#but i feel like i have developed so many weird coping mechanisms to deal with the Problems that if i ever have fewer problems | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

grovekeepers · 1 year ago

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robin <3 i'd love to hear about robins own, personal views on his sex and gender, please!

Thanks for the ask, Fray!! (answering it gives me something to do while i wait for the electricity to come back on!)

I'm putting this under a cut, because I've been typing for a while now and I feel like this'll be a long one. I will add that I'm briefly mentioning an eating disorder under the cut, in case you or anyone else wants to back out of reading that.

For the longest time Robin didn't really have any views on his sex or gender. He had a lot going on as a neurodivergent kid/teen due to poverty and, well, the repressed queerness; was just out there functioning/surviving somehow and was in general just pretty miserable all around, so any discomfort about his gender identity/expression was just part of a big heap of everyday sensory overload. There really wasn't time for him to focus on or take a closer look at himself much, and besides, he wouldn't have known the terms needed to put it into words.

He developed a bunch of unhealthy coping mechanisms about All Of That (drugs, sex, an eating disorder, ...) and really spiralled for a while until he met this man called Murdoc, who sort of became a mentor to him, and set him straight again.

And if Murdoc's one thing, it's perceptive.

So while Robin and him travelled together for a while, he provided him with the space he needed to just take a breather for once. Maybe express himself for once. And the option to talk about his feelings instead of having to bottle them up. And most importantly, since his wife Cynthia is a trans woman, he taught him the terms he needed to put all that dysphoria related turmoil he had going on into words.

So really, up until that point Robin hadn't thought about it much. Not thinking about it meant not having to deal with it, he was just hoping all those weird feelings, whatever they are, would go away one day. But of course they wouldn't have if he'd just continued to keep on going like that.

Now that he'd talked those feelings through with someone and then went on to change up his gender presentation, though, things got a hell of a lot easier. Murdoc used the right pronouns for him, called him by the name they'd chosen together (one of his favorite wildshapes to use to spy on people is an odd looking robin, and they both decided it's a nice fit), and after a while of that, Robin began to cook up medicine (cough, testosterone) that would change his body.

And all of a sudden he just felt GOOD about himself for once. His body wasn't just existing to carry him through the days anymore, instead he actively liked looking at it. His voice didn't hurt his ears anymore, it just sounded right. There was growth and hair in the right places and muscles where there used to be softness that he'd previously tried to get rid of by starving himself down to the bones.

See, and only then is when he started to really develop views on his gender and sex.

He is and always was, by all definitions of the word, a bisexual man, even when he was still blocking out the thought and just hoping for the dysphoria to go away on its own. Gender non-conforming (if he can wear them in a masculine way, he still wears many of his old clothes because he can't afford new ones for example, and he's insanely fond of jewelry, be that piercings, earrings, rings, bracelets, ankle bracelets, waist chains, etc) and somewhat gentler than other men he's gotten to know so far, sure, but really not all that different. Transitioning, to him, was like a lifeline he didn't know he needed extended to him, but now that he's gotten a hold of it, he wouldn't ever let it go.

Masculinity can be expressed in very many ways, and his way of expressing it is being forceful like rumbling thunder and strong like a centuries old oak that you can shelter underneath. He'll bear the brunt of the storm for you and keep you safe. And when it's over, and you open your eyes, rather than the lashing rain, you'll see the beauty of the sun's first rays shining through the greenest leaves you've ever seen, while their warmth caresses you.

(One thing I'll say (and it is really just more of a game-related issue) is that his in-game model looks pretty unchanged in terms of testosterone changes even after all the mods I installed to get him a little closer looking to himself. It does unfortunately have a lot of people jumping to the conclusion that he's some flavor of non-binary or futch/butch (and leaving comments that make ME dysphoric at the end of the day lmfao), when in reality, looking at him would not really differentiate him from a cis man and I'm simply limited by the game. There is no room to doubt his gender if going off "traditional" (binary) characteristics. He does bind his chest sometimes, and he usually wears his clothes in a way that covers/hides the shape of what's underneath. Funny enough, I am currently working on a painting of him and I'm kinda hyped about the absolute physical likeness I'm achieving with it, so I'm adding a little WIP!!)

#bg3 #ask #there is so much more that weighs into his gender expression #he's biracial and one way or another that does also influence it somewhat #growing up cut off from his infernal heritage and avoiding it because of it being the root cause of generational trauma #definitely also influences his understanding of masculinity #but all in all he wasn't really thinking about his gender and sex much until someone nudged him towards exploring it #after they caught on to him being uncomfortable with himself #and from then on he really fell in love with himself #is the tl;dr of it #without the an*rexia talk that's under the cut #i'm sorry if this is all disjointed i have been typing for like an hour lmfao #i'm also not sure if going into the horniness of it all is a wise move on a fandom blog so i'm keeping this as a footnote pretty much #but now that he's more comfortable in his body he's definitely enjoying that whole corner a lot more too and he's also very secure in that #department #and you can tell. like he has a certain devilish charm about him that was entirely repressed before he transitioned #big ole confident flirt

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thygoddessouijathicc · 2 years ago

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DSAF Headcanons

So these are some headcanons and theories that I have but don’t feel like are as concrete as my other theories and are mostly based on interpretation. However I am aware head canons are popular to have and share so I will share mine.

spoilers.

Dave used to be more inhuman looking, but either he removed his more inhuman features to fit in more, or Henry removed them as a sort of test. I think it’s possible he may have at one point had sharper claws, and fangs, and possibly a tail, but these were removed. The reason I think this is because he’s implied to have been treated far worse for his appearance when he was a child than in the present day. Sure this could be a time period thing, but that would take the public in general growing more accustomed to whatever he is, and I don’t think that’s likely given that it’s heavily implied that there’s not anything else around like him, at least not that anyone knows about. So I think that Dave started to cover up or remove any major inhuman traits he could. He of course couldn’t cover all of them, as some were traits that were so distinct that they couldn’t be disguised, such as his missing facial features, scales, and complete lack of any hair follicles anywhere in his body. However I think he cut off his tail, dulled his teeth and claws, and intentionally tends to keep his neck as short as he can keep it most of the time to deal with less persecution.

To get through the Dave theories, Dave has an attention seeking disorder that he developed to cope with his terrible childhood. It’s likely since he was so aware of how unwanted he was, and likely suffered intense abuse at the hands of Henry, and potentially strangers who thought he was some kind of monster because of how he looked, he developed attention seeking behaviours later in life. This makes a lot of sense with his actions in the game. Because he’s far from just sociopathic and a little weird, sure he is and that’s part of it, but Dave does some specifically weird things. For instance he occasionally stretches out his neck to incredible lengths seemingly to get attention. He does weird things like using a string of sausages for murders even though he’s been at this a long time and should know better than to joke around like that. He constantly flirts with Jack, and while that is clearly because of his crush, it’s kind of a weird thing in my opinion to do so blatantly and publicly with someone you hardly know. On top of that he does a lot of drugs and has sex with a lot of hookers, which seems like escapism to me, and perhaps the hookers might also be because he feels like he could never get attention from anyone who he doesn’t pay to do it, and he’s willing to take what he can get. It also explains why he still behaves obsessively and even slightly romantically when Jack DOESN’T take his side, because to Dave all attention is good attention. It’s a clear coping mechanism and a cry for help and it I think might be a severe mental issue he has never been treated for as no one has ever really cared about him enough to both notice and get him help. It also explains his codependency on Henry despite how Henry treats him, Henry doesn’t ignore him and that’s good enough for Dave.

Jack is only wearing makeup on his face, the rest of it is paint and jaundice. The reason I think this is because I don’t think there’s any way in hell that Jack could earn or steal enough money to buy enough orange makeup to cover his body every day, and I doubt he has the time or patience to do it every day. I think that Jack covers most of his body in orange paint, and his face, and other places that are seen a lot, in makeup, so that he’s still got his body coloured, but isn’t spending quite as much time, energy, or money on this. Also because Jack isn’t even getting paid. He only earns tokens and I don’t think very many stores accept those.

After regaining his memories, Peter got really into scrapbooking and journaling. Due to a fear of losing his identity again he decided to try to protect it via scrapbooking and journaling almost obsessively. This is self explanatory as to why it makes sense.

Henry was actually a surgeon before losing his medical license, not a doctor. The reason I think this makes sense is because Henry is oddly good at a lot of surgeries, Dave being evidence of this. Henry not only manages to “safely” remove many organs, but also remove only small portions of brain tissue at a time, indicating experience in surgery. On top of that certain mental conditions tend to help with certain career paths, for surgeons, being narcissistic is actually really helpful to the job because it makes the narcissist believe they are more capable than they are, and in a roundabout way becomes more capable due to a decrease in self doubt and stress during medical procedures. We know for a fact Henry is a narcissist based on lines of dialogue in which he claims to be the hero, or the protagonist. This is just speculation but it makes more sense that he’d be an actual surgeon than just a doctor to me given what he’s been shown to do and the fact that I think he’d be genuinely very good at it.

Blackjack cannot change forms. This sounds stupid because of course he can, he chose to be a dog, right? Yeah that’s kinda why I don’t think he can. He takes the form of his childhood dog and I don’t understand why he’d do that. What does that do for him? It makes him less recognizable. He thinks of himself as the true Jack, yet he takes the form of his own dog, not Jack. I can’t see him willingly doing this. I think it’s more likely he’s stuck in this form by accident as it may have been a form he accidentally took when he first died, and then couldn’t get out of and decided to work with.

All undead characters have not physically aged since their original deaths. The reason I think this could be possible is because in DSAF it’s made clear that the possessed bodies ARE animate corpses, and why would a corpse continue to age? This explains quite a bit, for instance why Steven and Peter look how they do, and why Jack isn’t ever mentioned in the third game for being as old as he is at that point. The only thing that doesn’t fit this is that Dave has wrinkles in the tapes, but I think this might just be a species thing as he is reptilian and they do tend to be slightly wrinkly at times.

Dave survived so well on the streets because of what he is. I believe he has a lot of reptile features, and those may have ironically saved his life. Namely I think his potentially being cold blooded, may have allowed him to hibernate when it got too cold to survive, and his scales may have stopped someone from killing him by making him more immune to being cut or bludgeoned. This is entirely theoretical, but if he is like a reptile to this degree his reptile features are as intense as I theorize they may be.

Henry is not alone in the void, but there was no voidsona thingy in there with him. The only mention of something like this is in a short story by Doggo, but it’s notable that this creature he meets is not in the void, rather in the death void he is sent to after the good ending of the third game. He also behaves like he’s never seen one before so no, myth busted, he was not in there with a void creature. So what do I mean that he wasn’t alone? So if the void is so accessible to black souls like Blackjack to drag people to, does it really make sense Henry is the only person to ever be sent there? My theory is that there are other people like Henry wandering around somewhere. While he technically wasn’t alone, he never met anyone else aside from Blackjack, meaning his mental health is probably nonexistent.

Steven regains his memories when he moves on to the afterlife. It doesn’t make sense to me that they’d still be gone, so he regains all his memory of his past life.

Dee was a black soul, not a clear one. It’s implied that Henry did something more than just kill her, and while children’s souls usually come out clear, whatever he did turned her into a black soul. I think this because unlike the other souls that until Dee’s presence were just confused and in pain, Dee actually acted on her anger. She made the other animatronics aggressive, she could apparently whisper to patrons, and if I recall, she broke things. Not really things the other child souls were said to have done. In fact, the only other soul in the series that isn’t a tulpa that has been shown to be able to interact with the real world like this is Blackjack, who is in fact, a black soul.

Blackjack was not only visible to Jack. The reason I think this is because of the shadow Doggo drawing. This drawing’s existence implies that the children can see him, and draw him.

Dave’s mechanical skills are purely physical and simply a talent, he does not actually have an education on the topic, he’s just good at it. Dave spent literally all of his saved up money on the diner, meaning he probably never went to college, and I’d be shocked if he even went to elementary school. We do know he can read, but I think he learned in the orphanage or from Henry being frustrated he couldn’t, we know he can because he texts Jack. Although I don’t think he understands math. He’s just good at robots, it doesn’t mean he’s smart, he’s just good at it. We know Dave is an idiot so to be as good at blueprints as he is with absolutely no way he has a formal education on the matter, Dave is just really really good at robotics.

Fredbear isn’t dead, just recovering. I find it highly unlikely Legacy would be able to kill a tulpa so easily. I think he’s just very damaged and slowly recovering.

Legacy’s face is torn. Legacy opens his mouth entirely differently from every other character, more wide than open, which looks to me like he probably tore the skin of his face to be able to form this smile.

#dsaf #dayshift at freddy's #headcanon #dsaf dave #dsaf henry #dsaf old sport #dsaf jack #dsaf blackjack #dsaf dee #dsaf steven #dsaf phone guy #dsaf peter

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dastardlydandelion · 2 years ago

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SPOILER! SCREAM 6 REVIEW WITH SPOILERS! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON’T WANT SPOILERS ALSO I AM HIGH.

my thoughts and feelings on scream vi. i have a lot of them!

boy howdy, that was a ride! so overall I enjoyed it a lot! gonna start out with the positives before i leap into the negatives.

spoilers under the cut!!!

my favorite part was the carpenter sisters, by far. i am aware that there are plenty of people who dislike sam. that’s valid, obvi, people are entitled to their opinions. nevertheless, i do feel like a lot of the hate directed toward her is honestly unfair. hate from billy/sydney shippers who cannot conceive billy having cheated on her even tho he was like, a literal murderer. said shippers angry that their conspiracy theories about sam being sydney’s daughter are just blatantly untrue bc sam is latina, the stu/billy shippers angry that billy evidently enjoyed sex with women outside of using sex to manipulate syd, etc. these are kinda stupid reasons to hate sam, u guys.

now, others were not a fan of sam bc they didn’t care for melissa barrera’s performance in scream 5 and ykw, fair enough. HOWEVER, i would like to interject here that i am personally more forgiving toward some of her wonkier scenes bc i understand what the directors were going for. scream 2022 is a fan movie and sam is a fanfic character brought to screen. her dialogue is what u would read in a middle schooler’s fanfic and that’s…weird but nostalgic, so i get it. this movie was swaddled in nostalgia. also we have to understand sam as a character who intentionally represses her emotions bc of her internal proclivity for violence. much of her performance is restrained until act 3 and while i 100% understand why this didn’t work for some people, it didn’t bother me personally bc i’m sympathetic to the intent behind it.

i was supposed to be spilling my thoughts about scream vi and instead just went off on a tangent about 5. bc context needs context and i can never get to the point without detours and most of my detours involve giving context to the context or covering my bases, for those who potentially wish to poke holes…

ANYWAY. i genuinely enjoyed sam and tara in scream 5. some of my biggest beefs with 5 were the changes to the initial script that decreased the tension between the sisters and robbed us of their familial context. ykw, like amber and tara being romantically involved + amber and sam’s mutual dislike of each other, which would’ve layered amber’s motivations as well as added to the conflict between the sisters. the originally scripted scenes with their mother drunkenly displaying her fear of sam, particularly her fear of sam harming tara, which would’ve helped the audience understand why sam was desperate to leave woodsboro and why sam represses herself so heavily…and here i am still talking about scream 5. but my point is i already loved the sisters and i was very much looking forward to them and seeing how their relationship developed in 6.

and it did not disappoint!! oh my lordy. i love how sam just goes completely into mama bear mode over tara!!! it works so well on so many levels. she wants to protect her because for five years she wasn’t even there, because she spent the most horrible three days of her life nearly losing tara, because their mother and tara are now estranged specifically bc tara chose to allow sam back into her life, and bc she feels like she has to be hyper-vigilant bc tara coped in the opposite direction and chose not to deal with what happened at all.

i loved the push and pull between them, how tara clearly loves sam very much but is straining under her smothering and frustrated bc their coping mechanisms clash with the calamity of a car crash. adore how tara defends sam even when she’s upset with her but i think my very favorite thing was at the end when sam HAS PUT ON HER FATHER’S COSTUME LIKE I HAVE WANTED HER TO FOR FUCKING MONTHS AND STABS BAILEY TWENTY TIMES AND ONLY STOPS HERSELF FROM DELIVERING THE FATAL BLOW WHEN SHE HEARS TARA!!!! AND THEN TARA VISIBLY GIVES HER PERMISSION TO KILL HIM SO SHE UNLEASHES IT AND STABS HIM IN THE FUCKING EYEBALL OH MY GOD.

whew, lotta caps lock, but yeah. yeah, no, i was just that excited. tara didn’t even have to say the words, it was the look in her eyes and the soft tilt of the head and sam knew it would be okay. that was so touching. hands down, my favorite scene. <3 <3 <3

also the storyline surrounding sam? perhaps a tad exaggerated in this horror movie context but not at all unlikely or untrue to life.

a woman who only resorted to violence in retaliation to her more dangerous boyfriend’s violence being DARVO-ed by social media? a woman being turned into the monster of the story while internet fans fawn over and infantilize the man who victimized her? a woman who chose violence only to survive vilified while terminally online fans edit flower crowns onto her actually evil boyfriend’s pics and proclaim his innocence in cutesy fonts??

yeah, that’s pretty fucking familiar. this probably would’ve happened to sam even if billy loomis wasn’t her father, her heritage just makes it 10x easier for people to manipulate the story against her.

this is where the social commentary of the movie is a little ambiguous and i actually prefer it that way. are they calling out scream fans? true crime fans? media misogyny? could be any of the above, take ur pick. i personality interpreted it as a combination of all three.

the subtlety on that front was a breath of fresh air considering so much was…not subtle at all. i greatly enjoyed this film and i adore mindy BUT her explaining the new rules of a “franchise,” was a little bit too much. it’s a scream film so there has to be a scene like that, ofc, but it could’ve been shorter and it didn’t have to spoon-feed us that hard.

speaking of subtly? uh, yeah. i mean, unfortunately bc of unmarked spoilers i knew detective bailey and ethan were ghostfaces. i did not, however, know any of the ghostfaces other than these two, nor did I have any idea what their motive was. but between quinn mentioning the death of a brother and sam getting called from richie’s phone? yeaaaaah, that clicked into place pretty damn fast. soo not subtle, but amusing. amusing so i’m not complaining yet, i actually had a laugh.

now i feel like i’m rambling without direction but my goal was to tackle positives first, so more positives?

the core four. love them. the way their relationship developed in this film was warming and believable to me, even if the character interactions were perhaps more abridged than they should’ve been give the rapid-fire pace of the film. mindy and chad are great, easy to love, and mindy especially is so relatable to me. kirby is back and she got screen time!!!

the minor characters? not too many, but the ones that were here somewhat fleshed out the setting. i would love a fanfic where sam kills date rape frankie. also the owner of the bodega, shoutout to that guy. a kind stranger in a city famous for rudeness, he dead ass lost his life trying to help our leading ladies. he looked away from ghostface to get his keys so they could unlock the door. r.i.p bodega owner.

the kills! everyone is raving about the kills and i am also a fan. not without my nitpicks, i wish maybe a couple would’ve been more creative BUT mostly i am pleased. i love gore and there was more gore. the ladder scene delivered on the suspense that was promised to us, oh my. my heart was pounding the entire time and altho were barely got to know anika, i truly felt for her. bleeding, scared, doing her best to hold on, gazing at mindy through a blur of tears and panic as she moans, “I don’t want to die, i don’t want to die.” 😢

that said i was hoping the kills might be a tad more creative? it was mostly just a lot of stabbing. which. yes, ghostface stabs. the franchise is famous for the buck 120, which i can attest is a very sharp knife— i have used it to stab through frozen meat and not only did it go right through the package, the tip of the knife got embedded in the table. which is okay bc it’s an old table with a ton of stains and it’s already beat to hell, but that’s not the point. THE POINT, lmao. unintentional pun, I swear! but idk, i was hoping for some variety especially bc the trailers kept emphasizing that this ghostface was “different.”

many of my predictions were correct but where they did manage to surprise me, they really surprised me! like the first killer unmasking himself right after her killed laura?? i gasped! the choreography of the fights in the shrine, dude! i loved the carpenter sisters + chad taking on the ghostface how they did it as a pack. that was awesome! and then chad is gonna finish ‘I’m off and BOOM, the second one pops out! the way the ghostfaces take chad down was brutal but also, like they’re twinning?? the dual knife swipe was spooky and this is genius when we find out that these two are actually twins. or…I think they are? they’re siblings at least, i wanna think twins bc I’m pretty sure the characters are supposed to be the same age even tho the actress who plays quinn is a few years older irl.

misc fun things: jason watching jason takes manhattan in his apartment. mindy’s fashion sense. kirby eating. ethan is not dressed in blue plaid like the ghostfaces before him, but he is wearing red plaid over a blue shirt, so close enough. nancy loomis finally being acknowledged as sam’s murderous grandma. gale dodging sam’s punch just to get hit by tara, pffft. last but not least, ALL THE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES. 😍

those were all the positives. but balance is balance so as much as i loved this film, i still have to touch on the negatives.

the killers? i was right about the anti-dewey angle, but i’d pegged the wrong pig. kirby reed, i formally apologize for ever suspecting u. i appreciate the anti-dewey angle with detective bailey and that being a cop gives him power and authority that ghostfaces before him did not have. but the motive reveal complicates things and it’s pretty convoluted and too convenient the way these ghostfaces were able to worm into our cautious protagonists’ lives. i know let some things slide because of bailey’s aforementioned social power by virtue of being a cop, but this is over the top. i have so many questions. did the siblings go to college just to follow the survivors? they all have fake names?? how did they find out about jason and greg? how is the *whole* family like this?

ur telling me richie’s entire fam indulged his stab obsession to the point of them not only accepting his being a serial killer, but becoming ghostfaces to honor him in their vengeance driven kill spree??

umm…yeah, this is all a little too kookaburra for me. but i will say i liked their style. i like that they actually seemed to be bringing the costume to life. the ghostface costume was originally packaged in-universe as the “father death” costume, it’s the grim reaper by another name. and these ghost faces were actually kind of swooping around like a reaper, an angel of death. cannot emphasize enough how much i loved the twinning with the knife wipe and just like, having multiple ghostfaces onscreen in general. i am too high right now to look up the actress’s name who played quinn but kudos to her for chewing the scenery once she unmasked. but some of their choices didn’t make sense to me. why did ethan help mindy after quinn wounded her? why was a target put on anika’s back at all??

so…more negatives?

um…let’s talk about suspension of disbelief for a moment. we all have to have some of that when watching slasher films and movies wouldn’t be movies if we expected them to be exactly like real life. i like to think that as long as a movie follows its own logic, i have a pretty healthy suspension of disbelief. i can accept the improbable in the scream ‘verse…but not the impossible.

u know what’s impossible?? chad surviving that. fml. yeah, no, that guy’s internal organs are soup. it’s even a stretch that he survived scream 5 since amber clearly slashed open his femoral artery even before she stabbed his guts, but this???? chad was being carved up by two ghostfaces and blood was dead ass gushing from his mouth like a waterfall. i love chad, truly, i do, but his survival was insane, i can’t accept that.

on that note, i found it frustrating that the injuries in this movie were seemingly only as severe as the storyline wanted them to be. again, it’s a movie so we have to have a level of suspension of disbelief and that’s fair! i can accept people being more durable on the screen than in real life but where they lose me is when they’re keeping semi close to reality in one scene and totally ignoring it in the next. anika loses a lot of blood and is in great pain, which hinders her ability to escape (so she doesn’t). i buy it. gale is stabbed in the abdomen twice, deeply, and loses so much blood she entrusts the carpenter sisters’ with last words, passes out from blood loss, and is in bad shape when paramedics arrive. i buy that. mindy is similarly stabbed in the abdomen multiple times, survives because ethan helps her for some mysterious reason, which I buy…I don’t buy her RUNNING TO THE SHRINE MERE HOURS AFTER.

we have a throwaway line about her being on drugs, but no, i still don’t buy it. story time. my work mom, okay, so she was in a really bad car accident once. running on pure adrenaline, she raced out of the car with broken bones and punched the driver of the other car that hit her. immediately after, she collapsed and guess what? she’d injured herself further by punching this lady. so even if mindy wasn’t feeling her wounds because of the drugs (which i could buy easily enough), no responsible hospital would allow her to run wild like that.

at the shrine tara is stabbed UP TO THE HANDLE IN THE BACK and it doesn’t?? effect her like at all? okay, okay, i could possibly buy this with the adrenaline excuse, cause I mean, again, that is a thing. my work mom paid the price for it. but after being stabbed in the back, tara is also stabbed in the torso after being dropped from quite the height and that wound similarly has no tangible impact beyond a few pained pants while she was struggling against a larger, more physically powerful ghostface…and adrenaline wears off? at the very least, after they’re finished off the ghostfaces, tara should’ve been shock-y and sam should’ve been trying to get her medical attention ASAP. at this point the movie wasn’t following its own logic in regards to injuries that’d previously occurred in the movie.

i find it so hard to believe laura’s character at all, that she would go into a dark alley searching for a strange male she had never, ever met in person before dead ass a blind internet date. no girl or woman would ever do that, let alone a supposedly a highly educated New York newcomer.

the pacing in this movie was almost a little too fast. i feel like there wasn’t much room to breathe? i didn’t want it to be slow or anything, but it was almost dizzyingly speedy. i LOVE the chase scene with gale but what the fuck. they made a point to talk about how they weren’t safe in broad daylight, then they cut to gale’s apartment and it’s like nighttime? huh?? how many days did i just watch???

the secret celebrity cameo was jack quaid? boo, letdown, boooooo.

neutral stuff: i feel like sam’s bf only existed in this movie so they could do ladder scene LMFAO. but i didn’t want to see romance so that’s perfectly fine with me.

…possibly have more to add, but idk? i’m high af. overall i really enjoyed this film though. especially the carpenter sisters. sam put billy’s costume on in the best way. it was a monkey paw wish for detective bailey that backfired on him majorly, she looked fucking great in it, she literally stayed in it and then at the end, she let go of the mask. because sam isn’t a murderer. she may have internal violent desires but she keeps that part of her in check cause she’s a good person and only acts on those impulses when real danger is afoot. she isn’t her father and the wants to leave that mask behind its past behind, and follow her sister into the future.

#scream 6 #scream 6 spoilers #scream vi spoilers #scream #sam carpenter #tara carpenter #apologies for typos i am stoned

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dykeyote · 2 years ago

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can i hear more abt jeddie and yvonne. i want to see your vision

GRABS YOU BY THE SHOULDERS these ade words i dream of hearing constantly . anyway um i find it fascinating that despite how Different they are in so many ways, especially in college - like yvonne puts it, he was a good christian and she was a party goth - but the main cohesive similarity they seem to have is smt of a shared difficulty with Difficult conversations . not necessarily conflict, but sad and vulnerable sorts of emotional convos - yvonne can confidently argue w joshua in friendship of enemies, but fumbles when it comes to doing so in order to make jedidiah stay, which makes me feel like the thought of it makes her partic nervous? (literally yes i know im interpreting so muxh onto yvonne its HAAAARD when the chnt women have such little development) as well as how she gets particularly frustrated w joshua in friendship of enemies any time he brings up smt that makes her Sad (the destruction of rowan's co-counswlor and jedidiah avoiding them, namely) . which reminds me a lot of Jedidiahs method of choice of dealing w vulnerable sad emotions, i.e completely avoiding the source of rhem. which makes me feel like thats a large part of why they grew to be so close? because yvonne is like ..... the closest thing to a healthy relationship jedidiah has - theres issues there but absolutely nowhere near the degree of his catastrophically fucked up relationships to the two Other close people in his life, sydney and lucille. yvonne apparently feels so strongly abt jedidiah being weird and avoidant that that theyve been talking to joshua about it all summer . they were clearly CLOSE despite jedidiah hating his college years and i think that ties into their respective dodginess around emotional vulnerabilitty - ALTHOUGH its worth noticing that yvonne is Not as bad as jedidiah in this regard, and seems to have a healthy coping mechanism for this feeling (being able to confide in joshua and get joshuas help with dealing w their emotions) as well as being able to reach out to jedidiah even if it takes the whole summer and being able to recognize that u shouldnt avoid issues until they blow up in ur face even tho to a degree they sorta do that w jedidiah w how long rhey took to ever really bring it up or properly reach out to jedidiah with their concerns in college before it got awful . i in some ways view yvonne as a somewhat healthier version of jedidiah in that sense? (i could get into closeted analysis of the fact that jedidiahs healthier and somewhat more emotionally intelligent counterpart is nonbinary but we're already getting into so much stretching as it is that i dont think i can stretch it even further without it verging on the delirious ramblings of a madman) and i just find that dynamic interesting . yvonne i think is a lot braver than jedidiah is but iv always seen her as struggling w a certain kind of vulnerability rhat jedidiah has also always struggled w . but this is a lor of me hcing lol . also i think they have fun 2getha and yvonne goths him up for fun sometimes and they play video games together and go on rambles abt them to each othef

#not tagging this bc its a lot of me ..... interpreting and hcing and thinking thoughts #but this is my vision lol

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shayberri789 · 2 years ago

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In honour of Ace Week, I'd like to talk about my experience with growing up ace.

Many, many of my fellow aspecs talk about growing up feeling broken, to the point where I almost felt "fake" because I didn't share this apparently universal experience. (No slander to them by the way, I can recognise myself for being the oddball that I am, and the reason I escaped the self-hatred and broken feeling is. Actually kind of funny)

(Also sorry this is very long and rambly, editing is a bitch on mobile.)

I've always known I was aromantic and asexual. Not the terms, but I know I have been like this since before I can remember. The most important aroace memory I have is the one that saved me over a decade of grief, one I made when I was seven.

I was in grade one, and in a tiny, tiny school with literally only 4 people in my grade. My best friend, Jess, had just broken up with our classmates Thomas (they had been dating the way all 7yos do, and Jess has always been boy crazy). She was ranting to me about him, and I was a bit bored with it, playing about on the patio wall. I distinctly remember saying to her: "I'm never gonna get a crush! Dating is too much drama." And that was that. I promised myself never to get a crush.

And for years, I thought I was fantastic at keeping promises to myself. I was a pretty child, and I've always been kind, and many of my guy friends developed crushes on me, or felt pressured to have a crush and decided I was the best option. I don't know. I turned every one of them down, and said I wasn't going to date because I'd made myself a promise not to. I never developed a crush on anyone myself, and I thought it was because of a promise I made when I was seven. I never felt pressured to have a crush because of that promise, and all my girl friends accepted it too as an answer when they asked if I had a crush. We were like, ten, we didn't know better. None of us even knew what the lgbtqa+ was. Same-sex marriage was only legalised in 2006 in South Africa, and I didn't have a phone or access to the internet until I was 13. We also weren't as steeped in the amatonormative bullshit that comes with growing up, or fandom, or the internet.

When I was around 11-12 years old, we went to the coast to celebrate one of my childhood friend's mom getting married. Both his parents (his mom and later adoptive father) were close family friends, and while we were there I met up with an old friend I'd lost contact with.

I found out Dune, the lost friend, had had a crush on me since pre-primary school. He'd put a ring on his finger and declared that he was going to marry me when we grew up. I think He'd given up the notion by the time we reunited, but it made me feel weird. I started actually thinking about crushes, and my promise, and I worried that maybe I'd been repressing feelings. Did I accidentally close my heart to love because of my promise? But... not having to deal with crushes made my life so much easier, I wasn't sure if I wanted a crush. But I was worried I'd broken myself. It didn't help that when I brought this up to my mom (who is, by the way, an amazing woman and completely supportive of me now and my very queer brother and is bi herself) she said that closing your heart to love was unhealthy, and I should let myself feel things.

In retrospect, that's solid advice. I wish I'd listened to it more before I developed repression of emotions and memories as a coping mechanism to deal with immigration and a new country. But at the time I took it as confirmation I'd broken myself because again, I was eleven, and while I've always been mature for my age I still was lacking a lot of knowledge and growth.

Fortunately, I've always been a stubborn, genuine thing. I only changed parts of myself I didn't like, or thought hurt others, and no one else was allowed to decide that for Me. And I liked the peace not having crushes gave me, and I saved myself many years of grief and worry with that decision. It was three days of worrying about having broken myself, compared to an almost lifetime of many other aspecs.

That conviction was admittedly hard to hold onto though. I had several squishes in my childhood and the following yesrs, or maybe they were actual crushes but I doubt it; and I started becoming vaguely aware that saying I'd made a promise to stay single and unattracted to anyone was a weird reason for turning someone down when you're like 13/14yo. I stopped talking about my promise, but I never got a crush, never wanted one, and never wanted to date. I just kept living my life, even when I immigrated and said family friend's child from earlier, a boy I had been friends with since I was literally three years old, told me he'd been in love with me for five years the day I landed in my nee country. Thanks Vin, that's totally something to drop on your childhood friend when she is busy feeling like she'd lost everything. I spent a week analysing the last couple years of our friendship to figure out if he even cared about me the way I did about him. We're not very close anymore.

A year later, in Year 10/Grade 9, my new best friend invited me around to her house to tell me "something important". When I got there, I found our other friend we'd been growing closer too over the last couple months there already, and they were holding hands. Tess said to me, very gingerly, "Shay, I just wanted to let you know that I'm pan, and Saph and I are dating."

Three things you should know: I was barely aware that "gay" and "lesbian" was a thing at this point, I had no gaydar or ability to predict romance, and had quite frankly forgotten that crushes were a thing. I wasn't even looking for chemistry in my friends. I was caught completely off guard. I had no fucking clue was pansexual was. I'd only just started learning about the queer community and did not know how to react to this, and was suddenly, horribly reminded that my friends were at the stage where they cared more about finding someone to date than plodding on happily with the friendships we had. Tess later told me I "was a bit homophobic because of the way I recoiled with a slightly disguisted look on my face."

Honestly, I think it's because I was disgusted by romance in general and was unprepared for the confession, and was suddenly re-evaluating the entire friend group dynamics. I'm gonna forgive myself if I reacted badly, but I honestly wasn't aware enough of heteronormative culture, had forgotten amatonormativity existed, and didn't know enough about gay people to even be homophobic.

That night, I spent four hours researching the lgbt community to understand as much as I could, to find out how to support my friends and be a good ally. I still thought I was straight, back then. It got to the point where I knew a good deal about the queer community and experiences, enough to help my brother figure out he was pan and trans, and yet I still did not come across any aspec identity. Not in Tumblr screenshots, not on the wiki pages I read, not from word of mouth from the queer people I met irl.

I even went through about a month or so where I thought I was bi. I had enough common sense long before then to realize that a promise made when you're seven should not affect who you crush on, just what you do with those feelings, but it was the only explanation I had, so I quietly stuck with it. When I found out more about the queer community I thought to myself "... am I gay?" And critically evaluated myself, and came to the conclusion I felt the same about guys as I did about girls, and I must be bi, surely? But that didn't feel right, and It honestly made me feel uncomfortable to label myself as that, so I never mentioned it.

Fortunately soon after that, I was talking to one of Tess's old South African friends, who told me he was "asexual" (in hindsight, and seeing how he grew, I think he was actually aromantic. But, it's not my place to tell people how to identify). I didn't know what that meant so googled it, and realized... hey, this covers a lot of how I feel (or rather, what I don't feel). It wasn't quite right, I didn't really understand sexual attraction either (I still don't, really, but I do on a rational level), but it fit me better and explained a hell of a lot more than bisexual did, so I claimed it. Plus, pretty flag.

I tried to come out that pride month. I made an ace flag-coloured version of my profile picture, looked up the pride days for June, and decided I would change my pfp and bio on ace day to come out. Which I did! And many people congratulated me on figuring myself out, even more were confused as to what it was, and the rest didn't notice. But before all that, I'd accidentally come out on aromantic's day, first, much to my fear and embarrassment. I didn't realise I could be both aromantic and asexual. I didn't want it to seem like I was trying to be 'special' to fit in with my friends (I value genuineness greatly, and never wanted to appear like I was presenting myself falsely, especially for something like a trend or peer pressure). I quickly changed my pfp and bio before anyone noticed, and did it on the correct day at the end of the month.

Fortunately, it did make me look up aromanticism, and realize this identity fitted the rest of my experiences. But, I still didn't know I could have two identities, because I didn't know about the SAM model. I decided to stick with asexual, because I liked the flag more.

I still felt a bit like an imposter, though, like I wasn't really welcome in the queer community, and I always knew I didn't fit in the cishetallo one. I didn't know any other ace people except for the guy who told me about the term, and he was far too interested in sex and hot people for my comfort. I dedicated myself to learning more about the queer community as a whole, the lived experiences and politics, so that I could continue to support and be with my friends (who had, one by one over the year or so, come out as queer in some way, as one friend group does after the first one bites the bullet) even if I "didn't really belong".

It took me a while to feel fully comfortable as asexual, and to internalise I could be aromantic too and accept that (I called myself Grayromantic for a time because I thought the squishes had been crushes, and I almost wanted to hope I wasn't completely locked from love. I've since learned better and honestly, I'm really happy as plain aroace). I went through a period of trying on all kinds of micro labels to explain my experiences, but I've come to settle on the plain old aroace label. I'm happy, and I'm happy with myself. I also found the sunset aroace flag last year and fell in love with that, too 😂

I'd like to give a huge thank you to @fuckyeahasexual for all the information and support their blog gives, and the experiences and constant acceptance and reassurance that we are all ace, and for the info they give on aromanticism too. It played a huge role in my coming out and being proud, and then being loud and proud for the remaining years of high school. It's allowed me to meet so many more aspec people, and help people figure out their own aspec identities in my real-life community.

So yeah, I am, very extremely aroace. I swing wildly between sex and romance neutral to outright repulsed, and I have no interest in a qpr or any other relationship beyond family and friendship. (Shout out to my brother for getting into a qpr and then telling his actually aroace sister about it last out of everyone!).

I've been aroace my entire life, and I've never wanted to be anything different. I've dealt with my fair share of both microaggressive and straight-up aphobia from strangers, loved ones, fandom and society in general.

And I've never related to those posts about people growing up feeling broken, and for every single aspec out there like me who skated on through life and to their identities without that trauma as well, I tip my hat to you. We are valid, we are no less aspec than those with different traumas to us, and we are no less important or alone or isolated than they are. We're all in this together, and we should all take pride and care in one another. For our similarities and shared experiences, and for our differences. Happy ace week.

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littlesmartart · 2 years ago

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I am currently doing a Leverage rewatch which naturally reminded me of your fabulous Leverage AU. So now I have to know: How did JC learn how to steal in that AU?

so it comes from a weird combination of things. unlike Parker, JC does not naturally fall into thieving; his parents have impressed into him from a young age the importance of rules and family pride and keeping face in the community. he picks up some basic stuff from WWX - who had to develop many skills to survive on the streets and in foster care and, like many people with trauma, was not able to just immediately drop his coping mechanisms the second he was told he was apparently safe - but as WWX adjusts to life with the Jiangs, the two boys wind up using their skills with sleight of hand and distraction and acrobatics more for pranks and dares, and it becomes a sort of running challenge between them to try and steal things (though JC insists that they put them back afterwards). as always JC works twice as hard to try and keep up with WWX, so ends up with a combination of skills that he feels aren't good enough, but are actually way more advanced than the average person. and way more advanced than anyone would expect of a guy of his personality and build.

nothing really happens with these until the Jiang parents die, and the kids inherit the family business. in the couple years following, Yanli marries Zixuan and WWX gets together with Wangji, and JC is left to run the business by himself. he's miserable and lonely and full to bursting with abandonment issues but would NEVER communicate that to his siblings, NEVER, so rather than admitting that the business is going under, he picks up a night job as a security guard.

beggars can't be choosers, and unfortunately the company he works for is shitty and exploitative. JC doesn't care much that he's getting a crap deal, but as he watches employees and customers getting abused and cheated, the righteous anger starts to build. every day as he patrols he fumes and tries to figure out SOMETHING he could do that won't rock the boat in the community or get him fired, until one day it hits him: he has a very particular skillset. if he's smart and quick, if he does his research and bides his time for the perfect moment, he can steal what these people deserve...

he's just a cranky security guard. no one would believe that he could crack a safe, or pick a lock, or flip down from air vents, especially not in the five minutes that he disappears from the cameras on his rounds. he pulls it off perfectly, and it feels incredible, and he wants to throw up and he promises himself never again. it was a one-off, and he may have done it for a good reason but he is never taking a risk like that again.

aaaaaand then his old college buddy Nie Huaisang shows up, offering him a job, and all of the blind terror at the fact that someone figured out he's a thief vanishes when Meng Yao explains this the payoff from this job will keep the Jiang business in the black for years, and it comes with free revenge on the Jiangs' biggest competitor: Jin Guangshan.

so JC agrees to one more job. just... one last job.

(more leverage AU)

#leverage AU #jiang cheng #ask #anonymous #the untamed

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jupitermelichios · 3 years ago

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so someone on the buffy wiki asked a question that i have basically been thinking about non-stop since i saw it

how would btvs be different if spike had died when he was originally planned to, during the church collapse in season 2

and there's a lot of interesting logistical questions (honestly the answer is not much, he very rarely actually contributes to the main plot, probably because most of the writers room hated using him) like how would s7 end (you just create a different arbitrary mcguffin), would the buffybot still exist (probably yes, you just make her a warren or a jonathan thing and remove spike from the equation), what would buffy's s6 unhealthy coping mechanism be (my instinct is to say a buffy/xander subplot, which would be objectively worse but would hit basically all the same narrative beats, and would also make the xander/anya breakup feel a bit less weird)

but that isn't the reason i've been obsessing over this

the reason i've been obsessing over this is that if spike dies in that church, drusilla should logically become a recurring villain, probably hitting a lot of the same broad plot beats as spike did

and now i can't stop thinking about a version of buffy where dru gets actual character developement, where they have to think of cool shit to do with her future-seeing powers (being completely incidental to the plot is a very weird quality for clairvoyent powers to have tbh but they never once make effective use of them in the show)

and i also realised that in a version of season 6 where dru is a main cast member, or at least a recurring guest star, the obvious choice would be for her to mentor willow

willow never gets any kind of magic teacher in any way that matters, and she never gets to talk to another canon-queer person apart from tara, and giving willow a mentor figure who is magic and queer and probably pretty supportive, but also is absolutely 100% trying to make willow worse would be so interesting! and maybe it would force the writers to remember that giles knows magic, and you could have a 'which will willow choose' dynamic going on between this proudly bi proudly magic vampire and the closetted deeply afraid of his own magic human and it could be so interesting! like i fucking love spike and giles's canon relationship, but it never goes anywhere and this would absolutely have to go somewhere

also there would obviously be a subplot, probably in season 4, about dru manipulating events to bring spike back from the dead, but he'd come back as human, and the scoobies would want to protect him from her both because he's human and because spike died before they realised he's not actually a threat so they think vampire spike is a big deal, so he'd be a main cast member and build relationships with them all, and you've got human spike and vampire dru kind of circling one another and flirting but also being freaked out by one another, and however you chose to end the subplot it would be the kind of compelling tragedy that all the best spike stories are. if he choses to become a vampire then you're functionally killing the relationships he would have built with the scoobies by that point, and if he chooses to stay human, you're breaking dru's heart, and basically every other variation i can think of is also tragic, and i love basically all of them

and dru would fucking hate glory, even if you never did the chip subplot in s4 and didn't use human spike to bring her into the group, you could absolutely fold her into the gang in s5 using 'the enemy of my enemy' as the justification

there are so many little problems with buffy that you could fix using dru as a recurring character - the watcher's council functionally only exist when needed, they have no real presence, but they're canonically fascinated with dru and want to experiment on her so they'd have a reason to have a recurring presence in the show that isn't directly related to buffy. vampires have no culture and the one time they were given a religion the writers were too scared to explore it in any depth, but dru is possitioned to interact with the cult of aurelius in a way spike never was, so they might be forced to actually think about the fact that vampires ought to have a unique culture and religious perspective and general outlook on the world. the concept of bisexuality might have to exist. everything with how angel interacts with the gang post s2 would be so much more interesting, and there'd be a reason to bring darla back and give her some character developement. mental health! they'd have to talk about mental health prior to season 6!

i'm not going to write this fic, because it would be so fucking long, but please join me in imagining the au that could have been if buffy comics weren't all terrible, or i had infinite time for writing fic

#buffy #btvs #drusilla #sprusilla #spike #spike btvs #drusilla btvs #willow rosenberg #giles #ruper giles #buffy the vampire slayer

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thekisforkeats · 4 years ago

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Love Languages

Info: The Magnus Archives, JonMartin, rated T probably for swears. Canon-Compliant. Set post-MAG 22, with a coda post-MAG 159. Everyone is ND and everyone is trans because that’s just how my personal S1 Archives gang rolls.

CWs: Mentions of ableism and Martin’s mother. I’d say canon-typical worms but the worms don’t really come up except in passing.

I do not know anything about BSL, so I did not try to describe the signs.

Summary: A love language is not just about how you best show love and affection; it is also about the ways you best receive love and affection. And so, for someone like Martin, who shows love by going out of his way to help others, someone going out of their way to help him, well. What better way for him to realize just how loved he is?

--------------------------------------------

The first time Martin went completely non-verbal after starting work in the Archives, it was the morning after giving Jon the statement about Jane Prentiss.

It wasn’t a surprising development, really. Martin didn’t go fully non-verbal that often, but when he did it was almost always a thing that started in the morning and lasted most of the day. Sometimes it wore off by the time he went to bed, sometimes it lasted until the next morning.

After his mother’s diagnosis, he’d been unable to speak for an entire week. That hadn’t gone over well--as much as his mother wanted him to be quiet, she didn’t like the “silent treatment,” as she called it.

Martin hated that she’d called it that, as though his non-verbal episodes were anything he did on purpose. Some days talking just felt like a chore; those days he could get by only forcing words out when he had to. But some days, the worst days, he just couldn’t talk. He could understand other people just fine, he could make noises, sometimes he could even hum. And he could definitely read and write. But speaking words, aloud? No. He could not speak, on these days, however much he may have wanted to.

As Martin grew older and learned more about himself, he learned words and reasons and coping mechanisms. He realized that some of the problem came from dysphoria and the longer he was on hormones the less often it happened. He realized that he was autistic (even if he never got diagnosed), and learned how to handle the episodes that still occurred. He took sign languages classes because it was a good and useful thing to know regardless, to be able to communicate with more people.

As many Deaf people had learned before Martin, he’d found himself in plenty of situations when nobody around him knew BSL, so he’d found a phone app that let him type out things he wanted to say and repeated them in a tinny, mechanical voice. Feminine, but he found it didn’t cause dysphoria; it wasn’t his voice. It was the app speaking for him, a robot lady translating his words.

Martin was fairly certain he was going to need the robot lady to speak for him today, and he was dreading the whole idea. The app got him a range of reactions from scorn to derision to faux sympathy. The last time he’d done so at work, the Institute library staff had regarded him with such pity that he’d called in sick the two other times it had happened since.

He’d woken early, because he was always awake fairly early, to ensure he looked presentable and got to work on time. He did not want Jonathan “Crisply Professional At All Times” Sims giving him that look again. The particular look that was “I highly disapprove of your sartorial choices but I’m not going to get into it right now because I have so very much else to do. Nonetheless, if I could fire you for what you’re wearing I would.”

Jon had a lot of looks. Martin fervently wished he could stop categorizing them; he very much disliked his boss, and very much wanted to stop thinking about Jon quite as much as he did.

Jon was attractive, that much Martin had noticed the first day he’d come in, with a jawline Martin would’ve loved to trace with his fingers, eyes sharp and deep and intelligent, salt-and-pepper hair that Martin would have tangled his fingers in gladly.

Except, of course, that Jon was also a prick who didn’t like Martin one bit and made that very clear. He’d put down on record that he thought Martin would “contribute nothing but delays.” Martin was not such a sucker for punishment that he would put up with someone who hated him just for a pretty face. The tiny potential blossom of a crush had been, well, crushed five seconds after it had poked its head above ground, by Jon’s declaration that he could dismiss Martin if he didn’t resolve the “dog situation” immediately.

Martin counted his lucky stars every day that Jon had not, in fact, dismissed him, despite having had to deal with a doggy mess. The luck was really in having Tim around, Martin figured; Jon actually seemed fond of Tim, and the other man had managed to smooth the entire situation over.

Martin had fallen asleep last night thinking about the new look Jon had given him yesterday: concerned. Truly, genuinely concerned, which had rather taken Martin aback. He’d been certain Jon wouldn’t believe him, would scoff and roll his eyes at the entire statement, and instead he’d just looked… concerned.

And then Jon had offered Martin the cot that he’d woken up in this morning.

It wasn’t the look of concern that had Martin non-verbal, though; of that he was certain. It was the stress of the last two weeks, and dumping out the statement yesterday, and all the whirl of figuring out how to live in the Archives. Jon’s insistence on going with him to pick up basics with a toothbrush at the convenience store, and then coming back to be sure he was okay. Jon finding clean sheets and discussing how he’d do his laundry. Jon had expensed clothing bought online to the Institute, including next-day shipping, because he’d “lost access to his flat and thus his wardrobe in the line of duty.” It had all been bewildering and overwhelming and it was no real surprise that Martin was in the state he found himself when he woke.

Martin had known as soon as he’d opened his eyes. It was just there, the feeling of nope can’t talk today. He’d pulled on his binder and the same clothing he’d worn the day before and then fumbled around for his phone. Which… he didn’t have. The damn worm-hive-lady had stolen it from him. Well, shit.

He managed to avoid having to figure out how to talk while he went out to get breakfast, just pointing at a scone in the display and smiling at the guy behind the counter as if he wasn’t secretly irritated by the price of everything in Chelsea. By the time Martin got back, Jon was already in his office, so thank God he’d avoided that awkward interaction. He went to make himself tea, and had his breakfast in the breakroom, and brushed his teeth, and then went to get started on…

Wait. He didn’t even know what they were working on right now.

Well, he wasn’t going to bother Jon about it; however nice he’d been last night it surely must have worn off by now, and Martin had no interest in summoning one of his boss’ looks this early in the morning. Normally he’d still be on his commute at this hour.

After a moment’s thought, he went to go see what they’d recorded in his absence, and soon had a stack of statements on his desk. They’d gotten through five statements in the two weeks he’d been gone. Maybe Jon was right. Maybe Martin did contribute “nothing but delays.”

Pushing the thought aside, Martin focused on listening to the tapes, and was just finishing up listening to the second half of Father Edwin Burroughs’ statement when Tim came into the shared office the assistants used.

“Hey, you’re in early. You get the email?”

Martin raised his eyebrows and shook his head.

Tim snorted. “Jon claims he’s got something to warn us about, something that ‘won’t parse properly through digital means.’” He rolled his eyes. “Which is Jon-speak for ‘it’s a weird thing and I don’t want to admit it’s a weird thing because I have to keep my skeptic hat on to preserve my self-image.”

Martin chuckled in solidarity, then gestured toward the door to Jon’s office, to indicate that’s where their boss was.

“Not coming?” Tim asked, his own eyebrow raised. When Martin shrugged, he said, “Well, I guess if you didn’t get the email…” Tim also shrugged, then said, “Guess I’d better get it over with. Wish me luck!”

Martin gave him a thumbs up.

When Sasha came in, Martin silently directed her to Jon’s office as well, then heaved a sigh of relief. He hadn’t had to explain being non-verbal at all yet, and it was already nine o’clock. Maybe if he was lucky, Jon would warn them off talking to him and he’d manage to make it the entire day without having to explain the whole “non-verbal” business to anyone he saw on a regular basis.

Alas, it was barely thirty minutes later that Tim and Sasha returned to talk to him, both wearing expressions of mingled concern and guilt. When they spoke it was a flood of the usual, expected platitudes:

“We’re so sorry!”

“We didn’t know!”

“Are you okay??”

And such like.

Martin shrugged and nodded and shook his head in all the right places, and evidently Jon had played them the tape of his statement so he didn’t have to explain it all again (thank God), and he thought maybe, maybe he could even figure out what statement they were working on right now if he just listened to their chatter after they were done with the niceties, but then…

Well. Then Timothy Stoker happened.

Which is to say, Tim actually looked at Martin, and said, “You’re being awfully quiet. You sure you’re okay?”

And then he and Sasha just… sat there, looking at him expectantly.

Martin sighed and reached for a piece of scrap paper and wrote, I’m autistic and sometimes I go non-verbal. Today’s one of those days, but I don’t have my phone anymore, so no communication app.

As he held up the paper so the others could read the words, Martin braced himself for the ensuing reactions. Pity, probably, like those in the Institute library, and he couldn’t even call in sick to avoid it; he’d rather have scorn and derision. At least those reactions were honest.

What he got from them was not pity, however, nor even scorn.

Sasha hummed. “Autism explains a lot, actually. Don’t worry, it’s not a problem.”

Tim grinned and clapped Martin on the shoulder. “Yeah, why didn’t you just say so? It’s fine, you’ve been through an ordeal. And so you know--you’re hardly the only neurodivergent in the Archives.”

Martin blinked at Tim, then wrote: Wait, what? Who…?

“Would you believe me if I said all of us?” Tim said with a grin. “I have ADD, Jon’s… well… he’s Jon, and as for Sasha…”

Sasha sighed in fond exasperation and cut in, “Tim…”

“I contend that you cannot be neurotypical, Ms. James. You fit in too well around here.”

“I am not admitting to anything on Institute property,” Sasha said with aplomb. “And you shouldn't have either, but here we are.” She looked at Martin. “If HR finds out and they give you any trouble, let us know and we’ll figure out what to do.”

Tim, in the meanwhile, pulled out his phone. “Here, go ahead and use mine for now, until your replacement gets here or whatever. What’s the app so I can install it for you?”

Martin’s jaw had dropped open. Tim having ADD made sense; what did he mean about Jon, though? And Sasha? And what did Sasha mean about HR? And… and why were they being so… nice? So… understanding? It wasn’t an act, or at least he didn’t think it was. They seemed… genuinely fine with it. Accepting, even.

It was the strangest thing Martin had experienced in a while, and that was including the worm-riddled woman who’d stood outside his door for two straight weeks.

From there the day just… went on as normal. Tim installed the app on the phone, Martin’s robot phone lady spoke for him, the three of them did their work, and everything was fine.

Until, of course, the nature of their work reared its ugly head. They were discussing the statement of Leanne Denikin, case #0051701, which they had yet to attach a pithy name to; hence the discussion. It had long since become standard practice to attach a name to the “weirder” statements, to make them easier to discuss. (Jon insisted on using the case numbers on tape still, which was annoying, given that was the only place he did that.)

Martin was reading through the statement, and he typed into Tim’s phone: What do you think of this bit? “Be still, for there is strange music.”

What came out of the phone’s speakers, however, was garbled static followed by high-pitched screeching that startled Martin so much he actually dropped the phone.

Jon was walking in just as this happened; he stopped in the doorway, blinking. “What on Earth was that?”

“Martin’s robot lady gave Tim’s phone an aneurysm, I think,” Sasha said, eyeing Martin as well.

Martin scrabbled on the floor for the phone, pulled up the app (which had crashed), and typed, I don’t know what happened!! I was just typing in something from one of the statements!

Jon frowned at him sharply. “What are you doing with Tim’s phone? Are you quite well?”

“No, Martin is not ‘quite well,’” Tim said. “Non-verbal for the day.”

Then Jon did something that stunned Martin: Jon signed at him, specifically, “Do you know sign language?” He spoke aloud as he said this, too, but also raised his eyebrows and gave a quizzical tilt to his head to convey that he was asking a question.

Martin blinked rapidly, then signed back: “Yes, actually. But Tim and Sasha don’t.”

Jon nodded, then said aloud, along with signing, “Why are you non-verbal, exactly?”

“I have autism,” Martin signed. “Sometimes talking is overwhelming and sometimes, especially in stressful situations, I can’t talk at all. Woke up that way today. It should be gone by tomorrow morning.” Why was he explaining so much more to Jon than he had to the others? Maybe just because Jon knew sign, and thus could communicate in a language Martin found much easier than even the typing.

Jon frowned thoughtfully, then nodded again. Then, still speaking and signing both, “What were you typing into your phone?”

“Be still, for there is strange music. From the statement.” Martin gestured to the statement on his desk.

Jon’s frown deepened and he repeated the words. “‘Be still, for there is strange music….’” His expression went slack for a moment, and then he shook himself. “Right. Well. Just… just… I’ll be right back.” Then he abruptly turned and left the room.

Tim and Sasha exchanged bewildered looks. Then Sasha asked, “Do you know what that was all about?”

“I forgot Jon knows BSL,” Tim replied thoughtfully. “Hard of hearing on one side. Not that he’d have agreed to interpret all day or anything.”

Martin shrugged. It’s alright, he typed. This works just fine.

“Well, no, obviously not for some things.” Jon had reappeared as suddenly as he’d disappeared, holding a small brown notebook the size of Martin’s hand. “Here,” he said, thrusting the notebook at Martin. “This will work better, for communicating about the statements. You needn’t use it with me, of course, unless signing is also taxing.”

Martin stared up at Jon. There was an entirely new look on his boss’ face. Not any level of scorn or sneer, nor even concern. He was… nervous. Fidgety. Like he was offering a gift that he was afraid might be rejected.

Something went flip in Martin’s stomach and it was like the entire world turned upside down. Suddenly, in light of Jon’s actions in the last 24 hours, he saw the way his boss had acted toward him the last six months for what it was: a defense mechanism. Armor pulled up around someone fragile and soft and sweet, someone so terrified of rejection that he went about making sure it happened preemptively so he wouldn’t be hurt.

Martin had a sudden, fierce desire to hug Jon and tell him everything would be okay. It was so bewildering a sensation--he didn’t even like the man! At all!--that he just took the notebook with a nod and a signed “Thank you,” eyes still very wide.

Jon nodded in return. “You’re welcome.” He let out a breath, and seemed to relax a little. “Well. Then. I think we’ve found the name for this one, given the way Tim’s phone reacted to those words. ‘Strange Music’ it is.” He straightened himself. “Tim, you said something about the organ reminding you of articles you’ve read…?”

Tim nodded, expression suddenly serious. “Yeah. I’ll see if I can find them for you.”

“Right. Well, then, Sasha, if I could ask you to look through the Archive like we talked about? I’m certain we’ve had a statement from Jane Prentiss.” Jon then turned to Martin. “And if you wouldn’t mind helping me with ‘Schwarzwald?’ You used to work in the library, right?”

Martin was still staring at Jon in confusion, but nodded.

Jon actually smiled at him. Faintly. “Well, then, I’m certain you must know where to find the German history reference books, if you could go grab whatever they’ll let you bring down?”

The strangest thing about it was, Jon seemed sincere. Like he actually believed Martin did, indeed, know the library well enough to just… go up there and find the German history reference books. The faint, confident-in-his-assistant smile was a new look, at least directed at Martin; he’d seen Jon look at Tim and Sasha that way many times before.

Martin’s stomach was doing cartwheels. There were butterflies taking up residence in his intestines. His heart was pounding. How had he never noticed how nice Jon’s smile was? Soft and small, like he was afraid to let it actually take up residence on his face for too long.

Oh, God, oh, no. Martin could not fancy his boss. Jon hated him. Or, well, no, evidence suggested that perhaps Jon did not hate him, but Jon most certainly did not fancy him. This crush had to disappear, just as fast as it had come. This would not do.

He was going to be writing poetry again tonight, wasn’t he? Crap.

“Martin?” Jon’s tone was concerned rather than sharp, and the way Jon said his name made Martin want to sink into the floor.

Instead, he scribbled furiously in the notebook and held it up so all three of the others could see: Yeah, sorry, was just thinking about where that’d be. I’ll bring them down as soon as I find them.

Jon practically beamed at Martin’s use of the notebook and he nodded briskly. “Right! I’ll be in my office when you have the books, then.” He started to turn away.

Martin’s heart went pound pound pound because oh wow Jon was really cute when he let that smile take up more of his face. Throwing caution to the wind, he made a noise to get the other man’s attention.

Jon turned around, quirking a brow. “Yes, Martin?”

Martin signed, “Tea?” He, too, raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to indicate the question.

Jon nodded. “Tea would be lovely, yes.” He smiled at Martin for a brief moment, and then suddenly looked flustered. He glared at them all. “Anyway,” he snapped in his ‘boss’ voice, the impact of which was ruined by the flush rising in his cheeks, “there’s still work to be done. So let’s… do it.” And with that, he turned on his heel and left the office.

Had Jon blushed because Martin had offered him tea? Did Jon like his tea that much? Was Martin imagining things? He had to be imagining things. He put his head down on the desk and wrapped his arms over it so he could grab at handfuls of hair. What was happening to him?

Sasha tried to make her voice serious, but couldn't quite manage it past quite clearly holding back giggles. “Mourn for poor Martin, working alone with Jon.” She looked at Tim. “We should call HR preemptively, it’ll be a bloodbath.”

“Nah, I think Jon’s softening on our boy,” Tim said with a laugh. He reached over to ruffle Martin’s hair with one hand while he took his phone back with the other. “Don’t worry, Marto. I told you he’d come around one day.”

Martin looked up at Tim with a stricken, betrayed expression. In the notebook: Is this how you comfort me in my hour of need??

Sasha shook her head. “For once, Tim’s being serious. You weren’t in the room when Jon explained things to us. He’s worried about you, he doesn’t want you to have to leave the Institute alone, he doesn’t want you to have to look for the Prentiss statement in case it’s ‘too traumatic’ for you to run across on your own. He actually asked us if we thought we should avoid any mention of Prentiss altogether in your presence.”

“I told him no,” Tim said. “I hope that was okay. You seem like you’d rather deal with trauma by facing it and figuring it out, rather than avoiding it entirely.”

Matin gaped at them. Really? he wrote. Jon’s… worried about me? Really? As if he hadn’t seen the evidence just now that Jon was, indeed… softening.

Tim gave Martin a very serious look. “I’ve told you before… I’ve known Jon, well, not as long as I’ve known Sasha, but for a long while now. He’s prickly and thorny, even to people he cares about, but that’s a front and I’ve said so. You just didn’t believe me.”

“In Martin’s defense,” Sasha put in, “Jon’s been awfully ‘prickly and thorny’ to him specifically.”

Tim put up a hand. “Oh, I agree. I have had words with our dear boss about the way he treats Martin, largely because I’m one of the few people he might actually listen to.” He looked at Martin. “I don’t want to take the credit, because it’s really been a remarkably fast turnaround, but I’d like to think I helped, a little.”

Martin frowned thoughtfully. Thank you, he wrote. If Jon’s at ‘I can stand Martin’ instead of ‘Martin is the source of all bad that happens in the Archives’ work might be… better than tolerable, for once.

“That’s the spirit!” Tim said with a grin. “Now, then, Jon did say to get back to work…”

Jon gave Martin another of those soft smiles when Martin brought in the tea, a smile which widened on seeing the stack of books he carried in right after. That afternoon, spent sitting and going through books and discussing the Schwarzwald statement, was the first of many they’d spend together, reading and talking and comparing notes.

Martin was feeling verbal again the next morning, but he kept the notebook. If nothing else, it was a good place to jot down poetry. And it came in handy when he found himself unable to speak the morning after Jane Prentiss’ attack on the Archives.

And the morning after Jon confronted him about his CV.

And the morning after Jon disappeared, leaving Jurgen Leitner’s body at his desk. (Martin blamed that on the corridors more than the body, really.)

Funnily enough, he didn’t need it the morning after the Unknowing. But he kept it with him that day all the same, the first gift Jon had ever given him, and one of the few things he had left of him with Jon in a coma.

--------------------------------------------

When they reached Daisy’s safehouse in Scotland, Martin had hoped he’d somehow manage to dodge the threat of going non-verbal. He’d been the one to drive the car, over Jon’s protests; it was something to focus on, to keep him remembering he was alive and real. He’d clutched the wheel and driven north north north with Jon giving directions in the passenger seat.

Martin had finally figured out that it was the chance to stop and think about trauma that led to his being non-verbal, which was why it was almost always a thing that hit in the morning. Adrenaline would keep him running after a stressful event, and then he’d carry himself through the rest of the day trying to clean up whatever mess had been caused. But sleep was enough for his body and brain to both tell him to stop, to process, to deal with whatever he’d run into.

It was possible, in hindsight, that he’d gone non-verbal more than once since the Unknowing and just hadn’t noticed because he’d been barely interacting with anyone. He’d certainly had a bad bout the morning after his mother’s funeral, dealing with so much misgendering and fake smiles. And there had been more than enough trauma to try to process in the past year, so it must have happened before.

He’d just really, really hoped it wouldn’t now, because he didn’t want to put Jon through that. (Why he thought he was putting Jon through anything he didn’t really want to examine. It made him feel Lonely, and that was bad.)

At any rate, the realization of why he went non-verbal had led to him keeping busy in order to hold it off, in order to hold himself together. So he drove, and he puttered about the cabin poking into cupboards, and he talked to Jon, and he talked to the shop lady in the village, and he brought back food and made dinner with Jon, and everything was good and fine.

And then he woke up the next morning, in an unfamiliar bed in an unfamiliar room, and he could not speak.

There was the smell of bacon and eggs and pancakes cooking, and Martin made his bleary way out into the main room of the cabin and peered at Jon, already up and dressed and cooking.

His boyfriend turned to look at him and smiled, one of those soft smiles Martin had come to love so much. “Sleep well?”

"Not really,” Martin signed. “I mean…” He gestured at his throat.

Jon nodded. “I figured you might feel that way this morning. I, uhh… hold on a moment, I need to….” He grabbed the pan of bacon and moved it off the heat, pulled a pancake off the griddle and deposited it on a plate, then turned off the stove and went to poke around in one of the bags.

Martin chuckled fondly. “What’re you looking for?”

Jon was still digging through his bag. “When I was grabbing essentials at the store, back in London, I was thinking, you’ve been through a lot, and the notebook I gave you before must be full if you even have it anymore. I know you were writing poetry in it, and… oh, here we go.”

Jon came up with another small notebook. This one was not plain and brown, the way the first one he’d gifted Martin all those years ago had been. This one was black, and had silvery stars on its cover that, as Jon held out the book and thus tilted it through the light, shimmered into rainbows.

“Just in case, you know, the shop lady doesn’t know BSL.”

Martin blinked at the notebook.

“It, uhh… I know it’s not your usual style,” Jon said, his voice suddenly nervous. He was looking down at the notebook as he spoke, instead of at Martin. “Not… retro. But… I saw it and I thought of you.” He paused. “That tape, where you were talking to Simon Fairchild. He talked about the ‘cosmic scale,’ and how we’ve never even been alive on that time frame, and you said… what was it? You said, ‘I think our experience of the universe has value. Even if it disappears forever.’ And I just… that was… maybe the most… it was very… you. And there were other options, flowers or cursive writing, o-or… I don’t know, they all seemed so obvious, but this…”

Jon swallowed, and finally looked up at Martin. “I thought, after the Lonely, you might like a reminder that, you have value. That… that to me, you shine as bright as any star.” And then he flushed, and Martin knew it was for him, just as he now knew the flushes about tea all those years ago had also been for him.

Martin was gaping. Oh. Oh. Jon… loved him. Which he’d known, intellectually, but the emotional knowledge of it hit him suddenly, took his breath away. He knew it, all at once, in that “oh we could spend the rest of our lives together” way he’d never really thought he’d ever feel.

Jon had clearly misinterpreted the expression; he started stammering, “I-if… it it’s bad, I can… well, no, I can’t take it back, stupid, I should’ve just grabbed the one that had--”

Martin cut him off by reaching out to take the notebook from Jon and reached out with his other hand to cup the shorter man’s cheek. He smiled, and because he’d realized long ago how well Jon responded to physical touch, he leaned in to plant a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead.

Then he pulled back to put the notebook aside on the counter and signed, “It’s perfect. Thank you.” A pause, and then, “I love you.”

Jon smiled, both speaking and signing, “I love you, too.”

And for once in his life, Martin knew that to be true, and trusted that knowledge. He was loved. He had been loved, and he would be loved for the rest of his life, whatever state his voice was in.

#the magnus archives #tma #jonmartin #jon sims #jonathan sims #jon the archivist #martin blackwood #tim stoker #sasha james #archives gang #otp: one way or another together #fanfic #my fanfic #ableism tw #jmart #canon tma fic

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dani-is-a-pixie · 3 years ago

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Shit they don’t tell you about Autism/Aspergers

Well, I’ve been learning more and more about different signs of being neurodiverse and I thought I’d put my own experiences here just in case it might be able to help someone else understand their diagnosis or themselves better. If you feel you have Autism, please speak to your GP or doctor to be able to talk to a professional because like all things, self diagnosing isn’t a good idea, ya feel me. - Let’s talk clothing b. Yes, so basically Autistics like to dress more comfortable, probably hate things like tags (I used to cut them off) and might only wear certain fabrics. Some people might wear certain colours only as well. Although, the general thing is that Autistics “aren’t expressive” you’ll find a lot of Autistics are and that might be reflected through their alternative clothing choices. Another thing is you might have very sensitive skin, washing powder can cause rashes and itchiness, you might not even be able to use soap. - Hair. Hair is so gross. So basically you might feel that having your hair in your face is so annoying. Ever since I was little I always remember just tying my hair up and leaving it like that. Wanting short hair to avoid it touching your face because of sensory issues. Although, you might like to have it coloured and expressive you might struggle to have your hair down because it just feels so gross. In relation to hair when washing it you might hate the sensation of shampoo and water and all that. - Although, being very monotone is a sign of Autism being very expressive is also a sign. The thing is I feel a lot of Autistic people without the correct support have probably got a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and I feel like that combined with feeling Autistic might make it hard for you to put any energy into things, whereas you know you are a expressive person. Also you probably have hella empathy. I know that is like the opposite of what you hear but seriously, myself and some other people I know with Autism are very empathetic people and feel emotions to an extreme. Although, it might not seem like we feel anything from facial expressions and responses we might be feeling so much it’s just too overwhelming to express it. - Let’s talk acting like a child. Not saying this to dig because I’m the same way, but most people who have Autism might regress into a childlike state which is known as age regressing. It’s usually a coping mechanism to deal with stress but I suppose it could also be triggered by sensory issues? Like I find when I’m really happy I’m very childlike. Oh and you might act younger then you are or be really immature, not always taking things seriously or understanding things. Which is okay and why having a specialist to help support you with the stuff you struggle with is key. - Stim. Stim. Stim. We hear about happy stim, sad stim but honestly you might just stim for every emotion. Also people with Autism might seem like they have tics but they can have vocal stims as well as motor. - Gender is complex right? Yeah I feel you. Feel like you flucuate between genders, have no gender, feel in the middle or might even be trans - although, this is a sensitive topic Autistics actually are more likely to have different relationships with gender due to how we view and feel about the world. So whatever gender you are b, you are valid! - Identity is confusing. The thing is you might feel like you have alters or different versions of yourself as well, which is why Autism is not diagnosed and you might be diagnosed with BPD or like DID. The thing is identity for us is always so confusing and we have such a different relationship about things about ourselves and how we view things. Sometimes it feels like someone were not and sometimes we feel like a different person, but that is okay and valid. - Control as a stress management. Now this is where things like eating disorders can be developed, maybe self destructive behaviours like self harming or perhaps being very toxic to keep everything the way you can because you feel like your life is going out of control. I really do feel you - and that’s why seeing a specialist can help you cope with shitty times like this. But that is a sign. - You have a safe space. Probably your house, your room and you barely leave it. You feel so fucking overwhelmed outside. Too many people, too many noises, too many things going on, which is why Autism can seem like an anxiety disorder but you just feel things very sensitive and can have sensory overload. - If you’re an adult now, probably as a child you were told you were just intelligent and there’s nothing wrong with you. Yep. Same here. Parents tried to get me diagnosed as a young age but they wouldn’t even test me. - For me, I cannot stop listening to music. I express myself through music. I’ll send people songs and tell them to pay attention to the lyrics or the video because it’s how I feel and it’s how I express myself. Some people might do that with art or writing or something they use to express that isn’t vocally with words, people might sing or make songs. There tends to be a creative or different way you express your emotions. - Special interests. They might change throughout your life. I thought you had to have something you were interested in since a kid but they can change and it’s known as hyperfixations! It can be literally anything, and they are valid. You probably hate talking to people if they don’t share one of your hyperfixations because you feel misunderstood or weird or lonely. Doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary. - Might blurt out how you feel to people, like having no filter. You like to have deep meaningful relationships and want friends you can talk about your deep routed emotions and dreams with rather then wow there is something on the news. That shit doesn’t interest you at all. - This might be an embarassing one but you might have a lot of issues with going to the toilet (ie. bleeding or runny stools and etc), especially when you’re stressed you might have really bad stomach issues or abdomen issues. That aren’t always explained but are probably stress induced when everything is too much for you, people tend to be more sensitive to those types of things if they’re Autistic due to sensory and sensitivites. - Meltdowns can be shown in crying breakdowns, anger breakdowns, can also be shown as completely shut down and you might experience catatonia, where you struggle to talk or move because you feel so sad, you might get so worked up and might even feel as low as feeling suicidal and might self harm as well when in these meltdowns. - You hate injustice and you probably are an advocate for the mentally ill or disabled. Seeing injustice might actually trigger a meltdown because you want to change things - due to your extreme empathy but you struggle to accept you can’t save the world. - Might have fake friends but as you grow older might cut those people off for using your energy and might end up with having barely any to no friends. Might feel extremely lonely and not understand why people can’t just be nice to you. - Relationships you probably take very seriously, like full on planning marriages when it might just seem like nothing to someone. This can make you prone to abusive relationships and you might not always notice if that person is good for you, no matter what they do you probably try to continue to fix the relationship. Took some notes from p-3a-s-life-resources <3 and personal experience.

#autism #asperger #aspergers #neurodivergent #neurodiverse #shit they dont tell you #signs #mental health #awareness #information #oh heck this is long

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system-of-a-feather · 4 years ago

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I still seriously don’t get people that really think DID is a fun thing to have or something you want to have. Yeah maybe the beginning of figuring it out is like “uwu friends” but god, if I haven’t heard every part in the system in the last month or two curse about how fucking stupid and a pain in the ass it is, then I would be lying to you.

Even as much as we are very well adapted to living as a system, managing dissociative amnesia and navigating life and relationships with it, and even with how much we have shaped our lifestyle to accommodate it, some things about having DID are just stupidly and pointlessly internalized in the literal most ridiculous ways and it’s just frustrating.

Growing up with a brain that compartmentalizes and conceptualizes self and trauma in whatever way makes sense to a child’s developing brain and builds it off of that just ends up with some really annoying results.

Now that most of the awe and shock of “oh new parts and figuring out the life style” and the “mystique of having this weird disorder” has pretty much all passed, this disorder is just frustrating, annoying, and a pain in the ass to deal with.

We all love each other, and having alters is not something we hate really. We don’t have much issue with each other and that is all coped with. It is just everything else BESIDES the alter symptom that comes with this disorder that makes us all just so damn tired.

And with that being said, having DID is not just “alters disorder” or “being plural” or “having multiple personalities” or whatever. Its a dumbass chronic dissociative disorder formed from a really pervasive and maladaptive coping mechanism due to really early childhood trauma.

If you think a disorder caused from really early childhood trauma has the main and most important symptom being alters, then you really really do not understand how badly trauma fucks with psychological development.

I’m so over having this disorder right now.

Anyways, feel free to reblog and converse cause god damn am I bitter about how this brain has screwed me over with how it likes to compartmentalize stupidly way too many times.

-Ray (Gatekeeper)

#alter: ray #vent #vent tw #actuallydid #dissociative identity disorder #I'm a grumpy asshole when I am depressed

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pirates-and-posies · 3 years ago

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Ask and you shall receive! Lemme explain some reasonings- also this is going to get long so I'll put it under a cut!

Thank you for the asks anon, @sisididis, and @helian-skies! 💙

For 🇵🇹:

He didn't get enough screen time and I am mad about it, same applies to many characters!! But him especially!! Give me MORE PORT!! I quite enjoy his design a lot because more characters need long hair.. but I also need Hima to draw him with his fucking hair down please it's all I ask!!! But also his design is weird (mostly in the anime) because they twinked him up. Hima make up ur mind you drew this man so fucking beefy put more meet on him!! I would marry him if he was real no balls (if he's human.. nationverse is complicated and I would be terrified of an immortal hottie ok)

For 🇪🇸:

He's so fucking stoopid I love him but also I legit don't know how to feel about him yk? Like,, I've been in this fandom for years and he's basically been my fave for so long, but at the end of the day I cannot describe him crystal clear. He's strange and I want more content from Hima of him, tho he has more content than some characters I still wish for more in-depth stuff! Mooore!! I'd marry him if I could but also nationverse strikes again.

For both:

They're extremely complex characters in my mind, not only just from what we know in canon but also from peer and personal interpretation! I think these two can easily be made morally grey, and that's extremely important when exploring their history. Like I don't think they're awful individuals, but fiction is an endless space and people tend to have their own fun. I make them assholes here and little shits there, but I don't think they're downright evil. Humans are complex, and Nationverse is the last situation I would consider them NOT be difficult to pin down. Antonio is mentioned to be two-faced, which is something I enjoy exploring a lot because there is no way with his history his happiness and obliviousness isn't some sort of coping mechanism he chooses to use rather than a natural thing. Also, my views on these two are not superior to anybody else's btw I just thought it would be funny to put that since I do deal with my own interp the most! Other people's interps are so fucking good okay (I am looking at you two!!)

But at the same time, I also hate the majority of fanon's interp over the years. Making Port some weirdo with a victim complex confuses me a lot looking at how absolutely stubborn this poor fucker is in my mind, but I do believe he would have depression issues and some form of imposter syndrome. But he's not weak and he doesn't see himself as a poor sod, he can acknowledge in some situations he's helpless and in others he can solve them. Older nations are stubborn and hate asking for help, I don't doubt he hates it lmao. But yeah kinda over the whole "poor Port" thing he can be a dick when the situation calls for it! This can apply to Antonio too, he's not a pathetic little shit either but they both have their moments obviously

And with Spain.. don't get me started on him. Please. I know his obliviousness is canon, but obliviousness doesn't equate to stupid and they make him so ignorant like there's just no way in hell. I know he may not read social situations well, but he sure as fuck knows how to read people (all except Port from what I'm seeing haha but that's a different situation). Spanish people are relatively blunt, but he wouldn't say something so awfully rude it would hurt somebody unless he intended it to lol. And he seems like the kind of person to be extremely smart with the things he enjoys! Canon kinda supports that as well, but it's a very recent development with the trivia thing being a new strip reveal but hshdjc you get my point hopefully!

Also the idea that they're related gets on my nerves sometimes because over 3/4ths of the people I've seen headcanon that get ignorant with it (as in, they culture blend and don't actually differentiate between Spanish and Portuguese people and are SUPER disrespectful! Also the name Carriedo doesn't exist in Portuguese at least be a little bit accurate if ur giving them the same names lol) Those who do it and aren't wild with it tho? I adore seeing all dynamics between the two. Go ham! Just be more kind and try not to make Spanish and Portuguese people out to be a monolith and also listen to them pls they would know a thing or two!!

On a more personal note, the they're literally me thing is a complete joke because I have hazel green eyes and brown hair lmfao. Depending on when I cut my hair I can make myself resemble them relatively easy with the exception of glasses because I'm blind as fuck hahaha. I also project onto them a lot because I project on all of my characters. I make them both Bi and mentally complex in some sort of way!! They're both impulsive and stubborn like me, and Antonio in my heart has ADHD to the max. Port has my weird affinity with the sea and the color blue while Antonio my obsession with fire and the color red. Just little things, they're obviously not me in the slightest but I give them elements of myself because I am controlling them in a fictional environment, and because it helps me cope knowing they can be liked and have similarities with me (I have,, unfortunate self esteem issues lmao) so yeah I just really adore them and I also replicate their characters as well. I will be honest in saying I project more on Antonio than Port tho hdhrjf- If I'm kind like Antonio and calm like Port, maybe I'll be liked more ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Just like them, I am a complex individual as well. We all are, humans are fucking nuts and it's fun to think about- also as you can see I'm mentally ill as fuck about them so not much explanation needed there LMAOO

Sorry for the long rant but I was really happy to have answered this!! Thank you for the asks dears 💙💙💙

#Sincerely sorry if it @s you all multiple times 😭#I just want it to fucking woRk aa #Feel free to comment on my ideas n share your own!! Asks are always open and I like friendly discussions!!#I fear this hitting the main tags but I need to stay organized #So if any onlookers are from the tags also feel free to add ur thoughts but be nice about it pls n ty 😭#aph spain #aph portugal #hetalia #personal #ask game

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