#ace experience

[battlekidx2]

“Do you like girls?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you like boys?”

“I don’t know. I think I like TV shows.”

I remember when I was in middle school all the other girls were talking about the guys they liked and I said I didn’t like anyone. I just wanted to do my own thing.

I didn’t really get why I would want to date anyone. I understood friendship, companionship— having someone to share my interests and mutually info dump to sounded cool— but I struggled to understand the appeal of spending every day and every night with someone else. Of holding hands and going on dates. 

This led to a lot of homophobic bullying and a few of them would act disgusted that I might be into them. Constantly acting like I was looking at their boobs and sexualizing them (I never made eye contact with anyone and would frequently look at the wall or space out while looking in their general direction). Or make a big show of not being interested and many other things.

I didn’t get this either. I didn’t know why I would be interested in any of them. They treated me poorly and I thought attraction was something people made up and simply just claimed to feel towards other people.

Just like I never understood celebrity crushes. You don’t know the person so how could you possibly know you liked them? And I never understood how people “chose” who they dated. Did they just choose whoever they liked hanging out with the most?

But any time I voiced this it was always met with worse and worse reactions. It led to isolation among peers and my family. My parents made it pretty clear I wasn’t who they wanted me to be. That I wasn’t normal.

I soon learned to fake it. Pretend I understood it.

The idea of not being attracted to anyone seemed like a foreign idea to most people I met. Even when I branched out and moved away, I met a few people in the lgbt community who couldn’t grasp it either and reacted poorly and it made me feel stupid. Like maybe I wasn’t just screwed up to people who fit in the neat little box society wants you to fit in, but to everyone else as well.

Maybe I was wrong. If it’s an impossibility even in this community that champions diversity and acceptance then can that really be my reality?

I kept trying to force it. To date, but every time I did I always felt that same skin crawling discomfort and it always petered out. It didn’t matter who it was or what gender. It always felt wrong. It was suffocating.

I don’t think there’s a movie that better portrays that all consuming, suffocating stagnation of feeling so out of place– knowing you’re out of place compared to those around you– and in response forcing yourself to fit what other people expect of you than I Saw the TV Glow.

Whenever I think back to growing up or whenever I return home that same feeling this movie is centered around always drenches my experiences.

And even now it’s hard to put into words when I talk to other people what I’ve felt when it comes to this aspect of my life.

That comment from Owen about knowing there’s nothing there when talking about romance and attraction, but being too afraid to look and knowing that his parents know something is wrong with him hit harder than any other scene from a movie I’ve watched this year.

It’s that absence of something that is at the heart of asexuality that makes me always question what I choose to identify as when I have to explain it to someone. Because for the most part my explanation boils down to (in broad oversimplified terms): I’ve never felt attraction, I’m more interested in watching a Spider-Man movie than I’ve ever been into even just the idea of dating, every time I’ve attempted to date it’s been uncomfortable and I’ve actively dodged anything beyond friendship while in the “relationship”.

And when I try to voice that to another person it always feels like those experiences don’t hold water. That’s describing the absence of something. There’s no real proof of the identity.

With being bi or gay or lesbian there’s something you can I don’t know—point to?— that can help you know your identity.

And that’s the fact that you’ve experienced attraction towards one or more people of one or more genders.

It’s defined not by the lack of something but the presence of an experience.

And so every time I try and explain it I end up feeling stupid. Like I just haven’t tried hard enough to find someone compatible. That I need to get back into the proverbial saddle and try again. I always in some way feel ashamed and backtrack as a result.

This is in no way to say that it’s harder or easier to be one identity or the another. Everyone’s experiences are different and everyone experiences are valid. This is just a struggle I’ve found that’s unique to asexuality that many people I’ve talked to have also experienced.

I haven’t felt that part of my experience be seen in media until I saw this movie. Maybe I’m latching onto what I can get or maybe that was an intrinsic part of the movie. That’s not important. What’s important is that it’s something I felt seen in even if it was literally just one scene.

This is my really long winded and roundabout way of saying that I really think this movie is going to stick with me much longer than any other thing I’ve seen this year.

Things can be hard to put into words and as a result I tend to keep things inside. I’m fairly certain I’m ace but it might turn out I’m on a different romantic spectrum then I thought or I fall somewhere different than I thought on the ace spectrum. I don’t know what I’ll discover in the future.

I’m likely not going to express my label out loud to anyone but a select few. I still can’t express this particular label out loud to many people. My family is definitely never going to hear it. A friend or two might.

It’s something I struggle with on a regular basis. I’m fine with identifying with the label in my head—in a lot of ways it makes me feel comfortable and happy— but any time I try to voice it the words die in my throat and I can’t help but feel ashamed. It’s easier to just tell people I don’t want to date right now. That there are all these factors in the way (finances, time, jobs, etc) than it is to try and explain what I’ve just rambled about above.

I know many people have felt and understood that experience and I hope people know they’re valid. You can express your identity with your full chest, shout it from the rooftops and let people know, or you can keep it to yourself, identifying as your label solely in your head. Both experiences are valid. And if your label changes at some point in your life that doesn’t make what you chose to identify as at this point any less valid too. People are always learning and growing. You can gain a new understanding of yourself as time move forward.

Sorry for the way too long ramble. This movie made me feel things.

[exvangelical-christian-nerd]

tw discussion of aphobia and sexuality

One thing I absolutely love about Hazbin Hotel is the diversity of representation in it. However I do note a lack of respect for that same diversity in the Fandom and it infuriates me. Yes, I am primarily talking about Alastor. Alastor is canonically AroAce. There seems to be a complete disregard for that in a large portion (though not all of course) of the Fandom. I've seen him shipped with Lucifer, Vox, Rosie, and Angel. I also want to say I've seen him shipped with Charlie and Vaggie, though, fortunately, not particularly commonly. Now I do understand that desire and attraction are not necessarily synonymous. Dude, I’m aro (specifically demi-ro) and allos3xual ( bi specifically), I'm familiar. I also know QPRs are a thing. However the implications in the vast majority of shipping posts is not that a desire (without attraction) is being filled or that the relationship is a QPR. It is an implication of romantic and/or (usually and) s3xual attraction and chemistry. Also in addition to the attraction situation there's another issue I have with these ships, I would say canonically it is implied that Alastor is not only AroAce, but is also sex repulsed (I'm not going to go into my arguments for that in this post, but maybe in another). Now if you're looking at me going “Didn't the creator say we could ship anybody with anybody” or “it doesn't really matter,” Let me put a question to you. If you saw a character who was canonically confirmed to be lesbian, and a large portion of people in the Fandom started constantly shipping her with every single man in the cannon, would you still have this same level of apathy? I doubt it. If people were excusing it with “it’s just my headcanon ” or “the creator said we can ship anybody” would that change anything? No that would still be lesbian erasure I'm pretty sure I'd be seeing a lot of posts with people up in arms about it, right? Why aren't we bringing the same energy here. It's the same thing. This is AroAce erasure. Now if you're saying, and I've seen people say this kind of thing, “it's just a character it doesn't matter. Pick something that does,” Yes it does matter. There are very, very few confirmed AroAce characters, just in general. We know that representation matters. Also aphobia is a problem not only outside, but also inside of the LGBTQ + community. There are people who tell aro and ace people they aren’t really part of the LGBTQ+ community, even to the extent of not allowing them in LGBTQ+ spaces. Our character representation deserves the same respect as yours. We deserve respect.

[wizard-tinky-winky]

hey do any other aces get infantilized by their friends as well? the other day I noticed my friends kept censoring themselves around me when it comes to talking about their sex lives and when questioned they just went "oh, I thought you didn't like that stuff" like yeah, I don't like having sex the fuck???????? that's not the same thing at all?? could've at least asked. anyway. yeah.

[vampire-meta-knight]

Aces are queer BECAUSE they’re ace

It never ceases to piss me off that some ace exclusionists will claim you aren’t queer because you’re ace, but you are queer because you’re also homoromantic/biromantic/[insert any non-hetero and non-aro romantic attraction here].

I’m a sapphic ace. I am grayromantic, but the part of me that does feel romantic attraction feels it towards women, so I do identify with being a lesbian. However, I am far more of an asexual than a lesbian. I have more in common with asexuals, I am more impacted by my asexuality, and overall, it’s just a larger part of my identity and always has been. I knew I was ace long before I knew I liked girls.

I don’t fit in with allo lesbians--not all the way. There’s still that barrier there. I like women romantically and aesthetically, but not sexually. I can’t relate to a lot of lesbian experiences because of my lack of attraction and my sex-aversity, so although I still feel comfortable calling myself a lesbian, it doesn’t always feel like home in the same way “asexual” does.

Because I can relate to ace experiences. I do feel what aces feel. I feel the frustration of not being able to understand what allosexuals and alloromantics feel. I feel the anger at being the only one in a room who’s grossed out by sex and gets made fun of and infantilized for it. I feel the irritation at not being understood by those around you, how they just don’t understand that you aren’t interested in dating, don’t want to have sex, don’t find people attractive. I feel the internal pain of questioning yourself over and over, of feelings changing and wondering if you’ve been wrong about yourself all along, or feeling like you can’t change because you fear it would just prove everyone else right--that it was a “phase” and you did just need to “grow up” or “meet the right person” or “try it once to see if you like it” and denying your own complexity and fluidity to fit in the narrow box of what society thinks asexual is, all so they can’t invalidate you. I feel the despair at feeling broken, at fearing you’re missing out on something wonderful, at wishing you were something you weren’t just so you could fit in with everyone else and finally know what’s so great about being allo.

I am queer because I am ace. I am queer because I am grayromantic. I am queer because I’m sapphic. I am queer because I don’t belong with the alloromantic straights. I am queer because they way I view romance and sexuality is different from the mainstream.

My identity is shaped by many parts. I am queer because of all of them together, not by only one on its own.

[ancient-depressed-druid]

Hey girlie's

Just a reminder that ace people and people under the "ace umbrella" ARE part of the LGBT+ community and don't own anything to exclusionists.

Cis ace people are part of the community

Heteroromantic aces are valid

ASEXUALS ARE JUST AS PART OF THE COMMUNITY AS ME (a bisexual woman)

And to those that say "ace people didn't suffer or get persecuted for their sexuality " you're very wrong.

Asexuals often recieve hate from straight and LGBT people.

Asexuals often get "correctively raped".

Asexuals often resort to self harm and suicidal tendencies bc they are thought there's something "wrong" or "broken" within them.

Treat ace people like people, dont try to force them to justify their existence within a community they're actually part of.

[gaydinosaurrr]

Tactically pansexual, actually asexual

[converse-and-mnms]

i think a cannon ace experience should be not understanding why u would ever not “wait until marriage”

[aroace-cat-lady]

One of the funniest things about the ace experience is fandom being like Oh nooo he's hot!! while I'm like is he???

[auricdrake]

[iloveonionsverymuch]

Hey can we as a community stop combining ace and aro and aroace by default?

I love being ace. I love aro and aroace people (yall are cool). But i hate not having anything to relate to because im still romantic despite a lack of sexual attraction.

Idk just thinkin

[aliciadurhamillustration]

It is so much easier for allosexual queers to have representation in media than asexuals.

For example, a TV show can have two women kissing or having sex and there is never any need for one of them to say "I identify as a lesbian," It is already obviously implied.

Asexuals don't have that privilege. The term actually has to be used in a show and it ends up feeling unnatural, or breaking the flow from the drama, or like the show is trying to educate you.

I think this is one of the reasons why its hard to find official ace rep, because its just harder to write us in.

[acey-lacey]

Did anyone else have a really hard time reading loveless? And not for any of the reasons you might be thinking

I struggled through it because for some reason Georgia’s experiences were so so similar to mine when I was realizing I was ace. And it felt like my own thoughts were being directly projected at me

Liiiike her realizing during her transition from high school to university? Check

Figuring it out right when a friend is starting to like her and just hoping she’ll start devoting feelings? Check

The sadness for realizing the life you imagined really wasn’t gonna happen for you? Yep

And I know a lot of other aces found peace with relating to her but her life experiences reflected mine scarily closely

I had to take breaks like every chapter lol I related too hard people

[yagikidd57]

[titenoute]

Demi is within the ace spectrum, so yes, you do count as LGBT+, anything that's not Hetero+Cis is LGBT+, you don't have to worry about not counting

Thank you for your kind words anon but here's the thing. I have only realized I was on the ace spectrum last year. (And what an adventure it was...) And if we follow your definition then I don't exactly count ? Bc I *am* a cis woman** and the only relationship I have ever been in (and still am in) is hetero***. If I follow your definition I am pretty much on thin ice. So I don't think I count.

**I actually have been misgendered as a dude a few times. Mind you, it never felt wrong ? Then again, people always immediately apologize whenever it happens but it just feels ....Irrelevant. Unimportant. Go on call me dude bro, I do not care. And tbh, I think the whole gender thing is a big scam. Buuut....I do refer myself and present as a woman and I like my boobs sooo. Seems pretty cis to me ? Idk.

*** I did have a few crushes on friends who happened to be girls when I was younger. But it's only last year that I realized that they were crushes by pretty much going '....Hold on wait a minute...That's wasn't very straight of me was it ???....Not very straight of her either.......uuuuuuuh.........' So yeah... Would I go out with a woman if I was not in a relationship right now ? Fuck if I know. I know would stay with my current partner (a cis guy) if he suddenly went 'honey I am actually a trans woman'( which I don't see this ever happening with him). Idk if that counts ?

[mysteriouslystarstruckcolor]

Asking as an asexual with somewhat average (or so I assume) sex drive... Does anyone else's brain sometimes confuse being horny for being hungry??

Like, my body wants some but my mind doesn't recognise it for what it is and offers alternatives like that meme with the butterfly

[frogofshadyorigin]

I recently had a moment with my qpp that to me was really funny, so I want to share it.

First of, we are in a queer platonic relationship and since I'm a sex repulsed ace and they are totally fine with it, we have literally no intention to pursue this sort of activity/change in our relationship anytime soon.

Anyways. So we were recently sitting on my bed, having a big emotional moment (positive) and it was really nice.

But then my brain, which can literally not give me one minute of silence a day, was directly going on about this whole societal thing.

I don't want to go into too much detail about what happened but my brain was right when it told me that in a highschool series (or any kind of entertainment) this would have been the moment where we would have opened up to each other and finally realized there was more that connected us, which we would have, of course, shown through sex.

But the whole irony of it was funny. Because we were just sitting there, drinking mulled wine with literally no intention of doing anything, except for leaning against each other and drinking mulled wine.

I don't even know what's so funny about it, but the whole thing, the way we stood against what would have been seen as the thing to happen just was funny to me. Genuinely funny, which is rare for me.

Well that's the story. I don't know if it is really funny, but to me it was.