#but i dont currently have a therapist
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Okay, so, I called about getting on T and the ONLY clinic within 2 HOURS of me, REQUIRES a therapist and doctors notes, AND a referral, which means I have to get a new primary care physician because my current one is incapable of referring me for some goddamn reason
#but i at least took the first steps#im proud of myself for that at least#OH ALSO#i might be getting therapy soon#tbd waiting to hear back if they can do telehealth appts#but i dont currently have a therapist#so i cant get a therapist note for HRT#fuck all this shit
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okay maybe I should seriously reconsider my path in life and sell my soul to marketing or journalism instead
#okay venting in the tags you are very welcome to ignore or not respond to it i just need to yell somewhere#i always thought id be an art therapist because well i care about people and want to help them and love art#but everyday i wake up feeling like a fraud and an imposter so like. should i really be doing all that when im not entirely#certain i cpuld handle it??? like i know i haven't gotten the meaty bit of the education towards that yet but like#university costs a disgusting amount of money here and if i pick the wronf thing im likely doomed forever thanks to awful government#i know things could get better like they did after thatcher but honestly im not putting any bets on it considering how the current labour#party is so like if i fuck up here im basically dead#also can i actually do art uni. like could i cope with that. im deeply unethused with art at the moment and honestly will i evwr be#idk#it was jusr a thing i always did but education around it is fucking soul sucking#also the emotional weight of hearing and solving people's problems as a therapist. i would consider myself quite empathetic for the most#part i feel other people's pain quite strongly and obviously as a therapist id be feeling that quite a bit so could i actually cope with it?#ik therapists have therapists but still#i mean im doing work experience at an occupational therapy place so ill just be extra inquisitive about it all to make sure im going#the way i wanna#I'll be fine by the end of a levels ill probably understand what i want in life#if not then gap year to work it out#should probably look at unis for english language too then#sigh#ucas website i may as well marry you#ill be okay im getting in my head about stuff im actually pretty good at art even if there are things i can improve on (like patience lol)#yeah maybe the voice telling me i suck doesnt know shit and should shut up#yeah#shut it nasty voice you're wrong actually!!! im doing just fine and you're being overly critical#they should make a brain that's your friend and not mush that hides the amalgamation of every bad thing ever in its crevices#crevices shoyild be filled with kindness and love.#sex jokes about that#why the fuck is yahoo mail syncing i dont use you you washed up search engine#bue waffling#vent post
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Hey you might think its weird that i put this on my arcane obssesed blog its in the tags So today i was looking trough the website of the new school that im gonna attend this year and like. Im just realizing that they werent fucking kidding when they said it was the best school in my (big) city THERE ARE FUCKING national celebrities in maths and art coming to the events organized there to tell us shit and im like?? Theres NO way that im climbing the social ladder of society rn IF I EVER TURN INTO A SNOBBY BITCH CLOCK ME TF OUT IMMEDIATLY you hear me???? I have middle class origins its not as if i have some inherent conection to the lower classes. Like if u do not get what im getting at im just deeply afraid that im gonna use the fact that i go to this higher education school like a coping mechanism to coax my own insecurites and then turn around and look down on other ppl who have not been lucky enough in life SO IF I EVER TURN INTO A SNOBBY BITCH CLOCK ME TF OUT IMMEDIATLY it would be greatly appreciated 🙏🙏 thank you
#i know this is so weird to put on my arcane blog but currently i have pretty much no one to talk to#like im gonna see my therapist next week and im sure gonna forget all of this by that time#and like its also gonna affect the way i interact w arcane cus its all about class warfare and i dont wanna be the snobby bitch of the fando#u know?#anyway
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its me and my inability to compromise against the world
#i hate it when plans are changed i fucking hate it so much#i desperately need to rant about this im having an awful time ..Augh#my dad lost his job and is selling his house. we have at MOST 3 weeks to get out of here#so wrre moving to the house next to my moms. my grandpa owned b4 he died. HOWEVER#i hate that house its dirty as hell. i cant live with my mom theres barely 2 rooms there and i currently sleep on a couch in the living roo#there are 3(?) bedrooms where my dad is moving and they are SIGNIFICANTLY smaller than. literally everything#so well have. not a lot of space. not to mention that all the rooms are shaped so fucking weird. shitty old house bonus#literally everything has the fucking landlord special cause my mom used to rent it except all of the tennants were jerks#so the house has A Vibe. /neg. and its a weird combo of dustu and sticky#Im getting off topic.#i was allowed to choose my room a while back and we all agreed on everything and made plans and thought everything was set in stone#the room i was supposed to get is small asf and has slanted walls. (attic room ig) but it was fine#but my mom was like noo! actually! your older brother is getting that room! we never agreed on anything!!#whicj is AWFUL#i HATE CHANGE#AND. i wish you could see the room im supposed to have now but im at My dad's rn#its so fucking small. the water heater is in there. there's a low hanging fucking duct pipe or whatever right by the door#its pink#it smells like shit#ots right next to the washer and dryer.#there is no light. i hate it so much#ITS SMALL. AND JUST FUCKING SUCKS#i might sound like a dick but everything is so stressful rn i dont want to move school starts in 2 weeks i dont know my schedule i don't#have anyone to talk to. we're all fucking broke as hell and my mom refuses to help my dad because. i dont even know why#sorry. btw#i need someone to talk to so bad#they won't get me a therapist because 1 its not covered by insurance and 2 my dad lost his job and said insurance#i can't get a job because i can't drive and am so mentally fucked up and its so hard for me to do literally anything#i cry at the most insignificant situations and im always on the verge of tears#i get overstimulated so easy i can't fucking do this
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I have this problem where I randomly experience loss in skills, and other times i'm a master at that same skill. this happens with drawing a lot for example. one day nothing works. i cant draw at all. lines don't make sense. shapes don't make sense. it's a mess that looks like my art from when I was 4. other times (rarely anymore tbh) everything makes perfect sense and I can draw easily and quickly and i'm very happy with how it comes out. this is why I can't pump out art weekly or even monthly. I hate it and don't know how to fix it 😅
#after talking with my therapist who is currently evaluating me for a dissociative disorder (did/osdd) apparently thats a common thing#and could be explained by that. if thats the case then i at least know i dont have to beat myself up over it and just accept it#but if thats not my issue then idk what is wrong with me and how to fix myself. its so frustrating to suddenly not be able to do things#lee rambles
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am i aware getting new things is okay and fine? yes. do i want to do it? no and im going to have several meltdowns about it instead.
#camera talks#not right now but i Feel crazy about it again and its not good.#i have to get a new comforter bc my current one is uhh quite literally falling apart and its not very good#(like its so so badly falling apart. the inside fluff is entirely exposed and its got a lot of holes </3#bad enough its rough to send through the washer and dryer :/)#but if i get a new one and its the wrong texture i will Freak so ive been putting off buying a new one#but i Also dont like using this one.. and i need to get a new backpack but this one has lasted me forever and like.#a new one will have to last me in college too tbh so i dont Want to get a new one#and i do this all the time. with like socks (i will only use 1 brand but it falls apart easily :/ and i refuse to try anything else#so i end up just buying a ton of socks instead of getting new and better ones for a long time)#and im over over thinking things and i need to read my book#someone kill me#god i need to stop posting. just anything in general i feel like i share too much#i need a therapist </33#also im going to go listen to the american bison and read my book probably#we'll see
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Guy who gets so distressed he straight up starts looking for a side therapist
#luly talks#MY CURRENT THERAPIST WOULDNT GET IT OR SHE WOULDNT BELIEVE ME ITD BE HUMILLATING#EVEN. God.#looking up the symptom list bc i was trying to find the spanish name of it its#literally what i kept telling her the mood swings and the depression. and she knows i have ptsd and dissociate#you guys have no clue how awful this feels its undescribable#i dont think the brain is built to process so many emotions but its happening on the back of my head i feel the#i have been feeling such specific head pains lately#rn on the back on the left usually i get these pains on the right on the front#its so overwhelming and i look so stoic bc i cannot react to something that i cannot...#that is not even mine but the line of mine and not mine its so blurry its genuinely scary#i feel the physical reactions i feel the stomach pain i feel my legs shaking i feel my throat tightening but i cannot react i cannot#reach a conclusion or tell something i cannot do jack shit about it#its awfullllll 💥💥💥💥💥💥
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sometimes i think about how early this year i was talking to a friend who has ocd about some mental brain things and she told me that what i was describing very much sounded like ocd (something that has been said to me many times by many different people) and then later that day i had a mild breakdown over the concept of potentially having ocd and was very very in denial about even maybe having it, but in retrospect that breakdown/meltdown whatever does not help my case
#im not self diagnosing and currently refuse to see a therapist#so we will never find out if i truly have ocd or not#however i sure have been showing signs of it#just another thing to add to the list of things i probably have#i also probably have adhd and by probably i mean i do i just dont have a diagnosis#but part of my autism diagnosis was a recommendation to get an adhd one and they said if they were allowed to they would've diagnosed me#fun times#i wish i had no disorders but sometimes you gotta face the reality that you definitely have disorders which ones nobody knows#except the autism everybody knows
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#i just wish someone would look at me and Know that im not doing well fjfkdl#struggling so hard to stop myself from taking self destructive action against myself bc boy howdy i just want to fuck myself up#and then maybe someone would look at me and go ''hey u dont look like ur doing so well - do u need anything?''#but thats never worked in the past and theres that whole thing of ''if u want help u need to ask for it''#unfortunately. asking doesnt seem to work very often. i seem to have to Show people somehow that im not okay. like prove it to them#both medical ppl and my family fjfkdl#so here i am again trying to stop myself from [redacted] bc I shouldnt have to prove to anyone that im not okay#honest to god idk who to even talk to about anything. like the workers at the centre are not counselors/therapists#and i dont have another counseling appt for three ish weeks so uhhh#but im kind of like... i need smth idk. i feel like im on the verge of some kind of really bad breakdown#i cannot keep going on the way i currently am - that much is clear.#but idk what can change really. other than getting the girl to give me space fjfkdl#but the bugs and the abuse and the exhaustion and the food will all continue to exist just the same#nothing can be done about any of that! RIP!#i think honestly i just want a good long hug fjdkdl im just so scared and tired fjfkdl and tired of being scared tbqh#oh well !!! i cannot want for what i cannot have! wants don't exist unless i can fulfill it myself easily! otherwise theyre not allowed!!!#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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There's like a lot of backstory I don't feel like explaining but atm I'm losing where I live bc my mom doesn't like my life choices (volunteering, dating bfr), and the only way I can afford to move out is to rent a room with a stranger (provided i find someone with no pets who will let me have my cat, bc Mimi is aggressive with other pets sadly) or find a place to rent with BFR. And like, it's objectively stupid to move in with each other this fast but my options are such shit right now that it's looking like I'm willing to make this objectively stupid decision! Thanks mom! Really great work valuing my choices and helping me stay in the safe, stable housing i've had for the past FIVE years. Christ.
#even my therapist thinks she's acting bananas#and was like 'dont get down on yourself youre just living your life you didnt do anything wrong'#it's genuinely puzzling#and came to a head yesterday so i really got get on this#but it'll be good to me to move to a part of town i like better#fingers crossed this isnt like the kiss of death for me and bfr#but if anything it'll be much less stress than the current living situation#it's amazing that my mom hates me dating so much but also does everything in her power to push me away#& put me in a position where i have no one to rely on but bfr#anyway!#we started looking at apartments and it's nice
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#the despair continues#all of the options available to me make me feel catatonic w depression and demotivation#i want to seek my rights within the uni department but i dont want to rock the boat too much#but like. i have to resort to begging and asking this that might seem ungrateful bc im unable to cope#be a mental health training department. create the perfect conditions for disadvantaged students to become more mentally ill#thanks guys! really in touch w the current state of the economy and your students' needs!! and w their mental wellbeing! good job#:))#meant to be finishing my diss and last couple of weeks in the uni house but im too sad to do anything properly#my parents are reassuring me that everythings fine and they will help me#im rly thankful to them ofc#but the fact that i will have to rely to heavily on their support when im gonna be WORKING FULL TIME#and the most ideal option for my mental health will be the most expensive option for myself and everyone in the family#so theres no winning. im fucked over either way#i cant even take this to a therapist bc the only thing that would help is financial assistance#i hope that the bursary ppl response and are sympathetic to my situation#og post#personal
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Dennis tries to give therapy a shot but due to ruining so many people's lives he is barred from every single therapist in philly.
#idk how therapy works but ive decided i dont#i feel like therapist have to put current paitents mental well-being over a new guy who just walk in#?
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have awoken from my slumber, still got a slight headache but feeling way better than before.
anyway I really need to get a job as soon as I can, getting new soles put on my boots is kinda pricey and I don't have the funds right now :/
#first therapist then concerts and other commitments and THEN i will rock the job market like no one else!!!#my current options are either local cinema or boutique salesperson#as long as i dont have to have a million conflicting tasks i'll be fine with customer service type dealios#i will be fine i just need to earn moolah so i can get a chance to get out of here
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I don't think I'm at a "Take me to the hospital" level of crisis, but I do think I'm getting there. However, I don't think I could ever willingly go to the emergency room again. I'm not sure what my options are.
#unless i am literally dying i don't think i would survive another ER trip. i cant do that again.#i dont currently have a therapist either and i hate phonecalls so hotlines are out.#every time i end up here my only option is the hospital and now i dont even have that so like. not sure what to do.#its not like i *want* to die. i just feel so awful. i dont even know why im feeling so awful. maybe i do want to die a little bit but like.#i know i shouldnt so why bother ya know? like its not worth it. but also it would fix me. is there a way to die but only a little bit.#ive been having nightmares again.#idk i guess if im like actually going to kill myself then I'll go to the hospital and get more medical trauma. why not.#until then i think I'll just lay in my bed and cry.#sorry for the awful post btw. this is my only social outlet.#batty bogging#text
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