#but if thats not my issue then idk what is wrong with me and how to fix myself. its so frustrating to suddenly not be able to do things
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HH/HB Server gets mad at me for making Pentious Tan
I wanted to share Non-Pale. Tan Pentious edit and got dogpiled almost immediately.
Color Coded so people can't complain FAKE FAKE FAKE. The server is not going to be named as it's a pretty big server filled with minors and if you know which server it is, DON'T say it.
People in there are children and I do NOT want anyone getting harassed, this is just another example of people assigning intent. The only party that's uncensored is me.
Color Codes !!
Blue - Discord Friend Yellow - Someone with common sense. Black - Don't like these people Magneta - Someone not involved. Purple - Actual On Duty Mod. Light Green - Unsure if they are on my side or what Red - Person who said something uncomfortable to me.
I sent the render after completing it and using a BG Removal AI Tool to make it a render for my new wallpaper as I am taking Pentious and using him as my own.
People began to point out the "issue"
ID: Sir Pentious PFP with a trans masc flag on the outer ring named "Saint Pentious's Wife" with a small emoji of Vox and a leaf on discord next to it posted Today at 5:57 AM with the caption of "Is this render okay?" attached is a Sir Pentious image but of human and he's completely tanned.
Black #1 replied "He's a lot paler than that" and blue replies to black #1 with "mhh"
Saint Pentious's Wife forwards a earlier message from Purple stating "It's their headcanon" Black #1 said "Well if it's your head cannon that it's a good render then there you go"
Black #2 responds with an image definition of Headcanon which is:
Headcanon is a word used in film/television/comics/etc. fandom that refers to something a fan imagines about the characters (such as a scenario or relationship) but that doesn't appear on screen/on the page.
End ID
After I posted the image more people started being "jokey" which is impossible to tell and most of these people see others using tone tags. They were trying to make me feel bad about what I did. Labeling as racism and the such. I highlighted a few points that stand out.
ID: Saint Repentious's Wife was responding to Black #2 asking about what they should color Adam. "Yes"
Black #2 proceeded to send "?" as a response.
Another person, Black #3 responded to the intial post with a caption reading "Bro blackwashed him" and attached is the original concept of Sir Pentious.
I respond with something logical: "Why are Y'all being weird about it, I just made him tan. He's tan."
Black #3 responded. "But he's pale" and responded in regards to Alastor. "I also noticed that Alastor is still black in his demon form."
I responded. "You think all Londions are pale?"
Black #3 responds to Black #2 "With Adam's colors."
I proceeded to send:
"Thats kinda oddly weird. Like, why do you care what I do, it's not like he's being erased fully. He's still white but tan. Accusing me of racism is wildly crazy and makes me uncomfortable. Please stop it."
END ID.
I sent an image of the color wheel to showcase how pale he is. People still doesn't care.
ID: I sent a image of a hex code website with the hex code being displayed as #EFDFD8 and a caption reading: "This is where he is on the Color Wheel"
Black #??? responded: "He was white though"
I responded: "Why is everyone questioning people on redesigns?"
Red chimes in: "idk whats wrong with being pale"
I responded: "He's from London, not all Londonians are PALE."
Black #??? responded to Red: "Racism." With a blue shocked emoji.
I responded once again: "Nearly all of Viv's Characters are Pale. Imagine saying someone's racist just for making a character slightly tan thats crazy"
END ID
A little info on Red, they have numerous times made me uncomfortable, even after I told them to stop, they did not make the effort to apologize or even backtrack, even with Black #4 not taking it seriously. One of the rules in the server is not to make anyone uncomfortable specifically in regards to questions but also had a rule to be nice to everyone.
Red responds to a Vox PFP (Offscreen) with the caption "OVER FIVE YEARS?"
I responded to the conversation: "I fw Pilot Husk's design. I was a fan since the Pilot ages (Al's design more specifically.)" Beforehand Red also tried to make me feel weird for selfshipping with Husk by saying "He's a cat bro." yeah, and? People simp for Loona the same.
Black #4 responded to my uncomfortableness to Red with a skull emoji.
I responded: ":/ What? Personal trigger of mine, is that wrong of me to wish for people to not say that?"
Red once again doesn't take it seriously and tries to paint it as a light ribbing by saying: "it was sarcasm lil bro do u think im a perv or sum."
I responded: "Please don't call me Lil Bro, also, I dont understand tones. You're talking to someone who has Autism."
Red says: "sorry ma am" which isn't sincere in my eyes.
I correct them "*sir."
Red responds: "what.."
END ID
I clarified to Red on my correction and they were confused because of my name, when my pfp states my pronouns which were Ze/Zir/It/Its which should atleast give them the idea that I wasn't a ma'am.
ID: I responded to Red saying "I'm saying I'm a male? Not ma'am."
Red responded: "but but you ur display name nvm"
I responded: "Malwife doesn't fit" with a sobbing emoji after this.
END ID
I responded to Red on them calling me Lil Bro, as I am a full 20 years old, I don't care if its slang but I don't know you and if you call me Lil Bro, Sis, Hun then fuck off. I told them MULTIPLE times now, and they refused to, once again this server mentions you to NOT make people uncomfortable. This is where they made a "Joke" to my hard drive which has files of my Artwork and DBZ stuff. I'm a CSA survivor. You SHOULDN'T make those kinds of jokes to ANYONE especially IF they just joined the server.
ID: I responded to an offscreen ask by Red: "Sadly gtg trying to recover my corrupted hard drive with my DBZ stuff"
Red went out of left field with this "joke" which they could have NOT said: "ok dont drop the soap"
I responded: "Dont say that please."
Red didn't apologize but said: "ok."
END ID
This is the last image, basically, this STILL became an issue. Mod didn't try and scroll up. And I don't even care. Here's the final fuckfest that made me consider actually killing myself from the stress.
ID: Black #??? replies to me in regards to my offense on the term racism being thrown around as: "I was kidding bru don't take it personally"
Mod responds to my londons not being pale comment with: "in the 1800s before immigration was a thing (THIS ISN'T BEING RACIST) they would have all been really white"
I responded: "Yeah, I really wanted to make him tan"
Green chimed in: "There's a difference between Brown and grey"
Yellow responded: "It's just a headcanon stop being weird"
Mod responded to my tan comment: "Yeah that's fine like ur headcanon do what u want i was just saying information about 1800s uk."
Yellow comments on the double standards: "People in the 1800s also didn't know how to build laver death machines but y'all draw the line at a bit of Melanin."
Magneta replies to my earlier question about how they separates vocals: "weights al has a feature where it splits the vocals and music"
I responded: "I dunno man, people keep on jumping on people who does this, and it makes me anxious I am just doing something fun. I'm sorry for making a character slightly darker But a lot of people here have oddly said some really weird things to me like the whole "hope you don't drop the soap" I shouldn't have to say why that makes me uncomfortable due to personal reasons."
Mod replies to Yellow in regards to their excellent point: "Tesia was close enough"
Then Mod responded to me: "Ur drawings fine ignore people saying that"
END ID
I am aware that these people might be minors, but like WHAT THE FUCK? No ONE is this level of pale, I mean it's POSSIBLE but like NOT to the level of Sir Pentious. Also, if someone tells you to stop you do it, you don't continue with a joke.
This is literally making me want to kill myself. I like to thank Blue and Yellow for trying atleast. Sir Pentious was more Tan, he wasn't black or anything he was just more tan. It makes more sense then pale sheet white as snow template base that the fandom designs have.
I just am going thru alot so if I don't respond I did it.
I'm sorry.
(If I am still here, that means I apssed out, I am too depressed, peroiod ridden and sleep deprived.)
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i never understand how ppl gauge their own pain tolerances like how wld u even know
#talkys#anyway im blinking thru a lot of painnnnn rn maybe the surgery is Good bc im hoping theyll find and fix smthng wronf with me#bc otherwise nobody has been able to tell me whats wrong wit me lolllll#when i had my ear infection it was the worst pain of my life and i just grit my teeth thru it#i always tell ppl i cried but i will admit that was just a lie bc i didnt and thats why my family was unsympathetic to it#while i had to wait 2.5 days to be able to see a doctor#but its like idk. how do u know ! maybe theres worse pain and this/that was nothing ykwim...like how do u know#snyway its like my body heard im having surgery and decided to turn up all the issues to 11 in the meantime
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more headmates, you never would've guessed it.
#simblr#the sims 4#ts4#create a sim#ts4 cas#cas err#err#sym 275#sym felix (he)#(( felix 📓 he ))#idk what's wrong with [redacted]'s floating eye cc but no matter what i did it left that little black strip near its cheek#we want to edit it to remove the eyelashes anyway but thats a future-us problem#also we want to edit it so it doesnt do that like#flicker/glow thing because it made me get a headache but again. future problem#also my hair cc has random bald patches for some reason so i need to reinstall it to see if the op fixed it or... figure out how to edit#and the wings we use for [redacted] need to not have so much transparency so it can match our ''style'' or whatever#these are all non-issues though and im just rambling about it at this point rip#shoutout to the vamp dlc having so much white and gold clothes though it really carried [redacted]'s outfit
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im going into my new work tomorrow, first time ever😐
#i was supposed to go in yesterday but um#so basically i did whatever training i was never even aware existed on a platform i was never told of#which has progress for every lil step i do so my manager literally could see i hadnt even logged on n couldve warned me any time#but never did 4 some reason. like even a days notice like heyyy have u gotta blah done n not as im abt to exit to work#BUT ANYWAYS so i tell her i got it done n shes like awesome i make new schedule (since she said we have 2 completely rid the old one#i dont get an update until 4 days later. all she did was add THREE training days (im supposed to have 6 cus it's a hard job)#on TOP of my old schedule. so i have 3 days i know are training days and then a solo day bcs that solo day was going off my old schedule#so it's like. which days do i go on then. bcs u said i cant come in at all bcs we'll have to make a completely new schedule#and then the new schedule is just. 3 added days. on top of my old one#sunday i was scheduled for training & there was No trainer scheduled with me. it was just me#sunday wasnt one of the 3 new days added. it was from the old schedule she literally told me to ignore#n then all a sudden today i get an email from someone who was supposed to be training me (name not even on the schedule tho)#n shes like hey im in the building are u lost or smthing :)?' mind u im asleep . so she probably thot she was wasting her time for a good hr#i emailed her an apology n an explanation but UGH r u fucking serious?? IF I KNEW THAT WAS A (NEW) TRAINING DAY I WOULDVE WENT#I JUST WANT TO GET USED TO THIS NEW THING & IT'S JUST GETTING FUCKED LIKE I DONT EVEN HAVE A BADGE YET BRO#like i was suspicious of going in sunday bcs it wouldve lined up nicely with the 3 added training days#but manager TOLD me she was adding a whole new training schedule! i double check n all she added were THREE days! thats it!#how was *i* supposed to know sunday was supposed to be 1 of those days when ive been staying at home ignoring the schedule u said 2#BCS U SAID 2. AND ALSO. THERE WAS NO TRAINER ON THE SCHEDULE.#even tho the drive is far. i wouldve driven up there today to see if i could shadow if i had known there was someone to shadow there#bcs even if i was wrong abt the day 2 come in at least i wouldnt waste my time but i didnt even know if there was someone there with a#trainer title. so i just missed a day i didnt even know i rlly had. FOR NOTHING. UGHH. I FEEL SO STUPID. I HATE MISCOMMUNICATION#im so scared of coming in now. sverybodys gonna think im dum n what if i have issues training then theyre gonna be like#we spent all this time on bro n he had all this time 2 prepare n he still sucks like damn we should just give up#i would 2 but i hate not seeing things to completion so. ugh. hate it here. idk what 2 say. EMBARRASSING#i hate miscommunications i hate feeling stupid
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time to play a game of "should I go to the doctor's or is my body just being extra silly"
#if anyone with actual confirmed chronic/on-and-off illness (especially anemic ppl) could tell me at what point hospital is a good idea??#because it's bearable#im functioning i guess#but not all that well#and i cant tell if my depression is just having extra intense physical symptoms#or if i have something actually wrong with my body#or did my lack of caring for myself due to depression just push me into a minor basic sickness??#but i have had some issues with low iron and stuff on and off in childhood that was confirmed by a doctor#and this feels kind of similar but worse#so thats why im leaning towards possibly being anemic#anemia#anemic#chronic illness#idk how to tag this im so sorry im just looking for input form people that might know what theyre talking about
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what is it with the aro community basically reinventing amatornomativity but including (some of) us this time. acting like QPRs are the solution to your problems and obviously theyre more meaningful and important than friendships and what do you mean you don't want a platonic life partner? well if you're "just friends" they're gonna leave you for their romantic relationship eventually — no, no, you can't mean that, "best friend" is either just the same thing as a QPR or not good enough to stay in your life forever. you don't like how you probably won't ever be able to have kids because who's going to let a single trans man adopt a child, and even if they did how would you support them, and no for the last time i don't want to marry anyone even platonically. i do not want a partner ever. ever.
but don't you know that all of us hate amatonormativity? but we're fine with it when we're included. oh and don't you know aros can date too? did you know? did you know you can date too?
you have problems? society isn't structured for you? you have to learn to navigate socially and legally in a world that's built for couples and that's a very distressing experience and you're invisible if you don't loudly proclaim your aromanticism after every room you walk in — but we're gonna keep arguing about shipping. what do you mean you have more problems than people being stupid in fandom? what, is the one aroace character who got "confirmed" off-screen and never mentioned outside of that at all not good enough for you? that doesn't actually change anything for you societally?
but you surely want a QPR. it's totally not just us forcing some watered-down romance on you after you said you didn't want it (but did you know aros can date too? surely you didn't forget that. aros can still love and we hate that you're implying they can't). all of your problems with society hating you for your singleness and aro-ness would be solved if you just got a partner — no, a platonic one, why would you assume otherwise? this is nothing like telling a gay man to just suck it up and marry a woman. see, that would be homophobic, but you? didn't you know that aros can still date?
#aromantic#aro#amatonormativity#sorry this is very much a rant bc tbh i don't really know how to word it in a way that isn't one#idk its just a very isolating experience being aro when its so hard to find other people who are too#(you can't just casually drop a ''my boyfriend'' the way you would if you were gay)#and even the people i do know irl are a lot closer to the alloro side of the aro spectrum than me#or more amenable to platonic partners or qprs or whatever#idk i hope this doesnt come off like I'm hating on the aro people who do want to date or have any kind of partnership#thats not what I'm saying and i hope thatd be clear but you can never be sure#just wish there was more (or‚ yk‚ any at all) political advocacy for aromantic issues#like the societal structures that benefit couples thing i mentioned. let it be possible to have a family as a single parent#that would help me obv but also other people who are just divorced or widowed too#maybe I'm looking in the wrong places to find that sort of thing#but you can find asexual advocacy groups and stuff#working for their political issues#and obv theres tons of groups for gay and trans people#i just havent been able to find anybody doing anything similar for aromantic people#o.
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OKAY RANT ON VIVZIEPOP SCROLL PAST IF YOU DONT CARE
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I like Viv as an artist, shes inspired me since frickin middleschool with her animations, character designs, and now 2 shows holy crap. I just really wish she'd get off social media for her own mental health cuz good god it's not great to see a whole thread of tweets arguing with someone about the dislike of fanfiction having homophobic undertones its just... agdhdh Viv is a pretty controversial person due to unfortunate past events and having shows that present some darker subject matter. Honestly? I want to see Viv not just move past the previous controversy, but learn from it to be better. Its totally fair tho if you think the handling of certain topics arent done well, there are things people will have preference over. And I dont give a fuck about shipping, I dont wanna see it, frankly. If you're doin somethin shady with it and I see it I'm certainly not going to like it and I'll do my best to not interact with you, but I think we should make tagging things just a common thing? Keeps things organized and people can intake what they want while the stuff they dont want is not being shown to them. Same goes with headcanons they're someone imagining something, they arent holding the creators hostage to make it canon. Canon is silly anyways! Both the OG and a headcanon can exist because AUs and headcanons are just another version of the thing. Headcanons arent going to change the episodes, they'll still be the same way the creators made it. So like... chill.
Just as long as it has no mental or physical negative implications or intent against actual living people I will add.
Dont harrass actors because they play a villian you need to separate fiction and reality it's literally their job to pretend to be someone else.
#vivziepop#vivzipop critical#hazbin hotel#helluva boss#it sucks to see someone i looked up to seemingly keep stirring the controversy pot#the shows arent for everyone#things arent always going to be appealing to everyone and thats ok#i think viv needs to let go the fact some people do not like her or her shows instead of fighting people for a whole thread#im embarrassed to say im a fan of these shows???#and dont get me wrong i think they kinda suck sometimes and the writing inconsistancy makes me so so frustrated#but there are a few moments where i really feel connected to their struggles#loneliness and a fear of rejection are something i empathize with a lot#im frustrated because of what these shows COULD be#and how happy it makes me to see these shows be enjoyed so much because tbh everything about it is full of things we are told#is bad and weird and cringe and something real proffesionals would never respect#and they made it! it lets me know if im passionate enough people like me can do what we love and still be successful#i hope for many other passion projects from artists in the future who may be inspired by not just Vivzie but the tons of indie stuff out rn#crowmancerx#idk just a rant#i do want to lay out at some point my many issues with the writing of Vivz's shows but ill holdoff on big rants for a bit#agsudvdhdb#its been a rough day at school
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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I hate when my phone won't let me have 2 audio sources running at the same time (depending on the app). I know what I'm doing, let me hear the discordant noises. My brain has built-in audio separation for music. It came as compensation for auditory processing issues. Don't make me pause the music.
#i also go absolutely fucking feral when my phone lowers the audio to play a notification sound#I CAN SEPARATE THE AUDIO. I CANT UNDERSTAND THE VIDEO IM WATCHING IF THE VOLUME SUDDENLY GOES TO ...#... 1% TO PLAY MY NOTIFICATION SOUND#wish i could turn that off more than the 2 audio sources one but i already tried researching how and its not possible with my means#i want to hear the notification sound but not at the cost of understanding what was just said on a video#especially if my hands are covered in paint and i cant rewind it#like i said. audio processing. often cant understand whats said under normal circumstances#suddenly lowering the volume makes it worse than having the notif and video play simultaneously#same with music and a video going. i dont wanna stop the vibe to play a video/short video/moment of video to bookmark the link#its not a phone ability issue bc i can play music while my battery-draining phone game plays!!#((usually dont tho bc i like the game music but if im playing while walking i need other music on even if its discordant))#((sometimes its not discordant which is fun))#oh correction before i post: i can usually understand whats said by understanding the other words spoken and mentally filling in the blanks#...for the words i missed. but when the audio goes to like 1% for a full like 5 seconds i miss an entire convo worth of audio#...on top of being pissed ab the audio being lowered for something easily filtered like a little 1 second chime#its hard enough to focus on what words people are speaking even face to face in person#im tired idk where im going w this now#ShitPost.exe#Cori.exe#seriously tho i love putting a song on repeat for hours and doing whatever. if i pause it its like. idk#in the middle of a shower. ur phone holds u at gunpoint to step out and take a shot of ketchup while u still got soap in ur eyes#then once u shoot the ketchup u can go back to showering and ur phone loses its ability to hold u at gunpoint.#like. i may not historically be opposed to a shot of ketchup for the meemz...#...but i dont want my shower interrupted at gunpoint by my phone to make me shoot ketchup...#...and then have to finish the shower with the taste of ketchup still lingering.#im tired i promise im not high thats just the best analogy for how wrong it feels to have to stop the music vibe thats been going for hours#man these tags went on longer than the post deserved and now im too tired to read what i wanted lmao#prob doesn't even make sense goOD NIGHT#delete later / /#((future cori can be the judge of that present cori is too tire))
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I have this problem where I randomly experience loss in skills, and other times i'm a master at that same skill. this happens with drawing a lot for example. one day nothing works. i cant draw at all. lines don't make sense. shapes don't make sense. it's a mess that looks like my art from when I was 4. other times (rarely anymore tbh) everything makes perfect sense and I can draw easily and quickly and i'm very happy with how it comes out. this is why I can't pump out art weekly or even monthly. I hate it and don't know how to fix it 😅
#after talking with my therapist who is currently evaluating me for a dissociative disorder (did/osdd) apparently thats a common thing#and could be explained by that. if thats the case then i at least know i dont have to beat myself up over it and just accept it#but if thats not my issue then idk what is wrong with me and how to fix myself. its so frustrating to suddenly not be able to do things#lee rambles
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in my dsmp canon cdream is like close in age to cwilbur, just slightly younger, so just keep that in mind lol
#dream smp#dsmp#ik i tend to talk a lot in the tags when i could just post all my thoughts in the regular post but i feel like that clogs it#fundy was born when wilbur was 20. my timeline makes no sense so forgive me. fundy is 8 when wilbur is 28. when fundy is 14 wilbur is 34#and thats when nov 16th happens imo. thats when the final battle of pogtopia v manburg happens and thats when wilbur dies.#ignore my tommy design concept sketch's age info (i literally just wasnt sure what to put. at this time tommy would be like 21 not 18)#all of this to say dream is like 29 when wilbur dies#things change its possible i'll just switch stuff around so that the ages arent so crazy but idk i like keeping it somewhat realistic#also fundy needs to be 14 by the time wilbur dies bc ghostbur remembers him being 14. and i am. stuck on my own rules ive made up in my hea#as for the fundy/dream engagement.. fundy was always more into it than dream was. like cc wise. he always brought up ''i have a husband''#and stuff like that even though there wasnt an actual wedding yet. and even tubbo asks (in character) how it feels being engaged to dream#even though theyre fighting on opposite sides of the war. ANYWAY anyway.. in my dsmo canon cfundy initiates the ''romance'' and instead of#yk.. not giving a kid the time of day. cdream allows it. and its all a war tactic or whatever. hes not actually interested in fundy but#it'll rile up fundy's dad. and it'll cause a rift between fundy and all his friends on the other side of the war.#meanwhile fundy is completely lovestruck and doesnt understand that 1. this is wrong and 2. hes being led on :(#definitely adds to his issues with feeling unloved and unwanted in the future but shhh we dont need to talk about that
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LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND
#mine#🎸#vibrating at immense speeds rn ajskwkfllflwncf the MOST THE MOST ever#the only thing in your mind i need to be the BEST the most loved augh im not doing anything wrong but its still not ENOUGH#why cant i be satisfied. but at the same time LOVE ME MORE AND MORE AND MORE UNTIL LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE EXISTS#i need to add more fuel to the fire of our love but i dont know what to do exactly... clearly mentioning the issue didnt work#idk i literally want him to kill me or something i need to be consumed by love. ah all of our mutual friends are quickly going to#learn how fucking mentally ill i can get. im not ready for them to but if hes telling them these things then theyre gonna KNOW#love me more more more i thought you used to be scared of how much you loved me. obsess over me again!!!!!!#if im not the one doing anything wrong what is the problem. what is preventing you from loving me the most you possibly can!!!#if its something with me I'll just kill that part of me. ugh he wouldnt want me partaking in unhealthy thoughts like this#so what is there to do? i need to drown in the grain silo of love. there isnt enough to drown in rn though... i cant just#make him love me more. an evil oriented solution would be to make everyone hate him so he just loves me but thats a horrible thing to do#and id feel bad about it forever. so im not gonna do THAT i want him to be happy. but even when hes happy he isnt loving me intensely#i need to be desired i need to be ripped open like a phone book –_–#everyone is learning how insane abt him i am and its kind of embarrassing. well my feelings i guess. it is embarrassing to have feelings#if this whole situation was an asmr youd be listening to it willingly. but its NOT arent you supposed to like me like this#im overthinking this hes probably just depressed which is making it difficult to be insane
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the latest aita is making me sad. the teeth one. because like... when i was a kid, i was told to have braces! and that i'd need an eventual surgery! and because i didn't want to, my parents didn't make me.
that surgery would've changed my life. i'm not fucking kidding. i'm pretty sure 75% of my physical disabilities stem from not getting that surgery. and by the time i was able to bring up trying to have corrective work again, i was two years from losing my insurance, and my parents procrastinated. now it seems like a pipe dream it'll ever happen.
i get being resentful of your parents forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but god damn, if mine had actually really pushed me into getting braces, my life would be so much different and so much better.
#riot.txt#personal#vent#sorry i'm just. really emotional and maybe a lil triggered#bc SO MUCH of my physical and mental health problems can be stemmed to my jaw#and my teeth.#bc i didn't get that surgery i can't swallow easily. i can't take medication i severely need. my back and neck are bent in ways i can't und#due to lack of breathing. i can't sit up straight bc i can't breathe and that's caused so much damage to me!#if they'd have pushed me into caring for my teeth and my body it would've saved me SO much heartache and pain. i'll have no way of knowing#how different life would be#but i know for a FACT i wouldn't have certain issues i have now... i'd be on mental health medication i wouldn't have chronic pain i'd be#able to function in society without feeling like a burden who'll never be able to get on social security#idk im jst... PLEASE iff you have the chance to have orthopedic work done - DO IT.#if your PARENTS are going to be footing the bill and have good insurance i PROMISE thats a fucking blessing#bc i can't work anymore and the surgery i need that might fix a lot of my life is in the tens of thousands without insurance that i cant bu#anyways sorry to ramble n trauma dump but its my blog and if ANYONE sees this and it helps them or convinces them to get work done while#they can then. idk. feels worth it to be vulnerable :'3#EDIT: also like... if they'd forced me sure i'd be resentful#but ykw i am rn? even more resentful for the intense medical neglect that stemmed from 'well he doesn't want to so lets not make him'#most kids don't want to go to the doctor. maybe if they'd taken me regularily to a fucking doctor i'd have more answers for what's wrong wm#like... god i'd have hated braces then bc ofc i would i was a kid#but i hate even more now knowing just how fucking NEGLECTED i was as a kid bc they let me make my own choices by going the hands off approa#iunno. anyways. nah on that aita. you're allowed to be upset and resent him for it but GOD he is not an asshole for caring about you#'your body your choice' does not apply here at all. i'm so sorry to tell u this. fdkgfdhgkjdgd#EDIT 2: didn't even MENTION the fact i have dehibilitating chronic migraines and headache that i suspect are directly tied to my poor denta#health!! LIKE. AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE DAY#SOMETIMES (OFTEN) MUTLIPLE TIMES A WEEK.#i only JST NOW got access to medicatio to help w it and i CAN'T. SWALLOW. THE MEDICATION THAT PREVENTS THE MIGRAINE FROM GETTING WORSE#I CAN ONLY SWALLOW THE DAILY MED... BC ITS _SO FUCKING TINY_.#aahghghfgdfhgdfjd -puts face in hands-
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Based on how ppl reacted/are reacting to the Straight Boyz map thing, oh boy, don't look up 2010-2015 wc ship art. Cats making out was all over the place lol. Just look up any old ashfur x scourge vid.
#dont get me wrong how the host handled it was completely childish and the squilf fur shit is weird#and it should def be age restricted#but ppl are getting mad at kissing? and calling it zooporn?? lmao what?#literally look at the supernatural map. Thats still a beloved map across the fandom and there so much cat kissing#idk mybe im just old#back then ppl werent breathing down eachothers necks over cats cuddling#cant believe im talking about warrior cats on my main ew#honestly the main issue is the song choice. if it was dif nobody would care lol#coyote barks
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haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh
#not just in y6 but like all the time#dont get me wrong i LOVE them and i love them being sweet and happy and i love kiryu being a good dad ok#but kiryu is uh. not always the best. in ways that i think she should be upset about#and i think the canon narrative doesnt rlly wanna address that bc kiryu is trying so hard and that effort must be forgiven#and for a happy ending to occur the family must be reunited#and i get that but like. haruka's side of the story is often ignored completely#or else boils down to unconditional daughter love in ways that are supposed to be admirable#and again. i love these two dearly. i love them very very much. but i think that tension should be explored#their relationship would be Very Complex and i think it would be Messy tbh. not like screaming fighting per se but i think haruka should be#allowed some moments of Uncle Kaz Im Sick Of Your Shit type stuff#im not even sure why i feel this way specifically bc i know i used to have reasons for it but like. yeah#even if you dont think haruka's justified or that she's missing some details/perspective or whatever i think she should be hurt and upset#about some of The Bullshit. baby girl needs therapy she needs some support and sometimes kiryu just. idk.#anyway go listen to welly boots by the amazing devil. thats basically my thesis statement#look maybe I'm just projecting my own daddy issues or whatever idk. maybe more people should do that with them like. shit#I'll do it someday I'll make that content i swear#sorry thinkjng about the unconditional daughter love again. she's kind of an ideal. she's a fantasy sometimes of a daughter figure who will#always understand how hard you're trying and be cute and love you no matter what. does that make sense??? and it's like. like i almost feel#bad for knocking that bc i get parents are under a lot of stress but i think she should have that power and that agency to be upset with#him. idk if im making sense. she's reduced to the Ideal Daughter and i want her to be loving and kind but with some moments of bitterness
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does anyone else feel like whenever they make art out of their own experiences theyre just lying
#sorry im in a weird mood after todays crit#the prof was like wow i feel like im seeing the world thru ur eyes this must have been so vulnerable for you to make...#really gives you perspective of what some people go through every day.....#but i was just sitting ther elike. it feels like im exploiting myself playing up aspects of my own 'pain' like theyre some unique thing#but instead of bringing out any shared experience or universal truth im just getting on a stage and yelling woe is me...#hm maybe its just the specific medium of long form video thats fucking me up im only made to express myself in still images :/#or maybe this is a deeper issue and i just have no fucking idea who i am and im completely unable to introspect and empathize with others#like the scale that people use to measure our experiences with other peoples is just broken for me#hold up is this why therapy never worked for me. people putting emotions into words never connects so thats why i can never talk abt them#idk i feel like the whole reason i do art is to share how i feel without all the pesky fucking language but critiques just shatter that#and i realize how stupid and pointless it actually was because there were words for that hte whole time.#and im using the wrong words and the wrong images and im just a fucking idiot who cant read a room#anyways. i should delete this later. and probably go back to therapy.#angel.txt
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