#if your PARENTS are going to be footing the bill and have good insurance i PROMISE thats a fucking blessing

[skyteglad]

the latest aita is making me sad. the teeth one. because like... when i was a kid, i was told to have braces! and that i'd need an eventual surgery! and because i didn't want to, my parents didn't make me.

that surgery would've changed my life. i'm not fucking kidding. i'm pretty sure 75% of my physical disabilities stem from not getting that surgery. and by the time i was able to bring up trying to have corrective work again, i was two years from losing my insurance, and my parents procrastinated. now it seems like a pipe dream it'll ever happen.

i get being resentful of your parents forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but god damn, if mine had actually really pushed me into getting braces, my life would be so much different and so much better.

[stranger-rants]

I feel like the common argument that no one was making Billy stay there and that if Neil was so horrible, he should have just left... feels so familiar. Like, whoever uses that excuse "just leave" to solve an abusive situation must have been so lucky because anyone who has been there knows it's never that easy or safe when someone has that much control over you. Aside from the threat of violence, there's also emotional manipulation that abusers use to make you think you won't know what to do with yourself or survive without them, or financial abuse that could be at play, or a lack of a safe place or person to go once you do leave that sometimes you stay just for that security. All of which could apply to Billy's case.

Billy was isolated by being taken to Hawkins, anyone he could go to that was safe is now entire states away, and he keeps almost everyone else there in Indiana at arm's length. Who would believe him even if he did say anything? Big, tough troublemaker Billy Hargrove being abused by his respectable, seemingly perfectly adjusted father? I also doubt most of his things in that house is actually his and his alone. Neil probably uses the same excuse my dad did even if it did come from my own money: it's under my house, I pay the bills and keep you fed, therfore it's mine. Any money, he had stashed away, he probably had to get really good at hiding. If he were to just run, he'd have to leave the Camaro since it probably has his dad's name on it and he could report it stolen, and you can't go too far on foot unless you're determined (which Billy is, but you get the point). Even if he were to "just leave," it'd be hard for him and take a while to get the resources to do so.

People don’t think about it logistically, and leaving shouldn’t be the point. Survivors shouldn’t have to leave what they have behind in order to be safe, but that’s the only option many are given. We don’t have easy and safe solutions for survivors, which upsets people. Instead of acknowledging this, to relieve their upset people blame survivors for not leaving. This ignores the fact that abusers often control most if not all of their resources.

Billy is a teenage dependent. He may earn his own money, but that money could easily be taken as “rent” as soon as he turns 18. That hinders his ability to leave. Try getting an apartment as a teenager who has never rented before. Try getting a car for the first time without a co-signer. Try getting off of your parent’s health insurance with a well paying job that provides it as a teenager. Try going anywhere safely as a teenager. The world is not friendly to the independence of young people.

There’s no way Billy could logically safely leave without some sort of assistance or intervention on his behalf. If he could, he would have never moved to Hawkins in the first place.

[ertrunkenerwassergeist]

Out of curiosity what is Deep City’s culture like?

Sorry for the long wait!

This got quite long XD And it isn’t even all I have, but I decided to stop before I had a 3k ramble at my hands people most likely won’t slog through. If any of you have any more specific questions I’d be happy to answer them!

.

.

For all that they are living in hiding, the citizens of Deep City are actually a pretty loud, colourful and dramatic bunch. They are a tight knit community where everybody knows everybody (or at least know someone who know someone, and so on and so on) and Noctis’ clinic is one of the social intersections.

(I can’t really write it because there are alreay so many OCs and other stuff happening to keep track of, but people don’t only go there to get treatment, but also for a hot meal, if they can’t procure one otherwise, and to gossip.)

Money as a currency fell out of favour quite early on. Favours and material goods are used as objects of trade instead. Most people not part of the Shadow Market have a ‘you pay what you can’ policy going on. The Shadow Market itself is a bit different.

Originally it was formed by merchants who would go out and buy stuff from outside Deep City and then sell it there. But the more secluded the Deep City people became, the less often those merchants ventured out. Instead they resorted to working together with the Insomnian black market (and theft), which is how it functions today. It became its own social construct within a social construct, with a leader and a police (sort of). Merchants who sell their wares there need to pay a fee for a stall.

Overall the society of Deep City is organized in castes, which function more like historical guilds than anything else. The Shadow Market is its own caste. Then there is one for farmers, for metal workers (the people of the Heap), one for public offices (which include priests, healers, teachers, nurses, any and all admin work, etc.), one for the people living in the old aqueducts, since they mainly trade in water, and one for builders (which include masonry, construction workers and most other heavy manual labour).

Creating a new caste is kind of a Big Deal, so new jobs get folded into existing ones most of the time. Because of this the castes have sub-divisions, so to speak, for the specific kinds of work. There is movement between the castes. If you change jobs, you change your caste, though it doesn’t happen very often.

As to what a caste acutally does: Well, they are a form of insurance. They make sure agreements are kept, that you have a roof over your head and enough to eat, they help footing medical bills and help taking care of family members should a person die. They also are part of ones retirement arrangement.

All offices needed to keep a caste running are elected, and they do that like the Senate in Ancient Rome. There are speaches for and against people that are put forth for elections (or put themselves forth), which can never last longer than 5mins.

Those six castes I named above? They are the biggest and most influential ones and form the Small Circle that is basically the government of Deep City. There’s a Big Circle as well, which encompasses all the castes, but the Small Circle is the fast response to crises.

Historically, Deep City was created during the Second Cultural Reformation under the 79th King of Lucis. (Who I named Lucius the Preserver.) The First Reformation already created a rift in the people, since it reinterpreted the Cosmogony in significant ways and discarded whole passages entirely.

The Second Reformation was essentially Bahamut putting his foot down. All temples but the big one for all six Astrals and the one for Bahamut were closed, books were burned, the Cosmogony was revised even more, the rank of the Senator was abolished as well as many old traditions. And to make sure it all stuck, the non-conformists were hunted down and killed.

So all who could, went to ground. Literally. Traditions transformed to fit the new circumstances, but the important part to the people was, that they kept them. They still burn all their dead, they still believe water is the medium through which a soul travels, they still know someone ferries the souls of the dead into the Beyond, even if they forgot who.

Most children generally learn how to read with the older versions of the Cosmogony, though there is no compulsory education, so it is not too uncommon to meet someone who is functionally illiterate. (Don’t know if it came through, but Fodio Lapis is in fact illiterate. He can read construction plans, but that’s it. But he’s amazing at math because of his job.)

So yeah, school is optional and many kids are homeschooled by their parents, relatives and/or a family friend. Kids are old enough to begin an apprenticeship at 13 and most get into the jobs their parents have, but not always.

Deep City also has a large slew of titles everybody has, that signify their standing in society. They are used when people are formal with each other and in official capacity. It’s considered a huge insult to call someone by the wrong title. So when you introduce yourself to someone new, you always use your title. (Yes, Cor unintentionally insulted Hiemi by calling her ‘Lady’ and not ‘Dame’, which is the title of a married working woman, who is also the female head of the family and/or has a business with employees.)

Fashion wise Deep City is a really mixed bag. Technically trousers are a practical thing for work and not worn anywhere else. But then you have the few people like Noctis who came to Deep City later and don’t really prescripe to the wearing tunics and togas thing.

Quite a large portion of their fashion is handmade from cloth or reworked second hand stuff from the upper parts of Insomnia. There’s this one silk maker in Deep City, who managed to make himself very wealthy.

Language wise it’s a bit chaotic. Technically Sol is the language in which they write down official documents, but it is rarely, if ever, spoken. What they speak is not quite its own language but also not quite a dialect of Lucian. Its this weird thing in between, but people from upper Insomnia wouldn’t understand someone going full tilt. The people living in the old aqueducts actually have their own language because they mostly keep to themselves. Other than that people are pretty much on a sliding scale on how much ‘proper’ Lucian they speak. Hiemi is actually very good at it from her people’s point of view.

[lawandorderimagines]

Dickie’s Girlfriend

TW: RAPE MENTION (TEACHER/STUDENT POWER DYMANIC), HOSPITAL

On a cold Monday morning in March when she was supposed to be in second period AP Biology, fifteen year old Isabella St. John rode up in the elevator to the 16th precinct of the New York Police Department, her backpack on her shoulders and her pink dance bag clutched tightly in her hand. Bella had never skipped school before, and she’d never been in a police station either. She didn’t know much about the sex crimes unit except that her boyfriend Richard’s father worked in the division which is why doing what she was about to do was going to be much more difficult. When the elevator dinged and opened, she stepped into the precinct where people sat at desks talking on telephones and writing down notes, people walking around carrying files, and as soon as a path cleared, she could see Mr. Stabler sitting at a desk. Bella was about to turn around when he spotted her.

Of course she was recognizable by her very curly hair. “Bella? What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in school?” With a shaking voice, she said, “I-I want to report a rape.”

Mercy General Hospital

An hour later, Bella was at Mercy General Hospital getting a rape kit done. She felt violated and humiliated as the nurse poked and prodded, took pictures; she was given a morning after pill and had a STD and HIV/AIDS test taken and her leotard had already been taken to a lab. Mr. Stabler had stepped outside, so it was just Bella, Detective Benson, and the nurse. “Isabella, sweetie, we’re going to have to call your parents? Do you know where they are?” They would probably pull her out of her classes at The School of American Ballet.

Her instructor would get fired, her classmates would probably blame her for it, and she could lose her role as Cinderella in the next production. Bella had been at SAB ever since her family had moved to New York from France when she was in second grade, and she had worked too hard for all of her hard work to go to waste. “My parents?! they’re going to pull me out of The School and possibly ballet! I’m going to be Cinderella in June!” Detective Benson had a sad look in her eyes. “Bella, they’re going to find out anyway when they get their insurance bill and rape kit shows up. So where are your parents?”

Bella ran a hand through her curly hair. “My dad’s a neurosurgeon at Mount Sinai in Queens, and my mom’s an actress, but she’s in Paris filming a movie. Please tell me this won’t get out in the press,” she begged. The last thing Bella wanted or needed was for the French press to get wind of the situation and cause bad publicity for her family. Her mom has had a flawless career so far, never once having been involved in a scandal. She’s the face of Chanel for crying out loud!

“Could you hand me my phone? It’s in the front part of my backpack.” Detective Benson reached in Bella’s bag, pulled out a pink cell phone and handed it to her. “I’ll give you some privacy,” Det. Benson said softly, and left the room to join her partner. 

“So you know the victim personally?” Olivia asked Elliot. “Yeah, she’s Dickie’s girlfriend. Takes AP classes, trains at SAB. Bella’s a good kid.” Elliot remembers the first time he met Isabella St. John; he’d come home on a Saturday morning after wrapping up a case to find an unfamiliar brown skinned girl with very curly hair sitting at the table with a plate of pancakes in front of her, but her attention was on Maureen and a schoolbook. They were speaking French, but the little girl’s was much better than his daughter’s. Kathy explained that the girl, Isabella, was a new student at the twins’ school and that her family had moved to New York from Saint Germain-en-Laye, a suburb of Paris.; Isabella had slept over last night and was waiting for her dad to pick her up, and she’s been a staple at the Stabler house ever since.

“She told me that she didn’t want this leaking to the press. Are her parents famous or something?” Elliot shifted his weight as he told his partner. “Her mother is this big time French actress, and the face of Chanel.” They could hear the teenager speaking rapidly in French, and then the sound of a phone closing shut. Olivia went back into the room to question her some more. 

“My dad is on his way, and Mom is booking the first flight back to New York,” Isabella spoke and there were tears in her eyes. She couldn’t believe that this was happening to her, that this wasn’t some horrible dream. How could this happen to her? Why was this happening to her, and how many other girls in her class had fallen for his lies? “Bella, I need to ask you more questions about Eric. How long has he been teaching at the school?”

“Almost four years. Before New York, he was an instructor at the Royal Ballet School in London, and when he started, some of the older kids said he was into younger women, but they were supposed to be rumors. Then I saw his girlfriend. I thought she was his daughter, but she kissed him on the lips. She’s more than half his age. I’m probably not even his first. He always pays more attention to the girls than he does the boys.” She thought back to all the times her friends said they had private lessons with Eric, how his hands always lingered a little lower than where they were supposed to be. Bella felt sick. Maye she was just the first one to do anything about it. “In fact, I have a friend named Zoe. She had private lessons with him last week.”

Bella told Detective Benson that Zoe lived on the SAB campus and showed her a picture of what Zoe looked like. Bella’s father showed up a little later as he had to fight the lunch rush traffic to Mercy General. He was out of breath, demanding to speak to whoever was in charge, wanting to know where his daughter was, and Elliot had the heartbreaking task of telling Dr. St. John that Bella was raped by her ballet instructor. He was still pissed that he had to wait a few more hours, but he complied anyway, knowing that he had to keep calm for his daughter. Two hours later, Bella was through with her examination, and she was relieved to see her dad in the waiting room.

“Bella, je suis venue dè reçu ton appel. Est- ce que tu vas bien?” Dr. St. John asked in French. “Je suis vais bien papa. Maman es sur le premier vol de retour.” Dr. St. John faced the two detectives, now speaking English. “So what happens now? Are you going to arrest him?” “Well, first we have to conduct a thorough investigation and wait for the lab results, interview students. From what Bella told us, it sounds like a lot of girls could’ve been victims,” Detective Benson answered. 

“Bella was supposed to move into the dorms this summer. God only knows what could’ve happened if she lived there full time,” lamented Dr. St. John. While Bella’s father signed her out, she pulled Mr. Stabler to the side. “C-could you please tell Richard and Lizzie about this? I think they should hear this from me.” The twins had been texting her all day; she and Lizzie were supposed to get together this afternoon and start outlining their end-of-the-year project and she was supposed to help Richard study for an upcoming History test. “I promise. And Bella? You did a very brave thing, and you probably saved plenty of other girls from experiencing what you did,” the older man said to her.

“Will I have to go to court?” Bella had never stepped foot in a courtroom either. What if a jury didn’t believe her because she wasn’t convincing enough? What if she tripped up on the stand? “One step at a time, Bella, but I promise, we will get him. Eric will never hurt you, or anyone else again.” 

Bella thanked him, then rushed to the reception area to join her father. Elliot couldn’t believe this happened to Bella. Saturday night before last, she joined the family for game night and they even played a French board game called Jungle Speed. He was also worried about Richard; Shane died only four months ago and now his girlfriend was just raped? How much more would he be able to handle?

“Let’s go see some ballerinas.”

translations:  Bella, je suis venue dè reçu ton appel. Est- ce que tu vas bien? (Bella, I came as soon as you called. Are you okay?)

2.  Je suis vais bien papa. Maman es sur le premier vol de retour. (I’m fine Daddy. Mom is on the first flight home)

[p-artsypants]

Longest Night (40) Homecoming

This chapter is dedicated to my irl friend Kris, who found this story on his own and then told me he was reading it, which completely freaked my bean. 

Re-reading this story, I remembered thinking about having Tom and Sabine be stress bakers. It was more of a comedy point. But now knowing there are flour outages because of so many people stress baking during quarantine, I think it’s very in character. 

Ao3 | FF.net

—

“Oh look at that! Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful, Adrien.” Dr. Boucher praised. “I love bloody skin grafts.” 

Adrien was on his stomach, but propped up with pillows to keep the weight off of his chest. The bandages on his back were coming off permanently today. 

And they would be going home. 

Well, to the Agreste mansion at least. 

Until things calmed down more, and the new security system was installed at the bakery. 

“No sign of infection, no blackening of any skin. This is just what I hoped to see.” 

“It still looks awful,” said Gabriel, mercilessly. 

“Well, of course it does. And the stitches make it look even worse. But take a look at this!” The doctor pressed a finger against the skin graft for a moment and then pulled away. There was a white spot where he pressed, before it turned pink again. “You see? He’s got a nice blood flow. That means my biggest worries with him are mostly over.” 

He took off more bandages lower down, revealing his buttocks and thighs. “However, the graft came from the groin area. The donor site is looking good too, but the skin is still raw and tender. Walking will be painful for a few weeks still.” Carefully, he rolled Adrien’s thigh to reveal the yellowish gauze on the inside of his legs. It just looked like a really bad rug burn underneath. 

“Sitting might also be unpleasant, given the stretching to the stitches from your lower back to your calves. If you are able to prop up your legs, that should help.” 

Adrien grunted in confirmation. 

“Loose underwear and pants. The more breathable the better. You may shower, but nothing is to be submerged in water. If the xeroform gauze gets wet, blot it dry gently, and use a hair dryer at the lowest setting. You might have to do that a few times a day. As the skin heals, the xeroform will pull off. Just trim it off with scissors. It should be about another two weeks before it pulls all the way off. Your arm stays in the sling for two more weeks, but you can use it as need be. Just be careful. Continue to clean your ears with saline until all of the piercings are healed, then you can take out the earrings. Take all medicine as prescribed, when designated. I’ve included all this information in your care packet.” 

“Thank you,” said Gabriel. 

The doctor smiled and turned to the other side of the room. “And how is Marinette feeling today?” 

“She’s a little sleepy today,” provided Tom. 

Marinette laid on her side, away from Adrien. She didn’t acknowledge the doctor. 

“Not excited about getting to go home in time for Christmas, sweetheart?” 

“I’m ecstatic.” She said dully. 

“I can tell,” Dr. Boucher chuckled. “Did you hear what I told Adrien?” 

“Hmm-mm.” 

“Showers are fine, but don’t submerge any wounds. Mr. Agreste said that your shower has been fitted with a bench so won’t risk standing in water.” 

“Cool.” 

“Take all medicine as prescribed and when designated.” 

“Got it.” 

“Would you please look me in the eye and say that again?” 

Marinette turned to face him, and said calmly. “Yes Dr. Boucher, I will take my medicine exactly as prescribed and at the right times.”

“Excellent.” The man smiled. “I’m not trying to patronize you, I just wanted you to remember.” 

“I know.”

“Good. Now, if anything happens after you leave, you trip and fall, some other symptom pops up, etc. call me, and I’ll come right over. No need to tough things out. We want a nice, smooth recovery.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

“Alright! Let’s get you dressed and checked out!” 

—

Tom, Gabriel, and the Gorilla accompanied them down to the lobby. Sabine has stayed back at the mansion, preparing for their return. Marinette and Adrien were both put in wheelchairs, as they were both still too weak to make the trip. 

As soon as they got off the elevator, applause began as staff and patients alike lined the hall and cheered them on. 

Marinette sunk farther into her chair. “Why are they all here?” She asked her father. 

“Because they love you, and they’re happy to see that you’re alright.” 

“How could they love me?” 

“Darling, you’re Ladybug.” 

“That doesn’t make up for what happened. Just one unforgivable deed can ruin the public’s opinion of a person. Why would I get any special treatment?” 

Tom sighed. “You’ll understand eventually.” 

Eventually, they ended up at check out. Marinette paid little attention to what was being said. They talked billing and insurance, future appointments for suture removal and check ups. Boring stuff. 

Adrien was by her side, about a foot away, and he rested his arm out, palm up for her to take. 

She pretended not to see it. 

Then soon enough, they were moving again, the Gorilla hurrying on ahead to pull up the car. 

“Adrien should sit in the front,” said Marinette. “So he has more leg room.” 

Adrien whined in protest, but Gabriel ignored him. “I think that’s a good idea.” 

Before they even went outside, however, they could already hear the crowd waiting for them. 

“Shit,” Gabriel muttered under his breath. “The media has been patrolling the entrance, but it looks like someone found out today was discharge day.” 

“Don’t these people have anything better to do? Tomorrow is Christmas Eve for crying out loud.” Grumbled Tom. 

Marinette pulled the hood of her sweatshirt up, and pulled the cords taut. Adrien noticed, and mimicked the action. The police stood nearby, ready to keep back the crowds.

The cold December air burst over them in a flurry, blowing right through them, as the voices shouted and cried out for attention. Mostly demanding and questioning, but some with anger.  

“Ladybug! Chat Noir!”

“What are you going to do now?” 

“Will you ever get back to superhero work?” 

“Is it true that you’re both married officially?” 

“Will you be passing on the Miraculous?!”

“Adrien, over here!” 

“Murderers!” 

“Have you heard anything from Hawkmoth?”

“Are you in league with Hawkmoth now?”

“Monsters!” 

Marinette kept her head down as her father helped her into the car. She was placed in the middle seat, as Gabriel sat on her left. The Gorilla helped Adrien into the front, and placed the wheelchairs in the trunk. 

Like the red sea, the reporters parted from the front of the car, but didn’t relent in their questions. 

“How bad are your injuries?”

“Where are the other Miraculous users?” 

“How could you betray us!?”

“What are you going to do with the money from the concert?”

The moment everyone was buckled and settled, the Gorilla peeled out of the drive and sped away to the mansion. 

“Jesus Christ. I didn’t think it’d be that bad.” 

“Must be a slow news day everywhere else.” 

Tom pulled Marinette against him. “It’s okay, Marinette. It won’t take long before this all calms down.” 

“Yeah, like in a few decades.” She muttered. 

The ride was mostly silent, as Tom tried to introduce small talk. But between two people that didn’t talk, and two people not willing to talk, it was more awkward than not. 

Soon they reached the mansion, and even more media awaited them. 

Marinette covered her ears to ignore it. 

The Gorilla pulled right up to the steps, the gate locking the unwanted guests out. 

“I want to walk up the steps on my own.” Marinette demanded. 

“Alright, I’ll be right there to catch you,” said her father, helping her out. 

The Gorilla lifted Adrien out of his seat, and carried him up the stairs. 

Each step hurt, despite having shoes and socks on. She leaned on the rail, while her father’s hand steadied her back. It was slow, but she was doing it on her own. 

The doors to the mansion opened, and immediately they were warmed. Not just by the heat, but by the lights, the glitter, and bright colors. 

Now it felt like Christmas. Garland strung across the banisters, little hints of Christmas scattered over end tables and furniture, and a tree, bare and surrounded by boxes of decorations. 

It felt like a home. 

Marinette let out a little hum at the sight. Her parents must have run home to collect their own decorations to make it feel like their home. 

“Pretty,” she said with a little smile. 

“Oh I’m so glad you like it!” Alya stood from where she was checking lights. “I had no idea if you were going to be up for Christmas, but I figured you wouldn’t at least mind the decorations.”

“Looks very nice,” she stated again. “I’ll enjoy it more in a bit. I really just want to take a shower.” 

“Fair enough!” 

Adrien whined. 

“Stay down here,” she demanded, without looking at him. “It doesn’t make any sense for you to wait for me upstairs when I’m coming right back down.” 

He whined again, but it sounded more like he was relenting. 

The Gorilla deposited him gently on a chair near the tree as Marinette once again, independently climbed the stairs. 

Alya rested a hand on Adrien’s knee. “What do you think, Sunshine? Festive enough?” 

He shrugged. 

“Eh,” Nino winced. “Adrien’s not really...big on Christmas.” 

“My wife is obsessed with Christmas,” explained Gabriel. “Since she...disappeared, it’s been hard. A lot of memories.” 

Adrien shifted uncomfortably. 

“Then we’ll all make some new ones together.” Said Sabine, resting a hand on his head. “Then we’ll honor the ones you have, and it might not sting as much.” 

Adrien didn’t look thrilled at the idea, but he was hard to read. He shuffled his feet, and pulled at the legs of his pants. 

He didn’t really seem to be listening. 

So they let him be, and got back to decorating.  

—

When Marinette reached Adrien’s room, she sauntered over to the bed and sat down on the mattress.

“Great job!” Praised Tikki. “That was a lot of stairs! And you did it all by yourself!” 

“Stupid thing to be happy about,” she frowned. “I’m strong enough, my feet just hurt.” 

“You’ve got to celebrate the little things.” Tikki flitted over to Marinette’s suitcase behind the couch. “Otherwise you’ll get discouraged.”

“Yeah, whatever.” 

Tikki wasn’t bothered by the reaction, and only picked out some clothes and moved them into the bathroom. 

Adrien’s room had also been decorated for Christmas. There was a garland stretched across the railing to the second story. Another undecorated Christmas tree stood in the corner of the room by the windows. The bed was made, with fresh sheets and a festive blanket on the foot of the mattress. By the pillows sat the little Ladybug and Chat Noir plushies. 

Marinette grit her teeth as she leaned forward to untie her shoes. It wasn’t enough to pull her stitches on her back, but it did sting. 

“Do you need help?” Tikki asked after watching her struggle.

“No.” She finished untying her laces, and then started to pull them off. 

The worst of the cuts on her feet were on the ball of her foot, right by her big toe, and it hurt the whole time she slid out of her shoe. 

She still had to take her socks off, but she was exhausted. 

Tikki seemed to pick up on it and pulled her socks off for her, pulling gently to not catch on the stitches. 

“Thank you, Tikki.” 

“Of course Marinette. Please don’t feel ashamed to ask for help. I want you to get better.” 

Marinette didn’t argue, but she didn’t agree. Slowly, she stood and sauntered her way to the bathroom. 

The tile was cool on the irritated skin. She shucked off her sweatpants and sweatshirt, then her shirt and underwear. 

Then she sat on the toilet, feeling tired again before she could reach the shower. 

“Here’s your hairbrush.” Tikki added, dropping it on the counter. 

“Thanks.” 

“Would you like me to stay in here? Or wait outside?” 

“Wait outside.” Then as an afterthought, she added, “please.” 

“I understand. You want your privacy. Well, if you need me, I’ll be out in Adrien’s room.” And she shut the door behind her. 

Gathering her strength, Marinette sauntered over to the shower and turned it on. It didn’t take long at all for it to warm up, and she slid onto the bench, sitting sideways in the stream of water. 

Words couldn’t describe the comfort clean, warm water gave her as it rushed over her body. She scrubbed the shampoo into her hair and let the suds slide down her skin. The luxurious fragrance of expensive soap filled her nostrils, hiding the stench of infection and body odor. The dirt and grime that had persisted even after the sponge baths, were disappearing down the drain, leaving nothing but smooth, clean skin. 

She used a washcloth to scrub at the bloodstains, rubbing her skin raw. Maybe if she rubbed hard enough, she could wash all the bad memories away. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? 

After her hair was shampooed and conditioned, and her skin was raw from her frantic scrubbing, she just sat on the bench, letting the water beat on her. Clear her head of thoughts, good and bad. 

And just exist.

Like that night in the rain. 

She had leaned on Chat’s—Grimalkin’s chest then. He wrapped his arm around her, and kissed her forehead tenderly, like they hadn’t just murdered 14 people. 

A moment in the rain with Adrien. 

How different things had become. 

Before, she loved the rain. It reminded her of falling in love. Of misunderstandings turned to forgiveness, and friendships starting in the most sincere and innocent of ways. But now the rain tasted bitter. It was cold on her skin and made her hair hang flat to her head. 

There was no umbrella, no laughter, no fireworks. 

And even the boy she shared the moment with became a blur. 

When living your last moments, it’s easy to say ‘I love you’. There’s no fear, no considering, no sorting out your feelings. Just the desire for comfort and to lean on someone, and to let your feelings known without regrets. 

She loved Adrien, she knew that in her head. And she had moments with Chat Noir where her heart would beat faster and she’d feel at home. 

But the twisted version of her boy was so foreign to her. They had both come out of torture as different people, that was obvious. But the month she was separated from him, something changed in his mind. It cracked. Or maybe it was the flogging, or even the akumatization. 

Somewhere, the sunshine goofball she treasured was swallowed, and a blank slate was left behind. 

Adrien and Chat Noir still never melded together for her. They hadn’t gotten to develop that gap organically. It was just a constant fight for their lives with no development. 

It was her and him together, and that’s all it was. All it needed to be. 

So what was different now? Why was everything so complicated? 

Finally, she turned the water to cold, letting herself be pelted to numbness before she turned it off completely. 

She stood, stepping out of the shower to get a towel. 

But the marble floor was slick and her feet flew out from under her. She immediately fell on the ground, landing hard on her back and bumping her head on the lip of the shower. 

It wasn’t enough to knock her out, but it did send searing pain up through the wounds in her back. 

Honestly, it would have hurt even if she didn’t just get out of the hospital. 

She didn’t cry out in pain though. She took the impact with as much grace as she could, only a rough grunt coming from her lips. 

Now to get up. 

She could do that, right? She just needed to sit up. 

Sit up. 

Sit. 

Oh she was exhausted. Her head throbbed as she fought off nausea. 

“Tikki?” She called weakly. 

“Did you call me, Marinette?” Tikki asked from outside. 

“Yeah...I...I fell. And I can’t...I can’t get up.” 

Tikki was silent on the other side. Marinette hoped she had rushed to get help, and hadn’t shrugged her off. 

Just a few minutes. 

Just a few…

—

Tikki swooped into the main room where everyone was still decorating. “Marinette fell!” She cried. 

Immediately, everyone abandoned their decorations and raced up the stairs, leaving Adrien alone on the couch. 

Tom, Sabine, and Alya burst into the bathroom, while Nino and Gabriel waited just outside, giving her privacy, but also waiting to help where they could. 

Marinette looked up at the sudden entrance. “It’s not as bad as it looks.” 

“Oh baby...” Sabine cooed, bending over her. “What hurts? Where did you land?” 

“I landed on my back, and I bumped my head.” 

“I’ll get an ice pack!” Gabriel called before leaving the room. 

“Do we need to call the doctor?” Asked Tom. 

“No, no don’t. I just...need some help getting up. I’m...weaker than I thought.” 

“How’s your spine? Does anything feel wrong?” 

“No, just my stitches.” 

“Okay, I just didn’t want to move you if you hurt your spine.” Tom took hold of her arm and pulled her up to sit. Then he scooped her up and moved her to sit on the toilet. 

Alya draped a towel over her legs. 

Sabine scooted behind her, touching her back. “I’m not seeing any bleeding, so I don’t think you tore anything.” 

“Girl, talk to us.” Alya demanded. “I see tears. What hurts?” 

“It all hurts,” she confessed with a whisper. “But I feel so stupid for falling...” 

Sabine took her hairbrush and started to comb out her hair. “Darling, no. You don’t need to worry about that. Accidents happen.” 

“Dr. Boucher told me to be careful. But I just wanted to shower on my own...” 

“Marinette,” her mother squeezed her hand. “We do not fault you for wanting to be independent or wanting privacy. You deserve it, you have the right to ask for it. This was simply an accident, and it’s not as bad as it could be.” 

“I’ll call the doctor,” said Tom. “I don’t think he needs to come, but it would be smart to get his recommendation.” 

“Sorry...” 

“No apologies necessary, honey.” Tom kissed her temple, and left the room. 

“Let’s get you dressed, Hmm?” 

“Yeah.” 

Only a few minutes later, Marinette emerged from the bathroom, clean and dry, dressed in fresh clothes. Sabine helped her to sit on the bed. 

Gabriel handed her a bag of frozen peas for her head, and Nino gave her a glass of water with some ibuprofen. 

“Dr. Boucher says he’s not too worried about it since she’s not bleeding or unconscious. He said there might be some extra soreness, but to call again if something feels sprained.” 

“I’m sorry...” Marinette looked down to her toes. 

“Really girl, stop apologizing.” Alya chastised. “We felt so helpless for so long, please let us help you now.” 

Marinette looked up to her shyly, and prepared to answer, but before she could, a low whine came from the door. 

Everyone collectively turned to look, only to find Adrien sitting at the door frame. 

“Adrien? How did you get up here?” Gabriel asked, dreading the answer. 

Adrien leaned forward to his hands and knees and started to shuffle slowly into the room. 

“Nope!” Tom rushed to him and lifted him off the floor. He carried him over to the couch and set him down. 

“What do you think you’re doing?!” Gabriel reprimanded. “Why didn’t you just stay downstairs?”

Adrien flinched, curling up on himself at the shout. 

Tom petted his head. “I’m sorry we left you down there alone. We won’t do it again.”

As soon as Adrien was on the couch, he was twisting to turn around to look at Marinette. He whined again. 

Marinette didn’t look at him. 

“She’s alright,” Sabine cooed. “Just bumped her head.” 

His eyes never left her, as he just stared with an unreadable expression. 

“Did you want to take a shower too, dude?” Asked Nino. 

But Adrien didn’t answer. It didn’t seem like he had heard him. 

“Adrien,” Gabriel stepped right in front of him and caught his eyes. “Do you want to take a shower?”

Adrien tried to look around him, back at Marinette, but she wasn’t looking at him. Not cuing him, not saying anything to him. 

He didn’t know what to do. 

“Adrien.” Gabriel pressed a little firmer. “Yes or no?” 

Why was a simple yes or no so hard? He didn’t know! He didn’t know!

The decision was taken away as Tom scooped him up. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Maybe you’ll feel better afterwards.” 

As he was being taken away, he kept twisting to get a peek at Marinette. 

She never met his eyes. 

Once he was in the bathroom, Sabine helped Marinette over to the couch. “Here dear, just relax. We’ll put a movie on for you both, and we’ll decorate the tree! Won’t that be nice?”

“Hm.” She hummed noncommittally.

“You know, you have a lot of people that want to see you. So for Christmas Eve tomorrow, we’re thinking about having a big dinner. With the Cesaire’s, and Grandma and Grandpa, Chloe, and Jagged Stone and Penny! Won’t that be fun?”

“Yeah.” She said flatly. 

“If you’d rather not, they’d completely understand.” 

“It’s fine.” 

“Are you sure? I can call it off too. No pressure sweetie.” 

“Yeah, mom I said it’s fine!” She barked, “If I didn’t want to see them, I would have said no!” 

“Okay,” Sabine said patiently. “I just want you to be in control, but I also want you to have fun.”

Marinette sighed. Then she leaned over the back of the couch and looked in her bag. Not finding what she was looking for, she asked, more politely, “maman? Did you pack my favorite blanket? The gray and red plaid one?” 

“I packed your bag,” Alya clarified. “And no, I didn’t. Sorry girl. I can go grab it for you, though! Anything else you want me to get?”

“Can you also grab my cat pillow?” 

“Sure thing!”

“Wait a second, Alya, have Tom go with you.”

Marinette waited, sitting on the couch and looking out to the city. It was a gray, bleak sky, and even the buildings looked desaturated. While the twinkling of the lights in her peripheral vision showed a warm environment, the landscape in front of her reminded her of just how cold and unforgiving the world was. And how cold it would continue to be in the coming weeks. Perhaps even for the rest of her life. 

Alya plopped down on the couch next to her. “So what do you want to watch? Hallmark’s got some really great ones this year. And by great, I mean terrible. We can play your favorite game: car accident or cancer?” 

“I don’t want to watch a Hallmark movie. Too fake. Too predictable.” 

“Alright, you want a classic one then? Something you’ve seen a hundred times before?” 

“Yeah…yeah I think that’s what I want.” 

“Okay.” Alya dashed up to Adrien’s movie collection. “God, he’s got like every movie ever made up here! Umm…oh, this will work!” She grabbed the case and rushed down the stairs. “I know you like this one!” And she popped it in the player. 

A black and white film. A sleepy scenic town, covered in a layer of fresh snow. The voices of various people called up to prayer. 

And then a sea of stars, where two stars flickered in conversation. 

It’s a Wonderful Life. 

It wasn’t Christmas without it. She’d seen it a hundred times, her heart hurting until the end. 

It was hitting differently this year. 

Eventually, Adrien was brought out, fresh and clean. His hair damp and combed back. With Tom holding his hand, he tottered his way to the couch to sit next to Marinette. 

“Tom?” Asked Sabine, “Alya was going to run to the bakery to get some stuff for Marinette. Will you go with her?” 

“Of course!” 

“Would you like to take the car?” Asked Gabriel. 

“No, I think a walk will do just fine.” 

“Buffalo Gals can't you come out tonight. Can't you come out tonight. Can't you come out tonight. Buffalo Gals can't you come out tonight and dance by the light of the moon.”  

Marinette had noticed when Adrien sat next to her. He still sat just out of reach. One scoot and she’d be pressed against him. 

But she didn’t move. And neither did he. 

“Okay, then, I'll throw a rock at the old Granville house.” 

“Oh, no, don't. I love that old house.” 

An old house indeed. It was a weather-beaten, old-fashioned two-storied house that once was no doubt resplendent. 

“No. You see, you make a wish and then try and break some glass. You got to be a pretty good shot nowadays, too.” 

“Oh, no, George, don't. It's full of romance, that old place. I'd like to live in it.” 

“In that place?” 

“Uh-huh.” 

“I wouldn't live in it as a ghost. Now watch...right on the second floor there.” He hurled a stone at the window and broke it. An old man sitting on his porch sat up at attention.

“What'd you wish, George?” 

“Well, not just one wish. A whole hatful, Mary. I know what I'm going to do tomorrow and the next day and the next year and the year after that. I'm shaking the dust of this crummy little town off my feet and I'm going to see the world. Italy, Greece, the Parthenon, the Colosseum. Then I'm coming back here and go to college and see what they know...and then I'm going to build things. I'm gonna build air fields. I'm gonna build skyscrapers a hundred stories high. I'm gonna build bridges a mile long…” 

As he talked, Mary had been listening intently. She finally stooped down and picked up a rock, weighting it in her hand. 

“Are you gonna throw a rock?” 

Mary threw her rock, and once more the sound of breaking glass echoed over the empty street. 

“Hey, that's pretty good. What'd you wish, Mary?” 

She threw him a flirty smile. “Buffalo Gals, can't you come out tonight…”

Alya and Tom returned from their trip, and set the pillow on the bed. Alya dropped the blanket over Marinette and Adrien both, then settled on the couch next to Adrien. 

“Scooch!” Nino demanded, as he wiggled into the seat next to Alya. Alya then bumped into Adrien, who slid over to be closer to Marinette.

Their legs pressed together. 

She didn’t acknowledge it, or the little whimper Adrien made. 

On the screen, George Bailey entered the old, run down house they had broken the windows to. It was run down, water dripping from the ceiling, and the wind was blowing the drapes around as the rain poured outside. But a huge fire burned in the fireplace. Near the fireplace, a collection of packing boxes were heaped together in the shape of a small table and covered with a checkered oilcloth, set for two. A bucket with ice and a champagne bottle sat on the table as well as a bowl of caviar. Two small chickens roasted on a spit over the fire. A phonograph played on a box, a string from the phonograph turning the chickens on the spit. A Hawaiian song played on the record. Mary stood near the fireplace looking as pretty as any bride ever looked. She smiled at George, who had been slowly taking in the whole set-up. Through a door, there was the end of a cheap bed, over the back of which is a pair of pajamas and a nightie.

“Welcome home, Mr. Bailey.” 

“Well, I'll be...Mary, Mary, where did you…”

Ernie, the taxi driver, shoved George forward into Mary’s arms. 

The record ended, and Bert and Ernie sang from outside.

I love you truly, truly dear,

Life with it's sorrow, life with it's tear,

Fades into dreams when I feel you are near,

For I love you truly,

Truly dear!

Ah, love 'tis something, to feel your kind hand,

Ah yes, 'tis something, by your side to stand,

Gone is the sorrow, gone doubt and fear,

For you love me truly,

Truly dear!

A searing pain overtook Marinette’s hand. The pain of a burn, searing flesh and nerves to a blacked char. She looked down, her clenched fingers unfurling. 

Chat Noir. 

That was engraved into her palm, the scar still very angry and red. The new skin began to show through, a pale white. 

Then, by the power invested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.

It was the voice of the officiant echoing in her head, some of his last words before he was shot and killed. The man that had married her to Adrien. 

She could feel the paint on her face, the itchy tutu on her legs, and the absolute humiliation of that mockery of a wedding. The drunken singing, the groping, the lifeless eyes of a corpse on the ground. 

In that case, let’s get a sailboat. Sail the world. At night, we’ll be just a silhouette surrounded by a myriad of stars. Spend our nights on the glassy water, where you can't tell where the sky begins and ends. Just the two of us, free to go wherever we want.

That was Adrien’s voice, when it still sounded like him. The last time she heard him speak.

When we’re out of here, we’ll have our perfect wedding. And then we’ll go, and never look back.

“Marinette?” Alya asked. 

Marinette just shook her head, and covered her face. She brought her legs up and curled up into the corner of the couch as far as she could. 

Mary spoke on the screen. “Remember the night we broke the windows in this old house? This is what I wished for.”

—

Day number...who even knew anymore. The dark and the silence made time go on forever. 

But the cement was not quite as cold, the ache in her knees not so strong, and she could hear traffic. 

This is a dream, she told herself. Just a nightmare. 

Just like every night. 

The door to her little cage opened, and there stood Ladybug. Her arms were crossed and she looked supremely disappointed.

“Well?” She asked. 

“Well what? You’re the one with the powers here.” 

Ladybug scoffed, not moving from the doorframe. “Don’t act dumb. I’ve had it with your attitude.” 

“You aren’t real,” Said Marinette. “And my attitude? You mean my trauma? My anxiety? My paranoia? You mean the fact that I don’t know who I can trust anymore? You mean the supreme weight of being closed in silence for a month? Is that what you’re sick of, Ladybug? My unheroic disposition? My unladylike mannerisms?”

Ladybug looked at her unflinching. “No. That’s not what I’m talking about at all. And you know it.” 

Marinette turned away. “I really wish it was.” 

“Because you have an excuse for it?” 

“And a logical explanation.” 

“I don’t think violent torture is logical.” 

“No. No it’s not.” Marinette scoffed. “Look, do you have a reason for bothering me? Or did you just come here to taunt me? O ghost of Christmas past?” 

“You know why I’m here.” 

“No, I really don’t. This is a dream right? Dreams don’t make sense. They say dreams have hidden meanings, but I really doubt reliving every torment I dealt with in the past month is anything but trauma.” 

Ladybug snapped her fingers, and in an instant, they were in Adrien’s room. Marinette was on the couch, where she had elected to sleep, despite the insistence against it from everyone else.

She didn’t look, but she knew Adrien was in his bed.

“You’re acting weird around Adrien again.” Ladybug stated coldly. “Why?” 

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. 

“You don’t know? Really? After all you’ve been through together, now you’re avoiding him?” 

“I’m not avoiding him!” 

“You haven’t said a word to him since he fought his way to you in the hospital!” 

“He can’t speak! It wouldn’t be fair!” 

“You won’t even look at him!” 

“That’s not true!” 

“Look at him right now!” 

“I—I can’t!” 

“You can’t? Or you won’t?” 

Marinette trembled. “I can’t...I can’t bear it...” 

“Bear what, Marinette?” 

It took awhile for her to have an answer. 

“I…I don’t know him.” She confessed. 

Ladybug didn’t answer, only looked down at her, waiting. 

“I don’t know if I ever knew him. How could I, if Chat and Adrien never felt like the same person? And now…this—“ She cut herself off. “I’m horrible. I’m cruel. And I’m unfair. I’m not the Marinette I used to be, so why would he be different? Shouldn’t I just…love him regardless?” 

Ladybug sat daintily next to her. “You know love isn’t easy. People change, and so must your love. But it’s not going to if you don’t communicate with him.” 

“He can’t talk.”��

“He can listen. And he can see. And he’s aware of every time you push him away. And he has no idea why you are. But, knowing him, he’s probably thinking the worst.” 

Marinette turned to look at him. He curled up in his bed, looking far too small for the king sized mattress. 

He looked restless and tense. 

“You don’t have to have all the answers right now. But don’t push away the person who understands your pain the most. Now wake up!” 

Marinette jolted awake, still on the couch. This time for real. She blinked a few times, noticing that it was snowing outside. The lights from the garden shined up to illuminate the flakes. 

Then, she noticed the blond head by her elbows. He was sitting on the floor, resting against the couch and watching the snowfall. 

“Adrien?” She whispered, ever so gently. 

He turned his head, looking at her with wide green eyes, full of panic. He had been caught. 

“Can’t sleep?” She asked again, still gently.

He shook his head, no. 

She sat up, making room for him. “Would you like to sit up here? It’ll be more comfortable.” 

He took her invitation and climbed onto the couch. 

Marinette took note of his posture, tense, closed off, unsure as he continued to watch the snow fall.

“I’m sorry.” She breathed.

He glanced at her again, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“I…this is going to sound so stupid, but…now that we’re not in mortal peril anymore, I’ve been thinking…” 

Tears gathered in his eyes as he started to scoot farther away from her. 

“No, wait, Adrien…ugh.” She grimaced and shook her head. “Look, Chat Noir and Adrien were always so different from each other. I told you I loved you, and I do, and I didn’t lie. But…if the reveal had happened naturally, I would have wanted more time.” 

He looked less upset now, and more just curious as he cocked his head. 

“Time to reconcile the two versions of you into one. But the person you are now is even more different…I’m just confused. And I still feel…really guilty about getting us into this position in the first place.” Tears started to sting at her own eyes before she shut them tight to will them away. “I’m sorry for pushing you away, Kitty.” 

A hand fell on her shoulder. Sure, and strong as he gave her a little squeeze. 

“Hey, no sweat Marinette.” She could almost hear his voice.

His hand trailed down her arm to take her hand, before he gave it a little squeeze and brought it to his lips to kiss. 

“There’s nothing to forgive, my lady.” 

When she opened her eyes, she let out a shuddering sigh at the look on his face. One of adoration and trust. That slight smile, and eyes that sparkled with warmth. 

Adrien. 

The boy she loved. Her partner. 

The line was blurred, but not completely gone. But things already felt better. 

He let go of her hand and held out his arm, asking for a hug. 

She fell into him, letting his warmth seep into her soul. He smelled like Adrien used to smell, and had a quiet purr that Chat always had. 

“I love you,” she whispered. “I really love you.”

He squeezed her tighter and kissed her head. 

They stayed like that for a while, until Adrien yawned. 

“Let’s get back to bed, huh?” 

He gestured to his bed. 

“Yeah, I’ll join you.” 

He beamed. 

Slowly, they both shuffled to the bed, and dropped onto it. Marinette spread her blanket over both of them and snuggled down to rest. The bed really was more comfortable than the couch. 

Adrien hooked his ankles with hers, and reached out to take her hand. 

She just scooted closer and wrapped an arm around his waist. Then she left a peck on his lips. “Needy kitty.” 

He nuzzled against her head, lulling her back to sleep with his purrs. 

[good-doctor-imagine]

Scar » one

Pairing: Richie Tozier x Fem!Reader

Summary: You thought you were leaving everything behind when you moved to Derry. Turns out, you were wrong. (soulmate au)

Word Count: 2410

A/N: I’m so excited to post the first part to this! I’ve been writing it for the past couple of days and it’s gotten so long that I decided to split it into a few parts. I hope you all like it! <3

You had no clue why your parents wanted to move to Derry, Maine so abruptly. It wasn't like there was much opportunity in a small town like that. Actually, you did know. Your dad got transferred because of the increase in missing kids cases and the Derry police force needed extra hands. Now that you look at it, you understood the need to move but you couldn't wrap your head around why they would move. You were a kid for God's sake. If there was an increase in missing kids cases, then why would they bring you along?

You tried arguing that your dad should go and work until the cases were solved. Of course, being the thirteen-year-old you were, they wouldn't listen to your argument. Instead, they insured you that you were in good hands, your father was a police officer and the whole town had a 7 pm curfew to ensure the safety of its citizens.

Scoffing, you went back to your room, slamming the door behind you to show your disappointment. It was August, right before you started school again. The summer was spent outside with your friends, riding bikes until the sun set, splashing in rivers until you were soaked. Nothing could have prepared you for the sudden goodbye. You tried not to show your heartbreak as you hugged your best friend for the last time, holding each other for what seemed like hours.

To put it lightly, you were pissed. You didn't even attempt to hide your disappointment in the backseat of your dad's Ford Sierra, giving short answers every time your parents asked you a question. It took so much of you not to roll your eyes when your dad told you to behave. Sure, you were being a brat, but your life was ripped away from you in a matter of 3 days. Three days ago your parents told you were moving. Two days ago you said goodbye to some of your closest friends. One day ago, you were packing your bags, your best friend helping you pack the most valuable items that you've accumulated over the years. Birthday gifts, goofy polaroids, and treasured memories were being stuffed into containers, turning into just some cherished moments of your life.

Now, you were on the road to start your new life. You didn't want a new life, all you wanted was to go back home and spend time with your friends. As you sat in the back seat, your head rested on your right hand. Subconsciously, your gaze traveled to the inside of your left hand. There was a scar that showed up a few days ago, a long jagged mark across the palm of your hand. The moment you saw it, you knew it was from your soulmate. You tried to recall what happened that day, wondering if you slid your hand on a rock and scratched it, but you never remembered the pain. Your skin wasn't bothered either, it was just a dark mark across your skin.

A part of you was relieved knowing that your soulmate was there. Besides the scar on your left hand, there was nothing on your body to show you that your soulmate existed. Some days you wondered if you even had a soulmate. When you were little, you would search for any tiny mark you could, determined to find a mark that showed you that they were there. After a while, you gave up. You thought if they didn't have a scar now, then you probably didn't have a soulmate.

All of your friends had scars as well. Whether it was from your intense playing and skidding on rocks or just plain roughhousing, everyone had a scar from something. You even had one.

It was easy to miss unless you were looking closely. Being the rambunctious and rebellious toddler you were, you didn't listen to your parents whenever they told you to stop. Before you knew it, a piece of glass from a wine glass your mom dropped a few seconds earlier was buried in the bottom of your foot. Although it was pretty light, a line was drawn on the center of your foot, a permanent marker of your rebellious action.

Being able to see your soulmate's scar was comforting and nerve-racking. The conflicting emotions made your head spin. One part of you was so elated that there was confirmation that you had a soulmate. The other part of you was anxious that you just left your soulmate. Ever since you were a child, you would create scenarios where you would find your soulmate outside your house one day. In one scenario, they were your new neighbor, knocking on your front door to introduce themselves. In another, they ran into you as you were biking with your friend. Your favorite scenario was meeting your soulmate in the arcade, your relationship starting with a friendly competition. Since you were little, you convinced yourself that your soulmate was back home. Your soulmate was waiting for you back in (Hometown). You balled your left hand into a fist, covering the scar from your view. It was too painful to look at.

When you went to go tell your parents about your newfound scar, a huge grin adorning your face, they told you that you had to move. Before you knew it, your grin fell and disbelief surrounded your whole body. You were just overjoyed knowing that your soulmate was actually alive, but now a sense of dread filled your body. Saying goodbye to all your friends, memories, dreams, and all for what? Your dad's job transfer?

You couldn't have hated the road trip more, clenching your hand into a fist as your parents sat in the front seat, their own hands entwined on the center console.

Richie was a toddler when he attained his first scar. His parents were shocked when they looked at the bottom of his right foot, finding a line etched on his skin. At first, they thought it was some sort of marker that Richie used on his skin but it didn't disappear when they tried to wash it off. Then, they asked their son if he stepped on something sharp while they were at work. Richie shook his head, his mouth slightly hung open in confusion.

Then, it clicked into their minds. Richie's soulmate must have cut their foot somehow. Of course, they would explain it to him later. Trying to explain soulmates to a toddler was not something they wanted to get involved with.

When Richie was 7, his parents finally explained the concept of soulmates to him. They told him about the scar on his foot and how his soulmate would have the same mark. Richie found it a bit weird that soulmates existed, his second-grade mind not able to grasp the concept of loving someone yet. Hell, some boys in his class still believed that girls had cooties. As Richie aged up, he began to understand the concept of soulmates even more. Popular TV shows and movies would contain soulmates, often between two best friends that didn't know they were connected in that way until one of them got injured. People at school started to pay more attention to the marks on their bodies, searching each other for the familiar marks with the hope of finding their other half.

Richie never tried that hard to search for his soulmate. He couldn't exactly go up to someone and say "Let me see the bottom of your feet". He knew that finding his soulmate would be a challenge but he didn't mind that much. He was 13 and wasn't interested in the concept of love. He was too busy entertaining himself with Street Fighter, not to mention the killer clown that he and his friends defeated that summer. The last thing that was on his mind was his soulmate.

All of the losers knew about his soulmate's scar, they all saw it from their frequent visits to the quarry. Eddie and Beverly liked to tease him about it, asking him if he had some kind of foot fetish. Richie ignored their comments and bit back at them. He wasn't bothered by his soulmate's mark and, in fact, he would often forget about it. It wasn't like he could look at it every day, it was on the bottom of his foot and he didn't have much flexibility.

After the defeat of the killer clown, Richie dedicated himself to his game Street Fighter, determined to exceed his highest score from last year. Eddie would join him every few days before complaining about Richie's obsession. Tired of Richie's lack of attention, Eddie decided that he wasn't going to the arcade with Richie that day. Instead, he was going birdwatching with Stanley. Richie didn't hold back his complaints, calling the popular hobby incredibly boring. Eddie wasn't bothered by his words, leaving Richie by himself at the arcade machine.

Your mom kicked you out of the house, giving you some money before sending you out the front door. She was bothered by you spending the rest of your summer indoors so she told you to go out and make some friends. Your mood was sour as you grabbed your bike from the driveway. You remembered passing by an arcade on the way here and decided that it would be the perfect place to go. You could spend your money, play some games, and convince your mom that you made some friends (even if you didn't).

Taking a step in the arcade, you looked around at the people occupying the machines. There weren't that many given the small space. Walking over to the quarter machine, you put in a five dollar bill to get some change. While it was spitting out some coins, you took the time to look at your options. There were a few machines across the wall: a pacman machine, a rampage machine, and a popcorn machine stuffed into the corner. What caught your eye was the Street Fighter machine in the middle of the arcade but there was already a boy occupying it. Taking your quarters out of the machine, you stood back for a while, waiting for the kid to leave the game.

One minute turned to five, then to ten, then to fifteen. By this point, you were getting annoyed. The boy was constantly replaying, entering quarter after quarter to start a new game. Right before he put in the next quarter, you came up behind him and spoke up, your voice sharp.

"Can you move on already? There's other people in the arcade too."

The boy turned around with furrowed eyebrows, his squinted eyes magnified by the large glasses resting on his nose. "You talkin' to me?"

You scoffed, folding your arms in front of you. "Who else would I be talking to? You're the only one hogging a machine."

Richie took a few quick glances around the arcade before turning his focus back onto you. "Looks like there's other games open still, sugar."

Your eyebrow twitched at the nickname but you held yourself back from snapping at him. "Well, I want to play this game."

Richie smirked at you before gesturing to the game screen in front of him. "See this, sugar?" He pointed to the high score on the screen, "This is my high score. Unless you can do better, I suggest you go play some other game." Ignoring his comment, you pushed next to him, entering your own quarter in the game. "H-Hey did you hear me?"

"Loud and clear," You responded, shooting him a fake smile. "Now are you going to play or what?" You gestured to the second set of controls.

Richie's frown turned into a smirk, the corner of his lip tipping upwards. "You're on, sugar."

All you could hear was the jamming of buttons and the occasional groan from your opponent. Your focus was on the game, determined to defeat the arrogant boy that stood next to you. You won the first round, making Richie grumble in disappointment. When he won the second round, he let out a victorious shout.

"You need to be faster than that to defeat me."

You rolled your eyes at his comment, stretching out your fingers to get ready for the next round. "There's one more round, you haven't won yet."

Richie bit his lip, concentrating on the combat game in front of him. He couldn't let this girl defeat him, not at his favorite game. Unfortunately, his health started to drain as you jammed the buttons, fingers working tirelessly to defeat the arrogant prick. Richie also got your health down pretty low, but it wasn't enough. With one final hit, you were able to knock down his character.

Mouth turned down in disappointment, he stared at the screen with hard eyes. Your mouth was turned up into a grin, feeling victorious as you got to enter your name into the screen.

"Best out of three?" Richie offered, looking at you with pleading eyes.

"Sure," You complied, "But you have to pay since you lost."

The two of you lost count of the score by the tenth game, the loser having to pay for the next round. The game kept going and before you knew it, it was already 5:30.

"Sorry I have to go," You spoke up before Richie could insert the next quarter, "My mom will kill me if I'm late to dinner."

Richie's grin faltered, looking over at the girl next to him. He had such a good time with you that he even lost track of time. For some reason, he wished he could pause time just so you could keep playing. He liked having someone as competition. Eddie was a good friend and he did play the game with him, but he wasn't much competition. Richie was bound to win every round. With you, however, there was a challenge to it. He would win a few rounds and you would win a few rounds. You were both testing each other's skills.

"Oh," Richie finally spoke, the hand holding the quarter slowly dropping, "Will you be here tomorrow?"

Your eyebrows drew in slightly at his question before giving him a few pats on the shoulder. "Yeah, I can play a few rounds tomorrow."

two

Masterlist

[wrongfullythinking]

Twitter and the “Public Forum”

There is a very large looming legal question about whether or not social media sites, such as Twitter, are “Public Forums.”  Most would agree that they are not... at least... not yet.  But the question is... should they be?

First, a look into why it matters.

In a public forum, all First Amendment protections apply.  So you can say any number of very objectionable things (https://scholar.google.com/scholar_case?case=12634874511090553174) and be protected.  In a private forum, this is not so.  I can kick you out of my house for wearing an Abercrombie shirt, and you have no Free Speech/Expression reason to contest my staggeringly good decision-making.

Second, the public forum cannot be policed for any content that may be stated.  This is why if you go to reserve time at a public park, you don’t have to tell the Parks and Rec department what your event is for.  Just things like how many people, how long the event will last, etc.  This is well-established and well-backed by many years of precedent.

Finally, there is the very serious matter of personal liability.  In certain circumstances, officials can be held personally liable if their policies deliberately and knowingly infringe upon Bill of Rights protections (most often First Amendment protections).  This means that you could literally sue for the property and assets of a person.  (Also, this is why those of us who own either physical property [like a house] or intellectual property [like a book] buy “Umbrella Coverage” from insurances... I recommend State Farm, but that’s totally irrelevant and I’m not getting any kickbacks for that shill =P.)

But hang on... so if the government owns a billboard and rents it out to whomever can pay, can I rent it and post a naked lady?

You could try, and you might win!  What you can’t do is post something obscene.  And yes, whether or not a naked person is obscene is staggeringly controversial.  There’s a 3-part test from the Burger court, a host of vague terms like “average person” and “contemporary community standards,” and “lacks serious artistic/literary/political/scientific value.”  And then there are protections for children, a whole separate piece, as well as child pornography, which is always classified as obscene... except when it is not, like in the cases of naked cherubs in church windows.  So, confused yet?  We’re off topic, but I make this point to explain that even in public forums, where First Amendment rights are fiercely protected, there are still outstanding issues of content censorship.

So, is Twitter / Facebook / Tumblr a public forum?

At this point, the answer is no.  They are privately controlled by companies, not owned by the feds or states or local municipalities, and thus can make almost any policy they want.  The idea here is that the free market dictates the life or death of these platforms... and that idea tends to hold true!  Tumblr itself is a good case-in-point, because it has lost millions of dollars in value due to bad leadership decisions, and at least partially because of censorship.  There are countless examples of others... I remember when Yahoo! was the primary search engine of the internet and Xanga was the biggest blogging platform.  While you can still Yahoo, I’m not sure there are more than a few hundred people on Xanga, if it still exists in any useful format.  So, since places like this are subject to the free market, and thus can die... they should be allowed to make all the good or bad decisions they want about their content.  Or at least, that is how the theory runs.

But really... ARE they subject to the market?  Now we’re getting into the really interesting territory.  If Facebook shut down tomorrow, would it be a problem?  Maybe, but life would continue.  But if Google shut down tomorrow?  Well, millions of schoolchildren are in GoogleClassrooms right now, so that would certainly be a problem.  It would at least cause massive disruption... and Facebook shutting down would cause some disruption.  Likewise, Twitter controls so much speech that instead of publishing headlines from Newspapers, newspapers publish headlines from Twitter!  The 14-year-old looks at that line like “well, duh” and the 44-year old reads that line like “wow, we’ve come a long way,” and the 84-year-old reads that line with just a sad headshake.

So, now we’ve joined one of the most controversial points of the last 20 years... the Fannie Mae “Too Big to Fail” problem.  Basically, a set of banks and big mortgage companies (Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac) made a bunch of bad decisions in about 1995 - 2008.  [As an aside, whether or not Fannie Mae {technically, the “Federal National Mortgage Association”} is actually a company comes up as an issue... it originated as a government program, but is today a publicly-traded company and has been since the late 60s, though it was delisted from NYSE and is only traded off-exchange].  And the government had to step in.  You can read all about that issue at another time, the bottom line is that actually Fannie Mae has paid back more than it borrowed, but there was a ballooning of the debt ceiling by over 800 billion.  Some people care about the national debt, some don’t, and again, not the subject of this commentary.  The point is that it set a very odd precedent, whereas a company could make extremely bad decisions and then the burden would be placed on the taxpayers to fix their decision, because the company itself was a part of so many people’s lives.  Would social media fall under this guidance?  Unlikely, and I think we would all run from state-sponsored social media... but hey, what do I know.

So... get to the point.  Should they be public forums, or not?

My two cents always comes down against censorship, especially censorship by entities that don’t have my best interests at heart... so basically, everybody else.  I think that it is so easy to self-censor the internet at the personal end (for example, by installing filters and blocking services for objectionable content), that companies should not be unilaterally making these decisions, especially if those companies want to be venues for mass public communication.

Let’s go with another example... let’s say you wanted to call up your buddy and have a nice long phonesex session.  Good for you.  Or just chat with them about the latest Dr. Doe video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QXgT8WXaPUY), because enthusiasm is important.  Would you be okay with Verizon telling a robot to monitor your call, and then automatically hang up if you said “penis” too much?  Or “Trump”?  Or “Black Lives Matter?”  What about “Nazi,” “Rohypnol,” “Mary Jane,” “negritos” [I’ve got your back, Mr. Cavani], “snowbunny,” or “Insane Clown Posse”?  I think most people would be upset about any of those, and they would rightfully tell Verizon that they will find another provider.  So Verizon doesn’t do that, although it could.  But Twitter does do that.  And the availability of another Twitter is in question.  Will something succeed Twitter?  Absolutely.  But right now, Twitter is under no market pressure, so it is succeeding at taking off its platform any number of conversations that it probably should not be policing.

There’s also a social-justice side of this.  So, let’s say that we all decide Twitter is a bad platform and move to something else.  And that something else costs us 10$ a month.  I wouldn’t notice this fee.  Others would.  So that’s an access issue.  Or, let’s say that some people start migrating to a new platform, and they only tell their friends about it.  That’s okay, right?  Absolutely... but imagine that college student who is trapped at home in a pandemic right now who cannot get any viewpoints outside of what her parents approved of, and previously used Twitter to explore and challenge her upbringing.  If she doesn’t get an invite to the new platform, is she just lost?

And that brings up the Pandemic.  Many, many common public forums have been shut down due to the pandemic.  This alone has caused serious controversy (see: BLM protests on crowded streets where state governors participated, while those same governors implemented executive orders enforcing 6-foot distancing in churches and stores), so the argument for Twitter censorship “but you have many other public forums!” is tough to substantiate during the COVID-era.  And this is a HUGE problem.  Historically, taking away public forums is always an early move of totalitarian regimes.  Taking away rights to assembly and speech follows soon after.  We’re now in Phase 2 there... and our governors keep assuring us it is temporary... while at the same time, encouraging Twitter to take off any viewpoints they don’t like, under the guise of “false or misleading information.”  Soon, they start moving into the schools, and that leads to...

SCIENCE!!!

So, to talk about what rigorous debate means, we need to understand a bit about Science.  And specifically, the philosophy of science, what scientific discourse looks like, and why review and critique are parts of the scientific process.

Point 1: “Scientific consensus” is hogwash.  Yes, we all agree that the Earth orbits the Sun, and the Sun itself moves, but beyond that, there isn’t much scientific consensus.  If you see an article that starts with the phrase “Expert say,” you can go ahead and close your browser window right there.  The rest is bull****.

Point 2: The limits of science are boundless.  Any specific scientific paper is, by necessity and the peer review process, very strictly bounded.  “Whether or not a vaccine is efficient” is an entirely different paper than one titled “Whether or not 80-year-olds with lung cancer should get the vaccine,” and both of those are different than “How the US should achieve herd immunity, and if it is even possible for COVID-19 before significant mutations cause current immunizations to be ineffective,” and all three of those are different from “Do we need to vaccinate our cats from COVID in order to reach herd immunity?”

Point 3: There is no “finalized” science.  The answers are never finished.  What is “cutting edge” science today is out-of-date tomorrow, barbaric and backwards by the end of the year, and grounds for an abuse lawsuit by the end of the decade.  The best examples of this are from Psych treatments.

Point 4: I get very worried when anybody starts to censor scientific content... especially those without any qualifications.  Okay, so this one is a personal sentence (note the “I”), but I’m going to go ahead and guess that Twitter robots and interns flagging posts don’t have any idea the difference between sensitivity and specificity, the background as to why the FDA has never approved an mRNA vaccine previously, the difference between statistical and clinical significance, and how to read a limitations section.  The people who are qualified to do so are peer reviewers... and in the case where those fail (which happens!), the rest of the writer’s peers.  And we do that.  Anything published is open to critique, which leads to the final point, that...

Point 5: Critique and Review are THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS of scientific publishing.  If a piece is published without review, it is called an “opinion” and not science.  Even more worrisome than the censoring of unpopular papers is the censoring of the opinions of scientists on the papers of their peers.  Should someone publish a paper where I believe they overstretched their claims, it is a HUGE part of my job to call that out.  For an agency like Twitter to be able to say “you don’t have the right to say that they overstated their claim, because expressing a concern about a vaccine is against our Terms of Use” is a very big problem for science.

The flipside is that you get into the part where now a company can, through its policy, dictate what science gets done.  For example, lets say I wanted to examine an unpopular question... and I’m a social scientist, so there are plenty of those, but say I wanted to do something semi-controversial but apolitical.  I’ll say my research question is “How do the happiness of those in committed multi-year polyamorous relationships compare to the happiness of people in similar economic and social situations but in closed marriages where additional intimate partnerships would be viewed as grounds for relationship termination?”  There are plenty of ways I could conduct this study and I’ll spare you my methodological musings, but safe to say there are platforms who would not want me to publish my results.  And that’s fine. 

But let’s say that I did publish my results, and a commenter took to Twitter.  And their response was “I read your paper, and I see your conclusion that those in committed multi-year polyamorous relationships score no differently on a happiness scale than those in the closed marriages.  However, I disagree with your use of this scale, because it was tested on populations of retirees, and most of the people in your sample are in their late 20s or early 30s.”

That is an EXCELLENT and VALID critique.  And let’s say that Twitter was heavily into the social justice and had a policy that said “you can’t say negative things about polyamory.”  And they deleted this person’s comment.  Now, Twitter has interfered with the scientific process.  That comment IS PART of the dialogue and that dialogue is part of Science.  Yes, there are other places that those comments could be made, and not be censored... but we should not be encouraging that censorship ANYWHERE.  And Twitter has vastly overstepped the line on this point.  Random Twitter employees have no business removing professional critiques about a study, even if there are other platforms for those critiques.

Other Thoughts

1) Generally, you can’t prohibit meetings in a public forum based on prior behavior.  Thus, “X group was violent in the past” is not a reason to prohibit X group from accessing a public forum for speech.  So there’s no saying “Proud Boys were violent once, so no Proud Boys on Twitter” if it were to be declared a public forum.

2) I’m really not aware of any large precedents for taking a private company and declaring it a public forum.  That may seem redundant (obviously, if there was precedent, this wouldn’t be such a hot-button issue), but it bears specific mention.

[technicolordeams]

So some things happened this past week since I wrote my last entry and I'm rethinking my stance on leaving or not. I was able to talk to the one girl who is befriending me and my pastor had a long talk about what makes me me and what I struggle with. I followed what my therapist told me to be which was to be more assertive. I felt very awkward and scared to do it but if I didn't, I'd end up right back where I was feeling anger and abandonment. So for now, I'm still on hold on what to choose to do.

But a couple other things popped up. Not too big but unsettling. My mind just blanked on one of them so I'll just type about the one that's stuck out the most to me right now since it happened literally within the past hour.

So obviously I have problems eating enough to keep my weight stable, let alone gain any without a LOT of work. I've been struggling with it since my gallbladder decided to take a shit on me and demand to be removed which happened on my birthday. During that time I started getting suicidal again and I hadn't dealt with those intense emotions regarding it in several years. But since December it decided to rear it's ugly head and bite into me as hard as it could ever since. It's been 8 months now with very little improvement. And during that time span my health has tanked. I developed breathing problems after my surgery which was horrific enough as it was (imagine not being fully awake but aware that you are out of control of your body and unable to utilize your coping techniques. Just like having a massive panic attack like seizure feeling but you are barely able to be aware of anything besides the viceral fear and blackness because I couldn't wake up. Just... Out of control. And you have no idea how long you were in that state before the nurse could sort of pull you out of it and even communicate more than like two words and slowly peek my eyes open a fraction. Yeah, that's what happened. I had major fear over that for at least a month. Sleeping was hard enough from the surgery and adding in that... Yeah no.) Anyways, since that started up and obviously after surgery it's hard to eat and stuff like that normally. But after the surgery I was (am) having breathing problems. I would have endless coughing fits that would even hit me and make me unable to take a full breath without coughing horribly whatever air I could get right back out. It also made me almost throw up several times (which is my biggest phobia that triggered my eating disorder to go out of control and send me into hospital stays and feeding tube hell). So at least I lost 10lbs since the surgery or even before that. I creep closer to 15lbs though most likely. I haven't been keeping track of it very much because of how much distress I've been dealing with. And I've been dealing with A LOT. Things I wonder if I will be able to get up from without more intense medical help that I probably can't get because of covid.

I've gone through several tests to see why I'm having coughing fits and every answer is that they don't see anything wrong. Well, the ENT appointment I went to the day before I went to see the pulmonary doctor really screwed me over tbh. The ENT doctor gave me steroids that day that I took that same night and told me that the pulls wouldn't affect the asthma test they were going to perform next day. It did. So I had to wait like two months before I could go back and be re-tested. But then covid hit and those practices have been closed ever since. So I can't get an accurate reading on what's going on. They did spot that I had some breathing abnormalities but because of the steroids, they couldn't say for sure. Mind you I had to literally book these doctor appointments and tell my dad you have to take me to these because he didn't think it was that important. Which has pretty much been like everything doctor related that has come up this past year. Just had to put my foot down and tell him I NEED to go to these and I'll be going whether you agree with me or not. Which adds to the distressed feeling and like I'm overreacting and being too paranoid or some shit. Also because I couldn't get actually tested for asthma properly, my regular doctor had to prescribe me with an inhaler but insurance won't help because I have not been diagnosed with it. So I had to cough up (almost literally) over a $100 for medicine that we don't know is right for me or not or whatever.. so that's like $60 every two months? Idk. Which is a lot considering I have a bunch of other bills to pay which includes when I got my wisdom teeth removed (ALL FIVEEE because I'm that extra) which cost $3,000. I have to pay my mom back for another at least year? I don't even know anymore at this point.

I've also been dealing with vision blackouts recently where I almost pass out when I get up here and there. My blood pressure tanked and went to like 70/52 and pulse all over the place. That's better now at least. Chronic fatigue, dehydration, can't sleep very well... Etc. Vitamin D and B12 are on the lower side of the normal range and my body isn't producing enough carbon dioxide.

Now along with all of this bag of shit, I have lost every friend I thought I had and the feeling that I can call anyone friend anymore. I am terrified of calling anyone a friend now because I am afraid that if I let someone in, I will be taken advantage of and lied to like I have in almost every type of relationship I've had since I was little. I am afraid of speaking because I am afraid what I say will offend or upset or whatever someone when all I do is mean well (usually unless you're an asshat). It has made me regress back to my childhood where I couldn't trust anyone and I had nobody except for a penpal on the east coast to keep me company through msn messenger, emails, or rarely phone calls. She was the only one I could call my best friend for a long time and the only one I could open up to about things and the only one who tried to consistently cheer me up when I was hospitalized at 16 by spamming me with emails. I will forever love her and no matter how far we've drifted apart over the years, I will still love her and respond to her as quickly as possible if she ever needed me again. But if we never talk again I'm okay with it. We were there for each other during really bad times in out lives and I like to think we kept each other somewhat sane. She has done more for me than I could ever ask anyone and I'll always be grateful to have "met" her.

But since all of the shit happened with my ex friends... I don't feel safe to get very close to anyone or open up to anyone. Even the girl who defended me and stuff when I was being bullied and manipulated hardly speaks to me now. I wouldn't want to talk to me very much either if all I had to talk about were extremely negative and talk about dying. I can hardly go to my parents about things. I am home alone with just my puppy that likes to get into mischief about 80% of the day. Hardly interact with people online. Usually I just now watch YouTube videos about what's going on with people. I find very little satisfaction playing video games or anything honestly. I have lost art, something that I loved dearly and way too much. I cannot go out most often due to my health. I am stuck at home. I can hardly go outside too. It's too hot (sometimes heat can trigger flashbacks), I found out I'm allergic to grass, and last week I broke out in hives from God knows what so I can't go outside even more. I was put on steroids again for 6 days which causes your immune system to weaken so it won't produce histamines that causes the INSANE itch because every topical and oral medicine OTC would barely help at all. All I do each day is very basic hygiene, sleep when I can, eat as much as I can, and try and relax while taking care of my puppy.

Only two good things has come from all of this: one, I can finally work with a trauma therapist. Hopefully she can help me. Two... Ah I forgot what the second one was actually. Maybe being able to talk to my psychiatrist more frequently? Not sure. I'm very tired right now again lol.

All I know is that I feel very much alone and there's nothing I can do about it. The world outside is extremely dangerous and I am trapped inside my mind too frequently. And there is no extra help I can get.

So all of this led up to my main grievance for today- so far at least lol long ass story to tell just to explain what I'm upset about. My mom earlier asked me if she could give me advice. I told her it depends on what it's about. But she said it anyways. Told me to check my weight each week. She knows I'm not in the most stable state of mind and she knows that me checking my weight constantly can cause a panic attack of it goes down. (thankfully it hasn't really in a month. Only reason why I know is because I had to go to my doctor's twice the past month) I told my dad what she said and he just told me to say okay and leave it at that.

I know I don't want to go back to the state I was in in 2017. I don't want to go through that hell again. Even if I did want to, there'd be way more restrictions with the threat of covid ravaging our place and infecting everyone there. When I pass the eating disorder clinic that I was forced in when I was 16, there is literally nobody there. Maybe a couple cars but they obviously are not treating kids right now. I may be wrong but it would be very dangerous. I know over at the ERC I went to in 2017 is extremely limiting any visitors from coming. The apartments when you graduate to living in temporarily while you go to just a day program only allow maybe two people to stay there at a time and instead of walking to the van pickup spot, they pick you up at your apartment. Psychiatric wards here, or at least one of them that my therapist and I talked about going to, is still slightly operational, but it's over Zoom. So you literally can't get very good support. If you fall off the deep end while at a meeting nothing can be done to help you right there and then if you run away from the meeting.

My psychiatrist told me that if I do feel that I'm in grave danger (I think the trauma therapist I met also said the same) was to go to the ER. But I am afraid to go to the ER and then be turned away quickly and also take a chance that I might catch Covid while there, not to mention the price... And since my parents are essential workers, any one of us could come down with it at any time or be a carrier without knowing. So I'm isolated from people in real life and I don't feel safe talking to anyone online as well. Even if I had someone who wanted to talk to me to begin with that isn't some creepy horny guy wanting pixel sex... I can't think of anyone who I could potentially talk to about anything in my life... I'm just so lost and afraid of both the virtual and real world... Who can I turn to besides my therapist, psychiatrist, or maybe parents depending on what is bothering me, and of course God? I'm told I need a support system. But I can only talk to the doctors so much and my parents aren't very good at being compassionate... I have no one.

I also think about how badly I want to be hospitalized for a little while just so I can get fluids and rest and proper care but that most likely will only happen unless suicide was a big risk.

I am utterly alone...

If anyone reads this long post to the end, you're a crazy human being. xD Going to stop rambling now and put the dishes away and put the pup away for his nap and try and get one in myself.

[hockeyandstuff91]

Fate And The Saint - Part 2

Word count: 3,957

Players: Brock Boeser, basically the whole canucks team lmao

Other people: Holly, Emma, the WAGS

Warnings: Cussing, mentions of cheating, mentions of abuse, I think that’s it

Authors Note: Ahh guys I’m so glad that you all like this story so far. It’s been nice to write a new idea and have a little bit of a different setting than my other stories. I hope you guys like this part, give me some feedback and let me know! Feedback keeps me motivated to keep writing <3

Part 1    Part 3

(Brooke’s POV)

The rest of the vacation had been pretty relaxing. Most of the time Brock and I just hung out on the beach, or Holly and I would go look around some of the cute shops in town. I tried to avoid places where I knew Brad would hang out, like clubs and the bars. We did run into him a few times, however thankfully he never came over or said anything to me. I imagined it probably had something to do with the fact that at any given moment there were at least 5 hockey players around me, insuring that he wouldn't come over.

I was sad to be leaving the warm sun, and beautiful beaches, but I was ready to go home. I just wanted things to go back to normal, however I knew that wasn't going to happen. I couldn't forgive what Brad did to me, and Brock wouldn't let me even if I wanted to anyways. I was glad that Brock was my best friend. I could never ask for a sweeter more caring person to be there for me.

Brock and I had kind of grown up together, our families were friends, so we would have cookouts together during the summer and go watch Brock's hockey games. Brock and I had drifted apart for a while during high school when he was super focused on hockey, which I understood because I knew he was going after his dream. My dad ended up getting transferred with his work up to Calgary at the end of our sophomore year. It sucked having to leave everyone behind, especially Brock even if we hadn't seen each other a lot.

A few years later when Brock was drafted to the Canucks I was so excited for him. I always knew that he would make it to the NHL, he was such a talented player. He didn't get to play until April of 2017, but his last game was going to be in Edmonton which was the next city over so it was perfect, I was going to be able to see my best friend play in the NHL.

After that game the only time I got to see him was on TV when I watched the games, or the few times that he would face time me after a bad loss. It wasn't until the next season in November when they played in Calgary that I got to see him in person again.

(Flashback)

"Brooke!" Brock smiled as he walked out of the locker room, hair still wet from the shower he took after the game.

"Brock!" I smiled and ran over to him, giving him a big hug. "Congrats on the win tonight. And for your first hat trick 3 days ago!" I smiled up at him as we pulled away from each other.

"Thanks," He smiled and grabbed my hand. "Let's go out and celebrate!"

I smiled and followed him out to the parking lot where my car was. I had missed this. Hanging out with my best friend, going out to celebrate a win for one of his games. We had only been 15 at the time but it felt like yesterday. Now here he was 20 years old and playing in the NHL, and I was still living at home with my parents. I was so happy for him getting to live his dream, and watching him do that was amazing.

"So where do you wanna go? This is your city, show me around?" Brock asked as he got into the car.

"Sure!" I smiled, backing out of the parking spot.

It was later that night, after Brock had asked me at least 5 times what was wrong. He could read right through me, always could. I finally had admitted to him that living at home was hell. I loved my family, but the fighting was getting to be too much. I avoided being home as much as I could.

"Brookie I don't want you to deal with that anymore."

"Brock I don't really have a choice. I don't make enough money to live on my own, and none of my friends here need a roommate so I'm out of luck," I shrugged, pushing the food around on my plate.

"I wish you would of told me this sooner," Brock sighed.

"Why? It's not your problem to worry about Brock, you have more important things to focus on."

"Brooke I care about you okay? I know we drifted apart a while ago but I still think about you all the time."

"I know Brock, I think about you too," I almost whispered.

"Let me help you. Please. I can now and I want to," He said firmly, but still soft.

I looked up at him not sure exactly what he meant by that. Almost like reading my mind he opened his mouth to speak before I even got the chance.

"Move to Vancouver. You can stay with Troy and I until we find you an apartment."

"Brock no-"

"Brooke I can't go home knowing what you have to deal with at home and do nothing about it. I have the ability to now let me do this, please."

"But why?"

"Because Brooke you are my best friend, I love you and I want you to be happy."

The situation at home had never been super amazing. My dad was always stressed with work, and we had all thought that stress would lessen when he got transferred, but honestly it only got worse. Brock use to listen to my rants back when we would hang out, so he knew what I dealt with. He had always promised me that he would get me out of that situation, but I never expected him to keep that promise.

It was another month before he finally convinced me to move. I didn't want to be a burden on anyone, or overstay my welcome. I also had expressed my worries about his girlfriend that was back home, not really sure how she would feel about this. He went so far as to call both of us so we could all three talk about it over the phone to make sure everyone was on the same page and okay with everything. Once that was all set the plan was for me to move in in January when the boys had a week off.

I stayed with the boys for about a month before finding a pretty good job in the city. It didn't fully pay the rent that I had at this apartment but Brock wouldn't let me say no to it. The deal he made with me, honestly the only way I would say yes to it, was he would only pay half until I found a roommate to take over. It was only another month after that when I finally found a roommate. We had been introduced at my first event with the company that I worked for, he was also new to the city, which was perfect because he was looking for a place to rent.

That "sweet" guy that I had met almost a year ago turned out to be Brad. We grew close while living together as roommates, which then turned into roommates with benefits, and then a relationship. He ended up getting a good foot in the door with a few different companies, making enough money to decide that we would leave our lease early and found a house that was rent to buy. Everything seemed to be perfect, up until that summer when we moved in and then I learned who the real Brad was.

(End Flashback)

"Brookie," Brock's voice whispered into my ear.

"Mmm?" I groaned, lifting the eye mask off my face, blinking at the change in lighting.

"We're home, we just landed."

I rubbed my eyes and sighed softly, pulling my eye mask off my head and shoving it into my backpack that was between my feet.

"How was your nap?" Brock smiled at me.

"Oh sh," I laughed and sat up straight.

We watched as people got up to get off the plane, waiting for them to get out of our way before us and the rest of the boys stood up.

"So I know you probably don't want to do this right after getting back from the trip, but I feel like the sooner the better, and then you wont have to deal with him being there."

Brock didn't even have to explain what he was talking about, I already knew. I just nodded as I followed him down the plane isle. After walking what felt like forever we finally reached Bo's car and all piled in. We didn't stop anywhere to drop anything off, we just headed straight to my, now old, house.

I gasped softly as I saw a moving truck already outside, and a bunch of the boys standing around, and sitting in the back of the truck. "Brock.. what-?"

"I told you the boys wanted to help. They all love you, always have. You're like a mom to half of them, and a sister to others," he chuckled.

I smiled at that and nodded as I climbed out of the car. I made my way over to them, everyone giving me a hug and telling me they were sorry I had to deal with this.

"We wont let him anywhere near you. Promise," Markstrom smiled down at me.

"Thanks Marky," I smiled back.

The thought of all the boys in their gear, lined up around the house, with Marky standing guard in the doorway made me giggle. I was glad they didn't do that because I would of died laughing, but I wouldn't of put it past them.

We spent the next two or three hours going into each room and clearing out the things that I had bought with my own money. Honestly a lot of it was mine, and I knew Brad was going to be livid when he got home. It had always been a source of argument between the two of us anyways, he would force me to spend my money on stuff for the house only, saying that he had spent all his savings for this place, even though I also had bills to pay too.

Finally they boys piled in the last piece of furniture into the moving truck. I had packed all of the things that I would want right away at Brock's place into the back of Jake's truck so that the rest, which he didn't have room for, would just go into a storage unit for now until I decided what to do with it all.

I looked at the house from the sidewalk and sighed. I hadn't even been here a full year yet but there were a lot of memories from in there. Some good, but a lot of bad. Honestly I wasn't really going to miss this house, just missed what I thought it would of been. I tossed my key onto the porch and got into the car next to Brock, Bo driving us to his house.

A group of the guys had all gone to the storage unit, which they had all chipped in to pay for a year in advance which I kind of yelled at them for, and by yelling I mean I told them they didn't have to do that and tried not to cry at how much love and support I was getting from this crazy hockey team. The rest of the guys followed us to Brock's house, the plan being the other half of the team would meet back here and we were going to have a team party. When we got here we found that the wives and girlfriends of the players, besides Holly who had been with us at the house, were all here making lots of really yummy looking food.

Once unloading the back of Jake's truck and packing everything into the spare bedroom which would become mine, I stepped in to help the girls finish cooking.

"Ah," Emma, Troy's girlfriend said swatting my hand away. "Go relax with the boys, we got this," she smiled at me.

Emma had been on the trip with us, so she knew what had happened. I looked around to all the girls who nodded, giving me sympathetic looks. I sighed and pushed backwards off the counter and turned to go into the living room where all the guys were hanging out.

I scooted my way in between people, plopping down in the one empty spot on the couch next to Brock.

Brock wrapped his arm around my shoulder, leaning closer to whisper, "how are you doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders, because if I was going to be honest with him like he wanted me to be, I really wasn't sure. I knew I would be fine, but right now it still sucked. I was glad to be surrounded by everyone I cared a lot about.

He nodded once and gently rubbed his thumb against my shoulder. I was glad that Brock was able to read and understand my physical cues well enough, especially in a situation like this, so I didn't have to talk about it in front of everyone. He let it go, knowing he could ask later on when everyone had left for the night.

Brock had kept a close eye on me all night, trying to figure out how I was doing without asking me too many times. I knew he was just trying to be there for me, but I didn't want to think about the situation anymore than my brain was already threatening to do already. Thankfully after the guys had eaten and their minds weren't stuck on food anymore, everyone split off into groups and were playing different games.

For the next few hours the house was full of laughter and fun. It was something I needed for a long time that was for sure. I was able to forget about all the bad shit for a few hours and just get to hang out with the team and their girls which was great.

Once the party was over with I was exhausted. From traveling all morning, to moving half a house worth of stuff, to being at the party with everyone, I could barely keep my eyes open. Brock noticed pretty quickly, only about 10 minutes into he movie we were watching.

"Hey, lets get you to bed," he said, standing up and walking down the hall towards my new room.

I yawned, getting up from the couch slowly, steadying myself before I started down the hall behind him. I could heart Coolie's dog tags jingle behind Brock's door

"Hey Coolie, why don't you sleep in Brooke's room tonight, I think she could really use your cuddles bud," Brock smiled and rubbed the pup behind his ears.

Coolie wagged his tail at his dad and pushed by him to follow me down the hall a bit and into my new room. It was right next to Brock's, the other spare bedroom holding the spare boxes of my stuff for the night. I planned on spending the next few days unpacking and organizing my stuff while Brock was busy was practice and getting ready for the game in a few days.

We said goodnight to each other, Brock asking for the 5th time if there was anything I needed before he went to his room for the night. I assured him that I was fine and gave him a quick hug before walking into my room and closing the door behind me. I changed into my PJs and opened the door a bit so that if Coolie wanted to get out at some point in the night he could.

I crawled into bed and pet Coolie for a few minutes before laying down. I grabbed my phone and decided to try and read a few chapters of the book that I gotten right before we went on the trip. I was hoping it would relax me enough to let me fall asleep easily, however that wasn't the case. Eventually setting the book down on my nightstand after not really being able to focus on it that well I decided to just try and force myself to sleep.

It had been at least an hour of tossing and turning. I could not get comfortable no matter what I tried. Coolie was a good sport about it, passed out at the end of the bed even though I kept moving. Eventually I curled up on my side, facing the wall and closed my eyes.

My mind continued to flash back to that night at the club, seeing Brad dancing all over that girl. I had frozen when I first saw it, the lights were low so I wasn't sure if it was really him or not. Their faces were everything but glued together while they danced. Once they finally had pulled away I could tell for sure it was him.

I opened my eyes when I felt Coolie inch his way up the bed, curling up in front of me. I hid my face in his fur as I let go the wall I had put up over the last half week. I had tried my best to keep a brave face on when everyone was around. I didn't want them to feel bad for me, I just wanted to move on. My body on the other hand knew that in order to move on I needed to cry this out.

I was glad for Coolie being there, he muffled my cries for the most part. I was pretty sure that Brock was asleep, so he wouldn't hear me through the wall, at least I hoped not. Out of anyone I didn't want to cry in front of Brock. He was the only one I would be comfortable to cry in front of, but I knew it would make him more mad at Brad and he would always be careful around me. I didn't want this situation to change how he treated me for the next two weeks while I dealt with this.

(Brock's POV)

I was about an hour into this movie and I honestly had no idea what had even happened so far. My mind kept wandering back to the trip, and the look on Brooke's face when she told me what happened. We had known each other for so long and she was, is, my best friend. I wanted to do nothing but protect her and I feel like this whole thing was my fault.

I knew realistically it wasn't, but if I had never suggested that she moved to Vancouver, she never would of met Brad, he never would of hit her that one time, and he never would of cheated on her. I groaned and tossed over to my other side. I knew Brooke would yell at me if she knew I was beating myself up over this, but how else was I suppose to feel?

There was no way in hell I was letting her leave here. I know she thought I was just going to let her stay here until she found a new place to live, but that wasn't what I was going to let happen. I couldn't see her going through all of that again.

I was ripped from my thoughts, hearing something through the wall. I sat up quickly and grabbed the remote, turning the volume all the way off, not that it was really on much to begin with. I listened closely, not hearing anything for a little bit. Maybe it had just been in the movie, but then I heard it again. It was a faint crying noise.

My heart immediately dropped, realizing that Brooke was crying. I sat there, leaning against the headboard not exactly sure what to do. I knew Brooke long enough to know that while I'm one of the only people she will cry in front of, she had been holding herself together the best she could around all of us. After that morning in the hotel room she didn't want to ruin anyone's time, or make anyone feel bad for her.

I sighed, rubbing my hand over my face and leaned my head back against the wall while I contemplated if I should go in there or not.

(Brooke's POV)

I sniffled, pulling back from having my face in Coolie's fur so I could wipe my cheeks. Coolie sat up, licked my face, and then hopped off the bed and nosed the door open. I sighed and pulled the spare pillow up to my chest and hid my face in that. I didn't blame him for leaving I wouldn't want to be here either while I cried all night.

I looked up, eyes puffy and blurry from the tears that kept streaming down my face. It had been another half hour since I last looked. I tried to steady my breathing but it just came in another wave as I forced my face into the pillow and tried to not cry out loud.

(Brock's POV)

My eyes opened as I heard my door moving. I didn't see Brooke standing there, my eyes traveling down to see that Coolie had opened my door.

"Bud, you're suppose to be keeping Brooke company," I whispered.

Coolie made his way over to the bed, jumping up half way so his front paws were on the bed. He pushed his nose against me and jumped back down, walking out of the door. I got up and walked to the door, looking down the hall and seeing that he was sitting outside of Brooke's door.

I smiled a bit, knowing that he was trying to get me to go in and see her. I walked down the hall, stopping a moment to pet him on the head.

"You're right bud I should go in there," I leaned down and kissed his head.

Coolie laid down in the hallway as I quietly walked into the room. I looked at the bed, my face falling as I could see her form shaking from crying but trying to be quiet about it. I made my way over to the bed and sat down behind her, moving the blanket out of the way before I crawled in behind her, wrapping my arm around her and pulling her close to me.

(Brooke's POV)

I jumped a bit when I felt an arm slip around me, figuring that the movement I had felt behind me was Coolie. I turned over a bit, looking over my shoulder and seeing that Brock was behind me and pulling me closer to him.

"Shh its okay," he whispered, wiping my cheeks.

I shook my head and turned so that I was facing him and pressed my face against his chest. I could feel his hand rubbing up and down my back as he made soft soothing noises above me. My breathing slowly started to even out as the crying faded away.

"You're okay," Brock whispered as he pressed a kiss to the top of my head. "I wont let anything bad happen to you again I promise," he said softly.

I finally had calmed my breathing, my body now exhausted from the emotions pouring out of me. I nuzzled closer to Brock and closed my eyes, fully expecting the scene to be replaying in my mind again, but there was nothing. It was okay this time. I relaxed into Brock and held onto him as I finally slowly fell asleep.

[bryanfaganlaw]

College expenses for the children of divorced Texas parents

If you have need a best suitable service your Child Law experience, College expenses for the children of divorced Texas parents with the great process!

Family Attorney Houston: When we talk about college expenses what exactly do we mean by that term? Tuition for attending classes at a college or university is probably the first thing that most of us think about. Room and board, transportation costs, health insurance, food, rent, and “fun” are all relevant topics to include when considering college expenses. All of these aspects of college life can create a very expensive situation for parents who are in many ways expected to foot the bill for these expenditures- either through taking out student loans in their own names or by saving up money and paying cash.

If you are going through a divorce then you may be wondering just how your case and decision to separate from your spouse will impact your child’s ability to have the same college experience as his or her peers. In today’s blog post from the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC we will discuss this topic in greater detail. Now is the time of year that colleges will send out acceptance letters to students that applied in the fall semester. I can’t think of a better time to run through some issues related to college expenses for divorced parents.

What does the law in Texas hold for divorced parents in regard to paying for college?

Divorce Attorneys in Houston: In your reading through past blog posts of the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC you have likely become familiar with the standard that your family law court or any other family law court would utilize to make decisions in regard to issues facing your child: the best interests standard. It is a largely subjective standard that allows judges wide latitude in regard to determining what is in your particular child’s best interests. A judge would look to your child’s physical, emotional and mental needs to make this determination.

What your child’s needs are at age 7 are different than what your child’s needs are at age 17. That goes without saying. What we do know is that you are only obligated to pay child support for your child through their 18th birthday or their graduation from high school, whichever occurs later in time. There are no laws on the books in Texas that require you as a divorced parent to pay for college expenses for your child who is over the age of 18.

Is a college degree in the best interests of your child?

Houston Divorce Attorneys: On its face, this would seem to be an easy question to answer. We’ve all heard the various statistics that have been much discussed for a generation, about how a college graduate is likely to earn “X” amount of dollars more than a person with only a high school education. In addition to the increased earning potential, college life is said to offer students a chance to grow and develop socially. The College Experience is something that we have all been told is essential to our development as Americans.

What I would offer to you in the year 2019 is that acollege degree may not be worth what it once was. Bear in mind that the costs of attending college have increased steadily and more and more people have shown a willingness to pay for that service. The rub is that the payments being made for tuition and the other costs of college have come by and large through the taking out of significant student loans. Both parents and students have taken out loans in order to facilitate the college experience/educational experience that has been ingrained into our psyches. The result can be disastrous if the debt cannot be repaid due to there being insufficient return on the investment in the form of a good paying job.

This is the philosophical discussion that a judge or you and your child may have. The trouble when you consider that your child is the child of a divorce is that your child will likely be over the age of 18 by time he or she attends their first days of college. By definition your child is no longer a “child” as defined by the Texas Family Code. As such, no mandate can be included by a judge in your Divorce Decree that forces you, your ex-spouse or both of you to pay for your child’s college expenses.

A final issue that has become more and more prevalent in our clients and in communities around our country is that children are remaining at home longer than ever before. This puts both parents and children in a unique position. As a parent, you are having to continue to support your children in many ways (even if they are only small costs) as far as providing a roof over their head, food, clothing, etc. if your children decide to continue their education after college rather than enter the workforce. This puts at least a small strain in your family budget that you may not have anticipated years ago when you went through your divorce.

The other side of the coin is that by remaining at home, your child may not be able to readily enter the workforce once their education is complete. The big question is: if you and your spouse are not yet divorced, how can you take these circumstances into account so that your divorce decree reflects the possibility of these events occurring in your own life?

Anticipate and mediate these issues before it is too late

Divorce Attorneys Houston: If you and your soon to be ex-spouse are in a financial position where you are able to pay for your children’s college education, or anticipate being able to do so, it is sensible to memorialize this arrangement in your final decree of divorce. Many parties to divorce will include a section on this agreement in their decree.

My real advice would be to not rely on any verbal promises or assurances provided to you by your spouse that he or she will definitely pay for college (or do anything else for that matter). This is a nice sentiment but you need to get that promise into writing as a part of your divorce decree. If you don’t do so and your spouse goes back on their word in the future you will be kicking yourself.

Another consideration that you have to make in this regard is what may be an option today is not an option tomorrow. Consider- what if your spouse remarries quickly as has step-children to support in addition to your child? Maybe that promise is not practical or possible for your spouse given their new reality. Your best bet it to get this assurance in writing in your divorce decree. Next, you can consider what schools your child can reasonably attend without bankrupting you and your spouse. School choice is the a factor that students do not consider and parents often times ignore in favor of doing what they feel like their child “wants.”

The bottom line is if you and your spouse are able to come to a reasonable agreement on future college expenses in mediation and that agreement is inserted in your final decree of divorce it is likely that the provision would be enforceable should you or your ex-spouse violate that order years down the line. If you agree upon a division of cost sharing or an amount that each of you will be expected to make available for college expenses I cannot conceive of many ways that an agreement of this sort would be determined to be unenforceable.

Finishing up a discussion on college expenses and divorce in tomorrow’s blog post

Divorce Attorney in Houston: We will pick up with this topic in tomorrow’s blog post and then continue on with the topic we left off with yesterday- child support. In the meantime if you have any questions for the attorneys with the Law Office of Bryan Fagan, PLLC please contact us today. We offer free of charge consultations six days a week with a licensed family law attorney. Our office takes a great deal of pride in representing the people that live in our community and we would be honored to speak to you about your case and to answer any questions that you may have ... Continue Reading

[acs0qbzk-blog]

Health insurance system in Belgium?

Health insurance system in Belgium?

Hello All, I am looking to relocate in Belgium and I have a question. Can anyone help me please: Is there a knee cartilage transplant surgery covered by the health insurance in Belgium, or I would need to pay it myself? How about an arthroscopy just to clean the joint of loose bodies? Many thanks!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :tipsinsurance.xyz

SOURCES:

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[blandmemoirs]

"How have you been?"

To put it simply, exhausted

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I can't fall asleep and stay asleep, instead I sleep for few hour intervals before darting awake in the middle of the night or early morning. Usually three times each night. This has been a pattern for a few weeks now. I've had a mixed bag of dreams that will be worthy posts elsewhere. Some really good, others really bad. And I think that's how my life has been as of late. I do fun things and have a great day and then I get home and feel myself will with dread or longing. I don't have much to long for, but I just feel alone in my day to day. Even though there's not an hour that passes when someone hasnt demanded my attention, I still feel as if I'm drifting through this time in my life by myself. I feel like I'm stuck in my own head, talking to people has been harder as of late. Opening up and telling people how I feel has felt draining or tiresome. I feel like I'm worthless and some voice in me is echoing for a sweet release. It says "please let me die". Of course, I won't be doing that. Ive got too much to live for. Ive got people to help and care for. Ive got a legacy to build and jobs to do. My life cant end here, and wont end here. But something inside me just don't feel right and I dont know what to do about it. I think its just because my life has hit a point of stagnation at the moment. All my friends are busy and doing things with them is becoming more of an every now and then kind of thing instead of everyday. I feel like I'm waiting and waiting and waiting but the results won't be arriving anytime soon. I know what I want to do with my life and what I want to be and what I want to make, but I figured it out too early and everyone is going to keep me waiting until they figure it out themselves. I'm patient, but I'm oh so exhausted of feeling so alone.

The world threw a curveball my way the other weekend. I had my first major death in the family and my first car accident. In that order. I dont think they are related but my focus was definitely strained when I was on the road. The death was our beloved housecat, Midnight. She was black, rather small, and super soft. She was feisty at times and loved to run around the house and lay on warm things. Her meow would melt your heart. She, like all our pets, was a rescue. We got her after she was found to be clinging for life to my Father's old truck. He believed she might have followed him all the way from work. She was super tiny then. Our second cat in the house, after Stinky Pete. The third was my orange baby, Jackle. Before we got her fixed she would have her period and be extra moody, usually meowing into the late hours of the night. She waa my dad's cat first and foremost. Always in his lap. Always bugging him. Its natural seeing how he rescued her. Her favorite place to go was the garage, where it was cool or warm and felt the most like being outside. Of all our cats, midnight wanted to leave the house the most. She would always be near windows, especially when they were open. It makes sense considering the earliest parts of her life were spent that way. She was also always affected by fleas the worst. There was a time she lost patches of hair from the bugs. She was most grateful when we eventually adopted flea collars for the kitties. The last year or so she developed a nasty growth on her belly, and it would often pop and bleed. My parents, never having the money for a veterinarian, would just let her pick at it and hope it would go away. It never did. Then last week I recieved a text from my mother saying that they had her put down. I don't know the specifics, its not something I want to ask. What I know is that she had cancer that developed into a heart mur mur. My mom was with her when it happened. My dad said he couldn't be there. He wanted to, but just couldn't. That's incredibly tragic, conaidering she was his cat, but I understand that mix of emotions that kept him away. Shes buried by the garage, her favorite place. My mom said it was one of the hardest things shes had to do in her adult life. I dont think any of us were ready to see Mini go like that. My dad is going to make a tombstone and put a pot of roses by it. That little ball of fur will be dearly missed when I return home. I'm left wondering how the other animals in the house feel, if they even understand that their sister is gone. My dad told me today that Domino, our boxer dog, and Stinky Pete, the old man fat cat of the house most likely know. Stinky has always been oddly empathetic for an animal, his eyes sometimes seem human in how he expresses himself. As such they are all comforting my dad. He says he doesnt spend a minute without them bugging him, and normally he hates that, but hes letting them grieve and doing so himself. My Jackle cat is not the brightest thing, hes just supporting Stinky Pete my dad says. I would expect that. Those two are very close to each other. I've really missed my cat and want to bring him with me to my next place, but I dont think I should seperate him and Stinky at this point. It wouldn't be fair. All in all, Midnight "Mini" Bland was a sweetheart of a kitty and gave us no bad luck despite her fur's reputation. She will be missed and forever loved. She is family, even if it took until now for my parents to admit that. Rest easy.

The car accident was a product of wet roads, traffic, and poor luck. Some dude cut us off and we both slammed on our brakes but I rear-ended the dude in front of me from hydro-planing. It wasnt soft, but it wasn't hard enough to do any real damage to our cars. We both pulled over and traded the important info, took pictures, all the formalities. There was barely noticeable cosmetic damage to his car, and maybe a bump and scratch on my end but I'm not sure if those were already there or not. I bought my car used with a few bumps and scratches. Its personality. Dude was polite and patient. Said he will keep insurance out if I just foot the bill for his paint scratches, assuming he doesnt find more damage later. It being the night in a poorly lit city like Austin, it makes sense he didnt promise me anything until hes seen the sunlight. Said he'd text me in a week or two depending on his schedule. I hope he remains as respectful a guy when I hear from him. I really don't want to work the extra hours to pay for a heightened insurance over something as weak as that. But that's all for the future.

Writing, or I suppose typing, has been very therapeutic for me. I think I've gotten all the thinga bugging me out of my head for now. Time will tell. I'm going to start a storytime series on this blog soon, recounting different life stories that have impacted me or changed the way I am. Y'know, actual memoirs. Hahaha. Thanks to the few who read. You are the most important friends I have and I love you all.

[mihoandjazz-blog]

Anxiety

When you’re an adult.

When you’re an adult you have responsibilities – and this isn’t a bad thing.

Because you’ve had a good upbringing you’ve had, a wonderful childhood filled with wild adventures watched over by parents who understood you needed some freedom, but also a safe place to come back to when things got too hard.

Because you’ve been instilled with the kinds of values that make for a good person by those parents and the other adults who helped you grow – grandparents, aunts and uncles, teachers.

And you’ve been taught your options and how to make new ones, what to do when things go wrong, how to problem solve, manage, be resilient.

You’re told to ignore mass media’s terrible messages designed sell products through crushing self-esteem, and you know you’re worth just as much as a person whether you buy that new lipstick or those brand-named shoes.

 This plus that equal this.

Eat healthy equals healthy life.

Save money equals being able to buy the things you want.

You get a car, you drive safely.

You buy a house, you have a mortgage.

You insure.

Dogs, two of them so they don’t get lonely while you work.

 But it’s not that simple, because not every darkness can be banished by the logic of switching on a light. Not every feeling has a name others will be familiar with, if you can articulate it at all – and there isn’t always a way to rationalise why the things you’ve always done so easily, even the things you’ve loved, are suddenly so difficult.

 It’s like being buried alive, but your body is what’s suffocating you.

You don’t want to take the pills you’re given because that’s admitting defeat and weakness - and I’m not, I’m not weak, but I’m sitting here sobbing because the idea of putting pants on is overwhelming.

And it’s not that I don’t want to tell others I’m struggling because I’m ashamed – I’m not – I just don’t want to burden them with something they cannot fix, because the people who love me will want this fixed.

 So tell me how to fix this. Tell me to breathe when I’m in full panic, heart pounding and flooded with adrenaline over the sound of water dripping outside. Tell me to distract myself with number games, with puzzles and colouring inside the lines. Tell me to see a professional who can help, but if they can help, why am I still crying when everything in my life is fine?

 No danger.

No trauma.

No trigger.

 And that’s why it’s so insidious. It’s not unhappiness like something bad has happened and I need to be cheered up, and it’s all the more acute when I realise the longer I stay like this, the greater the chances danger, trauma, and triggers will appear.

 If I’m shaking in my bed at the idea of sitting up, how the hell can I work? Pay my bills? Feed my dogs? How do I not become a weight on my parents who have already given me so much?

 It’s a terrible conundrum, and in that state feeling buried by this invisible, internal force no strategy I possess can combat, it is easy to fall complete prey to the hopelessness, the powerlessness, and when it swallows you entirely you die.

 That’s when people take their own lives.

 But, the thing is this.

 The people who truly love you may not understand, or even have the ability to understand – like my mother – but all they need is to be told what to do. I’m not talking about what they can do to fix the problem because if it’s out of my hands, it’s sure as hell out of theirs; what I mean is, tell the ones who love you what they can do for you now.

 ·      Please do the laundry that’s piling up, so I can sleep on fresh sheets – fresh sheets are my number one for ‘the world is too painful for me to leave bed right now’ situations.

·      If you wouldn’t mind, could you grab me some essential groceries? Because I can’t face supermarkets and shopping carts that won’t go in straight lines, and sixty-year-old rednecks in short-shorts with five bare-foot, snot-nosed children running wild in the dairy section.

·      Please drive me to the doctor’s, because if one more cunt cuts in front of me I’m going to cut someone.

·      Just sit in this room and let me cry until I’m exhausted, and when I’m exhausted give me a hug – because sometimes a good cry is what I need to let out all my angst, but I’m afraid if I do it alone it will sweep me away and I won’t be able to find my way back.

 These are not unreasonable things to ask of the ones who care for you, the people for whom you wellbeing matters; and no matter how loud that voice in your head or heart gets ranting on about how you should be big enough now to sort your own shit out, some shit just defies sorting.

And our hand might shake as ee stare down at our phone, fingertip hovering above the call button for our parents, or partner, bff, sibling or even a help hotline, but all we have to do is let gravity draw that finger down to touch that button… and we can do that, because we know what being dragged down is like.

 Then there’s a voice you can’t answer because you’re choking on sobs, but it’s the voice of someone who will get in their car and drive across the city to save you… even from yourself… because they love you that much.

_______

 I still suffer from anxiety. Blindsides me, but I’m managing – some days better than others - because I talk to the people around me and tell them how I feel.

 And if you have no one else to tell… you can tell me.

- B

[fordarkisthesuede]

At the Brink of Midnight - Chapter 11

IT’S FINALLY HERE! REJOICE!!!

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Important Spoiler Tags:  past suicide attempt (mention), death (mention)

(Read on Ao3 or Continue Below:)

Chapter 11:  A Laughing Matter

The ride to Jackie Lant’s apartment was fast and quiet. Bruce wasn’t sure why, as John had a tendency to talk a lot when they were riding around before, and would talk about almost anything.

John was mulling over something, and when asked, John had shrugged and said “just some things”.

Like Bruce couldn’t worry over a response like that. He figured it had to have been what happened at the Main Street Diner. John’s street make-up was back on, and done just as impeccably this time, but with the addition of heavy black eyeliner, so it wasn’t as if he’d left in a rush.

Jackie’s apartment was high up in a building that had definitely seen better days. The neighborhood wasn’t one of the best, either – Bruce had visited it many times, always late at night, and he was sure he’d been on the other side of the apartment building on a case long, long ago.

They entered through the rooftop door, which it seemed no one had bothered to lock. (Not that Bruce was surprised – he was the only one in the city who made a habit of flying roof-to-roof, and anyone who walked up to any building’s roof at night was up to nothing good ninety-five percent of the time. Raids by blimp or helicopter were few and far between, thankfully.)

“Kind of reminds me of Arkham,” John (no, Joker, they were outside together) commented in a hushed voice as he shook the rainwater off his borrowed fedora. The stairwell was vaguely reminiscent of the asylum’s, but rather than white-washed brick, it was bare and aged, and it didn’t have the large glowing florescent lights hanging on the walls. There was just a small light in the middle of the staircase leading down.

“Her place is just on the fourth floor,” Bruce said, leading the way with light steps. He was always careful about stairs; he never knew if someone was sitting below a set.

The metal door leading into the hallway was lighter than it looked. Peeling red wallpaper greeted them, and the dark wooden floor had seen better days, but it wasn’t the worst apartment building Bruce had ever set foot in. It’d be a four out of ten, if he was feeling generous… The water stains on the ceiling certainly detracted from that generosity.

“If I hadn’t been spoiled by your place, I’d say this was pretty nice,” John muttered, grinning over at Bruce.

Bruce bit back the comment that it was only because John had no decent standard of living, and gave a very small smile in return. He remembered the little place John had made for himself back at the Old Five Points – the Ha-Hacienda, as he had called it. He’d taken what was a run-down little shack and thrown his heart into it, putting up pictures and lights like it was a real home.

He’d tried going back there the day after John had fallen off the bridge, but John had somehow managed to smuggle most of his things out of there to one of his friend’s places, and now they were impossible to find. It hurt to think about.

Jackie Lant had the corner apartment, overlooking the back. Working the lock-picks in the door took so little time Bruce found himself thinking he should find a way to pressure someone into making a policy that apartment managers had to upgrade their client’s locks every few years.

The beam of light stretching in from the hallway cast his shadow over the place, but he could already see it was much homier than Dr. Crane’s, despite it being smaller than Bruce’s master bedroom.

He stepped inside, John (Joker) following him and immediately making a line for the dresser. Bruce decided to look elsewhere.

Posters were plastered and pinned all over the walls, most of which were for movies or famous plays. There were also over a dozen flyers mixed in, like those handed out for amateur gigs, and they all seemed to be for copyright-infringing shows at Gotham University or South End High School; the dates were in line with Jackie’s educational attendance.

There was a cheap wire shelving unit holding all matter of things – books, DVDs, and bits of décor that almost all looked like they came right out of the Halloween section of a D.I.Y. store. Casting a look over at the bed (it didn’t have a frame, it was just two mattresses piled on top of one another, but was a bed) told him it wasn’t just a seasonal thing, either; there were two different pumpkin-shaped cushions and the blanket on top was patterned with smiling jack-o-lantern faces.

At least she had a variety of different tastes:  romance, fantasy, popular YA literature, used psychology textbooks… There were some horror novels in the mix, but it looked more…pulpy than anything. Her little movie collection had a few of the same titles as Crane’s, too, but they looked to be either from the more popular franchises or cheesy b-movies.

Bruce cast a look at the kitchen unit – nothing spectacular, but he should go through the cupboards, just in case she’d hidden anything in there…

“Bats,” Joker called, frowning at the strung-up photos in front of the desk on the back wall, “can your gadgets scan faces?”

“Something like that,” Bruce answered, stepping towards him. Some photographs were placed directly above the desk, adjacent to the window surrounded by string lights with jack-o-lantern faces. They were hung up by laundry clips on wire wrapped around a combination of nails and tiny peel-and-stick hooks. Looking at them made Bruce think of John’s photos, all arranged in a smiley-face wherever he went.

The pictures were all group photos, varying in age, and it didn’t take a genius to notice that the last several pictures all held the same people, but dwindling in number. Bruce clicked a button on his visor, and waited as the Batcomputer scanned the faces he honed in on and ran through its database of connections to news and GCPD files. Jackie Lant was easily recognizable, due to her curly red hair, but in a few pictures she was very young. The oldest photo was just of her and another little girl, looking up into the camera with the sort of wide-eyed innocence that only children could really have.

He checked his gauntlet, and decided to go from the bottom to the top.

Richard Seed, deceased.

Zoe Smith, deceased.

Angela Maynard, deceased.

Deceased, deceased, deceased. It was just one after another, two of which happened one month apart, and half of the death records were pulled from the GCPD – car accidents, crossfire shootings, muggings gone wrong... The earliest death was almost fifteen years ago, when a missing girl was found wrapped in a rug by a dumpster.

Bruce cast a look back at the photo of the seven-or-eight-year-old Jackie Lant, and remembered her mention of how the formative years played a lot into one’s psyche.

The only people left alive came from the middle bunch of photos:  Dean Norton, who still lived in Gotham, and Veronica O’Reilly, who hadn’t lived there for a little over a decade. Dean showed up in only one photo near the end of the bunch, too, where he was with three other people who had passed away within the last four years.

Bruce thought back to the list of contacts she had on her FriendBook. He didn’t remember seeing any R.I.P. posts or anything like it in her timeline, but he’d checked out the people she contacted most on there, and none of them were dead… “Have you seen any other photos?”

“Just two on her dresser – pretty sure it’s her parents and… I dunno, an older guy, so maybe an uncle?”

“I’m beginning to think you were right,” Bruce grumbled, clicking off the scanning feature in his cowl, “Jackie Lant’s current friends might not really be friends. Almost all the people shown here are dead.”

“Yikes,” Joker winced, “and I thought I had it bad, with most of mine in jail…”

“Did you find anything in the dresser?”

“A few spare bullets and a box of condoms. You know, the essentials,” he joked.

Bruce cast a look down at the desk. A laptop and a tray of loose papers. “Check the closet. If she hid Crane’s stuff here, the only spot left is there or the kitchen.”

“On it,” Joker said confidently, swinging open the flimsy panel doors behind them. “Though I would think I’d scatter them all over the place… You know, put the drive in a bag and tape it inside the toilet tank. That kind of thing.”

Bruce flicked through the pile of paper – mostly the bills for rent, insurance, and student loans, at least two of the latter bearing ‘OVERDUE’ stamps. “Then check there, too. Follow your instinct.”

“Ha ha, okaaayyyy,” John drew out quietly, shifting through a pile of clothes. Jackie seemed to prefer yellows and reds; Bruce remembered her work clothes looking rather nice, and wondered if she hadn’t spent more money on them than anything else.

Bruce opened the laptop on her desk, mindful of the speakers she had plugged into it knocking over the well-loved stuffed cat sitting there. The lock-screen was password-protected and the hint was “check the handbook”.

Handbook…? Hadn’t he seen something with that?

Bruce returned to the shelf – The Handbook for the Recently Deceased sat next to an empty candlestick holder molded in the shape of a raven.

Sure enough, it was a blank journal with a list of contact information (birthdays and death dates were listed, too, much to Bruce’s surprise) and passwords to different sites – banks, her social media, and even a bloggr account – with the laptop’s password written on a sticky note in the front:  Pumpk1nPr1nc355.

“Hey, Batman, I found somethiiing,” Joker called, tugging out a heavy-looking lock-box. “Hidden right under the loose floorboard, how cliché… Ooh, you looking into her laptop?”

“I figured it might give an insight into her, if she didn’t have Crane’s work copied onto it.”

“Right. You look at that, I’m going to poke around her bathroom for a key to this thing.”

Bruce wanted to question that, but Joker left without another word, a confident smile on his lips.

Jackie Lant’s laptop hummed to life. It seemed it had been in hibernation mode – her browser was still open to her email.

Bruce read through the headers:

New post from Batman Watch

New post from Gotham-Sucks

[!] Application for job #P283451

[!] Application for job #E7990S2

We’re sorry to inform you that your…

New post from Gotham-Sucks

RE:  St. Mary’s Mental Ward Position...

RE:  Hopkins Mental Clinic application

BatmanChick96 replied to your post

[!] Application for job #8714E03

Bruce could deduce without even opening any of them that the application notifications were rejections. Judging by the bloggr notifications, she was likely trying to leave the city. Scrolling down further and seeing the list of rejected applications amidst the odd bank statement and old blog notifications told him she’d been trying to do leave Gotham for months.

That explained why she wanted to steal Crane’s work – she must have figured that she could take it and run out of the city, publish it with her name attached, and make something out of it. In her mind, he supposed, she had bills to pay and not much to lose.

He opened her file browser; thankfully it looked like she was the type to keep all her files fairly organized. There was what looked like a folder for her old school documents, a folder for her Arkham internship-employment, tax folders… A quick search said the only thing with Crane’s name in it was a term paper on Working Through Grief and some copies of his work, though they weren’t opened in over a year.

Looking under her recent files, she had a video labeled with a date from several days ago, and she did have a webcam… Maybe she was the type to vlog.

“Whelp, nothing in there… What’d you find?” Joker asked, coming to stand behind Bruce and lean on the back of the rolling office chair.

“Hopefully, a video log.”

“Well press play, then! Maybe she’ll just tell us where she stashed Crane’s stuff. I’m going to be mad if it’s not in that safe…”

Bruce double-clicked the video dated several days ago.

Jackie Lant sat in front of the desk, pushing back the laptop screen until she was entirely in view. She threaded her fingers together under her chin, on level with her hair, and and gazed right at the camera with an intense focus as she breathed deep.

“Normally, I try not to talk too openly in these sessions, in case I have one of those Agents monitoring me like everyone seems to think we do, but just in case I fail miserably, or Professor Crane decides to bury me in his backyard, I want to say something. I’m probably going to regret this video later… Then again, if everything works out, I’m going to delete this and pretend it never happened anyway.”

Jackie shrugged, folding her arms on top of her desk.

“There’s…no going back for me, now. I had to keep telling myself that if I did… If I did, then I might as well just throw myself off of the bridge tomorrow. I’m in too deep. I know too much. I’ve…seen too much.”

The young woman scowled slightly down at her hands.

“I can’t pretend that I’m not going to regret anything. I already regret a lot. I don’t think I’d be at this point if I’d chosen a theater major,” she said with a slight hint at a smile. “But in case something happens, I just really want to say – I’m the one who tried to kill Dr. Jonathan Crane, and stole all of the research that would’ve given evidence pertaining to his unethical experiments at Arkham Asylum. I’m hoping someone will find his bloated corpse floating around the docks or face-down in a pool of his own blood in the street,” she continued with a nasty curl of her lip that lasted all but a couple of seconds. “If not, then I failed, and I’m probably dead already, either by Dr. Crane himself, or Bruce Wayne, for taking advantage of him like I am tonight. I wouldn’t blame him for it, honestly…” She looked down, regret flashing in her eyes. “He and I both have mobster blood in us, I’d be surprised if he didn’t want to kill me for letting his friend get hurt and not doing anything to stop it… It’s what Great-Uncle Finger would do.”

Jackie looked back up at the camera, sincerity peeking through a steely gaze.

“But I am sorry to whoever might get caught in the middle. I hope there’s none, but… If I could see the future, then I would’ve swallowed that bottle of ibuprophen years ago.”

The video cut out after a moment, and Joker immediately leaned over Bruce to click through the video folder, his eyes shining in the light of the bright screen. “She’s got to have more. Something,” he muttered, and promptly played a video dated nearly six weeks ago in a folder marked “personal vlogs”.

The first thing Bruce noticed was that Jackie still had her long ponytail, giving credit to the date on the filename. The second detail was that she looked rather conflicted, even as she just sat there hugging herself in her jack-o-lantern blanket.

“I had…an epiphany, last night. I normally would’ve done this when I got home, but… I couldn’t. I was too… I’m not sure. Not scared… Bewildered, I guess is the right word. Dr. Crane invited me over to his house again, yesterday. I thought, ‘yeah, last time was nice, despite the talk about death in the middle, why not’? It was okay, at first. You know, home-made pumpkin spice lattes, catch-up about how I’m doing, gossiping about patients’ sessions I have to sit in on… And then we got onto the topic of Gotham, somehow. I think I asked him why he stayed here, since he had the means to leave, and he just…”

She was half looking into the camera with general disbelief.

“He said he liked it. He thinks all the general misery is fun to study. I didn’t know what else to say to that, so I tried to change the subject, and asked what he thought of Batman, because…I mean, what normal person doesn’t like him, right? And he thinks he’s fascinating. Or…really, he thinks the effect Batman has on the city is fascinating. He thinks the way criminals fear him is interesting. So… I just said, ‘yeah, that makes sense, you like studying human behavior around fear, don’t you?’”

She got quiet, but stared dead at the camera.

“He lit up at that. Like, the happiest I think I’ve ever seen him. He actually smiled a little,” she pressed, leaning forward to emphasize her point before sitting there with her arms on the table. “So, I figured that had to be good. We talked about his work for a really long time - I still remember going through bits of it at school, and I did genuinely like his stuff, so he walked me through his last one, and I guess I said something right, because… He said he was testing something special for his current research, and he asked what my worst fear was.”

She paused and sat up straight, crossing her arms again.

“I mean, I’m not stupid enough to ask why. I can guess why. So I told him my old one so it’d be believable. And he just looks at me and says ‘So imagine I can manifest those roaches before your eyes. What would you do?’” She phrased in a fairly good imitation of Crane’s pitch, “I said I didn’t know; probably squish as many as possible while screaming my head off, and he…he just said, ‘Yes, that’d be interesting, wouldn’t it?’”

She stared down at the surface of the desk, almost in awe.

“And I just… I just realized, right there, that he was making something to do that to patients. I never asked him about what he did in sessions, but… I’m allowed to peek at almost everyone’s notes to look at the progress of certain patients, and it just…hit me. He’s why some of them are regressing.”

She was quiet for a minute, only shifting to get comfortable again, and staring out the window by the desk.

“And I couldn’t help but think, ‘that IS interesting’. I thought that, and I meant it, and I hate that I thought it at all. And… I know that secret, now. I have to carry it around with everything else.”

Jackie stared a little longer, first out the window, then at her desk, and then she swiveled the chair and moved to click the mouse with an irritated scowl.

“Fuck it.”

That was certainly enlightening… Bruce had wondered how Jackie had developed the idea to steal his research – she’d apparently known for weeks already, before she’d reached out to him days ago and asked for his help. He wouldn’t have been surprised if it was her who had prevented him from seeing John, solely to drum up his suspicion and get him invested in her idea of helping her steal Crane’s files.

(Though he couldn’t see her knowing everything else in-between. There was no way she knew he stole Crane’s fake drugs from the lab, or that they would walk right by John that day, or that John would break out of his cell at all.)

John was already clicking to another video, a determined frown on his long face.

“Joker, that’s enough,” Bruce said, moving to stop him, but Joker was just fast enough to start a new one, dated almost four weeks ago, and it caught his attention enough that he let John’s hand go.

Jackie Lant faced the webcam with her head in her hand, taking deep breaths, and on the third, she turned her gaze to the window to her side.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I really, really, don’t.”

The look in her eyes was furious, despite her relatively flat expression.

“I hate it when people say it’s ‘the little things in life’ – they always mean ‘oh, life’s not so bad, just look at this fucking rainbow’, like that will make everything better for you,” she grumbled, turning to look at the camera. “It’s like, ‘hey, you ever see a guy get stabbed in the middle of the road? Just fucking stabbed? And you’re in your car, you have to keep driving, because you’ll be penalized for being late to work, and if you go out there and try to do something about it, you’ll be stabbed, too. And you have to just…pretend like you didn’t see anything. That everything is perfectly fine. It’s just…a little thing,’” Jackie finishes, a lopsided smile tugging on the corner of her mouth for a moment, and then it faded into a flat line. “I tried texting Dean about it, since he was there when Michelle got killed, and he just… He said ‘that’s how life is around here, you gotta be tough’.”

Jackie stared at the table, her eyes glistening slightly, the anger never leaving them.

“Four years… Four years, and that’s what seeing her die in the fucking street has reduced that to. Just another part of life in Gotham.”

She blinked away the tears threatening to fall, taking the sleeve of her hoodie to wipe at her face properly for a moment.

“I tried telling Ver’ about it, too – not directly, just, ‘hey I’m feeling super awful and I hate my life.’ And all she said was, ‘Look on the bright side! It’s the little things that make life worth living!’” she paraphrased in a falsetto sort of voice, her brows furrowing. “Fuck her. Just…fuck her. She can come live in Gotham for a day, see if she can look on the fucking bright side…”

Jackie grunted to herself, rubbing her face into her hands for a moment, and when she reappeared, she had a steady gaze.

“I just have to shove all this down, I guess. Like I don’t already do that all the time.” She stared right at the screen, as if watching herself, and her face grew soft and contemplative. “I’ll just put it next to the thoughts of how I threw my dreams down the gutter, or how much I’d rather risk taking the train to East End than having to work at Arkham one more day,” she added spitefully, despite the glint of humor that crossed over her expression. “I guess I just have to…” She smiled a little wistfully at the camera, even as her eyes dulled. “Smile, though your heart is breaking,” she half-sang.

Bruce heard John snort heavily, as if trying to stifle a laugh, and turned to look just as a loud cackle burst out of him.

John doubled over, clearly trying to stifle his own raucous laugh as he held his stomach like it was the funniest joke he’d ever heard.

Bruce almost wanted to punch him, but held himself steady, clenching his fists as John turned away from him, giggling uncontrollably.

Half a year in Arkham wasn’t going to change him. He was always going to find this sort of thing entertaining. Bruce never quite forgot the conversation they had during Harvey Dent’s speech about hunting down the Children of Arkham; John had grinned wide and joked about it all like it wasn’t actually happening, even though they both knew it was. That same man was right there, throwing open the window and laughing like a damn hyena.

John stuck his head out into the pouring rain, letting the water drown out some of the noise as brown hair dye and make-up started to wash away.

“What are you doing?!” Batman’s voice growled out as Bruce shot up and yanked him back out by the collar, angry at him for laughing at all, for doing something so stupid as showing his face, for further washing away the only thing really keeping him safe-

“I-I’m sorry,” John managed, still chuckling to himself as he tried to steady himself upright using Bruce’s shoulder. “It-it’s funny, but I just… I just can’t – hee hee – be-believe… I’m…” He tried to breathe, a grin still plastered on his face, make-up running terribly in what almost looked like tear-tracks on his cheeks as his laughter slowed. The sound of the video continuing on low volume as rain hit the brick and pavement outside was almost loud enough to prevent Bruce from properly hearing him. “I’m sympathizing with her!” He finished, letting out another little burst of laughter.

That was sympathy…?

“I just – oh, geez, that hurts,” John breathed, a slight giggle coming out as he clutched part of the cape draped over Bruce’s shoulder. “When she was threatening you, back at Arkham, I just thought she was like Crane; a weird, more emotional version of him, but… I hated her for it! And it turns out we - we not only having something in common, but she’s like you,” he emphasized, looking up at the white lenses with a bright-eyed look. It made Bruce feel like he was stuck to the floor. “You both just shove your real feelings down so far even I can’t see them! You both just put on your public faces and pretend!”

Bruce was tempted to wipe some of the run make-up away, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of the knowing glint in the green eyes that stared up at him, or if was because he just wanted to distract the man from continuing to hit Bruce right in a sore spot.

“I still don’t like her,” he said, “but I don’t hate her anymore. And that’s so ridiculous, because I loathe anyone who even thinks about hurting you, Bruce,” he finished with a laugh, caressing Bruce’s arm through the batsuit.

He didn’t know what to say. What could he even do, in a place like this? In a situation like this? He felt guilt and warmth pile up on one another, and he wanted to tell him he was sorry, and he wanted to reach out and cup his face and get rid of all the color until there was nothing but John left, and he knew what John said wasn’t exactly healthy but it still sent a rush through him and he just wanted to…

It wasn’t the time or place for anything like that. He was Batman. John was Joker. They were supposed to be investigating Jackie Lant so they could get a lead on Crane.

Batman was sturdy. Bruce was sturdy.

“Joker,” he started, forcing himself to maintain eye contact even as John’s pupils dilated slightly in response, “Go wash the rest of that stuff off. I’ll copy over the rest of Jackie’s vlog files.”

“My face looks that bad, huh?”

“A little.”

Joker tore himself away, letting his fingers slide over the armored bicep as he passed by. He couldn’t feel the touch at all, but the gesture was more than enough to give him a pleasant little jolt.

Bruce copied a compressed version of her vlog files to the USB stick he carried in his belt. They might be useful, or they might not. A quick scroll through of the rest of her documents showed nothing nefarious, no hidden files, no detailed plans - not so much as a crude map of the asylum. Her browsing history was pretty normal, though he did see some bookmarks to particular blogs she followed, such as Batman Watch, Gotham’s-Dark-Knight, and Gotham Gazette Official.

Bruce was sure he could reason with her. Jackie Lant was stubborn, but she seemed desperate for someone to talk to, and relied only on herself for everything; she either had a backup plan memorized for if things went south, or she was making it up as she went along. She clearly internalized a lot of pain, and not having an outlet for it besides talking to herself seemed to be the final straw in what drove her to desperate measures of escape.

She would probably be thrown in a jail cell for assault and conspiracy to murder, but Bruce was fairly positive she needed some mental help. If he managed to talk her down, he could likely fix it so she wasn’t thrown with the rest of the wolves in Black Gate. Perhaps he could even transfer her out of Gotham entirely.

The files had almost finished downloading when Bruce heard a metallic clink ringing against tile followed by a muttered curse.

He rushed to the small, dimly-lit bathroom, and was greeted with John standing on the rim of the built-in tub, rubbing his head with one hand and holding what looked like part of the shower-head in the other.

“No need to worry, Bats,” Joker said without even turning around. “Just hit myself a bit on this,” he explained, holding up the outer piece to the shower attachment. “Good news though, I found the key to the safe!”

Joker hopped down, stooped, and picked up a key from the base of the tub, turning to face Bruce with a proud grin. “I knew it must have been in here!”

His face was mostly clear, now. His eyelids were still fairly dark, but it was a lot of make-up to wash away, and it couldn’t have been easy for such a fast job. His eyebrows were back to being green, and there were even chunks of color showing under the temporary hair dye.

Bruce forced himself to focus on the task at hand. “How did you think to look in the showerhead?”

“Jackie’s a super-secretive girl, and I would put a key to a safe holding what I was working my life towards in a place no one would think to loo… And the toilet tank was empty.” He dangled the key in front of their faces. “You want to do the honors, Batman?”

Bruce took the invitation. He dropped the lock-box onto the desk, minding the laptop, and turned the key, pushing away the tiny concerned thought about a potential bomb.

He pushed aside the academic papers Crane had written on top of the pile, and found a stack of Arkham patient notes that Bruce knew he’d comb through later, despite it likely not holding much more information than he already knew. And then, under all that, was Crane’s hard drive.

“See if you can find some plastic bags,” Bruce suggested, leafing through the papers to make sure everything was accounted for.

“No need to look, Batsy,” Joker grinned, and yanked an orange bag from the trench coat’s ticket pocket as if he were pulling out a line of scarves. “Ta-dah!”

“That’ll do,” Bruce answered, unable to stop the minute smile from spreading on his face.

He’d all but tied the handles together and passed it to Joker for safe-keeping when the head-set in his cowl rang obnoxiously in his ear.

“Hello?” He asked in his normal voice.

“It’s just me, Batman,” Tiffany answered, sounding somewhat drained; John mouthed ‘who is it’ as he stepped a little closer. “I wanted to apologize for what I said earlier. I’m just having trouble wrapping my head around…everything.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“Yeah, well… I also wanted to tell you I got a signal from one of Maroni’s thug’s phones. I’ll send you the coordinates. Is he with you?”

“…yes.”

“Figures… I’ll…discuss that with you another time. Just…be careful out there.”

“Always am.”

“No you’re not,” Tiffany countered with a light-hearted scoff before hanging up.

Notes:  Blargggh, my brain failed me at a critical time, and then today my stomach acted up for about 2 hours, which impeded me further!! Something must have really wanted me to just wrap up this chapter here… That, or they wanted you guys to wait this long. I certainly didn’t!! (T^T)

As always, thank you SO SO much to everyone that comments, reblogs, likes, kudos, bookmarks, or subscribes!!! I said it before and I'll say it again - I love you guys!!! You guys are awesome!!!! (ෆˊ͈ ु꒳ ूˋ͈ෆ) I'm gearing up for some good times comin' soon... REAL good times. Stay tuned next weekend...

[halcyondaysforyou]

How Divorce Affects Health and Life Insurance

Even when it’s clear that divorce is the best option, dissolving a marriage can be an anxiety-provoking process. Decisions about where parents will live or who will have custody of their kids can turn into heated battles.

And then there’s the challenge of handling the financial fallout. It’s not just alimony and child support parents need to think about. Inevitably, the divorce will tear or strain the safety net one used to share with their spouse — including health insurance. Understanding how the dissolution of a marriage affects those products can help put parents on solid footing after the split. Here’s how adults in the midst of a divorce can continue to protect their income and save for the future.

Health Insurance

In most states, divorcees cannot stay on their ex’s workplace health plan. So those who used to get coverage that way are now on their own. If parents are fortunate enough to have a job that subsidizes their premium, that might not be such a big deal. Divorce counts as a “qualifying life event” that enables one to purchase coverage outside the open enrollment period.

But, according to Colleen Haddow, a Fairfax, Va.-based partner with the DiPietro Family Law Group, timing is critical. With most plans, employees have to notify their employer within 30 days of a signed divorce decree, or that window closes. “It’s really important to get a copy of the order in your hands as soon as you can and get it to HR,” she says.

For stay-home parents or those who work for a smaller employer without an insurance plan, options aren’t as rosy. One possibility is to sign up for a continuation of their former spouse’s workplace plan through COBRA. After a divorce, the law allows parents to stay on their plan for up to 36 months.

There’s a catch, though. His or her employer won’t be subsidizing your coverage, so parents will pay the full price of the premium – plus a two percent administrative fee. That usually makes it an expensive way to go. “I rarely see recommend COBRA as a good financial idea,” says Haddow.

Shopping for individual coverage on an exchange is often a better alternative. Parents can search through different tiers — gold, silver, and bronze — to match their budget. Rates have been rising over the past couple years, but if parents meet federal income guidelines, they may qualify for tax subsidies that will help offset their expenses.

Maintaining coverage for children is usually an easier proposition. The Affordable Care Act allowed parents to keep children on their employer’s plan until they reached age 26, which is typically a cheaper option than shopping on an exchange.

Some states have strict guidelines on how the parents will split the cost of that coverage. Otherwise, it needs to be clarified in the settlement agreement.

“Ninety-nine percent of the time, parents want to make sure their kids are insured,” says Haddow. “They realize that if their 21-year-old has a major medical issue and they’re not insured, they’ll be the ones footing that bill.”

Life Insurance

Often, life insurance is just as important after a divorce as it is during the marriage. If parents are depending on alimony or child support to make ends meet, they’ll want a safeguard in case their ex- passes away prematurely. In fact, some states will order the bread-winning spouse to have a policy that names their former spouse as the beneficiary.

Haddow advises clients who provide financial support to stipulate the amount of time they need to maintain coverage. Such limitations are especially helpful when parents depend on a workplace policy to meet their insurance obligation. Should parents lose their job at a later date, they could find themselves having to buy comparable coverage that’s now much more expensive because of age. “You could be stuck paying an extremely high premium,” she says.

For that same reason, those who already have a term policy should make sure their obligation doesn’t exceed the length of their policy. If, for instance, a parent’s term ends after 18 years, they don’t want the obligation to maintain coverage for 20 years.

At that stage of parents’ life, premiums will be a lot steeper. And if they’re tight on cash, they risk falling out of compliance with the insurance provision. “That’s when the court can step in and start imposing sanctions,” Haddow explains. “You don’t want that to happen.”

Things are a little different for spouses who previously took out whole life insurance, which includes a cash account along with a death benefit. In cases where there’s a significant balance in the account, couples may want to simply dissolve the policy and cash it out. Depending on the language of the settlement, the supporting spouse may be able to take out a less expensive term policy to satisfy their responsibility.

Not every agreement put the onus on the alimony provider to get coverage, however. In some cases, the lower-earning spouse may simply decide to take out a policy on their ex and handle the premium payments themselves. It’s all part of the negotiation, so parents will want to talk with their attorney about the options at their disposal.

Credits: Daniel Kurt

Date: February 15, 2018

Source:https://www.yahoo.com/lifestyle/divorce-affects-health-life-insurance-210418814.html

[smilingformoney]

It Lives Beneath Diamond Scene: Sneak Away with Danni

Danni: The five words I’ve been waiting to hear all night. You put a hand on Danni’s back and steer her away from the display, leaving the oblivious men behind. You: Let me buy you a drink? Danni: It’s an open bar. You: Okay, Miss Technicality. Trying to make a gesture here. Danni: Sorry. Yes, I’d love a drink. You make your way to the bar and order two flutes of champagne. You: Okay. Let it out. Air all your grievances. It’ll make you feel better. Danni: Ugh, where do I even start? This whole place pisses me off. You: The whole thing or a few things in particular. Danni: Everything. The clothes, the jewelry, the tablecloths that probably cost more than I make in a month… On cue, the bartender reappears and sets down your drinks. Light winks off tiny flakes of gold swirling in the champagne. Danni: See? Even the booze is bougie. Danni: Is this what’s in store for me? Displaying my art to people like this? You: But they’re showing off your work, right? That’s cool. Danni: It would be, if everyone here wasn’t so spectacularly missing the point. Danni: Take that photo over there, for example. What would you say it’s about? You study one of Danni’s photos on a wall nearby. 

EXAMINE -Photograph of Boats 

You: I think it’s about… -Class division.

You: The way the yacht is just plowing right through, while the smaller boat can barely stay afloat… Danni: Exactly! Thank you! At least someone gets it. Danni: I thought the metaphor was fairly obvious, but you’d never know it from the reactions I’ve been getting tonight. You: Maybe they just don’t want to see it. I mean, this isn’t exactly the most receptive audience for a message about the plight of the working class. 

-Social anxiety.

The way the smaller boat is quietly floundering, but the yacht doesn’t seem to notice… Danni: Hm! That’s not exactly what I was going for, but it’s an interesting lens. Danni: Certainly more interesting than half the other dumb things I’ve heard tonight. You: Oh yeah? Like what? Danni: One guy thought it was about motherhood. Like the big boat was a mom and the little boat was its baby. You: I… Wow. Just wow. 

-Boats?

You: What even are they? How do they float like that? What do they want from us? Danni: You can’t be serious. That’s… You… Danni: …You’re messing with me. You: Maybe a little. So what’s the picture really about? Danni: Well, it’s supposed to be about entitlement. How privilege can blind you to the struggles of others. I guess it could be clearer… You: No, I totally see that. Especially with how you captured the smaller boat in the shadow of the yacht. Danni: Right, exactly. Now if only these people got it…

Danni lifts her glass, squinting sceptically at the swirl of gold flakes inside. Danni: I don’t know… I can’t decide if displaying this kind of work, at a part like this, makes me a rebel or a sell-out. 

You: I think… -You are a rebel.

You: Think about it. They’re paying you to mock them, and they don’t even see it. You: Imagine if one of these goobers buys a photo and hangs it in his boardroom, because he thinks it’s just a nice picture of some boats. Danni: …Okay, I have to admit, the prospect of my work quietly undermining some CEO’s authority all day is pretty fantastic. You: That’s the spirit. 

-It doesn’t matter.

Danni: What do you mean? You: I mean who gives a crap what these people do or don’t think? They’re not your audience, right? They’re the yacht. Danni: Yyyesss… I guess that’s true… You: What matters today is that you made art you enjoyed and got paid for it. And now you can go make even more! Danni: Well, when you put it like that, it’s hard to argue. 

-You should go even further.

You: The next time they invite you to one of these things, you should go full-on Banksy. Really punch them in the face with it. Danni: Ha! I wonder how much I could get away with? Maybe a fifty-foot photo of a sinking cruise ship? You: Bigger. Danni: A sinking cruise ship that’s on fire. Danni: With ‘eat the rich’ written in caviar on the side. And I’m standing in the foreground with two thumbs up, dressed like The Fonz. You: Is this going to be available as a poster? Because I need this image on my wall. Danni cracks up laughing. 

You take a sip of your drink. Danni: So how are the gold flakes? Do they taste like success? You: Not really. They’re pretty flavourless. Danni frowns and takes a sip of her drink. Danni: Wow, you’re right. So they’re just cosmetic? Edible glitter? You: Very expensive edible glitter. Danni: Ridiculous. She shakes her head, laughing. Danni: Say, speaking of edible, are you hungry? I’m starving. You: I think I saw one of those guys with a tray of food by the door. You and Danni grab your drinks, snag some hors d’oeuvres, and stroll outside. 

You near the neat fire pit and warm yourselves by its gently licking flames. You: So how did you get into photography, anyway? Danni: Growing up here, I think. Danni: I know my work’s all about inequality now, but when I was a kid it was more about trying to… I dunno, capture the magic of this place. Danni: I used to spend all day running around the woods and waterfalls. Then I’d come home and tell my mom about everything I’d discovered. You: Aw, Danni the Explorer! That’s adorable. Danni: It got on my mom’s nerves, actually. She likes to joke that she bought me a camera so I’d close my mouth and open my eyes. You: She sounds nice. Danni: My parents are actually really supportive. A little too much sometimes. Danni: Their latest thing is trying to convince me to go to art school. But I’d rather look for a job, so I can help them out. Maybe in advertising. 

You: Wait… -Your parents need help?

Danni: They would say no. But yeah, they do. Danni: They’re struggling with money right now. Medical bills. 

-Advertising? Seriously?

You: That’s surprising for you. Danni: Well, it’s not like I’m dying to sell fast food and sports cars. But advertising pays well, and full-time photography jobs are scarce. Danni: Especially if you need good benefits… You: ‘Need’? 

You make your way to the pool and look out over the rippling cerulean water. Danni: My dad hurt his back about a year ago and had to get surgery. Danni: My mom’s insurance is totally maxed out. And between that and Dad not working… Danni sighs. Danni: They might lose their house soon. I’ve been trying to help out with a part-time job. But I’m barely making ends meet as-is. 

You: Danni… -I’m sorry.

Danni: Thank you. You: How’d your dad hurt his back? Danni: He worked in a warehouse for twenty years. To provide for me. 

-It’s not all on you.

You: I know. But I want to help them. They’ve worked hard their whole lives. They deserve to be happy. You: Yeah, but you can’t take the whole world onto your shoulders. Danni: My dad says the same thing. You: What about your mom? Danni: My mom says if I offer to pay for groceries one more time, she’s gonna whack me with a shoe. 

You: It sounds like you all really care about each other. I hope everything works out okay. Danni: Me too. Danni: Thanks, Gina. You’re really easy to talk to. You: That’s not all I’m good for. Danni: Is that so? 

You: Yeah. I’m also good at… -Kissing. Danni +10

Danni: In that case, I have a question to ask you. Danni’s eyes shimmer in the warm evening light as she sets down her glass. You: So ask me. Danni: Okay. Danni takes a step toward you, her face just inches from yours. Danni: Can I kiss you? You: I don’t know. Can you? Danni laughs as you grab her by the waist, pulling her closer. Her mouth presses against yours, the taste of champagne sweet on her lips. You kiss for a long moment, then gently come apart. You: So. Are you enjoying the party yet? Danni: It’s growing on me. Danni plants one last kiss on your lips, then steps away. Danni: We should probably get back, though. The others might be waiting for us. 

-Making toasts. Danni +10

You lift your glass. You: We may still have problems, but here’s to one good night. You: And champagne somebody else paid for. Danni: I’ll drink to that. Danni picks up her glass and clinks it against yours, then you both knock back what’s left of your drinks. Danni: Phew! That’s a little stronger than I thought. You: Maybe we should go easy. Probably not the best ide to get our buzz on in the middle of a cultist convention. Danni: We should be getting back anyway. The others might be looking for us. 

You and Danni head inside and rejoin the party.