#but for some reason im still anxious about it
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does anyone get anxiety the day before they go on a trip?
#like it’s not normal#im going on this work trip and my luggage is all set. i already took care of my flight check in and printed out the event program#but for some reason im still anxious about it#im not even scared of flights#why does my brain hate me#delete later
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seen one too many snide posts about this in the last week or so but did you know that if you don't enjoy scenes in smut establishing consent or checking in then you simply don't have to read them and you don't have to go online and whine about how they're Consent Posturing and Purity Culture and Sanitizing Everything and God Just Kill Me Now. like you can have a preference without making it into a three act morality play, which is ironically what you are accusing other people of doing.
the same goes for like, detailed content warnings on fics. or content warnings at all. you can just skip those. they're not a sign of Purity Culture Gone Too Far or Those Damn Puriteens or whatever. you can dislike things without being an asshole about them or implying they're Taking Away What's Good And Correct About Fic Or Creativity.
#gav gab#sex ment#there's a running thread in the L2L cinematic universe shower sex fic#about consent and checking in and like. being cautious and careful and Aware of the other party#and whether they want to be doing what they're doing#and it is there for a reason and it is extremely meaningful to the context of what's happening#and if i see one more post mocking the entire concept of addressing consent in a fic#i am gonna heap my lid#i really do think 'consent posturing' is one of the most enraging phrases i've ever seen online tbh#and there's some stiff competition#like. wrow. lot going on THERE.#i just hate that i'm so anxious about this part of this fic#i mean im anxious about the whole thing for various reasons but#seeing those posts some of which have been reblogged by people whose opinions i do respect#has made me really embarrassed and worried about honestly one of the most Meaningful parts of this fic#and i feel like i need to pre-emptively go on the defensive or else people will think it's Bad and Stupid and He Would Not Fucking Say That#etc etc etc#like i have to pre-emptively defend myself against accusations of bad writing#and i know the answer is just to care less about Posts On Line but i would like to cordially suggest perhaps the answer is also#stop being an asshole about a preference and asserting it like it is not in fact a preference#but is instead you speaking some kind of Good Take onto the stupid brain rotted puriteen masses or whatever#i am doing better about not letting the ocd win and caring less about Posts#whatever it may appear lmao i Am doing better with that#but that doesn't mean those posts arent still mean and shitty#and generalizing a lot of weird shit into things like#'establishing consent in a sex scene' which apparently is Inherently Boring And Annoying
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I feel like now is a good time to announce that I’m in the process of moving blogs! Im doing so for a few reasons, the main one being paranoia, so for that reason I won’t be saying my new urls publicly so like please dm me if you’d like my new url so you can follow me there! I’ll be reblogging this post a lot so ppl can see it (so sorry if you get annoyed by that)!
I’m also remaking my discord account as well so if we’re friends on there then feel free to message me for my new username!
friends and mutuals please do reblog so shared friends/mutuals have a higher chance seeing it!
#whimsy whispers#I’m just like ahdjfjjg#I’ve been considering remaking blogs for a few years now (as some of you may know) and like simply changing urls isn’t enough#no matter how many times I chnage urls the paranoia won’t go away and I think that starting a new blog is the best choice#idk what to do if my newest blog gets found by the ppl I’m paranoid about like idk the odds of that are low (I hope) alas I’m still anxious#about it#for some slight context: I’ve had several people now pop up in my life pretending to be other people/several people and while I’ve blocked#then on every social media account I interacted with them in im still paranoid about them lurking#and then like there’s other reasons to remake as well#I’m tired of this blog like I love it it’s been fun but I think starting over will be nice#tbh this is the longest I’ve had a blog without remaking I usually remake accounts every so often#I don’t intend to remake my next blog like at all but like agdhjfjg I have a habit of getting bored of accounts and staring over (usually#this applies to art accounts like y’all wouldn’t believe how many deviantart accounts I’ve had)#uhhhh idk I’ve been rambling for too long#I have this in drafts rn but you should be seeing this post soon
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geesussss can my brain chill out maybe like at this point people arent even doing anything im pretty sure its just pretending something is off so i can start panicking about if someone hates me and im not enough and they will leave and i am the worst person ever because of this. why. dude. please. nothing happened. why do you even do this. and worse why the fuck do i still believe you every time no matter what
#come on man theyre probabaly like. tired. or stressed. people are a little off sometimes this is normal. what is wrong with you#i cant even tell if anything i think is happening is real at this point are they talking to me less or am i just being more ofa needy bitch#like. i know my brain is probably overreacting but i still believe it for some reason? hard to explain my stuff works wrong and its confusin#i hate this#i feel bad asking for reassurance too#i shouldnt need that i should be able to just beleive people care about me#its not like im not being told that im loved or anything its just that its somehow still not enough#and i get anxious every time i get a text because what if this is finally it maybe they have decided they hate me#maybe i said something wrong?
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Hi guys!! Not dead!! :D
I'm currently away from home because I'm doing art school stuff (I don't know how to say plener in english so just yeah the thing where you go and you paint outside). I've been busy with all the new stuff and I didn't have much time to draw unfortunately but I haven't forgotten about tumblr. And since I'm in another town currently (or rather mountains and fields) I don't have access to digital so I'll post something when I get back.
Also!! It's my birthday today :)
I painted a cow when I was out today :)
#i cut my hair once again#ive actually felt really anxious about having my birthday away from home so i still feel a bit weird#but it was really nice#i enjoy how peaceful it is and walking thriugh fields and seeing cows and sheep#really good for my autism#also my new friends are really cool#yeah im really enjoying art school currently i hope it stays that way#also i have some morrowind ideas to draw so i hope i make them when i get back#almosr wrote moronwind for some reason#im tired so thats all for now#muscaribrain#muscariart#also the cow is not finished because she will have a speech bubble saying “mam dość zielonego”
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
#phantom hourglass#linebeck#loz#legend of zelda#salty talks#imo the action vs inaction thing feels esp interesting to me when looking at oshus specifically. he and his world are in grave danger#and he knows it and he actively does nothing and even seems reluctant to let ciela and link go ahead and do something.#of course he comes around on it but it's very interesting. has he given up at that point? thats what it suggests to me#that hes like. joined the people of mercay in just lying down and waiting for other people to fix their problems or just. not do anything#otherwise on mercay you have that old guy in the bar who spends the whole game not leaving bc he doesnt want to face his wife#and she never goes to the bar to actually look for him and just talks about it if anything#the guy with the blue tunic talks a lot about linebeck and his ship and almost gives the impression that he really wants to talk to him#but yknow. doesnt. theres the women that tells you about docks being shut down and how linebeck is the only person who's showed up#the woman you see at the broken bridge who's just like oh well! time to wait til someone fixes it.#even the guy fixing the bridge iirc is like well fuck i gotta do it or else oshus is going to bitch at me abt it#everyone seems reluctant to act which makes for an interesting way in how our main crew stands out#it is less so oh theyve been chosen specifically for this its moreso they're the ones who are fucking doing something about this#for their own various reasons some of which are more selfish but theyre still doing something#will likely have more stuff to say when im done but ofc we have other characters in the game who have to do with this#anyways. linebeck is so animated all of the fucking time it's great i dont think theres any other character that moves as much as him#when he's just standing around to talking to link it's great. he's so ready to get going.#it works with him being an anxious mess and also with like. oh he's probably understimulated. you know he's got a nasty case of wanderlust#i can put it with the idea that he's understimulated and afraid to stim in public so he's just constantly moving#he probably drums his fingers on tables bounces his leg when sitting paces around switches the way he sits or lays down often#tbh this kinda fits in with him being one of the main characters who takes action moreso than a lot of other characters#his arc culminates in him taking action he's going after the ghost ship he's moving around the world the only issue is that one of the#actions he takes is running away from his problems literally n metaphorically (tho idk if facing the jolene problem is a good idea for him)
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#I’m about. to crash out ALSJDKDJDJDJ#he seemed kinda snappy the last I heard from him#but he already was in a mood for some other reason#but now I haven’t heard from him in like two weeks and I’m like.#hello. do I say something first ALSJSKDJDJ#this is so annoying I never wanna get into a relationship if it’s gonna make me this anxious about COMMUNICATING#and it’s like every time I ask him to do something for me#he goes radio silent which is so weird like????#and by do something for me he owns a business that I support!!!#but yeah he goes radio silent every time like???#MF IM ABOUT TO STOP ASKING 🤨🤨🤨🤨#can’t go to my bsf with this bc she’s gonna tell me to drop him 😔 AKSJDKDJD#this is so frustrating on top of everything else going on#toji would never do me like this#he probably would tho bc his phones turned off#but he would still show up to my house to let me know he’s not ignoring me ☝🏼#—in store chit chat! 🍫
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help someone please make me be an adult cus i really just don't want to.
#hghhhhhhhhhh i really need to actually go get a fucking car. but. im scarsd <3#i want to call my dad and see if he'd be willing to talk to me about it cus im. a mess.#and 1. my mom is currently dealing with shit of her own and i dont wanna bother her and#2. she would be hard to talk to about this anyway bc shes still against me doing financing. though at least she explained her reasoning.#but i want to talk to my dad cus hes done shit like this before ;;; at least on SOME level ;;;;;#i don't actually know how many cars he's bought from like. a dealership. but still.#he HAS bought cars before#and he understands jargon and shit better than me and im anxious#and i just want to get this one thing done so i can stop worrying about my car giving up the ghost on me at any point in time#ough#i meant to call my insurance company earlier to see if i could get a ballpark number for full coverage but didnt#bc the Anxiety. you understand. s#shh ac
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and tbh the time skip in switch and knights climax events is what makes me the most mad of it all. "oh true hmm maybe i should've added foreshadowing earlier for my acid-trip plot to work hmm well ill start the story at the beginning of the year and then do a bunch of timeskips" no you absolute idiot you are going to write your stupid story on the foundations you built before or ill kill you
#like honestly even if the characters interactions are good#the plot is just too much. it makes me mad#i havent read either story yet but by principle im not too fond tbh#ughh#you'd think after the story released i would be less anxious about knights climax but nooo#honestly i cant think of much of a reason to read it besides maybe nice izlo#but that. is not really what i look for in a tsukasa event you know............#and since he for some reason had that tour this year itll take an eternity till his next event sighs#but well he is a sweet and charming and lovely and honest boy im sure the story will be good for him regardless..........#but im still mad tf. so many possible plot threads and he had to go and make up an entire new thing ugh#mar's midnight rambles
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Oof I just found notes from my first ever performance review at my old job (at a mental health charity I must stress) and a good chunk of it boils down to - Katy is autistic
#like... when i finally go and get diagnosed that is coming with me as evidence#katy is good at this thing she enjoys and is knowledgeable in#katys spelling is sometimes rocky/attention to details in writing on posters poor (dyslexia!!!)#katy can comunicate Really Well via email. being personable and friendly. but over the phone and in person she is monosyllabic#fuck them for not realising something was going on with me#like???? youre a mental health charity????????#some of your clients were autistic ffs and it wasnt even floated as a reason?????#you HOSTED WORKPLACE MENTAL HEALTH SEMINARS#uhg!!!!!!!#katy liveblogs life#had a little cry reading that#poor 23 yo me i was going through it#would also spend my one no weekend day off a week passed out and migraine i was so fucking stressed at that time#im still fucking burnt out from all of that#and anxious as fuck about even the IDEA of working in any capacity#and thats from WORKING AT A MENTAL HEALTH CHAIRITY WHAT THE FUCK#im still petty and bitter about this#for valid af reason#the trauma i endured jesus christ
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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OH also I've never had a post breach containment and hope I never will but I would like no one to tag my posts as "X slur" in context of queer words. I don't use any of them in a negative connotation and am of course aware of the history. Just a boundary (I have like 20 followers most of which are mutuals who don't tag things like that anyways. Just a Thing. I like my posts not being reblogged just responded to or liked :) Or asks. Staying in my ecosystem)
#rambling#that one post? 100% talking about OPs boundaries#saying like. THEIR post they wouldnt like tagged like that#the lgbt community is HUGE and everyone will have their own boundaries#some people have trauma with words and still do#some people have healed from it and do not wish to be reminded of#or perhaps being seen as using those words in a negative context when they arent#not a great situation to be in since tags is how you filter but i hear theres#extensions that can posts with certain words used IN the post not just tags#so there is a way around it if we dont censor words#which is more of a tiktok thing than tumblr ANYWAYS#also i am always SO fucking worried and anxious about seeming#intolerance or ignorant of other peoples struggles#especially minorities#this isnt what im saying and i hope i used the proper language#if you have anything you want cleared up shoot an ask#i keep anon on for a reason!
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These imaginary tigers are fucking me up
#soap speaks#im oof#and i cant tell why#it is either the anxiety of money and not making enough and expenses piling up and stress#or its the autism making me so anxious because giant changes are happening in my life and i cant fucking cope#my ssiter snd her husband are moving in with us#but also hhhhhhhhhh#like this changes basically everything in my life and we are also throwing stuff out and rearranging the house#and i still havent found a therapist to discuss the complex emotions i feel because my dad fucking died#like i need therapy about it lol#especially since i feel the circumstances of my life getting fundamentally better since he died but for some reason that stresses me out??#like we are throwing trash out and broken things out and fixing things feom years ago no that hes gone#but it still makes me feel bad?#idk im just going through it
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.
vent
#bro last night was so scary idk what's wrong with me#like everytime im sitting or lying still my brain immediately keeps playing all the horrible memories#ive ever had from way back to childhood to present#like a broken record player#and my dad was sleeping in the same room and i was listening to music to distract myself but it wasn't working#i kept crying for some reason?? like ok im on my period but like it's the fourth day and plus ive already cried#it doesn't usually happen after 2nd day so I don't get what it is#i kept lying there and everytime i stopped myself from crying another memory would pop up and the crying would begin#again. and i kept telling my brain that it's okay relax calm down the danger has passed#these are just memories nothing is happening right now but it didn't help??#like i was thinking about how nicely and proudly he was telling some relative about my sister in the day#and it kept making me cry i kept remembering all the bad things all the violence he has inflicted on her#and on such a young person. and my brother. i keep saying that i was like 10 when it started#but what about him? it means he was 7?? what the fuck. he saw all of that too maybe that's why he's the way he is#like he's very. anxious. and he panics and messes up a lot. and then dad screams at him even more for that. and i kept thinking#what a terrible losing cycle it is it's not even his fault he's like this he has literally never had any happiness in his life#like fr i changed schools when i was in 11th and i cried so much about it and he was even younger#and he has never felt loved he has never even had a bestfriend. he's just applying for colleges now and even tho that'#very good and makes me very happy because maybe finally he'll feel love and happiness and safety for the first time. it still made me cry#idk maybe i have something. like umm#anyway today he shouted at my mom very horribly just like old times. on the phone tho cause she isn't here. and#and it was just like childhood again pausing my lecture to listen to everything he's saying to gauge how mad he is but regretting#listening in bc I dont want to have another horrible memory that I'll think about years from now. and i kept telling#myself that it's okay it's okay the worst that he could do. he's already done multiple times. he doesn't really have a lot of tricks#just scream at a volume so loud the whole building can hear hitting etc till we agree to him. and that's it#but it made me realise that maybe that's why my brain does that it's saying that the danger hasn't passed yet#it will only pass when he is dead lol i hope it's soon
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Anxiety
#hmmmmmmmmmmm...........................#why are we doing this rn#also i feel like crying. like i think im overwhelmed? but nothins happening rn. im laying in bed listening to music & playing on my phone#i dont have anything to do today except for go to work in 13 hours. i mean i should probably tidy my room a bit & make food at some point#but thats it. i have no obligations to anyone today. im just fucking Anxious#it also doesnt help that withing 10 minutes of being awake i was wildly accused of hiding the fact that i have bedbugs (i dont!)#but theres literally no evidence of bedbugs in my room so theres no reason for me to be worried#still i am#im worried about a lot of things that i shouldnt be. such is the story of my life#idk idk idk haha#maybe playing my comfort video game will calm me down#heyitslapis rambles#personal
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huge insight
#ok so i guess. the problem isnt receiving messages from irl people.#its how they make me feel (insecure anxious irrationally upset)#and unfortunately that means. that the solution shouldnt be “isolating myself from everything possible”#when it is “learn how to manage your emotions and thoughts.”#erm.#im killing myself.#as you can see. im. erm.#sillyposting#its just such a fucking bother and.#it still happens even when its someone i like and would like to get to know better. about an event that means a lot and im very excited for#but for some reason the doubt slips in. and i paralize and freak out.#me repeating “i kill you” 10x within 5 minutes to drown out the noise isnt. enough.#i kill you.#anyway talk with my councilor is clearly due.#help me.
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