#especially since i feel the circumstances of my life getting fundamentally better since he died but for some reason that stresses me out??

[satansappendix]

These imaginary tigers are fucking me up

[jdrizzle15]

Her Second Return

Just like all of you, and especially my fellow Penny fans, I am absolutely devastated by the Volume 8 finale. I had been in quite a state these last few days, utterly heartbroken, and actually nauseous at times. It feels strange to me to be legitimately grieving a fictional character, but it’s not a bad thing to feel this way. To me, this just shows that CRWBY loves her just as much as us to have written her so well that we connect so completely with her, that it feels like we lost an actual piece of ourselves when she’s gone.

But as you can probably tell by the title, this mega post isn’t gonna be about accepting this end, not in the slightest! Today I want to share canon evidence that can point towards another return of our beloved quirky red headed cinnamon bun! I’m here to spread this hope that I and others in the Nuts & Dolts dolts Discord server have!

I have this separated into many different sections to keep these thoughts organized. With that said, here goes…

A Father’s Words:

In Episode 7 of Volume 7, ‘Worst Case Scenario’ we learn the origins of Penny’s aura, and thus her soul. We also learn that it takes more aura each time she’s brought back. This leaves open an option that could be used at a later point.

Many people theorized that Pietro could indeed revive Penny one more time, which he would absolutely do. But there also lies the possibility that someone else could donate some of theirs, I’m not sure about this as I feel like it’s akin to blood donation where compatibility matters or there's a high risk of altering her, but the possibility is definitely there.

Now, the conversation in Chapter 5 of Volume 8, ‘Amity’ that Pietro and Penny have is an important moment for both Father and Daughter. It was there to show how her death in PvP all that time ago really did have a heavy impact on him and is still affecting him to this day.

Instead of continuing to pretend that everything is A-okay, like he had done for most of Volume 7, he finally lets his true feelings about how it come out to Penny for what is quite likely the first time. Even going so far as to say "Are you asking me to go through that again?" when she offers to take the risk of trying to lift Amity with her power. He wants Penny to be able to live her life.

This entire scene with Pietro established “this is what will likely happen” even if circumstances are much different now, it doesn’t negate the fact that this is a key part of Penny’s story. Scenes like these have a purpose beyond simply making an eventual death all the more heart wrenching. Her never actually getting to live her life makes those scenes basically moot. It makes them effectively pointless from narrative point of view. Unless there's more to it.

Building Relationship:

The build up between Ruby and Penny the last two volumes has been absolutely phenomenal with a definite destination in mind, and this doesn’t feel like that destination. So much of the arc of this season was to help Penny. This girl that our main protagonist absolutely adores and treasures, it would just be awful to throw all of that out for what amounts to an avoidable end. Why use so much of their precious and very limited runtime on deliberately building up this relationship only to end it abruptly, and permanently, when they’re separated?

In my opinion, RT is definitely smarter now than to intentionally set up what was really looking like a budding gay relationship only to kill one of them for good. If N&D wasn't actually going in a romantic direction, why would they leave in all of the romance-adjacent stuff that they got, that's not how ‘just friends’ act. And that is not something you use such valuable time building up for absolutely no pay off whatsoever...

Representation of Hope:

At its core, RWBY has always been about hope. It’s not at the forefront the whole time, but there's been an underlying theme of hopefulness that has persisted since it began. Some describe the show as a Hopepunk, I personally find this to describe RWBY really well. This genre of storytelling is about caring for things deeply and the courage and strength it takes to do so. It’s about never submitting or accepting the way things are. Fighting for what you believe in and standing up for others. RWBY fits all of this extremely well. How does this relate to Penny? She has been shown to be a sign of hope for everyone, but especially for Ruby, the main main protagonist. A prerequisite for a Hopepunk story is the hope.

Her first death in V3 was something that fundamentally changed Ruby. For the first time in the series, we see our main character all but broken by this event. With the loss of Penny, immediately afterwards, Ruby’s hope followed. She made up for it through determination and force of will. We see it affect her multiple times throughout the journey to Volume 7. But upon her return in V7, Hope reached a high point for everyone, the sheer relief on Ruby’s face is plain to see!

In V8 chapter 5 ‘Amity’, Penny literally raises hope by lifting the arena into the sky so Ruby could spread her message. And when she falls, and Amity with her, the connection is lost and hope plummets again. From there things take a very negative turn with the hack begins to take Penny’s agency.

In chapter 11 ’Risk’ is the point in the arc where everyone is reunited for the moment, so two separate hero stories are no longer a thing at that point in time. For the time being focus seemed to be shifted to care about the characters and how they’re going to solve the current problems. This is also where Ruby reaches her lowest emotional point in the season.

It’s not huge, but it’s interesting how connected this is. Before Ruby and Yang share a good cry over learning the possible fate of Summer, Yang brings up restoring optimism and hope to Ruby after the younger sister storms out of the room in frustration. This is where Penny’s scenes take up the rest of the episode. Getting Penny back in control of her own body and safe again is what makes the ending of the episode much brighter, when just 5 minutes before Ruby had been distraught and scared. This then spills over into the group coming up with the plan to use the staff, putting the main group in a much better mood. Of all the things to go right, it’s interesting that it’s Penny.

Things go wrong with the plan in the end and Penny dies. I find it interesting that once again, Penny got them hopeful in their chances of doing something right. Given said plan succeeded but at the cost of Penny of all people, Penny is shown to be the beginning and end of hope for them

The highest and lowest points for hope seem to directly correlate to when Penny’s around. When she comes back again, hope will return too, just like it had before. And because she’ll likely be back for good this time, the second return will probably be close to when Ruby is nearing the complete abandonment of hope. This would be pretty par for the course of the show honestly.

A little aside, but in a sense, Penny also represents Unity. The CCT in Vale fell after her first death, knocking out global communications and the unifying connection it gave. When it was restored for the briefest moment, she was there. Her body connected so she could allow for its launch, her soul lighting the night to hold up Amity with every ounce of her strength. So of course when the Hack succeeds and she falls, she takes global comms down again with her. At a smaller scale - even at the Hack's second last attempt to control her, she draws everyone in the Schnee Manor together. At the start of the volume, Yang states the one thing that they all agree on is not surrendering Penny.

Unity seems appropriate for one whose first song and wish was for but one friend, who would go on to find so many more in the process, and permit for a moment the possibility of all Remnant becoming friends once more. Where she first died, the name of the episode devoted to her story - Amity, "friendship", from the Latin root amicus, "friend" - she almost lives and dies with the very possibility of a united Remnant. It's no wonder she's a priority target for Salem, the great divider, and it seems natural that her next restoration may very well allow the next bid to bring the world together.

The Void Screams:

Moments after Penny's death, we hear a weird scream in the void space. It was a guttural, pained, angry scream, almost like the void space itself was crying out. All the portals shuddered and flickered when it happened.

Some think that this scream was Salem returning, but that happens earlier than Penny’s death, her return is signaled with cinder's arm acting up. We know this because after the arm finished flailing uncontrollably, Cinder said triumphantly "she's back." If it were Salem screaming, it would have happened after she fixed herself, but it didn't.

And I doubt Cinder would have been surprised or unsettled by it considering she was happy Salem returned not long before it. And why would a Salem scream affect the portals anyway, she has no connection to the staff or it's magic.

Another thing to consider is the fact sound is not transmitted through the portals. Otherwise, they would've heard Oscar and the rest calling for them, or the screams of the citizens of Mantle and Atlas. This lowers the possibility of that scream being from Salem even further.

The sound really seems to be coming from something else entirely within the void, and that something is not at all happy. There’s also the fact that Penny was the only person who died in the void space, everyone else was just thrown out of it like Ruby and Co. The only logical cause to me is Penny. Her body was a product (or byproduct) of the same creation magic that made the void space, her blood seems to have been a trigger.

Now I can't be sure about it, but this makes me feel like Penny is almost a part of creation itself? For whatever this thing is to be so angry, that is the only explanation I can think of currently. But all of this could possibly relate to the Narnia allusion of 'the willing victim killed in a traitor's stead' that others have brought up, which will be covered next.

Narnia Parallels:

Atlas has several parallels and references to fictional places (putting aside real world ones like the United States). One of those is that of Narnia, both on the surface and on a deeper level. It is a land of winter year round, where people struggle to survive and there is a present divide between those loyal to the current Monarch and those who are not. James is a parallel to Jadis, the White Witch, a ruler whose thoughts and cares aren’t exactly centered around the actual well being of the people. The hologram table in Ironwood’s office is designed to look like stone, like the Stone Table which features prominently in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. He has a handpicked cadre of special agents/secret police, like how Maugrim and his wolves served Jadis. Another key parallel is how Jadis’s winter sets in to oppress and kill everyone in Narnia, but the Witch provides aid and protection to her loyal followers. She has all the power to spare harm to others, and uses it only for the loyal. As soon as Mantle splits from James and Atlas, no care is taken to protect them from the cold of Solitas even though he has every ability to turn the heating grid back on. His protection is only for the loyal.

Now that the parallel is established, let's look into the details. Starting with how James plays the role of Jadis.

"I had forgotten that you are only a common boy. How should you understand reasons of State? You must learn, child, that what would be wrong for you or for any of the common people is not wrong in a great Queen such as I. The weight of the world is on our shoulders. We must be freed from all rules. Ours is a high and lonely destiny." These are the words Jadis says in the Magician’s Nephew to justify the blood civil war she and her sister had waged for rulership of Charn, before she came to Narnia. She won that war, technically, but only after the last battle had been lost and her sister had marched right up to her so that they were face to face. Jadis’s troops were dead, her followers had surrendered, and the capital was under full control of her sister. But, she still had one card, one ultimate play to win and prove the throne of Charn was rightfully her. The Deplorable Word, a piece of old magic that killed everyone and everything except for her on Charn. It was monstrous, senseless, cruel beyond measure. But it got her that hollow victory. This mindset, the disregard for the people except as tools for her own will, the ultimate ‘aoe’ destructive move that no one had even considered her using, the unwillingness to stop even when by all practical measures the war is over, is a shocking parallel to James. In many ways, he is Jadis in mindset and deed.

Then there is the shared desire for A Thing that both James and Jadis have. For James it’s the Winter Maiden and control over her. For Jadis it’s the Silver Apples from the Tree of Youth. And funnily enough, the Maiden Powers parallel the Apples quiet well. These apples grant power and a life of eternal beauty, but should not be taken or eaten on one’s own initiative. They must be given, a gift granted by another, or only suffering will come from obtaining them. "For the fruit always works — it must work — but it does not work happily for any who pluck it at their own will. If any Narnian, unbidden, had stolen an apple and planted it here to protect Narnia, it would have protected Narnia. But it would have done so by making Narnia into another strong and cruel empire like Charn, not the kindly land I mean it to be.” Jadis’s immortality, and some of her power, come from the fact that she ate an Apple of her own will after stealing her way into the garden where the Tree of Youth had been planted. She gained the eternal life she had wanted and the power along with it, but she did so by taking it and was cursed because of it. Her skin turned pale and her lips blackened as if she were a frozen corpse given life. She will be trapped in a life of misery and hate according to Aslan- oh hey Cinder, how’s having stolen the Power you always wanted working out for you? Cinder had the power she wanted, but she only got hungrier, eager to claim more and increase her might. But in her pursuit she was defeated and humiliated by Raven, had to steal her way out of Mistral, and then suffered defeat after defeat while in Atlas. Only in the end, when she didn’t keep pursuing the Maiden Power, did she get any kind of victory.

The reason these parallels to Narnia are so important is one of the most famous events of the series. The cracking of the Stone Table and the rebirth of Aslan after his death. ‘When a willing victim who had committed no treachery was killed in a traitor's stead, the Table would crack and Death itself would start working backward.’ Well, the ‘Stone Table’ in James’s office has cracked, and Penny strikes me as a pretty willing victim. She has never actually committed any actual treachery or harm, as she was the Protector of Mantle, and fought for its and Atlas’s people until the very end. And because of her death, the actual traitor, Winter, who loyally served James until he had gone too far, was saved. Through Penny’s self sacrifice, Winter was saved. So now Death itself will start working backward.

(Major props to my friend @catontheweb for writing this section, I was getting nowhere with it, if they weren't there this part wouldn't exist!)

Norse Mythology:

The tree we see in the post credit scene gives off some serious Yggdrasil vibes. Also called the World Tree, it is essentially all of creation in Norse Mythology. It connects all nine realms, including the God realms of Asgard, the human realm of Midgard, and the underworld of Hel.

Humans are born from the branches of Yggdrasil. The web of Wyrd is woven for every person once they're born, and their path is set from there regardless of how many times the souls cycle over. But at the end, they're destined to end up in one of the worlds, for a myriad of reasons.

I believe Penny landed closest to this giant tree. She was on the center platform in the void space, so if that space is directly above the island(?) the tree is on, it makes sense for her to fall by the center nearest to the tree. This would not only open up all kinds of possibilities for the volume in general, but it would also create options for Penny.

The whole of Yggdrasil’s representations fit well into Penny’s story. Birth, growth, death and rebirth. We can count Penny’s appearance in V7 as birth for now, her growth is all her development in leaving =the military and becoming a Maiden, her death just happened, and her rebirth would be her revival. And this is a cycle she’s gone through before.

The Norse god Odin and Yggdrasil have quite a connection. In one story, Odin cut out one of his own eyes to gain knowledge from a pool underneath Yggdrasil. The only one that fell whose eyes alone are incredibly significant to the story was Ruby. So, they could choose to have her allude to Odin by having Ruby make some kind of deal with whatever entity likely rules over this magical place. An eye for Penny’s life.

There’s another story about Odin, Yggdrasil and the pursuit of knowledge. Odin so loved knowledge, that he sacrificed himself in a quest to learn the deeper magic of runes. It was believed one could only learn the magic spells from runes in death. So, Odin hung himself on Yggdrasil for nine days as an offering, and teetered between life and death. After he mastered the last spell on the ninth night, he ritually died and all light was extinguished from the world. Odin’s death lasted until midnight, when he was reborn and light returned to the world.

This story doesn’t fit Penny perfectly, but allusions often don’t. So If she really did land near the tree, she could be another loose representation of Odin’s story here. What she did wasn’t for knowledge, but to save her friends and keep Cinder from getting the Winter Maiden power. She believed it necessary that she sacrifice herself to achieve this end. As we established, Penny represents Hope, so her death means the loss of hope. This parallels Odin’s story of his death meaning the loss of light itself. So if this theory holds up, it would make this death temporary, until her rebirth and the return of Hope with her once again.

Alternatively, Ruby has the potential of loosely representing Odin in this story as well. Odin later uses the knowledge of the runes to do many things, but the most relevant one right now is awakening the dead. Both of these stories are about making a personal sacrifice to gain something that is desired. Ruby would absolutely make such sacrifices if it meant saving Penny.

It is said that Odin lived “according to his highest will unconditionally, accepting whatever hardships arise from that pursuit, and allowing nothing, not even death, to stand between him and the attainment of his goals." This sounds like Penny's arc of accepting the WM powers. This is more just a general connection between Penny and Odin, but I found it interesting.

Side Note: I encourage anyone who’s interested to look into RWBY connections to Norse Myth, there’s a surprising amount of things that feel eerily similar to the show. Likely just coincidental, but it’s fun to think about!

(If I got any of this wrong, I sincerely apologize by the way. I researched as best I could, but I admit it could have been lacking.)

Ambrosius and the Staff:

Ruby told Ambrosius "we kinda wanna keep her around longer than that" as part of her very specific instructions. Then Penny died about ten to fifteen minutes, at the absolute most thirty minutes later in-universe. I don’t know about you, but to me that seems very short to be considered ‘longer than that’. Technically it is, but when writing a story and a character says something like that, you typically don’t just kill the character they were referring to basically right away. It makes sense for a week-by-week watch, but in a volume binge, which many viewers do, it becomes ironic how fast Penny dies after being removed from her robotic body.

The first time we see the staff of creation being used, it's to save Penny. Using the staff of creation to help Penny is a sign of how incredibly important she is.

They’ve even got this entire transformation sequence for her, so it wouldn’t make sense for them to throw all that away two episodes later. In a meta context, it’s a massive waste of time and budget considering the asset creation for Penny.

Penny is a character who has already hopped bodies two times. And now we're supposed to just believe that this time it really is a final death? Just two episodes after we were explicitly told her body isn't what matters, that "Her soul is who she is" and that "the mechanical parts are just extra"? From a writing perspective, it feels strange, like your breaking a promise right after making it. And frankly, CRWBY is better than that, which makes me think this is not the actual end for her.

A possible connection between Penny, Ruby, and the Staff (thus Creation) can be seen in the intro. As Ruby is falling and being dragged down into the darkness, she is shown reaching for the staff. In the void space, Penny is the one with the relic. So with Penny having this strong connection to Creation, and the lyrics “fight for every life” playing as Ruby reaches for the staff, it’s a safe assumption to make, with the knowledge we now have, that the Staff of Creation represents Penny in this particular moment. Which could mean that V9 will be about, at least partially, fighting for Penny’s life.

Musical Hints:

In terms of music, Friend, as a song for Penny, is very dissonant from the episode itself. The song is oddly cheerful for Penny’s recent untimely death, and it overall highlights the wrong parts of death. It’s simply too happy to be a song about losing one of the most, if not the most joyous characters in the entire show. The song also abruptly ends. There’s no outro, and while this could symbolize the fact that Penny died young, it could be that the song itself is unfinished in a story sense.

What do we hear just before the song finishes, though? A progression of notes that sounds eerily similar to the last line of the opening of Volume 8. The notes for “Fight for ev’ry life” and “Who fin’lly felt alive'' share a similar melodic structure, they aren’t perfect clones of each other, but they are incredibly similar, to the point where it seems intentional. Penny may very well be the life that the opening song is fighting for. It is also worth noting that the line “Fight for every life” comes just after “Sometimes it’s worth it all to risk the fall,” which is the exact wording used for the description in the Volume 8 finale. Team RWBY risked the fall, yet, strangely the opposite of fighting for every life happened with Penny’s sacrifice. Perhaps the time to fight for every life has yet to happen, and we will see it come Volume 9.

For another thing, the lyrics for Friend are entirely centered on Penny’s feelings for Ruby, to the point where they read very much like a bittersweet love song. The music itself is incredibly cheerful, as mentioned previously, creating a mood whiplash with the end of the volume. Why would we hear a song about Penny’s feelings for Ruby, sounding like a love song, if her death is supposed to be a tragic sacrifice akin to Pyrrha’s? The song may very well be giving a clue into its future use in the show proper.

If this was meant to be a good bye song, why make it so cheerful and romantic sounding? There's only one part about her dying and even then, it's just too accepting and goes right back into cheerfulness. The song is also pretty hopeful, telling Penny's story in a fairly chronological order. And the part where she talks about sacrifice is quite pointedly followed up by one about feeling alive. It also ends with the super cheerful chorus, the word "alive" being the last... (Remember the episode title: The Final Word)

(I want to thank my friend @shadow-0f-x for writing the majority of this section! I was struggling to choose how to tackle it as I am not well versed in music theory.)

What We Didn’t See:

It is likely that Penny understood Jaune's semblance better than him and figured something out about it’s abilities in the same way that she understood Ruby's semblance better than her. She had plenty of time to observe his semblance up close as he boosted her aura to stave off the virus. Because of that intentionally timed cutaway in the finale, we don’t get to hear her explain herself after her strained “Trust me.” All of that seems really suspicious to me.

Pyrrha Parallel:

Pyrrha and Penny both sacrificed themselves to stop or stall Cinder. Jaune tried to convince the both of them to stop. With Pyrrha, he failed, while with Penny he actively helped her sacrifice herself. Doesn’t make sense for the guy who was determined not to let anyone else do what Pyrrha did, unless of course Penny assured him she’d be alright.

The Moment:

RT including the suicide hotline in the description shows that they're aware that Penny basically committed assisted suicide, seeing it as a noble sacrifice worth doing to save her friends. They're aware, and I believe they're smart enough to condemn that decision to hell and back.

The best way to do that in my opinion is to pull her back into the land of the living and let her witness first hand the consequences of throwing her life away so freely. This would show Penny how her actions affected others so maybe she could learn to truly value herself. To not think herself expendable. It would be bold and unwise to portray this choice as something good, unless it was going to be called upon later and be pointed out for how horrible it really is.

On top of this, Penny was way too content with her death, happy even. There's no way team RWBY is letting her stay content with it. It’s almost as though we're supposed to join Ruby and Co. in calling bullshit on what Penny is saying and doing because no, Penny, this is not how things are meant to work. It's as if Penny was basically saying "I want to die for my friends" because most of the volume had been about everyone else making sure she didn't die. She knows it will hurt them. She knows.

At the peak of it all, a choice like this will totally destroy Ruby. It may very well be her breaking point for Volume 9. Curiously, the moment itself is written like it’s the first choice Penny’s ever made, yet the entire Volume shows this isn’t the case. However, this is the first choice that Penny’s made solely independently and it’s rather pertinent that the choice she makes is a mistake. Outside of giving Winter the Maiden gift and saving the day temporarily, this sacrifice will not have any lasting positive effects. Jaune will be saddled with the grief of killing Penny. Ruby will have to live with losing her best friend and not being able to protect her a second time, and Winter now has the burden of the Winter Maiden abilities, making her a target of Cinder. This is a bad thing, and Penny needs to see the long term consequences.

Transfer of Power:

As we all know, colors in RWBY are really important and get a lot of focus in the show. That means the yellow we see as Penny gives Winter the Maiden Powers was intentional and likely important, no matter how insignificant it may seem. It’s possible that the transfer effect being yellow could have something to do with Jaune’s semblance. When Fria gave the power to Penny, the effect was very much blue, so this transfer should have been green since she was the one giving it this time. The weirdness of this transfer and the focus on color in RWBY really makes it look like something’s up with how that went down.

A little off topic, but Penny saying "I won't be gone, I'll be part of you." makes me think... Winter is smart, so when she gets time to think about what Penny said, maybe she'll arrive at the same question many in the audience came to; if she's literally part of Winter, can they be separated again? If Winter starts questioning that, the possibility of Penny coming back just skyrockets.

Fria actually tells Penny "I'll be gone" before giving her powers up, which is an interesting contrast to Penny telling Winter "I won't be gone". She may have gotten that line from Winter be all philosophical in V7, saying Fria was now a part of Penny, but it hits differently coming from an actual Maiden. S5o it’s possible that Maidens usually actually will be gone, but Jaune's semblance did something to change that.

This could go well with the theory that they won't need to find an aura transfer machine, or build another one, because Jaune will have a semblance evolution allowing him to do the transfer instead. It might actually be that this evolution already happened and the golden light we saw was Jaune transferring penny's aura to Winter in some way?

An observation that I find interesting is when Penny gives winter the powers, not only is the aura yellow but penny completely glows yellow too, and she obviously starts to disappear, but she doesn’t seem to fully disappear, she just glows.

It's possibly a fading out effect and she does fully fade but animation makes bright light easier, and so we don't actually see her disappear because she's dead and not gone. But it does once again emphasize the color yellow here!

And the color is coming from Penny, it does go up Winter's arm a bit, but Penny is clearly the source. This transfer is so weird and I’m not really sure how to interpret it. There's just actually no reason that we are aware of to make the effect yellow here is the thing. Unless it has something to do with either Jaune or Ambrosius, or potentially a combination of both...

Jaune’s Aura:

The way we see Jaune's aura break in the finale is strange. His aura shouldn't be breaking here. It had been long enough since he was boosting Penny, he's had time to recharge, and it didn't look like it was a strain on him at all. Plus, we know he has a lot of aura, so there probably wasn't too much to recharge in the first place.

He has a massive amount of aura, it has never broken before as far as I remember. Even if it has though, that doesn’t make this occurrence any less odd. It should absolutely never be a one-hit KO. We didn't see anything that would've drained it, that should not have been enough to break his aura. Unless he did something - something that would require a huge amount of aura - that we just didn't see. That amount of aura drain is far more than just an attempt at healing would do, Jaune absolutely did something with his semblance that took up almost all of his aura.

Pinocchio Allusion:

As any Penny fan knows, her character allusion is Pinocchio, the puppet who became a real boy. Penny deviates from the allusion by having always been a real girl, as Ruby is quick to point out, but she shares many story beats with her original story including multiple deaths. In the original story, Pinocchio dies from being hung by his own strings due to his poor decision making and he dies. Sounds a little familiar, does it not? This is where his tale originally ended. Readers were unsatisfied with this ending however, so the author decided to change the story by reviving Pinocchio and teaching him to be more careful.

Unlike Pinocchio making all the wrong decisions, Penny often makes the right ones, or ones she thinks is right, when concerning others. While usually a good thing, this has meant Penny almost giving herself up multiple times during V8, her last attempt being successful. This is where Penny and Pinocchio begin to share similarities again. They are both very reckless when it concerns themselves. This carelessness comes from different places, but it ends with the same result of them endangering their lives and even sometimes losing them.

In the Disney movie, Pinocchio dies by drowning after going to rescue Geppetto and washes up on the shore (like the beach in V8’s post credit scene). His father is devastated and takes him home to grieve, but as a reward for his selflessness in rescuing his father, the Blue Fairy returns and brings him back to life, as well as granting him humanity. Penny sacrificed her life as well, and it stands to reason that she should be rewarded for it, much like her allusion was.

Penny got her maiden powers from someone with blue aura and then gave her powers to someone with blue aura. So it could be that not only Ambrosius, but Fria and Winter as well represent the Blue Fairy. It could be set up for Winter helping to bring Penny back to life once more. It’s an out there theory I admit, but it’s not outright impossible either. The Blue Fairy in Pinocchio saved him three times that I know of, so RWBY having three representations does make sense.

Geppetto wished for him to live as a real boy, but it depended on what path Pinocchio took. This is very reminiscent of Penny and Pietro. Pietro wants to see her live her life, and surely with him absent in V8C14 that didn't work, despite Penny choosing. Her father did not see her happy enough to live her life, and will only be able to learn her death through others. But Pinocchio's themes were life and being alive. So the likelihood that this is not her end yet is quite high!

A Girl That Fell Through the World:

Penny could be the girl who fell through the world. The girl in the story fled the consequences of a choice. The only person who chose her ultimate fate was Penny. The others were pushed into the void, but she chose to die. The consequence of her choice is Ruby’s grief first and foremost, which Penny won’t see. The girl who fell through the world does come back though, and the world will be changed severely with Penny’s absence. Alternatively, it could also be Penny coming back to Wonderland or wherever they currently are, as long as it’s unrecognizable to her.

What Returning Brings:

Others might say another return would have no story relevant purpose, but I wholeheartedly disagree. Penny gives a profoundly youthful, joyous, and wondrous outlook on the world and story that we hadn't seen since Ruby in Volumes 1-3(not the end), Penny returning would bring a much needed levity back in after the despair they will undoubtedly be going through. While not necessarily a huge thing in most other shows, for RWBY, a show largely about keeping up hope, an ounce of such relief is a necessity.

As much as I hate saying it, Penny’s death does actually make some narrative sense because she had to pass on the Maiden powers. (They could have done this in a number of ways, and I personally think they chose rather poorly, but I digress.) Throughout this whole volume, we can see Penny seemingly being set up to join the main cast, but would have been too strong with the powers. This also accomplishes ridding her of the burden of responsibility that comes with being a Maiden and lets her obtain the freedom that’s so important to her character.

Once she returns, seeing this grief that her actions caused, particularly to Ruby, will get her to realize more that her actions can have serious repercussions. She made a choice, but that choice hurt the people she loves. She must have known that it would but I’m not sure she ever realized just how much.

I didn’t want this post to be heavy in the shipping department, so I largely left it out, but I am going to say this one thing that could have an impact. If Nuts & Dolts is on its way to being canon, which this volume makes it feel highly likely, this could be a catalyst.

It could prompt an arc for the both of them in which Penny learns to live her life fighting for her loved ones, rather than sacrificing it for them. A relationship could potentially start from there. And Ruby seeing Penny learn these things may also help her to stop doing the occasional but very dangerous and reckless things she does. Ruby witnessing Penny coming to terms with what she did to the people that care about her would actually make her stop to think “wait, is this how everyone else would feel if I got myself killed?” That would be a very important moment of character growth for her.

I’m certain there are other significant things that Penny returning can bring to the show. And there are definitely more sections I could add to this. At this point though, assuming anyone even made it this far, I think I’ve been going long enough already. So let’s just roll into the outro!

As painful and hopeless as it seems, I'm choosing to trust them with this because there is absolutely no way they didn't see backlash coming. The way this finale went makes me think that they calculated for backlash and aren’t jumping into something they don’t have a plan to recover from. Whether this trust is unfounded or not remains to be seen, but I don’t think it is currently. I do think, however, that the cause of this backlash was a major misstep. Now that it has happened though, they have a chance to do something good with it.

I know for a lot of you, trust in CRWBY has been damaged, some even irreparably so. And for those that feel this way, I don’t blame you. My trust in them took a hit too, but isn’t broken completely yet. There are many ways that they can bring her back that would make sense with the narrative, they have the ability to make it right, and after going over all of the hints and general weirdness of things many times, I think they will.

I'm feeling pretty confident now and I really didn't expect that to happen at all to be honest. But discussing and theorizing with the discord server seriously helped get my hopes back up surprisingly fast! It’s actually thanks to all of them that this gigantic post even happened! So thanks a ton my fellow Dolts! And a special thanks to!!

@arcana-amicus

@catontheweb

@cosmokyrin

@gaydontmesswithme224

@jammatown919

@shadow-0f-x

They really helped get this thing across the finish line!

And thank YOU for reading all~ of this! I sincerely wish it gave you some of the hope and confidence that I now have!

[secret-engima]

Daywan has spent her whole life knowing she was going to be a Second. It was rare, but they happened sometimes, a Second soulmate after the first died, or if something fundamental changed about a person. (The Glaive had a lot of Second Words.) What else could her Words indicate? "Thank you for taking care of my son, but why didn't you say he was here?" She'd fought against those Words for years, they'd been the center of her teen angst. Daywan had avoided children and childcare like the plague.1

Anonymous said: 2 And then came the Nifs came. They'd been in a little town, straddling the border of Lucis and Tenebrae, neutral for centuries, but the Empire hadn't cared. She'd snatched a baby out of a dying woman's arms and never looked back. As she'd begun the terrifying march that would ultimately take her to Insomnia, she'd collected children and dragged them with her. She'd bitterly regretted her adamant ignorance of childcare, but she could no more leave them to die than she could stop walking.

Anonymous said: 3 "Thank you" was waiting for her. Somehow, arguing with the guards at the gates of Insomnia with her gaggle of children clinging to her legs, climbing her back to tug on her hair, (trying to put braids in with stubborn tenacity) it didn't seem so bad now, to be Second. Not after what she'd seen. She had someone who was waiting for her, maybe he'd be the father of one of her kids. It just made sense when she found a job as a childcare worker, a little less when it turned out to be in the Citadel

Anonymous said: 4 And then there was the sweetest little boy in the daycare, probably a smuggled in relative. She got more then most, given her willingness to look the other way. And then the King came into her room, as the last straggler of the day, the new boy helping her wipe the table down as she talked about some fun foods she'd eaten (trekking cross country with demons and Nifs hunting you cut down on your food prejudices) and then, "Thank you for looking after my son, but what is he doing here?”

Anonymous said: 5 Daywan isn't even sure what she stutters in response. The warmth in her Words let her know exactly who the King was to her. Hopefully something suitably innocuous, she needed to get home and have a breakdown as she dealt with this revelation.

Anonymous said: Actually, let me change my suggested name for the daycare worker to Daywren. It flows better I think, Daywren Silverblade.

Me: This is SO stupidly adorable I love it. Gonna expand on this backstory but I really like this idea (especially of her being non-Galahdian but totally adopted because of all the kiddos she kept rescuing). Ummmm, don’t think that name will work? FFXV has it’s Naming Theme and all. Think I’m gonna call her .... Lucina. The kiddos just call her Nina because it’s easier to say.

And just-

Lucina has always been an odd child, avoiding childcare and kids like the plague after learning what the swooping scrawl on her forearm MEANT, always more willing to learn to fight and hunt and fish than most little girls her age. Always more stealthy than she should be, always more precise in action than she needed to be. The other townsfolk nod sagely to themselves and say that she’ll be sent off to the city academy once she’s old enough, become a career woman for sure. Possibly even a military woman. Lucina doesn’t mind the thought of it. Can’t get much farther from childcare than being a soldier.

But then Niflheim comes. Niflheim comes and there is a child screaming in the arms of the woman who just got shot at least a dozen times and there is no saving the woman, but she holds out her child with crazed eyes as Lucina runs by and she takes without thinking. And then she is alone in the wilderness. With a baby.

Oh no.

She picks up more of them as she goes on, other children of various ages, some small, some less small, all of them lost and scared and in need of someone to care. She steals or trades for milk to feed the littlest ones, thanks the one bit of forethought she had in taking her bow and arrows with her when she ran as she hunts down food for the ones that are too old for milk.

She isn’t quite sure HOW she makes it to Lucis without losing any of the five children she picked up, just that she did.

And then she learns of Galahd’s sudden, dramatic fall. Finds out when she stumbles on a tight-knit trio of children with ratty braids in their hair and wild eyes and she can’t help but take them too.

She picks up a Galahdian pre-teen somewhere in between the toddlers and adolescents she keeps stumbling on and she could cry from relief in having help minding, caring, and feeding.

By the time she makes it to the gates of Insomnia at age 25, exhausted and underweight and triumphant, she has fifty whole kids and three pre-teens straggling along behind her. She is NOT in the mood for the gate guard’s pomp and circumstance, and the gate guard is not prepared for Lucina’s near feral protective instincts of the kids clinging to her legs and crawling on her back adding braids to her hair (she has so many Clan braids without knowing what they are it isn’t even funny). She gets let in and Little Galahd hears about her somehow so by the time she’s finally in the gates, there’s a hoard of excited, tearful Galahdians ready to reclaim their kiddos and then claim the new kiddos AND their keeper because this woman just returned like- 40+ of their missing kids. There are literal brawls (later and in private) to determine who gets to formally adopt her into their Clan.

Lucina is too tired for the first two weeks to care. Barely bats an eye when a man approaches and introduces himself as Sonitus and asks if he can take out all but one of the braids in her hair. She tells him that if he’s willing to face the screaming hoard of kiddos that will descend upon his soul, then by all means.

It’s only later someone thinks to sit her down and explain Galahdian adoption, but she has no family now so ... being the adopted sister of a Bellum is alright she guesses. Better than being alone and homeless.

Lucina ends up getting a job in childcare. Despite never having wanted to do things with children before and not having any professional schooling in the caring of kids, apparently everyone has heard of her fifty kid entourage and assumed she was some kind of childcare person who lost her papers. Since nothing is as terrifying as keeping fifty kids (several of whom are infants) alive in the wilderness, when she is offered a daycare job by one of the Galahdians who Knows Somebody With An Opening, she takes it.

She did not expect the Knows Somebody would actually be “the guy who hires Citadel people owes me a major favor” and the Opening to be the CITADEL DAYCARE.

Okay fine whatever. Better than being jobless and at least the kids in there are healthy, well fed little scamps and food is just a microwave or oven away rather than a mile into the wilderness and ready to run if it catches her scent.

For all Lucina claims to not have a way with kids, she is Good With Kids. She had no idea why kids seem magnetically attracted to her but they are and the other workers quickly learn to yeet the problem children her way.

Which is why when she finds a newcomer smuggled in on the day she is alone in her shift (the other worker meant to work the shift with her called in sick) she doesn’t bat an eyelash and is just grateful he’s such a sweetheart. He calls her Nina without hesitation (the nickname the other daycare kiddos gave her, apparently Lucina is hard to pronounce for tiny tongues) and trundles after her in all his five year old glory, trying dutifully to help her with things so she doesn’t force him to go interact with the other kids (she does not force him, what’s the point of forcing a shy child into a situation where they don’t feel safe? It will only end in tears, let him get used to watching the others before encouraging interaction).

She doesn’t notice the Citadel’s slow descent into madness or the way two of the five Crownsguard that lurk on the outskirts of the daycare are repurposed for some other task. Well. She does notice. It’s just that she doesn’t care. As long as nothing tries to enter the daycare unauthorized it’s not her problem (and if something DOES, well, she’s got about five freshly sharpened knives hidden on her person where kiddos can’t reach and adults can’t see and the long looped cord holding back her ponytail has a steel center just GREAT for strangling someone who tries something. These kids are in her care, she’s not going to just leave it up to Crownsguard to protect them if someone so much as lays a finger on them with ill intent).

The servants and the spouses of the Crownsguard, who are apparently all working overtime today for some reason, come to pick up their kids and Lucina herds everyone into neat lines for retrieval while keeping an eye out for imposter adults or strangers (it’s happened before, she ruined her favorite top putting a stop to it before a Crownsguard managed to take care of the issue). One of the maids who works on the royal levels spots Lucina’s tiny shadow (he calls himself Noct, it’s clearly short for something but Lucina thinks it’s cute) and her eyes grow to the size of plates, “That’s-!”

Lucina blinks and idly pets the boy’s hair when he hides behind her leg, “Oh, you know him? He says his dad works upstairs. I know something is going on today but can you call his dad down here? The daycare is closing in an hour.”

The woman nods dumbly, looking shocked for reasons Lucina doesn’t get and wanders off with her own child, who is the last one other than Noct to be picked up. Lucina and Noct hang out for the next ten minutes or so as the father steadily does not come by, and Lucina is hiding her worry well over what to do with Noct as the boy busily helps her clean off the table and put away the last of the toys when the doors to the daycare slam open.

Lucina puts herself in front of Noct on instinct, hands dropping to the knife sheathed in the small of her back and ready to fight before she registers.

The Shield of the King is standing in the daycare.

The King of Lucis is standing in the daycare.

“Dad!” Chirps Noct as he buzzes past her and flings himself into the arms of the monarchy who has that distinctly crazed, frazzled look that only comes from being worried sick over one’s child.

Oh.

Oh dear.

Noct’s dad “works upstairs”.

Noct. Noctis

Oh dear.

Lucina tries to discreetly lower her hands away from the (still sheathed thank goodness) knife but is pretty sure the Shield knows exactly what she was doing. The king is still busy fussing over his son, half-lecturing until Noct starts going on about “Nina” and how much fun he had with her down here.

The King looks up, “Thank you,” he rumbles, “for looking after my son. But why did you not tell anyone he was here?”

The words on her forearm, hidden under a soulmate sleeve, burn like liquid fire and her heart stops.

She thinks- she thinks she says something in return, but her mind is screaming because-

This is her soulmate.

28 years old and she has finally met her soulmate.

And it’s REGIS LUCIS CAELUM. KING OF LUCIS.

From the shocked expression on the king’s face and the way one hand suddenly clamps on his right ribcage, she’s pretty sure he just realized it too.

[bbq-hawks-wings]

BBQ gripes about fanon Hawks

Not even gonna put this in the character tags aside from the spoiler one I use just for the anime-onlies on my blog. I'm salty. I just wanna vent. I want to keep the general character tags fun because it was awful when I went looking for new content and found so much Not Fun material a while back; and I don’t want to become what I hate. Basic point - my blog, my vent, and unless it’s reblogged (which you are welcome to if you like) this post dies here.

Please know this isn't a callout post or me claiming that others are being fans of Hawks "wrong" because they disagree with me. I am a huge proponent that (with very few exceptions) fiction and fandom should be free to be enjoyed, reinterpreted, or otherwise indulged in however the individual fan prefers; and if I don't like it, I let them have their space and go do my thing elsewhere and leave them alone (hence why this not going in character tags). I just have been annoyed with the rampant mangling of Hawks' canon  personality/characterization - that is, confusing common fanon interpretations of him with how he’s actually written/portrayed and then getting angry (like, actually-angry-spilling-into-publicly-dragging-real-people, not just disappointed) when he acts like canon Hawks in canon. Non-canon is open season and by and large has my blessing, it’s just frustrating when it gets dragged into discussions about the manga. 

This has been going on a long time, but I just want to get it out of my system in my personal space. All this is, is my "Overthinking Tumblr blogger Shakes Fist at Cloud" moment.

#1 Hawks is a sociopath/unempathetic.

I just... I... You can't be reading the same manga I am if you genuinely come to this conclusion about who he is in canon. A man with nothing to gain by looking like this when considering the depths of the suffering inflicted on others that he bears some amount of responsibility in...

...cannot be called unempathetic.

"But he killed Twice and Best Jeanist!"

Twofold counterargument to this one, starting with BJ - we don't actually know he's dead. There's a body, there's a disappearance, and we have no idea wtf happened, but we also don't know wtf happened. It's drastically ooc for Hawks to murder someone in cold blood. For someone who places emphasis on speed specifically "because when two sides keep fighting and won’t give up, someone eventually has to die" it makes no sense for him to not have had a plan and simply ambush a man in his own home - this goes doubly since he was in contact with the HSPC and had time to "premeditate" anyway.

And as for Twice: Hawks ran out of options. He wanted to detain Twice and keep him from escaping and helping the MLA. He was able to do so when alone, but the moment Dabi cornered him Hawks had a choice to make - probably die in the fight and let Jin go or make absolute certain he can’t and still probably end up dying because he's in bad shape and still probably won't make it out of this, regardless. I don't need to harp on this - it's been said a couple different times now by several people. Even in 266 when Dabi initially ambushes Hawks, Hawks thinks to himself that he’ll carry Jin out of the building to keep himself and Jin safe before Twice retaliated and Dabi literally forces Hawks into a corner.

Jin's loss was a blow, but the chips on the table being wagered are human lives, not feelings. Up until that point, Hawks did everything he could despite the weight of his decision. Human life is human life, and Jin’s life isn’t more important than the may more who will be saved by quashing the MLA’s revolution. Simply equating “could kill someone” with “unempathetic” is fundamentally flawed, and mistaking someone who is pushed to kill despite every attempt to avoid it as unempathetic and even sociopathic has missed the point to the extreme - the mere fact he avoided lethal force for so long alone proves he possesses empathy.

#2 Hawks is a compulsive liar.

He is a good liar, but he does not like lying. He does twist the truth, but always when forced to keep a secret. Even then, his lies are predominantly spun from truth and omitted details instead of outright fabrications. He doesn’t gaslight, and he doesn’t make up stories/details if he can help it.

When Hawks told Endeavor his dreams for the future, that was the truth. When he told him he thought he was cool at the hero billboards, that was the truth.  When he tells Tokoyami to focus on his strengths instead of merely covering his weaknesses to be a better hero, that was the truth. When Tokoyami asks Hawks for his weakness and even why he took him on as an intern in the beginning just to ignore him, he tells him the truth.  When he tells Jin he "doesn't belong in a cage" and that he considers him a good person, that was the truth. When he recognizes he’s profoundly wounded Jin for deceiving him for months, he tells Jin the truth. When confronted by Dabi and he doesn’t need to lie anymore in this fight to the death, he tells him the truth despite not actually needing to in hopes to learn the truth behind Dabi and Shigaraki.

I don't have a better segue, so I'll just mention that a lot of folks who believe this also believe the next point.

#3 Hawks is unapologetically emotionally manipulative.

The context makes a huge difference and we need to look at when and why he manipulates others as well as the fact that he does.

At the hero billboards, Hawks plays the heroes on stage as well as the crowd. He's trying to shift the mindset of, "oh yeah, just another hero ranking" to "wake up, mf's, things are changing and you better be ready to change, too!" Rocking the boat is a huge no-no in Japan. Despite being part of his “persona” there is still real social risk involved with this move but one that he deems necessary to turn heads and get gears turning. This is not just an elaborate ploy to get under Endeavor’s skin, but an effort to reach a wider audience while he has them captive.

He does use the public crowd around him and Endeavor before the Hood fight as an excuse for its appearance, but the original intent was to mentally prepare Endeavor for what was potentially (and proved to be) the fight of his life without outright telling him so he could maintain his undercover status. When he realizes he’s part of the reason for Endeavor’s permanent scar and life-threatening injuries, he feels remorse.

He lies to Jin to get information out of him, but linking back to #2, when calls Jin a good person and offers him a way out, he’s telling the truth. He does feel guilt for having to manipulate an otherwise well-meaning person and betraying them, especially given his long-running history of being used and the ongoing issues he suffers from because of it.

When he meets up again with Endeavor to drop his clues about the League’s movements, he squirms when he realizes the interns don’t know him well enough to know he’s blowing smoke because he does NOT want these kids to actually buy what he’s selling. This espionage mission is hard to navigate, and he has to tread carefully lest he setup the dominoes in the wrong places.

This is all to make the point that Hawks is more than capable of emotionally manipulating people, but it’s not in his nature or something he does to any and every person he comes across just because. We haven’t had much opportunity to see him operate outside of the HSPC’s orders which is where the bulk of the instances of his manipulation comes from - those orders requiring him to operate covertly and thus, by nature, necessitate lying, manipulation, and strategically withholding information. 

If anything, when he’s making an appeal to someone else as his own person - not as a hero on a mission- we actually see a level of vulnerability and transparency we don’t otherwise catch.

Though it’s technically canon-adjacent and not necessarily canon in and of itself, in My Hero Academia: Team Up Mission where he works with Bakugo and Midoriya he operates on a level of transparency with them we’re not used to seeing; and my theory is he took it as an opportunity to operate without ulterior motives and build report instead of bucking back against “training up the next generation of heroes” like he initially did with Tokoyami.

Which now actually segues better into the next point.

#4 Hawks never lets people get close to him.

There’s a surprising amount of evidence that Hawks wants the ability to be an open book. Back at Team Up Mission, the restaurant staff note he regularly takes people he likes to their establishment - so we’re basically told outright this is a special place to him reserved for enjoying himself and only people he likes get to share it with him - so we already know what that says about how he sees those two despite their sparse interactions. We already know he’s taken Endeavor there when Endeavor made no move to input as to where he wanted to have the lunch meeting.

Though he kept Tokoyami at arm’s length initially, we have at least three canon instances of him sharing personal interactions with him with other canon-adjacent indications he cares for and values his intern. We’ve readily established that while Endeavor may not consider himself close to Hawks, Hawks does hold Endeavor as near and dear to his heart. While his only mission regarding Twice was to get information out of him, he still made a genuine effort to help and save him because he wanted to and considered him a friend despite the circumstances.

We still don’t know very much of Hawk’s past, his personal relationships outside of work, etc.; but despite the HPSC’s extensive efforts to strip him of his identity he not only possesses a faceted, complicated personality but seems to want to share that with others readily when and in the ways he’s able. Getting into the truly squishy, vulnerable parts of him may take a while, but on a scale of closed to open, he seems to lean towards open.

#5 Hawks is hopelessly in love with Dabi and will abandon everything up to this point for him.

This isn't to throw general DabiHawks shippers under the bus. Most of them know VERY well at this point that canon has sunk that ship, and they're just having fun with it at this point - and you know what, power to you! They look great together! In another life, the character chemistry could have been incredible. There’s a lot of great DabiHawks shipping content I thoroughly enjoy despite not shipping it myself.

It just isn't canon. It never was and never came close. Even now, with the Endeavor reveal being very much imminent, Hawks' view of Dabi is one of a lying, malicious, callous, murderer. Though he’ll likely be crushed at the revelation of what Endeavor’s done, that doesn’t equate to him defecting (especially not immediately) and falling into Dabi’s arms.

And Dabi hates Hawks just as much.

Again, this is not anything against the ship or the shippers - just an annoyance I have with some who were so wrapped up in the ship they were genuinely mad when the ship sank and they dragged that frustration out into the real world against real people when canon didn’t align with fanon. 

Ships are some of the most stupid things to rail against creators and fans over, and the amount of harassment they receive now over shipping has me ripping my hair out when I know it’s a mere fraction of the total pool of shippers who are frothing at the mouth while the rest are super cool and happy doing their own thing and keeping to themselves.

Ship what you want, regardless of “validating evidence” and have fun. Don’t make it others’ problem when it isn’t canonically validated.

#6 Hawks is a dirty cop.

Only half upset with this one because it comes down to the nuance and lack of precise definition of this phrase I have a problem with. Lots of people hate cops for very real, legitimate reasons. Police forces - being a voluntary, government-employed force enforcing government rule - are notoriously prone to corruption of every kind.

It's implied the HPSC is itself corrupt, though to what extent we don't know. (Granted, buying a young child from his family to raise as your personal puppet is pretty high up there.) By continuing to follow orders from the HPSC and not vehemently fighting back, many see him as reinforcing a corrupt institution and at least partially liable for their continued hold on society. 

Fair enough, but... The issue I have with this is it reduces Hawks to his job.

I believe a huge chunk of this take comes from my experience as an armed service member spouse, but it's easy for me to empathize with a guy

Who was promised the moon for himself and his family in exchange for his service not realizing what was actually being asked of him

Is praised outside the organization for "being a hero" and "upholding this country's core values" while first-hand witnessing the corruption of it when inside

Is viewed as a cog valuable only in services rendered instead of being treated like a human by said organization and worked into the ground because of it

Is frustrated by the insistence to keep the status quo instead of improving procedure/infrastructure/environment because egos need to be padded over real, human problems being solved

Has his autonomy or otherwise ability to operate under his own judgement restricted in favor of maintaining organizational control at the cost of effective action

Has DEPENDENTS who rely on his continued work to provide for them and is thus unable to refuse an order, even when it's morally reprehensible and even outright illegal

Whose cries, both those calculated and desperate, to the organization (who have placed themselves as the sole resource he can turn to) for help (even for his own body/mind) fall on deaf ears until he breaks to the point of becoming unusable or dangerous - and even then minimal effort/responsibility is taken in favor of keeping him functioning in the organization as long as possible.

Hawks fights back against the HPSC constantly. He raised concerns over letting civilians suffer to get him in with the League of Villains and then still defied orders by reducing casualties to zero. Despite orders to keep his mission top secret, he's informed Endeavor of his motives/movements independently from the rest of the heroes. He had long refused to take an intern (read: fresh meat for the machine) to train until this year, and even then sought to minimize his encouragement of Tokoyami for as long as possible until he realized Tokoyami was made of the real mettle people needed in a hero and not just another youngster endangering himself on a pipe dream.

He even takes initiative to keep his personal to-do list from the HPSC to a minimum by squashing problems before they come knocking asking him to fix it for them. He knew of the League of Villains and anticipated the escalation of their movements immediately after the USJ incident as well as has a network of informants and connections with local police forces to stay in the know.

His methods for apprehension of criminals are, and continue to be, to react and detain them so quickly they can't retaliate or endanger others in the struggle, thus minimizing human loss and injury despite the insinuation the HPSC has told him that gloves are off in the current situation.

He might be "a cop" depending on the definition we go with, but he isn't a dirty cop. He doesn't plant evidence. He doesn't shoot first and ask questions later. He doesn't blindly take orders. He largely doesn't see "villains" as dirt under his shoe but as people pushed to extremes. He's a morally convicted individual trying to rebel within the system instead of tearing it down outright. He may be wrong in the assumption, but he genuinely believes he can do more on the inside of the system than outside.

#7 Hawks is a manwhore.

Ok, this one is not serious and actually just to end this all on a lighter note after ranting until I'm blue in the face. 

I'm 100% guilty of this myself. Something about that chicken makes me and many others salivate - either for themselves or to watch him with someone else. We love dressing him up slutty, portray him as flirting unashamedly, and placing him in as many overtly sexual scenarios possible.

The best part about all of it, though, is that it’s almost the exact opposite of how he dresses/conducts himself in canon. His clothes are loose fitting and high-coverage. He’s personable, but never gives any indication he’s romantically/sexually involved or interested in anyone. The asscourse is real only because we cannot confirm either way due to his baggy clothes. His overall figure/body shape has been hinted at, but only recently confirmed; and his jacket had to be literally be burned off to get a good look at the pattern of his shirt under it!

~~~~~~~

And with that, I release the frustration and move on. 

Enjoy fanon as much as you like - even I do! Just be aware of where canon and fanon diverge, and definitely don’t take the difference out on real people. Please also be aware of how others hold their favorite characters dear before flooding the general tags with negativity and creating a hostile environment for them. People latch onto their “comfort characters” for a plethora of reasons, and when they lose that character to the plot, the fandom, or otherwise, they should still be allowed to grieve and celebrate what they had in a safe environment. 

Retaliation in response to others coming against your favorite is also not acceptable behavior. It sucks, but the most mature thing to do is step away from the general fandom, stick to blogs/spaces you know are safe, and let the storm blow over. Comfort characters do not justify mistreating real people no matter how much they may mean to you.

When “canon gets it wrong” is where fanfiction and pockets of the fandom community comes into play. Leave those people alone and let them be. For those who aligned themselves with canon, they are not free game to take personal frustrations out on. Leave those people alone and let them be. Unfollow the people/tags you need to for your own sake and others’, and the fandom will be a better place all around over time. Venting belongs in controlled spaces away from the rest of the fandom and with enough warning for those who not only don’t want to endure it but who for their own safety shouldn’t.

Fandom is a community, and healthy communities do not endorse members lashing out when they don’t get their way.

[linkspooky]

Powerless Aizawa

Aizawa Shota is introduced to us as an overly harsh and strict teacher, who pushes his students to their absolute limits and seems to prefer sink or swim mentor styles. This is however an outward personality he projects, to appear strong, to appear in control of things. We know now that Aizawa is one of the most deeply caring charaters in the series, so why does he feel the need to act so aloof and unemotionless, strictly rational at all times? 

We learn a lot of his backstory in My Hero Academia: Vigilantes, the canon prequel and it informs a lot of his behavior in the main story. MORE ANALYSIS UNDER THE CUT. 

1. Aizawa Appears to be in Control

Aizawa is introducted to us as an incredibly strict teacher. One that forgoes the policies of the school and expells students on a whim if they do not meet his own personal standards. Aizawa’s soft side is known to us now, but it’s also important to remember that he still even now embodies the philosophy “cruel to be kind.” He almost never lets his soft side show around his students, and he prefers to appear as a harsh teacher in front of them at all times. This is still his main way of engaging with the world. 

Aizawa believes niceties, showing compassion, all of those things are secondary to raw technical merit in hero work. Which is ironic because Aizawa’s shown a lot of compassion, especially for those younger than him who lean on him for emotional support. But the person who he really is, and the person he presents in front of his students are two different people, as different as night and day.  He even repeats this bevaior in the light novels. SCHOOL BRIEFS. Vol 1. 

Shota Aizawa made a point of living his life rationally. In other words, cutting out all that was unneessarey, extraneous, or wasteful. Accordingly, he had no preferences when it came to food or clothing, because time spent fussing over such things was time wasted. His hair was long and unkempt, and his otufits were all identical, or at the very least indistinguishable from one another. In his eyes, the only point of eating was to nourish oneself, so he mostly subsisted on nutrient jelly. Clothing and living spaces that emphasized form over function and comfrot were absurd, cooking elaborate meals and caring where the ingedients were grown or processed was nonsensical. 

For Aizawa everything other than raw technical merit is unnecessary. He breaks people down to what they are capable of and tends to see them as that first. In a way Aizawa while aware himself of the flaws of the hero system that he was also once excluded from, sometimes repeats those same flaws. He almost expels Deku for having a quirk that’s not compatible with his body on the first day, rather than you know, trying to help him or teach him better ways of using his quirk. 

Since he reduces everything to raw merit and achievement, he tends to reduce students down to their potential and doesn’t even bother to teach those he sees no potential in. Its an elitist and flawed metho of teaching. Teachers are supposed to you know, teach, not let the students fall through the cracks intentionally. 

Especially since Aizawa is already aware they exist in a flawed system that lets people like Midoriya fall in the first place, and at the start of the manga it seems his policy is to just let them fall and put all the responsibility on their shoulders for not being good enough. That’s a sign of poor teaching, because as I said, those students were going to fall anyway. Not bothering to try, letting the weak fall, and paying all attention to the strong, that’s just reinforcing a broken status quo instead of trying to improve the students like a teacher ought to. Aizawa is the first and only person to notice, and lecture Deku for how self destructive his actions are but at the same time he doesn’t do anything substantial about trying to dissuade him from that. It’s something that could be solved with like, a personal talk, telling Deku that actively harming himself over and over again is something that will destroy his chances of being a hero, but Aizawa just lets Deku fall flat on his face because he emphasizes learning it on his own so much. 

Aizawa’s method of teaching is sink or swim. He lets them fall entirely on their own and doesn’t himself seem to care if they drown. He’s as harsh as possible and treats first day students as if they have the same do or die consequences as professional heroes. Even though a necessary part of learning is making mistakes. 

Aizawa calls this his kindness, but once again Aizawa only ever allows himself to show that kindness in indirect ways. He only ever allows himself to be strict, because anything else is unnecessary. 

In other words, the way he teaches is so that his students will be prepared for everything. He expects them to be in control at all times, and overcome any circumstances. And his way to teach themt his is to not adequately prepare them, and throw them headifrst into things so they will learn to adapt to almost anything. He doesn’t warn them aduquately ahead of time, because Aizawa believes the world to operate that way. 

The world is not logical, it is illogical. Heroes are not working under controlled circumstances like in a classroom, they are entirely uncontrolled. Aizawa himself believes that since it’s impossible to control everything he has to send his students into these situations as blindly as possible so that they can learn to survive basically in the wild. The strong will survive, and the weak won’t, and because of that he believes that those who are going to be crushed like this are better off being crushed. 

He doesn’t prepare them, because he thinks they’ll never be prepared enough. So they have to learn to survive unprepared. Aizawa is like this with all things, projecting the harshest personality possible, removing the extraneous, acting in the quickest most efficient ways. Because he believes his mistakes get other people killed, and there’s no recovery once he’s made a mistake. You can see this even in the way he deals with villains, he jumps straight to torture in about ten seconds. Aizawa is completely brutal. 

Aizawa himself even realizes it at times. By raising his students as efficiently as possible, sometimes he neglects the fact that they are kids, because he’s raising them primarily by strengthening their quirks. He even admits that nobody thought Bakugo after being kidnapped for several days and having his kidnapping made national news and All Might getting hurt as a result of it might need a few days of guidance. Aizawa is a part of a system that reduces kids down to their quirks and their strength, and sometimes he reinforces that system even when he’s aware of its flaws. 

Because Aizawa as a flawed character, is still shaking off the flaws of the system he was raised in as well. He’s still learning from his students in the same way he is teaching them. 

Even though Aizawa’s quirk is suited to teamwork, not only does Aizawa work entirely by himself alone at night as a hero, but he also teaches his students this as well. His methods which are basically sink or swim or survival of the fittest basically emphasize individual strength above all else, because he believes their greatest merit of a hero is their ability to survive every situation on their own, without making mistakes that could be costly. He believes out their in the wild, nobody is going to help you if you fall and all you can do is learn to overcome entirely on your own with sheer strength. 

That you as an individual have to be in control of everything, in order to be a hero. This isn’t what Aizawa actually believes though, it’s what he wants to project. He is essentially, an overly harsh control freak when it comes to his own life (hence why he devotes it to 100% hero work, teaching and literally nothing else) and that is all a response to his trauma. 

2. Aizawa is Afraid of Everything He Can’t Control

The reason Aizawa is so strict, and always employs sink or swim methods comes from his youth. Aizawa has dealt with feelings of powerlessness all his life, especially because his quirk is not suited to combat the way other heroes quirks were. 

Aizawa has an extremely low image of himself. Due to the fact that he’s not personally strong enough to save everyone, he therefore cannot save anyone. He fundamentally views himself as a weak person incapbale of saving others especially because his quirk is weak on its own and not suited for combat. 

Aizawa is extremely harsh, but he’s harshest on all on himself. To him the worst thing is failing to save someone, so therefore if he thinks he’s not prepared for the responsibility of saving someone he won’t even try. Part of the reason Aizawa does not reach out to others as much is this overhwleming sense of responsibility he has. If he gets involved he’s responsible for everything. If things go out of control, he will be the one responsible for not being strong enough to handle it on his own. The same can be applied to his students, if one of his students goes out into the field and dies because they were unprepared, it’s his fault for not teaching him properly. So he gives up on and doesn’t even bother to teach the ones he doesn’t want to take that responsibility for. 

In the flashback, Aizawa begins to change little by little when he sees someone who recklessly takes the leap and saves the cat anyway with no thought at all, whereas Aizawa himself is constantly held back from showing how much he cares by his own thoughts of inferiority. He’s kind but he never allows himself to be, because he believes he’s too weak to be kind, to be able to help others, so he only ever shows it in indirect ways. 

We see a lot of Aizawa reacting to the world around him. He can’t do anything on his own because of his quirk, and therefore he sees it as wrong for him to rely on others. He sees himself as weak because he needs others and doesn’t excel in individual strength. 

Aizawa’s goggles come from that same hero who he saw as able to take the reckless leap and save people instead of getting caught up in his own self doubt. HIs closest friend at the time. When he started to wear those goggles, to lean on him for assistance, Aizawa started to improve. There is no way he ever would have improved if not for that friendship, that thing which modern day Aizawa considers so extraneous. 

Shirakumo breaks through Aizawa’s beliefs that he has to do everything on his own and shows how strong he can be as a part of a team. What was wrong with Aizawa was not that his quirk was weak, but he was too isolated, unable to let anybody help him and therefore constantly stuck with his own self destructive thoughts, and far too aware of his own weaknesses. 

Aizawa is still not able to do everything on his own, but he learns that if he relies on Shirakumo the two of them are stronger as a pair together. They don’t have to destroy their indiidual weaknesses, because both of them can cover for the others weaknesses. It’s not the strong surviving the weak, he’s in a situation where it’s okay for him to be weak and still make use of his quirk to the best of his ability. He doesn’t need to stand on raw combat ability and power alone. 

Being suited to teamwork instead of having a strong individual quirk isn’t presented as a bad thing at all. It’s at this point that Aizawa had the healthiest view of his own quirk, and the way heroes should operate in his life. He was close to breaking the status quo and overcoming the society that had made him feel bad about his own quirk all of his life.

But then we witness Aizawa’s point of trauma. 

His closest friend dies not to a heroic sacrifice, but just a random accident. Just rocks falling. Something Aizawa is completely out of control of. Something AIzawa did not expect at all. He didn’t even get the chance to fight back, it was sudden accident that took a human life.

Not only that but at the time Aizawa then had to fight the villain all by himself. Not only that, but he’s praised for being strong in that moment and taking the villain down alone rather than relying on other people. 

And that’s what broke Aizawa. He really did rely on people. He did work as a part of a team, and was emotionally open to other people around him. Relying on others and not his own strength, not being prepared for everything led to his friend dying by falling rocks. In a moment that was completely out of control, he lost his friend and was fored to fight entirely alone. 

And that is how we see the Aizawa of the current day. He works alone, he believes that people have to survive on their own or they won’t make it into the own, he believes that those who are just falling he should just let them fall because it’s kinder then sending them out into the world. Shirakumo died in a situation entirely out of his control, and now Aizawa seeks to control everything. 

Aizawa as an adult is a fully realized hero who works mostly on is own, who is strong enough to fight alone, and yet carrying Shirakumo’s death with him he still feels completely powerless. It’s those feelings he has to unlearn. The emotional connection with his students has taught him far more than lecturing them on quirks ever has. 

[aarcanefool]

apprentice april asks 1

Decided to fill out these really awesome questions for my boy. They probably don’t all line up with some of my older posts/his about page, it’s been a while since I’ve worked on him... Anyway. I was 100% inspired to fill this out after reading about @waitforawonder ‘s wonderful Meleena

under the cut cause it got long

1. The Basics.  What is your character’s name?  How old are they?  How tall are they?  Skin color? Eye color?  Hair color?  Gender identification?

His name is Taliesin Reece.

He’s about a year and half younger than Asra. I thiiink that puts him at about 23-25 depending on headcanons/math/etc.

He’s 5’3. Fair complexion, has freckles. He has sectoral heterochromia in both eyes, dark teal and brown.

Taliesin is a transgender man.

2.  Love Interest.  Who does your character love?  What attracted them to that particular LI?

I use Taliesin to play all the routes, but ultimately, I think Julian is his main. Though, I’ve been close to writing myself an AU with Taliesin/Julian/Asra

He was initially drawn to Julian’s adventurousness, and his extroversion and openness that made Taliesin feel comfortable (even under the odd circumstances of their meetings). He loves how much Julian cares, how smart the man is, his humor, his knowledge and passion.

3. Familiar.  Does your character have a familiar?  How did they meet?

At the moment, he does not have a familiar, I might change that someday. But for now, he loves animals, and he loves doting on the other’s familiars.

4. Hobbies.  What kinds of things does your character like to do for fun?

Taliesin has a few hobbies, mostly things to keep busy if he’s stuck at home. He likes to sing, or at the very least hum, and he mostly does that while he’s alone, whether he’s just working or just wanting to fill the silence. He also likes to bake, nothing fancy, but usually sweet, likes to bake for others, it’s his go-to for gifts and such.

5. Hidden talents.  Is there something neat that your character can do?  Tie a cherry stem into a knot with their tongue?  Say any word backwards perfectly?

 Well, he has a habit of getting lost, but he’s kind of like a homing pigeon in the sense that he will almost ALWAYS find himself back where he started or somewhere else familiar.

6. Magical talents. Is there a specific type of magic that your character excels at?  Any magic they aren’t so great at?  Or do they actually shy away from magic altogether?

He’s very comfortable with his magic, I think spending time with Asra got him over any fears he might’ve felt there. Fire-related magic comes most naturally to him, and he’s learned to control it so he won’t hurt himself or others. Healing magic is something he has to work the hardest at.

7. Interaction.  How does your character typically interact with people?

Initially he comes off very shy, a little awkward, annnnd maybe like he can’t wait to be anywhere but talking to the person he’s talking to. But he usually warms up eventually. He’s usually more of a listener than a talker, tries to be as positive as possible, might land him in the category of annoyingly optimistic/ignoring very real problems for some people. He cares very deeply, and that usually shows through in his actions as well as his words.

8. Romance.  What is something that your character and their LI love to do together?  How do they show affection?

He’s very physically affectionate – he likes to hold hands/link arms or cuddle or even just lean against his S/O. Though honestly, he’s cuddly with his friends as well. He also is a big fan of acts of services, usually bringing his S/O snacks or something to drink, or maybe just tidying up for them, or combine the two and wash/comb their hair.

In general, any hobbies he can share, he will share. Traveling? Yes, definitively. Singing together. Baking together.

(yes these are reversed, no I won’t fix it)

9. Travel.  Does your character like to travel outside of Vesuvia? How often?  For how long?  What kinds of things do they do away from home?

Oh he loves it. He’s not really a homebody, so any sort of adventure, even if it’s just wandering around the forest for a while is fun for him. Post-game, Taliesin and Julian spend a lot of time away from the city. I like to think he’d start joining Asra on his journey’s as well.

10. WTF.  Has anything just…weird ever happened to your character? Something that made them stop and go “What just happened?!”

*gestures vaguely to the plot*?

That aside, he has a few incidents where his magic would grant him glimpses of the past (I really like the idea of the apprentice having a talent for psychometry, it just seems neat). Most of the time, it was too vague to really understand, and left him confused and light-headed with a headache.

 He also had a vague memory from his childhood when he fell into the sea, he remembers the waves dragging him down, but he doesn’t remember how he made it back to shore.

11. Crime.  Has your character ever been arrested?  If so, what did they do?  Have they ever helped stop a crime?

No, nope. Unfortunately, Taliesin has had a very clean slate with the law.

As for stopping crimes… well, he usually minds his business, but if someone was trying to hurt someone else, he likes to think he’d be the type to do something about it.

12. Secrets.  What is a secret that your character has?  Are they in line for the throne in a far off land?  Was there this one time at band camp…?  Are they secretly involved in an assassin’s guild?

 He’s an open book! ...well, sort of, he doesn’t have much lurking beneath the surface, but he can be a bit of a liar, usually about his well-being, just doesn’t want people to worry about him.

13. Overcompensation. Is there something that your character just HAS to do better than anyone else?  Or are they just that dang good without trying?  If they see someone else showing off, what is their kneejerk reaction?

Well, he really doesn’t like coming off like he doesn’t know anything, so he’s a bitt defensive, tends to stockpile facts about the world if he can. He gets really embarrassed if he’s “caught” not knowing something, even if it’s not necessarily common knowledge.

Depends on what they’re showing off, but he doesn’t really assume they’re trying to show someone else up (he’s optimistic like that), so he’s likely to show support for whatever their skills are, as long as it’s not making him look the fool.

14. Fight Club.  Is your character a good fighter?  What kind of skills do they have?

Not really, he’s more likely to create a shield, and try to reason and/or scare them off with fire magic if he ends up in a fight. I just wanted one oc that wasn’t stabbing people all the time okay

15. The Arts.  Is your character a creative type?  What kinds of things can they create?  Can they act?  Street perform?

Aside from the singing and baking mentioned above, not so much, and he really prefers to keep those to himself, or only share when he’s really close. So, I guess he is creative but not so much visually?

16. Goofy.  Is your character a clown?  Do they like to make people laugh?

He tries, not often and not well, but he tries. Usually the effort (making bad puns, cracking up half way through a punch-line, etc.) earns a laugh, and while its not his go to way to cheer someone up, he considers it worth trying.

17. Language.  Is your character multilingual?  How many languages do they speak?  Do they have an accent?  Is it sexy?  Is it silly? Do they have a multilingual lisp?

He is multilingual – Vesuvian, the language of his homeland which is Irish Gaelic, no his name does not fit with that in the slightest, and No, I don’t know where this place is, not sure it fits on the map that was in the art book… its fine, And Vesuvian Sign Language. As for an accent, I’ve thought about it and I have no idea other than I really want him to have one that isn’t American.

18. Embarrassment. What is something really embarrassing that your character has done/said?

In general… he’s always been a bit clumsy. Head in the clouds type of person. But, hey, everyone’s tripped over their own feet now and again. Not everyone has tried telekinesis and almost succeeded but brought an entire shelf down with the thing they were trying to move. Not everyone has done that twice.

19. Memory.  Has your character gotten any of their memory back? If so, what?  Did it change them?

He has not, at least nothing full. He gets little glimpses; faces he thinks he recognizes, the tune of a song he used to sing, places he can’t remember but remembers the way it smelled or the feeling of snow on his face. While sometimes he worries that there’s still some part of him that’s fundamentally missing, he’s happy with who he is now. He’s made a life for himself, has people he cares for.

20. Family.  Talk about your character’s family.  Who were they?

He grew up sort of split between two households. His father died when he was very young or possibly before he was born not sure which works better, and his mother disappeared shortly after, leaving Taliesin with her parents. They weren’t exactly nobility, but what they lacked in titles they made up for in land. He spent his early years with them, but his grandparents were growing older and didn’t have time for an adventurous youngster, especially when his magical abilities began manifesting.

His father’s family was more attuned with magics, most of them practicing some type or another. They traveled more often, and when Taliesin’s aunt set out for Vesuvia, he joined her along with some of his cousins, to help with the shop and learn magic from her.

[jeannereames]

Happy Birthday to the real Amyntor: Ed Reames

9/11 is a day of mourning in the US. But for me, 9/11 means my father’s birthday. And with Dancing with the Lion: Rise coming out next month--which is dedicated to my father’s memory--I decided I’d post here the tribute to my father that I wrote shortly after his death in February of 2017. My father (and mother) provided the model for Amyntor in the novel. So if you’d like to meet the “real” Amyntor, here he is.

Calvin Edward Reames, c. 1944

As some of you are already aware, my father’s health—physical and mental—has been failing, especially since autumn. In late January, he caught pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital. He never regained conscious awareness and was placed on palliative care. At 3:15pm, Eastern time, February 10, 2017, he died, almost exactly 92 years and 5 months since he entered this world.

Social media has become the communication currency of our time, and supposedly nothing on the Internet ever really disappears. Ergo I want to tell you about my father so HE won’t disappear. This is my own reflection.  No one’s life can be understood by any single individual in it. We’re too multifaceted. The father I knew wasn't even the father my brother knew, as we were born almost 18 years apart--he at the beginning of the Baby Boom and me at the tail end. Yet my father raised a writer for a daughter, so I feel the need to eulogize him as I knew him. Others will have other stories, more or less flattering.

Born on the now-infamous date of 9/11, 1924, in Gorham, Jackson County, (Southern) Illinois, he survived the Tri-State Tornado at only 6 months of age. With him in her arms, his mother ran for the railroad tracks and got on the opposite side from the mile-wide monster bearing down on them, then laid her own body over his; the tornado leapt the tracks and spared them. Perhaps that was an omen for a charmed life. On the face of if, his life might not seem particularly charmed, but he survived the Depression, a world war, and mostly made good on the American Dream. He even lived long enough to see his Cubbies win the World Series.

Iva Mae Gregersen Reames & Daddy, 1925

The eldest of 13 children, he grew up in a family who were poor even by Depression-era standards.  It made him generous, occasionally foolishly so. Yet if he decided someone was “his” (family or friend), he saw it as his obligation to help. That conviction stemmed less from abstract ethics than from an innate kindness arising out of his recall of what it meant to be in need. Sometimes people say, “Well, I managed …” and expect others to suffer as they had.  Daddy could do that, too, but mostly he didn't.  If he could prevent someone from suffering, that made him happy.  He just wanted a “Thank you.” When he was in the war, he sent virtually his whole paycheque home to his mother each month to help care for his younger brothers and sisters. He kept $5.  Yes, $5 went much further then, but as an unmarried corporal in the US army, he made about $65 dollars monthly in 1944.  So he kept 1/13th of his income and gave away the rest.

US Army Corporal, 126th AAA Battalion, 1943

That, perhaps better than anything, exemplifies his fundamental nature. It’s in our actions and choices that, I believe, we reveal our true selves.

He liked to laugh, and kid, but never cruelly. For some families, a disparaging jest is meant as back-handed affection, but that wasn’t heard in the house in which I grew up. When I was younger, I was frequently teased because I walked right into comments with potential double meanings. Perhaps one of the values of getting old(er) is that I’ve aged out of being an easy target. Yet I never learned to hear what others said as an opportunity for ribbing because my parents didn’t find that sort of thing funny. My father's sense of humor was devoid of sarcasm, as he thought it mean-spirited. Some of that owed to his own mother, who—to hear him talk about her—should have been beatified immediately upon her death. But I also believe it owed to having lived through real struggle himself.

To his mind, the world is mean enough. He saw no need to make it meaner via our interactions with people about whom we should care. It's partly for that reason, and a basic aversion to drama, that he was a much-desired member of the pastor-parish relations committee at our church in Lakeland, Florida. His presence tended to tamp down exaggerated crises and occasional bouts of flailing (which is actually a bit funny, given his own tendency to worry).

My father had a will of iron, and a quiet ambition easily overlooked. For instance, when he decided to stop smoking, back before I was born, he’d just received a new carton of cigarettes for Christmas. He threw them in the trash and quit cold turkey because he’d decided he was done. He took up a pipe later (I think largely for image), but decided he didn’t want to do that, either, and just put down the pipe one day. That was it.

"The Lineman," Normal Rockwell

When Daddy decided to do something, he did it. “Failure is not an option”: Apollo 13’s motto. Well, the men (and women) who got Apollo 13 home are my father’s generation. When he returned from the war, he was one of millions looking for a job. He tried on several, but finally decided to work for the telephone company because communications seemed like the future. Before the war, he’d wanted to be a pharmacist, yet circumstance had curtailed the college degree required. So he began showing up regularly in the hiring offices of General Telephone Electric (GTE), asking for work. He made himself annoying. But squeaky wheel gets the grease, and finally they sent him north as a telephone lineman … in January … during a blizzard. He was a relatively little guy (wiry, but short), and they doubted he’d last 2 days. They figured it was a good way to get rid of his terrier persistence.

Daddy on right, GTE employee award

He persisted for 40+ years, and retired as a (self-taught) senior engineer in the mid-1980s. Never tell a Reames, "You can’t do that."

The guys who’d worked under him at the end liked him so much, they kept coming to visit him for years after. He had that effect on people, whether at work, at church, or as a ham radio operator ("This is K9RWP calling..."). They sensed he truly cared about them, and responded in kind. He wasn’t a boisterous or especially outgoing person, but he was still an extrovert. He’d strike up conversations with random strangers in lines at store check-outs.

Especially if there was a baby involved.

Daddy & his great-granddaughter, Leila

See, Daddy loved babies.  And babies loved Daddy. Maybe as a result of being the eldest of 13, but he could burp them, change a diaper pronto, or make them laugh. He so enjoyed watching little kids, especially as he aged; he’d break into a grin just to see them playing at a distance. He was never among the “Children should be seen and not heard” crowd. To his mind, children should be talked to and played with. They would inherit the earth. When my son was born just a few months after my mother's death, Daddy said, “He’s my little replacement.” At the time, I worried his words were fatalistic. But he went on to survive my mother by almost 20 years, and now, I see his words as an expression of continuity. We are our ancestors.

Daddy, Grandson Ian & Licorice as a kitten

So my son, Ian, is his replacement, in the larger sense. When we look forward, we also look back to where we came from. I tried to insure that Ian got to know his Grandpa, who was there just days after he came home from the hospital after birth, and was there when he graduated from high school, even paid his first bill for books at college. Because that’s who Daddy was. If he didn’t get to attend college himself, he made sure both his kids did, and his grandkids. For him, that was an achievement.

As I said…the success of others, especially friends and family, seemed to Daddy the same as his own.

Yet his generosity and empathy extended beyond just people. Daddy was a cat magnet. We used to joke that if he sat down and there was a cat within 50 feet, pretty soon, that cat would be on his lap. He liked dogs, to be sure, but dogs (and horses) were my mother’s favorites. Daddy liked cats, and they liked him. Dogs are forgiving. They’ll stay with even an abusive owner; but cats leave. They don’t put up with crap. Daddy? Even semi-feral cats trusted him.

Daddy, me, Ian, and a completely random barn cat who decided to adopt him for the day at my aunt’s farm

So while he was raised in a time when animals were tools and food more than family members, and he certainly went hunting from a young age to help put food on the table, I think he, more than my mother, had a soft spot for animals. I remember in the ‘70s, he decided we were going to raise rabbits for food, and bought a pair of does. Well, it didn’t take long for yours truly to make pets not only of the does, but of the first litter of babies. All of them had to go to homes where they’d be pets, not dinner. And while I’d made the pronouncement, it didn’t take much to convince my father. Shooting a wild squirrel for the stew pot (especially when hungry) was one thing; killing the rabbits one fed regularly and took care of was another. So our venture in home-grown meat failed miserably (to, I’m sure, the rabbits’ collective relief). Yet it wasn’t just due to my agitating. I don’t think Daddy could have killed a one of them, even if I hadn’t protested. They had names, after all.

He wasn’t a saint. None of us are. The cliche applies: we're a mix of vices and virtues, like shadows against the backlight of the sun. Age softened some of his, while exacerbating others due to a failing filter. Among other things he did well, Daddy was a champion worrier. He worried about anything you can imagine (and then some). Perhaps that owed to growing up in such an unstable era as the Depression when it seemed anything could happen, but for instance, he would remind me constantly to hold onto handrails while going up and down stairs. It seems trivial, but he genuinely angsted over me falling at home and hurting myself when nobody might find me for days. So I (mostly) hold onto rails, because I hear his voice in my head, telling me to.

The irony, of course, is that he was in much more danger of falling, yet he didn't tend to worry about himself. Before he moved up to be near my brother, I tried to get him to buy one of those Life Alert systems. I even employed the ultimate weapon: his grandson (Ian), to beg.  He refused. He’d be fine, because he’s of that generation when all a man should need was himself, a gun, a good job, and a driver's license. And oh, boy, getting him to relinquish that driver's license as he went increasingly blind from macular degeneration was quite the battle, one my poor brother largely had to face when Daddy moved north to Kentucky in his last years. Daddy never did let go of the worrying, though.

He could be impatient, and critical, too, sometimes overly so. I never wanted to sing in front of him because he, like many of his siblings, had an excellent ear and I was, well, usually a little flat. He could hear it, and would say so. But the one he was most critical of was himself, if he failed to live up to his (very high) standards of what he thought he ought to do. Some of that, I lay at the feet of his own father, at least as my mother told it to me. Yet in contrast, as noted earlier, he delighted in the success of others. As a child and young woman I wanted to succeed not because I feared his critique (except about my singing), but because I basked in his happiness when I did well. He could be downright embarrassing in his bragging. If failure, especially his, was not an option, he didn't feel the need to build himself up by tearing down others. He was happy to share the spotlight, or even to applaud from the sidelines--and mean it. Again, maybe that owed to being one of 13, but I think it went deeper, back to his fundamental worldview: “You and me,” not, “Me or you.” He was quietly ambitious, but not especially competitive. Except at cards. Then all bets were off (sometimes literally).

Daddy with Mama, Christmas, c. 1990

One of his most outstanding virtues was his loyalty. For instance, he fell in love with my mother and stayed married to her for 51 years, then never remarried. While it might have been nice for him to remarry, I don't think it was in him; it would have felt like "replacing" her, and to his mind, she had no replacement.

After her death in 1997, I recall going through old pictures of her with him, one from just after the war, which showed them out with friends. Keep in mind that my mother, from childhood until after the birth of my brother, was…pudgy. While on the shorter side, my father was never heavy in his youth. In fact, he got quite buff during WWII: broad-chested and slim-waisted. But as we looked at that picture of my mother next to her friends, he pointed to her with tears in his eyes, and said, "She was the most beautiful of them all." Yup, the "pudgy" girl.

Idalee Brouillette, c. 1944, the picture my father carried during WWII

But he was right: Mama was a stunner. I know that, now, people say I look a lot like her, and I’m honored it’s so. But I was never as pretty as she was, especially in her youth, and I think my father felt bedazzled that this beautiful, black-haired Brouillette girl decided she was going to marry him, and that was the end of it. Her family was better off financially during the Depression, even with Indian blood; they had a farm with a full section, and a car, and enough money for my grandfather to send my mother and her sisters into town to go to school when he thought the teacher at the school on Buttermilk Hill was unqualified. So I suppose you could say Daddy "married up." But to Mama’s mind, she’d won the deal, getting the determined, smart guy.

See, long before they met in person, Mama had gone with her best friend Annie to Gorham High School for a day, visiting. In math class, the teacher put a problem on the board and asked the class to solve it. Only one student could: my father. He got up and wrote the solution on the blackboard, and Mama was enchanted. She asked Annie, “Who is that guy!?”

Some years later, she married that guy.

March 8th, 1946, wedding picture

In many ways, my parents were quite different people. My mother was progressive in thought beyond her time, naturally empathic and perceptive, a bookworm introvert with a steel spine when she needed it and the amazing ability to keep 5+ people’s business in her head without forgetting anything. Everything I know about organization (and I’m pretty good at it), I learned from my mother. My father was conservative, protective, supportive, more intelligent (in sheer IQ), but less emotionally intelligent (EQ), more driven, but less philosophical. Yet they created a unique alchemy of spirit. They didn’t share common interests—Mama loved reading novels, Daddy never read fiction, Mama loved watching murder mysteries, Daddy preferred ball games or the news. Yet they looked out on the world in the same direction, and that’s what mattered.

Ed Reames in high school

In the end, what can I say but that Daddy was the epitome of the Greatest Generation. And now he’s gone. I won’t say we’ll never see their like again, because nobody knows the future. They weren’t perfect—racism was an institutionalized assumption enshrined in segregation, women barely had the vote, LGBTQ wasn’t even talked about—but we, in our current America, could take a page from those who survived abject poverty and economic collapse without government safety nets, then went on to save the world from fascism. They did it not by grand deeds, but by the simple heroism of young men and a few women storming a beach at Normandy or Iwo Jima, a lot of whom never came home. Daddy used to joke that he chased Hitler all over Europe but never caught him.

Daddy, you did catch him. You were part of the men and women who stopped him.

You are my hero.  You are the real Captain America.

I’m privileged and grateful to be your daughter, and I love you, forever.

[easkyrah]

What’s your opinion on younger teens in the sjm fandoms? I’m starting to get uncomfortable when younger kids follow me and their age is outright listed on their description.

This went way longer than I thought it was. I’d originally planned simply giving a one sentence response, but the more I thought about it, the more I think I needed to clarify, and pin down why I felt this way. Because opinions aren’t fact, you know?

I didn’t grow up on bedtime stories where the prince saved the princess. When my mother tucked me into bed, she told me two weeks after her marriage, she cut herself. As she made the motions over her wrist, I sick feeling remained in my stomach for days, and every day my father came home from work, I would rub my palms over my arms.

My father holds that sex remains an integral facet of a marriage. Without intercourse, two individuals exist as friends. So whenever my father felt aroused, he forced my mother to have sex with him, even though she’s repeatedly told me when we’re alone she doesn’t want it—but she has to if this marriage is to work.

I told my mother that that is rape, that he’s undermining the vow to love each other. But my mother’s so broken down from her young, past self, she can’t see it. One day, she asked me, “Do you think your father’s controlling?” Not husband, but my father.

And it is my father that locked me out on the porch, and when he let me in with me blubbering “why why why”, he told me, “I destroy my enemies so completely so that they don’t destroy me.” Me—his daughter—his enemy.

I’d been doing the dishes, and the plates had made a clashing noise. “That sound is annoying,” my father had said, approaching me. “If you make it again, I’m going to start using my fists to keep me happy.”

I told him I’d report him, but that didn’t deter him. “Good!” he shouted. “Report me so that I don’t have to take care of you anymore.” My mother had watched silently, but she knew she couldn’t do anything.

Because he is controlling. He had my mother quit her job before I was born, and told her if she wanted to get one know, it would have to be as a trash can driver—because it’s work that’s singular, where she won’t be surrounded by people. He closed both my mother’s and I’s bank accounts.

My younger sister whispered to me one day when our father was home, “If this is love, then I do not want it.”

I found love overrated at this point, anyway. I identified (and still do) as an asexual, so when my father preached sex was the fundamental root of a relationship, I cringed. And when my sister, still discovering her orientation, told me she thinks she’s bisexual—well, I knew we were doomed.

We couldn’t talk to our parents—because my mother tells my father what we tell her—about how we felt.

“You’ll like boys when you get older,” my father said. It’s why when I was in elementary school, he had me sign a contract that I wouldn’t date until I was over 21. “You’ll start feeling attracted sexually—that’s normal.”

But I never did. I found boys cute, sure, but it never went further than that. And whenever my friends came out to be gay, and he found out, he’d say, “It’s a phase in life, they’ll get over it.”

I’ve never said it outright that he needed to get over his own homophobic feelings. It was not up to him to play a god and determine the happiness of others—such as I cannot let age be an aspect of discomfort to justify monitoring or controlling others.

Who was my father to lecture me on the privilege of having the chance to cut myself when he found out I was suicidal? Who was he to laugh at me when I demanded he re-open my bank account and tell me “that’s cute” when I begged for my own credit card? [Side not, just today I opened a student savings account! It feels amazing having this autonomy, even small, from him. It’s a step.]

Celaena had been told by Arobynn, the father (?) figure she knew, about the ways of assassins. When you apply the psychodynamic view, it’s no surprise she believes in the beginning violence is the answer. And in my household, when not negative reinforcement, but punishment reigns, you associate violence as a form of tough-love.

But books show that this is not the way, and it doesn’t have to be. I read TOG when I was a freshmen, thirteen years old. I’d gone through the Wattpad phase, scoffing and belittling every romance/chick-flick/werewolf/vampire/love work in my head. What did these people know about love, probably conjuring these scenes they wished happened to themselves?

But the beauty with SJM’s works is that not only are her fictional relationships unique, but herself and her husband Josh’s relationship too. With SJM’s characters such as Aelin, it took our favorite protagonist more relationships than the single one in books where the female lead + first male mentioned ship together.

In ACOTAR, on the other hand Nesta’s been assaulted by Tomas Mandray. Feyre goes back to an abusive relationship (arguably) with Tamlin. Elain’s put herself in a shell when Feyre went missing. Her characters intertwined with pieces of my own story. There are not just external challenges, but internal character development cognitively.

And meeting people, conversing with people over Tumblr—I found people just as broken, if not more, than me. You can’t dismiss these people in the fandom across all ages who have had their own experiences because of relativity.

And I find age a relative number. Oprah Winfrey was 9 when she was raped. One of my closest friends, an immigrant from Egypt, was nearly 5 years old when his house had been ravaged apart and the sounds of gunshots still ring in his years more than decades later. And conversely, I learned what a dildo was when I was in a senior in high school—and over Tumblr.

When sex-ed teachers said “don’t have sex till you’re married”, I saw that sentence as justifying what my father said—that sex is essential to marriage. But it is anything but. Trust and communication are. In fact, in social societal circumstances, what you learn in the classroom never covers this. And if you’ve been raped—how do you feel, knowing that you didn’t have a choice?

Because my mother didn’t have a choice, not when she’d be left with nothing now if she filed for a divorce. Neither did my friend who was attacked by a male when she was at the gas station and dragged away in the night at Bakersfield. Education never covers more than the basic of what has been preached for years.

For so long, no’s have been negotiated. If I tell a man “no”, he says, “But I’ve brought you coffee this entire week. I’ve made you food when you were sick. You owe me this at least.” Do I really owe him that? If I’d known his supposed kindness wasn’t hallmark of friendship, but something much more sinister, would I be emotionally manipulated into feeling like a bitch if I’d disagreed?

So when SJM gives me a badass female who goes through the stages of defeat and grief, but picks herself back up, I see a role model. I see what my mother could have been. I see what my father would have deserved—my father who negotiated my mother’s no’s, and that is not okay. “No” is a complete sentence.

It’s not to say SJM’s books prove the epitome of relationships—Aelin had intercourse with Rowan on the beach—do you know how unsanitary that is?? Do you know???

I get the age stigma, and I’m going to admit that I didn’t have my sister read City of Heavenly Fire while Jace and Clary have sex in hell—am I the only one who found that ridiculous?? Books do over-romanticize things, but isn’t that the point of fanfiction? To portray it in however you feel—more realistically?

When I first came onto Tumblr, my fics were only angst. I carved facets of my own family life into these fics, and when I received notes that readers cried and couldn’t believe I had the capacity to write this, they became more exposed unknowingly to bits of me.

I’d rather my sister read books and join the Tumblr fandom than say yes to the boy on the bus showing her a pornographic video (because boys do that unashamed here), allow teammates on our cross country and track team to smack her butt and ask to make her feel better with a kiss, etc.

Because in our circumstance, reading the stories of those, such as Celaena who survived Endovier—she’s the closest thing we have to understanding our own situation of what transpires in our house. When Sam died, my friends had sobbed while those whose parents had passed away—they didn’t shed a tear. So the former learned what it felt like to have someone you loved ripped away from you—and this empathy later on serves as a life skill.

The fandom itself has been incredibly supportive. I’ve met people from Bulgaria to Australia, and not only do I have better glimpses into the culture, the bond of SJM books have brought a situational awareness that I have yet to experience sitting fifty minutes in a high school classroom.

Because it’s too late to learn the truth of things in college. Our brains do not absorb the information as compared to when we were younger. Retention rates and all that—we’ve got to start young. There are many forms of education, and Tumblr taught me that my father is not the only type of male in the world—and that there are others like me who have thought there was no way out.

SJM’s characters have taught me self-love, that I can be more than my environment. Age knows no boundaries. What one person experienced at 9 years old is what another could have in his/her 20’s.

Age has always been a limit. I mean, it wasn’t until the 26th amendment 18 year olds and over could vote—but are there not the prodigies below that mark more informed about government and politics than someone who has only lived in their city and has been exposed to their parent’s opinions since he/she never went to college? Especially today with the Internet as such a vast source and online class to enroll it, education starts with incentive, not age.

And if NSFW posts are the issue, then we can always insert that read-below cut. It won’t prevent them from not reading, but we can always frame it in a way that perhaps is meant for these younger readers, and then at the very end, reveal that it was for such.

We can use our blogs in a positive manner to educate about sex, if that’s the root of uncomfortableness. We can be the sex-ed class that we never got. Tell me why my sex-ed teachers called people out if they asked questions, saying the kids were too eager? If we are to overcome the stigma about learning about our bodies, then we have to be able to talk about it.

The youth are the future generation, and if we keep teaching kids that we shouldn’t know things at certain ages, then we set limits on education itself. When I told my sister to not read City of Heavenly Fire, she got a copy from her friend and read it herself—which put a strain on our bond. Because restrictions show that we do not trust. And we’ve got to take the leap of faith. 

I get not everyone has these tragic/pity/sorrowful stories, no matter what you believe. But personally, SJM’s books taught me that there exists some good in the world. There is redemption. There are second chances, and my sister and I struggle to fix our family.  

We have to be exposed. It’s how we function. And for kids who never went through sex-ed, reading books as a source of information can direct them to look things up and educate themselves.

SJM’s books illustrated that you could find happiness without sex—a fact my father would have disagreed with. SJM showed that love is progress, and doesn’t have to be detrimental. Some may interpret her books in other ways, but that’s why it’s so pivotal we have these discussions.

Take Nesta Archeron. Lots of people has called her a cold-hearted bitch, not realizing that it’s an actual, legitimate defense mechanism. And if being a cold-hearted bitch is sending mercenaries after your sister, starving yourself to death so their father would save them, writing a letter to the Mortal Queens despite her hatred of Faes—then I guess I would be too.

But knowing me, I’d freeze up and probably would have not lived at all. Because it’s easy to dismiss characters when they do something we don’t—as if we could have done better. Sure there’s ways Nesta could have gone about and done things differently, but then she wouldn’t have been Nesta Archeron, you know? We’re dismissing her as a person, and coping mechanisms as invalid, which people use in life.

Passing judgments on characters is easy, but when you dive into the Tumblr fandom, you see people defending her (like me), and get another side of things. These debates allow for that one track mind to diverge.

Because if I hadn’t opened up to people, then I would have continued to cut myself. And then I was able to help my sister stop too. The exchange and interaction of ideas may be used to promote ideas that no longer remain up to date, but that’s why we have other users who are up to date, and use their knowledge to write about them. Because knowledge is power!!

What do you guys think? Lowkey highkey want your feedback and thoughts not just to my response but the anon’s as well.

[afaimsarrowverse]

My 25 Favorite Arrowverse-Moments:

Scenes that emmideatly come to mind over all the six shows and that stuck with us – those are the moments found here. For the 25 Favorite Ones I mostly went with emotional scenes and scenes that started or ended amazing character developements. Many moments here are relationship based, however most of them are actually sad. So beware.

 Again as always, this list reflects my own taste, everyone loves what they love. So don’t commment or reblog just to tell me how wrong I am.

 25. Kate keeps the dying Alice company, but realizes that Beth had just died instead (Batwoman Episode 1.12 Take Your Choice)

 That one is tricky to explain, if you have not seen the episode, but basically Alice is dying because a doppelganger of her showed up on Earth Prime. Only one Beth Kane can survive, and Kate chooses to save the sane version of her sister from another Earth over her actual sister, whom she decides to keep company in her last moments. However the twist on this death scene is that Alice suddenly gets better, because Beth was assassinated, and the sisters have to move on from this incident afterwards, with the knowledge that Kate chose the other one over her „real“ sister, which of course changed their relationship on a fundamental level forever, or you know, would have, if the show would have actually gotten a real second season. Still it’s quite an unusal death scene with a twist we would have liked in any other death scene, but not so much here.

24. Oliver gets visited by Tommy‘s Ghost (Arrow Episode 2.9 Three Ghosts)

 It’s Christmas and Oliver is haunted by the ghosts of his past. After Shado and Slade in this scenes it’s Tommy‘s turn, who tells Oliver exactly what he needs to hear, and what he wished he would have heared from Tommy, when he was still alive:. „"I know I called you a murderer, but you are not. You are a hero. You beat the island. You beat my father. So fight, Oliver. Get up and fight back." And you know, it probably is exactly what Tommy would have said to him, if he would have had the chance. After all Ghost Tommy became kind of an interesting occurence later, so maybe he wasn’t so much a ghost as an projection from an Alternate Universe?

 23. Nate’s Resurrection (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 4.16 Hey World)

 Nate dies to get Ray his soul (and body) back and is reunited with his dead father, and we think that’s it, while Zari and Ray sob over his dead body, but now with a little bit of help from the Great Beyond, John and Nora magic him back to life with the power of song and love from humans, magical creatures, and the Legenda alike. And it’s beautiful. Boy, did I sob.

22. Oliver meets his Grown Up Children (Arrwo Episode 8.4 Present Tense)

 Brought to the Present by the Monitor, Mia and William get to meet their long dead father Oliver shortly before his death. „Present Tense“ started with this akward-moving reunion that we have been waiting for since that tireying Flashforwards started in Season 7, and starting with this scene they are finally paying of in a big way. „Arrow“ was seldom any better than this.

21. Mick gives Ray the Coldgun (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 2.4 Abnominations)

 After having lost his suit and saving Mick life earlier in this episode anyways, Mick offers Ray Snarts Coldgun to cheer the latter up and make him his new defacto partner. That scene is important because it’s the start of the peak of the Atomwave Bromance, which has been going on since Season 1, and it also shows us a softer side of Mick, who really wants to help the directionless Ray out here, even if he hides that under his scruff exterior. It’s the point where those two became acutal friends, so yeah, me heart.

20. Kahlil’s Death (Black Lightning Episode 2.11 The Book of Secrets: Chapter One: Prodigal Son)

 That one didn’t stick, but it turned the tide quite spectacular and was the starting point for one of „Black Lightnings“ best storylines, that may even lead right into a potential „Painkiller“ Spin-Off Show. And it definitifly was the saddest and most tragicial moment of the shows. After suriving more than any living person ever should, Kahlil finally dies here, leaving Jennifer heartbroken and the viewers more than a litte shocked.

 19. Thea thanks Oliver for everything he has dona after she learns that he is the Arrow (Arrow Episode 3.13 Canaries)

 Superheroes revealing their real identity to someone are always highlight moments of these shows, but that one parcticulary stands out because … well the scene did go quite different than we thought it would. After Oliver tells Thea that he is the Arrow, his sister … thanks him for everything he has done for Starling City. This shows how far Thea Queen as a character has come since we met her in the Pilot. After not being to supportive in the beginning of the show to Oliver, we now see how far her character development has brought her, as she says not a single unkind word to Oliver about him keeping his secret for over two years, instead she sees it from his perspective. Thea Queen had one of the most amazing character developments in all of „Arrow“ during the first half of the show, and this moment is the prime example for that.

  18. Mick refuses to leave Ray behind in the Gulag (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 1.5 Fail Safe)

 After Snart breaks into the Russian Gulgag to get his team mates out of it, he actually wants to leave Ray, who isn’t a great shape at this point, behind, but Mick refuses to. Not only is „Fail Safe“ the birth of Micks and Rays friendship, the episode and this scene in particular is the moment Mick Rory was given to us. After being portrayed as a rather one dimensional slighty crazed villain in „The Flash“ „Legends“ developed Heatwave in the loveable pyromanic bestseller author we love today, and all of that started exactlx in this moment, when Mick refused to leave someone behind, who stuck out his neck for him. Mick‘s Hero Journey begins exactly here, and, yes, Mister Rory, you are a hero. One can be a criminal and a hero at the same time, you know, and well a bestselling romance writer. That too.

17. The Mad Brainy is talked down from opening the Bottle (Supergirl Episode 5.10 The Bottle Episode)

 In Querl Dox‘s finest hour we meet quite a lot of different versions of him from all across the Multiverse, among them one, who bottled up his own Earth on order to safe it from the Anti-Matter Wave and is now guilt ridden to the point of madness. And wants to open up the bottle again to free his Earth but … well that would be very bad for Earth Prime as you can imagine. After learning a lot about Brainy‘s backround and the history of mental illness in this family, this moment hits all the right cords, showing that darkness, love, guilt and forgiveness all come in pairs, especially for Brainiac-5 in all corners of the Multiverse. It also forshadowed Brainy‘s Arc for the rest of the season: That he is capable of doing the wrong thing for the right reasons but not without suffering immensly because of his own actions.

16. Oliver reveals his real identity to Tommy (Arrow Episode 1.16 Dead to the Rights)

 Like I said before, Identity Reveals are always special, and this one is probaly the most important one out of all of those. Oliver reveals his real identity to Tommy in order to get him to trust him so that he can save him. But remember, at this point of the show the Hood is running around murdering people. So Tommy does not learn that his best friend is a hero, he learns that his best friend is a murderer, who still happens to save people at the same time. While Oliver is willing to do anyhting to save his friend, by revealing his real identity he might have done more harm than good to their relationship on the long run. Mostly though it’s a beautifiul written and acted scene.

 15. Nate tells Ray that he loves him and nothing will change that (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 4.11 Seance and Sensibility)

 Legends of Tomorrow did many great things, but its greatest achievement may be the friendship between Nate and Ray, that shows us a masculine friendship framed as a femine one. Steelatom are bros, who talk about their feelings, soft men who are nerds together, never fall victim to toxic masculinity and never fret over the L-Word or physical contact. They are just best friends and are unashamed of it. In this scene Nates father was killed, and everyone believes that Rays Love Interest Nora Darhk did it. And Ray is now worried that Nate might hold his feelings for Nora and his trust into her against him (which shows his own insecurity and his lack of meaningful relationships before he joined the Legends), however Nate tells him that he still loves Ray and always will, no matter whom he trusts or whom he fancies. Which honestly is how it is supposed to be between actual friends.

14. Barry kisses Iris before the Tidal Wave (The Flash Episode 1.15 Out of Time)

 In this alternate timeline, which Barry erased by travelling back in time for for the first time, Central City is hit by a massive tidal wave. Just before that circumstances lead to the first kiss between Barry and Iris, that is erased from existence only minutes after it happens, which is classic Flash-Stuff, really, and a an unforgetable epic moment.

13. Sara tells Ava that she can’t ever be normal (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 3.12 The Curse of the Earth Totem)

 After a Legends Emergency interupted Saras date with Ava, she splits on her date, who confronts her about that fact in this scene. In an emotional break down Sara admits that she is not normal, can never be normal, and should have never tried to be normal at all. Dating is not her thing, fighting is. In her mind Ava is the perfect daughter in law, while she is the opposite. And she does not think that someone like Ava would ever want someone like her. However Ava actually surprises her by admitting that she does not want someone normal, she does not want a Sara trying to be normal, she wants Sara just the way she is. Which leads to the couples first kiss of course. Which is then rudley interrupted by pirtates, but yeah, this is good stuff, classic romantic comedy with a Legends twist, just how we like it.

 12. Westallen Wedding Vows (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 3.8 Crisis on Earth X Part 4)

 Barry und Iris actually did not get married on „The Flash“, but during an episode of „Legends of Tomorrow“ right at the end of the „Crisis on Earth-X“ Crossover. After having actually given up on the big wedding idea, they are talked into marrying anyway, letting themselves be joined by John Diggle, who for some reason got the license to marry people. And so they do get married, with just the right vows, that reflect what they mean to each other. Sadly the wedding itself is still kind of a disaster, because someone has to interrupt it and make it into a double wedding, which the producers thought to be a nice idea, and it might have even been one, if they would have decided on it before and not during the ceremony, so the favorite moment is not the wedding itself, but the Wedding Vows, but boy, those are really beautiful.

11. Zari‘s Speech (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 3. 11 Here I go again)

 Stuck in time loop, not knowing that she is actually trapped in a Gideon run simulation in her own head, Zari here thinks that the only way to save everyone else is to sacrifice herself, but before she goes, she has some words for all of her team mates, moving beautiful words, that show how much she actually loves her team and make us love her all the more for it. This is the episode where both the writers and Tala discovered what makes Zari special and you can tell - never was any Zari Moment more magicial, and this moment led right to the end of Season 4 and everything that went on with Zari in Season 5, and that’s just one more reason to love it.

 10.  Nate and Ray so Goodbye to each other (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 5.7 Romeo V Juliet: Dawn of Justness)

 Parting is the hardest sorrow. No one wanted Brandon to leave Legends, Brandon did not want to leave Legends, no one wanted Ray gone, but he still left, left us and left his best friend Nate, whom he is saying goodbye to in this scene, after Nate initially refused to say goodbye, just like we would have wanted to. No one died in that scene, but it certainly felt like it. We all get that life is change, we just don’t want unnecessary change for financial reasons. This moment might have gotten us a Season 6, but we would have preferred for it to happen during the Series Finale or even better never. But it was still beautiful though.

 9. Oliver dies and tells Kara and Barry that they are the Best among them (Supergirl Episode 5.9 Crisis on Infinite Earths Part 1)

 We all knew Oliver Queen was going to die during Crisis on Infinite Earths, we just didn not expect him to die at the end of Episode 1! In a crazy plot twist he sacrificed his life to save additional millions of people from Karas Earth, hardly making it to Earth-1, where he had some important parting words for Barry and Kara and then left his friends and his daughter in tears when he left his body behind. Yes, he came back, kind of at least, for the rest of the Crossover, but this does not change the fact that this moment was a very hard hitting one, especially for the people on and off screen who love him.

8. Nora is written out of the Timeline (The Flash Episode 5.22 Legacy)

 Nora went back in time to change the timeline, but she kind of forgot to account for the fact that this might endanger her own life. As the timeline does change during the Finale of Season 5, the version of Nora we have come to know and love is written out of existence. Instead of hiding away in the Negative Speed Force, Nora accepts her fate, prefering to die over changing who she is deep inside, and she is erased out of existence while her distraught parents have to watch her go. A new version of her will likely be back at some point, but this version is gone for good in a way only Eobard Thawne deserves. Cruel but still a great moment.

7. Adrian blows up Lian Yu (Arrow Episode 5.23 Lian Yu)

 How can ever forget this Cliffhanger Ending? After not succeding in breaking Oliver Queen for good, Adrian changes tactics and abducted his loved ones and plans to kill them all, which is what he is doing in this scene. Having hidden explosives on Lian Yu which will detonate when he takes his own life, Adrian does exactly that – he blows away his brains in front of Oliver and his son William, while detonating the explosives at the same time, potentially killing of the whole Cast of „Arrow“ from Felicity to Thea, Quentin, Diggle, Dinah, Rene, Curtis, Black Siren, Evelyn and even Nyssa and Slade. Even though the only one that actually died was Samantha Clayton, the explosion did put Thea in a coma and gave Dig nerve damage. But in truth that scene is not about what actually happened after it, it is about what went on during it. Oh, Adrian, you win, you are the ultimate Foe of „Arrow“, we will give you that.

6.      Martin‘s Death (Legends of Tomorrow Episode 3.8 Crisis on Earth X Part 4)

 Death Scenes are always hard, but this one, was especially hard. It was mean, because Martin was in the middle of a storyline that would have taken him out of Legends anyways, but it also was especially heart breaking because it’s Martin Stein, damn it. We love him! Also there was something very authentic about this scene. Death scenes can feel very staged at times, but this one even thoug it had it all – speeches, goodbyes, the right person next to the dying one – this felt every thing else but staged, it felt real, in a way no other Death Scene on those shows ever did. And it’s maybe the saddest death scene out of all the shows. Because there is no win here, no lesson, no cool action, only a sad goodbye.

 5. Eddie‘s Death (The Flash Episode 1.23 Fast Enough)

 And speaking of mean deaths. This one … Eddie sacrificed himself to erase Eobard out of existence, but who has come back since then, like multiple times? Yes, exactly. Ralph was not wrong with the Vasectomie Idea. But nevertheless, this is one of the greates moment of „The Flash“. After telling Eddie he means nothing to History, Eddie is the one who beats Eobard in the end, by taking is own life in order to prevent him from ever existing. Iris loses Eddie, Barry loses Eddie, we lose Eddie, who died a hero, was never forgotten but is not given back to us, no matter how much we beg. It was an out of nothing twist, inceredible mean and sad, but a really great moment.

4. Kara‘s Hope Speech (Supergirl Episode 1.20 Better Angels)

 Kara‘s Hope Speeches have become kind of a running gag at this point, but they all date back to her first and greatest one. When needed Kara adresses the people of National City via Television, urges them to fight back, to not give up hope, and after we heard this incredible well written and delivered speech, even we thought for a single moment that maybe such a thing as hope does actually exist. Kara told us: „ When facing an attack like this, it's easy to feel hopeless. We retreat, we lose our strength, we lose ourselves. I know. I lost everything when I was young. When I first landed on this planet, I was sad and alone. But I found out that there is so much love in this world, out there for the taking. And you, the people of National City, you helped me. You let me be who I'm meant to be. You gave me back to myself. You made me stronger than I ever thought possible, and I love you for that. Now, in each and every one of you, there is a light, a spirit that cannot be snuffed out. That won't give up. I need your help again. I need you to hope. Hope... that you will remember that you can all be heroes. Hope... that when faced with an enemy determined to destroy your spirit, you will fight back and thrive. Hope... that those who once may have shunned you will, in a moment of crisis, come to your aid. Hope... that you will see again the faces of those you love. And perhaps even those you've lost." We hope so too, Kara, we really do, because after this year, we really need nothing more than hope.

3. Barry meets his dying Mother (The Flash Episode 1.23 Fast Enough)

 When presented with the opportunity to change the timeline and save his mother, Barry reculantly takes it and travels back to the night his mother died in the Season 1 Finale. However he does not save her, instead he ends up letting it happen, but saying goodbye to his mother instead, siting by her while she dies. Of all the sob-worthy moment of all the shows, this one is definitfy up there in Top 3, and will forever remain there, because this one is more than just a little bit hard, isn’t it?

2. Oliver dies as the Spectre (Arrow Episode 8.8 Crisis on Infinite Earths Part 4)

 And back to Oliver dying again. After becoming the Spectre, Oliver kills the Anti-Monitor (because he failed this Universe, remember?) and restarts the Multiverse with the help of the Paragons (no Lex, it wasn’t you that made a new one, you only helped!). However this has burned up all his energy, so he dies for the second and final time during this Crossover. Sara und Barry are sitting with him while he goes and reminds Barry of the final lesson his life had thaught him: „Dying is the easy part.“ Living is what’s hard, but it’s also worth it. Excuse me for a moment, I am over there sobbing quietly.

1.      Quentin‘s Last Speech about  Oliver (Arrow Episode 8.10 Fadeout)

 Wait, you say, how can that be Number 1? Well for a simple reason, apart from the fact that Oliver always fought for Quentins respect, that speech actually does sum up nicely what „Arrow“ was really all about. Forget Olivers messy love life, the bow and the arrow, the fight scenes and the villains. „Arrow“ was always about change, it was about character development, about how people can change. Not only Oliver‘s storyline, but mainly Oliver‘s, was about how you can always change for the better, how you can always dig yourself out of the hole you are in right now, out of all the pain, the depression, the darkness. „Fadeout“ was many things, but it succeeded on one simple level: It reminded us again what „Arrow“ was all about, and no moment incoperated that better than Quentin‘s Last Speech about Oliver: „Oliver Queen wasn't just a hero. He was a good man. He was an honorable person. The fact that he didn't start out that way makes him, in my book, even more honorable. He stands as a reminder to all of us that anyone can change.“ And that is ultimatley what a Hero‘s Journey is all about.

[20qs20somethings]

Matt, 25

1. Can you use three to five words to describe our generation? Optimistic and somewhat narcissistic 

2. Talk about a person or an experience that has helped shape you into the person you are today? Person for sure would be Saeed Jones who was the LGBT editor at BuzzFeed when I was hired, he was the reason I got my job. I followed him before I knew him personally, I read a lot of his writings throughout college and he really helped me be comfortable with coming out and being openly LGBT. When I moved to New York and actually met him, I developed a relationship with him, he became my mentor and fundamentally shifted the way I view myself and the way I carry myself in the world.

3. What’s your relationship with social media like? I feel mostly positive. I feel like there are negative drawbacks to it, like I’m probably on it way too much, and I’m sure it gets in my head what other people think of me on it because it’s all just a facade. But I think overall, it’s been more of a positive, it’s helped me keep in touch with people a lot easier, make new friends a lot easier. I know there’s a bad rep that comes with it like anxiety and depression just from overstimulating, but it’s all about how you use it. 

4. Selfies: Thoughts? I think they’re fun! I think they’re pretty much harmless, maybe a bit narcissistic. But people have been taking photos of themselves since the camera came out  so just because it’s in digital format doesn’t mean humankind shifted its mindset. 

5. Do you believe in love? Yeah

6. Do you volunteer? Why? Currently only through work. We have work opportunities where we volunteer and I tend to go to the LGBT ones. I do want to get more involved with this place called Trinity Place Shelter in Harlem. They take care of homeless LGBT youth and provide meals. But at the moment, I only volunteer through work. I think volunteering is an important part of giving back and being part of your community. I recognize that I have quite a bit of privilege that I was born into and if I have that, I should be using that to help out other people who don’t have those same circumstances.

7. Who or what brings you the greatest joy in your life? Currently, two things. One, the work that I do knowing I put my all into it and to be able to perform and make something I like and two, my relationships. I’m lucky enough to have a lot of good friends that I’ve made in the city that I consider my chosen family and just hanging out with them, that fellowship, brings me a lot of joy.

8. How did you feel after November 8th? I felt like someone had died. I’d never seen New York like that. The day after election night, I went to work. It was rainy, gloomy, and everyone on the subway, the only way I could describe it’s as if like someone everyone knew had died. Everyone was so somber, nobody was really looking at each other, some people were crying on the subway. Just walking down the street people had this look of despair, kind of like a numbness. At work, it was a terrible day. We got donuts and coffee to try to make ourselves feel better. One of the editors at work says he doesn’t remember seeing the city like that since 9/11.

9. Is college overrated? I would say yes, and that’s not to understate the importance of it. It is a huge benefit to have a degree to get into the workforce if you’re not the creative type, especially if you’re going into finance or law. But I’m thinking from my realm of the creative sphere. If you’re doing something like writing. I work with some people at BuzzFeed who didn’t go to college and they’re just really good writers, good at what they do, they excelled and wound up where they are. I do think it’s the best route to take personally, but not everyone could do that. 

10. Would you rather have security or fulfillment in your work? I’d have to go with fulfillment. I’m tempted to say security because that’s what everyone wants. I think it’s more important to be happy with what you’re doing. I’ve had friends who worked finance jobs that they hated. Yeah, they were making a lot of money, but it consumed all hours of their life and they were miserable. Is it worth affording that week in Fire Island if you’re miserable the rest of the year? 

11. What’s the title of the current chapter of your life? New Beginnings

12. What do you want out of this life? Happiness, fulfillment, love, leaving an impact or legacy, being known for something.

13. What would you say is your biggest character flaw? That I can be quite vengeful. That’s something I’ve known about myself for a long time so I actively work to put it down. I don’t know where it comes from, maybe my childhood from being closeted or something. But it’s easy for me if I feel like I’ve been slighted, or if I feel like a friend has fucked me over in some way to want to lash out and get revenge for it, or cut them out. So that’s been something I’ve been actively practicing is the art of forgiveness and moving past that. 

14. How do you want to be remembered? As a force for good, for inclusivity, for good art, writing, my performances. 

15. What are qualities that you value? Loyalty, trustworthiness, laid back, loving, nonjudgmental, generosity

16. How would you describe what it’s like to navigate your 20s? A lot of learning, a lot of mistakes that no one can teach you, you have to learn for yourself. Your twenties are fun but they’re also such a learning experience. For a lot of people, your twenties might be the first time you fall in love, have a serious relationship, really starting to get into your careers for the first time. There are a lot of things like other elements in territories that you aren’t prepared for and you kind of have to figure it out as you go. So I think a huge part of being in your twenties is being able to dust yourself off, pull yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going.

17. What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned so far? There are two that come to mind. The first one is to not be judgmental. To try to understand other people from a place of empathy and love when possible. The other might be more cynical which is to protect myself. Because for me, I guess by nature or personality or whatever, it’s easy for me to be too trusting and too invested in people especially when it comes to relationships or anything like that. You have to look out for yourself because not many people will do that for you.

18. What’s the hardest lesson you’ve had to learn? To guard your heart.

19. What are you scared of? Failure and not being able to pursue the dreams and goals I’ve set for myself.

20. What is the best piece of advice you want to leave the world with? To not be afraid to speak up and use your voice and to live authentically. To live honestly for yourself not trying to put on a facade to impress anyone else. 

[awed-frog]

Snape is a fascinating character, but he used his position of authority in a school to take out all of his issues on the children theoretically under his care, which is a fundamentally unacceptable thing to do. If he'd been behaving that way towards adults who could get away from him, or stand up to him effectively, that would be different - but he was a terrible teacher, he bullied his students, and his actions damaged a lot of childhoods. A brave cause doesn't make up for that.

I hope the Snape ask didn’t sound too confrontational - basically what I’m saying is, it’s probably the children thing that makes most people take against him so much. It’s definitely why I dislike him so much. The small-scale cruelties are so instantly recognisable, and so pointless. He hated his life and he wanted to spread the misery around; and while there was a lot in his life to hate, it’s hard to have much sympathy when he took out his problems on kids.

I’m not defending what he did. As an adult, and someone who’s worked in schools for ten years, I consider his behaviour in the classroom pretty much inexcusable and unforgivable. What I was trying to say, on the other hand, is that JK Rowling created this beautifully layered character, and also - maybe it’s because I read the books as a grown-up, but I personally I could never truly hate Snape. We’re given quite an insight in his past and personality, and we know that his anger, his cruelty and his pettiness come from a deep, unhealed pain. To me, that’s enough not to excuse his behaviour, but to understand it - to feel, most of all, a huge wave of empathy for someone who could have been so much more if circumstances had been different. 

I’m always slightly disappointed when I see people hating Snape viciously and ferociously, because I think the HP books were masterful in giving us the opportunity to question our feelings and opinions, and learn the importance of compassion. Snape is unlike many villains in that 1) he’s not particularly attractive and 2) he’s not locked away in a cage and he doesn’t die heroically ten minutes after his terrible mistakes. And since I have a lot of feels about this, here goes.

So, the beauty aspect first - I’m trying to think of an antagonist who isn’t devastatingly handsome, and I’m having some trouble coming up with anyone. From Loki to Magneto all the way to Mark Pellegrino’s Lucifer, we’re pretty much used to being surrounded by beautiful, evil people - and, in fiction as in life, it’s inevitable that their good looks influence how we see their behaviour. Like, I know I’m bringing up this example twice a month, but I’m actually still not over the fact countless girls and women were apparently totally in love with Tate Langdon and ready to excuse everything he ever did - from raping his girlfriend’s mother to shooting down half his classmates - and that’s the most obvious case I can think of (aside from Christian Grey, probably) where good looks =I’ll adore you no matter what, because if Tate wasn’t played by stunningly gorgeous Evan Peters, would we be so ready to write steamy fanfiction about him and sigh ourselves to sleep daydreaming about his smile and dimples? And JK Rowling - she had the perfect opportunity to make Snape irresistible, didn’t she, because she was thinking of Alan Rickman was writing the character - only, she decided to steal Alan’s feels-inducing baritone and his commanding presence, and disregard everything else. Because book!Snape - one thing he’s not is attractive. So I’m wondering, you know, how many people found easy to hate him from the very beginning because of his oily hair and non-descript robes and hooked nose and yellowish skin - and I’ll always be happy Snape was mirrored, for a whole book, with ‘prince Charming’ Lockhart, who was everything Snape was not (the good and the bad). And when you pile Jewish stereotyping on top of that, you get the perfect old-fashioned villain - not majestic Tom Hiddleston pushing his raven locks back so he can smirk and kill without ruining his hairdo, but someone whose ailing, rotten soul allegedly shines through his body like a beacon, making him unlikable, sour, ugly. And to get over that - especially for children who’re used to heroes being good-looking - well - it would take some readjusting.

Also, 2) - antagonists are normally redeemed these days, because sequels and spinoffs and whatever, but even when they aren’t, it’s quite rare to see them live among us for twenty years or more. The pattern usually goes, ‘handsome yet tortured man gives in to anger and/or pain, kills thousands and/or steals precious artifact and/or dooms planet, is stopped by the pleas of his pretty yet ‘modern woman’ love interest and/or the manly begging of a ‘best friend’ he’d be screwing if tis was HBO, sees the error of his ways and/or loses control of the evil spell he’s assembling, chooses to save humanity/sacrifice himself/dies instead of carrying out his unholy projects’. 

(Really - find me one recent story that’s not like this.)

And the thing is, that’s not what happens IRL. IRL, when people have been hurt, that pain can last years and years and ruin everything in small, annoying, irritating ways. People aren’t normally given brave opportunities of redemption, and don’t change their ways after one tearful scene complete with soulful music. Like - of course Snape’s not nice to his students - he’s not nice to anyone. He’s not a good person. That’s the whole point of his character. He’s someone whose deep self-hatred and bottomless resentment at having been dealt a bad hand (because, well, he was) prevent him from letting go of the past and becoming a better person. Unfortunately, you see those people every day - they’re not those who lose control and kill, but, more often, those who ruin your day in a thousand petty ways - teachers who bully kids, construction workers who’re rude to women, colleagues who undermine each other, relatives who make passive aggressive remarks with a wide smile, husbands who belittle their wives and wives who badmouth their husbands. Many of us have enough deep-seated pain and insecurity that they end up dictating our behaviour from time to time - we’re angry at people for being younger than us, or prettier or happier or more successful, and fuck off, you never deserved that, you bitch - does that make us bad persons? I don’t know. That’s the question JK Rowling asked in creating Snape. Here is someone who’s risked his life for thirty years to prevent and fight and bring down a fascist dictator - but he wasn’t a pleasant person, and apparently made no effort to become better, or even decent. What do we do? Do we hate him? Do we admire him as a war hero? Do we understand him, feel sorry for him? There is no right answer, and the beauty of those books is that you see this happening again and again - look at Dumbledore, at Ron, at Harry himself - they’re not black and white characters. They’re real people, and those stories about them give us the space and safety we need to decide how to feel about it all, and how we want to act around real life people who may share traits with them.

So, well - personally, I used to be an angry person, and then I decided not to be any longer. I don’t see any point in hating people, even when they did terrible, unforgivable things, because that hatred doesn’t touch them - it touches me. It’s a weight I would need to carry around my neck every day of my life. Obviously I think Snape should have known better, but to be honest I’m more upset with his colleagues, with Dumbledore - why did they watch all that and do nothing? Them - the supposedly healthy, happy, well-adjusted people with loving families and a reasonable level of satisfaction with their own lives? No, Snape is someone who lived his whole life without a single friend, without someone who would care if he lived or died. He never moved on from his youth - never moved out of that castle that had been his refuge growing up - presumably, he was never invited anywhere, was merely tolerated in the staff common room as people frowned at him and wondered, had he really stopped being a Death Eater? That ugly, unpleasant, sarcastic man, way too smart for his own good? 

No, I see Snape as someone who never had any help, and he’s perhaps the only character in the books to be so completely isolated. For instance, if we compare his own big mistake (breaking off his friendship with Lily and turning on her) with Dumbledore’s big mistake (falling in love with Grindelwald) we see that some consequences are similar - as a result of those feelings, Lily and Ariana died - but everything else was different. Dumbledore, a talented, well-adjusted kid who’d made many friends at school, was surely pitied after his sister’s death - old professors probably did their best to find him a scholarship or an apprenticeship, and there was, we can be sure of it, a general sense of unfairness, of a poor orphan boy who’d suffered too much. Only Aberforth knew the truth - and Dumbledore was so ashamed he stayed away from his brother for years rather than facing that truth. Meanwhile, after Snape lost this person he considered the love of his life and his only real friend (a person he had betrayed and let down in the worst possible way), the only people he had to rely on were classmates who didn’t really like him - people like Lucius and Bellatrix, who would never see him as an equal because of his working class, half Muggle background, and goons who would have bullied him instead of being his ‘friends’ if Snape hadn’t been smart enough to defend himself. 

And finally - I know Harry reacts in anger when Hermione points out people make mistakes when they’re ‘only seventeen’, but the truth is, they do. Teenagers are biologically different from adults. They need more support, more social reassurance. They have extreme opinions, take braver, or crazier, decisions. In Snape’s case, because of the political situation, what could have been a six-month mistake turned into a life sentence. And the thing is, nobody ever forgave him - not even himself. As far as we know, Dumbledore left him pretty much alone when he was grieving for Lily - Snape sort of had to rebuild some kind of life on his own - he was stuck in a job he hated, living with people who despised him, teaching the siblings, and, later, children, of those classmates who’d spent their youth bullying him (and we only have Harry’s perspective on this - the opinions of someone who didn’t know anything about the Seventies - but can you imagine the rumors in other households? students would show up for Potions with their heads full of ugly tales). It’s likely Snape had PTSD, or nightmares, that he thought about his sins and crimes every time he took a shower and scrubbed his skin clean (because the tattoo wouldn’t be visible, not exactly, but would still sort of - flicker, from time to time, and wouldn’t Snape fear, every time, that Voldemort was finally coming back?). He probably didn’t have a single kind word spoken to him in twenty years. And, as I said above, none of this excuses his behaviour towards his students, but, really - I can’t bring myself to hate him. He did the job well enough all by himself.   

[slingsendarrows]

My First Drake Album

Nicholas Rodney Drake was born June 19, 1948, and died 26 years later after ingesting approximately 30 amitriptyline pills. It was ruled a suicide. Nick Drake was an English singer-songwriter whose acoustic guitar songs navigated the tumultuous and oft-misunderstood travails of living with depression. His music was not popular while he lived but has since garnered worldwide recognition and critical acclaim in the years since. 

I discovered Nick Drake and his music after a traumatic experience. Those around me, charged with my care, my built-in support system (or so I thought), did not see it that way, so I was forced to seek other ways to trek along this new, unfamiliar, and terrifying path. 

Music allows me to understand complicated things, and in turn, I recognize myself. It has been that way for as long as I can remember. It was the same the instant I discovered Nick Drake, Cat Power, and the Elliot Smith types of the world, delving into and exploring the deep well of my sorrow. There is something incredibly self-indulgent about pain and suffering. It is fundamentally personal, subjective, and selfish, but surrounded by an entitled sense of affecting a world larger than ourselves; it embodies all our pain, even if that particular experience is uniquely our own. And so it is with Nick. He gave my experience words I could not articulate to myself, let alone others.

I was recently having coffee with a friend and at one point explained how living with depression has required I disengage with some people in my life. His first question, "What are you depressed about?" I hate this question. I hate it because it requires a definite answer as if I can carefully and comprehensively explain what it means to live with depression in a few short sentences encompassing the reality of it, all while holding my breath hoping what I say is clearly understood. I hate it because it is all too common. I know why it is common--because depression is difficult to explain; it is personal and universal. Personal because it happens to the individual; universal in that it happens to many individuals, more than 300 million of us according to the World Health Organization. So, is it naive to desire a succinct, identifiable, and generalizable reason? Maybe not. But I don't have one.

All I can do is borrow the words of a poet whose art helps me understand my depression, at least in part. 

Nick Drake was signed to a record deal at 20 and released three albums, Five Leaves Left (1969), Byter Layter and Pink Moon (1972), and the posthumous box-set Fruit Tree (1979).  While living, Nick did not promote his music and was reluctant to give interviews. Neither of his albums sold more than 5,000 copies upon initial release, and all we have of the artist are his music and still photographs. These sparse facts make me both sad and content. Part of me feels he never wanted to give us more than his music, and for me, it's enough. It has to be enough. It is more than enough. 

So much can be said about the artist and his art. Five Leaves Later is a deeply personal and raw poetic exercise of a man wrestling with his creation and what it means to hold oneself sacred when the world requires you expose more than you're willing for global recognition of said art. 

Beginning with "Time Has Told Me," he laments, Time has told me/ You're a rare, rare find/ A troubled cure/ For a troubled mind/ And time has told me/ Not to ask for more/ Someday our ocean will find its shore. Drake is deeply self-aware of the struggles within his mind. He succumbs to the reality that while his troubled mind is a gift, it is a "troubled cure." It allows him to see clearly with no indication as to how it can be any different. Depression feels much the same. In the darkest moments, you achieve hopeless clarity. You know what is happening to you. You're viscerally aware of how your mind is attacking the rest of your being and understand the physiological effects manifesting, but you don't stop it, you can't, your mind won't let you. A "troubled cure" indeed! 

Without a definitive answer to proffer, Drake merely suggests we learn to cope in this new reality instead: So leave the ways that are making you be/ What you don't want to be/ Leave the ways that are making you love/ What you really don't want to love. It is unfair to ask more of yourself than that, especially in the midst of a depressive episode (a singular beast unto itself). Talking it out with someone helps, but therapy is a privilege not all of us can afford. The best you can do is decipher how depression ails you in real tangible ways and work towards subverting actions that turn the picnic into a never-ending feast of abundance. 

My depression revels and thrives in isolation and despair. I have lived with it long enough to identify the stages of my Dementor infestation. First I had to give it an identity that is not me. I had to separate Nyasha from what J.K. Rowling describes as "the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places. They glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope and happiness out of the air around them[...]Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself--soul-less and evil. You'll be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life."

My descent begins with isolation. I cut myself off from everyone and anything capable of giving me hope. My perfectionist-in-recovery leanings make it challenging to let people close to me know I am struggling so I deflect, I lie, or just disappear. I genuflect to my tormentors, and with that surrender, they infiltrate with the intensity of quelling a resistance that simply doesn't exist. They are here for everything; they will take everything, whether you give in willingly or put up a fight. Before naming my tormentor, throwing in the towel was just part of the deal. Why bother, right Eeyore? 

Next comes, avoidance. I call in sick to work more often than I should and with no strength to do anything about it, I let things fall apart. My apartment looks like a hoarders fantasy, dishes stacked in the sink become science experiments and I grow comfortable with the increasingly pungent reek of my body odour. I take Netflix bingeing to Olympic levels. I eat and eat and eat, to suppress the pain of my trauma, burying myself in pizza boxes, cinnamon rolls, potato chips and pot until all I can feel is my bloated and overly extended stomach. I berate myself for not having self-control, smoke more weed to induce indifference, wake up in regret, promise to do better, rinse and repeat. 

Over time I realized this was a roommate I would have to drag along to all the parties in spite of her feelings. So I made a plan to help me "leave the ways that are making me be who I really don't want to be": a miserable, fat, unhappy, sad person trying and failing to reverse-engineer their past. I cut certain people out of my life, read several self-help and psychology books (with care), started treating my body as if I gave a shit, even when I didn't, stopped chain-smoking pot, and most importantly, discovered CrossFit and the power of endorphins. CrossFit saved my life. At first, it was to quell the hunger to be loved and accepted by a man who did not see past my fatness, but now it is to survive and live to fight another day, hoping "someday our ocean will find its shore." Expecto Patronum!!

Two songs from Five Leaves Later have been constant companions on this journey, "Saturday Sun" and "Fruit Tree.” The oddity of living with my Dementor is how surprised we both are when confronted with a genuinely beautiful day. I mean a gorgeous, sun's bright, trees rustling to the soft breeze, blue skies kind of day. Depending on how long we've been companioning in our misery, we are more likely to close the curtains even harder and shut out the realness of life outside our wretchedness. How dare it shine so unabashedly and affront us with its glory? Doesn't our pain matter? Of course not, you self-indulgent sad person. It's the sun. It rises and sets. Sometimes the days are cloudy, bitter cold with rain and snow, but the sun still rises, as it as done since the dawn of time. It doesn't consider my individual circumstances. For it will be what the sun has always been: burning and shining, bright and perpetual. 

That is the sentiment of "Saturday Sun." Suddenly you're not feeling so bad. There is momentary reprieve; momentary because you've learned it is only a matter of time. You're confused when the Saturday sun [comes] early one morning/ In a sky so clear and blue/ Saturday sun came without warning/ So no-one knew what to do.  After living in the depths of despair for so long, you forget what it feels like to feel good. You are anxious when suddenly your ever-present roommate takes a day, or week, or a month off. She didn't leave a note, but you know she'll be back. Maybe it's when the meds finally kick in and/or your lifestyle changes are starting to take effect, and you can cope with some semblance of normalcy. 

In the light of day you remember the things you have neglected: the two Chopin concerts you paid for but didn't attend although you were dying to see Lang Lang, the numerous friend engagements you bailed on at the last minute, the phone calls that went unanswered, the dreams and goals deferred, and the countless failures to rally yourself. This sun has brought people and faces/ That didn't seem much in their day/ But when I remember those people and places/ They were really too good in their way/ In their way/ In their way/ Saturday won't come to see me today. You despair at all the time lost and wonder if you are meant to feel bad always, even on the seemingly good days when the rays of clarity reach your soul to remind you things are not all bad. 

I often gaze at reality through a veneer of misery. Realizing how things weren't as bad as I thought makes me feel sorry for having considered them that bad, to begin with. Am I making up my depression? Am I decadent in my despair? Is this just an act? What is wrong with me? That is the consuming aspect of depression. Reprieve is more work. Trying to hold on to it, knowing its a losing battle, and wondering if your defeatist attitude is the reason it is a losing battle. Maybe you're not trying hard enough. You think about stories with reason and rhyme/ Circling through your brain/ And think about people in their season and time/ Returning again and again/ And again/ And again/ but Saturday sun has turned to Sunday's rain. It is fucking relentless. 

"Fruit Tree" reads like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is an artist's individual understanding of fame and legacy. It is incredibly forward-thinking because Nick Drake died, I believe, understanding the value of his art yet somewhat resigned to the world not catching on until long after he was gone. Fame is but a fruit tree/ So very unsound/ It can never flourish/ 'Till its stock is in the ground/ So men of fame/ Can never find a way/ 'Til time has flown far from their dying day/ Forgotten while you're here/ Remembered for a while/ A much-updated ruin/ From a much-outdated style. Whether we yearn for conventional fame or to simply make our mark upon this world, legacy is a unique desire of the mortal. It is our final stand against death and lets the world know we were here, we mattered, we connected. I once read that immortality is achieved in the memories of those who remember us after we're gone. We are not truly dead until the last person who carries our memory dies with it. There is something both comforting and terrifying about that. We are remembered by our loved ones and the lives we've affected, knowingly and otherwise. But memory is fragile, subjective, and prone to manipulation. So how well is our legacy maintained? Does the remembrance bear a resemblance to who we really were? How we lived, loved, failed, triumphed, survived, endured, or were defeated? How can we ask so much when we begin to understand that to “err is human,” and we are all selective in what we remember, let alone how we remember it. 

"Fruit Tree" is a remarkably well-penned bookend to "Time Has Told Me." We shouldn't ask for more but live in gratitude of what has been given to us, and maybe that will lead us where all our struggling and fighting against the tide has been guiding us--to a place were" our ocean finds its shore." But still, we can't help but wonder what we leave behind, the parts of us that remain beyond the veil and our ability to curate and frame ourselves. When all that is left is what is remembered, how can we not worry about that too? 

Drake's response exposes the futility of these obsessive musings: Life is but a memory/ Happened long ago/ Theatre full of sadness/ For a long forgotten show/ Seems so easy/ Just to let it go on by/ 'Till you stop and wonder/ Why you never wondered why. Will the rooms of despair carry the memory of your trauma the way your body has? Probably not. Another soul will take residence there to tell their own story, cement their own legacy. I'm reminded of Alfred, Lord Tennyson's "The Charge of the Light Brigade," Not though the soldier knew/ Someone had blundered/ Theirs not to make reply/ Theirs not to reason why/ Theirs but to do and die/ Into the valley of Death/ Rode the six hundred. Theirs but to do and die.

Worrying about legacy after death seems futile when all we can do is live out our days, and hopefully, past the reeds of selfish thoughts, needs, and desires, we do some good that is not "interred with our bones." Maybe in death, we find an understanding of ourselves, our place, and our experiences. But there is no knowing until we go through it: Safe in the womb of an everlasting night/ You find the darkness can give the brightest light/ Safe in your place deep in the earth/ That's when they'll know what you were really worth. Or not, but what does it matter? You've done your part. You lived. You experienced things that made you, and for better or worse, you were here. 

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ No one knows you but the rain and the air/ Don't you worry/ They'll stand and stare when you're gone

Fruit tree, fruit tree/ Open your eyes to another year/ They'll all know/ That you were here when you're gone

I know you were here Nicholas Rodney Drake. Long before I was born, your ocean was making its way to my shore. I understand my depression better through your music and the intense vulnerability you bared. You bore fruit within my soul and allowed me to realize that while my struggles with mental health aren't unique, it does not make them irrelevant. I remember you. I see you, Fruit Tree. Keep blossoming!