#would also spend my one no weekend day off a week passed out and migraine i was so fucking stressed at that time

[katyobsesses]

Oof I just found notes from my first ever performance review at my old job (at a mental health charity I must stress) and a good chunk of it boils down to - Katy is autistic

[theretirementstory]

28/07/2024. Bonjour à tous, am I glad to see the weekend, when I can relax! I was at Paris on Monday, Troyes to see the cardiologist on Wednesday and for a transfusion at Troyes on Thursday afternoon. There were two pieces of good news, no lymphoma in my bone marrow 😁 and I don’t have to see the cardiologist again until next year 😁😁. Everything else is still the same but the doctor did say it was too early for the new treatment to be effective.

This coming week it’s another three days of hospital visits, two of which are to Paris! Not only will I have transfusions on Monday but I will also be having my third round of treatment. Hope they give me a bed as I think I will be snoozing a lot of the time.

A young driver took me for my appointment on Wednesday (he’s about 25 years old), he always plays great tracks in the taxi, Supertramp, that sort of thing. Well he only played this song: “Come And Get Your Love” by Redbone. As I quietly sang along I wondered what year it was released, thinking to myself not that far back really. It was released in 1974, that nearly blew my socks off! Have a listen to it, it’s stuck in my head now. My second song for this music spot was one I could hear playing in the background of the Olympic Opening Ceremony, it was from the Europop section and although the commentator was talking all over it, I was still transported to holidays and particularly discos. The year this song was released was 1980, it’s “Spacer” by Sheila & B Devotion.

I asked Monique to do the bulk of my shopping and Anie bought my fruit and vegetables. Anie has also been and collected my prescription. It’s great to have such good friends and I was happy to have lots of tasty food. I hope my body appreciated the fish/chicken/vegetables and fruit I have been feeding it 😂.

Oh my goodness I took the plunge and messaged my cleaning lady to see if she had a couple of hours free. Horror of horrors she didn’t and also said that she was having health problems of her own. Now what am I going to do? Accept the offer from Monique or see if my friends know any other person. I have already mentioned it to Anie.

I must just rectify an omission from last weeks blog, “The Trainee Solicitor” sat an exam at the course he did at the University. He said at the time he hoped he had done enough to pass it and he obviously had! Great result passing the exam, just checks to be made and then he will be a fully fledged Solicitor. I remember my godmother telling me it was years of hard work to attain that position and he has put in the time and effort. Well done that man!

“The Recovery Coordinator” started her working week with a severe migraine! Not a good way to start, then she had a couple of nightmarish days at work, that doesn’t help either. After spending some time with my grandchildren and their Daddy this weekend she was going to catch up with the Olympics. It’s the F1 from Spa-Francorchamps today, a circuit I would have liked to visit. Don’t think it’s on free to view tv so for me it will be the Olympics (once I have prepared myself for tomorrow).

“The Photographer” has had his children for one week of their summer holidays. My granddaughter attended a football day, she gave it a thumbs up but when asked if she wanted to go the following day she said no. They attended a local football match (grandson included) both wore ear defenders as the last time she went to a match she wanted to leave as it was too noisy. Fingers crossed they are having four nights in a camper van this week, it is greatly anticipated by the three of them and I think it will be a memorable experience.

“The Traînée Solicitor” was pleased to hear my health news as it means that he can come out and visit me. I did say that he has to be careful hugging me as I am only fragile now, hopefully he will remember that 😉. I am really excited about seeing him too, it’s been over a year. I had hoped to be visiting him but as we all know, life has a habit of throwing a curved ball occasionally.

The photographs this week are of a champagne village which has at its heart an amusement park, Nigloland.

My garden is very neglected but I am unable to get out there and sort it out. Looking back at photos of previous years it looked so lovely and I am hoping that it will again.

The car has only been moved out of the garage once in the last goodness knows how many months. I would like to bring it out today but as it is more than two days since my last transfusion I had better leave it until I get back from Paris on Tuesday.

I have finished crocheting the blanket, I think it will do for a new baby and as a pram blanket (do people still buy prams?)

I am having a clear out of bedding, and clothes that no longer fit me. I think I will let go of some jumpers and t shirts too. I bought a few new clothes last year but they too are too big for me now. I really need some new shoes but will have to wait for those I think.

As it is a busy day for me, I think I had better make a start!

Have a good week until next week 😁.

[stark-tony]

underrated irondad and spiderson fic recs part 2

part 1

Queer Eye for the Cacti by silentsaebyeok

summary: He bought one-hundred cacti on Amazon! Pepper was going to kill him!

What had possessed him to do such a thing? He never went on shopping sprees when drunk. That just wasn’t a Tony Stark type of thing to do. And in all honesty, he was astonished he even remembered the Amazon password.

--

Tony makes an interesting purchase while drunk. What he doesn’t expect is for said purchase to bite him in the ass in the worst possible way.

pairings: pepperony

tags: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: none

Tumblr Posts by Jen27ny

summary:   Literally what the title says. All the prompts and one-shots I post on tumblr.

pairings: pepperony, spideychelle

tags: hurt/comfort, fluff, angst

warnings:

It Lasts for Always by YellowDistress

summary:  Peter has never asked anyone to kill for him, especially not Tony.

pairings: none

tags: angst

warnings: none

Cursed Christmas by sahiya

summary: A series of unfortunate events befalls Tony, Pepper, Peter, and Morgan (and Happy and May) in the week leading up to Christmas.

It'd be kind of funny if it didn't totally suck. Fortunately, they've got good back-up.

pairings: pepperony

tags: hurt/comfort

warnings: none

Keeping your head up by frostysunflowers

summary: It’s been a while, a long while, since Tony felt this defenceless. He’s without a suit, the manacle around his ankle is solid steel, and he can’t see a single way out.

 He’s been here before, but back then there had been tools, resources, options.

Here, there’s just the walls, his missing kid and the water. 

The water.

pairings: none

tags: hurt/comfort, angst

warnings: kidnapping

Young, Dumb and Suffering by wordscorrupt

summary: In a moment of desperation, Peter decides to take Steve's pain medication to relieve a migraine.

or

Peter accidentally overdoses on pain medication.

pairings: none

tags: 

warnings:

Midnight Oil by JolinarJackson

summary:  After everything that has happened to Peter over the last year - or five, really - he shouldn’t be worried about something as mundane as the ACT. When he fails it, though it sends him into a spiral of self-doubt, which only gets worse when Peter realizes that he doesn’t seem to be able to fix whatever is broken.

pairings: spideychelle, pepperony

tags: hurt/comfort, angst

warnings: none

Love Will Remind Us Who We Are by blondsak

summary: There had been many times in Tony’s life when he’d known the piercing clarity that separated a Good Day from a Bad Day. Had known the ways in which, upon first waking, one’s soul would strike a balance between agony and relief either in your favor, or not.

But none of his earlier Good and Bad times had prepared him for his reality now.

//

Nine months after the Avengers defeated Thanos, Tony is still reckoning with the toll the final snap took on his body. Between grueling physical therapy, near-constant pain, and the inability to so much as tie his own shoes, well-- things aren’t exactly like Tony had imagined.

Luckily for him, there’s a certain kid from Queens who won’t let Tony give up so easily.

pairings: none

tags: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: none

Summertime Sickness by Spideysickfics

summary: "Well, this is your lucky day, then!" Peter replied enthusiastically, putting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest as he broke into a wide grin, "You're looking at a former Boy Scout!"

Tony let out a huff of air.

"No shit, a Boy Scout, huh? When did you quit?"

"First grade." Peter's grin didn’t waver. Tony rolled his eyes with a laugh.

"I'm sure you're very knowledgeable."

OR

An Irondad camping trip and sickfic to soothe your soul

pairings: none

tags: 

warnings: none

to break in these bones by searchingforstars

summary: “We’re gonna go play baseball? I’m not exactly a great shot, and you might have to let me out of these first,” Peter rattles his wrists around in the metal chains and they clink together, echoing around the sparse room, “but sounds like fun.

“We’re not playing baseball.”

“Shame, because I passed a park on my way here and I’m pretty sure that there’s only been like, six murders there this year so that could have been a fun spot.”

“I’m going to enjoy this, you fucked up little kid.”

“Hey, I’m not a little-” Peter starts, but he’s cut off by all the air being knocked out of his lungs as he sees the bat raised in front of him.

--

or, Peter doesn't listen to Tony, pisses off someone dangerous and ends up on the wrong end of a baseball bat.

pairings: none

tags: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: none

5 Times Peter Gave Tony Something by impravidus

summary:  and the 1 time Tony gave him something back

pairings:  none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

You'll Be Here (in My Heart) by seekrest

summary:  The morning that Tony’s life changed forever began as his days usually began now — shuffling into the kitchen half asleep, going through the motions as he searched for Pepper’s favorite coffee mug.

Tony stifled a yawn, grabbing the Black Panther novelty mug she adored while he grabbed one that Morgan had made them years ago - one that made her now cringe with embarrassment anytime she saw him use it, the childish scribbles that made him laugh.

  He sets Morgan’s creation down on the countertop as he reaches for the Black Panther mug, it being just barely out of reach for when Pepper has put it last.

“Damn thing.” Tony mutters to himself, fingers barely brushing against it before he grabs it - going to set it down on the counter only to be surprised when Pepper walks in from the bedroom, an unreadable expression on her face.

“Morning. You know, you and I need to have a talk about about your choice of mugs. I know T’Challa somehow perfected the cup warmer thing here but you could at least show a little—“

“Michelle’s in labor.”

pairings: spideychelle

tags: angst

warnings: none

the little things we don't say out loud by JBS_Forever

summary: “It's not funny,” Peter says, voice catching as he whines, “This is life or death, Ned. I'm actually dying.”

On the other end of the line, Ned sighs, amused and not at all concerned. “So you're Mr. Stark's secret Santa. It's not that bad.”

- - -

In which Peter is Tony's secret Santa, and it is, in fact, that bad.

pairings: none

tags: humor, fluff

warnings: none

Hiking Essentials: A backpack, plenty of water, and a Spider-kid by kiwifeather

summary:  Morgan, Peter, and Tony enjoy each other's company on a hike through the woods while Peter is staying with them for the weekend. Father-and-son bonding ensues

(Takes place after the snap but Tony survives because this is the good timeline and we know that Tony deserved a happy ending)

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

In Case of Emergency by Bowtiez

summary: Babysitting his little sister at the Stark's lakeside cabin seems like quite the gig for 17-year-old Peter. Of course he's got that covered- he's a mature individual and he can watch over a five-year-old for forty-eight hours.

On a totally unrelated note, did anyone know that super-healing doesn't really work on bacterial infections? It's a good thing Morgan knows what to do. Well... it's probably a good thing?

pairings: pepperony

tags: fluff

warnings: none

Three Times Tony Stark Used Italian Nicknames and One Time He Received One by MCUsic_to_my_ears

summary:   Tony can't help but slip into his Italian when with his children.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

More Ancient Than Magic by ironfamjam

summary: Life isn't exactly normal when your Head of House is also kinda your father-figure and his daughter is kinda sorta your little sister.

It's also not normal when the bad guys your real-life-war-hero-not-actually-dad defeated in The Great War threaten to return and you're still just trying to finish your Charms essay.

But Professor Stark asked him to protect Morgan. And that's what he's going to do.

Even if it breaks him.

The mini Hogwarts AU

pairings: spideychelle, pepperony

tags: fluff, angst

warnings: torture

Peaches by peterparkr

summary: There’s no response, not even a faint twinge of muscle. Peter tries to listen for a heartbeat, but he can’t seem to focus enough to pinpoint it. Another bubble of thought starts to rise. This could be the reason his spidey-sense is going haywire. Tony could be—

He pushes the bubble down.

OR

Peter and Tony find themselves stranded in the woods after an Avengers mission

pairings: none

tags: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings: none

Snowflakes by Jen27ny

summary:  Tony just wants to see his kids happy - which means letting Morgan stick as many snowflakes to the window as she likes, and making Peter talk about his nightmares.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

I Sure Do Like Those Christmas Cookies by baloobird

summary: Tony is spending a fun afternoon baking cookies with his kids, but his older one isn't acting like himself.

Whatever the problem is, it's up to the now-retired hero to figure it out.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: bullying, acephobia

An MIT Halloween by bethy_277

summary: Coming to MIT had been difficult, having almost lost his mentor when he had snapped to save the entire universe, and Peter had really struggled. If it hadn’t been for Ned and Harley- who he had met shortly after he came back and become good friends with- he didn’t think he would have made it past the first few weeks at school. He had called both May and Tony that first week, hysterical and begging to come back to New York. May had been patient, Tony had been ready to get in his car to drive to him to help him through it, and Harley and Ned had been there and talked him down both times.  

** Peter is a college student at MIT and Tony brings Morgan up for some trick-or-treating.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

Someone Take Me Home by GallagherHunter

summary:  More than a month since May's death Peter is having a less than stellar day at school in the hopes of making it through the day so he can get to the apartment where he's been living with Tony since his world came crashing around him. Meanwhile, Tony has been advised to adopt Peter to assure him he won't leave him.

pairings: none

tags: hurt/comfort

warnings: bullying

It’s Gonna Be Lit by Pawprinter

summary: What Christmas gift does one get for the man who seemingly has everything?

Peter is struggling to find out.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

I'll Be Home For Christmas by snarkymuch

summary:  May gets called away for work, and Tony steps in to make sure Peter isn't alone for Christmas. Harley, Morgan, and Peter being adorable kids, and Tony being a great dad.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

The power of makeup by SparrowFlight246

summary: Peter shows up to a prestigious awards ceremony with a black eye and a whole lot of regret.

Tony raids Pepper's purse and decides to improvise.

pairings: pepperony

tags: fluff

warnings: none

if you'll be my star, i'll be your sky by ftmpeter

summary: There are two things Tony learns about Peter after Morgan is born.

The first thing is that when it comes to kids, he's a natural.

The second thing is that he's a self-sacrificing little shit.

(Tony already knew that. He has the gray hairs to prove it. But. Still.)

It isn't the kind of self-sacrificing that will get him killed or seriously injured - thank God - but it's just as annoying. Maybe even more, because while he can ground Peter from Spider-Man, he can't exactly ground him from staying up all night to make sure Morgan sleeps through it.

pairings: none

tags: fluff

warnings: none

give the cookies a miss by searchingforstars

summary: “Surprise!” Morgan exclaims as soon as they’re both in the room. She gestures excitedly towards a few slightly sad looking lumps of something drenched in icing and severed onto sticks. There are sprinkles as well, which look like they might have been a nice touch to cheer the entire thing up, had the majority of them not ended up scattered around the surrounding bench space.

“Daddy and I made cookie pops! Well, I made them, he just helped me use the big scary whisk-y thingy. They’re for Katie’s birthday party tomorrow because we all have to bring something yummy to eat, and Daddy wanted to do regular cookies but I told him that was boring. So we made these instead!”

--

or, Peter is poisoned by the ones he trusts most.

pairings: none

tags: fluff, hurt/comfort

warnings: none

i want to be with you 'til the whole world ends by searchingforstars

summary: The last thing he does as his eyes slip shut is wrap his arms tighter around Peter, as tight as he can manage when it feels like the life is draining from him.

Please, for the love of God, I'm sorry I couldn't do it, but please, please, someone look after this kid for me.

Tony would give anything to make sure that Peter Parker is safe.

Unfortunately, he doesn’t have much left to give. He’s about to have nothing left to give.

The world goes dark.

He drifts away.

--

Or, Peter and Tony nearly lose each other.

pairings: none

tags: angst

warnings: none

Of bright autumn days and things that go bump in the night by frostysunflowers

summary: Halloween/fall themed fics featuring plenty of fluff, feels and seasonal shenanigans!

pairings: none

tags: fluff, humor, angst

warnings: none

Twelve Days of Terror: A Whumptober Collection by seekrest

summary:

pairings: spideychelle

tags: 

warnings: 

[astralaffairs]

ok i just had this thought. would tjeffs or mc ever call in sick if the other (finally) had one day off (aka morning snuggles amd no need for pants all day plus good ole quality time)? idk i’m a how for fluff so i just thought about it.

omg those fools would ABSOLUTELY pull this bs. love those dumbasses 🥺

-------

“You mean you aren’t stayin’ the night?”

Y/N glanced back over her shoulder at the sound of Thomas’s voice as she struggled to put her earrings back in. She quirked a brow.

“Seriously?” When he didn’t move from his spot on the end of the bed, just watching her expectantly, she rolled her eyes despite her endeared smile. “Thomas, you know I can’t. We both have work in the morning. Or have you forgotten it’s still Thursday?”

As she returned to buttoning up her top, not looking to Uber home looking entirely wrecked, Thomas stood, following her through the doorway with a small frown. She scowled when she realized he’d popped the top two buttons clean off the blouse, but her annoyance was short lived — his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, pulling her close (and blocking her from fixing the zipper of her pants). The sudden feeling of his body against her back made her gasp.

“Actually, sweetheart, I’m off tomorrow,” he murmured, burrowing his face into the side of her neck, kissing her skin lightly. Her eyebrows shot up.

“Wait, seriously?” He hummed his confirmation. “How’d you pull that off? Call me crazy, but I figured that being the Republican presidential nominee was a bit more of a full-time job.”

Her wry tone was heavy with skepticism, but it only made him grin. “James is out sick. ‘S nothin’ serious, but we had to reschedule all our meetings for Monday, instead.”

“Well, congrats,” Y/N responded dryly. “I’m thrilled that you have the morning to sleep in. Enjoy it while you can.”

“You could enjoy it with me,” he murmured into her hair, and she shivered when his hands crept up under the hem of her shirt, meeting her bare waist.

“I have a job, T,” she reminded him, “and far from enough money in the bank to quit it.”

“Could call in sick, though, hm? ‘S only one day off,” he said innocently, and she turned around to face him, her gaze unamused.

“My editor’s expecting me.”

“She’d understand a sudden bout of illness, wouldn’t she?”

Y/N let out a mirthless laugh. “You’ve never met Ashley.”

“Well, if she isn’t gonna let her best writer take a day to rest ‘n recover, she must not be all that good of a boss,” Thomas countered with a grin, and when he tugged her toward him, rested his forehead against hers, she couldn’t help her soft smile.

“Tell me about it.” She looped her arms up around his neck, pushed herself up onto her toes to kiss him. He hummed with content when she threaded a hand into his hair. “But she’s also the one who signs my paychecks.”

“Y’know,” Thomas said, voice low as a mischievous smile spread across his face, “if it’s the bills you’re worried about, my campaign is lookin’ for a new speechwriter.”

“Aw, that’s too bad.” Y/N plastered on a mocking pout. “Hope you find one soon.”

“Know anybody who might be up for the challenge?” he asked, and her smile was wide despite her exasperation. “Our last guy was a journalist, but he left us for the New York Times.”

“Sorry, Jefferson, you’re on your own with this one.”

“Mmh. Whatta shame.” As his grip on her waist loosened, she turned, began to walk away to find her purse, but he caught her upper arm, and when he pulled her into him, she yelped, stumbling backward. Her heart rate spiked as she tripped, only to fall into his shirtless chest. “If only I knew any writers who really hated their bosses. They’d probably be real easy to recruit.”

“Not this time,” she laughed. “I’m not even voting for you, let alone working for your campaign. I’m sure countless Republicans would be up for the job, though.”

“No fun,” he pouted. She leaned back to kiss his cheek where he’d dropped his head onto her shoulder. “You could still stay over, though. Just leave in the morning.”

“I’d be late for work.”

“Then call in sick,” he groaned, and when she sighed, he pursed his lips. “Alright, listen, if you really don’t wanna, I get it. But how often are we gonna be able to just spend a day together, hm? Got meetings all week ‘n campaign events every weekend. This is the first day I’ve got off since I announced I was runnin’ for president.”

“It does sound nice,” Y/N murmured, and the corners of Thomas’s lips quirked.

“Could make breakfast, stay in bed till noon,” he said softly, and as she sighed, her eyes fluttered shut. Her hands came to cover his on her hips, and she laced her fingers into his. “I’ve got everything I need for pancakes and bacon.”

“And your campaign isn’t going to announce anything groundbreaking tomorrow?”

“Nobody’s gonna be in office. There’ll be nothin’ to report on.” A long moment passed in Y/N’s contemplative silence, and Thomas could tell she was caving. He kissed her hair gently. “One day off isn’t gonna end your career, sweetheart.”

“I know, but...” She trailed off, turning in his arms to face him. “But I really love my job, Thomas. I don’t want to do anything to put it in jeopardy.”

“One little migraine or stomach flu isn’t gonna get you fired,” he reassured her, and she pursed her lips. “C’mon, baby. Just this once?”

She took a deep breath, considering him, and when he raised his eyebrows, brushing a lock of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear, she asked quietly, “D’you have a waffle iron?”

He smiled. “Matter of fact, I do.”

“The kind that flips?”

“Mhm.”

There was a skip, and she bit her lip, worried expression unwavering. His hands drifted down to her hips, and hers ran across his shoulders, ultimately looping around his neck. She didn’t meet his gaze. He swallowed hard, but after a moment, the corners of her lips twitched.

“Y’know, suddenly, I think I might be getting sick.”

She squealed when he suddenly picked her up by the thighs, walking her back toward his room with a wide grin. “Then I think,” Thomas muttered, and when she pulled herself toward him, clung to his shoulders, his lips were unrelenting against the crook of her neck, “a day of rest is exactly what you need.”

[neapolitanadonna]

cottagecore has taken over my life. can i request a scenario where human au England is living in this little cottage in the flower fields and he sees this strange girl in the fields all the time? He just kinda watches her and admires her and stuff and cute soft cottage core things ack I'll leave the creativity to you THANK YOU!!!

Oh you KNOW my cottagecore ass had fun with this one. I genuinely felt soft writing this so I hope everyone feels soft too. I love getting the opportunity to make imperialists look soft, its by far my favorite hobby of this quarantine. 

Also this is a bit long, so remember to click keep reading!!

Arthur was a hardworking man in the government who, despite practically signing his life away to it, hated the government. His London flat, aggressive cabbies, black coffee at 5 in the morning, three piece suit everyday life was something that got him far in life, it was a shame that most days, he couldn’t care less about it. 

After his grandmother passed, she left him her small brick cottage in Painswick. At first he thought of selling it, not that he needed the extra money, it would just be a shame to leave empty real estate. He didn’t think he would ever spend his days in the little place, but in a time where he tried to manifest nothing but peace, the universe brought him to the cottage. 

He spends his weekends there. It isn’t big government buildings and the bustling streets of London, but to him, it’s perfect. If he wasn’t tethered to the responsibilities of being an adult, he would pack up everything he had and move to the cottage. He considered it often, he had nothing left in London for him, anyway. He lived alone in London and in Painswick, but Painswick felt less lonely. 

His grandmother's cottage was relatively secluded, far enough from the little village to be truly alone, but close enough if he needed to walk to get anything. However, oddly enough, even if there were no other residences near him, one particular creature always showed up in his backyard. 

He wasn’t a fan of judging a woman by her physical traits, but he remembers the first time he laid eyes on her perfectly. It was cinematic, and if it was a film, he would watch it again and again. She wore a baby blue dress with a flower print that fell just above her knees. Her hair was pulled back into braids with two little bows the same color as her dress. He couldn’t quite see the color of her eyes from his window, but they held some sort of power in them even from afar. As she gently walked through the flower fields, she tucked the wildflowers she picked into the weaves of her braids, filling them with Bluebells, Columbine, Daisies, and Cornflowers. She didn’t trip over plants or roots that peeked through the dirt. She seemed to thank the earth each time she picked a flower. As he watched her card through the flowers, spin in the field, then sit under the Crab apple tree up upon the hill, he figured he must’ve been hallucinating. It had been a long week of work, he had gone through so many rough emotions that it was possible she was an angel and he was on the verge of death. 

Until she showed up again. 

Her visits to his field were almost scheduled, but sporadic all at the same time. She would come, sometimes pick flowers, others leave them alone, but dance among them either way. She would sometimes bring little baskets of peaches and bread for herself, other times she came with nothing but herself. She once got close enough to a deer that it let her pet its head, the same thing happened another time with a rabbit. His grandmother used to tell him stories and lore about Painswick, how faeries disguised themselves as humans to lure them in. He couldn’t help but wonder if his grandmother wasn’t just telling old tales. There was no way this girl was human. 

She seemed devoid of any human flaw. She couldn’t have been any older than 20, but even though Arthur was 23, his position aged him five years. She always seemed so happy, so carefree, like nothing in the world could have made her upset. If anyone else came through his property to take his flowers, he would be sure to lecture them, but she was his only exception. 

It was a Saturday morning when Arthur woke up feeling less on edge than usual. He was so used to having a migraine that waking up without one felt like a giant weight off his shoulders. The light filtered through the old blinds just perfectly, hitting the old paintings of flowers on the wall. It occurred to him that he did more staring out his window into the fields than he did outside. Maybe today would be the perfect day for him to spend a day out there, no stress, no work, and definitely no migraine. 

The sun was still rising as he walked out into the fields. He never noticed it before, but bumble bees danced around every honeysuckle and corn flower. He supposed they would be hard to notice from far away. 

He set down his little blanket at the base of the crab apple tree. It made him feel a certain sense of anxiety knowing that this is where the ethereal girl usually spent her time, that he was sitting in her spot despite it being his property. He looked out on the fields, the sun rising behind them, and began to realize why the girl loved it here so much. 

He spent a good while like this, staring off into the fields, down at his cottage, the trees and wood that extended beyond the fields. He only stopped daydreaming when he heard humming. 

He recognized it as Donovan’s “Sunny Goodge Street” before he processed who the humming could have possibly come from. When his brain finally did process, yes, it had to be none other than the voice of the girl, he felt his heart leap into his throat. She must’ve been coming up from behind, and his best option was to sit absolutely still from the other side of the tree hoping she would walk the other way around and avoid him completely. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to talk to her, but he couldn’t quite admit that he was afraid. She had all the odds of the universe on her side, she might’ve been mother nature herself, and who was he compared to that? Unfortunately, his desires came to a fault. Her humming stopped, and her footsteps got louder. A soft, faint giggle could be heard from behind the tree. 

“Hello?” Arthur’s heart leaped to his throat again. Such a sweet voice she had, too. In retrospect, he should've moved, stood up to greet her and introduce himself, but he was frozen. He spent all week talking and negotiating with big government hot shots, yet he couldn’t face a silly girl who spent her days in the flower fields. 

“Are you hiding from me?” She giggled again, and then she was next to him, standing above him. He couldn’t help but exhale deeply the moment he saw her. His cheeks were for sure red, such an embarrassing thing for a grown man, he thought. She wore the same blue dress she wore the day he first saw her, her hair let loose and gently curled around her shoulders, instead. 

“Are you the funny man who lives down in the cottage there?” She asked, taking an uninvited seat in front of him on his blanket. She smelled like honey, roses, and the morning. She was even more beautiful up close than she was from his bedroom window. 

“Lots of questions you have for me. I should be the one asking who you are. This is my property” Arthur replied. The moment he said it, he felt a pang of guilt. He had a hard time talking to somebody without being defensive anymore. The girl didn’t seem to care. 

“I’m really sorry.” She smiled, almost solemnly. “I’m __. There was this sweet old lady, Mrs. Kirkland, who lived here quite a bit ago. She was a regular at my nans flower shop in town, she used to invite me over quite a bit to have tea. Before she passed, she told me I could still visit the fields whenever I wanted. It never occurred to me that somebody else would be living here after she…” 

“Oh, don’t worry, __.”  Was all Arthur could muster up saying. The way her name spilled off his tongue sent a shot of adrenaline up his spine. __. So very fitting. 

He found it strange from the start that his grandmother left him her cottage, of all things. Maybe, somehow, this was her funny little way of playing matchmaker for him. The blush rose back to his cheeks. 

“I’m Mrs. Kirklands grandson, Arthur. I’m sorry for making accusations.” 

“It’s alright.” She smiled. “I’m sure if I saw some strange girl on my property I would be curious, too.” 

“How did you know I lived here?” Arthur asked, meeting her bright __ eyes. 

“It just feels less lonely when you’re here.” She smiled. “That, and I heard you drop your mug one morning. Your reaction wasn’t all that discreet.”

She giggled, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. 

“Oh, for fucks sake, you mean to tell me you saw that?” 

“I promise I’m not a stalker,” her smile seemingly permanent on her face. “Just observant, is all.” 

“I wasn’t accusing you of being one.” 

“Oh, but I can tell you’ve thought about it.” 

Arthur wanted to tell her he didn’t think any malice of her. He wanted to tell her that even if she was stalking him, it was the best intrusion of his privacy he’s ever had. He wanted to grab her little hand that rested upon her knee, but he knew he couldn’t. He’s never felt so intimidated by another person in his life. 

Arthur said nothing to her in response, and instead for a moment, __ studied him, then stood up. 

“Don’t leave.” He said, suddenly. It wasn’t even his intention, it came out of him on instinct. She looked back down on him and smiled, and shook her head. 

“I wasn’t planning on it, darling.” She giggled. “I’ll be right back.” 

Arthur watched her as she tumbled down the hill to the fields, the tall grasses and flowers welcoming her like she was a part of them. He finally had the opportunity to sigh, and run a hand through his hair. He couldn’t stop thinking about how his grandmother probably set this whole thing up for him, she was always a clever woman. 

__ came back a few minutes later with hands full of flowers. She sat back down in front of him, and carefully broke the stems of the flowers to make them shorter. He wanted to question her process, but instead just watched her. He finally made a noise when his breath hitched as she moved to push some of his hair out of his face. 

“You have the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen.” __ marveled, her own eyes gentle as they looked into his. 

“I- Thank you.” Arthur held back a stammer. She brushed his hair from his face again, then gently placed a daisy behind his ear. 

“Perfect.” She giggled, pushing his hair away from the other side of his face to make room for another daisy. 

“You’re ridiculous, woman.” He shook his head, but couldn’t hold back a smile. “Who on god's earth are you?” 

She shook her head, and shrugged. 

“I’m just trying to enjoy the life I was given. No use in living unless you spend every day the way you want.” 

“Do you work?” 

“At my nans flower shop, yes. It’s not as much about money as it is enjoying my time with my nan.” She shook her head. “Besides basic bills and the likes, everything I need I make myself.” 

“Do you drive?” 

“A bike. I never felt the need for a car.” 

“Do you have a cellphone?” 

“Of course, I like to live naturally, that doesn’t mean I’m a barbarian.” 

“I was just wondering.” Arthur chuckled, making the bold move of pushing her hair out of her face. Her eyes fluttered shut and a small smile spread across her face. He grabbed a cornflower and tucked it behind her ear. He felt breath against his arm, there was something so intimate about her breathing. It had barely started to occur to him that this was the girl he’s admired from afar for months. 

“Perfect.” He teased, eliciting a giggle from her. His hand still touched against the softness of her cheek, lingering there, but she didn’t seem to mind. She gently reached for his hand, lowering it from her face, and instead threading her fingers in between his. The softness of her skin, the warmth of her smile, the sweet little chime in her voice, everything about her overwhelmed him. 

God, he wished he could thank his grandmother for this.

[bunny-wk-fanfic]

FML

Wow... been far too long, almost feels like, ancient times.

So I had planned on returning earlier, only, 2020 is being a bitch and I kept getting delayed. By one thing after the other.

I had officially moved into the repaired apartment at the end July and was going to use August to finish clearing out my sister’s stuff to make room for my own and then return in September. Only, that obviously didn’t happen. I had a health scare in the beginning of the month; a week-long migraine or multiple migraines, I don’t know to be honest the week was a blur after the second day. But it got to a point where my vision had been impaired, nearly passed out, and the pain was so horrible that I literally began to throw up. The following week was spent on getting tested and then forced to do a 24 hr blood pressure test. My doctor chalked it up to high blood pressure in the end, though refused to look at other options, but what do I know, I’m not a doctor.

So September was shot, as I was exhausted after that ordeal and thought, ok, I’ll start in October. That was when my car decided it was the time it was going to die. I pretty much spent all of October scrambling for getting a new one while having to borrow my dad’s car for 3 weeks. Meetings with the bank, my financial advisor (which is very common in Germany to help everyone with their finances and insurances), mechanic to decide whether I spend the money to fix my car or buy a new one. Ultimately, I bought a new one. Which I love, even though it’s a stick and not automatic. So with October nearly over, I thought, hey, I’ll start again in November.

November 2020, quite possibly the month that broke the world and history, also the month when I got laid off. As well as finally sign a contract with my landlord to rent from him (yes he basically blew me off for two+ months, and it took to me HINTING about not paying rent to get him to come to me, only to hear that he doesn’t believe in Covid like it’s an option). I was told in, not so direct terms, that due to Covid, the company wouldn’t meet it’s projected numbers by the end of 2020, and the higher ups decided to reduce the commission number significantly lower for the next year, forcing them to downsize. Meaning, other than myself, many were let go. And they still plan on sifting through their workers until Christmas.

Thankfully, I quickly found a new job, started today, and I still plan on starting up once again. I hope to start again by this weekend. Hopefully.

So yeah, been hectic, outside of Covid. I would also like to apologize for my lack of activity and for being away for so long. None of this was planned, and I was forced to literally fly by the seat of my pants for the last two months leaving me exhausted. I hope everyone is safe, healthy, and enjoying the turn that took place as of last week. Let’s just hope everyone can benefit from the next President more so than the few that benefited from the last.

[fly-underground]

six hundred and seventy five: 2019

The annual year in review entry. I’ve written this post nine times, one for every year of this decade. I reread the very first one, from 2010, aloud to my mother the other night. My writer’s voice is so chipper in it, so young. I had just started college. In so many ways, I had barely lived. I was about to list off all the things I hadn’t yet done, as an explanation. But the truth is, even now, having done at least a few of those things, I still have barely lived. I want to remember that, to bottle up that feeling of wistfulness for a younger self, that protective inclination to wait for things to get better and worse, because I know I still need it. There is still so much I haven’t done, so much I want to do. Ways to spend the next few decades, if I’m lucky enough to have them.

Last year at this time, I think I was home alone with Cory. I can’t remember it perfectly. The past few years have blurred together in that regard. Was this the year that Mariah Carey sang badly during Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve? I’ll look it up after I write this. The point is, I welcomed in the new year alone, but not really, and then received a flurry of text messages from my mother and brother and so many friends. January passed in New York for the most part. I went to my favorite bar every week, first with Liz and then with Vivian. I got bad news one night about a fellowship and the next night, I found out that my fellowship paper was selected for an academic conference. I felt like Even Steven, losing one thing, gaining another. By the time I made it back to Boston, for the spring semester, it was the end of the month. That last week became so important, especially in retrospect. I met a man from the past in one of my classes, someone I knew vaguely from my time at Swarthmore. February was about him. And so was March and April and May.

I used to keep details off my blog, because I was afraid of people reading and piecing together the truth. I wanted to be polite and coy. Now, I guess I don’t really know who is still reading this. And maybe I also don’t care. If you know me, really know me, you know what happened. If you don’t, well: in February, this blast from the past man sent me an email about coffee. I said yes and we spent hours together, walking around Cambridge, the pink sky of the new moon above our heads. Then he asked me to go to the Arnold Arboretum. We never went. Instead, we talked for hours in another coffee shop. Uncharacteristically, I asked to see his place and after I met his roommates, in-between bites of fig newtons, he leaned over and whispered: Can I kiss you? His tongue slipped into my mouth in the darkness of his living room. He kissed me again on his doorstep and my head spun on the lyft ride home. I threw up hours two hours later, from the hunger induced migraine. I didn’t eat at all that day, except for the cookies in his house and the lettuce wrapped in turkey at midnight in my bed. Of course I threw up. The next week, we went out again. Later, in my bed, wrapped up in his wiry, tattooed arms, I was just happy. That was when he told me, that he’s an alcoholic and an addict. It should have changed something for me, it should have set off an alarm. It didn’t.

Four days later, he relapsed. He had cancelled and then un-cancelled our date. I met him at a Starbucks and on the T back to his place, our legs touched. I felt bad, terrible in a way that I couldn’t name. We watched some Netflix original reality show and then, in his bed, we had sex. We kissed. He told me about his history of self harm and severe mental illness. I talked about my own trauma. It was not a good date. I couldn’t sleep after. In the morning, after he made me eggs and I realized he would not be going to his next AA meeting, I asked, trying not to cry, Will I see you again? He said of course, and then he backed me into a wall and kissed me with a boyish glee. I felt relieved and stupid. Three days later, he told me he couldn’t make it to my place for dinner. He said that he felt like he had encountered me in the wrong moment of his life, that he couldn’t stop drinking, that he was checking himself into a facility, that I meant something to him. I cried that whole weekend. I barely ate. No one could help me.

It was like this for months. Every interaction between us charmed and hurt me. When he was doing well, I was joyous. Otherwise, I was miserable. I skipped meals. I had nightmares. I cried alone in my room, on walks around campus. I lost weight and inches. I felt like I was dying. Somehow, in that strange internal darkness, I realized I was not okay. I wanted to be okay, more than anything. I felt bad all the time and I was tired of feeling bad. In April, I started seeing a therapist. In May, I started seeing a nutritionist.  I went to a support group meeting and read literature about codependency. I felt like it was my fault, my emotions, my own shit. I called my mother and Vivian and Michael. I was defensive about this guy. Addiction is a disease, an addict is not a Bad Person, but he can be a deeply troubled person. 

And then, after all of that, one day in May, he told me that he had gotten involved with someone. It was the way he said it. Two weeks before, in his bed, he had asked if he could undress me. I told him then, sitting outside the Harvard Square T stop, that he was a coward. He flinched, like I hit him. I said, I thought I loved you, but you aren’t who I thought you were. I guess, I didn’t really love you then. I also said, I’m sorry if that hurt you, I don’t mean to hurt you. And he told me, his eyes glassy, that I meant something to him. Of course, I knew that. Of course, it didn’t matter.

I skipped some stuff, or I made it seem small. In May, when I went to that support group meeting, I actually spoke in the group. I said, Every day I feel this intense pressure to try my best. I want to be kind and generous and patient and brave and good. But it’s so much work, being that way. Sometimes, I can’t do it. Sometimes, I just don’t have it in me. On those days, I want to give myself permission, to simply try. On those days, “best” is not the goal. The goal is to keep at it, whatever it is. So, I went to classes and socialized and asked for help. I told my therapist in April, that coming to therapy meant that I wasn’t hopeless, that I hadn’t given up on myself. In March, I presented my paper at an academic conference, as a single author. I was also on a poetry panel with Trista, Amanda, Cyrus, and Iain. How insane to be there with them, to be included in a family of poets.

In June, the man disappeared, moved away without a real goodbye. At the time, I was devastated. I can’t describe the feeling of abandonment, but I thought: love is not for me. I thought it through June and July. I went out with a series of inconsequential men. There’s a photo I saved on my phone, after one of those dates. He wasn’t a bad guy, just boring, just rude. I came home and cried until my mascara had spread across my face. I went back to New York in July, and in between visiting with friends and volunteering at camp, I had a hilarious summer fling, not a story just something for friends to gossip about. Even then, I was lonely. I didn’t run away from it, though. I recognized it. I thought, I should keep trying. Maybe I would find a good thing.

August had me dog-sitting and transliterating Sanskrit books and gearing up for the final year of my master’s degree and looking into various doctoral programs. It was also when I went on a first date with this handsome, funny, smart, and unbelievably kind man, who would eventually become my boyfriend— how weird that word looks here, how funny that it means something to me after all these years. It has felt like emotional whiplash, this year, loving two men. Looking back, it should be easy to say oh that wasn’t really love. But that’s not true. I loved two people this year, just so differently. If the first love made me nervous, the second makes me calm. I was on a bus back to Boston after Thanksgiving and the traffic was terrible and I felt an ugly irritation bubble inside me because of my seat neighbor. I thought about my boyfriend then, his easy smile, how he rubs my back when I cough. What a small thing, but I felt lighter just thinking about it. It sounds silly and cheesy, I know. But I don’t want to belittle it, not here. I don’t think I have ever really felt so good to be with someone before. It is so new to me, this joy, this stability. I don’t want to take it for granted.

I wrote in my journal a few days ago, that I’m not sure if this relationship is good because he is so good, or because I have done the work of trying to lead a healthier life. Is this just a byproduct of one or the other? Or, as Liz says, is this what happens when two Virgos come together? I don’t know, I loved a Virgo once before, and I don’t remember ever feeling this light. This is different. He is different.

In September, I went to Denmark for my ten year reunion camp reunion. I started this blog right after that iconic summer, 16 and strangely tan from all that northern sun. From October through December, I applied to doctoral programs. Yes, again. We’ll see what happens. For the first time, I don’t really know what I want in my future, but I’m trying to trust in the universe to guide me there. I know I want love. It’s hard for me to admit that. I used to scorn women who named that in their list of goals, but it’s important, as important as everything else. I want to feel close to someone. I want a life of meaning, even if it just means something to me. I want to write. I hate that I ever stopped doing that. I feel sometimes like I have wasted my potential there, in writing professionally. I hope that’s not true. I am not ready to give this up, this dream that could still turn into something.

Something that I said a lot this year: whatever happens, I’ll be okay. During a depressive episode a few weeks ago, I thought I was losing everyone in my life, that everyone secretly hated me. What I told myself then, was not that I was crazy or wrong, but that I could deal with it. It’s true. If that happened, I could deal with it. But I hate that response. I wish I fought more. I wish I didn’t turn over so easily. Not that I think I could change someone’s mind. But I wish I didn’t just accept the worst case scenario. Anyway, maybe it’s strange even to debate this. The truth is so far from the worst case scenario. In fact, right now the truth is I am so fucking lucky. Ten years ago, I was just a high school student whining on the internet. Today, I am a Harvard graduate student; I am an author; I have a publication list that makes professors raise their eyebrows; people care about what I write and think; there are people who love me, really love me; I am healthier and happier than I ever thought I deserved to be. I worked for this. I earned it. I didn’t give up on me.

I can’t predict anything about the future. I’m always so hilariously wrong. Mostly I hope I never stop trying. 2020 still sounds like a fiction, but it’s real, it’s happening, it’s here. It’s funny, I only ever feel that surprised by joy. I hope that never changes.

[fuck-customers]

Big Bird Deli, Part 3

Continued from https://fuck-customers.tumblr.com/post/185625162330/continuation-of-the-big-bird-deli-story-found

Now, I know you all want me to say I got a new job and rubbed it in my store manager’s face. Sadly, reality is often disappointing. My top choices so far sent back general rejection emails and I’m looking into different industries to branch into. Now, it's not all bad news, but in order to get into the good news, I need to tell you all a story about one co-worker; our constant call off, whom I’ll refer to as CCO. Buckle up for a long story.

CCO was transferred to our store from the one about five minutes down the road a little under three years ago now. I was still in my first year when she transferred in. As I worked with her, she seemed like a good co-worker. Knowledgeable, dependable, she even taught a bunch of tricks to make the job easier. Then, some things started to bubble to the surface.

At first, the only bad thing about her is that she took a long time in the bathroom, 10-15 minutes, pretty much a break without clocking out for one. CCO’s explanation for this was biological, but she couldn’t identify her condition. Skeptical, but ok. Then, she’d also take a long time to get a drink (Non-alcoholic). Managers caught sipping a drink in the break room, and even the training room (Small room with computers for basic training/OSHA/Food Safety) and told her multiple times, she could only do that on breaks. She’d also do stuff that led to numerous signs in our back hall. She’d try store dry food there, take drinks back there, and she’d be on her cell phone on her shift way too much (Mostly showing her cats, making notes, not talking or playing games).

Then, she began to talk constantly. She’d talk with customers even after their orders were done. I constantly saw customers get that “I need to get going but I don’t see my chance to leave yet” expression, and she’d keep blabbering on for a few more minutes as the customer slowly tried to inch away. But it wasn’t just customers, CCO would do the same to co-workers. She’d blabber on while doing nothing or only very small tasks. Sometimes her conversations sucked you in, even though the topics were things from youth, church, or constant updates about her cats (she and husband got up to FIVE cats, and yes, introductions to them included pictures.) I had the highest tolerance for these stories, not sure why.

Now, I can handle those things above. But it got worse. So. Much. Worse. After our store got remodeled just before CCO came in, tasks were updated to include not only sweeping the department floor every night but also washing and squeegeeing the floor. CCO made excuses so she wouldn’t be the one doing it. She’d do anything she could to pass it off on that night’s co-worker. She made excuses that it hurt her back, but refused time and time again to get a doctor’s note to excuse her from the task. She also made excuses that it was tiring, but she stopped those excuses after only a couple weeks. This, coupled with many closers forgetting some tasks, provoked our Deli Manager to make daily task sheets starting this past summer, mostly focused on the closing staff. I, personally, am ok with the sheets, as I view it as a tool to acclimate new employees to the department tasks.

But here’s the big one. She ‘began’ to get migraines within six months of her transfer. She’d slow and become less useful during work, taking long treks to get water and basic medicine that seemed to do the trick at first. The kicker is that she began to call off once every two weeks. Now, you may think that’s not so bad and it’ll count against her. Wrong. She applied for FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) for her migraines. She could spend a TON of hours towards it, and she could reapply when she ran out. I started out sympathetic, as I have family members with migraines, but they have methods to curb it so they can work. CCO started calling off once a week. Twice a week. This year, it went up to three times a week. And it was almost always on the same co-worker, Nice Coworker (NC). NC became stressed, she didn’t even want to be scheduled with CCO because of it, but sometimes had no choice. I saw NC break down in tears multiple times. She threatened management to not call her if CCO called off on Sundays, cuz she wouldn’t come in at all. Our deli manager retaliated by trying to schedule CCO less. CCO retaliated by complaining about her hours and claiming hours of other co-workers due to seniority!!! She’d just take their shifts and call-off anyway! So not only was she causing hours to drop, she was basically stealing money from people who actually show up for work.

This all caused morale and productivity to plummet. We were stressed, aggravated even. All the while management still wanted everything perfect while not addressing the problem. And since we’re union, management has to give CCO chance after chance before she’s finally fired or CCO will just run and cry to the union about ‘unfair termination’. We also got wind from people in the store down the street (Sometimes people over here have to cover over there and vice versa) that this behavior happened down there, but not to the extent it got down here, and was the reason CCO transferred. We also learned that she’s had this behavior at all the past jobs she told anyone about. This woman is ten years older than me and hasn’t learned any lessons about her behavior.

Oh, but the cherry on top of this comes in the form of gaslighting and manipulation. CCO dared to call NC her friend while she was claiming NC’s hours and calling off on her! CCO would apologize and say that she “was a shitty person,” and that we “must hate her”. Insincere apologies, self-bashing designed to make you say “No, you’re not a piece of garbage!”(even though she was). CCO also spread rumors about a friend who’s like a brother to me (from another department) when he briefly got in deep trouble. She did this because she thought she could get his full-time position once he was fired (A position that took him being there 12 years and his manager begging multiple times on his behalf to get). Needless to say, I heard through the grapevine and began to truly hate her.

Oh, and remember those call-offs? CCO’d often do those on the weekend, y’know, the busy times. Especially Sundays. Since she was a “Good Christian™”, she’d want to go to church on Sundays. Ok. Reasonable. Then, she called off on Sunday evenings, a shift that’s hell to close alone. Again, on NC mostly. She’d do this repeatedly until our Deli Manager decided to not schedule her on Sunday, two weeks in a row. CCO smirked and told NC that “Her plan had worked!” and that she won’t work Sundays (She didn’t put them off on her availability because it was discouraged, and sometimes even rejected, to not work weekends). To say that, and say that to the person she called off on constantly, is just despicable. Many of us told our deli manager as soon as possible. If she didn’t schedule CCO on Sundays, she’d work on Sundays in any department she had experience in (she’s cross-trained in the Hot foods and meat departments).

At the start of this year. Everyone in the department hated her. Some would be catty or strictly business with her. I opted to pretend to not want to rip her face off, otherwise, I risked forwarding that bile to customers, and I have cried on CCO’s shoulder in the past due to previous work-related bullshit (not the story above). But, we finally had some news from the grapevine; CCO’s doctor AND corporate had picked up on her FMLA abuse. It was flagged as abuse because during times her FMLA expired and needed to be redone her migraines had ‘mysteriously’ disappeared. No call-offs until after FMLA was reinstated. Her doctor told her that he wouldn’t approve more and even if he did, it wouldn’t be approved by the company. By our calculations, she’d run out at the end of May. She ran out mid-May. All we had to do was wait.

And this past week, the good news! Turns out CCO didn’t help NC much the Saturday of my paid vacation. NC went to Store Manager on Wednesday, on her day off, to report CCO. Store Manager told NC that CCO, and potentially all of the deli, was going to get pulled into the office soon one by one. Details couldn’t be said due to confidentiality but NC said that shit was about to go down, we all just didn’t know what. On Friday, now mid-June, our Union Steward (A worker to represents the union while not working for the union directly) came and got CCO and pulled her into the office with Store Manager. Ten minutes later, CCO was escorted out of the store by Loss Prevention. The scales finally tipped when the customer complaints stacked up, and that she got into a verbal argument with a co-worker (Not me or NC) with a manager as a witness. Said co-worker was at the store on her day off, shopping and chatting with us briefly. While CCO passed by, CCO called her a bitch, in earshot of Loss Prevention. But that was the last we’ve seen of CCO.

Slight dancing was had, and upper management reminded us that this is an opportunity to turn the deli around. We got a new person who started during my vacation. She’s absolutely amazing and gets along with everyone. It’s only been a few days, but already other departments are commenting that the deli seems happier and that a great weight has been lifted. I always joked about giving CCO this big speech in a dark, even tone and saying she needs to go on disability or welfare if her work ethic or migraines are that bad. But, I decided against doing a big Facebook drama thing. Instead, I blocked her on social media and her phone number. I’m glad to finally cut her out of my life permanently.

As for me? I’m still at Big Bird. Now that the main problem is gone, I can take my time finding a good job and not go for the first one that gives me an interview. I still want to leave because of upper management, and I haven’t received confirmation that my write up was overturned. Things are looking up, and I’m glad we now have a solid, competent team as we get ready for the 4th of July sales.

Last word: I was going to post this as is, but today, I heard something amazing. A co-worker had to work a split shift, beginning down the road then coming up to our store. Turns out, CCO didn’t tell her husband that she got fired! She told him she was on vacation! And he works down the street! I busted up laughing, imagining scenarios when he finds out she lied. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall for that confrontation. :3

TL;DR

Not much has happened other than a co-worker getting fired and absolutely deserving it after putting the deli under so much stress.

[tumblunni]

Ohhh fuckin geez at least let me has a pikachu

Today's update: still feeling all fucked up from Everything Happening At Once, also getting a migraine from all the stress the other day and how i basically didnt sleep for two days and then passed out today and lost the entire 24 hours. Like man i cant even say the family shit was yesterday?? It just feels that way cos i spent all of today either sleeping, crying or crying on the phone to the bank and the stupid online game store that took my money for pokemon preorder yet didnt send me the actual game. GAHHHH and ive forgotten to Eat Food for like the whole three days all this shit has been going down, aside from a handful of Starburst candy my sis gave me during our Big Awkward Moment. And the energy drink i chugged on the way there to meet her because Fuck I Need Awakeness To Comprehend This Shit. I think my stomach is exploding in on itself.

Anyway! ANYWAY!! Gahhh! Anyway!

Thank you mega fuckin big much to the friends who leant me money AGAIN, both to catch the midnight bus to meet a long lost sibling and also to fix this stupid game preorder bollocks. God what the fuck is up with my life? I feel so guilty asking for money and man you guys have leant me like 300 in the last 3 months! Fuck i hope this stupid cavalcade of finance problems stops soon and i can start paying you all back because JESUS CHRIST. I feel like my skin is melting off my bones whenever i think about how much i dont deserve such great friends! 'welp yeah theyre wonderful people, guess i lost an arm' You ever wanna cringe yourself into a little ball from embarassment? Yeah like that but so much that i disintegrate into atoms.

SO I HOPE! FOR FUCKIN GODS SAKE! That this stolen money zero game bullshit gets resolved soon. But there's no chance of it taking less than a week, so thank you SO MUCH for helping me place another preorder at a different more reliable shop! This is what i get for fuckin going bargain hunting aaa. I ordered pikachu version just in case the original order does somehow turn up, cos it was eevee version. But i got none of the preorder bonuses anymore and no pokeball controller on this. I guess maybe itll make my second playthru more fun if i can finally use the damn controller, haha! And this second copy is probably gonna arrive quite late now cos i missed the preorder window. But it should be either on saturday or monday which is way better than waiting a month or something chasing up this bullshit! And hopefully also in a week or two i will get the money back from selling alll those preowned games, and it can go towards A: GROCERIES and B: repaying bebst friends of reckless money giving. You guys are fuckin nuts, seriously!! And man god i hate that im still suffering this knock-on effect tight finances bullshit from the stupid mental hospital thing 3 months ago. I mean i failed to even last a month there and its cost me almost a thousand pounds in terms of stocking up the stuff to be able to move house temporarily, all the mobile data i had to use while being without internet while i was there, all the miscellaneous expenses along the way, and then all the bill debt and having to restock tolietries and groceries and everyries when i got back home. Sighhh! And i feel guilty that i bought a stupid warhammer starter kit around halloween and i still havent even opened it because The Guilt. Like man i should have somehow predicted there would be more money trouble and saved that money rather than make a selfish purchase. But like it was the cheapest beginners kit anyway and i even haggled a discount for getting the figures without the paint. And now im being selfish and getting this pokemon game!! Twice!! Because stupid fuckin online banking nonsense!! Godddd give me back my money so i can give it to my friendsssss

So yeah in summary Bunni Feel Bad and also Overwhelmed and also Bad. But hopefully stuff is sorted now. Gah!

Also probably will be some delay on doing a lets play of this new pokemon cos i dunno when its gonna arrive and also i feel Big Sick now and need to chug a paracetamol and eat a loaf of bread before i die. Hope i dont spend all weekend just passed out on the sofa from Too Much Braining In One Day. Srsly why did this all happen all at once...

Also i probably wont go with the idea of twin protagonists headcanon for this LP, cos the whole Untimely Lost Sibling Madness kinda made that a sore spot to think about. One good side of getting the version i didnt want is that i can pick the female protagonist if i get pikachu version, and go with the personality i was gonna use for the female sibling. Cos actually it seems that your rival dude's perosnality is kinda simular to what i was gonna do for the male sibling? Could just have that sort of relationshup as a best buddies thing. And playing as a sassy roughhousing jock girl protag is gonna be more fun than playing The Nice And Shy Dude which is basically what i always do in every game cos its just me??? Would get more fun character lets player contrast with protagonist Darcy.

Also fuck i am gonna have SO MUCH to talk about in this first episode! Watchers who dont follow me on tumblr are gonna be so confused. "Hey youtube i just got out of mental hospital and found my long lost sister who thought i was dead, anyway never mind that lets talk about pokemon! I was gonna say i dont have any baby pictures of me when the original Pokemon Yellow came out, but here's the one i found on a facebook obituary for myself yesterday..."

What the fuck is my life, seriously?

Also if my starter ends up being a male pikachu im gonna name it Chuppy after my original one in pokemon yellow. And if its a girl i'll call it Ghostwriter after my mimikyu and pretend that its a mimikyu that just has an extra high quality disguise. Seriously, picturing all of these cute antics and tiny costumes on mimikyu makes it all even sweeter to me! I love ghosties!!

LOL I JUST REALIZED MAYBE IM A GHOST TRAINER COS I WAS "DEAD" ALL THESE YEARS AND DIDNT KNOW IT

Seriously man if there are any parents out there reading this, dont fuckin lie to your 4 year old that her sibling is dead just because the dad divorced you. There are no words for how fucked up this is. Except 'oh i guess thats why my favourite digimon frontier character is duskmon'. I fuckin thought that plot was unrealistic when i first watched it! XD actually i think duskmon is straight up my favourite digimon design and the one i'd probably pick as my partner, even though i prefer Impmon's plot from the third season. I kinda wanna go make a fanmade full evolution line for Duskmon now?? Man why am i getting so wildly off topic!

I really need to eat a food and sleep a sleep

[zukazukazuka]

Takarazuka ~World of Dreams~ in Seattle

I waited until I got all the way home to Boston to post this because I have so many things I want to get out and it would be impossible to do on my phone, so here I am, waiting for some late night Chinese food to arrive, and I’m going to just sort of wordvomit everything from this past weekend before I put it off too long that it’s just too stale to do anymore or I’ll forget these 5000 thoughts going through my head.  It took me until Friday to finish it, so I wrote it in a couple different chunks and it’s a bit rambling, so....apologies for the length (ahaaahahaa...) and also if I repeat myself...I tried to add pictures in to make it more interesting, ahaha.

As I said in a (forthcoming) podcast of all of us rambling about our thoughts and impressions after the show, it still somehow doesn’t feel real.  There was so much build up prior to the event that now that it’s over I’m still sort left with this lingering feeling of “did that actually happen?”  So much happened over the course of three days.

We flew in on Friday after staying up until 2:30 AM EST finishing costume details and packing.  Our flight was at 9 but I still got up at 5 because I’m a masochist or something, and only grabbed about 3 hours of sleep on the six hour flight (more than usual because I recently purchased a TRTL neck scarf thing and it’s freaking life changing because I can never sleep on planes and neck pillows are bulky and uncomfortable but this thing is MAGIC).  We got to our hotel probably around 2:30, took showers, were starving, so I poked around for potential spots to eat and since it was chilly and rainy I googled for ramen on google maps, and the closest spot was a place called KIKI RAMEN, so, naturally, we had to go (it was delicious btw).

We didn’t have any drinks but those looked pretty great too (yes, it says OG Kiki and Kiki favorites and the actual punchline of this joke is that Kiki herself doesn’t drink so it’s amusing - sidenote: as a testament to her acting talent, she plays a very good drunk.  See: MeMy 2016).

So then, Al and I had a special meeting on Friday evening, which was a costume fitting.  I kept under wraps for months that Sakiko had asked me to provide costumes for this performance for the Rose of Versailles numbers.  The thought of siennes wearing my silly cosplay costumes floored me, and even though I knew I’d have to rework (and actually remake) a few pieces, I enthusiastically agreed.  I knew there would be challenges in the sense that I have very little experience sewing for another person, much less someone I wouldn’t physically have access to ensure a proper fit, but long story short, it happily worked out.  

I can see the mistakes, and there were a few snafus and some misunderstandings, but both Ayaka Rei and Shiho Nanami were so so nice gracious and patient with me that even though I was NERVOUS AS HELL especially going into the first fitting on Friday and had to rework some rework on Sunday (I literally was sewing in a zipper and tacking down the sash right before they had to get dressed for the show), in the end everything turned out fine.  Eriko-san, their manager, was super sweet and multiple times gave me food or snacks (a lifesaver on Sunday hurk).  The header photo is a really bad screencap from some video I took during dress rehearsal, and the photo above is from Eriko-san via Sakiko, as I’m 10000% kicking myself for being too damn shy to ask for a photo for at least my own posterity, but there also just wasn’t a lot of time to do so anyway. 

I remade the brooches (hand gluing several hundred individual rhinestones that took about 3.5 hours per brooch) and they glittered like the flipping sun.  The Oscar coat I had to make a new one of completely because I have 0 experience altering already made garments and my own would be far too big.  Luckily I had the resources to put together something that worked and chose a different version that meant I wouldn’t have to spend 4 hours per sleeve embellishing (and as cool as that would have been and I in theory had time to do it since I had months of advance notice, I also worked 6 days per week from about May through October, so unfortunately the time and sanity just wasn’t there).

These are the original costumes, Andre’s is basically the same. 

And here’s a WIP of the new Oscar coat I made for this show - these are the tails, which you don’t get to see really so...now you do! 

I used some fancy materials because I’m Extra, and if there’s a time to be Extra at all in your costume making it’s when you’re making a Takarazuka costume for actual Takarazuka actresses to wear on stage.  I worried Andre might be too plain, but I had forgotten that there’s actually a solid amount of sequins on that costume too and it sparkled in the stage lights and I was just so happy.  Extra shoutouts to the lady at the fabric store in Pike Market place who had a separating zipper in the exact color and almost exact length I needed, everyone who cheered me on as I was freaking out about Mood not sending my fabric, my friends who did the resin jewels for the center of the brooches, Jen and Becca who sat with me while I sewed down to the wire, and of course my ever patient and wonderful partner Al, who was guinea pig and model and motivator while I sewed for about 4 days straight over Thanksgiving weekend.  A huge huge thank you to Sakiko, the wonder woman of this whole event, for even extending me the opportunity to do this.  (Extra shout out to MAITII (Minami Maito) AND LUNA (Saezuki Runa) for loaning their boots for the performance, THANKS LADIES).

But of course, the deepest thanks and gratitude, from the bottom of my heart, to Ayaka Rei and Shiho Nanami, who again were so kind and patient (especially Ayaka Rei as I had to make the most adjustments to her costume and some trial and error after a couple things didn’t work out), who looked amazing and performed wonderfully and I will just never ever forget those moments for the rest of my life.

Me with the costumes after we got home because idk reasons:

ANYWAY, so we got to quickly meet all four of them briefly on Friday, and I also got to hand off our super modest (本当につまらないものですが）gifts of Boston tea to each of them (because what else do you give people as a representation of where you live when you’re from Boston that isn’t overly MURRICA but is still notable - tea).  Mariho Erina greeted us in English and I felt like all weekend she was excited to use it as much as she could - she and Tama Mayura were both so sweet.

On Saturday we met up with lovelies  @zukadiary​, @suitsuite​, @hoshigomi​, and S for some wandering around Pike Place Market (I’m only slightly bummed that because of the craziness of the weekend it didn’t afford much time for actual sightseeing), lunch, and some brief shopping before going our separate ways for a few hours.  I spent some time doing some fixes to the costumes before getting ready for our dinner party / ochakai with the “superfans” (lololol) and the OGs, which ended up being in a more tea party format and was so fun to spend time with other fans that I hadn’t met before in person or don’t get to see often - @suitsuite did a great writeup of the events here, so I’ll let you wander over there to check out her account.  We ended up in the front row center (lawl) which was pretty great for when they sang for us, ngl.  Unfortunately I started the event with a headache that proceeded to a nasty migraine by the end, so we had to skip out on karaoke and head back to the hotel immediately after everything was over because I got full on sick shortly after.  Luckily I felt much better after that and passed out.

Oh yeah, while walking around the Pike Place area, I spotted this restaurant: 

(By the way yes I realize it’s probably not that uncommon of a name but it works with the theme, ok)

On Sunday we got up earlyish (still being on east cost time it meant I was awake at like 6 AM but stayed in bed for a while after) and ate at Biscuit Bitch which was nextdoor to our hotel and was flipping d e l i c i o u s.  120% recommend.  I got their Seattle Fog drink which was Early gray, vanilla, steamed milk, and orange zest.  So A+.  They have gluten free versions of their biscuits and gravy, too!

Sunday was fun (I am being both facetious and serious at the same time here) because I ended up having to go run around looking for a fabric store for a zipper, since my original hook and eye closure for Oscar’s jacket wasn’t going to work for the change they needed to make for the next song, so I googlemaped this place called Our Fabric Stash, which is a cool concept of being able to sell off your extra fabric and maybe pick up some other stuff for a project - awesome recycling concept, and she had a bunch of vintage patterns and all kinds of stuff, including aforementioned gold find of a zipper (which I ended up putting in in a stupid way the first time and fixed later after dress rehearsal).  The woman there was super super nice and I wish I’d had more time to spend and talk with her and look around, but it took five of us like 20 minutes just to find it since it was buried in the market (I ended up running into several other zuka people down there during my own hunt who were also looking for the same shop) and I had limited time left to go put this thing in.

We made it to the theater just in the nick of time for dress rehearsal, realized there were still other things I’d need to fix afterward which became evident during that part of the rehearsal, so I stole the jacket away to rework the zipper again and fix a major flaw.  It was a great learning experience because I had to rewire my brain to not think like a cosplayer in the fact that I can’t just pin everything because these pieces all have to come off relatively quickly, and you only get a few minutes to actually look at them.  I had zero time to even put much makeup on at all during the whole day because there was just no down time to do it (I was literally hand sewing up until maybe 10 minutes before the show).  Not a BIG deal obviously but I like to be fancy when I can (luckily I had had the chance to not look like a scrub the past two nights so yay).  Eriko-san, their manager, graciously gave me two onigiri because I hadn’t eaten anything since that morning and I’m pretty sure it’s the only thing that really kept me from full on passing out later in the day.

Suddenly, it was time for the show.

There was a big center block of us right in front, which was honestly, so, so much fun - to go see a show with other foreign fans is rare, and it’s stupid rare for so many of us to be all together at once.  I wonder what the rest of the audience made of us, particularly at moments like when we all whispered “STAR!” to Ayaka Rei for the English word of her troupe when she forgot during her introduction.  But at any rate, Becca and Jen gave a wonderful short introduction to Takarazuka and foreign fans, and then they played the video from the English website that went a little more in depth (if you haven’t seen it, it’s a Time) - it’s actually a good overview despite a few funny quirks.  And then - OH AND THEN - the curtain raises and ahh the four of them are standing on stage, the Mariho Erina and Tama Mayura in lovely beautiful dresses to either side of Ayaka Rei and Shiho Nanami wearing my costumes, and they just glittered, literally and figuratively, and wow.  I’d forgotten how many sequins ACTUALLY were on that Andre jacket and it just glittered.  I could see some mistakes, worried that people would notice them, but in the end I just hoped that all of the sparkles were a big enough distraction that it wouldn’t matter.  I never imagined these costumes would be on stage, nevermind on actual former Takarasiennes, and just - hell.  It was amazing.  It is amazing, and I’m so happy I could make something so beautiful and bring together both of my stupidly expensive, ridiculous hobbies together like this.

The show was so fun - lots of familiar favorites of course, @suitsuite did another great writeup of the whole thing here, so I’ll just mention a few of my favorite scenes, which was of course the berubara opening songs, getting to hear Mariho Erina’s beautiful Watshi Dake Ni not once, not twice, but THREE times (because I got to sit in and listen to dress rehearsal) was pretty ace, but the moments I LOVED was them utilizing the stairs along the audience and high-fiving Nanami-san, all of their energy, the smiles on their faces and the tears in their eyes when we cheered and jumped to our feet at the end of the show.  I was so happy that the rest of the audience in the theater also enjoyed it, whether they already knew Takarazuka or were experiencing a taste of it for the first time, it was just so, so wonderful.  I LOVED the “rock” version of Sumire no Hana, and it was just SO MUCH FUN.

After the show we had to hang around for a while before grabbing the costumes, and since Al had been roped into doing the merch table, I chatted with some people who wandered by wanting more info before a few of us were used to help stage for the interview.  After that was done we grabbed the costumes, unfortunately had a really quick time to say goodbye, and then we met up with so many of you wonderful, amazing people for a post-show viewing party where we recorded reactions for the podcast, ordered enough pizza to feed a small army, and @hoshigomi and I polished off two bottles of sparkling rose like champs while watching SANTE, HOT EYES, Romance!!, and half of Sports day.  In all honesty, that was my favorite part of the weekend.  I’m so, SO sad we’re all so far flung that we don’t get to see each other very often at all, I’m SO sad for the people I didn’t get to see or meet because you couldn’t make it for one reason or another, but that’s what made this all the more special, what makes me wish we could ALL get together at some point, some day, JUST to hang out and scream and talk in person, to wear out our voices rather than our fingers, and as mentioned somewhere - the incredible concept of just LEANING OVER and showing someone new iride photos rather than sending them on LINE or twitter or whatever.

I said this on the recording that you’ll get to hear later, but I love Takarazuka for the love that it encourages - the love and happiness you feel watching a show, the love you have for the actresses, the love that other fans spread by paying it forward, by the random acts of kindness, by finding ways bring that love and happiness to others.  Especially in the past couple of years, I’ve needed that love more than ever.  I miss all of you so much, and I hope someday to meet those of you I haven’t yet in person to be able to soon.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[beautyindisguise00]

Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others?

Thursday October 1 2020 @2:53pm

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? last weekend. my boyfriend

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? my grandma. i’d ask her how she felt about how things are going with the big three family now

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? my grandma

4. How would you describe your current mood? calm and relaxed

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? crying myself to sleep last night. ugh, im so sensitive sometimes.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? i dont remember. haha

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? still have my v-card,but the bed. haha

8. What is your earliest memory? getting lost at a sports tournament. haha

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? i drink by myself, but not to get drunk

10. What type of a drunk are you? very chatty and giddy

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? there’s a lot.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? last weekend to a guy friend, Luke last weekend to my boyfriend a few weeks ago to my best friend, Angela all where of different feelings, but thankfully they were all very accepting

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? visiting a friend who was in a motorcycle accident

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? i haven’t been through a bad breakup and i hope i wont ever, but if i ever do. i’d probably cry myself to sleep each night and go through the motions through the day. i’d stay off social media until i’m ready to show my ex what he’s lost

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? i’ve never done drugs

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? forgetting to log out of my facebook messenger on my mom’s phone....

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? someone’s who’s kind. goes out of their way to help others. and many more. i can be a good person, but im not always

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? enjoy life. be kind to others. bring glory to God

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? animals should be treated with care and kindness. 

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? my boyfriend and i were out with his family

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? not love myself like i should be. form options about me without getting to know me

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? depends on who you are

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? we just grew apart. neither one of us put effort in the friendship anymore

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? not anymore, i’ve learned and moved on

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? i havent been yelled at in a while.

26. Where did your last injury come from? no major injuries lately. the last one i can recall was when one of my kiddos rammed into my toes and my toe nail chipped off

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? uhhhh, neck kisses, dirty talk, nip play. hahahaha

28. What are you like during arguments? stubborn. haha. and i try to be right all the time. 

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? they’re a b

30. Where do you like to be kissed? lips and neck

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? the first one

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? i was tired, sleep deprived, had a migraine from drinking too much. so i got upset at my boyfriend, but at least i knew not to say anything i’d regret to him.  we talked about it the day after and we’re all good now.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? if i wasnt already with my mom, then my mom. i’d tell her i love her and everyone else. i would want to hear her voice before i go.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? i’d tell those who are important to me first and spend as much time as i could with them.at first, i’d be afraid, but i know where i’m going so i’d just miss everyone more than anything

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? i dont see the choices

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? i can’t see my boss saying that to me, but i’d do my best to save that dog

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? well, essentially, they’re the same people so I’d end up getting hurt by both

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? my best friend is my boyfriend. haha

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? yes. I’d do that for my boyfriend so he’d be able to send one more hour with his grandpa

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? yes. haha

41. Does love = sex? not for everyone

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? honestly no. I also have financial things to take care of my own. I would very horrible, but i just can’t

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? just shared my intimacy life with a guy friend on a long road trip. nothing too bad, but i dont really talk about stuff that personal to me. haha

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? that i didn’t love them back or more so the feeling was not mutual 

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? my love for people. you can’t tell me to stop loving someone

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? my kiddos at work

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? honestly, i cant think of anything. not saying this last month was perfect, but it wasnt too bad

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? uhh, a wwe fighter. haha jk probably my boyfriend

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? yes. i’d always to try save a life

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? neither one of my grandmas are here 

51. Are you old fashioned? in some ways

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? work. haha

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? how it is true love when there’s a broken heart?

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? being able to travel anywhere and anytime

55. What was the last thing you ate? a chocolate chip muffin

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? guys who are kind to others, athletic, and hott. haha. honest truth

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? they drunk way to much and got on my nerves

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex at a time? vcard stil here but when my boyfriend comes to visit, we get intimate about 2-3 time a day. hahahaha morning, mid day, and night. lol

59. What reality shows do you watch? not much. sometimes KUWTK here and there 60. Post a video of yourself here: no thank you

61. Where do you work? at a daycare

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? no i always check the plates

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? tj maxx

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? teacher. haha

65. What’s your most irrational fear? use to be dolls. ahaha

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? i have about five saved on my car, but i dont really listen to the radio often. i usually just listen to my own music

67. What kind of music do they have? today’s top hits and Christian

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? hawaii!!

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? depends some yes some i’d pass

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? i dont have any planned right now

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? the meeting we had

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? nah, depends on the person but a quick hug is okay if we’re not that close, but if we are then sure, hug on!

[keiraelaine]

2017

This year I learned the compassion and caring that I’ve always felt shame for lacking. I learned how to listen and show up when someone tells me how they feel and I’m working out the kinks with making caring space for myself in relationships. I learned that I am worthy and I found love and I learned that I need to care about myself in order to take care of myself. I started learning how to do that. Long long post below. 

January: I flew into Green Bay like someone who doesn’t have any sense of self-preservation. I ignored the signs. Or, I worried that I was too anxious, and that it wouldn’t work because I couldn’t just trust a person. I was out of theory though, and I felt like I could breathe easier than I had in a year. Benson stopped me in the hall, surprised. Jan. 20 sucked. Landlord continued to not do his job. In coding, I felt like I was actually learning a cool thing. I spoke to no one. AfAm Writers seating was straight up segregated and we were intimidating. I learned more about the world at BGH than I did anywhere else. I suppose I felt shame, but I was away from the con. I couldn’t make myself care about getting out of bed. The voice search was frustrating, because no other students really showed up. 

February: I learned what I want to do with my life from a candidate. I had a reason to make myself get up in the morning. I offered crumbs because that’s what I did best, ask for nothing and feel anxious. We had one good night. People suggested walking away. I scared myself by not drawing a line and allowing some major bullshit. I should have known because every white girl I’ve been with couldn’t ignore me in public if she tried. My new friends showed me what respect looked like. In coding, my attendance and attention faltered. One night, I threw my phone. An apartment opened up and it seemed perfect. It took weeks for me to figure out he and we were going to stay unhealthy. I felt ignored and unimportant. My writing in AfAm was exemplary. My friend got really, really hurt by a shitty boy. I got hurt by a shitty boy too. I felt shame.

March: The coding project loomed just in time for me to realize I knew nothing about Java. The random girl in my class who I worked with made me laugh from my belly. The boy in our group was MIA and sexist. Cue the hardest project of my life with a partner who was brown but not a lesbian. I kept wanting to give up. I slowly figured out I thought and was afraid to think she was cute. My friends tried playing matchmaker. ACDA was magic and disappointing and educational all at once. I came back and made some quip about morning finals, and I gave back shit that wasn’t mine. I moved! I observed girl choir and thought it was impossible. I got a biopsy and was not dying. I passed coding barely, and AfAm with flying colors. I was nervous about history and about scenes, and anxious about the boundary I drew, but it turns out the Ignore Boring Girls in Public game continued regardless of how I tried to communicate. Some people I thought were friends knew and decided to not have my back. I decided to kiss the girl I wanted to kiss instead of waiting for some bullshit that would never not hurt. 

April: After kissing the girl I wanted to kiss, who was brown and not a lesbian and also cannot do Java, I went to the library with her, and then to breakfast, and then to a movie, and then back to bed! Beethoven haunted me. History started good and so did Race and Ethnicity, but RE went downhill fast. It was more 101 than I could even consider sitting through. They put me in with an orchestra and I sang well. I figured out that anxiety was now a loud, disruptive thing that I had to deal with every day of my life because of the shit I picked up from useless boys and men, especially theory. I apologized too much. I loved my new apartment. I was afraid to like this girl, but I pulled a Torres and UHauled faster than I thought proper. We said things to each other that were honest and caring at the same time, and kissed in my office.I stopped being afraid. Kadihjia left and I felt lost and angry and resentful. Spring scenes were fun!

May: Spring scenes continued to be fun because I barely had to speak to the directors, and thank god. They made me a witch with a knife and put me in white make-up. Choir became insufferable. I wanted to be in Cantala. I thought about dropping RE. I thought about dropping everything but singing and poems. Melissa gave me the tools for an excellent imitation poem and continued to trust me for reasons I can’t fathom still. I made friends with the Academy! They and Julie grew my brain bigger than I thought possible. I felt angry all the time. Every day. I learned jaw tension and migraines. I learned my recital rep. I wrote good program notes, and my mom came to visit. I didn’t weep this time. I sang very well. My people were there. My girlfriend was there, because that’s who she was. I looked elegant. Campus went to shit. My friends got hurt. I felt afraid.

June: I shaved the side of my head and rebleached the blonde bit and we three got tattoos and had a sleepover. My friend group kind of went to shit and I decided to not have friend groups anymore. I took an incomplete in history and then passed that shit like nobody’s business. I was so proud of myself. I worked an office job that seemed totally fine before it started sucking my soul out. Anger ran my life. Reunion weekend was a time for singing and remembering and confusion, but mostly a time for singing. I grew to resent the people I worked with. I missed my girlfriend but I trusted her, and missing someone you trust is a whole different game. I tried out veganism and yoga and both were good. Gaycation!

August: I scheduled box braids and tried bullet journaling and I got box braids and I felt Real. I felt ready and real and beautiful and worthy and loved. Except at work which continued to be bullshit. I worried about theory, but I knew I could at least try with a new professor. Still angry always. I felt like I could spend a good long time with my girlfriend. 

September: I thought all my classes would be exciting except theory. Turns out, a good teacher and an excellent therapist make theory perfectly good, and a teacher who doesn’t care to decolonize the classroom can make interesting content insufferably boring. I felt angry and anxious and safe. Facilities fired me. I had the worst panic attack of my life about my refund, and I felt angry at a white woman I typically trust more than most folks. PEDAL hit the group running. 

October: It was affecting me that half the queer Black women at school left. Anger abound. I was ready to slap some smiles off white girls’ faces. I was ready to schedule an actual fight with Richard. I was ready to drop Sonja’s class. My homework was getting done but I couldn’t say anything to a professor without also saying sorry. I did jack in my independent study. I thought about I wanted a Black Studies MA. 

November: Melissa convinced me about MFAs. I figured out that all I could do was give the best presentation in the class I wanted to drop. I took my hair out and panicked about it. I realized I needed to shave it off, so I did. Nothing I have ever done is as freeing as that I figured out that some white middle class women love technicality more than anything else. I learned that I can’t yet glare a shit-eating grin off a white face. I learned that I have trouble listening to my own needs, again. I learned that I’m allowed to work on it, that I’m allowed to feel overwhelmed and need to be comforted and held. I wanted to go home. We planned Costa Rica. I shaved all my hair off.

December: Straightness was a weight on my chest. I passed every single class. I got an A in music theory. I earned the grade of ‘A’ in MUTH 252. It felt unbelievable, like a miracle but also like a birthday, like a matter of course. I missed Rebecca. I had a massive breakdown about grad school. Melissa showed up for that anxiety. Girl choir was indescribable. I had a short quarter-life crisis about music education. I sank into a week-long lesbian unrequited shame melancholy and wrote some poems and asked for help and pulled myself out of it. I got into a professional choral ensemble. I applied to Cave Canem. We moved. I fell in love with our new house. We made a plan to go home to the sun after school lets out. I fought with my brothers and I broke down crying in the car and I ate real Mexican food and I apologized and made up with my brothers and I jumped in a cold pool and I worried about the future. On Christmas, I was Black for the first time. I had a panic attack about coming back. I had another panic attack about coming back. Anxiety sat like bile in my throat the entire time I was in the air. I came back and spent time with a really wonderful human, and I cleaned and reorganized everything, and I ate cookies, and now I feel like I can do this next six months, even though it’s so much bullshit. I realized that I need to make small changes this year that will give me ease in small ways. Lotion, swimming, sleeping, water. I graduate June 10. 

Resolutions:

Say no to things that distract me from my goals. 

Swim often. 

Learn to cook a few things!

Make some money. 

Fix my nails. 

Read one whole book for pleasure every month. 

Keep the apartment and garage clean. 

Do laundry on a schedule.

Do mornings on a schedule. 

Work more on apologizing. 

[midtownhighs]

distance

pairing: tom holland x reader

words: 1455  a/n: honestly just something super random i wrote a while back. might make your heart hurt a bit. also i know tom doesn’t play the piano but the thought gives me butterflies so we’re gonna pretend that he does. enjoy! - You watched Tom as his jaw moved in motion with the music, his lungs strengthening with every breath he took and every note that left his mouth. You could never get sick of sitting next to him on the piano, following his fingers with your eyes and letting the sweet raspy sound of his voice fill the room like smoke in a closed in car. 

Tom wasn’t a virtuoso, far from it really. It didn’t matter to you, though. The sound of his voice soothed you like no other sound could. 

It wasn’t long before his fingers halted and his stance hardened, no longer lost within the melody of the instrument. He found himself, he found reality, and you wished to yourself that he would wander off in the keys of the piano once again.

“How are you feeling,” he asked, glancing at you with insincerity. You nodded your head softly, hugging your over sized sweater tightly around your body. 

“Good, I’m getting back to work.“ 

He stood up and kissed your forehead, slinking back to his office to drown himself in scripts. You didn’t have the energy to tell him that you weren’t feeling better, that you wanted him to stay, to never stop playing for you, until his fingers were calloused and your cheeks were sore from smiling and you were both out of breath from belching out the melodies of songs that reminded you of each other. But you let him go, because it wasn’t worth fighting anymore. He was busy, you understood that. His entire life was chaotic, you knew that when entering the relationship. But you also knew it was up to both of you to put in an effort, to make the time apart and the heavy work load worth it. You couldn’t help but feel that spending time with you was a chore for Tom. You finally stood up from the bench and decided to excuse Tom’s disregard as stress, making your way back to your bedroom in hopes of getting some rest and kicking the migraine and period cramps that had plagued you for hours. You took a quick nap, tidied up your room (even though you knew Tom will just make it a mess again by tomorrow night), caught up on some assignments you had missed, then finally settled down in bed so you could call your mom and catch up on things back home. Not much time passed before Tom walked into the room, kicking his shoes off and unbuttoning his shirt. “God,” he said with a sigh, tossing his clothes aside and stalking to the bathroom tiredly. “Today really kicked my ass.” You quickly said goodbye to your mother and hung up the phone, resting your head on your hand and facing the direction of the bathroom. “How so?” “Yanno,” he said, his voice distorted due to the toothbrush in his mouth. “The usual shit.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” you said, toying with the bottom of your shirt. Within seconds, he emerged from the bathroom and laid down next to you. “I’m feeling better,” you spoke hopefully. "Good,” he said tiredly, looking at you. “Going back to work tomorrow?” You nodded in reply, not enjoying the small talk that consumed your conversation. You felt as if it’d been forever since you actually talked about things that mattered. “I missed you all day,” you said, scooting closer to Tom and resting your head on his chest. He wrapped his arm lazily around your waist and scoffed.    “We were both home all day. How could you have missed me?” You laughed sweetly at his obliviousness, placing a hand on his bare torso. His eyes followed your movements as you advanced on him, reaching up and connecting your lips with his, words no longer being exchanged. He whined softly against your lips as your hand roamed his torso under the comforter. He was warm, soft, and you wanted nothing but to feel his skin against your hands and thighs. You sat up, swinging one leg over him and straddling his waist. His lips disconnected from yours, an unreadable expression on his face. “You’re on your period,” he stated, squinting up at you. “I can still cater to you,” you said, leaning down and smirking. Your lips were ready to assault his neck before a deep sigh of discomfort left his lips. You sat up, cocking her head to the side, embarrassment suddenly seeping into your cheeks. “Y/N,” he said, evident in his tone that he didn’t want this. It wasn’t the first time he turned you down recently, so it didn’t surprise you. But it didn’t make you any less disappointed. “I had a really long day.” “It’s been so long..” you said, looking down at your hands. His own found your thighs, caressing them lightly, but his touch didn’t feel the same. Nothing did. Even when he kissed you goodbye every morning, or held you against his chest every night, it wasn’t the same anymore. “This weekend?” He said, staring up at you with hopeful eyes. “What are we, 40?” You retorted. “We plan sex now?” Tom sighed, glancing around the room, avoiding looking at the hurt expression on your face. He didn’t know what to say. “What’s up?” you said at his lack of reply. “What’s going on with you? Did I do something?” Tom’s eyes darted towards yours. “No.. no, you haven’t done anything, baby,” he said, shaking his head. Tom would be lying if he said he didn’t know what you were talking about. He doesn’t recall the last time you’ve done anything together, the last time you’ve had a heartfelt conversation or went on a date. And it wasn’t like you were both extremely busy. Tom’s schedule was demanding, but he was home every night and the opportunity was always there. “Things are different,” you stated, crawling off of his lap and sitting crossed-legged on the bed. “They are,” he agreed, bringing you to a stalemate. You sighed, getting up and walking to the bathroom to brush your teeth and wash your face. You weren’t planning on saying anything to Tom about how you had been feeling, and you weren’t exactly sure if you were glad that you did, but it gave you a small sliver of comfort knowing he’s acknowledged the recent flaw in your relationship. When you walked back out in the room, Tom was fast asleep, curled up in your comforter with his eyes closed. You stared for a moment, admiring how peaceful he looked. Part of you was mad that he was able to sleep so quickly and soundly, knowing that you were upset just minutes before. You were hoping that tonight’s conversation would have given Tom incentive to talk about things and figure out exactly what was going on. With a sigh, you crawled into bed and faced the other way. Despite being just an arms length away, the bed felt empty. You might as well be single, you thought to yourself. He hardly bothers with the relationship anymore anyways. You couldn’t help but think back to the time when Tom would bring you flowers randomly, or call you while he was filming just to say hi and that he missed you. Or when he wouldn’t tell you that he was coming home after weeks of not seeing each other, and knocking on the door, pretending to be the police or a lost delivery guy. Or spending your mutual days off cuddling up on the couch with junk food and binge watching a new TV show. Or trying out a new recipe that Tom found on pinterest, and making fun of the fact that he has a pinterst. One time, you were goofing around and you took it too far, flinging spaghetti sauce all over Tom’s face, resulting in a massive food fight. Your heart ached at the fun and romance that used to consume the both of you. There was never a dull moment with Tom, ever. Except now.

Your thoughts were interrupted by Tom’s arms wrapping around your waist. The sudden touch startled you, but you soon melted in his arms. You felt him kiss your shoulder softly, then your neck, making you shiver from the gentleness of his lips. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “things have been different, and it isn’t okay. I’m going to try harder.”

You didn’t say anything. You weren’t sure exactly what to say. It would take a lot more than words to make everything okay. You could only hope that he’d follow through with his promises. “I love you,” he said in response to your silence. “Don’t ever doubt that.” “I love you back,” you finally said. And the bed no longer felt empty. 

[the314anoman]

2018 sucked

it was probably the shittiest year of my life, and that’s not an easy title to claim. let’s recap:

it all started way back in early january, when our subway came under new ownership and we got a new manager, who had worked there for a shorter period than i had (yeah, i was part-time working during college, she was full-time, but w/e) and it all went downhill fast. our manager wasn’t bad, she just was just trying to deal with all the new regulations we were facing and the fact that we were Massively Understaffed™ for being located in a fucking mall. like, for contrast, our old managers let us get away with not turning the line coolers off at night if we were really busy, but under the new owners, we had to clean the legs of tables to get the salt of them. i decided to quit in march after having minors stay and help me close even though they were off the clock since they were required to punch out at 9:30 and still getting yelled at for staying too long and not making everything Perfect. it was so stressful trying to work both faster and harder, so i quit. then, college got out in april and i was looking for internships all over and applying everywhere, but i never got even so much as an interview request. so, june came and i just said “fuck it” and applied to other subways closer to home. ended up getting an interview the next day at a different subway, 2 miles from the old one. i got the job and starting working to find out the subway was also Massively Understaffed™ but the manager was more chill, so it seemed fine. turns out the reason the manager was chill is that he was high. like, all the time. this resulted in him having the memory of a goldfish. like, i specifically told him and his assistant manager that i couldn’t work one day and yet he still called asking where i was when i very plainly explained it twice. and he also scheduled a meeting on the day i request off for my niece’s baptism. at 8am. on a sunday. at the same time, i managed to get an interview at a local factory. it wasn’t really an internship nor in my field, but it was a job and it paid $12/hr so i was like, hell yeah, why not. i managed to get the job and started july 1st, which was great, buuuuuut... the job was super boring; it was pretty much doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again for 7.5 hours a day while ~~listening~~ being subjected to country music. BUT, we got 3 breaks a day and it was nice having a chill job. i came up with a lot of really good writing ideas for a novel that’s been a super long wip because my mind was mostly free during work since it was so repetitive. at this time, i’m still working at subway, mostly weekends and some 5-close shifts. i’m not getting a whole lot of sleep and so that probably explains what happens on july 25th, probably the single shittiest day of my life. i get into the factory and the normal manager is gone on vacation and one of my coworkers is taking over. she tells me that i’ve been missing the least important step in the process of making some parts that i’ve been doing for days now. so naturally, i mess it up a couple more times, but only when she’s watching, because ofc. this happens 3 times and the third time i kind of chuckle to myself because i’m literally only doing it when she’s watching. she takes this to mean i’m laughing at her and yells at me about how i think it’s a joke and blah blah blah, like that’s not what i meant at all but she won’t let me explain. THEN, i get out of work and i’m already on the verge of tears because i have a migraine from lack of sleep and i hate getting yelled at, and i see a text i got while at work (we’re not allowed phones on our person at all at the factory. national security stuff apparently) that my grandma is in the hospital and not going to make it. i just... lose it. i go home and just sit outside on a chair, cuddling my cat and gross sobbing for the first time i can recall. i’m supposed to work a 5-9 shift at subway tonight, but i am not in any state to work. i call them through tears saying i can’t work tonight, i’m visiting my grandma in the hospital in muskegon, an hour away. she’s unconscious when i get there. she dies an hour later, while me and my family are eating dinner downstairs in the basement where there’s no signal. eventually tomorrow comes. it’s now july 26th, which if you know me, is my birthday. my 21st birthday, in fact. you know how for most people, their 21st is the best day of your life? yeah, it was one of the worst for me. i still had to get up at 6am for the factory work, then run home, get changed, and work 5-9 at subway. the only bright spot were two helpful coworkers. one from the factory gave me a butterscotch shot, saying you should still try and enjoy your birthday and my subway coworker bought a hershey pie for me and gave me a hug and some helpful advice. (she had been through a similar experience with her mom passing, so she knew a lot about grief.) i took her advice on letting yourself be happy and decided to go to my friends’ meetup that weekend, which i had requested off from subway previously. it’s a while away, but this was planned a long time ago and i don’t get to see my college friends in the summer other than this, so i’m not missing this. but, when i’m almost there i get a call from subway insisting that i work this weekend to make up for missing my 4 hour shift yesterday. i’m furious because i missed it for legitimate reasons and i was already over 2 hours away and i was NOT driving back. (the reason they’re insisting is because they don’t want to pay my coworker overtime, despite the fact she’s living in a trailer park only off her subway income, too.) they say they might have to fire me and i’m like, sure, i have another job and i already put in my 2 weeks lol. so i go there and try to forget this whole week ever happened. the funeral is on monday, the factory gives me it off so i can attend. there’s lots of tears. lots and lots. my grandma touched a lot of people’s lives; she’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever known. she probably would have supported my sexuality if i ever told her, i regret not doing so earlier. i come back to my factory job on tuesday, and as if the universe is answering some unanswered “could things get any worse?” the hiring manager informs me i’m fired, as if it had to be july 31st, to add to the shithole that july 2018 was. this was a temp position to begin with, and i was leaving in a couple weeks anyway, but this is just another blow to an already grieving 21-year-old. i may have just lost both my jobs and my grandmother in the span of 7 days. i leave the factory and get in my car and just. scream. time passes. the pain of july slowly fades from a roaring inferno all over my body to a dull pulsing. good things start to happen again. i move into an apartment with 3 friends, get a job at the theatre after a lot of paperwork issues, i make the cut for an a capella group and find new friends, develop a crush on someone (something i haven’t really had since high school - but that’s a story for another time), and actually start getting my shit together. things are definitely looking up, despite the fact i had the worst month of life a couple months ago. ...and then comes december, as if it’s trying to challenge july to a battle for shittiest month ever. final exams are coming up, i spend a lot of the previous week leading up to exams rehearsing for performances (i had 4 performances in a week’s span), not much studying could be done. not that studying would help that much, as we would see, but w/e. i ended up forgetting my book with all the important formulas and relationships in it that are too complex to memorize, so i completely bombed that final, and therefore failed the whole class. i’m already having to take an extra semester, failing this class does NOT help. i barely stayed above a 3.0 gpa, a requirement for most internships. on the same day we got final grades back, my mom got a call saying my grandpa had died, only a week before christmas. my whole family went back up to do the whole funeral thing again. we are getting awfully familiar with this nursing home (my mom lost both her parents and an uncle in 5 months). finally, on new year’s eve i decide it’s either now or never to admit my feelings, so i ask my crush out. i get rejected, which is mostly what i expected, but it still knocks the wind out of me. so yeah, 2018 was super extra shitty for me. but at the same time, i feel like i’ve grown a lot as a person. i’ve made a bunch of new friends, gained a niece, learned a lot about pain, and done a lot of things i never thought i’d do. hell, i had the balls to ask a guy out, which was something that frightened me to my core. i went on a trip to dc and learned more about the injustices happening here, i went camping/hiking with friends, and went tubing behind a boat. so, i’m not gonna pretend it’s all bad.

[arabellaflynn]

I remember predicting when we moved into this place that I'd spend my bad days sitting in bed, staring out the window at Dorchester Bay. Right now I'm staring at where the bay would be, were it not for the intervening fog, but otherwise my guess seems to have been rather accurate. My left hip hurts. I'm not sure if it's something in the joint or in my lower back that's objecting, but it's doing so vociferously. It has the same peculiar electric quality as the moment you bash your funny bone, or bite down on tinfoil with a metal filling. It's not the dull throbbing red ache or the sharp stab of having actually injured myself; it's the pointless pain of a nerve that is holding a grudge over something, possibly something imaginary, and doesn't want to let go. It started before Arisia, but I had a show to do, so I ignored it until I noticed it was starting to make my gait go funny on stairs. Funny thing about neuropathic pain; even if it didn't begin with you actually injuring something, your body responds as if you had, by knotting the muscles around the sore spot in order to protect it. I wanted to put my foot sideways and tip my knee in so I could pull myself up stairs with my thigh rather than push from behind, even though that did nothing to change the way anything felt. Survival instincts are odd sometimes. In any case, walking cockeyed like that will eventually do real, tangible bad things to your knee. So I made myself locomote normally until I got home from work on Friday. I made sure I had nothing to do over the weekend. I think I had a peanut butter sandwich for dinner. And then for the next two and a half days, my meals consisted of tea and painkillers, because fuck me. Certain kinds of movement help, but shockingly enough, there is a limit to how much hula hooping I can do in one go. I don't know what it is, because I make myself stop at the end of the movie, but I assume this limit exists, especially when I'm getting most of my calories from instant Thai tea mix with "cream" (read: dried milk solids and non-dairy coffee creamer powder) and sugar (amazingly, real sugar). I've spent most of the rest of the time trying to pull my left knee over my right shoulder. Me being me, I am having an unreasonable amount of success at this, but can't get anything new to pop, so as soon as I let go it goes right back to hurting. People ask me, "How much does it hurt?" I don't know. More than 'ouchie' and less than 'I can't stand up'. The standard pain scale that runs from "happy face" to "crying frowny face" isn't very useful for chronic things. It's more good for acute pain of recent onset, where you can compare how much something hurts now to how much it didn't hurt before. If you were fine 48 hours ago and now you're doubled over and begging for a morphine smoothie, that's important diagnostic information. If it's hurt the same for a week and a half... maybe that's normal? Who knows? This is more useful. It ranks pain by how much it affects your ability to function, rather than how it 'feels'. This is something I can note intellectually even when my internal monologue is mainly reminders to smile at others, interspersed with a lot of free-floating, family-unfriendly words. I have a rule that says I am allowed to think whatever I want, as long as I behave like a civilized human being. I routinely do not notice how much something hurts until I realize that, while I've been physically negotiating the T like a normal member of the herd, I have been fantasizing about kidney-punching every. single. person. in front of me until the fucking crowd fucking moves fucking faster go just go what is the fucking matter with all of you JUST GO. According to that chart, I have learned how to compensate for up to about a 6.5. I don't know how seamless it is; I can't tell from inside, because it is an altered state of mind, and it's distracting when every other thought you have is ow fuck i want to go home. Probably if you knew me well you'd notice I wasn't the zippiest I've ever been, but for people who aren't accustomed to me and my big mouth, it would be undetectable. I hit 5 regularly, usually with musculoskeletal stuff that makes moving uncomfortable. I kept putting off a trip to the supermarket, because while walking down to the T stop would be moving and therefore better, exiting both the house and the station at the other end would involve stairs, and being on the train would mean sitting or standing still for a while, both of which made things much worse. I can do certain things up to about a 7, especially if nobody bugs me to take my hat or sunglasses off. (Those are usually either from migraines or eventually bring one on, so light is my mortal enemy.) I have to be given time to make a plan, and then allowed follow through on it without any interruptions or alterations. I don't have enough capacity to recalculate if something changes, or make any new decisions, however small. If you try to force me to do either of those things, I deadlock and fall apart. Being sick will also grind me down that far. I remember a time, years ago, when I had the honest-to-God flu, and a roommate who was trying to be nice asked me if I wanted her to leave the windows open or closed when she left for work. I hauled the blankets over my head and wailed at her not to make me responsible for the state of the windows. Around 8 is when I start bowing out of plans on the grounds that I am 'sick'. At that point I am not physically capable of giving a shit about consequences anymore, so I just send out cancellation messages and go to bed. You could set the house on fire around me and I'd just curl up tighter in bed and think 'huh. fire now. okay i guess'. A guy on reddit recently illustrated how depressed he'd been in the past with the story of how a guy with a gun jumped out at him one night and demanded his wallet, and he just said, "No." The mugger was very confused and eventually went away, but the point wasn't that he was stalwart or brave or fierce; it was just that was in such a state of shutdown that he had no feelings left one way or the other about being shot, and lacked the energy to be robbed properly. [I don't recall ever hitting 10, but I may have hit a 9 when I was five and broke my forearm. The part I do remember is that they kept giving me IM Demerol, and I kept telling them it wasn't doing anything. They finally topped me out and had to set the bone no matter what. I don't recall that specific chunk of the night, which is probably a thing my brain has done on purpose. I'm told I went dead white and nearly passed out. I definitely hit a 9 the time I cracked a molar and exposed a root, which was infected by the time I could afford to go to the dentist. It is the only time I have ever seriously considered banging my head against the floor until I passed out, because the initial bottle of Vicodin and the later bottle of Percocet did not work. I coped by sleeping as much as I could, titrating myself full of NSAIDs, and knocking back DXM until I was no longer aware of having teeth.] People also ask me why I keep doing stuff, if things hurt 'that much'. Firstly, define 'that much'. Nobody ever tells you when that is, or gives you any good criteria for deciding for yourself. If you're sitting down, it doesn't hurt 'that much' and you're a lazybones who should be working like everyone else. If you're still doing things, then it's your fault for not taking care of yourself by sitting down when it hurts 'that much'. I do it for the same reason I walked home last night festooned with four bags of groceries and two hula hoops, in sleet and wind gusts of up to 40mph: There isn't another option. I was at the T stop. I needed to be at home. So I walked. It was unpleasant. Lots of things are unpleasant. You learn very quickly that your feelings do not matter. The universe is a cold sociopathic kidnapper holding a gun to your head and telling you that you will do the thing or you don't get to survive. So you do the thing, and shut the fuck up about it before worse happens. If you're incapable of doing the thing, you might get mercy the first couple of times, but it's at the whim of your captor. Someday they're going to run out of whims. You trudge home in the sleet anyway, in case that that day isn't today. I hope that didn't sound inspirational. It wasn't meant to be. I am incredibly cranky right now, and that was meant to be an illustration of my current mood, and why I have given up and decided to just spend the day in bed crying. I do not do things while I am in pain because I am strong or courageous or whatever. Don't kid yourself. I do things under duress.  from Blogger http://ift.tt/2juazKg via IFTTT -------------------- Enjoy my writing? Consider becoming a Patron, subscribing via Kindle, or just toss a little something in my tip jar. Thanks!

[first-and-ten]

2017 Week 2 Recap

A happy week for the Broncos. I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed a single division looking as dominant as the AFC West so far. I did some catching up this week, predictions-wise, and things returned a bit to normal.

Teams that need Kaepernick: Bengals, Colts, Jaguars, Jets, Vikings, Bears, Giants, Cardinals, 49ers

Hot seats: Marvin Lewis, Chuck Pagano, Bill O’Brien, Todd Bowles, John Fox, Sean Payton, Ben McAdoo

Teams on Bye: None, like a NORMAL SEASON.

HOU 13 - 9 CIN [L] Game ball: DeShaun Watson Another Thursday snooze fest. This one got Cincy’s O-Coordinator fired, so that’s nice. The only play worth seeing was Watson’s scrambling touchdown. He was the only player to sniff the end zone in a game played on his birthday, en route to a win in his first start. That sounds pretty cool.

BUF 3 - 9 CAR [L] Game ball: Cam Newton I was SO CLOSE, folks! If Zay Jones pulls in that pass on the one yard line on fourth down in the waning moments, I would look super smart right now. Of course it would help if Tyrod Taylor hadn’t thrown it high. I personally like games with no TDs but I know a lot of people hate them. Carolina gets a pyrrhic victory as they lose Greg Olsen. They’re the least legit 2-0 team.

CHI 7 - 29 TB [W] Game ball: Mike Evans LOL, how’s that return to Tampa going, Mike Glennon? (Answer: he threw two interceptions and got his team into a hole they could never hope to climb out of, potentially putting a rush on his inevitable benching for Mitch “Call Me Mitchell” Trubisky.)

CLE 10 - 24 BAL [W] Game ball: Javorius Allen The Ravens have generated as many turnovers as they’ve allowed points this season. That’s... Fucking insane. The Browns sure got a scare when DeShone Kizer had to leave the game and [insert journeyman incompetent backup here] came in to throw the team’s only touchdown of the game. Kizer had migraines, which is not a great harbinger for Cleveland. Then Cory Coleman broke his hand (again), so yeah, still the Browns.

MIN 9 - 26 PIT [W] Game ball: Martavis Bryant This is exactly what I’ve been talking about in terms of people overreacting to the Steelers offense: they are taking turns carrying the load, not all exploding at once all the time.  The Vikings have got to feel crushed about Sam Bradford, because if he was playing in this game the way he played week 1, they could have won in Pittsburgh.

NE 36 - 20 NO [W] Game ball: Tom Brady Brady had his best first quarter ever somehow, and the Saints could never recover. It was already over. I think the Patriots knew that for the sake of team confidence, they needed to put it out of reach early. It was all too easy against the Saints defense.  Gronk injured his groin after scoring his 69th receiving touchdown. He probably said “nice” afterward. He’ll spend the next month and a half as “questionable” but still playing games and then suddenly be placed on IR.

ARI 16 - 13 IND OT [W] Game ball: Tyrann Mathieu I can’t believe the Cards almost gave this one up, and I can’t believe Jacob Brisket actually did. 

PHI 20 - 27 KC [W] Game ball: Travis Kelce The Eagles can feel good about this game, but they should worry about how terrible their run game is. Also how many drops they’re still seeing. They loaded up the offense and still all they have is Carson Wentz Favreing it out there. How about that weird sequence of events before the half, though? Also, Kareem Hunt is legit and I am grumpy about it.

TEN 37 - 16 JAX [W] Game ball: Derek Henry This is what I’m talking about: the game was close late, but the Titans kept punching and the Jags ran out of gas. As a Derrick Henry fantasy owner, please can we see more of this?

MIA 19 - 17 LAC [W] Game ball: Jay Cutler Jay Ajayi carried the Dolphins offense, but Cutler gets the game ball because all eyes were on him and he didn’t fall on his face. The Chargers should have had this one in hand but they let the Dolphins hang around. In the end, LA made choices that didn’t exactly help their young kicker, who ended up missing a long attempt as time ran out for the second straight week. Please do not blame Yunghoe Koo for either loss.  All four AFC West teams hosted games this weekend, yet only two of them played on actual football fields. Bizarre. The Chargers failed to fill all 12 seats in the soccer joint they currently inhabit, so that’s going well. Probably a pretty cool fan experience though.

NYJ 20 - 45 OAK [W] Game ball: Michael Crabtree New York once again sputters. The Raiders ran them ragged, with Marshawn Lynch having himself a day and then dancing about it on the sideline. Cordarelle Patterson had a 49-yard untouched rushing touchdown, so, yeah, the Jets are bad. And, again, can this division not have a real field?

DAL 17 - 42 DEN [L] Game ball: CJ Anderson There are so many people who could get this game ball, but I’m giving it to the guy who makes the biggest difference on the Broncos. Zeke Elliott was held to 0.9 yards per carry. Dak threw 33% of his career INTs in this game. Von Miller affected 24 passing plays. Trevor Siemian threw 4 touchdowns. The Broncos have started 2-0 for the 5th consecutive season. Aqib Talib passed Primetime for 4th all time in pick-returns on a 103-yarder. Talib, Harris, and Roby made a clown of Dez all game. This was beautiful, but take it for what it is: we managed to shut down the run, and everything came from there. We forced the Cowboys to be a one-dimensional passing team against the league’s best pass rush, throwing into the league’s best secondary, in one of the league’s toughest environments. We won’t always be able to get teams into this position. Trevor Siemian still threw some should-have-been-interceptions, and took some silly sacks. Brandon McManus would appear to be enjoying the fact that he is not longer the only one on the team able to score by losing his ability to reliably kick long field goals. Soak up one of the funnest games I’ve seen in a long time, and get ready to see how the Broncos deal with playing on the road against a good defense that’s not missing its top 3 DBs.

SF 9 - 12 SEA [W] Game ball: Chris Carson Another gross game for the Seahawks offense. But this is what the Seahawks do: they look like shit for a month and then waltz to 11-5. I wish they would stop, but here we are. Everyone saying the Seahawks backfield will be unpredictable and you should avoid them in Fantasy were SO RIGHT. Ugh.

WSH 27 - 20 LAR [L] Game ball: Chris Thompson I would give the game ball to the linebacker who picked off Jared Goff when he had a chance to go tie the game in the last two minutes, but honestly, Goff telegraphed that throw so bad that I could have made that move. Not a great game for either team, but honestly both should be encouraged by the results: Washington won on a cross-country trip against a top-notch defense, and the Rams played another competent game.

GB 23 - 34 ATL [L] Game ball: Devonta Freeman I knew long before the half that the Packers had dug too deep a hole. Injuries all over the o-line, defense, and to both Jordy Nelson and Randall Cobb all made this an uphill battle, but honestly the Packers were outmatched from the start. Yeah, it was ideal conditions for Atlanta, but they looked like their 2016 selves. Green Bay has found a running game but they still have deep issues. It’s gotta be worrisome that they still can’t get past the Falcons, if that’s still the case in January it won’t be fun.

DET 24 - 10 NYG [W] Game ball: Jamal Agnew Agnew’s punt return in the beginning of the fourth quarter put the game out of reach, but Giants ineptitude and an efficient offense that’s found some balance between Matt Stafford and Ameer Abdullah already had this one decided. 

Record this week: 11-5 Record this season: 18-13 Locks record: 6-1 (Survivors used: ATL, SEA) Upsets record: 3-6 2014 pace: 17-15 Pickwatch leader: 25-6 (Jack Jorgensen, Fansided)

NFL Title Belt: WSH (Won from LAR)

DSA candidates: KC, ATL, BAL, PIT, DET, OAK, CAR, MIA, TB, DEN

MMA candidates: NYG, CHI, CIN, CLE, IND, SF, NYG, LAC

The Room Where It Happens: N/A

Fallen Tributes: N/A

FANTASY CORNER

Danger Squirrels 149 - 123 Team Toomey [W, 1-1]

Thank goodness for Drew Brees garbage time points. Jordy and Greg Olsen both got injured, which is terrible, but my opponent left some serious points on the bench. I need to find a replacement for Olsen, remember to keep Ty Montgomery in my lineup, and keep an eye on Derrick Henry. Siemian the Finals 159.39 - 133.72 Wee Baby Victors [W, 2-0]

My deficiencies are starting to show. I’m worried about Jimmy Graham and Ted Ginn. Rawls needs to be replaced (I guess with Duke Johnson?) and I need to evaluate carefully the benefits of my QBs each week. My opponent was definitely AFK this week, starting two platers on IR, but when I’m up against real competition I could start losing when I miss my projections.