#but everyone else can get fucked by a cactus

[thanos-the-dad-titan]

I just found out I am NOT going to be able to play the Cyberpunk 2077 DLC because the are only focusing on "Next-gen" devices...

And in response, I am going to make this EVERYONES problem!!!!

I AM NOT BUYING ANOTHER GODDAMN CONSOLE AGAIN!! I JUST GOT MY XBOX A COUPLE YEARS AGO!!! FUUUUUUCK THIS BULLSHIT!!! AND FUCK YOU CDPROJEKT RED FOR MAKING ME CARE ABOUT A GAME.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

.....regular posts will continue momentarily after this brief outburst.

[amplexadversary]

I deserve the exclusive right to an ability to explode specific peoples' phones and computers with my mind.

Tag standardizing project reminded me of some absolute dogshit opinions I've seen pretty recently.

[midnight-soulless-system]

Hot take, but everyone should be taught the symptoms and signs of a stroke. This should be a mandatory lesson in school.

Anyone could have a stroke, at any time, including you, the person reading this! If you were having a stroke wouldn't you want someone to be able to quickly identify it and get you help before it got really bad? Brain damage is fucking serious, and yet it's the butt of so many jokes and ehat most people know about it is the "burnt toast smell" which can be caused by many things.

So, as someone who has forced my mother to let me do her annual stroke test assessment to make sure she still knoes the stroke signs and everything, here are some things you can do to try and determine if someone is having a stroke. (Yes I passed the test everytime I did it and my mother would watch it with me)

Has their face drooped? Ask them to smile wide and if one or both sides of their face are drooping, they may be having a stroke. Call 911 or whatever emergency services

After this, ask them if you can touch their arms and legs to see if they can feel it. If they do not say yes or some affirmative DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Consent isn't just for sex, and this person is most likely going through a very traumatic sscenario. If they say yes, have them close their eyes and tell you which body part and or side you are touching them on. Let the 911 operator know your findings, and if they say no move on to the next step.

Test their speech. Have them say "I want my mother/mama" Can they say "a cactus is prickly"? If their speech is slurred then this is a sign of a stroke. Tell the 911 operator how severe the slurring is.

Have them try to raise their arms and legs. Let the operator know if they can or cannot raise any of their limbs, or if they have any difficulty.

Finally, ask them what year it is, what day it is, who's the president, where they are, etc. If they answer any of these questions wrong (especially if it seems like a really random answer) let the operator know.

Hopefully this helps someone. And please, for the love of fuck, treat stroke patients and survivors and people with brain damage like normal fucking people. Don't baby them and shit, and treat then like how you'd treat anyone else.

[favcharacterpoll]

ROUND 5 MATCH 13: SCAR VS. SOUNDWAVE

Goodtimeswithscar from Third Life faces Soundwave from Transformers. Who do you like more?

Scar Propaganda:

"Swindling everyone is always great"

"The best time ever. Scitties. Jellie the cat. Mr Rizz himself. Ect."

"PLEASE THIRD LIFE SCAR IS JUST A LITTLE GUY JUST A LITTLE GUY WHO WANTS TO KEEP HIS SHIRT OFF AND CAUSE DEATH AND DESTRUCTION WITH HIS UNHINGED BESTIE AND HE LOVES WITH ALL HIS HEART HIS LLAMA NAMED PIZZA"

“scar is the server con man. he’s absolutely delightful. he’s got max charisma so he WILL sell you anything and everything. it will be useless but you will buy it anyway, sometime later this week he will also murder you. he tries to run a monopoly on sand whilst living in a giant desert. he sells “reputation points” to people under the promise that he won’t murder them if their scores are high enough (he’s lying), he will burn your precious tree down. he will turn and look to you with the sweetest voice and the most precious smile and declare that he’s going to murder everyone. and he will, you will too. and then he will let you beat him to death at the end of this brutal game. you won but at what cost? then you will jump to your death, because you cannot handle being the lone survivor.”

"VOTE SCAR OR ILL KILL YOU NOW in a chill and fun way tho"

"AWOOGA SCITTES"

"YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO THE GOOD TIMES"

"THAT FUCKING CACTUS CIRCLE"

"YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO THE GOOD TIMES"

"YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO THE GOOD TIMES"

"you are not immune to the good times"

"you are not immune to the good times"

Soundwave Propaganda:

"In like every show ever once he's not there/kidnapped/dead the entire Decepticon fucking faction goes to shambles. Ex: in transformers: Prime, (SPOILER!)

once he was "banished to the shadow realm" Megatron literally died and they lost the war 💀💀"

"Soundwave never loses in a poll"

"SOUNDWAVE MY BELOVED his back is so so sore from single-handedly holding up the Decepticon cause every vote for him is 1 more ibuprofen tablet given to him"

"Soundwave is the funniest fucking character in transformers because he's literally the straight man in every situation he's in with the decepticons, because all of them are absolutely incompetent at their job due to them being too focused on infighting. When Megatron died in FOC Soundwave was the one who literally put him back together and by extension, fucked everything over for everyone else because in this specific continuity Megatron just happened to be addicted to space meth.

However it can be so easy to see Soundwave as emotionless because of his straight-man role and his monotone speaking patterns, but Soundwave has plenty of emotions that he displays throughout the years, most notably being when he's dealing with the cassettes (aka his children), and can range from being soft-spoken with them, to full-out enabling their violent tendencies and letting them go ham at beating the shit out of teammates (shout out to that one g1 clip where Soundwave tries to hold back his kids for like a single second before saying "fuck it" and letting them go for the eyes).

Even outside of the cassettes though, he's very expressive in his own way. In fact, he's the KING of pettiness and sass when he wants to be. He literally plays his own supervillain music when walking the halls, he's not above insulting the other deceptions when their arguments are bullshit to him, even when faced with the destruction of the world he was like "nah" until he saw his boyfriend getting injured and went "REAL SHIT" (there's literally memes about this it's so funny). Speaking of friends, he actually has a lot of interesting dynamics with the people around him, especially when it comes to the decepticon high command. He's described as Megatron's most trusted advisor, he's somewhat amicable with Starscream (who's his own brand of frustration), and he and Shockwave even seem to get along pretty well (to the point they have a biologically fucked up tube son together?? It's been years since I've watched Siege but I swear that was what lead to Soundblaster), and did I mention he's gay? I'm pretty sure he and Cosmos are in a relationship together in the IDW comics or at least have a mutual attraction, it's cute.

Also speaking of IDW Soundwave: he likes elephants. They're his favourite animal and he loves them to the point where after he died in the comics, his kids specifically started targeting elephant poachers because they knew Soundwave would want that.

Have I mentioned he has a cat dad in the IDW comics. Like his dad is a literal robot cat that found him when he was having a sensory overload in the middle of the streets. Have these panels from when his dad died and he wasn't even there to see it! He just knew 💖

And have I mentioned he's met Fluttershy? Because he canonically met Fluttershy and let his cassettes play with her (while DELAYING HIS MISSION. THAT'S HUGE IN SOUNDWAVE LANGUAGE.)

There's also him being the reigning champion of best robot husband, but that's a whole other situation which is also really funny."

[eleanorblythe]

Romantic Homicide - Anton Chigurh x Original Female Character - One Shot

This is supplemental to my first three chapters and explores Anton and her before the events of Romantic Homicide.

This is what happened to Carson on November 28th 1979

Also on Ao3 with authors notes - here

Curiosity Killed The Colonel

November 28th 1979

There had been rumours. Albeit very hushed and tentative - mostly uttered by people who had an obvious death wish.

For everyone else, they were easily dismissed as last ditch pleas of desperate people. For what they said was too outlandish, too unfathomable to be true.

And yet, Carson Wells, couldn’t let it go. He knew he shouldn’t get involved, it was never going to end well, and seemed a lot of risk to take, just to confirm or deny a ridiculous rumour.

He was aware that the two had met. More than once. He was aware of their reputations. Who wasn’t?

But Anton was a psychopath.

And she was dead.

The idea that they were not only involved (in any way other than professionally), but married?!

Carson found that hard to believe.

And yet, here he was. Acting as a lookout as he tailed Anton - on one of his days off, evidently.

It was odd to see a man, such as Anton, do something as mundane as grocery shopping. He went to the bank, he picked up some dry cleaning and-

And bought some flowers.

That was strange. Anton holding a small bouquet of flowers was as out of place as a cactus in a snowstorm. Carson started to feel a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He started to clear the mess of wrappers and papers on his dashboard away, ready to get the hell out of the city, when a dull tapping hit against his window.

“Hello Carson,” a muffled voice came.

Wells slowly looked up and tentatively rolled the window down.

“Hey, Anton,” he hid the quake in his voice.

“What are you doing here?” Anton seemed quite relaxed holding flowers in one hand and his dry-cleaning slung over his shoulder with the other, but Carson could sense underneath his cool and easy going demeanour - he could strike at any moment.

“Short layover before heading off on next assignment, you know how it goes.”

“And why were you watching me?”

There was no getting around it.

“I didn’t want to disturb you,”

“Nobody sent you?”

“Like anyone would be stupid enough to put a hit out on you,” he disguised the fear in his voice with a chuckle.

Anton stared at him. Although he seemed to be staring through Carson. He must have known it was bullshit, but he didn’t seem worried.

“You’re not a very good liar, Carson. For someone in your position, that’s quite a defect.”

“My only defect here, is my own morbid curiosity.” Carson admitted.

Anton tilted his head to the side with a small smile of satisfaction.

“What curiosity?”

“Do you have any ideas about the rumours that have been passed around, about you?”

“I don’t concern myself with gossip, Carson.” He then leaned forward and in a significantly darker tone added. “And neither should you,”

Wells tried to swallow, but his throat was dry.

“It’s no harm Anton, no one’s asked me to seek out this information, I can just drive away, right now.”

Anton suddenly pulled back and opened the car door.

“You should come by the house, it’s been a while since we’ve caught up.”

Anton trying to sound friendly was almost more terrifying than having the man simply hunt you. Carson knew he didn’t have a choice, he reluctantly got out of the car, sneakily trying to grab his pistol shoved down the side of the seat before he heard Anton tut.

“No, Carson, I think not.”

Wells knew.

He was fucked.

He followed Anton, in silence. Rode in the passenger seat, in silence. Walked up the front yard path, in silence. He was forced to carry the grocery bags and balance the dry-cleaning Anton tossed to him as he retrieved his house keys and unlocked the door.

Carson couldn’t help but watch the front door close behind him, Anton twisting the lock in place.

But if this place was to be his tomb, at least it was well decorated. Wells was pleasantly surprised, he spotted a brand new television set and top of the range furniture. He couldn’t imagine Anton picking out swatches and arranging furniture.

Unless there was another.

Now Carson was really sweating bullets. He cursed himself at the deep chasm of shit he got himself involved in. He thought knowing the truth might give him some leverage, should he ever need it, but now he could only scold himself for being such a fool.

A fool with a death wish. Like all the others who crossed paths with Him and Her.

Then Carson had the recurring thought. She was dead. They all knew this, it was big enough news, Carson was half surprised it wasn’t shared in a hitman newsletter(!) She hadn’t been seen in nearly a year. True there was no body, but everyone just assumed the cartel disposed of it in some creative way (God help them) or she slipped away and died somewhere unknown. Buried in an unmarked grave.

Anton directed him to move the grocery bags to the kitchen. Equally as high end - Why did Anton need a fancy coffee machine? The man lived off of crappy diner food and lukewarm coffee from a chipped hostess pot.

“So Carson,” Anton started as he began putting the food away. “What are these salacious rumours you’ve been hearing?”

“Who said anything about it being salacious,”

“I have found, when it comes to me, people are very interested in who or what I care for, of that nature. I never understand why,”

“It’s because you’re unnatural,” Carson helplessly gestured to himself. “Us normal folk always want to solve the unsolvable,”

“What did you hear?” Anton’s eyes pinned him to the spot.

“There was whisperings that you…” Carson couldn’t even believe what he was saying, how childish it all sounded. “Got hitched.”

“Hitched?”

Anton knew what it meant. He just wanted the satisfaction of hearing Carson utter it, out loud.

“Got married, for Christ’s sake, Anton!”

Anton, damn him, was as still as a statue, completely unmoved by what was, to anyone else, a pretty shocking revelation.

“I see.” He said quietly. “Who told you this information?”

“Come on, Anton,”

“Names.”

In that moment, Carson had no trouble throwing those people under the bus. There were only three names, but he watched Anton nod his head at each name, making a mental note for later. Carson didn’t want to think about what came later.

“If it helps, most people don’t believe a word of it,”

“But you do.”

“I don’t.”

“If you didn’t you wouldn’t have come all this way to find out. To sate you ‘morbid curiosity’,”

Carson had no answer to that.

“And who am I married to?” Anton asked.

“Anton, please,” he practically begged.

At that moment a new voice made itself known behind him.

“Yes, I’d like to hear this, what are they calling me these days?” She had obviously been listening for some time and she held back a chortle, seeing Carson jump at the sound of her voice.

“Jesus,” Carson breathed. “You’re supposed to be dead,”

“Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,” she said bluntly. Anton gave a dry chuckle and came around the kitchen island to clap Carson around the shoulders.

“Let’s sit, shall we?” He looked over at his wife, then nodded towards the flowers resting on the counter. She gave a grateful smile and went about cutting and arranging them in a vase she took out from under the sink.

Carson was led into the living room and prompted to sit down on one of the plush sofas. At least he’d die comfortably.

She soon came into the room with her vase of beautifully arranged flowers (where did she learn how to do that?) and placed them on a table by the window before sitting on a nearby armchair. Carson noted she had triangulated her position with Anton to cover each other if things went south.

Not that Carson would even attempt to fight those two in any sort of encounter.

The silence was palpable, his eyes flitting between the two killers, both of whom were sitting, relaxed with small smiles gracing their faces.

“So how long have you two…?” Carson started awkwardly.

They both tilted their heads curiously. Carson looked and nodded down at her wedding band and impressive engagement ring on her left hand. Neither of them dignified Carson with an answer until he finished his sentence.

“…been married.” Carson finished in a defeated tone.

“Two months.” She answered admiring her own ring. “Are you here to drop off a wedding gift?”

“He came to see if it was true.” Anton answered before Carson could open his mouth.

“Oh. That’s a shame. I was hoping you’d brought a gravy boat or something.”

Anton’s eyebrows furrowed, slightly confused.

“Why would you want that?” He asked, with a quiet curiosity.

“Well, it’s not like we can register.” She then turned her attention to Carson. “Unless your presence here changes things?” She posed it as a question, but Carson knew it was a threat.

Have you already opened your big mouth and exposed us?

Anton smirked and leaned back in his seat, it had been a while since he’d seen her in action…

Lubricating his dry throat, Carson swallowed and went to say something when the chipper sound of a doorbell cut through the silence. He watched as the newlyweds quickly glanced at each other then stared, almost pointedly, back at Wells.

“You expecting company?” Carson asked.

“No.” They said in unison.

She stood up, suddenly, making Carson flinch and went to the front door. Anton kept his eyes locked on Carson.

She looked through the peep hole and suppressed a wry smile. She opened the door to greet her friendly, if overbearing, neighbour.

“Hey, sugar! I hope I’m not interrupting, I saw Anton’s car in the drive.”

“Hello Mrs Miller.”

“Oh, Ruby, please! I have something for the two of you.” As she looked down she could see Mrs Miller holding a plate wrapped in aluminium foil, and couldn’t hold back her genuine smile.

As if he could hear the quiet rustling of foil, Anton suddenly appeared behind her, patiently waiting to see what dish awaited them today.

“Oh Anton! There you are. I just wanted to drop this off as a thank you for your help last week.”

“This is not necessary, Ruby.” She futilely tried to argue.

“No, darlin’ I won’t hear it. Anton, talk some sense into your wife. She needs to eat. She’s far too skinny.” Ruby said reprovingly.

“I’ll do my best.” Anton said, barely containing his mirth. “But she is right, this is not necessary.”

“Are you crazy? After you both saved my life?!” Mrs Miller scoffed.

Mrs Miller was prone to extreme exaggeration.

In reality, Anton had been looking out of the window from the kitchen and saw Mrs Miller precariously carry overflowing bags of groceries up a slippery driveway. He had wondered why she bothered wearing heels in the rain. Soon enough he saw her roll over her ankle and plummet onto the concrete, hitting her head in the process.

Anton watched on with a medical eye. Definitely a concussion. He wouldn’t know if she had dislocated her ankle or just sprained it without closer examination.

He felt the hand of his wife close around his waist and squeeze affectionately before moving him out of the way so she could wash something in the sink.

“What’s Ruby doing laying on the ground?” She asked when she saw what was happening outside of the window.

“She fell.” Anton answered, kissing the top of her head.

“How long has she been there?”

“A couple of minutes. I think she’s unconscious.”

He heard her faint tsk and she went to the freezer to take out some ice cubes to put into an ice bag.

“What are you doing?” He asked as he saw her moving around the kitchen.

“Anton, we can’t leave our neighbour there.”

“We can’t?”

She fixed him with a stare. After a few moments, Anton uttered a quiet “alright.” and grabbed his medical bag from one of the cupboards.

It turned out to be a simple sprain and only a very mild concussion. Anton was almost disappointed the situation didn’t call for much more than ice and a comfortable chair. Anton checked Mrs Miller over and his wife put away the spilled groceries and changed the ice when it melted.

Hardly in the realm of ‘life-saving’.

And now Mrs Ruby Miller was here with more food. She had dropped food around The Chigurhs before. When they first moved in and when they had done relatively small and ‘neighbourly’ things in Mrs Miller’s eye.

She and Anton were too proud to admit that the food was heavenly and had once almost devolved into knife fight over who got the last slice of flan.

Looking at the tented plate Ruby was holding now, Anton hoped there wouldn’t be a repeat performance like the flan. She was stronger now and could probably win - if it was knives.

“Now, I have to admit I’ve never made this before. I did multiple tries before I got it right, but you’ll have to let me know what you think,” Ruby said excitedly pushing the plate towards them. Anton did reach, but his wife was quicker, holding it protectively close to her.

They both thanked Ruby, bordering on enthusiastically, and promised to let her know soon.

Carson, having overheard the entire exchange, was at a loss. At this point he was almost certain he had already been killed and what he was witnessing was just a bizarre version of purgatory (or hell - let’s face it).

She came back into the living room still cradling the plate, like it was a newborn, and placed it on the coffee table. She peeled away the foil to reveal a beautifully formed and decorated cake.

“Oh. Tres leches cake,” she admired before looking up at Anton. “She must think you’re Mexican, darling.”

Anton simply hummed noncommittally and sat back down.

“I hope you’re not expecting a slice.” Anton said. It took Carson a couple of seconds to realise Anton was addressing him.

“What? No. Of course not!”

“Correct answer, Carson. Keep answering like that and you might make it out of this alive.” She said jovially.

“I wasn’t aware that was an option.”

“Oh I’m sorry. Would you prefer that we kill you?” She said sucking some cream off of her thumb.

“What exactly do you want from me?” Carson answered, starting to get frustrated.

“Careful, Colonel,” she said darkly. “You found us. Remember?”

Carson seemed to remember himself and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“You know I wouldn’t…” Carson let his sentence trail off. He wanted to say he would never reveal their secret, that through all his foolishness in coming here today, he knew where he stood. He respected them both too much. He also wanted to live.

Oddly enough, he did feel a small amount of joy seeing the two psychos together.

He was a sentimental idiot.

Deep, deep, deep down.

“And what will you do for us?” She asked, gazing longingly at the cake, her eyes briefly flicked up to meet his. He was lucky he didn’t turn to stone. She obviously had an idea in mind.

“What would you like?” Carson asked, weary of the answer. He watched her smirk mischievously at Anton. Anton nodded once and looked to Carson.

When Anton spoke, Carson wished he was already dead.

“Oscar Brekker.”

“Are you out of your goddamn mind?!” Carson was aware he was about one decibel away from screeching.

“A gifted bounty hunter like you, it shouldn’t take you too long to track him down.” He couldn’t tell if she was being genuine or not.

“Even with the best equipment and intel in the world, it would be near impossible.”

“Nearly. But it’s possible.” Anton added.

After a series of starts Carson finally settled on; “But why?”

Wells saw her eyes drop down to her right side and Anton, following his wife’s gaze, clenched his jaw.

“He’s the last one left.” Anton said quietly.

The puzzle pieces clicked together. Oscar Brekker was the ‘Big Cheese’. He was everywhere and nowhere. The kingpin and the wraith. Powerful and anonymous. Carson should have known. Oscar Brekker only worked with the best, and anyone would concede that she was one of the best in the business. She was often on his payroll - she was on his payroll the day she died.

It also explained the rash of unexplained murders of high ranking gang members over the last year.

“Taking a man like Brekker down is not only impossible, but insane. He controls damn near half of the east coast. It would put our world into chaos.”

“You wouldn’t be taking him down. You’d be using your wonderful people skills and contacts to find him.” She said. “I’m sure we can take care of the rest.”

“There’s plenty of people ready to fill Brekker’s vacancy - I’m not worried about a civil war.” Anton added.

You wouldn’t be. Carson thought bitterly. Nothing mattered to Anton as long as he could have his bloody revenge. Her bloody revenge. For a moment, Carson put aside his panic and incredulity at being given such a task and really looked at them.

Behind her cool, sarcastic and deceptively frightening persona, Carson could see how much this mattered to her. And to Anton. In his own twisted way, Anton was the chivalrous sort.

“I’ll probably be dead before I get anywhere close to him,” Carson mumbled.

“Despite your many flaws, this is something you are actually good at, Carson.”

Backhanded praise from Anton Chigurh, was about as bizarre as it got.

“I can’t promise you anything.” Carson hedged.

She just simply grinned, even Anton managed to lift the corner of his lips, briefly.

……

It was a strange sensation, walking out of the mouth of hell and into a quiet, peaceful suburban neighbourhood. Birdsong, kids shouting and playing in the distance, sensible sedans driving at sensible speeds.

He shouldn’t have done (he’d risked enough today already), but Carson looked back at the house and through the living room window.

Anton was holding two plates and a knife gesturing down at the cake. They seemed to be in deep thought, figuring out how to divide it up. She picked up the cake and licked a long stripe across the top, cream spreading messily around her mouth and chin. Anton put the plates and knife down and advanced towards her. She quickly put the cake down, before Anton gathered her up in his arms. He paused for a moment before leaning down to kiss her senseless, cleaning up as much cream as he could. If Carson listened carefully, he could hear her peals of laughter and halfhearted cries for him to release her. Instead he tossed her over his shoulder and carried her out of the room.

Carson couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. But now he really needed to leave. The adrenaline didn’t hit him until he was out of the suburbs and stopped at a red light.

He had to pull over.

Several months later

She went to the mailbox and was surprised to see a parcel staring back at her.

God, she hoped it wasn’t a bomb.

She carefully brought it inside and put it on the kitchen counter. She spent a long time just looking and listening (just in case).

When she was, fairly certain it wasn’t a bomb she opened the box and read the note neatly placed on top of the tissue paper.

She was elated.

She felt hands wrap around her waist and a warmth against her back. Anton read the note over her shoulder then kissed her temple.

“Good work, Carson.”

The note said:

Happy hunting.

And below that, an address.

And underneath the tissue paper:

A gravy boat.

[theteasnake]

Silent Trio as incorrect quotes

I got all of these from this generator.

Amanda: Why do you let me win when we race up the stairs? You’re the faster one.

Danny: Erm... it’s nice see your smile when you win!

*later*

Amanda: They're probably just staring at my ass, aren't they.

Michael: Yeah, probably.

Danny: Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake.

Amanda: You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for Michael.

Danny, pointing their hot glue gun towards Amanda: You’re on thin fucking ice.

Michael: I dropped Danny.

Amanda: Michael, what the fuck.

Michael, gardening: Hey, can you bring me the hoe?

Danny: Yeah, sure.

*A few minutes later*

Danny: Here you go.

Michael:

Danny:

Amanda: Why am I here?

Danny: How do you tell someone that you wanna have sex with them in a polite way?

Michael: Excuse me Mx. Would you give me the honours of indulging in sexual activities with you?

Amanda: What the fuck is wrong with you two?

Danny: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Michael.

Amanda: You just said it again.

Michael:

Danny: I am not a role model.

Amanda: Michael, get that hidious thing out of the living room, would you?

Michael: Danny, Amanda wants you to get out of the house.

Danny, texting Michael: Michael! Help I'm being kidnapped!

Michael: Where are you?

Danny: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Michael: I'll call Amanda.

Amanda, answering their cell: Y'ello?

Michael: Where's Danny? They texted me that they were being kidnapped.

Amanda: Danny? Whaddya mean, they're right next to me-

Amanda:

Amanda: I'll call you back. *Hangs up*

Amanda: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Danny: WHO ARE YOU!?

Danny: *yawns*

Amanda: Yeah, being that pretty must be tiring.

Danny: Then you must be exhuasted.

Michael: Will you two shut up? Some of us are lonely.

Danny: Thank you all for coming.

Michael, wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.

Danny: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck Danny Task Force".

Amanda: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

Michael: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.

Danny:

Danny: I'm gonna tell them.

Amanda: Don't you dare.

Amanda: I like your top, Danny!

Michael: I have a name, you know.

Danny: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this.

*Amanda is comforting Michael*

Amanda: Stop crying because it’s over. Start smiling because Danny is someone else’s problem now.

Danny: sapnu puaS.

Michael: What??

Amanda: What language is that.

Danny: Turn your phone 180 degrees.

*Danny was removed from the groupchat*

Danny: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?

Amanda: What’s up your ass this morning!

Michael: *walks in* ...Hey.

Amanda: Hmm… nevermind.

Danny: WAIT NO!

Amanda: Yo dumbass, get over here.

Danny: Okay-

Michael: *gleefully runs past* I’m coming!

Danny, sadly: I thought... I was dumbass...

Michael: Hey, Amanda. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Amanda: To get to the other side?

Michael: You were supposed to say “I dunno, why?“

Amanda: Uh... fine. I don’t know. Why did it cross the road?

Michael: To get to the idiot’s house.

Amanda: ...Ok?

Danny: Hey, Amanda. Knock knock.

Amanda: No.

Danny: You were supposed to say “who’s there?”

Amanda: Fine... let’s get this over with. Who’s there?

Danny: The chicken.

Amanda:

Danny:

Michael:

Amanda: Listen here you little shits-

Danny: Look at the buns on that guy!

Michael: *lying on the floor, covered in hamburger buns*

Amanda: This is the comedy police! The joke's too funny!

Danny: I'm not going back to jail!

Michael: *lifting weights*

Danny: Wow… They’re so intense!

Amanda: I wonder what drives them.

Michael, internally: Oh I am going to be SO good at giving hugs.

Amanda, staring upwards: So, Danny broke up with me… haha…

Michael: Why are you looking up?

Amanda: I need to cry, but my foundation was 48 dollars!

Amanda: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world.

Michael: Thank you for your sacrifice, Danny.

Danny: Michael’s gonna kill me.

Amanda: No, they'll probably make me do it.

*The Squad using an Ouija board*

Amanda: Tell us… Is there a spirit in this house?

Spirit, through the board: YES.

Michael: Great! Rent is due on the first of the month.

Danny: Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out.

Spirit: WAIT, WHAT—

Michael: So… I’ve seen you’ve been spending a lot of time with Danny recently.

Amanda: No, Michael, it's not what it looks like, I swear.

Michael: Oh really? So no reason for me to be jealous?

Amanda: No! You’re the only one for me.

Michael: Is that so?

Amanda: I promise! Danny and I are just dating, okay? They’re my partner.

Michael: So there are no best-friends-feelings involved?

Amanda: You are still my one and only best friend! They’re just the love of my life, nothing more!

Michael: But I’m still the platonic love of your life, right?

Amanda: Of course bro!

Michael: Bro...

Danny: What the-

Amanda, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?

Michael: Danny's in the kitchen.

Amanda: Norwegia. Is. Not. A. COUNTRY!

Michael: Then where are Norwegian people from!?

Danny: NORWAY!!

Danny: We need to open this locked door. Michael, give me your credit card.

Michael: Here.

Danny, pocketing it: Thanks. Amanda, break down the door.

Amanda: I’ve never asked someone out. How do you even do it?

Danny: Oh, what I do is, I look them up and down and I say: “Hey… how you doin’?”

Michael, scoffing: Oh, please.

Danny, to Michael: Hey, how you doin’?

Michael:

Michael: *giggles and blushes*

Michael: What's worse than a heartbreak?

Amanda: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry.

Amanda: Who do we know that has handcuffs?

Michael: Well Danny and I-

Danny: *elbows Michael*

Michael: ...wouldn't know.

Danny: When I was married, you know what Michael often said to me?

Amanda: Please stop sleeping with other people?

Amanda: Danny just insisted Michael and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.

Amanda: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

Michael: So, how long have you and Amanda been together?

Danny: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Amanda and I are not together. No. No.

Michael: Really? Sixteen ‘nos’? Really?

Amanda, watching Michael and Danny from afar: Two Bros, Chillin in a hot tub. Five feet apart because they think they’re not gay, BUT THEY REALLY ARE-

Amanda: Danny and I got married!!

Michael: Don't share your personal problems with everyone.

Michael: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?

Amanda: Can't relate.

Danny: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

Danny: Michael, I’m afraid.

Michael: Just stay close to Amanda.

Danny: That's why I’m afraid.

Amanda: You are irrationally angry 365 days a year.

Danny: Well, that’s just your personal opinion, I don’t have anger issues. Do you guys think I have anger issues?

Michael: Well, I wouldn’t really call it an issue. An issue is something you can fix.

Danny: Pfft, you should meet Michael, they're such a tsundere.

Amanda: They... they just stabbed you.

Danny: So cute.

Danny: Sorry, who are you?

Michael: Oh, I’m Michael.

Danny: Oh yeah, I’ve heard about you from Amanda.

Danny: Are you their friend or something?

Michael: No.

Michael: I’m their therapist

Amanda: Did you take out Danny as I requested?

Michael: Danny has been taken out, yes.

Amanda: You have my grat-

Michael: It was a great restaurant.

Michael: We had a romantic candlelit dinner.

Michael: Danny proposed afterwards- we’re filing the wedding papers.

Amanda: What happened to Danny?

Michael: They died.

Amanda: They what?

Michael: They died, but they’re okay.

Amanda: …Can you please clarify?

Danny: Clarification is for the weak.

Amanda: Please pray for Danny.

Michael: What happened to them?

Amanda: Nothing, they’re just very stupid.

Amanda: Hey, what’s up?

Michael: The sky.

Amanda: No, I meant like, what are you doing?

Michael: Oh, Danny.

Danny: *highfives Michael* Nice!

Amanda: Hey, Danny, are you free on Friday? Like around eight?

Danny: Yeah.

Amanda: And you, Michael?

Michael: Umm... yes?

Amanda: Great! Because I'm not. You two go out without me. Enjoy your date!

Michael: Did they just-

Amanda: I'm gonna eat the chicken breasts!

Danny, snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack.

Michael, deadpanning at Danny: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you.

Amanda: I just had a long talk with Danny and Michael about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

Michael: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Amanda: Wasn’t Danny with you?

Danny: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

Amanda: WHO ATE MY BREAD?!

Amanda: I'M GOING TO FUCKING K-

Michael: I did?

Amanda: Kiss you and buy some more, you haven't been eating anything today Michael.

Amanda: *walks away*

Michael:

Michael: They're gone Danny.

Danny, coming out the closet with bread stuffed in their mouth: Twankh uh!

Danny: Amanda got into a fight.

Michael: That’s bad.

Michael:

Michael: Did they win?

Amanda: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.

Danny: Yup.

Michael: Maybe the generator is watching us.

Amanda: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?

Amanda: ...

Amanda: Wait—

Danny: We need a diversion. I say Amanda gets naked.

Michael: No.

Danny: I could get naked.

The squad: NO!!!

Amanda: H-how do you ask someone out?

Danny: Well, first-

Michael: Don't ask them, they asked me out in a McDonalds parking lot.

Amanda: ...And you said yes?

Danny: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Michael’*

Amanda: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’*

Amanda: *sucking on a popsicle*

Danny: Pfft, you practicing for when Michael gets here?

Amanda: *takes a huge ass bite out of the popsicle*

Danny: *Concern*

Danny: God, I love Amanda.

Michael: Yeah, you fucking better.

Amanda: What have you done with Michael?

Danny: Nothing. Why, do you think I should?

Michael: Why don't we just call it, "M.C. Donald's?"

Amanda: Because it just sounds like a stupid rapper's name.

Danny: It'd just be like- "Eyo, it's ya boy, M.C. Donald!"

Michael: What do people in relationships even do?

Danny: Care about someone with your whole heart and dedicate your life to making them happy.

Michael: Okay. Didn't ask.

Amanda: Asks question

Amanda: "Didn't ask"

Michael: Thanks for the play by play, Captain Fuck.

Amanda: You get turned back into a baby but you retain all your skills and memory, what do you do?

Danny: Eat a nickel.

Amanda: A reminder: You have retained all your skills and memories.

Michael: Eat a nickel.

Amanda: Ok.

Danny: I have locked Amanda in a cage designed by their own art. Oh, they have been well and truly hoist by their own petard.

Michael: Could you put it another way? I didn’t understand a word of that.

Danny: I’m blackmailing them.

Michael: Oh, happy days.

Michael: *heading out to see Amanda*

Danny: Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!

Michael: I think I crossed that line when I got a date.

Michael: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?

Amanda: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"?

Danny: Ya know... it might be.

Michael: So, what’s Danny's type?

Amanda: Brown eyes, kind, oblivious, good sense of humor, turtle lover.

Michael: Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.

Amanda: Did I mention oblivious?

Michael: Yeah, why?

Amanda: Okay, just making sure.

These are ones weren't from the generator.

Amanda: why does all our food keep blowing up?

Danny: :3

Amanda: Danny. Why does our food contain explosives?

Danny: :333

Amanda: Why were you given explosives in the first place?!

Danny: :3333333

Amanda: sup, Daniel

Danny: the fuck did you just call me?

Amanda: Daniel?

Danny: :0

Danny: oh how dare >:0

Amanda: what? Isn't Danny a nickname for Daniel?

Danny: no??? Who the fuck names their kid Daniel?

Amanda: who the fuck names their kid Danny?

Danny: my dad, apparently

Michael: do you wanna know how I actually hurt my ankle?

Danny: yes

Michael: I was hula hooping on the roof in Haddonfield

Danny: why are you telling me this?

Michael: because no one will ever believe you

Danny: you sick son of a bitch

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Black Heart Part 7

Regulus Black AU

Request: Will you write a Regulus x Reader fic where Regulus is older than the reader? She comes to help the Order and Regulus falls in love with her. The relationship isn’t easy because of the war and Regulus’ denial that he would be a good boyfriend.

Summary: Admitting that he was in love had never been something that Regulus wanted to do. Now that you were in his life, Regulus didn’t know how to react. Should he love you or push you away just like he had everyone else?

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader  

Link to Part 6

Rating: M

_____

“I’m aware. I am here to talk to you about your death eater of a brother. I want him to keep his filthy hands off of Y/n before we have to either bury her or make a blooper reel of her life. You need to tell that asshole to watch his back.”

Sirius blinked several times as if trying to decide if this conversation was actually happening. After determining Dr. Sexy was actually standing on his doorstep threatening Regulus, Sirius poked his head out of the front door and looked around. He, for a moment, thought that Regulus was screwing with him in some weird way. Was there some joke that Sirius wasn’t in on? When he didn’t see Regulus in the hallway, Sirius turned back to Nicolas.

“Okay, now that I know I am not being bamboozled somehow, I’m going to say this...mate stop. For your own good and the good of everyone involved stop. Fucking with Regulus is about the first level of stupid. He isn’t one to be fucking around with.

Nicolas was shivering in anger. He was mad! Mad wasn’t putting his feelings with enough emotion. Nicolas had spent ages trying to get you to like him. There had been so much dedication on Nicolas’ side then in swoops some older rich bastard that looked younger than Nicolas himself.

“I am knocking the shit out of your boney brother when I get a hold of him. I love Y/n and he won’t mess this up!”

Sirius couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. It took Sirius a few moments before he was able to get ahold of himself.

“What’s funny?”

Nicolas snapped as Sirius rubbed a hand over his face. Sirius wiped a few tears from his eyes before laughing again. When he calmed down, Sirius sighed.

“Oh, nothing. I’m just laughing at my life.”

Nicolas put his hand on his hips as Sirius moved to speak again.

“Mate, she’s having his baby..two of them…if you didn’t know. Y/n is in love with him. Accept it…embrace it…look if you are dumb enough to fight my brother…he may be skinny but Regulus fights dirty. He’s going to win. Unfortunately, because you're threatening my little brother you are also threatening me. Keep it up and I’ll sit on your head while Regulus jumps up and down on you. You’ll also be pissing Remus Lupin off because he’s pals with Y/n so he will be beating on you too. If you insist on starting something…may the odds be in your favor”

Sirius promptly shuts the door in Nicolas’ face before going back to his tv show.

“Dude’s a mother fucking idiot. I would rather hug a cactus than tangle with Regulus…especially when it comes to the first girl that he’s ever been mental over. Nope. No way”

(meanwhile)

Regulus woke up alone when the sunlight began to stream down into his eyes. Frowning, he sat up and looked around the now-destroyed bedroom. The sheets had been ripped off of the bed during the previous night's activities.

“Y/n, love, where did you go?”

Regulus called out as he looked at the mess of feathers there were all over the bedroom floor. How a pillow was totally destroyed was beyond him. Regulus made a mental note to call for Kreacher to come to help him tidy up. He was thankful that Kreacher wouldn’t ask any questions about what happened. The elf would just nod and start cleaning up.

Your voice pulled Regulus from his thoughts.

“Bathroom, can you come here a moment?”

Regulus turned and walked into the bathroom where you stood looking at your reflection.

“Is something wrong?”

He asked tentatively. Regulus hated admitting it but he was afraid when things were going well. Things typically didn’t “go well” for him. When they did go well for too long hell fire typically ruined everything.

You turned to face him with a smile. Regulus’ eyes fell down your body and stopped at your stomach.

“I woke up this morning and look.”

Regulus’ eyes widened. You were right! It seemed like you started showing overnight.

“I totally did not expect that.”

Regulus commented as you moved to wrap your arms around him.

“Wait a minute.”

Regulus murmured as he dropped his hand to run over your stomach. You were relieved when he smiled. Knowing that was a genuine Regulus Black smile made your heart happy. Even though Regulus had promised that he was happy about the babies…that little smile always made you feel even better.

“You look beautiful.”

Regulus said, pulling you a little more tightly against him. Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead against yours.

I’m happy.

Regulus liked that thought. He needed to relax. He was happy and you were happy with him.

I have never had that happen before.

It was a true thought, no matter how sad it was. Regulus never kept a girl around longer than a few weeks. When things usually went down in flames, it was usually due to his not willing to open up. With you, Regulus was going to try his best to open up…no matter how uncomfortable it made him. You were worth the uncomfortable feelings.

The last thing that Regulus wanted was for you to tire of him and leave. He couldn’t process the thought of you ending up with someone like Nicolas. Regulus was not about to let that younger man be the one that raised his children.

They’re my kids and I’ll be the one that raises them.

Regulus internally nodded at the thought. He hadn’t told you, and maybe he would at some point, but when he was young (before the dark thoughts and feelings started) Regulus had wanted a family of his own. A family that could be happy…not whatever the Blacks were.

“Do you mean that? What about if I gain a lot of weight and get bigger than a house?”

Your voice pulled Regulus from his thoughts. He chuckled before taking your hand and bringing it to his lip.

“You worry about such silly things. I can barely keep my hands off of you. You’ll be beautiful no matter what. I really am concerned about telling these children apart. Did I tell you Sirius’ comment?”

You shook your head, knowing whatever Regulus was about to say would be amusing.

“No, should I be worried?”

Regulus shook his head.

“He said that he wouldn’t even bother learning which child was which. He is simply going to sit back and let the children tell them who they are.”

A small smile played on your lips before speaking.

“A lot of twins tend to switch names with their sibling.”

Regulus suddenly looked petrified. You couldn’t help it as you giggled

“You’re worrying too much, Reggie. You’ll be able to tell them apart. As far as Sirius is concerned, let the twins have their fun. You know, we haven’t really spoken about it…what do you want the babies to be? Girls? Boys? Does it matter?”

“As long as the three of you are healthy that’s all that matters to me. I have a feeling if the babies are girls I will understand why my uncle Cygnus was so damned crazy. Someone could look at his daughters funny and he was ready to take them out. Anyhow, now that my anxiety is through the roof, how about we get out of the house for a while…maybe go down to the beach?”

You eagerly nodded before turning to go find a clean dress to put on.

“That sounds lovely. I’ll get changed.”

Regulus turned and walked back into the bedroom scratching his head. He was in deep thought again over the babies. If they were girls would he be able to handle it? Of course, the answer would be yes. Regulus had a feeling that he would suddenly develop the urge to murder whatever punk teenager showed up at his door in the future. Regulus suddenly thought about what a dick he was.

It's a good thing that her father is missing in action. If he wasn’t, I would call him and apologize for ever having sex with his daughter.

Regulus thought as he buttoned up his shirt.

“Master Regulus?”

Regulus turned around to see Kreacher in the door. He was relieved to see the elf.

“Kreacher, I was about to call for you…”

Kreacher nodded.

“Kreacher had a feeling that Master Regulus and Mistress Y/n would need Kreacher. Besides, Master Sirius is at the house and Kreacher did not have the patience for that.”

Kreacher looked around the bedroom and looked suddenly shocked. There were feathers all over the bedroom floor, blankets thrown everywhere, and your knickers hanging from the chandelier. Kreacher blinked a few times before turning to Regulus.

“Is all well here?”

Regulus’ cheeks turned a pale pink as he met Kreacher’s eyes. Had it been anyone but Kreacher, Regulus would have been absolutely mortified. Kreacher, house elf or not, was the one being that Regulus felt understood him. He also knew that Kreacher cared about you (even if he complained about your wrecking his kitchen and organization system).

“Uh..yeah. I think we may have gotten carried away.”

Kreacher nodded before speaking.

“Kreacher will fix the pillows and clean.”

Kreacher wasn’t about to complain. He was thrilled to see Regulus happy, for once. Kreacher was also happy to see the family that he cared about continuing. If Walburga had been alive, Kreacher was positive that she would have been happy too.

You stepped out of the bathroom in a pale pink sundress. Regulus’ eyes immediately went to your stomach, yet again. There was definitely no denying it. You were pregnant…you were pregnant and Regulus was happy.

Kreacher gave you his usually squashy frown.

“Kreacher it's nice to see you.”

You said pleasantly. Kreacher gave you a nod. The last thing that he wanted was to upset you again. After making an offensive comment that made you cry, Kreacher was scared to do it again. Even after you assured him that it was just hormones the last thing that Kreacher wanted was to upset Regulus for making you cry.

“It's nice to see Mistress Y/n too.”

Regulus meanwhile had reached for your hand.

“We’ll be back later.”

Twenty minutes later you stood on the beach watching the waves crash onto the sand in front of you. You were enjoying the fresh air and quiet peacefulness that surrounded you. There was no hospital, no dying patients, no screaming, panicking, or general distress that filled your typical day. It was just peaceful nature sounds.

You turned your attention to Regulus. He had rolled the bottoms of his pants up and was wondering around where the water met the beach. You couldn’t help but smile looking at him. For this brief moment, Regulus wasn’t the man that had so much thrown onto his shoulders. He wasn’t the boy that became a death eater at 16. He wasn’t Regulus Arcturus Black, heir of the Black family…the blood traitor (that he would be in his family’s eyes)...the high-ranking official at the Ministry of Magic…he was just Regulus.

Just Regulus…the man that you loved with your whole heart.

You watched with a small smile on your face as the wind blew through his now messy curls.

“I see why you like it here.”

You commented as you moved to join him. Regulus wrapped an arm around you before leaning down for another kiss.

“There isn’t any noise…no expectations.”

Regulus replied. While he knew his place with The Order was important, Regulus, if even for a brief moment, considered not going back. It was a silly thought but he loved entertaining the idea of the two of you remaining here, in this moment, forever. The two of you could raise your kids away from the crazy.

It won’t last forever…the crazy will come here eventually if the dark lord isn’t taken care of.

The thought was unwelcome in Regulus’ mind. For once, he didn’t want to think with his logical brain. He was enjoying this peaceful happy side a little too much.

Looking down at your face, Regulus realized that you were feeling the same way. You didn’t have your “doctor poker face” on. Instead, you looked like that young woman that you were. You weren’t some child prodigy that grew up to be a young doctor. You were just Y/n.

Now is a perfect time…

Regulus watched your face for a moment longer before pushing some of his hair away from his eyes.

“Remus and Tonks are getting married. Do you think they are crazy?”

You shook your head.

“No, I don’t. With this war, none of us know how long we have. Tomorrow isn’t promised. They’ll be happy.”

Regulus let his hand drop into his pocket. His grandmother’s engagement ring suddenly felt very heavy. The ring had been willed to him to give to his future bride. Granted, Regulus never thought that he would actually use it.

He had been keeping the decision to propose to himself but he had been considering proposing for some time. A lot of his reasoning was the pregnancy. The last thing that Regulus wanted was for anyone to run their mouth about HIS kids…but that wasn’t it. Regulus wanted you to be his and his only.

“What about us?”

Regulus asked softly. You instantly smiled.

“Darling, we’re happy. I am very happy. I love you.”

Regulus took a deep breath before taking the ring out of his pocket and slipping it onto your finger.

“Would you love me enough to marry me?”

Your eyes widened and your mouth dropped. Looking down at the emerald and diamond engagement ring, you could barely form a sentence for a moment.

“Is this an engagement ring? Are you…”

Regulus nodded, his eyes suddenly taking on that “sweet lost boy” expression that typically got him anything that he wanted.

“Yes, will you marry me? It isn’t just because of the babies…I don’t want people bad-mouthing any of you. It's also because you are the only one that I would even entertain the idea of such a thing with.”

Regulus suddenly wondered if he was crazy. He was proposing to a girl that was younger than him…and not dating long. Would you think that he was nuts? What if you did? What if you said…

“Yes, I’ll marry you.”

Regulus’ internal panic stopped when you said those four sweet words. He stood staring at you a moment before pulling you into a kiss. You stood on your tiptoes and tangled your hands in Regulus’ hair as he deepened the kiss.

Were the two of you crazy for moving toward marriage so fast? Maybe. Did you care? No. At the moment the two of you had everything that you both needed. For once, both Regulus and yourself had someone who loved you despite all of your flaws and insecurities…that was enough.

The two of you were so lost in the moment that neither of you noticed none other than Peter Pettigrew, in rat form, watching with a cold sneer. So Regulus Black was making himself a happy little life after deflecting…fascinating…

With a squeak, Peter disappeared down the street with some happy news for his master…

_____

@amelie-black @jessyballet @knreidy1 @georgeweasleydumbhoe @acciosiriusblack @siriuslyceleste @mimisparkle12 @teletubiswszpilkach @ell0ra-br3kk3r @livshifts @darkenwolfie @stelleduarte @starsval @millies0bsimp @coffeeaddictednymph @readtomeregulus @daddyslittlevillain @rogue-nyx88 @panpride @saramaple @missgorldafirst @fluffy-kittens @s-we-e-t-t-ea @i-love-scott-mccall @buttercup-beeee @taylor-will-be-the-death-of-me @gugggu6gvai @jag9000 @quinis @yousmellllikecaca @mentally-unstable-hoe @haroldpotterson @padf00ts-l0ver @goldensunshineshit @aurorasnape12 @ad-astra-again @rubyroscoe1 @spideyxalmighty @lucasfilms77 @marichromatic @dumybitch @lostarc24 @play-morezeppelin @ravenhood2792 @un-lovesherself @melaninnbarbie @criminalyetminimal @brokencasbutt67-writer @authoressskr @moldy-old-boot @hankypranky @summer-novak @shaylybaby2032 @emiwrites3reads @knight-of-gleefulness @sprnaturallover @wontlookaway @sprnaturallover @deanwherescas @untoldshortsofthefandoms @shitfaceddaniel-blog @li0nh34rt @tas898 @mycuddlycorner

[void-botanist]

Character Cuddle Scale: AOM

I got tagged four separate times for this game so this is part one, for @vacantgodling's tag. I also decided not to stop myself and pretty much included everybody lmao.

Rules: Rate your OCs based on how they handle cuddling/being cuddled.

Based on a scale of 0 (cuddly as a cactus) to 10 (could be paid to cuddle professionally):

Sid: 5/10. He doesn't seek out cuddles from most people (the main exception is Devon but that's complicated) but he will generally accept cuddles when they're offered. However if it's his mom offering them (his dad never does), 1/10, please make it stop.

Avis: 4/10. She cuddles Sorian (or used to) and Antony and that's it. She would cuddle Sid if it felt necessary (read: he is having an extra bad time), and she will touch him casually, but in general she's a "you stay over there and I'll stay over here" kind of person. She used to be more touchy with Phil, but now things are weird with her (Phil disagrees), and she eventually gets to that level of trust with Leon and Edith but they can keep their pervert cuddles to themselves.

Sorian: 7/10. He's a good, if clingy, cuddler, but until he knows where things stand, he won't be forward about it. He'll wait until the other person cuddles him and then take that as a general invitation. He misses cuddling Avis a lot. In AOM he would rather die than say this to her face. Post-divorce he becomes very attached to cuddling Leon and Edith. However he has never been able to deal with Horatio cuddling him. He instantly goes into stiff awkward mode because what is he supposed to do??? This is why Horatio stopped cuddling him almost immediately.

Horatio: 10/10. Cuddling is his favorite thing, aside from all his other favorite things. He has no qualms about asking to cuddle anyone he considers a friend (though he thinks Graham might be too cool for that. maybe). For him it's an important part of friendship, and while he will absolutely respect it if someone declines his cuddles he does die a little inside. He can often be found with someone else cozy in his lap. You could probably convince him to cuddle professionally, but, like, he has a job already, and that job is plants.

Emma: 3/10. She does not accept cuddles from anyone except Donovan and Sid, and Sid has not wanted to cuddle her since he was a small child. She's not terrible at cuddling itself but she will talk the entire time regardless of whether you respond, and will only talk about what she wants to talk about.

Donovan: For literally everyone except Emma he is a 0/10. For her, he's like a 6/10. He will commit to the bit and he's pleasantly warm but from Emma's perspective he loses points for having the conversational skills of a brick wall.

Leon: 6/10. He's a casually touchy person, but not a cuddly one in general. However if he does not get cuddled regularly he will shrivel up and die. He loses points for not being very flexible about accepting cuddles (all his swinging partners are great but to be honest he'd rather be cuddling his wife. or Sorian) and also for being bony.

Edith: 8/10. She has none of Leon's pickiness and she will cuddle whoever wants to. The warmer they are, the better. But she does struggle with not accidentally stabbing people with her horns.

Celia: 5/10. She's very warm and soft because she's fat, but a little bit inconvenient to cuddle with because of her various face spikes. She also is unlikely to cuddle you unless she's fucking you, either recently or just in general (exceptions are made for Horatio and her ferasca cousins). If someone is outside of those two categories of "fucking" or "family member" she honestly just thinks they're probably weird about ferasca.

Allison: 4/10. He's also soft due to being fat, and he's tall enough that he can wrap around most people, and he's mostly a sweetheart, but he is also kind of prickly and anxious when it comes to touching. If you're Celia, you get 10/10 cuddles. If you're anyone else…eh.

Marcus: 4/10. It's complicated, though, because he is both aloof (doesn't want to get close to people emotionally) and kinda touch-starved. He really wants to go home…among his spouses he's more a 7/10, kind of stiff and anxious internally but trying hard to be comforting and cozy. Because Horatio is Horatio he gets the 7/10 treatment, though it's really more him that's doing the comforting than Marcus.

Colin: 4/10. He's kinda weird about touching people in general. Most of his cuddling happens with whoever he's dating (eventually he will cuddle them whenever) or whoever he's hooking up with (he will cuddle them after the fact like his life depends on it).

Palmyra: 8/10. She doesn't cuddle that much, but when she does, she puts her all into it. You WILL feel cozy and loved and accepted. There's no way out of this.

Antony: 9/10. He'll let anyone cuddle with his fat cozy self, because it's fun and because he loves that feeling of being trusted. Really his only downside is that he gets bored of it and restless after a while.

I'll tag @sarahlizziewrites, @kahvilahuhut, and @kk7-rbs plus anyone else who wants to join in!

[wuffgang-ameowdeus-moozart]

Steve Harrington's babies from favorite to least favorite in no particular order because he loves all his kids equally

based on this

(image limit is a bitch so pics of the bonsai trees will be in the reblog </3)

1. Non-Concussed Steve (Petunia)

(it was a present after all it is only polite to get misty-eyed every time he looks at her)

2. Rose Nylund (apple tree Bonsai)

(what can he say, it was love at first sight)

3. Dorothy Zbornak (Scarlet Begonia Bonsai)

(tiny tree AND pretty flowers?! Do you even need to ask at this point)

4. Blanche Devereaux (azalea bonsai)

(Don't tell Blanche but he just finds Dorothy's colors a bit prettier)

5. Sophia Petrillo (juniper bonsai)

(he loves the way the trunk twists and turns)

6. The Golden Girl (maple tree bonsai)

(Her full name is actually the golden girls intro song but when other people are around he only calls her gold)

7. Tall Lucas (Dracaena Fragrans)

(the one that opened his eyes to the possibility of trees in small)

8. Mike Junior (Swiss Cheese Plant)

(it was his first adopted plant it has a special place in his heart)

9. Eddie Blink Blink Asshole (Gerbera Daisy)

(He just finds the flower pretty okay?! Everyone else only knows this beauty as Eddie only, and Steve is taking the full name to his grave)

10. Supergirl (String of Pearls)

(Admittedly he always puts this one a bit further up because he feels bad that he only associated it with El because of her nosebleeds. And Supergirl is also super good at hanging.)

11. Red Cactusfield (Cactus)

(She would be higher if she didn't keep pricking his finger like a fucking asshole. She also falls a bit into the background because she isn't as needy as some others) (he is talking about the bonsais)

12. Will The Strong (arundinaria appalachiana)

(the shame he feels every time he looks at the plant he got because he thought it looked "exotic" only to find out that it is native will never completely leave him)

13. Henderson Hard-Head (Succulent)

(his foot is still sore from when this fucker fell on it)

[stardewsnail]

Not the same anon, but those jealousy hcs were so good! Do you think you could write some for the bachelorettes? 👀 Please and thank you! 🖤

Snail’s directory 🖤Jealous Bachelorettes 🖤

🖤 Emily 

Emily tries to be connected to her emotions. She acknowledges the jealousy, meditates, maybe talks to Caroline for advice. She’s working through it consciously, letting herself feel before letting it go…

Except she can’t let it go.

Because every time she closes her eyes and tries to concentrate on her breathing, all she can see is the farmer’s red-stained face as they offered Leah a basket of wild spring onions. 

She will go around and around the jealousy trying to work it into something more productive

Eventually she’s just going to talk to the farmer, albeit indirectly

Might get Haley to help her gather intel on who the farmer has a crush on–Haley isn’t a gossip, but she is nosy. 

Over all Emily tries to handle it maturely, but she’s crushing hard and it’s making her act a little goofy

This will end with Emily shooting her shot and just confessing

🖤 Haley

Haley doesn’t get jealous. That would be totally beneath her—girls like her have no reason to ever be jealous.

So when the farmer came bouncing in front of her house she was certain there was about to be a knock at her door. But no, the farmer stopped in front of Skater boy, a cactus fruit held triumphantly in their hands. Sam lit up, of course, taking the gift and inviting the farmer in. She turned, storming back to her bedroom and slamming the door with more force than probably necessary. She had film to process anyway–she was much too busty to waste time on the farmer.

she’s absolutely seething and doesn’t know what to do about it

She’s never liked someone so much that she was actually jealous, this was a new feeling

If Haley and the farmer aren’t together then Haley is gonna end up regressing into a bit of a mean girl again. She might even snap at the person “stealing” her farmer (poor Sam doesn’t know what the fuck he did and he’s already a lil scared of Haley) 

If they’re together, then Haley isn’t nearly as mean but she gets pouty and extra needy but like…she just passive aggressively sits on the other side of the couch until the farmer notices and slides over to give her some love

Catch the farmer getting her something special from the mines the next day and taking care to spend a little extra time with her

🖤 Leah

Leah channels all her jealousy into her art. She knows she’s jealous—she’s passionate and she likes that about herself. Jealousy is just another emotion that needs to be felt and processed. She really doesn’t bring it up with the farmer unless they’re actually together in which case it would be a conversation along the lines of Leah saying 

“Hey I wanted to talk to you about something—I’m feeling insecure about x and I just wanna check in”

I think she’s one of the older bachelorettes and she’s had enough crappy relationships and post relationship therapy (she’s a big advocate that everyone needs therapy) to handle it directly and maturely. It will be fine as long as her partner can match her calm energy. And also I think Leah would, out of all of them, value platonic relationships just as much as romantic. She doesn’t want to stop the farmer from giving gifts to their friends; she's just asking for a lil reassurance. 

🖤 Abigail

Pre-relationship

Abigail will both hide away in her video games and be a little extra vicious in the mines. The big thing though, will be how hard she’s hitting the drums at band practice—it’s noticeable she’s playing out some angst. She’s absolutely not going to talk to the farmer about it, but she will vent to Sam and Seb. Sebastian offers some good advice, and Sam decides to take matters into his own hands and the next time he hangs out with the farmer he not so subtly asks about their dating life

The farmer misunderstands and basically says they’re flattered but that they like someone else

Sam quickly guesses that it’s Abigail with a huge grin, and tells the farmer that Pierre will have bouquets in stock soon

He reports back to Abigail who is mortified and quickly goes to the farmer to talk and clear things up (without a plan tbh she was just running on caffeine and panic) 

just imagine the farmer awkwardly holding a bouquet that Abigail doesn’t notice until she’s rambled for at least five minutes about her and the farmer and some esoteric commentary on the nature of relationships

at some point the farmer just holds up the flowers and Abigail stops short, red as a tomato

I don’t think Abigail would be significantly jealous once she was in a relationship. 

🖤 Maru

I imagine Maru is the most inexperienced in love when it comes to the bachelorettes. I HC her around 20 and as having been mostly home schooled. 

Pre-relationship

She absolutely over analyzes and tries to think her way through her emotions rather than feeling them

Fortunately she has Penny to talk to–and talk she will. It will take a lot of talking before she actually realizes she’s jealous because she likes the farmer. 

This realization is a crisis. It’s a panic. Maru does not know what to do. 

She spends extra time staying up at her telescope (she’s just as nocturnal as her brother) like the stars will have answers 

She will be completely oblivious to the farmer liking her back for the longest time

Relationship

when she gets jealous she tends to try to talk to her partner indirectly? Like she will be talking around the whole thing and her partner will go “i think I’m understanding what you’re saying, and I want to reassure you that you have no reason to be jealous”

And Maru will sit there frozen for a moment while she processes (give a girl a min to buffer) and then they’ll actually talk about the issue. 

🖤 Penny

Penny doesn’t get jealous, Penny gets sad. She withdraws and begins to pull away, insecurity getting the best of her. She gets quiet and fidgets when the farmer asks what’s wrong. Be patient with her and eventually she’ll open up about feeling like the farmer likes someone else. Like Haley, she needs reassurance—wrap your arm around her while she reads, bring her some tea, kiss her temple whenever you pass her—these little actions make her feel cared for and secure. Eventually she’ll be confident enough to bring up her feelings on her own. All she needs is to know she’s wanted. 

[keef-a-corn]

Dat’s right! It’s everyone’s favourite ‘Keef watches TFP and all you get are the notes!’

Maybe I should make a cover for this series.

ANYWHO! I’m watching season 1, Episode 10: Deus Ex Machina.

I write down timestamps, but I watch Transformers Prime on Stan (and Australian streaming service) so they may be slightly off.

~~~~Transition~~~~

00:00 - I know that’s my favourite book ‘World History’.

00:04 - please tell me that everyone else saw her just break the fourth wall.

00:11 - Bulkhead’s an asshole if Miko can hear the car from inside the building.

00:14 - Read.. 150 pages? Okay, I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never been to detention (I haven’t even gotten a slip [3 slips means detention]) so I could be wrong but.. isn’t detention formed by a variety of students? Not everyone’s going to be reading the same thing so how can a teacher assign such vague homework?

00:41 - In Bulkhead’s rear view you can actually see the teacher.

~Intro~

01:39 - I may have yelled ‘what the fuck?’ When I saw that cactus. Why did they get a real cactus?

01:43 - Bulkhead’s hovering above the road.

02:15 - Bots not understanding human expressions. So beautiful.

02:25 - Jack sounding exactly like an older brother, then Bulkhead ignoring him is hilarious.

02:37 - this has the same energy as ‘you’re going to end up at McDonald’s if you don’t do your work. We going to McDonalds if I don’t do my work? :D’

02:51 - you already KNOW Greek viewers went crazy.

03:16 - ‘those’ being a car… although still sounds kinda racist. Transformist? Modist? That sounds like modest.

03:17 - mmm I like when they have very.. civil reactions to comments.

03:24 - pssst guys… it’s a height difference

03:27 - I get that this part is supposed to show that Starscream considers Knockout inferior, but like… he knows that decepticons also need to have ground support that aren’t just vehicons, right?

03:30 - honestly, go off, K.O. Ya look good.

03:44 - that must be such a weird sight.

04:11 - Miko’s an idiot. I will explain further. She’s been rejected from every other mission, regardless of what it was and when Bulkhead notices a connection between Miko’s school work and a harmless mission, let’s her join. Why would Miko assume that it’s anything other than school related??

04:25 - Bulk didn’t need to justify how he knew that.

04:52 - randomly including democracy, alright

05:04 - he’s got looks, brains and fighting ability. Can you tell who’s one of my top Decepticons?

05:07 - he means boyfriend. (I’m like fairly certain that in some canon they are in a relationship)

05:09 - Where’s Starscream lookin?

05:43 - they’re ex boyfriends

06:26 - Bulkhead angst potential.

06:33 - HOW THE FUCK IS THE QUALITY SO GOOD??

06:37 - what’s he supposed to be pointing at rn?

06:47 - I dunno why but that just reminded me that Bayverse Bumblebee was in WW2.

06:52 - that’s really smart

07:11 - why are there so many dangerous weapons??

07:20 - Arcee decided to use a double negative than say ‘Miko’s right’ + Bee looks lifeless. Like I got jumpscared by him.

07:30 - no it doesn’t. I checked.

07:32 - I think Bee was just zoned out because he’s eyes/Optics are now full+ Bulkhead’s lean is beautiful.

07:34 - Optimus’s boobs are too big. He can’t see the screen.

07:40 - OH! LOOK AT THAT! FOWLER PROVING TO BE USELESS.

07:48 - I get the joke being ‘oh he’s a machine’ but honestly- I agree with Ratchet.

07:52 - I’m gonna be honest… I cried looking at Bee from Optimus’s perspective. He looks like a puppy!

07:54 - *cri* he’s so cute.

07:58 - confiscate as in remove dangerous weapon.

08:18 - Here we witness an idiot forgetting that they turn into cars.

08:29 - Miko using her brain. Woo!

08:39 - Optimus saying ‘Bulkhead’. I need a compilation of Optimus saying each Autobot’s name. (Specifically Bumblebee tho)

08:47 - ‘aw fuckin Soundwave’ ~ my genuine reaction when it showed that Soundwave was back at his hijinks

08:48 - draw the gang like this.

08:57 - that’s… what the frag… that’s so messed up.

09:21 - it might just be me, but wouldn’t it make more sense for either Bee or Arcee to be parked up front and Optimus at the back? Considering that people there have cars like Bee and Arcee’s a motorbike so it would look fairly normal. Then Optimus as the back to look like he’s museum property. I could be wrong tho.

09:46 - …Fnaf SB was def inspired by this so. I will not hear otherwise.

10:06 - Just seeing Optimus like that reminds me… why don’t the other have holoforms like Arcee? Their windows don’t have a heavy enough tint that an absence of driver does goes unnoticed.

10:55 - Knockout flirting with Optimus is such a silly idea.

11:08 - that was smooooooooth.

11:24 - Optimus lookin around, then looking down to see Knockout is actually really funny. I bet that happens all the time at the base.

11:30 - the way Optimus’s foot/pede bends implies that he can go on the tip of his toes and that fills me with immense joy.

11:37 - that’s a horrifying sight.

11:59 - Woo! Bee!

12:05 - NO! BEE!

12:10 - Okay but like Arcee could’ve dodged that initial missile(?) with a smaller turn, means she wouldn’t have crashed into Bee. + Whump potential anyone? + Bee does a backflip. Get on his level goddamn.

12:13 - Knockout really took down Optimus and just stood on him. Power move.

12:31 - if they’ve only NOW gotten it down, then there’s something wrong with them.

12:38 - Knockout reacted before Optimus started to move, but I now understand why Knockout stood on Optimus.

12:43 - that could’ve looked so cool.

12:44 - but Optimus said no

13:10 - Damn, Miko..

13:12 - She was complying yet the officer decided to be really rough.

13:18 - I now point out the foreshadowing when Bulkhead talked about Miko getting arrested.

13:25 - Soundwave got them feminine legs. Go off, king.

13:30 - that was a forced ‘gulp’ and I love it.

13:37 - Harry Potter, or whatever.

13:42 - Optimus, how long have you been lying on the floor, Primus.

13:53 - Shoutout to bots that can do backflips. Gotta be one of my favourite genders.

14:07 - And do what?.

14:08 - Mmmm Y E S. (Optimus said Bulkhead and Miko)

14:36 - a good liar doesn’t hesitate like that, Miko.

14:42 - DAMN THOSE BACKGROUNDS BEAUTIFUL AF.

15:06 - Ratchet in the corner.

15:07 - HOW THOUGH?! HOW WOULD YOU DO THAT, BULKHEAD??

15:38 - Does anyone else now get annoyed at Bulkhead? Like dude! Ratchet needed that! Couldn’t you have punched a wall or something??

16:06 - EXACTLY!

16:08 - shut up, Jack.

16:23 - bots feeling strong emotions are more heavily animated.

16:49 - that’s how I act and I’m feeling called out Ò-Ó

17:17 - did anyone else feel deeply disturbed watching that?

17:45 - Bulkhead lookin like a penguin.

17:52 - When you compare that walk to other bots (such as Bee or Arcee) you can especially tell the Bulkhead is not made for swift movements. He’s shaky on his pedes/feet when he went from uneven to stable ground and from the slide into a run.

18:00 - most realistic r action right there.

18:04 - Knockout’s significantly faster than Breakdown he’s just decided that instead of using his quick strides to run forward, he’s going side to side.

18:12 - LMAO

18:27 - I FORGOT THIS HAPPENS. THAT’S SO MESSED UP.

18:37 - Take that out of context. I dare you.

18:57 - okay, this looks awesome af.

19:16 - take THAT out of context-

19:27 - OOOOH I get it! Because traditionally it’s ‘fight or flight’ but because their both cars he said ‘drive’

19:50 - Awww look at them. That’s sad. They also kinda look like video game characters, especially because their eyes aren’t glowing the way they usually do. (Sorry I couldn’t get a clearer photo)

19:59 - this is what I sound like when I’m talking about Polar Bears.

21:03 - I would like to acknowledge that TFP is bad with letting characters take a moment to recover. The more this happens, the more you’ll hear about it.

———————

And that was Deus Ex Machina.

Honestly I’m not a big fan of this episode. It’s okay, but definitely doesn’t stand out as much as it could’ve. I thought the plots were very weak and there were very few iconic moments. Considering that this was the first appearance of Knockout and Breakdown, it’s an underwhelming reveal.

[sylvaridreams]

I cut out some off topic chatter and fixed a couple typos but otherwise this is copy paste from discord, followed by some more from just me. Diving into Alba, his status as a leader and symbolic figure, his relationships with friends and lovers, and his relationship with himself.

(Long post ahead.)

Dama: tbqh i'm wondering how much longer his relationship with canach can or will last.... they love each other but the conditions keep getting more and more strained it feels like. now alba's vanished again…

Sage: I was wondering that too actually like. Wondering how strong it can last, esp since things were pretty separate for eod and haven't exactly gotten better since

Dama: canach maybe tries to find him during this... like alba was notably in the grove, giving interviews, canach tries to get ahold of him (maybe they had plans for later) and alba just never responds or shows up. stands him up and canach's like ok. well i can wait, he's probably having one of his moments.

Dama: and then weeks pass and nothing.

Dama: and then months. at some point he has to assume alba's either dead or just moved on.

Dama: letters not only being ignored but coming back return to sender. 🧍‍♂️ like "unable to locate" kind of shit

Dama: it's not like anyone else in what was once dragon's watch knows where he is either

Sage: The only one you'd be able to rely on to track him down is honestly MEISI. And..well.

Dama: my god Ivan is literally the last person who talked to him isn't he (editing note: I don't think Alba even speaks when Zojja uses his comms to call Taimi later.)

Dama: and then these demons start cropping up all over the world and its like. god. things look grim enough with just that but it appears the commander has either died or just left. and he's known for just leaving, and he's also known for doing things to put himself in danger, so. after some time canach probably just... finishes the grieving he's already started years ago, and tries to move on

Dama: i think it would hit alba hard if canach just moved on. 🧍‍♂️ a real blow to the chest.

Sage: The commnach economy is in fucking shambles

Dama: because in HIS head they're a sure thing possibly forever.... yeah i was away for a few months doing wizard shit why would you just assume i was dead?

Dama: "you didn't write me" well i. i. didn't think it would reach you.

Sage: And away for a year before that because of the tiger. And -

Dama: at some point i think canach wouldn't be willing to take him back either. at least not right now. work on yourself a bit man.

Dama: take care of yourself so you don't hurt the next person to fall in love with you.

Sage: Albas fucked up and struggling but canach is allowed to be and feel hurt because good lord.

Dama: canach has been a good sport about it for a long time but he made it clear when they started dating-dating and not just fooling around that he had his own issues and that he had boundaries and limits to what he could help with or tolerate or be around. and alba has pushed those limits almost non stop

Sage: ALBA YOU IDIOT YOU LOST THE 10/10 CACTUS

Dama: (in game screenshot reading…

Alba Moonseeker: Does what make me angry?

Peitha: The fact that everyone doesn't immediately bathe in your excellence.)

Sage: Hope how casual and informally indifferent meisi is with him now on average helps.

Dama: WHY ARENT YOU BATHING IN HIS EXCELLENCE MEISI :cry2:

Sage: Hes been there for it all it wasn't excellent

Sage: Meisis been there for it all from.a little sapling in the vigil to dragons dying to morning a charred corpse on a plateau. He respects alba, he loves alba, he had a crush on him a fuckin millenia ago. But hes never, will never deify alba.

Sage: Even among dragons watch hes a rare gaze that Just Sees a Person.

Dama: a person who can be incredibly shitty as a friend sometimes, lbr

Dama: his "I'd save the village" ass. Liar.

Sage: Probably doesn't even know one of meisis partners might die /s

Sage: Again. Meisi stays. Its more of a headache and a chore than a friendship the last few years but. If his presence does anything to help stabilize alba it is likely worth it. Even for what he has/hasn't done meisi doesn't think he deserves cutoff isolation

Dama: no but fr does he ask meisi how things are, does he take an interest in these things, or is it all take and very little give from him much of the time? you have to tell alba something's up for him to inquire about it, he won't go seeking you out to check on you.... case in point, zojja post-maguuma. his little "i would have loved to have seen her" was such bullshit to me. what stopped you buddy? never once did he Try to go find her. does he know one of meisi's partners might die... probably not, or he doesn't know the full extent of it. i don't think it's a lack of interest in people or anything, i don't think it's fully intentional, but i do think he's kind of selfish and self centered and zoomed in on his own stuff. being a hero. being THE hero.

Dama: "I'd save the village." but you don't know who any of the villagers are beyond the surface level "villager" title. you don't ask how they are. and meanwhile the dragon's champion is razing the next village over because you had to pat yourself on the back again.

Sage: Hes so focused on saving the world hes lost connection with it

Dama: i think at his base alba is a lonely person because he does things to keep himself alone. and that's why he's perfect for heroics and perfect for the pedestals that he gets lifted up onto. the commander, the hero of tyria and amnoon and cantha, the wayfinder. pinning titles to his lapels like war trophies. meanwhile he doesn't know the most base things about his closest friends. doesnt know Zeeki's dying, doesn't know almost anything about Bourbon's backstory, he only knows so much about Auruim because Auru is loud and pushy about rubbing alba's face in things. Thiiyf had to walk away from the Pact, she could have stayed by his side into Lws3 and beyond but she couldn't stand to be involved with him any longer knowing how limited her time was.

Dama: he sees his friends as not caring about him when the world doesn't need saving, well? do you care about your friends? ever?

Dama: dragon's watch is basically defunct with soo won gone -- yeah and i bet these people still make an effort to keep in contact and share things from their lives while he runs around getting hurt and being miserable and bemoaning that no one needs the commander. i love him so much god

Dama: bottom line I think that the guild and others "only reach out when the world needs saving" because. alba doesn't care unless the world needs saving.

Dama: it would be such a funny (not funny) gut punch for him to see how much everyone has moved forward in their personal lives and still stayed connected while he was. doing what? whatever. like he felt like such an outsider with the wizards and all, these guys all know each other and he's just some random from Tyria... but he doesn't know his friends either.

Dama: he's a stranger to them too.

Dama: I think he went to Rama's party primarily because he was desperate and hoping that someone would drop a big adventure on the table for the guild to go conquer as a team.

Dama: i would find it so funny if the next time he sees someone from dragon's watch they showed up with a kid and he's like haha whose baby is this then and they're like ??? commander this is my daughter....? i wrote you a letter when she was born, didn't you... read it? and everyone's quietly uncomfortable because of COURSE he didn't.

Sage: Its sad to think that *meisi* is probably more knowledgeable about what deidre means to Auru god d a m n.

Dama: of course he is, Meisi takes an actual interest in Auruim.

Alba is overall a man desperate for approval and love. He's a bad friend and lover because he only cares when the stakes are world ending, and people don't seem to care about or like him much because Alba doesn't care about or like himself. He's unable to wrap his head around a trolley problem like "would you go kill the dragon's champion on the mountain, or would you save a village from bandits" as a philosophical question because to him the "correct" answer boils down to "which one is going to make people love me?" He wouldn't save the farm, not as long as there was anything bigger and more important to do.

Being elevated to the pedestal of Commander as a sapling and then left up there for over a decade has made him incapable of seeing eye to eye with other people, even friends and lovers, not with his massive ego in the way. In a way I think that 13 years of nonstop warfare has just traumatized him to where he can't see himself as a singular small person, he has to be the face of an army, the face of heroism, and it doesn't help that he’s always going to be the Commander, hero of amnoon, dragon's champion, now wayfinder. Not a person, just a symbol.

SotO has been fascinating because not only is he treated as an outsider to a group of people so close to one another that they're family–outside looking in at healthy, real interpersonal relationships– he's also treated with revile and hatred by people within the fractals that he's "failed" – thinking specifically about the Zaishen and refugees in the Elona fractal. Their version of him failed to do the good deed, kill the big bad, win the wars, and so they hate him, and it's been a LONG time since random innocents have treated Alba that way. It took me back to the start of Lws4 when people were running from the branded attacks on Amnoon, shouting at him "You said this wouldn't happen, you said we were safe, you said you'd protect us and it was over," etc. Forcibly rubbing his face in (a version of) his failures and telling him YOU fucked this one up. The first time in a long time that people who "should" revere his symbol instead spit on it and deny him the love he needs. Maybe that *is* what he needs. To be kicked down and told he's done wrong and he can't fix it. Maybe he needs more failures under his belt, failed attempts, failed relationships, so he can finally value what he has.

I don't know right now if he and Canach will try again later on; currently the plan is that in a few months, Alba will make some sort of contact with his old guild and be told, essentially "we assumed you were dead or had left us, either way we've moved on in these ways and suggest you do too," and Canach will inform him that the same is true for their relationship; i.e. you either died or disappeared again, and I can't keep doing this either way. I've mourned you enough already. Go deal with your problems and learn to treat people who care about you like people who you care about rather than props and side characters to your A-plot.

I could definitely say more on that but I'll wait until I get some lore figured out and posted for Auru and Bourbon for SotO. :)

[rangerdoubt]

Unusual Muse Associations: Miriam Basri (FH:R)

thank u to @sidestepping and @astarien for thinking of me 🥹 back to basics with the OG blorbo bc i miss her

tagging: @i-mybrunettelady @solarisrenbeth @autistic-sidestep @just-a-tiny-goldfish + anyone else who wants to Chew on their muses! no pressure as usual <33

SEASONING: licorice. comforting to some, cloying to everyone else.

WEATHER: grey and windy, on and off drizzly. just enough to get your hoodie damp.

COLOUR: dark moss green (#4A5D23)

SKY: the blue-black before the sunrise.

MAGICAL POWER: evocation (pyrokinesis)

PLANT: some kind of domestic cactus—probably the bunny ears. (more seriously, irises: funeral flowers symbolizing faith, hope, and valour.)

WEAPON: sniper rifle. failing that, brass knuckles.

SUBJECT: anatomy & physiology, jurisprudence. anything to do with the interconnection of systems.

SOCIAL MEDIA: ………tumblr.

MAKEUP PRODUCT: green apple chapstick.

CANDY: haribo gummy bears.

FEAR: being manipulated. dying alone.

ICE CUBE SHAPE: the single giant cubes that bars use for highballs.

METHOD OF LONG-DISTANCE TRAVEL: road trip in the most fucked-up van you can imagine.

ART STYLE: romanticism, but specifically mid-late career francisco goya. you’ve seen saturn devouring his children.

MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE: werewolf. observant, ferocious. ride-or-die for a specific few.

PIECE OF STATIONERY: fountain pen, real (jet black) ink

THREE EMOJIS: 🤨🔎🚬

CELESTIAL BODY: neutron star

[mojaves]

💋🌵🍴🍄🏹🎤🎮🏡🪐🗝️💈💔❤️‍🔥💞 + seb ^_^

💋 KISS MARK: What’s their signature look, if any? Do they have a gesture or piece of jewelry or something else that acts as a calling card for them?

always silver jewellery. Always. thats a lie sometimes it's rose gold if it's like. a super extra special occasion. big black boots. grey or black long sleeve shirts with the sleeves rolled up + a good chunk of the buttons undone. the boobs are saying hello.

🌵 CACTUS: What are some reasons someone might not like them? What are their personality flaws?

he can be a little too bitchy. thats the best way i can describe it. a little too overconfident and snarky, which really overshadows the rest of his personality. he can also very easily shut himself off from the world when getting too overwhelmed, which can be extremely difficult to deal with, even for those around him who love him very much. especially because of how stupidly stubborn he is to a very detrimental degree, to the point it has caused a lot of permanent damage to his health, his body, And his relationships. seb is a LOT to deal with, because of all of the baggage that he comes with, and it would understandably be just. entirely too much for someone to want to deal with.

🍴 FORK AND KNIFE: Do they have good manners? Were they taught to be that way, or are they just polite?

seb grew up with a very. strict father. to put it lightly. he HAD to have good manners, or he would otherwise be punished for it. even without that as an incentive, he's a generally very polite person anyway, always treating others with the respect he would expect to be treated with too. he can use it to his advantage when dealing with annoying clients or just. people who are dicks in general. where he can turn the politeness up to 11, into a passive aggressive manner. generally he will straight up just tell you to fuck off if you're annoying him. but if youre REALLY annoying him. he is going to make it worse for EVERYONE involved.

🍄 MUSHROOM: Would they ever experiment with psychedelics? How would it affect them?

he's insane he'll try just about anything. needs to find a balance though [which he often fails at. which makes things significantly worse for him] as he's a very tall guy. very large. so it would take quite a bit to kick in, but his brain and nervous system is extremely volatile and WILL go into overdrive if the experience is even slightly too much, which can make him go into his Passive Combat Mode. where the slightest movement could set him off. if he manages to get the balance just right though?? he's just hangin out. he's sludge. he's on the floor. don't worry about him.

🏹 BOW AND ARROW: What’s their preferred weapon, if anything?

KNIVES!!!!! theyre primarily what he trained with growing up, and theyre very versatile, perfect for both close and ranged combat. evey more fun if theyre dipped in poison. he sometimes crafts his own knives in his spare time, engraving very intricate and beautiful designs into them,,, and if he makes one for you?? well then you're basically the single most special person in the world to him.

🎤 MICROPHONE: What does their voice sound like? Do they have a notable accent? Can they sing, and if so, what would they sing at a karaoke night?

deep, a little rough and raspy, spanish accent with a hint of a night city twang in there, with a strong mechanical tone to it on account of his neck cyberware [which got even stronger when the voice module got damaged, which he never bothered to get fixed]. he can sing VERY well! it's something that's always been a passion and a talent of his, and he's always wanted to be in a band,,, at karaoke he would sing something either very soft, or something with a Lot of passion behind it, that you want to scream at the top of your lungs

🎮 VIDEO GAME: Do they play video games? What kind of games do they prefer?

sl/ime rancher. and m/inecraft. those are the only games he understands. the controls of every other video game will never make sense to him. even if theyre generally the same across the board. dont make him try to play anything else he'll get scared.

🏡 HOUSE WITH GARDEN: Where do they live? Do they have a house to themselves or do they live with somebody, or something else?

a small apartment in night city! where he lives with his husband and his cat [: it's a very cosy little place, just enough for all three of them, and he wouldnt change it for the world.

🪐 RINGED PLANET: How do they feel about space? Does it inspire them or make them feel lonely?

space has always been one of his special interests, and he will go on and on and ON about it given the opportunity. all of it stemmed from his little brother, luci, reading a book to him about planets one day, and ever since then it's something they've both had in common. he things it's beautiful, if not a little scary, but that just adds to the beauty,,, however he has been up there once. and he would very much like to never do that again. hasn't changed his love of the topic. but good lord.

🗝️ OLD KEY: What do they always keep in their pockets or purse?

his phone, a lighter, a pack of cigarettes, a couple of knives, small gun in case of emergencies, a wallet, and some fidget toys. the essentials for any man about town. he ALWAYS forgets his glasses though. the only way he'll remember is if he's wearing them before he leaves the house. but even that happens rarely.

💈 BARBER POLE: How particular are they about their hair? Do they prefer to do it themselves or get it done professionally, if they care at all?

he's not all too picky about it, and would let anyone cut it if he trusts them enough, and can otherwise just shave it all off and start again. his style is short sides and longer on the top. beyond that he's not really fussy about how it looks.

💔 BROKEN HEART: What would break their heart? What’s the worst thing a significant other or a close friend could do to them?

cheating. any sort of betrayal, really. but cheating is definitely the biggest thing that can send him spiralling. a lack of trust... he's been through that one too many times and if it happened to him one more time, he wouldn't make it to the next morning is all im saying.

❤️‍🔥 HEART ON FIRE: What really gets them going? What’s their favorite thing for a significant other to do?

hrgrhgfhhhfjhf he's a little freak. almost anything can get him in the zone if he's in a good mood. hugs? kisses? biting? even so much as just smiling in a certain way. listen. he loves his husband SO much. ok. that man can do literally anything and it's the single most attractive thing seb has EVER seen in his life.

💞 REVOLVING HEARTS: Do they have a best friend? What’s their relationship like?

he's got a few but for the sake of brevity. i'll talk about cassidy. his husband cassidy. YOUR OWN OC NO LESS!!!

it's a very loving and caring relationship, and VERY strong, thanks to all the things they have been through together. they're practically inseperable now. he trusts cassidy with his life, even more than he could ever trust himself. cassidy means the WORLD to him. there's so much i could say about their relationship but half of it would be me barking. you understand.

basically. no one has ever been so in love like seb is with cassidy. no one is doing it like them. and no one ever will!!!! im right

[tetsunabouquet]

Multifandom Headcanon: Prison world AU

A/N: Alright, one of my first ideas for a fanfic I ever had which is a prompt I still remember, was a prison AU that is eerily like the Bonnie and Damon prison world arc from TVD. I still feel like I prophesizied this arc. I never let that idea go and one of the webcomics I hope to create (if my new drawing tablet is of good enough quality to work with) is actually me working out this prompt with a set of fantasy characters that eventually will have their own multidimensional shennanigans alongside debauchery caused mayhem. This multifandom headcanon is basically which characters I can see would work well for my webcomic.

-Sasha Braus & Connie Springer from Attack On Titan/Slap On Titan: These two are made for an AU like this. Because my AU requires some serious crazy dumbfucks. Which is why their Slap On Titan counterparts would work even better. Especially Connie's stripper Chihuahua thing. -Lizzie Saltzman from TVDU: Out of all the TVD characters, Lizzie in the prison world is exactly the vibe of my webcomic: she treats the world like her playground and she's just vibing with being imprisoned. Also, I'll never forget her making out with Sebastian when Landon was in the trunk because that is so gonna be my webcomic. -Lily Chen from TSC: Lily's smart but her brain is fried enough that she ends up getting sucked down by idiocy all the same. I can see Lily having a similar rant to my sea sprite OC about a lack of interdimensional maintenance. Whilst Magnus would also seem like a great addition at first, there's something about the pain and tragedy of Magnus that I feel like he would not fair well in the prison dimension in the long run. -Jinx from Arcane: I can imagine Jinx to be counting down the days for Pyromania Day every year with everyone else running and hiding a month in advance because they know Jinx will just burn at least three towns to the ground for fun. -Kiyoshi Teppei from KNB: He is a lovable himbo that's also mentally tough and able to handle a lot. He can handle whatever shit gets thrown at him with grace. An necessary ingredient. -Diego and Lila from The Umbrella Academy: Speaking of lovable himbos that can handle a lot and prison that only triggers further memories of a certain lovable ship. These two would absolutely function well in this place. I'd put Klaus here too, but unfortuntely this world does not have ghosts as my version of the prison dimension has people aging until senior age but instead of dying in their sleep, people just fall into an eternal coma to also keep their souls imprisoned. -Nagisa 'Thugisa' from the Free! parody: This dude already was in prison and he would certainly function in this world too. Absolutely part of the crazy dumbfuck line-up. -Pike from ElfQuest: If there is one guy I would think of to hand out the drugs and booze in his own inn where everyone is staying for the night- Pike would be the number one character who comes to mind. There even was that one volume of when the tribe split and they got attacked by these mosquito-esque creatures that Pike's blood to a certain percentage is made out of alcohol with how often he eats those fucking dreamberries. Also Sasha would certainly be corrupted by Pike. Imagine Sasha with edibles… That is bound to go wrong! -Sokka from ATLA: From being a genius strategist to the comedic relief that managed to get away with tripping on LSD on a literal children's tv show, obviously he has to be part of this cast. And to those of you who don't know, there are two breeds of cacti particularly known for having similar chemical properties to LSD in their juice… My mom actually ones of of those which is how I got curious enough to investigate the cactus juice thing.

[felikatze]

pssst. webcomic recommendations. pretty pleasd

from your url i'm gonna go out on a limb and say you like orv. excellent.

my number one recommendations for you are:

Surviving Romance (on Webtoon): Chaerin is trapped in a romance novel. At first, she loved it, but whenever she attempted to divert the plot... it did not end well for her. If you've seen people talk about it, you know what twist it pulls in episode 1, but if you don't, please go into it blind. Just read episode 1, and decide if it's for you.

We have a majorly female cast (there's like, 3 dudes max, and they're all side characters). Big focus on female relationships and the idealization of romance. Chaerin moves away from desparately clinging to a romance with a man that doesn't satisfy her as she befriends her classmates who she previously only thought of as "extras" to the central romance of her life. Great mystery elements, extremely suspenseful at parts, I would die for Hisui, she is the best, she is the cutest.

Also lots of meta shenanigans and timeloops. And the episode 1 genre twist. insane comic all around. beautiful art too. it's the opposite of orv's text based focus in that surviving romance could only ever work in a primarily visual medium

Next up, The Ember Knight! Also on webtoon!

After his brother is murdered right before his eyes, Nagyunn swears to avenge him. However, being twins.... who can be sure which one died that day? He takes on his brother's identity as a knight apprentice to gather the forces necessary and bides his time until the opportunity to strike.

Nagyunn is Fucking Amazing if you like kdj because he is. the exact same and not at all. Nagyunn is Very Intense all the time but what they have in common is that. Nagyunn's only skill is lying. He is lying about his name. He is lying about his skills. He is lying about his motivations. What if you had to solve every single problem with a deception check. The insane bluffing he gets up to is both suspenseful and lowkey hilarious.

Biggest complaint would be the amount of characters with similar names. Nagyunn and Nuljin, and in the most recent arc, Lauzun, Laurun, and Laukun. Are You Kidding Me

i've read the entire thing twice and every single update puts me in absolute agony.

Other comics I won't gush about for as long and that are probably more off the ball from orv:

Estio (on Reaperscans):

Starts out VERY cinderella-esque with a boy who can talk to animals and gets bullied about it. So he decides to leave town! Fuck yall! With his gift he finds work as a Fantasy Adventurer, except there's more to reading hearts than it appears, and there's many people who'd do anything to have that ability on their side....

I haven't been the same since the chapter where Estio kills people. go boy go. his sidekicks include a talking cat, a talking monkey, and a talking cactus. the cactus thirsts for blood.

The demon prince goes to the academy (also on reaperscans):

i fucking love this one. dumbass author is put into his own novel as karmic punishment. but being reborn as the demon prince in the world of "the demon king is already dead" puts a damper on a promise of slice of life shenanigans

the first chapter of the comic sucks it's just exposition but after that i love this one dearly. after the initial running for your life arc it does turn to school life stuff but protag boy reinhardt is so insane that i'd love just watching him do homework. i love that boy very much. he will kick people in the nuts. the school aspect is kind of novel in the sense that he's the obligatory bully character.

it's fantastic. love him.

uhhh what else have i got. quick pitch time!

Vindicaris (has its own website, also on tapas): Elemental beings Ces and Sel vow revenge on the company that created them. Extremely edgy (which is fantastic), the most dysfunctional protag duo ever, fun perspective shifts between Ces and Sel as well as people still at the company. Nobody's really in the right and everyone uniquely sucks.

Ending Makers (reaperscans): Two top MMO players get isekai'd into their game. Only problem: their characters are engaged. Now these two bozos need to team up and prevent the demon apocalypse. Fake dating slow burn type of stuff yknow.

Dummy's Dummy (webtoon): a little girl who can see ghosts needs to stop the haunted toys her grandfather left behind by teaming up with an even more haunted doll. described by the author as "kid friendly horror." i havent read the reboot on webtoon, just the original, but it should still be good.

This Isekai Maid is Forming A Union! (webtoon): what it says on the tin. Brigette is sick of constantly reincarnating as a maid in isekai stories, so she's unionizing the Anders household. Neither shitty love interests with a penchant for murder nor leading ladies with superiority complexes are going to stop her. (this comic has a bone to pick with shojo isekai, and i am cheering as it goes for the throat).

i also have WAYY more but i think this is enough for now. my main haunts tend to be webtoon, tapas, reaperscans, and hiveworks. i especially recommend hiveworks if you're looking for original stuff. reaperscans mainly has action shonen shit but it satisfies my cravings for schlock. though there's also some gems buried there. webtoons and tapas should both be well known enough on their own, though i tend to prefer webtoon over tapas these days.