#but I’ve accepted it and I love who I am
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Hihi! I was wondering if I could request Dan Heng, Jiaoqiu, and Sunday with a s/o who is non-binary but has been struggling to tell them?
To be known and loved is to be truly seen
Tags: Dan Heng x Reader, Jiaoqiu x Reader, AE!Sunday x Reader, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Conversations, Gender Identity Exploration, Non-Binary Reader Insert, Acceptance and Support, Soft Relationships, Found Family Themes, Light Angst
Warnings: Discussions of gender dysphoria (brief), Mild emotional distress, Anxiety themes, Supportive yet sensitive handling of identity issues(?), Comfort after emotional vulnerability.
Dan Heng stood at his post on the Astral Express, his usual calm demeanor betraying no sign of emotion. His fingers lightly gripped the hilt of his spear as his sharp gaze scanned the horizon through the train’s viewport. It was a quiet, tranquil moment—the kind he often sought in the midst of his hectic duties. Yet, there was a quiet tension in his chest, an unease he couldn’t quite place.
It had been several weeks now since he’d first met you, a quiet, introspective soul who had quickly become an integral part of his world. You were always there, by his side, whether he was patrolling, meditating, or simply walking the halls of the train. Dan Heng couldn’t deny the subtle warmth he felt when you were near—something about your presence put his mind at ease. But recently, a subtle shift had occurred. He noticed you fidgeting, speaking less, as though burdened by a weight you refused to share.
“Is something wrong?” he asked one evening when you found yourselves alone in the train’s quiet corridor.
Your gaze flitted to the floor, a hand nervously tugging at the edge of your sleeve. “It’s nothing, Dan Heng. Don’t worry about me.”
He didn’t press further, but something in your voice felt off. There was something you weren’t saying, something that hung between you like an unspoken truth. He had a feeling that it wasn’t nothing at all.
Days passed, and the quiet unease gnawed at him. He’d seen you hide it behind your smiles and soft laughter, but your unease was palpable to him. For all his stoic nature, Dan Heng had always been able to sense when something was wrong—when people around him needed something they weren’t saying. But this? This was different. His mind wandered through the possibilities. Was it something to do with your past? Or perhaps you were frustrated with your role on the Express?
It wasn’t until a late-night conversation in the dimly lit cabin that the truth came to light.
��I—I’ve been meaning to tell you something for a while,” you began, your voice almost a whisper. Your hands trembled as you clasped them tightly in your lap, a nervous habit Dan Heng had come to recognize. “It’s just… it’s hard.”
Dan Heng’s expression softened, and he turned toward you fully, his attention fixed entirely on you. “You don’t have to explain everything at once. Take your time.”
There was a long pause, and for a moment, the only sound was the soft hum of the train. Finally, you spoke again, your words slow but deliberate. “I’m non-binary. I don’t fit into either the role of a man or a woman, and… I’ve been struggling with how to tell you.”
The words hung in the air, fragile as glass. Dan Heng remained silent for a moment, his gaze searching your face, trying to read the emotions beneath the words. He could see the uncertainty in your eyes, the vulnerability in your posture. Slowly, he reached out, gently placing a hand on yours.
“It doesn’t matter to me,” he said quietly. “You are you. And I am honored to stand by your side, no matter what.”
A quiet relief washed over you, and you looked up at him, meeting his eyes for the first time. A faint smile tugged at your lips, and Dan Heng felt a warmth fill his chest.
“I’m glad you told me,” he murmured, his voice low. “You can always be yourself around me. I’ll never judge you for who you are.”
In that moment, the weight you’d been carrying seemed to lift, if only for a little while. Dan Heng’s quiet support meant more to you than any words could express.
The soft scent of herbs and medicinal oils filled the air. It was a quiet evening, and the flickering light of lanterns cast gentle shadows on the walls as Jiaoqiu worked, grinding the ingredients for his latest formula. His fox-like ears twitched as he adjusted the flow of alchemical concoctions, his mind focused on the precision of his work. But despite his calm exterior, his thoughts often wandered back to you—the person he had been thinking about all day.
‘You haven’t been yourself lately.’ Jiaoqiu thought, stirring the potion in his hands. He had known you for a long time, admired your strength, but recently there had been something… off. You had been quieter, more withdrawn, as if there was some burden weighing on your heart. The compassion that guided Jiaoqiu in his work extended beyond the physical, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something deeper was troubling you.
He looked up from his work, and there you were—standing just inside the doorway, your figure framed by the dim glow of the lanterns. The hesitation in your gaze was evident.
“Are you alright?” Jiaoqiu asked, his voice gentle yet sharp with concern. He set down his mortar and pestle, his perceptive nature already picking up on your discomfort. “You’ve been distant.”
You shifted uncomfortably before slowly walking towards him. “I’ve been meaning to tell you something, Jiaoqiu. I… I’m not sure how you’ll take it.”
Jiaoqiu raised an eyebrow but didn’t interrupt. His expression softened, his hands resting by his side. “Whatever it is, you can tell me. You know that, right?”
The words came slowly, and there was an almost tangible tension between you. “I’m non-binary. I don’t identify as either male or female, and… I’ve been so afraid to tell you. I don’t want to disappoint you.”
Jiaoqiu’s expression softened, his ears flickering with understanding. He stepped closer to you, his hand reaching out gently to rest on your shoulder. “Disappoint me? You could never disappoint me.”
You hesitated, but Jiaoqiu gave a small, reassuring smile. “I understand. I don’t expect you to fit into any mold. You are who you are. And I appreciate you for exactly that.”
A sigh of relief escaped you, and you looked up at him. “You really mean that?”
“I do,” Jiaoqiu replied. “In fact, I’ve always admired your strength. The way you carry yourself, how you face every challenge. That’s what matters.”
For the first time in a long while, a genuine smile appeared on your face, and the tension seemed to ease from your shoulders. Jiaoqiu’s smile widened, and he gently squeezed your shoulder. “You’re not alone in this. I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”
Sunday sat in the quiet room of the Astral Express, his fingers delicately tracing the patterns on the edge of his golden ornament, the glimmer of the halo behind his head casting an ethereal glow. His thoughtful gaze rested on the view outside, but his mind was far away, lost in the complicated emotions that lay beneath his composed exterior.
There was a problem that had been on his mind lately. You had been acting strangely—distant, hesitant. He’d seen you flinch at the smallest things, and your silence had grown more pronounced. He couldn’t help but feel concerned, but at the same time, he couldn’t deny the twisted part of him that wondered if you were simply afraid of what he was.
But even as he questioned your distance, he knew there was something more. Something deeper.
“Sunday...” your voice broke through his thoughts, soft and tentative.
He turned toward you, his eyes locking onto yours with a gentle, almost serene gaze. “Yes?”
There was a long silence as you stood there, shifting your weight from foot to foot. “I… I’ve been meaning to tell you something important.”
Sunday’s expression softened, his tone warm but serious. “You know you can tell me anything. Whatever it is, it won’t change how I feel about you.”
You bit your lip, and after a long pause, you finally spoke. “I’m non-binary. I don’t identify as male or female, and I’ve been struggling to find the right way to tell you.”
Sunday blinked, his halo subtly shifting behind him as his mind processed your words. For a moment, he said nothing, his gaze steady as he took in your vulnerability.
When he finally spoke, his voice was calm but firm. “You are exactly who you are, and that is all that matters. I do not view you through any lens other than the one that sees your worth and your spirit.”
His words were simple, yet there was an undeniable warmth in them, a sincerity that reached deep within your heart.
“You are perfect just as you are,” Sunday continued, his expression softening. “In this world, where everything seems to crumble under the weight of suffering, the only thing that matters to me is that you’re here. With me. And that we’re together.”
The softness in your gaze grew, and for the first time in what felt like forever, you allowed yourself to truly relax in his presence. His acceptance was unwavering, a balm to the wounds you had carried for so long.
“Thank you, Sunday,” you whispered.
He smiled, a quiet, knowing smile. “Of course, dove.”
#x reader#honkai star rail#hsr#honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#dan heng honkai star rail#hsr dan heng#dan heng x you#dan heng x reader#dan heng#hsr jiaoqu x reader#hsr jiaoqiu x reader#hsr jiaoqiu#jiaoqiu#astral express!sunday#sunday hsr#sunday x reader#hsr sunday#fluff#hurt/comfort#emotional conversation#gender identity exploration#non binary reader#acceptance and support#soft relationship#found family themes#light angst#discussions of gender dysphoria (brief)#mild emotional distress#anxiety themes
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No… but why did I my brain fill in the blank SO HARD with the first chorus??
I swore when I first searched the translations that it said “I love you, I am waiting, I love you, I am waiting.”
Like it meant Ekko was waiting for Jinx/Powder to be ready to accept love, that he loves Jinx regardless if she sees herself as someone who could be loved or good.
My heart broke so much when I’ve found the lyrics again. I listen to their song with a new ache, oh my goodness.
no thoughts, just this scene
#my heart!!#i love them!#arcane#arcane season 2#jinx#jinx arcane#powder#powder arcane#ekko#ekko arcane#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane season two#arcane season two spoilers
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I love aspirational talk and aspirational actions that don’t fit entirely with one’s current conception of self but are guiding you and paving way into a new one. Because you should change conceptions as easily as clothes if they’re not helping you be who you’d like to be. I love dreams and those who have the nerve to take their desires seriously. If desire is evidence of the reality I seek to embody then I’d say that the architecture taste fragrance form and frequency of my wishes are signs pointing towards the same thing; Experiences that my soul-persona wishes to experience here in this lifetime. And I take it seriously no matter what comes in or out of style around me. People flow through tall cities like in waves. I try to do what it takes to go within and rearrange my Interiors whenever I am cultivating poisoned flowers because this is a responding world. I’ve noticed an impulse to cut desires off at the root or accept them only in their secondary and diluted form, cut the leaves and cut the flower, but it’s always nice to remember that there are no conditions to be met in order to be who I am and to claim all that I want as mine
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Exacting His Revenge
- Chapter 3
I apologize for the long wait for this chapter. To reward you for your patience, I will give you another chapter after this one, for a total of 4. (You would have gotten it anyway because I am apparently just too wordy)
Happy birthday again to @kmomof4 and thank you again to @hookedmom for betaing this story.
Story Summary: When Hook sees an opportunity to finally get his revenge on Rumplestiltskin, he seizes it, putting him in the company of Emma Swan. A season 2 canon divergent story.
Rating: M (for eventual smut in chapter 4)
Words (Ch. 3): 6666
Posted on Tumlr - Chap. 1 Chap. 2 and also on ffn and Ao3
Story found under the cut
*********
As the ship got closer to Storybrooke, Hook noticed Emma frequently glancing at him out of the corner of her eye. When the lights of the town appeared on the horizon, he saw her draw in a deep breath, turn, and walk toward the steps leading to the helm. Slowly climbing them, she looked up and met his gaze.
“Is there something I can help you with, Love?” he asked.
“I was just wondering…what do you plan to do, now that you killed Gold?”
He chuckled lowly. “I’ve been wondering that myself.”
“Technically, you’re still under arrest. Now we’ll have to add escaping from jail to your charges.”
Hook reached up and scratched behind his ear. “Probably another assault charge, too.”
She widened her stance and crossed her arms. “What did you do?”
“I may have knocked your father unconscious with a pry bar.”
Rubbing her forehead in irritation, Emma sighed, “You’re a walking menace, you know that?”
“I couldn’t just sit in that concrete brig, while you were off by yourself with the bloody Dark One.”
Her eyes shot up. “You broke out of jail because you thought you had to save me?”
He dipped his head in a slight nod. “Aye.”
“Why?” she asked, disbelievingly.
“I knew what the crocodile was capable of doing. He would stop at nothing to get what he wanted. Even though he needed you to help him navigate his way to his son, you were disposable once you found him.”
“You think he would have killed me? Knowing I had a son waiting for me back in Storybrooke?”
“He killed Milah knowing she had a son. Why would you be any different?” He watched her mull over her question. When she didn’t say anything else, he asked, “Do you think Baelfire will stay in Storybrooke?”
She shrugged indifferently. “I don’t know.”
“Do you wish for him to stay?”
“I don’t, but if Henry does, I guess I’ll have to accept it. First, I have to figure out a way to tell Henry about him, though.”
“You haven’t told him about his father?”
Her face scrunched into a grimace, something that Hook found to be quite adorable. “I sort of lied to him about Neal. I told him his dad was a firefighter who died saving people from a burning building.”
“Why did you do that?”
“Because I didn’t think there was a chance in hell I would ever see Neal again. And also because I didn’t want my kid to know his father was a lying thief who abandoned me.”
Hook glanced at Bae, still sitting beside his father’s body. He was glowering at them and Hook wondered if he had heard what Emma said, or was simply angry seeing Emma talking to him.
“The lad seems to be quite adaptable. I’m sure once he hears the whole story, he’ll understand.”
“I hope so,” Emma sighed. “The thing is, it’s already complicated enough trying to juggle his time between me and Regina. If Neal is added to the mix, I’ll get to see Henry even less.”
“He does have a right to see the boy, though, doesn’t he?”
“Yeah. It’s not like Neal abandoned him, too. He didn’t know I was pregnant when he took off.”
“You don’t think that the two of you, for the boy’s sake…”
“Not a chance!” Emma snapped. “Look, a lot has changed since Neal and I were together. I’ve matured and I’m assuming he has, too. But the only feelings I have for him are…well, they aren’t anything close to love, let’s put it that way.”
Hook nodded, trying to keep the happiness he felt about her declaration from showing on his face.
“I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this,” she said. “I guess I just needed to blow off some steam, and you happened to be available.”
“I’m very happy to oblige, Swan,” Hook assured her.
Emma shifted her gaze forward and saw they were rapidly approaching Storybrooke. “If you want to sail away once we get Gold’s body off the ship, I won’t stop you,” she said conspiratorially.
“Why, Sheriff, do you intend to set your prisoner free?” he asked, a teasing lilt to his voice.
“I’m just saying that since you don’t have any reason to stay in Storybrooke…”
“Ah, but I do have a reason, Love.”
Emma’s brow furrowed. “You do?”
“You promised to join me for dinner, remember?”
Her mouth dropped open. “Are you telling me you would give up your chance at freedom just to keep our deal?”
“A gentleman keeps his word, and as I told you atop the beanstalk, I’m always a gentleman.”
“You know I’ll have to lock you up as soon as you step foot off this ship.”
“And you know I won’t stay in that cell.”
“Seriously?”
“Pirate,” he said smugly.
“Are you going to dock the ship, Hook, or are you two going to keep making eyes at each other and let it crash into the pier?” Baelfire asked, his tone venomous.
“We don’t make eyes,” Emma said, rolling hers.
“Coulda fooled me,” he grumbled.
Hook began giving directions to the two of them, as he guided the ship into a berth. Emma was quick to follow, but Bae purposely lagged, earning him some sharp words from the captain.
Once the ship was tied off, Emma pulled out her phone. “I’m calling my dad. Hopefully, he can arrange transportation for Gold’s body as quietly as possible. I don’t want Belle to find out about his death until I get a chance to tell her.”
Hook and Bae stood on either side of her as she spoke to her father. When she ended the call, she looked from one to the other. “Are you going with me to talk to Belle?” she asked Neal.
“I thought you were going to take me to meet our son.”
“Not tonight. It’s late and he’ll be in bed.”
“But I…”
Emma angrily planted her hands on her hips. “Neal, if you want to meet him, you’re playing by my rules, got it?”
He stared at her for a few moments before dropping his eyes. “Fine. I’ll come with you to talk to Belle and wait until tomorrow to meet Henry.”
Pivoting to face Hook, she said, “You can stay on your ship tonight. If you’re still here tomorrow, I’ll deal with you then.”
“I look forward to it, Love,” he smirked.
If the look Baelfire gave him could kill, there would have been another body joining Gold’s on the deck.
*********
Hook lay in his bunk, staring at the ceiling of his cabin and replaying the events of the day. It should have been the most satisfying day in his long life. Milah’s murderer was finally dead and the darkness was permanently dispelled. Milah was avenged, her soul could rest. For the first time in hundreds of years, he should be able to sleep peacefully.
Then why was he so restless?
Oddly enough, the stabbing of Rumplestiltskin and his subsequent death weren’t foremost in his thoughts. It was his interactions with Emma Swan - every word, gesture and facial expression - which were keeping him awake. She was under his skin and he didn’t know what to do about it.
He felt guilty about the direction of his thoughts. Ever since that most horrible of days, he mourned his Milah and promised anew that he would love her until the day he finally died. Sometimes he sought female companionship, but it was only ever for a single night, never with the same woman twice, and never on his ship. He didn’t want to besmirch the love he and Milah had for one another by bringing another into their bed. Now, he was lying here, his mind filled with images of a lass whom he longed to know better and whose heart he had decided to win.
“I’m sorry, Milah,” he whispered into the darkness.
Knowing sleep was going to continue to elude him, he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Grabbing his flask off of the nightstand, he took a healthy swig and savored the familiar burn down his throat. Then he got up and lit the lantern on his desk. If he couldn’t sleep, he might as well read.
He gave up after ten minutes. Sighing, he slammed the book closed, then donned his leather duster and ascended the ladder. He walked the decks of the Jolly Roger, rubbing non-existent smudges from her highly polished railings, double checking that her sails were folded correctly, and trying to convince himself that she was the only love he needed in his life.
The problem was, his heart wasn’t listening to logic.
Sleep didn’t come until an hour before daybreak. Thankfully, he didn’t enter REM sleep, so he wasn’t able to determine which woman would appear to him in his dreams.
*********
It was almost noon when Emma made it back to his ship. “Still here, I see,” she called up to him from where she stood on the pier.
“I assured you I wasn’t going to leave.”
She eyed him critically. “Are you alright? You look like hell.”
“Why, thank you very much, Swan. How kind of you to notice.”
“I thought you would be the happiest person on Earth, now that you’ve finally gotten your revenge.”
He shrugged. “Perhaps the day was too stimulating to allow me to sleep well.” Seeing her about to speak again, he cut in. “Where is Baelfire this morning?”
Emma closed her eyes and shook her head disgustedly. “I already regret bringing him here. He’s driving me crazy, asking to meet Henry.”
“You haven’t introduced the two of them yet, I take it?”
“No. Henry was at Regina’s last night and was off to school before I woke up this morning. Neal thinks I should pull him out of school. I keep telling him I want the chance to talk to Henry first, but he’s really pushing it. I managed to sneak away from him while he and Belle were making arrangements to bury Gold.”
While she was talking, Hook was making his way down the gangplank to stand in front of her. “I have no doubt you will stand your ground against him, Love.”
“I know. It’s just…things were good between me and Henry since Mary Margaret and I got back to Storybrooke. Now I have to tell him I lied to him and I’m afraid he’s going to hate me.”
Hook’s mind flashed to Baelfire’s reaction when he discovered the drawing of Milah in the captain’s quarters. His words were full of hatred and betrayal. To this day, he hadn’t forgiven him. Hook certainly hoped Henry wouldn’t react the same way.
Hoping to divert Emma’s worries, he asked, “How did Belle take the news last night?”
“Just as you would expect; she’s devastated. She was relieved to know that Gold found his son before he died. We didn’t tell her Neal was furious with his father for killing his mother and refused to forgive him. I’m assuming Belle didn’t know Gold’s role in Milah’s death.”
“Do you think if she did, she would have ever become involved with the bloody demon?”
“No, probably not. Belle tries to find the best in everyone, but hearing that bit of news might have been too much for even her.”
“You told her the, uh, the circumstances of his death?”
“Yeah. Let’s just say you’re definitely not her favorite person. She’s still recovering from the gunshot wound you gave her and now you killed her boyfriend.”
Hook grimaced. Thinking of the Dark One as someone’s ‘boyfriend’ turned his stomach. Not wanting to think about Rumplestiltskin anymore, he changed the subject. “To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit this morning, Swan?”
“I have to take you back to jail. Everyone in town knows you’ve returned. Letting you go free after you shot someone isn’t going to sit well with them.”
“Even though I rid your fair town and the world of the Dark One’s power?”
“The people in town don’t know that yet. Belle isn’t planning to tell them until after Gold is buried. I’m sure the news will leak out soon. Until then, I don’t want Leroy running around town yelling, ‘Killer on the loose! Killer on the loose!’”
Reaching around behind her back, she extracted handcuffs and held them up between them.
“Again?” Hook sighed. “You’re really into this, aren’t you?”
“Standard procedure,” she explained. “Hand and hook behind your back.”
With a dramatic display of reluctance, he did as told. They walked down the pier and onto the beach, then over to the squad car in a moment of deja vu.
On the way to the sheriff’s station, Hook asked, “How is your father, Swan?”
“He has a headache and a good sized lump on his head, but he’ll be fine. You’re not his favorite person, either. In fact, you don’t have many people on your side in this town, which is why I figured you would take the opportunity to leave when I offered it to you.”
“There’s only one person I wish to have on my side, Love. I couldn’t care less about anyone else.”
She glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “You’re really adamant about having that dinner with me, aren’t you?”
“I would never have allowed the bloody crocodile aboard my ship if you hadn’t agreed to that. I fully intend to collect what is owed to me.”
“You might have to settle for Granny’s takeout in your cell, while I eat at my desk.”
“I believe the deal was dinner on my ship.”
“Yeah, well, you might be locked up for quite a while, depending on what Regina says.”
“What does Regina have to do with it?”
Emma pulled up to the station, put the car in park and turned it off. Twisting in her seat, she said, “We don’t have a court system in Storybrooke, so the mayor decides on punishment for crimes. That’s the way she set it up during the curse and we never changed it. Considering the fact you killed her mother, I doubt Regina will be lenient toward you.”
“Regina and I had…an understanding before the curse was cast. I’m sure she will consider that.”
“What sort of understanding?” Emma asked.
Hook leaned forward, putting his face close to the divider between the front and back seat. “Let’s just say we also had a deal. It took a while, but I finally kept my end of it.”
Emma’s eyes widened. “You made a deal with Regina to kill her mother?”
“The two of them never had what you might call a close mother-daughter relationship.”
“Just when I thought I heard it all,” Emma mumbled, unbuckling her seat belt and opening the car door.
After releasing him from the back seat, she walked him into the station, her hand gripping his elbow. Upon entering the main area, David rose from the desk, strode across the room and punched Hook in the face.
“Dad!” Emma yelled.
“That’s for the last time we met,” David said, shaking his hand slightly.
Hook licked his bloodied lip before replying, “I thought you might be a bit more genial, considering I brought your daughter home safely.”
“You knocked all the genial out of me when you hit me with that crowbar.”
Emma led Hook across the room, removed the cuffs, unlocked the cell and gestured for him to enter. Dabbing at his lip, he walked in, winking at her as he passed. It might have been his imagination, but he thought he detected the hint of a smile on her face.
She slammed the door closed, then turned as an afterthought. “I almost forgot. Give me your hook.”
“If you want to hold something, Love, I have a perfectly good hand,” he offered slyly, holding up his hand and wiggling his fingers.
She huffed, but he saw the corners of her mouth turn up again. “Just hand over the hook, funny guy.” As he twisted the hook out of the brace, she added, “And while you’re at it, give me whatever you used to pick the lock last time.”
“I thought you didn’t care if I escaped and sailed away, Swan.”
“You said you wouldn’t leave until I kept my part of the bargain.”
“Ah, yes, our dinner together,” he said, glancing toward David as he said it. His reaction to Hook’s statement didn’t disappoint.
“Your what?” he shouted.
“Calm down, Dad,” Emma said, rolling her eyes. “I had to make a deal with him so he would agree to bring Gold back to Storybrooke. It’s just dinner.”
“On my ship,” Hook contributed.
“On his ship?!”
Emma threw Hook a frustrated glare, before turning to her father. “I’ll say it again - it’s just dinner. And it’s probably not going to happen anytime soon. Regina will have to decide what to do with him. In fact, I need to go to her office to bring her up to speed.”
David checked his watch. “I’m supposed to be over at the cemetery in ten minutes to guard against anyone going in while they’re burying Gold.”
Emma sighed. “We probably shouldn’t leave Hook alone. Can you get Leroy to come over and keep an eye on him again?”
“Is that really necessary?” Hook asked.
David narrowed his eyes at Hook for several seconds before picking up the phone.
Turning back to Hook, Emma stated, “Guess that answers your question. Now, hand it over.”
With a dramatic sigh, he passed his hook through the bars into her waiting hand. She accepted it, then held up her other hand. He threw her his most charming smile, but she just tilted her head and speared him with another meaningful glare. Reluctantly, he reached into his pocket and removed the long hairpin.
As she accepted it, she asked, “Why do you have this thing, anyway?”
“As you can imagine, managing all of these buttons one-handed is quite difficult, so I use that to help pull them through the buttonholes.”
“I think you missed a few,” she murmured.
“Ah, so you’ve noticed,” he cheeked.
She turned away, but not before Hook saw the blush that colored her cheeks. With a satisfied smirk, he crossed the cell and took a seat on the cot.
David left before Leroy arrived, giving Hook some time alone with Emma. “Do you have a preference of what to eat for our dinner together, Swan?”
“You’re awfully presumptuous, thinking you’ll be out of jail anytime soon.”
“I did Regina a favor by killing Rumplestiltskin. I have a feeling she’s going to take that into consideration when she decides my fate.”
“People in town love and respect Belle. They won’t be happy if you get off scot-free for shooting her.”
Hook scuffed his boots back and forth on the floor. “I do feel bad for shooting the lass. I’m glad I only wounded her.”
“At least you’re remorseful,” Emma remarked.
Before Hook could respond, Leroy burst into the office. “I’m here, Sister,” he blustered. Walking straight up to the bars of the cell, he spouted, “No funny business. I’m watching you, Pirate.”
Hook stood and sauntered over to stand in front of him, “Yes, Dwarf. That should deter me from any malfeasance.”
“I don’t know how long I’ll be gone,” Emma said.
Leroy and Hook continued glaring at each other for several seconds, until Leroy broke eye contact to say, “Charming didn’t tell me why he isn’t able to be here. Is he out on a call?”
Emma and Hook exchanged a quick look. “Um, yeah. Something like that,” Emma mumbled vaguely.
“Well, as long as one of you is back by dinner time. Granny will run out of bacon for my burger if I get there too late.”
“It looks like you could afford to forgo dinner now and then,” Hook muttered.
“Behave yourself, Hook,” Emma cut in before Leroy got a chance to respond.
After she left, Leroy sat down and began swiveling in the chair, keeping an eye on Hook. “So, I’m assuming you followed Sheriff Swan to New York after you knocked out her father?”
“You must be the smart dwarf,” Hook said, resuming his spot on the cot.
“Then how are the two of you back, but there’s no sign of Gold? Did you leave him in New York?”
“I have no idea of the Dark One’s location.” He wasn’t technically lying. The darkness dissipated, but he didn’t know where it went.
Leroy crossed his arms over his chest. “You expect me to believe that?”
Hook shrugged. “It makes me no difference what you believe. I went to New York to ensure Swan’s safety and as you can see, I accomplished that objective.”
Leroy leaned forward, narrowing his eyes. “Are you sweet on the sheriff?”
Hook very deliberately laid down and turned toward the wall, his back facing the dwarf.
“Because if you are, you’re never going to get her,” Leroy continued. “Her parents and most of the town won’t allow it. She’s too good for the likes of you, Pirate.”
Hook closed his eyes, trying to go to sleep so he wouldn’t have to listen to the grumpy man any longer. It didn’t work. Even though Leroy stopped talking, the last words he said kept replaying themselves over and over in Hook’s mind.
She’s too good for the likes of you, Pirate.
*********
Word of Gold’s death did indeed leak out, and soon the entire town was aware that they were free of the Dark One forever. Besides expressing their condolences to Belle, they didn’t show any signs of sadness over his loss.
Neal was greeted with trepidation. Granny reluctantly offered him a room at the boarding house and reassured the townspeople that she would keep an eye on him. If he showed any inkling of being like his father, she wouldn’t hesitate to use her crossbow.
Regina stopped in at the sheriff’s station the day after the ship arrived back from New York. After telling David she needed to speak to Hook privately, she stepped in front of his cell and glared at him through the bars.
“Your Majesty,” he drawled. “Or should I say ‘Madam Mayor’?”
“Is it true you’re responsible for my mother’s death, Hook?”
“Where did you hear that?”
“Word gets around. Now answer the question.”
“Aye, Love. I finally carried out your noble request.”
“Once the curse was cast, the request was null and void.”
“I wasn’t made aware of any alteration in plans or any changes in your feelings toward your mother. Just because I didn’t do it when you initially sent me to do so, the result is still the same. Now don’t try to tell me you grieve her passing, or that you would have welcomed her to Storybrooke with open arms.”
Regina’s mouth tightened into a straight line before she answered, “You know I didn’t want her here.”
He gave a slight nod. “That’s correct, so I did you a favor. And another by killing Gold. I’d say you owe me, Your Majesty.”
“I suppose you think I should give you some huge reward,” she growled. “What’s your price, Hook?”
He rose from the cot and slowly moved to stand in front of her. “My freedom will do nicely.”
Regina’s perfectly groomed eyebrows raised in surprise. “That’s all you want? That doesn’t sound like the greedy pirate I know.”
He shrugged nonchalantly. “My life’s goal has been met. I have enough doubloons to last me for another three hundred years. What more could I possibly need?”
She crossed her arms and studied him. “If I grant your freedom, I assume you will leave town.”
“Never assume anything.”
“Why would you stay?”
Hook studied his fingernails. “I don’t believe my plans are any of your business.”
“I’m the mayor of Storybrooke. Everything is my business.”
He narrowed his eyes. “You might control your townspeople, but…”
“I brought lunch, Hook.” He looked over Regina’s shoulder to see Emma coming into the room, holding a brown paper bag aloft.
Regina heaved an exaggerated sigh and turned to look over her shoulder. “Didn’t your idiot father tell you I wanted to speak to Hook without being interrupted?”
“I haven’t seen David,” Emma replied coolly. “I’ve been out on patrol all morning. I’m happy to report no one is breaking any laws.”
“No one except him,” Regina said, jerking her head towards Hook.
Emma set the bag of food on the desk. “Well, he’s locked up, so I don’t think we’ll have to worry about him.”
“Apparently he broke out once before and he’s a pirate. Locking him up doesn’t guarantee he won’t break out.”
“He doesn’t have any reason to break out this time, do you, Hook?”
“Alas, no. All of my objectives have been met.”
“I still don’t trust him,” Regina said.
“You needn’t worry, Madam Mayor. Your sheriff is quite efficient,” Hook said. “She particularly enjoys using her handcuffs on me, don’t you Swan?”
He was satisfied to see her cheeks turn pink. She changed the subject by asking, “Have you decided on his punishment yet?”
“Perhaps she’ll sentence me to house arrest with you. Do you have a spare bed? If not, I’m willing to share.”
Regina looked back and forth between them, her mouth set in a firm line. “Miss Swan, if you don’t mind, I haven't finished speaking with your boyfriend.”
Hook suppressed a chuckle, as Emma’s mouth dropped open. “My boyfriend? Hook? What’s your problem, Regina?”
“My problem,” Regina spat, “is that you’re impeding my job.”
“Fine,” Emma shot back. “I’ll be in the other room, eating lunch. When you finally finish your job, let me know.” Picking up the sack, she turned on her heel and went into the small inner office, slamming the door behind her.
Seeing her stand up to Regina filled Hook with pride and more than a little desire. Emma Swan was fiery and fierce, just the way he liked his women.
With effort, he turned his attention back to Regina. She was drumming the manicured fingernails of her right hand on her left bicep. “I’m willing to bet one of your reasons for remaining in Storybrooke involves Miss Swan.”
“I would have never guessed you were one for gambling, Your Majesty.”
She glared at him as Hook stared back at her unflinchingly, plastering a bored look on his face. After nearly a minute, she called loudly, “Sheriff Swan, come out here!”
Emma emerged, chewing and rubbing her hands on her jeans. “You bellowed?”
“I do not bellow,” Regina remarked snarkily. “I’ve come to a decision about this prisoner. He needs to be punished for the attempt he made on Ms. French’s life. Therefore, I sentence him to one month in jail. By that time, maybe he’ll be ready to board his ship, sail away and be some other realm’s problem.”
With that, she spun around and walked out the door, heels clicking on the cement floor.
Emma watched her go, then turned to face Hook. “Looks like you’re going to be our guest for a while longer.”
“Aye, but at least my jailer is a welcome sight to behold.”
“You told me you won’t stay in this cell. Do I need to make sure someone is here to watch you around the clock? Because I’ll be damned if I’m going to chase you down every other day.”
“As tempting as it is to have you running after me, I give you my word as a gentleman that I will not escape.”
She narrowed her eyes as she studied him to detect any trace of deceit. Finding none, she said, “Don’t make me regret trusting you, Hook.”
He wrapped his hand around the bars of the cell. “You’re going to take my advice and try something new, eh Swan?”
Hooking her thumbs in the back pockets of her jeans, she shrugged. “You went all the way to New York to make sure I was safe, and didn’t leave when I gave you the chance. I guess you’ve earned my trust.”
Hood couldn’t keep the grin off of his face. The fact that she trusted him was definitely a step in the right direction toward winning her heart. He reached through the bars and twisted a lock of her hair around his finger, enjoying the silky feel of it against his calloused skin. “I’m very happy to hear that, Love.”
She was just opening her mouth to reply, when Baelfire entered the room. Hook’s eyes shifted to the other man, causing Emma to look over her shoulder. As soon as she saw Neal, she stiffened.
Bae stopped short when he saw how close the couple was standing. Then he saw that Hook had a lock of Emma’s hair wrapped around his finger and his face turned crimson.
“What’s going on here, Ems?” he blustered.
“Nothing,” she answered tightly.
“Doesn’t look that way to me. Looks like the fucking pirate is trying to seduce you, just like he did my mother.”
“Give it a rest, Neal. He’s behind bars and that’s where he has to stay for a month.”
“A month?” he shouted. “That’s all he gets for killing my father?”
“Actually,” Hook began, “that sentence is for shooting Belle French. Regina felt I did the town a favor by ridding it of the Dark One.”
“What the fuck? You’re just going to get away with murder?” Neal raged.
“Oh, come on, Neal,” Emma groaned. “You’re the one who said to just let your dad die. Now you want to act like the grieving son? I don’t buy it.”
He walked over to stand in front of the cell, looking back and forth between Hook and Emma. Hook untangled his finger from her hair and pulled his hand back. As much as he wanted to smirk at the angry man, he decided it was best not to add fuel to the fire. He didn’t want to put Emma in an even more uncomfortable position.
Bae turned his back toward Hook and tried to step between Emma and the bars. “Isn't it about time for Henry to come home from school, Ems?”
She heaved a sigh and turned to look at the clock on the wall. “School lets out in half-an-hour. Once my dad gets back to the station, I’ll leave to go pick Henry up.”
“Cool. I’ll come with you.”
Emma folded her arms over her chest and fixed him with a fierce scowl. Hook was quite happy not to be on the receiving end of it. “No, you will not. I’ve already told you that I need to talk to Henry first. I want to prepare him to meet you.”
“What’s there to prepare? You just say, ‘Henry, this is your father.’ What’s so hard about that?”
“For fuck’s sake, Neal! He thinks his father is dead!”
“Why the hell would he think that?” Neal yelled.
“Because that’s what I told him! I said you were a firefighter who died as a hero…”
Neal leaned forward until his face was mere inches away from hers. “What the fuck, Emma? Why would you do something so idiotic?”
Emma didn’t back away from him as she spoke through gritted teeth. “Would you rather I told him that his dad was a thief and a liar who abandoned me and let me go to jail for a crime he committed?”
When Hook saw Neal grasp Emma’s arms, he had enough. “Let go of her, Bae!” he demanded, reaching through the bars to grab the other man’s jacket.
“Stay out of this, Hook!” Baelfire shouted, jerking away from Hook’s grip, letting go of Emma at the same time. “She’s not yours to protect!”
“She’s not yours, either!” Hook shot back.
“That’s enough!” Emma exclaimed. “Neal, you need to leave. After I’ve had a chance to talk to Henry, I’ll call you. That is, if he wants to meet you today. If he needs more time to process everything, that’s what he’ll get. And you will agree to it, or you won’t meet him at all. Is that clear?”
“I came all this way and he’s my son. You can’t keep me from seeing him.”
“I can and I will if you don’t back off. Go back to your room at the boarding house and wait for me to call.”
Hook watched carefully to see what Baelfire would do next. If he continued to defy and bully Emma, Hook would find some way to get out of the cell and go to her aid.
After several more moments of glowering at Emma, Bae finally stomped out of the office, nearly running into David, who was on his way in.
“What’s wrong with him?” he asked.
“He’s demanding to see Henry and I’m making him wait. I need to talk to Henry first.”
David took off his jacket and hung it over the back of a chair. “I can understand his impatience. He just found out he has a son; it’s only natural to be anxious to meet him.”
“You’re taking his side?” Emma asked.
“I didn’t realize you two are on opposite sides. I thought you were, um…”
Emma’s eyes widened. “Do you think we’re together?”
“Well, you do have a child together and you just found each other again after so many years.”
She put her hands on her hips. “If I had my way, I would have never seen him again.”
David’s jaw dropped. “But Mary Margaret and I thought the two of you…”
“Well, you thought wrong!” she spouted, then angrily grabbed her keys and pushed past him.
He stood rooted to the spot, staring at the door through which she just disappeared. Almost to himself, he murmured, “I’m so confused. Why wouldn’t she want to…”
“Be with Baelfire?” Hook interrupted. “Have you ever asked your daughter about the father of her child?”
David turned around, the look on his face making it clear the answer to Hook’s question was ‘no’. Instead, he said, “That’s none of your business.”
“Perhaps not, but Emma did share with me what happened between them, and let’s just say she has good reason not to want to be with him.”
“Why would she tell you and not her mother and I?”
Hook shrugged. “I think she felt a bit…trapped by the whole situation of him coming to Storybrooke and she wanted to share her side of the story with someone. I just happened to be available.”
“Did he hurt her?”
“Not physically, but that’s all I’m going to say. It’s not my story to tell.”
David eyed him critically for several seconds, then stepped closer to the cell. “Let me give you a bit of advice, Hook. She’s never gonna like you.”
“Is that so?”
“Well, how could she? You’re nothing but a pirate.” With those words, he spun on his heel and walked away.
The cocky smirk on Hook’s face faded as he watched David go. For the second time in two days, he had been told that Emma Swan would never be with him because he wasn’t good enough for her. The one consolation he had was that neither time, it was Emma who said it. He would have to cling to the hope that she didn’t feel the same way.
*********
Hook didn’t expect to see Emma any more that day, so when she came into the station soon after he finished eating the meal Granny provided, he was pleasantly surprised. However, seeing the agitated state she was in, his pleasure soon turned to concern.
“I thought I was finishing out this shift,” David said.
“I know, but I figured you would want to spend the evening with Mary Margaret, and since Henry is staying at Regina’s…”
“What? Why is he doing that? I thought you were introducing him to Neal.”
“Yeah, well, let’s just say things didn’t go as planned,” she said sadly.
“Emma, if you need to…”
“Look, Dad,” she sighed, “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. I’ll be home in a couple of hours, okay? Maybe by then, I’ll be ready to tell you what happened.”
Hook thought David was going to argue with her, but after a few moments, he blew out a heavy sigh and said, “Okay. I’ll see you at home. Be careful.” After kissing her forehead, he gave Hook a warning look, then left.
Emma dropped into a chair, threw her head back and groaned.
“Alright there, Swan?” Hook asked.
She was motionless for so long, he thought she wasn’t going to answer. Finally, she sat up and put her head in her hands. “Not really. Henry is very pissed at me for lying to him. He had no interest in meeting Neal and insisted on going to Regina’s because he doesn’t want to be around me. Then when I called Neal, he went off on me, saying it was all my fault his son refused to meet him.”
“I’m sorry, Love.”
She didn’t reply. He felt helpless seeing her sitting there, looking so defeated.
When she finally stood up, she paced back and forth in front of his cell. “Why did I ever think I could do this? I know nothing about being a mom. I probably screwed him up for life. First I gave him away, then I lied to him about his father…”
“Emma, stop,” Hook said firmly.
She stood still, looking at him with tear-filled eyes. “It’s true.”
“No, it’s not. It sounds to me like you made a very courageous decision by giving him up for adoption. Bae abandoned you and left you with very little choice. As far as telling him Baelfire was dead, you had no idea Henry would have a chance to meet him someday. You wanted to spare him the pain of knowing his father was a bloody coward, just like his own father before him. In my opinion, there was nothing wrong with telling Henry he was a hero. It was far kinder than the truth.”
“He was so angry,” she whispered hoarsely. “He may never forgive me.”
Hook’s heart ached for her. “Come here, Love,” he said softly, stretching his hand out through the bars.
She shook her head, wiping at her eyes. “It’s okay. I’m fine.”
“Emma, look at me,” he coaxed.
Slowly, she raised her eyes. Even more slowly, she reached forward to place her hand in his. He gave a little tug to pull her closer. When she was near enough, he attempted to put his arms around her, frustrated that the cell bars were between them.
“This is stupid,” she said, turning her back and walking away. He almost groaned in frustration, until he realized she was pulling a set of keys out of the desk drawer. She approached the cell again, hesitating briefly before unlocking the door. After swinging it open, she stood uncertainly, shifting from foot to foot.
Hook stepped through the doorway and into her space. Locking eyes with her, he silently asked permission and upon receiving it, gently pulled her into his arms.
At first, her body was stiff and unyielding, but as he rubbed his hand and wrist up and down her back, she gradually relaxed and let him comfort her. “You’re a good mother, Emma. Henry knows that, and he will forgive you.”
“How can you be so sure?” she mumbled into his chest.
“Because I know first-hand how hard it is to stay away from you.” He heard her scoff lightly, but she didn’t say anything. He didn’t know how long she let him hold her, but he relished every second.
Finally pulling away from him, she said, “Thank you, Hook.”
Using his finger to lift her chin, he looked into her beautiful jade eyes and requested, “Will you please call me Killian, Love?”
She blinked, then gave him a small smile. “Okay…Killian.”
*********
Thank you for reading! The final chapter is probably about half written, so hopefully it won't be as long a wait for it.
Tagging:
@qualitycoffeethings @grimmswan @cs-rylie @wyntereyez @kmomof4
@hookedmom @ultraluckycatnd @paradiselady19 @xarandomdreamx @motherkatereloyshipper
@lfh1226-linda @pawshapedheart @vampcoffeegyrl23 @tiganasummertree @bluewildcatfanatic
@eleveneitherway @elfiola @kday426 @julieenchanted-swans @gingerchangeling
@andiirivera @djlbg @jonesfandomfanatic @snowbellewells @anmylica
@booksteaandtoomuchtv @cocohook38 @ilovemesomekillianjones @zaharadessert @lyssapup27
@undercaffinatednightmare @winterbaby89 @jennjenn615 @xsajx @jackieorioncat
@teamhook @soniccat @jarienn972 @softkilly @kymbersmith-90
@apiratewhopines @hollyethecurious @laianely @resident-of-storybrooke @exhaustedpirate
@caught-in-the-filter @stahlop @veryverynotgoodwrites @darkshadow7 @fleurdepetite
@whimsicallyenchantedrose @earanemith @superchocovian @idristardis @captainswan-kellie
@beckettj @killihan-jones
#exacting his revenge#jrob64#csff#chapter update#chapter 3#cs smut#cs fanfiction#birthday fic for krystal#ouat season 2 canon divergent#ouat fanfiction
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Ekko loves Jinx. He loves every side of her even if he can’t get the name right. He wonders why it’s a struggle to accept her as Jinx until she’s gone and it hits him.
Guilt. It’s guilt that made him unable to let go. It’s guilt for his people. If he accepted as Jinx, and loved her anyway, he would’ve been a failure to them. He wouldn’t have been able to look them in the eyes as he fought to protect them.
Powder’s still in there was code for I’m not a bad person for wanting her. It maybe why he was so angry he wouldn’t let him call her that. Jinx wanted him to remember her crimes. Jinx needed him to see her for who she was.
He gets why she stayed with Silco. He was an awful man but at least he cared for her enough to respect the person she wanted to be. Ekko had been ashamed to love her.
‘Hey, I know we were meant to have this big talk after the battle but I can’t. I’m tired of talking. We run around in circles. Powder, Powder you say and I say I’m Jinx and you give those big eyes and I feel shitty for being me and you feel shitty because I’m me. I can’t do that. So, I’m just gonna listen to Silco. I’m going to end the cycle. He came to me the other day talking about being brave enough to end cycles or some nonsense. He talks too much. I guess it’s finally time I listen. Kinda owe him one time seeing as I killed him.
Ekko, do you ever wonder what we could’ve been? I do. Not all the time. I’m not that crazy but I do. It reminds me of how fucked and jinxed I am and your stupid big eyes and I just can’t do this anymore. It would’ve been easier if you just killed me.
So, no big talk. Instead, I’m ending the cycle. I’m going to this place I heard about from Vander when he was still kicking around. Maybe if we met there things would’ve been different.’
Ekko.hates when he finds the letter stuffed in his things at the lab. He thinks how he thinks of it as their lab but it’s not. It’s all hers and she’s gone. Vi said she didn’t make it. He cries for what feels like hours. He leaves and can’t will himself back to their shared space.
He misses her so much. Everything reminds him of her. His feet take him back to their lab and he’s ready to mourn her all over again when he sees a letter that wasn’t there before. In large pink ink, the top read She Lives.
He flicks it open and the first lines make him chuckle. ‘I just can’t seem to die. So, the world is stuck with me. The world is stuck with me but that doesn’t mean I have to be stuck here. I doubt you’d like to come with. I’m scared you’d say no. So, I’ve gone on ahead. I’m going to check out this place here. If I miss you, which let’s face it, you most likely aren’t gonna come, I’ll leave a note on where I’ll head next. It’ll be like a game.’
Ekko hates how excited he is she’s alive. He hates the idea of not telling Vi or anyone. He tells Scar though. Ekko’s packing a bag and he tells Scar “she made it. I’m going. Things are covered here and ya got this and I’m going and-“
“Good. Go.” Scar understands. “Come back once you both are ready.”
“I… thanks.”
Ekko follows behind her. Some stops, he knows he just missed her. Everyone tells him stories about her and he reads her letters. He cries some nights looking them over. She leaves a photo behind for him. The back reads ‘look at me! I’m finally putting on some pounds. Maybe I’ll finally grow boobs.’ She looks beautiful.
Their messages are a one way street. She can talk to him but he can’t talk to her. It must be justice for all the times he shut her out when he wanted to speak to Powder and only got Jinx. Ekko buys a notebook on the way to the third town. He wants to write down his thoughts to share later with her.
It’s almost two years and he’s just missed her more times than he could count. He wonders if she’ll ever slow down enough to let him catch her. From her letters, it sounds like she’s scared he isn’t coming. He hates that she’s no faith in him. Of course he’s coming. He loves her.
It finally happens. He finally sees her in person and there’s no way she’s getting away, unless she runs. He really hopes she doesn’t run.
“Ekko.”
And that’s it. He’s never letting her out of sight again.
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It genuinely really sucks when I see so many people frothing at the mouth to admit being aro isn’t a real queer identity. Esp as someone who is both a lesbian AND aro.
I’ll agree, I face more discrimination as a lesbian. However, the lgbt community isn’t defined by our suffering and pain. It should be defined through queer joy and solidarity in the face of a society that refuses to accept us and making that society accept us!
I don’t want my queerness to only be valid when it’s bc of pain. And even then, being aro WOULD be valid. Because you wanna know what fucking sucks? Knowing I can’t reciprocate feelings. Knowing I’ll be called a heartless masc, awful like the rest of em, by women who will ignore that I won’t fall for them. Knowing I’ll probably be pushed to the back burner in relationships bc of you aren’t dating or married, you’re not a priority. Knowing my options and wants are limited bc a lot of lesbians want a cute, sweet romance - and I can never give them that, and they will never ever want me.
Yeah. No one’s gonna try to kill me for that - and I’m grateful! But shit, it separates me from so many damn people and relationships and options in ways being a lesbian doesn’t always. And again. I don’t want my queerness to only be valid by how many people want to fucking kill me. No offense, I’m not centering my identity on pain. I want to find the joy in it.
#dear diary#vent#arophobia#homophobia#not as much for that one but still it’s discussed#just need to get this off my chest#bc yes I won’t be attacked for being aro#but that doesn’t mean it’s not queer and there’s no disadvantages and pain involved#bc it’s not a fucking choice#its something I’ve had to learn to love and accept and it has not always been fucking easy#I hated it for a while#it was freeing but also felt like a death sentence#but I’ve accepted it and I love who I am#it was honestly a harder battle in terms of self acceptance than my lesbianism#which was harder to accept bc I just didn’t want to deal with my homophobic ass family (and still don’t ugh)#so yeah#obv I’m discriminated more for being gay but goddamn#THAT DOESNT INVALIDATE MY ARONESS
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ok but can we talk about the transition from being the weird unattractive girl/boy as a kid to suddenly being percieved as a hot gay person bc that shit is so jarring. but also like really wholesome? like wow I don’t have to conform to cishet expectations of attractiveness and actually people find me really attractive for the natural way I look and present myself. that’s so wild.
#inspired by a convo with a friend today lol#but also like. I so distinctly remember having this realization when I was like 13!!!#bc while I never felt ugly I WAS the weird nerd girl who got bullied a fair bit#and then one day a little while after coming out as bi I was thinking and suddenly was like.#wait a minute. I’m gay and I like girls with short hair. gay girls like other girls with short hair. I have short dyed hair.#I AM the cute girl with short hair!! woah!!!!!!!#it just opens up your world a bit yknow??? like there’s not just one way to be attractive#and also judging yourself only by the standards of the average cishet man or woman’s taste can make you feel so undesirable#but the way queer people love is so much more varied and accepting and it’s so freeing#anyways. I love entering my ‘wait holy shit I can pull’ era.#like I always knew I had it in me and I’ve always been confident but now it’s validated lmaooo#I always knew I was pretty as hell!!! I knew it!!! even if boys pretended to like me in order to bully me!!!
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if i don’t hit you up, i wonder how long we’ll go without talking?
#i’ve accepted that you won’t do what’s needed to be done to be together#and as painful as it is#i get it#i get that you don’t have the capacity to love me and meet me at my needs#because love isn’t enough#because if it was#we’d be together#but we’re not#i’m not a jealous person but i am jealous that you have someone who loves you the way you desire#i don’t have that#i don’t think i ever have#and maybe i never will#j
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vent
did not expect kissing and realizing i’m lowkey dating a guy to send me down an existential spiral of reminding me that i have only one life to live and then i am going to die without living any other different lives
#but i’ve been wasting time not exploring at all!!#doesn’t have to be a forever person it’s just an experience#but still#it’s really weird and idk!!!!#and if i date this guy fr i would have to like go on birth control probably and holy shit i do NOT want more medication#and what if i meet someone else?#i don’t exactly want to commit y’know???#but i’m halfway through my twenties and i don’t know how much time i actually have and if i think about it too long i hyperventilate#which WOULDN’T HAPPEN if i was just continuing on with being safe and alone!!#and what about women?? i love women!#but when i really love something or someone i go crazy about it#i lose myself#so maybe realistic and neutral is better?#am i neutral?#i don’t fucking know and my friends for the most part aren’t quite grasping what i’m trying to say#like yes i overthink and yes it might not be that deep to anyone else including the guy#but it NEEDS to be that deep. to me.#because that’s how my brain fucking works.#i don’t take shit lightly and i never have#that’s why i’m better off alone#or with people who are also deeply unchill#but this guy is so chill! and it does make me feel comfortable!#but it’s also like bro is this conversion therapy am i conversion therapying myself?#my entire identity for more than a decade has been based off being single and independent#and the lapses in that are times in my life that i see myself as unambiguously pathetic and embarassing#with men and women#i feel like a fucking unsocialized semiferal cat that wants affection but also doesn’t know how to accept it#and do i even want it? or is it want i know i should want or what would be good for me so im just slowly forcing myself into it?#it’s so much easier. so much simpler. to not have to freak out about this stuff.#sorry for venting i know it’s annoying it’s just fuck man…
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so. the dolls of my original characters. for now I’m only planning for Sol and Lazul and I’ve run into the problem of wanting them to have outfits that fit with their respective home planet’s fashions and also wanting them to match.
#and I’m kinda attached to the outfits I’ve already designed them.#so my choices are such;#cave and scrap one of the outfits#cave and accept they won’t be matching#or make them two outfits each#…#I don’t like my choices lmao#and as much as my excited adhd brain would LOVE to make two outfits for them#my rational brain who knows where that type of thing leads#Knows Better Than That#and so I’ll probably cave and scrap an outfit#even though I really really like the one I’d be scrapping :(#because seeing as these two characters are like literally married at one point#I’d rather prioritize matching over planetary style rep#anyway#experiencing the adhd symptoms#while knowing they’re the adhd symptoms#oof.#and I mean that lightly bc like??? I feel happy???#I don’t feel that existential dread and nothingness that I was feeling#I feel like I have energy again???#but also my thoughts are slippery (if they aren’t about these dolls)#and I am more impatient than I usually am#which. not a great thing. I’ve never really gotten a hang on patience.#but also???? im fucking hungry again???? I want to make food??????#love that for me!!!#oh and also the yapping is on full blast now too#in case the uptick in posts didn’t clue you in#or the increased tag commentary#so y’know. overall having a good time so far. we’ll see how that changes as time progresses!!
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You know, there’s something to explored in girls who cried to their mothers about feeling ugly and thinking no one wanted them; only to be met with ‘what can you do to change that’ and other solutions regarding weightloss or altering their appearance instead of being reassured that they’re the most beautiful girl in the world and anyone would be lucky to love them….
#and we should also look at the correlation between that and girls who never got romantic attention#and thus has resulted in beautifullly insecure girls who cannot see anything but room for improvement and loneliness#it was only until two years ago that my mum said I was pretty and cute#I’ve never been called beautiful in my life#it does stuff to a girl#on todays episode of am I aroace or so cripplingly insecure that it has ruined my capacity for accepting love
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u still have a vld main blog?? IN 2024??? godspeed brother, this was the fandom that made me join tumblr (and write a fic) AND the only show i never watched to completion. after all that happened i tried to scrub it from my blog and mind, so stumbling across blogs like urs is very bittersweet :'] have a nice new year!
BUDDY. You’re telling me. There is a reason one of my few consistent tags is #voltronlegendarysaltmine.
I also never finished the series. I stopped after season 6 because I was getting strong “the story no longer knows where it’s going” vibes—and let me tell you, I have never felt more like a genius than in the hindsight of that decision. Though I do have to say canon exceeded ally expectations of what a mess it could be. So. Good on them for that.
It would be nice my brain would hyper fixate on something more than 10 people still cared about, but alas. This stupid space family, and particularly Shiro, stole my soul and does not appear to be giving it back any time soon. So I make do by believing Voltron was tragically canceled after only 2 seasons and live in bright, bright world of aus.
#thanks for the ask!#honestly can’t quite tell if you’re impressed or feel sorry for me#both are valid really#not sure myself#I’ve just come to accept this is who I am and learn to love it
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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going on instagram in your early 20s is wild because there are people i went to high school with who are married, own a house, and are posting pictures of the baby they just had or others who travel the country spontaneously with their significant other. and i’m looking at these pictures while i sit in my childhood bedroom on a saturday evening, like nothing changed.
#sorry. i have moments when i’m completely fine with where i’m at.#but then i compare myself to others and feel like the worlds biggest loser.#i’ve made no friends in college. live laugh love.#i really just… don’t go out. and i genuinely don’t want to cause i’m introverted? so i should just be happy and accept that i’m okay.#but then i feel like i’m missing out? but the idea of ‘going out’ is so draining to me?#like i’ve never been a romantic relationship. and some days i’m okay with it and other days it really grates me. like it’s so lonely.#and i do not want to do dating apps and i don’t go out so it’s like 😀#and i have 3 friends who i love dearly#and a great relationship with my parents and sister#so it’s like i should be fine but i still feel like im behind and lonely and just so shitty#i am rambling and i probably shouldn’t post this but oh well#i hate it i hate it i hate it#i hate feeling this way#im fine#vent#more like pity party#amy.txt
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#I’m just gonna use this blog as a diary because. y’know. I already do. anyway#I don’t know what’s gotten into me recently but I just feel like. like I’m supposed to be ‘further along’ in my life than I am now?#and like. I know it’s bullshit because. the milestones I was told I would hit as I grew older have definitely not been predictable#they tell you you’ll get a job and a car and a significant other and you’ll get married and buy a house and have kids and grow old and die#and it’s like. that’s all we’re given to measure our lives by; these big milestones.. people are supposed to feel accomplished when they hit#but those things are just titles to chapters like. nobody tells us that there’s all this other plot happening between those pages#and so yeah I mean. it feels like I’m not on the right chapter and I really want to skip ahead but like#the truth is. I’m not even to the climax yet. I’m still in the lore-dump stage of ny story#and that’s been so hard for me to accept recently. I’m yearning to be in the chapter where I fall in love and get married#but that’s just it like. that chapter comes earlier in other people’s stories than it seems to be in mine#although I’ve fallen in love many times. I’m not at the ‘get married’ chapter. because it’s not the right part of the story yet#and sometimes I wish I could just find the author of my story and tell them HEY GET ON WITH IT ALREADY because things seem to be moving so#so slowly. and yet they’re moving so fast I simultaneously feel like I’m running out of time#like. why do some people deserve to have co-stars in their stories from almost the very beginning who stick by those protagonists and grow#together? What did I do in my last story to deserve such a lonely one this time around?#Why am I so unlucky that I have good close friends that stick by me and all I know how to do is hold them at arms length because I don’t#think our relationships are quite as deep as I feel that I need out of a relationship?#why is my story about desparately trying to find a place where I feel comfortable enough to belong and share myself with others#and hey. why am I not at that part of my story either?#and maybe it’s that I don’t do enough. as a protagonist my toxic trait is that I’m pathologically suspicious of others#if someone shows interest in me I’m suspicious of why. what are they trying to get from me. because in the past people have taken from me#without giving much back. and if someone wants to date me I’m immediately suspicious of their intentions.#because I’ve realised that there’s much more to being in a relationship than ‘you’re hot let’s fuck’. and I know that’s not what I want#I want to be at the part of my story where I can share myself with someone without worrying that they’re going to take more than I can give.#I want to be at the part of my story where I can trust someone with myself when I’m fragile and they can trust me with themselves as well#I want to be at the part of my story where my life slots together well with someone else’s; so well it just feels normal and right.#I want to be at the part of my story where…I know I could live without this person because we can both take care of ourselves but.#it’s just preferable to spend time and solve problems and exist *together*#and you’ll have to forgive me for saying so but I’ll need physical affection from that person whoever they may be#I feel like certain things are falling into place. I like where I am. now I want to set down roots. and I can’t. I’m not at that page yet.
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Haven’t been sleeping well because, and this is the stupidest reason, I’m so full of damnable longing. All I do is yearn and pine and want.
#I hate it!#I just want to fall in love!#not long distance. not through an app. I want to meet someone and be awkward and flirt and be messy and work for it.#I’m 35 now and I feel like I’m too old for that#which yeah I know sounds ridiculous. life goes on. I’ve got time. blah blah blah.#but I do wish I’d done the standard meeting and falling for someone in school and marrying young and having kids#all that milquetoast basic stuff#BUT IT’S NOT BASIC! I want that! I want that security and young love that just grows and grows!#can you imagine building that kind of connection with someone?#I know there’s plenty of valid criticisms towards marrying your high school sweetheart but come on… lemme dream a little#I don’t want to fill out applications online and trawl dating sites for someone!#I want the friends to awkward more than friends to maybe more to yes! please why did we wait I know you. I’ve known you. I accept you.#I want someone to know me and want me for who I am#aaaaaaaaaa I’m fucking foaming at the mouth#I can’t stop thinking about it and it makes my chest ache so much#and I feel like I’m too old for that! I have no social life! I’m not in school around other people! how could this even happen for me?#stupid!#😮💨… okay… calm down Ian… it’s cool. we’re cool.#I don’t want to sleep. I just want to lay in bed and imagine being in love all night.#gross. gross gross gross.#you can ignore this#goodbye forever#text
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