#but! the physicality of interacting with a book makes the experience so different for me - and for me it's something i prefer

[queenerdloser]

so i bought a record player and not to suddenly turn into this huge music snob or w/e the fuck but like. as much as i will die defending streaming music (bc there IS something to be said for having literally any music at your fingertips! digital downloads are valid! really fucking hate the way older millenials+ will complain about streaming like it destroyed music) like no one is wrong to say that there really is something different about physical music. like. turning records is different than streaming. putting a little cd in a cd player is different than streaming. something something the connection of physicality really does make the practice of interacting with art different. not better necessarily but different in a visceral way.

[handweavers]

something that comes up for me over and over is a deep frustration with academics who write about and study craft but have little hands-on experience with working with that craft, because it leads to them making mistakes in their analysis and even labelling of objects and techniques incorrectly. i see this from something as simple as textiles on display in museums being labelled with techniques that are very obviously wrong (claiming something is knit when it's clearly crochet, woven when that technique could only be done as embroidery applied to cloth off-loom) to articles and books written about the history of various aspects of textiles making considerable errors when trying to describe basic aspects of textile craft-knowledge (ex. a book i read recently that tried to say that dyeing cotton is far easier than dyeing wool because cotton takes colour more easily than wool, and used that as part of an argument as to why cotton became so prominent in the industrial revolution, which is so blatantly incorrect to any dyer that it seriously harms the argument being made even if the overall point is ultimately correct)

the thing is that craft is a language, an embodied knowledge that crosses the boundaries of spoken communication into a physical understanding. craft has theory, but it is not theoretical: there is a necessary physicality to our work, to our knowledge, that cannot be substituted. two artisans who share a craft share a language, even if that language is not verbal. when you understand how a material functions and behaves without deliberate thought, when the material knowledge becomes instinct, when your hands know these things just as well if not better than your conscious mind does, new avenues of communication are opened. an embodied knowledge of a craft is its own language that is able to be communicated across time, and one easily misunderstood by those without that fluency. an academic whose knowledge is entirely theoretical may look at a piece of metalwork from the 3rd century and struggle to understand the function or intent of it, but if you were to show the same piece to a living blacksmith they would likely be able to tell you with startling accuracy what their ancient colleague was trying to do.

a more elaborate example: when i was in residence at a dye studio on bali, the dyer who mentored me showed me a bowl of shimmering grey mud, and explained in bahasa that they harvest the mud several feet under the roots of certain species of mangroves. once the mud is cleaned and strained, it's mixed with bran water and left to ferment for weeks to months.  he noted that the mud cannot be used until the fermentation process has left a glittering sheen to its surface. when layered over a fermented dye containing the flowers from a tree, the cloth turns grey, and repeated dippings in the flower-liquid and mud vats deepen this colour until it's a warm black. 

he didn't explain why this works, and he did not have to. his methods are different from mine, but the same chemical processes are occurring. tannins always turn grey when they interact with iron and they don't react to other additives the same way, so tannins (polyphenols) and iron must be fundamental parts of this process. many types of earthen clay contain a type of bacteria that creates biogenic iron as a byproduct, and mixing bran water with this mud would give the bacteria sugars to feast upon, multiplying, and producing more of this biogenic iron. when the iron content is high enough that the mud shimmers, applying this fermented mixture to cloth soaked in tannins would cause the iron to react with the tannin and finally, miraculously: a deep, living grey-black cloth.

in my dye studio i have dissolved iron sulphide ii in boiling water and submerged cloth soaked in tannin extract in this iron water, and watched it emerge, chemically altered, now deep and living grey-black just like the cloth my mentor on bali dyed. when i watched him dip cloth in this brown bath of fermented flower-water, and then into the shimmering mud and witness the cloth emerge this same shade of grey, i understand exactly what he was doing and why. embodied craft knowledge is its own language, and if you're going to dedicate your life to writing about a craft it would be of great benefit to actually "speak" that language, or you're likely to make serious errors.

the arrogance is not that different from a historian or anthropologist who tries to study a culture or people without understanding their written or spoken tongue, and then makes mistakes in their analysis because they are fundamentally disconnected from the way the people they are talking about communicate. the voyeuristic academic desire to observe and analyse the world at a distance, without participating in it. how often academics will write about social movements, political theory and philosophy and never actually get involved in any of these movements while they're happening. my issue with the way they interact with craft is less serious than the others i mentioned, but one that constantly bothers me when coming into contact with the divide between "those who make a living writing about a subject" and "those who make a living doing that subject"

[vilecemetery]

other people have worded it better then me, but inej's assertion about having kaz in the without armor scene was clearly not just about emotional vulnerability. it’s a powerful line in the books and a nice metaphor for emotional intimacy, (something inej deserves from kaz) but let's not shy away from the fact that she also made it clear she meant physical intimacy, as her words were "fully clothed, gloves on, head turned away so our lips can never touch" 

this nuance is important to consider, as it reflects the depth and complexity of her feelings at the time. it’s ironic that for people who apparently care so much about inej’s boundaries, the fandom rarely pays attention to what she says. inej has flaws and virtues, some affected by different experiences she's had, and that affects her choices. her words aren’t any less hurtful because of this. she got kaz in a vulnerable moment and said something cruel. later she reflects on this and admits she shouldn’t be holding kaz to standards she can’t meet herself, and she likely said that to him in the first place because she lashed out about something that’s personally a trigger for her and she’s vulnerable about. they both have a lot of issues surrounding physical intimacy. 

that’s one reason why kanej is such a good ship- one of the most healthy, beautiful and nuanced relationships ever between two children who have been through horrific things, exploited, abandoned, and put in danger every day, who have found safety and friendship and understanding in each other. they aren’t going to be speaking super politely and using sensitive, respectful, inoffensive woke therapy speak at every second because that’s not their situation or their relationship and their interactions are raw and real. sometimes they make mistakes (kaz calling inej an investment, inej saying kaz wouldn’t be able to have her if he couldn’t touch her, etc) but they recognise and admit when they do and work through that. the beauty of their friendship lies in their imperfections and their capacity to learn from each other. the bare honesty they share is a testament to their growth, even when it leads to moments of pain or misunderstanding.

to suggest that holding inej to a higher standard and not acknowledging that her words could be perceived as hurtful is akin to ignoring the very human aspects of her character. it’s essential to recognize that she is capable of making mistakes or risk turning her into a perfect fandomised queen incapable of fault. her character's journey is not about being infallible, but about growth, self-reflection, and the courage to confront and overcome her fears. strong and resilient, yet also capable of causing harm, even unintentionally. 

there’s a phenomenon in fandom spaces but particularly the grishaverse where fans have an opinion of something and then deem everyone else’s as bad or wrong, going so far as to make posts calling out other people for having different analysis. literary discussions should encourage an environment where different interpretations are welcomed and discussed respectfully, not minimised and devalued for a more popular fandom take that’s often incorrect when compared with the text of the book anyway. it’s okay for inej to make mistakes and learn from them, just as it's okay for readers to have varied interpretations of their interactions.

[catherine-clover]

The longest list of anti-endo sources I've ever seen

While trying to find something else using Tumblr's infamous search engine, I came across this absolute gem:

NINE SOURCES!!! That's a record!! This is incredible!

@radpocalypse, listen. I am about to tear these to shreds, but before I do, I want you to know that you have my respect for not only compiling the longest list of sources I have ever seen an anti-endo provide, and not only doing so seemingly not directly prompted, but typing out every single link by hand, on mobile, without making a single mistake. Incredible work.

And also, to be completely honest, if I had nine sources supporting a belief, I almost certainly wouldn't look into them this closely. But, hey, that's what strangers on the internet with opposing views are for.

One more thing before the debunk: Endogenic systems do not claim to have DID etc. without trauma. They just don't. Whether it could be possible is often debated as an edge case, usually just to win an argument against someone of the opposing side, but really, it's irrelevant for 99% of the community. A good chunk are questioning OSDD based on later trauma, but as far as I am aware, no one on this website is claiming a completely endogenic plural disorder.

However, I don't want to dismiss entire pages based on this alone without further commentary, and it's a fun intellectual exercise regardless. So, whenever I use green text, I'm just playing Devil's Advocate under the premise of "If I was claiming to have DID without trauma (which neither I nor anyone else afaik is), would this source actually debunk that claim?" My syster will also occasionally pop in with purple, since she was cocon while I was writing this.

My dad just walked into my room and literally said "hey how it's going". You know, like. Like that one post. Amazing.

Anyway, civility established. Now come along with me on this long long journey of ten minutes of reading. Maybe put some music on in the background, if that will help you get through it. I had Near's Theme on while writing.

Here we go.

Link 1: McLean Hospital

Ok, main thing that caught my eye was

According to a 2010 Psychiatric Times article, only 5% of people with DID exhibit obvious switching between identity “states.”

Very interesting! Even with all of the "idk who's fronting" memes, 5% is really not that high. Though maybe online spaces like these help train the ability to identify it? The reference trail leads back to a book by Kluft but I don't really feel like going through dozens of pages for this. Definitely making a note of this though; I wonder if there have been any follow-up studies on this.

Not much to say here other than that. No mention of plurality outside DID.

DID is associated with long-term exposure to trauma, often chronic traumatic experiences during early childhood.

Dissociation—or disconnection from one’s sense of self or environment—can be a response to trauma.

Dissociative identity disorder—a type of dissociative disorder—most often develops during early childhood in kids who are experiencing long-term trauma. This typically involves emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse; neglect; and highly unpredictable interactions with caregivers.

Why "associated", not "is caused by"? Why "can", not "is"? Why "most often", etc.?

Why such weak language?

Not that it couldn't be weaker.

I vaguely remember McLean getting into some hot water regarding a video they posted about DID, but didn't find anything concrete. Half-remembered anecdote aside, the author seems well-qualified.

C-tier debunk of this position. It's not nothing but it could be a lot better.

Link 2: Psych Central

It occurs in women 9 times more often than in men.

Very interesting statistic, but no citation provided.

Alters can show striking differences. For instance, one alter may speak with a different accent or have a softer way of speaking. They might have different opinions or a different gender identity, and even physical differences — like left- or right-handedness, or the need for a glasses prescription.

That's quite a stark difference here compared to the McLean article. What happened to "alters aren't that noticeable"?

But whatever, these are just interesting tidbits. None of this has anything to do with endogenic plurality. Nothing like "this is the only way to be multiple", no comment whatsoever.

DID is usually associated with adverse experiences in someone’s past and traumatic memories.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a mental health condition with strong links to trauma, especially trauma in childhood.

Bruh. This again?

In fact, the American Psychiatric Association reports that 90% of people with DID have a history of childhood abuse and neglect, based on research from the United States, Canada, and Europe.

Bruh. Seriously? 90%? You know what that leaves, right?

According to your own source, 10% of DID systems are endogenic.

But let's break this down. There's a big difference between the system being endogenic, and the DID being endogenic. This statistic is specifically referring to childhood trauma.

The wording's plenty vague though. This can absolutely be read as completely endogenic DID.

One review article from 2017 about the causes of DID noted that there was relatively little research on the condition to date.

The authors said researchers hadn’t yet investigated potential genetic and epigenetic factors. With epigenetic factors, the experiences and behaviors of your parents and ancestors can influence the function of the genes they pass down to you.

The authors of the review said scientists needed to do more research to investigate whether a person with DID might carry genes that can influence if they develop the condition or not.

This is particularly promising because studies have already shown that genes can influence dissociative disorders in general.

So you're telling me DID might be able to be passed down one or two generations? Wow. Again, this still has nothing to do with endogenic plurality, but I'm really glad I decided to play with this second angle, because it's so much more fun. We're certainly not at intentional self-inflicted DID here, but we are at this point a long way from certainly needing childhood trauma in all cases.

And also the reviewer is a military psychiatrist who specializes in ADHD. So uh. Not bringing our best here.

Link 3: Mayo Clinic

Gotta love an article that's nice and short. This is just a brief summary of a bunch of dissociative disorders. Again, nothing about endogenic plurality.

Starting to run out of things to say about this. This whole post could probably be a fifth the length if I didn't feel like playing on hard mode.

Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder involves "switching" to other identities. You may feel as if you have two or more people talking or living inside your head. You may feel like you're possessed by other identities.

Each identity may have a unique name, personal history and features. These identities sometimes include differences in voice, gender, mannerisms and even such physical qualities as the need for eyeglasses.

Hey, that reminds me of someone.

There also are differences in how familiar each identity is with the others. Dissociative identity disorder usually also includes bouts of amnesia and often includes times of confused wandering.

Again, McLean looking really odd with its declaration of DID's covertness against great detail like this. However, its author is so far the best qualified. This one just says "Mayo Clinic Staff". Can't even know which of them worked on this. Some of them are psychs, but if any of them specialize in dissociative disorders, it doesn't say so.

Dissociative disorders usually arise as a reaction to shocking, distressing or painful events and help push away difficult memories.

I won't bother quoting even more wishy-washy language because this post is already at an ungodly length (about 1300 words so far) and we're barely a third done. But yeah, suffice to say, no nail-in-the-coffin 100% link to trauma.

Link 4: Rethink

We are a trusted information creator and accredited by the Patient Information Forum (PIF).

Their bold, for once. That's an alarm-ringing corporate phrase if I've ever seen one. Also, first thing on the PIF's website is "balancing the risks and benefits of AI in the production of health information". So this article might've been written by GPT. Awesome. And yeah, a lot of this whole website looks to me like a bunch of interconnected pages with stupidly long articles written by stitching together LLM generations. Does pass GPT0's test though.

This one is so long. I'll take the ten minutes to read through every word, which I don't think @radpocalypse did, just to make sure there's nothing here, but one thing that does catch my eye scrolling down to near the bottom is that they misspelled their first citation.

A quick look at this Carolyn Spring shows a lot being sold and credentials nowhere in sight. Awesome.

So already I don't need to read this. The information here is not at a high level of trustworthiness. It's maybe better than nothing, but seriously, one can and should do better. But I'll read it anyway, just for bonus points. Thanks to AccelaReader for making this bearable.

Many people will experience dissociation at some point in their lives. Lots of different things can cause you to dissociate. For example, you might dissociate when you are very stressed, or after something traumatic has happened to you.

Some of the symptoms of dissociation include the following:

You may have clear multiple identities.

It‘s important to remember that you could have the symptoms of dissociation without a dissociative disorder.

So according to this, multiple identities can be caused by intense but non-traumatic stress, and might not necessarily be a disorder. So, while I admit this is a little bit of a stretch, we're four links in and this is the first mention of plurality in general, so I'll take it. One point for endogenic plurality. (And again, none of this really matters anyway because this is the worst source so far.)

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is sometimes called ‘Multiple Personality Disorder.

If you have DID you might seem to have 2 or more different identities, called ‘alternate identities.

Two missing closing quotes. Really not a good sign.

They suggest that DID is caused by experiencing severe trauma over a long time in childhood.

Aha! Finally, something concrete against endogenic DID! Too bad it's buried in the worst source yet. If we believed we had DID, we would absolutely not reconsider that based on a sketchy webpage with suboptimal syntax and no credentials.

Ugh, finally done with that one. What a slog.

Link 5: DID Research

Aha! The infamous psych student's blog! That's what Sophie said, anyway. Not taking her word for it though. Let's see what we can find here, independently.

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is the result of repeated or long-term childhood trauma

Why wasn't this first? First sentence, so crystal clear. No two ways about this, transDID destroyed right out of the gate.

DID cannot form after ages 6-9 because individuals older than these ages have an integrated self identity and history.

Why wasn't this first? It's so plain, so refreshing after four pages of strategic ambiguity. Nothing left here for green. But still no mention of non-disordered plurality.

The author is impressively credentialed but doesn't seem to specialize quite near this area. She's certainly better than most, high above any random Tumblr user talking out of their ass, but the good stuff would be to get a DID specialist to explicitly spell out that endogenic systems are not possible.

Also should make note of this big fat legal disclaimer:

While the author strives to make information on this website as complete, reliable, and accurate as possible, the author makes no claims, promises, guarantees, or warranties about the accuracy, completeness, or adequacy of the contents of this site and expressly disclaims liability for errors and omissions in the contents of this site.

If we did claim to have DID, this would rattle us a little but could ultimately be brushed aside.

Link 6: SANE

As usual, literally nothing about endogenic plurality. I'll just greenmode this.

The majority of people with DID have been through severe trauma in early childhood

And now back to our regularly scheduled nondefinitive language.

Fun fact: highlighting text on this website turns it invisible. Awesome.

A person needs to meet the following criteria to be diagnosed with DID:

- Two or more distinct identities or personality states, each with its own way of thinking and relating. - Amnesia and gaps in the recall of everyday events, personal information or traumatic events. - The experiences are not part of normal cultural or religious practice, or part of childhood imaginary play. For example, a child having an imaginary friend does not mean they have DID. - The symptoms are not because of substance abuse or other medical conditions.

Ah finally, a direct quote from the good ol' DSM. Notice the lack of a trauma requirement.

Funny enough, using only these criteria in isolation, we actually would count as having DID due to our grayout memory gaps when switching. DID is also listed in the dissociative disorders section of the DSM, not the trauma disorders section, so there is no implied criterion there either. However, there still remains the universal criterion of distress, which we do not fulfill. We are quite happy with ourselves.

DID is caused by severe childhood trauma, such as physical, verbal or sexual abuse.

Well, which is it?? Is it a majority association or a direct cause? Why the contradiction? Or is the emphasis on early childhood trauma?

Eh, whatever. Point is, green is once again shut down. But there is still no mention of endogenic plurality anywhere here!!

And no indication of who wrote this article, though the citation for direct cause is a dissociative disorder specialist. Does he actually say that in the cited paper, though?

Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is multifactorial in its etiology. Whereas psychosocial etiologies of DID include developmental traumatization and sociocognitive sequelae, biological factors include trauma-generated neurobiological responses. Biologically derived traits and epigenetic mechanisms are also likely to be at play. At this point, no direct examination of genetics has occurred in DID. However, it is likely to exist, given the genetic link to dissociation in general and in relation to childhood adversity in particular.

I hope you have a dictionary on hand. That sure is a lot of big words that aren't in Firefox's built-in spellchecker. Still, after making sure I got everything, it's clearly not so cut and dry here. And we're back on the "it could be genetic" point.

Tangentially related: I do like the dismissal of the iatrogenic model on the basis of the brain scans.

Neurobiological differences have been demonstrated between dissociative identities within patients with DID and between patients with DID and controls. Given the current evidence, DID as a diagnostic entity cannot be explained as a phenomenon created by iatrogenic influences, suggestibility, malingering, or social role-taking. On the contrary, DID is an empirically robust chronic psychiatric disorder based on neurobiological, cognitive, and interpersonal non-integration as a response to unbearable stress.

Anyway, we're not even on the original page anymore, so I'll call it here. No mention of endogenic plurality, and the citation that claims to dismiss endogenic DID doesn't.

Link 7: NAMI Michigan

While the causes [of DID] are unknown

I'm tired. Aren't you tired?

Treatment for DID consists primarily of psychotherapy with hypnosis.

Yeah I'm calling BS on this one

And no citations on this entire page, nor even the author's name.

Statistics show that DID occurs in 0.01 to 1 percent of the general population.

Research has shown that the average age for the initial development of alters is 5.9 years old.

No sources listed. This is definitely the worst link. Literally on the same level as a rambling Tumblr user in terms of credibility.

Doesn't matter that it says

This disorder is believed to be triggered by physical or sexual abuse in childhood

Couldn't even get this dogshit source to be firm.

This one gets an F.

Link 8: The Psychology Practice

Got scared for a moment there that it said ai. No, that's AL, a name. Also this was written in 2022, so we're definitely safe. Can't actually find any other info on this AL character, but at least we can look up the co-author.

Hm, can't find anything on her, either. Well, at least this is a step up from the previous link. Let's see what it has to say.

According to the Dissociative Identity Research Organisation (2018), DID is formed in childhood due to repeated trauma in early childhood (before age 10) before the personality is fully integrated.

I do like that these later links are direct with this. They don't seem to have a citation for that DIRO, though. Unless...

No. Oh no.

Ok, so this one was written by a couple of clowns who definitely didn't do their homework. Cool. I'm getting tired of humoring awful sources like this, so moving on to the grand finale.

Link 9: NAMI

Wait, this is the same group behind the zero-citation article from Michigan! But that was just Michigan. Maybe the main site can do better.

Ugh, it's just another list of dissociative disorders instead of DID specifically.

The symptoms of a dissociative disorder usually first develop as a response to a traumatic event,

Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired?

Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices.

Often? Wow. Sure is a far cry from 5%.

Dissociative disorders are managed through various therapies including: - Psychotherapies such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) - Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) - Medications such as antidepressants can treat symptoms of related conditions

No mention of hypnosis, allegedly the primary method of treatment?? (/sarc)

and there was no mention of plurality being exclusive to dissociative disorders

Oh, and no listed authors either.

So, after three thousand words of analysis, all we've come up with are nothing burgers, dogshit, and dogshit nothing burgers. Out of nine links, only one briefly and indirectly touched on endogenic plurality, and it was in favor. Even the argument against the traumaless DID strawman is weak at best. These sources are bad, to put it lightly.

@radpocalypse, if you're reading this, firstly, thank you for powering through your ADHD and dyslexia to read thousands of words dunking on your masterpiece. Secondly, if you have any more sources that you think are backing you, feel free to send them my way. Just uh, maybe read them more closely next time?

And that goes for everyone here. If you think you have a better source, or if I made a mistake or missed something here, I am open to correction. I am open to the idea that I'm wrong and I have some unknown trauma to work through, but I certainly won't go digging unless I have good reason to believe it's there, and I haven't seen any good reason. And if you haven't either, maybe it's time to reconsider your position.

One last thing before I go.

Have you ever actually seen a pro-endo carrd, let alone one cited in standalone? I haven't.

Here's a much longer list of much better sources than yours supporting endogenic plurality compiled by the traumagenic Guardians System. I don't expect you to read anywhere near the whole thing; just pick a few links at random. And yes, while many of them are peer-reviewed papers, some of them are Tumblr posts, but those Tumblr posts cite peer-reviewed papers, so it's all good.

Thanks for reading.

[lycheedr3ams]

König Character Analysis (Part 1)

*image reposted with permission

Part 1: His Past | Part 2: König's MBTI

the first installment of a multi-part character analysis for our beloved König

to convince you guys i know what I'm talking about, just look through my blog at my könig posts. I am confident that I have grasped most parts of his personality and backstory, but I will acknowledge that some of it may be projecting. obviously we do not know much about him, which is the point of this series. i also relate a lot to him

discussion of my interpretation is welcome in the comments, and if you disagree, there's no need to be hateful. he is, at the end of the day, not real

TW: bullying, social anxiety, other mental health disorders

We have very little information on könig's life before the military. his bio includes one sentence, just one, about his past:

König suffered from severe social anxiety throughout his life, often being bullied during his childhood.

while this information alone isn't striking, when put into more context of other parts of his bio, it says:

While he hoped to join as a recon sniper, his physical size and his inability to stay still made him an unsuitable candidate.

focus on those words: his inability to stay still. this crucial bit of information, tied to the fact that he was often bullied, leads me to conclude that könig has ADHD. not being able to sit still is not a stereotype, it is a real fact of life for those with ADHD, me included. people with ADHD are bullied much more than neurotypicals (people without ADHD, autism, etc). while each source is different, it is estimated that children with ADHD are 4-10x more likely to be bullied.

it is no wonder why bullying would cause social anxiety, since most of könig's interactions with his peers were negative. as someone with social anxiety, it is horrible. not knowing what to say or how to act, you end up either completely misreading the social context or not saying anything. either way, you can never win.

additionally, children with ADHD receive up to 20,000 more negative messages from parents and peers in their childhood than neurotypical children. because of this, it is common for people with ADHD to also be extra sensitive to rejection, and it can be so strong in some that a new term has been coined called "rejection sensitive dysphoria." research on this issue has revealed that 99% of people with ADHD also have and experience rejection sensitive dysphoria. therefore, it makes sense to conclude that König also experiences rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd)

an aside on rsd: this isn't just feeling hurt when you're rejected by a crush or feeling sheepish or embarrassed you're scolded at work or school. rsd episodes make you question your entire life, your personality, your worth, and for many can even lead to suicidal thoughts just from a small incident of rejection. it can also lead to the person having low self-esteem, and they are also more likely to perceive rejection even when it is not there. it is an intense and overwhelming experience that no one should have to go through, yet people with ADHD experience it often

so, we've established, based on the evidence i've provided, that König has ADHD, social anxiety, and experiences rsd. i would say that i can't even imagine what König's childhood was like, but sadly I can since i too have adhd and was bullied. being mean is never okay, and bullying is not cute or quirky or sassy. bullying is when someone kicks your books across the floor, steals and destroys your belongings, when they spread false rumors, make fun of you, laugh at you, when they give you mean faces when you ask questions in class, when your only friend is the other "weird" kid who also has ADHD. it's when your teachers constantly criticize you and you get in trouble for every little thing. it's when you just wanted a friend and everyone else knew how to socialize, but somehow, you didn't. being bullied while also having ADHD is an experience i wish on no one. yet könig went through this. just sit with that for a minute. the big scary military man we love was also a child once, and went through this.

sorry to depress you guys, but this is the reality of his character. i firmly believe that könig has ADHD and experiences rsd despite his untouchable and stoic demeanor, and you're not gonna change my mind.

so, that's the end of the first installment. keep your eyes out for more, cuz trust me, there's gonna be more. (also don't forget to sign up for my taglist if you want! link is on my masterpost)

taglist: @osteawb, @sleepystaarr, @vvampir3s, @simpxinnie, @majocookie, @sharkyyyyyyyyyyyy, @marysdelrey, @kybeth5, @chaos-on-stand-bi, @shannonswizzies, @arcadia509, @bloodstoneruby, @cumikering, @skystreamchan, @junkratssheila-09, @kit-williams, @tangerynsbaby, @dreamdiaries777, @royalbxstxrd, @non-satanic-panic, @theweirdchick, @kiyomisan, @maylif, @mortimoshi, @eneiss

[shastafirecracker]

I've been feeling some kinds of ways since I finished Jedi: Survivor so I'm going to ramble some thoughts that other people have probably already had, about something that blew my mind as an extraordinary example of medium-as-storytelling. big honkin spoilers for Je:Su below.

So, "turning to the Dark Side" in SW is usually going to be a plot beat in the two primary forms that SW media takes, right: visual (movies, TV) or written (all the books, but also in fanfic). In both cases, as the audience, you're largely going to have to take the author's explanation for how it feels, why a character is doing it, and what the motivations are behind it. Even in visual media you're more likely to be told than shown, since it's established as an extremely internal, feelings-based experience for the characters. Because it's not a process replicable in real life, storytelling explanations for the difference between how light and dark side Force usage feels is going to have to rely on metaphor, and on the audience's willingness to engage in pathos. Which, to be fair, audiences are famously great at! There's been mixed results in SW media, but it's perfectly possible to make turning to the dark side a very engaging story beat that feels emotionally real and justified.

Then, there's interactive media. I'm fascinated by the storytelling potential of narrative games because of the different way they demand that the audience engage with the story, right, the way that physiological input from the audience changes the connections that the brain makes to the input it's receiving. The way having to press a button to make the next action happen manipulates the lizard brain into believing itself the cause of the effect, even though the forebrain understands that the story is just as predetermined as a published novel, so the button push is really not very different from a page turn. It's a potent tool for manipulating the audience's emotions and engagement, very easy to fumble but pretty mindblowing when executed well.

There were definitely moments in Survivor when I was like "ok am I going to be allowed to actually play this game some day" when control kept being taken away from me in favor of cutscenes. But as the story went on and I got into it, I stopped minding the times when my thumbs were still, and barely noticed the transitions between "I am making this happen" and "I am watching this happen." That's good narrative game storytelling, for sure. But it still felt like a good story that happened to also be a good video game, not quite meshing the two in a meaningful way. Until Nova Garon.

A lot depends on how you play this, I'm sure, but in my case I pressed through the end of the game from the last Dagan fight to credits in one sitting. Because of how tired my hands were from the physical demand of the Darth Vader fight, and because I had been maining blaster stance for much of the game, I made a semi-conscious choice when I reached Nova Garon to use my saber as little as possible. I one-shotted a lot of unarmored officers from across rooms, having decided that Cal felt cold with rage and tightly coiled, so it would make sense for him to not even give these people the honor of being killed by a lightsaber. So I'll grant you that I was adding my own hot sauce to the delicious angst recipe the game had already made for me.

Then you get to Bode and have a really long cutscene that doubles down on the idea that Cal's anger is, at that moment, cold. He's tightly restrained. For several back and forths in the conversation he even still tries to be neutral in front of Kata.

So, for me at least, it REALLY fucking worked as a storytelling move when Cal explodes. Bode runs off, you chase, and the very first thing you're faced with is a room packed with a comical amount of enemies, the kind of melee scrum you've been trained by the mechanics for the whole game to approach with a whirlwind lightsaber freakout using either double-bladed or dual stance, ideally using Slow to buy some time. I had truly played into the game's hands like a fool here because I only had blaster and single stance as options at the time. So I'm looking around my screen in that split second, considering my stance and Force and slicing options, prepared for punishment, barely registering the notification scroll on the right side of the screen because a whole bunch of new databank entries get dumped by the Bode cutscene - the last one of which is, iirc, 'Kata Akuna.'

So Kata Akuna fades upward and is replaced by the same size white text, relatively small, suggesting a button press to you, like it's done a dozen or more times before to say stuff like 'press O to dash' or 'press R1 to tame the creature,' relatively benign things that are always very useful tools that you use over and over and over as soon as you gain them. Except it says 'press [button command you already know and have internalized as your most powerful Force tool with the longest cooldown, which you were just thinking about using] to have Cal embrace his darkness.'

And like, the phrasing is fascinating to me there. It's always fascinating to me how anyone talks about playing a video game, anyway, like "I just beat Ganon" or whatever instead of "Link just beat Ganon," because of course you feel ownership of the actions of the protagonist of a piece of interactive media in a way you rarely feel ownership of the actions of anyone in a book or movie. Previous button instructions in this same game have said 'press [blah] to do [thing]' without a given addressee, leaving the player to probably interpret that, unconsciously, as the unspoken 'you' that is typical in English grammar. 'You press O to dash.' 'You press R1 to tame the critter.' But - 'press [dah] to have Cal embrace his darkness' is so - unsettling and offputting, separating you, player, from Cal, protagonist - and it's occupying a VERY important space because the buttons its asking you to press are ones you already probably wanted to press, but instead of doing the thing you wanted it to do it's going to do some kind of new, horrible, unknown thing that is almost certainly going to be bad for Cal.

Then you press it, because you have to, and it's the best fucking shit that's ever happened to you, the player. It jumps your level by 10, instakills half the people in the room, makes you fast and powerful and nigh unbeatable. Depending on what difficulty you've been playing on, it may make a combat encounter that looked like a surefire several-deaths-in-a-row run into something as trivial as a roomful of bugs. It lasts an insanely long time. It's godmode. It's a broken mechanic. It makes your screen bleed. The unbridled glee that you, the player, probably feel while killing that room full of people is at stark odds with the circumstance you are in, storywise, because you are supposed to be feeling grief and rage and driving urgency to hunt and catch your fleeing enemy. But instead you have a moment in this room of, if you're like me, hooting and hollering while doing a big old war crime, just because it's suddenly easy and fun.

It took me a couple more 'embrace the darknesses' to realize that Cal only has one stance in that mode. Anything you've learned before is thrown away - earned skill ditched in favor of brute strength. And I didn't really care? Even though I did really enjoy how skilled I had gotten with my favored stances, because the combat in Survivor feels really good, and also I knew they'd be back after no more than 2 minutes in dark side mode. So even though I didn't get to do the moves I'd spent so long mastering, every 'embrace the darkness' was a little indulgence of having my cake and eating it too. It started to feel like an insta-win mechanic against any enemy of a low enough level, and a safety/turtling mechanic against slightly more difficult ones. I wanted to trigger it as soon as the cooldown ended even when I didn't need to, just for the fun. I felt safer having it available.

And all of that - as a mechanic - is the single most compelling depiction of the Dark Side that I've ever seen in a piece of SW media.

The way it shows up as an understated suggestion in your periphery. The way it cuts through every Gordian knot in front of you. How fun it feels, how unfair it feels, how safe it feels to have it on your side. As a game mechanic it places the audience in the position of actually feeling what before only metaphor could attempt to describe - the way turning to the dark side is all about letting go and letting loose. Being a nuclear reactor mid-meltdown. Laughing and button-mashing and going "oh no, oh shit, I shouldn't be doing this" but not stopping. And also, as the player, your mind is not clouded by any mysterious outside control - you're aware of what you're doing, you're aware you're making choices here, you could definitely stop using the mechanic after the first instance where the game has to put a finger on the scale for a moment to teach you the controls. And maybe you do make that choice, idk how you play. But you get through the massacre and at the end when Merrin asks Cal not to kill one last person, and Cal agrees, it doesn't feel cheap? It doesn't feel like Cal 'snapped out of' anything. It doesn't feel like there was anything for him to snap out of, because he, like you, has just been making these choices for room after room of enemies, and frankly no one's been around to ask him to stop before now. He still seems reasonable, and so a reasonable request by someone he cares about still reaches him.

The Dark Side isn't the grief, pain, suffering, anger, etc. It's the release from those. And this one moment of a game mechanic explains that so powerfully and succinctly, in a way that other mediums can't replicate. It's one of the the best uses of a medium in the service of the story since House of Leaves. It's still making me have to lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling weeks later.

There's more to say about how the menu screen changes once Cal's embraced his darkness, altering his internal landscape in a way that doesn't change what you have access to but which can never be unseen. About how 'Slow' as a mechanic is gone forever, the most powerful Force ability Cal had just eradicated by an imposter version (a better version, the insidious inner voice wants to say). About the dramatic, overwhelming way the game chooses to command you to embrace your darkness next time, when the whole screen goes red and black. And the phrasing is different there, too, not 'have Cal embrace his darkness' but just 'embrace the darkness,' because this time you and Cal are not being treated as semantically separate entities. The first time, it's like maybe Cal wouldn't want to, so you, player, have to be the little Sithy whisper in his head that makes him do it. But the second time, Cal wants to do it so badly that his desire to embrace the darkness overpowers your, player's, agency to attempt to make any other choice. Even if you could have won that fight another way, Cal didn't want to win that fight any other way. He takes away your UI until you free him into his darkness, release him from his complex suffering into the simplicity of power.

It's just so fucking good, okay. It's such good storytelling, structurally. The way the player's choices and Cal's actions are on a surface level one-to-one correlated but actually form this intricate internal conversation. Using the most important thing a video game can be - fun - as a tool to describe a very dark place that anyone might go to internally, whether in a reality with space magic or not. But! Not by doing the thing that's been done before, the old "you [consumer] should feel bad because your act of consumption made the characters feel bad" fourth-wall-breaking meta thing that shames the reader for being entertained by others' pain (aka experiencing pathos, an extremely normal and not-shameful thing for humans to do). Survivor uses the audience's enjoyment of the medium against them narratively, in a gleeful and not-shaming way I don't think I've seen from media before, and I love it.

anyway I have no big conclusion here, I just am a writer who gets impressed when other writers do good writing. props to Respawn for making me writhe in my feels.

[lobotomy-lady]

How did you figure out you were autistic? I know this is gonna sound ignorant because I am ignorant but from my very limited interactions with those on the spectrum you act pretty differently. You are heavily sarcastic and seem to understand when someone is joking in your asks versus not even over text. Idk. I know there's like levels and stuff but you seem pretty socially aware and funnier than most so now I'm just like what makes you different from a neurotypical? I tried googling about autism and it seems a lot of high functioning people have like sensory issues and are picky eaters but like, is that it ? Just curious

I am not self dx so I never "figured it out", I was diagnosed aspergers (back when that was the dx for high functioning tism) when I was 6, my mom took me to a psychiatrist. at that time I was selectively mute-ppl at school thought I was incapable of speech bc between ages 4 to 9 didnt talk at all except at home to family. I had frequent meltdowns due to emotional regulation problems and also cuz of severe sensory issues (sound, the feel of clothing which led me to wear the same outfit every day for years, temperature). Even when I started talking a little more at school I was TERRIBLE socially. I was made fun of constantly & didn't get what i was doing wrong but they always thought I was weird & they thought it was funny that I didn't understand that I was being made fun of until they started laughing & even then i didnt get what i was doing wrong. It didnt help that i was 5'9 and 140 pounds by age 9 I was very aware I stood out a lot both physically & behaviorally

So yeah like most kids on the spectrum I was bullied relentlessly for the childhood years due to my social ineptitude and general awkwardness & it continued until I managed to group in w/ the other unpopular "weird" girls with bad social skills in junior high. Still friends with some of them. So i wasnt as much of a target then tho I was still gossiped about, ppl started a rumor that I never bathed due to my habit of wearing the same thing every day (I had multiple versions of that outfit but not as if they would know). Special interests were a huge thing too obv. I read probably 8 hrs a day mostly books related to space or when I was younger dolphins.

But anyways, bc of my experiences when I was younger I knew I had to learn to assimilate, or mask as I later learned it was called. I studied that shit like it was my PhD. I learned how to talk enough (but not too much!) I learned how to make eye contact (but not too much!!), learned how to be playful but not be rude, learned to run to a bathroom before having a meltdown in public, learned to buy different clothes out of similar material, to not be seen eating the same exact food every day for months. Learned how to not infodump about an interest unless I knew the person cared about it. I had learned most of this well enough by halfway through high school to stop being seen as a total freak, & by adulthood I was not only not BAD at socializing but actually GOOD at it, tho it still was (and is) exhausting & requires a lot of recovery time alone.

Anyways tldr basically my point is the person you perceive now was constructed out of necessity to avoid being a pariah forever which is what I knew would happen if I didnt change. I was an autistic kid & now I'm an adult who very easily passes as allistic. I've been doing it so long that most of it doesn't take much effort anymore. I've always been good at learning things. sarcasm and humor can be learned & I've been at this awhile needless to say

[path-of-grass-and-leaves]

Localizing A Magical Journal

When I was starting out, every book I read on the subject of witchcraft seemed to contain a long list of crystals and imported herbs. Many of these were not easily accessible and didn't fit into my personal practice. Magic came easier to me and became significantly more meaningful after I started localizing my practice.

It has also made writing my magical journal that much easier. Even after over a decade of practice, I still found the task of writing a grimoire to be a daunting one. Adding more local and personal elements to my practice has helped me to organize my journal, making the act of actually writing in it much less strenuous.

If you're looking to localize your grimoire and don't know how to get started, here are a few ideas:

Sections for Native and Invasive Plants

This section can include folklore, culinary uses, medicinal uses, cultivation, a planting calendar, which animals/insects they attract, and a personal correspondence list. I would write one chapter for invasive plants and another for native ones. Additionally, you could add a section for garden crops if desired. I would also add notes on toxicity to humans and pets.

Why work with invasive plants? Because they're abundant! Foraging them helps reduce their population and we get the benefit of a new plant to use in our practice. In fact, mugwort, a popular herb among the occult community, is an invasive plant where I live.

Local Animal Symbolism Section

I organize my animal symbolism section by mammals, reptiles, birds, amphibians, and fish. These chapters can include folklore, physical characteristics, behavior, habitat, diet, and correspondences/symbolism.

Entries can be made more personal by observing animals and recording experiences (just no hand feeding or interacting). I also like to include different forms of veneration. This can be spiritual in nature, like leaving offerings, or mundane, like installing a nesting box for birds.

A chapter on bugs and insects is also a good idea. This could be helpful if you keep an outdoor garden and want to record information on common pests and pollinators.

Local Stones and Crystals

One of the least ethical occult practices, in my opinion, is the use of crystals. The rising popularity of crystals is the cause of a lot of suffering. Does that rose quartz really promote love when it was sourced through child labor? It's important to know where your crystals come from and how they are harvested.

One way to localize your stone and crystal collection is to research which are specific to your area and where to find them. For example, there are certain rivers in my area that contain agate, jasper, and quartz. If you can't go out and search for them yourself, finding an ethical distributor to purchase from is more than sufficient.

Entries can include their composition, how they are formed, what they are used for, and personal correspondences.

Family Recipies and Local Edible Plants

I imagine that having a recipe section would be very important to a practitioner who performs most of their workings in the kitchen. I love to cook, but it rarely makes its way into my practice unless I'm preparing an offering of some sort. Either way, I think that having even a small section of culinary recipes can be beneficial, because it adds a personal element to a grimoire.

I would include your favorite recipes, family recipes, and even dishes that can be made from locally foraged plants. Correspondences can also be noted for each dish and recipes can be specific to certain deities, holidays, or workings.

Urban Legends and Local Superstitions

Urban legends and local ghost stories can be a fun addition to any personal grimoire. You can research the origins of these stories, read the personal experiences of others, and record them in your journal. You can also visit places associated with urban legends (only if it's safe and legal to do so) and record your own experiences.

Another way of localizing your grimoire is to research common superstitions in your area and where they come from, or record your own family superstitions.

Local Spirits and Places of Importance

For spirit workers, research local spirits and entities, their associations, appearance, and origins. In addition to this, write individual entries on spirits that you work with personally. I would include their assumed appearance, location, personality, how to call them, preferred offerings, and areas of strength/weakness. You can also add a section on thoughtforms, if you use them in your practice.

It's also important to think about which local areas are significant to you personally. Is it a river? A clearing in the woods? A hiking trail? Your own backyard? Make a list of areas that inspire you. How can you get there? What grows there? What kind of animals live there? Are there spirits? Would you perform specific workings in these areas?

[thefuzzzz]

Ranking Nico Di Angelo ships as a multishipper with a crazy imagination, a Nico hyperfixation of 3 years, and the willpower of a god:

1. Solangelo - 8/10 I love them!! I adore Will in TSATS and he’s easily one of my favorite characters. I wish Rick had let us get to know Will separately before he was immediately made Nico’s boyfriend, but I love him anyway. I think they’re good for each other and very supportive. I think I spend too much time consuming media of them than their actual book interactions, because in media I hate their fanon portrayals, but I adore them in cannon. I only had the chance to read half of TSATS, but I thought it was cute!

2. Jasico - 10/10 I love them for the same reasons I love Solangelo, but Jason got character development and Will didn’t. Also, they had a cool moment with Cupid that I think about once a week at least. Jason is constantly someone Nico trusts and (I may be wrong) hugs at some point in the series. The only people Nico has shown direct physical affection to within the series (to my knowledge) are Will, Jason, Hazel, and Reyna. This proves how much Nico trusts Jason, even after Cupid. Also they’re silly and dumb and I love them so I’m right always

3. Nico x Conner - 10/10 I FUCKING LOVE THEM SO MUCH. Lemme explain. So when Nico came to camp he stayed with the Hermes cabin, but Luke was already fucked off (I think) so Conner and Travis were probably in charge of the cabin. Conner’s age changes several times, so I headcannon him to be just a tad older than Nico. I think since he knew Nico when he was a kid he can make present day Nico less doom and gloom and know when he’s truly happy. Also, Nico went to a notably strict military school before coming to camp, yk what they say, strict conditions raise sneaky kids. Thats right, these two are fucking nuts. They are little thieves. And I don’t even wanna mention the implications of Conner’s dad (Lin Manuel Miranda) being the god of travelers and Nico essentially being an eternal traveller. They make me so sick I love them

4. Nico x Clovis - 7/10 they were mentioned as friends MAYBE once and I took that shit and ran with it tbh. I don’t even remember if it’s cannon. I just love them. I THINK it was mentioned that Clovis helps Nico with his nightmares, but atp this shit might just be my imagination or a fic I read once. Anyways, Nico is noted as a very anxious person, and Clovis is very laid back. I really like that duo and the idea that Clovis can help to ground him a lot and help him relax

5. Valdengelo - 6/10 while I do adore them, they have hardly any time together or any bonding moments at all (Note: I am a hypocrite over Clovis let’s fight abt it) I do love media about them and consume it at rates not comprehendible by mankind though. Aside from no time together, I think they’re epic. Nico experiences a lot of the same things as Leo, such as losing his mother and general sadness, but they cope in wildly different ways (neither of which are healthy). Also, Nico grew up in the lotus casino. I’m sick of us all acting like he doesn’t understand technology. Let them be engineer boyfriends PLEASE

6. Pernico. - 0/10 I don’t care at all if other people ship them, since it’s fandom and you can do whatever you want. I just personally don’t enjoy their chemistry and see them more as brothers. You do you tho.

Keep in mind this is just my opinion please don’t take anything too personal!! I love all ships (almost.) equally and if you have any fic recommendations for any of these please give them to me I’m desperate

(Also, this doesn’t represent my FAVORITE Nico ship, just a ranking based on how much I giggle when I see them. It does not take many logistics into account)

[julietasgf]

Can you elaborate more on your thoughts about jokes on Coriolanus having a type? Tbh I find endearing that he would have a soft spot for people with specific physical traits, like brown eyes, but that’s me choosing a more favorable (?) interpretation because I’m fond of him. I’m not blind to his canon character though, and I can definitely see how it can be interpreted as him fetishizing a specific kind of people…I don’t like it but I can 10000% see where you’re coming from, and like I say, I don’t mind the discussion :)

hello anon!! ty for the ask, and ofc I can!

warnings for this post: this post will contain discussions of racism, xenophobia and fetishization.

(before starting, I think it's valid to highlight two things: one is that ofc my opinion can be biased, because I don't like coriolanus. second is that my opinion is also influenced by some real life experiences, so it's very personal and it's completely understandable and valid if people don't share it or don't have the same vision over it!)

I feel like tbosas can be interpreted in various lenses (and ofc you can disagree with me at any point of this text), but particularly, when reading a work (specially a dystopic one), I prefer applying real life situations and comparisons. for tbosas, regarding coriolanus and his thoughts, the interpretation I usually go for is: coriolanus is racist and xenophobic. of course we can say that it comes a lot from his context, from his family, considering that his grandma says that district people only drink water because it doesn't rain blood (and though this is a line a lot of people remember, one less reminded of is the one about how she at first confuses mrs. plinth with a servant by the end of the book).

coriolanus is not favorable on district people, even more so than plenty of his capitol colleagues. and still, despite showing clearly his despise for them, we have two cases of him interacting and forming a close bond with two district people:

sejanus and lucy gray.

since this post is about fetishization, let's start with his relationship with lucy gray, since it's his canon love interest and in which we can see some of these signs manifestated.

the biggest difference between just having a type vs fetishizing someone (in specific, poc) is that fetishization comes from an idea that these people are not really people. they are ideas. they are attractive concepts. these are not real life persons with tastes, they are just a hot thought. fetishization takes root in dehumanization. and knowing this, here are some lines with how coriolanus refers to lucy gray:

"His filly in a race, his dog in a fight. The more he had treated her as something special, the more she’d become human."

"Here in the Capitol, it was a given that Lucy Gray belonged to him, as if she’d had no life before her name was called out at the reaping."

"A second-class citizen. Human, but bestial. Smart, perhaps, but not evolved. Part of a shapeless mass of unfortunate, barbaric creatures that hovered on the periphery of his consciousness."

coriolanus doesn't see lucy gray as human. he doesn't see people like lucy gray as human. and it's from that where the issue comes from: when feeling attracted to lucy gray, he likes the idea of her, and the idea of staying with her. in D12, in some parts, he comes close to even romanticize the thought of a "free" life with her (and of course, leaving aside the fact that she has a life herself, and that life is not wasy; it's once again the idea of the thing, and an idea that sounds almost "exotic" to him, because lucy gray is different from anything he has seen in the capitol).

(I also think it's important to highlight that fetishization has inherent roots in sexualization. coriolanus makes points in D12 about lucy gray's "questionable past" and the idea that it's implied she have done sex work before.)

now, let's talk about sejanus, the second district person coriolanus has a bond in the book. this is how coriolanus talks about sejanus and his family int he book:

"Ma might be pathetic, but she was something of an artist in the kitchen."

"The thought of blackmailing old Strabo Plinth had definite appeal."

"You could put a turnip in a ball gown and it would still beg to be mashed" (referring to the way ma plinth was dressed)

"Sejanus had already usurped his position, his inheritance, his clothes, his candy, his sandwiches, his privilege due a Snow."

"[...] well-fed district boy with the cloddish accent" (referring to sejanus)

"Coriolanus' first impulse had been to join his classmates' campaign to make the new kid's life a living hell." (referring to thinking about participating in the bullying of sejanus for him being district; coriolanus decided to ignore sejanus, but only because he thought it would be a waste his time bullying sejanus)

in specific, it strikes to me that coriolanus mocks district traditions. what he says about the death tradition of D2 is, word by word: "Primitive people with their primitive customs. How much bread had they wasted with this nonsense?"

I could go further in how coriolanus' intense hatred for the plinths and sejanus doesn't come mainly from a class struggle feeling, specially because coriolanus hangs out with other kids from the capitol and the academy (extremely rich and powerful kids), but he doesn't show the same intense hatred in the same way. however, this is a discussion for another time. the point now is exactly how despite coriolanus not seeing sejanus and his family as human beings... in D12, he still hangs out with sejanus. he still hugs him, and still goes out with him.

and in the moment sejanus acts just a bit out of how he expected him to (even after sejanus have been a good friend for him so many times in D12), coriolanus got him killed.

coriolanus hates district people. he sees them as primitive, he sees them as uncivilized, and still. still, he hangs out with them. he forms bonds with them, that, in the end, are just harmful for the people in question, because he doesn't see them as humans.

I searched just to be sure, but just like sejanus, lucy gray got no concrete book description besides her clothing + some small aspects (her having dark, curly hair, for example). sejanus being poc coded can be discussed (though I have strong opinions on this, and how I really think the plinths were meant to be poc immigrant coded, as there's a literal line in the book where someone says: "go back to two, then! who'd miss you?") but it's been pointed out so many times and by so many people how lucy gray is romani coded, and though I won't go deep into this because I'm not romani and it's not my place to speak on this topic specifically, this only highlights some of the stuff coriolanus says and thinks about her, considering the extremely harmful stereotypes and portrayals of romani women. this is the way coriolanus' grandma talks about her (reminding that lucy gray is just 16 years old):

"She's district. And, trust me, that one hasn't been a girl in a long time."

before heading to the end of this, it's important to say lucy gray doesn't identify herself as district. she identifies herself as covey, and it's one of the reasons on why coriolanus can handle "better" the thought of him falling for a girl that comes from the districts. more than once, he tries to make mental gymnastics to convince himself that lucy gray isn't district, she's different, she's special, she's an exception to the rule, therefore, it's okay for him to fall for her:

"She seemed to have no love for District 12, always separating herself from it, saying she was, what was it... Covey?"

again, all of these thoughts and views come from a very specific interpretation, and you're free to disagree with me, specially because I don't think collins intended to make a criticism on fetishization of poc. however, specially translating these to modern setting issues, I can't help but feel a bit offput by the thought that (considering a shipping context) coriolanus would clearly have a type, yes, but it comes from a very specific place, and it only causes harm to the ones he gets in relationships with.

again, anon, tysm for the ask! I hope I expressed my thoughts in an okay way (specially because english isn't my first language, so sorry for any typos or confusing expressions). again, this is just my opinion, and you're totally free to disagree! take care <3

[ddarker-dreams]

Patiently waiting for your thoughts on Fontaine’s new archon quest 🫡

oh man. i do have some thoughts to share.

(warning for spoilers to those who haven't played through the latest archon quest)!

OKAY, so — overall? i enjoyed it. the fortress of meropide section felt a little tedious at times, i'm begging mihoyo to abandon those awful 'stealth' 'gameplay' sections. aside from that though, i was always interested enough to keep moving ahead. i especially like how they wrote navia. the story of her and her father got me emotionally invested in her as a character, i actually teared up at one point.

i was glad they avoided their infamous 'introduce a character and have them betray you' shtick. idk if that was a quota they had to reach before and that's why they did it so often, but in any case, it made for a refreshing change. the reveal of fontaine's history, the serial disappearances, focalors and furina; there were lots of intriguing story beats. furina's story might somehow be one of the saddest in genshin yet?? the execution of the reveal and the final conversation between focalors and neuvillette packed a strong emotional punch.

onto my gripes...

childe. why. why'd they do my man like that. the buildup was so interesting! the cutscene where he helps neuvillette subdue the space whale had me frothing at the mouth. him in his foul legacy armor ... his leitmotif playing... him growling and grunting.... oh, how happy i was, naïve thing that i am. i was a bit confused how they dedicated a total of three seconds to traveler and the floating fiend going 'oh wow there's childe ig.' like ??? at this point in the story, i thought they were sorta buddies??

the space whale's execution confused me. i expected it to be deeply tied to fontaine's past, or at the very least give some abyss bread crumbs, but it just kinda flopped around and stuff. the fight was cool, don't get me wrong. but the whole 'yeah this whale is some dude's pet lol' bit just felt odd. i get that they want to prove the Big Important Name Fella is suuuper important and suuuper strong but c'mon. at least make the space whale a creation that ran rampant or something.

i could've forgiven the space whale shenanigans if we got a nice conversation with childe at the end. how did he feel in the abyss? was he fighting the whale to keep the people of fontaine safe, out of bloodlust, or something in between? what was it like seeing skirk again? how much time felt like it passed when he was in whale abyss prison? does his vision resonate with him properly again?

instead, we just get a few throwaway lines that he's back in snezhnaya healing up. did they run out of budget to book his VA?? i get they have to be selective with lore drops, but there are so many ways around that.

my last major gripe is how they went about furina's character quest. maybe i'm just an oversensitive weenie (i definitely am), but the traveler and flying creature's interactions with furina... i was physically grimacing. how did they seriously think it was a good idea to ask the person who has been tormented by acting for 500 years to give the stage another shot? imo, it would've been fine if they tried that, furina rejected them, and everything played out about the same. but those bits where traveler + the imp kept pressuring furina felt so weeeeeeird. i genuinely didn't want to click the dialogue options. if this was framed differently, that would've also been fine, but it's kinda a 'haha :3 epic paimon says teehee te nandayo reddit gold' light.

tl;dr i liked the overall experience but someone needs to delete paimon from the game + treat their characters as more than a punchline.

[aweirdlisa]

My Big Boi Genloss Theory

Hello! Those who follow me on twitter know I've released a rather long theory document, over 12 pages long I believe, doing a pretty deep dive into all the genloss lore and how I believe most of it connects and plays out!

Those who wish to read the full doc are more than welcome to do so here, though I'll be making a revised and summarized (as much as i can) version for the tumblr folks right here!

So take my hand and follow me below!

Welcome to the Multiverse

We've all seen a certain red orb by now which first appeared on the generation loss website in the game centered around the Hero, a while before the Social Experiments were released.

As the Hero interacts with the orb behind the dumpster, we see visual glitches and suddenly find ourselves in a red tinted, damaged version of the world we were just in.

Well, next time we see this orb is around November 24th when the 2nd chapter of The Founder's Game (TFG) is released. Those who paid attention will have noticed it was hidden in the site's source code back when we encounter it.

The person we're controlling touches the orb and much like before, they wake up in a red tinted world, similar to the one they were in before touching the orb.

Now this red tint I keep bringing up may not have actually been there for the people in question, but it's a good way of conveying to us, the audience, that a change has occurred.

So how different-yet-the-same are these worlds? Well in TFG we're walking in a set of hallways with metal doors pre-orb, but a specific mention of posters of school clubs and teams let's us draw a similarity between this and the post-orb world. Even more specifically, the posters are "more worn than you remember", which makes the connection even less doubtful.

As Ben wakes up in LF High and wanders the hallways, we note that the environment is familiar to him, with the same type of school posters lining the walls alongside lockers.

So what does the orb have to do with the multiverse then?

Ben dies a lot in TFG, each time he wakes up again, the school is a little bit different. The changes become more surreal the more Ben comes to die. Lockers change colours, but then hallways physically twist and gravity acts strangely.

It's easy to brush things off as "part of the game", with Ben dying and resetting just being a mechanic. But we are clever enough to realise that whatever Showfall presents us is actually happening to someone, somewhere.

Another hint awaits us in the science lab in TFG, where we find a book titled "String Theory and Parallel Universes"

In an earlier theory I posted here on tumblr I already brought up a possible multiverse theory when we were repeatedly confronted with the "tunnels" in the genloss videos, but I will get back to this later.

If all these schools are supposed to be parallel universes, why do they differ SO much by the time Ben died a couple times? It could be happenstance that the changes get worse over time instead of random levels of chaotic. However the fact that the strange shifts happen so chronologically tells me that it's something else.

Now what could we possibly call a phenomenon where something gets progressively worse each time it undergoes a certain process?

It's Generation Loss Babyyyyy

The Generation Loss we often thought was solely connected to the VHS tapes has a much greater scope!

However it occurs, it definitely has something to do with the orb's influence or power, causing whoever touches it to relive a part of their world over and over (maybe within a pocket dimension?), until the generation loss sets in each time they die.

To tie it back to the Founder and TSE, it's interesting to look at the orb's possible influence in the earlier timeline as well.

At first I thought the rewinding of the Founder's Cut tapes was causing the Hero to relive their nightmare over and over, but now it seems like the tapes and VCR controls may just be that - controls to let the Founder use the orb and make people relive things until everything is to their wishes.

With how limited Ben's world felt, it's possible there are certain parameters set up by either the orb's limitations or the Founder, to create a controlled environment.

To me it feels like the generation loss is a symptom of the orb, either deliberately used by the Founder, or a side effect they can't quite control.

The Orb

Yes that red thing again. I believe it may be the centerpiece of our story, with the genloss symbol itself - however iconic and ever present - being more of an assist.

The orb is very dangerous, especially if it's a tool the Founder is using to create their "perfect stories". The effect of the orb affects many, and I believe it's possible it may have affected the very Founder themselves too, though I'm keeping that open for another time.

What we do know of the orb so far is that by touching it, you undergo its influence and "enter its world", however it's also possible to find the orb yet again within this world, which to me indicates touching the orb may provide an exit to whoever is under its effects. This may be the only way out for Ben, unfortunately I doubt his physical changes will revert.

Back in TFG, we're shown many mutations of Ben over time as he looks into the mirror.

Now there's plenty of people who have drawn the parallels already between Ben's unravelling and the robotic creature we saw back in chapter 2 in the holding cell.

As the multiverse and parallel universe theories go, there's a lot of different, but also similarities present between them. One such consistent theme is that of Ben's association with robots.

Each time he awakens in the class room, the class's subject changes, but his sketchbook doodles do not: There's always one of a robot.

Other details that follow this theme is when Ben is strangled with electrical wires by the creature roaming the halls and gets a computer screen thrown at him.

It's entirely possible Ben is undergoing something that the wire-creature from the holding cell has gone through before. It wouldn't surprise me if this was one of the many ways the Founder uses the orb.

The Founder and Showfall Media

We know very little of the Founder and Showfall, but by going through tweets, videos and any piece of context we get, we can try to figure some things out.

One thing that stood out to me for a long time was the special keynote we got in  “Announcement” over on youtube. A representative of Showfall tells us that they have been providing entertainment for families around this world and that they now have connected with a new frontier to which they want to bring their influence with a new live experience which ends up being the Social Experiments.

The wording is so specific and was some of the first near-solid proof to me that there’s something multiversal going on.

Even when referring to the Founder’s cut in the video "Again", there is the specific mention that it is the “first, a test of what is possible with infinity”, which at first sounded like a tape-rewinding situation, but now with the orb involved may mean literal universal infinity. A sort of disclaimer at the start of "Coming_Soon" also mentions that what wer're about to see actually happend, just not here.

At some point Showfall connected to a new frontier (our world) to show us TSE and “bring their influence” to us. Which might mean that Showfall (and the Founder) have plans to change or influence our world with their “entertainment” too.

In any case, we learn a bit more about this and the Founder’s behavior towards the matter of these stories and frontiers when we receive a letter from the Founder’s desk. It is encoded in what we’ve come to call the Founder’s Cipher, and was addressed to a certain “you”.

Within the text, looking back on it with the multiversal theory in mind, many sentences stand out like:

“There were many like you, but I knew you were special.”

“There is more beyond what I watch.”

“I can create anything.”

“I will create something perfect.”

It’s possible the Founder will use the orb and many more innocent victims to manipulate worlds and people to turn them into a perfect story. The precise motive as to why this is all happening is unclear, but we've been given some vague hints through a certain character Ben meets along his way.

It’s a bit too vague right now to be entirely certain, but when Ben encounters the Fortune Teller and presses its button, we are treated to some deliciously vague allusions of an internal struggle:

“You know this will kill you, you’re chasing someone else’s dream. You are losing everything in the process. What is it all for? The hope of salvation? The hope to do what you believe you are meant to be doing? What is it that you even want anymore? Is this even for you? Who is this even for? Answer me, please.”

We’re told that this audio occurs as the Fortune Teller’s mouth opens after Ben presses the button, so it’s easy to assume this is directed at Ben, which it might as well be, though if we were to assume it’s directed at someone else, like the Founder, the meaning of the text becomes very interesting.

What if the Founder is chasing someone else’s dream? Perhaps someone they looked up to? Someone they lost? This could be grounds for a motive on why they’re desperately forming perfect stories, testing what is possible with infinity, maybe to regain something or someone? Maybe out of revenge? Out of love? Out of spite?

Whatever it is, it has gone wrong and has cost them everything, to the point they may not even know themselves what it’s all for. Perhaps the Founder, through their research and endless experiments, has lost themselves to generation loss too, losing their humanity and everything else along with it. Maybe even more?

Sadly we can only speculate on who it addresses and what it precisely means, but the Fortune Teller has definitely peaked my interest.

Infinitely so (hah) when Ben encounters the machine again in a circus in chapter 6. Here, when we choose not to press the button, the Fortune Teller shows possible awareness of the fourth wall, of us being in control, as he says he’s glad we “explored our options”, but then ends up speaking without the button even being pressed. He even directly responds to the text we see on our screen where we claim to “not have time for this”, as he responds with “I think you do”.

The second time we hear the Fortune Teller speak, however, it’s specified that it is in a different voice:

“He is the end and the beginning, do you ever wonder why everything is happening like this? Or why this damn thing keeps appearing every single time? Or why everyone, everyone but me, seems to just ignore this? It’s not just that, it was never just that. You don’t get it, this isn’t for me. Or for you. It is for everyone here. This is important. What I do.. is finally important.”

The Fortune Teller then tells us it’s almost like “we were meant to see this” in his regular voice.

Now this second text reads as a recording of part of a conversation between two or more people. Someone is telling someone else that “he” is the beginning. So who is talking to who? And who is “he”?

If we are to assume the “he” is the Founder, then it sounds like this is a conversation between two coworkers who maybe work for the Founder, talking about possibly the orb appearing in places, and how it’s “for everyone”.

Though if we assume the person speaking is the Founder, then it may just be that the Founder was looking up to someone who started the work, and ended up finishing it for some reason, feeling like their work is important and impacts many. Though the first assumption feels more obvious.

It’s also fun to note that “beginning” was the password to the Founder’s Game website the first time we found it through the VHS tapes of the Founder’s Cut. However no fitting password has yet been found to the computer.

The Generation and Screens

Probably one of my favourite chapters in my big boy theory.

To look at the bigger picture of it all, what once may have been a simple timeline of literal generations, could now turn into a mess of universes and time periods that all come together to show us the true extent of the Founder’s influence.

I’ve mentioned this before, but another great visual marker of the bridging between “generations” is the text in the corner of several genloss videos, showing us when we’re dealing with generation 0 or generation 1. Much like a camcorder has the date in the corner of the screen, we see the generation something was recorded in. This goes hand in hand with the "tunnels" I've mentioned before.

Whenever we seem to move to Generation 1 we go forward through the tunnel, yet backwards when dealing with Generation 0.

At first I thought this meant time travel or a multiversal scenario, now I'm definitely more inclined to choose the latter. The tunnels appear to work as divides between the worlds, possibly using the orb to cross them.

Once again red is a prevalent colour, much like the red orb, the red tinted worlds, the generation loss symbol and the red square associated with the Founder.

Where do we stand in all this? Well mostly every form of visuals we’ve seen from Showfall or the Founder has been through a screen, be it the VHS tapes people bought, the Social Experiments through twitch, or the games through a literal monitor on the website which doubles up with out own phones/computers/devices we access the site through. It’s always screens (which honestly also really lends itself well for the “careful what media you consume” or “all media is influenced somehow” allegories throughout genloss).

(This post continues in part 2)

[humaforever]

in the books they say that harry used to do umas bidding and carlos especially says that he remembers that, i think he said smth like “i bet harrys with her, he’s always following her around” i don’t really remember the exact words but i don’t have the physical book anymore so I can’t check :( i wish they had a flash back or smth and i feel like it would really funny like harry snatching stuff and his excuse would be “it’s for uma” and since everyone’s scared of ursula they’ll let it slide. or if carlos is speaking from experience like he stole one of cruellas furs and carlos was the one who got punished (I can’t imagine how she would punish him since her furs are her babies) and id also like to see little uma and little harry just hanging out or like their interactions. actually that just made me realize that there are probably fanfics in that prompt so ik what im gonna be doing after i submit this lol. that brings me to another point i don’t remember if this is stated in the books but the desendants wiki says that there each others oldest friends on the isle. im not sure if that means uma doesn’t consider mal as a friend anymore or that drumroll….. harry came first (dun dun dunnnn) idk if it’s only me but I just noticed this lol (im slow :( ) and that could mean that harry and uma were friends while she was friends with mal. i can see this going in a couple different ways, but the most likely one is that uma didn’t consider harry and a friend but more like some kid following her around that did stuff for her. like a hentchman (is that how you spell it??) anyway, I could ramble on about this all day but I think this is a good place to stop.

(this is what happens when I don’t open tumblr or ao3 for wayyyy too long)

p.s i hope ur feeling better after ur wisdom tooth surgery!

I can totally picture baby Harry walking up to a store and grabbing a bunch of stuff, being like "It's for Uma" with the biggest smile on his face. I mean that's a great reason to steal in my opinion, Harry's too. Harry has been getting gifts and trinkets for Uma since they were little and that's adorable.

I would also like to see baby Harry and Uma walking around in Cruella's fur coats. Not caring how dirty they're getting or how they're dragging on the ground and getting messed up.

Also, yes, I do think Harry came before Mal. It just makes sense because in the books it says that Mal and Uma lived on opposite sides of the isle. Whereas Harry and Uma lived down the street from each other. It seems more logical that Harry and Uma would've known each other first.

Personally I hc that little Mal and Harry hated each other because they were both seeking attention from Uma and didn't like when she gave attention to the other. Maybe it's just me but I don't really think Uma ever saw Harry and Gil as "henchmen." I don't think Mal thought that way about her friends either, not really. Maybe that's just what they would say because "friends" are frowned upon on the isle. I doubt Uma ever thought of Harry as just some kid, it doesn't really seem like her.

[textfromthelookout]

Did you hear of the news?

I have. :(

Everyone else has their tributes so, here, a summary of my experience with Dragon Ball.

I was in fourth grade art class. A kid had the February 2005 issue of Shonen Jump, back when Shonen Jump was still physically printed here. I recognized Atem on the front cover because the Blockbuster around the corner from our house had DVDs (I think they were DVDs and not VHSs then since I distinctly remember it having a menu and special features) of some of the later episodes of Duelist Kingdom and my brother and I watched them on repeat. So I was like oh, hey, what's this? They make books of that stuff? I don't remember the conversation but the kid ended up giving me that issue, and I took it home with me.

There were a LOT of significant, groundwork things happening in that issue, now that I think about it. We were just beginning to see Sanji truly in action against Pearl. The Dark Tournament was in it's early stages still with Roto fucking around and finding out against Kurama. Sakura shears off her hair in a move that rearranged sexualities the world over. The reason Atem was on the cover was because Yu-Gi-Oh Millennium World was just debuting its first and second chapter. Bleach wasn't even serialized yet. And Dragon Ball, of course, was also there, about a hundred and fifty chapters ahead of everybody else.

Keep in mind that this was my first experience with manga, period. So my very first experience with Dragon Ball opened on this:

and ended on this:

Yeah. Truth be told, at the time Yu Yu Hakusho piqued my interest more than Dragon Ball (a guy fighting with plants? how creative!) but I never did forget these chapters. I thought the art style was so different from the others.

At some point after this, probably between several months and a year and a half, the TV happened to be on one evening when Toonami was airing Dragon Ball Z. Oh hey, I said, I recognize that art, I know those characters. So I hung around and watched some of episode 281. Two things about watching that episode stick with absolute crystal clarity in my mind to this day. Firstly: Buu choking Vegeta out with his arm freaked me the FUCK out as a child. I could not tell you why I had a fear reaction to it but hey, there you go. The second is this:

Specifically I remember 'You died once. If anything happens to you now, you won't exist anymore. There'll be nothing I can do to bring you back.' Not precisely word for word over the years, but Schemmel's tone of voice on this particular lineread. If I had to guess I'd say it was because at that point in my life, uh, death was kinda permanent? So wait, what do you mean died ONCE. Doesn't that apply to everyone?

This still wasn't enough to get me super invested in it though, it just didn't seem like something that would appeal to me that much. So a couple years go by, I don't think about it all that much, and then of course, TFS hits the scene and drops DBZ Abridged. So you know. As a shithead middle schooler with a shithead sense of humor I thought it was the best damn thing since sliced bread. (My biggest character flaw is that I still think a lot of Season 1 is genuinely funny)

And that was really the extent of my interaction with the franchise for the next several years. Say what you will about DBZA but they did manage to put it all together such that someone who had a nonexistent concept of what the original context was could grok it with not a lot of effort. Some time in high school, I think I was around 15, I decided to bite the bullet and read all the manga, as much to increase the funny factor of DBZA as sheerly for the sake of being able to say I had. Stick it to the other weebs, y'know. Now they can't say I didn't know anything about good anime. This was unfortunately at a time when all that was available online were dirty poor-quality scans and questionable translations, but read it I did. I went 'yep, that sure is about what I expected', and proceeded to get on with my life. GT came and went, I looked up and saw Battle of Gods coming out and went 'oh hey that's still a thing huh', kinda was peripherally aware of all the divisiveness of Super as it was happening, didn't really pay it much attention, just stuck to DBZA and quite a lot of wiki-ing.

And then, this time of year about three years ago now, in the middle of conversation with @prophecydungeon, Dragon Ball somehow came up. Something to do with 'Even though I'm not hugely into DBZ's story or whatever Toriyama does have some great character designs' (yes I was referring to Vegeta and Future Trunks at the time, no i will not stop being predictable, yes i am a parody of myself). They eventually brought up the DBS Broly movie and said, and i quote: 'that was a solid 1.5h of unbelievably fun and wacky animation'. Having seen the Gogeta vs Broly part of it on twitter and been like 'damn that animation's kinda off the hook actually, good for them good for them', my response was to be like. Oh word? I've got a spare hour and a half to kill, sure, fuck it, why not, time to watch DBS Broly.

I think that movie was precision crafted to hit me in the hyperfixation, if we're being honest. Opening on a solid 20 minutes of Lore and Worldbuilding and then having most of the rest of the runtime being mindless slobberknocker fun by way of some of the hardest animation flexes ever? I was done for.

In summation. I have been aware of Dragon Ball for a lot of my life, in that its presence was pervasive and enduring as I grew up. I may have been late to the game of actually wholeheartedly enjoying it, but enjoy it I do. Dragon Ball is the roots of a vast tree of anime, and in reading it I began to understand why that is. I respect it for that, and I love it for that. My current fixation may have shifted, but as far as time devoted to one individual thing goes... it took me a year and a half to watch my way through all of the anime and read all of the manga. ALL of it. So there's something good in there, I'd say.

[storybookprincess]

Liv. I have been wondering. As someone who works in the library scene, do you have any advice on how to get there? I'm really interested in that line of work ans college is coming up fast, I was just wondering if you have any personal thoughts!

i’m gonna take two different approaches to answering this question. first, the purely logistical answer:

lots of folks don’t know this, but to actually be a full fledged librarian, you need a masters degree. however, there are lots of folks in paraprofessional roles (like me!!!!) who only have an undergrad degree. so first things first, get an undergrad degree in a related field (mine is in english, but education might be an even better fit). my advice would be NOT to go straight through to your masters, but instead get some boots on the ground experience in a paraprofessional role first to be sure this is really your desired path before shelling out the money for your masters

this brings me to my second point, which is that based solely on my own experience (a small rural public library), most folks have absolutely no clue what they are getting into when they enter the library field. i don’t regularly talk about books with anyone. i never read on the clock. instead, let me run you through my workday so far:

- i field 3 separate phone calls from a patron who is actually banned from our physical locations following a violent incident, but still calls us regularly. i look up some tv scheduling info for him, all the while deescalating the shit out of the situation, because he’s not happy with the info i’m giving him & i want to keep our conversation positive

- i shred a ton of documents for a patron. we don’t normally shred things for the public, but this is our compromise, because otherwise this patron will flush them down the toilets & ruin our plumbing

- i send a fax for a patron that inexplicably takes an hour to go through

- i provide a ton of tech help, spending about a half hour with a patron fighting with our state’s department of revenue website to try to file the fuel taxes for her trucking business

- this is all between check ins, check outs, shelving, and loads of other small interactions too brief to be of note

- worth mentioning that we’re extremely short staffed today, so it was only a coworker & me for the first half of the shift

i’ve omitted a lot of personal details to protect patron privacy & avoid engaging in trauma porn, but believe me when i say that there’s a ton of additional context that makes a lot of these interactions all the more precarious & challenging

all of this is to say that if you want to be happy in a patron facing public library role, you need to love people, embrace chaos, and have extraordinary customer service skills

therefore, i recommend getting volunteer & work experience with the public while in college, ideally with vulnerable populations. make sure you love it. hone your people skills. and then enter the library world with confidence!!!! it’s insane but awesome

[trebol-negro]

A bedtime story

Based on @idoodlestuffsometimes ' AU

Original painting: Reflection in Blue by Eva Bonnier

Mad Lord Metanoy had never been someone to fall asleep easily. Everyone in the castle knew that. During this past week in particular those who guarded Metanoy's room would hear more footsteps and more broken pottery than usual during the night. More screaming, more throwing books.

Nobody knew what caused this sudden change in behavior, but the guards seemed to enjoy speculating about it.

Hunter knew. That last mission was tough. He knew he should have done a better job covering those new scars he had. He knew how his father usually reacted to him getting hurt and now he had to deal with the consequences.

He hated having to hear everyone around him talk about his father as if he was just a hassle, but most of all he hated knowing that he was the reason why his health was worsening.

He knew that going into his room without the Emperor's permission would surely grant him a punishment. Maybe he would be sent into another dangerous mission. Maybe he would be forbidden from seeing his father for a month. Maybe he would have to experience the physical consequences of one of his uncle's outbursts. He didn't care. The only thing in his mind was making sure that his father was alright.

When he opened the door he thought for sure that his father must have initially mistaken him for one of the guards. He saw his expression quickly change from anger to relief to concern.

- Hey, dad.

- Hunter, my fledgeling, what are you doing here? Did your uncle give you permission to enter?

Hunter paused

- Yes. - He lied. - He told me to check on you. To make sure you were asleep.

Metanoy knew he was lying. His brother would have never allowed him to visit without his supervision. Hunter noticed this and fearing he might get kicked out he quickly tried to convince his father.

- Dad, please.- his expression clearly concerned - You haven't slept for more than a week, please let me help. I know you're worried about me and because of that... - A tear started rolling down his cheek - It's my fault you've gotten worse and I just want to make it up to you, so please let me help you. I...

Soon more tears came out. Metanoy, who was sitting on his bed reached to Hunter's face with his hand and wiped away the tears with his thumb.

- Hunter, my boy. My beautiful fledgeling. Please don't say that. It's not your fault and it never will. I'll rest if that's what you want but please stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong.

After tucking himself into his bed Metanoy looked around his room and pointed to one of the few books he hadn't thrown out of the shelves.

- Maybe I could use a bedtime story.

Hunter, now more calmed, grabbed the book. He recognized it, it was his favorite book from when he was a kid. It wasn't a story book, but a book about birds, filled with pictures and fun facts about different species.

He sat down next to his father and started reading. Maybe it was because this was the first time they had been together without the Emperor controlling every single one of their interactions, maybe it was because of all those sleepless nights, but Metanoy soon started to relax himself, his eyes slowly closing and a small smile appearing on his face. He was thinking about all the good memories he had shared with Hunter, about how much he loved his son.

After a while Hunter started to feel sleepy himself. He looked around the room trying to keep himself awake. He looked at his father, now peacefully asleep. He looked at the candles, illuminating the room with their warm light. He looked at all the books that his father had thrown out of the shelves. He looked at the book he was holding, wondering why it wasn't on the floor before, and then it clicked. The reason why it was the only one well placed on the shelf.

- I love you too, dad - he whispered looking at him before completely closing his eyes too.

In the morning his uncle would find that he was not in his room. In the morning his uncle would punish both of them for disobeying orders. But for now, they were together. They were asleep. But most importantly, they were happy.

So, this was my first time writing what could be considered a short fanfic. Hope you all enjoyed it. If some sentences seem weirdly structured to you please remember that writing isn't my thing and that English isn't my first language.

Extras: