#bruce: “is this a baby?”

[jaewritesfic]

Melon AU Part 4

Cass is quietly adamant that her new cling-on be taken to the Batcave, no matter the concerns Bruce raises.

If he's honest, his protests fall a little flat even to his own ears. The fact of the matter is that he looks at the midnight apparition she holds and just…can't bring himself to fight very hard.

The creature clings to her like a desperate child, claws curled into her cape in a way that's bound to leave holes. Bruce hasn't caught so much as a glimpse of the face since it grabbed onto Cass, head resolutely tucked into her shoulder. That long sinuous tail is wrapped around her waist and down one leg as if the slightest disconnect could wrench them fully apart.

She was right, it's scared and it needs help.

Bruce almost thinks convincing Commissioner Gordon to lift the police barricade at the end of the alley will be the difficult part, but he's proven wrong. Gordon is more than happy to foist the situation off onto the Bat colony, it's just a matter of figuring out actual transport.

It's not that Bruce doesn't want the creature in the Batmobile. It's that nobody is sure the creature will respond well to someone other than Cass being in proximity to it.

Bruce may be feeling distinctly sympathetic, but he's still not comfortable leaving his daughter totally alone with something strange, unknown and dangerous.

He doesn't want Cass alone with it - them. They probably won't respond well to anyone but Cass being close enough to be in a car with them.

Ultimately this culminates in Bruce pulling the Batmobile around and trying to be very. Very. Quiet.

The shadow creature hasn't raised their head from Cass’s shoulder once, so hopefully as she climbs in the back with her clingy cargo they won't notice they're not alone.

…nobody is going to claim this is a good or creative plan. It's kind of just the only option they can think of.

The creature clicks and whines as she climbs in, aware and nervous about the enclosed space probably, but they don't raise their head or move.

If anything they just wind themselves around Cass a little tighter.

“Shhhh,” Cass hushes gently. “Car. Take us to safe place. I promise.”

Bruce is used to her cowl enough to be able to tell she's glancing at him in the rear view mirror.

Thankfully, the Batmobile can autopilot to the cave. His presence is solely because he refuses to leave her alone with their new…guest. That means he can sign at her.

Did you get a better look at the injuries?

She shakes her head minutely. Hm. Bruce had feared that was the answer, considering how fast the creature had plastered themselves to her.

Do they seem to be losing a lot of blood?

A tiny shrug. Not a yes, not a no. Bleeding, but not gushing. Or maybe she's not sure how much without a visual, though if it was egregious she'd feel it even with the suit.

The heat of it, the slickness.

Bruce decides the shrug is a tentative good sign.

“Let's play questions,” Cass says suddenly, hands rubbing gentle, comforting back and forth patterns against a back so dark it looks like a void. “Nothing scary. Get to know you questions.”

There's no answer, but it doesn't seem to faze her. Of course not. She's Cass.

“Will you play? Tap once yes,” she says softly, tapping the creature's back with her index finger once, “And twice for no. No is okay. You can say no.”

There's a long moment where Bruce watches them in the rear view and nothing happens. Then Cass's cowl shifts in the way that means she's smiling.

“Thank you. Pronouns first, okay? One for she-”

She taps once.

“Two for he-”

She taps twice.

“Three for- oh. Thank you. Good boy. I'm she.”

The rest of the family exposes themselves as listening, quiet murmurs and exclamations over the comms at the new knowledge that their creature considers himself male.

Bruce isn't surprised that his kids have been listening with baited breath.

“From Gotham? One for yes, two for no.”

She hums softly, going back to petting his back gently.

“Me neither at first. Home now, like the back of my hand. Can show you all the best spots. Like burgers?”

There's a long pause. Bruce suspects the creature is having a hard time believing she's talking about and proposing such casual topics.

Eventually she smiles again. “Me too. Will buy you Batburger, I promise. Nectar of the gods.”

An odd little vibration goes through her new friend, audible as well as visible. It seems almost like a weak laugh.

“....bets on shadow noodle’s favorite Batburger order?” Dick asks over comms.

Bruce purses his lips not to huff in amusement. They're almost to the cave, he'd like to stay incognito until then. He wouldn't want to alarm any shadow noodles.

Masterpost

[messi-mooni]

So mad at how long this took

[demonicsuffrage]

Bruce has a strict 'no metas/powers (except duke) allowed in Gotham' policy in place but it has a clause, BYOR (Bring Your Own Robin)

No one is allowed entry untill and unless they can produce their very own certified robin-shaped identity card

Whenever someone with even a hint of supernatural powers in them arrives at Gotham, they're first met with Bruce standing at the city border with a notepad in hand

Bruce: State your name and purpose.

Kon: Kon-el, here to hangout!

Bruce: Your Robin?

Kon, flourishing Tim from behind him: Ta-Da!

Tim, waves: Hey Bruce

Bruce: Approved, you may enter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Hal: Here to investigate a case, Hal Jordan

Bruce: Your Robin?

Hal: I.... don't have one?

Bruce: Denied

Hal: What?! But-

Bruce: Denied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Yes, Wally, where's your robin?

Wally: Oh shit lemme just- *zaps away and returns with Dick, who was in the midst of brushing his teeth, in a bridal carry*- Here!

Bruce, grumbling a little: Fine. Approved.

Dick: You gotta stop using me as a key already, man

Wally: Blame Bruce.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bruce: Name and purpose?

Clark: Clark Kent, here for our monthly barbecue

Bruce: Robin?

Clark, producing an actual robin bird: Does this count?

Bruce:.....yes

[timmydraker]

Tim, holding something behind his back: don’t be mad.

Bruce, already getting mad: I won’t get mad, you can always talk to me. What’s going on?

Tim, revealing a swaddled baby: I messed up when cloning Kon and accidently spilt my DNA into it and now I have a clone baby with my dead situationship.

Bruce, flabbergasted: ..???

Bruce: why were you cloning- when did you start datin- I’m a grandpa?! No, go back, how did you ‘accidently’ spill DNA aren’t you paranoid too????

Tim, who may or may not have been crying over one of the clones and accidently cut his lip trying not to sob and got blood into a test chamber: that’s not important.

Bruce, hyperventilating: why is it so small????

Tim: cause she’s only two months old.

Bruce; I understand that, but even an average two month old should be-…

Bruce: two.

Bruce: you said two months.

Tim: you said you wouldn’t get mad.

Bruce: you hid a baby for TWO MONTHS?!

Tim: I WAS PANICKING LEAVE ME ALONE!

Bruce: IVE BEEN A GRANDPA FOR TWO MONTHS AND YOU DIDNT TELL ME?!

Tim: WELL! I don’t know I’m seventeen, what did you expect?

Bruce, actively loosing brain cells: if you can clone your dead boyfriend-

Tim: we never actually started dating-

Bruce: -then you can tell your father you had a baby.

Tim: …

Tim: I’m not exactly sure what stage of being an adult I am, I started a little young I think.

Tim: but I am a mother now so don’t you dare yell at me.

Bruce: …

Tim: …

Bruce: …

Bruce: … can I hold her?

Tim, grinning in victory: wash your hands first and then you can.

LATER:

Bruce: why is she a girl if you and Kon are both male?

Tim: are you questioning my baby’s gender??? That’s so homophobic, gay men can raise girls.

Bruce: you know damn well I didn’t mean-

[anonyunknownonearth]

Tim: Have you ever cheated on a test or exam?

Jason: No? You just study you know?

Stephanie: You know I have

Damian: Tt, of course you have, and it is not hard to understand why Timothy is asking.

Tim: *raised eyebrow*

Damian: No, I have not cheated on an exam. Why would I need to?

Tim: I’m just asking, brat

Tim & Damian: *devolve into bickering*

[In the background]

Duke: Y’know I once cheated on an eye test.

Stephanie: Don’t you have powers?

Duke: Yeah, but this was before I discovered them.

Jason: How do you cheat on an eye sight exam??

Jason:*whispering* Why do you cheat on an eye exam??? Why can’t we just be normal people????

Bruce in the corner originally trying to mind his own business, ends up trying to process what he’s hearing:

[rickroll-25]

This came to me in a vision

[tiger-grace]

(Batman gets de-aged in a fight)

Duke: he really does look like Damian if you squint, doesn’t he?

Jason, walking in: oh, look, it’s the poster child for untreated youth mental illness

Tim: no, thats Bruce, not-

Jason: did I stutter

[batbabydamian]

Obsessed with little Lima Bean Baby Dami. I feel like Bruce would pass out from cuteness if he witnessed his child looking like that.

Talia should send Damian's baby pics to Bruce lol

[heylosers06]

Baby Damian! And with this loved one’s!

Honestly when I was first drawing it I didn’t realize how much he looked like SpongeBob until later 😭

[bruciemilf]

“Bruce wouldn’t call his kids any cutesy nicknames y’all are cringe” first of all Bruce canonically refers to children as “honey” and “sweetheart” as BATMAN, so, close your mouth, monster breath

Second of all, Thomas Wayne called him everything from “Bunny, honey, sweetheart, baby, bambino, sweetie” to “Gumdrop, honeybee, amore, babe, “ and you can die trying to take it away from me

[lokutofu]

He didn’t get enough sleep before patrol 😔

[copper-meadows]

It terrifies Bruce, a little, that the first time Batman and Robin pull up to a mauling victim, Robin is acutely calm.

The girl is young, and Batman and Robin were made known to the scene pretty quickly as Batman scares off the dog with a taser.

Despite being the adult, he balks a little at how well Dick handles the toddler in front of him.

Later on, when the girl is seen by paramedics and the mother is finally calmed after being assured that the only physical damage present would be some scarring on her left leg, Bruce takes Dick out for ice cream for being so brave.

Then again, Dick was the one to threaten death upon his parents' murder at the ripe age of 9.

But the incident is filed away, deep in the archives of the BatComputer.

Dick is much older, and has seen much more, but he's still calm when one of his brothers is half-torn apart by a shark on an impulsive surfing trip with their hero friends.

Everyone is panicking because as much as they'd loathe to admit, seeing something that gory is so completely different than being in costume (because being in costume means they're at the very least prepared).

But Dick is calm, and his first aid more immaculate than ever.

When someone asks him about it, how he can stay so calm, he's suddenly 7 again.

He's 7 again and watching his Uncle-not-really-uncle getting mauled by one of the sick tigers. He's watching as his father rushes to help and calms the crowd down.

When he asks his father why he was not scared, he receives this.

"I was terrified for my friend, but panic makes your hands shake, makes you slow. He did not need my fear, he needed me."

Dick tells them that.

[nondistinctmeganerd]

obsessed with the idea that outsiders (specifically the JL) hear whispers of Red Hood, and strapping themselves in for Batman to have another rogue on his hands, preparing for the sour mood and curt responses, and it just never happens??

there's talk about Red Hood becoming a force to be reckoned with and how he's gonna be less than easy to handle, but after word spread there was just nothing.

Flash asks Batman and he just grunts out 'its handled' and no one brings it up again.

Everyone is unsettled and slightly worried until an attack relatively close to Gotham has the Bats rolling up, right behind them is the infamous red helmet and an undeniable bat painted on his chest.

the JL comms explode into yelling

Batman mutes his earpiece

[prlssprfctn]

Batboys, who finally got Jason to agree to join them in their Farm Weekends at Kents, and who beforehand warned Kon and Jon that, well, Jason can be a little flippant, but it nothing personal, only to find out that Jason has an awful, tooth-rotting soft spot for Supers.

Kon, sighing: Okay, Jon, remember, this guy is probably like Damian but older and worse... On the other side, you probably would like that, but just in case if he makes you cry, call me. I'll deal with him. Jon, giggling: Don't worry, Kon. Jason, appearing on the doorsteps: Hey, little ones. I wasn't sure what people usually bring as a gift when they are staying at someone, so I bought the bunch of sweets for ya. You don't mind, do you? Kon: L-little ones? Jon: SWEETS!

Batboys are flabbergasted. Jason never acts like this with them, so what the actual fuck. Tim checks on Jason's temperature, like, three times in the row, and gets his hand smacked. Damian stares at Jason, trying to figure out if the Pit madness had returned in a different light. They have no explanation for this.

Kon: Dude, you said that he was meanie. Tim: He IS. Usually. Kon: I don't know, man... He lets Jon sit on his shoulders and piggybacked me this morning. That's not really mean to me. Tim: WELL. HE NEVER DOES THIS WITH US. Kon: Maybe he just doesn't like you that much. Tim: SHUT UP.

Jason, helping to Lois with some chores: So, I need some help in stalls. Pretty boy, come and help me. Kon: (keeps standing cluelessly) Jason: (glares at him, confused) Kon: Oh! I am pretty boy? Jason: Yeah? Chop-chop, come on. Tim, muttering: All I get is Timbers. And Timberline. And Timmers.

Jason, cooing on Jon: Aw-w, here goes my itty bitty tiny- Damian: (growls) Tim: Somebody sedate me. Kon, twirling around in new leather jacket that he stole from Jason: Yeah, we are his new siblings at this point.

Dick: I am. SO. Happy. That. Little. Wing. Finally. Can. Unleash his. True. Cringey brother. Personality. Tim, concerned: Is that kryptonite in your hands? Dick: No. No. Don't get me wrong. I am very happy. I had waited for this day for years, even. Well. I expected ME to be his itty bitty tiny weenie. But. That's fine. I am fine. Damian: I'll fetch father... Tim: Yeah. Please.

[ky-landfill]

insp

[lucifers-favorite-child]

Tim and Kon's part alien son: grandpa I promise if I ever become evil and take over the world I won't kill you

Bruce: thank you chum 🥰💖💖 do you want another ice cream sandwich

(pfp by @gendersnatcher)