#bitches keep living somehow
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If I had a nickel for every time one of my dnd characters by all means should've died in a way that was honestly really thematically resonant and managed to scrape their way back to life again I'd have 2- no... 3 nickels. Which isn't a lot but says something.
#seriously#melody rambles#Lorna with Zahir on that rooftop (girl got stabbed through the gut it would've been amazing)#Euri/y in that spider cave (died before he ever had a story although... he did? and didn't. he's still out there)#and now dear Yer (had his heart literally ripped out of his chest in front of his bf how tragic would that have been)#bitches keep living somehow
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Currently trying not to vomit over the fact that I essentially just lost almost a thousand dollars brb
#why me. why is it always fucking me am I just not allowed to have good things WHAT have I done to earn this kinda karma#my stupid fucking idiot roommate decided to resign the lease at the complex so I naturally contacted the landlords like hey. how does that#work with the security deposit cuz I paid that years before she even moved in do you guys need to come inspect the place after I leave#and they were like oh no ☺️ it just carries over to her. and I’m like. so. so even though I am not living here nor am on the lease#whether or not I get NINE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS BACK hinges on this JACKASS not wrecking the place???? actually not even then because say#she DOESNT wreck the place when she moves out TURNS OUT the deposit goes to her cuz it’s her name and account attached to the fucking#apartment and I’m just left sitting here like how. how is that fucking fair how does that make fucking sense I have to trust that she doesnt#ruin the place OR GET FUCKING EVICTED BECAUSE SHE HAS NO JOB AND NO WAY TO PAY RENT and then also trust her to just give it to me when she#moves out. I’m actually sick I’m actually gonna fucking throw up and the landlords were like yes exactly ☺️ perhaps you could work something#out with her and she could buy you out of it and I’m just like. she doesn’t have a job she still hasn’t paid me for LAST months utilities#let alone this months do you HONESTLY THINK she is EVER going to pay me the 900 dollars I’m fucking owed#and it’s like does this actually affect anything? no. I didn’t budget with that money cuz I didn’t actively have it and that’s not smart but#like…. 900 dollars….. I could have paid off the rest of my credit card with that and also it’s just infuriating that that money is basically#just being GIVEN to this fucking bitch who I KNOW is not gonna keep that apartment in good shape and that’s again if she somehow doesn’t get#her ass evicted cuz she’s not paying bills why they even LET her sign her own lease there I do not understand she literally has no proof of#income but ig they probably didn’t check that cuz she technically already lived there I’m just so. I’m so tired and I’m so done can I PLEASE#stop being the one who constantly gets screwed fucking over in EVERY situation no matter fucking what#while all these fucking idiots and shitty fucking ppl get whatever they want and actively BENEFIT from me getting fucked over???? I’m done.#I’m so fucking done I am never living with someone ever again never being finanacially tied to anyone fucking again and you know what. thats#great goes well with me basically being convinced atp to never be vulnerable with anyone ever again and never trust anyone ever again and#never dedicate ANY part of my life in a genuine sense to anyone ever again I will be fucking alone in every sense for THE REST of my fucking#life and that’s that. it’ll be better. this kinda shit will stop happening. financially emotionally psychologically I will stop suffering#because holy fucking shit I can’t do it anymore man I’m sick of it I’m sick of trying to be a good person and depend on people and be#vulnerable and always uphold my side of the responsibilities and arrangements just to get fucking spit on like man if this is what being a#shit person gets ppl maybe I should try because they sure seem to get all the benefits and whatever the hell they want consistently and#always while I try and be considerate of others and devote myselves to them and this is all I fucking get for it#and ik I KNOW this is just the straw on the camels back and this is a lot of issues compounding and it’s not even about the money atp#but I’m just. I’m so fucking sick and tired and beaten down and I’m tired of trying I just want to be completely on my own#so at least if bad things happen or I feel like shit I only have myself to blame and it’s safer that way and I’ll have to stop feeling like#this and dealing with these types of things UGH
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the bitches love me for my haunted stare + dark eyebags combo, my unknowable eldritch visage, and my charming personality
#the bitches are two guys who live in my head with me who i was majorly gay about who also somehow like me back#i don't know how this keeps happening smgkkag#bee shouts#sys stuff
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Screaming and crying rn
I can't with Monster Prom rn, I can never pick the right options aaaaaaaaaa
I need someone to play this game with
#monster prom#I keep losing#Vicky and Brian are my favorite cool monsters#But they can't get bitches for their Undead lives#Except Vicky that one time she got Vera#Somehow#crying in the club#Maybe I should just go back to writing my fics
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Hilarious how lots of conservatives think resistance against change is actual resistance and not just them clinging to the status quo.
#Like you ARE the status quo bitch#Idk how to explain that trying to keep the status quo is not resistance#Because people who are not chronically online don't actually look at traditional modes of living and expression#and expect you to change your personal life and the machinations of it#Even in the craziest liberal world where there's LOTS of queer people#Or any religion that's not Christianity goes mainstream#Like it's not revolutionary to say something like “actually gay people bad :) ”#Because people were thinking that (AND STILL THINKING that) not so long ago#And gay people haven't absolutely taken over everything the way straight people have culturally#Gay people are just in more movies and commercials now#And if you think straight people have never taken over#You need to know that that's because it's never called as as being specifically straight in our culture#It just gets called “marriage”#People don't feel the need to specify when it comes to straight people BECAUSE IT'S A STATUS QUO#IT'S EXPECTED#Tl;Dr seeing change to the status quo and working against that change isn't revolution/resistance#because the typical mode of life within that status quo will never actually be seen as weird and crazy#Of course I'm thinking about Elon Musk while typing this up and for some reason he thinks pumping out babies like his mass produced shit ca#Should be the norm and he thinks it's somehow comparable to that of a very normal nuclear family with a mom and dad and kids and a retrieve#Anyway I'm gonna stop this ranting diatribe because you get the idea#leftism#???#elon musk is an idiot#stream of consciousness
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spike trying desperately to be buffy's sugar daddy except not requiring the sugar just because her shitty service job bums her out and he can't bear to see it
#jack facts#AND?? SHE DOESN'T???? LOVE HIM?????#bitch i would kill and die and maim and mangle and yes even live in a crypt for this shit are you KIDDING#he was a good man in life had an interlude of evil and is now a good man again even without the (alleged) benefit of a soul#unlike SOME vampires who were misogynistic race traitor scrubs BEFORE being turned#he has a whole personality he reads you like a book he'll never be insecure about you being stronger than him or more in charge#he loves and respects you unconditionally AND can somehow ~miraculously~ still manage to fuck#(unlike SOME vampires! and soldier boys)#he will and has risked his life to protect you AND everyone you care about he gets along with your sister your mom liked him#he sings he dances he makes grand sweeping romantic gestures he knows how to apologize he's a good listener#and he's freely offering to keep you in financial comfort - also unconditionally - just because he hates seeing you unhappy at work#he's even bisexual!#i mean truly what more could you POSSIBLY want in a man.
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and when bojack said
Life is a bitch and then you die, right?
and diane replied
Sometimes. Sometimes life is a bitch and then you keep living
AND WHEN LIFE IS A BITCH AND THEN YOU KEEP LIVING and there’s no resolution to your sadness or rage or whatever is troubling your mind. and then you come home after spending the whole day living that routine you despise, and there's nothing you can do about but accept it and collapse, exhausted, into bed, enjoying the counted minutes of a monotonous relief that never ventures beyond that. and then you wake up the next day to the same condemnation, knowing that your life will be a repetition of that Dull feeling, varying only in degrees according to the situation. and then you find palliatives here and there, useless little things that make you tolerate the next minute, but the next hour still comes — and the hour after that too. and then the years keep passing and you do nothing but keep accepting it, bc change is merely the illusion of a hope, a concept to cling to. and life is a bitch, and you're exhausted, and everything seems so desperately Wrong and Way Too Much, but you don't die. you don't die. worse, even: You Keep Living. and then you have to deal with everything you did and everything that was done to you.
And Then— And Then— and then what.
#bojack horseman#bojack netflix#diane nguyen#life is a bitch and then you keep living and somehow thats the worst outcome#ignore me. im a depressed little bitch
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Rizzed a Wesker by giving him gifts for Christmas yesterday ;v;
Sadly he killed the Laurie, I tried to get him to let her live but he wasn't having it :'(
We then ran around the entire edge of the map looking for hatch but it had spawned at the shack, I didn't even hear it open because his terror radius is SO loud lmao
#wesker#dwight fairfield#my gameplay#i keep getting weskers that let me live when I'm the last alive it's odd but i'm all for it#before the event started I had two weskers back to back that did that and it wasn't the same player#me and the bad bitch i somehow pulled by being pathetic
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ok i am actually so very angry and there's literally nothing i can do to fix it. life keeps going on. she might even be happy. and fuck dude, i'll make sure im happy too, i was a fully developed person before she was in my life and i'll continue to be one without her. but God Damn, the fact that she can just do something so blatantly awful and unfair to me and then run off without any actual repercussions is just so fucking rankling to me.
like perhaps she feels guilty. she said she did when it was all going down. but it was just something she "needed to do". so obviously she didn't feel guilty enough or she wouldnt have done it like that lmaoooo
i really did deserve to have a good solid yell at her. but unfortunately, by the time i did see her in person i just wanted her out of my fucking life. so. no yelling was done, unfortunately.
#speculation nation#the duality of being a deeply resentful and angry person. and being a person that Tries to be mature and peaceful.#like im not gonna actually Do shit even tho i keep wanting to message her just to yell at her some more again#it's like there's a beast in me that keeps yelling for retribution. she wronged me in such a disrespectful and humiliating way#and yet she just gets to walk away like it was nothing? live her life like it was nothing?#be in 'love' with her new 'soulmate' after cutting me off like a rotten limb?#i feel so DEEPLY angry. i want to spit vitriol and fire. i want to dig my claws into her bones. make her really FEEL how i feel.#i want to wander into her dreams and make her experience what i felt. every miserable second of silence.#the humiliation of admitting you might be falling in love only to be told you were never loved at all.#and i want to knee her in the gut and spit in her face and really make her regret ever fucking wronging me#but unfortunately im a stupid fucking pacifist so all the aggression and anger and violence has no FUCKING outlet#ive been. trying to not think about it too much. ive been trying to just live my life. because i dont want her to run my life.#but the anger keeps catching up to me. filtering in when i dont expect it. endless constant fucking thoughts coming back to me#on and on and on and on i live and i eat and i read and i game and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i hate and i HATE AND I HATE#the greatest injustice is that i cannot make her truly feel every single ounce of my resentment and anger#it's so overwhelming i think i could choke on it. and she gets to live her FUCKING happy little life with her stupid fucking 'soulmate'#i hope it collapses around her and she loses her too so she's single and alone and miserable and regretting all of her fucking impulsivenes#she deserves to have it fail after what she did to me. and all i can really do is hope that karma has its fucking kiss for her.#if only curses were real. what i wouldnt give to put some energy into that karmic payback lmfao.#ok . ok ok ok ok love and peace on planet earth. i am shifting out of vitriolic little shit mode.#just had to let some of the steam out. im still angry but i am going to go back to not thinking about it.#i think i should go on a nice long bike ride tomorrow. to decompress and work some of the steam out.#it's something that she can never take from me. something that is so wholly mine. fuck that stupid bitch and fuck her new girlfriend too#...............................ok NOW im shifting out of vitriolic mode. lol#negative/#WAHOOOOOO i am certainly not taking this breakup well. but i dont think anyone would be lmfao.#all things considered i think im doing a pretty great job at handling this breakup.#bc at least im only recounting unrealistic threats and fantasies on my tumblr dot com instead of messaging Any of this to her.#i may kinda want her to read it so that she knows anyways. but i wont message her directly. bc i am Trying to be at least a little mature.#complaining on my tumblr dot com so i dont message my ex with more vitriol. gotta cope Somehow.
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All I'm getting out of spoilers for the new PJ book is more annoyance with where Heroes of Olympus took Percy and his future.
#i will keep being the bitch who hates new rome#and hates how percy 'new york is my home' wants to just live in new rome his whole life#even managing to somehow get annabeth in on the idea#like new rome is literally just pro-child soldier while the adults lay around doing fuck all#and every one who lives there has to basically serve for ten years#and its just#ah yes percy would totally wanna live his and annabeths lifes out there!#ignoring those kids he imagined could eventually be enlisted#because again rick literally went from 'the gods dont care about kids beyond quests'#to 'its good that new rome uses child soldiers!'#and again going back to new york is my home thing#percy literally will be far fucking away from his mom paul and sister#like what the fuck
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...
#its my birthday :3#for some reason this is the first year that actually means something to me...#i lived bitch 🤣 i made it to 28#and somehow ive been more excited to finish a full year of my nanowrimo goal#after all tomorrow is november 1st!#damn what a terrible year. but im here!#and this writing goal honestly meant so much to me.#i wrote a paragraph everyday for a single year. sometimes more but the important thing was at least a paragraph every single day#even at my sickest thats the one thing i had that I could keep doing. it kept me going some days#as i deteriorated my writing didnt. it flourished#im on the cusp of something man#i just. i fucking did it#all of it whatever it is 🤣#i survived and because I kept writing i kept that spark alive#damn. congratulations me youve met a long term goal that wasnt marrying your hs sweetheart 🤣#locked her down a decade ago so its about time i achieved something else!!#thanks past charlie. couldnt have gotten to the now without you making it through then#happy birthday#notes to myself#id say delete later but i wont
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SREEDIE YOU UPDATED and I haven’t even read the last chapter yet…
in my defence, I have moved countries so uh… keep waiting for me, my love, I shall soon return from the war <3
YOU MOVED?!??? I demand details please. I’ll wait forever for you my reekie-leekie. <3
#I’m like 90% sure you lives down under before#OMG WHERE ARE YOU NOW???#I love getting your life updates haha#you slide into my DMs like ‘yo I made this bomb ass dessert want a play by play?’#& I’m like duh bitch why are you even asking that??#anyway I miss you of course because if I’m not feuding with my divorced wife then what’s the point of getting out of bed in the morning#*slams open cabinet of perfectly in tact lightbulbs*#& I HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF LIGHTBULBS BECAUSE YOU HAVENT COME UH SMASHING BABE#ok anyway that’s it I love ya I miss ya and I hope you’re super excited about your move!#wohoooo!!!#leekie tag#leeeeeeekiiiieeee#dude tumblrs tagging system has been so fucked lately#they get rid of tumblr live and somehow manage to fuck up the tags#idk maybe because I’m on mobile but I can’t see any of my last tags#and someone like me who rambles in the tags needs to keep an eye on what they’ve said and sometimes I forget what I’m even talking about#I swear I’m the most distracting human even to myself fuckkkk#leekie I miss you#fucking come back to me
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My roommate did, in fact, quit her job
#I am living with a caricature of a person oh my fucking god#she has apparently now decided against driving across the country to live in la with no plan and no savings#but still has not found anywhere to live in town despite our lease being up in less than two months now….. I don’t think she’s even looking#SUPPOSEDLY she’s starting a new job but she has not been working for like a month 😭#girl I hope you know that I am NOT letting you skimp on bills you WILL be paying your fucking share#also apparently her new job is some job working with autistic kids which genuinely makes me cringe so hard#those poor fucking kids#given the way she has reacted to and treated any of MY autistic traits…..#this girl should NOT be allowed around autistic children esp not in whatever fucking program this is#(which from what it sounds like is already not a very good one)#it’s like every day she somehow finds new ways to make me dislike her more#she also keeps trying to give me ‘life advice’ which is already a laughable concept considering her….. everything#but most of it she should know is not even applicable to me if she had EVER listened to a single thing out of my mouth#regarding my life past interests goals current situation etc#I am literally living with a fucking clown#no that’s too generous clowns are ridiculous but fundamentally not very harmful#this bitch is basically just a slowly unraveling disaster for anyone who has to be involved with her in any kind of serious capacity 😭#oh she also tried telling me I should ‘give being manic a try’ because it’s ‘actually a really good thing’#do….. what. huh. EXCUSE ME??????#first of all I have watched mania and manic episodes literally ruin people’s lives#also YOU CANT JUST MAKE YOURSELF MANIC???????#WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUTTTTTTTT 😭😭😭😭😭😭#kaz rambles
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.
#cant believe itll have been seven years tomorrow#youve been on my mind so much lately#last time i saw you was the protest after the election#i wish we’d gotten more time#i wish you were here fighting with us#i wish so many things#i wish youd had the chance to go to college to fall in love again to try out new recipes to complain about traffic to listen to new music#to see your sister grow up to see everything all of it#selfishly i wish you wouldve been down to spend more time with me if youd lived. wish i couldve explained why i got distant from the group#wish i couldve explained how badly i wanted to keep talking to you and why i couldnt#i wish you couldve gone to the equity meeting i wish we couldve cried together wish we couldve bitched together#i wish so many things were different#i wonder what youd think of me now. what youd think of all of us. i wonder if you’re watching#i wonder if ill get to see you again when i die#sometimes i think i see you at work at the grocery store on the sidewalk and for a second i think maybe somehow its you#i wonder if youd come back if you could or if youd still choose death#did your pain die with you or did it follow you? i hope youre happier wherever you are#i hope your rest is so profound it outshines everything that was killing you i hope you know no one ever forgot you#i hope you know how much they all still love you how much i still care for you even though we didnt get much time together
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I'm directing a photoshoot and turns out the designers involved are all people I have blocked bc they were rude or unprofessional. this is gonna be so fucking fun
#im worried about everyone on the team though they speak like they're high#they're all clueless i immediately regretted offering help but the girl was so relieved i got sad I can't do this#my fav designer did say i could model for her her intntl shows#which will never happen bc she never holds them and she only hires ppl from her country as some sort of nationality support which is valid#currently waiting on three stores to send me the items i need to shoot for them#i can't believe how unprepared these girls are and yet they somehow managed to get clothes from big brands that don't check dms? what the f#im so annoyed#I really wonder if the designers in question know who they're sending pieces to#these girls and the photographer GOD IF ONLY I TOLD YOU#they really really don't know what they're doing and i get a feeling they will end up keeping the clothes without photographing them#they're asking ME what is proper and standard for working with brands??#bitch why are you asking? and why are you asking ME?#do i look like i answer for others how the fuck am i supposed to know what john and jane doe are and aren't ok with#im so sure they're gonna rip the clothes oh my god#how do people like this get all the stupid deals#i have more experience i live in the same city i have all the proper equipment i can deliver timely#these ppl can't even write a coherent sentence#they've been planning this for “”“”ages“”“” and assume theyr getting wardrobe but i asked what they're getting exactly#AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW#THEN THEY SAID#we're getting x y and z#and i was ok and i planned their looks as they asked#bc btw they cant even dress themselves apparently#anyway i sent it over and then they said#ok so im gonna ckeck if i can get those items#GIRL#THE FUCK YOU MEAN CHECK#thoughts#im sad ultimately
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im going to rant
#i truly feel so alone right now and like nobody cares about me#i moved to an entirely new state and live alone and i dont know anyone#discord used to be full of friends but now everytime i tried talking in any of my servers im basically completely ignored#maybe ill get lucky and get a non verbal reaction in lieu of a response#and then i just tried telling someone hey you shouldnt use slurs because they are bad and offensive#and somehow everyone got mad at ME for not properly explaining why slurs are bad????#and then i kept asking for help someone plesse help me here if im doing bad why wont someone else explain#and then they say its just ‘your fault its all your fault you need to communicate better you started this you keep bringing it up’#but i said multiple times i was done and yet i kept getting pulled back in?$?#i tried talking in another server about it and then just got bitched at and blamed or ignored by people who i was convinced were my friends#but they werent treating me like a friend i felt like a criminal on trial#and i started crying and told them i was crying and then theyre like ‘its not that deep get over it’#and im like it IS that deep to me?? i feel like im going crazy?!#and ive been telling them this entire time how badly in strugglingand how alone i feel and then the election happened#and im like losing my fucking mind over here and NO ORN CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#no one fucking cares about me#thats all this boils down to is not mattering#i dont know#i dont feel like i matter#im tired of being ignored and made to feel like its all my fault#is it my fault????#do i deserve this#do i need to stop talking??? nobod wants to talk to me#i feel like im going insane#i feel crazy#i feel alone and betrayed and abandoned and no one fucking asked if i was okay they just all��#nobody cares#nobody fucking cares#im one bad thing away from killing myself im so serious
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