#bit of a vent post lol

[rainbow-needs-help]

Today on Being Not Cis is Much More Difficult Than Necessary: New Job Edition

I went and drove two towns over so I could file my new hire paperwork to start my new job as an instructional assistant in an elementary school (for those who don’t know, IAs work with teachers to help better accommodate special education students). I’ve wanted to be a teacher for as long as I can remember, and this is a wonderful first step to getting there.

Last night, I went through this fat stack of papers to be completed before filing, and i used my legal name to sign them all because legal documents and such. But I wasn’t worried; there was a note on the first page that says, verbatim: “You will be able to choose a preferred first name for your badge and email address.” So when I got to the badge form, i very proudly and neatly wrote my preferred name because finally, finally I can have the right name on Official Documents.

I left the HR office in tears. According to the district, a preferred name must be derived from your legal name, or your middle name. My preferred name was rejected, and they didn’t even have the decency to spell my deadname correctly.

god i was just. i was so fucking excited to get my badge and write my name. the hr rep crossed my preferred name out on the form and it took everything in me not to break down then and there

[softhe4rted]

on loneliness jenny slate / japanese breakfast, posing for cars / corinne von lebusa, big glow / dadushin / alejandra pizarnik, tr. me / fka twings, home with you / avocado_ibuprofen / fiona apple, left alone / anne carson, “the anthropology of water”, plainwater / kiki smith, free fall / alejandra pizarnik, diaries

[hai-nae]

currently experiencing massive amounts of imposter syndrome. tryin to purge it with relaxing bg warm ups part 1 of my mw 'improvise' series ft price n a screw driver. and a mw comic for my au im ditchin since i missed the vibe i was aimin for

aaand a very pretty man. that was gonna be my roach in my au, but again, way too pretty for my lil bug 😂

[wis-art]

sorry i don't feel safe depicting my body in art!

my bluesky

[manasurge]

Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)

[lynaferns]

I think artists should draw more of their own body features/conditions they are insecure about into their OCs.

Listen, I have seen a lot of people be insecure about something of themselves until they find a character that they really liked with that same features or worse.

Every now and then I think about that ask where someone told me they were scared of getting braces until they saw my eclipse artwork where I decided to give braces to the character because I thought it would look cool.

Because I like how braces look actually. It's not a cosmetic, it's a medical need but it adds something to the character that I like, and irl I think people looks fine with them. So I have never get why people would be insecure about them (or why in cartoons one of the bullied characters would be bullied just because of having braces).

Then I thought how about a year ago I was insecure about my nose septum. It's such a silly thing, I have it just a little pronounced, but it felt bigger by then and I always thought my face would improve a lot if I had a perfect septum...

Until I drew my human versions of Sun and Moon and I gave them big pronounced noses and septum. And I really liked that part of their design, I always had fun drawing their faces, even some people pointed out that they liked it too. Suddenly I was fine with how my nose was.

I think more people should do that, not as a 'must' but as a 'at least try it once'. Try creating a character with imperfections that you would be insecure about. You're not making anything ugly, you're making art.

[ikamigami]

Slight rant I guess lol

I'm probably most likely wrong about Sun cause like honestly I doubt that VAs know what depressive psychosis is and guilt delusion and all that stuff so there's no way that my perspective on Sun is right but it's whatever I guess idk so anyway..

In laes episode I think that Sun was like "why Moon still blames himself when things are my fault".. Sun (at least to me) always seemed to want to help Moon realize that the things that happened to them aren't his fault.. or that's what Sun always thought..

And it somewhat fits with what he told Earth "sometimes I don't know how to help".. he sounded sad.. because he was never able to help Moon realize that things aren't his fault that Sun really don't blame Moon.. but himself..

To me it seems that Sun doesn't want to talk with Jack about his feelings anymore because he said that Jack didn't understand him.. and I really think that it's all about the guilt that Sun feels for how Moon and later Nexus turned out to be.. their suffering and mental issues..

I feel like Sun doesn't care about what will happen to him as long as he won't die solely because he doesn't want to leave his family.. because he knows exactly how it feels when your family member dies.. he went through this so many times..

For me Sun doesn't want to share his feelings on any matter that may reveal how guilty he feels.. that he blames himself and feels like he's a bad person..

But like I said.. it's how it looks like to me.. but 1) I'm not the writer of this show so idk what VAs has planned for Sun 2) things could've pretty much changed regarding Sun's story arc cause like this show has over 2 years so a lot of things happened in VAs lives that could shape later parts of story and 3) I heavily doubt that Sun actually has depressive psychosis cause it's not that common and like Davis said himself they only show stuff that either they themselves experienced or their friends.. which is understandable tbh..

I'm trying to comes to terms with it.. that only I and maybe just a few peeps see Sun this way - depressive psychosis with guilt delusion etc - cause it's highly unlikely that's true..

As much as I doubt that Sun will become Dark Sun 2.0 it's still more likely than what I think about Sun tbh.. heck even theory that Dark Sun is actually Sun from the future is more likely than what I think about Sun..

And that's okay cause this is VAs story and not mine..

It only hurts a little solely because I had learned the hard way that people don't understand how it is to feel guilty on delusional level.. how it is to feel like you're the worst person ever.. but that's my personal experiences..

But idk VAs and their personal experiences that they later base their characters on.. so I'm trying to get over it a little bit..

If later it'll turn out that I was completely wrong about Sun I might continue writing my fic as an AU.. if I really will still feel like it.. cause for now it kinda sucks that no one understands..

This is also why I lost some of the passion that I had for theorizing for sams.. or about Sun.. cause those folks who were rude me made me realize that most people don't get it how it is to feel like you're evil and everything is your fault..

And that's okay but it still hurt how they went about it.. how they ridiculed me and were mean to me..

But maybe it's not that bad cause at least it helped me distance myself from sams and Sun.. like it doesn't matter that no one gets it.. I can't theorize for shit lol but that's fine..

[suddencolds]

.~

[causeimanartist]

Guys, I'm trying - but FUCK I can't draw Bruce or anything

[jamietarttsdaddyissues]

Okay I’m going to say this and I’m going to say this once.

I do not like how the relationship with Jamie’s father was handled in season 3.

If they wanted to go the route of forgiveness they absolutely could have. If they wanted to go the route of his dad going to rehab they absolutely could have. Those are not inherently wrong or bad. It’s a show about forgiveness and I get that. It’s a comedy and Jamie is not the main character - I get that too.

My issue is this: the show went out of its way on multiple occasions to show just how violent and abusive James is. Just to give a few examples:

Repeated physical abuse

Repeated verbal abuse

Planning, funding, and likely pressuring the sexual abuse of his 14 year old son (a minor and below the age of consent in both The Netherlands and the UK regardless of the age of the girl in the red light district)

The willingness to beat Coach Beard (basically a stranger to him) with a metal pipe in a 3 to 1 fight in a back alley which could have realistically resulted in his death (and calling Beard “son” right before the final blow)

Jamie literally gave up his dream - a job as a professional footballer on a top hometown team - to leave the country on a trashy reality show just to get away from his father. The show traced a large portion of Jamie’s issues back to his relationship with his father. Not all of course - but that was a big theme of his growth and development.

So even if we entertain the notion that this stint in rehab was successful and James is sober - that’s great. That’s a storyline I wouldn’t mind hearing - IF we had the appropriate time to show it. But the thing is, we didn’t. This season was disjointed and rushed in many ways - and I’m not complaining - I still loved it. But if they’re going to tackle a topic this serious, they need to do it right. They need to be clear that alcohol was not the only problem James had and that sobriety does not absolve you of accountability. As important as it is to portray the message that all human beings can change, including addicts, it is equally as important to show the serious work that addicts in recovery put in to address the hurt that they caused through their addiction. It is not easy work to battle addiction and to mend relationships - sometimes part of recovery is accepting that you can’t mend things with everyone you’ve hurt and that is the right of the victim to decide how they feel.

We were shown none of this. What we got instead was:

A speech from Jamie’s mom about how he is still amazing despite his dad while still somehow crediting Jamie’s talent to his dad’s abuse

Ted telling Jamie to forgive his dad as he’s mid-panic about his safety and his dad’s location

Ted making a point to say the forgiveness was for Jamie’s sake, not for James - which was ALMOST good until they ruined it

Denbo and Bug suddenly supportive despite being just as violent as James in 2x09

James suddenly in rehab for 0.2 seconds

Jamie reaching out to his dad via text despite having no idea his dad is in rehab - something that is realistically compromising his physical and emotional safety

A quick clip of Jamie bonding with his father before the season/series ends for good

The reason I connected with Jamie so intensely from season 1 was the shared experience of abuse from my father. I want to be clear that I know I’m projecting - that’s what fandom is - and I in no way expected the show to end exactly as I wanted. However, this is what I would have liked to see as 1) an abuse survivor 2) a licensed therapist and 3) a person:

The message that you can heal without forgiving those who hurt you OR that you can forgive them and still not allow them back into your life (ESPECIALLY if it compromises your safety)

The message that sometimes people don’t change for the better and you can grieve that relationship while still fostering healthier ones elsewhere.

An emphasis on support systems and chosen family when someone doesn’t have the reality of a parent or partner getting better (we saw this with Bex seeking out Rebecca and Rupert’s assistant)

Instead of Man City suddenly cheering for Jamie, which felt insanely unrealistic, having the cheers of Richmond fans drown out the boos and verbal assaults of the Man City crowd - further emphasizing that despite the pain he has attached to Man City and his father, he has a home with Richmond.

So to wrap up this very long rant, I feel very disheartened by this part of the season. I still love Ted Lasso and always will - there were so many parts of this season I absolutely adored and wouldn’t trade for anything - but I feel that they dropped the ball on this one. Most people don’t get to repair relationships with abusive parents. Is it possible? Of course. Is it important to depict that it can happen? Absolutely. It’s a show about forgiveness. But they didn’t need to do it like this for Jamie’s storyline. They could have kept the speech about forgiving James for Jamie’s sake and deleted all of the rehab/texting afterwards. I still wouldn’t have been thrilled but it would have made more sense to me in context of the show. And it would have meant a lot more to me as someone who’s father is unlikely to ever stop being a risk to my safety.

This just felt bad. Jamie Tartt had one of the best arcs I’ve ever seen in media and he deserved better than that.

[whump-is-love-whump-is-life]

Thinking about that time before the betrayal. Those moments of happiness, of safety, of trust

When you think back to those moments and they’re forever tainted. When you’re just going about your day and memories hit you and they hit you hard. So many emotions in the present moment. How could someone so horrible seem so good? Were there moments you missed? Signs they aren’t who you thought? How could you not know?

How could they do this to you? To others? How dare they pretend they’re anything but a monster— and they are, always have been. You know it now and you feel so stupid for having not before.

How can you ever trust again?

[notahorseindisguise]

okay so ive just realised that that feeling i sometimes get where i see a girl and that girl is very comfortable being a girl and they just have that girlhood about them and it comes easy and i see her and i start feeling lightheaded and it makes me want to throw up . this feeling i get sometimes. ive always known it was like. envy. but ive only just realised that this feeling is probably like. what people describe as "gender envy". does that make sense? like i knew i was envious of their gender, but ive only just put the actual term people use for it to the feeling. and the reason it took me so long to realise that this is gender envy is because of the way ive heard the phrase "gender envy" talked about. ive like. only ever seen it used in a positive way. under like the comments of a video posted by someone who looks cool you know. like "wow you give me massive gender envy!!" and like. i guess as im not really properly trans, i guess i cant comment on this phenomenon? and i mean its not like its hurting anyone so it doesnt matter? but i feel like when you say that, what you really mean to say is "wow you look super cool!!" because like. when i feel gender envy its because i see a girl comfortable in her own skin laughing with her friends. and. the envy i feel isnt a cute little "wow she looks cool" type thing its a "im going to throw up, im never going to feel comfortable as myself, i need to cry now" type thing . and so im like. look sorry this is all over the place. i think what im asking is like. hi guys. new to the whole transgender thing. what the fuck is gender envy. i used to think it was a good feeling but now that ive realised what my gender envy is i dont think it is and that makes me wonder why people talk about it like it is.

[telesodalite]

With Krok now on my mind, it's reminded me of like, the whole deal of him coping with the loss of his squad by believing they'd just become separated? Because that bit is such a fascinating aspect of his character to me.

It's vague in a way that doesn't totally confirm whether he truly 100% deluded himself, or if he just kept telling himself that to try and distract from the truth and memories he didn't want to face.

(Which, for some reason this pisses Misfire off? Which implies something really interesting there about Misfire and his own coping mechanisms and issues that we don't get much of a peer into unfortunately.)

Anyway, I spent way too long thinking about it when I was reading through the comics. And it's like, did studying battles and strategy play a part in this delusion/lie?

Like, you're a being that lives for millions of years, in the middle of a war spanning those millions of years. So, at some point, surely those battles are going to start to blur together. So you've got that, and then you go and face a frankly horrifically traumatic fight that quite literally rips the people you cared about most, and felt responsible for, apart.

Presumably, Decepticons aren't the greatest at handling shell shock and other such side effects of war. So they just take this freshly traumatized mess of a dude, take him off the front lines and plant him on a warworld to aid the fight from a more comfortable distance.

With all this, the mind is bound to be fickle when faced with such sudden loss and change. But Krok obviously did his job there, or at least he was very knowledgeable on history and tactics beforehand.

Either way, he studied battle after battle, went through records of fight after fight, planned for what's next and reconsidered what had already happened. Hundreds of wins and losses.

So did it get jumbled there? In having a head full of battles, did some of them blur and mix with the one that took everything away from him? In trying to solve the failures of past battles, did he try and find where a victory could've been had against the wreckers that day? Did he find a solution that would've had his squad still whole and alive?

From there, did it slip into delusion, or a desperate lie to keep himself going?

I feel like his "mental health matters" moment was an interesting insight into it and possibly the average soldier's rough outlook on trauma. But it was still very surface level I think, but I guess going too deep into the why's and how's wouldn't have been important until maybe the Scavenger centric comics that uh, never happened :/

[skunkes]

deleting that post bc complainerism works once again, yippee!

[oatmealcrisp-freak]

i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who chatted with/replied to me yesterday RE my frustration over the shipping argument among other posts quq it was sincerely reassuring!! i'm sorry for not replying to everything, i hardcore ran out of energy for the conversation and it started to feel like, idk, i just dont like being angry rofl sorry too for getting a bit over the top yesterday, and thank you again for your kindness and support!!

[violetdisasterzone]

it's kind of sad to say but sometimes I think I'm not cut out for fandom. I've always been more of a lurker than a contributor anyway, but even then I feel like I might just be too much of a canon purist to really be part of them. so much of being on the internet is about curating your own experience, but fanon (mis)interpretations/characterizations are so rampant in some spaces, treated as canon to such an extent that some people literally believe they ARE, that they're often hard to avoid completely.

the point of fandom isn't supposed to be nitpicking every little thing for accuracy, obviously. I like talking with people about my favorite things, and seeing how my thoughts and interpretations match up with theirs. I don't expect everyone's experience with whatever media to be the same. but I think a lot of people view canon as something separate, as something they get to play around with and take the parts they like and change what they don't. and that's fine, but I don't really get it, not entirely. I like playing around with hypotheticals and what-ifs and stuff, but to me canon is always going to be superior/unchangeable. and it's even worse when people will try to use canon to explain that their blatantly fanon-based interpretations are, in fact, canon somehow. and it gets even WORSE when it turns into actual discourse, and suddenly people are claiming that not following their fanon interpretation means something about your real-life values.

it's just kind of exhausting sometimes. I love a lot of y'all on here and it can be so fun to be a part of things, even mostly from the sidelines. but sometimes all I want is to close social media forever and reread my novels in peace