#lol I need to go back to therapy

[whump-is-love-whump-is-life]

Thinking about that time before the betrayal. Those moments of happiness, of safety, of trust

When you think back to those moments and they’re forever tainted. When you’re just going about your day and memories hit you and they hit you hard. So many emotions in the present moment. How could someone so horrible seem so good? Were there moments you missed? Signs they aren’t who you thought? How could you not know?

How could they do this to you? To others? How dare they pretend they’re anything but a monster— and they are, always have been. You know it now and you feel so stupid for having not before.

How can you ever trust again?

[rakiah]

SO 🙏 MUCH 🙏 FEELS 🙏 AND 🙏 YELLING 🙏

[6-epigraphs]

Have we ever seen this old man being affectionate with drivers or other juniors? Or just Yuki? I don't even think I've seen him this close to Max and Seb (off the podium at least)

Brother.

[anxiousgaypanicking]

me when i want to accept writing commissions vs the depression thats been eating me inside and out

[chainsawprophecy]

what's crazy as fuck to me is that the bad kids literally went through kipperlily's therapy notes and everyone's falling over backwards to justify that but god fucking forbid someone who lost her best and only friend in the world has anger issues. you bitches would not have survived the vriska trenches.

[shima-draws]

My doctor: Hey yeah that's not normal I don't think it's an issue with your hip

Me: Oh?

My doctor: It's an issue with your spine

Me: OH

[deliciousdietdrpepper]

Something painful I’ve realized about POTs is that it’s alienating. Specifically, when everyone else has a head full of thoughts, when in a episode, it’s as if when I talk to them I’m not there. Mental connections are few and far between, and when in an episode, I might say things and voice insecurities that I otherwise wouldn’t. So when I’m in that position, I just don’t talk to people anymore. In a group, everyone will continue talking, but because it takes so long to piece what I’m truly thinking together, and so much effort to say it, I won’t bring up my thoughts or opinions—and that’s Bad! For relationships! I’ve realized that I have an unhealthy well of jealousy for people who are able to connect to each other—the able-bodied and able-minded. It’s not kind, and it’s not sustainable. Yet, I have to continue living with this condition. No option there. No cure, just a million little micro-adjustments in the hope that they bring me closer to myself and others. A gallon of water, testosterone, adhd medication, blood pressure medication—none of it separates me completely from the struggle to think and speak and move. I’m divorced from my own intelligence and intuition.

At the end of the day, I’m responsible for the insecurities I bring to the table, and those are formed within a situation outside of my control, and so unique that it doesn’t relate with the majority of people. Built in neurosis. Maybe this is why disabled voices are so important. I don’t know anyone in my own life who struggles to participate the same way I do, or if they do, their struggle is as invisible to me as mine is to them.

[ana-rends]

i would rather live with ana for the rest of my life than binge like this ever again

[runawaymun]

.

[widevibratobitch]

omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee

[mzannthropy]

My story of the week is how I went outside to touch grass, bc I felt let down by not being able to watch Sam Claflin's new film bc it's not showing anywhere in UK, so much so that I considered ending my fan-ship, only to be, while outside touching grass, faced with a street sign that said Dimples Lane. (It's in Haworth, West Yorkshire, if anyone wants to check it out on a map.) As @jesstasticvoyage privately told me, I just cannot escape him. Maybe not just a humble street sign, but a sign from the universe?

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.

[arvoze]

do the beast dungeon protags have names? I noticed you only tag them by their species (I want to know more about them smiles)

unfortunately I took this and ran with it as a summary instead of "yeah this is their names"

yes! well, half and half. sudowoodo is quite literally just called sudowoodo, but the nuzleaf is called locke! every now and then, some of my pokemon just don't receive names, because nothing seems to fit in my head (and I like to think that some pokemon just don't feel obligated to go by any particular name). locke is named after, well, i'm sure you can figure that out (nuzlockes LOL)

their team is called "two guys", cuz they're two guys. despite this, they'll eventually recruit fries (zigzagoon, she/her), unnamed veluza (might just be called veluza, undetermined pronouns) & unnamed geodude (she/her). they rarely work as a full team (locke fucking hates everybody), they're more of just A Group (the "team" is still sudolocke, others just tag along or split off). they all live in the same kind of vicinity and all have a similar life goal/interest: some kind of life involving pursuing... flower maintenance. of some kind.

the above is primarily sudowoodo's dream. he wants to find a legendary seed and grow a legendary tree/flower, and deal with everything else along the way; he doesn't go into dungeons to rescue people (that's a plus), he's solely focused on his own personal task. locke has absolutely no goals and aspirations, originally sticking around sudowoodo after hearing about his goals because he thought it was *so* stupid, that he just had to be there to watch sudowoodo fail (in actuality, he had absolutely nothing going on in his life. it's true he followed sudowoodo just to mock him and piss him off, but locke ended up becoming genuinely attached, fully taking on sudowoodo's dream as his own. though he would never admit to any of this to anyone other than sudowoodo lol)

the pair are yaoiful in a situationship kind of way. like they're in love but they're uncertain about it and neither of them would necessarily call eachother boyfriends/say "i love you" all that often if at all/so on so forth. everyone around them just assumes they've got something weird going on. genuinely have no idea how to describe how these two feel about eachother LMAO

(fries just thinks a place full of flowers is Cool, veluza would like a chill place to finally relax that will also be considerate of fish mons, geodude herself has plants and moss growing on her head so seeing other mons dedicate their time towards nurturing a space like this has her wanting to get involved as much as possible; this curated space is like a home to all five of them. the intent is for it to be a pretty decently-sized place they'll all come to manage, kind of eventually becoming like a flower garden/nature reserve/all that)

unfortunately things turn a bit south when sudowoodo & locke end up in silverwood tangle (forest), a wrong place wrong time situation. this becomes the introduction of beast dungeons themselves (mystery dungeons helmed by ultra beasts). this is where the meat of everything begins which i won't get into here because i've already rambled overtime but SHDHDGSGF i know people are typically around for VV and not DC:BD (bluesky feed numbers are a big tell of this), but they're my silly guys and i like em :-]

[coridallasmultipass]

Halloween costume hint:

(The stitch marker and the word that describes this colour-pattern of yarn [or fabric] are 2 more hints.)

[chronurgy]

.

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

I'm working on a project on my computer and vaping, this is the closest I've been to my normal pain level in days. I know it won't last, especially not when I'm trying to sleep later.

Trying to ignore the guilt of disappearing from work for three days, when the last time I did that it was my mental breakdown two years ago.