#I want to be the best version of myself for the people in my life
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I've been thinking about this recently for myself, questioning whether I might be hateful or petty, because some people in my life have been stressing me out and I've had a lot of negative thoughts about them. It challenged my self-concept of being a positive person who sees the best in everyone. The difference between the person I want to be and the version of myself that I fear is what I do. Do I still treat people with decency and appropriately? Do I still try to be kind where I can? Then fuck man, I might not secretly be a bad person after all, just a person with more than one dimension doing their best in the world. And most importantly here, not hurting marginalized people.
I've been a little confused by the revisionist history of people saying Dave Chappelle was never funny. Maybe not everyone dug him, but he has been on quite a few GOAT lists for stand up. During his peak in the 2000s it was not uncommon for folks to consider him the best performing stand up since Carlin and Pryor. I was among those people. Perhaps the people saying he was never funny were too young to appreciate him during that time. I don't know.
But I don't think we need to pretend like he always sucked. His fall from grace is an important thing to acknowledge. With people like him and JK Rowling, we are collectively trying to figure out how to deal with artists we love letting us down. It's a good conversation to have. If we just say "well, they always sucked" I think we are avoiding dealing with it.
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dumbass-brunette · 20 hours ago
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Sublime and cane user Adrien, because he was originally meant to be a cane user :3
Which
On the topic of Sublime…
I’ve seen so much hate for Sublime for “being a Mary Sue” and personally I vehemently disagree.
I’m disabled and my younger sister is an amputee and I love Sublime. I see a lot of myself and my sister in her. Her drive to be the best version of herself, the pressure to always be perfect to makeup for her disability, this idea that you have to tackle everything yourself, and not ask for help because you don’t want to “manipulate people” using your disability.
I love the representation of the very real pressure that’s put on disabled people to be a perfect person. I feel like it’s something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough when it comes to disabled representation. The pressure her mom and society places on her contributing to this so common feeling among disabled people that you need to be perfect to makeup for your disability
I love Sublime. I love that she joked about her disability because as someone who uses humor as a coping mechanism I related to it a lot.
I loved the scene where even after her prosthetics broke she felt the need to pretend everything was alright.
Watching her put her own needs on the back burner, I got a bit choked up because I find myself often doing the exact same thing with my own needs due to insecurities about my disability. I’m so dead set on doing everything myself because society has taught me that I’m an annoyance for struggling, I feel the need to pretend things are okay when they aren’t and often suffer in silence because I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be upset about my disability.
Sublime is truly and honestly one of the most relatable and well written disabled characters in my opinion and I will defend her with my life
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girlwith15cents · 1 day ago
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Oversharing on the internet about ADHD
I've been trying to write this post for awhile now. It relates to my previous post about mental disabilities. But it's proving difficult cause it keeps sounding too pathetic, but that's kinda the point.
I, in my present, have an idea of who I am. My interests, how I act, how I dress, who I associate with, my gender expression. These are all observable things. Ways that other people can form opinions on me. These are, by most means, who I am.
However, who I want to be is pretty drastically separate from that. I know a version of me that I can try and project but will always fall short of. I want to learn and enjoy makeup. I want a larger wardrobe of clothes that I genuinely like. I want to learn an instrument. I want to get into streaming games for fun. I want to be able to take my friends out to dinner and buy them gifts and go around the city with them. I have so many ideas for tattoos and I have piercings I want to get. There are so many things I want and yet cannot have and have no real avenue to get.
The reason I cannot reach for these (very reasonable) things is because of my lack of capital and personal agency. Extremely debilitating executive dysfunction has stripped me of any milestones of adulthood someone of my age might be seeing. I've never been able to hold a job without growing deeply suicidal due to the effort required. Hobbies cost money. Rent costs money. Expressions of the self cost money. I have always had to exist within the confines of someone else's generosity to take care of me. It has stripped me of opportunities to grow as a person. It has made me less and less who I want to be and more who I am.
All too often because of this people don't take me seriously. Financial burden that I am, I have learned to make myself small better than any other skill. I choke up when asked to assert my wants. I put others first. I'm quiet and guarded. Any strive to make myself the person I want to be feels deeply embarrassing. Like a child who is convinced they're something they aren't. So people who meet me see the child. They see the loser who won't take steps towards employment because they're lazy. They see the girl who orbits a social group but never belongs. They see a nice girl who has far less desirable qualities than the other candidate for this job position. It hurts so fucking bad to be condescended to without any ability to rebut it.
So when does it end? When I find work that won't end up being the death of me? When our government wises up and pushes for UBI or expands upon disability payments? When they invent adderal that doesn't have a million side effects? When I get sick of it and give up? There's no real end in sight, and every time ADHD gets laughed at as a pop-psych joke it gets further away. Am I doomed to be a child forever? When will I see the respect I know I deserve?
And sure, pathologizing behavior is 'bad'. Maybe the answer to all my woes is to grit my teeth harder than I already have been my entire life. Maybe the real reason I see no forward movement is because I'm projecting my own helplessness. But can't it be a little easier? Everyone else is having a rough time, but at least they're having a time. The behavior I exhibit is very normal to neurotypical people on a bad day, but it makes up my entire existence. And it sure feels a hell of a lot more severe than someone having a day of bad focus.
The fucked up thing about it is that I like me. The present me and the me I want to be. We both have so much to offer. We're both one of the best friends you've ever had. We both have skills and qualities that make us very likeable people. But these qualities have little to no monetary value. Any way that I could monetize it would also require investment. Investment that I cannot make without agency. So I'm stuck as a vague bundle of good qualities and talents that everyone sees so much potential in and is eagerly awaiting a moment where I channel it somewhere. A moment that will never occur without agency.
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deliciousdietdrpepper · 3 months ago
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Something painful I’ve realized about POTs is that it’s alienating. Specifically, when everyone else has a head full of thoughts, when in a episode, it’s as if when I talk to them I’m not there. Mental connections are few and far between, and when in an episode, I might say things and voice insecurities that I otherwise wouldn’t. So when I’m in that position, I just don’t talk to people anymore. In a group, everyone will continue talking, but because it takes so long to piece what I’m truly thinking together, and so much effort to say it, I won’t bring up my thoughts or opinions—and that’s Bad! For relationships! I’ve realized that I have an unhealthy well of jealousy for people who are able to connect to each other—the able-bodied and able-minded. It’s not kind, and it’s not sustainable. Yet, I have to continue living with this condition. No option there. No cure, just a million little micro-adjustments in the hope that they bring me closer to myself and others. A gallon of water, testosterone, adhd medication, blood pressure medication—none of it separates me completely from the struggle to think and speak and move. I’m divorced from my own intelligence and intuition.
At the end of the day, I’m responsible for the insecurities I bring to the table, and those are formed within a situation outside of my control, and so unique that it doesn’t relate with the majority of people. Built in neurosis. Maybe this is why disabled voices are so important. I don’t know anyone in my own life who struggles to participate the same way I do, or if they do, their struggle is as invisible to me as mine is to them.
#I want to be the best version of myself for the people in my life#but unfortunately the best version of myself isn’t there when I go looking#and I try! if I wasn’t trying it wouldn’t hurt so much#but I find myself responsible for this body and mind despite my best efforts to distinguish myself from it#it’s entangled in me#awful awful#I know that if I didn’t have pots or even had a less severe case#I’d be better to the people in my life#more responsible for my needs and desires#and a more fulfilled person in general#so I feel guilty about my disability#and don’t want to share myself with people because they aren’t getting the version of me that I relate to the most#if I could go back to the woodshop and build me different I would#because i struggle to accept the burden that is a neurological disability in addition to neurodivergence#like how can I tell people that I feel like I’ve been walking around with a brain tumor without them being freaked out? I can’t#so I have to either hide what I’m going through or justify it to people because of their misunderstanding and internalized ableism#and often people aren’t even aware that they’re living with that#invisible disability#my beloathed#postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome#pots#potsie#had a bad last few hours at work#and feel guilty about my disability#it sucks#I want to be free of this#fated to struggle. destined to longing for the little things.#disabilities#disability#I hope cognitive behavioral therapy can account for this lol.
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tobyisave · 3 days ago
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Omg hey! Thanks for taking the time to engage/share your thoughts even though you don't fully agree, I really appreciate it. And I don’t really disagree with you here, I just want to reply with my thoughts since you raised some interesting points!
Learned behaviors vs experiential gap: Absolutely the empathy/emotions thing is my weak link here, I'd call it a shameless projection that isn't necessarily supported by but consistent with canon lol. The only part I'd be reluctant to concede is the low empathy thing, but ultimately, an alternative interpretation where he's just really damn good at repressing is viable as well!
The learned behavior interpretation as you put it definitely makes sense, and I get the impression that it's more popular too. Kokichi's a really confusing guy and I think the interpretations we find most intuitive are probably going be the ones that relate his thought process to experiences we're familiar with, because that helps us grasp some semblance of humanity within him. All this to say I don't think there's anything that makes my explanation any better than yours; like you said, the truth is ambiguous, and I think it's best to gather as many different plausible interpretations as possible even if they don't lead to an "answer," because it lets us appreciate his writing and our relationship to our own interpretations. So I really appreciate you taking the time to put your version in words!
Gonta: On a similar note, I've basically lost hope that we'll ever know for certain what was going on in Kokichi's head here — and in spite of my giant footnote, I don't actually have a well-formed opinion myself — but I really like your point that his words gave Gonta peace of mind. Ironically I think I overlooked that angle because I didn't see a pragmatic reason to do anything solely for Gonta's benefit, since at this point Gonta's fate is sealed and his emotional state has no bearing on the future (aside from its effect on others, which has pretty much already maxed out with 'pity'). But consideration for the truth Gonta sees in his final moments makes total sense from the perspective of a Kokichi who's more emotionally 'typical,' and your interpretation is compelling; it gives more weight to the specific words he says, rather than just anything plausible to mislead people on why he's crying... I'll definitely have to think that over after this.
Paranoia: Another great point that I completely failed to address. I agree he's a little paranoid, or at least a reasonable amount of paranoid given the game they're in. Subbing that in as the cause of emotional disconnection in my analysis is really interesting... At the very least, I agree that paranoia would definitely add to the impression that these are all sham conversations. Though to confidently form an opinion on this I'd have to go back and look at the lies he tells in the killing game versus everyday life with that lens. My current impression is that his lying is too deeply ingrained to have developed situationally, so if I took his social detachment as a result of paranoia then I'd have to conclude that Kokichi is constantly paranoid. Which is not my opinion, but I'm sure it could be argued. In that case, in an everyday environment, the 'low empathy/emotion' version of Kokichi mostly neglects to tell people about himself because he doesn't care, while the 'learned behavior' + paranoia version actively avoids people knowing anything about him. Neither is an explanation of his lying per se, but the former would facilitate his compulsive lying, while the latter might not facilitate lying but does create a stronger motivation to lie.
Here and in other cases, I think a lot of the difference between these two headcanons just comes down to how good you think Kokichi is at acting and ignoring his emotions. 'Low empathy' Kokichi doesn't actually fight his instincts much, at least until shit really hits the fan, and that’s part of why that explanation appeals to me. Meanwhile 'learned behavior' Kokichi is frequently suppressing his instincts, successfully enough that I almost have trouble imagining someone being able to act that well (grain of salt, that’s *definitely* a blind spot for me - and more importantly, he is an Ultimate so I can’t put any kind of talent past him). My own reservations aside, the interpretation of Kokichi as someone naturally social who constantly has to fight his instincts definitely has its own merit; it’s emotionally compelling (in a pretty unique way that’s very different from mine) and probably more accessible as well.
Well, hope you didn't mind me writing an essay response to your response to my essay here lmao. I'm definitely starting to appreciate how challenging it is to figure this guy out; it's almost the opposite of the SDR2 problem, where Komaeda tells you his mindset from the get-go but the game never gives you a moment to recontextualize his actions after his death. V3 points at Kokichi and goes look, a mystery! we must recontextualize his actions! and then proceeds to give us basically nothing to go off of. All I can really aim to do is propose something with consistent internal logic, and I'm very glad if you think I managed to do that.
Again thanks for the rb, it's a treat to get such a long comment on my analysis!!
Character analysis: Why does Kokichi lie?
I think lying is more than just a means to an end for Kokichi, so this is my personal understanding of Kokichi's habitual lying, centered on the headcanon that he experiences his own emotions very weakly.
In a vain attempt to make this post more streamlined, I've isolated most textual examples into footnotes at the bottom; probably only read them if you don’t buy what I’m saying in the sentence prior. Lastly, if you disagree with something I say here and choose to make it known: probably read the footnotes first, and regardless please just be nice about it :')
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"If I wanna become closer to Shuichi, I probably shouldn't lie so much... But that's my shtick... or more like, my way of life..." (Kokichi's inner thoughts from Salmon Team)
Small lies vs Big lies
To start this off, I need to clarify that there's (at least) two very different kinds of Kokichi lies. First are the “big” lies, like being the mastermind or lies about the nature of DICE. Big lies are consistent, told with a “straight face,” and well thought-out, because they usually serve some kind of strategic purpose [e.g. footnote 1]. But those aren't the kind of lies I'm aiming to explain here, because they're already well discussed and follow a pretty understandable logic.
I'm focusing on what I call "small" or compulsive lies: trivial claims & performed emotions that are usually not believed for long, either because they’re too outlandish or because he or someone else disproves them. For example, sobbing that he hates coffee and then asking for a cup of coffee; or telling the seance participants he's "actually super duper strong," despite knowing full well they're about to watch him struggle to carry the iron cage [more ex. in note 2]. Most of Kokichi's lies fall into this category imo, especially in low-stakes environments like Salmon Team and UTDP. Unlike big lies, "small" lies are somewhat unique to Kokichi, he tells/performs them constantly regardless of context, and they don’t serve a very clear purpose.
Masking
I think Kokichi got very good at performing emotions from a young age in order to mask the fact that he doesn't experience empathy or other emotions very strongly. And maybe that sounds like a very specific headcanon, but just stick with me here... [and/or see note 3 for one line of evidence]. Failing to emote convincingly would’ve not only made it difficult to exist in everyday society, but it probably would’ve put an even bigger target on his back as a criminal, too… So yeah, he learned.
But as it turns out, spending an (admittedly very short) lifetime pretending to have emotions you don’t actually have is a fantastic way to:
Start feeling detached from the people around you,
Start seeing everyone else as suckers for buying it, and
Very quickly lose any moral qualms about lying — after all, people would attack him from every direction if he was honest about his feelings towards them (or lack thereof), so how is it fair that they want to punish him for lying, too? There’s just no winning!
My interpretation boils down to this: Kokichi lies compulsively because he is deeply bored, and the kick he gets out of deceiving people is one of the only things he finds consistently rewarding about talking to them. Most social interactions already feel like lies to him because he is constantly forced to mask, so he might as well tell fun lies about being a supervillain instead of boring, easy lies about wanting to be friends with everyone.
(Continued under the cut)
Not all lies are strategic
I think it's easy to assume at first that the only reason to lie is for some sort of material influence: changing others' behavior or hiding undesirable truths, either for your own selfish gain or the greater good. Definitely, there is a purpose like that for most of Kokichi's "big" lies, and even some of his "small" ones (e.g. the kind of short-lived lies both he and Shuichi tell in order to advance the Class Trials). But even in retrospect, not every lie he tells can be explained with an external motivation like that, selfish OR unselfish.
I think telling "small" lies is more of a habit for Kokichi than a strategic choice, something he can't quit even when it becomes an actively bad strategy (hence "compulsive"). But if you’re already with me on this, feel free to just skip to the next section :P
A. Small lies aren't meant to be believed.
I don't think Kokichi tells lies in order to actually mislead people most of the time — because if he wanted people to believe his small lies, then he wouldn't be constantly retracting them. Many (or even most) of his small lies are soon followed up with “It’s a lie!”, either literally or by demonstrating/implying that it’s untrue [e.g. note 2 again]. [For some possible exceptions to this rule, see note 4].
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Fig 1: Kokichi struggling not to give himself away after Monotarou believes his outlandish lie (V3 manga anthology). While I think this instance is a bit exaggerated, it nicely draws attention to the fact that he enjoys revealing his own lies.
By Kokichi's own doing, there is often a net 0 change in what people believe by the time they reach the end of a conversation with him. E.g. Kaede doesn't walk away from their FTE thinking Kokichi is her long-lost companion, Shuichi doesn't walk away from Salmon Team thinking Kokichi is obsessed with dumpster diving, etc. This suggests that Kokichi's not trying to change the perceived truth, he's just interested in the momentary act of tricking people.
B. Kokichi doesn’t tell small lies to alter his social standing, for better OR for worse.
I think the first half of this is self evident — I mean, if he was trying to gain status, he's doing a terrible job! He is aware of what behavior is required to make people like you and listen to you, and he is patently not doing that. 
You might then argue that he’s doing the opposite: intentionally bombing his reputation to build up to Ch.5 so that people would readily believe he’s the mastermind. While I do think his annoying lies ended up helping on that front, I don’t think his mastermind plan is the cause of this behavior, because...
Firstly, we still see him lie constantly in contexts where there's no clear advantage to being hated (UTDP, Salmon Team).
Secondly: Crying wolf is one of many great strategies to make people hate you... but it is a uniquely terrible strategy to make people believe you. If you were really going to create an evil mastermind persona out of thin air, "pretending to be a lying attention-seeker" is just not the most logical way to go about it; that would only make it harder for you to convince people that you're actually being serious when you do the big reveal that you're the mastermind [for a note on Junko, see 5]. That's why I don't think the compulsive liar thing is an act; instead the evil persona we see in game is just the result of leaning into traits people already disliked about him. The reason he tells so many meaningless small lies during the killing game is just that he already was, and is, a compulsive liar.
Again, there are some "big" lies, lies he doesn't go back on, that he tells in order to tank his reputation (e.g. "The more you suffer, the more I enjoy it"). But those big lies aren't enhanced at all by the fact that he walks around telling people the sky is green, you know? That might make people hate him, but it's not the wisest way to do so while still maintaining control over people.
Finally, regarding the argument that he tanks his credibility in order to mask his own emotions, see note [6].
So, with all that said... Why even tell these lies, if they don't give him more control over the situation, his classmates, or the truth?
Boredom
I believe Kokichi’s small lies are primarily driven by boredom. Yes, his complaints of boredom are probably meant to tie him to Junko (narratively) and justify enjoying the killing game. But I do think he’s also genuinely, chronically bored. Just because he doesn’t have vivid emotions doesn’t mean his brain isn’t expecting him to have vivid emotions, if that makes sense, so there’s just a constant lack of stimulus that leaves him restless.
On that note, I think it's difficult for him to maintain interest in everyday conversations. There's not usually a lot at stake for him, because he doesn't feel much about the people around him, and isn't interested in pretending that he does just so they can feel "connected" to a version of him that doesn't actually exist [but see 7].
It doesn't matter to him which path he takes when navigating everyday social interactions, so if he has to get through those interactions anyway, he's going to take the road less traveled. Pointing fingers, confessing to murder, and spontaneously bursting into tears… it’s not usually to accomplish anything in particular. It's more like doing backflips in an empty prison cell: equally as useless as rotting on the floor, but marginally more entertaining.
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Fig 2: Kokichi consciously using lies to entertain himself. His dissatisfaction with the lie appears to be unrelated to whether or not it was believed; I suspect this is because the claim was so mundane that convincing Shuichi of it wouldn't have been very impressive in the first place.
But what's actually fun about lying?
I think this constant need for entertainment is what motivates a lot of Kokichi's social behaviors, not just lying. But he clearly has a special relationship with lies in particular. I think this is partially because of his perception of himself as "fake" (in the literal sense), but more importantly because lies are a versatile, challenging, and (relatively) harmless way to get reactions out of people.
Lying poses creative and intellectual challenges: Introducing lies basically doubles the amount of social calculations required to participate in conversation [elaboration in note 8].
Lying creates artificial stakes by reimagining ordinary conversations as competitions. By playing a game of "how many times can I fool this person in one sitting?" he creates an internal motivation to engage in conversation and perform social behaviors convincingly (at least, for short periods of time). External pressures like “being liked” aren’t usually enough to motivate that.
Lying allows him to emotionally occupy extreme scenarios without actually creating extreme scenarios. If he wants to raise tensions high enough that he can actually feel them, lying is one of the less destructive ways to do so, because it's entirely verbal (including body language, that is) and thus avoids material risk/harm. Now that's not to say it doesn't hurt people [e.g. note 9]. In fact, that's often the point; I wouldn't call him a sadist in the traditional sense, but there is something gratifying about triggering twinges of guilt and empathy in yourself if you don't normally have access to those feelings.
All this to say, Kokichi's habitual small lies aren't driven by a desire to create genuine misunderstandings, or to make people do what he wants [note 10]. I think what he actually seeks from social situations is little bursts of catharsis from witnessing other people’s emotions, and the feeling of control or "winning" that comes solely from being able to deceive them and get those reactions. 
Going "it's a lie!" right after is a really important part of this. It's a punchline, a tiny power trip, a kind of "Bingo!" he can use to declare victory. He doesn't necessarily want people to believe what he said, he just wants them to know that he totally got them and he'll do it again. Because what’s even the point of coming up with all these lies if people are just going to believe them and obliviously move on?
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Lying as satire
Finally, and I’ll admit my thoughts on this aren’t quite as fleshed out, but I almost imagine Kokichi's lies as a form of satire, given that one of the few things he seems genuinely (?) passionate about is his right to lie. That is to say, it means something to him, in addition to being internally rewarding. He's had to present a false persona of himself from day one, after all — but now that he's a self-proclaimed bad guy, there's a lot less pressure to do it well. Performing those social behaviors in random, nonsensical patterns, and telling lies that feel just as true as the "honest conversation" he's learned to fake... it's like a form of indignant social button-mashing. It doesn't really matter if his performance conveys a coherent image of a person or not, because it was always arbitrary to him in the first place, you know?
….And I think I'm just going to stop myself there before this gets any longer. Tysm for reading!!!! <3
Disclaimer
…Actually that was a lie, let me get on my soapbox real quick. I think it's safe to say this essay hinges on Kokichi having some form of neurodivergence, however you want to label it. Personally I see him as having some antisocial traits, but I didn’t want to make that a silver bullet, and I thought it’d make more sense to just take the specific traits I see in him and work backwards from there. With that in mind, I want to make it abundantly clear that I don’t mean to assign any moral value to emotions. I can’t say this headcanon is entirely based on my own experiences, but there's a reason I connect with it, and I don't think anyone should be judged or labeled inhuman for emotions they do or do not have.
Moreover, while I explicitly take the stance that his emotions are morally neutral, I am explicitly NOT taking a stance on the morality of his behaviors. My intention here was just to explain them logically. Between you and me, just trust that I'm a Kokichi enjoyer and I did my best to consider things from his perspective.
Credits
Game screencaps from justonegamr and JakkHearts on Youtube. Manga screencap from Mangadex.
I also want to plug this analysis by @/g0nta-g0kuhara — I'm honestly not sure how much of my analysis aligns with/borrows from theirs, but it's definitely one of the posts that informs my current understanding of Kokichi, so it'd feel weird not to at least mention it. Consider giving it a read!
Finally, shout out to @thedaythatwas for peer reviewing this meta!!
Footnotes
These were mostly off the top of my head, so if I got anything wrong, feel free to (again, nicely) point it out ^^;
 “Big lies serve a strategic purpose” Big lies are also what I'd call the "normal" type of lies, just like Maki's Child Caregiver lie, or Komaeda's fake bomb threat — they're meant to be believed and to influence people's decisions. Examples of Kokichi's "big lies": those he tells in order to impersonate the Mastermind (e.g. claiming he loves the killing game); lies to Miu (being oblivious to her murder plot) and Gonta (believing the Killing Game Busters is a good idea) for his Ch.4 scheme, and debatably DICE lies to protect himself and his Ultimate title (though for these I also think he just gets a kick out of trying to juggle such a big lie for so long).
“Small lies” An example of an "emotional" small lie is the times he bursts out crying; he's not necessarily making false claims, but his actions communicate feelings he doesn't have, and most of the time he'll follow up by reverting to a bored expression thus implicitly confessing to the lie. His claim that he can’t taste food is also a pretty good example of a verbal lie: it’s random, difficult to believe, and he immediately follows it up by saying he likes sweet and spicy things. (That last part was definitely intended to imply he was lying, but whether or not he was lying about lying depends on your hc… I personally choose to believe that he has a weak sense of taste and relies on “interesting” textures like carbonation, because I think it parallels my take on his reduced emotions in a fun way.) +++ For further examples, the majority of Kokichi's Salmon Team events are just him spouting random bullshit and then immediately taking it back.
"One line of evidence for reduced empathy/emotions": His thought process often reads to me like someone with low empathy; and his ability to rapidly switch between extreme emotional performances and total flatness suggests that, in his natural form, his internal reactions are either dull or don’t automatically reflect on his face. For example, when Kokichi "gets real" during trials, his expression often goes blank and he comes off as overly blunt/pragmatic (“Everything you said is total BS… You didn't give two shits about Tenko when she was alive." "How do you expect to find the culprit when you're all worried about each other's feelings?" "Why do you guys hate lies so much? […] And some of them are only white lies, or lies to be kind to people…") They're delivered flatly (voice/sprites, and phrasing to a lesser extent) and express frustration with people's hypocrisy around social norms. To me these are moments when he gets so fed up with the social dance taking everyone in circles that he has to step out for a second and drop the mask, even knowing that his true self will make people see him as inhuman. (I probably shouldn’t have to clarify, but for the record I say all this as someone with low empathy myself.) +++++ALSO: I want to credit @/g0nta-g0kuhara's meta for pointing out that Kokichi's expression goes flat in (different) honest moments - linked in credits above - although I ultimately interpret this in a slightly different way for his character.
"Some exceptions to the 'it's a lie' rule": His own thoughts and feelings, which are often kept ambiguous. Lies he doesn't need to retract because they're obviously false ("I hate liars!" or "I was born from the big tree behind Hope's Peak Academy..."). Small *non-compulsive* lies that serve a strategic purpose, like perjury to further the trials (though you could argue these too are "obviously false" and basically retract themselves after a moment of critical thinking; e.g. claiming he killed Angie (ch3), or debatably telling Himiko she mentioned the brick handrail (ch4) because he intentionally casts doubt over the lie by telling it very badly). And of course, he doesn't go back on his "big" lies or the lies that serve to support them.
“Compulsive lying isn’t the best way to impersonate the mastermind”: Although I think his lying is very connected to his boredom, and his boredom connects him to Junko Enoshima, I want to point out that he is unaware of Junko. To the viewers of Danganronpa 53, his behavior absolutely looks like the behavior of a mastermind… but there’s no reason for Kokichi himself to think that “someone pathologically bored who constantly switches personas” is the most believable caricature of the mastermind. I think that’s a coincidence that was engineered by Tsumugi, and from Kokichi’s perspective it’s just part of his personality.
"Tanking his credibility to mask his emotions": As some have pointed out, being constantly dishonest does make it easier for Kokichi to dismiss his own moments of vulnerability and keep his thoughts/feelings ambiguous (e.g. gracefully backing out of his love confession to Shuichi during the love suite by pretending he was joking. The idea that it's a prank is only believable to Shuichi because he already knows Kokichi likes to pull his leg in other ways). I don't disagree with this interpretation of Kokichi's lies, in fact it's a really fascinating angle and part of what makes interpreting him so challenging. However... I still don't think that's the ONLY reason he walks around telling people the sky is green. Its usefulness is pretty limited to cases like the love suite, where he's trying to 'test the waters' and back out if the first approach fails. A superficially similar example is when he cries for Gonta's execution and then whirls around with whole "I don't want to, stupidhead!" bit — he's not actually testing the waters here, because he never intended to go forward with the story 'I'm really sad about Gonta and I regret doing that;' even if you think the tears were real, the plan was always to retract it. What actually saves face for him here is the fact that he's able to stop crying and go on a straight-faced villain monologue afterwards — and all that was *required* to make that believable was his acting skills (admittedly helped by his "evil" reputation, but not necessarily by his "liar" reputation). In other words, I'm inclined to think it would have worked even if he had presented as 'honest but mean-spirited' up until this point. It's the same way Tsumugi can convince us in Ch.6 that she's evil and her grief for previous victims was an act, despite never having presented herself as a liar until now; Kokichi is lying about being a heartless villain, while Tsumugi (ostensibly) is not, but they have the same effect in the moment because their ability to switch rapidly between 'good' and 'evil' personas proves *in itself* that they're good actors, and that one of those personas must be false, regardless of how their honesty was perceived beforehand.
"Kokichi lacks emotional stake in other people": This is simply a headcanon I am positing because I think it has interesting implications for his relationship with lies. Please don't be mistaken when I say that Kokichi doesn't care about the people around him (all of the English words for "caring" are frustratingly ambiguous, in my opinion). I don't think Kokichi experiences "care" as an emotion very often, no, but that doesn't mean he can't take interest in people, have opinions on them, or "care about" them through his actions. Now, whether or not he actually does that.... is not the topic of this essay either!
"An intellectual challenge": To lie, you have to continually generate a false narrative (rather than just regurgitating the truth), you have to track which routes you've left open based on what you've already said, and you have to assess whether or not they believe you (...which are all similar to calculations you'd already be used to doing if you don't have empathy). If you want to win, you have to do all of this on the fly and do it really, really well. And once people know you're a liar, it not only gets harder to convince them of your lies, it also gets harder to convince them of the truth; once lies are introduced, the pressure to perform well pervades every part of the conversation. Of course, this is way more fun with bigger lies (like DICE lies, in my opinion), but the little ones still take a modest amount of effort (an amount he can afford to expend on a daily basis) and yield a much more immediate reward.
"Lying still hurts people": e.g. Kokichi accuses Kaede of strong arming everyone during the Death Road of Despair, then accuses everyone else of attacking her the following morning. This one is a complicated example because it was such an obvious lie that I really have trouble believing that he wanted anyone else to buy it (I really think the point was to annoy people and raise social tensions), but even though the lie was quickly pointed out, it still actually made everyone gang up on Kaede, to the point she leaves to cry in her room afterwards.
“Lying isn’t to make people do what he wants”: Again, I'm just talking about his everyday compulsive lying here. While he does use DICE related lies to make people do what he wants (e.g. make Shuichi hang out with him), I consider those part of his "big schemes" rather than his habitual behavior, since his claims about DICE are consistent, well thought-out, and long term. Not to mention, the veracity of those claims isn't too important to me, since he's already very transparent about the fact that he's trying to threaten people into doing his bidding in these cases.
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lvstharmony · 1 year ago
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​beyond grateful for the people that are surrounding me in my life, just as i am grateful for the people i’ve parted ways with, for without them, i would not be the person i am today.
#i have left so many people throughout my life#and#if someone would ask me if i’d regret any choice i’ve made i would say no#i regret hurting people yet i wouldn’t change a thing if i could#without the suffering the sacrifices and the lessons i would not be the person i am today that i can finally say i’m proud of#whenever i read the question “would you want to be your friend if you’d meet yourself?” deep down my answer was no#i was a good friend and i always tried my best to be there for everyone#but i was so blinded and overwhelmed by my pain that i tried so hard not to project on others that it was exactly the thing i’ve done#i was extremely caring sensitive loving and selfless but my ”bad“ traits were just as extreme#my emotions were so overwhelming that they were scattered all over the place that it didn’t allow me to have any control over them#i used to be so terrified of being alone. all i’ve felt was a great loneliness that was residing within me#until i’ve gathered the strength to leave an entire friendgroup with people that meant the world for me#they weren’t good for me anymore just as i wasn’t for them#since that day i’ve grown a lot i became a better and healthier version of myself#i learned how to be alone and to find the peace in it and in myself#all i’ve had was Allah swt. and He is all i will ever need.#without the hardships in terms of friendship i wouldn’t have been able to learn how to be alone and love and enjoy it#without it i could not say that i could easily give up the people in my life#i could if i had to bc i have Allah swt.#but i’ve learned how to choose and to choose the right people#i don’t need you and never will but i choose you bc i want you in my life and i think that makes it so much more special#i can finally say that i love the person i am today and can’t wait to see myself grow even more as the cycle of growing is never ending#I still have so much to learn and I will let it come to me with open arms#an open mind and an open heart#above all the most precious gift i’ve earned is to learn how to have tawakkul.#everything that happens every trial that is afflicted upon us has meaning#and it’s beautiful.#being able to pick out the khair in everything is the biggest blessing#alhamdulillah for the things that bruised my soul alhamdulillah for the things that mended it#alhamdulillah for everything bc truly; Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.
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xwiredearbuds2014x · 2 months ago
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theintelligentfool · 6 days ago
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im so sick of embarrassment and anxiety being kind of in control of ?my entire life? at this point
#when someone maturely points out a behavior of mine they are politely asking me to stop doing or is even just checking to make sure im ok#i burst into tears#and no one is more bothered about that than me IM SO SICK OF CRYING OVER NOTHING#IM SO SICK OF MAKING A MOUNTAIN OUT OF A MOLEHILL#IM SO SICK OF BEING COMPLETELY UNABLE TO REGULATE MY FEELINGS#Is it repression when i try to cheer myself up or is it wallowing in self pity when i just let myself cry#is it proof of decent willpower and self motivation skills that i can and will make myself do something i Don't Fucking Want To Do#or am i just not taking care of myself#secret: its the second thing but the REAL problem is that i need to be okay with it#it needs to not be a problem#i love doing mock trial but all the stress around it makes me want to quit but we're so close to regionals and i cant do that to the team#and i hate that i want to quit and i hate that the reason im not quitting is because im afraid of being embarrassed by doing so#and i hate myself andmy feelings and my irresponsibility and im still just half-assing my assignments#and i have a lot of casual friends but i know for a fact im not anyones best friend im not anyones favorite friend and#i want people to ask me to hang out but im worried that if i dont then it looks like im not interested but im worried that#if i do it too much i look desperate and like im imposing myself and like im . well this phrasing is painful for other reasons but#im scared of acting like im closer friends with someone than they think we are#and i dont know where the line is and i dont know what to do or what to say all i know how to do is make small talk and#exaggerate my facial expressions and tell a stupid fucking joke every 3 seconds#i like my life but im so fucking sick of the fact that *im* the one living it#i dont even want to be someone else i just want to be a version of myself thats not a fucking loser#who can actually put effort into assignments without wanting to throw my laptop out the window#who can be normal about other people#who doesn't have the dumbest fucking anxiety disorder ever#who consistently memorizes the stuff i need to know and can improvise on the fly#who's not an embarrassment to my team and also That One Guy They Keep Letting Hang Out With Us For Some Reason to my friendgroups#who can answer questions in class without looking like a suckup and also does it the right amount to make an impression but not enough to b#embarrassing#who can FUCKING talk to someone instead of making a vent post on *tumblr dot com*#for fucks sake i even wish i didnt use tumblr so much. maybe if i could get into a different social media that's normal i wouldn't be so
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uchiha-gaeshi · 17 days ago
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Fuck fuck fuck low self-esteem has ruined my life.
#uchiha-gaeshi overshares#i should've known the signs when i got evaluated for adhd and my self perception was like#hold up gotta pull it up#and also disclaimer that this was a separate assessment for overall emotional wellbeing (or something like that) and this was just part of#the many tests that i had to take#ok. we're reaching even newer levels of oversharing here since i'm literally sharing evaluation results. but anywho#i was in the 96th percentile for sense of inadequacy; 17th percentile in (good) self esteem; 3rd percentile in self-reliance#and 3rd percentile in ego strength (i.e. satisfaction with self and one's abilities)#i saw this and got shocked and then forgot about it (in my defense there was a lot of stuff in the evaluation)#looks like it's more therapy for me. yay.#like there have been more times than not where i have felt less than to people around me. and fearing that people will see how pathetic#i actually am. god no wonder my desire to socialize decreased as my self esteem decreased#i might be repeating the same point over and over#ok so imma bring up the si/oc fic that i just dropped. like i think i *tried* to make a like a more confident version of myself; but i gues#i'll have to put it on pause because my teens were defined by feeling shit about myself. like idk what to do with a character like that#who's supposed to be making moves. like nothing would happen besides survivor's guilt#anyways back to the subject. as my gpa got pathetically low (i can't even share it here or else i'll probably deactivate this blog) and i#started losing jobs. i lost patience with myself. it seemed like other people were able to chug along with the demands of life while i was#fumbling around with no end in sight (tbh i wasn't the only one my close friend from college also has adhd and was really struggling and#another one might have dropped out. my childhood friend who also has adhd is in the same. exact. situation as i am with being unable to#go out in public since we feel like we can't be our “best selves”). then the old question came back: if i can't handle#high school/a part-time job/college on a low courseload then what the fuck was i going to do? some days i'd keep going with new strategies#or new ways to be more productive. but other days i didn't want to keep going#who knew it's not healthy to always assume that people are better than you? even though i have been reframing the more obvious thoughts#it's an automatic and unconscious impulse that just runs in the background of my head. idk if this is just a human thing or...#but because of this at times i'd hold myself back from fear of failure#anyways that's all i've lost my train of thought and have to do errands i've been putting off#txt
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loderlied · 1 year ago
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posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh
#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself#but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep#and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either#i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in#fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst#i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago#but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it#this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed#i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me#i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time#this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake#gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t#like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it!#i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life#when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so#i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have#but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip#and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude#though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i#it’s been gnawing at me#ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in#one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes#watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep#so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom#idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting#they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao#so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most#i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry#also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn#it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes
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akchually · 1 year ago
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#so there's this girl#and there's this conversation I had where I told Prettyboy about a coworker whose version of polyamory is#'she says she needs me back in Washington but I don't have a job there. I keep telling her to get another boyfriend while I'm out of town#just make sure he's not around when I visit so I don't have to fight anybody'#That tickled me. And the conversation ended with me getting like a third of a hall pass. I gotta call if anything happens.#Call so Prettyboy feels like he's part of my romantic life even when the romance isn't him#Which is the opposite track of the one I was giggling about okay yeah#But like my best friend here is. Super pretty. Ridiculously pretty.#And kind and works hard and takes care of the people she loves. She's always finding ways to help me.#And she's vegan and loves my cooking and that's my love language okay#I wanna make sure she eats I wanna see what happens if she's given full reigns on dominance I want I yearn#And we talk for hours about nothing but it's been weeks since I've been like one third available and I dunno how to tell her#Or if I should or if I'd be just another person in her life who wants her for what she can do for them#I think my intentions are good but it's lonely. The long distance and the seasonal work and the isolated town up in the mountains.#And maybe I just want to be held.#I know she's grey ace and a lot of the romantic relationships she's had in the past were very manipulative and not what she really wanted#Maybe that's what's pulling me in so hard like am I just insecure and want to prove myself yet again#I've always been drawn to flaky people#I wanna be the one person they show up for#This is the thing that I actually need to process in therapy and can't just lsd the anxiety away#Though that worked for most things#Take hallucinagens. Once.#I'm such a hugger but only worked up the courage to hug her a few days ago.#We've been talking (lowercase t) for months.#And I know she has her own long distance unicorn relationship back in Kentucky. I'm hoping the subject will just surface again.#And then I can say hey#I think you're really pretty
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mrfoox · 2 years ago
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Uh. Like month... 4... Without an big breakdown and im 😳 what.... Wha
#miranda talking shit#I always say this but holy shit what the fuck i didnt think medication could have so much impact#I thought be being numb would be the best case. But here i am like 👍 life's not so bleak. I have loved ones. There's more for me to see#Like what the fuck.... Ive been sucidal since i was 11... I thought that would just be permanent for me... That it would kill me one day#But here i am just.... Like...living?#I mean im still not living life to the fullest mainly bc im still not used to just ... Be and not feel like garbage#I still have many problems and inner battles but they don't .... Send me into the abyss or worse#Anti medication people can probably argue if im ACTUALLY happy or just high of my meds or something but i...#I just feel like myself but ...kinda like when you put on glasses after being without them for a while#You see things clearer again and you had forgotten that your eyes were bad#I see the same things who would make me smile for 1 second. Now i see them and they make me smile for half a minute or more#I feel i think a lot more and notice smaller things. Smaller delights. A little cute bug flying by. An pretty flower outside. Someone#Laughing with their friend. A child playing outside. They all make me happy now and i just ... Yeah.#I am not the most positive person alive or am super happy all the time... But having actual ... Normal days#Actually be just... Just fine. Not 'i have managed to not cry and kept my mental health in check somewhat etc' but actually just#Things are fine. On an scale more in tune with others version if fine. Im used to my okay days just being like... Oh i was awake today#I ate a meal today. I didn't cry. But i still had my usual bad mental space but it was fine bc it was a bit more manageable#That was a fine day. Now I'm like... Id describe my days now as great days. I usually have one or two of these days#Per year ... Now i have them like daily... Theyre just fine. It blows my mind...#Ive always been positive to medication despite not finding one that helped me as much as i... Wanted. But now it's like#Holy shit yeah. Wish i found this medicine at age 15 when i started and not 10 years later but man im glad i finally found it#So glad i decided not to just settle with the one i had. When i brought up i wanted to try new medication again#Doctors were like what... But why? And it's like.... Yeah that one i had was.... The best i had found at the time and i had kept it for 3#Years. But it did only help me to stabilize some. I still felt like garbage... And explaining that to a doctor is like... Idk how to do that#Like id say my old medication helped 25% i know it helped mostly with my general anxiety. But it wasn't like to a point i felt#It was a GOOD medication for me. Just ... It was the best i had tried so... It was fine...
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revengeraven · 6 months ago
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You will all be inflicted with superior story before the “canon” one if I have anything to say about it, by the way.
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snekdood · 8 months ago
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bitches prolly out here psychoanalyzing my old art on behalf of my abuser to cushion their belief that im a Horrible Person but then dont see the irony when I point out the shitty things my abuser has drawn and how I see it as clear evidence of their mindset and beliefs (of what's okay to do and how to treat people) descending and pairing that along with everything else they've done and it paints a clear picture of how this person got to the point of thinking it was okay to abuse me the way they did and then the people looking for reasons to hate me through my art will act like "they're just drawings !!!" about their art. which one is it. does someones art say something about them or not? or does it only say something about them if you hate them?
#personally I think me making fun of a douchey type of dude is less bad than drawing 'rape is fun' but yknow#ig I can just weigh the gravity of how bad each thing is accurately idk#vent#'yeah but you started to identify with the douche bag character !!' well- even before i realized I wanted to be him- the plot was#already that he was going to grow out of being a dick. him and mj were going to help eachother realize their flaws and become better#to eachother and everyone else. so by the time i DID realize I wanted to be a guy I already had in mind the mature version of him#floating around but I didn't really post about it bc I didn't want to spoil anything at the time#and it took me a LONG TIME to accept that I wanted to be snake. I was trans before that. and then when I was close to accepting it#I had that whole 'lsd' thing that made me slink back into my shell bc the people I was around made me feel like I would never be a guy#so instead I figured if I couldn't be snake then the next best thing was to be *with* him and started to self ship myself w him and he#evolved even more into an even more mature version of him that by the time I got out on the other side of feeling like I couldn't#be a guy I had this more serious and mature version of him in my mind and started to accept that I wanted to be him and basically was him#and just didn't know bc that version of snake was more like me than the one I made in 2013/14#in 2013/14 I was only ever considering my comic in the context of some sort of comedy and just wanted to make a douchey character#to make fun of bc I had a lot of douchey people in my life who I felt like needed to be knocked down a peg and I figured the best way#to do that was to make an example out of them via the old version of snake and have him be an overly confident asshole whos hubris#often gets himself humbled even if hes too prideful to accept or admit it#at this point in time I didn't really see much of myself in any of my ocs. maybe a lil bit in mj and (mostly)peaches bc I didn't know it wa#ok to id with a guy... but even when I did subconsciously id with him here n there...i didnt relate to snakes douchey-ness like at all.#sometimes I jokingly act like a douche but again its for the same reason that I made snake a douche back then in the first place-#to make fun of people like that- to hopefully show them how foolish they are by me mirroring them or. alternatively. making people#laugh at me acting that way because pretending to act like a douche is easier to enjoy and laugh at than dealing w an actual douche#i'd do it with my ex-bestfriend all the time- I made snake such a dick because we'd laugh about it together and bc we wanted to make#fun of the dicks around us who lacked any self awareness and if not that any actual fuck about how lame and shitty they come off#what can I say. it's fun to mock people sometimes.#when I actually started to accept it my first pic I drew of him being obviously trans was in 2016... soo a couple months before I remet#my abuser...#which honestly explains why that whole relationship was so rough on me. I had just finally accepted myself and then this person comes#along and tries to smear me and gaslight me into thinking im Horrible for who I am. like. hello???????#my first time fully being myself was with them and their friend group and they all accepted me until their cult leader told them not to
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heart-bones · 1 year ago
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I know I just need to go to bed but.
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malusokay · 2 years ago
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Thewizardliz sayings to remember and repeat
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It's about you; you are the main character of your life.
Sometimes you need to get uncomfortable to get comfortable.
People who get angry at you for putting yourself first are the same people who benefit from you putting yourself last
You are allowed to say, "Nah, that's not good enough."
Stop wasting energy that you can use to become your best version.
Becoming selfish is the best thing I ever did.
I can make myself fulfilled, and whatever he gives me is just an extra.
Start now with what you have.
Enough crying, enough being sad, enough saying "tomorrow".
Sometimes you lose people that are not meant to be with the highest version of yourself, and you have to let those people go.
You vs. you, honey.
Some people just don't deserve you. Not mentally, physically or spiritually.
I don't argue with people because most of them are stupid.
People don't really care what happened to you or what you went through. They really care about what you can do for them.
Only here to impress myself.
When a Queen does not like her situation, she plans her exit.
Manifesting is a lifestyle.
The best revenge is creating a better life for yourself.
I started prioritising my own needs and wants; whatever I want goes first. That's it; I do not care anymore.
I could honestly go on forever since Liz has so many great things to say, so let me know in the comments if I should make a part 2! <3
✩‧₊*:・love ya ・:*₊‧✩
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