#hold up gotta pull it up
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Fuck fuck fuck low self-esteem has ruined my life.
#uchiha-gaeshi overshares#i should've known the signs when i got evaluated for adhd and my self perception was like#hold up gotta pull it up#and also disclaimer that this was a separate assessment for overall emotional wellbeing (or something like that) and this was just part of#the many tests that i had to take#ok. we're reaching even newer levels of oversharing here since i'm literally sharing evaluation results. but anywho#i was in the 96th percentile for sense of inadequacy; 17th percentile in (good) self esteem; 3rd percentile in self-reliance#and 3rd percentile in ego strength (i.e. satisfaction with self and one's abilities)#i saw this and got shocked and then forgot about it (in my defense there was a lot of stuff in the evaluation)#looks like it's more therapy for me. yay.#like there have been more times than not where i have felt less than to people around me. and fearing that people will see how pathetic#i actually am. god no wonder my desire to socialize decreased as my self esteem decreased#i might be repeating the same point over and over#ok so imma bring up the si/oc fic that i just dropped. like i think i *tried* to make a like a more confident version of myself; but i gues#i'll have to put it on pause because my teens were defined by feeling shit about myself. like idk what to do with a character like that#who's supposed to be making moves. like nothing would happen besides survivor's guilt#anyways back to the subject. as my gpa got pathetically low (i can't even share it here or else i'll probably deactivate this blog) and i#started losing jobs. i lost patience with myself. it seemed like other people were able to chug along with the demands of life while i was#fumbling around with no end in sight (tbh i wasn't the only one my close friend from college also has adhd and was really struggling and#another one might have dropped out. my childhood friend who also has adhd is in the same. exact. situation as i am with being unable to#go out in public since we feel like we can't be our “best selves”). then the old question came back: if i can't handle#high school/a part-time job/college on a low courseload then what the fuck was i going to do? some days i'd keep going with new strategies#or new ways to be more productive. but other days i didn't want to keep going#who knew it's not healthy to always assume that people are better than you? even though i have been reframing the more obvious thoughts#it's an automatic and unconscious impulse that just runs in the background of my head. idk if this is just a human thing or...#but because of this at times i'd hold myself back from fear of failure#anyways that's all i've lost my train of thought and have to do errands i've been putting off#txt
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“You doubtless recollect these papers. Here they are. Everything is related in them which bears reference to my accursed origin… the minutest description of my odious and loathesome person is given, in language which painted your own horrors and rendered mine indelible. I sickened as I read.”
#frankenstein#gothic#halloween#artists on tumblr#classic lit#Mary Shelley#my art#monster#I just kind of pulled this comic out of nowhere lol#I’d like to do the part in the national theatre play#where Victor asks the creature how he found him#and the creature holds his journal up and throws it at him#as a small continuation of this#then I could also finally compare their sizes because the creatures giant stature just doesn’t come across when he’s alone 😭#drawing all his stitches is really satisfying#bro is EIGHT FEET TALL do u realise how absurd that is#and Victor tried to throw hands w him when they first met#u gotta respect him for that#anyway#happy Halloween#it’s always October in my heart but I am enjoying watching the leaves and weather turn#hopefully I can do some fun things
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his face when he says "but weve earned that right so i think we'll take it" and his face reseting after the question because silly time is over we have to lock tf in!!
florida panthers @ la kings (quebec city) | 10.5.24 (x)
he has a delightful face to me
#matthew tkachuk#florida panthers#2425#preseason#crying at the noises coming out of his mouth#“i mean immanbb you knoww bbuuu they?”#maffhew.exe has stopped working#sorry guys his media program malfunctioned gotta reboot him give him a sec#clutching onto that modesty towel like a lifeline#alternatively he has to hold something lest his hands find their way to his shirt collar to pull it up to his mouth and nose#not an abo au and yet here we are#im sorry i like his face#conniving rat of man with the greasiest expressions#but also he is my little princess
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The DAMN Squad would have to fucking wrestle and take down Freelancer just to force them to Eat a proper meal.
It’s the stupidest shit but Freelancer would be like “I’m in the zone come back later” even though they’ve been working nonstop for hours and they WILL fight back if forced out of their room so it’s just a full 5 v 1, and while you think this would leave freelancer at a disadvantage- it is, in truth, not even fucking enough people to keep them down
#freelancer who’s got that audhd focus and if pulled away from their work will start tweaking /hj but also /srs#they Gotta eat though and even if that means pizza food is food so CMERE#Huxley would squeeze the life out of them until they chilled and Gavin would feed them pizza while Damien lectures them on taking#care of themselves#Lasko is just nodding and holding up a cup of soda for them while Dear is laughing and poking fun at Freelancer knowing DAMN WELL#they do the exact same shit and Lasko has to hunt them down in their own house#feral listeners my beloved#redacted gavin#redacted damien#redacted lasko#redacted huxley#redactedasmr#redacted asmr lasko#redacted damn crew#redacted damn squad#damn redacted#redacted asmr#redacted fandom#redacted headcanons#redacted hcs#gavin redacted#redacted daemons#damien redacted#redacted dear#redacted demons
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i'm always a normal girl in my bedroom until i think back to lucy's face when tim was cradling her to his chest after saving her life.
#*and this is icarly!#the rookie#day of death#2x11#melissa o’neil#tim bradford#lucy chen#chenford#otp: you know me so well#i tried to touch up this pic as best i could so you can see her face better i hope it looks okay#ya know sometimes i'll pull up the video on youtube and i won't even watch it i'll just close my eyes and listen#truly psychotic behavior i know#anyway i just had to rattle this outta my head at 3am#this puts me in psychosis... just look how petrified my precious baby girl is still 🥺😭🤧#i can't imagine how she felt in that moment coming back from something as traumatic as dying from being burried alive#also her hand movements??? her fingers frantically twitching in disbelief....#twitching violently looking for a place to hold onto tim but not knowing where to put her hands#.... due to the shock that she was alive when she thought for sure she was dead#okay i gotta shut up and go to bed goodnight#bless you mutuals who followed me for anything other than chenford i must be so annoying to you
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crasso has +100% immunity to any and all rumors, but he draws the line at anything that might cause people to think that ciceron is the father of either of his kids. anyone else would be fine, but he draws the line at ciceron on account of Disliking Ciceron So So SO Much
so!! I finished the first draft of bad governance! which means now I get to edit everyone's dialogue and sometimes during the course of editing, you come across a scene that accidentally sounds like a B plot to a teleserye (you know how they can get). like, I know i have to cut it from the final draft, but it can live on as a comic for my own amusement
the historical dynamic this is based on is extremely funny to me btw
Plutarch, Crassus
Publius Crassus - ‘optimus adulescens’ and his unfortunate career, Ireneusz Łuć
unintentionally this gets into some historical parentage drama, cicero made about publius' (peter, in this story) father being someone other than crassus
Plutarch, Cicero
(the running bit for bad governance is that no one is entirely sure what's going on with crasso's household. crasso calls marcus and peter his sons, but marcus rotates between calling crasso 'dad,' 'kuya,' 'tiyo,' and 'nanay.' no one in that house clarifies anything to anyone else.)
#bad governance the series#republikang romano remixed#ANYWAY that's where ive been for the last week#i had to do. research. on the government for a minute. and also pull up martial law records. this story gets. uh. grim in places#so we gotta. hold on to the levity while we can. (<< said by me. gripping the sink while staring into a mirror)#(bro i was doing research on a famine my mom lived through and i want the marcos admin 2.0 to walk into the ocean immediately)#you might also wonder what crasso's gender is if you follow along with my posting elsewhere. great question!#komiks tag
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suggestion do you have... any wants? like obviously you do but like? suggestion my guy my ourple boy. both the easiest and hardest to write. you need a skill to say something to move conversation along but it doesn't fit any skill in particular? about 80% of the time you can have suggestion say it and it will make sense. but like actually characterizing him... how do i define you dude... what makes your character tick... urgh. i dont get you yet. im trying to understand but you are difficult.
#chemi chats#there are some skills that i just dont understand yet and that just means i have to work on their character study chapter#im reading his bio and i think suggestion is a good manipulator and it's instinctive and he tries not to feel bad about it?#he's clever!! charming!! friends with savvy and drama. planting seeds in the mind and coaxing them to grow towards him like he's the sun.#a crude oil reservoir lying beneath a carefully laid flower bed. taps into the roots. the plants don't know any better than to drink.#he's great at sensing what makes people tick and uses that to his advantage. he needs goals to look forward to so he knows how to best#pull the strings to get them there. otherwise he's a bit aimless. he likes being useful. and since influencing others is helpful#he just keeps doing it? because it's what he's good at. and he tries to convince himself its fun and cool and just cuz hes charming and#it's his role as a skill and manipulation isnt thaaaat bad because it's helpful to them after all... but he does feel bad sometimes.#oh im listening to his voice lines and i just got to ''brother you should have put me in front of a firing squad'' and im sad about him now#but what do you want for short term little guy?? probably for people to like him. he likes chatting with people. i bet he'd like genuine#conversations with no strings attached but there's always some part of him filing information and tidbits away that he can't turn off#subconsciously figuring out things he can hold over them or how he can nudge them into thinking someth-/wait.../ no. no he's just talking.#he's /supposed/ to just be talking stop analyzing them stop falling back into that just have a normal conversation!! but he can't help it..#hm. this is all really helpful for his chapter. he and empathy are very alike but also different. very interesting...#task: swept up#okay good talk everyone i think i understand him a little better now lmao?? still gotta figure him out some more hes not fully there but ye#also i think he goes by whatever pronoun you think he'd use. just ''oh what do /you/ think i am hm?? what /would/ i use; do you think?? :)'#funny fella. i love you.
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Guys I missed the countdown by 7 minutes can we redo it?
#would anyone believe me if i said i was distracted by wrestling cable around a piece of wood#i got the best shower thought to pull my amp so it faces into my room instead of into the corner#just rotating it#and the fuckening cable was stuck under a wooden art project (like a canvas) and i had a sbahj moment trying to figure out...#...which side of the canvas the majority of the cable was on#i know where the cable is connected to the wall but i didnt know how far along i pushed it along the wall#ughhhhshdjdossb#rip my back but im determined to go into the new year playing guitar#so can we redo it now 14 minutes later? bc i cant explain the configuration of my room#ShitPost.exe#OBLIGATORY: 'DISCLAIMER: i'M HI (HIGH)' TAG#wait i need more minutes i think i gotta tune to C please hold idk what tune this band does#firmly grasp the moment. go back to 2359 and hold the moment for me ill hit unpuase when im good and ready#edit: unpause i was being dramatic its only drop D but i found the keyboard riff so ill learn that on guitar instead#WE'LL START FROM FIVE... 4... 3.. 2.. fuckyou#dundundununundundjndunnizndnndndjsn#listen up yall#edit 2: i wasn't being dramatic lmao the song i was planning on in the shower was actually C#but i changed my mind when i sat down bc i couldnt remember which song (ive had the playlist on repeat most of today#so fuck my life back to tuning ig#its okay tho i fiddled around on the midnight in my heart#wow can i say anything without innuendo#edit 3: oh thank god its drop c not c lmao still maybe i should prank future cori by leaving my guitar in drop c for the next time i play#gonna pull it out like 'holy shit whats wrong with this thang' (i would not lol i tune it every time)#but ill remember this moment and shake my fist at past cori bc theres nothing future cori can do to stop present cori#can u tell im procrastinating lol. my amp made a funny sound when i turned it on and its not nearly old enough to need warming up yet#fuck i mean i need time to warm up too but like . fuck lol.
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I snoopes around your old tags aand I am a little in love with Harwen
Aaaah, thank you, I'm so happy you like him! ❤️❤️
I've been thinking about him a lot this Veilguard eve too, kinda revisiting him (and some of my other, "non-canon" guys, especially vis a vis the Themes™ and how they continue through the new guys), and for what it's worth... I think that for a character I made when I was only like 22, he still works pretty well!
I would probably do a few things differently now, more consciously, but, I mean... I still think that the "reclusive, introverted, gray-ace-but-specifically-demisexual Dalish assassin-strategist Experiencing Cultural Divide And Alienation" is still a fun concept that I really like!
.... I have also been toying around a bit with mods for the BG3 cc, to try and make (among others) him an updated face for the Veilguard timeskip too, and um.
the "Vallaslin" and the nose on this one are not quite right (the Vallaslin is supposed to be Andruil's, and his nose is supposed to be a bit hooked, kind of aquiline), but in his mid- to late forties? There's no way Harwen isn't gonna be dilfy. A positively dilfy elf.
(This is, I believe, is Shadowheart's dad's face, and he's an assassin-spec archer rogue in Dragon Age canon, but I think he'd be more of a hunter-, or gloom stalker-subclass Ranger in real DnD.)
#squirrel plays dragon age#oc: harwen lavellan#is another one of those guys who make me kind of side-eye my younger self#for never having as much as entertained the thought that yeah; she might very well be autistic#like let's be real. let's be SO real. yeah Ray probably only has his regular plot-PTSD piled on top of his cPTSD#but this guy? this guy is *textbook*. i re-read some backstory shit i had written about him back in the day; and well uh#ngl i could have straight up pulled half his thoughts and feelings from the DSM5#and i was just writing it like “hahehahuhehaho this is gotta be so relatable to everyone else too hehehihihohohu”#“i'm sure everyone experiences the world as if there was this invisible yet impenetrable wall between themselves and the rest of society”#“and like; numbly searching for belonging and never feeling quite right no matter where you are; but feeling Worse Occasionally?”#“totally the universal experience of being human”#and here i am 30 years old and holding my head in my hands like no. no babygirl. most people actually don't usually feel like that#but thank you for confirming it for me yet fucking again#(also. how wild it is for him to be both demi and autistic huh. no wonder baby boy has never been in a proper relationship before Josie.)#(yeah for sure; have the guy who struggles with establishing relationships only experience attraction through a deep emotional bond)#(that's not gonna make him lonely for sure)
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ok but they could never fake zura’s death because if they held a funeral and someone was saying a speech and called him zura, he would stop fake sleeping in the casket, sit up dramatically and yell “ZURA JANAI, KATSURA DA!”
#gintoki faking his death to avoid getting arrested but he faked his tears a little too well and hijikata thought he was actually dead#so gintoki has to arranged a pretend funeral#he thought they were playing around but everyone took it serious#gintoki was going to make it quick but sakamoto and takasugi pulled up last minute#cause they both thought it was real so they were sad and sakamoto was making a speech#about how zura loved soba and housewives#then it's just gintoki and takasugi in the front row#LMAO ZURA POPS OUT THE CASKET WHEN SAKAMOTO CALLS HIM ZURA AND IT'S JUST SILENCE BEFORE TAKASUGI TRIES TO STAB HIM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT IT WAS#A ZOMBIE#WHILE TATSUMA JUST SHOOTS HIM THEN THEY GOTTA RUSH HIM TO THE HOSPITAL WHILE RUNNING AWAY FROM THE SHINSENGUMI#LMAO THE JOUI 4 JUST RELIVING THE GOOD HOLD DAYS#Katsura Kotarou
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That fact that I’m just now settling in my bed…. It’s 2:22 am man.
#I would’ve gotten home at like 12 but the guy who was supposed to relieve me was late and man…#if he’s late again I’m gonna tell my boss since I already have to take the train at night and have a long ass way to go fuck dude#he was strolling in all nonchalant and shit#man#like get you ass over here so that I can leave#and the train took like 15 min to pull off because of a group of kids being ignorant and trying to argue with the police on the train#and platform and holding the door open#like it’s too late for this shit man#I got home at 1 something it shouldn’t have taken me this long to get home#I gotta try to get to sleep so that I can get up on time and feel rested enough#rambling
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woke up to people genuinely fighting that toji is a better dad than gojo to megumi because of the leaks hello everyone
#jjk#jjk leaks#jjk spoilers#that page reads as a joke of “gojo forgot in the heat of the moment”#because their aint no way gojo listens to yuji's plans to save megumi for a month#and just pulls up like “fuck that im sorry im just losing a kid today”#would be insane if he just thinks “nah sorry he gotta die i dont think my students can beat him”#im going to hold off judgement until this finishes#bc i need to know if that one person that said#geto is the best character bc he died before gege started writing the characters weird is right#not fighting this worse dad thing than toji thing because there's too much going on and a lot of it is mixed with lame ass mangaka jokes#kashimo is a real hater that's all i learned and i respect him for just being their and hating#also it kinda minimalizes toji's character to boil him down because he has a Lot going on -#to just make it black and white for some random debate
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Feel like I am absorbing as much as my father after his death as possible. I will carry on his Legacy. I will be the Biker (in time). I am already the weapon collector (though with knives, not guns). I even have accepted owning a minions mug, something I swore would never happen (I hate those fucking things), just bc it makes me think of him.
Maybe he's gone now, but I'm gonna make damn sure to live a continuation of his life... just in my own way, lol
#speculation nation#like how im taking so much of his clothes. im absorbing some of his masculinity too#i own so many harley things now. like tshirts and such. my dad had so many.#and. well. i did end up deciding to take his little revolver. though that's with more of a grave observance than anything else.#guns are. scary. and i think it's ludicrous that i dont even need a permit to own a gun here#but it's my dad's. and at least a revolver is less scary than like. a pistol.#less easy to accidentally go off. u gotta pull back the hammer every shot and everything.#guns are scary and i dont like them. but it was my dad's. a pretty big part of his life.#i was raised being taught basic gun safety rules. brought to a shooting range at 9 years old#i couldnt even hold up the rifle i was so small.#never went since then bc i didnt care for it. but it's still... something so intrinsic to him in my mind.#so in this Too. i will be continuing his legacy. at least a little bit.#we r gonna be selling most of his guns. but not that one.#it's so tiny. it fits so well in my little hands. i kind of love it almost as much as i fear it.#oh well. i'll be careful. i was taught to never forget the danger a gun can be.#a part of me also is like 'omg a revolver. like what vash uses!' which ok maybe that's part of why i went to the revolver too#though the primary reasons are. it's a Tiny piece. and also itd be Really difficult to accidentally shoot it.#bc u gotta full on cock it back And pull the trigger. that aint gonna happen by accident.#but yeah not to be Stereotypical American but yea guns sure do exist here#and it's in my family too. i want the gun to remember him by. even if i dont ever end up using it.#(tho ive contemplated taking it to a range at least once just to get a feel for actually shooting it#Just In Case i ever end up needing to use it for like. home invasion self defense or smth#which is. another Smaller reason for me to have it. things to think about.)
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not really the type who likes posting their ocs much but here's a Nim :}
#no tags because idk how to tag oc posts- also this account DO just be for saving my art in case my pc ever breaks.#but he's one of my favourite characters i have rn#and the junk hunters in general honestly their dynamic is my favourite.#two old gay men. One (Viktor) who lingers a little on the past but is happy and content as to where he is in the present#the other (Atlas) still mourning his dead mother and having left his abusive home.#A trans girl (Inky) who grew up in a perfectly normal household but became agoraphobic; before being ripped from her home and forced into#outside world#and Nim. someone who grew up in a trash zone with nothing to eat but garbage and is living her best life in the present.#they're literally blorbos from my brain ESPECIALLY the world they're apart of too because GOD i love it so much#What Nim's holding is called a Liabell; most if not all mosnter hunters have them for mobility.#the liabells dont work without a lullader (small-neon glowing stone looking spiders basically) inside. as it uses their incredibly tough we#to pull#but Nim's a cloven (deerways) so she's already got pretty good agility and uses their's for moreso rangling monsters.#i have SUCH a cool scene that I wanna draw (but doesn't fit my style- so i gotta commission it for sure)#where they're standing atop of an elk-like monster#and he's like- spun webs of the liabell around it's horns and its incredibly firey and its night and#GAHH#Nim's liabell isn't even like- purple- his lullader is- the liabell is clear glass with weathering copper when the lullader isnt in it.#I'm so normal about this world and all the races I've made for it. Because simply being a different race means they might use their#tools differently or not need specific ones#for example: I've got one character in my mind that's a possae (something inhabiting another thing basically) and they're a skeleton#with this massive glowing pulsating mass in it's ribcage and its all cowboy motif. (I'm thinking angel posessing it and handing out#their own retrobution in the West Zone)#and basically they use a Liabell similar to Nim but it's a lasso and they have several of them to help tie up more people.
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tumblr might not respect the alligator print but i do
#snap chats#sorry remembered masumi's 2019 render with his vogue ass#they did not need to have him stanced up like he's wakling the runway ACTUALLY ???? never over how good he looks SORRY#the main text isnt clickbait i swear im segwaying#anyway everyone say thank you to masumi arakawa for dripping out his family#i know masato got his drip from his peepaw.... whichever one...... its gotta be one of them..#ichi sticks out like a sore thumb with his outfit We Know but thats ok because the punch perm genuinely looked cute on him#AND FOR THE MAIN EVENT ill never forgive this site for making jo lose the first bracket against oda#THE ALLIGATOR PRINT AND DESIGNER TIE WITH THE LEATHER DRESS SHIRT shut up its drip#COMPUTER ENHANCE ON THE ALLIGATOR SHOES#and the fuckin snakeskin vest... shut up.... i need a minute......#i know that suit gotta feel like a fuckin couch tho and brother. i cant i cant finisht eh fukcing line im crying#he woulda swept if he kept the gloves on#no listen i was gonna make this post bout that originally but i needed my grievances known#i still love how when ichi goes to fight jo my man just got 'hold on...' and just materializes gloves on him#like Captain Sir Wait A Minute. I Need To Hallucinate Really Quick#ichi was right for that tho I Repeat the gloves pull it together#ok lemme finish this comm so i can go back to drawing old people i have a vision#i have a vision to make up for my earlier vision... im still unhappy with aspects of it...#OK BYYYE
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god i hope work is easy today i feel like garbage
#like physically i feel like im trying to shut down#i need somebody to encourage me to sleep early cause my insomnia is definitely not helping this#i have to train in something new today so i can pick up more hours i really hope i catch on quick#because whyyy can i not seem to stop holding extreme amounts of tension in my body today#it's not the person I've been stressing about I've managed to stay mostly chill today bc i realized worrying isn't going to go anywhere#but omg owwwww my body feels like I've been put in a compactor or something#i gotta figure out what's happening when i sleep to cause this#cause I don't think it's my new job if anything it actually kinda relieves stress bc it's literally sorting and placing that's it.#and it's really not that strenuous since i got put on night shift bc we don't do the heavy freight just pulls#i really need to get into yoga or something
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