#big dicks are not comfortable!!!!

[sebdoesthings]

Every time I read a fic where a character has a notably large penis I die a little inside, and one day my eyeballs will detatch from my skull because I keep rolling them so hard

[fanaticalthings]

Most children, once they've grown up and moved out, sometimes come back to visit their parents to use their house as a sort of personal grocery store

And with Bruce being a literal billionaire whose house is always stocked with food and supplies, the batkids (that aren't living in the manor) definitely visit just for the purpose of taking shit for themselves.

---

For Dick, it's just small things, food and maybe some utensils. Bruce is barely in the kitchen so he never notices dishes go missing, and there are like 10 other children in his house so literally any one of the younger kids could've stolen food in the middle of the night, so he doesn't bat an eye at all.

Babs probably steals Bruce's hardware or his tools from the batcave. Sometimes, if she's nice, she'll leave a note.

Steph probably takes shit that no one will notice at the time but will absolutely be annoyed about when they need said thing. Stapler, soap bars, the microwave plate, etc...(Taking after Jason, she steals the hub caps off the batmobile's tires)

However, for Jason, once his relationship with Bruce is somewhat decent, of course he's gonna be petty and start stealing the more expensive shit in the manor for his apartment. Jason's microwave is broken? The next day, the cave's self-made and enhanced microwave made by Bruce for convenience is just gone.

Jason's feeling a coffee maker for his place? The one in Bruce's study disappears, too.

---

At first, Bruce thinks he's just sleep deprived, but then much bigger things start to go missing, like the whole TV and couch set in the living room. He assumes the younger kids are just playing pranks on him (sounds like something Stephanie would do) but then Bruce notices that the thief deliberately avoids stealing things from the kitchen, which is where Alfred is most of the time, and suddenly Bruce has an irritated clue on who the culprit is.

At first, he doesn't say anything, until one day he comes back, tired from a patrol, and is about to log in all the info on the computer only to realize his batchair is gone. That's when he texts Jason a blunt "If you really need things for your place, you can just ask me. I'll buy them for you." (As if Jason himself isn't loaded from his totally legal activities)

---

So now Jason's pettiness levels increase tenfold, and oh, wouldn't you look at it, his bike needs some new tires, and he knows a great place to get some more.

One night, Bruce is just blearily getting up for a late night snack, only to see Damian scamper away with a...lamp? So Bruce immediately follows him into the foyer only to see ALL of his kids (sans the ones not living in the manor), trying to haul two arm chairs out the window, and they just stop dead silent to stare at him until someone whispers a nervous "Crap"

Bruce doesn't even have any energy to fight, he just pinches his nose and is all "What is the meaning of this" in his tired dad voice. And Duke meekly responds with "we wanted more chairs at Jason's place"

And suddenly it all makes sense. Not once did Bruce wonder how the HELL Jason managed to lug a whole 60in TV and a full couch set on his own in one night. Of course, he had accomplices. Bruce just turns right around and goes right the hell back to his room to sleep. He'll deal with this in the morning.

[fckbatmanhiskidsareminenow]

What’s for Breakfast?

(yes it’s the parsnip fic)

(tw mentioned nightmares and mildly dissociation)

disclaimer: this will probably be ooc, i’m still extremely new to the fandom so be nice please

description: jason decides to cook and is interrupted by the rest of the bat siblings.

word count: 1556

All he came here to do was drop off some intel for Bruce but now? Now Jason is standing in the middle of the Wayne manor kitchen, with his hands on his hips, wondering what he should cook. He’s hungry, alright, sue him.

It’s Sunday and Sunday is the day Alfred restocks the kitchen so the chances of Jason actually finding something other than premade pancake mix was not great.

The first ingredient item he finds is a few parsnips. He passes one between his hands trying to think of what he can make with them. After a few seconds he comes up with something, tossing the parsnips onto the counter and he collects some onions, a leek, flour, eggs and vegetable oil. He gets the grater out and it’s decided. He’s gonna make parsnip and onion fritters.

Jason starts with slicing the onion. Just get that shit over and done with. The familiar burn of the onion begins in his eyes and he is immediately reminded of the last time he cooked in here. He was 15, it was a few weeks before his death. He and Alfred were making home made burgers, requested by Jason himself, and they made caramelised onions to go with it.

He’s pulled out of the memory by the wet feeling of tears dripping down onto his hand. He glares down at the vegetable as if it had personally wronged him. And you know what? It did. He’s crying all because of a fucking onion.

He continues slicing only slightly more aggressively when he hears a soft patter of feet.

“Todd?” At the sound of his name he looks up and is met with a sleepy Damian staring back. The kid’s got on a set of cat pyjamas, that Jason can admit is kinda cute, and is wiping away what looks to be tears. Must have had a nightmare or something.

“Cooking.” Jason replied gruffly. Damian approaches the island he’s cooking on and stands on his toes to try and see what Jason is cooking. Once again he can admit the kid looked kinda cute with only just his head and little hands poking over the bench.

“Cooking what?” He asks softly and with genuine childlike curiosity, which is rare for Damian. Jason breathes out a sigh and walks over to the small table on the far side of the kitchen and pulls a chair up against the bench.

“Parsnip and onion fritters. Wash your hands and come grate the parsnips for me.” He usually would tell him to fuck off but the kid looks like he could use a distraction and he does love a mission.

Damian washes his hands, climbs up the chair and starts grating.

They slice and grate mostly in quiet, only breaking the silence to quietly giggle at each other's onion induced tears.

“Cooking?” The sound of a voice startles them both so badly Damian almost throws a parsnip and Jason damn near cuts his finger off. When they look up at the source, Cass is standing there with an eyebrow raised.

“Christ, Cassandra, you could have killed us.” Damian says as he lowers the parsnip. Jason huffs out a laugh.

“Again.” He mutters and doesn’t miss the nasty look Damian throws him. Cass only smirks and shrugs. She looks dishevelled but Jason chooses to ignore it. She wanders over to the island, inspects what they’re doing before sitting on one of the stools and pulling her phone out of her pocket. Jason and Damian share a look before continuing what they were doing.

They finally get through all the slicing and grating when Steph and Tim stumble in looking like they had not slept all week. Jason stops what he’s doing just to look at them judgingly.

“Where the fuck have you two been?” he asks like he doesn’t want to know. Steph groans and collapses into the stool next to Cass.

“We were out all night for a stake out that turned up nothing.” Jason makes a confused face at that and looks to Tim who is all but dragging himself to the coffee machine.

“I don’t even want to talk about it.” He says holding a hand up to block out Jason’s judgmental look. Stake outs like that happen, not often but they happen. But for Tim? It’s even less often, he gathers all the intel he can before going out. Make sense for his mood to be shit.

Jason can practically sense Damian is about to say something so he scoops him up by the armpits and places him onto the ground.

“Your jobs done now.” He tells him before the kid can protest. He only receives a slightly grumpy nod before Damian drags the chair back to its regular spot and sits down. Tim looks away from the coffee machine.

“Are you making breakfast?” He asks half judgy half genuine. Jason almost responds with some snarky sarcasm but just looking at Tim tells him the poor guy's exhausted brain would probably melt if he did.

“Yeah I am. Parsnip and onion fritters.”

Steph lifts her head from where it was laying against the kitchen island.

“What the fuck is a parsnip?” Jason chuckles and holds up one of the unused parsnips.

“It's like a white carrot thing. They taste good, trust me.” Steph eyes it suspiciously before shrugging and laying her head back down.

Duke runs in while Jason is mixing in the flour and eggs. He stops and looks at everyone surprised. To Duke’s credit it is rare for all of them to be in the same room for a non vigilante related reason. He looks at Jason and into the bowl.

“Hey, that looks great! I’m heading out to patrol but save me some for when I get back?” He says as he grabs an apple and speeds out of the kitchen without waiting for an answer. Jason files the information to save some away in his head before he continues mixing. He makes sure everything is evenly coated before heating up a pan and drizzling some vegetable oil onto it. He places as many scoops as he can evenly spread on the pan and waits until he can flip them.

The sizzly of the fritters and the oil almost covers up the sound of a new pair of feet entering the kitchen.

“Whatchya making, Jaybird?” This time he doesn’t jump at the sound of Dick’s voice coming from directly over his shoulder. Just by looking at Dick’s eyes tells Jason the eldest is floating in between a dissociation episode. He’s not really all there.

Jesus Christ, was he the only one who had a good night? Well, he doesn’t really know how Duke’s night went but with the way he was rushing to get on patrol, if Jason had to guess it would be probably not good.

“Parsnip and Onion fritters.” He replies while scanning the kitchen for what task he can give Dick to help him out.

“Hey, could you do the dishes for me? I wouldn’t want Alfred to wake up and find the kitchen a mess.” He asks softly. Jason doesn’t mention that Alfred is already up and upon seeing all of them in the kitchen, about ten minutes ago, gave Jason a soft smile and left to do whatever Alfred does when he’s not butlering.

Dick turns to where Jason points to the dishes and nods.

“Oh yeah, of course.” He says spacely. Jason fights the urge to fist pump. If he’s learnt anything it's if you wanna get Dick Grayson to help himself, you gotta guilt trip him a little bit. He does take the knife before Dick can add it to his washing pile. Yeah he’s got some less than moral helping tactics but he’s not gonna let the guy hurt himself.

Damian gets up to help Dick with the dishes and they make quiet conversation. With Damian occasionally yelling when Dick splashes him or tries to place bubbles on his head.

Jason hands the empty bowl to Dick before placing the last of the fritters onto one big plate. He quickly whips up a greek yogurt and herb dip sauce. He grabs out enough plates for everyone and places two on a plate for Duke before wrapping it with foil and placing them in the fridge. He then hands the remaining stack of plates to Dick.

“Alright losers follow if you want breakfast.” He calls out before heading into the proper dining room. Dick sets the table before taking one for himself.

Jason will never tell anyone but he did feel nervous waiting for everyone’s reaction.

“Wait, why is this good?”

“I can’t tell if these are good or if I’m just really fucking hungry.”

“These are really good Jaybird.”

He tried to hide the way the tension fell from his shoulders before digging into his own food. The atmosphere was good and it made Jason kinda miss moments like this. This sense of family and belonging. Just a family having breakfast together.

“Is there any left for me?” Bruce asks as he walks in. Jason looks up at him. He’s met with a proud look he hasn’t seen in what feels like a lifetime. He hides his face and gestures to an empty chair.

“Take a seat, old man.”

I hope the fic is a good as you guys imagined 🥰

here’s a special thanks to @kaycynyrs for sending in the ask that inspired me to look at this fic again and @yourlocal-edgelord for encouraging me to rewrite it and to @heavenssolitude for being there and supporting me 🥰

(i’ll totally untag you guys if you didn’t wanna be tagged. just wanted to say thanks)

[lilituism]

Another one for @batfam-big-bang

This one is for @tintinnabulation-of-the-bells 's beautiful hurt/comfort story He Ain't Heavy.

[gbirrd]

A piece Ive made for the @batfam-big-bang is for this fic by @megaerakles inspired by The Odyssey! Obviously, the soundtrack whilst drawing was EPIC. Would you expect anything else, really?

Image ID:

An image reminescent of a book cover. Transluscent white shattered glass-like cracks stem from a jagged 'hole' slightly left of the center, through which Bruce Wayne's eye is visible in a vibrant blue. The cracks radiate out into 8 sections, each with a different character, which together make up one face. From left going clockwise, the characters are Dick Grayson, with deep eyebags, Jason Todd, with prominent scarring, Tim Drake, Steph Brown, a siren Cass Cain, Duke Thomas, Helena Wayne, and Damian Wayne-Al Ghul wearing a laurel crown. The image is done in a painterly style similar to goache.

[spicyspiders]

*touches pond* James Marsden Cyclops... He is so god damn fine and I will never forgive The Last Stand for what it did to my husband

also him and Logan definitely fucked, they were flirting non stop throughout the films

This is Scott Summers. He is the most powerful mutant and he's also the one Wolverine most likes to fuck doggystyle, sideways, frontwards, backwards, upside down, 360 degrees, no condoms, skin on skin, on the living room, on the bed room, on the fridge, on the closet, on the ceiling, on the walls on the bathroom on the couch on the car and on the street.

[crows-sleepy]

Summary: A tear rolled down his cheek, falling and landing to the floor under him, he didn't cry loudly like most children his age do, it was silent, better that way.

But it wasn't best that way, he shouldn't be crying at all, he was not a child, he was an heir, he could not, even for a second risk falling that far.

Or, Damian's past ia always there no matter how badly anyone wishes it wasn't

Or or, Damian angst in which league standards make sure no one can ever know he's not alright, but they do

Title: Robin's are meant to fly, how did you lose your wings?

Chapter one, also on ao3 under the same name, will be updated regularly

★

Tap, tap, tap

Click, click, click

Tick, tick, tick

In the living room of the manor, Tim's foot tapped repeatedly against the floor as his leg quickly bounced with anxiety, the only other noises being the ticking of the ever turning clock, and the clicking of Jason unloading and reloading his guns, looking like he was about a second away from punching whatever was closest to him.

So on the couch sat Tim, a long empty cup of coffee in hand, next to him sat Dick, so eerily silent, he had never been this quiet, the oldest's pale blue gaze bore into the smooth wood of the floor, his hands clasped so tightly together his knuckles were white, as he sat deep in thought, and Jason in a plush arm chair across from the two, a couple guns on hand.

'2:00 pm'

The clock had read, two, only an hour and a half until Damian came home from school.

Jason let out an aggressive huff of irritation, slamming his gun down on the table.

"What the hell is up with the demon brat?"

Jason's loud, angry tone rang out to his brother's.

Tim sighed heavily, exhaustion and even concern seeping from his body language, he placed his empty cup down on the coffee table in front of him.

"If we knew that, this wouldn't be happening would it?"

Tim had snipped back.

"Both of you stop it, this isn't getting us anywhere.."

Dick spoke through a sigh, unclasping his hands to run one through his hair.

"Well I don't suppose you have any better ideas, Dickie bird?"

Jason had asked, his tone sarcastic as ever, irritation clear in his voice, something was wrong with Damian, something was really wrong, and they wanted, no needed, to find out what it was.

Dick had paused to think, that seemed to be the only thing he knew to do about this, he needed to think this over, think Dick, think, you want to ask him but he just shuts off, you can't scare the kid...

But then he spoke.

"We can't talk to him about it, we all know he isn't going to say anything if we just come right out and ask, we need to think this through."

Think this through? Is that all you know how to do? What a crappy older brother, can't even figure out what's wrong with Damian.

"Dick's right, plain out asking him isn't working, we need to be more careful about this, or he'll start trying harder to pretend like nothing's wrong."

Tim had agreed, his tone thoughtful.

"Let's go over everything, what have you two noticed about Damian recently?"

Dick offered, they needed to get everything together, if they went without knowing everything Damian would surely tear them down just as fast as they had gotten up.

Jason scoffs, rolling his eyes.

"That he's a damn brat."

"Jason."

Dick gritted the name out scoldingly.

"We have to take this seriously."

Dick spoke with exasperation and worry sinking through his voice, and Jason must have heard it to, given how quickly he caved.

"Kid's been getting hurt more on patrol, it's not like him, letting himself get all scraped up over nothing."

Jason spoke as he gave in, Tim nodded as Jason spoke, before his own voice rang into the air.

"I noticed that too, but that's not where it started, Damian seems distracted, upset even, something's wrong."

Dick didn't necessarily feel any better at his little brother's words, guilt and concern flooded his gut swarming and swallowing him alive. How hadn't he noticed this sooner? Why hadn't he been there to stop it before whatever Damian is upset about happened? Why did he have to be such a bad brother...

But he couldn't focus on those feelings right now, he needed to focus on Damian, he needed to focus on helping him before anything, and compiling this information just might help.

"Has he said anything that could show what he was upset about?"

Dick had wondered worriedly to his younger brothers. Tim shakes his head, looking disappointed, Jason grumbles to himself under his breath.

"As if that stubborn brat would say anything.."

Dick stayed silent after that, no one had any idea what happened? Why was Damian so set to hide it?

Click

The sound of the front door opening was the only thing that pulled them all out of their thoughts, Damian stepping into the hallway of the manor, he wasn't visible yet, but his small footsteps could be heard against the wooden floor of the manor.

"Hey, Dami-"

Dick had called out gently to the boy, who hadn't even seemed to hear him, walking through the hallway past the doorway of the living room, his lips fallen in a small frown as his gaze watched the floor and lower parts of the walls, anywhere but up as he climbed the stairs.

Dick rather quickly fell silent, his words leaving him in that moment, Jason looked even more pissed if that was possible, and Tim looked utterly confused and frustrated, but Dick, just felt something well up in him, concern, worry.

What was happening? It wasn't unusual for Damian to ignore him, or anyone for that matter, but this was weird...

                                ★

Damian walked up the staircase like he had hundreds of times before, but this time felt wrong, so wrong.

Why was it wrong? This is how it was supposed to be, mother wanted you here, Damian, you want you here.

But the thoughts wouldn't leave his mind, of course he wanted to be here, he loved it here-

Loved?

When had that happened? He wasn't supposed to love anything.

He wasn't supposed to be like this, so why was he? Why did he have to be so soft recently? Mother would surely be so disappointed, grandfather would truly kill him...what about father? What would father think?

THUD

Damian's foot slipped from the step as he tumbled down, grabbing onto the railing, pulling his arm painfully as he held himself up with only the railing to help, Damian heard the shuffling in the living room, how could he not?

The way Grayson, or maybe, maybe, even Todd or Drake shot up to come over, but he couldn't face them at the moment, he couldn't let them know how foolish he was being.

Falling down the steps just because he was distracted, he knew better than that, he should know better than that.

He quickly pushed himself to his feet, rushing up to his room, it's not like he was hurt anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would it matter?

He's fought through worse, he should be able to just walk through this, it was a fall, a stumble, nothing of importance, in the league it wouldn't have mattered, in fact he may have even been punished for it, for being imperfect, why were things so different here?

He didn't know what to do..it was all so different, he had been here long enough to be used to it, and he was, he was used to it but he couldn't be anymore, this was wrong, he was wrong, so, so wrong.

He was a failure, he was weak, he was something he shouldn't be, he was human, and oh, how scary that was...

Sat in front of the door, his bag dropping near him, his knees pulled up to his chest, he buried his face in his knees, his arms wrapped around himself.

Why was he doing this? It was pitiful, disgusting...if mother saw-

Mother wouldn't see, she didn't know, she couldn't know, he couldn't be punished if she never knew he was breaking a rule, it would be like all the other rules he's broken without her supervision.

No one could know about the weakness he was showing right now, it was pathetic, horrid, he was a terrible son, a terrible family member.

He was soiling the name of their family by being so weak, he wasn't supposed to be like this.

This isn't why he was born, he could never be a child, he had to be an heir.

A tear rolled down his cheek, falling and landing to the floor under him, he didn't cry loudly like most children his age do, it was silent, better that way.

But it wasn't best that way, he shouldn't be crying at all, he was not a child, he was an heir, he could not, even for a second risk falling that far.

Word count: 1422

[wesavegotham]

These fanon Tim Drake takes/fanfictions that paint him as the ultimate victim during the Morrrison era were always annoying, but if you're looking for a character to write fix it fanfictions about because they got abandoned by their family when they went through a lot of losses and lost themselves in the process, ran away from everything and only had the batfamily try to bring them back home ages after they had already run away and only after first blaming the kid and then not prioritizing bringing that kid back, then Damian from 2018 to 2020 is right there?

Where are my 1000+ fanfictions about that?

[theredcuyo]

Actually, Jason Todd who is alive to the public again and decides that he's going to have the worst, most unhinged persona (with a limit, just so they don't think too much of it)ever so Bruce thinks it twice before dragging him to anything

He's a total mess of a celebrity, Brucie without the Playboy part and instead, he gets on calling out other rich assholes with sass and passive-aggresive talk, like 'Oh, Mrs. Sanders- Ah, right, Miss White, is it now? Sorry, it's hard to keep up with the fift divorce, i imagine you'll put some of the half you got this time to our charity instead of on more wine?' while also acting as a sweet daddy's little boy who can do no wrong and it's just 'trying to make some friends'

He still has the strong moral compass and the sweetheart part of the act, but he can't put that many himbo moments here and there (everyone knew he had good grades and shit, thanks to Bruce 'did you know my son is the smartest ever?' Wayne) but he does nerd literature moments (that aren't even a lie) to throw people who like to show off but don't know shit

So, a lot of people hate him and he loves it

He only slightly changes the act when interacting with children for the fundation and programs you bet your ass he got Tim and Bruce to make, instead of the call outs, he goes for lighthearted irony and talk like 'Oh, You didn't know? I heard that Deliah, yes Deliah Olson, is now going on a grape-candy solo week? Can you believe it? I thought she couldn't like without chocolate!' and ish like that

And what are the adults going to do about it? Call out the son of the richest man in Gotham? The one who to him seems completely innocent? The one, who you know, he lost once and now seems very protective of? Jumping out a window is a faster way to die

Bruce loves him, but he's starting to only take him to the fundation events so he's on his best behavior

[dukeofthomas]

The thing that makes me insane about Dick and Jason specifically is that they were both only children. They had to learn how to be brothers together. They went from strangers to friends to brothers in my mind. The original batsiblings.

[gianteyedcrow]

They’re the brothers ever to me

[mariocki]

Colin Baker makes some excellent faces as an unnamed town hall clerk, assisting Frank Marker with his case in Public Eye: The Man Who Didn't Eat Sweets (5.9, Thames, 1971)

[spicypotstickerbliss]

This Batfam Big Bang, I beta’d four fics in addition to writing my own. It was a lot, but they’re all super epic and amazing!

Here’s number one, a multi chap about a camping trip with Dick and Jason gone wrong. Plenty of whump, h/c, and feelings. Soooo good!

[decaf-mother]

{Random Incorrect Quotes Because I'm A Sleepy Mess}

-

|These are all just me if I was in their universe. Stupidity incoming lmao|

-

Y/N: Hello, child. You have been crime fighting on an empty stomach and I will not stand for it.

Tim: How did you know that- wait... How'd you get up here without me seeing you???

Y/N, slapping a sandwich into his hand: ✨Sammwich✨

Tim: ?!?

Y/N: *Sprints away*

-

Y/N, rustling through her purse: You look like you need a snack... You're not taking proper care of yourself, hon.

Jason: I'm a grown ass man. I am perfectly capable of-

Y/N, throwing a granola bar at his face: ✨Snack✨

Jason, irritated: Stop.

-

Y/N, sliding a card to Bruce, whispering: Psst... Batman... Hey. Batman... Hey.

Bruce, looking at the hand drawn father's day card, confused: ....

Bruce: I'm not your father.

Y/N: ....

Y/N: But you could be.

-

Y/N: I have a great idea.

Dick: No.

Y/N: Why?

Dick: You're just gonna stab them with a knife.

Y/N: Yeah. But it's effective.

-

Bruce: .... Where are the girls?

Dick: I think Y/N took them for a girls night out.

Bruce: ....

Bruce: They're gonna come home with cats, aren't they?

Dick: Probably.

-

[tintinnabulation-of-the-bells]

I officially wrote something again for @batfam-big-bang ! This time there's some incredible art to go along with it.

You can check out the story here:

And you can find links to the art here from two incredible artists! Please give them all the love.

From: @your-worst-knightmare

And here from @lilituism :

[lilituism]

[ID: The scene is set in a dilapidated building. In the foreground civilian Dick Grayson is tied to a chair that has fallen over so he is lying on his back. Blood is running down his chest pooling under him. The Red Hood is half kneeling next to him and leaning forward, his right hand on Dick's chest and his helmet placed next to his leg. He's looking worried. Slightly behind the Red Hood on the left of the picture is Red Robin, also kneeling and looking worried. In the background Robin is beating up a goon with his katana.]

My third artwork for @batfam-big-bang

One of the two stories (two! I managed to inspire two authors with this one!) is going to be uploaded later today. The other one will follow soon. I'll update this post with links as soon as possible.

EDIT: So, first off, one should never post anything while sleepdeprived. In other words, I forgot the ID. It's added now, sorry for that.

More importantly though! Check out the absolute masterpiece @talesoferyngalen has created: