#being my autistic self

[artsykerfufflespam]

Ableist Story Time!

Sooo it was my final day of driver ed, stopped at a red light, all going fine, humming n tapping my fingers, just stimming a bit, only some very minor and infrequent facial tics... I wasnt hardly doing anything "odd", merely not masking. And then the driving instructor asks me "Did you take your medicine today?".

ō_ō

Bitch? What?

1. Thats not something you ask a stranger

2. Her tone was,, idk how to describe but it didnt help make what she said less-ableist-feeling/ less offensive

3. In asking that she was essentially saying "i think youre acting crazy" and/or "you seem unfit to drive because of this behavior" (the behavior was extremely mild and its not her job to decide if my illnesses prevent me from driving or not)

4. I don't take medicine for tourettes or for ASD, so idek what "medicine" she was referring to. She doesn't know me. If I wasn't on any medicine she would essentially be telling a stranger that she thinks they need to be medicated.

In summation, the rest of the drive was not particularly great. As we drove faster and my anxiety worsened my tics too slightly, and knowing that she was judging me for it certainly didn't help me relax. Simply stimming is enough for someone to think someone should be medicated. I spend most of my time with accepting, and usually also ND, people, so this was my first encounter with someone like this in a while. It was a shock to say the least, a shock that people are still so un-understanding.

Feel free to comment or rb your opinions, if I'm overreacting or if you have similar experiences. Personally i think this exchange was ridiculous and embarassing and incasive and abelist.

[inkskinned]

even 2 years ago people still said autism with a whisper. it was also how people sometimes whisper lesbian, like they're afraid of uttering a slur. autistic was either an insult or it was something terrible, a horrible burden only select people endure. "select people" were usually 9 year old boys and skinny white men.

they are not hispanic young adults with a dog and a life and friends. i can make (sustained, calculated, painful) eye contact. with certain people, i don't even have to count how many seconds i am holding their vision - i can just look at them. i can wear clothes that bother me, i will just have a worse day than usual. i might cry about any changes to my schedule - but change is scary! this is normal!

when i was 16 it was OCD. i mean that was the thing everyone said. i totally have ocd. they would arrange 6 colors of gel pen in rainbow order (no worry for indigo feeling left out) and they'd be "so ocd" about it.

if you struggle with intrusive thoughts, be careful at this next paragraph, but. at 16 i developed a compulsion that involved self-harm. my ocd was convinced i was simply forgetting that i'd hurt someone terribly - a thought that persisted for no clear or delineated reason.

at some point i will probably write about how the idea of "morally pure thoughts" was hell for me and others with ocd, but this was the odd dichotomy for many of us: they liked our "aesthetic", but were genuinely repulsed by our lived experience. "intrusive thoughts" now means "cutting your hair in the sink" instead of talking yourself down from believing horrible things. "so ocd" is a label without any true understanding.

it's something i've talked about before - in multiplicity - but i firmly believe in the veracity and necessity of self-diagnosis. i think it saves lives and it saves tragedies from occurring. as someone raised in a house that wasn't safe, self-diagnosis was, for many years, the only viable option. 15 and honestly googling: am i depressed or are there demons affecting my behavior.

but it is not genuine self-diagnosis anymore, most of the time. it is a strange, blanched version of that whispered word autism. now certain traits are constantly seen as "autistic" - any passing intense interest. any flubbed social interaction. people say it while laughing - a touch of the 'tism.

and i like the acceptance! i do. i like that people are talking about it. i like that if i self-identify, more people speak up and say me too, bitch. but there is something-else quietly happening, the way it happened to OCD. the quirky, "fun" parts have been washed and sanitized and removed of all suffering. now it is just something that makes you "a little bit silly."

it took me 27 years on this planet before i learned to make friends. something about me just seems incredibly odd, i guess, some kind of radiation monitoring. someone once (in a way that was almost friendly) told me i am doing the right things, but in a way that's off-putting. i have scoured myself raw attempting to be charming.

someone on tiktok does a deep dive into their particular passion. the top comment says "what kind of autism is this lol". like we are a breed of animal. like it has no influence on our experience. like our life is a fresh breeze, an open meadow.

more often for me, life was a drowning.

[toomuchdivergentformyneuro]

me: *reads over symptoms of autism once again* “see but i don’t get upset over changes in routine, we change the routine all the time and i’m totally okay with it!”

also me since i was a kid: *gets irritated, stressed, angry, aggravated, and depressed for the rest of the day after something is switched to another day* *gets angry, stressed, and depressed, and has a breakdown when i find out we have to cancel plans, even if i didn’t really wanna go to wherever we were planning to go* *gets aggravated and is easily upset and is depressed the whole day after i get to cancel something that i had been planning for but also are relieved that i don’t have to go since i really didn’t want to* *is depressed, angry, irritated, and stressed after we cancel plans that i had zero feelings for up until that point* etc.

[citricacidprince]

Everyone’s always like “Me and the Bad Bitch I pulled by being autistic”

Where’s MY bad bitch I pulled by being autistic???? Where are you finding these bad bitches who like your silly whimsy and inability to answer the phone???? Please????

[rexscanonwife]

Uhm uh uh...I have no excuse for this 😔 PPG self insert who is secretly an alien! I imagine her intro episode would have her having a little romance with the professor when he comes into a bookstore she works at/owns and the girls being (rightfully, given the prof's dating history) suspicious of her. Wacky capers ensue where they try to prove that she's up to no good, only to find that she genuinely is just chilling and wants to live a normal life on earth!

Well, normal as she can, now that she knows this family! I think she'd fit right in 😉

Taglist♡: @crushes-georg @changeling-selfship @me-myself-and-my-fos @tiny-cloud-of-flowers @sunstar-of-the-north @dearly-beeloved @adoredbyalatus @squips-ship @cherry-bomb-ships @miutonium

[jasperthejester]

me: finally accepting theres a good chance im autistic and starting to work up the courage to ask my parents to see if i could get a diagnoses but being scared to

my mom: do you ever think you have adhd? if you want to do a screening for add next time your at the doctors you can

me:

[sc3rcasm]

How did I do today?

Were you proud of me? Did I do okay? How did you think I acted today? Was I talkative enough?did I make you happy? Did I make you uncontrollably laugh, like I usually do?

Or

Was I a failure like usual? Did I upset you? Did I act differently today? Did I go non-verbal like the little fucking dumb@ss I am? Did I make you depressed? Did I make you concerned, like I usually do?

do you hate me?

hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me hate me?

do you want me to shut the fvck up? I'll gladly do that for you. I'll do anything for you. I'm afraid I don't have my own personality anymore, can I borrow some of yours? Make myself seem more interesting and likeable for once in my life? Just so I can fit in and do what others do??

I feel myself falling.

[autisticlee]

"just be yourself" has always been one of my most hated things to hear from someone. it may sound simple and easy to you, but when you grew up never able formed a single solid personality (because you grew up autistic or for some other reason) and/or have always felt more like 20 different personalities in a trench coat who fight over who is supposed to be in charge, that "simple" advice is so much less simple.....it can even seem impossible.

[captainclickycat]

Me: So basically it's a bit like the sort of dream you might have if you fell asleep watching Muppet Treasure Island while Flight of the Conchords were playing in the background, in a living room whose decor was like 75% Pride merch. But it's also a really tender romance and a commentary on toxic masculinity and the boxes society and the people around us try to forcibly cram us into and how we don't have to be stuck in them forever. It's great, you'll love it so much.

My past self, who somehow retroactively invented time travel to come talk to me: That's wonderful, but I was really hoping you'd tell me how we're doing careerwise and stuff.

[saint-vagrant]

forgot to say on here, but hey after putting it off on account of the govt not needing to know my business, it started bothering me enough to finally change my name legal style (and immediately after our traumatic court date... diving right back into it.)

and it fills me with a certain kind of joyous+stubborn resolve. being transsexual and a man et al rules and is righteous and delicious and magnificent in its abundant complexity. nothing wrong with it at all, only good things, and don't let anyone pretend otherwise. gwan and lust for it. personally i've never been one for "i want to look Like someone who Would x without actually Being x—" nope! i crave embodiment. no hypotheticals here. (these sentiments are mostly @ myself but i'll let you know my heart also.) acknowledging that i wasn't Necessarily born as joe is difficult and brave of me but i imagine the experience like a marble statue or a painting— i'm simply letting the form within reveal himself to me 🥰 joefficial.

[twistedsweetheart]

It’s not my fault mom, maybe if you actually communicated properly I’d know what you meant!

I can’t fucking read minds! I can’t understand tones, you know this! Just fucking explain yourself, tell me what you want me to do!

Stop getting pissed at me for not knowing what you meant and not doing exactly what you want!

JUST TELL ME!

“I hate your attitude!” Well I’m fucking depressed and wanna kms, I’m sorry I don’t have the motivation to pretend to be happy for you anymore.

Maybe if I was just dead your life would be so much better, all you do is treat me like a fucking burden.

I’m sorry I was born, sorry I’m such a fucking failure.

[soaps-mohawk]

Was Simon cleaning her room to like look for something or is he just the kind of guy who likes to clean? Or is it something else?

(I have a feeling this is going to get the gif as a response)

He was rizzin' with the 'tism

lmaoo

yeah he was just cleaning cause he took one look into her room and went "not in this house".

[oetscop]

why does having a fullblown meltdown make me hungry after. like its embarrassing to calm down and be like okay i guess im just eating soup now

[ashs-nerd-den]

Self care while studying

Drinking games - get a question wrong - take a sup of water

Keep snacks in your go too study space, do not miss meals because of a hyper focus, you need nutrients to fuel your wonderfulness. Dried bananas won't expire for ages and the magnesium is good for focus

Go to the bathroom first, especially if you have problems with interception (understanding signals from your body)

Get comfy. Don't sit all proper if you're not feeling it, lie in your bed, bent like a pretzel if it feels good. There are no rules.

[randomwordzard]

I didn't have felt different from everyone my whole life undiagnosed autism, I had assumed everyone's autistic and masking is something everyone does undiagnosed autism

[rexscanonwife]

Genuinely how it feels having ur s/i next to ur f/o sometimes