#been having a hard time lately with self worth and value and not feeling like a burden

[lovelaceisntdead]

ah. sad.

[honeytonedhottie]

starting ur healing journey⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🩹🎀

healing is so important for us to function and have good quality of life. a lot of the time its easy to brush ur mental and emotional health underneath the rug but its just as important as ur physical health, if not more important. take care of urself…💬🎀

SHADOW WORK ;

shadow work is a form of journalling that focuses on confronting our "shadows" or parts of us that we dont know well, to help kind of understand ourselves better, why we respond to certain situations the way we do etc. it rly dives into urself and ur shadows.

HOT TIP ; if u search shadow work prompts on pinterest they have some rly rly good prompts, thats where i get all of my prompts. i also have a couple posts that include shadow work prompts…💬🎀

the most common way i see people do shadow work, and the way i do it, is by using shadow work prompts and choosing a few that resonate with me. i'd answer the prompt in depth and talk about it in my journal. shadow work has helped me heal in so many ways and i highly recommend it if ur thinking about starting to do shadow work every now and then.

WHAT DO U STRUGGLE WITH ;

recognizing what triggers you and things that u struggle with help you to identify the underlying source. this is called being more aware of urself, so i challenge u to dig deeper into urself and try and find out what the BIG idea is.

some things to take note of when ur trying to identify the deeper reasons for ur behaviors, feelings etc is to look at…💬🎀

♡ what do i value

♡ what do i have the strongest opinions towards

♡ what is something that i think of all the time/why do i think that all the time

by also looking at ur biggest fears, ur strongest opinions and ur deeply held values u can kind of understand what u value most and where ur insecurities and fears stem from. something that u can also look to is the things that u regret...

STRUGGLE WITH REGRET ;

first off, understand that u should recognize, reflect and then move on because living in a past moment is stagnant and u can't expect urself to heal if ur doing so. the only thing that u rly can do is heal from it and learn from whatever u regret so much so that then in the future u dont repeat those same things.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING GENTLE WITH URSELF ;

practice self compassion!! i swear everyone is so kind to literally everyone EXCEPT for themselves. give urself a break and humanize urself. u can do this by allowing urself to make mistakes and forcing urself out of the shame cycle. you are allowed to make mistakes cuz your human!! stop being so hard on urself.

furthermore remembering to be gentle with urself can cultivate a better relationship with self. acknowledge ur feelings and remember that whatever emotions ur feeling are totally normal and valid. doing things like…💬🎀

♡ journalling and nurturing urself, ur being gentle with urself and to me thats rly important when embarking on ur self healing journey

WAYS TO SHOW URSELF THAT U CARE ;

♡ practicing forms of self care and grooming - ur showing urself the love that u deserve and that ur worth taking care of and putting in effort for

♡ being mindful of ur health through what u eat, how much u sleep etc

♡ walking away from toxic situations, people etc and protecting ur peace in doing so

♡ getting fresh air everyday and moving ur body

♡ focus on urself and your needs before focusing on the needs of other people. you first.

SEEK AND YOU'LL FIND ;

lately most of my worries and the thing that has been putting the biggest strain on my mental health is things that i dont have the answer to. and by seeking help from some of my moots and my friends and searching on my own for answers that satisfied my curiosity i feel like i can live yk? cuz im constantly in a state of wondering and asking myself things that ik stress myself out and im working on breaking that cycle…💬🎀

[silverflqmes]

໒⦂ 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐇𝐂𝐒.

synopsis. a compilation of headcanons that showcase the dating experience of the first class SOLDIER boys — along with a certain self proclaimed one..

genre. fluff + crack

ft. sephiroth, cloud strife, zack fair, genesis rhapsodos, angeal hewley

gender neutral! reader.

➫ 𝓢𝗘𝗣𝗛𝗜𝗥𝗢𝗧𝗛 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ what’s it like dating sephiroth? it’s along the lines of sneaking around to meet at your most favorite spots, learning how to love, delicate touches and kisses, elements of forbidden romance, healing and deep conversations involving lots of reassurance.

⌗ sephiroth isn’t very familiar with physical affection, it’s something he never had the luxury of experiencing all his life.. so he would be a bit awkward with it, confused even, but he’s willing to learn cuz he wants to bond with you more! that and he’s hella touch starved.. although he won’t say🙁

⌗ love language, let’s see.. he also seems like the acts of service kinda guy, but values words of affirmation — whether towards himself or towards you. he doesn’t want his unwarranted popularity to bring you doubt of your own worth, but he also wants to hear he’s enough for you, since he, um, doesn’t view himself in the best light.. sobs.

⌗ the first date.. well, i would think you guys would have been together during the crisis core era cuz like.. after nibelheim.. kinda hard. unless you have jenova cells😭 anyways- the first date! he was not sure on where to take you, given his schedule and just him not um being sure on where to take you.. somehow, though, you ended up at a beautiful library, straight out of a fairytale setting. how he found such a hidden gem in midgar of all places stayed unknown to you, but it was such a lovely outing together<3 he seemed so carefree and at ease ( im sobbing. )

⌗ if anybody dares talk shit about sephiroth or make him feel outcasted, inhuman — whatever they have made him feel — BEAT THEM UP!! although, not actually.. because he won’t let you😐 still, he finds it sweet that despite his power and capability of ending somebody’s career — you won’t hesitate for even a second to stand up for him. likewise, if people dare to hurt you in anyway, it’s on sight.

⌗ ah, the i love you.. he would take a minute to say it because he’s still trying to understand the concept of love and process that you actually feel that way about him. but you wouldn’t say it first — he would. because you want him to say it when he feels it’s right, cuz you don’t wanna pressure him or anything..

⌗ sephiroth became a father of a very, very adorable feline friend that you surprised him with one day to keep him company. he was confused at first — but has grown fond of the cat and it’s his best friend now. they have the same eye color too and the cat has silver fur!!

➫ 𝓒𝗟𝗢𝗨𝗗 𝓢𝗧𝗥𝗜𝗙𝗘 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ what’s it like dating cloud? it’s late nights underneath the stars, comforting words and squeezes, a rollercoaster of challenges that you will have to overcome in order to be with one another.. and emotional constipation on his end for sure, but he’s trying his best!

⌗ cloud isn’t exactly the easiest with pda, he gets embarassed easily and doesn’t seem like the type to uh.. want people watching him do something outside of his norm? not really the spotlight loving type despite the wall market arc.. but he is okay with handholding and locking pinkies even too<3

⌗ his love language, hm.. i think it would be acts of service on the giving end, and for the receiving end, i think words of affirmation would suit his wants. he just wants to make sure he’s doing okay for you, every now and again he needs to hear it. otherwise i do see physical affection behind curtains.. he’s not openly expressive on it — has a hard time asking for stuff🥹

⌗ first date, uhh.. i think he would’ve gotten with you by the advent children timeline, just because he wants to do some reflection and y’know get the angst out of his system.. but anyway, the date i think would be a drive on fenrir ( his motorcycle.. ) to the outskirts of edge, somewhere the stars can be seen. it’s simple, nothing complex, just to unwind and enjoy the other’s company.

⌗ cloud tends to get nightmares a lot, i mean, bro has unresolved trauma.. and doesn’t have all his memories back because of that. so i feel he would have developed insomnia or just fears going to sleep. when this happens, i imagine later down the line when you are comfy with each other, be there for him!! company helps, always<3

⌗ for the i love you.. well, i think you’ll probably be the one to say it first — but verbatim. cloud, however, would be the one to say it first.. but without actually saying those three words.

⌗ while cloud has a very idgaf attitude and demeanor, he won’t hesitate to kick ass if someone speaks bad on you or does anything harmful towards you. bro literally used to brawl with kids back in nibelheim😭 if he hears any shit spoken on you or sees you getting pushed around, the buster is coming tf out🫡 or well, i suppose first tsurugi if it’s ac..

➫ 𝓩𝗔𝗖𝗞 ��𝗔𝗜𝗥 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ what’s it like dating zack fair? a total fever dream that makes you feel like a school girl in love, surprise attack hugs, being dragged to all sorts of places for dates, phone calls when you are apart and can’t sleep, convenience store trips at super odd hours and avoiding your responsibilities at shinra!

⌗ bro is so about pda, he can’t keep his hands off you!! wants to hug and hold you as much as possible, truly a puppy🥸 in public he likes to hold hands and walks with a skip in his step cuz he’s just so happy to be around you, also likes to wrap an arm around you for close proximity<3 doesn’t shy away from physical touch basically!

⌗ love language.. definitely physical affection, bro is totally the clingy type.. but i also believe he would value it a lot tbh — giving as well as receiving! then there’s acts of service, cuz i think that would also be his thing based on him telling aerith to make a list of her wishes for him.. OH, OH AND QUALITY TIME!! can’t forget that🙃

⌗ the first date was at costa del sol!! cc era too cuz um.. well.. y’know.. zack needed a break away from SOLDIER activities and hitting the beach seemed like a good way to go! catch some rays, chase those waves, maybe some volleyball, bbq and smoothies!! if you think it’s gonna be a relaxing day.. it’s probably gonna be a shit load of different activities.. but don’t worry!! you’ll get the absolute best sleep EVER afterwards. guaranteed!!

⌗ zack is a pretty emotional person, he feels very easily so if you’re hurt or upset, he aches for you. he rlly wants you to be happy, doesn’t want to see your smile taken away, ever. so he does everything in his power to ensure your happiness and if it’s people who have brought you sadness, then oh boy, they have another thing coming..

⌗ he kinda blurts the i love you out first without thinking tbh, it just comes out and he has the widest grin on his face when he says it. he fr doesn’t know what he’s doing to you, no matter how flustered or warm your chest feels, he’s so nonchalant about it😭 like why should he wait when he knows how he feels??

⌗ angeal had to give him a long ass talk about dating, honor, treating you well — you name it, your average angeal lecture🫡 but romance edition.. featuring genesis ( and sephiroth in the background smiling apologetically )

➫ 𝓖𝗘𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗜𝗦 𝓡𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗦𝗢𝗗𝗢𝗦 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ what’s it like dating genesis? it’s like being in a fairytale or movie, having poetry recited to you on the daily to further emphasize his love, getting spoiled endlessly, touches that leave you wanting more and ending up with the prince of your dreams.. kinda.

⌗ he is very much about pda! likes to display that you are his, holds you in his arms at any chance he gets, peppers you with slow, yet lingering kisses that leaves you completely touch starved😪 angeal has to scold him sometimes when he takes too long saying goodbye, especially if they have to go on missions..

⌗ love language would be a mixture between gift giving and physical affection, but i could also see him wanting words of affirmation. i mean he feels like he’s the failed attempt at being sephiroth, believes that the top hero spot should be his and all.. but otherwise, giving gifts to you would definitely be smtn he’d wanna do, especially if his missions are outside of midgar.

⌗ ah, the first date.. well, once again your best chance at being with him would have to have been during the cc timeline cuz bro dips.. but anyway!! the date.. well, strap yourself in cuz you’re going to a living showing of genesis’ favorite, loveless. yes, yes he takes you to a play. how can he not? it’s his favorite work of literature, and he wants to share that love with you too!! he’ll dress you up fancy beforehand, bought you a whole outfit😵‍💫

⌗ circling back to the reassurance thing.. despite his arrogance, he feels like he’s not good enough a lot. feels like a failed project in a sense, and views himself as less because of his degradation — it’s just a slow burn for him. but a little bit of affirmation on your end and the promise of wanting him for him helps a lot<3

⌗ who said i love you first.. hm, he seems like the type to say it without actually saying those specific words. i think he would have said it several times via poetry before you fully register that this man fr said he loved you. awkward on your end. but when the pieces finally clicked together, butterflies swarmed your stomach hella but you adored every minute of it🫶

⌗ he shows off his relationship with you at any chance he gets to sephiroth and zack, angeal kinda but not really.. but he’s just super proud to have you as his and makes sure that it’s known among his colleagues at shinra😭 clown behavior fr but you love it anyway, it’s always nice to feel wanted — even if your man is flashy about it..

➫ 𝓐𝗡𝗚𝗘𝗔𝗟 𝓗𝗘𝗪𝗟𝗘𝗬 ୨୧ ˎˊ˗

⌗ what’s it like dating angeal? being treated with lots of care and gentleness, bit of a mom for a boyfriend at times cuz he wants to make sure you’re taken care of, cradling your face in his hands like you’re his everything and saving you no matter the odds, like a guardian angel.

⌗ pda won’t um.. be so much, bro is very respectful of space and has to be proper or whatever because of honor!! that and he kinda has an image to upkeep, especially with zack around — gotta show the right example of having a significant other! but when you’re alone, he likes to hold you close and just enjoy your presence tbh

⌗ the love language.. let me see, i think he would be a mixture between acts of service and quality time. he enjoys being with you and any company he can get when he isn’t called on missions or babysitting training zack. when he can’t be present, he does things for you to express his love — genesis urges him to!!

⌗ okay let’s see.. the first date, well — again, cc timeline here too since he also, um, leaves.. ANYWAY. where was the location of the first date, you might ask, well.. the museum tbh! i think he would enjoy the calmness of it and just looking at different works of art.. except his most favorite work would fr distract him from any other scenes — that being you. so plan failed on his end, but you had enjoyed yourself lots, and that made him happy to witness🫶

⌗ the amount of panic he would feel if he saw you hurt, like bro is meant to protect you — he promised that he would.. so angeal would feel like he failed you in a sense for not being there to prevent your pain, but you remind him that he’s there now and that you feel safe again, grounded in spite of the hurt you earlier felt.

⌗ i think the first i love you would come from you cuz he just.. wouldn’t know the right time or chance to say it LMAO so you end up saying it which brings this look of shock to his face, but then a warm smile would stretch across his lips, knowing you felt the same as he did<3

⌗ can’t sleep? he’s got plenty of stories to tell about his childhood and some silly events during his missions. it feels foreign to hear this lighthearted, less mature side to him, but it’s also a breath of fresh air and makes you feel special that he allows you to see this more relaxed side to him that isn’t a stoic overly responsible SOLDIER🗣️

notes. whew oh boy uhh second time writing ffvii, i hope it turned out okay :’) i kinda wrote these out of order so some might seem longer or shorter but i hope you guys enjoy!! ik it’s different from the fandoms i write for, but welp this is where my brain has been🫡

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[drdemonprince]

Do you have any immediate thoughts about core identity and autism?

I have a great, neurodivergent friendly therapist - bottom-up, somatic, all that shit that's supposed to be good for autistic clients. But I've been stalled for the last half dozen sessions over the feeling that I have no core 'self', that I am so much a mimic of people around me that my internal self has no core qualities beyond the immediate drive to survive and avoid demands and sensations.

It comes out as "I have no inherent value" (c'mon, no one does) and "I have no inherent moral drive, I just know what causes me pain probably causes others pain, and I am aware other people are different enough from me that I have to believe them when they say something causes them pain, and I must avoid pain for myself and others"

I've been trying to express to my therapist that core identity terms are maybe better couched in vocabulary for computer programs or robots, but it's difficult to adjust therapy speak into that even with a curious and agile therapist.

I have been thinking a lot about animals lately. Animals that are not humans have no "core self." They have no thoughts of self-worth. If you truly look into the eyes of, say, a squirrel or a turtle, you will immediately recognize a great, living void. They are a collection of survival instincts, learned responses, and reactions to the present environment that have some general pattern of constancy but which are ever-evolving.

They do not exist for any "reason," they just exist. No instinct that they have is false, even one that is mimicked or new. They have no morality, only reactions that propel them and follow a sense that is senseless to us creatures with minds that are forever narrating and judging. They just exist and that existence is inseparable from their present physical reality. The same is true of each of us, our minds only complicate it.

I think it is very compelling to be much like any other animal. When I am alone, or feeding my most primal hungers (when I am famished, say, or craving a drink or cigarette), I have no worries of whether I am being authentic or valuable to society or even if I am good. I simply experience feelings and cravings. Life is lived through experiences, as a consciousness that can take things in and do things that affect reality in turn. Life is not lived via our identity or even our beliefs. The universe is horrifically indifferent to what we aspire to be, or believe is right. Entire species exist only due to mating rituals that require murder or rape, and the thriving of one species often spells the doom of others or even itself. It is disgusting and meaningless, being an animal. But in that void there is such stillness and great beauty.

I have been able to access this dark-eyed feral side of myself more lately. I have been spending more time alone, no longer even trying to mask to myself as the kind of social, giving being I had convinced myself I had to be, if my life narrative were to be that I got well. I don't care about being well. Or even being good. Those terms are playmobil level human made up stupid. When I touch that void, and dwell in it, I can see that none of it matters and none of those human judgments are real, and that the fiction of my core self does not really exist at all. And I find it very peaceful.

Lately hard core bondage really helps me get there, mentally, as do long swims and long walks late at night. Conversations with the rare few who are not afraid of almost any thought also help me get there. Most of all I just need time and fucking silence. There are pictures of me lately where I can see an animal. Not someone posing or trying to manage an impression. In those few photos I can feel some unnamable emotion that is real. It is that animal void that exists in all things, that is the breathing of life into flesh.

Therapy, I have got to say, is the stuff of small minds. I don't mean you, I mean your therapist. Therapy can only process in individual personality units, which are a fiction, and it believes that problems exist to be solved through an optimization of the self. You need to be confident. Need to know who you are.

I have often written like that, forgive me for it. But problems do not exist to be solved, they just exist, and some things do not get better, and there really isn't a better or a worse anyway, there is just a vast ecosystem responding to things. A great void of life always teeming, always changing. Great loss and growth and change, violence and birth.

And so I am not surprised to hear your therapist does not get it. The detached view you take of morality likely frightens them. But that might mean you are on a far more compelling path than what they would desire for you, which is probably self-esteem boosting exercises and tidy scripts for setting boundaries with your parents. That stuff is fine. But expecting too much from it is like asking a can opener to explain the universe.

Thanks for writing.

[turtlecleric]

*breaks down your door hoping I’m not too late*

6 with 07 raph????? Pretty please!

Haha you're not too late! Anything for you, Yorsh!! 💕

-

CWs: kidnapping, held prisoner, brainwashing, murder and death, blood, seizures, self-blame, violence against reader

-

The cell door groaning on its hinges startles you from your daze. Not the sound itself, really, but the fact that it’s not time for the sound yet. Weeks of being stuck here has ingrained the daily schedule into your very bones; you know for a fact that there’s still a while to go before your dinner is usually brought to you, which means that fucker is probably coming to taunt you again.

You scoot into the corner of the room, pressing your back against the wall. Making yourself smaller, putting as much space as you can between yourself and him. It's a silly thing to do, considering the fact that he really and truly could do whatever he wanted to you and you wouldn't be able to stop him, but it feels better than doing nothing. And Raph would… want you to protect yourself however you could. 

 He would. If-

“Tonight I will finally prove my worth,” Stockman says, hunched over and fiddling with something in his hands. “The Shredder will see that I do have value.”

You want to tell him that that's impossible. He can't prove what isn't true, after all. But you stay quiet, letting him mutter to himself, and focus instead on the hulking shadow that stands far behind him. White eyes stare impassively at you, the only thing clearly distinguishable in the darkness where he lurks.

Raph. 

There isn't much light where he's standing. It's hard to make out the details, but… you think he looks thinner than the last time Stockman brought him down. Is Stockman keeping him fed? Letting him get enough sleep? You seriously doubt it. You're not sure what he's got Raph doing every day, but you've seen glimpses of the bruises. New scars that you're certain weren't there before. 

Suddenly, Stockman surges forward, gripping your jaw in one hand and shouting inches from your face. “I'm speaking! You will listen when I speak!” 

Someone's pissed. It almost makes you want to laugh. To spit in his face, see just how angry you can get him. Then your eyes flick to Raph, who's still standing there on the far side of the cell. He hasn't so much as blinked this entire time, but. He might still be aware. There might be a part of him watching this. You need to stay out of trouble, to appease this pathetic excuse for a man, because if you get hurt, Raph will lose his mind when he… comes back to it. 

“I'm sorry,” you croak. The apology feels sour on your tongue, but you push through anyway, trying to look like you mean it. Stockman scowls but releases your jaw and straightens up, shaking his head as he peers down at you. As if you're the unreasonable one in this situation. Fucking prick.

“As I was saying,” he continues, stepping back and fiddling with the… remote? Something. It looks like a remote. A bulky one, despite there only being a handful of buttons. “You're going to help me with the final phase.” You pull your gaze away from the remote to look back at him, and the rage you saw earlier has been replaced with something closer to satisfaction. You really, really don't like the look of that smile. “Isn't that great? Knowing you'll finally be useful for something that matters?”

Does he expect you to nod? To smile back? To flap your hands in anticipation or gasp in giddy shared excitement?

You don't respond. He doesn't push it, though, and snaps something into place on the back of the remote with a solid click.

“What exactly are your… feelings for this creature,” he says, gesturing towards Raphael. 

What kind of a question is that? You glance between the two of them, wondering if it matters how truthful you are. In the end, you can't deny what's been drilled into your head since the day you woke up in this cell: he's in control. And it's always better to play along. 

“He's my friend.”

Stockman huffs through his nose, clearly amused by your answer. He twists, staring at Raphael before turning back to you. “Do you believe that he cares deeply for you?”

Your eyes narrow into a glare without your permission. Obviously the answer is yes - and Stockman knows it. You're the entire reason he was able to lure Raph into that fucking trap of his in the first place. He wouldn't have come for you if he didn't care - no matter how stubborn he is about admitting it out loud. 

Stockman hums, searching your face. For what, you're not sure.

“Beast.” He takes another step backwards, while Raph steps forward, close enough that you can make out the bruises and cuts that litter his scales, the thick metal collar that looks too tight around his neck. Every time you see him, the guilt threatens to swallow you whole. His expression is perfectly blank, and that, you think, might be the worst part of all. “This should determine whether he is truly, completely under my control.”

Wait, what?

“Make her stand.”

Raph moves immediately, grabbing your upper arm and dragging you to your feet. It's not a painful grip, but it's firm enough that you know you wouldn't be able to pull away even if you tried.

Stockman's eyes bore into yours, still searching. He takes another step backwards, gripping the remote hard enough that it creaks in his hands. “Choke her.”

Your eyes widen, but that's all you can do before you're shoved backwards against the wall. Raph's free hand wraps around your throat, and you feel it constrict your airway without hesitation. The shock gives way to fear, primal and desperate and wild. You need to breathe. You need to breathe. Your hands come up instinctively, trying to push against his plastron, to grab his wrist. Anything to breathe, anything, anything,  but air doesn't come. Your nails drag along his arm, your feet kicking at his legs. 

It does nothing. He doesn't move, or weaken his grip, or so much as flinch. Through your tears, you can see nothing but him. Eyes still white, face still blank, watching you with what an outsider would deem as disinterest as you struggle. Your lungs scream for oxygen, burning, burning, burning. Tiny, bright spots prickle in the darkness, the edges of your vision pulsing with every frantic heartbeat, and the fear would choke you if Raph wasn't already doing so. 

Raph. Raph is going to kill you. He's going to strangle you to death, and then Stockman will take him to Shredder and make him do who knows what else, and if his brothers ever manage to save him he'll blame himself for everything - and it'll be completely, 100 percent your fault. 

You try to speak, but there's no air for the words to take shape. 

“Release her.”

You fall in a heap, not managing to catch yourself, and bang your head against the concrete. You pay no mind to whatever the fuck Stockman is saying, focusing instead on the sweet oxygen that's finally expanding your lungs. Your ears are ringing. The room spins, and your forehead feels oddly wet and itchy. Before you can think too far past the fact that you can breathe, there's a hand in your hair, yanking you up so that you're kneeling. 

When you manage to focus your eyes, you can see that Stockman is pacing, gesturing animatedly as he speaks. The ringing, you have to listen past it. You have to focus. 

“-did it! This confirms it, I'm sure of it. If he'll hurt you on my command, then he'll do anything on my command.” Stockman pauses, looking at you. His grin stretches wider, and then he strides closer and crouches in front of you. “What were you going to say?”

…What?

Your face must betray your confusion, because he clarifies quickly. “I saw you trying to speak. What were you going to say?”

…Why does he care?

His smile gets impossibly wider, and something in his eyes darkens. You have a fraction of a second to realize that you said that out loud before he responds, “Because when you say your last words, I want you to know that they're your last.”

When his words register, it feels like your chest is caving in. Collapsing in on itself, burning to ash that you can suddenly taste in your mouth. You were right. You're going to die. 

And Raph-

You close your eyes, not wanting to look at this maniac's face any longer. You imagine Raph in front of you. The real Raph, with his sly smirk and gentle hands. You imagine his eyes. Not the white ones you've seen since he was turned, and not the sharp ones he likes to put on like a show. The soft ones that you catch him looking at you with when he isn't expecting you to glance his way. 

“I'm sorry, Raph,” you whisper. “It's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself.”

Stockman barks out a laugh, making you jolt. You hadn't expected it, though you're not really sure why. 

He's still laughing when he gives the order. Still laughing when cool metal presses against your neck. You ignore it, craning your head back to catch one last look at Raphael. 

“I forgive you, okay? It's not you. This isn't your fault.” Raph blinks down at you, his face as neutral as before, and - you can't help it. You put it off for so long, afraid of the consequences. Afraid of pushing him away, somehow, or of ruining what you had with him. Silly, you think, to have wasted so much time when this is how it ends. If you don't say it now, then you never will. “I love you.”

He blinks again, and you wait for the pain. You try to prepare yourself, try to reason that it'll be over in a few minutes. Try to convince yourself that it could be worse. You're not sure how, exactly, but you're sure that it could be worse. He blinks again, and when he does, you see-

A blur of motion, and then he's gone. Something starts to drip nearby. You hear a new sound, a horrible, wet gurgling, and by the time you've realized what's happened, Stockman is already on his knees, clutching his neck. Red spills from between his fingers, and the same red drips from the kunai in Raph's hand. 

His eyes. They're not white. Wide and wet and terrified, but not white. 

The laughter stops.

You focus on him, now. He's looking more alive than he has in weeks, his plastron heaving with each shaky breath. The rage that radiates from him is almost a tangible thing, every part of him trembling. 

“Raph?”

He inhales sharply, his head whipping your way. The rage is replaced with something more like grief, and he starts to stagger toward you. You reach for him, and you can't help the smile that spreads across your face when he reaches back. Finally, this nightmare is over. Finally, finally, you-

Movement catches your eye. There's no time to shout before one of Stockman's hands reaches for the remote that's on the floor in front of him. He presses a button, and Raph screams, his hands coming up to clutch at the collar around his neck, and falls to his knees. 

“No!” You scramble toward the remote, pulling it easily from beneath Stockman's weak fingers. Blood has smeared across the buttons, and none of them seem to be labeled, and they all look the same - but Raphael is shrieking, making sounds you've never ever heard him make. You have to make it stop.

You press one at random. Nothing happens, so you press another, then another. The next one makes the screaming stop, and for a moment you think you've done it, but then every muscle in his body goes taut. He starts to convulse and falls onto his side, and now you're the one screaming. 

Small, aborted sounds spill from his lips, and horror threads itself among your veins. You can barely see through your tears, can barely press the buttons with how hard you're shaking, but finally, finally, you hit a button that makes everything go quiet and still. There's a series of clicks, a whirr and a hiss, and the collar breaks into pieces, tumbling onto the floor. 

You rush over, dropping the remote and cradling his head in your hands. “Raph? Raph?!” Clumsy fingers search for a pulse, but all you find is burnt flesh and pinpricks. “Raph, open your eyes. Raphael!” You grip his shoulders, shaking him desperately. Waiting for his eyes to open, for him to smile up at you and ask what all the fuss is about. You wait, and you wait, but he's. He's not. Moving. 

You shake your head, blinking hard. He's stronger than this. He can't be dead. You're just- just not capable of getting a pulse. Because of how thick his skin is. That's all. 

“Raph, I can’t carry you out of here. I need you to wake up, okay? So we can- so we can go home. Okay?”

He doesn't respond. You swallow, glancing toward Stockman. The man is deathly still, sprawled-

Ha. Deathly still. Because he's-

A hysterical laugh bubbles up and out of you, and you wince at the ache in your throat. You realize that you're breathing too quickly. Hyperventilating, the Donnie in your head corrects. Right. Thank you, Donnie. 

“Raph, I need you to wake up now,” you manage between breaths. “I need you to- to-” 

Your legs are starting to ache. They're cramped from sitting on the floor like this for so long. But you can't get up and stretch. Not when Raph is still-

“Raphie, I need you to wake up now. Please?” 

You need to stop crying. You're probably dehydrated, and this isn't helping. Raph never liked seeing you cry. It always made him sad, even if he didn't say it out loud. If you're still crying when he wakes up, he's- he's going to-

“Raph?”

You scrub your face with your forearm, trying and failing to take a deep breath. It hits you all at once, how much pain you're actually in. Your head. Your neck. Your chest. Even your muscles. Everything sort of just… aches. 

But it's okay, because when Raph takes you home he's going to patch you up. Just like you used to do for him, when he would stumble through your bedroom window with a busted lip or a cut on his leg. He'll take care of you, and you'll take care of him. 

“We need to go home so I can patch you up. Like old times,” you remind him, scratching gently along his shoulder. “Remember?”

He doesn't respond. 

“I should've told you back then. That I love you. I don't know why I didn't, I- I guess I was scared. But I'm telling you now, okay?”

He doesn't respond. 

“...Raph?”

Something in your chest gives way. A black hole of an emotion you can't name, because naming it would make it real. 

As if you have any say in it after the fact. It's real regardless of whether you call it by its name. Just like-

You close your eyes, covering your face with your hands. Your fingers brush against your forehead, and it hurts. Everything hurts. And you deserve every bit of it. You did this. It's your fault that he's-

“You love me?”

Everything stops. For a moment you swear even your pulse freezes in time, and then you raise your head to see Raph staring up at you, eyes soft and hazy and alive. Relief crashes over you like a tidal wave, all-consuming, and before you can think better of it you wrap your arms around his neck.

“Of course I do, you fucking asshole!” You pull back, holding his head in your hands and watching his expression switch from surprise to amused confusion. You probably seem like a total lunatic, but you don't even fucking care, because holy shit he's alive. 

You feel his hand pat your arm, and then he's sitting up as if you weren't mourning over his supposed fucking corpse less than a minute ago. You have a terrifying moment where you wonder if you're dreaming, but pinching yourself changes nothing, and you can count all your fingers, and honestly? If this is a dream, you don't want to wake up.

You focus back on him. He's pushing himself up, shaky and clumsy but alive, and when he holds out a hand to you, you take it immediately. The two of you walk past Stockman without a second glance, and by the time you make it outside the building Raph is steady on his feet and moving with purpose. 

Fresh air. The sounds of the city. A second wave of relief crashes over you, and never in your entire life have you felt this grateful. You look at Raph, unable to stop yourself from smiling when he looks back with those soft eyes. 

You see his gaze flicker down, then back up. His expression shifts into despair, his mouth opens, but before he can say anything you speak. 

“Take me home, Red.”

He looks almost surprised at that. Confused. Unsure. You'll need to address that - and several other things - later, when you've both been cleared by Donnie and you've gotten some food and rest. But for now, you pull him into a hug and repeat, “Take me home.”

After a moment's hesitation, he wraps his arms around you. You melt into the embrace, sighing. Then he lifts you, shifting you in his arms so that he can carry you, and holds you close against his plastron. 

“Yeah,” he murmurs, soft eyes on you. “Let's go home.”

-

tag list: @luckycharms1701 @thejudiciousneurotic @khayalli @justalotoffanfiction @thelaundrybitch @mxalmighty @shakeyourtrees @silverwatergalaxy

[nostalgebraist]

@oakfern replied to your post “it's going to be fun to watch the realization...”:

i feel like this is going to play out very similarly to voice assistants. there was a huge boom in ASR research, the products got a lot of hype, and they actually sold decently (at least alexa did). but 10 years on, they've been a massive failure, costing way more than they ever made back. even if ppl do think chatbot search engines are exciting and cool, it's not going to bring in more users or sell more products, and in the end it will just be a financial loss

​(Responding to this a week late)

I don't know much about the history of voice assistants. Are there any articles you recommend on the topic? Sounds interesting.

ETA: Iater, I found and read this article from Nov 2022, which reports that Alexa and co. still can't turn a profit after many years of trying.

But anyway, yeah... this is why I don't have a strong sense of how widespread/popular these "generative AI" products will be a year or two from now. Or even five years from now.

(Ten years from now? Maybe we can trust the verdict will be in at that point... but the tech landscape of 2033 is going to be so different from ours that the question "did 'generative AI' take off or not?" will no doubt sound quaint and irrelevant.)

Remember when self-driving cars were supposed to be right around the corner? Lots of people took this imminent self-driving future seriously.

And I looked at it, and thought "I don't get it, this problem seems way harder than people are giving it credit for. And these companies show no signs of having discovered some clever proprietary way forward." If people asked me about it, that's what I would say.

But even if I was sure that self-driving cars wouldn't arrive on schedule, that didn't give me much insight into the fate of "self-driving cars," the tech sector meme. It wasn't like there was some specific deadline, and when we crossed it everyone was going to look up and say "oh, I guess that didn't work, time to stop investing."

The influx of capital -- and everything downstream from it, the trusting news stories, the prominence of the "self-driving car future" in the public mind, the seriousness which it was talked about -- these things went on, heedless of anything except their own mysterious internal logic.

They went on until . . . what? The pandemic, probably? I actually still don't know.

Something definitely happened:

In 2018 analysts put the market value of Waymo LLC, then a subsidiary of Alphabet Inc., at $175 billion. Its most recent funding round gave the company an estimated valuation of $30 billion, roughly the same as Cruise. Aurora Innovation Inc., a startup co-founded by Chris Urmson, Google’s former autonomous-vehicle chief, has lost more than 85% since last year [i.e. 2021] and is now worth less than $3 billion. This September a leaked memo from Urmson summed up Aurora’s cash-flow struggles and suggested it might have to sell out to a larger company. Many of the industry’s most promising efforts have met the same fate in recent years, including Drive.ai, Voyage, Zoox, and Uber’s self-driving division. “Long term, I think we will have autonomous vehicles that you and I can buy,” says Mike Ramsey, an analyst at market researcher Gartner Inc. “But we’re going to be old.”

Whatever killed the "self-driving car" meme, though, it wasn't some newly definitive article of proof that the underlying ideas were flawed. The ideas never made sense in the first place. The phenomenon was not really about the ideas making sense.

Some investors -- with enough capital, between them, to exert noticable distortionary effects on entire business sectors -- decided that "self-driving cars" were, like, A Thing now. And so they were, for a number of years. Huge numbers of people worked very hard trying to make "self-driving cars" into a viable product. They were paid very well to do. Talent was diverted away from other projects, en masse, into this effort. This went on as long as the investors felt like sustaining it, and they were in no danger of running out of money.

Often the "tech sector" feels less like a product of free-market incentives than it does like a massive, weird, and opaque public works product, orchestrated by eccentrics like Masayoshi Son, and ultimately organized according to the aesthetic proclivities and changing moods of its architects, not for the purpose of "doing business" in the conventional sense.

Gig economy delivery apps (Uber Eats, Doordash, etc.) have been ubiquitous for years, and have reported huge losses in every one of those years.

This entertaining post from 2020 about "pizza arbitrage" asks:

Which brings us to the question - what is the point of all this? These platforms are all losing money. Just think of all the meetings and lines of code and phone calls to make all of these nefarious things happen which just continue to bleed money. Why go through all this trouble?

Grubhub just lost $33 million on $360 million of revenue in Q1.

Doordash reportedly lost an insane $450 million off $900 million in revenue in 2019 (which does make me wonder if my dream of a decentralized network of pizza arbitrageurs does exist).

Uber Eats is Uber's "most profitable division” 😂😂. Uber Eats lost $461 million in Q4 2019 off of revenue of $734 million. Sometimes I need to write this out to remind myself. Uber Eats spent $1.2 billion to make $734 million. In one quarter.

And now, in February 2023?

DoorDash's total orders grew 27% to 467 million in the fourth quarter. That beat Wall Street’s forecast of 459 million, according to analysts polled by FactSet. Fourth quarter revenue jumped 40% to $1.82 billion, also ahead of analysts’ forecast of $1.77 billion.

But profits remain elusive for the 10-year-old company. DoorDash said its net loss widened to $640 million, or $1.65 per share, in the fourth quarter as it expanded into new categories and integrated Wolt into its operations.

Do their investors really believe these companies are going somewhere, and just taking their time to get there? Or is this more like a subsidy? The lost money (a predictable loss in the long term) merely the price paid for a desired good -- for an intoxicating exercise of godlike power, for the chance to reshape reality to one's whims on a large scale -- collapsing the usual boundary between self and outside, dream and reality? "The gig economy is A Thing, now," you say, and wave your hand -- and so it is.

Some people would pay a lot of money to be a god, I would think.

Anyway, "generative AI" is A Thing now. It wasn't A Thing a year ago, but now it is. How long will it remain one? The best I can say is: as long as the gods are feeling it.

[studentbyday]

{ 05.11.24 } · { 50 days of routine } · { day 7 }

I was never “popular” at school. Not that I ever cared to be. I don't have the personality for it. And I don't really care to have the personality for it either. I'm not and never will be That Girl™ material, a “high-value woman”, or whatever feminine persona is trendy on TikTok these days (and i'm not even ON TikTok, but ofc the trends spread everywhere like wildfire) because I don't look the part (nor do I want to...i quite like my personal style) or think or speak or act the way she would if it goes against my values and/or it won't actually improve my wellbeing. I say I don't care. And I really truly don't because a lot of it and what it leads to is straight-up problematic for my personal case, running counter to the life I want to live and all my reasons why. But as with anything, being yourself has its pros and cons.

Sometimes I still feel like it's hard to truly belong anywhere...even the places I make for myself like this blog... Sometimes when I feel like this, I feel like the only place I most belong is in my head. It's not good. That's not where I need to be, nor do I need to be much concerned about trends on social media and what drives people to follow them. And I certainly don't need to compare myself to anyone else. I need to be in the real world and focused on my work only because I think it's worth it and because I think I'm worth it as I am.

I'm not sure why I felt like saying this.

~~~Friendly PSA: STOP 🖐🏻 scrolling social media of any kind when feeling low in self-esteem.~~~

got up at 7, continued filling in the CBT workbook then decided to move my answers elsewhere because the annotating feature in the ebook app is getting annoying, started my day at 8 with the usual minimalist morning routine

10/30 mins of the same beginner pilates workout i did a few days ago except i forgot to breathe and ended up so light-headed i couldn't go anymore...

filling in CBT workbook because i can't get the reflection questions out of my head until i answer them... 😣 so far, nothing new has been revealed to me, but in the busy-ness of the day-to-day, i tend to neglect ALL the other dimensions of my life and then forget that that's why i feel so shitty and the problem is the self-prompted reflection i tend to do at this time carries a lot of negativity and pessimism and comparison and judgment and it's not very organized, it's actually not organized at all, it's always just a word vomit. but when i do it now, with the tone of the categorized prompts not being judgy at all, i'm able to look at my problems more objectively and holistically and like "oh okay, i'm not doing as bad in this dimension as i thought and the REAL problem is this other dimension of life and all the specific things you mention are lacking here" and idk, sometimes i think it's weird that my brain works this way, it's like i was looking at the same picture the entire time and all i had to do was turn it a bit to the left for it to make sense. is this how brains normally work? 😅

finished last week's microbio module

researching for global health assignment...will begin writing tmr 😅👍

finished section 1/2 of last week's immunology module and started the loooong second section 🥴👍

🎧 some nights – fun.

@zzzzzestforlife tagged me to do this picrew! it was fun. and it's so coincidental that i've been thinking about ghosts lately! the past versions of us that we follow without question when they tell us what to do, what not to do, and what we should aspire for... ☁️ sometimes those ghosts are right...and sometimes they're just plain toxic.

tagging @whenmemoriesfrost @chemblrish @ecologie-txt @winryrockbellwannabe @obakanosandoitchi if you want to :)

[prof-ramses]

While I fully support the Golden Goose ship and am happy about how many people support it's functionality as well, one thing did catch my attention: no one really talks about why these two would like each other and why they are so perfect together. This aspect is simply taken for granted. It feels so right yet it's so hard to articulate WHY it works. So, maybe you'd use your writing talent to elaborate on that? :)

I've been pondering this for a while and I have indeed found it extremely hard to properly articulate.

If I had to narrow it down, though, I would say it's that they both have bombastic personalities, by nature and as a result of their lives up until this point.

Stella was only born to eventually become a wife and mother, and the man she was forced to marry fucked it all up for her. No one's ever valued Stella as just Stella, it's always been about some role.

Mammon, on the other hand, sees everything through the lens of value, meaning he already has a rather small dating pool. Not to mention the prospect of gold-diggers and centuries of being married to the job.

Their chemistry comes from the fact that Stella feels like someone whose presence Mam would enjoy and who he could trust to not just be after his wallet and actually be interested in him. While Mammon having fun with Stella and genuinely wanting to spend time with her would do wonders for her self-worth.

As I've said in an earlier post, they deserve better and they deserve it with each other. The very premises of their characters essentially entitle them to nuance that the writing denies them, and even then, they're both still awesome and rightfully popular in the fandom.

I would love to do a Golden Goose fic, but I've yet to make an ao3 account despite deciding to do so over 3 months ago. The earliest I could see myself finishing a hypothetical chapter 1 would be mid-to-late January, time is a bit tight for me at the moment.

[ceruleanwhore]

So now I'm psychoanalyzing Jin, I guess

WARNINGS: Spoilers and also TW for mentions of violence, murder, and suicide.

Ever since I started thinking about how maybe Jin isn’t actually the worst, maybe he’s just badly written, I’ve ended up kind of diving into psychoanalyzing him and now I think I can honestly say that I feel bad enough for him that I don’t dislike him anymore — he’s firmly in ‘poor little meow meow’ territory and I like pathetic men. But I just wanted to share some of that psychoanalysis here because I think y’all might appreciate it.

So I started with kinda inventorying his trauma and thinking through from what’s in the text what he would have lurking in his brain and, of course, there’s quite a lot. Growing up in abject poverty is traumatizing in and of itself, but he also had to watch his mom get sick and had to provide for them as best he could at a very young age since he couldn’t and, in the end, it wasn’t enough and she died. Then there’s the matter of learning the truth of who he is and who his father is and returning to the palace where he’d then stay and live among the same people who so violently hated his mother that they basically killed her, and then there’s Bloodstained Rose Day.

The thing with his parents, though, is that it isn’t just how he had to sit there and watch his parents fall apart and eventually die because of their doomed relationship, it’s also that day in and day out he gets to hear about how his parents never should have been together in the first place. It’s a sentiment that he internalizes so much that he makes Clause 99, and yet by saying that they never should have fallen in love, everyone is also saying that Jin never should’ve been born. Clause 99 is actually fucking depressing because it’s basically Jin saying that, if he could go back in time and prevent his parents from ever falling in love, he would, even though that would mean he wouldn’t exist. We also see this suicidal streak in Luke’s route with how his answer to that whole conflict is to just stand there and tell his brother to kill him.

I think this is largely fueled by guit, both in the case of the stuff with his parents and, more obviously, in the case of Layla’s death. I imagine that Jin might have felt responsible for his mother’s death since they were so poor and just by existing he required resources and could’ve felt like that contributed to her illness and death. There’s also the part where the king wouldn’t have spiraled the way he did if he never learned of her death from Jin and, especially since his mother did tell him to never go to the palace and he was disobeying her final request of him or whatever when he told the king the bad news, he probably blames himself for the late king’s decline. 

So what I’m seeing in terms of mental health is a bunch of PTSD and depression with passive suicidal ideation, but he doesn’t have the support system or tools to actually heal so he relies on unhealthy coping mechanisms, mainly alcohol and sex. I think that some of his biggest motivation is proving his value to himself and the people around him, like everything he does is more or less in an effort to somehow prove that his existence is worth it. It would probably be a massive internal conflict of guilt and self hatred vs. the desire to feel like, in spite of how things went for his parents, it was worth it for him to be born. We see in the story how hard he works and how valuable that work is as well as how he’s built relationships with his brothers and also takes the time and puts in the effort to get the people of Rhodolite to like him as well, and even goes so far as to try and help people from Obsidian too. 

I think the biggest example, though, is what he does in his route right after Emma arrives in the palace of forcefully inserting himself into her daily schedule by insisting on being her tutor. This annoyed me when I read it because it felt contradictory for Jin to do that after going to such lengths to avoid catching feelings and specifically trying to prevent any future Belles from falling in love with any future princes, and forced proximity is definitely bad for trying not to catch feelings for someone. However, if we think of it in this framework and consider it as a way he seeks to gain validation of his existence and worth, it makes sense because the very first thing he does is create a situation where she needs him to do exactly what he does. She passes Sariel’s test because all the questions were about what she saw when he was dragging her around town and shit but, more importantly, she then goes back to Jin and thanks him for his help and I think she even apologizes for resisting his intrusions, which is exactly the sort of validation I’m talking about.

I also think this seeking of validation is one of multiple contributing factors to his casual relationships with women. I believe it’s a combination of this desire for validation, a fear of commitment, self-soothing for all the trauma, and trying to ignore the part of him that does want the deeper intimacy of a real relationship by engaging in more casual physical intimacy. I also think that the narrative of Jin’s story takes all of those things and puts some combination of them in every interaction he has with Emma. He flirts with her when she first arrives because he wants to literally conquer his biggest fear and just fuck and dump her before he can catch feelings, he seeks validation by helping her, he goes to absurd lengths to create situations to allow himself to be around her while also trying to maintain distance to prevent feelings from developing. It all culminates in him admitting that he does want that deeper intimacy, overcoming that fear of commitment, and letting her in because he knows she’s a safe person who can give him that validation and help heal his trauma.

Now, I want to talk about Luke, Layla, and Bloodstained Rose Day. I think they tried to set up a parallel between Layla and Jin but never fully got there and the most we really get with that is how Luke is with interpersonal relationships and the part where these two are the only people he’s ever been close to. However, I do think it goes deeper than that because I think, if it were written better, Layla would be like a physical manifestation of Jin’s inner child. Just like how Layla was mortally wounded from the building collapsing and begged him to kill her in order to stop her pain, Jin’s inner child is still bleeding out somewhere inside him, begging for death just like her. I think that, when he pulled her out of that rubble and she was then bleeding out and asking him to kill her, he saw himself in her and slit her throat without hesitation, doing for her exactly what his inner child wishes he would do for himself. In the moment, I think it was more suicide than murder but then, after he did it, he then would’ve had this moment of realization that he just killed a child and that would begin the years of inner conflict about it and would contribute to stuff like his decision to make those graves.

So yeah, going through all of that psychoanalysis really helped me reach this conclusion that Jin doesn’t suck, he just isn’t written well and now I don’t hate him anymore, which is great. I just wish that the Ikemen games were better at handling their own characters because it fucking sucks that all of this and more is hidden in the text and they do nothing with it so he ends up coming across as an unlikeable dick. Especially since he is the first prince, I think it’s a real shame they did him so dirty when they had all the makings for a deep, complex, empathetic character.

[simlicious]

I am not posting much atm, here is why

heya, I'm pretty quiet on the posting front at the moment. This has several reasons. Since this might come across as a bit whiny, feel free to skip this personal ramble.

The good stuff first: I made a pact with my best friend and now we take a long walk together every week to increase our fitness levels. It encourages me to leave the house and get some fresh air and be in nature and it feels very good! We actually did a lot more together in the last months than just the walk, so I am quite busy and also often exhausted from the activity. I have also gotten back into Anno 1800 now that the game has reached its final state, and I am fixing some old mods that are not available anymore but I cannot live without, and I am also working on some of my own mods. The reason why I am taking a break from making patterns has mainly to do with the negative feelings I developed in the last months. I have been putting off writing this post for weeks, but my feelings have not gone away and I want to address this particular issue. Tbh, I often get aggravated when viewing my dash these days. I'm not the most emotionally stable person and my self-worth comes also from external sources, like feedback for my patterns, which is not ideal, but it is what it is right now. Lately, I feel that as a creator of recolorable patterns, I am being pushed deep into a corner. I've always considered myself a niche creator, catering to patterns kinda does that! But I feel like I am becoming obsolete, now that a lot of creators only make Sims 4 conversions and are usually not fully recolorable. I also fear that more and more creators will forget/will never learn how to make clothes and objects recolorable if all they do is add non-recolorable Sims 4 presets. I consider the Create-A-Style tool to be the most important feature of TS3 (together with open worlds). It is such a unique feature, and it breaks my heart to see that not being valued as such. I feel like we should celebrate that, and I try to with my patterns, but it's just so hard to keep it up when most creators do not seem to particularly care anymore. I wish more creators would make the good old Frankenmeshes 😥 I would love to see more ts3 and ts4 frankenmesh mashups. Creators would need to learn how to turn Sims 4 textures into greyscale ones and step up their uv-mapping game a bit, and then it could be a thing... There could even be an open library of recolorable sims 4 textures and remapped meshes that all creators could contribute to. That way, creators could use them and would not need to remake every texture from scratch by themselves. Over time, that would greatly decrease the effort that would need to be put in to make new creations this way... I know that most of you follow me because you really value my patterns and use them in your games, and I know that people who play mainly with vanilla content won't have that problem at all, as 99% the EA stuff can be recolored. But it's just that I see those non-recolorable conversions everywhere on my dash, and it is so disheartening. I guess as a creator, I want to feel welcome in the TS3 creator community, and lately, I do not feel particularly seen or valued as a member of that group. Maybe my Tumblr bubble has shoved me somewhat outside of the group that I would feel more valued in? Maybe I need to adjust my dash. But I do not want to unfollow everyone who posts these conversions. They are nice in their own right, it's just that I can't handle them very well right now. How do you deal with stuff that you do not want to see? do you unfollow people, do you block tags? I've been mostly avoiding my dash, but that does not seem like a good solution. If you post gameplay pics with my patterns or are a creator that makes their stuff CAS-Tool compatible, feel free to tell me below so I can follow you. Just seeing more people use my patterns would probably lift my spirits!

[starsinkpop]

ATEEZ Jung Wooyoung Tarot Reading - Future Spouse

Disclaimer: I do tarot readings for fun, so please read them with a grain of salt. Don’t take my words too seriously and just keep an open mind. Tarot is a divination tool that can’t predict the future, as every single individual has their own will and makes their own decisions. Tarot should be seen as a guidance and a good friend that just has your best interest and gives you advice when needed. I’m not putting anyone in my readings on a pedestal nor am I trying to harm anyone. One last side note, I’m not a native speaker, so please excuse any wrong spellings or poor grammar.

Date of Reading: October 22th 2023

Decks: Ethereal Visions Tarot, Dreamscape Oracle, Romance Angel Oracle, Love Oracle, island time wellness love Oracle, Angel Answers Oracle Cards

VI The Lovers, XVIII The Star (R), XII The Hanged Man, Ace of Wands, XXII The Well (R), Two of Cups (R)

I’m getting the energy of a very sweet but kinda broken soul here

they’re very pleasant to be around, others make wonderful memories with them

people like them a lot I think

Wooyoung and his fs don’t have a past together, as in like spending their childhoods together or something like that, this is a new and unexpected connection

this is someone who has a hard time letting go of the past

they could be a pisces or have pisces placements in their chart

I’m getting a very dreamy and soft energy

Wooyoung and them are complementing each other

they balance each other out

this person is kinda hard to trigger, they have a very strong self control and it’ll take a long time for them to actually lose patience and explode, but people shouldn’t test their patience

they could be a late bloomer, Wooyoung could be their first real romantic relationship

that doesn’t mean they’re inexperienced

I see this more like they know their values and worth and just don’t settle for anyone less and kinda “sort” people out before they could cause damage

they just never seemed to have been a serious relationship

so they’re basically just dreaming about the perfect relationship for them

but when they meet Wooyoung it’s like he’s hitting every box

and they would feel actually safe to allow that romance coming it

they love to flirt tho and people actually easily catch feelings for them

but they just flirt for funsies and don’t even realize they’re making so many hearts race

in general they seem to be very playful and funny

they’re very lucky, like the worst situations seem to always turn into something positive for them

success is always on their side as well

they could be rich and financially independent or just have a good income that allows them to enjoy life on a regular base - no financial struggles

could also work towards financial independence

I think in this relationship everything happens fast, they gonna meet for the first time and shortly after that will be officially together, move in together quite early, get engaged after just a few months

it’s like Wooyoung and his fs can’t wait to spend their lives together

they have a very strong connection from the very first time they meet

there’s some indications that in this connection one will unexpectedly reveal their feelings and kinda sweep the other one of their feet

it honestly feels more like Wooyoung’s energy, he’s probably the one who would tell them right away he likes them and tell them about his intentions

I normally don’t channel songs but I’m hearing Post Malone’s “I like you” (and have to think about the iconic Woo fancam lol), maybe that song is significant

the person is very protective of their private life and loved ones, I don’t think they’re in the public light

they could be in constant transformation, always changing something about their life or looks as they could get bored easily

they really hate monotony and routines

if their life is stagnant they destruct and end things without hesitation

sometimes they kinda doubt themself, even see themself as a failure as they don’t seem to go for their dreams. Something is holding them back

I’m having a bit of a hard time to exactly get what’s happening here, but it’s like they have a lot of dreams but always seem to give up on them as soon as there’s one draw back

but because of that they’re also getting new insights and create new opportunities for themself, kinda constantly challenging themself

they need that in some type a way, as they seem to have a very fast working mind and don’t want to waste time on situations, dreams, and ideas that maybe won’t work out

they would sacrifice themself and their own needs for the ones they love the most

they rather live in pain to see their loved ones in happiness than seeing them suffer

big empath, they want to take the pain away from the ones they cherish the most

they’re also always kinda suspicious of others and could take a bit longer to open up to them, if they ever open up

Wooyoung’s fs is also very creative and always have new ideas running through their mind

they could be into photography

this is someone who is very passionate and has a pretty high libido

for some looks, I think they could have blonde hair or just a quite light hair color

red could be their favorite color or just generally be very significant in their life, like they have a red car or something like that

Love,

~Nicky 🫧

Masterlist

[inamindfarfaraway]

I can’t believe I’m posting about Sonic Underground, but this is the Cringe App, so here are some random thoughts and headcanons:

Sonia has super strength parallel to Sonic’s super speed (Manic has no innate power, because life isn’t fair) and that should have been explored more. Like, outside of battle. Imagine all the training Lady Windimere must have put her through to act ladylike and demure and not accidentally break all the fragile expensive things around her. She casually carries her brothers and Bartleby all the time. Sometimes she squeezes them a little too hard when she hugs them. She reunites with Bartleby after a rough mission and effortlessly picks him, spins him around and throws him high into the air. She can arm-wrestle Knuckles as an equal. Someone else is working on a heavy robot or vehicle or something and Sonia is propping or holding it up for them. The van breaks down in a place they can’t stay in and she just sighs, tells her brothers to take out and carry everything they can, lifts the van over her head and starts walking. She grabs the scruff of Sonic’s neck with her fingers when he tries to run away to do something stupid and he runs in place, extremely annoyed. A very exasperated Cyrus tells her that she needs to stop hitting the door buttons so hard when she dramatically leaves after an argument (thank God the doors don’t have hinges to be ripped off of), because they can’t keep installing new ones. First Sonic wearing away the floors and heating the metal so much it could melt people’s shoes, now this? He does have a favourite triplet and it’s Manic. This isn’t the only reason, but it’s a big one.

Seriously, why didn’t the show remark more on how Manic doesn’t have a power? I guess his instrument giving him earth manipulation while the others just get lasers kinda makes up for it. Maybe super genes run in the royal family recessively. With all the stock episode plots they did, you’d think there’d be one where he felt inferior to his siblings for this reason and reaffirmed his worth by saving the day and rescuing them when they were both captured.

There really should have been a body swap episode. Here’s my pitch: tensions are running high between the siblings as they clash over their respective flaws and insecurities, when some magical shenanigans that tie into whatever Robotnik’s plan is switch their consciousnesses around. Sonic is in Manic’s body, Manic in Sonia’s and Sonia in Sonic's. Now, Sonia has been stressed lately feeling pressured to be the mature, responsible one and, with so much steam to let off, finds herself slipping into Sonic’s recklessness, impulsivity and cockiness. She can literally outrun all her problems… or so she thinks. The speed is liberating and intoxicating. Meanwhile, Manic, who was giving her shit at the start, realizes how much restraint Sonia needs to exercise to not cause more trouble than she fixes with her strength and that, while it definitely makes some things easier, having a superpower isn’t a cure-all and requires rules in itself. He gains a greater respect and appreciation for her, which enables him to remind her of the value of responsibility and caution when she runs off the deep end. Sonic absolutely hates not having any extraordinary abilities. At first his siblings think he’s just cranky because he can’t do awesome tricks anymore and has to have a normal person’s amount of patience. Averse to vulnerability as he is, he pretends that that’s the extent of it; but as his complaints shift from whining to self-abuse, it turns out that he can’t stand feeling this helpless. He’s never been this incapable before. It hurts. It takes him right back to the worst moments of his life, when he wasn’t fast enough to save his parents and uncle. Now he isn’t fast enough to save anyone. Keeping the cycle of empathy going after Manic talks her down, Sonia reflects on how amazing her new speed feels and what having had that power her whole life might have done to her self-esteem. She tells Sonic that his speed and usefulness don’t define him or his worth, and it’s okay to fail, need to go slow, make mistakes and have things that are just beyond you. Everyone does. She’s made some big mistakes herself just that day! What matters is the strengths you do have and how you use them. He’s done so much good, for all his flaws, and she and Manic love every part of him. Inspired, Sonic ultimately defeats Robotnik using his intelligence and leadership skills, with both his siblings using their new powers effectively and wisely to make the plan work. Once they switch back, they get in a similar unfortunate situation to the one that pushed their stress to the tipping point in the beginning, only now they take it in stride and deal with it together. Who am I kidding, the show wouldn’t have gone into that much character analysis and emotional depth. That’s why we need fanfiction.

Sonia has had a five-star privileged education; however, she must also unlearn all Robotnik’s propaganda and lies. Sonic has had a less thorough education, but presumably still a pretty good one and without any of the propaganda from moving in with Uncle Chuck onward. Manic has never been to school a day in his life. Think of the comedy you could get out of this arrangement. But also, is Manic illiterate? His reading and writing are probably significantly poorer than the others’, right? I headcanon he’s secretly insecure about his lack of formal education and occasionally teases Sonia for her “nerdy” advanced knowledge and makes fun of her when she doesn’t know something, in an effort to bring her down to his level.

Uncle Chuck is the triplets’ father’s brother, not of royal blood. My headcanon is that after Robotnik killed the king during the takeover, he agreed to go into hiding and cut ties with Aleena. He didn’t plan to have a role in her children’s lives until the Time arrived, but he wound up near enough Sonic’s home to visit and couldn’t stay away. He fondly told Sonic a great deal about life before Robotnik ruined everything and his birth parents, carefully omitting that they were the king and queen of course.

Sonic and Manic love to hear Mindy and Bartleby’s stories about Sonia before they met her. Though they are sad that the people who could tell such stories about them are all roboticized, so unless until a deroboticizer is invented there are parts of their early lives they don’t remember or fully understand that can simply never be told. In general, seeing Sonia with her old friends makes them feel Big Feelings. They’re glad one of them still has people from before in their life, but… it stings.

Where? Was the triplets’ grief?? Over their parents and guardians??? Where were the bonding moments about it? Where were the reminiscing scenes and Sonic explaining how he lost his old family twice and had to watch the first time? Where were the dramatic, heartwrenching confrontations with the roboticized guardians? FANFICS I NEED YOU

Manic likes to tinker with machinery when he’s bored, anxious, frustrated, guilty or even excited. Basically, he reaches a significant intensity of emotion and gets out the tools. He’s a fidgeter in general and always doing something with his hands - why do you think Farrell supported his impractical, attention-drawing hobby of drumming? A deroboticizor is a top priority ongoing project in the Resistance and if he’s in a really bad mental state, especially if he’s missing his dad, he can probably be found working tirelessly on one of the prototypes. Sleep, hunger, other people, the passage of time all mean nothing to him in that state. Sonic is the best at snapping him out of it because swap engineering with running and vigilantism and he essentially has the same coping mechanism, so he gets it in a way Sonia can’t. However, the sign that the hyperactive brothers are completely crushed and hopeless is that they lose their energy and motivation. If they’re notably still, slow and restrained in movement, they are Not Okay.

Sonia’s contrasting coping mechanism is to distract herself and her support system from her feelings with others’ business. That can manifest as criticizing someone else (constructively or destructively), wanting details on some aspect of their life, stoking drama and gossiping about them, or trying to fix their problems and/or make them open up about their issues. The last one is increasingly common since embarking on her character development. She’s always been a social butterfly and was a duck in water in the social perception, awareness and shrewdness-centric culture of the upper class; genuinely loves using those skills to help people so this is still in character on a good day; and is so at best charismatic and at worst overbearing that she can easily make you worry more about whatever she’s latched onto as a diversion, whether you agree with her stance on it or not. It takes a trained eye to catch when she’s actually neglecting herself. An indicator is that if her drive is the subconscious desire to avoid confronting her own feelings, she’ll be or become over time less tactful, patient and respectful of boundaries than usual, or resort to pettier topics in her desperation. Her brothers are the best at telling these behaviours apart from her healthy altruism and harmless theatrics and making her talk.

The medallions are royal family heirlooms. The rare, potent magical crystal they were carved from was a primary resource of Mobotropolis and the reason the capital was built there, their clean energy used for rapid magical/technological advancement that brought huge prosperity to Mobius, hence the paradise it was pre-Robotnik. Shards of them were incorporated in many royal regalia pieces. Through past political upheavals, disasters and thefts, most of the ornamental fragments have been lost. The medallions were made relatively recently to celebrate the dawn of a new golden age of art and culture; music was a key part of Mobian culture, so it was symbolically very fitting to give the rulers and protectors of the people instruments and weapons in one. It represented the ideal that they should give as much as they were able to take - even if they took up arms, they would at the same time have to preserve the life and spirit of Mobius through playing music. Hopefully that would tether them to their conscience. Plus, what’s more gloriously badass for a monarch than defeating your enemy by playing a rock cover of your national anthem? Robotnik’s relentless mining extracted the last of this precious resource years ago. He forgot the sustainable methods his predecessors used to harness the magic indefinitely because he can’t be bothered to understand magic, so he’s exhausted the power of every existing piece of the crystal besides the three medallions that have remained out of his grasp. He keeps trying to synthesize it, but you can’t synthesize ✨magic.✨ The sudden decline and loss of a longstanding reliable power source has made everyone reliant on Robotnik’s dirty energy. When the royal family retake their thrones, the medallions can either be given up and used to power Mobius or the very similar Chaos Emeralds used instead upon relearning the magic crystal energy harnessing techniques. Wouldn’t it be cool if discovering the Chaos Emeralds or recovering them from Robotnik was what turned the tide of the war? Sonic, Manic and Sonia going super and defeating Robotnik once and for all? Yes, yes it would.

Sonia is the oldest. Manic is the youngest. Sonic, as in the movies, is the middle child. Sonic and Sonia believe their birth order is important and she will never stop lording it over him, since before they got ahold of their birth certificates he’d assumed he was the oldest. Manic doesn’t care and wishes they would drop it.

Having been eager to help his uncle around the house and then needing to pull his weight in the Resistance, Sonic is a reliably good cook. He likes to learn more whenever he has the resources and time to experiment. Manic had no technical skills initially, not having had a kitchen and all, but is learning quickly under Sonic’s tutelage and has the sheer ingenuity to make a meal out of pretty much anything. Sonia can’t cook for shit. Sonic won’t give up on trying to teach her… but he’s certainly been tempted.

Sonic is afraid of fire due to the trauma of watching his old home burn down when he lost his parents (I put him at eight at the time, like Batman, and so he spends an almost equal number of years with his adoptive family and Uncle Chuck if he’s fifteen in the show). The smell of Sonia burning toast is enough to trigger flashbacks. Once Robotnik trapped the siblings in a burning building and he just froze, overwhelmed with terror; Sonia had to carry him to safety like a firefighter.

Follow-up with Tails.

[nexstage]

Something that got me curious about the whole deal Zuko and Iroh have with the concept of destiny is how ingrained in their minds it is concerning stuff that they believe must be theirs at any cost or it is theirs from the start because they feel it or say so despite the evidence against such sentiment or how questionable it is. And that got me wondering: what if it was a family thing? And well, I rewatched a fragment of The Avatar and the Firelord episode because I wanted to know if this destiny stuff had started during the several years before Sozin and Roku met each other again. Guess what? It did happen during that time or that is what Sozin’s dialogue implied: “I've been thinking hard about the state of the world lately.” Lately as in the several years before Roku’s return? Or lately as in the time it took Roku to ask Ta Min to marry him until the talk they had during the wedding party? Anyway, Sozin had been thinking and that’s where “destiny” comes into play: “Right from the start, I was destined to be Fire Lord. And although we didn't always know it, you were destined to be the Avatar. It's an amazing stroke of fate we know each other so well, isn't it?”

With that mentality, Sozin believed it was also destiny to expand the Fire Nation, to “share their prosperity with the world” and that both best friends had this great future handed to them until Roku refused to be part on his delusions of power.

Other thing that is interesting is that even when Sozin had been thinking lately about such destiny, maybe there was an external influence that pushed him toward it, like his father’s teachings or words, or the greatness of former Fire Lords and what they had accomplished to make him believe world domination was his “destiny call” to make history.

Still, this context is super intriguing because it puts more weight into this mindset that we’ve seen on Zuko and Iroh. It’s not just reaching the top and make your mark on the world, it’s also like a family tradition. Though, while it was both of them for Iroh, for Zuko, destiny was tied to his self-worth too. Beyond the typical entitlement of a prince, there was also this high value his father had put on concepts like power, strength, dominance that were deeply connected to being a ruler, to be on the throne, and concerning the throne, that was also on a high pedestal. Heck, Ozai even created a new throne by naming himself the Phoenix King because he believed that was his destiny. So, when Zuko was stripped from his title and banished, his destiny AKA the throne, was taken away from him. No destiny means you were worthless or you screwed up so big you didn’t deserve to be close to what you have been told should be yours as long as you showed your power.

The same happens with the concept of honor, Zuko thought he was trying to restore it but in the end chasing Aang was just to please Ozai and get his love and approval. Honor and destiny are tied to his self-worth and this imaginary path he had paved in his head: getting his honor back means he finally did something right and he’s not a failure anymore, fulfilling his destiny means he has reached his true potential and is not a worthless excuse of a prince but someone worthy of the throne that is the embodiment of that potential.

The problem is that this attachment is not only unhealthy but also dangerous. Nor the show or the comics push Zuko to understand and come terms to with the fact that the throne is his not because of destiny but because of how the family inheritance structure works: if you are the firstborn, you will rule, if you aren’t, you won’t. And in very rare ocasions, if there were in ancient times, if the firstborn died on birth or childhood, another baby would have to take their place. Oh, but let’s not forget that he wasn’t even on the list, it was Lu Ten until he died on the Siege of Ba Sing Se and then Ozai schemed against Iroh and killed his own father to steal Iroh’s birthright, so Zuko’s case can be categorized as a special one of brother’s treachery and power usurpation.

Besides, by putting so much focus on destiny as this grand treasure that “he oh-so-rightfully deserves” it takes away the real struggles he had to endure to make sure the country is ruled appropriately. Sure, he was shown determined to restore the world with Aang after the war as a Fire Lord, but the comics have made him regressed a lot on character development making him incredibly entitled, abrasive, harsh, making poor decisions in politics, and arrogant by talking about how the throne is his and that’s law, blah, blah, blah. Though, to be a bit positive about how the comics portrayed Zuko, I have to say that they make him look like an ATLA version of Democles.

Have you ever heard of Sword of Democles story? He and the king, Dyonisius, swapped places and Democles starts enjoying the luxury and glamour of a king’s life, thinking that royalty is only that. He couldn’t have been more wrong because above the throne was a sword hanging by a single hair of a horse’s tail to depict the crude reality of being a king: facing multiple enemies and dangers that could eliminate him to take his throne.

Did Zuko have a sword hanging over his throne by a single hair? Technically, no. And symbolically, the comics made sure he was untouchable or that he got out of any trouble without confronting him with hard questions and realities in regards of always thinking the throne is his destiny instead of a duty based on loyalty to his people or how warped his sense of worth is by tying it to power. And honestly, with all the backlash I’ve read toward the comics, I doubt Zuko will be faced with such challenges.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Dear mbti-notes, Thank you for your blog 💜 I hope you enjoyed your holidays. I'm infp, 16 years old and female, who has low-self esteem and feels dissatisfied with life.

My main problem is that I've been skipping school for multiple days because I stay up late, worried if I'm missing out on social media or how I'm going to mask myself the next day. I'm constantly chasing after the satisfaction of completing personal projects online. The 'high' of it and validation from social media is what attaches me to it. Only sharing art I'm proud of. Only sharing idealized surface level tidbits about myself to my classmates. I'm basically pretending to be someone I'm not both online and offline, and so I dig myself into a hole of preventing myself from relaxing or experimenting with my self-expression. I want to grow and learn to be myself, but I'm afraid of feeling exposed.

I crave meaning in my life instead of chasing after something out of my control. I want to finally feel at ease and sleep for my own health. Maybe there's a healthier way to share my artwork and collaborate with other artists? What guidance or advice would you have? I'd like to learn from your wisdom. Best regards, Anon.

-------------------

Wasting mental resources on social media has become a rather widespread problem, so you're not alone. Sharing of yourself in a public forum often means you're socializing in a chaotic and indiscriminate manner, which unfortunately sets you up to live at the mercy of external stimuli. Your social behaviors become more and more automatic as you keep reinforcing the same validating reward patterns over time. Eventually, your attention, energy, time, self-esteem, and self-worth slip out of your hands. It's hard to feel good about yourself once you've crossed the line from enjoyment into powerlessness.

I use terms like "stimuli", "reinforce", and "automatic" for a reason; they come from a particular branch of psychology called behaviorism. Many people still don't know that tech companies spend money on behavioral science, even recruiting psychologists to their projects. Behavioralists approach human behavior as "programmable", in the same vein that Pavlov trained his dogs to salivate at the sound of a bell. Social media companies invented "bells" to make you feel good (engaged), to make you feel bad (reactive), and to keep you running back to them regularly for instant gratification (addicted).

The difference between Pavlov's dog and you is that the dog begins and ends under the control of its owner and thus has no choice but to learn the automatic behavior, whereas you gave up your free will to become an automaton. When your mind has been reduced to such a primitive state of chasing base desires on an endless loop, your intellectual faculties wither from disuse, and your soul eventually feels starved of meaning. Worst case, one becomes a dull and empty shell of a human being.

"I crave meaning in my life instead of chasing after something out of my control." The word "crave" is significant. Humans need a sense of agency and autonomy. Humans need a sense of social belonging. Humans need intimate and loving relationships. Humans need to occupy themselves with meaningful activities. The issue is whether you know the right methods of fulfilling your needs.

Choosing the wrong methods is one major reason people feel that life lacks meaning. When important human needs go unfulfilled for too long, they morph into desperate and seemingly irrational "longings", "desires", and "cravings" that lead people to choose worse and worse methods in a vicious cycle. Just think of how poorly your rational mind works when you get too hungry; food becomes the only thing you can think about and you're liable to grab anything and put it in your mouth without any regard for its nutritional value. The same goes for psychological, social, and spiritual needs.

A need is legitimate, universal to all humans, and must be satisfied in order to live a healthy and fulfilling life. A want is a method of fulfilling a need, but wants are not always legitimate. A want is legitimate if it is a positive and constructive way of obtaining what you need. A want is illegitimate when it leads you to destruction or to harm yourself/others, which, in the end, actually prevents you from obtaining what you need. Skipping school and sabotaging your own future is a good example of destructive behavior. If a want is determined to be illegitimate, then you must find a better method, if you care about your well-being. People who confuse needs and wants often end up chasing the wrong things in life and/or feeling inexplicably unsatisfied whenever they get what they want.

Why have humans proven so easy to manipulate? Because:

many people lack the self-awareness to understand their own needs and wants, and

they were never taught the right methods of fulfilling them.

Companies wanting to profit off you will try to find the most effective way to trigger a sense of privation in you, to bring up an unmet need, and then manufacture a "desire" or "craving" for a product that supposedly meets that need. The more desperate your feeling of privation is, the faster you'll run and the more you'll pay (not just in money) for whatever they're selling.

Therefore, inoculating yourself against such manipulation involves:

improving your self-awareness so that you fully own your needs instead of ceding control of them to others, and

learning healthy methods to attend to your needs so that you aren't easily taken in by harmful quick-fixes or false remedies.

"Maybe there's a healthier way to share my artwork and collaborate with other artists?" This is the right question to ask. If you develop Ne properly, you'll understand that there's almost always a better way of doing things. You don't have to live life always reaching for the stars, but at the very least, you should know to be proactive and seek a better way when the current way is harming you.

Let's examine two needs at play in your situation:

1) The Need for a Healthy Social Life: Why do you think that, in the age of social media, society is grappling with an epidemic of loneliness? When people feel lonely, their desire for social connection grows louder and louder. Suffer loneliness for too long and people start to get desperate and settle for whatever social contact they can get. Social media makes it very easy to get social contact... but it's like eating leftover scraps when you could be feasting on wagyu.

In terms of personal growth, the easy way isn't usually the right way. Sure, subsisting on scraps helps ease the hunger to socialize, but it's no way to live in the long term. For life to feel meaningful and fulfilling, one cannot only survive, one must also flourish. To flourish includes living up to your potential and living your life with purpose.

While there's nothing inherently wrong with having online friends, people who only have online friends tend to report dissatisfaction with social life. The fact of the matter is that online friends should not be used as a substitute for real-life relationships. Online friends should only be used to complement an existing social support network or used as a convenient gateway into a new real-life friendship. Online friendships are simply missing too many key ingredients that are needed for meaningful relationship.

There are tried-and-true ways of: improving friendships, making new friends, and building a strong social support network. E.g. Spend more quality time with old friends but perhaps in new situations that allow you to get to know each other even better. Extend your network by getting to know friends of family or friends of friends. Take a class or join a group of people with similar interests. Get more involved in your local community or volunteer. Take more initiative to organize get-togethers, invite people out, or lead a group activity.

Socializing is a legitimate need, so you should allot time for it. However, time is a finite resource, which means use it wisely. Do you want to spend most of your time collecting scraps online, socializing with undiscerning people and getting less than satisfying results? Or do you want to socialize in a more purposeful way, setting the right goals, targeting the right people, and getting more satisfying results? The choice is yours.

2) The Need for Personal and/or Professional Development: You are using art as a way to develop your potential and perhaps develop a professional skill. Good learning is something that can only happen under the right conditions, so the issue is whether you have set up the right learning conditions for yourself. Is soliciting (at times ignorant) feedback from people who only care about you to the extent that you can entertain them the best way to learn and improve? As long as you feel like you're being rewarded for putting on a show, won't learning always take a back seat to ego?

Would you be better off embedding yourself in a group of art enthusiasts, devotees, and experts who have real-life knowledge and experience of the art world? Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, even the smallest towns have artsy people floating around, perhaps there are a few you don't yet know in your school. Forming close, real-life friendships with them would be more rewarding and also more likely to get you that safe and nurturing environment you need for freely exploring your talents, wouldn't it? It's just one idea. I'm sure you can come up with more ideas through assessing all the resources available to you.

Sixteen is usually the time when teens start really venturing out into the world to explore their options. You need to get out into the world and challenge yourself more in order to grow your self-esteem. Don't limit yourself by becoming overdependent on social media scraps for cheap validation.

**

Inferior Te means that Fi doms often don't place enough value on goal-oriented behavior, and as a result, their behavior is often inefficient and ineffective. It's fine to want to explore and enjoy some fun moments online, but exploration should eventually be leading you somewhere positive, good, real, and meaningful. And if you already have some idea of where you want to go, the key is to choose the right path for getting there, even if it's the harder path. It sounds like you have a problem of too often choosing the easier path.

If you're like other INFPs, you easily get swept up by your feelings and it causes you to perceive situations in a distorted way, unable to objectively weigh the pros and cons, which leads to miscalculating the consequences of your behavior. If your behavior keeps getting negative consequences, it's an important sign that you're not caring well for yourself - it's a call to change your behavior. Fi can't feel at ease as long as you're acting against your own well-being. It's good that you have some idea about what your needs are and you're trying to respond to them, the crucial step is to put more careful thought into choosing healthy methods.

[bthump]

i've been thinking about this a lot lately, and since you ship these characters, this is a good place to make this question. (also, feel free to link me to it if you already answered something like this!)

when griffith said that guts was the only one who made him forget his dream, do you think he could potentially put it aside to be at guts' side, or am i just thinking too much?

i actually tried to see that with my gay switch turned off, but it automatically turns on when i see stuff like this. i mean, is there even a way to see it in a non-romantic way? his dream was the most important thing and then… guts.

i really hope that griffith somehow says these exact same words at guts' face in the future before he dies/if he dies, just for the sake of the tragic gay ending.

Thanks for the ask!

Yeah I think it's like, hard canon that he values Guts over his dream. We see it when he risks his life (and consequently the dream) to save Guts' life multiple times, when he throws the dream away after Guts leaves (and that's exactly how it's framed in the scene with the King in the torture chamber), and when Griffith directly thinks about how "Now as he shines so glaring within me... the junk grows dull."

I think he definitely had the potential to put it aside to be with Guts, though I don't think he necessarily would unless circumstances forced him to choose. In an AU where Guts never left there's no real reason he couldn't have his cake and eat it too lol. But yeah given the choice between Guts and his dream, he'd choose Guts as he did over and over again during the Golden Age. Even when he finally chose his dream for good during the Eclipse, it was specifically because Guts is more important than the dream. If anything the Eclipse was as much to escape Guts' hold over him as it was to pursue the dream.

Though I do think that in an AU where Griff becomes king the mundane way and Guts stays with him and they like, have a secret relationship for a few years, Griffith would inevitably chill out enough about the dream that it would stop mattering so much and he would no longer be motivated by guilt and the need to make thousands of deaths meaningful by creating a utopian society. I see it as a subconscious organic process, like slowly but surely Griffith just grows more emotionally healthy due to being more emotionally open and having positive relationships with people, especially Guts, who he can rely on to mitigate his self-loathing, yk? So in that sense I think that Griffith could put aside the dream for Guts eventually, just by not irrationally prioritizing it above everything else.

And yeah it's homoerotic as hell lol, I can't see a non-romantic explanation either. I sometimes pay lipservice to the idea that it could be platonic affection, but let's be real, not only is it love, it's practically love at first sight. It's not just Guts becoming his first True Friend whose opinion he respects and who can be an external source of validation that helps make him less emotionally reliant on his dream, because Griffith risked it all like a week after meeting him lol. Guts was the first and only person Griffith ever asked to join the Hawks, and Casca even has a little angry internal monologue about how Griffith has never spoken to anyone else the way he speaks to Guts when he says he wants him.

Also especially after seeing some more of Miura's translated interview excerpts I figure there's like, no way the homoeroticism was accidental.

And oof that would be a painful, but satisfying final exchange between them, nice.

(Some of what I said here kinda relates to a specific reading of Griffith and the dream I have, which I explain at great length here lol. Basically the idea that he's driven to achieve it because of guilt and a lack of intrinsic self-worth, and that Guts replaces the dream as his source of validation. So yeah if you want an explanation for that, voila.)

[bubbleonice]

Love, life and career - Cillian Murphy

For this reading I decided to do a special tarot spread. 2 cards for the lovelife, 2 cards for his current life and 2 cards for his career. And at last 1 card for summary. For this I will be using my usual tarot deck.

Love life:

7 of cups reversed and queen of wands: the carefree face of his relationship is history, and he is now starting to think about where his relationship is going, and what he wants from it. He might be feeling trapped lately, avoiding certain issues in the relationship. The clarity is much needed to take stock of things that might be disrupting his marriage lately. After a hard time, when issues are taken care of, things will get better though. The Queen of Wands' strong feminine energy signifies that his relationship will undergo a period of intense passion and romance. He and his wife will feel more loved by each other than at any time before.

Current life in general:

5 of swords and 10 of wands reversed: The Five of Swords is generally not a good omen because it might signify failure, change, surrender, and walking away. From the Suit of Swords, this tarot card shows self-sabotage, shady behaviour, deception, and poor communication. Intense conflict, tension, and a lack of communication can also be represented by it. This might be assosicated to his love life and the issues he has been dealing with or will be dealing with.

5 of swords indicates that he is engaging in a conflict of some nature. It can also suggest a disagreement with others, which leads to hostility and tension. Despite the fact that he thinks he has won, he might still lose in the big picture, because he has annoyed or hurt those that he has argued with, and as a result, he is on the road to isolating himself. Perhaps, at the moment, he believed that it was more important to be right rather than appreciate and understand where the other side was coming from.

Right now, it's important to attempt to pick up the pieces. He still has the chance to act while the conflict is still fresh. He may feel as if everyone and everything is against him. He might also lose some friends along the way. This is why he will need to make a significant decision about his point of view. What is more important to him? Mutual progress, or winning? This might require him to stand up to a conflict within himself.

The ten of wands in the reversed position indicate that he is doing everything by himself even if it's too much for him. He wants to fulfil all his duties and please everyone, but doing everything by himself is taking a toll on him. it also indicates that he is truly burdened by circumstances which are not necessary in his life. Anything that does not add value in his life is not worth his time, so he should let it go.

Career:

The magician reversed and the page of wands reversed:

He is full of skills, abilities, and talents. However, his current financial conditions are not as good as he thinks. In career prospects, the Magician reversed indicates that he has a lot of opportunities around him. However, he is missing something that could make his career trajectory go down drastically. However, using his true potential would be the best he can do. In case he feels like the way is lost, this Major Arcana reversed card indicates that he must keep things close and tight to have desired results in the long run.

The Magician reversed indicates that he is devoid of energy and lack confidence. Thus, he must keep his head straight and give a closer perspective on his professional life. Business people must stay aware of the people around them. They may backstab him in business partnerships, leading to heavy downfall. In fact, at his workplace, he shall act dishonest and possess hidden agendas. Therefore, it warns him to trust his true self and not share much of his life with people around him.

Page of wands reversed suggest that his energy and drive may be lacking, leaving him unmotivated and stuck. This is the time to take a step back, pause and reassess his goals and values, and determine what truly inspires him.

Summary:

Page of cups reversed: The reversed Page of Cups suggests that he is keeping his creative inspirations and ideas secret. He may worry that others will steal his idea or tell him it's destined to fail. Instead, he is choosing to keep his plans private so he can develop them further without the influence of others. When the Page of Cups is reversed, he can feel inspired to take on a brand-new creative endeavour, but he may be unsure of his ability to make it successful.

I hope you enjoy this reading. And please keep in mind that this is done for entertainment purposes only. I use tarotcards and oracle cards actively in my readings, as well as my intuition. Energies come and go, what is relevant for today’s reading might change in a few weeks time. But some aspects will always remain constant and the same. Thank you.❤️