#because i hate when i vent now so i dont wanna do it anymore

[tokyoteddywolf]

It sucks so much once you realize how entwined someone is in your life, then it just sucks more when you have to scrub away the traces it existed. That it was there, and it was good, until it wasn't anymore.

(Ignore my angry venting it's 3am I'm cranky and want chocolate.)

[skeletonmaster69]

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[strangestofthings12]

This is going to be a very rambling and venty post cause im tired and annoyed and honestly am just using this to vent my anger/hurt. there is going to be stuff that can maybe be seen as anti tommy/bucktommy (please dont tell me a ship name to put i dont care about if they do have an agreed upon ship name right now) so if you dont want that please just move on. i dont want to fight i just want to yell into the void on a stupid throw away account so i dont bring my negativity stew and come out on my main blog where i just want to enjoy my stuff and just keep happy energy. I dont normally post and try and just find someone who explains it better because im not great and getting what im saying across or understood the way i want, so please bear with me. With that said i will move on to what i want to say

Okay so i have been watching 9-1-1 for years and i love and adore it. Its characters and dynamics and i have always loved found family. Now i will admit that i started watching it thinking that Buck and Eddie were a couple and had a son so i was kinda watching for it. Do i think if i didn't start watching thinking that i would ship them still yes 100%. I have always loved their relationship and i have loved watching both Buck and Eddie grow and start to be happy while also having each others back even at the worst times. Sometimes if i think to hard about Eddie and start crying cause I'm very normal about this show and it characters. Now Eddie is my favorite character in the show and at least in my top five overall favorite characters. I love him and his development and i adore seeing how much he does to just do right by Chris even when he messes up you can tell how much he adores that boy and how badly he wants to give Chris the best life possible. I could write essays about Eddie Diaz trying to explain how much i love him and why and i think words would run out before i could finish making people understand. Buddie is my favorite ship (sometimes second depending on my mood. i would say sorry but Henren and Madney will always be amazing ships and sometimes i just cant stop think about them)(Sorry Bathena i love you too i swear i just cant decide if i wanna kiss athena or be adopted by bobby and athena:( Its confusing) and has been for quite awhile and is one of my overall favorites and its one of my comfort ships.

With that context when bi Buck happened i was so insanely happy and i wouldnt shut up about it. it made me sick. i was so happy for Buck and while i think a part of me will always be a little sad Eddie wasnt his first kiss with a guy i dont think either of them are ready for that. i also understand that it wouldnt make sense for how the story is going right now. Now i have nothing against bucktommy in the show. I have watched the kiss scene and sobbed to much to pretend like i hate them or even dislike them. However I genuinely dont care about Tommy. Hes kinda bland and i forget about him half the time and before they brought him back i completely forgot his name. in my mind he was the one that wasnt as much of an asshole to chim and hen as the other two assholes which wasnt saying a lot. Now I dont dislike tommy nor am i going to act like hes irredeemable because neither Chim nor Hen seem to think hes still that guy and while they dont seem super close they seem to get along so clearly, he's not like that anymore. I have nothing that makes me dislike him nor do I like him. He's just there. He's just the guy buck kissed. Thats all he means to me. I would give up his screen time for Ravi or May or Karen in a heartbeat. because i love them cause they mean something to me. I don't think i thought about the fact that people might actually like him especially not more than EDDIE.

This is where the context matters cause i am to my core a one ship per person girly. I might see a ship and people who like it and even think thats not a terrible ship but i will still only look at content for my ship for that person (ie. i ship Destiel (dont say anything bad about them ill cry<3) but i can see the way someone would also ship Dean and Benny or crowley or Cas and Crowley or Mick but i will ignore the ship and move on and look at more Dean and Cas). normally i will just ignore the ship and move on because im not who its for. If it gets annoying in my tag or anything like that ill block it or whoever is annoying me cause its not a them problem that i dont want to see it. When i start to have a problem is when multiple people arent tagging right for whatever reason or people who are being rude about the ship i like because of their ship. When I started seeing Bucktommy stuff more and more in the 9-1-1 tag i went to the buddie tag cause i dont want to see them. my problem is that when im reading on AO3 and click on a fic tagged Buddie where bucktommy get married. it was literally just hurting Eddie. There was stuff before like id be scrolling though the buddie tag here and see someone saying that Tommy is a better character then Eddie and saying that they hope bucktommy is endgame. Whatever block and move on. Just like always but then people who have shipped buddie for years who ive seen talk about them are suddenly saying that they like bucktommy better. People who started watching because of bucktommy saying they dont like Eddie. People are going to have different opinions but it still bugged me. and then i read that and i was just hurt because it was tagged happy ending and i cannot fathom ever thinking Eddie hurting and pining is a happy ending. So i started to get more annoyed and i hate when that happens especially with a show i love and a character i dont dislike so i tried to just move on but more and more people are taking about it then i saw someone saying that they wanted eddie to die so buck and tommy can have Chris.

I just hate that so many people are jumping on the bucktommy train and saying that they like it better than buddie something that is so good and sweet or saying that they like Tommy more than Eddie. I just dont get it cause Tommy is boring. like yeah we now some about him and he flies a helicopter but hes forgettable he could be a completely different person and next to nothing would have to change. We have seen Eddie at his worst and claw his way back up and hes finally letting himself be open and honest and soft. Eddie couldnt be replaced. Now im not saying Tommy can't be an interesting character but as he is right now?? He just isnt. Hes just as bland as every women (minus Taylor and Shannon) Buck and Eddie have dated and been hated on for no reason!!! Like i get that Tommy is a guy and we got canon Bi Buck and people are happy but those same people turn around and shit on Marisol from what ive seen(I could be wrong cause again i have done my best to avoid). Buddie fans arent safe from that either, cause we all know that Buddie fans do that but so many of those people who hated on them and said they didnt want them with anyone else suddenly decided that they were okay if Buck ended up with any guy. I dont know its just weird and i hate how many people are acting like Eddie isnt always going to be better then Tommy. Part of me wanted Tommy to stick around and help Buck and Eddie figure it all out but now?? i honestly just cant wait for him to be gone cause I want to have fun and read fics for my comfort ship and just chill where i can see all of my ships in the show without buck and tommy being everywhere or people saying crap about Eddie.

I have more to say but most of its about how gratifying waiting and seeing where this whole thing goes(Buddie season 8 PLEASE!!) and this is already why to long and i think im just going in circles and none of this makes sense so ima shut up for now and hopefully this will help it not fester and drive me insane and become a tommy hater

Edit: but i also hate that Tommy calls Buck Evan so he already had some stuff against him rip

[ghostsandfools]

this is a vent post, y’all dont gotta respond or anything, im just writing it out here cause i already vented to my partner once today and writing in a diary is too time consuming for me right now

I dont like eating anymore. Things always go the exact same way. I only like a couple of foods, and then we run out of those foods and my parents wont buy me more so i judt dont eat until i get them again, and then when i do get them again i get so scared that someone else will eat them before me, and i end up trying to eat as much as possible. And im kinda tiny, so technically i dont even eat that much but it feels like so much. One meal can take me an hour cause i keep taking breaks. And then after, i feel tired and full and yucky and awful, and i get scared cause i have emetophobia and i keep worrying about getting sick. And i know i shouldnt eat that much but i do anyways. I havent gotten sick from it yet but the thought of it happening makes me wanna cry. I know it’s not healthy, and i hate that i have to struggle with this because i usually know how to deal with this stuff. Life has thrown a lot at me, and ive learned how to manage my mental issues so i dont end up hurting myself. Im usually the one that other people vent to, ive even been helping my partner with their eating issues, so i hate that i cant stop myself from this. I dont like it at all. Im hoping that its gonna go away over time just like everything else has. I used to self harm and i really struggled with that for a while too, but over time and with a little help from a friend i was able to stop that. Maybe this will be the same way… theres not really anything i can do about it. My doctor noticed i was underweight and suggested maybe i should get eating therapy so i can stop being so picky, but that was months ago. I dont know if its gonna happen. And i cant talk to my parents about it cause theyll say some dumb shit about how praying is going to help or how i just need to get better at eating and its not that hard. Cause thats exactly what theyve done every other time. And im stsrting to realize im gonna have to learn how to be there for myself the same way im there for others.

if you did read all this, dont worry bout me. I know that was a pretty depressing little paragraph, but writing it out has made me feel a little better. It’s easy to give people advice, but i have trouble following my own advice sometimes, and thats something im practicing. Im glad that i realize the issue, because at lesst i can work on it. Thats the first step. I think ill be alright.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

hi S ok you definitely dont have to answer this bc its basically just me venting and its pretty lame haha but im curious if its something you've ever dealt with or if u have advice... basically i have diagnosed ASD and marvel is my special interest and has been since i was a kid and im pretty positive its going to stay my favorite thing for the rest of my life lol. and sometimes i get so sooo sad and kinda lonely thinking about the fact that like .. i know its basically still one of the biggest fandoms out there but like all my favorite fics were posted like 5-10 years ago mostly from authors that arent even in the fandom anymore and theres never gonna be another movie with steve and bucky together that everyone gets excited about and wants to talk about and theres also just so much less of a fun goofy little tight knit community for stucky on tumblr and online like ... idk i just miss so bad when the mcu was at its peak and there was so much content to consume and so many people passionate about it... and i know theres definitely still a huge presence and like im so thankful that youre an author that i love thats still super active and im always glad to visit your page and to see that theres still so many fans out there that care and wanna interact yknow. but tumblrs different now and its been like ten years since peak stucky content and the actors are all doing their own thing now idk it just makes me sad 😩😩 i feel like such a loser saying it i swear i have other interests and an irl life that is very fruitful and lovely hahaha its just makes me a bit frustrated at my autism because i know i wont be able to ever really stop loving these characters even as others move on

Hey, sweets!

I understand what you mean and you're not a loser, not at all. It's fucking great to have an interest in something, anything--what else is life for? You gotta have something to be focused on and interested in that gives you joy, otherwise, what is there? Just blandness. And, yeah, Marvel fandom is still very much active and that's wonderful and great! But, it's also true that it will never be the same as it was in its heyday. Personally, I wasn't around when the stucky fandom was exploding along the release of CA:TWS/the general MCU height, but I certainly see all the old art, edits, cosplay, etc. that's still reblogged and I've read so many of the fics from years prior, so I have a grasp of what was happening. And I can totally see how you'd miss generally, but especially if your fixation has attached deeply to these characters.

I have a sibling on the autism spectrum (who's old enough to have been diagnosed with Aspergers's syndrome before that was phased out but they are, of course, on the spectrum regardless of arbitrary hierarchical labels that I will restrain from ranting about because I fucking hate that shit, don't talk to me about "high functioning" ugh) and they have a few different life-long hyperfixations as well. So, you're not alone, but, it is hard to think of any actual advice per se. I think you're already doing what you need to be doing, y'know? You're here and enjoying what is going on now, connecting to blogs that are active, finding space where you can talk about these characters, you've got other things to do that also capture your attention, and, of course, you know you're sad about what isn't going on anymore. It's okay to be sad. You can't control what you're passionate about in the same way you can't control who you fall in love with. Are these silly little fictional characters not just people we've fallen in love with a little or a lot, no matter if they don't "exist"? I love that for us. Humans are so cute and full of love.

Fandoms and people change and sometimes it fucking sucks when it happens, sometimes it's great. Either way, it's part of the ecosystem of life. Water and nutrients and air and sun--it makes people change, it makes them grow, and you're allowed to be sad about what they used to be, you just have to keep growing, too. Remember what they were and know who they are now.

Hopefully, something in there helped you feel better, even if it was just from telling someone how you feel.

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha

[borderline-culture-is]

tw vent

bpd culture is (maybe idk anymore) having three fps and they all start fighting and then one makes one other cry and ends up blocked by them (okay lets letter them. the one im most attached to is V, ive talked about her before. The blocked one will be M and the other will be C) and like i dont wanna stop talking to M and i dont want V to be angry at them but M did make V cry and then my former fav alter of Vs (well other than V of course, and lets call the alter A) literally went 'Really? You're gonna choose someone who told you not to die instead of someone you fantasise about spending the rest of your life with?' and now i hate A because thats what my mum does and it made me cry so much and then i was begging madly for forgiveness and then was talking to C and also A ended up stopping replying and i was freaking out more but apparently C just told them to not cos A is too young for it (theyre pretty sure theyre the one who developed from the start of the trauma, so theyre like 10) and then i went to talk to M and M was just too overwhelmed for it and also someone ELSE who i have no attachement whatsoever with said I should break up with V cos A said the bad stuff and then i yelled at her and then A thought i was block them but HOW THE FUCK COULD I BLOCK THEM I CANT FUCKING LIVE WITHOUT V

and anyways yeah i was freaking out and crying and dying inside because im sure V is angry at me but im not entirely sure why

also its like. V and her system NEVER help me when Im suicidal despite me helping them nearly every single time

but M always helps me. so like. what the fuck am i meant to do? im freaking out lol (the question was rhetoric dw about it)

-fairy anon

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[casp1an-sea]

TW Vent:

It took me like 2 weeks of college and I already tapped out. To say this week has been shit would be an understatement. It’s not just college, or family, or friends, it’s fucking everything all at once plus my brain being stupid. Right now I’m wandering around campus trying to go anywhere but my dorm and I don’t even know why. The stuff I pushed back so I could enjoy my first weeks of college is back and worse than before plus a whole bunch of new shit. I cried yesterday like genuinely for the first time in a long time, and idk that made me angry. I hated that it was so hard to cry. I want to cry right now but I feel like I can’t, I feel like my body is incapable. Which makes me not only feel like my feelings are invalid, but also trapped because I can’t have that emotional release. And on top of all this I have to be responsible? I have to clean my dorm room, do home work, go to class, study, and i’m also expected to be social? I dont want to be around people right now but I also don’t wanna be alone but when I’m around people (both online and irl) I feel like I’m a burden to them. And all of this is scary so I curl up in a corner and procrastinate. I would say Kylux is the only thing getting me through but I also hate it because it just feels so cringy (Ik it’s not I’m just insecure about it) and I feel like I’m gonna ruin it again I’m going to obsess over it to the point my friends even can’t take it anymore like I’ve done with so many other interests. Maybe I already have done that. Probably have. Definitely have for some people at least. Heck sometimes I feel like I annoy the actual Kylux Fandom. Plus I want to do so many things with it but I don’t have the energy or time which adds onto my feeling of being behind. I always feel like I’m running out of time. My anxiety is a constant in my life, and I can’t even do anything about some of these issues because they’re irrational or it’s not the right time or a number of other hindrances. I just need things to stop moving so fast. I need a break, but also I can’t take one, I had one, it was summer, but that’s over and now I just have this constant feeling of too much, there’s to much going on, there’s to many emotions, to many things to process so I just feel numb, and I just need it all to shut up. But there’s no pause button for life so I just have to put up with it I guess.

[cheeryoss]

i just spent like an jour or two on call with someone i didnt rlly wanna call the only person i feel comfortable calling is my cousin and one of my friends everyone else i feel forced to bring energy. the girl i called with his pretty funny but like she never responds to anything i say and i get cut off alot. and its just like. i dont know shes so self centered i can’t believe i had a crush on her. i really hate when im cut off.

also i called my mom to tell her about hosa and okay. i love her but she acts like she knows everything about me no you fucking don’t im not some shy girl who can’t talk to people at all anymore. i can when i need to you dont know me.

anyway i HATE school . i think i may end up a no one and homeless or just. i dont know my thoughts are getting really negative as of late and this just i dont think this is me,???? usually im so positive and i know the steps to better myself but this time i just have no energy and I actually don’t see a very bright future for myself but also i know logically that’s probably not true. my grades are good and i have a decent stack of academic achievements so ill probably get inro some good college or university and then get an alright career. but then what? i marry a man, have kids, and end up doing nothing.

i dont wanr to live like that. i need to die proud of myself. i think thats another reason I haven’t killed myself.

sorry this vent is so lame i think i just went on to go on about something. infact, i dont even really like centing in online spaces because of how harmful it is. ill get stuck in some negative feedback loop because of the content i post and my blog being full of this. its just not wise. but i dont know where else to go with tgese thoughts? when i bottle them up i just cry. I haven’t gone one day without crying in a long while. im not telling my mother i need a therapist, and quite frankly they dont even look that useful. so its just me who has to fix this. but im really worried I can’t. that’s my biggest fear. ill just end up a failure to past me, present me, and future me. my family and friends too, everyone whose ever complimented me.

I started this off with wanting to throw a decoration piece in my living room but now tears just came out.

i dont think ill ever be loved. not in some main character “AGGHG IM SO UNLOVABLE” but just like. i think im boring. Aand im not super pretty. In the romantic sense, that is. But i guess the platonic way also, but im not gonna sit here and act like thats not the case. I know i have my mother, and my friend/cousin, my other friend but truthfully i dont know who else.

i act like love is this big thing and i only love a select amounr of people, but i think i love anyone i get close to. i actually think i can love alot of things. i dont wanna be selective anymore. i wanna love alot. i wannna live a life where i can confidently say i love tons of things. i wanna love. love is the main thing keeping me

I wanna get better for everyone i love. I dont want to fail and they have to see it. I want them to know things can and will get better if you try.

im crying now but im so sorry to everyone ive ever hurt i love you i really do

[hexcryingwolf]

to give some context to some previous posts it turned out someone in my private friend server had been leaking directly to glip that i was venting about them. which was precisely something i was terrified would happen and it really sucks cuz i recently made amends with this person (had a falling out over flora stuff, not this incident exactly) only to find this out and. i mean we talked about it, i tried to let it go. but its still really bothering me.

because the way they told it - peppering shit i was doing with random lies and leaving out details like I Wasnt Using Anyone's Names Around People Not In The Know - thats where a lot of the bullshit about me came from. the "she has no idea what reality is" thing. that thing that torments me still for some fucking reason i hate it. it made this whole narrative of me clinging to flora when what i was trying to do was work thru shit, by doing things like Allowing Myself To Be Angry but. fuuuck its so upsetting that it had to get back to them.

"im not your problem anymore" was something id said to glip the first time i tried to cut off cold turkey. didnt really work out cuz they made the callout comic about me so that sucks. then i have the meeting with my therapist with the letter and it looks like i can get away for real but nope cuz someone i trusted betrayed me. and they had been pushing back against me trying to process shit in my space to a painful degree at the time. to know now that they were also in contact with my abuser is awful and. like i dont wanna end the friendship again after having just fixed it but. i dont know what to do.

[stargazer0001]

there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

[emotionallyrin]

i feel like im in a hole

its almost the end of this college year, my second year too. i feel trapped though. i have two assignments i have to do in the next 24 hours and all i can feel for motivation is that i dont wanna be homeless lol. bare minimum motivation i guess and even then my depression is overwriting all motivation i gain.

anything about wanting to get a good education to get a job and be independent is all just gone when i feel so much despair that i just feel like im drowning constantly. im having dreams about drowning, very infrequent but they happen. usually its a lake, not a very deep one but enough that water would be up to your shoulders. i'm too weak to do anything but fall head first in and just dive, my body is tired and cold unable to help myself. sometimes my dad is there and he pulls me out , it doesn't feel like he's doing it to save me though - more like to keep me trapped in this family.

my family is a mess. i'll infrequently talk about it but just for this post all you need to know is they hate me and everything i stand for. i've heard it from their mouth, this isn't an insecurity.

my depression recently has been consuming me, like a bottomless pit. all i can think about is how i need to do this or that, obligations normal people could do with a push of grunting after all. for me, i just cant build any energy to move. my arms feel weaker by the day, my legs grow numb, my ribs feel like they're collapsing in, and my brain hates it. it's starting to feel like an excuse, i cant do the things i need to because im too depressed to move. i know i need help but my family doesnt accept i do, mental health isnt real to them, so i just wait and suffer.

i've been depressed most of my life to some extent but this is the worst its ever been due to various reasons, things i need to move forward from and get over but all i think about is how i wanna just die in my bed and sleep. its why i feel like im in a hole. im trying to do an essay right now, been trying for a few hours i guess but every time i start writing i feel dead. no motivation just feelings of wanting to cry. it's already overdue so i cant ask for an extension anymore, no help either because if my teachers knew my situation my parents would find out and every time i ask for help they just make something up so i cant get help. i dont know what to do anymore. i cant do this but i need to. i have to or else i cant break free from the prison they created for me.

this isnt a cry for help, just a vent for myself. if you want to give advice or speak about it then go ahead but seriously as much as im not ok just take this "im ok" and dont worry as much as you want to.

... also im sick for like the 4th time this year lol

[goremet-chef]

guhh im so bothered rnn (vent/rant)

so... i? idk. ive been out as trans in my house since 2020. my mom doesnt call me dom (sometimes she does if my sibling encourages her to, but she defaults back to my deadname anyways) and ive learned to accept it. i dont think she ever will and its sad for me, the reality that once i start my transition, ill need to just.. leave a lot of my family behind. they think its some rebellious choice like i hate all of them but im more worried about them hating me

my mom says shes supportive but is actively right wing, shes having an inner battle with her ideologies, i know that. i can tell by how she talks about homeless people vs how she talks about us being queer

so. whatever. thats my mom i guess. but for a long time, i wasnt out to my moms husband. i despise him and ive never intentionally started a conversation with him, let alone come out. ive started to not care about what he thinks. i know what he thinks, he thinks gays should die, said it straight to my gay siblings face. okay, cool. doesnt concern me, moms bf is absolutely fucking nothing to me.

to remedy this sort of like... we didnt wanna DEAL with what he might say if he heard both my siblings calling me dom, cuz both of them do, so whenever theyre around they would just refer to my deadname, but i saw it made them cringe, so now everyone calls me 'that one child'

that one, other one, etc etc

no one even calls me my name anymore

it makes me feel so hopeless. ive EXPRESSED it makes me upset but my younger sibling doesnt care (the one most guilty of it), because they dont understand why it upsets me, i guess thats enough reason to keep going

its so dehumanizing to be reduced to actually nothing. i ALREADY have heaps and heaps and HEAPS of identity issues. sometimes it gets so bad i start having crazy ass delusions, sometimes im not even present and its a different part of my mind in my body

its hard enough as is!!! now my family wont call me anything at all

it makes me feel less bad about leaving, but i dont think ill ever leave at this rate

need to start T, change my name, get a job, all in that order. starting T seems impossible at this rate. i.. dont know what to do. i cant keep LIVING like this, because im not living at all

i never leave my house because im too ashamed in how i look, i cant BEAR the thought of anyone else perceiving me as female, i cant fucking do it!!! im so tired. my house is like a prison for me, genuinely.

and my family dont get it, obviously. they think its my choice, im some kind of hermit who doesnt care about being outside because i have internet. they are so fucking wrong. i miss going out, i miss being around people, i miss existing like everyone else, but i just cant do it man. not like this

so it becomes a waiting game, when am i gonna bring up starting it? how do i even move forward once i do? what if she says no? id have to do it on my own but i cant.. i cant even order things for myself without freezing like shutting up will get me out of there, i cant fucking do it

she doesnt even know!! we were in the car together and she was like yknow theres people who cant even make a doctors appointment. what losers.

IM losers, would she have said that if she knew? does she know and decided to say it anyways? i dont know, but its just.. everything seems so hopeless at this point. i want to just give up, accept im not gonna be who i truly am, but man i cant stand being any more miserable

it makes me wanna cry, the only time i get to feel myself how i think i should be is either if i draw something fictitious, or if i spend hours in the mirror making sure i look masculine, my mustache is convincing, etc. AND FOR WHAT? literally for fucking WHAT, because i dont leave the house anyways!!!!! dolled up like i have somewhere to be, like my appearance will get me what i want, when im stuck at home! i got nothing to prove to them, they think what they think

its fucking dreadful. im so scared of my life passing me by, and here i am wasting away in my bedroom for the last 3 years. no progress, nothing. at first, i was scared about even starting T because theres a higher risk of heart disease, but. i dont fucking care if it KILLS me. i dont care!!! if it kills me i dont fucking care im not living the life i want to live anyways. the risk of death is worth it at this point, i mean that so seriously

idk. im just tired, is all. i wish everyone could perceive me the way i dream they would. only time that happens is online, or when im not with my family at all and instead with my friends. but we only hang out like. once in a blue moon

and yknow what? im not even safe then. i remember we were at my friends house for halloween last year (we always meet up). i had my full leatherface costume one, my face was touched up to make it look like the mask. and still. dressed that way, when my friends mom asked me what my name was, i said dom and she was immediately like. "oh, dominique?" no. my name is fucking DOMINIC.

i didnt say anything besides correcting her, but it was such a blow, man. the only time ill be happy is if im closely monitoring every single thing i do, to make sure i dont appear feminine at all. no matter how i look, now matter how deep my voice is. miserable. why would anyone think that id choose this

[ghostsandfools]

(This is a vent post, nothing to see here, move along people, nothing interesting going on I’m just sad again)

I dont like being sad. I genuinely can’t imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t completely mentally shut down every 2-3 days.

My dad has been home for three fucking days and I can’t take it. I hate him so sososososois much. It’s insane how much I can’t stand him-

For some ungodly reason he decided to take a four day weekend when he KNOWS we can’t afford it, and it’s throwing me off. Like, my mom and sister suck too, but that’s my usual amount. I already break down enough with them around, so it’s nice that my dad has a job so he can get the hell out cause he’s the one that makes me feel the worst. But now they’re all home and all getting on my nerves at the same time and I can’t take it.

I don’t wanna be mean anymore. I wanna be a good daughter, I wanna be a good big sister! My sister is only fucking six, but she gets on my nerves SO much, and every time I yell at her I feel so guilty because I know that one day I’m gonna move out and those will be the only memories of me she has and I hate that.

I don’t like being mean to my mom either. She sucks, but I feel like she’s just misguided. Like, if she made some changes she really could be a good person. But idk… I wonder what it’ll take for her to leave my dad. He’s lied, cheated, gambled, they don’t get along, I don’t even think she loves him. I just wonder what it would take. There are a lot of things I think he would do, if he was provoked in the right way, and I just feel like it doesn’t matter what he does she will ALWAYS find a way to justify it. And it’s kinda scary. I’m not very strong, I dont think I could stop him from hurt me or my sister or anyone really… But idk…

The worst part is that I don’t even remember any of it after. Like, I remember TONS of times when he’s belittled me, and lied to me, and not been a good person, but then I’ll try to think about it and I can’t remember. It makes me feel like I’m crazy. Like, why do I hate him so much when I can’t even name any of the bad things he’s done? But I know he has, but I always forget how…

I don’t think any of that was coherent, I’m really trying not to worry you guys too much. I’ll be okay, I may not be physically strong but I am mentally and I’ve got this. I didn’t really give any specific examples above, but I promise you all that I’m safe. My parents are jerks, but they don’t unironically physically abuse me in any way, so there’s no need to get all scared for me. Things are just taking a mental toll on me lately

[sweetronancer]

tw : vent!!!

love changes everything by sam phillips is so real. like "im not sorry we loved, but i hope i didnt keep you too long" is way too fucking real. like it hurts me to love so much. it hurts to like care about someone so much but i cant let them go and my heart aches. im not sorry we had what we did and i miss her. i hate to miss her but i do. love really does change everything, it changes how you view someone and how you feel for someone. i dont wanna love like that anymore, i dont want a love where shes just ripping my heart out or whatever. im happy in my current relationship but i feel horrible because i miss my ex just a little bit. i hate myself for loving her still but i also love who im currently with so much. but i cant let the old one go. she was my first like actual love. like she made me feel seen and i loved that, the first month of the relationship she listened to me and then she stopped because she met another girl. she was like "oh but i love you two equally" thats not a normal thing to tell your girlfriend that you chased for a while, is it? i told her it was either me or her but she chose both of us and i didnt confront her about it at all and it still makes me miserable and its been almost a year since that happened. i stayed with her and idk why, i just liked the attention she gave me. im pretty sure she dated the other girl behind my back while we were together, im like pretty positive, but i stayed with her and i let her walk all over me. i let her win every single argument and at like 7 months in i stopped fighting, i stopped trying to talk it out because it was pointless. im pretty sure by month 3 it was one sided and it has been one sided, i doubt she even loved me to begin with. i think she only liked the idea of dating me. i just wanna scream and cry and allat because this really like bothers me every fucking day and i dont talk about it but i guess this is me speaking up. something i couldn't do with her but im doing it now. she neglected me a lot too. im pretty sure she love bombed me and allat yk? i just took it though. i was a sucker for her and tbh i still am. i hate myself for it and i miss my current girlfriend so much, we barely talked today but her service is horrible but at least she actually lives in the states?? my ex hated america and i doubt she'd like to pay me a visit yk. but it just pisses me off how she could go hours and like a whole day without texting me (my ex) and like i just let her, i told her i have attachment issues and she was like "thats not my fault" but she begged me not to leave her when she fucked up. she got so jealous when i made a new friend and bitched about it so much so i dropped everyone for her. whatever anyway!!!

[bpd-bottle]

vent //

i genuinely like actually hate myself right now!! i do everything wrong and i mess up people's lives. like for instance i dont get what people mean when they subtly tell me to do something and i like making people mad and driving them away from me and blaming it on them!!! sometimes it just makes me worry because one day ill mess up my whole life with that sht. i cant do anything without messing it all up. life is getting and hard and im barely able to do anything now. my chest gets heavy at times and i just cant breathe and like a wave of depression comes over me and then im smelling smoke and it just it really scared me like im crazy or something. i dont want to be crazy anymore. i want to be normal. i feel like im just alive so i can hog attention for fucks sake. so many people hate me and i act like theyre not even there. it hurts when i want them to know me too. because like i admire them so much and i cant help but want to talk to thembut everybody and their mom knows damn fucking well they want me dead. it really hurts though. because i just want to be okay to talk to them. its hard being like this. because i want to be able to make them so so happy but i cant do that without runing myself in the process and i promised i wouldnt do that for a simple person. but since them ive began cutting and smoking and just ruining my life for them. ive even pretended to delete twitter so that they could be okay, be happy without me. I would delete my life if they told me to. its not love nor is it lust, its just admiration, i need them to like me. i need her to percieve me. tlel me whats wrong with me, ill try my fucking hardest to fix it. i just miss being able to talk to her so normally. and now i find out she just doesnt fucing care. thats okay because i do and ill make sure she never has to care !!! she can stand there upset and ill remove my life for her. i just want to make sure i never upset her because thats not the point of mydumb life. i want her to be happy but im crying so hard i really dont want to leave her i want to know what shes doing at all tmes i need to knwo if shes okay i want to know if she still cares about me i dotn wanna do anything but care for her. but i know im just ruingin her life and making her upset but its just i need er in my life its hard without her i cant live like this. its hard leaving it alone because she just feels so close to me . shes so close but shes so fucking far i cant handle it. i have to have tabs on her but she hates me. she hates me so i try my god damn hardest not to be in her life. yeah, ill say hey a few times on other accoutns, but i will genuinely die if i cant tell her something at least once every few months.