#because I’d love to experience that again

[royalarchivist]

Bad: I don’t think people understand the effect QSMP had on some of the streamers in terms of like… The real raw mental impact, so I’m gonna set the stage for you. [...] Imagine that you were given a friend to play Minecraft with — like your best friend — BUT if this person dies, if they die in the game, you never get to talk to them again. Can you imagine what that’s like?

Bad: If you did not live through the QSMP, if you did not live through that, it almost sounds like, crazy. But I don’t think people realize how much of a joyous experience the Eggs were. They were SO awesome! They were literally so awesome to just hang out with and spend time with.

Bad: I’m not saying I regret it. To this day, I loved the experience. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing how everything went, I would still do it all over again. [...] I would still do it all over again, because — even knowing like, all the trauma and suffering and stuff like that — because it was just… It was just that fun, it was just that fun.

Earlier today during his stream, Bad shared his experience and thoughts about the Eggs and the significant emotional (and traumatic) impact they had on him and his fellow QSMP members.

This clip a very edited-down version since his commentary was ~13 minutes long, so I highly recommend checking out Bad's VOD if you have the time. (Timestamp: 47:36 - 1:00:14)

[ Full Transcript ↓ ]

———

Bad: To be fair Chat, I really think the QSMP... I don't think anyone really can relate to it, Chat. It's something that's so... I've told people this before, like– but it's hard to understand. Right? Like...

Where was I? Sorry Chat, I'm losing my train of thought. Look, let me explain Chat– here's the dealio, ok? Here's the dealio, and this is what I mean when I say like, it's important to keep this in mind, Chat. Ok? It's important to keep this in mind:

I don’t think people understand the effect that the QSMP had on like, some of the streamers, in terms of like… The real raw mental impact, so I’m gonna set the stage for you. This is the analogy I’ve given to every person who I’ve like, shared this with. Imagine you meet somebody– [He hears a strange noise] What the fudge was that? Did you hear that?

Anyway– Chip! The story I was just relaying to Chat, Chip, was this: I was sharing this story with them, I said–  I was giving them an analogy. 

Imagine Chat, for example, imagine that you were… playing Minecraft, with like– you were given a friend to play Minecraft with, Chat, like your best friend, and [unintelligible] were like, “Hey, you get to play Minecraft with this person, right? BUT if this person dies – they’re currently your best friend, Chip – but if they die in the game, you never get to talk to them again. Ever again.” Can you imagine what that’s like, Chip?

I don’t think a lot of people understand like, what that does, right? I’m not gonna say that like, it creates this situation, Chip, that like, messes with your head, but it– Chip – but it totally, totally does, Chip. It messes with your head! It literally puts you in a position where you’re second-guessing and thinking about everything, Chip! You’re thinking about EVERYTHING Chip! Ok? And that’s the problem, Chip– is you turn into a paranoid monster because of it, Chip! Like, you don’t understand Chip– I was- I was so afraid of every dirt block, I used to carry a shovel with me Chip, and I would specifically right-click dirt blocks that looked suspicious because mines, Chip– mines could not be shoveled! Like, I was crazy, Chip! But here’s the problem, Chip: that craziness is still there. I’m genuinely like–

I remember thinking Chip, that I would one day– I was like, “I’m going to move past–” here, let’s go up here, Chip. I remember thinking one day Chip, I was like, “I’m gonna move past the underground base, one of these days. You know, one of these days, I feel like I’ll be able to grow and achieve the desire to build a base that doesn’t have to be underground.” But I don’t think it’s possible now Chip, because I think… I just don’t know. I feel like the paranoia– there’s still like, residual leftover trauma from that situation, Chip.

But here’s the problem Chip: I don’t think I don’t think– I don’t think people understand it. Like, I just really don’t. But I also don’t blame them Chip, ‘cuz I don’t think it’s possible to fully understand it if you haven’t lived through it. Like, if you did not live through the QSMP… I’m talking about the QSMP, I don’t- I don’t know if that was obvious– if you did not live through that, it almost sounds like, crazy. But I don’t think people realize how much of a joyous experience like, the Eggs were. Right? I don’t think people realize it. Like, they were SO awesome! They were literally so awesome to just hang out with and spend time with, Chip. So, it’s just one of those things that–

[He’s interrupted by a loud rumble of thunder above them]

Did lightning just strike here? Is it thunderstorming out…? But anyway, Chip. That’s the food for thought.

But that’s the problem– Like, every time it rains in Minecraft, I have to like, look at the sky, and I get this weird, like, second--hand vibe because of the trauma. The trauma, Chip! The trauma is real! But that’s the point– I’m not saying I regret it. I, to this day Chip, I loved the experience. I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. Even knowing how everything went, I would still do it all over again. 

[He falls down] Dangit, don’t come over here Chip, ‘cuz I’m coming back up! Ok.

I would still do it all over again, because — even knowing like, all the trauma and suffering  and stuff like that — because it was just… It was just that fun, Chip, it was just that fun. I really wi– I don’t think it’s ever gonna be possible, Chip, to give people that same energy, like that same experience. You know what I mean, Chip? I don’t think it’s ever gonna be possible again. Like, EVER.

Because… because like, one: I will say on one level Chip, I will say on one level, like– it’s sort of emotionally like… It’s emotionally devastating, and I think to actually go through that– and this is where like, if I ever do end up going to a– see a therapist, if I ever do end up going to see a therapist at any point, I’ll talk it over with them and be like, “Hey, what do you think about this?” Because I genuinely think on one level, like– it’s created this fear of forming attachments because of like, how things can go. You know what I mean? Like, the fear of getting attached to something and then potentially losing it. Like, it’s- it’s a genuine thing. I think people forget about that.

Like, at the end of the day, everything was RP, right? On the server. You know what I mean? Like, everything was RP, Chip. BUT at the same point, even though it was RP Chip, it was still like– there the reality of you were still playing like, with another person, and you were still getting that experience, and it felt like you were genuinely attached to someone and you didn’t want anything bad to happen to them. It was GENUINELY stressful, Chip.

But at the same point, I don’t regret it, and I don’t think it was a bad experience. I’m– 

Sometimes in life Chip, you go through stuff, and maybe you have a certain amount of like, things that like, can happen, that you’re like, “You know what, maybe this wasn’t a good thing that this happened,” but at the same point, you still aren’t necessarily upset about it, because… it’s like growing as a person, right? Here’s the thing Chip; even bad situations, Chip, can lead to an overall good outcome. Like–

Even if you’re going through something bad Chip, just because a bad thing happens doesn’t mean that only bad things have to come from that. That’s one of the things I tell people all the time, Chip, is that if you go through a bad situation, you can learn from it, and you can use your experience to help others. And you can be that– you can be, at the worst-case scenario, you can be someone for other people who are going through that same experience to lean on when they go through that.I think there’s a certain amount of comfort that comes from that; from knowing no matter how bad your situation is, you’re not the only person who’s experienced it. You know what I mean?

[francesderwent]

so for the purposes of this discussion I’m going to assume that we all agree that it’s not a desirable state of affairs to be sexually intimate with a whole bunch of people just for fun. I know not everybody agrees with that *gestures vaguely to the sexual revolution and the hookup culture*, but if I have to prove that first then that’s going to take forever and I don’t think it’s what we’re talking about anyway.

we’re going to assume that our interlocutor believes sex and love do have something to do with each other, and wants to know why we shouldn’t treat sex the way that most television shows these days treat sex: like kissing on the lips. you’re in love with your boyfriend so you kiss him on the lips. and then you might break up, and fall in love again and kiss a new boyfriend on the lips. in certain circumstances you might kiss someone on the lips who isn’t your boyfriend, like if they save your life or you go through a bonding experience together or something. and eventually you get married to someone and you only kiss that guy on the lips from then on, but you have kissed a few other guys before and it’s not a big deal or a scandal at all. why, is the question, can’t we treat sex exactly the same?

so, point one is: because the whole physical world is infused with symbolic meaning, the human body speaks a language of its own. we don’t assign meanings to the “words”, they’re inherent and universal. you can’t twist bodily actions to mean whatever you want them to mean, they’re going to go on saying what they really mean whether you want them to or not. a slap does not mean love; its violence is not and cannot be loving. a kiss does not mean hatred; Judas betraying Jesus with a kiss adds an extra layer of hurt to his deception.

point two: in order to exist happily and healthily in the world, we need to speak the truth with our bodies, and not try to twist the language of the body into saying something it isn’t. when we lie with the body, the whole real world we live in resists us. we’re trying to impose our own meaning by our own will onto something that already has its own meaning, given it by God, and quite frankly, God’s meaning is stronger and it’s gonna win. think of this as living in a state of denial—even if you can stay in your denial for a little while, eventually, reality will have its say, it will make itself felt. more on this later.

point three: sex, as a word in the language of the body, is saying something other than just “I feel love for you”—i.e. it is saying something different than a kiss. how do we know this? first of all, sex causes bonding on a chemical level in a way that kissing absolutely does not! secondly, sex creates children—and therefore exists on a very different level than kissing! both of these differences point to this: kissing as a “word” speaks about love as desire, when it says “I feel love for you” it’s mostly saying “I want you”. sex as a word speaks something more, it says something in itself about a commitment which is forever. what sex is saying is “I give all of myself to you and I receive all of you in return, we belong to each other forever”.

point four: the only circumstances in which sex can be spoken truly is marriage. sex speaks in the body the same total commitment that is made in the marriage vows, reiterating and confirming the mutual gift that has already been given.

this is sort of where it gets tricky (and where I think TOB speakers often fail their listeners), because when you’re dating somebody, if you’re not being disingenuous and stringing them along until you find something better, you do hope that you’ll be together forever. and so the more you fall in love with someone, the more you naturally (and appropriately, I’d say!) want to have sex with them, because you want to be able to express your longing for that forever. you don’t intend to lie with your body! you want to say what sex says and make it true in the saying of it!

I think the usual Christian response is to say “ah yes, but that forever isn’t yet promised or guaranteed, so you don’t know if it’s ever going to come”. and as much as the person currently head-over-heels in love doesn’t want to hear it, unfortunately it is very real. for every Jack who meets his first serious girlfriend in college, has sex with her because he really wants them to be together forever, and then marries her six years later having had sex with no one but her, there’s just as many (if not more) Jill’s who meets her first serious boyfriend in high school, has sex with him because she really wants them to be together forever, then is blindsided by a breakup and goes on to repeat the pattern with several more boyfriends before she finally finds the “one”. it’s a tragically common story, so common that the trauma of it is becoming harder to recognize. but it causes severe emotional and psychological harm, to give all of yourself to a person hoping for the gift to be received, only to have your whole self be rejected, or trivialized, or used and discarded. it takes tremendous courage for Jill to pick herself up and believe in love again, and often she’s disappointed over and over again. even when the “one” does appear and the gift is finally received completely in marriage, the scars don’t fade completely. I think a lot of people who get their happy ending end up experiencing that phenomenon of psychological backdraft, all their old sexual traumas bubbling up again now that they finally have a healthy sexual experience to know how it should have been. they then have to spend the honeymoon years of their marriage healing from everything that came before. so the usual Christian guidance is “you don’t want to go into marriage with all that baggage, so better to wait just to make sure”.

and while I do think avoiding trauma is generally a good idea, I think this is a little bit of a cop-out. for one thing, it kind of seems to be saying “don’t have sex with your significant other, because you don’t really know if they’re telling the truth about wanting to marry you”—that is, it’s encouraging you to not trust your partner. sure (she said sarcastically), that sounds healthy!! there has to be a better, more loving reason not to have sex with a significant other before marriage. and it’s this: if the Church’s teaching about sex and marriage are really true, then it is just as wrong for Jack to have sex with his girlfriend before marriage as it is for Jill to have sex with her boyfriend—Jack’s eventual marriage to his girlfriend doesn’t retroactively validate every instance of premarital sex! and if Jack having sex with his girlfriend before they got married is wrong, then what we’re saying is it must be hurting them. even though their love story ended happily! even though they did end up giving and receiving the gift of self completely! getting things “out of order” is hurting them and making them unhappy. this is the burden of proof, and it’s much harder than proving Jill’s sexual history is hurting her. and yet if we believe Church teaching, it must be true!

so we return at last to my above point two—in order to exist happily and healthily in the world, we need to speak the truth with our bodies, and not try to twist the language of the body into saying something it isn’t. and here’s the kicker: we are not God. we cannot make a thing so just by saying it. so no matter how understandable it is to try to create a relationship that will last forever by speaking forever with our bodies, it simply does not work that way. when the word is spoken out of the context which makes it true (i.e. when you have sex outside of marriage), it does not and cannot bring that whole context into being—it doesn’t create a vow of fidelity, it doesn’t create a shared life, it doesn’t create a public commitment. someone can have sex with you and then break up with you, someone can have sex with you and then get in their car and go home leaving you there by yourself to sleep alone, someone can have sex with you and then pretend you don’t exist. the sex, on its own, doesn’t create a slippery slope that leads swiftly and inevitably to marriage. it just creates tension between the life you actually have, unmarried, and the unreal life you’re pretending you have in sleeping with one another. it makes all those parts of yourselves that you haven’t shared stand out more strongly, making you feel every little separation as a wound. and instead of creating a sense of peace and security, it leads to a kind of desperate grasping feeling—“we’re acting like us being together forever is a done deal, but it’s not a done deal, it’s not set in stone, so what can I do to make it work, how can I control this, how can I make him want me enough to stay?” even if in the end Jack proposes, the foundation of the relationship has been damaged. it can be healed, and rebuilt! but it is not good for a relationship to develop under that kind of strain. not good, and not necessary.

what’s the alternative? when you wait to have sex until marriage, your dating years with a partner can be years of expectantly looking forward in hope, while also living in the moment. you are not married yet—so your relationship is not set in stone, you’re still deciding what kind of relationship you want to have together, which means it can still get better and better as you build it. talk a LOT! talk about everything! talk about your pasts, talk about your dreams for the future! work out your issues in the present instead of covering them over with physical affection! because you’re not burdened by the anxious desperation to turn a lie into the truth, you will be able to see more clearly what the strengths and the weaknesses of the relationship really are, which allows you to address your weaknesses and work on them! and because you’re not pretending like you’re already totally committed, the prospect of actually making a total commitment will be more and more attractive. when you’re not trying to act like you’re married already, it’s so much easier to have open conversations about the future you want together, and easier to know when it’s time right now to take steps to get there. and that’s exciting! it’s fun to have stuff to look forward to, it’s fun to make plans together!

it’s not a better way because there’s less collateral damage, because you’re hedging your bets playing it safe just in case something goes wrong. it’s a better way because it’s all about letting love develop in its own time, according to its own internal laws. I’m not gonna say “guard your heart”, as if your significant other was an enemy at the gates. instead, “guard your relationship”, because it’s worth protecting, worth giving every chance to be as happy as it can be.

[greyeyedmonster-18]

Five Times Sirius Black Fucked James Potter and One Time He Didn't

(a slytherin!sirius au... part 5/5. read parts one, two, three, and four.)

-

“Well, I barely recognized you, Professor. What a surprise to see you here,” James said, clapping Sirius on the back between the shoulder blades. It was a lie. A bad one. James knew it was. Because he had walked into the Three Broomsticks and immediately recognized the dark curls  and broad shoulders sitting at the bar. And had only bought time over in the corner by his friends so it didn’t look like he immediately recognized him. He joined in the idle chit-chat, keeping an eye on Sirius the entire time, before making the excuse to go say hello to his son’s professor.

Briefly.

It would be brief. 

Lies, lies, lies. Nothing with Sirius Black was ever brief. 

But Sirius wasn’t wearing his teaching robes. He wasn’t in an expensive suit, or robes, or the usual attire James saw him in. Instead, a simple long sleeve t-shirt, pushed up to his elbows and all his forearm tattoos visible. A leather jacket was hanging off the back of his chair. And commenting on Sirius being outside of the usual settings they interacted in, seemed like the safest bet.

Sirius turned toward him, raising an eyebrow playfully, “End of the term. I am officially off the clock.”

“Celebrating?”

“Something like that.”

“I’m just over there,” James said, turning over his shoulder to look at his friends and colleagues gathered at a table in the corner, “You should come join us.”

Sirius laughed shortly, “No.”

“What? You’re just going to sit here alone?”

“Yes.”

“That can’t be much fun.”

“On the contrary, I love being alone. Ideal situation would be if this bar were completely empty. I’d help myself to the whiskey behind the bar if it were legal and pay for the staff to take the hours off,” Sirius replied, taking a sip of his drink, cheeky smile over the rim of his glass. James had come to learn that Sirius Black had one hell of a bark, and James had spent the better part of two decades on the receiving end of it, but had very little bite. Like a dog growling while playing tug of war. At least in James's experience. Always curious if he was the exception or the rule in Sirius’s world. 

“Haven’t sent me away yet,” James teased, pulling out the stool next to Sirius at the bar, 

“Well, you’re good company,” Sirius said plainly, raising his eyebrows and taking another sip of his drink. 

The exception.

James preferred it that way. 

“That was…nice.”

“I have my moments.”

“Let me buy you a drink.”

“Go back to your friends, Potter.”

James waved his hand toward his group of friends, “They see me enough. I mean it, let me buy you a drink.” 

Sirius turned toward James though, setting down his glass, “No.”

“I don’t even have to drink it with you just let me--”

“Let me finish, Potter,” Sirius said, holding up a hand to cut James off, “Before you go into one of frustrated rants and go on about how irritating I am, you cannot buy me a drink is because I always buy. That’s a non-negotiable,” James opened his mouth again, and Sirius gave him another pointed look, “and before you ask why, it’s because, as you love to remind me, I have piles of galleons and there is more than enough to go around.” Sirius put his hand down and finished the remainder of the drink in his glass.

More than enough to go around.

James thought back to the pairs of socks, and trousers and the time he had grabbed Sirius’s sweater while dressing when they were still in school together. Sneaking around. James always in an embarrassed hurry to leave, head spinning and unable to keep track of his belongings. At the time, it annoyed James, because Sirius was always so put together and seemed to know exactly where his uniform shirt was and where his socks had landed. In retrospect, Sirius had saved James several times from walking back to his dorm, sweaty feet in leather shoes. Sirius never asked for anything back. Keep it.

James thought about the cup of tea Sirius made him the night before his wedding. The hot shower. Sirius pulling out luxurious soap hidden in his bathroom cabinets, never asking for anything in return.

The ward at St. Mungo’s. The funds provided to Hogwarts and other wizarding schools around the country. 

And now this.

“Nothing to say? No rebuttal?” Sirius asked, “Have I finally rendered the great James Potter speechless?”

James nudged Sirius with his shoulder, “You’re still a prick. Even if…you surprise me by having a consistently generous mindset.”

“So, I’ll buy you a drink,” Sirius said firmly. A statement, not even a hint of a question. James’s stomach squirmed.

“By all means, Black,” James sat back, gesturing to the bar, watching as Sirius raised his hand to get the barmaid's attention. Without even asking, Sirius had ordered another whiskey on ice and a butterbeer, and James blinked in his direction.

“The whiskeys for me, don’t worry, Potter.”

“No, I know, how did you know I don’t drink?”

“There have been occasions where I’ve listened while you were speaking.” Definitely the exception. James’s stomach flipped again. “Now why’d you want to buy me a drink, exactly?”

“Good company,” James grinned, doing his best to recover quickly “And…I’ve got a really happy kid. I wasn’t sure how it was going to pan out, with him in Slytherin, but he’s…made friends, who aren’t all little brats, and he’s doing well in school and is on the Quidditch team, even. He’s…happy, and he’s thrivin,g and I feel like you might have something to do with that.”

“Might?”

“He speaks of you..a lot. Professor Black, this and Professor Black, that in his letters. No eleven year old should be this interested in Astronomy,” James said, and Sirius chuckled softly, “Without even physically being there, you’re there in my home. Are you happy with that?”

“Quite,” Sirius grinned back, nodding to the bartender as they returned their drinks. James watched as Sirius’s hand reached forward to give James his butterbeer first before taking his own drink. The gold watch on Sirius’s wrist was familiar now. So were the growing tattoos that trickled onto the top of his hand and wrapped around his fingers, having seen them in the parent-teacher conferences held throughout the term, but it didn’t make them less exciting. Intriguing. “Cheers, Potter.” Sirius raised his glass, holding eye contact with James as their drinks made a small clink together.

James took a drink of his butterbeer, running through conversation starters in his head, not wanting this interaction to finish just yet, not wanting his friends to notice his absence and have him not be in the middle of an animated conversation that simply couldn’t be disrupted. 

“Okay, you’re off the clock, not a professor anymore?”

“I’m not sure it works that way, if someone needed assistance, wouldn’t you help them?” Sirius asked.

“Sure, but I don’t think anyone in this pub will be asking for an astronomy lesson anytime soon, though I’m sure they’re riveting.”

“I’m off the clock,” Sirius confirmed.

“Then I have to know,” James started, “Is Snape still a slimy arsehole? And how pissed was he when you were given the Head of House position? I think I would’ve paid money--no, I would’ve had you pay money-- for me to be a fly on the wall for that conversation. He’s been teaching there for years, hasn’t he? You come in and take over. Do you think he cried? Do you think if we found a journal, he’d have a whole page dedicated to the moment you ruined his career?” James could’ve stopped talking. James could’ve asked one question and let Sirius answer. 

Except.

Sirius’s smile grew the longer he spoke, and Sirius started laughing. And through all the parent-teacher conferences and run-ins at Quidditch games in the past year, James learned that Sirius Black had the best laugh on the planet, and there was very little James wouldn’t say or do, to get him laughing. To keep him laughing. 

And James couldn’t decide what was worse.

Wanting to fuck your son's professor into the ground.

Or simply having a sickening, schoolboy crush on your son's professor.

And having to sit through meetings, pretending his heart wasn’t racing and wasn’t distracted by curls and cheekbones and long eyelashes. And waiting to see if a letter would come that day because days when he received post from Professor Black were the best days James would have (aside from days he received post or a mirror call from Harry). 

At least when they were meeting up, hooking up, and ravaging each other senseless, there was a point and an end, and James knew that he could walk out a door and not think about it twice. But the slow conversations, and the laughter, and the getting to know Sirius Black was devestating.

Because Sirius was smart, and it no longer annoyed James.

Because Sirius was quick, and funny, and James wanted to laugh with him.

Because Sirius was generous, and kind, and a million other things that James hadn’t bothered to realize before, and it was positively, absolutely, horrible. And wonderful. 

And it was all James could do, sitting there and easily talking with Sirius--another round for the both of them--until it grew dark outside and James's friends had gone home. Scarcely anyone around but the two of them as they peeled themselves off of bar chairs, Sirius tipping the staff handsomely, and ventured outside. 

Warm summer breeze.

“Are you at Hogwarts for the summer?” James asked, “Or will you be returning home?”

“A little bit of both. Tend to some house maintenance that was forgotten throughout the year…may decide to vacation somewhere else…” Sirius shrugged. James tried to school his face, so he didn’t look quite so put out at the response. All James really wanted to know was where will you be so I can find an excuse to write you. “Why do you look weird?” Sirius asked, “Is it because you’ve never considered I might take a vacation?” Apparently James had done a poor job of hiding anything.

Or perhaps Sirius had been watching him as well.

“Well now that you mentioned it…”  James trailed off but then stopped walking, running a hand nervously over the back of his next, “But…I was more asking for…in case…we need to write you. Homework…help, you know.”

A slow smirk appeared on Sirius face, and James instantly regretted saying anything, “Are you going to miss me, Potter?”

“Shut up. Forget it,” James rolled his eyes, making to continue their walk out of Hogsmeade. James unsure of where they were heading in the first place, but knowing he just wanted to follow Sirius.

“Just hold on,” Sirius said, grabbing James’s wrist and stopping him, “I’ll write you. Wherever I’m at.”

“...That…yeah, that’d be..good. I guess. If you want.”

Sirius pulled James wrist lightly so James was facing him more directly. The two of them standing face-to-face, locked, like statues in a garden. James took a step forward, toes of their shoes meeting on the dirt of the Hogsmeade pathway. 

“I don’t want to play games anymore. I’m tired of the running and leaving, and I won’t do it anymore with you,” Sirius said, his voice low and steady, “So I’ll say, I’m going to write you plenty this summer. And I might ask you to come join me for a drink again, or dinner, or even to my spectacular vacation home. And you can protest when I foot the bill, and I’ll…roll my eyes when you say something ridiculous, and…we’ll go on. Because I want to spend every irritating minute with you.” 

James knew how he must’ve looked. Astounded and stupid, mouth half-hanging open, listening to every word Sirius had said.

Blame it on age, or time passing, but James knew didn’t want to play games anymore either.

“So…you’ll write then?”

“Yeah, I’ll write, tosser,” Sirius said with a half grin, one of his fingers hooking into the belt loop of James’s jeans and pulling him closer. James took the opportunity, now that they were in such close proximity, to brush a stray dark curl out of Sirus’s face, securing his hand at the base of Sirius’s next.

“You’re so beautiful.” James couldn’t help himself. Words slipping out carelessly. 

“I know,” Sirius responded quickly.

“Okay, bloody arrogant--” James mumbled into Sirius’s laughing mouth, unable to finish his sentence without tongues and lips getting in the way. James kept his hand on Sirius’s neck and felt Sirius pull him closer, their chests pressed together. In the middle of Hogsmeade, for once not thinking about who would see or what he was doing. 

It was freeing. 

“Come over,” Sirius said against his mouth, breaking the kiss.

“What for?” James asked. Playing with fire. Some old habits would never die.

Sirius’s voice dropped, “So I can fuck you into my very expensive mattress. I’ll make you cum all over my sheets, and when you think you’re finished, I’ll do it all over again,” he said, tugging on his belt loop again, and James reflexively put a hand on Sirius’s chest to stop himself from stumbling forward at the force. “Come over,” Sirius repeated. 

It wasn’t the first time they had been there, James writhing underneath Sirius’s, face pressed against a pillow covered in silky material. Sirius with James’s hand tangled in his hair, pushing his head down. 

The mess of it all. James purposely laying Sirius down in the soaking wet spot on the sheets. Sirius teasing, teasing, teasing until James unraveled completely. 

“You were right,” James said, lying next to Sirius in bed, a clock ticking in the silence, as both of them caught their breath. Sirius’s leg thrown over James’s hips. James's fingers still stuck in Sirius's curly hair. Just in case he was tempted to go again.

“Probably. About what, specifically?”

“All those years ago. In the locker room? It wasn’t the last time. Not by a long shot.”

[e-vay]

Hi!! First of all, I'm a BIG fan of yours and I love your work! My question is, do you still have your first reference sheet or your first design ideas for Aurora? Or maybe the names you have thought to give her? I'd love to know more about our girl!

Thank you so very much! I really appreciate that 🥰

A long time ago I posted a compilation of Aurora's designs throughout the years. She started out pink, then she was purple, then powder blue, then back to pink haha.

I'll give you the full rundown of Aurora's history but it's not all sunshine and rainbows, so buckle up!

When I very first started drawing her, her personality and background were COMPLETELY different. She was more of a reflection of all the shit I was going through at the time and she was my coping mechanism (🎶childhood trauma🎶). She was from a mechanoid, dystopian future and she was orphaned at a young age, so she was a very jaded character. She ended up traveling back in time and actually getting to meet Sonic and Amy (during the time we see them in the games), but she was really bitter and resentful towards them. I only have this one scan of a drawing from that era, I lost everything else:

I really do not know when this was drawn, but based on the art style and trying to recall what my living situation was like at the time, I am guessing this was probably around 2001.

Then between 2004-2006, things in my life started to drastically change again and so I don’t know, I guess I decided to reevaluate things? I don’t remember a lot from this time —again, childhood trauma—so I don’t remember exactly what sparked the change. But I think I was like "Wait a minute, Sonic and Amy and Aurora don't deserve this. I’ve been making this all about me. Let me try again." So then I rebuilt Aurora the proper way, thinking about what traits she’d inherit from her parents and the way they would raise her, and thinking about just how fun a family the three of them would be (because the ideals of “fun” and “adventure” are so important to both Sonic and Amy so of course they would make for a fun family). So that’s where her personality and relationship with Sonic and Amy became what you know it as today.

I fell out of the Sonic phase for awhile and was focused on other interests for several years, and then around 2014 I came back to Aurora and that’s where I ended up with her current design. Even then I was experimenting with her interests and motivations, and this is when I gave her the power of light. It just seemed to really suit her and I thought both Sonic and Amy are just such pure sources of light and love that it made sense for it to physically manifest as a power in her.

The one thing that's never changed was her name. She was always named Aurora, even from the very beginning.

I know this was a LOT of personal info about my own life, but my history played a huge part in the initial concept of Aurora which is so insanely different from the Aurora you all know, so that’s why I figured I’d explain.

[goddessxdivine]

SydCarmy’s sex life based on this @thoughtfulchaos773 reply:

love this take because i also see a lot of ppl saying syd is the dominant one. and i don’t disagree but …. she’s the golden retriever. i think the black cat/golden retriever dynamic suits Carmy and Sydney, respectively. the black cat/golden retriever are both dominant and leaders but it just depends on when. this dynamic has two people that are dominant in different ways at different times, especially depending on their mood.

in the black cat/golden retriever dynamic, i think syd is dominant in a golden retriever way. black cat can be seen as more nonchalant than golden retriever. black cat isn’t always going to bring the excitement so they can hang back while golden retriever does the talking and socializing but black cat can take the reins when necessary. whereas golden retriever is more sociable and energetic so its easier to consider them as dominant. but when golden retriever has used up all their energy, black cat can step up in the role of being dominant.

i think syd and carm are that het relationship we see often in real life, the one where the woman is the more lively one and she’s headstrong. think about the kind of girl who has her opinions and will voice them, and has her own threshold for the kind of bullshit she’ll accept. again, she’s headstrong. which to everyone else makes her the leader of their relationship. this may be true. she may oftentimes steer the ship except in the bedroom

for some reason the only real life example i can think of is Rihanna. there’s this discourse of whether Rihanna is dominant or submissive sexually (it’s no one’s business really, but for the purposes of this). if you’ve seen the conversation around this then you’re familiar with the idea that Rihanna is a strong woman, who is a leader, and doesn’t take bullshit. in the bedroom, however, she does not mind being led at all.

the kind of woman who will go toe to toe with a man over what they consider worth it, is the same woman who will let a man she considers worth it to tell her “lay down, spread your legs, let me see that throbbing juicy puss”

not trying to be weird as i say this, but i speak from personal experience. and the conversation feels reductive and the verbiage feels like a setback for women’s rights advancement lmao but bear with me. as someone who is considered “a mouthy woman”, the only time I’ll allow a man to tell me to shut up is sexually. I’d never let a man talk to me crazy. matter of fact, most men i come across learn quickly that I don’t play those games lol but when it comes to sex, there something enticing about a man who knows how to take the lead. and this doesn’t mean he has a lengthy resume of sexual experience. it just means that he knows how to be in command.

this to me, is Sydney and Carmy’s relationship. the way people are socially can be but is not always telling of how they are in the bedroom. specifically in social situations, you may see Syd be more talkative and command the room (think: the Ever funeral) but that doesn't necessarily mean she's always in command. i think sexually it’s 60/40 (not a real estimate lol) where he’s dominant at least 60% of the time and the other 40% is left to circumstance. unless your romantic relationship has an established "this is my dom, i am a sub" dynamic, most relationships are going to shift between who takes the lead. this is where I can see the "Syd is a dom and Carm is her sub" idea.

sexually, Carmy is likely to be so in tune with Syd and her body that he’s the metronome ensuring the tempo and the pitch of her sexual pleasure. this is where i think the "Carmy is a munch" idea is very accurate. he wants to make her feel good and know he's the reason she does. but because the dynamic shifts who is in the lead, there are times where she's the one saying "lay down . i want to make you feel good" or "get on your knees, eat me"

tl:dr Carmy is usually more sexually dominant than Syd but they switch

[happy-snake-noises]

In honour of getting my snakebites pierced I’d like to offer the Batfam and what piercings I think they would get:

Bruce: got his lobes pierced years ago by the time he has kids, they’ve closed up and you can barely tell they were there unless you’re really looking

Dick: he got a helix piercing right after Bruce fired him from being Robin in and act of teenage rebellion — I also think later on a couple years after Tarantula, he gets a Prince Albert to force himself take care of his genitals and associate them with a different experience

Jason: a tongue piercing — something he knew was there but was never really visible unless somebody thought to look + it never gets caught on his helmet

Cass: snakebites, for the character probably because the piercings make you think of your speech so much and she wants a small reminder that she can communicate (but really I just think they’re cool and we can match)

Steph: so many ear piercings, arguably the most of the entire family but they’re all well healed and changed from the original jewellery she was pierced with

Tim: septum because he’s gay because Kon convinced him to get it done

Duke: regular love piercings and a nose stud, I again can’t justify why he’d do it, I reckon he’d just like the aesthetic

Damien: only has his lobes pierced for the moment but his jewellery is a little longer than typically masculine earrings because he’s been around the drama team that is the rest of the Wayne’s and they remind him of his mum too

Honourable mentions:

Babs: conch piercing and a daith—she doesn’t believe the daith actually alleviates migraines but placebo effect is still an effect

Kate: rejected eyebrow piercing—her first piercing she received consciously (not her first set as an infant) and decided she was good after the first rejected

[write-it-like-disaster]

I wouldn’t say that I’m old exactly, but I will say that I’m probably quite a bit older than the average tumblr user, so my fan fiction experience is a bit different.

I come from a time (“it’s been 84 years…”) when there was very little LGBTQIA+ representation in media, and the characters that were around tended to be minor, with limited background and development (I sure did love Maggie Doyle, though. Can I get an ‘amen’?). The gayest thing on TV up through my high school years was probably Will & Grace and Tara and Willow from Buffy.

Like, seriously, that was it. The L Word didn’t even come out til my second year of college. And it wasn’t until after the Clexa debacle that media eased up on the ‘bury your gays’ trope and we finally started to get lasting, fully developed queer characters.

So, what I’m saying is, is that for a very very long time queer folk especially had to create their own content, based off of subtext and lots of imagination. And even then, there wasn’t an amazing database to go to, to pull up whatever pairing for whatever show you wanted. It took some digging. I remember logging on to the AOL (dial up mind you) and somehow stumbling across a Spice Girls vampire AU fic on someone’s personal website when I was in middle school and just being COMPLETELY OBSESSED with it, scouring the internet for Buffy/Faith and Maggie Doyle fanfic, consuming everything I could find. And this made me feel normal and not so alone, because I knew there were other people out there reading this stuff too.

I wrote fanfic when I was in high school, but never even considered sharing it, too afraid I’d be found out somehow by people in real life but also because I didn’t think my writing was good enough for others to read. I couldn’t even fathom that anyone would want to read my gay little stories (though I have to say, several of them were probably better than some of the stuff I’ve written as an adult). And then I just stopped. Life got busy and fanfic just wasn’t an outlet that I had time for.

I didn’t start to consistently read or write fanfic again til a couple of years ago (so that’s a 20+ year gap, yikes) but it’s been awesome to have that sense of community and belonging again. And this time around I felt comfortable enough to actually share my work with others, it’s been so nice, especially hearing that something I wrote resonated with a reader or gave them goosebumps or just impacted them in some way. I never thought my writing would be able to do that!

So, knowing how much it can mean to an author and how much work goes into writing a fic, I always try to leave positive comments on works I read and like. I guess because I don’t take it for granted, having all these amazing stories at my fingertips, and I’m incredibly grateful.

What does fanfiction mean to you?

I'm asking this question because today I came across some ugly, mean-spirited, catty behavior towards a fic author that I haven't seen in a very, very long time, and I think it's important we discuss it as a community.

Y'all know how long I've been doing this? Fanfiction, that is.

Eighteen years.

I've posted across different platforms, on different handles, in different ways for a long, long time. More than half of my life at this point, from fourteen years old.

Fanfiction is how I personally engage with fandom the most. It's THE most important thing to me, frankly, because it is the common thread between each and every single fandom I have ever participated in.

It's self-expression to me. Folk art. Collaborative and fun. I truly hope that most people who engage in fanfiction learn what it is to beta for someone even if you don't write yourself. It can be a fantastic experience in and of itself. Being the backboard to someone else's ideas, watching as they take genuine joy out of spinning a story together to put onto the page, seeing it come to life before anyone else and feeling almost as proud as the author themselves after they finally post it.

It's ultimately why I decided to make this post far more positive and productive than the angry, grumpy, blood boiling rant that I initially was churning over in my mind after the horrible posts I saw earlier.

I'll detail them here purely for context because I think it's important to recognize toxic fandom behavior when we see it. And speak out when we stumble across it.

The first post lauded itself as an 'honest review' of a popular fanfiction in a community I am a part of. That honest review was nothing more than a pop-critique filled with a sort of catty, snarky write up that is so popular nowadays online purely to gain clout more than to act as actual, constructive criticism. It was unnecessary and acted as though the fanfiction author was a professional, New York Times Bestseller rather than someone devoting hours of their free time and effort into a hobby that is ultimately meant to be fun and pleasant.

The second post by the same person claimed that their friend had challenged them to write their own version of the premise of this fanfiction under a read more cut. It spent some time applying a thin veneer of so-called respect to the original author, but was merely nothing more than contempt really. I simply fail to see the need to ever do this while publicly attaching an author's name and work title and arrogantly parade your own work as superior to their own. Why tear down someone else?

I pushed back against them directly on this post, they took it down, but not before childishly trying to excuse their actions and claiming that 'if someone is publicly posting, then they should be able to handle vocal criticism.'

But you know what? One, what that person was doing was not constructive criticism. I think back to the beta session I had with a friend right after this incident and I think to myself, how sad must it be that this is what this person thinks is valuable criticism. That this is the way they chose to engage with the fanfiction community and thought they were in the right to do so.

Two, and perhaps even more importantly, people are accountable for the things that they post. The things that they say. It would have cost this person nothing to never make those posts in the first place. To never risk an author coming across a mean-spirited and malicious teardown of the work they put hours into and risk harming their self-esteem, mental health, or confidence in their own writing.

Because we do not know who these people are behind their handles. We do not know if they're new to writing. If they are experienced but going through a tough time. There are real people who write the content you choose to consume.

Fanfiction is a collaborative process. Writers provide the free content, and it is the reader's responsibility to know when their input would be valuable.

Is what you have to say helpful? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

If the feedback you want to provide does not hit at least two of those things, what you have to say does not matter. Period.

And I daresay that in the vast majority of cases, kindness should be considered mandatory out of the three.

In return, writers will often throw in ideas they've read out of reviews, they'll reach out to their most ardent followers for things like beta-ing or joining a discord server nowadays. There's always been a give and take in this community.

Fanfiction is a cornerstone of fandom for a reason. And it is particularly important in the queer community, going all the way back to actual physical magazines in which people mailed in their KirkxSpock fic decades ago. Over time we've experimented on the process, moved to countless different platforms, survived collapses of all sorts of communities, only to rally over and over again around each other to be able to tell the tales we wanted to see but were not getting as queer folk amongst mainstream media.

And in that time, it's been long agreed on in this space that you do not tear down another writer to build yourself up. Ever. Period. This has long been the only thing in fanfiction that has been aggressively policed, called out, and nipped in the bud when experienced members of this community come across it.

It will not be tolerated.

I shouldn't have to make this post, but I suppose this is the changing of the guard, so to speak. We have a new generation of fic writers and readers coming into the space daily and while so many of you are wonderful, creative, and welcomed members of this space that has been here long before me or anyone of my age, there are some who do not know how to act in the fanfiction community.

And it is up to us to make it clear in no uncertain terms that they will need to either get with program or be pushed out.

To become the best version of yourself as a writer requires hours of work, of posting again and again, of experimentation, of putting hints of your own life and experiences onto the page. The vast majority of us will never be published, and that's just fine for most of us. We engage in this hobby because of how joyful it can be to write something dear to our hearts, share it with the world, and be validated that others enjoyed the work that we put in.

Frankly, readers will always owe it to us to respect that process and work. To be respectful and kind when interacting with authors. Constructive criticism can be welcomed but perhaps ask if the author is open to it and do not take it personally if they are not. And if they are, then learn how to give it with the writer's best interest in mind rather than your own ego.

I don't ordinarily request reblogs to my posts, I rant into the void and it doesn't matter to me if anyone really interacts on an ordinary day lol. But today, I want to ask that people share this message out in your fandoms, because I will be tagging it in the fandoms I interacted in, both past and present. Because fanfiction is a common thread that unites so many of us, and I think this is an important reminder on how we need to be respectful and kind to one another in this space.

If you feel comfortable, I would also love to hear how fanfiction is important to you. How you got into it. Why you love to either read, write, or beta it.

This is hobby that is meant to be fun, so let's have fun.

[eywaseclipse]

I remember this day so well. I thought I was so cool because I got dropped off at the theater with my friend. I was 12, so doing all of that alone felt huge at the time. I remember how new the 3D movies were to us and how realistic everything looked. Some people even left the theater because they got nauseous lol. After we got picked up I just stared out the car window in this daze wondering what I just witnessed. Because it felt like so much more than just two big blue aliens falling in love. And here we are 15 years later, and my obsession is stronger than ever.

[hootyhoowoo]

A little 15 min doodle but first post of the year has to be Bingqiu!

[ahalliance]

i think the qsmp is very impressive for speedrunning the same love-hate relationship i have with the dsmp in under a year as opposed to the three it took for the other one

[fingertipsmp3]

I am once again having a sexuality crisis (read: wondering if I’m a lesbian or just have been stuck in my hometown for too long yet again and therefore haven’t seen a man who doesn’t look vaguely like a fish in years)

[clegfly]

Small thing I’m cooking for idksomethingclever99’s fic MITPP!! For some reason I’m having trouble tagging them but here’s the fic!!

This seemed fun to do… probably won’t get more done than this page though…

[himblebo]

Again again thinking

[lesbianfakir]

Princess tutu tulpa save me save me save me princess tutu tulpa

[mcybree]

im crying these results are actually so fucking funny. still putting scott in jail but to the three Everyone Sucks Here voters. I love you

[your-local-grinning-cat]

Would you perchance not be opposed to a coffee shop outing with me?

(If you're not purrticularly fond of coffee, a cafe or other little restaurant is always another option)

💖

😸 Purrfect kitty pun, Darlin! I appurrove! 🫶

As for going out to a coffee shop, cafe, or restaurant… I’m open to any! *chuckles and grins*

While I’m not very fond of coffee, coffee shops usually have other goodies that I am fond of! If not tea, then hot chocolate or I can always order a double chocolate chip Frappuccino if we’re at Starbucks or a place that is willing to make a copycat drink for me! 😸

And even if there’s not a drink for me and I just have to get water, most places like that would have yummy snacks to eat. While I don’t think any would be able to top Trey’s terrific treats, they can always try! And it’s always fun tasting them! 😹

Cafes and restaurants fall into a same category - as long as you find one with a fairly sizable menu, anyone can find anything! And I’m generally an easy kitty to please when it comes to food…

GIVE ME DAIRY OR GIVE ME DEATH!!!! 🥛🧀🍨

…and meat. I love meat too! 🥓🥩🍗🌭🍔🍣🍤

I think I joked with someone when I was catnipped that dairy was bad for cats - and it IS, don’t feed cats dairy they don’t actually appreciate milk it hurts their tummies - but I am not actually a cat. I am a cat beastman. And therefore I can have dairy and I do have dairy and I love dairy.

Give me all the grilled cheeses with bacon and chicken alfredos and breakfast casseroles with egg, cheese, and bacon or ham or both!!!!!!!!! 🤤

…but I’m also fine with just about anything! *laughs, appearing next to you and rubbing my cheek against you, purring and smiling at you*

As long as the two of us can find a way to have fun, I think I’d be fine going anywhere with you, Darlin~! 😸