#because I don't trust myself to stay awake if i go home

[spockandawe]

Wowie zowie, i went straight from office to airport, then coming back i went straight from airport to office, and these decisions make sense from a 'these are the work things i need to accomplish' perspective, but the ragrets are currently being expressed as a stream of indistinct upset hurgling right now

[biscuitdolly]

୨ৎ absolute necessities .ᐟ

if you're trying to glow up, get healthier, etc, these are the very basics that you absolutely NEED to follow!

01, WATER .ᐟ

Staying hydrated is crucial for your health and wellbeing. While the recommended daily intake is 8 cups of water, you can gradually increase your consumption over a few weeks if that seems too overwhelming. Drinking enough water provides numerous benefits, from clearing skin and flushing out waste, to boosting exercise performance and supporting weight loss. Despite being the very essence that sustains life, water is often underappreciated.

02, FOOD .ᐟ

I used to skip breakfast, thinking it would help me lose weight. However, studies show that those who eat breakfast tend to lose more weight and keep it off longer. The truth is, food is incredibly important. It's best to regulate your eating habits by consuming at least 3 meals per day, even if they're only small portions. Some food is better than no food. If you want to go on a diet, that's fine! but make sure you research healthy dieting methods. At a minimum, eat one serving of fruits and vegetables daily, and try to increase that to five servings per day if possible. Proper nutrition is key for your overall health.

03, HOBBIES .ᐟ

i have this previous post regarding hobbies you could try! It's so important to find fun activities that you genuinely enjoy and look forward to doing. Hobbies add fun to your life and pose as a nice break from technology and the stress of work and school. They also greatly improve symptoms of depression and anxiety. You could do some physical activity, such as a sport you like, or something more calm and creative, like painting or writing.

04, SLEEP .ᐟ

a lot of people struggle to fall asleep at a decent time. Try getting ready for bed early. Personally, I tend to take off my make up and do my skincare immediately after i come home for school/work so i don't have to worry about it before bed.

Technology is probably your sleeping schedule's worst enemy, as the blue light from the screen keeps your brain awake, so try to pause screen-related activities at least an hour before bed. Also, try not to snack 2 - 4 hours before you go to sleep. This is because lying down makes it harder for your body to digest food, which can result in sleeplessness.

Forcing yourself to go to bed super early isn't helpful either. Like I've mentioned in my other points, take things slow and gradual!

05, SOCIALIZATION .ᐟ

Engaging in simple social interactions, such as conversing with family, seeing friends, or greeting people on the street, is incredibly important. Isolating yourself in your room all day accomplishes nothing.

There was a time when I dreaded spending time with friends, convinced I lacked the energy or mood. However, once I forced myself to make plans, I realized how much I genuinely enjoyed their company. Other people are what make life truly worthwhile. So why not reach out to a friend right now and invite them to hang out tomorrow?

06, ACTIVITY .ᐟ

you don't need an exercise routine if you don't want one, but simple physical activity is still a daily necessity! At least 30 minutes is recommended. Personally, i most enjoy plugging in my headphones and going on a walk around my neighbourhood for an hour or two.

07, SELF TALK .ᐟ

Arguably one of my most important points, quit the self-deprecating talk. You never realize how much it affects you until you quit it. Yes, you can absolutely get that assessment done. Yes, you are a likable and amazing person. Just keep affirming and reminding yourself that you are worthy, and you will attract so many good things. Trust me, it will help you so much in the long run.

[teaffrogy]

Anxiety [Astarion]

SUM. Anxiety and stress have been eating at you. Till you broke.

Fem Reader(You/Tav) X Astarion (takes place in Act 3)

A/N: I am not feeling well mentally, and I just want comfort, so I am giving myself some sort of comfort. I am struggling with anxiety and depression. I am seeing a therapist, but my life is making me want to quit.

Tw(?): Talks a lot about Anxiety and stress

You haven't slept.

It's been two days since you haven't been able to sleep properly. You'd stir in your bedroll or just look outside of the flaps of your tent. What was keeping you awake? Anxiety.

Anxiety of going Back Home, getting this weird tadpole out of you, having to find find the two neteratones who two powerful people have, help Karlach with her engine and worry about what happens next for her, and so so but so much more from everyone else in the camp. Your stomach was killing you. You'd even throw up at random because of the stupid fucking Anxiety that was eating at you. Every encounter leads to new situations that cause even more anxiety.

And some of your companions Have noticed you not leaving your tent for two days. One is because you fall asleep and wake up super Late, the other is because you don't want to go out. You haven't been leaving because you don't want to encounter more situations And the current ones, you are avoiding everything, everyone. And it makes you feel even more worse about yourself than ever because of how much you've been avoiding it.

Astarion would come in to Ask if you are alright but you just said yes. He even asks you to go on a night walk with him since he saw you not sleep at night. But you kindly refused saying he needs to rest too. He would say you two could simply stay. in your tent and he Can just read. But you said no. Shadowheart would come to your tent to ask if you are alright, you'd say you're fine, just tired, but she knew something was wrong and it was bugging her. Gale too, he'd ask or even bring you your favorite meal he made but you wouldn't even touch it. If you did eat You'd just end up throwing it up.

“Do you think she is pregnant?” Karlach asks. “You think so? She's been throwing up.” Shadowheart says. “She is not pregnant!” Gale yells. “And how would you know?” Astarion asks, and Gale says nothing. “Well, I don't think it's because of her being pregnant, I think she'd know if she is. Plus, she seems down.” Wyll says as he looks at your tent, which you haven't left again. Halsin looks at your tent and sees you turn on a candle. You move around, and half your body is out of the tent, but go back inside and turn the candle off. Halsin sighs and looks at everyone. “She is avoiding something or someone.” He says.

Someone? But who?

And they started to point fingers at who. First, it was Astarion(of course) they had thought that their relationship had ended which caused you to lock yourself Away, but it hasn't, it is a good relationship. Then it was Gale. Maybe she was scared he'd blow up! But it was false. You two had talked privately about this. Then it was Wyll. Maybe she was scared of Misora? But no, you had told him you wanted to fight her. Then Karlach, again, burns and blows up. But again, you had ressured Her that you trusted her. Then Shadowheart, her beliefs in Shar maybe were too much for you. Again, you told her as well that it didn't matter to you at all. Halsin…there wasn't really anything wrong. No one had nothing to say about him.

So what was it?

Laezel? But she said that you two were good, that for them to assume something like that was idiotic.

And They gave up. It was either because you hated someone and they didn't know why or you were pregnant. Which are two bad options, but what else?

You couldn't sleep again.

Everyone was in their tents, asleep. You were culled up into a ball as you thought of everything that simply kept coming, and your stomach was killing you again. You wanted to throw up, but at the same time, you didn't. You didn't want to throw up what you had eaten. Gale had made your favorite food. It would be sad if you just threw it up.

And the thoughts are quiet now. They just stopped. You breathed carefully and heard footsteps. It's Astarion. He probably came back from a haunt. You smiled at the thought of him, but the thoughts came back.

What would he think of me now? Does He think I'm disgusting? God, what if he just wants to end things? Does he love me? What am I doing wrong?

It was getting hard to breathe. Your eyes would move from one place to another in seconds and you sat up. Your vision starts to blur as you try to look around. You try to speak but you just make a weird sound like a cry. You cover your mouth and just cry. You hugged the pillow again and covered your face in it as you cried. You could Feel your pillow Start to get soaked as your tears would hit it.

And the flaps to your tent Open. You look up and see Astarion. “Darling?” He calls. You were a mess. Your whole tent was really. He looks at you, hugging your pillow as you try to muffle up the sobs and cries. He sits next to you, not really knowing what to do. He was never really comforted before. Only by you after Cazedor Died. He was crying, shaking and you simply pulled him into a hug and let Him cry it all out until he stopped.

He pulls the pillow away from your face and you sob, avoiding looking at him. He lifts your chin Up and you look into his eyes, his gorgeous red eyes. They reminded you of garnets. Those eyes that shined after he had drinken from you. But today, they looked hurt, worried.

He gently kisses your forehead and then pulls you into a hug. You stood there, frozen for at least 5 seconds before your eyes started to water again, and you wrapped your arms around him. And you just cried. You just cried as you hugged Him, and that's when you spilled it all. “I am so tired!” You say and bury your face on his chest. Your crying starts to calm down. “I have so much to do. I- I just-” You sniffed and sighed. “I am tired. I haven't slept for 2 days, and I have such bad anxiety.” You say as you stopped hugging, but he still is holding on to you. You fidget with the end of the button to his shirt. “Wyll, we have To help him rescue his dad, Karlach, we need to find Dammon so he can see if he can fix her engine, Shadowheart, She has these people after her because she betrayed Shar and now we need to also find her parents, Gale, We Find a book and now he wants the crown of the Elder brain, Laezel well… she is cool.” You smiled, and Astarion chuckles at the end. But he notices everything that is put on you.

Everyone expects you to do something or help them with something. Make huge decisions For them as well. Since the very beginning. “You don't think I'm cool?” He asks and you nod. “You aren't. You are amazing.” You say and he hugs you tighter. “I'm sorry.” you say.

“Don't Apologize Darling.” He says as he pulls from the hug to look at you. “You may feel like you are doing this all by yourself. But you aren't.” He says as he brushes your hair behind your ear. “I'm here. And also I suppose everyone else here as well.” He says and you nod. You felt like crying again but your head hurt. “Also I heard you all talking and what the hell is up with you all thinking I am pregnant?”

“I never thought you were! You know I am not good with kids. I am not risking it to burst myself instead yo-”

“Shush!” You cover his mouth and he grins. “You are sometimes too loud.” You say and he nods. And you two are quiet. You don't know if you would sleep tonight or Would even leave your tent. You were still anxious as to what was coming. But, at least you know you aren't alone now.

“I know you won't sleep tonight, Darling. Would I interest you in a bath? And after a lovely love session?” He says as he holds your hand and brings it to his lips, placing a kiss. He then gets close to you and kisses you. You smile in the kiss. After a couple of minutes of kissing, you pull away and look at him. You nod. "I'd love that.” You say as you hold on to his hand.

“I love you Astarion.” It felt weird saying it. You two don't say it often, but it has a lot of meaning for you two after everything you two have gone through.

“I love you too Darling.”

[oniikabuto]

hi i hope this doesnt seem annoying bc i have never requested anything from ppl IDK it makes me anxious 😭 but ur one bed for sp was so cute i adore ur writing !!! do u think u could do it for craigs gang + butters?

one bed! part 2

-- sfw --

part one (main 4 boys)

characters: butters stotch, craig tucker, tweek tweak, tolkien black, jimmy valmer, clyde donovan

a/n: you arent annoying at all dws!! ty for being my first request this is monumental. oh and i wasnt sure if tweek counted as part of craigs gang or not but i adore him so i made one for him. also thank you!!!!!! ;; also jimmy is so underrated i love him so much mwagh

notes: i cant write clyde for shit idk he has no personaluty sorry i love him though; same character dynamic as part 1 (mutual pining, character has a crush on the reader)

— ⛧ b. stotch

complains that it's past his bedtime, but gives in because he wants to spend time with you.

"it's past nine already!"

"well.. yeah. it isn't that late, butters."

"but i always sleep at nine!"

but he'll sit through movies with you anyways because he has a fat crush on you.

except when the end credits start rolling, you look over at butters and he's curled up in a ball, snoring.

you don't have the heart to wake him up, so you quietly shut your laptop and move it off your bed.

he'll probably get in trouble for not coming home at all, but his parents trust you enough. you can probably talk them out of grounding him tomorrow morning.

"butters", you whisper. "leo, you gotta move."

he rolls over, half-asleep and dazed. "huh..?"

"you're staying with me tonight. scoot over."

"o-oh, jeez, okay", he blushes when he feels the warmth of you next to him.

"night, butters."

he's probably praying he doesnt wet the bed he would actually die

murmurs in his sleep and talks about nonsense

drools like a puppy

probably goes mimimimimi like in the cartoons /j

you will wake up with his arm around you. if you move it, he'll find his way back again in his sleep

looks like a baby when he sleeps its so funny you cant help but take photos



— ⛧ c. tucker

you turn around to tell him it's getting late and ask if he needs a ride home

and he's dead asleep. on the floor. textbook over his lap. snoring very softly.

like no wonder it's been so quiet... as you were doing your homework, craig was asleep on your floor.

you felt so bad having to wake him up to move him to your bed

"craig, i'm so sorry. i got distracted, i didn't mean to-"

"it's fine. just let me sleep in the corner. i like your plushies", he yawns.

so he sleeps in the corner against the wall, and you sleep on the outside to make sure he doesn't roll right off the bed.

if you weren't there, he definitely would have bc when you wake up, he's smushed into you.

how can he breathe???

he also violently gnashes his teeth and it's very startling (my brother did that as a kid and i would almost pee myself in fear)

and he'll randomly put his hand somewhere like your face?????? the way he does it is so funny because it always seems like he's wide awake but you look over and he's mouth breathing and sound asleep

yeah he's a mouth breather

it's okay he's a cutie



— ⛧ t. tweak

passes the fuck out from coffee. like CRASHES

"yeah and then i was telling kyle about how- tweek, you okay?"

"tired....... can i go.....mmfjkg"

like at a certain point past 1am he just turns into a dead slug

poor thing

you just send him up to your bedroom and get him a change of clothes so that he doesn't have to sleep in a button-up

except by the time you get up to your room, he's dead asleep.

you don't bother trying to wake him up, since you've never seen him sleep so peacefully.

he's curled up on his side, face buried in your plushies.

you scoot in next to him, so close that you can smell the milky coffee lingering in his hair.

it's kinda nice

in the middle of the night you wake up to a really strange noise.

it's tweek

he's doing this weird clicky thing with his tongue in his mouth in his sleep

like. okay?????? you go back to sleep

and then he flings his whole arm over and WHACKS you hard in the face

"TWEEK??"

"nhg..,"

he just randomly jerks in his sleep, wakes up for a second and falls back asleep

it's very startling

sometimes you have to hold him down with your arms

he loves it



— ⛧ t. black

actually a super chill guy to sleep with

he's enjoyable to have over

you'll both be studying for midterm exams next week, and he yawns

"it's like. ten. do you just wanna spend the night here?"

"is that, uh- is that okay with you?"

"yeah, my room's upstairs. i'll meet you up there in a sec"

he'll text his mom that he's spending the night because he's actually responsible

gets a little embarassed to sleep in your bed

but a win is a win

gets a LOT embarassed when you get in bed with him

falls asleep pretty fast actually

he's a relatively normal sleeper

spends like 30 minutes in the bathroom washing his face and stuff before he goes to bed

"do you have cleanser?"

sleeps like a rock

except for when he randomly talks

like TALKS. clear as day

scares you shitless

"y/n."

'tolkien??? are you up still??"

"why would you do that."

"do what??"

"grape juice"

and then he'd roll over and go back to sleep

does not remember any of his nighttime conversations in the morning

"i said that? are you sure?"



— ⛧ j. valmer

fell asleep on your couch in the middle of a horror movie

to your dismay

because when you turned away from the screen and grab at him in fear, he's SNORING. his ass is SNORING as the clown violently murders the main character.

"jimmy!"

"what?"

you just make a jokingly-angry face at him.

"it's late. can't i ju-just stay h-h-here?"

"well- i mean, sure, but you can't just sleep on the couch, dude. come up to my room, i'll show you."

"re-really?"

grins ear to ear

hes so down bad for you

almost implodes when you lean his crutches against the door and make sure they won't fall

DOES implode when you get in next to him

he smells like dish soap but in a good way

like citrus

you tell him so, and to that he makes a stupid "orange-you happy i'm here" joke

"jimmy, go to sleep."

"f-fine."

makes sure he's got the elastics for his braces in

in the middle of the night he'll whisper your name

"y/n r u still up"

"yeah what"

"i just thought of something really funny"

it gets old so fast but it's okay he's cute



— ⛧ c. donovan

crashes at 8pm after insisting he can pull an all-nighter

refuses to get up unless you drag him by his ankles

and even then he'll lay on the floor like a dead fish

so you just let him stay

meticulously brushes his hair sideways with wet fingers to make sure he doesn't wake up with a bedhead in front of you

he does anyway.

you walk up behind him as he moves his hair "whatcha doin?"

he jumps THREE FEET and whirls around

"nothing!" as if he's hiding a government secret or sum

once you guys r in bed he stops acting all tough and cool and just freaks out

his back will be turned but he's beet red

breathes really loudly when he falls asleep

and sleeps in ATROCIOUS positions

you'll wake up with his foot on your chest and the blanket flipped upside down

someone needs to belt this boy down to the bed or something

he's really a cute sleeper though

sometimes you wake up and see him face-down in a pillow and move him over to make sure he doesn't like. suffocate

and then he wakes up to you on top of him with no context

"....y/n?"



[malavera]

Tom Cruise & Characters Masterlist

SERIES

Dad's Best Friend

From The Window

Low Profile

ONESHOTS

(m) smut, (f) fluff, (a) angst

Sundress, You and tom are about to have lunch but when he sees you wearing his favorite sundress, lunch could wait for at least 15 minutes. (m)

Intruder, Tom had a very long day, when he came home he didn’t expect anyone to be laying on his comfortable bed, with her legs spread wide and wearing his favorite button up shirt, a moaning mess. (m)

Brat, you guess it; you act like a brat and Tom knows how to get you back in your place. (m)

Blindfolds, you blindfolded Tom Cruise. (m)

"You forgot I was young once?", You teased Tom for being old, you joked how his knees would crush if you were to ask him to eat you out. Tom felt belittled, challenged, so he wants to prove you wrong.

"The Cool Guy", Your husband’s co-star sent you this pic of Tom at work. And you thought he looked so Cool and young, which you find cute. You couldn’t help but wanting to climb on top of him like your own personal jungle gym. (m)

Needy, you're being needy at the wrong place and time. Tom then showed you the consequences when you don't keep your hands to yourself. (m)

Insomnia, Tom figured out how to stop you from tossing and turning in bed. (m)

Seek Warmth, Skipping the Oscars, you and Tom chose to stay in bed. (m,f)

Save Up, Shower sex with Tom after a long day. (m)

Don't Move, a quickie, continuation from seek warmth—Tom is wide awake with a throbbing one as he challenged himself to fill you without waking you up. (m)

Babysitter, you became Joel Goodsen’s babysitter because Joel’s Mother had always liked you. You’re her best friend’s daughter. She’s fully aware that Joel would be alright being alone by himself but she doesn’t really trust him. Little did both of you know, Joel has always had a crush on you. (m) (risky business, joel goodsen)

I’ll show you how I am yours you're being emotional because it's that time of the month, Tom had to assure you for the millionth times that he's not going anywhere. To seal the deal just to convince you, he shows you how he's devoted to you and only you.

Can’t Keep My Hands to Myself Tom couldn’t stop touching you while you’re getting ready to go for a dinner date with the man.

Since Your Type is Older Men (NEW / M) Tom is filled with Jealousy when he sees you Zooming with your University Professor.

HEADCANONS

You're his Sugar Baby

You're his Sugar Baby, valentine's edition

C*ckwarming with Tom

His dirty talk

How he takes care of you when you're on your period

You asked him to Spank you

Manhandled

He’s Got a PraiseKink

[beingdreeyore]

Today has been another day of keeping busy. I'm not sure why I even need to, but I do. Surely it shouldn't bother me anymore?

Yet again I was awake before the sun and home from the gym by 7. The remaining weekend chores were done by 9. Well, except washing the floors. I really hate washing the floors. That chore remains outstanding.

I walked into the city to pickup a bra for a dress I'm not sure I'll ever wear in public. I watched a movie. I had a 10 min nap. Then I woke up to palpitations. They've been coming and going for weeks now. I'd dismissed them as bursts of anxiety or caffeine-related reflux, but taking a manual pulse today I could feel every tenth beat or so getting skipped. So now I'm pacing because I'm not used to this feeling of anxiety anymore. I'm out of practice. It's so nice to be able to say that but so frustrating that it's reared it's ugly head.

It's storming outside and you know how happy that makes me. But... For the first time in a long time I feel lonely. Bored. What do I do with myself now? Listless. Despondent? And I'm annoyed at myself for feeling this way. My life has not changed at all so why am I bothered? I haven't loved him in the longest time and I haven't wanted us to be together for even longer.

I planned to bake gingerbread cookies for work purely because I never have before, but I'm not sure I trust myself not to eat the entire batch when I'm in a mood like this. Although I don't even now if I like gingerbread because I've never had it. It just seemed like a Christmas-y thing to do.

It will settle. In another few days life will hopefully just go back to normal. I have an event to attend later in the week at the Opera House in the dress I purchased the other day. Life will move on in the way it always does. The anxiety will pass. Hopefully the palpitations too.

I just don't know how to not be hurt, sad, and humiliated that after all these years he came to my country, to my city, and he still didn't call or see me. I just wish he hadn't told me and I could've stayed blissfully ignorant in the silence that I'd enforced between us.

I'm back in the land of deep breathing to calm the anxiety and I'm so angry and frustrated at finding myself back here.

[666writingcafe]

Hello, hope you've been well! May I please have an order of,

“Look at you, squirming under me, all flushed and pretty looking. Can’t even take a little teasing, can you?” for Levi with a side of femdom if you don't mind

You've done such lovely work with your menu items, I'm 😍

Order #8

“Look at you, squirming under me, all flushed and pretty looking. Can’t even take a little teasing, can you?” Levi x FemDom!MC

I really wish MC was here right now. Their presence alone would have stopped tonight's dinner conversation in its tracks before it had even begun.

Unfortunately, they're in the human world with Solomon at the moment, running errands and visiting their parents, so I'm stuck having to listen to my brothers talk about pegging.

It predictably started with Asmo recounting one of his latest adventures at the club. Apparently, one of the frequent succubi visitors convinced him to go home with her and have her top him. Normally, I'd pop in my earbuds and drown him out with music, but Lucifer has recently put a ban on using our phones at the dinner table. I get that he wants us to bond as a family or whatever, but if that's the case, then he really ought to set some ground rules for appropriate conversation topics, because I'm pretty sure Asmo's sexual escapades would not make the list. Then, at least I can sit through a whole meal without feeling the need to throw up.

"Don't get me wrong, it was a nice experience, but I felt like something was missing," Asmo tells us. "It was almost like...I didn't trust her authority or something. Isn't that weird?"

"Not necessarily," Satan replies, much to everyone's shock. "Think about it for a second: we've all given control over to someone else. We feel an obligation to serve this particular individual in a way that we haven't ever done previously, which will make it harder for another person to change where our loyalties lie."

"I guess, but there's no way she's done something like that, right? I mean, getting on top and riding is one thing, but to have that much control over someone? Surely she'd think it was crossing a line and potentially abusing her power?" Silence. Lucifer and Beel exchange glances before taking a sip out of their drink, and Mammon's face reddens as he stares down at his plate. I try to take the opportunity to excuse myself so that I can hole up in my room, but Belphie's voice stops me in my tracks.

"MC has, and she will continue doing so." I nearly drop my plate. You would think that I'd be used to my brother's bluntness by now, but there are times where it still catches me off guard.

"And how would you know, Belphie?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Asmo's eyes widen.

"When did this happen?" Belphie shrugs.

"Last time she was staying with us."

"And you did it before me?!"

"You were busy. She didn't want to bother you." Belphie pauses. "Although if you're looking for the person who put the bug in her ear to begin with, I'd focus your attention at the head of the table."

"Seriously, Lucifer?!" I take advantage of the ensuing squabbling to leave the dining room completely. Putting my dirty plate in the sink, I dash up the stairs and into my bedroom, quickly closing the door behind me before sinking down into my gaming chair.

I'm more flustered than anything else. To be honest, I've thought about asking MC to do that sort of thing with me, but I was afraid they wouldn't be into it. But the fact that they've done it multiple times with different people...

I boot up my computer and pull up the human world's take on Solitaire on it. I don't have to think too much about it, and it should distract me from the unwholesome thoughts brewing in my head, at least for a little while.

~~~

Bzz-bzz.

A text notification.

Are you awake?

Shit.

yeah. everything okay?

Yep. Will be outside your door in a moment. I have a present for you.

I swallow nervously as I get up from my chair and walk towards the door. After the events at dinner, I can't imagine MC's visit is going to go all that well; I'm going to end up being a stammering mess.

Turning the door handle, I step out of the way so that she can enter my room. She's wearing a black trench coat, the belt tying it shut around her waist.

"Close the door." I do as she asks, and she mutters something as she draws symbols on the door with her finger. When she's finished, the symbols faintly glow white.

"Making sure no one can barge in and interrupt us," MC explains, stepping away from the door before plopping down on the beanbag chair in the corner.

"Your brother blew up Solomon's phone. He was furious over what was discussed over dinner tonight, and I think Solomon only succeeded in enraging him even more. I figured that if he felt that way, then you'd be moments away from flooding the damn place, and I wanted to make sure you were okay." I know she can see right through my forced laugh.

"I'll be fine," I tell her. "Just a lot to take in, that's all."

"Understandable. Didn't think I'd be into it, but I've come to enjoy making powerful, stoic men whimper and beg for me." Another swallow. I feel my face warm up.

"Solomon's been a bad influence on you," I murmur.

"Oh, I've always been blunt. I just know when to reel it in and when to let it out. Which brings me to my main point." MC stands up and beckons me over to her.

"I want you to unwrap me," she instructs. My brain momentarily shuts down, but then with shaking hands, I untie the coat's belt. MC pulls her arms out of the coat and lets it drop to the floor, revealing...

Fuck.

I find myself dropping to my knees.

It's my color.

"I knew you'd like it," she whispers, gently stroking the plastic strap-on. "I found it the other day at one of the shops Solomon and I stopped through. Wanna touch it?"

I tentatively wrap my hand around it and instantly freeze. It shouldn't feel like that.

"Magic, I'm assuming?" MC nods their head.

"Created to feel like the real thing to the person on the receiving end. They had different colors, and I might go back and get more, but I wanted to test it out with you first, if that's okay with you."

I'm in a daze as she helps me up and guides me over to my bed. A recent purchase, mainly for MC's benefit. The bathtub is too small for two people, after all.

She removes my pants and underwear and tosses them to the side, then reaches over me to grab the lube off the bedside table. Once her fingers are coated adequately, she circles my rim a couple times before sticking one inside.

The sensation makes me squeak, and a couple thrusts have me shaking at her touch. MC giggles.

"Look at you, squirming underneath me with that pretty flush all over your face," she coos. "Can't even take a little bit of teasing, can you?"

Taglist: @lost-in-time-wanderer, @fuzztacular, @dianedancer18, @sweetbrier2908, @flare-love, @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf, @thunderlightning351, @l3v1chan, @anxious-chick, @5mary5, @expressionless-fr, @tenkobitch, @budbuddnbuddy

[yournaothings]

I have a lot of wip, more for myself that I'll probably, most likely never share. But, I was thinking of all the little fics and stories I've been writing.

Undertale, my favorite Sans is Reaper. Yet, I haven't written anything for him. I have an idea for Reaper, but it involves Geno and Goth.

Basically, reader (totally a self insert by the way 👀) is roommates with Reaper and Geno. Simply because she needed a place to stay when she met Reaper. Of course he told her to move in before asking Geno.

Geno isn't happy about this, especially since Goth is about a year old now. Reaper letting a stranger in their home was reckless, but Reaper promised that reader was safe.

Reader moves in, she doesn't own a lot of stuff, so it's easy and mostly stress free. She has a decent job, getting paid minimum wage. She buys her own food and once in a while will cook for Reaper and Geno. (This doesn't happen until after Geno warms up to her.)

Eventually, Reader agrees to babysit Goth. Here is where it gets messy. With more free time, Geno is able to do more and have more time alone (without Reaper around too, lol.) but, Goth starts loving on reader; because she sings to him a lot. So, Goth recognizes her voice and will want her.

Example; Reader wakes in the middle of the night to hear Goth crying. She goes in to check on him; after she cares for him and warms him up something to eat, she lays on the sofa in the living room while cradling him. They fall asleep there.

Geno wakes in the early morning- the sun isn't up yet. He panics and wakes Reaper. "Goth is missing!"

Reaper isn't too concerned, but he does get up and help Geno search for Goth. He could have climbed out of his crib- after all, he was an adventurous little guy.

Geno rushes into the living and sees Reader cradling a snoozing Goth, while she sleeps. He's well protected, positioned to where when he moves or tries to escape, she'll wake up.

Reaper awes, and is quick to snap a picture cause it's so cute!

Geno is /pissed/ but doesn't voice it- his face sure does show it though. Reaper is not bothered. Geno gently removes Goth from reader which startles reader awake. Geno walks away while Reaper calms the reader's worries.

Days go by, reader notices that Geno is giving her the cold shoulder and isn't allowing her to help with Goth unless Reaper has Goth.

And of course, this makes Reader upset. She goes to Reaper about it. "Is Geno angry with me?"

"of course! He's just been busy with other things-"

"Geno acts like I'm going to steal Goth, Reaper. Did I... Overstep?"

"no, of course not. Don't worry about it, I'll talk with him. He's not angry."

Reader isn't convinced, but is left to let it go for now. Until she over hears Reaper and Geno talking about the issue.

"Of course I'm angry! Goth is /my/ child! I'm the parent! She doesn't need to worry about caring for Goth."

Reaper isn't upset and only grins. "She just wanted to help. Don't be angry, just let her know when you need help-"

"I don't need it."

"....you're jealous that Goth has been wanting to spend more time with reader, aren't you?" Reaper finds this funny and tells Geno this. It makes Geno more upset but Geno eventually promises to talk to reader.

Reader hears most of the conversation and walks away. She decides maybe it's best to move out. She's causing problems with Geno and she doesn't mean to. Last thing she needs to do is split the two up.

Reader leaves for work early the next morning, Geno isn't able to speak with her until she comes home. However, it comes to a surprise when she does come home that she tells Geno that she's found a new apartment.

"I can give my next month's payment before I leave."

"Wha- why are you leaving?"

Reader is uncomfortable with confrontation and starts to get nervous and twitchy, ready to run away if needed. (And trust me, in her head, it's needed.)

"... I think I have overstayed my welcome here. So, I figured I'd find somewhere else to live."

Geno is stunned, speechless. All the while, Goth is in his arms, cooing cutely between the adults. He has no idea the stress they're feeling.

"No- reader. You haven't-" He sighs and begins to apologize for his behavior. "I'm just don't want Goth getting hurt." While it's true, he didn't tell her /everything/.

Reader is tense, but soon relaxes. "I understand being protective. I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions-"

She doesn't move out. From then on, her and Geno are on better terms and Reaper is ecstatic about it.

Then begins the love interests.

I know this is pretty messy, this is kinda how I get my plots put down before writing. 😅 Anyway, if anyone is interested in seeing more of this story, let me know.

Fun fact, by the way. My intentions when beginning stories is writing for she/her but I always end up with "they". Which is weird cause I never used to write like that. But, in the end, it makes me happy cause then /everyone/ is able to enjoy. I hope, anyway.

[mj-iza-writer]

Whumptober Day 7

I paced around for hours on empty, I jumped at the slightest of sounds / Alleyway / Radio silence / "Can you hear me?"

"Can you hear me?", a gentle voice called Whumpee from their unconsciousness.

They felt gentle shakes, and light facial taps

Whumpee finally realized someone was touching them, they startled awake. Had they been found.

"Oh geesh, Shh! It's okay. I'm sorry I was walking by the alleyway and I saw you, and I am terrible at minding my business", the person tried to comfort, "as I got closer I thought you were dead, but saw that you were breathing, but I wanted to make sure you were okay, because again I'm bad at minding my business."

Whumpee tried to follow what was being said, but this person talked way too fast for them.

The person looked at them like they were waiting for something.

Whumpee panicked, "I'm sorry, I didn't follow much of that, I think I'm a bit out of it."

"That's okay", the person smiled, "you look like you've been through it lately. Are you hungry?"

"N-no", Whumpee stuttered, just as their stomach grumbled.

"I think your stomach didn't get the heads up", the person snickered.

"Please, I am trying to hide from someone very dangerous, I don't want to get anyone involved", Whumpee spoke up, "please just leave and forget you met me."

The person sighed, "I'm use to danger, and always in for an adventure. How about we go to my home and get you some food, we can get you cleaned up. You can tell me what's going on", the person replied, "my name is Caretaker."

"No I'm sorry. I have bad trust issues", Whumpee looked down, "especially after everything I've been through."

"Let me at least look over your wounds, get you cleaned up, and feed you", Caretaker frowned, "you can see if you trust me after that."

Whumpee frowned and looked down, "okay, I guess anything you do to me can't be any worse from what I've been through, but are you sure. I ran from a bad person who is out looking for me. I would understand completely if you just walked away right now."

"Like I said, I love an adventure", Caretaker smiled.

Whumpee stood up and started to limp.

"Do you want me to carry you? It's a few blocks away", Caretaker offered.

"Thankyou, but I'll manage. My knee was broke a year back and it healed wrong", Whumpee smiled, "you'll have quite an adventure just looking over my wounds."

"I can see that", Caretaker walked beside them, "so for right now, how about I tell you about myself. You can tell me about yourself under the safety of my house."

Whumpee listened intently as they walked, Caretaker was right, they were use to danger.

"So you were active military through that", Whumpee paused.

"Yes, then I stayed out there in medical to assist with the wounded", Caretaker turned toward a building.

"This is it, I hope it's okay my home is technically an apartment. It's got an elevator", Caretaker opened the door.

Whumpee peaked one more time to make sure they weren't followed.

Whumpee and Caretaker finally stepped off of the elevator, and headed to the apartment. Whumpee automatically felt out of place as they entered.

Caretaker examined Whumpee, "my, you have more bruises than skin color, and are these stab wounds?"

"Yes, you name it, it's been done to me", Whumpee sighed, "it's been done several times."

Caretaker frowned, "you have more wounds than some of the soldiers I took care of."

Whumpee smiled weakly. Their stomach gurgled.

"Okay okay, it's coming", Caretaker spoke to Whumpee's stomach.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, I'm sure it has a right to be hungry. How about you tell me what's going on while I cook", Caretaker pulled out a few things, "you can sleep after you eat, if you want to."

"Where do I start", Whumpee sighed, "I was a witness to a murder. The person's name, the murderer is Whumper. I was suppose to be in witness protection, but something slipped up."

Caretaker nodded, listening to them.

"The police came 30 minutes late to retrieve me, but when they got there, I would have been gone. Whumper had found me, I thought it was the police so I opened the door to Whumper. He's kept me captive ever sense."

Caretaker pulled out a cup and poured some lemonade for Whumpee.

Whumpee took it gladly and chugged half of it in one breath. "I told Whumper countless times that I didn't want any part of this, I wouldn't even talk if they let me go. He never listened though."

"I wonder what happened that the time was mixed, that is a serious mistake", Caretaker sighed.

"Yes, this last year has been a nightmare", Whumpee looked themself over, "as you may have seen."

Caretaker dished up some food and gave it to Whumpee.

"No I didn't notice anything", Caretaker winked with a grin.

"Well do you think you trust me enough to rest here, you can eat, sleep, even get a shower", Caretaker offered, "you can stay as long as you need."

Whumpee swallowed a mouthful, "I don't want to impose, you've already done so much. I also don't want to get you mixed up in this. Whumper is extremely dangerous."

"How did you get away?", Caretaker poured some more lemonade.

"Whumper slipped up, I had been waiting for a mistake to happen. I took my chance when I saw it", Whumpee glanced out the window, "I know he is looking for me."

"You can stay here as long as you need to, I wish I could help you more honestly", Caretaker pulled out more food ingredients, "still hungry?"

"This tastes amazing, but I will definitely be full from it. I haven't had food for a while, so my stomach doesn't need too much", Whumpee grinned.

Whumpee followed Caretaker to the couch.

"My guest bedroom is shamefully packed with storage, I hope you are okay on the couch. I'll get it cleaned up if you plan on staying", Caretaker grabbed a pillow and blanket.

"This is perfect", Whumpee looked at it excitedly.

"Go ahead and rest, get some sleep", Caretaker handed them the pillow and blanket.

A few hours passed when a knock came to the door. Whumpee jolted awake.

"That knock", Whumpee whispered.

Caretaker started to walk to the door, "I don't know how someone got up here."

"Wait don't open that, it's him", Whumpee cried, "that's the knock I got kidnapped with.

This time, whoever was there pounded at the door.

Caretaker frowned, they realized this was what Whumpee warned them about. This was their newest adventure.

The pounding started again.

Whumpee was practically falling off the couch, each knock made them slide farther from the door. Now they were trapped. Now a stranger was involved.

Caretaker took a breath and reached their hand into their pocket. They opened the door a few inches.

"Can I help you? No I don't know who that is." Caretaker tried to lie.

"I have a witness saying they saw you walking with a limping person a few hours ago", Whumpee heard the voice, that voice.

The door was forced open.

Whumpee fell to the ground.

Whumper charged in and after Whumpee.

"Thought you could get away from me huh?", Whumper grabbed at Whumpee and slapped them harshly.

The sound of a hammer being pulled back paused Whumper in his steps.

He turned to face the pistol, well actually three pistols. Caretaker was joined by two police officers.

Whumper threw up his hands.

"A civilian alerted us that a strange man was looking for a limping person and that they seemed very dangerous. We had heard witnesses say they've seen Whumper around here", one of the officers stated.

"Caretaker, our chief received your text stating that you had found Whumpee, and they were safe with you", the other officer stated, "she wanted to ask what time they should be ready for dinner as well."

Whumpee looked at Caretaker in bewilderment.

The police began arresting, and removing Whumper from the scene.

"You know the police chief enough to be having dinner with them", Whumpee looked up from the floor.

Caretaker helped them up, "yes, we were active duty together and got really close", Caretaker helped them sit, "go-ahead and get comfortable, I'm not letting you out of my sight."

"What do you mean?", Whumpee looked at him.

"I was supposed to be your protector almost a year ago, you were suppose to come here and stay until everything was done", Caretaker stated sorrowfully, "when the police communicated that you were missing I panicked."

Whumpee stared straight at them.

"When I found you in the alley way, I thought you looked familiar. That's why I tried hard to get you to come with me. I figured if I was wrong I'd be helping someone anyways. When you went to sleep I had the chief send my your missing poster", Caretaker grinned, "I'm sorry I didn't tell all this sooner. I didn't want to weird you out if you weren't you, then you were sleeping."

"So you were supposed to be my witness protection agent", Whumpee stated trying to collect their thoughts, "but how you said."

"Yes, I use to be active military, but now I'm an unassuming person who lives in a lovely apartment that over looks the city", Caretaker smiled, "pretty good cover to do my job. You're staying here now, like you were supposed to originally."

"Uh, okay", Whumpee gave a weak smile.

The police chief walked in, "don't worry, everything will be straightened out, and you should be able to return to normal life after that. Sorry I was eavesdropping. I wouldn't trust anyone else to take care of you", the chief smile, "I'm sorry that everything was so screwed up, I will try my best to make it up to you."

Whumpee nodded. This was a lot.

Caretaker smiled. "It's going to be okay, I promise."

Whumpee nodded again, "I still have trust issues remember?"

Caretaker smiled, "that's fine."

Taglist. As always please let me know if you want to be added or taken off of the list, it is not a problem @villainsandheroes @the-beasts-have-arrived @porschethemermaid @sacredwrath

[hicomsstuff]

The Hot dealer (part two)

Summary: as Chris leaves my house in the morning, I begged him to stay just a little bit longer but something gladly happens (read part one to understand this part two)

Warnings: smut, swearing, sex, pet names (good girl, ma/mama etc)

"Hey darling I should leave now.." Chris says whispering in my ear "stay a bit longer?, please Chris." "Alright then, what are you even doing today?" "Well I'm not 100% sure just yet but I know that I'm going to have a shower now" "okay I'll just find a movie to watch and order food or something" I nod my head and grab some fresh clothes and a towel

A couple minutes into my shower, Chris comes knocking on the door "you nearly done in there, I got your favourite treat!" "What is it?" I ask "weed, duhh" I quickly turn off the shower and get changed, I start to open the door and I see Chris just standing there "well come on we don't have all day" "we?" I ask "yep" Chris says while setting up the weed for me

"Here you go", Chris hands me the weed, finally. 5 minutes into being high and talking, Chris says "you know...I like someone" "who is it??" "I'm not saying you'll have to figure out yourself" I wonder who it could be then I think for a moment what if it's me? It's probably not though..

"Well when will you tell me who it is?", I ask Chris "never. I won't say until you find out who it is" I roll my eyes at him "oi you can't be rolling your eyes at me since you begged me to do it for you last night.." "ugh, shut up Chris!!"

As the day goes on it's getting pretty late "well I probably have to go home now so bye I'll see you tomorrow afternoon?" Chris says while smiling at me "oh..do you think maybe you could stay over again I know it's a lot to ask for but I just hate it when I'm alone" I ask him with tears in my eyes

"Hey what's wrong??" He sits down next to me and pulls me into him "I just..I don't know" "everything will be okay, I'll stay over again, my love" I never really heard Chris comfort me before and it's kinda odd he will call me "darling" or "my love" all the time but he never actually confesses any feelings for me

I finally figured out what's wrong...I'm the one falling in love with my dealer. "I can never tell him this" I quietly mumble to myself "I'm just gonna go to lay down" I softly say "alright, wanna cuddle baby?" "Yes please, Chris" I mumbled as my head is curled up against his chest as well as his arms around me comforting me

A few minutes later, I sit up and start to wake Chris up "hmm, what is it?" "I uh..I think I might have feelings for you..", Chris is wide awake now "actually?, how long for?" "Maybe a couple months.., I wasn't going to tell you but I couldn't keep this secret in any longer" "I'm so glad you told me, because you're the person I'm in love with, darling"

As Chris and I finish our conversation we head back to bed to talk more about it tomorrow, *ring* as my alarm goes off I start to get ready for the day, since it's a Friday I don't have work for the rest of the week so I just get into a hoodie and some leggings

"Hey, my love" Chris says while walking up behind me trying to kiss me, of course I kiss him back and he sits down on the couch next to me "so..should we talk about last night?

"Yeah of course we can" "alright, well firstly, I'm in love with you y/n...I think you have the most wonderful personality and you're absolutely so gorgeous and kind to everyone. Will you be my girlfriend?"

Before I answer him I just kiss him harshly "well I'll take that as a yes" Chris wishpers in my ear. I nod my head "I'm so glad you said that, baby. Yes I will be your girlfriend"

"Good. Because you're mine now" I don't know if I should feel nervous or excited, Chris picks me up and takes me to the bedroom

"You trust me?" "Yes I do..why?" "Well you're about to see why" he takes my pants off with no hesitation, he doesn't say what hes going to do with me but I'm sure I know what he's gonna do

He takes my lace underwear off and goes to take my shirt off, but surprisingly he sees me with no bra on "no bra huh? Must have been waiting for me to touch you" I nod my head

He also takes his clothes off, both of us bare naked in bed while kissing non-stop, Chris goes down to my pussy and sees how wet I already am

"Soo wet for me?" "Yes Chris I am, but I need more...please touch me" chris looks at me with a smirk on his face "beg for it." "Please Chris, fuck me till I cum, I beg.", he smiles at me

As his head goes down to my clit he starts to lick it "fuckkk, don't stop" "I won't baby, I promise" "I really want to put my dick in you, sweetheart" "then do it." "Bet" as Chris puts his cock in me, I moan loudly begging for more

He starts to push down on my stomach to see how deep he is, I can't breathe properly because of how much pleasure I'm getting with him pressing down on me as well as is hard dick in me

"Gosh, you feel so fucking good. I can't get enough of you", I moan out as a response back to him, he pulls out as he feels me cumming "love my dick don't you?" "I fucking love it, Chris" I say while he goes down to my pussy to clean me up

Later on, he gets me changed back into my clothes and he puts his clothes back on as well "you okay ma?" "I'm more than okay, baby" me and him lay down on the bed together while cuddling

[elizaditton]

Too Small To Be Afraid (Chapter 8)

Links:

Cover / Master Post / Previous Chapter / Next Chapter

- - - - - - - - - -

My hair is fussier than usual today, I realize, as I struggle to put it up in a ponytail. Maybe it's because of the drier Chancelor air? Or, maybe it wants to stay home from school today just as much as I do? No, that's silly.

After a fair amount of fussing, I manage to get my hair up the way I want it. I take a moment to look myself over in the mirror, feeling no more at ease wearing the green and gray uniform for Pacific Deskmate High School than I did yesterday morning. In the mirror's reflection, a small stray pretzel bag catches my eye. I turn around to collect it from its place on the floor beside my trash bin, which is already overflowing with scrapped sketches and more small pretzel bags. I had packed my overnight bag with various snacks before the move, and while I didn't eat them during the trip, they proved useful yesterday when I didn't emerge from my room for lunch or dinner, despite Dad's knocking.

Oh, right. Dad.

After I came home from orientation, Dad was eager to know what I thought of the school and what my deskmate was like. Since I wasn't ready to talk, I ignored him and hid away in my room. Knowing I'm going to have to face him and his questions again fills me with dread. I already have the school to deal with, I don't need this! I heave a sigh, hesitate for a moment, and quietly turn my bedroom door handle.

There, on the other side of the door, I find Dad, hand raised as if he were just about to try knocking. I bite down on the inside of my cheek as we stare at each other in dead silence.

"Oh, you're already awake," Dad finally says. Come get some breakfast before you go, okay?"

I'm about to nod my head when a foul stench fills the air.

"What's that smell?" I say, covering my nose with my hands.

"Gah!" Dad exclaims, "I left the eggs too long!"

As he runs off to the kitchen, I can't help but wonder how much time he spent standing in front of my door hesitating to knock. I don't blame him for having a hard time knocking, considering how much I've been ignoring him since yesterday.

I reluctantly make my way to the kitchen in time to see Dad dumping his scorched eggs into the trash. I take a seat at the table and watch him grab the liquid egg carton to start over.

"So," he says, keeping his attention on the stove, "are you excited for your first day of school?"

Am I excited? Seriously? Can't he take a hint? I clench my fists as my blood boils within me. Not wanting to escalate things, I take a deep breath and hold it.

"Not exactly," I finally sigh.

"I know you're upset with me," Dad says, "but like I've been saying, I wouldn't send you to this school unless I thought it would be good for you. I'm doing this because I love you, Kaylin."

So sending me to a school full of the very people I'm afraid of is supposed to be an act of love? I grind my teeth at the idea. If you ask me, it feels like being thrown to the wolves. How am I supposed to navigate a situation like this when I have this stupid fear? This isn't going to work out, he'll see. He won't win.

After a moment or two, Dad slides a plate of eggs in front of me. "Trust me," he says, planting a kiss on my head.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Although excited chatter from new students fills the human halls of Pacific Deskmate High School, you can still sense the back to school blues emanating from the returning students. I, on the other hand, am experiencing something entirely different—pure terror.

Taking a deep breath, I close my locker and begin walking to the balcony. My insides twist at the knowledge that I'm going to have to be handled by a perthean all day, every school day, for the rest of the school year. Maybe it would be easier if the guy I got stuck with wasn't so desperate to talk to me. Then I could at least tune him out and try to forget he's there, although that would be hard to do when I'm in his hand.

Opening the door to the balcony, I'm instantly taken aback by the sheer number of people—both humans and pertheans—just standing around! I clutch the strap on my book bag tightly and look to the left and to the right. There's so many people! And why are so many pertheans hanging around the balcony? My core tightens and I take a few steps backwards. I can't do this! I turn around and start walking back to my locker, only to stop for a moment and pull out my phone. 7:54 AM. Ugh. If I want to be on time for attendance, I should probably plan to get there a little early, and who knows how long it'll take me to find my deskmate in that crowd? Letting out a sigh, I turn back around and head for the balcony.

I walk through the door and weave through the crowd, keeping my head down so I don't have to look up at any of the pertheans that are hanging around the balcony. Once I find an empty area, I approach the railing and reluctantly start scanning the room for any sign of my deskmate. After a moment or two, I spot him with his back turned to the balcony, talking to another perthean. At least, I think it's him. It's hard to tell when he's not facing me.

I pull out my phone again to text him that I'm on the balcony, only to realize with all that went on yesterday I forgot to get his number.

Oh no, yesterday! I was in such a hurry to leave because of my fear! What if my deskmate realized I'm afraid of him? What if he's mad at me? What if he thinks I don't want anything to do with him? Actually, I don't want anything to do with him, but I can't let him figure that out!

A pair of narrowed brown eyes stare me down from across the room, pulling me from my thoughts. They belong to the perthean my deskmate was talking to. I freeze in place, unable to move, my eyes locked with his. Why is this guy staring at me? Wait, was I staring at him first?

The perthean next to him turns around, following his line of sight. When they land on me, his blue eyes light up instantly. I immediately recognize them as my deskmate's. I grip the railing in front of me as he approaches the balcony, my legs trembling and begging me to run away.

"Hey! I was starting to worry we wouldn't be able to find each other in this crowd," my deskmate says. "How long were you waiting?"

"N-not long," I stammer.

My deskmate places one of his enormous digits in front of me. Ugh, this again. I take in a shaky breath and reluctantly grab onto the finger in front of me. All at once I'm lifted from the balcony and set down in my deskmate's hand. When he turns around, the sudden movement knocks me over onto my hands and knees.

"So," the boy looming above me says, "are you excited for our first day?"

"No," I say, rising to my knees and brushing myself off.

Silence. The boy holding me slows to a near stop. Maybe I shouldn't have said that.

"I-I mean, I'm not excited about all the school work! Senioritis and all, as they say!" I struggle to look up at him. The weight of his stare is too much for me to bear!

The boy laughs and continues walking. "Well, it can't be that bad on our first day! I'm sure they want us to get better acquainted with the school and with each other before they start piling too much homework on us."

I stay quiet and keep my head down. Everything, everywhere— it's all so big! And I'm so... little. I can't bring myself to look at all the people, doors, and lockers that tower over me!

"Here we are," the boy says, coming to a stop. After how excited he's seemed, I was sure he wouldn't hesitate to go right into our first class. But instead he stays put here across the hall from classroom D-05, staring at the open door.

I hesitate to look up at him. "Aren't you going to go in?" I ask.

"Yeah," he says. "I just need a second." He breathes in, holds his breath for a moment, and breathes out. After crossing the hall, he peeks his head into the classroom, and inches in.

I was keeping my head down before, but now I'm cowering! All these people—all these pertheans— they're staring right at us! My heart threatens to beat out of my chest when I make eye contact with a perthean girl near the front of the class. She rolls her green eyes and shifts her attention away from me. Why can't my deskmate just find a seat already?!

Finally, my deskmate finds an empty desk all the way at the back of the class and sits down. He then lays his hand down atop the desk, and I scramble to get onto the solid surface before he can initiate balcony etiquette again. I turn away from him in a hurry and make my way to my own desk, near the corner of his. Opening up my book bag with shaking hands, I search for and pull out my English II textbook.

"Ms. Finch," my deskmate whispers behind me. "Could you tell me your phone number?"

"I can just put it in," I say, only to slowly turn around and gaze up at my deskmate.

"Oh, alright," the boy says. He taps something on his phone and then shows me the screen.

My heart sinks in my chest. This thing is huge! It's way bigger than I am, even with my arms raised as high as they can go! I stare up at the screen and see myself reflected in the glass. If my deskmate drops this thing, it'll definitely crush me! Quivering, I reach one hand forward and tap the first digit in my phone number. A strong vibration catches me off guard at first when I make contact with the glass, but I keep going, typing my phone number in one digit at a time. When I'm finished, I quickly scoot away, and my deskmate lifts his phone away from me.

"Thanks," he says as he types something in.

"Welcome back, everyone," says a woman at the front of the class. "I trust you're all excited for your senior year. Let's begin attendance, shall we?"

As I'm taking my seat, I feel a vibration in my skirt pocket. I pull out my phone to see a text from an unknown number.

Hey! This is Derrick! Here's a contact photo!

Below this message is a picture of my deskmate wearing aviators and doing a peace sign. I decide not to text him back.

"Mr. Drake and Ms. Finch?" calls the teacher.

"Here!" we say.

My deskmate's voice is so much louder than mine. I wonder if the teacher could even hear me. Does it even matter that I responded at all?

[headsincloud9]

Part 3 | Part 5

SMUT MINORS DNI

212. "If you called me just to get off to my voice then I'm hanging up.

213. "l fuck you for as long as you can stay awake.. maybe after that too."

214. "Take it off slowly.

215. "You're mine for the day."

216. "Your wish is my command."

217, "Can you help me with this zipped?"

218. "Come to my room, there's this thing I wanna try."

219. "I was trying to keep my thoughts at bay, but damn you're provoking, you know that?"

220. "I hope you know what that implies."

221. "I shouldn't allow myself to get so close to you."

222. "No one can ever find out about this"

223. "For your safety I'l be gentle."

224. "What the hell, I was gone for five minutes!?"

225. "You really shouldn't come close to me while I'm in this state.

226. "This is interesting.. "'m finding it hard to relax."

227. "Now why don't you come back to my room with me?"

228, "Are those handcuffs?"

229. "Miss me?"

230, "I've always known you felt this way, and I know exactly what you'd like to do next.

231. "What are you staring at?"

232. "It's just a bikini."

233, "I don't feel like sleeping."

234. "What are you gonna do about it?"

235. "You won't be getting any sleep tonight."

236. "Will you let us fuck you?"

237. "I express my love a little differently than others do."

238. "Why so shy?"

239. "Don't worry, I'll make you feel really goad."

240. "If you're scared close your eyes."

241. "You're the one that aroused me, let's have fun."

242. "Why don't we move this to the bed?"

243. "Would you like to go somewhere a little more private?"

244, "You should start making plans to stay home - You won't be able walk when I'm done with you."

245. "I know the fastest way to relieve anxiety."

246, "Do forgive me if I get a bit carried away."

247. "Throw your morals out the window, just for tonight."

248. "These are so wet, aren't you going to remove them?"

249. "Is this too much?"

250. "I was just about to wash up, Care to join?"

251. "I need you. now."

252. "This feels dirty..." "because it is."

253. "Don't make me put you on a leash."

254. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

255. "Suck. Now.

256. "Move your hands."

257, "You feel amazing."

258. "What do you mean you broke MY bed!?"

259, "Fuck." "Already did,"

260. "I was doing things." ""'m things."

261. "Don't pretend to be so innocent."

262. "I want you touch yourself."

263. "That's an order."

264. "Will you help me stretch?"

265, "Just let yourself go."

266. "I dare you to fuck

267. "What has you so excited?"

268. "Even angels can be bad."

269, "Show me your inner animal."

270. "You have to come see how soft this mattress is!"

271. "Hey, you awake?"

272. "Nothing about your outfit encourages chastity."

273. "Don't be gentle."

274. "I'd be more than happy to show you a good time if you're looking for one.

275. "I want you. Right here. Right now."

276. "Bend over and spread your legs."

277, "I can't hold back anymore."

278. "Do you trust me?"

279. "It's been a long day, why don't we help eachother unwind?"

280. "Do it like you always do."

281. "Oh don't mind me. Just enjoying the view."

282. "Your lips make me wonder what the rest of you would taste like.

283. "Get on your knees. Now."

284. "You can go deeper than that."

285. "I don't like being told what to do unless I'm naked."

286. "You're so sexy when you're all hot and bothered."

287. "I've been thinking about this all night."

288. "Don't cover your face, I want to see you."

289. "You're so beautiful, all spread out like this, just for me."

290, "The food looks great but there's something much more delicious I'd rather eat right now."

291. "Lay back."

292. "Well fine. Just this once."

293. "I'm waiting."

294. "The fun doesn't have to end."

295. "Oh geez what did we do."

296. "I think I can convince you to stay."

297. "Are you pretending to sleep? I can think of a few ways to wake you up."

[unnervinglyferal]

I got a brain injury in 2017 and I’m only now getting it looked at because the hospital diagnosed me with a “minor concussion” and gave me a single day off school and sent me on my way (incompetent fucks). I was unable to stay awake for more than a couple hours a day for several weeks and of those weeks, I have a lot of gaps in my memory. I had just gotten out of an abusive home and I wasn’t in any place to advocate for myself in the nightmare that is the American healthcare system, so that was just sorta that.

I knew SOMETHING happened because once I was well enough to stand and think snd do stuff, I was a VERY different person. I used to be very high energy all the time, massive extrovert, ready to talk to anyone all the time. And then suddenly I didn’t. I was tired a lot. Suddenly I had to deal with crippling anxiety and agoraphobia and paranoia and a bunch of other Issues(tm) both physical and mental.

It wasn’t till I met someone who used to work with Traumatic Brain Injury patients, that I realized it might be useful to get that shit looked at now. But I still didn’t really want to, because going to a doctor might make it real. It meant I’d have to admit that I actually had a serious injury instead of just pretending I had a “minor concussion”. It wasn’t till I saw your blog and read your posts and you talking about your own brain injury that I was willing to start talking to doctors and make it real so to speak.

You humanized it in a way that I very much needed. “brain injury” isn’t a spooky scary thing on tv and in movies, its just something Feral deals with. And Feral deals with a lot of shit.

People have really specific ideas about what "brain damage" means. They hear the words and immediately think you got bonked in the head and now you're some dangerous unhinged lunatic that can't be trusted not to kill for no reason, or a complete vegetable that just sits and drools.

I don't tell people that I have it firsthand, I'll just explain it when I absolutely need to. Then I can just explain that I don't see properly on my left side, or that I can get lost indoors in a 3-room apartment. People apparently tend to go "oh, I couldn't even tell" like it's a surprise that someone with an injury on the brain could just be someone normal.

People with brain injuries are just normal people, but with a brain injury.

[magicalqueennightmare]

Sins & Amends Chapter 19

Billy Russo x Female Reader (60 part story)

This follows pre- the punisher into the storyline of daredevil, punisher season 1 and beyond

This is NOT Canon Billy. This is decent human being Billy left with bad options over worse decisions

This was also posted to A03 under: WaywardGaPeach. That account and this one is the only place you'll see me post this. If you see it on any other platform/account know it's not me

Chapter Summary/Warnings: Time moves on rather you want it to or not. Turns out you had more left than you thought [mention of violence/injuries]

 "C'mon Y/N. We'll order in or I'll cook then we can watch movies and you can just hang out with us" This was the third time Alice had asked you to spend an evening with her and Kenzie. You knew her heart was in the right place but you just couldn't stomach the idea.

You hadn't been in the best of headspace the last few months. Kenzie of course noticed and every time she got a few spare moments either texted or called trying to get you to talk to her. Alice would do her best while the two of you would be working to get you to communicate more but the station house always provided easy enough distractions.

"I'm gonna swing by Curt's meeting later. Make sure he has enough hands for the soup kitchen this week so I won't be alone" you hoped that would be enough to get her to back off but she stopped counting gauze and laid the clipboard down on the stretcher in the middle of the ambulance.

She took a deep breath then reached across and grabbed your hand "Y/N what Billy did was not your fault. He used the fact that you were in pain to get you back in bed. If he can't face the fact that he let the best woman in New York slip through his fingers that's his damage, not yours. I hate seeing you beat yourself up for loving him. Maria nor Frank would want this for you"

You snatched your hand away from her not missing the look of hurt that quickly crossed her face but not knowing what else to do  "They're not here to say what they would want for me are they? How dare I have the thought that the tragedy of losing most of my family could've somehow made Billy change his mind. That's my damage and I don't need you or Curtis or Kenzie telling me otherwise. You've got to let me work through hating myself and get to the other side. I love all of you so much but I refuse to burden any of you with this. If it gets where I absolutely can not handle it I promise I will ask for help but until then please Alice just drop it ok?"

You could see what you said had bothered her and started to apologize just so you wouldn't have to risk losing anyone else but she smiled softly "Ok sweetie just know no matter what we have your back too ok?" "Thanks partner" you all but whispered and she nodded then picked up the clipboard "Let's finish this restock in enough time and I may be able to buy you a coffee before we part ways for the evening dear" you let a small smile slip onto your face at her words so you replied "Now you're talking my language"

--------------------

You knew you'd be welcomed to stay for the meeting. After meeting some of the regulars you found out Curtis had mentioned you in passing during a few stories. You weren't really considered a civvie because of how much you'd seen not only through being in the lives of a Navy Corpsman and two marines but in your job as well.

The ones who'd been coming to the group or the soup kitchen for a while knew your face and knew you could be trusted but you didn't want to stick around in fear that Curt would try to rope you into sharing your trauma and you weren't exactly in the mood to do so.

Of course he walked you out to the sidewalk and made sure you were safely in a cab before heading back in the building. You just wanted to go home.

----------------

You'd just fell asleep a little after one in the morning when you were startled awake by the sound of someone pounding heavily on your door. You instinctively reached into your nightstand tapping the code on your lock box where you kept the 9mm Frank and Billy had long ago talked you into buying. You took a deep breath to try to remain calm as you clicked the safety off and walked cautiously towards the door.

Right before you leaned up to glance out the peep hole you heard a voice you never thought you'd hear again say "Y/N it's me" you threw the chain lock off and made quick work of the deadbolt and handle lock. When you opened the door Frank was standing there obviously wounded but very much alive. He gave you a half smile then nearly collapsed into your arms

"Woah Frank. I got ya" you were moving on pure instinct overriding the shock to your system at seeing him. You struggled under his weight to get him into the apartment and kicked the door shut behind you. You half drug him to the couch and dumped him on it with a grunt from you both.

When he leaned back you saw the blood that was covering most of his body "Frank they told me you were dead" You were trying to make sense of the chaos in your mind as you laid your gun down on the coffee table then told him "Stay still don't move" and ran into your bedroom to grab your med bag out the closet.

When you made it back into the living room he was struggling out the hoodie he had on so you moved to help him. Your breath caught in your throat when the skin underneath was revealed. Dark purple bruises were piled on top of yellow ones that were still healing and what looked very much like a bullet graze was still bleeding on his side.

"What happened Frank?" You asked while you pulled gloves on and started digging for supplies you'd need "How's about patching me up then I'll answer any question you have Y/N"

You worked in silence except for a grunt from Frank when you stitched his side then put a few staples in his head where a gash was leaking over his eyebrow. Once you were done you gave a quick once over of his chest to make sure you hadn't missed anything then said "I don't have any pants that'll fit you but I have a couple shirts that I sleep in that should be big enough if you want" he nodded so you walked to the kitchen to throw the bloody gloves and gauze in the trash then headed into the bedroom to grab him a shirt.

-------------

 You opened the dresser drawer and took in a deep breath. Frank was alive. That meant you'd been right. It was all a cover up, someone in a very high place was behind all this. They'd even went to the extent of giving you someone else's ashes as Frank's. Where the hell had they gotten his wedding ring? Where had he been all this time and what had he gotten himself into to be in the shape he was in?

You didn't realize how long you'd been standing there staring into the drawer until Frank cleared his throat from the doorway. You hoped the little jump you gave went unnoticed as you grabbed a shirt and turned to hold it out to him "Frank what is going on? I was told you were dead. Hell i was given ashes along with your wedding ring and the photo you've always carried of Maria and the kids."

He took the shirt from your outstretched hand and looked it over intently before finally saying "I thought I was dead. Hell I wanted to be dead kid. I woke up in a hospital guess I caught a bullet too. Some um some janitor helped me get out"

"Why didn't you come to me sooner? Or Curt? Hell even Billy?" Just saying his name made your stomach lurch but you had to know. "Y/N I know you well enough to know you've connected the dots. This goes so much deeper and I..i couldn't risk pulling any of you into it while it was still hot. It was a set up. What happened that day...Y/N I'm going after everyone who had a hand in it"

You grabbed the dresser to steady yourself when the weight of his words hit you. There had been three different gangs involved that day and now one of the people you thought you'd lost was standing here alive and mainly well telling you he was going to take them all on? "Frank" you knew he could tell what you were thinking just from the look on your face.

"I've got to do this. I don't want to be talked out of it and I wouldn't have came here but I couldn't make it back to my van. I watched for a while to make sure no one saw me come in. I don't want you in danger. I can't see you dead too" you didn't think your heart could crumple any more than it already had but seeing Frank a decorated Marine and one of the strongest men you'd ever known look so broken standing in front of you the last few pieces shattered in your chest.

Without thinking you wrapped your arms around him in a hug and felt him tense a moment but he finally allowed himself to relax "I've missed you too kid" he said after a moment. You pulled back and looked him in the eye.

"Frank I don't want to lose you too but I understand why you feel like you have to do this. They need to pay every last one of them and if whoever is behind this cover-up can pull it off the law won't be any help. I don't have the skills to help you go after these men but as long as you can either make it here or dial a phone I will come to you no matter when or where. Promise me if you get hurt again you'll let me help you every time. No matter what. I owe that to Maria, and to you. You're still my family"

He was silent for a moment then gave a sharp nod "I promise but you can't tell Curtis or Billy you saw me. Got it?" you nodded then hugged him once more and said "go get cleaned up. I'll see what food I can wrangle you up because I'm betting you haven't eaten a decent meal in a while"

-----------------

You watched Frank leave a little before six. He was wearing one of the old hoodies you slept in and you'd also given him one of your winter caps to help cover his face.He'd asked you to hold on to his ring and the picture for him which you'd agreed to under the pretense that he'd make it through to one day get them back from you. You hated knowing he was putting his life in danger but you also understood if whoever had started this ball rolling knew he was still alive his life would end then and there.

For the first time in longer than you could remember you said a prayer. You didn't know if anyone was listening or what it said about your soul begging for protection for someone going out to kill others but you didn't care. You wanted him alive at the end of the day to be able to watch whoever had ripped Maria, Lisa and Frank Jr from this world burn to ash.

--------------------

The next day you were headed to work but decided to grab a paper on the way. What could it hurt?

You tucked it under your arm and walked the rest of the way to the station house.

Jason spoke to you when you walked in the door and Alice held out a cup of coffee then followed you to the locker room after you greeted everyone lounging around the common room.

She plopped down on one of the benches and watched you as you stowed all your belongings in the locker but you didn't notice how intensely she'd been watching until you turned around "Yes Ms Hendrixs? Would you like to share with the class?" You asked with an almost genuine smile she shook her head slowly "No it's just you seem a little more I don't know lighter? Like I know you're still mourning and that is completely normal but you seem like a bit of your fire is starting to return"

You thought about it for a moment. Frank was alive and while that information came along with knowing the danger he was in and the fact that you'd been right about it all being a cover up it still helped the gaping hole in your heart even slightly just to know he was still breathing.

You didn't lose them all and those who were responsible for taking Maria and the kids would pay for it. You shrugged after choosing what you could say to Alice to appease her "I talked with Curt and I let some of what you and Kenzie have been saying sink in finally I guess. I'll miss them every day but I'm still alive and I can't lose sight of who I am. Maria wouldn't want that for me"

She stood then slung her arm around your shoulders "I'm glad it's finally sinking in. They loved you so much Y/N. I know what happened was horrible but these last few weeks I've been afraid I was going to lose my partner"

You felt a wave of guilt wash over you. You hadn't realized that by wrapping yourself up in your pain you'd shut out those you had left. "I'm sorry I made you feel like that Alice"  "No apologies needed my love. Now let's drink our coffee and maybe you'll even get to read your paper before the insanity kicks in"  you walked with her back out to the common area and couldn't help but laughed when she told Hunter "Off and on dude. Me and Y/N are calling the couch"

He shook his head but obliged choosing to join Andrew and Kayla at the table in the corner when it looked like they were playing poker already. Yeah it was gonna be a fun shift.

-----------------

It didn't occur to you that even subconsciously you were looking for who Frank had taken on already. Your eyes were skimming over the pages when a small portion that read "Gang wars igniting" caught your attention. According to the albeit small article that at press time all they knew was that several members of the gang Dogs of Hell had been slaughtered in what appeared to be gang violence.

It made sense. Three gangs had been involved in the massacre at the park. The Dogs of Hell, Mexican cartel and the Irish. You let out a breath and saw Alice cut her eyes at you "Bad news in the paper?" She asked so you folded it up and shook your head "Nothing unexpected"

Before your mind could attempt to play out a dozen scenarios of Frank getting killed instead of doing the killing a call came through requesting an ambulance at an apartment building across town "C'mon partner let's get on it" you said with a smile as you stood and pulled her up with you so both of you could head towards the bays.

Tags @intothesoul

@weallhaveadestiny

[sugdenlovesdingle]

Marjan's goodbye to the 126 made me cry... but Carlos is her friend too and he deserved to say goodbye too. And if Tim won't give me that, I'll just write it myself.

Or read on AO3

--- "Mama you really don't have to stay. You can just go home." Carlos pleaded with his mother. "I promise I won't overdo it. I'll just sit right here until TK gets home."

"Mi amor, I promised TK I'd stay to keep an eye on you so that's exactly what I'm going to do. You scared us." she stroked his face and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "We nearly lost you, we're allowed to be a little over protective."

"I'm fine mama. You heard the doctor, I've been lucky. I'm ok." he tried to reason with his mother. "I'm going back to work in a few days."

Andrea gave him a look that said she wasn't happy about that.

"Your dad has already talked to your sergeant about making you take it easy for a while. You need to give yourself time to recover."

"I will. I am, I promise. I don't need babysitting."

"Maybe not but I'm not leaving you on your own this soon after getting out of hospital. I'm your mother, it's my job to take care of you." she told him. "And I haven't always done a very good job..."

"Mama..."

"Just read your book Carlitos, I'll get started on dinner so TK doesn't have to worry about that when he gets home from work."

"I can cook mama, you don't have to. At least let me help." Carlos tried.

Andrea seemed to consider his suggestion but before she could decide anything, there was a knock on the door.

"Are you expecting anyone? Did TK forget his keys?" Andrea asked, going to open the door before Carlos could even think of getting up. "Oh hello Marjan."

"Hi Mrs Reyes." she said politely. "Is Carlos awake? I was hoping to talk to him for a little while."

"Yes Carlos is awake and very bored because he's barely allowed to move from the sofa." Carlos said, coming to greet her at the door. "Hey Marj."

"Hey you, how are you feeling?" she carefully hugged him.

"Fine. A little tired but that's it." he told her, leaving out certain details. "Though my mom and TK are making sure I don't so much as blink without either of them knowing. He hasn't left me out of his sight since I was discharged and now he had to go back to work, he got my mom to babysit me."

"We're just worried about you sweetheart. We want to make sure you're safe and rest up enough to enjoy your wedding day." Andrea told him.

"That's weeks away mom. I'll be fine by then. I'm fine now."

Andrea shook her head and turned to Marjan.

"He's just like his father. They're always fine and the world will end if they take some time to rest."

"I am resting." Carlos argued. "I've barely moved all day."

"Yeah I'm with your mother and fiancé on this one." Marjan told him. "It's not like you just had the flu."

"Not you too." Carlos sighed dramatically as the two of them sat down on the sofa while Andrea went to work her magic in the kitchen. "Don't take this the wrong way because I'm always happy to see you... But why are you here? Did something happen to TK?"

"No, no TK is fine." she rushed to say. "I'm going to the station after this."

Carlos frowned.

"Wait. Wasn't your hearing today? Or your deadline? With that woman you rescued?"

"TK told you about that?"

Carlos nodded.

"Yeah. And the group chat."

Marjan gave him a small smile.

"The good old group chat."

"Is everything alright? Did they suspend you?" Carlos asked, noticing his friend wasn't in uniform.

She shook her head.

"I quit. I left the AFD."

"What?!"

"That couple... They don't want an apology, they just want to use me to make some money. They want me to link to their gofundme in my apology post and tell people to donate... And I can't do that."

"And that's why you quit?"

"Part of it." she nodded. "The department are pushing me to make the post and I won't and they're not happy about that... But this whole thing is messing with my head. I froze up on a call because I was afraid of doing something wrong. If I can't trust my instincts I'm putting the rest of the crew in danger. People could die."

"I get it... I think." Carlos said after thinking it over for a minute. "So what's next for the great firefox?"

Marjan shrugged.

"I don't know. And that's both exciting and terrifying." she said and they both laughed. "I bought cap's bike."

"Oh great, instead of worrying my father in law will get himself killed, I'll be worrying about you."

"I'll be fine. I know how to ride. I had a bike in Florida but I had to leave it behind when I moved. I sold it and I've been thinking of getting a new one ever since. And when cap showed up at the station with his..."

"You wanted to get back in the saddle?"

"Something like that." She took a deep breath. "I came to say goodbye. I'm going to hit the road for a while. See what's out there."

"For a while? How long? TK and I are getting married in 7 weeks, and we need you there. You're part of the family."

Marjan smiled.

"I promise I'll keep in touch and I promise I'll be at the wedding. I can't let you two get married without me there. Not after everything you've put me and the rest of the crew through!"

"Excuse me? What we put you through?" Carlos said mock indignant. "You should be thankful you get to witness true love on a daily basis."

"Yeah you're right. Judd and Grace really are an example to us all."

"So mean." Carlos said laughingly and leaned over to hug her. "I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too." She squeezed him a little tighter before letting go and getting up. "I should head to the station. I want to get on the road before it gets dark."

Carlos walked her to the door.

"Yeah. Be careful out there ok?"

"I will."

"And if you're not back here for the wedding, I will hunt you down and drag you home myself." Carlos told her. Not entirely serious but not exactly joking either. "I'm a cop. I have resources."

"That's abuse of police powers, officer Reyes." Marjan teased.

"Not if it's for a good cause. Having my friend at my wedding is a good cause."

Marjan just smiled and pulled him in for another quick hug.

"See you soon, Marj."

"Yeah. See you."

He watched her walk away and give him a quick wave before rounding the corner to get to the elevator.

"Just remember I have friends in the missing persons department, Marwani!"

[weirdraccoon]

This is one of my favorite songs and I feel it every time I hear it. I have a... story that goes with it but it's personal and kind of stupid so read only if you are curious.

Warning tho: Suicidal thougts and a very long rambling text.

So, in 2022 I went to Canada to meet with a guy I met on facebook (don't think anything yet, I know this is dumb). Anyway, this dude I met was from Mexico too, different city, but close enough he could visit.

We started talking during the pandemic and I didn't want to meet him in person haha and I used the fact that we had to stay home as an excuse to explain why I didn't want him to come (this dude couldn't take a simple "no").

Fastforward to May 2022 and he came to my city. I still didn't want to meet him but I admit he had been fun to talk to and I considered him an online friend. Besides, I had already looked him up, y'know, to check he was who he said he was and all. (I even found the name of his parents lol I'm good).

I remember Dr. Strange was on theatres and I told him I'd meet him if he invited me to see it and when we were waiting in line he told he was moving to Canada and he'd like it if I went with him. I was like "hold it, you're just an online friend" but I guess he had already put my in the girlfriend-zone which sucks.

That year was one of the worst years, emotionally for me. I've just finished my career and I was giving online classes and I felt like a functional adult. But then, I quit my job because of dumb stuff my dad put in my head and I had nothing to do- no work, no study, no energy to write or paint or anything really. And I started thinking:

If I'm doing nothing, then what's the point.

To be alive without actually living.... It'd be better if I didn't exist at all.

I guess it consumed me and it depressed me even more and all I did was sleep and pretend I was doing good when I had to go see my family.

I felt like a ghost. Now I realize I had been feeling like that, as if in a daze or a dream or like smoke, for a very very long time.

FB dude invited me to Canada then, paid for the plane and everything. Mom seemed excited that I was apparently meeting someone, even Dad was unworriedly cheering me on, telling me I should explore and travel and meet people (ohgoshamIcrying?)

So I went.

I knew I couldn't put my life in other people's hands, and not in a trusting way but in a desperate attempt at finding a lifeline.

That song?

I first heard it when I was sitting near a lake.

Dude had to work all the time I was there, so I was by myself most of the time. I still slept most of the day, then went out, drank water to feel full but I didn't eat that much in those two weeks, wandered around downtown, visited the National Gallery, took a bunch of photos to look content on my instagram...

I almost didn't come back.

My thinking process was: if I die here, they won't have to see my lifeless body. They won't have to hold a -what's the word- like they did for my uncle (who died just a few months before my trip). It'll be better for them all if I just disappeared. Bunch of people disappear everyday. Tourists. Specially women, right?

I listened to that song every single day during my stay there and I kept looking for the oportunity, the place. Waiting for someone to actually do it for me and even wishing FB dude was a psycho who'd do it for me cause apparently I was a coward.

Anyway, I did come back and I feel awake and I no longer want to do it even if I think not existing is still a good idea. Went to the psychologist, figured some stuff out, realized I hadn't mourn my uncle like I should've, put my life on my hands with a pretty simple and dumb goal: I don't want to leave that on my brother.

Now I'm still convincing myself, every day, that I do want to be here.

And even if there are days when I just sleep and think that I don't deserve to exist, I keep trying the next day.

Ignoring myself is difficult, but I also enjoy shutting myself up by proving I can do things.

It helps that now I have a job, so I have to get up for that, and HL helped a lot, taking me home for a little while and finding me a new little fandom with even a friend or two (even if we dont talk much).

Still... I'm scared of maybe not comitting it, but I guess I don't really take care of myself, and I'm just following my uncle's steps on how to stop existing.

But scared is not the right word either. I guess I'm just sad. Again. All the time.