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baeshijima · 2 months ago

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— the weight of a sinner

to bear a sin is a result of consequence, but to bear a sin with no relation to you is an inescapable burden — a means to have a scapegoat and someone to hold accountable. unfortunately, you're one of the very few who seem to think as such.

CONTAINS : gn!reader, 3k wc, angst(y-ish), bittersweet, some lightheartedness in there... somewhere, shackling prison/pre-banishment dan heng, mentions of high-cloud quintet, relationship w/ dan feng left ambiguous (but implied dan feng x reader)

A/N : dan heng and reader face inner turmoil just as i do when facing any minor or major inconvenience. (the dan f/heng animated short was looped while i was writing this...)

Your time within the lifeless prison is limited. Lest you want to be caught red-handed by the stationed prison guards or, worse yet, Jing Yuan for trespassing, you ought to hurry. (You have an inkling he is well-aware of your routinely visits, but you choose to ignore the thought. It makes pretending to be none the wiser a little easier when you’re with him.)

Well, that much is easier said than done.

Shooing away unnecessary thoughts, you continue your way down towards the depths of The Shackling Prison. Blending into the surrounding darkness, you wait as patrolling guards pass by, watching their receding figures with calm eyes. As always, the security towards the bottom of this dreary place is tighter. It’s understandable, really, when taking into consideration who they have held captive.

Eventually, you come to a stop. You take in the familiarity of the surroundings, of the damp smell, of the hollow drips echoing within the walls, of the eerie isolation which encroaches on you.

Several guards hover in front of the cell. A quiet sigh escapes you, though it doesn’t come as a surprise. With the fluidity it takes for you to knock out the guards in one swift movement, one would think the act to be like that of muscle memory. It’s not all that far off when considering just how many times you have done this, on top of your past merits as a Cloud Knight. Now left without any potential risks, you step out from the dreary shadows and make your way through the bars and into the chamber.

Laboured breaths; beads of sweat; a harsh crease between his brows; clothing torn and sullied. No matter how many times you see him in such a state, your heart lurches for him all the same.

With quick, light steps you draw closer. Features you are all too familiar with become clearer in spite of the dingy lighting, but your attention is more focused on the dark, murky wisp festering his soul.

“Those blasted Elders,” you mutter to yourself as you take in the young man’s haggard appearance. “Just what poison have they deceived him with this time…”

His body hangs limp against the metal restraints, ragged breaths wracking his worn body as his expression contorts into one of pain. Dark spots flicker ominously when your eyes skim his body. The burden wrought as a result of the Preceptors’ influence must weigh heavily on his mind if his soul is this contaminated to such an extent. (You dread to think of the lies they’ve been spewing to him about Dan Feng for him to be in this state of conflict.)

Your gaze stops at one particular point, its shadow more concentrated compared to the rest. “They made his soul murkier than it was just a few days ago!” And he’s sustained more bruises than before…

Immediately, your hands hover over his chest. A dim glow distorts the matted appearance of his skin, its shallow light allowing for you to get a closer look at the injuries he has sustained since your last visit. Eyes narrowed at a particularly concerning spot, you’re loath to believe the Elders have even a smidge of humanity left within them — assuming they even had any to begin with, that is.

Amidst your hushed curses towards the Vidyadhara Preceptors, a low groan resounds from in front. The once slack figure writhes against the chains, hissing at the uncomfortable friction the metal must no doubt be causing to his raw skin. You are about to move your attention to his wrists to help alleviate the pain until a flash of colour appears in your peripherals. You blink once, twice. Tilting your head up, you find yourself gazing into an unmistakably striking pair of teal eyes akin to that of the viridescent horns atop his head, the crimson which rests under his eyes and woven into a portion of his hair standing out despite the gloomy environment.

The faint clanging of metal brings you out of your daze. Oh. Right. He regained consciousness.

…Oops.

“You… What did you do?” His voice is hoarse — raspy. There is a slight edge in the gaze he regards you with, a precautionary means of defence. You can’t say you’re all that surprised. Rather, it makes you glad he remains on guard even though he has seen you a fair share of times.

Pausing the usage of your abilities, you cast your full attention onto him as you engage in this rare conversation. “I’m simply here to tend to your injuries and alleviate some of the burden weighing you down.”

(You’re not lying, per se, but you opt to omit the part wherein this selfishness within you merely wishes to save what you failed to before; an unnecessary burden you carry on behalf of someone long gone.)

“Thank you, but why go out of your way to help a sinner? You receive no benefit from this.”

A bitter smile stretches your lips at his words. A striking familiarity seeps within his tone, yet you’re no fool to mistake the man in front of you for someone who no longer walks the path of the living. You’re not like the rest of them who are stuck in the past.

“No one deserves to be shackled by past burdens. I hope that, one day, you can break free from the shadows of the past and live the way you desire. This is your life. No one has the right to dictate what you can and cannot do…” Your fists clench, eyes narrowing into a glare towards the ground. The next words leave a bitter taste in your mouth. “Not even those Elders have the right to do so.”

Silence follows your words. You take that as your cue to resume tending to him; he lets you.

Thinking back, he seems far more relaxed compared to when he was awake during your first couple of visits. He would shrink in on himself when you tried to cross a certain distance, his tail flicking anxiously in response as he regarded you with trembling yet hostile eyes. It’s a stark difference to how he is now. For one, his tail isn’t even out, having retreated when he came to realise you weren’t a threat nor were you going to harm him. He isn’t tense in your presence either, merely watching you do what you came here for with calm, slow blinks.

“Alright, all done here!” Leaning back with a huff, you bring a tentative hand to wipe away at the beads of sweat accumulating atop your forehead. There seemed to be more work than your previous cleanses, but you find the extra effort to be worth it when not even a speck of that murky contamination is left within him. Pride swells within you at your handy work. Haven’t lost my touch just yet!

Now with no reason to stay, you make a move to stand when a quiet murmur halts your movements.

“...You’re not calling me by that name.” When you give him an inquisitive look, he elaborates, “Dan Feng. You don’t call me by that name.”

That name roots you in place. Your mouth runs dry when his name is uttered in that voice, breathed out by that unnervingly similar face, senses growing dull as an all too familiar ache weighs down on your heart.

Your gaze drops momentarily before meeting with his own one — one riddled with confusion and a hunger for answers. “Because you’re not him. You are not Dan Feng, you are you.”

In spite of what all those Preceptors keep trying to hammer on about, how the Vidyadhara High Elder Dan Feng still lives and must face the consequences of his sins, how they have not diminished in power and influence, you find yourself to be one of the few who abstain from such beliefs. How could you not when you were someone privy to his private life, to his wants and hopes, his fears and worries, his dreams for a better future when all was said and done amidst your roles in history.

As such, you can hold your beliefs with confidence.

Dan Feng is gone. Dan Feng is dead. Dan Feng, despite the haunting similarities which stand before you, is not the one you’ve been looking out for within this seclusion. The incarnation in front of you is not the same man you have spent countless years by the side of, nor is he the one privy to the deepest, most intimate parts of yourself only few know of, just as you were with him.

“And…” You pause for a brief second before standing. His eyes follow your movements in caution, though you can tell your words resonate within him (the previous uncertainty which clung onto him is nowhere to be seen, for one). “I hope this is the last time we meet. For both our sakes.”

You lingering around him like some shadow will do the both of you no good, and you would be no different than all the others who hover around him for his status and power. It’s a decision you have long since come to terms with, one you knew would take place the moment you left your house to come here today.

It’s for the better, you tell yourself as you walk away. With this, perhaps you can finally allow yourself to let go of him and the past—

“Wait…!” There’s a shuffle behind you, the faint clinking of metal, a soft curse and grunt following soon after. Upon turning your head to gaze over your shoulder, you find yourself staring into glowing teal. “Every time I— ugh!” A pained gasp escapes him when he struggles too much against the restraints. Before you can reach out and alleviate his pain he merely shakes his head, signifying he has no need for your power. Not a second later, he continues. “Unlike the other blurred or vivid dreams I have of the previous life, every time I see or think of you my mind is calm. I know little-to-nothing of you, and yet, instinctively, I feel safe in your presence. Who are you?”

His words cause your eyes to widen and your stomach to drop. You weren’t expecting him to have some awareness of Dan Feng’s life and your identity, nor for his eyes to shine so brightly despite there being no light. Your teeth clench; your lips wobble. Someone must have tampered with his rebirth, or else he wouldn’t be able to recall even a single thing. You’ve heard some of the ways in which Dan Feng has been described by the Elders — how he is a criminal, a sinner, a monster, one who brought shame to the Vidyadhara name as the High Elder, and how he as his incarnation is no different.

He won’t be able to live this life as his own without being shadowed by the past. He won’t be able to escape the sins and burdens not meant to be carried by his shoulders. He will forever have the name and consequences wrought by his predecessor follow him instead of his valour and achievements, and the mere thought of it weighs heavy on your heart.

A wince involuntarily makes its way onto your features at the recollection; you don’t dare think about the cruelties they could have sneered into the young man’s ears when he was at his weakest and most susceptible to the brainwashing.

When you gather the courage to face him once more, you remember he asked you a question: “Who are you?” Looking into his eyes, there’s a hidden desperation in his gaze which causes your lips to naturally form the beginning phonemes of your name. But you stop, instead deciding it would be best to omit anything that could potentially implicate you with his previous incarnation. After all, for him to forge a path of his own, the past must remain as just that.

And so, with a light smile, you answer, “I’m just someone who doesn’t wish to see an innocent person bear the sins of their predecessor.”

He doesn’t have the chance to respond. You’re long gone from the confines of his chamber, as though you were never there to begin with, and he is left to stare into the abyssal darkness which has accompanied him throughout the entirety of his life.

The only tell-tale sign of your presence being real is the warmth which spreads through his chest, warding off the dulled pain administered by the Preceptors.

In spite of your earlier words, the shackled Vidyadhara cannot help but to hope your paths cross once more. Whether that be within the tethers of a sinner, or perhaps in the distant future when he’s strong enough to leave his past burdens behind and start anew, he hopes he can talk to you as himself; as Dan Heng.

Maybe then you won’t have that pained look in your eyes when you gaze at him.

There’s a slight trickle of rain when you step foot outside into the Exalting Sanctum. It’s a stark contrast to the suffocating air of a cell, though the resulting chill which follows seems to be a worse trade-off.

You ought to have a word with whoever’s in charge of controlling the weather. Or at least get Jing Yuan to have a word with them. They certainly could have timed this better. What’s done is done, however, as chains of the past already begin to entrap you within its cold tethers.

“Forgive me,” you murmur, gaze upturned and blank as your body steadily becomes drenched in artificial rain. “Even your reincarnation will only know you as an emotionless sinner by word of those Elders.”

You must look terrible like this, soaked to the bone with nothing to cover you. You can picture him reprimanding your carelessness with that worried tone of his, laughing off his nags before he ultimately covers you with an umbrella and brings you back to his abode where a pot of hot tea and spare dry clothing awaits you.

But he’s not here to do all those things once more; nor is there anyone in the vicinity, for that matter. It is simply you, your grief, and your lonesome.

“You’re gone. Baiheng’s gone. Yingxing isn’t here. Neither is Jingliu. There’s only so much more Jing Yuan can try to carry by himself before he cracks. Or maybe he already has but remained stubborn as ever, hiding his burdens like always. And I… I’m just a coward who cannot do anything other than wish for the happier days to come back. I just want us to be happy again...” Warmth trickles down your cheeks, a stinging sensation blooming from within your senses. Abruptly, your voice quietens, barely a whisper. “Is that too much to ask?”

Had it not been for that prophecy of depravity and betrayal… would things be different now? Would everyone still be here drinking under the moonlight, telling stories of one-another (both the embarrassing and the emotional), sharing tears and laughter, sparring and honing one’s skills until muscles cried for rest and reprieve?

If you weren’t a coward back then — if you had just said or even just did something — would this all have been a mere nightmare they would tease you in good nature for?

You laugh, humourless. “Hah. What am I doing? It’s not like you can hear me if I talk to the rain. You would’ve given me an answer years ago if that were the case.”

A bitter taste lingers then, ceasing the rest of your words and instead causing you to choke up.

Inhale, exhale. Through the nose, out the mouth.

Having calmed down, your eyes stray towards the outside of the ship, taking in the bleeding hues of purple and blue distorted by the rain. Motionless, you remain in a trance for a few moments.

“...Remember that plan we talked about before?” you begin once more, voice steady unlike a few moments prior. “The one of all of us travelling planet to planet and exploring life beyond missions and the Luofu? Well, I think it’s about time one of us keeps to our word. I guess I should prepare to say goodbye to Jing Yuan soon.” A half-hearted chuckle escapes you at that. Your eyes close and drop with a sigh, a wry smile stretching the line of your lips. “Do you think he’ll resent me for leaving him as well?”

Silence is your only response, and you come to realise the rain has stopped. When you lift your gaze, the moon shines bright through the lingering mist. It’s almost reminiscent of happier days, when you were young and free, only having to worry about preventing a scuffle between Yingxing and Jing Yuan from breaking out, sometimes sharing a drink with Jingliu as Baiheng chattered away about her day. But most often were nights such as this spent together with Dan Feng, wiling away the nights stargazing and reminiscing missions and basking in one another’s quiet company.

It’s about time I move on, too.

With a swift turn you begin the trek home. For the first time in a long while, you have a goal — a hope and a dream to your name. Your mind recollects the young man’s gaze, how his eyes burned brighter than the sun itself in that one instance. Despite your prior words, a part of you hopes you meet once more when he truly discovers himself; for who he really is as opposed to the ghost which clings to his being.

For someone who can still create such an expression despite those conditions, his future is limitless.

(That night, after having packed your essentials in preparation of heading out the following day and penned a letter for Jing Yuan to read in your disappearance, you had a dream. Through your fragmented recollection, you recalled a woman with a comforting smile; a man wise beyond his years; a familiar, yet unfamiliar, young man who wields a calm aura; a cute girl with boundless energy; a stoic-looking girl with unexpected charm; a rabbit-like creature dressed akin to a conductor; and you… you were happy. Happy in a way you never thought you would be again.

It was a lovely dream.)

if you enjoyed this, then reblogs with/or comments are greatly appreciated !! <33

#honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #dan heng x reader #honkai star rail x you #hsr x you #dan heng x you #haha imagine in the animated short timeline when dan hengs drowning and u have ur own memory bubble after pom-pom and its just u saying:#“let's go home dan heng” bc now the express is both ur homes and ahahahhhaaha.... ha.... a..... (<- the sound of pain.)#very tempted to write a continuation but in dan heng's pov with how the fic ended...#the way i could easily turn this into a series... high-cloud quintet days leading up to present... blade & jingliu encounters b4 express #honkai star rail imagines #hsr imagines #honkai star rail scenarios #hsr scenarios

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