#bc im going to be displaying symptoms

[bearofohu]

one day left. one day left until i fuck that old man

[bred-is-a-dumb-name]

I swear to God if one more person tells me "Well you look fine" during a flare up or otherwise disabling moment I might just snap. What part of invisible illness doesn't register. Do you want me to show you my fucked up organs??? Do you wanna see em??? Is that what itll take for you to admit im not healthy???? Augh.

[schizosupport]

this is going to be very long and rambly, i apologize. you can answer any, all, or no parts of it, i guess i just really need to blurt it all out to *someone*

for the past 3 or 4 years, ive been having mild (?) transient stress related psychotic symptoms. i suspect i have a cluster b pd which could possibly cover that

at first it was mostly paranoia i think ? usually the standard "theyre out to get me" type thoughts, both with people i knew and nebulous entities i couldnt define. it doesnt happen too frequently, but it seems to have gotten worse with time. this past fall / winter was especially bad bc i was already doing poorly mental health wise and was very isolated. a lot of the thoughts are still paranoia based, but some lean more towards delusions now (e.g. being afraid of the music i left to play from my phone speakers bc i felt it was hunting me down) as well as some that are fully bizarre (e.g. believing that ive been an angel stuck inside a human body my whole life, thinking theres a force field around my apartment thats keeping me stuck inside). for a while there was also this... pervasive sense of unreality almost ? like i would get frustrated that things werent operating on dream logic, or have difficulty differentiating dreams and reality in general. for the past couple months since then, ive had pretty much no issues

i always retain Some grasp on reality, whether its full on double booking or a vague sense of "something is wrong with me right now", which is enough for me to hide away from people and try to calm myself down and ground myself back to reality (... can you even do that with "real" delusions ? talk yourself out of them ?). the symptoms only last a few hours "at their peak", though the unsteady / unreality feeling may stick around for days or weeks surrounding that. im still able to be mostly functional for that part though. as such, nobody knows about any of this.

i just. i dont know. i dont have a therapist (i need one). im too afraid telling my friends will change their views on me irreparably even though they too struggle with (other) deeply stigmatized mental health issues. ive spent a lot of my childhood being called insane and incapable and i dont want it to happen again after ive finally found people that respect me. im worried ill have a full on psychotic break at some point (what the hell counts as "a break" ? can i call what ive been through "episodes" ?), or lose my ability to double book, or display symptoms in front of people i know. i just dont know what to do so im. spilling it out all here. so someone at all besides me knows

-- elias

Hey there,

Sorry it took me a while to get back to you.

It definitely sounds to me like you are experiencing some level of psychotic symtoms, and it sounds like it's causing you significant distress. You asked whether you can "talk yourself out of" a "real delusion" - and well, not as such, until the delusion passes, but they can be more or less long-lived and come with more or less insight.

The types of episode that only last a couple hours at full intensity are sometimes referred to as micropsychoses. When people talk about "a psychotic episode" it usually refers to a prolonged loss of reality that may last days, weeks or even months. But plenty of people on the schizo- and psychosis spectrum don't experience full-blown psychotic episodes. That doesn't make their psychosis un-serious, and it also isn't a given that these people will go on to develop worse psychotic symptoms.

I think one of the reasons the diagnosis of schizotypal exists, is because we needed to acknowledge that not every person's endpoint on the schizo-spectrum is schizophrenia, but that doesn't mean that their experience doesn't come with distress or disability.

I think you could try to do a vibe check with your friends to see how they react to the concept of psychosis and psychotic disorders. If they seem cool, then you could try to bring up your own experiences. It might be nice to be able to talk about those things, and get to experience that it doesn't have to be the end of the world, and not everyone will judge you for it.

I hope you all the best, anon!!

[rebellum]

Okay i want peoples advice on if this is a ridiculous thing or not

Okay so, I'm mentally ill, right? Second most severely mentally ill person in the family.

The MOST mentally ill is my cousin, who developed drug induced psychosis several years ago. It was a really bad situation, and now it's better but it's still pretty bad (like his parents provide for him and meet up with him at least once a week, but he's homeless). There were issues with violence, it was SUPER traumatizing for everyone involved.

Ive been more noticeably mentally ill as late, and I think I'm good at mostly hiding it. But I'm really worried about accidentally displaying weird symptoms (eg counting out loud, head shaking) around my cousins family, because i dont want to like trigger them or anything, or to make them uncomfortable at all.

But I also am aware I sometimes don't interpret social situations correctly or assume the worst (bc of social trauma), and have slight issues with paranoia and magical thinking etc. So I dont know if my carefulness about this situation is reasonable or not.

Im also going to talk about this to my parents tomorrow on the road trip there, but I also want other people's opinions

[basaltbutch]

also out on trail i had the silliest set of circumstances happen to me. let me outline it to you real quick;

im vaguely bored upon reaching camp again after four days of brushcutting the same trail. have to go take a piss and realize i can also go wander off and look at the scenery.

so i find a nice spot w a bit of the view but hidden from the trail. go to piss and wonder why there's something sharp against my bare skin when i was pretty sure it was clear. go to brush away the pokey bush with my arm.

not a bush.

Wasps.

i have been stung on the ass and forearm by 5-6 very angry ladies because i pissed on their nest. their very wonderfully camouflaged nest. also the only nest for a long while and i know this bc we didn't see this species at all while working in the two miles around camp.

hightail it back to camp to let the guy in charge of us know who is utterly flabbergasted and i cannot stop howling in laughter because HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN. he tells me to keep an eye on it to see if it'll get worse but my breathing is clear and im not displaying anaphylaxis so fingers crossed i will be fine.

we eat dinner. go to bed. chatting with my fiance since we're on the same crew. my sentences are slowly becoming more and more fractured and im acting in a much sillier way than usual.

"hey." he says. "did you know that some people can get high off of wasp stings & experience pain relief affects?"

"i feel good," i giggle, feeling a mixture of wine drunk and incredibly high and also pain & fatigue free for the first time in my life.

swelling on my arm (others are fine) gets worse over the next few days until im eventually pulled from the field a day early because it's been 48 hours and the swelling's still spreading.

96 hours later. swelling is still slightly present but vastly reduced, doctor says i should be fine if i keep taking benadryls and other overcounter allergy meds.

still mostly pain and fatigue free and am also relieved of a lot of the long covid symptoms i had been feeling over the past 5 or so months.

wasp sting will always be my white whale drug but i fear if im ever stung again it will be a life threatening allergic reaction o7

[irl-wolf0]

jfc, I'm not "calling you an edgelord for displaying symptoms," I called you an edgelord because you responded to a valid argument with death threats. I'm mentally ill too, it's not a get out of jail free card. You're still a grown-ass adult, and unless you were actively dissociating you're still aware of your actions, and you should have the basic self control to not give an unprompted description of how you're going to murder someone. Saying "oh I'm allowed to say/do fucked-up things because I'm mentally ill" is the same logic people use to excuse things like r@pe. You are actively exacerbating the dehumanization of mentally ill people because you're acting like we're all inherently violent and incapable of moderating our own actions.

*You’re* not violent. *I* am.

And never did I say “im allowed to say these things bc im mentally ill”. Yall LOVE putting words in my mouth 💀💀💀

Also to everyone who’s like “im mentally ill and!!!!” shut the fuck up 💀 that’s your mental illness not mine. I’m violent and fucked up and mean *because* of my mental illness.

And yall gotta stop acting like mental illness suddenly makes your moral compass better 💀 *my* mental illness makes me spiteful, hateful, bitter and fucked up. I hate people and I hate being nice.

“You’re acting like we all-“ I ain’t acting like shit 💀 “we all”?? I don’t give a fuck about yall 💀💀💀

[dreadanddespairdyke]

i think one issue 4 me is that all my family are mentally ill. some of them also physically . so like

say im having a tough time and need to just be around Someone. rn i dont have anyone irl who im close to so it has to be family. if i go to see my granma she is always displaying clear symptoms of depression and sometimes other stuff and so we cant rly hold a conversation either of us, shes v quiet and will kind of like. idek how to explain it but she cant make conversation and she gets sad and quiet v v easily and we just . i cant take care of her and she cant take care of me . u know

well not take care of but keeping eachother company so u dont go insane yknow

my mom is busy working and shes also like. depressed and adhd and whatever tf . but shes easier to talk to when she isnt busy. idk i need to find someone to be around genuinely

or otherwise need to start a tv series or watching movies.. or finishing the games ive started

idk maybe when i start working or going back to school that wld help. maybe id find friends there too but i dont want to get my hopes up

feel like such a pathetic child for it but i just want to be around someone. i never used to be like this tf is wrong with me now?? i used to love being alone left to my own devices for years and years bcs i was able to comfort myself adequately . but i cant anymore . im deteriorating in terms of emotional stability but also in terms of mental ability/functioning and its so scary im 2 young for this

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[pretty-ichor]

RANT

i want to start going to therapy regularly again with a new therapist and psychiatrist but thats so fucking annoying. going through a bunch of them to find someone im compatible with, trying to play into their game of "says too little, isnt being cooperative - says too much, is exaggerating" cause obviously its gonna sound like im exaggerating if i try to display my life and my symptoms in 60 minutes. also the tests, annoying, and in my experience, not accurate. i know whats happening, i have my previous diagnoses, why are they completely dismissing them? they seem to want to diagnose you with like 10 different mental illnesses before even considering the possibility of autism (WHICH I WAS LITERALLY DIAGNOSED WITH PREVIOUSLY). and also the fear of rejection. being rejected by a therapist because they know they cannot help is a whole new level of feeling rejected. im seeing my old therapist soon bc i just really wanted to see her, but she cant really help me other than to listen

[bogboy420]

not sure i 100% agree w this post tbh but i think that's bc i hav a very different perspective on things

i do think tho that jax has a fear of being controlled and consequences but that's 1 of the things that was always p noticeable 2 me as some1 w ASPD and is 1 of the reasons i hc jax as having ASPD i don't think it comes from jax "wanting" 2 b an asshole and tbh i think this is smth a lot of ppl don't understand abt ASPD or abt when i talk abt jax and y i think he has ASPD

i think it's far more likely that jax's behaviour comes from constantly lashing out bc of being in a high control environment, like the digital circus is controlled by caine and apart from the daily adventures they don't really hav anything 2 do and caine brags abt how much control he has over their environment saying "1 of the few things i don't hav control over is ur minds" which is fucking terrifying when u think abt it and what it would b like 2 hear that after being permanently transported 2 a world that doesn't even technically exist and u can't go back, that is a terrifyingly controlled situation and it makes sense 2 me as some1 w ASPD that jax would b lashing out at the ppl around him by messing w them as a way of trying 2 regain some lvl of control of the situation he's in

it's not "his fault" he's just in a really bad situation and i think more ppl need 2 understand that the circus in tadc is not just gonna b this cozy normal 4 the characters even if they r trying 2 achieve some lvl of normality and attempting 2 achieve normality in a bad situation doesn't stop it being actively terrible and it feels unfair 2 say that some1's behaviour is their fault when they r reacting 2 a situation that would realistically b actively traumatising especially 2 some1 who has ASPD which can make u unable 2 handle the idea of some1 having control over u in any way bc of how massively unsafe it can feel

also tbh i don't think that the employee re-evaluation scene was mild?? idk it just feels weird 2 say that it's mild as like an objective thing?? like idk 2 me that scene was genuinely scary and tbh way 2 real i think every1 just kinda is gonna hav different feelings abt stuff

also tbh jax 2 me always just kinda seemed tired af? but in more of like a mania way if that makes sense?? like ep 4 we see depressed jax whereas in the previous episode we saw jax in a more manic state desperately trying 2 grasp at any semblance of control he could possibly hav over the situation while lashing out at those around him since he's pissed off and scared, he's mad abt being put in this situation and having no way out bc "this isn't fair wtf, y is it just ok 4 this fucking guy 2 do this? and y is no1 helping me when im clearly freaking out?" like from jax's perspective he was basically just having an ongoing mental breakdown and none of these ppl cared enough 2 help him but now he's expected 2 give a shit abt them which yeh that would b frustrating but it's frustrating on all ends bc the others don't seem 2 c that jax is having a mental breakdown abt his situation and think he's just being a dick but then that makes things more frustrating 4 jax bc now it's like "oh so when it's gangle crying u care abt mental health but just bc im not having a mental breakdown in the 'correct way' now im an asshole" which then leads him 2 lash out more bc he thinks their being assholes and so on, it just continues in a cycle and idk man it feels weird how much of the responsibility 4 this is usually put on the shoulders of ppl w ASPD 2 try 2 calm things down and b more civil when it's like... that's literally the thing that is super hard 4 us bc of having ASPD tho? yk?

like okay, 4 ppl who don't hav ASPD, try imaging 2 b civil w ppl that u think r being dicks 2 u 4 displaying mental health symptoms or ppl who u perceive as being controlling of u, hard 2 imagine y u would right? or how it should b ur responsibility 2 make peace w the ppl who r treating u like shit 4 being disabled and/or actively controlling u, bc like surely when they r the 1s doing that it should b on them 2 apologise and not on u 2 make nice w ppl who r actively treating u like shit

now on top of that try 2 imagine being civil in a way that is approved by normal society just in general if u had the following symptoms:

- lack of empathy, meaning that u don't automatically mirror the emotions of other ppl and can also make it hard 2 tell what emotion some1 is even feeling

- more prone 2 irritability even if u feel like ur being unreasonable

- this might just b bc i also hav dissociative stuff going on from other things but that combined w my lack of empathy i've found can result in my conversations w ppl not rly feeling "real" and it feeling not rly any different from talking 2 an npc in a video game or a chatbot ai which can make conversations difficult especially bc of the awareness of knowing im "supposed 2" c conversations w real ppl differently which can just make me more prone 2 irritability bc then it feels like every conversation has an added layer of unachievable societal expectation that just simply isn't fair 2 me due 2 it being unachievable, usually i wouldn't list this since it's likely a combined thing of cross over between my dissociation and my ASPD but from what i've seen in the show it feels very relevant 2 jax and how he interacts w ppl

- chronic boredom which can also make u hav less patience 4 conversations that r getting in the way of u having fun and can make it so that u kinda just want 2 get the conversation over w so u can go back 2 having fun or finding smth fun 2 do even if u do actually wanna help the person

- possibly gonna get shit 4 this 1 but being selfish? ik it's seen as an inherently negative quality but it's smth that ik i hav bc of my ASPD where it's just legit hard 4 me 2 think abt any1 other than myself and i often need shit explained 2 me bc of that and so it can make conversations hard especially when ppl hav this very vilified idea of selfishness that can make asking questions come off as antagonistic

now imagine having all of that shit and probably more going on constantly and then imagine having 2 try 2 make nice w a bunch of ppl u think r controlling u and being ableist 2 u abt ur symptoms and trying 2 control u 2 make u more acceptable 2 them would u actually fukin do it or would u b like "well y is it my fukin job 2 make nice w these guys when they r actively being dicks 2 me?"

so yeah idk as some1 w ASPD i think jax's behaviour makes so much more sense thru that lense than it does thru a neurotypical lense

Jax's fear of being trapped and what that might imply about his past/future

Hello 2 days ago i've developped a chronic case of Brainrotting about Jax, tragic I know.

I'm kinda basing this slightly of what Gooseworx have said in QnAs though I will not rely on it because I think purely relying on a creator's words and not the media isn't really satisfying.

The main thing that stood out to me in this episode with Jax was that he seems to fear punishement.

He seems really freaked out when Gangle proposed the idea of Cain punishing him...

And then he immediatly goes to Zooble to be like "lol you don't believe Cain actually could punish us right ?" and while he's proven right at the end of the episode, the fact that he immediatly tries to seek reassurance that he wouldn't get punished says a lot. In fact in his expressions he looks both sides while saying it almost like he seems...unsure/anxious (idk the right word).

Also when he's brought into the employee training scene. He's weirdly...afraid and shaken by it ?? (not showing the screenshot cos everyone remembers that scene).

Which like, I understand that was terrifying but it was a strangely strong reaction to something that...light ? I mean he wasn't brainwashed or anything. I might be stretching it but all of it, including the scene's purpose makes me wonder if it brought Jax bad memories of...something.

After that scene happens, he completely acts normal and stops trying to be a dick completely.

Now this isn't a convo about weither that's Jax's true self and his jerk self is a persona. People are trying way too hard to either try to make him a one dimensional asshole or secretly a good guy which like he's neither he's a bastard with layers. But that's not what this is about so ANYWAYS.

All of this made me wonder what was Jax's main Thing, more so his theme or the thing that makes him tick.

We know with Gangle it's her issue with masking (her dreams, how she feels, etc...), Ragatha being a people pleaser, Zooble's body dysmorphia, King's memories and how they link with the loss of his wife and Pomni's desire for companionship.

For Jax we actually don't really know other than...he's a dick and he's using it to cope which like....duh ?

But with this episode and also a little thing that I got from researching QnAs (because i'm normal and chill like that) made me realise what could Jax's Thing.

A Fear of Consequences and being Trapped

Now the main thing that drove this thought was me finding out Gooseworx assigning a song to Jax which is this one.

Don't fence me in, huh....

That line meaning a desire to not be restricted and not losing their freedom.

This makes me think this is probably what Jax's character is at least partially about, or more so...his biggest fear. Being restricted, reprimended or trapped.

I think in part that fear could be related to his past, which I'm gonna throw my cards here, my own personal theory is that he was stuck in juvenile detention for misbehaving as a kid. That experience traumatising him enough that he was probably similar to the Jax we've seen at the end of episode 4, just Tired.

Now does it Necessarely have to be a juvenile detention center, honestly no ? But it's the thing that makes the most sense in my head.

Either way this also explains a lot of things about his behavior in the circus.

He's now secluded in a space with absolutely 0 Consequences, the one person who can dish it out is an AI who is probably programmed to never harm humans (directly at least). He's even proven right at the end of episode 4.

I think what led to Jax's shit behavior was this realisation that this is pretty much now his Safe Heaven. In real life he can't just be who he wants to be, there's potential consequences that he's afraid of.

Now I know I'm gonna hear like "oh so you just think Jax is an asshole by nature", I don't think he is (i don't think he's ever been a nice person his life but like there's a difference here), I genuinely think he's not more so being himself rather that it's just that he's overcompensating for the lack of freedom that he's felt his entire life.

In a way it's similar to how people act on the internet.

Imagine that you were a misbehaving kid and you were reprimended HARSHLY for it, to the point where you're not really fixed per say but you're stuck being terrified of even being slightly flawed.

But now here he is, in a place where death doesn't matter, the harm he does doesn't matter and the one person who can actually hurt him just gives him weird shenanigans that give him opportunities to lash out.

However, there's a tiny little problem...

This fantasy cannot last forever forever and I'm not talking about them getting out because as far as they know it's out of the cards for them.

It's very much clear that the circus with the arrival of Pomni is becoming more tight knit and less divided, creating a more solid friendship group with the help of Pomni being an actual normal nice human person (Zooble is nice too but they're more jaded and too depressed to deal with most of everything, and Ragatha is a whole baggage).

It's becoming increasingly clear in the episodes themselves as well that, Jax can't just be an asshole anymore. Every episode since episode 1 has led to him being reprimended or him not being given what he wants. The group is becoming closer and they're sick of his bullshit.

He also probably doesn't like being alone and hated. We see him seeming sad at the talk of Kofmo's funeral before having to go back to being angry and dismissive in his facial expression.

Maybe he really did want to go to Kofmo's funeral but like would anyone actually believe he would be genuine, after being an asshole for so long would it really be worth for Jax to just break it all right there.

But it's clear he's also not really enjoying being alone.

Jax in a way is basically burrying a hole for himself. Being an asshole was his perfect dream after probably living a life of boredom and repression but now that this consequenceless existence has finally revealed itself to just be a mirage, he's now unable to access the things he really needs.

Actual friendship.

It's clear that the Digital Circus has a point of companionship being extremely important, in fact when we get mentions of Kofmo's abstracting we get also mentions about how no one really founds his jokes funny. Kinger mentioning how making someone feel alone and unwanted is the worst thing you could do to someone. Gangle is saved by Pomni and Zooble's presence.

However there's no one at fault for Jax's isolation, he only has himself to blame.

Ive got more but i'm tired so hope you guys enjoyed it.

[edelgarfield]

i was making a post abt lestat iwtv being bpd coded and how through that lens the way other characters treat him, and the way fans justify it rly unsettles me (i was focusing on the friends that i watched the show with, though im sure the fandom does it too, but im not touching that with a 10 ft pole)

but i stopped bc i realized i was pretending to talk abt lestat but i was actually talking abt me and watching the show & hearing the way my friends talk abt someone who exhibits symptoms of my disorder was really upsetting

so like there's a thousand posts in the bpd (and other communities on tumblr) that say something along the lines of "everyone's sympathetic until i start exhibiting symptoms of the mental illness i told you i have." and yes, that's true & it sucks.

but i was thinking abt past relationships & even some of the friendships that i have at the moment. people LOVE receiving affection & attention from people with bpd. like that's ALSO something that gets talked about all the time, we can be super compassionate, empathetic, etc etc. people love having someone they KNOW isn't going to leave, they love being able to walk in & out of my life at their leisure, they love getting showered with gifts & having someone who will do virtually anything for them. this is extremely common behavior.

those are all a direct result of my bpd. people don't care at all when i'm exhibiting THOSE symptoms. in fact they actively enjoy & benefit from it. people LOVE the fact that I have bpd. a TON of people actively encourage those symptoms and use them to their advantage. my fear of abandonment makes me extremely easy to manipulate and i've had PLENTY of people do that. my shittier friends will invoke my triggers or withhold affection or ghost me in order to get the response they want. they know they can win an argument by threatening to leave.

so people will actively encourage & use my bpd to their benefit, but then get upset with me as soon as i display a negative symptom of the disorder they've been encouraging. like obviously i'm 100% responsible for my behavior & no matter how i'm treated that's not an excuse to hurt another person or try to manipulate them.

but the "positive" symptoms of bpd (the affection & desperation & attention) don't feel positive for ME. they feel good on the receiving end but for me it's still awful, I'm panicking & empty and it hurts a lot. but nobody cares how I feel, they only care how my disorder affects them. and i work really hard to regulate & control myself! it takes a lot of effort on my part to keep my bpd from hurting other people but no one thinks about how their actions hurt me. like again it's not other people's job to manage my illness but there's also a bunch of extremely minor things people could do that would make it 100x easier on me. but i feel like i can't ask for them bc any time someone w/ bpd asks for ANYTHING it's seen as manipulative & toxic. i'm always second guessing whether it's "okay" to be honest about how i'm feeling bc i worry about even accidentally making someone feel pressured to help me. i feel like i can't explain that i have bpd bc as soon as i do people will see any emotional vulnerability from me as a form of manipulation.

so like, it just feels incredibly unfair that people are allowed to manipulate & benefit & enjoy the symptoms of my disorder no matter how much it hurts me, but as soon as it affects them in a way they don't like, i'm manipulative & an inherently bad person and all the things they enjoyed about me previously are suddenly recolored as an elaborate scheme. like i'm 100% responsible for any emotional manipulation or cruelty that's caused by my bpd, that's completely fair. but nobody cares about the way people use my bpd for their own benefit or use it to manipulate me, that's just considered acceptable. if someone is benefiting from my bpd in a way that hurts me, nobody cares bc i'm just crazy and it's my fault for getting hurt,

[judeharoldvich]

stop me if im Displaying Symptoms here BUT so basically i went to the eras tour the first time on opening day friday 13th on the first possible showing dressed as evermore era and it was more or less perfect like me and my friends had fun and we got the good popcorn buckets but they werent selling the premium cups plus i really REALLY loved the movie so i decided i'd go again this friday BUT i overslept :( so i got ANOTHER ticket for today and here's the thing the night before i overslept i overslept because i couldnt sleep so i was just like scrolling on tiktok for hours and this tarot reading pops up and usually i roll my eyes BUT this guy NEVER misses and i dont follow or like his videos so i know that when he pops up its real but basically he says 'im getting saturday for some reason? something is in store for saturday lets see what it is' and he does a reading and obviously he's reading it as love-related but like tbh you can have intuition and also just interpret it wrong bc humans are fallible so i just kind of dismissed it but the saturday thing felt real somehow. anyway so i overslept of course and i was upset but i thought WELL i mean he did say saturday would be important... plus it was like raining really heavily when i did wake up so it wouldve sucked getting into town anyway so i just got another ticket for saturday and i was GOING to dress as reputation and i kind of attempted to but then realised i was actually just in a suit and leather trousers with pink sunglasses which is basically Tyler Swift from The Man which is on Lover so I was like oh well i love rep and lover equally (though i listen to lover more shhhh) so anyway no i did not meet my soulmate there nor did i really expect to HOWEVER i gave away a bunch of friendship bracelets more or less willy nilly at the end not really expecting many trades because i made them to be given out and didnt really care about getting other peoples though i got a couple and ONE of them was Daylight which i got to choose because i figured someone would have already taken my daylight one (which was maybe my favourite that id made but i was fine giving it away to make people happy). anyway so i get home and im looking through the remaining bracelets of mine and one of the only ones remaining IS MY DAYLIGHT ONE. sidenote ive loved daylight ever since i first listened to it since the very first niiight its probably in my top three its that good and it really feels Monumental you know like its the closer to the lover album which originally had NO deluxe tracks (and still only technically has one extra single) and someone once said lover is like the season finale of your twenties and thats SOO TRUE and as someone who's only in their early twenties (21!!! like all too well another of my favourites). so basically what im saying is daylight is my song daylight is the kind of relationship thats coming my way i feel it i claim it i am determined to survive my twenties and my thirties and so on however long it takes to find someone and be worthy of finding them do you know what i mean

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw: SA of minors by adults, creepy behavior by adult toward minors, stalking mention, very abusive, violent and dangerous abuser.

looking for: someone to listen

im finding out more and more about my abuser which validates I know I went through abuse by her but it scares me bc she apparently had hooked up with a minor when we were YA after high school sometime I think. she had abused many exes ive spoken with including ex-friends who really hate her now and im in touch with a couple of her exes. she downplays the violent and scary abuse and stalking she's put people through by acting like "everyones toxic, so what" kind of mindset about it... she really traumatized a certain ex of hers by literally man handling her ex and showing up in the middle of the night to try to break into the house, and SA'd her ex multiple times bc the victim kept going back obviously as we do as abuse victims.... I went back to this abuser multiple times as well...super scary. ive been speaking with victims. she's been stalking me with her friends. I regularly talk to some of these victims and thankfully have good relationships with them, they believe me that I was abused by her of course bc they were too. idk what to do about a stalker who literally knows and admitted to the fact that she knew she abused me since the beginning when we first met. I know looking back at my interactions with her over the years I had good intentions, my thoughts and intentions were not malice or manipulative but simply confused... but she tried manipulating me into a situation to try to SA me, like not telling me she wanted sex but trying to get me to have sex by manipulating the circumstances so she could get what she wanted for her own pleasure and I ended up feeling trapped and it happened but I didn't and couldn't consent... and she did end up SA me bc im displaying symptoms of SA and symptoms in relation to her but I have no memory of the SA. there was another person she kept trying to fuck but the person didn't want to have sex, and she kept manipulating the circumstances by making the victim drink more to see if she's trying to fuck but thats rape... and she admitted to it but she makes excuses like "people change their minds" and "if she didn't want it she would've stopped me" like what.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. Experiencing trauma like this can be devastating, and it's important to acknowledge that what you went through is valid regardless of what your abuser has done against others. But it certainly can create a sense of unity, solidarity, and belonging to have a support system of other survivors who were victimized by your abuser, and it can be incredibly meaningful to surround yourself with people who believe you.

It can be incredibly challenging to deal with abusers like this, who avoid accountability, downplay the gravity of their actions, and manipulate people in order to take advantage of them. It sounds like there are unfortunately multiple instances of your abuser doing these things, and it's important to note that repeated trauma can have a cumulative effect, making it more difficult to heal from, though not impossible.

I think it's also important to just say that regarding the idea that "if she didn't want it she would've stopped me", it sadly neglects other cues like body language, and other factors like fear and intimidation, which can all make it harder for someone to feel comfortable withdrawing their consent. Verbal consent is not the only kind of consent, and I thought it would be a good opportunity to reaffirm that.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist can help you process your experiences and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[badbrainblurbs]

i think the current look at pds esp as rep by the dsm5 is rather wonky i think icd-11 is better but needs more depth and explanation to an extent but anyways th general consensus seems to be that bpd and schizoid are not comorbid™ and are opposites which is interesting bc bpd n avpd are comorbid n avpd n schizoid are comorbid so like lol? but i meet min. criteria for all but i feel like my the schizoid traits can be explained away by introversion and the avoidant by social anxiety. i feel like I've always preferred being alone and have little interest in forming friends usually nor do i really understand like why or how n why or how others are interested in interactions. I've had flat or blunted affect and dont really display emotions since a kid yet in certain settings depending on comfort level i do or am able to so i think the flat affect is to a certain level masking tho not always and when it's masking i think it cld be linked to the avpd and anxiety bc im scared of being awkward and judged. im fine being alone bc i feel most comfy n don't hv to deal with outside pressure i can just be myself yet the bpd traits kick in where im not sure who that self is so like yh im alone n it feels good but who am i do i even really like being alone idk. when im arnd others sometimes i become painfully aware of my aloneness and ostracization and i wish i cld connect with ppl but i always resort to thinking but no one wld want to interact with me anyways and also u hv nothing to talk abt ur so boring n yk general avpd perceived incompetencies narrative. there's also the bpd fears of ppl leaving but also of becoming attached which is embarrassing and stressful being in tht so involved state of mind caring so much the instability based on the person's interactions with me the splitting im also more of a quiet bpd which i think may link to the shizoid flat effect so the bpd inner turmoil drives me crazy bc no one understands that all of that is going on inside while i try to maintain being normal with the other person. im extremely sensitive since a kid n have rapid short lived mood n emotional changes but again most of that is internal. my most push pull fear of abandonment bpd traits occur when i let someone in ive actually nvr made a friend myself im always been befriend but yh if someone continues to show repeated interest eventually the distrust minimizes enough and they pass the avpd im sure i will be liked requirement n i let them in n soon the bpd attachment patterns kick in. i sometimes also idealise familiar strangers creating a narrative of them in my head sometimes wishing i cld actually speak to them or not but rarely ever doing so and when i hv the idealisation breaks n turns to devaluation bc they are ofc nothing like the months worth of characterization ive made abt them in my head. dissociation is also a problem for me which is schizoid n bpd overlap in particular. once im not in an attachment n in an isolated state with no friends or frequent connections the schizoid mindset dominates so i wonder if it isn't to an extent developed to combat the avpd n bpd longing for connection by putting up a front. the bpd ppl related symptoms also ease since the trigger ppl is missing but if i do have to interact with ppl like in school the avpd traits are strong. just in personal experience i do think they can also coexist unless i am misunderstanding something

[foxmulderautism]

actually one of my fave details that im close to writing soon is that the first memory beau has of a specific symptom after bobbys diagnosis that impacts him (bc initially he was not displaying any which was also very weird to process) is this one time in beau’s room when they were doing their own thing and bobby was so fatigued he just fell asleep for hours which is not something he’s ever done. but the detail that makes me crazy is he fell asleep whilst he was reading midnight cowboy the novel because like. this is a movie he watched when he was far too young to understand it but knew he was compelled by the aesthetics + the idea of men being “tutti frutti” lol + what he understood of the story and the ending….so for him to revisit it not only as an adult but as an adult who despite not being in the same situation as the story is trying to process that he is sick himself and going to die and his friends are gonna have to go through that….yeah.

Yeah

bobby as a movie head kind of hilarious to me because unlike beau he’s not fixated on one specific genre so his canon fave movies of all time are so varied. you start dating bobby and he’s excited to show you all his fave movies and it’s like midnight cowboy, strangers on a train because he thinks farley granger is hot, videodrome, suspiria, a really mid romance drama because it has al pacino playing a character named bobby, the evil dead, every david cronenberg and john waters movie and also the muppets take manhattan

[heliuwm]

.