#bc he’s even worse at talking to girls
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You ever be writing a scene in your fic that’s a personality self-insert without realizing it lmaooo
#currently writing a group of girls lowkey trying to flirt with LSZ#and LSZ having no idea how to respond bc he doesn’t know how to talk to girls#and LJY unintentionally saving him from the situation by saying the most unhinged shit imaginable#bc he’s even worse at talking to girls#THEY’RE LITERALLY BOTH ME LMFAOOO#apple babble 🍎#fic musings#hi im gay
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Love that Terra clearly had the worst possible understanding of Eda and Raine (thinking they wouldn’t team up to fight her as kids, that Raine wasn’t smart enough to lie through their teeth until the Day of Unity, etc) but even SHE knows damn well those two are absolute fucking losers for each other. Can you imagine how insufferable they had to be off-screen for Terra to openly mock it with zero hesitation. What did she have to bear witness to
#the owl house#toh#toh spoilers#for the future#terra snapdragon#eda clawthorne#raine whispers#raeda#talk#drabble post#'i like musicians!'#oh girl what kind of bullshttery did you have to sit through#i refuse to believe its one of those 'you just see it from afar' things#i know in my HEART. THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY HORRENDOUS TO BE AROUND#lilith likes raine she does she thinks theyre cool but she couldnt STAND to be in the same room as them w eda#my apologies but we all have to know those 2 were the couple that borderline made out in the school hallways#literally always talking in the middle of class and doing stupid shit#arguably its worse now bc theyre in the pining obviously from afar but we gotta unpack that later theres a world to save rn#darius staring into space in the single day he had to be in the same base as them as they prepared for the day of unity like. oh good lord.#i forgot how bad they were. how did i ever forget this. how is this worse. how did they make this even worse they arent even kissing yet#theyre so disgustingly in love with each other its like getting toothrot#which is the long way of saying F to belos when eda learns what he did#it is on SIGHT YOU OLD CORPSE
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It’s so embarrassing and heartbreaking being in so much pain over losing someone while knowing they don’t give a fuck if you live or die. Your favorite person becoming a stranger is a special kind of hell.
#I fucking hate having bpd#while I’m at it I don’t understand the fuckin audacity some people have to say they love you and do horrible things to you#I feel so stupid#I feel so stupid for believing all the lies#but I was so in love and put him on such a pedestal that I just allowed it all.#thinking about someone constantly and grieving over them and knowing they’re perfectly fine and to them you don’t exist#I’m still in such a state of grief and I don’t understand why time hasn’t healed#it honestly feels like it’s gotten worse w time#I just torture myself but I can’t help it my brain wants me dead#it’s so painful I feel so fucking stupid#being abandoned with no closure by someone who’s your entire world#for someone they were unfaithful to you with multiple times (I don’t even know how many and dony want to know) immediately#like that was the plan all along#he took our cat hundreds of miles away and I don’t even know if he still has her or if she’s still alive and I miss her every day#I never loved someone like that and it feels like the heartbreak is actually physically killing me#i spent 1/5 of my entire life with him#I was my prettiest and had the best body at the time and I wasted it on someone who didn’t appreciate me#not wasted. it wasn’t wasted. we had some incredible times together#I’ll never be that beautiful again#and now idk what do so bc i can’t decide which is worse: being alone and isolating or loving deeply and ending up horribly hurt all over#it’s all just so upsetting.#and I feel so stupid for allowing it all#he knows more about me than anyone and he made me feel like he loved me so much sometimes and then did horrid things and it’s so fucked up#nobody read this I’m so embarrassed and horribly broken#it traumatized me so much there was so much abuse and pain idk if I’ll ever recover#I deserved it but it still hurts my heart#I was so mentally ill and sick I know it had to have been miserable to be around me#there are so many things only he understands and knows about me and I need to talk about them I j wanna b able to b there 4 each other#but that girl is so beyond insecure and controlling so. if I want to talk to who fuckin gets me I’m just fucked#why lead someone on like that for years knowing you’re going to abandon them the second it’s convenient
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spaced out a little while i was outside and didn't realize i was standing in the rain this whole time and now i really need to change my clothes but anyway got a silly idea to make a group of ocs which are just one guy who genuinely looks normal, has his life together, acts somewhat sane (at. first) but also has THE worst i can fix her mindset ever and a group of really cute girls who he dates in different timelines (OR in one single timeline. it's just one big epic polycule) and all of them have their issues and they genuinely love him but they're also like "he's so so nice to us we should make him question his morals and turn his life into hell and repeatedly ask him if he's helping us because he actually loves us or just bc he likes to feel in control and he wants us to stay vulnerable so that we'll never leave :)"
#i don't have that many thoughts about the girls yet BUT i want one of them to#have some health issues and depend on him a lot and like. kiiiinda imply that he really does like it that she needs him so much#but also imply that even though she really does need his help she's also kiiiiiinda making her symptoms worse on purpose.#bc this is what love is all about babeyyyyyy#anyway. not a unique idea at all. i'm sure this has been done before many times. just smth i found silly#also can we talk abt the fact that i came up with this and spaced out so much that i didn't notice the rain.#AND IT WAS. LIKE. LIKE IT WASN'T JUST A FEW RAINDROPS#i kinda wanna draw the guy... but i have to finish my beautiful kei sanada art first#[ 💚 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐬 ]
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yeah so that scene where mike kicks down the fort in his basement in s1 is definitely supposed to be paralleled by will taking down castle byers in s3. just if anyone cares about when mike turned his back on being a kid.
#stranger things#80s#the duffer brothers#byler#miwi#will byers#mike wheeler#byler endgame#st5#ive heard people say it symbolizes him losing trust in el#and thats a good interpretation#until you watch the next scene where he's talking to dustin and feeling bad for how he treated el#like it would work...#but NO#because he takes the fort down right after he#1: is told that his attempts to find will are actually doing the opposite and ensuring he's left to die in the upside down#2: is accused of caring more about being liked by a girl than saving his best friend#3: fights with lucas who gets hurt and leaves to look for will alone -- bc he thinks his chances of finding will are better without mike#4: loses el after the fight with lucas-- another friend that went missing under his nose#5: LOSES EL. his one link to will. his last hope.#in my opinion this was reality sinking in#this was him realizing that this isnt some campaign that they could win and be okay at the end of#he felt the most hopeless he ever had and tore down the only safe place in his home#him tearing down the fort wasnt him losing trust in el it was him losing hope and confidence in himself as a leader and friend#and yknow he jumps off the quarry right after that... mayhaps thinking it was all he had to offer anymore...???#AND THEN HE TRIES TO REBUILD IT AT THE END OF S1 BUT IT JUST SLOWLY DISAPPEARS PIECE BY PIECE IN S2 & 3#in the following seasons -- even when his friends are goofing off and acting their age -- mike is decidedly not#he puts himself in the role of a leader and protector at age 12 and literally never comes back from it#and yeah the more he 'fails' at it the worse he feels about himself the more he tries to grow up#me waiting for s5 to confirm mike's complicated and incredibly intricate and well written character status
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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About to hand weave this man a potion carrying pouch in his character colors. I was already thinking about it. And then was like no. It's too early. I'll just give him a bit of the yarn my pouch is woven out of that I hypothetically would use as one of the components as a favor to wear for the tournament. I will be normal. So normal.
AND THEN HE GAVE ME A HANDMADE POTION CARRYING POUCH IN HIS BLUE THIS MAN MATCHED MY FREAK AND I TEMPORARILY SCALED BACK
gonna stay at 100% freak going forward
#faer personal files#i am about to get so so sappy in the tags#i am typing this bc i started setting up my loom and then i was like wait i need sleep#i literally have dnd in the morning#augh#it is immune to boyfriend curse bc 1. he did not request it 2. it is a surprise and 3. i am weaving not knitting 4. im not a girl#oh 5 he's not even technically my boyfriend yet#i also want to flex. like even when he is at events i am not at i want people envying his custom hand woven pouch and him to be like thanks#my partner made it for me <3#man cannot hand me a mace and a cool heraldic item and expect me to not want everyone to know he is loved#he's gonna have to get used to it. not saying i love you yet you know what i mean.#idk. i like him so much. i like who he is i like how he is and i like that he actually has room for me in his head#i like being looked at without feeling sliced in two. even i can't always do that when i look in the mirror.#i like when he smiles. i like when he looks a little surprised about how delighted i am by him but i'm gonna like it even more when#the surprise settles down bc he feels secure in how much i like him#i wanna make him worse i want to give him an ego i want to make him better i want him to love himself so much#i love getting 3 am goodnight texts bc he was working on his art i love sending those i was in an art hole text now i must sleep texts#a good 6 hours earlier lol and having him be just as hyped i love talking to him i love his smile so much#i am putting in the work to get chill with reciprocation bc i am not used to it and wow. wow. this is. very nice.#my knight
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me a week ago: i love my job!!
me now, after having a mid-year review that amounted to you’re doing an excellent job and you bring such a valuable perspective to our practice but i don’t have the ability to give you a raise right now but don’t worry bc i just hired a new CFO to try to figure out money so we can maybe give you a raise later this year: *breaks into a cold sweat as i crack open indeed dot com*
#like how have you hired FOUR new employees in the past year (two new providers a new admin assistant and now a CFO)#without having plans for people to level up?#also i have talked to a friend who got hired at a similar practice a few months after me and she’s already making way more than me!#and you know who else makes more than i do?#my 19yo nephew who didn’t even finish high school. to be fair he’s grinding way more than he should#but also so am i!!#my disabled ass is working 6-7 days/week almost every week and i can barely afford to LIVE in the city where i live!!!#anyway don’t mind me i’m only apartment hunting#while also knowing that my paycheck is about to be hundreds of dollars lighter every month bc my health insurance is about to kick in#right now it’s either looking like we are gonna have to live in the world’s shittiest apartment (not even in the nice part of the city) or#we might just have to find something outside the city. which would be farther from work and friends and everything#yes i am having a full mental breakdown every single day and it’s only gonna get worse bc i’m due to start pmsing any second now#and also my last day at my hospital job is this weekend#bc everyone (including my boss) has encouraged me to quit and focus on only the one job#so now that’s also at least a few hundred bucks more i won’t be making every month#godddddddd#i hate it here i hate it here#did you know? having a fulfilling job still sucks if you aren't fairly compensated???#this is also what happens when you are part of a hot girl profession where everyone else is married to husbands with tech jobs#so they don't have to worry about money like this#anyway anyway anyway#i have never had anxiety so high that i feel as if i might puke before and i used to have a panic disorder so this is a fun new experience#a nice cherry on top of the typical summer depression which is also beating my ass yet again!
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Listening to coinstar by the growlers and thinking about mel so hard I get nauseous
Ridiculous stream of conscious in the tags apologies but not really
#it speaks#white woman moment#its really funny bc like. its very much a her to jfk song#(everyones favorite problematic short king)#but she looks at him with uhhh#like heres this kid(hes 28) standing on the precipice o what she had been all those years ago#but he KNOWS it she didnt know she thought she had mold poisoning from her shitty apartment until she died#and she is projecting so much onto him. which is part of why she doesn't respect him at all#'im a sucker just like you'#its also funny bc like. it is Too Late for Phoenix.also its scary that theyre hungry bc as far as she knows death avatars arent supposed 2 b#but also theyre the first one shes met. and Phoenix is kind of just scary in general.#but being around those two is like. almost flashbacky(jfk also reminds her alot of her ex aroun that age tho audreys dad was Worse)#(she never met him but heard enough stories about the guy and i mean. he fed her to the hunt on purpose.#i dont think jorges dad wanted what was going to happen to happen)#part of why she texted her so fast tbh. not that they hadnt talked at all since the divorce.#i thinj they talked. not alot bc mel WAS in europe and international data rates pre smartphone age oof ouch#and also like. they did irrevocably harm eachother physically and mentally but they do both careeeeee#tho. i do not think melissa wouldve ever dropped everything to go help audrey like audrey would and did for her.#(girl who runs away from her problems x girl who is a dog)#auuughhhhhh#she really is my chew toy.#i also think alot about her sky mafia years but those r fun and sexy little secrets for me#as much as i love Basil's motw campaign i do with it was easier to unentangle her from tma lore.#bc like. normal vampire works well but it loses so much of the flavor. various sea beasts keep the flavor but loose the morality.#for pathfinder if i were to redo her id go with storm oracle and then spec into kineticist. which does work Ok I Guess.#but like. even that its still not what i want#one scene that probably would've never happened in game but i thought ahout if we ever went back to the item storage or maybe a wierd thrift#shop or something was to like. have her come across a violin and pick it up and make it scream horribly. like. really concentrate on making#it make the worst noise imaginable. shes trying to reach that wonderful horrible music avatars mention alot in the earlier seasons#and then realizes everyone else Hates That So Much and jokingly play one of the devil's riffs from tdwdg. tbh i should finally draw that
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No you're so right, I hate when people tattle like children. We are adults!? could've just come to you and had a discussion with you before trying to get you in trouble.
ikr!!!??? it’s sooooooo incredibly immature and just shows their foul character!
#acting worse than little school girls smh#and then acting all nice to my face i can’t stand fake people like that!!!#and exactly we could’ve talked about it like adults but they just went and threw me under the bus while making themselves look good#it also makes me side eye my boss though bc i would not like employees who talk badly about coworkers bc it shows they’re not looking out#for the team but only for themselves but clearly he believes them#i mean one of them even got offered more money to stay while he didn’t even want to hear me asking for a raise#it’s just unfair that it’s always selfish fake people getting ahead in life#replies#anonymous
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realizing that it sounds kind of mean for me to be referring to this fic as the “cringe loser” fic if you don’t have the extensive lexicon i’ve created in my head for the lengthy opinion essay i haven’t written about how most people don’t actually want “good” autist-rep, they want “cool” rep even at the expense of ‘accuracy’. just believe me i say “cringe loser” with the highest degree of absolute affection
#N posts stuff#brief overview is: abed is generally one of the only characters i see lauded as Good rep#but there’s no way to quantify his representation in a way that successfully singles him out in the convo#ie; people claim it’s Good bc Harmon is autistic — doesn’t hold up bc post-music sia now touts a diagnosis#so either you think she’s lying for obscure internet clout OR having an autisticwriter in the room isn’t The Thing that makes it work#‘if they would hire autisticactors tho’ but that doesn’t hold up either bc abed is portrayed by an allistic man#and when that MH cartoon with the autistic character dropped people immediately started mocking the voice acting#even tho she was played by an autistic actress. so that also doesn’t hold up#so what differentiates abed?#shaun murphy is ‘cringe’ bc he talks weird and has meltdowns#and wendy please stand by is ‘bad’ bc she lives in a group home#and attorney woo is ‘embarrassing’ bc she has motor skill issues and makes odd facial expressions#and the MH girl is ‘childish’ bc she talks weird#etcetera and so on. so why is abed different? i don’t know if his portrayal Is significantly different#i think he just ‘looks cooler’ than these other characters so people like him more#the deficits he has are usually throwaway jokes instead of things that are given narrative weight. so you can ignore them if you want#and if you wanted to argue that the Narrative of the show is what makes a difference then i would also disagree with you#bc abed is pretty extensively mocked in the show. a lot of his autistic traits are just the punchlines of jokes about his characters#(i mean every character on the show is so at least abed isn’t single out but i wouldn’t exactly call it Respectful)#and if you argue that it’s good bc it’s ‘unintentional’ bc harmon didn’t know he was autistic at the time#then i’d point out that abed is made the punchline of an autism joke within his first five minutes on screen#so they knew Enough about what they were doing to make him the joke. so i don’t believe that holds water either#anyway the argument doesn’t cumulate in the opinion that any of these shows are definitively Good Rep#bc the notion of Good Rep is so shakily defined that it’s hard to quantify and also a lot of the examples i chose aren’t like#‘good’ narratively even if i like the characters so im not arguing that they’re better or worse than community or whatever#it really is just an argument about people wanting things to look ‘cool’ more than they want it ‘real’#and that’s why you see autistic influencers literally bullied off social media by other autistic people for acting ‘cringe’ by.. stimming#and that’s it. bc they didn’t look Cool Enough when they did it#so i think we desperately need to embrace Cringe Losers bc i think the Cool factor is a bad one to measure by
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ultimately my enjoyment is hampered because it is low key sexist bc it takes place in an alternate universe where Sigmund Freud is real. though I did still like it for the most part but I hate Sigmund Freudddd Utena better
#Btw noril don’t read these tags there are spoilers#like idk id have to think abt it more maybe talk abt it with someone else#like does this overall criticize or reinforce gender roles slash heterosexuality#bc like shinji clearly is not the ideal of masculinity and I don’t think that’s seen as a bad thing bc its not like toji’s personality#is seen all that positively either#+ obviously shinji not being a stone cold murderer like gendo wants is a good thing lol#and shinji is straight up into kaworu obviously#but there are a lot of counter examples as well#also I think the adult female characters are all undermined by their sexuality#like ofc gendo and the other old bitch whose name I forget are motivated by their love for yui#but they are stone cold about it. I don’t want to see ritsuko break down crying abt how gendo doesn’t love her dawg#to the point where she is choking out rei being jealous of a child#I think to some extent the show is aware of there being a power imbalance between men and women but even if its treating the#Female characters as distinct individuals worthy of success I think it is a) victimizing them b) claiming there is an inherent unchanging#biological basis for all of these things#pitying of women rather than having contempt for them lol#the only mentally stable person is kaji#you could also say ofc that the 4 main characters who are the most miserable and traumatized#have special attention given to how emotionally broken they are bc they are especially scarred not bc they are women#since obviously shinji is there <I think he’s a trans girl anyway but we are talking abt authorial intent#but I think the way they are treated and the nature of their problems especially asuka and misato is highly highly gendered#not a bad thing inherently since obviously their gender impacts their life#but it does feel less like bc they are a woman society treats them badly#and more like bc they are a woman they are weaker and more emotional and easily hurt. or more emotional about how they are hurt#and shinji is like them bc he is particularly weak#I’ve only seen the show not the movie or rebuilds but him being the only one to resolve his arc positively#asukas mom killing herself over a man ritsuko and her mom and misato self destructing over men#<made worse bc they are grown women so theoretically more mature but since they are susceptible to sexuality they are weaker#than even the female children#‘it’s sad that men have all the control but men will always have all the control’ it feels like. idk thoughhh
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i know i said i would snork mimimi but i just took a shower and realized something okay story goes:boni pleaded me to sit with her on the floor this whole week and you guys my tailbone is bruised. Properly tender. like i don’t have enough ass for this it’s funny but painful like GIRL get urself together i was known for my volleyball player ass now i’m just a shadow this is tragic. TRAGIC.
#i don’t even wanna explain it idk how this happened it does come with the territory of being uw but girl. Not even a little ass? Where did#it go anyway? I talked abt this on my old blog but when i saw cancer boy after a year and we went out the first thing he commented was my#weight and he’s a cancer sun mars and venus and in that moment i knew damn he liked me bc i looked fertile . Anyway if u ever wondered if my#jeonghan thoughts translate into real life yeah baby this is all me. Anyway REALLy sleeping now but wow bruised tailbone is like a new low#maybe if i told him i lost my period maybe that would be his final straw but alas i said something much worse#tt
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i dont think i ever felt more annoyed at commercials than when those mean girls walmart ads were playing a few months ago or whenever that was
#i think it's mostly bc i thought mean girls was like. an okay movie. a fine movie? i think i liked it#but like. i saw it once. i have no nostalgia for it bc i saw it way later/not when it originally came out#and god the way people are so into it. i mean that is great like i dont wanna be a hater for people enjoying things#but me personally. i do not understand why it's a cult classic or whatever klsjfkdlsfj i hear people quote it all the time and im like. 🧍#so having those quotes i already dont care about re contextualized to try to sell me walmart. god. the worst experience jkfsdjfklJFDKLSJF#tbh maybe it woudlve been worse if i liked the movie but i saw comments saying those commercials were funny so WHATEVER#i feel like it's also the same w/like. vocaloid kfsjdflksjgh like i dont dislike it!! i enjoy some songs#but i never had a vocaloid phase when i was younger. i feel so very neutral about miku#ppl on the internet feel so strongly positive and again thats great and i objectively get it#ive been shown vocaloid songs and some are really catchy#but it is one of those instances where im like man. a level of hype i dont fully understand LOL#miku vocaloid stuff is at least endearing tho. i get.... tired... w/mean girls quotes......... ksljfsljfl#It's Always The Same Ones and i just dont think theyre very funny FKJLDSJFDKLSJF maybe i am a hater damn#jk i do think i liked the movie? god i dont remember i watched it like. i dont even know when. college at the earliest i think#but whatever thats just a case of people having different interests just cuz i didnt care about a thing doesnt man its bad other ppl like i#also tho i think bc the mean girls overquoted bits remind me of like. rae dunn ceramics LOL jkfskfjsekht#or like idk live laugh love stuff. yknow like. dont talk to me until ive had my coffee has same energy as on wednesdays we wear pink. to me#it's facebook wine mom humor.... bc it is people roughly my age that were/are really into it and they are now mom age i guess lwpfhewhfp#god i need to go to bed im tired and it's making me a cranky complainer about stuff that doesnt matter!!!!#went 2 my dash in a dif tab and immediately saw a miku post is she gonna get me for not having strong feelings about her#im sorry miku i just . i dont get it JKFLJDSKLFJKSLD#ur music is fun i just dont proportionately understand. i feel like im missing context w/this one girl maybe thats my bad idk#or maybe it's just i found u too late idk. i will jam to the bops tho#that endless/everlasting/whatever nights thing w/like the 4 alt storyline songs is soooo fun i love those#dont ask me the names of the ppl in them tho i dont fuckin know besides like. 3 of them. one is miku LOL#and those yellow twin kids. len and ren. or rin? len and rin? i dont remember and i dont care enough to look it up sorry small children#theres that blue haired guy that was in the one prsk route i played but i forgot his name again#i dont know if hes in those songs i was talkin about tho i only remember what he looks like in his youthful wonderland alt loll#i talk in the tags bc i get scared it feels safe in my burrow here underground#also im calling mean girls mid and saying i dont have miku hype so i feel like that does warrant going into hiding
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lmao looking at her insta highlights was a mistake
#i feel worse WHY DOES SHE HAVE TONED MUSCLES UGHHH#also my confidence has gone down a tiny bit bc why is she hanging out w all these cool ppl#how is this girl simultaneously a lawyer and also has her social life on max like give me a break#thered a photo of her walking around in heaven either before closing or after opening shes sooo#HOWEVER. i just had a call w her yesterday that made me realise my idea of romance is more romantic than her idea of romance#but also that she doesnt want to do smth super romancey on a 3rd date which according to my friends is fair but according to my heart#it is not. like why are u on a date if u dont wanna do anything romancey at that point just hang out w friends#odd of her to say that too considering our first two dated were quite romantic . anyway#yo this cafe is playing persian music nice. anyway yh#also she makes being middle eastern so gay yk the goodbye fake cheek kiss thing we do . where u like . kiss the air on the sides of the#persons face when ur saying goodbye. ygwim . yeah she doesnt do the fake air kisses she gives u two tender kisses like . anyway#i discussed the stuff she does w my friend and like why r her words so aloof and her actions so...not . and my friends reaction was#basically this is fuckboy behaviour. apparently he used to do that to girls ?? like tell them he rly liked them#and be all charming and romantic even tho he rly wasnt invested at all and he mostly wanted to hook up. like ok#im gonna kill myself then. why would u stroke my hair w my head on ur LAP THEN. WHAT IF SHE TURNS AROUND AND IS LIKE#oops it was nothing#....ill kms actually. no i womt. but anyway#also got added to the gc w the other lecturers givjng talks on the 6th so its getting more real#my friend was like did u do the script yet :))) . almost died shes so scary i love her . but . fuck two exams . crush. talk. ucl cambrdige#three conferences aaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAA im so anxious i dont even feel anything atp#......I HAVE NO MONEY!!! TO TOP IT OFF#my crush and i are both iranian (aka born w extremely expensive taste woven into our genes) but i wanna like#treat her w the entire 2 quid in my bank account ig ♡♡♡#crushposting
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I keep feeling this yearning lately, this tight feeling inside me all the time esp when I'm trying to sleep, an intense sad feeling that nothing I do makes better and I think I'm just yearning for comfort. for someone to talk to me and touch me and look after me a bit. it's just been so long, and I've never let myself experience.. actually can't remember a single time in my life I've let myself experience being comforted lol. every time someone tries I get so tense and anxious and I have to get out of it
#ed mumbles#im running out of ways to deal with it#cutting isnt helping like it used to#drugs are currently making it worse#pet cuddles arent working#baking isnt working i just feel numb after#i need more ambien lol#cause i cant get past that aversion and even if i could#i don't know. theres too many barriers#there have been times#like as a kid crying.. but my mum always ignored me or told me to stop playing dumb#tried once as a teen and she just rolled her eyes and said shes sick of teenage girls#when i tried with my dad he left suddenly while i was talking#HE ASKED ME TO TALK TO HIM ABOHT IT#he left bc i was talking too much and not letting Him talk#a few times cried in school but i just sat there crying and nobody noticed#then i stopped being able to cry#idk man#i just need a hug and for someone to make me tea and be close to me#but at the same time id rather die
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