#and okay that unreachable love interest is shared BUT???? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

writers-hes · 1 year ago

Text

Sydney Saw it First (c. berzatto x reader)

You’re Carmy’s friend from Noma and he asks tou to mentor Marcus before he heads to Copenhagen to stage. Sydney thinks you’re both fools in love and she’s determined to fix it. (fluff, sydney being the best wingman, inspired by the scene in new girl when nick points his shoes to jess, two fools in love)

navigation | main master lists

It was hard for anyone to read if the Carmen Berzatto cared.

Some days, he was loving but most days he was tenacious. It’s not like he meant it. It was just how he was wired; how he reacts to things. The crew learned that the hard way, when he exploded on Marcus, when he screamed at Sydney…when the stress gets to him, it really gets to him.

He’s imposed penance on himself for his actions, secluding himself from the world…being unreachable. If there was one thing in the world that he craved and that he was afraid of, it was love. So he secludes himself until he feels alone. Relationships were unnatural to him.

But it came naturally with you.

You were training to become a pastry chef at Noma when Carmy was there. You met each other at the halls, shared friends that it was inevitable for you two to become friends. He was your first taste tester when you first made croissants. He helped you make your own sourdough starter for the sourdough cookies that you were experimenting on. You were the first person whom he cooked his mom’s picatta. You were his sous chef, helping him prep the vegetables on important dates. When news arrived detailing Mikey’s death, you were the first person he called.

You two were great. You were great.

If anyone deserved praise, Carmy thought that it was you.

He didn’t know why but when he saw that Marcus was really interested in pastry, he called you; asked you to come and teach a really, really eager student that was going to stage in Copenhagen soon. Sydney also suggested that sweets are needed in a restaurant. You didn’t hesitate to board the plane upon his request. If anything, you were glad that he was finally asking you for a favor. It only meant that he was still—if not more—comfortable with you.

You arrived in Chicago all smiles, and greetings. It was Richie and Carmy who picked you up from the airport and Richi was floored. How did his cousin even manage to tolerate you? He didn’t hate you immediately, of course. In any case, Carmy told you about his little girl; you decided to bring her a little gift.

“I didn’t know what to get you but Carmy said that you have a daughter so I got this instead,” you said, extending a toy. “My niece has the same one…so, I figured…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Richie nodded. He muttered a small ‘thanks’ before helping you with you luggage.

The night before, Carmy instructed everyone during family to behave.

“Look, there will be no funny business, alright? My friend is flying in tomorrow to oversee Marcus and act as his mentor while we fix the Bear. No taking her knife away, no screaming, no fighting, no fucking anything, alright, chefs?” he asked. When he was met with silence, “Alright, Chefs?”

A couple of ‘heards’ were thrown.

“Who is this friend, anyway, Jeff?” Tina asked. “You didn’t tell us to behave when Sydney over here first came,”

“Someone from Copenhagen. She, uh—“

“She?” Sweeps asked, his eyebrows raised in anticipation. “You got a girl, chef?”

“No,” he replied. “She studied in Copenhagen as a pastry chef, okay? No big deal—“ he proceeds to mention your name and how you’re just really super cool. “No big deal—“

“Wait, Chef, that’s a big deal!” Marcus said. “Oh, you know her recipes are all over my station, right?” he asked. “Sydney—“

“I went to the place she worked at in New York after I graduated. Everything’s just so…good. Amazing,” she recalled. “So, yes, it’s a big deal,”

“Yeah, whatever. Just promise me to behave, alright?” Carmy asked. “She’ll have to make do with what we currently have but I’ll try to stock up and set up the station before she arrives tomorrow.”

You arrived at the Beef—er, the Bear a day after your arrival in Chicago. You were able to find a place that was near the city center for a good deal. You were here indefinitely, still trying to figure out if you wanted to run your own bakery or just work with others for the rest of your life. Seeing Carmy take the leap was insipiring.

“Hello, chefs, I’m Y/N,” you said, a friendly smile gracing your features. Carmy was right beside you, watching everyone. “I’m a pastry chef and I graduated with Carmy in Copenhagen. I’m here to mentor Marcus but of course, if you have any questions regarding anything, you can ask me. I know how to cook too…and uh, I’ll be taking care of family tonight,”

Carmy jerks from his relaxed position.

“You sure?” he asks softly. “I can take care of family, if you’re too tired.”

“Yeah. It’s like initiation,” you nod, looking at him and then looking back at the new faces in front of you again. “Do you have any questions…”

Sydney raises her hand.

“Um, I’m sorry if this comes across rude but why are you here?” she asked.

“Oh, well, I’m not really tied down to anything right now. When Carmy called me, asking if I could come here, I decided to go. I’m here in Chicago indefinitely and I’ve been receiving invitations to cook, teach a class, whatever. I might accept some of those,” you said. Sydned nodded. Damn, Noma’s chefs were being chased from left and right. She was in the presence of two.

“Do you have a little notebook?” Tina asked, making Sydney scofd. “With recipes?”

“Um, no,” you shook your head. “I keep all my notes in my head and then write it afterwards,” Tina liked you already.

“What do you think about Carmen Berzatto—“

“Anyway, that’s all, Chefs! Marcus, come to the office with me, chef,” Carmy said, breaking up the huddle, and making you laugh. He discreetly pulls down your shirt, a sign that you should follow him too to the office. When you were both out of earshot, Sydney asked no one in particular.

“That girl and Chef? There’s something,”

That afternoon, during family, Sydney watched the two of you like a hawk. Confirming her suspicions when Carmy stayed for family and sat beside you.

Sydney notices it for the second time. You were going over the Noma “picture book” with Marcus, telling him how some of the desserts came about.

“What’s this?” Marcus asked, pointing at a photo of the dessert that put you on the map.

“That’s a dish of candied hallabong peel, with a prosecco peach sorbet, on a bed of meringue, topped with candied cherries. I got it because some of my friends went to Jeju sometime and brought back this orange hybrid. I think….I think we can recreate it but it wouldn’t be the same without the orange.”

“What about the flesh and the juice?”

“I turned it into like an orange-chocolate cake with chocolate mousse,”

Carmy was just passing by but he decided to watch you interact with his employees instead.

“Anyways, where’s your chocolate cake? Let’s taste it and compare it from the last one. Also, I can send you my recipe for sourdough doughnuts. Just give me your email,” you said, looking up briefly to find Carmy already looking at you. It made him feel good to see you incorporate yourself so well in the kitchen. Well, it’s not like the Bear is open but his staff went to you for some tips and advice. They were all undergoing some sort of training to make everything more elevated. “Hey, Carm. Do you need anything?”

“Hey-hey,” he coughed, ashamed for being caught. “Nothing. Uh—“

“Chef, did you ever try Y/N’s stuff?” Marcus asked. He’d really, really, really want to taste something that you made someday. They were all delicate and so detailed. It’s probably why you got multiple awards at such a young age.

“I did. She used to bring big Tupperware containers of things they made in the kitchen,”

“He finished them all,” you told Marcus. “Wouldn’t spare me a bite,”

“I don’t know, bug,” he teased. “I vividly remember you begging me to do it because you were so sick of fucking croissants.”

“You’re so annoying,” you huffed, a playful smile on your face. “Go on now. Marcus and I have stuff to do and you’re distracting us.”

“In my own restaurant,” Carmy mutters, shaking his head. Sydney’s eyes immediately directed to Tina. Did you see? Did you hear the word ‘Bug’?. Tina only shrugged.

Sugar dropped in to check on the improvements being done at the Bear when she saw you and Carmen at the back, talking. She had to double take what she saw because it was quite…odd to see him talk to you with the same twinkle he used to have. She has never seen him like this. He was genuinely laughing at some of the things that you were saying, a shared plate of leftover chocolate cake between the two of you.

“Who’s the girl outside?” Sugar asked, looking at Richie and Sydney for answers.

“Some fancy pastry chef Carmy met in Copenhagen,” Richie replied. “It’s a whole bet now, you know? They’re always out in their own world ever since she got here,”

“Everyone puts in 10 to predict what’s going to happen,” Tina said. “You’re betting?”

“Yeah, sure,” Sugar says, giving a bill to Tina. “I bet…I bet they’ll fall in love right before she leaves Chicago. Like, on the way to the airport. Carmy’s going to tell her that he loves her and she stays,”

Laughter echoes in the room.

“This is not some fucking movie, cousin,” Richie said. “Obviously, Carmy’s not gonna do shit about it.”

“I think…she’ll call him over and they’ll share a moment,” Marcus said. “He’s always at her place, did you know that?”

Meanwhile, unaware of the ongoing bet, Carmy looks at you.

“What do you think about Chicago?” he asked, a cigarette hanging idly on his fingers.

“It’s nice…chilly,” you said. “But it’s nice. I’ve been offered jobs here, you know?”

“Hm?” he asked. “Are you planning to take them?”

“I’m…thinking about them. They’re all the same but like, I want my own bakery, you know? My own place.” you said. “It’s going to be a lot of work if I do that and I don’t necessarily have the staff to do all that.” you said.

“If you want…you can come stay with us if you’re not sure,” he offers. “Like a pastry chef. Actually, I’ll have to ask Sugar and Sydney if it’s alright with them but you can stay here,”

“Bear, I don’t want to impose—“

Sydney was walking outside to throw the trash but she stopped her trackes when she heard you talk.

“I want you here,” Carmy said with conviction. “But if you don’t-don’t like it here in Chicago, I wouldn’t mind either, you know? It’s just that…I want you here and-and fuck, I don’t know. I guess working with you made it so much more fun again, you know? Like us in Copenhagen. I mean, we’re always a team and-and it’s nice to have you here with me. Sugar and spice? Sweet and spicy or whatever the fuck they called us back then,” he chuckled, inhaling his cigarette to calm himself down. “We can make it work,”

“Yeah, yeah. You go talk about it to Nat and Syd,” you said, taking a swig of your water. “And then we’ll talk. Cool?”

“Cool,” he shrugged. Sydney leaves and goes back to where the commotion was.

“I change my scenario,” she said.

“You can’t do that, Sydney,” Richie said. “It’s a bet! You have to pay again,”

Sydney breathed, what was ten more, right? Fuck.

“Fuck, sure, okay. Whatever,” she said, giving Richie the bill. “She’ll stay here. She’ll realize the there’s nothing waiting for her back home and she’ll stay here,”

“Where did you get this?” Fak asked. “Quite—oh my God. Sydney, did you fucking cheat?”

“No, I didn’t fucking cheat!” she defended, it was a lie. “Can’t you see the two of them? Always in their own world? How would Carmy let her go?”

“Jeffrey has a point,” Tina shrugged. “But if she loses, just know that you lost twice, Jeff,”

“I know,”

You, Sydney, and Carm all went to his apartment. It was where the two of them made a menu while you acted as a consultant and a taste tester. Their palates were fucked and they didn’t know what to do or what to cook anymore. So they asked you. But you weren’t there today. You and Marcus were in your apartment, making up stuff for dessert. The Beef has officially closed down and is a rubbled mess. There was no space and Carmy just wanted to be there with you.

“Can I ask you something and you can tell me to fuck off?” Sydney asked while she watched Carmy plate the hamachi crudo.

“Hm?”

“Do you…have feelings for Y/N?” she asked, looking at Carmy. He blushed, his ears turning red for being caught.

“Is it obvious?”

“To everyone but her,” she shrugged.

“Fuck, really? I thought I was being discreet,”

“Oh, you can stay here! You’re so good and so smart and so pretty,” Sydney gushed, mocking Carmen.

“Fuck off,” he laughs. “I…I do,”

“Yeah?”

“I just…just…she’s uh, so amazing, and like, I’ve been feeling these feelings since…since Copenhagen,” he mumbles, finishing the garnish with an oil.

“Damn. You never made a move?” she asked, getting forks. She gives one to Carmen and they both taste the crudo. It was amazing. “That’s good,”

“It is. Good job, Syd,” Carmy replied.

“It was her who told me to try adding jalapeno slices,” Syd said.

“You can’t do that,” Carmy warned her. Why did she want to get you two together so bad? “But I haven’t done anything. I mean, like, she was dating these guys and they’re so cool that-that it was never really my turn,” he remembered.

“But you’re the best chef in the world! That trumps that,” she encouraged. “None of them worked out?”

“No,” Carmy shook his head. “She’d always end things and I don’t want that for myself. She told me none of them worked out…wasn’t what she was, uh, looking for?”

“Oh,” Sydney nodded. “Well, if you’re feeling brave enough…”

“I haven’t been having…fun,” Carmy acknowledges. “With the Beef and the Bear until she got here, you know? Made me feel like I was young in Copenhagen again,”

“Another question. You can say fuck off if you want,” Sydney says and watches as Carmy bites a smile. “The last one. Is that why you asked her to stay? It’s just that I heard you the other day and…”

“Fuck off,” he laughs but Sydney noticed how everything about him conveyed everything that she needed to know.

“This is a quenelle,” you told Marcus. You, Marcus, Carm, and Sydney were at your apartment. It was bigger than Carmy’s and your oven didn’t have jeans in them. “This took me at least a hundred tries,” you chuckled. “You just…away, back, and then hands…” You demonstrated, making a quenelle of a yuzu mousse.

“Damn, Chef. How’d you do that?” Marcus asked, trying it for himself. He failed, his quenelle being a little bit smaller than yours.

“I had a friend named Luca. He didn’t let me out of the kitchen until I made a perfect one,” you recalled. “Carmy was there and he was laughing at me. He could do it in like three tries and I remember hating him,”

“You hate me?” he asked, leaning on the countertop. He didn’t like to hear about Luca. He only wanted you to talk about the two of you.

“Hey, Bear. Try this?” you asked, spooning him the raspberry curd. Carmy opens his mouth and you walk over, feeding him the pinkish liquid and then watching his face. “It goes with a black sesame shell. Do you like it?”

He notices your close proximity and flushes.

“Y-yeah,” he coughed, looking away. “Really good. Uh, very good,”

“No notes?” you asked and he swore he could kiss you right there because you were so beautiful.

“No notes,”

“Thanks, Chef,” you said. Sydney whistles as you help Marcus master his quenelle. Carmy looks at her and she teases him with a mockery of what he just said.

Carmy and Marcus left after cleaning up. You and Sydney decided to have a girl’s night. You were both sitting on the couch, mud masks on your faces when she turned to you fully.

“You know, he likes you right?”

“Who?” you asked, trying to fit a handful of chips.

“Carmy,” you heard and you choked on the bits of chips in your mouth.

“Fuck!” you choked. “Sydney!” You were coughing while Sydney handed you a glass of vodka cranberry. You gulp it down. “You—can’t say shit like that!”

“What?” she laughed. “Look, I’m not kidding! Whenever he talks to you, his feet are pointed at you. I’ve read enough fucking books and body language shit to know that he’s interested,”

“I don’t think so,” you said. “That’s bullshit,”

“It’s not though,” she shrugged. “He asked you to stay for a reason,”

“He needs a pastry chef,” you shrugged. “Besides, he and I are friends, Sydney. I’ve been trying to get him jealous all my time in Copenhagen but he never…he never got the signal,”

“Oh,” Sydney nods. Two idiots in love. “Have you ever tried telling him?”

“Of course not! He’s always on about how he doesn’t have the energy to love or date. I tried the jealousy thing before but it never worked. Trust me, there’s nothing.”

Carmy arrives at your doorstep the next morning, bright and early. Sydney had already left, telling you something about stopping by at her dad’s apartment to get stuff. You were going to the Bear with him to help Sydney choose plates for the restaurant.

“Good morning,” he greets. Two cups of take-out coffee in his hands. “I got us some coffee while we walk on the way,”

“Thank you,” You took the cup from his hands and clutched your jacket tighter. It was so, so, so cold. “Didn’t know it was going to be this chilly today,”

“You wanna wear my jacket?”

“You’ll be cold,”

“It doesn’t bother me,” he said, already taking off the jacket to the best of his one-handed ability. He was only wearing a gray sweater underneath. “I have something. See?” He doesn’t take no for an answer, taking your coffee and your bag from you so you could wear the colorful jacket.

“Thanks, Bear,” you said, smiling at him. The sight of you in his clothes does something to him and he couldn’t help except give you a slight nod before forging on in the chilly Chicago weather.

You both entered the Beef giggling amongst yourselves when the usual buzzing stopped.

“Remember when Luca—“

You halted, finding the silence odd. You looked around to see everyone looking at you.

“What’s wrong? Is something wrong?” Carmy asked, removing his hand from the small of your back. “Syd—“

“Love the sweater,” Richie teases. You look down and feel the warmth on your cheeks.

“It was cold and he asked me to wear it,” you shrugged, leaving Carmen to deal with the staff out front. You were signalling Sydney for help but she only looked away. Traitor. “Um—“

“Y/N, if you could please help me out here,” Carmy called you.

“Your boyfriend’s calling,”

“He’s not!” you huffed before walking over. “What is it?”

“I need you to time me, is that okay?” he asked. He nodded towards the stopwatch and you complied. “Thank you. I just need to check or like, map out the kitchen you know?”

“Of course,” you replied.

“Do you need help getting on—“

“It’s okay it’s just an old thing,” you replied.

“Yo, cousin! If you’re done eye fucking, Sugar needs you.” Richie calls.

“We’re not eye-eye fucking!” you complained. “What the fuck?” You stood up from your corner before you could even work and accidentally looked down. If a man is interested his feet will—

You move to the side and Carmy follows. And then to the side again.

“Y/N–“

“Stay there,” you asked, walking around him and him turning around. “Carm!”

“What?” he asked, grasping your shoulders. He looks down to his shoes. “Are my shoes dirty?”

“No, it’s just—“ you tried again but Carm still followed. “Sydney told me about like, how when a guy is, uh,”

“Cousin!”

“Fuck, okay. Let’s talk about it later okay? Once everyone’s out?” he asked, looking at you. “Can we do that?” His jacket felt softer on you than it ever did on him.

“Yea-yeah,” you nodded. “I’ll go help Sydney,”

The afternoon passed by and you were alone at The Bear. You waited for Carmen to finish up at the dining area like you promised. Your heart was beating so fast, maybe a thousand miles an hour. What Sydney said has been on your mind and what if it wasn’t true and you get embarrassed? Fuck, could you even handle that?

You sighed, burying your head between your hands when Carmy walks over to you.

“What’s up?” he asked. “Everything alright?”

“Y-yeah,” you nod. “Can you stay there and just, I don’t know, be Carmy?” you asked, standing up to test the theory again. He just stands there, dumbfounded. You circle around him and he follows. You were looking on the ground.

“Fuck, what the fuck?” he asked. “Is there something wrong with my shoes? I know they’re old and not—“

“Carmen, shh,”

“What?” he asked, grasping your shoulders for the second time that day to steady you. “What’s wrong?”

“Fuck, I don’t—“

“What’s wrong?”

“Sydney told me that there’s like, this body language thing and like, uh, says that when a guy is interested his shoes are always pointing at you and well, she told me to look at yours,” you rambled, looking away in embarrassment. “Look, if this will be weird between the two of us, I mean—“

“Why would it matter?” he asked, hands inching closer to your neck. He was nervous but maybe this is the opening that he’s been waiting for for years. When you didn’t reply, he asked again. “Why would it matter?”

“Because…because I’ve been trying to make you jealous for years in Copenhagen and it never worked,” you whispered. You were embarrassed. It felt like you were in high school telling your crush that you liked him. “I know you don’t see me that way,” you replied, trying to look for the right words. Carmy lets you finish. He wanted to hear you. “And it’s fine. If this is stupid, let’s forget that this ever happened. Okay? God, I’m so fucking embarrassed right now,”

“Hey, hey,” he cooes, his thumb tucked the hair back and then caressed your cheek. “Whoever said that I wasn’t jealous? I had to leave all the time because I was so fucking jealous. Those guys were cool. Don’t-don’t be embarrassed, okay? I like hearing that-you, uh, like me,”

“Carmy…don’t lie to me, okay? You don’t have to pretend—hm,”

Carmy had just kissed you. Carmen Berzatto just kissed you. You were clutching on his shirt so tightly, afraid that if he lets go, he’ll be gone. But he doesn’t. He just trails his hands down to your back, touching skin to skin until you’re one.

“I’ve been waiting years to do that,” Carmy rasps, breathing heavily.

“Yeah? Then, do it again,” you whispered, smirking slightly at how he seemed to blush hard. Before you could tease him though, he tucks your hair back again, bringing your lips closer to his.

He did.

A/N: Thank you for giving my recent fics so much love and for being so motivating. Your kind words really make my day and I hope that you love this too. Don’t forget to reblog and comment! Thanks again!

TAGLIST: @kpopgirlbtssvt

#carmen berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto x reader #carmen berzatto fanfiction #carmen berzatto #fanfiction #fluff #the bear #carmy berzatto #carmen berzatto x you #the bear fic #carmen berzatto fluff #the bear fx

2K notes · View notes

balkanradfem · 1 month ago

Text

So, in the light of sharing lesbian experiences, I thought I'd try sharing a story that makes me wary of dating; it ends in hubris, so be warned. It might make it more clear why I'm not trying to date the hot woman in my building! Click read more for a long sad lesbian story.

Years ago, I had a crush on a woman I met on tumblr. I started talking to her, and I told her honestly that I like her, and asked her if she was into women. She said yes! We started chatting and communicating daily, and after a bit we switched over to sending emails, so we could write long stories to each other. She was incredibly smart, talented, creative, she was a good storyteller, she knew so much about plants and animals, she had a garden, a dog, she lived in a country close to mine, so I could logically, at one point, sit on a train and meet her.

After we talked excitedly for a while, she told me she has a crush on me too. I was so happy. The unreachable scenario, your crush likes you back. I was living it, I was beside myself. I was dreaming of being in a relationship with her and how that would look like, and she was sending me flirty little messages in the emails. We kept talking, and slightly flirting with each other in our emails, and this went on for months. She would tell me about her life, experiences, past relationships, her art and books she wrote. I was into it all, I read anything she wrote or drew, I offered support whenever she was having a rough time or was bothered by something. I noticed at this point that if I send her my stuff, she doesn't really comment on it, but I felt okay about it, since I already had enough confidence, and wasn't looking to get praise.

During this time, I grew attached to her, I started to really love her. She was sweet and warm and so interesting to me. She knew a lot about stuff I didn't! Her stories and art were admirable and I remember fondly going trough it over and over. I felt a little bit like a child next to her, since she was 10 years older, and smarter, and I kept trying to prove that I too, am an adult, who knows stuff, and is smart. At one point we decided to have a video call, and I was so nervous, I had to go be outside to connect to a wifi, and I kept thinking what if it's awkward, what if we don't know what to say? I decided to tackle that issue by going trough a comic she drew and then using the call to give her tons of feedback, praise and opinions on it, it was a long comic so I was able to talk about it for an hour! She was happy to discuss it and our conversation went lightly and we had fun. I asked her at the end if she had a good time, and she said – yes, we talked about me the entire time! And I hadn't even realized that, until she said it. I think I felt a bit weird about it afterwards, because I do tend to fixate on people I like a lot, but ultimately, you know, we could talk about other things next time.

This is where things started feeling weird. We were talking for about 6 months then, and she was starting to disappear without notice. I wouldn't get my emails answered in a while, and every time I grew anxious and upset, wondering if I did something wrong, or she just got busy. At first I just blamed myself for, you know, being mentally ill, having abandonment issues, worrying too much. But I felt more anxious every time she'd disappear. I would sometimes have to go away too, for a few days, but I would always warn her, and let her know when I'd be away, and when I'd come back. She'd never say anything. So next time she disappeared on me, I asked her to please just let me know when she's leaving, because I easily get worried and miss her, and I do have some issues that make me feel abandoned. She said it was difficult for her to read this, because it makes her look inconsiderate in comparison to me, but she'll of course, say something next time.

She didn't. She kept both disappearing, and being too busy to respond to me. And even though we started talking with the idea of being in a relationship, it was never later discussed or prompted again, she only would add one flirty sentence to each email, so I'd know she's still interested. But now she was disappearing, or ignoring me, or - just lost interest. I had to slowly realize that we were not, in fact, going to date. Because if she wanted to be in a relationship, surely by now it would be at least discussed or mentioned, and we would want to spend more time together, find out more about each other. And instead she was responding to me less, growing away from me, but still wrote in flirty lines. I was heartbroken, but also found it too difficult to keep pretending that it's going to happen, when it clearly was not, the contrast of what she was saying, and what was happening, was too much for me.

It took me a hot minute to gather my courage, and then I wrote to her that her disappearances are heavy on my mental health, and in order for me to feel normal about it, it's best if we continue as just good friends, and then I won't have to be stressed about why she's not responding to me. And she responded to that one instantly, saying no, we're going to date, in fact we can be dating now, she wants to. But this was instead, even more confusing to me, because why now? We didn't mention it for months, there was no progression towards it, she's organically responding to me less and less, obviously losing interest in talking regularly, she didn't care to warn me of her disappearances to ease my worry and anxiety over losing her, so how could she actually want to date? I sent her an email apologizing, calling myself an idiot, offering to talk her trough my mental process of making this decision, blamed it all on myself and my mental illness, but I couldn't bring myself back in the mindset of just, waiting for her messages, worrying if she was losing interest in me, worrying if I did something wrong and she didn't want to be with me anymore. It was mortifying to me.

I sent her further two emails apologizing and asking if she was okay, now worried if I hurt her with my giving up on romance, if she's maybe upset with me. I said sorry so many times and asked her to please share with me how this has affected her.

She never replied to any. She never talked to me again.

And I didn't understand, for a long time, what had happened there. Nothing made sense to me, in one second she was asking for a relationship, and then in the next moment she was done with me forever. I waited for a reply for such a long time, before I finally accepted that it's not coming, she wasn't... she wasn't interested in even being friends with me.

This was baffling, because I believed we had, in fact, created a good friendship over those 6 months! We learned about each other's lives, interests, pasts, we discussed ideas and art and feminism and capitalism, we told each other stories, we shared our struggles and days, we had our jokes and references, I had an entire library of her works and art in my head at this point and cared for her deeply. I thought we had a bond, and regardless of it being a friendship or a romance, we cared for each other. And I could see we weren't going to progress to a relationship, because she lost interest, or at least the desire to talk to me regularly, and I accepted it, so what was wrong?

Well, it would take me months more of thinking it trough and catching little hints and signs of things that were wrong. During our conversation, since I hoped that we would date, I would regularly try to prop her up and make her feel good about herself; I always wanted her to feel special and amazing, and would often shower her in praise and admiration. I wanted her to know that being with me would mean constant support and appreciation of everything good about her, and she'd get endless warmth and adoration, because this is what I thought relationships should be like, right, and I wanted her to know that's what I wanted for us. This sentiment was not returned to me in kind, but I didn't mind since I could already feel good about myself. She also didn't react if I sent her some of my work, but I would react to her stuff for ages, because I knew how good it is to get feedback on your own creation, anyone would enjoy that. I realized belatedly, that when she'd ask for support, I'd drop everything to reassure her and comfort her, and be mad at her behalf, while when I asked for support, she'd kinda side with me but still talk about herself. But all of these things were so subtle and tiny to me, I couldn't even see them over the excitement of 'my crush likes me back'.

I wondered, if she wasn't into me at all, then why didn't she just turn me down at the start, or somewhere down the line, she could tell me if she wasn't actually interested in dating me. Because if she seriously did want to date me, then she could have tried being friends with me, speak with me more consistently, show me that she was serious and that she does want to talk to me, and then try for a relationship later; it was unlikely that I would say no, I was filled with adoration for her. So she didn't want a relationship, and she didn't want a friendship, so why didn't she just say no to me?

Because she wanted the attention. She liked being adored and having someone pursue her so passionately. And the rest... didn't really matter to her. She would have only talked to me, and flirted with me, to have me believe we were going to date, and the second I didn't believe it, and I wouldn't pursue her in that way.. I was as good as dead to her. I was just a resource in there. She didn't care when I was starting to get hurt by being ignored by her, and she didn't care when I specifically said to her that I was struggling with mental health because she was trying to have me believe in something I saw wasn't true. She still tried to push me back into pursuing her after I gave up because of pain. She wanted the attention even when it was hurting me to give it.

I also tried to put myself in her shoes, and see how I would react in her place. I imagined if I had flirted with someone, and then ignored them for a while, and they then asked to be just friends. I don't think I would have even attempted to persuade them to go back to how they were before, because I would be horrified that I set this person up with false expectations, and then caused them pain by failing them. I would be relieved that they weren't mad at me for leading them on, and would feel awful for leading them on at all. But I also wouldn't even bring myself into this situation; if I had feelings for someone, and then realized they're fading away, but this person was still hopeful, or anxious, I'd have to set them straight and tell them what's up, so they could get a chance to move on. Saying 'no I actually want to date, lets go back to that' when I'm ready to drop them in an instant would be unthinkable to me.

What happened was so much worse than being rejected, or turned down. I was at this point wishing so badly that I had just been rejected. I would have moved on from that in a day or two. I had created a whole bond with a person who could not have cared less, and who dropped me the second I did something they didn't like. If I had known that's the reality of it, I would have never wanted to be friends, or anything else. And I also had no way of knowing, it was a shock when things turned out this badly.

I left that experience with some new conclusions. One was that I'll never try to date someone who makes me feel like a child. When I would feel dumb or childish next to her, she would poke fun at it and tease me about it, when I would genuinely feel not taken seriously, and I hated every minute of it, I hated having to prove that I'm an equal to someone. I also would no longer try to pursue anyone with so much love and attention. I might have been wrong to be so honest and direct with my intentions and my feelings. I set myself up for exploitation. It wasn't the first time I was exploited in that way either, this was just one of the worst ones.

After this experience, for a while I stopped liking people in general. Considering even being friends with someone, filled me with anxiety and exhaustion. I fell depressed and had thoughts about never talking to anyone again. I just didn't want to be put trough this again, and it took time for me to believe that a person can be that selfish and cruel, and hide it for so long, I didn't believe this could happen. I guess it hit me worse than it would have because I have abandonment issues, and this falls heavy on a heart of a person who's been abandoned before.

But anyway, I am feeling better now, and I'm very careful about having any kind of ideas about dating! I'm not interested in anyone who gives even the tiniest hint of mixed signals, or wanting to play with my heart, or promise anything unlikely or far down the line. If someone says they like me I won't even believe them! But, I'm keeping my honesty, and I won't set anyone up for this kind of pain. If I don't intend to be with someone, they'll know right away :).

#sad lesbian experience #failed attempt at relationships #i still got so upset writing this!!!!#like i forgot about it mostly but when i remembered i felt the yikes and the pain #and the thing is i even considered if i was too harsh figuring out her motives #but she left #she left me to come to my own conclusions #and this is the only one that made complete sense #nothing alternative checked out

60 notes · View notes

madstronaut · 28 days ago

Text

truth can be stranger than fiction, but sometimes they also hold hands and kiss

I was gunning to post this in September but A Lot of Life™️ happened (and is still happening tbh) so despite me pouting at myself about skipping a month, without further ado - my 24th faficowrimo ramble~

every now and then, the fiction I read and my lived experiences tangle together in my head and coagulate into some interesting dreams...some of my favorites ofc are the smutty ones, what can I say I've always had an active imagination

Some of my beloved fics I note as comfort reads or cathartic reads, depending on how I'm feeling and the nature of the story...this falls squarely under cathartic for me

I will temporarily sidestep the mountain pile of naughty dreams to share of a recurring one that's always left me quite speechless that I have had the gift of dreaming about again brought on, in part, by the latest read of Service Dog Johnny by @void-my-warranty in a way that really just leaves me at a loss for words... if you'd like to get emotionally baja blasted (and also tbh once again hear me rant about my love for fanfic) with me, read on, my fellow taco bell enthusiast & traveler ✨🌮

also I am including this gif because I searched 'taco bell' as a joke and for some unexplainably fucked up reason this was one of the top gifs to show up in the list but also what a double-duty it serves as I talk about SERVICE DOG JOHNNY EH? reality sometimes really *is* stranger than fiction but also seriously wtf is going on here in this gif if you know pls DM me im afraid to google it

I started therapy a few years ago thanks to finally finding someone I trusted/specializing in my trauma cocktail *and* covered by my insurance (to my fellow americans: SHOCKER, I know, anyway fuck US healthcare and this economy but moving on) and I recall describing the early sessions to IRL beloveds/moots with some choice phrases, like:

having a sword tip poking my chest and being asked to walk further into the blade

having swallowed a large sack full of glass shards and instead of trying to remove them, realizing i have adjusted to have the bits piercing out of my body be less noticeable - not very sustainable personally speaking, let's be real

after some hard fucking work, sweat, tears put in I started dreaming about seeing that sword as a surgical scalpel instead, healing instead of harming, and that sack of glass filled with water and oil instead (really wanted to put a squirting/watersports joke here at voidy's expense but this is such a sacred thing to me but wait it's MY sacred thing and I can desecrate it for jokes IF I WANT TO OKAY) making me feel light and buoyant and seeing all my former open wounds now freshly scarred up. I'm honestly tearing up writing this out because I am very fucking proud of how far I have come... all this to say, brutal but rewarding. if you have the opp... 'walk towards the sword' my moots & beloveds 💝🫂

I have since ended regular therapy sessions and only go on the one-off times I really need the extra support, but a question I grappled with for a long time (and sometimes still do!) was "how do I know I'm healed?"

I used to think of healing as this near-mythical - and frankly, unreachable - final destination for me. but I'm learning it's more about the journey and companions along the way and the many signposts on the path marking how far I have come (and that I still have a ways to go). anyway I blabbered on here too long but my point is healing is hopefully a familiar (and necessary) journey for us all in so many ways, and I for one welcome the unexpected companions that help us take another step forward (and catch you when you falter back) *looking at you, fanfic my beloved* and SDJ was such a vivid reminder of all of this for me

I could fuck with concepts like protagonist/deuteragonist/tritagonist (had to look that third one up to see if a term even existed tbh) but the truth is for me, each of voidy's trio are written like living breathing dimensional beloveds to me in how broken and tender and loving and human and flawed and mysterious they are and each of them in their own way are so beloved to me.

I have been reading bell hook's we real cool: black men & masculinity lately (deeply enjoyed her books all about love and feminism is for everybody - i understand she is not free from controversy after having devoured a bunch of her writing but i deeply fuck with her main theories that being rooted and motivated to love and be loved at the core of our humanity needs to involve having our eyes, hearts, minds, ears, and hands open to the experiences of fellow humans, particularly marginalized + POC voices) and one of the passages discussing healing from abuse was very SDJ/simon-coded to me...

"Many males have experienced traumatic sexual abuse in childhood. It scars them for life. And when they receive the message from the culture that real men should be able to endure abuse as a rite of passage and emerge with their sexual agency intact, there is no cultural space for them to articulate that they were sexually abused, that they are damaged and in need of sexual healing."

I will say for myself, the culmination of the trio's journey so far in SDJ, simon in particular - with whom I unfortunately share some of his canon trauma and SDJ-flavored hangups and anxieties - has made me feel so loved and seen, like meeting a good samaritan (or perhaps a service dog johnny) on the road to hold my hand wordlessly saying "you too? me too." and walk part of the journey with me, even for a brief stretch.. a happy accident or eucatastrophe of meeting someone at the right place at the right time like reader and johnny have been for simon in SDJ ❤️‍🩹🫶🌿

I've heard an oft-cited statistic that in a random crowd at least a quarter if not more of the people around you, regardless of gender, have most likely experienced abuse and assault than not. Finding a space to be seen and heard re: sharing about abuse and trauma - and god forbid perhaps even healed? in the year of our lorde 2024? - has in many ways been delegated to avenues that aren't readily available to most, financially and socially and relationally speaking - even nowadays. I'm in my mid-30s and I was only able to afford therapy several years ago, despite finally mustering the courage to start looking after years of patient coaxing and support from IRL beloveds, because my workplace decided to expand our mental health benefits + insurance during covid.

beyond my IRL beloveds who have been absolutely incredible sources of support, I am not even fucking joking when I say fan-motherfuckin-fiction kept me afloat mentally spiritually socially since my madstroteens to help me feel seen, heard, loved, and healed - basically free therapy until I could afford the real thing...but even as I say "the real thing" there has been nothing fucking realer to me than the growth and beauty and joy and catharsis in reading life in its heights and valleys and finding a bit of myself in fanfic...

I've heard it said that the profound is lurking behind the absurd and I am 1000% serious when I say the very cathartic and moving tales and tragedies and romances and adventures and lessons and wisdom in FANFICTION (for CALL OF DUTY!!!!!!!!!!!! no less) is absolutely fucking priceless to me - the world didn't give it and the world can't take it away, as it says somewhere in some good books

these made up stories and characters and scenarios in our heads have held my hand, my head, my heart when I have needed it most - and helped me do so for others - and created the most expansive safe space to explore in a free and nonjudgmental way that I can't really think of a real-world equivalent other than actual therapy or times when I've felt a deeper peace and affection touch me in sacred settings or in nature or maybe playing D&D with my IRLs lol

so yes, I wholeheartedly agree that while some of the loveliest writings are drawn from lived experiences, exploring something new in fiction, like readers exploring sexuality through throuplegate tags ghoap fics or asks about aromanticism... or cathartic healing words and gestures they may have yet to hear or receive in reader's and johnny's stalwart and carefully mapped, but also spontaneous and artesian support and tender care for simon... can have just as real and powerful of an impact on reader & writer as well!

and it can be so clearly seen in the absolutely incredible reblogs, asks, comments, and headcanons and side drabbles shared if you go through voidy's SDJ tags which I also so enjoyed reading alongside the story; it reminds me of ye olden days when I was a rabid LOTR fan and I re-watched the extended versions of the trilogies in multiple iterations via the cast, director, and producer commentaries

ok before I lose my train of thought entirely here because I was supposed to rant about what I loved about SDJ and I've just been adding to this monster of a draft for weeks on end rambleranting on and on about fanfic-

the reader!!!! the reader. I have been brought to tears multiple times by her selfsacrificing affection and deep love for simon, as well as how well she is able to disarm him in the moment with her humor

the humor!!! the fucking weaponized use of humor as character tell and development in this fic... i feel (and personally use) humor as a way of visibly lowering and bypassing the armor and walls we put up around others as if to say 'see? it's safe! I feel safe around you enough to joke around and I want you to know that. i invite you into this safe space in me, with me.' and the way time and again reader, simon, and johnny uses it like a sniper shot is fucking brilliant

a random selection of some of (I write 'some' fully knowing I'm gonna just copypaste the entire fucking story) my favorite lines below:

He’s always been up front with you about his trauma, how he can’t stomach touch unless it’s non-sexual. You’ve always known it would just be only you taking care of your own needs, and it’s something you’re more than happy to accept, because you love him. But how could you even conceptualize doing something like that? Letting someone else touch you when you’re in love with Simon.

Lines like these above is what makes reader so human and real to me. 💋👌mwahmwah exponential chef kisses for your literary cookin voidy💋👌

God, why is he still talking to you like that? It’s really, really hot, but are you allowed to enjoy it? Surely you are.

right there with you dear reader, been there before 😵‍💫

His eyes are practically burning into you with some type of excitement, though he doesn't let the rest of his face betray it. It's only because you know him so well that you see the unusual gleam there, and suspect that if you put your hand on his chest right now, his heart would be hitting your palm in a gallop ... He's interacting with your sexual desire for the first time, running his thumb over the crown of your head and watching you so intently that the orgasm warming your legs is starting to feel unavoidable.

Simon's journey to re-experience sexual desire as safe and healthy and normal again...I do not have enough words 😭😭 anyway brb crying my heart goes out to SDJ simon so much i want to hold his face and dick(WHO SAID THAT) in my hands and cradle him gently and tenderly

“It won’t, love." He waits for your your fingers to find your clit again, and for your eyes to slide shut, and he whispers, "Someday very soon, you’re going to get to cum while you’re bent over the bed, and someone’s hand is keeping your head pressed nicely into the covers. You won’t have to think about anything but staying right there and getting fucked, and you’ll be able to just relax, and take it for as long as you’re meant to.”

SDJ simon, like many of us, also seems to find refuge and safe sexual expression in fantasy 👀👀

Simon just smiles at you in that warm way, the slight curve of his mouth that doesn’t have even a hint of malice or dishonesty behind it. You’ve grown to trust it implicitly.

🥹🥹🥹 this is so tender and lovely. mwah mwah mwah I would attack with so many cheek kisses for simon and voidy ✨

“Dinnae misrepresent me to your woman. I’ve had my share of romance.” “Learned that word on the way here, did you? You know you’re supposed to keep your eyes on the road.”

I fucking live for simon and johnny roasting each other 😂😂😂

The look of adoration he’s giving you sends a burst of fuzzy pink warmth through your chest.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

“Simon,” you gasp, and then frantically backtrack over your mistake. “Sorry, sorry. I didn’t mean— oh-hhh my god.”

I looooved loved loved loved loved loved this slip of the tongue. one word speaks volumes <3

It’s glaringly obvious how wet you are, the bits of your underwear that stick to your ass as he works his hand against your cunt.

ok I just want to say THIS IS SO REAL AND SO GODDAMN ANNOYING I HATE THAT FEELING LIKE THE OCEAN IS GIVING MY A WEDGIE where all my sometimes sensory issues girlies (gn) at

You figured out early on in the relationship that he loves affectionate threats of violence.

me, recalling DMs with voidy: yes, yes this is also voidy

“He was just offered a shag, of course he is.”

😂😂😂

That gentle touch happens again, this time sending a wash of awareness though you, forcing you to look away from his eyes. You’re not allowed to feel like this when he’s touching you. This is forever off limits, that interested tingle between your legs. Stop it, he’s just being sweet...“You’re turning me on,” you whisper. It’s what you’ve always done, any time he’s inadvertently touched you in a way that your body perceived as sexual. You always let him know, let him cut it out before it makes him feel a certain type of way. The last thing you want to do is find secret, perverted enjoyment in moments that would trigger him if he knew.

sometimes I call reader 'saint' in my head, because I can't think of a better word to sum up her patience, love, sense of self-sacrifice, near catholic levels of guilt for feeling anything remotely self-focused, and desire to focus wholly on others' well-being before her own...and alternately, a saint is also usually a two-dimensional flat figure, devoid of needs and wants, there to absorb all the negative emotions and give, give, give...surely not a life fit for a regular-degular human girlfriend, dear reader 👀

This has never happened before. He’s never pushed himself this far, standing between your legs like this when you’re in your underwear. Why he’s doing it now, you can’t fathom, but this is his struggle. You have to trust that he won’t hold it against you if he gets too far past his limits.

me, screaming and gesticulating wildly: you can't fathom THAT SIMON LOVES YOU AND WANTS TO PUT HIMSELF OUT THERE FOR YOU TO TRY AND MEET YOU WHERE YOU'VE RETREATED LKE YOU HAVE DONE FOR HIM????

You know that’s not true. If anything, the deflection leads you to believe that he’s protecting Simon, like he told him something personal.

something I find so interesting and perhaps a tad relatable - reader is a fucking psychic sometimes when it comes to reading others' intentions and feelings, and yet overly sus and cautious when it comes to seeing into herself (now why does that sound familar oh FUCK ITS-A ME, MARIO-)

He feels safe enough to touch himself with his friend here, but not when it’s just you? You glance back down to Johnny, heart galloping and anxiety expanding in your lungs as you make some unfortunate mental leaps. Why did Simon choose Johnny for this? How can he be so very confident that he’ll take care of you? Has he done this before? Is this a thing they do? Simon gets a new girlfriend, and Johnny gets free sex?

I've said this before somewhere but I theorize Johnny's presence for Simon make him feel safe for & from himself and sidenote: as a card-carrying woman I do not fault reader at. all. when it comes to her anxious spiral of thoughts here re: some men and their triflin ways

Maybe it’s just the post-nut clarity talking, but you realize for the first time that the reason isn’t because you want to keep him at arm’s length, it’s because you think you don’t deserve it. This whole arrangement has felt like you’re living someone else’s life, someone who’s worth being looked after like this. It’s not something you’ve ever experienced before, and it feels so unsafe to venture into something new. It feels comfortable and familiar to decide that you can’t allow yourself to fully experience Johnny, that you must ration him instead, nibbling on little bits so you don’t grow too accustomed to the taste. You’ve been subconsciously depriving yourself, as if maintaining your unmet needs is crucial to making sure you don’t grow beyond the person you’ve always been.

All of this + reader's reaction to perceiving crying as bad versus cathartic... early 20-something madstronaut, is that you

I have also wondered at the cost of arguably a huge part of herself (I believe we can and do change and accept ourselves and each other in and for love, kind of like moving but in tandem and rhythm, like a dance, but I'd argue reader in choosing simon and his particularities as her dance partner has also chosen to metaphorically tourniquet one of her limbs to do so) if maybe she is also crying out of personal grief and confusion as well. That razor-sharpness of post-nut clarity is too real... after deciding to give up her sex life as she knew it before for simon, then now suddenly exploring getting it back, and the whiplash of emotions while in an intense feedback loop of orgasms? gurrrrllll I would be bawling too, high-five

You think back over Johnny’s endless patience, how considerate and soft he’s been with you. How he went so slow the last time, giving you time to mentally prepare to be penetrated, making sure every touch was comfortable and enjoyable. And you consider for the first time that maybe Johnny isn’t just Simon-by-proxy for you. Maybe in a way, you are that, for Johnny.

mmm, ghoapcrumbs WHO SAID THAT

Also honestly I love me some unreliable narrators (reader here imho isn't unreliable in her perspective being false or wrong but rather her deep deep love and devotion for simon can be almost blinding to other important perspectives like her own to also consider at times..) sometimes I just want to take her by her shoulders and stare her down and peptalk her aggressively just saying in increasingly louder volume "YOU ARE ALSO WORTHY OF LOVE, RESPECT, CARE, AND AFFECTION - THE SAME LEVEL, NOT NECESSARILY THE SAME WAY, YOU GIVE TO SIMON - AND THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE AND VALID"

Nine minutes and change later, you make the last turn and smile to see Johnny in sweat-soaked running clothes, propped up against a lamppost like he’s trying to pretend he’s there on purpose.

😂😂😂 "pretend he's there on purpose" WHO'S THE FUCKING DOBBER NOW

Johnny makes an acknowledging grunt and limps towards your car, and you swear his face looks a little more flushed than it was a minute ago....“Nah. Thanks for the lift.” Stubborn, and definitely embarrassed.

oh look, pot, meet kettle...just two fucking dobbers (affectionate) who give like they have an infinite gaming glitch but hiss like those tiktok cats at the vet when they discover they *gasp* have their own needs

Johnny leans back on the couch to really look at you for the first time today, and it’s your turn to feel embarrassed. You feel like he’s somehow seeing more of you than is comfortable, and it makes you look away, towards the bright sky out the window. “I should be getting back,” you deflect, tugging the keys out of your pocket. “I switched phones with him, and he might not like that when he wakes up.”

I can't explain how much I fucking love this first dynamic between reader and johnny sans simon. feels like watching a knifefight where their knives are their inability to just receive disguised as their sense of generosity and they keep holding themselves hostage hoping the other gives in/runs away lmao. also i'm re-reading this in later drafts and I have no idea if this makes sense sooo I apologize in advance for my latenight ramblin

You kiss him until you’re in love with his mouth...

🥰🥰🥰

also the flashback to their meet-cute (meet-wrestle?) is once again INCREDIBLE!!! as sex/touch-averse simon is, their body language speak volumes in those split-second matching responses to each others' reactions with the pendrop and the arm-wrestle tie. those magnetic "we click right away" interactions you have with certain folks is absolutely intoxicating

Simon’s not looking in your direction, but you can feel the ghost of his attention somehow, making you feel scrutinized and out of place here. You haven’t felt in place in so long, it’s like an ache in your chest.

I shivered at how good this line is!!!!! THE GHOST OF HIS ATTENTION- mmmpfffhhh

She proudly presents you with Simon’s number, scrawled in blue pen on her palm. And there, below it: “You have lovely eyes”

my very first crush/love in high school also told me "I had lovely eyes" over AIM, made me very nostalgic 😂😂 Also can I just say laney you a real one; you went out of your way to go to bat for our girlie despite striking out yourself, a true sister indeed, pouring one out for you tonight

The sizzle of the onions begins to die as he closes the distance, and you shriek as he scoops you up into the air with a, “Where’s your fuckin knife now, you little ankle biter?”

i live for their horny-adjacent playfights

You wind back as far as you can, furiously smacking Simon’s ass with one solid hit, and you’re rewarded by his pained grunt and a satisfying sting to your palm.

fucking screeeeching

So, apparently Johnny is one of those absolute pieces of shit who can pick up any fine motor activity after the second or third try.

I hate to expose myself like this but...*high-fives johnny*

It’s subdued now, in a way that would almost make you wonder if they’d been fighting about something, except that Simon still seems awfully relaxed. As he entwines your fingers, you realize it’s Johnny who’s bothered. Johnny, who's never bothered about anything, is now staring blankly at the TV, his eyes unmoving even though the players are darting across the field.

once again fascinated by the dynamic duos of this trio!!!! I told voidy once I read SDJ sometimes as a mystery/drama because I'm constantly edged kept in suspense about our trio's next moves and motivations

His fingers skim your jaw. “I don’t think you know… sort of… seeing how brave you are with all this. How much it helps.”

my GOD. this plus my audible gasp when Simon finally touches reader sexually in ch. 10....beyond being incredibly sexy I also was very moved at the two (plus one) reaching this milestone and I have hornycried MULTIPLE times reading this fic

Everything these guys do feels sexy right now, and what’s worse is that Simon is sitting right across the table from you, and he’s thinking about you. It’s like he’s hit that sweet spot where he’s not so much in his head anymore, but he’s still a little turned on from what happened. You can feel it in his gaze, how it keeps wandering down the line of your shirt collar, keeps tracking the motion of your fingers while you hold your straw to drink.

Being aware of anothers' attention and lust has got to be one of the most intoxicating and powerful feelings in the world 🥴

“Johnny,” you whine, desperate to get him to stop hurting himself. You need to stop enjoying this, you need to focus on his pain, but he’s making you forget yourself. He’s fucking you and holding your hand to the bed, and despite your best efforts, he’s making you need to cum. He’s making you hate your own pleasure, as it brings him more and more pain.

the absolute deepdive into reader's psyche here in this little snippet is just *chef's french kiss*

When you get home that night, you take an everything shower. You paint your toenails and do your hair extra pretty, shave and lotion and basically make yourself as edible as you can be, because your baby’s coming home. Suddenly you’re on your feet, sliding a little in your socks as you rush to meet him. He’s just finished flopping his bag onto the floor when your arms wrap around the most familiar, safe body you know, and then you’re home.

I get strong cuteness aggression vibes whenever I see reader being just absolutely adorable

You barely even comprehend how big he is, with how big this event feels in your heart. So it’s bittersweet, seeing the aftermath of his success. You know it’s got to pain him, losing the control on his body and mind that he holds to such a standard in every other aspect of his life. He could have gone for years more, keeping a tight handle on things, dismissing the trauma and projecting that insecurity onto everyone else in unhealthy ways. But he didn’t. He’s here, unable to even tolerate your touch just yet, with his lungs spasming and his eyes leaking in a way his father would find unforgivable. A grown man, coming to terms with his reality and letting others see his failings, people who love him. People he can depend on, not because of blood relation, but because he’s worked tirelessly to build and earn that deep kind of trust.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 I basically cry-read this whole chappie and also stopped in my tracks and gasped out loud when simon asked to fuck reader and definitely got out of bed screeching victoriously with joy after they Finally Did The Deed

You gingerly sit up and do your best to keep the cum dripping down your thigh instead of onto the bed. God, that’s Simon’s cum. That’s the best cum in the world right there.

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

You round the corner of the hall, only to see the door still wide open, and your boyfriend with his head bent down, resting on Johnny’s shoulder. Johnny has an arm wrapped around Simon’s head and another around his shoulders, fisting his shirt and holding him tight. “That wasn’t a small thing,” Johnny’s whispering, cheek to cheek with his friend. “That wasn’t a small thing, mate.”

🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

I'll be quite honest if SDJ ended here with this incredible milestone I would've still been happy as a clam.. I believe all wins big and small are worth celebratin

It’s kind of weird that you’re here. Technically this is where you live, but all of a sudden you have this feeling of not belonging here, of being unnecessary in this moment. You feel like you’re just outside, looking in on Simon’s journey, without actually being too relevant to the path of it. It could have been anyone, really. Pretty much anybody with a heart would have given him the same kind of love, helped him get to this result. You just got lucky enough to come into his life first, but this would have played out the same with anyone.

reader my sweet READER DID YOU NOT PAY ATTENTION TO MY EIGHT-PART PEP TALK WHITEBOARD POWERPOINT PRESENTATION OF HOW AMAZING YOU ARE? as painful it is for me to read how self-deprecating as she is here...her perspective also betrays truly how deeply she sees and loves simon in how lovable she perceives him to be (and how willing she is to give him the sort of patient, kind, long-suffering commitment and devotion I have heard mused and preached about that someone like simon, nay all of us need and want)

Okay, maybe that’s not entirely accurate. The truth is, you want to get used. You’re not even that horny anymore, you just need to feel like you’re desired and important and useful for something.

👀👀 the way voidy is fucking reading the writing on the wall of my brain/pussy is near psychic to me 👀👀

In a roundabout sort of way, being selfish right now and not worrying about anyone else might be what’s best for everybody. There’s only so much you can give.

Your reflection stares back at you in the mirror, with freshly moisturized skin and slightly tired eyes, and you have this unexpected wave of compassion for yourself. You’re only human. You had a big day, and a significant conversation, and you made it through the hard parts. Things are going to be okay now, because you chose right. You’ve poured yourself into people who actually deserve to have you, and it will all work out somehow in the end.

🫂🫂🫂 i love this so much

He throws his legs over the side of the bed and stays there for a minute stretching his neck out, while you remain where you are, vibrating with anticipation. Finally he sighs and glances over his shoulder at you. “Suppose you’re allowed to get excited.”

the fucking GIGGLES that erupted from me... btw PSA if you haven't deduced it already i am madly in love with droll goofy SDJ simon and his dry-ass humor

You’re limp after that, merely a jellyfish washed up on the beach. Simon thinks it’s funny, keeps lifting your wrist in the air and then letting it flop to the mattress. He can’t even see it, but finds it entertaining all the same.

god THIS FUCKIN SCENE i just fucking erupted in giggles but also teared at simon finding humor and joy and laughter in sex again

The anger is inescapable, bordering on full-on rage, though Soap’s face doesn’t move at all. He keeps it locked deep inside, reminding himself that this is good. This is healthy for Simon. This is what he’s always hoped for, companionship and romance for his large, quiet friend. The jealously is intrusive, and he doesn’t claim it as his own.

If I could I would happily spend hours picking through SDJ soap's brain like the basement book aisles at the strand bookstore.. I had a conversation with an IRL beloved recently about how we are only jealous with the things & people that matter most to us....oh johnny boy, don't be embarassed trying to dodge one of the most common and pervasive feelings known to humanity!!! follow the thread to your interior and let it show you something about yourself 👀 (or hell that's what I try to do when I've felt embarrassed about feeling jealous)

But the thing is, he doesn’t want to fuck anyone else. Everything here is so peaceful, even with the emotional turmoil. He can feel the acceptance in the air that these two have generated, soaking into his skin every time he visits here. Things aren’t okay, and that’s somehow okay. It boggles the mind.

ah what's the phrase, better the devil you know? I also fuck with the "finding comfort and familiarity in chaos" vibes though I am trying not to have that be my baseline norm of late

He hasn’t had a hookup since he started coming here. Far less sex than he’s grown used to, and yet he’s finding himself thinking about it less and less. It’s like the obsession with the chase and the release has finally lost its grip on him, and now the connection is what he finds himself thinking about. Fuck the connection. That’s the part that hurts people, and it honestly doesn’t make sense that he’s still feeling safe about it. It must be because they love each other. It’s a convenient buffer, the reason he decided to go through with this in the first place. The line has been drawn in the sand, and he just has to hope they’ll live up to their end of the bargain.

to this I'll just say my people, my IRL beloveds, are the people who saw and accepted me as I was, for who I am - and all my changing ebbs and flows throughout the years, even at my most broken and awful, and ironically their acceptance and love and care for me while I was at my lowest is what helped me more fully return to and be myself... I believe johnny is experiencing a glimpse of that here now 🥹 I am legally obligated to throw in one of my favorite quotes on this topic which I have mentioned before:

There is a twilight zone in our hearts that we ourselves cannot see. Even when we know quite a lot about ourselves-our gifts and weaknesses, our ambitions and aspirations, our motives and our drives-large parts of ourselves remain in the shadow of consciousness. This is a very good thing. We will always remain partially hidden to ourselves. Other people, especially those who love us, can often see our twilight zones better than we ourselves can. The way we are seen and understood by others is different from the way we see and understand ourselves. We will never fully know the significance of our presence in the lives of our friends. That's a grace, a grace that calls us not only to humility, but to a deep trust in those who love us. It is the twilight zones of our hearts where true friendships are born. - Henri Nouwen

Simon did it. It took years, and an angel of a girlfriend, but he fucking did it. It’s simply indescribable, the burst of hope flaming to life in Johnny’s chest. Good things can happen sometimes out of nowhere. Sometimes, in a random bed in a random city, the universe can push a piece back into place that was missing.

this has to be one of the most beautiful lines of prose I've ever read

You enjoy how safe your body feels with his touch, how it’s no longer a thought in your mind that he’s doing this out of pity. You’ve formed this strange sort of sexual bond, and friendship, and it makes sense to your pussy that he gets to touch it whenever he wants.

ah, thinkin with the puss, we've all been there dear reader *pats the puss sagely* also such a simple sentence but one not to be taken for granted - no matter how hardcore the kink, feeling safety with your lover's touch is so so baseline important and crucial 💯

“Mhmm,” you tell Johnny, drawing out each syllable in a slow, breathy voice. “So sweet, and thoughtful, and you smell really… Mmmm... Really good.” Johnny raises his eyes to the ceiling, inhaling a long, frustrated breath. For what reason, you can’t imagine, because you’re certainly doing nothing wrong.

I am laughing my ass off because since first reading this voidy updated the chapter with the lovely @gorsime's incredible SDJ fanart and please, scroll down to the end of the chappie (ch 17) if you haven't seen it already

The guilt does start to hit a little, as you get dragged onto your actual boyfriendʼs lap, and a less-scruffy mouth presses to your cheek. You're being selfish. You've gotten too used to your wants being met, and you really need to dial it back down to just needs. This is simply a wakeup call, like hello, hereʼs reality, sometimes your own fingers are all you get, and thatʼs okay.

I have wondered just how much of this was loosely choreographed & planned by johnny and simon for dear reader 👀

Up until now, sex with Johnny has been somewhat casual, and you haven’t embarrassed yourself too badly. But things are always different, when it’s Simon. Suddenly your heart’s in it. Suddenly your brain is pushed to the side, and all you can think about are brown eyes and big hands, and being as good as you can possibly be. And you’re unused to the feeling of having Johnny nearby when you’re so focused on giving yourself to Simon.

once again, just deeply touched (and turned on) by the evolution of reader & simon's sexual relationship (good boy johnny)

He watches your eyes while his fingers trail down your belly, and to your utter shock you suddenly feel them on your pussy.

once again fuckin screamingggggggg! sometimes when you're in it for the long haul after seeing someone's borky bits and pieces, you'd be surprised how a bit (or more) of tender, trauma/person-specific love, kindness, care, and unusual paths of healing can have in speeding up the process of recovery...so much so that it can seem like a whiplash when you've resigned yourself to an eternity of seeing yourself/ur beloved as wounded/hurt and suddenly (but really not so suddenly!) you both meet A Healing/Healed version of Them/You - is this 2.0, or someone new? who knows!!!! what an adventure (it is currently 2am on a weeknight and I got work tomorrow as I ramble but I AM ON A ROLL also I made the mistake of telling voidy weeks ago that I thought I was gonna post this and hoo boy i am paying that price)

“Why don’t you go see Johnny?” Simon murmurs, giving your forehead one last kiss. “Get you something better than fingers.” “I think you should let her have something of yours,” comes Johnny’s voice, before you can begin to form a reply. “Cross my heart, I won’t look.”

literally yelled out loud omg HIS DICK? IS IT HIS DICK? HOLY SHIT SIMON'S DICK?????? the first time I read this

Your lungs know it’s happening before anything else does. They expand and then hold, and the next drop of your hips feels so good, as something deep inside you turns itself inside out. With a debilitating roll of sensation, you let out a pained cry and feel your cunt begin to brand itself onto him with pulse after pulse of your release. It streams down your limbs and explodes in your belly, and it’s Simon who’s got you this time.

this is pure poetry!!! also something deep inside you turning inside out and streaming down your limbs has got to be one of the best descriptions of an orgasm ive read tbh ive only reeaally experienced a full-body endless orgasm after a ton of edging (like at least 15 min) which I don't have the patience or stamina for anymore ;-; but I still think about that One Magical Night from years ago when I did achieve this

It almost hurts to cum on something that big, but it’s a good kind of hurt.

🥴🤤🥴🤤 mmm iykyk but also yes, prep prep prep preparation is key

Your hand climbs up to his face, but instead of the rough five o’clock shadow you expect to find, the first thing you feel is something wet. He twists his face away, but it’s too late. You felt that line of dampness on the edge of his jaw. His fingers begin to stroke your hair, so you comfort him too. You run your hand across the muscled line of his shoulder, wishing there was something you could say to make it better. Maybe someday when you’re better with words, you can let him know how it feels to have him connected to you like this, to have both of your hearts wide open and witnessing each other. But all you can do right now is caress his neck and plant a little kiss on the skin you can reach, and whisper that you love him. That he’s doing such a good job, and you see his efforts. You see him.

🥹🥹🥹🥹 AAAAND JUST LIKE THAT I AM CRYING AGAIN GOD THIS HAS TO BE SOME KIND OF NEW UNIQUE KINK IVE DEVELOPED WITH THE EMOTIONAL WHIPLASH OF THE HORNYCRYING OF IT ALL

“Doin’ alright?” he asks, hugging you back because he’s a very nice person.

I am so so curious what soap was thinking as he witnessed this little miracle (which came about in no small part thanks to him, that soap, such a saint he is, so kind and selfless and giving and- *cut off by loud explosion*)

You know now, why he didn’t let you cum before. He let you think he was being mean, in order to give you an experience you never thought you’d have. Johnny gave that to you, for no reason other than he knew it would make you happy, and he was the only one who could. The noise he makes when you take him into yourself is so Johnny. It’s half groan, half breathy laugh, mirroring the way he seems to see his sexuality as a game. He just wants you to play with him, that’s all. A little tug on his hair, a little smile while you kiss him, he eats it up. So you do it. You play with him for the noises, because he likes it. You can’t get enough of him, that’s the problem. Yeah, the sex is fun, and necessary at times, but you just like having him in your house. You like those hands that never hurt you, the sunshine in his voice, those eyes that know when to pretend they don’t see things. It’s just who he is.

that post-nut clarity kickin in for reader I see

“Johnny, I like you.” You just barely catch the way his smile drops away, as you take him into your mouth. He’s in it now. No more flirting, no more foreplay. He’s ready for you to get him to your throat, and let him cum in it.

no noo too much post-nut clarity GO BACK READER GO BAC- 😂

“You don’t get to decide that what people need are the things you want them to need. Tea?”

HAHAHA SIMOOOOOOOON TENSION DIFFUSER EXTRAORDINAIRE

I just want to say, shoutout to all my girlies (gn) who can come from a shower head; that shit is just too laser-focused for me to get off 😵‍💫

The way you’d cried and cried over that. It hurts so fucking bad, missing him the way you do, while knowing there’s really no legitimate reason to feel sad.

no legitimate reaso- GIRL HE TURNED YOU INTO A LITERAL SHOWER HEAD, JESUS HIMSELF WOULD WEEP-

He gave and gave, and in a weird way, it left you feeling used. It feels like he stole something from you, by not opening himself up in return.

✨oh, familiar pathways of coping and perceiving trauma responses, is that you✨

“Alright.” You hold the damp towel to your chest and stand there with a few feet of distance separating you, and give him the truth. “You don’t feel safe with me if Johnny’s not in the picture, and I don’t understand why.”

there's got to be something poetic about reader having this convo while butt nakey

What’s he playing at? He’s just standing there, looking at you like you’re something new and interesting. Like he’s redrawing some kind of perception in his mind, and enjoying the outcome.

not even gonna lie, started crying reading that last line ruminating on how far simon has come... 🥹🥹🥹 so proud of these little freaks (supremely affectionate)

“You’re trying to turn me on, but tough titties, I’m already wet.”

reader is basically horny shakespeare to me 😘👌 fucking love her humor

“You’ll tell me if there’s anything you don’t like.” “I will,” you promise. He brings his mouth down to give you a kiss. “...Even if you think it’s something I want.” “You don’t get to have fun, only me,” you recite with a smile. “Good girl.” You get rewarded with another soft kiss, and a firm circle over your clit. “Might have to fool around a bit, it’s been some years for me.” “I have my appointments cleared for the rest of the night.” “Mmmm.” He takes in a long inhale, curling his finger around the gusset of your underwear to start tugging it off. “I like you.” ‘I like you too, baby.”

ur not crying im crying i mean wait what aNYWAY this is my umpteenth readthru of this because this fucking chapter!!!!! my god I was speechless the first few times around and in some sort of holy awe and pride and joy and deep in the feels from he SEX!!! THEY HAD SEX!!! WITHOUT JOHNNY AROUND!!! (but really, I see and hear echoes of johnny in simon's newly gained sexual confidence around reader 👀👀👀)

“Yeah, stuff it. What I bloody well mean is, I thought we’d have time. Because you and me, it’s… it’s going to be a long thing. And I thought we’d get there eventually, and we have.”

🥹🥹🥹🥹

“I won’t,” you promise, running your thumb across the scars on his cheek that you have to consciously notice to even remember they’re there. He’s just so beautiful. It’s not an opinion, or something you’ve talked yourself into, it just is. Some people will look the same however long you know them, but every now and then you meet a Simon Riley who’s just so wonderful that their face turns into something perfect in your eyes.

I love them both so much 🥹🥹🥹🥹 is this not what love is, how reader sees simon

So apparently post-nut clarity Simon is fucking annoying.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

It makes you wonder if something inside him died tonight. Something other people put there, and you both just decided to kill it, because it was time.

once again...pure fucking poetry that has again, left me hornycrying...and again I'd die happy if this fic ended here. i mean, purely sexually speaking, hast thine service not been fulfilled here, loyal johnny boy 👀

I have a friend whose family used to raise seeing eye/service dogs on her farm growing up (yes yes I know her fam could've be doin numbers on the clock app today) and talked about how the training to weed out which puppos were eligible was clocking the ones who could most suppress their instincts & nature to obey and pre-empt needs in their obedience.... everytime I see one out in public I am always a little in awe of how professional it is but also a little secretly heartbroken at the same time for that little puppo that was trained out of itself so early...maybe projecting a little but sometimes I also feel some type of way at seeing that line boasting that Johnny is the youngest SAS recruit as his claim to fame also why i love 141 AUs so much where they are living their best civilian life untouched by war

He’s talking about something inside him, something that settled wrong in his heart today. He saw something about himself that scared him. Maybe it was something new, or maybe it was old and buried, but it violated his personal code in some way. There’s nothing you can do about that. You can’t reach into his chest and dig it out, as much as you wish you could. All you have are your eyes, looking at him now like he isn’t a monster at all, and he never could be.

this incredible fic is still ongoing but I am reminded in so many ways how powerful a simple word, a gaze, a touch, can be in reaching out to share and extend a bit of healing and love - and if that's too lofty a goal, then just to offer acknowledgement and presence.

I think of how much both reader and johnny and even simon with reader shortchange themselves so much throughout the story so far and yet the fruit of their consistent presence in each other's lives is so fucking masterfully crafted and yielded in the latter chapters in the most cathartically rewarding way. I know I am changed from reading about their tender and patient kindness and humor for each other so really to all the people moaning 'bout throuplegate let's be honest this is more of a polycule if we consider simon, reader, johnny, you, me, and voidy 😂😂😂

I mentioned approximately 17 years ago when I first started writing this ramble on asking, "how do we know when we are healed?"

my therapist and I had long, long chats about 'neuroplasticity,' but I knew it when my heart & mind & body responded to it all, combined with the love and support from my IRLs, by replacing one of my persistent nightmares with a new recurring dream - it's been a while, but I dreamt it again after reading SDJ the first time around, and I woke up smiling and crying thinking of simon & reader & johnny & voidy & you <3

I am sitting in a large patch of sunbeam streaming in through my window. my body, normally covered with blood and torn skin and shiny bits of glass leaking out from my wounds, looks different. As I sit in the sunlight my entire body becomes transparent, like oil, or the clear wax of a long burning candle. I become soluble enough to see all those jagged shards inside me and begin easily plucking them out one by one. I see now it's not just glass but claws, teeth, nails - old memories, but all still leftover and festering inside me. I wonder at the source of this change and notice where my heart would be is a wick, and sitting in the sunlight has lit it aflame. as I watch my body become clearer and clearer, I see the rest of all those shards fall out and my wounds softening, blurring, closing up. I move out of the sun and get ready to venture out. My heart still glows and burns steadily, and I remain solvent. Some people reach out with claws, teeth, nails - and find themselves horribly burned by the hot oil as they swipe harmlessly through me and leave no marks. Some people reach out with open hands and arms, and find themselves softening, melting and old wounds and scars under their skins blurring and closing up. I am envisioning where i used to see broken glass inside me, whole, healing, filled with light and water. Like a sunrise and morning inside me.

all this to say, to voidy, and my fellow readers, and fic writers in general - thank you & I love you, for holding my hand and making my days and night a little bit softer & brighter 💛💚❤️‍🩹🌿✨

my fucking god I really really am genuinely contemplating making an invoice to submit to my insurance so that voidy can be duly compensated for tangibly contributing to my positive mental health and growth this year ✨✨✨ mwah mwah mwah mwah so many aggressively affectionate playfully nonromantic chef's kisses for you 💋💋💋 mwah mwah mwa mawh-[devolves into snoring from writing most of this in the wee midnight morning hours between colds, flus, traveling, tears, conventions, funerals, zooms, trains, planes, podcasts-]

A fuckin timely banger of a read from this morning’s commute:

“A sacrament is when something holy happens. It is transparent time, time you can see through to something deep inside time. Needless to say church isn’t the only place where holy happens. Sacramental moments can occur at any moment, at any place, and to anybody. Watching something get born. Making love. A walk on the beach. Somebody coming to see you when you’re sick. A meal with people you love. Looking into a stranger’s eyes and finding out they are not a stranger’s. If we weren’t blind as bats, we might see that life itself is sacramental.” - Frederick Buechner

🌿🌿🌿 thank you stevie for being my latenight crooner and ramblin companion

youtube

#madstrothought #FaFiCoWriMo #fanfiction #call of duty #service dog johnny #void-my-warranty #simon ghost riley x reader #johnny mactavish x reader #ghoap x reader #poly!ghoap #Youtube

47 notes · View notes

ailendolin · 2 years ago

Note

I'd be interested to hear more about why Kitty's behaviour doesn't sit right with you if you'd like to share!

Thanks for asking! And don't worry, I didn't think your ask was mean in any way 😊

I sort of already answered this in an ask game I did for Thomas and Kitty (the relevant part is under "One aspect I wish more people understood about them") but I'll try to summarise it again under the cut.

Thomas and Kitty both cross lines when it comes to Alison. They're obsessed with her - one desperately wants a best friend while the other wants a girlfriend. The main difference is that Thomas gets constantly called out for it by the fandom and Kitty doesn't.

Personally, I think the reason for that is the fact that Thomas has a romantic interest in Alison whereas Kitty's interest is considered more "innocent". Plus one of the first things Thomas does in the show is look in on Alison while she's in the shower (with everyone else present and apparently being okay with it, mind). That one scene seems to have left a lasting impression on people.

But while his behaviour in that one scene is definitely not okay, it's also not fair to reduce Thomas to this moment. When you actually take a look at the boundaries he and Kitty cross, one thing quickly becomes apparent: Kitty is way more up in Alison's personal space than Thomas is. All Thomas really does is poke his head through the door while she showers once and walk into her room uninvited a couple of times (something the others do as well). That's it. Everything else is just him saying things - annoying, yes, but easily ignored.

Kitty, however, is literally in Alison's bed twice in series 1 alone and also watches her and Mike "trying to make babies". I'm pretty sure if Thomas did that there would be an uproar. But since this is Kitty, it gets waved away because aw, she just wants to have a friend, how cute!

But it isn't cute, and that's why I personally think Kitty's behaviour (and also Mary's in series 1 because she's just as bad as Kitty in that regard) is way creepier than anything Thomas does. I'd rather someone confess their undying love to me constantly than wake up even just once next to someone I never invited to my bed.

I think the reason I find Thomas's behaviour easier to deal with is because it's not real. He does not love Alison - we know that, he knows that and Alison knows that. It's all an act, a role he's unable to step away from. He thinks himself so unloved and unwanted that he can't stop reaching for love - but only where it can't hurt him. Alison and Lucy are safe. Nothing can ever come of him pining for them since he's a ghost and they're not. It's quite telling, really, that he only "falls in love" with unreachable women and none of his fellow ghosts.

Kitty, on the other hand, genuinely loves Alison and wants to be her friend which makes her obsessive behaviour really unsettling for me because it's real in a way Thomas's is not. Not to mention that Kitty can be quite manipulative and aggressive when she wants to be, especially when she's jealous and Alison doesn't give her her full attention. We see that pretty well when Alison can't talk to her at the party and Kitty makes a big deal out of it even though Alison actually explains to her why they can't talk that evening. Thomas would walk away in a huff in such a scenario but Kitty sort of guilt-trips people into feeling bad for her even though they've done nothing wrong.

So long story short: both Kitty and Thomas have their faults but the way Kitty constantly ignores physical boundaries and genuinely wants to be the only friend Alison has is more off-putting for me than Thomas's misguided love declarations.

#ask #I don't hate Kitty in case this comes across that way #but her behaviour is highly questionable in quite a few scenes and I don't like how the fandom tends to ignore that #only to turn around and call Thomas a creep #it's totally valid to be creeped out by him #but at least acknowledge that Mary and Kitty cross a lot more physical boundaries than he does

10 notes · View notes

stayforya · 4 years ago

Text

TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE | LEE MINHO

member: lee minho

genre: to all the boys i’ve loved before!au

words: 1.5k

summary: your letters are your most secret possessions. you write them when you have a crush so intense you don’t know what else to do.

a/n: this is a series and you can find the others here. we wanted to do this for a looong time and it’s finally here :) hope you enjoy <3

you always thought lee minho was different

yes, he was the most popular guy in high school, but he was different, even if your friend didn’t agree with it

she said deep down he was like every popular guy: unreachable

you knew it already, but some things changed since the school field trip

you wish to never forget these memories

but anyways, the trip

when he got on the bus, you were already there

you saw him in his glorious being looking at the back of the bus, where he was supposed to sit with his friends

but you swear the moment was almost in slow motion

his earrings swinging as he walked

the smell of his perfume was soft but memorable at the same time

and while you watched him, quietly

his eyes met yours

you immediately turned your head

your whole body heating up as if the weather was hot

but it was a pretty cold day

you didn’t look at him again, but you felt his eyes on you

for half a second

then he went to the back seats, where he sat with his friends

lee minho was handsome

on top of that, he was very smart

everyone knew his talents in math

he would definitely go to one of the best universities in the country

one of your friends finally arrived and sat by your side

she immediately noticed there was something wrong with you

“what did I miss?”, she asked

“nothing at all”

“I know you”

“okay... lee minho just walked by”

“ooooh, I should’ve known! you’re talking about him too often lately”, she teased you

“shhhh! it’s nothing, I just... come on, don’t you find him handsome?”

“I do, everyone does”, she shrugged, “but the thing here, my friend, is that you are affected by lee minho’s presence. it means something”

“it means nothing”, you said, but your smile after said it all

she was right

but it wasn’t like you expected him to notice you

he was too popular

and maybe you liked the idea of an unreachable love

because it was comfortable, after all

but the main point was

you weren’t expecting much

but in that evening, during the last game of the day

you were running like crazy to find the last treasure hidden in the field

you tripped

for real

you didn’t see that huge rock on the ground

you were running and when you noticed you were already laying on the floor

it wasn’t completely dark yet, but the sun had set already

your pants were ripped on the ankle, revealing a bleeding wound

at the moment you saw the wound, it started to hurt

you held your ankle to look closer, but there wasn’t light around and your phone was in your bag, on the tent

you stood up and tried to walk, but the wound felt like burning

so you found a bench and sat there, just until you felt better to run back

you weren’t close to the tents, because the treasure game was supposed to be everywhere in the huge field, even next to the trees around

that’s why it took so long to finish and it was already dark

you felt a flashlight pointing at your face

“my eyes hurt”, you complained

“sorry”, the voice said, putting it down

you tried to focus to finally see who it was

and yes, it was minho

standing there, holding one treasure on his left hand

“are you hurt?”

you almost said no, because for a second you forgot the wound on your leg

since your heart was beating too fast

“I tripped on a rock”

he pointed the flashlight at your leg

“it’s bleeding”, he frowned

he looked worried

“it’s fine, I was just waiting to run back to the tents”

“you need to put some medicine on it”

“yeah, I’ll ask my friend for some”

he thought for a while, rubbed the back of his neck and finally said

“I have it. can you wait here?”

you weren’t thinking straight, but you managed to nod

“wait, what about the treasure?”, you pointed at his left hand

“I’ll just give it to someone”

he started to run until you didn’t see him anymore

should you be scared to be alone at the dark?

everyone was so into the game, still looking for the last treasures, that one person not being around wasn’t too weird

five minutes later, you saw him running back

his earrings swinging as he ran

“did you wait a lot?”

your thoughts were too messy, of course

he was there in front of you

kneeling in front of you with medicine and bandage

“oh you don’t have to-”, you tried to say

but he rested your ankle on his leg

and started to clean the wound with some water

you were so embarrassed for some reason

maybe because it was him and he was being so affectionate with you

you two never even talked for real before

but you knew he was a nice guy

“does it hurt?”, he asked

“not... exactly”, you said, pausing

so he looked up at you and smiled

“the medicine may hurt a little bit”, he said

“I didn’t know you were part of the first aid team”

“I am not, but I wouldn’t run away after seeing you hurt here”, he put the medicine on the wound and you almost didn’t notice because of his soft voice

the silence settled

then you had to say something

but it came naturally

“it’s very nice of you”

he finished applying the bandage and carefully put your feet on the ground

“I’m sure you’d do the same”, he got up and looked at you

you felt his beautiful gaze on you

the moon and his flashlight were the two things that helped you see each other in the dark

you two immediately stopped the eye contact

he coughed

and you noticed he was shy

even though you were pretty shy too in that moment, it was interesting to see that he was feeling the same

and it was because of you

minho always seemed unreachable

he was playful with friends, serious during classes, a work of art while walking the halls

however in that moment with you

he showed you his cute side

something you knew that existed, even not being friends with him

“how do you feel?”, he asked as you stood up

“great”, you smiled, “it doesn’t hurt anymore”

he looked very proud, “the power of the medicine”

you two started walking back to the main field, where the tents were set up

“is it really okay to walk?”, he asked

“yeah, I’m fine”, you answered

“you’re y/n, right?”, he looked at you

“yeah”, you didn’t know he knew your name

not that you were a nobody

but because you never introduced yourself to him

he must have paid attention on you when the teacher called the register

plus, your friends were always calling you here and there at the school, so it wasn’t that hard to know your name

the main thing about it was the way he said your name

it sounded so beautiful

you definitely had a huge crush on him

“and you’re lee minho”

“yeah, I guess you can call me like this”, he played around and that made you giggle

“thank you for this”, you looked at your ankle

“here”, he handed you the flashlight, “in case you need it”

you didn’t have one

you never thought you’d need, though, because no one expected the game to last until after the sunset

you two were almost approaching the groups of people

“won’t you need it?”

“I think I have another one in the bag”

he didn’t, actually

he just wanted to give you that one

you thanked him and accepted

your fingers touched and you noticed the ring on his thumb and the softness of his warm hands

you two walked together and parted ways after saying “bye”

even if you’d still see each other during the whole trip

but it was a goodbye for that moment you two shared

with no one around

you went to your friends and he went to his

they definitely noticed you arrived together

but they saw your ankle and started asking what happened

so you explained

not letting go of the flashlight

lee minho,

I always noticed you, but never expected you had noticed me too. everyone’s eyes are on you and I was one of them, admiring you from afar. because we never talked to each other, I only knew what everyone knew – how smart and handsome you are. but in the moment you stopped by, worried about my injury and did something about it, I knew you were a good guy. there is more about you than the title of ‘the most popular guy in high school’, and I’d love to know everything. but I think, even not having everything, to have some things is still special. that’s why I treasure that moment, the flashlight and the way your caring eyes still met mine after that. I like to collect memories, which is something you’ll never know about me, unless you read this letter. I know you’ll never read, I’m just writing to mark on paper the good memory you left on me.

love,

y/n

87 notes · View notes

koushisatori · 4 years ago

Text

All you have to do is ask

It’s me again! This isn’t beta-read yet, but I’ll do so tomorrow after lunch!! But i need to get this out of my drafts asap and...well, here you go!! Edit: 16.11.,13:10: I beta’ed it now and weeded out dumb mistakes (and made new ones, probably ) ! ♡ ～('▽^人)

oikawa x f!reader

genre: small bit of angst, fluff

warnings: someone kinda trying to force themselves onto you??

word count: 3.4k

note: this was supposed to be a drabble, now look at what it turned out to be </3</blockquote>

____________________________________________________

Tooru was sure that he had saved at least thousands of people in his last life to deserve you liking him back

you didn’t play ‘’unreachable’’ but he had to out in some work for you

especially with his fan club being all over him all the damn time,

but you never gave him any reason to doubt your intentions with him which is why he took wooing you very seriously

both of you actually spend a lot of time by just talking and getting to know each other due to that

for example: he liked taking you on cute little and spontaneous dates on volleyball-free afternoons and would then walk you home after

or on lunch breaks that you (at first) spend with him alone

(sometimes he waits at your classroom door to pick you up if it’s manageable for him - aka if he’s not swarmed by people with confession letters)

later you both are consequently joined by Iwa, Mattsun, and Makki

the last two loved teasing him with their ‘fun facts for lunch’

’’(Y/N)?’’ you hear Makki sing even before you can see any of the other three. next to you, Tooru groans in advance

’’Did you know that ‘Kawa can reach a g’’ as soon as he’s eye to eye with an insect larger than your pinky finger?’’ the strawberry haired boy says, mattsun next to him wagging his eyebrows

the professional that you are easily suppresses a grin, you merely chuckle amused

’’Who isn’t afraid of bugs larger than that? There are way smaller things that could kill you!’’ you exclaim with wide eyes ‘’...and I’ll gladly channel all my bravery and…’’ you look around before leaning forward, the two boys following your example, intrigued by the secretive expression on your face ‘’…annihilate everything and everyone that might scare Tooru or make fun of hi’’ – ‘’WOAH, (Y/N)-‘’

they had tried to flirt with you just to fuck with Oikawa (so with no real intention) but they had to realize rather quickly that this was a hopeless task – you couldn’t tell that people were flirting with you unless they spelled it out

(literally that one meme; you: ’’were you flirting with me, Tooru?’’ Tooru: did for the past half-year, thanks for noticing tho <3’’)

Don’t worry you know the setter well enough by now to be able to tell when he does, and really - only Tooru’s flirting matters to you

it also makes you blush furiously, now that you truly get it, but we’re not talking about that

Iwaizumi took you to the side one day while you were waiting for Oikawa to finish his training

he asked you sternly if you were sure that you would be able to handle days, weekends, and sometimes weeks in which Tooru would unintentionally prioritize Volleyball over you

said, that you had to find a balance on the fine line that was leaving him be with his training and stopping him from overexertion (and really ruining his knee)

after assuring that yeah, you would because you genuinely liked him, volleyball obsession and all, and that wanted to be with him, Iwa let go of any rest reservations he had had against you and joined the general teasing

Okay, moving on

as soon as his and your interest in each other became clear, you kept a clear distance from other males (and females, ‘yer that desired, as you should btw)

if they pushed it, you unmistakable stated that you’re not interested in other advances because you liked someone

Like??? Oikawa really just had to say the magic words at this point, you'd say yes in an instant

for god's sake tf is he waiting for?!!

despite you being obvious with your interest in the setter and disinterest in everyone else regarding this you constantly get approached by admirers

some people need it spelled out that you mean what you say, honestly

A thing Tooru liked so much about you was your kindness, but it also was the reason that - as already said - some people still thought they might have a chance

it’s not your fault, your natural charm is like...the 8th wonder of the world!!

due to your impeccable behavior and perfect grades, you obviously were the teachers’ favorite student to pick to help out other students

cue to: oh, look!! you're chosen again *sigh*

up until now, the tutoring never bugged Tooru too much, it was more like an itch he couldn’t scratch

but usually, they weren’t after school (giving up your lunch break, you’re a hero) and never awoke any rumors

your latest ’student’ seemed to think that he was close to ’’winning you over’’, though, that you were secretly but undeniably head over heels for him by now

’’I’ve heard that he plans on asking (Y/N) out today!’’ - ‘’No way! Even with Oikawa-Senpai obviously being interested in her?’’ - ‘’Yes!’’ - ‘’Death wish~’’

Tooru had to hear it in between classes and while he trusted you (and the last comment made him chuckle a bit), this was not the case for that guy

You: go home after class, Tooru, I need to give another tutoring session :(

of course, he wanted to hear none of that, especially with the hushed words fresh in his mind

meanwhile, you vividly imagined his annoyed expression reading it and the cute little huffing sound; you couldn’t help but smile softly to yourself </3

Tooru Σ>―(〃°ω°〃)♡→: I’ll wait for you, (Y/N)-chan, Iwa-chan and me wanted to try out something anyway (^.~)☆

Tooru Σ>―(〃°ω°〃)♡→: also, I waited to try out the sweets at the patisserie for too long to not eat my weight in cake twice today, so you better hurry if you want me to share with you

His answer clearly stating: I will wait for you, don’t take too long

Okay, maybe he was a bit jealous

that this guy gets a reward – another hour with you alone - for being stupid ?? it obviously fed into a crazy fantasy and it was unfair

Oikawa reminded himself that he had no reason to be jealous, especially since he had yet to ask you out and make it official

(it had to be perfect and cute just like you, okay? no rom-com was able to prepare him for the real thing!!)

training – for the first time in years – dragged on endlessly

his mind kept wandering, and after the first 5 volleyballs to the head, courtesy of a very annoyed Iwaizumi, said one took matters into his own hands dragging his sulking best friend out of the gym

‘’If you’re jealous, Shittykawa, then fucking confess already.’’ Iwaizumi says with his no-bullshit voice, letting go of Tooru's jacket.

While it was obvious that Oikawa is, in fact, super fucking jealous, he chuckles and puts on an easy smile. ‘’Silly Iwa-chan! I’m not- OUCH!’’ The brunet yelps, holding the back of his head and looking at his childhood friend with a pout.

‘’First of all, fuck you, Shittykawa, for thinking I’m falling for your dumb act.’’ The ace growls, narrowing his eyes. ’’(Y/N) is a beautiful girl. Of course, Extras try to get close to and confess to her, you morron.’’ The spiky-haired let’s out a tsk-sound, seeing Tooru’s wide eyes. ‘’I at least hope you are aware that she is waiting for you to ask her out officially, right? It’s literally on you to put your foot over the line between a girl friend and your girlfriend. But if you take too long, she’ll eventually be fed up with waiting…so why in hell are you stalling?’’ Iwaizumi huffs, crossing his buff arms over his chest.

With a shrug, Oikawa looks up to the sky before his gaze travels down to settle on his feet, shuffling from side to side. ‘’I’m scared that making it official will do more harm than good, Hajime. She never said something else but…is she really fine with me forgetting basic things over Volleyball? Or will she leave me after a while like my last girlfriend? Because she realized Damn, he’s really into volleyball. I also don’t want to hurt (Y/N) by asking her to be mine and then…being me and screw everything up again.’’ Tooru whispers quietly, trying to hide the vulnerability while intentionally avoiding his best friends eyes.

‘’You’re dumb, Tooru.’’

Well…that’s not what he was expecting Iwaizumi to do or say. A punch against his upper arm or chest maybe, or a kick to the shin – always with love but still painful enough to get the message across. But not a soft-voiced statement paired with a sigh.

‘’I hate...’’ Iwaizumi says, waving his hand up and down. ‘’...why do I have to do...the emotionally charged pep talk.’’ He grumbles, pulling his hand over his face before he looks up directly into Oikawa’s insecure but also curious eyes.

’’You might not be aware of it, but things already are different compared to last time. (Y/N) does not just accept your passion, but supports you fully. With the amount of time she spends on the bench doing her homework and cheering for everyone when we do training's matches, while remembering our schedules and matches, she’s practically an inofficial second manager. By any means, she’s a perfect match to your madness, it’s scary.’’ he jokes, thinking of all the small things you do for his best friend that - in the end - make him trust you even more.

‘’But…what might be more important to you right now is that you’re not behaving like last time as well. You still are so freaking stupid and overexert yourself…but you check up on her whenever you take a water break. If it's asking in person or sending her a message. You make sure to have at least two free afternoons where you spend time with each other, which is two days more than you did last time by the way. You have that stupidly dopey smile on your face when you see Y/N. I mean…nothing ever breaks your focus after you set foot on the field and yet here we are, standing outside because all you do is mope around instead of playing!’’ The spiky-haired player huffs.

After a moment of silence, Tooru cries out an ‘’Iwa-chan, you do love me!’’ while draping himself over his best friend. ‘’Oi, Trashykawa!’’ the other protests with a fake angry voice, yet hugging the other back for a second before he pushes him off nonetheless.

‘’Okay, now move your ass, the pinning you two are doing is a pain to witness.’’ Iwa says accusatory before going back into the gym, leaving Oikawa to make a decision.

Hurrying through the gym to the changing rooms, Tooru nearly makes it out unseen until Yahaba is half asking, half yelling from the other side of the hall. ‘’Oikawa-san, where are you going?’’

With a wide grin and his signature peace sign (it’s for his own emotional support here, okay, his nerves are killing him), the Captain turns around to announce ‘’I’m finally getting myself a girlfriend!’’ before he quickly leaves his hollering teammates.

(Oikawa was quite sure to hear Mattsun yell something like ‘All of you! Pay up!’ and Kyoutani muttering an ‘I’m leaving.’ somewhere in his vicinity.)

5 Minutes later, the brunet looks through all the classrooms in the hallway you should be in, teaching a good for nothing that was adamant about trying to steal you away from him. Tsk.

Right after turning around the corner, Tooru hears a dull thud, followed up by a soft gasp that made his insides churn uncomfortably. That it’s immediately followed by a low, deep voice doesn’t help at all with calming Oikawas heart beat. He slowly creeps closer to the slightly ajar door to the room with the treacherous sounds. The soft whimper following was unmistakably you, and his heart suddenly felt like it was on the verge of breaking for a second.

Should he turn around and leave? Perhaps Iwaizumi was right with you being tired of waiting for him. Maybe you were tired and accepted someone else?

Luckily, a gruff inner voice growls – surprisingly sounding like his best friend – and mentally slaps him. You never gave him a reason to doubt your affection! And if he had to fight for your affection then so it be! Also, you wouldn’t engage in something inappropriate out in public. There was a 99,9% chance of him misinterpreting everything due to his own insecurities, and you being uncomfrotable right now. Unacceptable.

With his resolve strengthened again, the setter finally takes the last steps over to the door. Standing there, he finally could understand the words being spoken. Oikawa suddenly had a presentiment of what was happening inside.

Meanwhile, you were struggling unceasingly. ’’It…it is flattering that you…that you like me, honestly!! And…there are surely many other girls that would feel honored to be confessed to by you, but I like someone else, I’m sorry. Please, accept my choice!’’ you say, damming your voice for shaking and underminding your own statement.

’’Ah, ah, pretty girl, it’s not nice to lie.’’ the guy in front of you chuckles. The usage of such a pet name makes you cringe in disgust. There’s only one person allowed to give you tese kind of names. ‘’I know you like me, too. You with your cute little blush when you talk to me and lingering soft touches-‘’

A scandalized sound of protest leaves your lips. You were just short of stomping your foot. ’’I did no such thing! I-’’ But as before, your words meet a seemingly deaf ear.

’’I will be the best boyfriend a pretty girl like you could ever wish for.’’ Moving closer, the guy slowly backs you up until you meet the chalkboard behind you. ’’Come on, give in.’’ He murmurs, hitting his hand against the board next to your head, which forces a scared whimper out of you. ‘’I’m all you need.’’

Stepping into the room, Tooru couldn’t believe his eyes and ears,. The blood in his veins slowly but surely starts to boil.

’’Please, let me leave! I told you, I am not interested. I am with-’’ You plea softly, one hand pressed against the guys’ chest to stop him from coming any closer, – did he really try to kabedon you against the chalkboard? - while your other was hidden from his view. Even though you were trying your best, the distance between the two of you was insultingly sparse, the guy making up for the lack bodily closeness in general by leaning forward enough for your faces to be separated by only a few inches. You could probably feel his breath on your face. Tooru really felt like punching the guy.

’’What’s so special about the pretty boy anyway? He has many girls running after him to choose from, let me have you. I’ll treat you better! I have so much free time and I would spend all of it on you. Let me take you out for a coffee, pretty girl, or dinner. Hm? I’ll prove my words directly. I mean…he hasn’t even asked you out! It’s unfair how he is keeping you on the back burner, stringing you along. To you…’’ suddenly the boy moves closer, lowering his voice to a sultry murmur ‘’…and to m-‘’

’’That’s enough.’’ Oikawa says, his tone icy, sending shivers down the other male's spine. You on the other hand…

’’Tooru…’’ you whisper, relief evident, as you watch him move closer to you as fast as humanly possible. Yet you still aren’t able to reach out. ’’Please, Tooru…’’

Upon hearing your soft whimper, his brown eyes follow yours to your other hand, realizing that said one is still in the firm grip of the guys' right. At that a clearly dangerous growl leaves the usually sweet brunet. ‘’If you don’t let go of her in the next two seconds and leave her be for good in 5, I can and will break your arm.’’ Oikawa threatens with an overly sweet, yet terrifying smile, wrapping his own hands around the guy's wrist, blunt nails pressing painfully into the sensitive flesh on the inside.

With a hiss, the guy finally pulls back his hand. It allows you to seek shelter behind the tall setters back. Your fingers tightly hold onto his shirt while you peek at the other from behind him. ’’Aww, come on, pretty boy,…’’ he says, voice provoking, the words clearly meant to degrade Oikawa. ’’…let me have some fun with sweets over there, and when I’m done you can have her all to yourself.’’ To top of his words, he winks at you.

With the way he had tensed up the first moment, you half expect Tooru to suit the action to the word, and really break his arm...instead, Oikawa looks the other dead in the eye, while saying ’’Hey, (Y/N)-chan,? There’s that really sickening wretched smell in here, it’s kind of painful. I’d like to take you somewhere nice, will you get your things?’’

You hastily nod and do as you are told while Tooru continues to stare the other down, keeping his attention away from you and using the slighty height difference to his advantage. The moment you reach him, Oikawa finally lets go of the others wrist, grabbing yours instead. You tug him to the door as quick as possible, when suddenly life found its way back into the other.

‘’Hey, what did you mean?’’ he asks, half angry, half clueless. Unable to accept his loss.

Oikawa turns back one last time, a smirk settling on his lips while his eyes twinkle with amusement. ‘’I said, that a mouth breather as pitiful as you are is a disgrace to be in the vicinity of someone as amazing as her.’’ And with that, you both finally leave.

(Y/N)-chan…are you alright?’’ Tooru asks once you left the school grounds. His thumb drawing little circles on the back of your hand.

You nod before you eventually look up, worrying your lip. ’’Thank you. I…I was really scared. Even though I'm sure that he would have done something…something…’’ you swallow down the nasty words, shuddering slightly. ’’I’m glad you came to save me, Tooru.’’ You finally settle on, pink coloring your cheeks. Beckoning him to lean down a bit by waggling your finger, you softly craddle his face and press a kiss to his cheek. The blush becoming more intense now with every passing moment.

Before you can pull back your hands, though, his had already found purchase on yours, keeping them - and you - in place. Everything about this moment felt right to him. Maybe now was the right time. ’’Pretty girl...’’ he murmurs, assessing your reaction. (He notes, pleased, that your blush intensifies, and your smile turns all giddy. He needs you to forget about that douchebag calling you that. He would repeat it until all you remembered was his voice using it.) ‘’I kind of really, really, really want to kiss you right now…’’ He whispers, the warmth of his cheeks telling him that he was most likely sporting a blush similar to yours. ’’…Will you be mine? Will you allow me to hold your hand? To kiss you silly? To steal bites of your food and make up for it with compliments and as many cuddles as you wish? Will you allow me to brag about you being my girlfriend and force you to wear my jersey to all my matches now and in the future?’’ His eyes didn’t leave yours for a second. He enjoyed watching yours light up as if he had just hung the stars in the night sky, or as if he had made you the best present a girl could wish for.

’’Tooru…I thought you’d never ask…’’ you say with a smile so affectionate that it makes him feel mushy and warm all over. And then he finally closes the gap.

The moment your lips meet for their first kiss is better than anything he had ever imagined. It isn’t a firework exploding, nor an unbalanced fight of passion and dominance. Instead, it’s gentle. A loving flow and exchange, wrapping you both in a blanket of warmth. A bubble just for the two of you. He understood what Iwaizumi meant with different, because – even though this relationship just started – he knows, that with you he had found a completely new world of comfort and love. Being with you already felt like coming home.

#nearly wrote kidney instead of kindness #oh (y/n) baby your kidneys turn me on so bad #wtf tooru!?#sfdhdjk sorry #anyway #Haikyuu imagines #haikyu headcanons #haikyuu x reader #aoba josai x reader #oikawa x reader #oikawa x you #haikyuu #haikyuu!!#did i use the word kabedon a verb? yep i did #is this correct? idk idc #i think this is to be categorized as dialogue heavy <3 #realized i made a grammatical mistake in the tags #ultimate certificate for dumbness <3333 #haikyuu scenarios

97 notes · View notes

artificialqueens · 4 years ago

Text

On The Ground (Rosénali) - Moonshot

A/N: So… Guess who is back after a year of not writing fics? Yours truly! What can I say? Rosénali is that powerful of a ship. As always, I hope eveyone enjoys this fic. Feel free to let me know what you think… Who knows, there might be a follow up to this little fluff in the future! Little side note: this is a lesbian au where most of the s13/s12 girls appearing are cis-female, however Mik is still a trans man in the fic.

Summary: The diner girl!Denali x street singer!Rosé AU based on Blackpink’s Rosé’s solo music that nobody asked for!

ao3 link https://archiveofourown.org/works/30267687

Denali stared at the round clock above the entrance of the diner.

4:57 PM.

Three more minutes until her shift was over.

Three more minutes until the girl who had been a fixed character in her dreams would come from around the corner, set up her guitar, greet the passersby before starting her set for the evening like she did every Wednesday.

“So, gorge, are you going to ask the champagne girl out today, or are you just going to keep on creepily staring at her from afar?”, her coworker, Kade - or as everyone called him, Mik - appeared next to her with an empty tray.

“Her name is Rosé, not champagne girl!”, Denali rebutted, “and also, for the record, I don’t just… stare. I just happen to like appreciating her set without bothering her! It’s not like she was flirting with me that one time”.

“Did I just hear our Nali denying her crush on that pink-haired singer, again?”, Olivia, who was busy running the cash register, chimed in.

“Girl, I think we should start betting against her and maybe we’ll make more money than what they can pay us here!”, Mik joked as he washed some of the dishes in the sink.

The black-haired girl rolled her eyes, ignoring her two best friends and focusing on the performer’s much-anticipated arrival.

Denali didn’t believe in love at first sight but after the first time Rosé and her guitar had shown up on the other side of the road from Tamisha’s Diner, she couldn’t think about anything else.

There was just something about the other girl that had the Alaskan girl enamored.

The first - and so far only - time she had talked to Rosé was out of necessity as the other girl and who she assumed were her two best friends - the diner girls had dubbed them ‘Pastel Powerpuff girls’ - had decided to dine in just as Denali’s shift at the register had started.

“Hi! Did you enjoy our diner?”, the skater had put on her best smile, not quite able to meet the gaze of the taller girl as she typed out the receipt.

“Oh, sure, the skating gig is cute, the food’s great, and the service… isn’t too bad either,” Denali could see from the corner of her eye the smirk on the pink-haired girl.

“Rosie! Quit flirting with every cute girl that breathes and hurry up or Jan and I are leaving you here, the Uber is going to be here in 2 minutes!”, the blue-haired girl went on with the other girl in the friend group while ‘Rosie’ rolled her eyes at them.

“Sorry about Lagoona, she has the tact of an elephant on rollerskates,” the taller girl joked.

“O-Oh, no problem. So, your total is 20,04$, will you be paying in cash or card? Also, are you splitting the bill?”

“Since dumb and dumber over there already left, I’ll just pay everything with my card,” she replied taking out her purse and taking out her credit card, “here you go, angel”.

Denali tried her best not to blush at the sudden pet name, maintaining her on-the-clock persona as she brought out the card reader. She quickly finished up the operation and handed the pink-haired girl her card back with the receipt, “I just need a quick signature here and you’re free to go to your friends”.

‘Rosie’ scribbled down her signature - she learned her actual name was Rosé, classy yet slightly worrying - and left a tip for her.

A 10$ tip for her.

“Gorge, she left you a 10$ tip, she was basically asking for your hand in marriage”, Mik reminded her, his eyes darting around the half-empty diner.

He nodded his head to his left where Denali saw another one of her co-workers sharing a milkshake with her girlfriend, giggling like teenagers, “I’m just saying. If Utica managed to end up dating that self-proclaimed ebony enchantress over there, you got a chance with wine girl”, he ended with his trademark L.A vocal fry.

Denali knew Mik had a point, but as she was about to reply, she heard the familiar sound of a guitar starting a new song. Her eyes glanced back at the clock.

5:14 PM

Damn, she had missed the beginning of the set.

The Alaskan girl didn’t lose any more time as she clocked out, skates still on her feet as she zoomed out of the diner.

“Aaaaand she’s gone!”, Olivia commented, turning her head to Mik, “Do you think this time is the good one?”

“Well, if she doesn’t finally go after her, I might as well go after her myself!”

Denali reached the usual crowd that had already formed around Rosé, trying her best to blend in and not be seen by the singer while still getting a good view of the set.

“Well, aren’t you guys a lovely crowd!”, the pink-haired singer smiled as she got ready for the next song, “I’ve got one last song for today and this is going to be the first time I’ll be performing it, so, don’t hate it too much!”, she chuckled as she checked her guitar before turning her head back to the mic stand, “This is On The Ground, I’m Rosé and I hope you’ve enjoyed the set! Feel free to drop your tips in the guitar case!”

Denali couldn’t take her eyes off Rosé when she heard the guitar’s first chord paired with the honey-like vocals.

My life’s been magic seems fantastic

I used to have a hole

in the wall with a mattress

It’s funny when you want it

Suddenly you have it

You find out that your gold’s just plastic

The black-haired girl quickly pulled out her phone, opened her voice memo app, and hit record. She wanted to treasure the magic Rosé’s voice brought.

What she failed to notice while she was so into the song was a pair of hazel eyes settling on her as the song reached its climax.

A couple of days later, Denali had just finished with her teaching job at the local ice rink when she spotted Olivia on the railings.

“The suspicious lack of a certain pink-haired girl makes me think that you still haven’t asked her out” she heard the younger girl say as she skated her way to her.

“You’ll never let it go, won’t you, Liv?”

“Not when I see that you like her and, from what I’ve seen, she is at least interested in you. Mik tried to ask her out yesterday after your shift was over,” the other girl replied.

Denali furrowed her brows, “Wait, he was serious about asking her out? I thought he was just joking!”

“If you don’t act on your cute pink crush, you can’t expect everyone else to stop for you,” Olivia reasoned, “if it’s of any help, Mik did say that, and I quote ‘she didn’t want a piece of this fine ass’”, she finished, air quoting their co-worker.

“To be honest, the dude’s barely got an ass compared to me,” Denali muttered, but her best friend managed to catch it.

“Well, as Symone said, you do have a fat ass,” Olivia commented, causing both of them to laugh out loud.

She continued, “Point still stands though, you gotta do something or you might just end up regretting not doing anything about it”.

The dark-haired girl sighed, “I know, I’m just… scared to get hurt because she seems so cool and unreachable, and I’m just so… me?”, she confessed, resting her arms on the rails.

“Give it a chance, Nali,” Olivia replied, laying her hand on the skater’s arm and giving it a gentle squeeze, “And just in case, if she fucks you over, we’ll just unleash Kandy on her!”, she added, making Denali chuckle.

“Girl, if she knew you said that…”

“She would do absolutely nothing because she’s too busy chasing after that Joey guy”, she didn’t miss a beat with her reply, giving her a knowing look, “Almost forgot to ask, are you coming later to the club with the others?”

Denali shook her head, “No, sorry. I don’t feel like clubbing today, I’ll just skate a bit more and then go home to watch some Netflix”.

Olivia shrugged her shoulders, “You do you, girl. But think about what I said, okay?”

She gave her best friend a small smile, “Thanks, Liv. See you at work?”

The younger girl nodded and left Denali to her thought as she exited the room. The black-haired skater turned her head back to the rink, noticing that only a few people were left on the ice.

She took a deep breath, putting her earbuds back in and looking through her phone to decide on what song to use for her last routine of the day. Her eyes fell on the voice memo app, immediately reminding herself of the recording she had taken just a few days prior. She hadn’t even listened to it since she had recorded it.

It wasn’t a clean recording, she could hear the sounds of the city and the people around her, but she closed her eyes and focused on Rosé’s voice, letting it guide her.

The music fully took her over as she performed her usual stunts.

I’m way up in the clouds

And they say I’ve made it now

But I figured it out

Everything I need is on the ground

She found herself in the center of the rink, the bridge of the song was blasting in her ears. She smiled to herself as she started to spin, gradually picking up speed while Rosé’s high notes were all she could focus on.

Just drove by your house

So far from you now

But I figured it out

Everything I need is on the

Everything I need is on the ground

The recording stopped abruptly, she remembered how she had to bolt away, almost missing her bus home.

Denali could hear her heavy breathing, suddenly aware again that she wasn’t alone. But she had made up her mind.

She was going to talk to Rosé the following Wednesday.

That Wednesday the diner was busier than usual, giving Denali barely a moment to think, let alone realize she was missing Rosé’s set outside.

She glanced at the clock.

5:26 PM

Shit.

She turned her head and looked outside the diner’s big windows and saw that the pink-haired girl was starting to gather her things.

“Miss Iman just left, go to her! We’ll cover for you and we are not letting you get back in unless you got a date!”, Olivia said quietly enough for just her to hear.

Denali couldn’t help the grin spreading across her face. She grabbed some of the tips that she had made before she bolted outside, faintly hearing the cheering of her friends.

As she reached Rosé on the other side of the road, the singer’s back was facing her, she didn’t seem to have noticed Denali yet.

The black-haired girl took a deep breath, just like she had done on the ice rink, and let the tips fall into the still open guitar case.

The noise of falling change was what made Rosé turn around, a surprised look on her face as she registered Denali’s face.

“Denali?”

Gosh, she could hear the other girl say her name all day.

Wait.

“How do you know my name?”, Denali asked slightly confused.

Rosé didn’t reply but simply pointed at the waitress’s chest.

Oh, right. The nameplate on her uniform.

“That and also I tend to remember a pretty face when I see one,” she added, now her attention fully on the shorter girl.

“Oh, yeah, right”, she fidgeted awkwardly, not knowing where to look, “Uhm, I just wanted to say that you have a really beautiful voice. You can consider me your first fan when you make it big”.

Rosé smiled at her and Denali couldn’t help but notice how beautiful of a smile she had.

The singer turned back to her stuff, shuffling things around and leaving the brunette to her thoughts. She wanted to ask the taller girl out but felt all her courage leave her body.

Way to go, Nali.

“Well, Uhm, I think I should-”, she started but she was stopped by the pink-haired girl, who had finished packing everything up.

“Here, this is for you”.

It was a jewel case cd, a picture of Rosé in a very 80s inspired attire on the cover with pink marker writing across the front.

‘To Denali

My first (and hopefully not last) fan

Rosé xo’

It was signed with a small rose doodle next to Rosé’s name and, much to Denali’s surprise, a phone number along with the phrase ‘put it to good use’.

She looked up to find the other girl staring at her, her guitar case strapped on her back. She gave her a wink and started walking towards the subway.

Denali stood there for what felt like forever as she watched Rosé disappear in between the crowd of people roaming the streets.

She looked back down at the cd, committing the number to memory. She turned around to look at the back, her eyes were drawn to the tracklist.

She smiled when she saw On The Ground.

Finally, she didn’t have to listen to a shitty phone recording to enjoy it.

“Wait, what? You had recorded it all secretly and shady, mama?”

Rosé’s laugh filled the room as Denali tried to hide her face on the other girl’s bare chest.

“You’re an ass! I just wanted to use it for one of my skating routines”, she muttered, causing her girlfriend to laugh even harder.

“I find it cute that I’m not even famous and my music has already been pirated!” she commented, “I’m already halfway there to stardom, baby girl,” she added, kissing the top of Denali’s head.

The shorter girl groaned as she hid the increasing blush on her cheeks, rolling her body so that she was on top of the pink-haired girl.

“Well, miss Rosé, is it pirating if it was for personal pleasure only?”, Denali teased, running her hands upwards on the naked skin, slowly lowering herself until her face was inches away from her girlfriend’s.

She felt Rosé’s hands take a firm hold of her behind, “Oh angel, I’ll show you personal pleasure,” the singer replied, eliminating the little space left between their lips as Denali brought her hands to cup the older girl’s face.

Rethinking about those lyrics Rosé had written months prior, Denali knew she was right, she did have everything she needed on the ground.

It was to be right there with Rosé.

#rpdr fanfiction #denali foxx #rosé #olivia lux #gottmik #rosnali #fluff #lesbian au #diner au #s13 #moonshot #submission

24 notes · View notes

daesungindistress · 4 years ago

Note

Sorry if this is kinda old news but it's been on my mind for a while. Do you think ot5 stans are clinging onto seungri because they're holding onto bigbang's "kings of kpop" title? Like they're afraid bigbang won't be attached to that title anymore..if they forget about seungri.

???

Once upon a time there were five kings. One broke his crown, gave up his throne, relinquished his title, and was banished from the kingdom for being a crook. Now there are four kings. GD, TOP, Taeyang, and Daesung are very much still kings without him. The decline of one, from sovereign to sleaze, does not negate the power and presence of the others.

Except... in the short term I suppose it does. if only they would come back and reclaim their thrones! I’m tired of seeing the “kings” lie so low, even knowing why it has to be so. Seungri was only 1/5 of the group but 4/5 of BIGBANG’s sunken reputation is his doing. It was quite the parting gift. I cannot stress enough the devastation he dealt them before, during, and after his departure... the damage his followers are still inflicting today. The only way for BIGBANG to work themselves up and out of the disgraceful state he left them in is to bring this interminable hiatus of theirs to an end. The title “kings of kpop” is one hundred percent theirs for the (re)taking... and rest assured, they will do it without him.

It’s not that complicated. The main reason most OT5 fans still cling to Seungri is because they are uniformly uninformed. And for those who fancy themselves informed, misinformed. And the scant few who are actually aware? They don't care; they spend their days chasing down damning information and hoping no one will notice as they find new ways to sweep it under the rug. Dumped their dignity down the drain. All the halfway decent Seungri stans saw the writing on the wall and left the fandom years ago, taking what remained of their dignity with them. I am sympathetic to those fans -- or to their memory, anyway. They did the right thing; they saw what he’d become and accepted that his time here had come to an end. His and theirs, and away they went.

The repugnant few who refused to go were bottom of the barrel, even back then. Now, years later, we have a whole new generation of VIPs who don’t have the faintest idea about what really happened during Burning Sun. As international fans all that old news is practically unreachable, except from sources who will never be forthcoming about their fave at his absolute worst. Since their first day here they’ve been raised on lies, like sheep being fattened for slaughter by wolves. “OT5” fans are just Seungri stans’ sad recruits. OT5 as it exists now is a farce and a gross distortion of what it used to be. The old souls know.

Since we’re on this topic... and I know I don’t talk about it much these days but... I’d like to take this opportunity to draw attention to what I think is an interesting update in “the case” as everyone loves to call it. The other day a hearing was held for Seungri’s violence instigation charge, in which (long story short) one victim said he hadn’t felt very threatened at the time and wasn’t interested in pressing charges (okay), while the other said he had felt threatened and verified that the men who took him outside and roughed him up that night had arrived in Seungri’s defense, "talking like gangsters" and saying things like "Don't you know who that was?" inside the room they'd forced him out of. The message being that the person they were shielding (Seungri) was someone of significance. Threats and intimidation to satisfy the up-and-coming CEO’s out-of-control ego, what else is new?

That said, there was an interesting point made at the end of the report: something to the effect of “This is a clear case in which, although the victims did not come forward on their own (they were found through CCTV footage and brought forward by investigators) the incident did happen, there were victims, and it’s confirmed that Seungri was at the center of the conflict.” Not only that, he was the cause of it -- the reason for the disturbance. All these people involved, and for what? To pacify him and his “bad attitude”.

This is important. This goes beyond his violence charge; this has far-reaching implications for several of his other charges: prostitution for himself and others, financial crimes, etc. And did I not say, back in January when this charge was brought against him, that this must be the reason? The argument prosecutors appear to making is that there is a pattern of crimes with Seungri at the center, committed on his behalf, with action taken at his urging. As a high-profile celebrity and a person of influence he managed to keep his hands relatively clean by calling on his connections to do his bidding -- which they did readily.

Funny, because I’ve long been bothered by what I saw in him as a tendency to use others as a means to an end. Including his own fans who, strangely, don’t seem to mind being yanked around by their puppet strings.

Another thing: Seungri is charged with sharing an illicit/illegal photo in the group chat -- that of a woman (women?), naked, from behind. His fans insist it isn’t molka (taken and/or shared in secret, without consent) but that has always been up for debate; because the photo was taken from behind the subject, the victim, could not be identified and contacted for questioning. Seungri claims the photo was sent to him by someone else as an advertisement “for business purposes.” Well, Jung Joonyoung doesn’t agree; not long ago he testified that he believed Seungri took the photo himself. Which makes it molka. And makes him just like his friends. It also makes him a filthy liar, and not for the first time.

This aligns with the chat transcript, by the way; when Seungri posted the photo in the chat his friends thought it was his own and that he was sharing with them who he was with and what he was doing at the time, replying, “Now? ㅋㅋㅋ” Seungri’s response? Not clarification. Nothing about business. Just laughter.

All his attorney could say about the matter was suggest that JJY’s memory of the incident may be faulty. Going the doubt route, I see. Weak.

I just think it’s funny because of course JJY would be the one to rat him out -- after all, we have him to thank (partly) for his role in revealing the truth about Seungri. Back in 2015-2016 when Seungri created the group chat and instructed his friends to exit it routinely, erasing its criminal content as long as everyone did as told, JJY was the one person who didn't listen. Only because JJY did not follow the orders he was given the chats were retained, quietly and carefully investigated, and years later released in a firestorm, leading to every incriminating thing we know now.

Last tidbit: the court also asked, “How is it possible that everyone (in the chat) knew prostitution was being arranged but Seungri alone did not?” Sounds to me like they’re not buying his dumb excuses lol

That’s all :)

#oops it had been awhile and I had some thoughts #I was working on a new run for the chickens yesterday... shoveling sand for hours (over 5000 lbs!)#and something about that kind of tedious repetitive manual labor gets the brain juices flowing... was just mulling over some things I'd read #also I guess this is what happens when I'm not killing time on twitter... still in twitter jail btw #seungri #burning sun #bigbang #ask #anon

22 notes · View notes

cafedanslanuit · 4 years ago

Text

Third time’s the charm || Hawks x Reader

summary; “His amber eyes stayed open the whole time, a tint of sadness in them I was too afraid to ask about. I wish I hadn’t been such a coward. I wish I had squeezed his hand right back.“

notes; manga spoilers up to 271. i decided to switch it up a little and write a reader story in first person. hope you like that <3

I should have known something was going on. Keigo wasn’t the type that would blurt out his feelings; he had years of training to feign who he was to other people. Why had he suddenly been so adamant in letting me know what he thought of me? He was the most respected, likable, and loved hero, even if he wasn’t the number one. He had no obligation in showing his true self and that was something I had accepted a long time ago. So, when in less than twelve hours he told me he loved me no less than two times, I should have been alerted. The mere fact he was talking about feelings should have been my first sign. Fuck, it should have been my only sign.

He had texted me saying he would be coming over in an hour or so. I tried to make myself look more alluring as I waited for him. Even if we had agreed we weren’t a couple but just a couple of friends who cared for each other, there was no harm in fixing my hair and putting on some lipstick if I could see him smile when I opened the door.

But he didn’t smile. Keigo had a stern look when he walked inside my apartment. I offered him some macaroni leftovers and he started pacing around the living room, taking his time every time he found one of my framed pictures. They had been there for years now, so his interest seemed a little sudden to me. The sound of the microwave going off startled him, but he still turned around and met me in the kitchen, where I was pouring a glass of wine for him.

“Are you okay?” I asked. Keigo nodded and began eating the macaroni. I poured myself a glass of wine as well and sat opposite him on the kitchen table. Every question I dared to ask was professionally dodged, making me wonder why he had even bothered to come by. I knew he couldn’t tell me any details about the hero missions he was involved in, but he knew I liked to listen to him when he told me about anecdotes that had happened during patrols.

“How’s the hospital?” he asked, his eyes never leaving the food. I told him about a couple of patients I had seen that morning and, even if he nodded along with my words, I could tell he wasn’t really listening. I let out a long sigh and put my hand on top of his left hand. He finally looked up, making me notice the bags under his eyes looked darker than usual.

“Keigo, what’s wrong?”

The man paused for a moment, his lips parting for a second before they closed again. He left the fork on the plate and delicately patted his mouth with the napkin I had left on the table. Keigo pulled away with his chair and patted his thighs. Accepting his invitation, I walked to him and sat on his lap, my arms circling around his neck. He kissed my shoulder as he hugged my waist, holding me even closer to him. I figured he couldn’t really share details about what had happened that day. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving him space and respecting his work as a hero. I should have insisted. I should have asked him again. I shouldn’t have ended the conversation there.

We made love that night. And it wasn’t a euphemism. We had been fucking around for more than a year, but that night felt different. There were not dominant positions, no hair pulling, no marks on his skin or mine, like there usually were. He lay between my thighs, his right hand making sure my left leg was hooked around his waist. For the first time, he kept his eyes locked in mine. Not used to that, I tried pulling him in for a kiss, but he caught my hand and set it on the bed near my head, his hand resting on top of it. As his thrusts became faster, I felt how he intertwined his fingers with mine. His amber eyes stayed open the whole time, a tint of sadness in them I was too afraid to ask about. I wish I hadn’t been such a coward. I wish I had squeezed his hand right back.

That night was also the first time we came together. Neither of us was planning on it, but when I was coming down from my high, I felt him twitching inside of me, making me realize he had just come as well. Keigo buried his face on the crook of my neck and whimpered, his lips grazing my skin.

“I love you” he panted, his voice broken. I stayed in silence, waiting for a punchline that never came. I furrowed his eyebrows, asking myself if I had heard correctly. Was his confession a product of the heat of the moment? Was he already regretting saying that out loud? Most importantly, did I love him back? I hadn’t dared to ask myself that question out of fear of it being true. If I was in love with Takami Keigo, the man with whom I agreed to a friendship with benefits, I would probably lose him for good. He had been very clear about how dangerous his work was and how he couldn’t have any relationships that could endanger the other person and also be used against him.

All the feelings I had stored in the highest and most unreachable part of my mind had fallen down and I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t even know if I should do something with them. I had always known our relationship was more than just sex. There were times when he would come over and we would just order food, watch a movie and fall asleep on top of each other. We deeply cared for one another, or at least I felt we did. I had calmed him down from nightmares he wouldn’t talk about, but just silently cry on my chest and he would listen whenever stress from the hospital and exhaustion took their toll and broke me into a mess of tears. Even then, I had never dared to revisit the feelings I had pushed away the day he proposed we took our friendship to the next level. But now, they were all falling down on me and they had apparently grown stronger as I had ignored them over the last year.

I must have tensed up without realizing because Keigo squeezed my hand gently and chuckled against my skin.

“We’ll talk in the morning,” he said and I nodded underneath him. We fell asleep shortly after that, with him still buried inside me, his wings covering both our bodies from the cold.

The next morning, I was turning the coffee maker off when Keigo emerged from the bedroom, already dressed up. I greeted him with a smile and he shot a playful remark back, even if his aura still felt a little off. His messy hair made me remember how young he really was, in spite of all the weight he constantly had on his shoulders. He sat on the kitchen table and ruffled his hair, letting out a yawn. I poured myself a cup of coffee and then leaned on the counter, looking at him.

“So, about last night…” I started, nervously looking at the cup between my hands. Keigo laughed, the tone of his voice feeling much more homely than ever.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked, a mischievous smile on his lips. I shook my head.

“No, no, that’s not it. I just… I’m sorry about what happened. I was surprised and didn’t know what to say. But… I wish we could talk about that now”.

“I’d like that, dove,” he said, crooking his head to the side. “But I gotta leave in ten”.

“You’re not staying for breakfast?”

“Can’t do. Duty calls” Keigo shrugged, stretching his arms upwards and successfully cracking his joints.

“So… tonight, maybe?” I insisted. He looked at me, that sad smile once again on his face.

Keigo stood up and walked towards me. He grabbed the cup I was holding and left it aside. His expression had gone back to the one he had the night before, a million words trapped inside his mind with no way out.

“Okay” he breathed out. “I’ll see you tonight”. Keigo bit his bottom lip and held my head between his hands, his thumbs resting on my cheeks. He took a deep breath and pressed his forehead against mine, his eyes tightly shut.

“Keigo, what…?”

“I love you”

This time, I was way more confident about my answer. I couldn’t even repress the smile that crept on my lips. Somehow, his words had caused an even stronger reaction in me than the last time. I let out a breathy laugh, my arms finding their way around his torso. I opened my mouth, but before I could say anything, he put two fingers over it, silencing me.

“Tonight,” Keigo said, his eyes looking straight into mine. “I’ll bring dinner and we’ll talk, okay?”

I let out a heavy sigh and reluctantly nodded. “Fine,” I said, taking his hand off my mouth. Keigo flashed one of his playful smiles.

“They say third time’s the charm, dove,” he cheekily grinned, winking at me. I rolled my eyes and let him go.

As I think of him now, I can still see Keigo closing the door behind him. I should have noticed he was wearing one of his TV smiles. I should have stopped him, kissed him, hit him, I don’t know. I shouldn’t have let him go without saying I loved him back.

That night never came. That night was filled with doctors barking orders, nurses running around, everybody trying to save as many heroes as they could. The war had been the greatest tragedy the hospital I worked for had ever seen. Every gurney in the hospital was being used by injured heroes and civilians, the smell of death present each time I turned the corner.

When the hospital called me, I was already on my way. I had just put the chicken in the oven when I grabbed my phone and decided to go through my feed. I didn’t need to scroll far to see news reports about the war that was happening between villains and a great number of heroes. They said they were The Liberation Army, but I hadn’t heard about them before. I quickly turned the TV on, just in time to see Endeavor lying on the ground as a villain raised his fist on top of him. There was no news on Hero Number Two Hawks. I saw heroes that looked old enough to still be in school fighting and I couldn’t help but think of Keigo and his lost childhood due to his hero training. I quickly turned the oven off and grabbed my keys before running to the hospital.

No news is good news, I repeated to myself silently as I stabilized a hero’s broken leg. No news is good news.

No one knew Keigo was more than a friend to me. Hell, no one even knew we were friends at all, which meant no one was going to let me know if the had found him and how badly hurt he was. When I finished my shift, it took a long time before I could find him. I had to ask around without raising suspicion, just in case I ended up endangering him even more. After a couple of hours, a nurse confessed he had seen Hawks being taken to an OR but hadn’t seen him after that. After a quick review of the OR chart, I managed to find his hospital room, far from the other patients that were also recovering from the war.

Keigo’s room was guarded by two tall men I figured were sent by the Hero Public Safety Commission. I lied about being sent to take his vitals and after showing them my hospital ID, they let me inside. The soft beep of the machines hooked to his body was the only noise in the room. His eyes were closed and half his face was covered with gauze. I grazed his fingertips with my own, the only part of his arms that wasn’t covered by bandages. His wings were gone, but a part of my brain kept screaming I needed to lay him on his side because he always hated how uncomfortable it felt when he lay on his back. I bit my lip trying to calm myself down and took a look at his chart that was resting on his nightstand. Keigo was in a medically induced coma. He was stable, but the nerve damage he had received on his wings was disheartening. Also, the massive burns all over his body made his healing process even more difficult. I reviewed the work done by the other doctors; even if I knew due to his status his case must be directly supervised by the head of Trauma, the best one in Japan. Just like I thought, they had already done everything they could to save his life. Now all that was left to do was wait.

“Keigo” I whispered, as I pretended to take notes from the screen of the machine in case the guards were looking through the small window on the door. If there was a small chance he could listen to me, I was going to take it. I didn’t know when I would get to see him again. I quickly wiped the tear that fell down my cheek and took a deep breath. “You said third time’s the charm... I’ll be here, then”.

#hawks x reader #takami keigo #keigo takami #bnha x reader #keigo takami x reader #takami keigo x reader #hawks x you #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mha headcanons #bnha hawks #bnha imagines #bnha hawks x reader

236 notes · View notes

lifesabe-ch · 5 years ago

Text

josslyn - jj m. (pt. 2)

summary: based off the song josslyn by Olivia O’Brien. You and JJ have a friends with benefits relationship, but when he slips up, you realize you’ve changed your mind

pairings: jj maybank x reader

warnings: mentions of cheating

a/n: pt. 2!! here it is guys!! the beginning is inspired by a cheating quote I found on here but I can't find it so if you know what I'm talking about, pls lmk so I can give credit

PART 1

You didn’t know what time it was. You had woken up what felt like hours ago, but you hadn’t moved. You watched the sunlight dance against your curtains, peaking through only where your blinds permitted it to and hitting the wall. You traced the makeup lines that were smudged onto your pillow, no doubt the rest occupying your face in a similar way.

You felt weak. Your mind hurt, so your body mirrored the feeling. It was like there was a hole in your chest, a vacancy where your heart used to be. You had given him everything... and he broke you. You were feeling it.

You only got up when you had to pee. Your steps were slow and measured, not exerting more energy than needed to. You found your mind wandering to the contents of your bathroom. One of his hats was still here, left haphazardly on your bathroom counter. You picked it up after you had finished, turning it gingerly over in your hands. Bringing your eyes up to meet your own in the mirror's reflection, you winced. You looked disgusting. The makeup you had spent so long applying perfectly yesterday was now everywhere. Your hair looked greasy. And your face... god. You could understand why he did it. Why he cheated on you. Throwing a towel at your reflection, you trudged back to bed, his hat still in hand. You didn’t want to sleep, but you didn’t want to go on with your life. Not today. The warmth of your covers was just so inviting, so sheltering from the truth. You didn’t even bother turning on the lights.

You only got up again around 4pm. You hadn’t eaten, you realized. You made it all the way to the kitchen, even opened the fridge, before you stopped. You were thinking of him again.

He had bought you those blueberries a few days ago. You only stare at the container, pondering over the deeper meaning you convinced yourself it had. Maybe he was warning you. Maybe the black and blues stood for bruises. Maybe he was trying to tell you that you’d be hurt by him. Not physically... but mentally. You change your mind, closing the fridge and heading back to your bed. You weren’t hungry anyway, you decided.

As you plop yourself down against the mattress, you grab your phone from the night stand. You ignore the missed calls and texts, scrolling past your notifications to instead open up your social media. Your fingers ghost the screen as you hover over his profile, staring at the photos he had shared. They’re soon finding their way through his comments and likes and you realize that you can’t help it. You felt like an idiot for not doing this before. For not realizing that you weren’t his only girl, that you never had been.

You push yourself up once again, this time with a goal in mind. You bustle around the room, laundry basket in hand as you throw various items of his that he’d left at your place into it. You don’t want them, you tell yourself. You’ll give them to his friends, or donate them if you have too. But they couldn’t stay here. After you had finished, you sat on the edge of your bed, looking around. You grabbed your phone and pulled up his page again, but this time, to block him. You made sure all of his accounts were unreachable, and that any pictures you may have had posted with him were archived.

You were done. As you tucked yourself in that night, you ignored the way the sinking feeling still hadn’t gone anyway. Maybe it was something else, your brain offered. But you knew. You knew better.

You hadn’t slept for long when your restlessness had woken you up again. Your sheets were kicked to the floor, but your legs were cold. Your whole body felt cold. You missed him.

You can’t help but pull the pillow he’d used one too many times to your chest, inhaling lightly. It didn’t smell like him, you’d washed your sheets, but you pretended it did. You pulled your phone out too then, unblocking his profiles and re-scrolling like before.

This cycle lasted for days. Each time you thought you were moving past it, each time you felt yourself forgetting, you missed him again. You blamed yourself. You even texted him a few apologies. He never responded. And soon, neither did you.

The roles reversed. As you started to get better, JJ started to get worse. He couldn’t sleep, wondering if you still missed him like he missed you. He wasn’t even that hungry anymore, avoiding most of the things you had stocked his kitchen with. He had even cancelled plans with his friends.

He was desperate.

While you gathered his things to give back, he gathered yours to reminisce.

He missed you. The way you’d come over when he had a nightmare about his dad and hold him until he fell asleep. The way your smile always made his heart flutter. The ways his arms fit perfectly around you, almost as if you were made for him.

He wanted you back. He needed you back. Each moment he spent alone reminded him of that. He didn’t want Josslyn. He didn’t want any of the other girls. All he wanted was you.

And he was a wreck.

THE two of you hadn’t seen each other in months, the last time having been that day. You had a rough go of it, but you were better.

You had built yourself back up, retaught yourself your worth, and reminded yourself that you didn’t need anyone else to be happy. And you didn’t.

You had spent your time apart from JJ having one of the best summers of your life. You were with your friends. The friends you’d nearly forgotten about, always too worried with keeping the blonde haired boy happy. You’d even gotten yourself another job, keeping a steady income while still managing to do what you loved. You weren’t completely healed, but you were getting there. Seeing JJ only confirmed that.

He had noticed your first, his eyes piercing as he watched you and your friends laugh from across the restaurant. You were glowing. You were happy.

JJ was moping, taking up the offer on a double date with John B. that the boy insisted would lift his spirits. Truth be told, he hadn’t looked over at his date more than a handful of times, even less after he’d taken note of you.

It took longer for your eyes to drift over to his. A friend had pointed out your stalker to you, the group sharing a laugh, only your sharp intake of breath cutting the joke short. You knew he came here. You knew you had a chance of seeing him... you just didn’t expect it. You had stopped showing up places in hopes of bumping into him. This was purely coincidental. But you didn’t mind. As you saw him, you realized that you were okay. You even managed to flash him a polite smile before turning back towards your group.

You had felt like your world had crumbled around you. Like things would never get better. But they had. You hadn’t forgotten him, and your feelings hadn’t disappeared, but you acknowledged that it wasn’t meant to be. You were at peace with it.

From across the small diner, JJ’s mind was pulling him in the opposite direction. He had caught your smile, but he hadn’t taken it as a sign of forgiveness, but rather an invitation for a second chance.

You missed him too, he decided. He even told John B. so before getting up and making his way over to your table.

“Hi.”

It was silent. It wasn’t, not completely, but it may of well have been. Your friends hadn’t stopped their conversations, instead just continuing in much more exaggerated tones. They were listening to each other, but more so to you.

It was a simple greeting for a complicated conversation, but you figured it was as good a place as any to start.

“Hey.”

“Can we talk?”

Awkwardly glancing between JJ and your friends, you mutely nodded. You didn’t want to talk, but you wanted to hear him out. Not that you owed it to him, but rather to yourself. You needed to hear whatever he had to say to you.

He had led you outside and down to the pier near the back of the restaurant. There weren't many people around, save for the few employees coming in and out every so often.

As you leaned against the rail, you crossed your arms over your chest protectively. You allowed yourself to take him in. He looked like the same boy from before, but tired. The bags under his eyes weren’t subtle and his hair was a mess. You wanted to reach out and fix it, ask him what nightmares were keeping him awake now, but you couldn’t. It wasn’t your place anymore.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“I miss you,” he blurts, clearly not interested in any type of chitchat. “I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I miss you, Y/N. Fuck, I miss you so much.”

You were silent as you watched him pull his fingers through his own hair, pacing slightly before you.

“I can’t stop thinking about you. I go to sleep, and you’re there. I wake up, and you’re there. I’m surfing, and you’re there. Except, you’re not. You’re never really there, Y/N, and I really want you to be.”

He stared down at his feet for a few seconds, glancing up only after you hadn’t responded, “Say something. Please. I... I can’t imagine being with anyone other than you.”

“But you were,” You words were quiet, surprising even yourself. “You were with someone other than me. That’s why we’re where we are now.”

“But that didn’t mean anything, Y/N. I know now, you’re the one that matters. I love you. I want to be you, only you.”

His words hit you with their full meaning almost instantly. If he had caught you a month or two ago, you’d have jumped into his arms. You would’ve been his and his alone and that would’ve been that. He had never said I love you to you, not in the way he had just used it. It had been strictly platonic, even as the two of you were hooking up, he made sure of it. You should’ve been happy. But you weren’t.

“It’s too late, JJ.”

Ignoring the way he looked at you, you continued, shrugging your shoulders in defense, “It’s too late for that.”

He didn’t seem to know what to say. You didn’t think there was anything left to say. You started your ascent back towards the ramp when you felt his hands on your wrist, spinning you to face him.

“That night,” he practically whispered, his eyes soft as they met yours, “The one where we were on my couch. We had just spent all day together, just the two of us, for the first time. We were high, remember? You told me you loved me... you... you told me you loved me and that you meant it. Do you still love me?”

You didn’t answer. You felt like you couldn’t. You were left just watching him, gears turning in your head as you tried to figure out a response.

Noting your struggle, he continued, “I didn’t say it back because I didn’t know how I felt. But I do now. I love you. If... if you still love me, we can make this work.”

Your heart ached. You had missed JJ. He was your best friend. Your world. But he shattered you in a second, without so much as another thought.

“Of course I still love you.”

Ignoring his hopeful smile, you pulled your hand from his grip, stepping back, “But there’s a difference between you and me. I knew I loved you that day. All it took was a day together for me to realize how I felt. You... you had to sleep with someone else, JJ. You told me that you didn’t even think about me when you were with her.”

You could see the guilt on his features, but you couldn’t stop.

“You let me walk out that door. And you didn’t care. I called you. I texted you. I can’t even remember how many times I told you I was sorry. Do you know how many times you said it?”

He shook his head silently, watching as you sadly smiled.

“Not once. You never apologized for hurting me, but I apologized countless times for being upset about it. That’s not love, JJ. Someone who loves someone else wouldn’t hurt them like that.”

As you turned to walk back towards the door, you heard him shuffle up the ramp beside you.

“I’m sorry.”

Glancing over at him as you let the door finish closing the space between the two of you, you muttered two words that broke him. He hadn’t even needed to hear you say them to know what words your lips were forming. He didn’t want this to end. He didn’t want things to be over, for good. But for you, they already were.

“Too late.”

tag list :

@heda-mikaelson , @fangirlwithme

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank x y/n #jj maybank outerbanks #jj outer banks #jj maybank imagine #jj maybank outer banks #jj maybank x reader imagine #jj maybank x you #jj maybank outer banks #outer banks #outer banks imagine

279 notes · View notes

watchinglikeafangirl · 4 years ago

Text

We best love: Fighting Mr.2nd episode 2 - analysis

I think we all agree that this episode was very intense and different from the rest. They both showed vulnerability, desperation and the pain of a deep heartbreak that let them both suffer for all these five years. Nothing in this episode was potrayed as something happy or positive. Every scene consisted of hidden pain and despair and these two emotions define the second season of We best love. It's not as lighthearted any more, rather about two people filled with loneliness and self-hatred. This turn of events makes it so special and unique because both Shu Yi and Shi De are at their lowest point and the worst versions of themselves.

Anyway, after the intro, the episode started right where the last one ended. The tension was rising until Shu Yi stormed out of the office and I have to say, I was a bit relieved they didn't have office sex because that would've been very out of character since they both protect what they love most and keep such intimacy private. Also, for them, I guess, sex is something they do out of love not hate, tension or for the sake of old times. Even though they didn't "do it", we see a lot of desperation on both sides. Shu Yi is desperate to know why Shi De ghosted him and suddenly seeks his attention again. He tests Shi De, wants to know if there's still some love left in him and himself. Shu Yi is not over Shi De and I guess what he felt there in the office frightens him and that's why he stormed out. Shi De is desperate to make Shu Yi forgive him and to let him know he still has the same feelings. For as Shi De knows he still loves Shu Yi but Shu Yi is not quite sure about his emotions or if Shi De is really honest and uses this confusion to back up his anger. This whole plan of betraying Shi De as coldly as Shi De betrayed him is clearly showing that Shu Yi is not okay, even though he said so last episode.

After this, we get a scene in a car when Zhe Yu warns Shu Yi. The main conflict of this season is brewing. Shu Yi will have to question if he just wants to get back at Shi De and is able to fully concentrate on this plan or if he develops feelings again but also if Shi De is trustworthy. It's again about the question if Shu Yi will fall for Shi De while Shi De is following him everywhere. As I mentioned last week, the plot of this season is basically the same but the setting and feelings are very different, so it doesn't feel like a story repeating itself.

What stroke my sight this episode because of the used filter is the color of their suits. Shi De is wearing something blue - just like in the first season - but now his clothes, and especially that suit, are in a deep blue that is not like the oceans. It is navy blue. I only know what the color blue in general means, I don't know if there's another meaning for navy blue but what I do know is that blue often represents distance and especially sadness. It can be used as a calming color, when used as light blue like Shi De wore in the first season, but now his character is just very devastated and he's not himself any more. He hasn't found his way back and is still regretting. The distance and the sadness, all expressed with the color of his suit. And Shu Yi is wearing black. Black symbolizes grief or the protection of one's emotions which is exactely what Shu Yi does. He's saying, he's over it but that's obviously not true and he's hiding his true feelings behind a mask even Bing Wei and Zhe Yu haven't fully lifted. He's hiding his true feelings behind hate and tells himself that revenge is his only motivation. In the first season, he also wore a lot of black clothes but they were mostly compined with blue or white, showing that he was slowly opening up to Shi De and now we're basically at the same spot as we were at the beginning of season one. Shu Yi is the only one who knows him and Shi De needs to find a way to make him open up again.

Moving on to the incredible cinematography this season and especially this episode. Zhe Yu and Shu Yi are talking outside on the roof and it's pretty clear that they will have a serious conversation when Zhe Yu tries to talk him out of acting like he's fine, like he and Shi De are on good terms. We know, these two will have a difficult talk, they even went outside for it. And this scene is very important because we start to understand how deep Shi De hurt Shu Yi and how much that heartbreak defines him. Shi De wasn't nice to Shu Yi because of his social status or his dad, he simply liked him for being Shu Yi (an allusion to the sentence "Because it's you"). There are three camera angles used before they start talking. First, the rooftop from far above, showing the whole scenery and the view which is mentioned by Shu Yi later. Second, Zhe Yu's face is shown and the camera blends over to Shu Yi's side profile, showing that Zhe Yu has something to say to him and that he doesn't understand Shu Yi (talking to his back). Third, a close-up of Shu Yi's face but he's still unreachable for Zhe Yu. As soon as Shu Yi turns around, he tells us his true feelings and intention and we understand much better why he's behaving like he does. The audience knows now and Zhe Yu too. Zhe Yu is basically used as a channel to the audience.

The following scene takes place in Shi De's office and again, three different camera angles are being used. This scene is very uncomfortable because Shi De - and the audience - knows now that Shu Yi only pretends and Shi De hates it when Shu Yi pretends (an allusion to the sentence "You don't have to act strong when you are sad"). It underlines once more that Shi De is the protagonist and that things are told from his perspective. Shu Yi doesn't seem to be as much in the wrong as he truly is (thinking that Shi De cheated) because Shi De only blames himself. But now Shu Yi plays a game and it's very clear that he only pretends to be cute when he walks in the office. There is a tension because they both are untrue and know it. First, they are both filmed from across the table and Shu Yi even from a position further away showing that Shi De is unable to catch a hold of him. Second, each of their faces are seen in a close-up and Shi De's typing fingers are in focus. The tension rises with Shu Yi eating and Shi De typing loudly and aggressively. Third, only their eyes are filmed and eyes are "the gate to the soul". Shi De tries to figure Shu Yi out, tries to find the truth but doesn't say anything or ask. This scene is all about the distance between them. Physically but also emotionally. They are both different people now and the aspect that they even do two different things that don't have any similarity (eating and typing), shows this distance. They are not doing things together any more. They are not a unity like they used to be.

And the sofa scene is just the outcome and explosion of all this pain. They both share the same pain even though Shu Yi would never admit that. It's filled with painful memories even though there are no flashbacks, the kisses still feel the same, the smell is the same and the touches are the same. It's the reminder of a bittersweet heartbreak and they both surrender. Shi De surrenders his pride and Shu Yi too because in this moment they are so vulnerable and feel like it could take away the pain, at least for a second. Of course, this scene is problematic and toxic. Because of all the negative emotions they both carried around for all these five years that are now bursting out of them.

Shi De has a total break-down and is at his lowest point. He is forcing Shu Yi physically, which he normally would never do. He is filled with self-hatred because he stayed back like he was told to and didn't fight for his love. He's ashamed of his behavior, now shown by him covering Shu Yi's mouth when he's asking what's going on. He's too drunk and too blinded in this moment and only wants to show his regret and frustration which leads Shu Yi to be very concerned. Shi De is so desperate that he even believes in the motto "the line between love and hate is very thin" and is too scared to just let it go. He didn't move on at all. He didn't let Shu Yi go because that would mean a loss of identity. Shu Yi is his world, he's his motivation and keeps him on track. Losing Shu Yi and letting go of him would turn him into someone he doesn't know but staying like this was also a loss of identity because this regretment made him lose his mind and hold on to something that doesn't belong to him anymore.

Shu Yi is full of hate and became an even more closeted person. The heartbreak was too much for him to deal with and he just told himself that he let go in order to feel better but as soon as he saw Shi De again, he felt that he didn't move on at all. After five years, the heartbreak cuts as deep as before. The wound is still open and even though he's surpressing it, he's just as desperate to go back to how things were as Shi De. The scene on the sofa reminds him of that. He fights it for some time but surrenders and stops thinking. Something clicked in him, made him act on his emotions. Because thinking would only make him even more confused about what he feels and surpressed for too long. For him, letting go of Shi De would also mean a loss of identity. Like Yu Xin said "he's always been there". Shi De was his motivation. Shi De saved him and was real with him. Shi De was the first one he trusted entirely and fell in love with.

They both define each other and it's hard to let go of something like that and still feel like you are yourself. What's different between them, is that Shu Yi doesn't feel as much self-hatred and is not ashamed of himself like Shi De. He just feels very lonely because there's nobody left that truly knows him.

What is interesting about their dynamic now is that the roles they play are turned around. Yet, Shi De is the one being straight foreward and Shu Yi is the one pulling back. They are both very different now but still the very same. Shu Yi still finds it hard to trust people and Shi De is still following him. On the sofa was as much vulnerability shown as on the bridge last season and if you compare those scenes you see that now Shu Yi is pulling away whilst Shi De is all out in the open. This change in character makes the hurt even more painful and the hearbreak even more real. But even though they act different now, they haven't changed a bit. All these turn of events and personal changes make sense for the characters and add even more layers to them. We best love always contained of complexe characters and the change of scenery and context adds more depth to them.

There are many parallels to the first season. The arc of the story will be, again, their love but with different context. On the way, no one is right or wrong. Shi De's behavior is the sofa scene is toxic but Shu Yi isn't in any way better. This becomes very clear when Shu Yi asks "Are you messing with me" and Shi De says "You are messing with me" which is a very obvious hint to the fact that they both lie and play a game. Shi De always played a game, leading Shu Yi to fall for him and Shu Yi was always playing a game to fight and hopefully win against Shi De. They are both too smart to not figure out what the other one is up to and they know each other too well to just keep being like this with all these unaddressed feelings.

I'm very excited for the next episode in a week. It seems like all the theories about Shu Yi's dad were true...

#we best love #we best love: fighting mr. 2nd #shu yi #shi de #shi de x shu yi #the heartbreak was too much #how can they live like this #five years can do so much

16 notes · View notes

dragonflymage · 4 years ago

Link

(This has taken me forever to write. Be prepared for a long answer! *kicks it out of the draft box*)

I don’t think I’ll choose a Type for this answer because I chose Types in similar questions. This time I’ll go with the word “ideal” and play with that for a while.

This answer will be about the steps to finding an ideal match. INFP style.

Everyone knows that INFPs are the dreamers. They dream their way through being a child, through the teen years, and yes right through adulthood. It’s unavoidable. If a potential situation creeps up on an INFP, it won’t be long before they have come up with all the imaginative ways to live it and make it their own. Within their minds.

I am going to reveal some things about myself as an INFP that aren’t easy to reveal. Tapping into this realm of idealism that INFPs seem to be known for.

What exactly does it mean when someone says that INFPs are idealistic? It’s more than just seeing the good in others and hoping for a bright future. There’s a side of darkness within it as well because this doesn’t always mean ‘realistic’. It can mean searching for qualities that only exist in our thoughts.

My topic within these imaginative daydreams will focus on “The Ideal Match”.

I have to say that the first sensation that comes to me while thinking of this topic is… wistfulness.

In my expansive INFP imagination, my ideal match is someone who wants to know me.

That’s it.

Okay, that’s not all, but that’s where it begins. With someone who has SEEN me. And not just seen me, but moved closer instead of shaking their head and walking away. Of course, that doesn’t make an automatic match, but it has to begin somewhere.

Can you imagine the elation of being truly seen? That tiny ray of INFP light shown outward has caught someone’s attention. What should be done now? It isn’t love yet. Right? This elation isn’t love. But what if it is? No, it’s much too soon. Maybe if the door is opened a little bit more. … What are they doing now? Running? Moving even closer? OMG. What should I do next?!

Breathe. This doesn’t mean they are devoting all of their eternity. It just means they are curious. Stay calm.

Does that sound like panic? It might be. There’s always the fear of doing too much too soon, yet wanting to reach out and touch. The unseen internal tug of war.

So, this is where the INFP stands now — Revealed some of their deep self and was noticed for it. Then the person stuck around wanting to know more.

This is a great beginning. But what’s next? It would probably be easier to know what to do if this took place in-person. Body language and tone of voice is clearer to decipher. Most likely this all happened online, where emotions and reactions can be filtered through the process I refer to as: “I’m doing my freakin’ best to explain myself with only text!” *flails*

I would say that being seen and someone wanting to get to know you are where new friendships and possible future-relationships reside.

Being seen is nice, but being understood is even better!

It looks like a connection is forming. This is where our INFP will decide what sort of sharing is appropriate.

There are all sorts of sharing:

💙 Surface sharing - which involves interests and everyday activities. Also known as “small talk”. Topics such as pets, job or school, hobbies, books, etc. This isn’t always an INFP favorite, but conversations have to begin somewhere. During the small-talk phase, an INFP will determine whether there is potential for a connection. And, yes, an INFP is more than capable of this discovery just from small talk. This could last for a brief time period or for many days, depending on the person’s comfort level. 💙 Test sharing - which involves emotions attached to topics. Such as the meanings behind this or that event in life. It could be another subtle test to see if the other person is still interested in talking. Or it could be a bit of desperation to have someone to finally discuss the deeper aspects of the world. Some of these emotion-laden topics might not be used by most people until later in a potential friendship-relationship, but INFPs may reach this level of conversation fairly quickly. This type of conversation could continue throughout the friendship-relationship, obviously while no longer in a ‘testing’ fashion. 💙 Personal sharing - which involves longer and more frequent conversations. It’s a bit like sharing your life in ‘real-time’. At this point, the INFP has decided this is someone who is interested because they haven’t run away, and maybe it’s okay to invest more of ourselves with them. These sorts of talks are like inviting them to our home and giving them a glimpse of what life is like for us. These discussions are saved for close friends and potential love interests. 💙 Deep sharing - which involves all those things an INFP shares with no one. And by ‘no one’ I mean ‘a rare and special someone’. I think many INFPs have an inner vault where they keep all the topics that have been too much for other people to handle - such as traumatic memories. Some INFPs, after being rejected in the past, may choose to never touch this level with anyone again. Other INFPs may decide that if this special person can understand what’s in the vault, then they are absolutely ‘the one’. Whether as a love interest or a very close friend.

🍵 There could also be a level 5 which may involve fantasies or the darkest of secrets they may never tell anyone, but some INFPs might lump those in with #4. It depends on the individual. 🍵

The difficulty with those Sharing Levels is finding an order that works and sticking to it. It wouldn’t work well to start with #1 Small Talk and then skip right to #4 Deep Sharing. (I mean, unless you’re talking with a therapist, then go ahead.)

Now that I got the informative portion out of the way, it’s time for some INFP idealism!!

INFPs are amazing humans. We care with our every breath and we want the best for those around us. We can also become stuck within our idealistic thoughts. No, that isn’t a secret.

We are called The Dreamers for a reason.

INFPs have a difficult time with this strange thing called Reality. We are flooded with violence from the media, and sometimes it exists in our personal lives. Reminding us of all the hurting souls we can’t help. We have potent plans of how we will change the world. Then Reality sneaks up from behind and whispers “you do realize no matter how hard you try, you can’t save them all…” Thanks, Reality.

It’s these realizations that can infiltrate all aspects of life - how we envision our future, how we envision our environment, and how we envision our Ideal Match or our Ideal Partner (in a potentially romantic sense).

I first started imagining a ‘love interest’ at around age 12. It wasn’t marriage or white gowns that I imagined. It was someone who cared by listening to me.

One of the first crushes in a love-interest way I had on a person (other than classmates I mentioned in a different answer) was Hawkeye from the MASH re-runs. ( I don’t know what it is about me and ENFPs, but anyway… I spent long hours daydreaming about somehow being illogically inserted into that environment just so I could sit and have long conversations with Hawkeye. 😅 I thought he was the perfect match for me. Of course, he had other issues going on, but I was willing to overlook them all! This daydream went on for a few years until I moved along to other potential unreachable love interests.

The important factor about the idealism and daydreaming is that I was internally forming a list of what I hoped to find in a future partner.

Attention and caring were important. Kindness to others. Devotion to helping people. Silly humor. Depth of character. Capable of understanding pain. Willing to imagine what could be.

Sadly, if an INFP isn’t paying attention, they can idealize themselves through life…even through the most painful events and can become addicted to this coping mechanism.

Like I did.

The downside was that since I never truly encountered a great deal of decent treatment personally, I didn’t know how to recognize it in others. It was unfamiliar territory (for many depressing reasons). So in my early 20s, what I did was latch onto a person who I thought had the potential and idealized everything else about him. He gave me attention, sure, but I think I consciously idealized everything else about him. Even when there were many clues that he wasn’t a good match for me.

I rejected every natural instinct I had and encompassed myself in flowery daydreams in order to survive the life I’d suddenly found myself in.

That is probably an extreme example of what idealism can do to a person. But I think that INFPs have the very real probability of slipping into this unhealthy internal mindset.

If we aren’t careful, idealism can turn into an INFP mind-trap.

I don’t want to turn this into a negative answer. Idealism has wonderful benefits if used in healthy creative ways. To imagine what could be. But there also needs to be a balance with Realistic thoughts.

Always stop and ask yourself “Is this truly a possibility? Is this actually what is taking place? Am I somehow coloring the truth from myself?”

Only then will an INFP truly find, not just an Ideal Match, but a True Match.

Without any of the rose-colored glasses interfering with what is Real.

#mbti #infp #infp thoughts #relationships #mbti thoughts #introvert #myers-briggs #hsp #emotions #emotional #sensitivity

19 notes · View notes

padme-amitabha · 4 years ago

Note

Are you still taking prompts? If yes, can you write a Hogwarts AU for Anidala?

Sure! I never stopped taking prompts btw. I’m still willing to write them, especially if it’s with Anidala.

Getting Padmé alone was proving to be a Herculean task. She was always surrounded by her Gryffindor girl squad. Anakin wasn’t ashamed to admit he was a little intimidated by them, particularly by her best friend Sabé (who always looked like she wanted to hex him into oblivion). Padmé herself was one of the sweetest and most amiable people to be around and despite his nervousness, Anakin wasn’t very worried.

As Head Girl and captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, she was very popular but so was Anakin, in a sense (among the Slytherins). There were rumors about him being the child of the prophecy and Anakin made sure to work extra hard in his classes. He wanted to make his mother proud – his mother who had raised him all by herself. As a second year, he was one of the youngest Seekers in the history of Hogwarts and by fifth year, he was already one of the most skilled duelists in Hogwarts.

In his first game (a heated Gryffindor vs Slytherin match), he had been hit by a particularly nasty Bludger, much to the amusement of the Gryffindor team. He had been so embarrassed by their jeers and teasing, he didn’t mind spending the next few days in the Hospital Wing.

That was when he first met her.

He hadn’t particularly registered Madame Pomfrey informing him that he had a visitor, and when he had opened his eyes, he saw the most beautiful face he had ever seen.

“Are you an angel?” he had whispered.

His angel laughed in response. It was a sweet and pleasant laugh that instantly made him feel better.

“I wish!” she said amusedly. “I’m Padmé Naberrie. Chaser in the Gryffindor team.”

He hadn’t exactly noticed that she was in the opposing team, which meant she had seen his humiliating failure.

“O-Oh. I’m Anakin-”

“-Skywalker. I know. Everyone knows you.”

His cheeks grew as red as the Weasleys’ hair.

“You mean after today.”

“No, I’ve heard about you before. You play really well, Ani. May I call you Ani?”

He nodded. A thought crossed his mind.

“Uh Padmé, why are you here? Not that I mind – thank you for coming.”

“I wanted to apologize on behalf of my teammates. They were really mean to you. I tried to tell them off-”

“No, no, you tried. That’s enough. Besides, it wasn’t your fault.”

She looked at him sympathetically as she plopped down next to him.

“It-It doesn’t matter. Really,” he said, his cheeks growing hotter by the second.

“But it does matter, Ani. You don’t tolerate bullies; you stand up to them. And I know they did it just because you are a Slytherin,” she sighed. “I swear house rivalry is the worst thing ever.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright, but if they ever give you a hard time again, you can always tell me, alright?” she had said with a reassuring smile.

They hadn’t and so Ani barely had the chance to talk to his angel in years. He had seen her become a Prefect and then the Head of her house’s team and the more popular she got, the more unreachable she had felt to him. One of the things Anakin loved about Padmé was that she never let the fame get to her head. She was still the kindest and sweetest person ever, but he guessed that’s what other people liked about her too because they were always flocking around her and Anakin wasn’t keen on embarrassing himself in front of everyone.

With the Triwizard Tournament being hosted by his school, he had the perfect opportunity to ask her as his date to the Yule Ball. He was a fifth-year student now and most of the other boys were busy fawning over the Beauxbatons girls. They were pretty, to be sure, but they weren’t Padmé. He was worried she might be going with one of her friends (like Bail Organa, a seventh-year Ravenclaw) since he was keeping himself updated on who was accompanying who, and surprisingly, no other guy had asked her yet. When he had heard even Organa was going with a fellow Ravenclaw he knew he was going to be the only guy who would’ve approached Padmé so there was little chance of her turning him down.

He took a few deep breaths. He could picture Obi-Wan (his adoptive older brother and best friend) scowling at his hopeless crush on the Head Girl. “Do whatever you want, Anakin, but try not to disgrace yourself, or me.”

He cleared his throat nervously. Padmé was in the corridor, with only two of her friends, Cordé and Dormé (the friendly ones, as he liked to call him) so the moment struck him as the perfect opportunity. He started approaching her in the almost secluded hallway but he must have been too jittery from the anxiety because the next thing he knew he was on the floor.

Dormé and Cordé were kind enough not to snicker, though they seemed to be struggling at it as Padmé approached him.

She extended her hand and he took it as he gingerly got up.

“Are you okay- Ani?” she asked in surprise.

“Yeah,” he said sheepishly. “You remember me?”

“I almost didn’t recognize you. I don’t know how we have never talked in so many years.”

‘I wanted to, but you didn’t notice me,’ he thought sadly.

“Yeah- actually I was wondering if you are in need of a date for the Ball. W-Would you like to accompany me?” he blurted as he searched her eyes.

She stared back and just for a tiny moment, he felt that they shared a connection. That magic, however, was lost by what followed.

She broke out of her reverie.

“I’m really sorry, Ani. But Palo already asked me, and I said yes.”

“Oh…” he said though his brain wasn’t comprehending it clearly. Of course, she was going with Palo Jemabie, a seventh-year Hufflepuff. He had heard they had dated briefly so he was certain they were trying to rekindle the flame.

He tried not to wear his heart on his sleeve for once and hide the heartbreak.

“It’s alright. I get the picture. I’ll...ask someone else.”

She smiled apologetically and scrutinized him for a few seconds. He shifted uncomfortably as he had a feeling, he was not very good at hiding his emotions.

“I’ll see around you then,” she said as she waved at him and rejoined her friends, leaving Anakin alone in the hallway.

Anakin kicked the handkerchief that had fallen out of his pocket.

‘This day keeps getting worse.’

Padmé’s rejection had left a sour taste in his mouth. He had lost interest in going to the ball.

‘Why did I even get my hopes up? I’m better off going alone.’

He would later discover he wasn’t better off coming to the ball alone. But he doubted he would have enjoyed himself accompanied by a last-minute date either. He was dressed in one of the dress robes his mother had made for him long ago. It wasn’t horrible-looking, just a little out of fashion, but Anakin rarely care about the trend. It was his way of keeping his mother’s memory alive. She had wanted him to attend his first ball in it.

He fidgeted uncomfortably as he saw the other couples entering the Great Hall hand in hand. This was going to be awkward. Even his friend Rodrick, a Gryffindor, had Terrance (Ravenclaw) as his date. He had no other choice other than being a third wheel, though his friends didn’t seem to mind.

“A shy Slytherin. You’re an odd one, aren’t you?” said a sly voice as he felt someone put their hand through his.

It was Padmé. He didn’t bother concealing his awe. She came in a dazzling gown that was a mixture of the lightest yellow and a soft shade of pink. It looked like sunset – and top it off, her hair looked impeccable in a coiled headdress.

“Now, smile because we’ll be the first ones to start the dance,” she said as she waved at her friends.

“Padmé? I thought you were coming with Jemabie!”

“Well, after our conversation I told him someone had finally asked me on a date. We were going as friends since no one had asked me. He was a last resort. Besides, he wanted to go with someone else anyway.”

“Then why didn’t you say yes when I asked you first?”

“I wanted to see how dealt with refusal. Merlin, I haven’t seen someone so genuinely heartbroken in ages! I am surrounded by many false friends, you know. I appreciate your candor.”

“Come on, I am not that obvious,” he said with a pout.

“You are!” she teased as he blushed harder.

“So, you just came with me because I am the only one who asked you?”

She laughed. “That, and because it’s not every day a guy calls you an angel and means it.”

#ask #prompt #anakin skywalker #padme amidala #anidala #anakin x padme #anakin and padme #padme naberrie #star wars x harry potter #hogwarts au #slytherin!anakin #gryffindor!padme #sabe #dorme #corde #my writing #rodrick is r2d2 #terrance is threepio

49 notes · View notes

vortexs · 3 years ago

Text

I’m usually a vivid dreamer.

I’ve had dreams where I had powers. Or dreams where I saved the world. Or dreams where I go through an apocalypse.

Sometimes it’s just going through an exaggerated day. Sometimes it’s not me at all. I find that it’s an odd mashup of my feelings, stresses, and fears coming up & encouraging me to deal with them. More often than not, if I don’t deal with the issue, I continue to have the dreams.

Dreams are a fun place for me, and I haven’t had nightmares – true nightmares – in so long. But for the last year they’ve been more apparent, and for the last month, almost every night.

I know it’s because I’m grieving, and I’m not sure /how/ to grieve.

My grandma’s death was something I always saw coming. Looming over the horizon, peeking over the fence every time I looked at her. She’d been sick my whole life. Nearly every birthday wish I had was for her. Wishing for another year. Wishing for her health. I stopped wishing when I visited her one year and she was practically bed ridden, turning black and blue in the tips of her fingers and on the soles of her feet.

My stomach would fall, and my eyes would water. I knew it pained her to live more than it would pain me to see her go. I started dealing with her death long before she passed away.

It still hurt of course. But she lived a long life. A happy one. Full of love, and family. She loved me so much. I loved her so much. Its enough for me to know she is no longer suffering.

My cousin’s death gave me the entirely other perspective. He was young, younger than me. Still, we grew up together. He was the goofy one. The positive one. Always calm. Always kind. The kindest of his brothers, & the most determined to do life Right. No gangs. No violence. No drugs.

His death didn’t make sense to anyone. Didn’t make sense to me. His death was…complicated. Complicated because it was one of those deaths that many people wouldn’t feel bad for when you told them the story. One of those deaths where people /said he deserved it/ when it hit the news.

They didn’t know him. That’s what I tell myself. That it doesn’t matter what other people say, but fuck it still hurt. He deserved everyone to miss him. He deserved everyone to give their condolences and mean it. He deserved to graduate college, and achieve his dreams. He deserved to live longer.

This one hurts because I never saw his death coming. When I looked at him I didn’t see skeletons in the closet, or tragedy in his eyes. I dealt with this by trying to be there for everyone else. For my aunt and uncle who gave him his chance, for his siblings – my cousins who grew up with him. I wanted to be there for them to lean on, for us to celebrate him the way he deserved to be celebrated. That’s how I dealt with this.

But my dad. My father passing away. I don’t know where to begin.

It’s funny that I said my cousins’s death was complicated, because my dad’s feels 100 times more so. His is the type of complicated where I was told to lie. His is the type of complicated where I have to keep track of what I say, and who I said what to.

If I thought I couldn’t tell people how my cousin died, I definitely cannot tell people how my dad died. /Why/ he died.

I wish I could. I want to. But the reasons for it create complicated feelings in myself.

My dad was a great man. He raised me with stars in his eyes, & laughter on his lips. Growing up, I’d meet his friends or talk to extended family & they’d lean back, smile at me, and say “Ah, you’re definitely his daughter.”

My dad was goofy, and positive, and tough. Always encouraging, always behind my decisions. I adored him. I was a daddy’s girl through and through.

That’s not to say he was perfect. He wasn’t, and his faults are what ended he & my mother’s marriage. But like I said, he was tough, & he pushed forward. He’d tell me that later in life. To keep pushing forward. To not let anything keep me down.

“Look at me,” he’d go. “I’ve been through a lot. But I keep going. You have to do the same.”

As I got older, I could tell things were getting to him. Whether it was because life was harder for him, or because I’d been hardened, I don’t know. I began to see the tiredness in his eyes, the stress. Instead of him asking if I was okay, I started asking him.

“I feel bad,” he’d go. “I wish I could help you more. I wish I could be there for you. I wish you called me.”

I always told him that it was okay. That he was. He was there for me when it mattered, that I never thought of him and wished he’d do more. I told him that it’s hard for me to call anyone. He never believed it. That I knew. I chalked it up to some weird, macho man thing. You know, men always want to be the providers. Be the one for everyone to depend on. Everything I said was true. Still is.

He was remarried. He had a wife, and more kids. He did great with me, & I thought he’d be even greater with them. Everything that bothered him about our relationship he could fix and improve on with them.

And he did. For awhile. I like to believe it was all the way until the end.

The last time I saw him was on Father’s Day. My sister and I spent the day with him, and I could tell he was happy I came to see him. I was happy I did, too. He was very open this visit. I’d asked him for help (with getting my license lol) & he was very adamant that we would get it as he was teaching my step-sister as well.

“Of course! Come any time. I’ll teach you, and you’ll definitely pass.”

Maybe it was because it was the first time I’d asked something of him. Maybe he felt good that we’d share this milestone together. Maybe he was just happy I wanted to spend time with him.

I never followed through. The summer was so busy, and I was too short on money to make it back to him. I didn’t tell him this. Why? Because I knew he’d send me the money. I knew he’d give me the time. Neither of which he had much to spare (he’d vented to me many times about his money issues). I didn’t want to add to that.

I thought that once my job started I’d be able to go to him in the fall, instead.

He contacted me, which he rarely does. It was a strangely emotional text, in a good way.

“Hi baby! Are you still coming to see me? I really want to help you get your license!”

It made me happy, and I felt guilty I hadn’t told him why. I was reminded of how he felt like he failed me, and that I didn’t want to depend on him. That I thought lowly of him, or something. I told him I just didn’t have the money at the moment, but that I would see him as soon as I did.

“I want to get my license with you too!!” I’d said.

“How much do you need?” He’d sent back. I didn’t respond. I didn’t want him to send me money.

He still did.

A day later: $500, and a caption that read “My baby.”

I cried. I don’t know why, but I did. I think it was because I felt the weight of his love for me in that moment. Not that I ever thought he didn’t love me, but…he always struggled with showing his emotions. To me, this showed a lot. Not the money, but the caption. My baby. My baby.

I saw a lot of my dad in me. From his interests, to his ideals, to his personality. I never realized how much of me reminded me of him until he passed away.

It was a few days after my birthday. He sent me a nice message, & I told him how excited I was to see him. “See you soon.” I’d said.

A few days before he passed, I was informed that he’d done a terrible thing, & that he’d left his house & was unreachable. No texts. No calls. No tracker.

Knowing my father, as soon as I learned of the situation, I knew it was the beginning of the end. He was a prideful man. He wouldn’t want sympathy, he’d just want justice. He would never let himself get away.

I cried that day, when he was still alive. I just knew my father was gone. The man I knew, he wasn’t there anymore. The next few days were full of anxiety. I kept checking my phone, waiting for a call or text. About him. Or from him.

I actually did text him. I was afraid that if I contacted him & he knew that /I/ knew, that it’d speed up the process. That it’d send him over the edge.

I texted him, asking him to stay. Asking him not to hurt himself. Asking him to come back. I told him I loved him, that I appreciated him, & that I needed him.

He texted me back. He told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He told me that he wished he could’ve done more for me. He told me he was ashamed. Of what? Of everything, I think. Of his whole life.

He told me he only wanted 3 things from me. To be a strong, independent woman. To take care of my sister. And to always be grateful to my aunts.

I texted him multiple times after that. I never heard from him again.

A couple days later his body was found in another state. A “hiking accident” the police ruled it. I knew it was a suicide. I knew his reason for it. I knew that he said he didn’t want a funeral. I knew that he said he didn’t want us to mourn him. I knew that he didn’t want to be remembered at all, as he deleted all his social media, all his pictures.

Hardly anyone will ever know the man I adored ever existed.

The police said he needed to be cremated. They were adamant about how much we should not see the body. They told us that he was unrecognizable. That they only identified him through fingerprints. Out of everything I knew, I wish I never knew that.

I’ve never seen the body, but when I go to sleep at night I see it. I see him standing on the edge of the cliff. I feel his pain, his turmoil. I feel him thinking of his family. Thinking of his life. Thinking of me. I see him make the decision. I see him take the step. I see him fall. I hear him scream. I see him become mangled beyond recognition. I see him. I see him.

In my dreams I see him clear as day. In my dreams I speak to him. I chase him. I beg him to stay. He tells me no. He runs away from me. He tries to go away, but I see him.

I wake up, and I don’t see him. I wake up, and I know he’s gone away. I know that if there is an afterlife he will not see me, he wouldn’t allow himself that. I know that the last time I saw him, on father day, is the last time.

So then the dreams. The dreams where I chase him. Where I beg him. Where I look at him & he looks at me with pain in his eyes & guilt under his skin. Still, I wake up and fall into another nightmare where I lie about how he died and why.

I’m torn then. I want the dreams to stop, but I like seeing him. I’m scared to lose this, because then I will have lost all of him, maybe. I don’t know. Grief sucks. This sucks. I know I need to deal with this, but I don’t know where to begin. Or how. Maybe this is the first step. Getting this down. Even after writing this much about it I can feel how much more needs to be said.

Like, maybe I haven’t driven home how much he meant to me. Maybe I haven’t driven home how traumatizing it all is. Maybe I haven’t explained how my childhood was filled with him teaching me all the skills I utilize today, or how all my favorite interests started with him. Maybe I haven’t made it clear how I look in the mirror, or I speak, or I do my favorite hobbies and am reminded of him.

Grief sucks, but at least in my dreams, everyone is still there.

#this is a really really really long late night vent #basically a journal entry except I can’t stand writing in a journal so now it’s on my *blog* wow #lots of trigger warnings #tw death #tw suicide #I will need therapy for this eventually #when I’m ready #I think this is a good start #I don’t remember what I tagged text posts under #I’ll start a new one lol #tp

2 notes · View notes