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hollowdeath · 11 months ago

Text

professor potter

pairing: harry james potter x fem!reader AU (18+)

summary: 2 years after the war, harry accepted a position as a substitute professor at hogwarts and recognized you from his years as a student. old feelings come to the surface as you both try to remain professional to keep his position safe.

content warning: slight teacher/student dynamic (they used to be classmates, reader is 18+), mostly slow burn & angst. smut mostly doesn't happen til the end (masturbation, penetration)

word count: 12.5k

a/n: wrote this for fun between working on requests! thank you to everyone who sends them in, they're so good and i'm excited to post more soon! just another fluffy, angsty harry fic taking place in school w a hint of smut...kinda similar to my last one but thats ok ! as always not exactly book/movie/canon accurate i apologize !

it's your first day of your last year at hogwarts, and you're probably the only student here that's not completely thrilled to be back. young witches and wizards running around you in the halls with their robes dragging on the ground, completely in awe with each other at the architecture and moving portraits.

you have to admit, if hogwarts does anything right, it's the ambience. probably the only thing you'll miss after leaving this year is the magic castle itself, particularly the library and your dorm room, which have been your sanctuaries for the past 7 years. there's just no place in the world, even the wizarding world, you've found, that quite compares to hogwarts.

but no, unfortunately, not even the grandiose castle of every young wizard's dream was enough to make you want to stay here even a day longer than you had to. and trust, you were counting down the days.

there was a lot that went into your disdain for the school. after the war in your 5th year, nothing had been the same. sure, the building was restored to its original form and even had some upgrades installed, but the energy within the walls felt so…unsettling.

it had been more than 2 and half years since then, and most students who remember the war well had either graduated or moved on from it. you, however, continued to feel the effects of it every day.

you've had a lot of personal struggles since then mentally, which affects your social life. you've overheard your friends talking about how they don't feel like you're the same person and you inevitably bring them down. it wasn't long after that they stopped talking to you completely. you didn't bother to rekindle the connection; you were ready to leave this place behind anyways, what was the point in faking a friendship for another year?

even without all that, you truly just hated your classes. you actually used to be a scholar student in your day, consistently making the top of the headmaster's list every year until the war. and you still loved headmaster mcgonagall, of course, you don't think that'd ever change, it was mainly the other professors that gave you a hard time. once you showed signs of struggling and burn out, it was like they just completely gave up on you and moved on to the next eager, bright-eyed bushy-tailed 1st year to dote on.

no matter, because again, you were ready to leave for a variety of reasons. even if you had loved your professors and graduated at the top of the class, you still had no friends to celebrate with. and even if you had those so-called "friends" back in your life, you still felt completely alone with them.

and so you laid in bed, the same bed you've had for 7 years now, retracting the ornate trim on the ceiling like you have a million nights before.

you decided to look back at your schedule once more, floating the paper out of its folder in your bag and towards your open hand. you read through it slowly, but nothing had changed. pretty much the worst line up of classes you've had so far. particularly your least anticipated course, defense against the dark arts.

at this point, you'd had more than enough when it came to the dark arts. those death eaters nearly killed you in that war, and actually did manage to kill too many of your classmates and teachers in the process. you saw your second home crumble in front of you, classrooms you grew up in completely leveled and the bridge burned to the ground, so much death and destruction over nothing but power. you resented the dark magic in this world.

sighing, you set the paper down on your bedside table and roll over, attempting to fall asleep. you have plenty of early classes this year and don't look forward to having to wake up with the sun to make it to them on time.

you're wasting time in the bathroom just before your defense against the dark arts, your last class of the day, when your peace is interrupted by a group of girls who come in giggling and talking rapidly amongst each other. from inside your stall you can't help but tune into their gossip. it's the only thing you could hear and, who cares, you could use some good drama.

you tried to dissect their conversation but they were constantly talking over each other, squealing, giggling, and you couldn't understand a thing. after a few moments of craning your neck towards the door to get a better listen, one girl's voice stood out amongst the rest as she asked, "okay, but, who's going to try and flirt with potter first?" her question was followed by many desperate "me!" "me!" "me!"s, a wave of giggling following.

potter. there's no way…

the bells begin ringing, signaling your next class is starting soon, and the girls go rushing out of the bathroom together. you slowly open the stall door and walk to the closest mirror. pale, like you've seen a ghost.

they couldn't possibly be talking about harry potter, right?

just his name had become plenty famous in its own right. the boy who lived; the boy who lived twice. you hadn't heard his name mentioned in a long time, though that's not hard when you've hardly interacted with anyone here in a long time.

you remembered harry from your years before the war that you had shared with him. he was 2 years ahead of you, so it wasn't often you had the chance to speak with him, but he was pretty much as legendary as one student could be at hogwarts. however, whenever you did manage to have a conversation with him, you always thought he was cute. really cute.

okay, so maybe you had a ginormous crush on him your entire time at hogwarts. but so did pretty much every other girl. but you didn't just think he was cute, you admired his gentle nature and timid personality. despite his heroic and outright dangerous adventures, he was always so kind, so humble…

the bells begin ringing again, meaning you're now late to class. "shit." you mutter, grabbing your bag and stumbling through the bathroom door.

you're jogging to your dark arts class with a racing mind, still wondering why those girls would mention potter's name so randomly.

you turn the corner and see the classroom door is already closed. "shit." you mutter again, stomping your foot. now you have to open the heavy doors and draw everyone's attention towards you, quite literally the last thing in the world you want right now.

sighing, you push open one of the doors, making the loudest noises you've ever heard echo throughout the silent classroom. you walk in and, as expected, all eyes are on you.

you grit your teeth and close the door behind you, making your way towards an empty seat in the middle of the room. the silence lingers as your footsteps hit the ground, trying your best not to make eye contact with anyone. you hear a few snickers and whispers coming from behind, and you can already tell it's your old friend group. you roll your eyes, sighing as you drop your weight into the creaky wooden seat.

you hadn't realized, but headmaster mcgonagall was at the front of the room. you noticed once she continued talking, looking up to see her smiling at you. you returned it. you love how she's always liked you despite your grades slipping lately.

you quickly look back down at your hands as people begin to turn away from you, drawing their attention back to mcgonagall as she continues to introduce the class.

"like i was saying, class, we apologize for the change this semester and hope you'll be understanding of us as we navigate this situation carefully. i suspect you'll all be respectful and courteous to our guest as he donates his time to hogwarts and to you, our students."

you look back up, a confused look on your face. what change? what situation? what guest?

it didn't take you long to connect the dots. it's like everything was in slow motion. the girls talking in the bathroom, the guest, the reason all the front rows of seats in class were completely filled with girls…

"please, class, welcome hogwarts' very own, mr. harry james potter."

all at once, your eyes landed on harry, who had been sitting to the side, obscured from your vision by several girls and a pillar. as he walks towards mcgonagall, eager applause erupt from the girls and the boys offer mediocre claps. you're too stunned to react, watching harry intently as he shakes mcgonagall's hand with that same timid smile.

you can hardly believe your eyes. what is going on? why is he here? and how the hell does he look even better now than he did 2 years ago?

"thank you, headmaster mcgonagall," harry says shyly, turning to the students. his eyes immediately fall on you. you try to convince yourself he's looking just in front of you or even past you, but you can feel his stare into your eyes. its the only thing that breaks you out of your shock.

you blink a few times and slump into your seat, feeling your blood run cold at harry's eye contact. he looks down at the desk he's standing at and shuffles a few papers. you sink even lower into your chair. this can't be good.

"uh, well, hello…everyone," harry says awkwardly, earning some flirtatious giggles from the girls just ahead of you. "it's a pleasure to be here, really, despite the circumstances. uh, i'm sure as some of you know…i've been very close with the weasley family for years and feel devastated for bill– uh, professor weasley, that is," harry corrects himself nervously, clearing his throat and glancing at his papers again.

"and when he reached out to me personally, specifically me out of anyone, to teach in his place for this semester, i couldn't say no to him. so, while it's a real honor to be here with you all, please know it's just for this semester and then professor weasley will be back to continue with the lesson plan in the spring," harry explains, looking around the room yet always letting his eyes land on you specifically with a lingering gaze.

harry goes into the schedule for the semester, the skills you'll be learning, and, well, you can't really focus on what else because you're just completely lost in your own head.

harry potter, the harry potter, is your professor for an entire semester.

you were completely dumbfounded. he couldn't hardly be older than 20 years old at this point. he had only left hogwarts just 2 years prior, yet he looked so different. though the glasses and hair stayed relatively the same, he had matured in the face. a slight beard, defined smile lines, and he'd definitely spent some time in the gym…

seeing him in a button up with his old gryffindor tie on drove you mad. is he really getting you worked up in the middle of class by just standing there? you feel like you're 14 again, staring him down in the courtyard from behind a tree.

it doesn't help that you swear he keeps looking at you. specifically you. his gaze is unmistakable at this point, it can't be a coincidence.

you try to stop yourself from having these thoughts and physical reactions. if he's going to be your professor for an entire semester you have to get over this silly crush that was never going to work out anyway. though you're soon turning 19, it makes no difference if he's working with the school, it would never be allowed…

what are you even saying? as if anything would ever happen except in your dreams. all you're going to do is lust for him until christmas and then he'll be gone again, his name nothing but a spoken legend again.

before you can process all he's said, harry announces that everyone's free to leave once you grab a textbook from him. girls are immediately standing up and running to get in line, and the boys are rolling their eyes as they sluggishly follow behind.

you're inevitably the last one, getting a headache as you listen to girls try to ask harry all kinds of questions for a bit of his attention. he mostly just gives simple answers or laughs them off, referring back to the class or the textbook he was handing them in some way to change the subject.

mcgonagall eventually shoos the girls away, which harry thanks her for in a low tone. he hands a book to each of the boys in front of you before it comes down to you. as the boy in front of you is being escorted away by mcgonagall, you briefly catch harry putting the library card of your book inside the front cover before he closes it.

your eyes connect as he hands the book to you, but he doesn't let go. your heart instantly flutters.

"it's nice to see you again, [y/n]," he says softly, letting the weight of the book fall in your hands.

the way he says your name has you frozen in place. his pretty blue eyes have stayed just as mesmerizing. it takes a moment before you're able to wrap the book in your arms, offering him a friendly smile as you softly reply, "you too, harry…"

you're quickly making your way back to your room with the biggest, cheesiest smile plastered on your face. he remembered you. you had barely ever interacted with harry, only a handful of times as far as you could remember, and you were sure he had completely forgotten about you, or at least forgotten your name. you tried to chalk it up to him having access to the attendance records of the class and reading over your name, but you still felt like a giddy school girl skipping along day dreaming about her crush.

when you got back to your dorm, you set the class textbook down on your desk and went to turn around before looking back at it longingly. harry had just put the library card back in the book before handing it off to you. you were most likely crazy, but something inside you was insanely curious to see if he had done something to the card.

you slowly opened the book and took the card out, a blank piece of cardstock except for a fresh label printed at the top. you sigh, almost putting it back before seeing something on the card catch the shimmer of the light.

you give the card a curious look. you turn it in your hands towards the light, trying to see what's on it. before giving up in frustration, a thought comes into your brain.

no…

you dig into your luggage, still unpacked from the day prior, looking for your old ink and quill. once you find them you come back to the card, setting it on your desk as you open the ink pot. you dip your quill in the ink and touch it to the spot you noticed earlier.

as you watched, the ink collected into letters and numbers, forming a message across the dotted lines of the check out columns. you were stunned. harry actually wrote to you in disappearing ink? you thought you were delusional thinking it was a possibility, but here was the proof plain as day:

[y/n],

hagrid's, 8:30pm

harry

you kept rereading the lines over and over before they slowly disappeared, fading away into the paper. you stood back in pure disbelief. what does this mean? obviously it means he wants to meet with you, but for the life of you you just can't figure out why. you two barely knew one another personally, it had been two years since you'd seen or heard of each other again, and now he's secretly inviting you to hagrid's after hours using disappearing ink? as your substitute professor, too…

from 5-8 pm you mainly paced around your room in both lingering disbelief and unbridled excitement. though you had no idea why harry had invited you out in secret, you were anxious just to be in his presence at his request.

you spent forever deciding on your outfit, feeling a bit silly for putting so much effort into this suspicious rendezvous that you were still clueless about.

sneaking out had become somewhat natural to you over the years. you knew all the blind spots of the castle and could hear a prefect coming from a mile away. you were out of your room and walking down to hagrid's completely unnoticed in less than 10 minutes.

on your way down the hill, your mind is racing with possibilities of what this meeting could entail.

arriving at hagrid's hut, you admire the warm glow of the windows and intoxicating smell coming from the smoking chimney – a mix of wood and garlic. hagrid's pumpkins are just beginning to plump up, his yard scattered with overgrown vines.

as you walk up to the door, a wave of anxiety hits you. knocking seems like the most impossible task in the world all of a sudden.

you steady your breathing, let your heart rate slow, and knock before you have the chance to stop yourself.

a few seconds of some rustling can be heard behind the door before it swings open. harry greets you with a warm smile. no longer dressed for class, harry looks quite adorable in a comfy sweater and baggy jeans standing before you in the hut.

"[y/n], you got my message," he says, clearly impressed. you couldn't believe this was real. he really did leave you that note on purpose. just hearing him acknowledge it made your heart race all over again.

"i-i did," you say in shock, searching his expression for an answer to all your questions. why are you here?

harry gestures for you to come in. "well, join me, please," he insists. you politely smile and enter the hut, the smell of food making your mouth water immediately. "smells amazing in here," you comment under your breath.

harry closes the door, looking back at you with a shy smile. "oh, thank you. it's for us, actually." he tells you, nodding his head towards the dining table.

completely set up with a tablecloth, harry has food plated for the two of you on the tiny table, along with tea still steaming on the stove.

"if you don't mind, of course," he checks with you, his voice soft and unsure. you look back at harry, barely able to grasp what's happening before you reply, "of course,"

he suppresses a grin as he gestures to the table once more. "please," he prompts you. you hand him your bag and jacket before taking your seat at the table, admiring the food he prepared for you. you're still lost in thought when harry asks, "tea?" holding the kettle from the stove.

"please, thank you," you reply. he pours you both cups of tea before bringing them to the table with a smile on his face.

as you're eating you notice a record playing in the corner you hadn't heard earlier. it fills the space nicely as you both take your first bites of dinner. "hope you like it, i wasn't sure what to make," he says nervously.

wiping your lips with a napkin, you simply tell him, "it's lovely,"

after another moment or so, harry sits back in his chair. "so…[y/n]..." he sighs. hearing him say your name like that makes your brain fuzzy for just a second before he speaks again. "you're probably, um, wondering why…"

you stifle a laugh at his stalling, getting a hint of confidence as you interrupt him. "wondering why professor potter secretly invited me to have a home cooked dinner with him?"

harry goes still, his eyes searching your expression as a blush grows over his cheeks. he swallows nervously, blinking and shaking his head before attempting to respond. "u-um, yeah, that,"

smirking, enjoying his nerves, you wait for his explanation with your arms crossed and a raised brow. he clears his throat and diverts his eyes from your gaze. he takes a sip of tea before smacking his lips and looking back at you.

"i just, i haven't seen you…" he starts, eyes softening at you. "i-i know we didn't talk much, but…i always cared for you." the last part was hard for harry to get out, a weight lifting off his shoulders in the process.

you were blushing, but more than that you were sweating. this is like something you would dream about as a kid. hell, even just earlier today…

"when i saw you today…in class…" he seemed uncomfortable referencing that. "i just…a lot of memories came back to me," his hands move with him nervously as he speaks.

he sighs and stands up, his body language clearly stressed. you haven't said a word, you simply can't. what could you possibly say?

harry's facing the fireplace, his head in his hands. "look, i just, now that i'm your professor this semester i just think…" he takes a moment to find the words before turning to you. "i had a crush on you. okay? there. god damn it," harry huffs angrily, rolling his head back as he throws his hands down.

"i had a crush on you for like 3 years, it was stupid, and i don't want it to affect my teaching with you. so…i guess i practically set up a fucking date to tell you this, sent hagrid away for the evening for nothing…" he gestures to the table, sighing in defeat.

you're stunned into silence, to say the least. there aren't words to describe what's going on in your head at this moment.

after a moment harry looks back at you, his gaze softening once again. "[y/n]...please understand i wouldn't be telling you any of this unless i thought there was another way i could deal with it. when i saw you today…it was like i was 16 again," a small smile creeps onto his face before he wipes it away.

"and if i didn't tell you now, it's all i would've thought about when i saw you, so…yeah. there." harry says with a huff, avoiding eye contact with you.

before you can even process what's going on, your body reacts for you. you stand up, walking over to harry, getting his attention off the floor. he looks at you almost with fear in his eyes at how close you are. you sigh shakily before speaking.

"harry…u-um, professor potter…" you correct yourself. "please, just, harry…for now at least," harry insisted, his eyes apologetic.

"harry…" you say, suppressing a grin. "you don't have to worry. really…um, it was definitely mutual, to put it lightly…"

harry gives you a surprised look. "really?"

you roll your eyes, taking a step away from him and towards the fire, enjoying the warmth. "harry, you forget who you are sometimes. essentially every girl i knew had a crush on you at one point."

harry's a little flustered at this statement, also taking a step closer to the fire, and towards you. "i-i wouldn't say that, i was definitely not that lucky back in the day," he jokes.

"so those girls that were practically all over you during class today…?" you tease him. "'oh, professor potter, what can i do to get a good grade?'" you mock their voices, giving him puppy dog eyes as you lean towards him before laughing and turning towards the fire. "is that not luck?" you ask with your arms crossed, a smirk hiding your slight jealousy.

harry's silent for a few moments before you look over at him. you see his eyes dark and fixated on you for just a second before he blinks and shakes his head at you, also turning to the fire. "please. they're children. they crush on any slightly older guy they see."

you roll your eyes again at his denial. "some of them were my age, well on their way to being 19. but, whatever you say."

the fire crackles in front of you two, filling the space and creating a warm glow. "besides…none of them are you." harry says. you look over at him, and he's lost staring at the fire. he feels you looking at him and quickly corrects himself. "i mean, nobody was like you, at least to me, back then…" he trails off awkwardly, wincing at his own choice of words.

you adore his nervous antics. he's just the same sweet, timid boy you remember, except he's a bit taller with a 5 o'clock shadow and looks gorgeous in the glow of a fireplace right now.

"i've really mucked this night up, haven't i? i was supposed to tell you about the crush calmly and professionally, with no inappropriate comments, and send you on your way into the night with your first reading in the textbook…" harry sighs, giving you a pathetic look.

"well…" you start. "your first mistake was probably leaving me a secret note, and cooking me a wonderful dinner," you gesture towards the table. harry lets out a pathetic laugh, shaking his head. "yeah, probably."

you don't know why you feel the need to, but you instinctively grab for harry's hand. he gives you a surprised, scared look.

you try to reassure him with a soft smile. "harry, i appreciate you telling me. i hope it can make this semester easier for you."

harry smiles in return, but it's not genuine. he looks like he's holding back from letting you know how he really feels.

regardless, he invited you two to finish up your food, laughing as you both attempted to resume casual conversation without the awkward air.

surprisingly, the two of you naturally begin to talk up a storm, reminiscing on memories and catching up on what's happened since then. harry tells you about his career as an auror and his experiences that lead him to being able to teach defense against the dark arts. when professor weasley's wife had died of sudden illness, the only person he wanted to take his place was harry.

you're hesitant to tell him about your lack of eventful news, practically hiding your face in embarrassment as you admit that your grades have been suffering since the war.

harry put a reassuring hand on your knee, his chair pushed closer to you. you had both long since finished dinner and just talked, enjoying the fire as harry continued to feed it wood every so often.

you looked up at him, melting at how adorable his tired eyes looked through his glasses. "i get it. trust me." he tells you. his voice puts you at ease, and you don't feel quite as embarrassed as before.

"maybe this semester i could help you. if you'd like, of course," harry offers. you smile. "of course."

as you're slowly making your way towards the door to leave, harry watches you search through your bag to find chapstick. as you're putting it on, he continues to watch you. you sneak a glance at him, his face soft and full of admiration.

"you know, if i may say, in the least inappropriate manner possible…" he says with a laugh, causing you to laugh with him. "you have truly only gotten more beautiful after all this time, [y/n]."

looking over at him, you can feel your face form a cheesy grin with blushing cheeks. "well, thank you, that's very kind," you say, putting your chapstick away and taking another step towards the door. "but, really, i should be saying the same about you."

harry waves you away, but you notice the smile planted on his cheeks. "please," he says sarcastically.

he reaches for the door to open it for you, and finds himself rather close to you by accident. you smile up at him, and he nervously steps back.

"u-uh, thank you for coming tonight, really, even if it was a bit weird…" harry says, an embarrassed laugh following. giggling with him, you take a step outside. "it was nice. but, no more invisible ink. just ask me from now on, okay?" you ask, still giggling at him.

harry shakes his head at himself. "will do."

you give him a warm smile before reaching in for a one-arm hug, resting your head on harry's shoulder for just a second before pulling back. "i'll see you tomorrow, professor potter."

enjoying the shocked and flustered look on his face, you walk away still laughing, making your way up the hill and towards the castle. you heard the door shut behind you quickly after you left, but could feel harry's lingering eyes following you through the window the entire way back.

that night you're laying in bed trying to convince yourself everything that just happened wasn't a dream. if it weren't for your full stomach and muddy shoes sitting by your door you might've convinced yourself it really was all an illusion. rather than dreading the next day of classes, you're actually excited to wake up as it only means you'll see harry sooner.

though you're not sure exactly why. yes you'd had a friendly conversation with him tonight after he admitted his feelings towards you, which still hasn't quite settled in yet…but what happens now? he's still your professor for the next 5 months minimum, and you both know you used to like each other. harry might feel better getting it off his chest, but you were perfectly fine keeping that secret to yourself like you always had. if anything, now it's the only thing you're going to think about every day.

rolling over, you try to fall asleep without thinking about harry too much.

it had been a few weeks since you met with harry that night in hagrid's hut, and things were going…okay, so far.

well, to be completely honest, you had utterly fallen back into your crush on harry harder than you ever had before.

and you tried to stop yourself this time. really, you did. working with harry in class and then stopping by his office at least 3 times a week for his help in other classes was a lot of time to be spending with a professor, and you rather despised just how fast harry made your heart beat or how easily his eyes could distract you.

so you tried your best to convince yourself it was lingering feelings from your past self, even trying to have a crush on other boys in your year to distract your brain. that failed miserably. none of those boys were attractive or interesting on their own, especially in comparison to professor potter…

but you couldn't fool yourself. you still felt the same butterflies seeing harry now like you did in 5th year. when he's talking to you in the quiet of his office, reading your textbook to you, you feel like the only two people in the world. when he fixes your hands to hold the wand properly, or moves your arm for you in the correct pattern to cast a spell, you can't focus for the rest of class. if his eyes linger on you just a bit too long during one of his lectures, a knowing smile growing on his face, you melt in your seat.

there was no denying it. you liked him more now than you ever had before. maybe it's just the sheer amount of time you've spent with him this past month or so, but your feelings for him had never been this strong in the past. there were days where he was quite literally the only thing you thought about, or at least wanted to think about. though you were doing better in your other classes, it was only because of him. you spent barely any outside time putting effort into these classes because, ultimately, you were completely distracted by harry.

and not just the idea of him, but particularly the growing tension you had noticed between you two recently.

you also tried to convince yourself that this was going on in your head. but there were just too many instances of prolonged eye contact, harry sitting a bit too close to you during your tutoring sessions, and lingering hands on your skin that made you question if harry maybe wasn't entirely over his crush either…

not that you tried to make it easy for him. since the semester started, you've been taking some extra time each morning to perfect your hair/makeup, put on your favorite perfumes on days you knew you'd be close to harry, and would even change your outfit completely when going to study with him outside of your school robes to give you a boost of confidence.

not that you needed the boost. lately you could only feel confident in yourself and nothing less. something about learning your life long crush who seemed so unattainable also had feelings for you, and could possibly still, made you feel untouchable. not to mention that any girl you heard talk about him or swoon over him in class just made you laugh to yourself; they had no idea you were with him alone for hours every week goofing off together as he attempted to help you study.

this confidence made its way into other parts of your day outside of harry as well. you were talking more in class, making a few new friends, even going to parties and outings just for the fun of it. you were actually enjoying your time at hogwarts instead of dreading every day. not all because of harry, but it definitely didn't hurt to consider him a friend.

a friend. a professor. an old classmate. a crush. a temporary fixation. your relationship to harry, in your mind, seemed so complicated and sometimes incredibly frustrating. especially when he seemed to flirt with you so subtly. you couldn't stand the, 'is he, isn't he' thoughts. but, at the same time, it just made you more motivated to push the limits to see how he responded.

of course it started with looking good, enjoying his reaction seeing you each day with a small smile and blushing cheeks. then it was making flirtatious jokes and purposefully giving him innocent looks while he rambled about whatever subject to get him flustered and distracted. and, lately, you've stepped it up by wearing shorter and shorter skirts whenever you stop by his office, and have even caught him looking at your legs a number of times when he thinks you're not paying attention.

all this to say, there was definitely tension.

you had to admit you felt a bit guilty, you knew harry valued his position as a substitute professor and was enjoying his time there, and you would feel awful if anything ever happened to cost him this position. he told you about his crush specifically to alleviate it, and your only goal this semester has been to do the opposite.

but, at the same time, you wouldn't act this way if harry didn't also create tension between you two. he also made overtly flirty jokes and comments, even seeming a tad bit jealous whenever you mentioned another boy during your time together. and you weren't stupid, you could tell when he wore the cologne you complimented one time when you were around or had even changed from his school clothes before you came to see him. there was definitely something unspoken going on between the two of you, but you were both afraid of crossing that line and making things complicated. besides, if anything, you both seemed to enjoy this game you were playing of teasing each other in private and then acting normally during class as student and teacher.

honestly, you found it to be insanely erotic, and were more turned on in class than any other time you were with harry due to the secretive nature of everything. his longing gaze as you walk in, his nervous glances towards specifically you, the shift in his voice from talking to one student to talking to you, it was all so subtle yet in plain view. something about wanting what you can't have only made you want it more.

on this particular day, you had been with harry for over two hours studying for an exam for a class you had been struggling with all semester, even with harry's help. you were frustrated, laying your head in your arms with your textbook in front of you, groaning as harry chuckled at you.

"c'mon, [y/n], you've got this. i mean, you did just fine on this last practice test, better than you have all semester really," harry comments, pulling the paper out of your folder. you lift your head up, giving him a mean look. "i got a 75. barely." you deadpan.

"yes, and that's better than what you have been getting." harry stated, trying to hide a smirk. you throw a crumpled up paper at him. "stop, that's not funny," you whine, also trying to hide your laugh.

chuckling, harry stands up and walks towards the bookshelf in his office. "look, i'm just trying to be encouraging here," he says over his shoulder as he scans the rows of books.

you try to get back to your work, but you're just so utterly confused and upset that you close the book with a huff and lean back in your seat with an exasperated expression. harry hears this and turns to you, giving you a sympathetic smile.

he walks back over, picking up the book in front of you and setting it in your bag. "here, we can be done for today. it's not good to push yourself past your limit."

you sigh as you push back the urge to tear up. "sometimes i just feel so stupid," you say in a soft, despondent voice, staring off into the window across from harry's desk.

harry's watching you intently, and nearly drops to his knees as he crouches beside your chair and catches your eyes in his. "hey, you're not stupid. quite the opposite, actually." he says with a genuine voice. you look away, still not believing him.

"really, [y/n], and i'm not saying this as your professor. back in school i was constantly listening to hermione go on and on about your intelligence and class rank. she was incredibly impressed and slightly envious that someone 2 years below her was actually providing some competition at this school." harry says with a laugh.

you can't help but blush like crazy at this confession. hermione had been your academic inspiration for all of your time at hogwarts, and even still now despite your declining lack of effort. you'd had quite a few conversations with her in the past about classes and certain books or authors you both enjoyed, but had no idea she thought that highly of you.

mulling over this information in your head, harry continued to grab your attention with a soft smile and loving eyes. "you're not stupid. different things are harder for different people. you'll get there, and i'll help you. okay?" he asks.

you smile back at him. "okay."

slowly packing up to leave, you and harry both take your time to gather your supplies as you chat about your respective plans for the weekend. you casually mention a party you were thinking of going to. harry perks up at this. "a party?" he asks, a twinge of concern laced in his voice.

you give him a look. "yeah, ever heard of it?" you ask sarcastically, laughing to yourself. "i guess it's one of the slytherin boys' birthdays, or something like that," you wave off, throwing your bag over your shoulder. "apparently it's going to be massive,"

harry continues looking at you with a hint of concern. "well, just…be safe, yeah?" harry comments, his voice uneasy. you laugh at him again, looking at him incredulously. "yes, professor potter, i'll be careful," you tease him. you know harry gets a little squirmy when you call him that outside of class, and it never fails to make you feel powerful.

"besides, i heard the theme is dress to impress, so you already know i'm gonna look so good," you joke, flipping your hair dramatically. harry's tenseness breaks, letting out a chuckle. "well, still. just…be safe." is all he manages to say as you walk with him to the door.

saying your goodbyes as you separate down the hall, you can still feel harry's eyes on you until you disappear around the corner.

the night of the party, you were still unsure if you wanted to go. when a couple girls from class saw you and asked if you were going, they ended up convincing you to come with them. so, you got changed into a flashy dress that fit you well, fixed up your hair and makeup a bit, and met them in the courtyard to walk to the slytherin common room together. they obsessively commented on your outfit, telling you just how good you looked and letting you know you'd have no problem finding a guy to snog tonight.

but, you don't want any guy tonight. if anything, you were walking slowly through the hallways hoping by some chance that harry would cross your path and see just how good you looked. but you knew you weren't that lucky.

upon arriving at the party, drinks are immediately pushed into your and your friends' hands. they were right about the party being massive, as every square foot of the slytherin common room was packed with slightly tipsy students of all ages dancing to the loud music. you had barely finished your first drink before your friends dragged you over to do shots with them, wincing at the burn it left in your throat afterwards.

as the night goes on, you're eventually separated from all the girls you came with. not on purpose, some of them were playing drinking games, some were dancing, and one had even left the party with a guy she was completely into. no hard feelings, everyone was just doing their own thing. you had a few shouting-over-the-music conversations with a couple classmates and drank another cup of the mysterious alcoholic punch being served before deciding to head back to your room. you informed one of your friends, who asked if you wanted her to come with you, but you insisted she stay.

entering the hallway is extremely sobering. the loud music and colorful lights made it easy to ignore the growing drunken sensation, but you were now nervously navigating the halls of hogwarts, slightly intoxicated, attempting to warm yourself up with your hands over your arms. you hadn't even thought to bring a jacket, of course, so you were shivering as you made your way back to your room.

not long after leaving the party, you turn the corner and come face to face with another person. a boy a year under you, though you couldn't remember his name or anything else about him. you're a bit startled, not expecting to see anyone else, but politely apologize and attempt to walk around him.

"hey. you were at the party, right?" he asks, stepping in front of you to prevent you from leaving. you're slightly annoyed by him already, but your intoxicated state makes you bite your tongue. "yeah, just on my way back to my room," you try to end the conversation there, taking another step to get around him.

but he gets in your way again, stepping even closer to you this time. "what's the rush? y'know you had every guy talkin' in there tonight? sure would be nice to take home the prize," he slurs into your face, your nose scrunching at his alcoholic breath. god, this kid's way more wasted than you.

"excuse me?" you scoff, turning your face away from him. he tries to put his hand on your waist but you slap it away as hard as you can, causing him to wince and give you an angry look. "i suggest you leave me the fuck alone," you announce firmly, stancing your feet apart as you get ready to defend yourself further.

just as this guy's about to try again, this time his hands going for your neck, a voice from down the hall echoes loudly, scaring you both. "hey!"

you both turn, and it's harry.

"i would further suggest you leave her alone, mr. williams," he announces as he swiftly walks towards you. the kid laughs him off. "mind your business, huh, potter? this doesn't involve you," he continues to slur, looking like he wants to fight as harry walks up to him, chest to chest.

"it does now. leave and you'll be lucky i don't have you expelled or rather arrested for sexually assaulting a fellow student on campus grounds after hours, while intoxicated might i add," harry spits at him, his eyes full of disgust and rage.

the kid falters a bit, but the alcohol still has him acting cocky, getting in harry's face. "yeah? or what," he asks daringly.

you get between them and put your wand, hidden in your dress, against the kid's throat, making him stiff with wide eyes. "touch him and i will gladly get expelled for hurting you in ways you couldn't even conceive of in your fucking nightmares. do you understand? get the fuck out of here!" you nearly shout at the kid, causing him to turn and run.

you sigh a breath of relief, but quickly begin to feel the anxiety return as you bring your wand down and look at harry.

you can feel your body shaking with anger and fear, and also shivering from how cold you hadn't realized you'd gotten. your cheeks were flushed, your breathing uneven, and nearly on the verge of tears. harry's eyes were still angry, but he gave you a sympathetic look. he promptly took off his jacket and wrapped it around your shivering frame, enveloping you in a hug in the process. it's hard not to let the tears flow just a bit as you rest your head in his chest. you felt so vulnerable with him in that moment.

"here, let's get you back to your room, yeah?" harry says softly, turning your shoulders and guiding you down the hall. you realize you had sobered up during the ordeal, your eyes focusing and walking straightening out as you follow the corridors. once harry begins guiding you down your hallway, you slow to look up at him with a curious expression.

"how do you know where my room is?"

harry's a bit stunned by your question, searching for an answer before you began to think more. "and, wait," you stop walking and turn to him. "how did you even find me?" you ask breathlessly. harry continues to look guilty as he searches for an answer. smirking, you pull his jacket on you closer.

"professor potter, if i didn't know better, i'd say you were watching me tonight," you tease him in a flirty voice. "surely that's not the case, is it?"

harry looks around you two nervously, clearly starting to feel anxious for his actions. all you could do was smirk. you knew he still liked you.

harry sighs, avoiding your eye contact with a completely red face. "look, i just had a bad feeling about that party, okay?" he says simply. you continue to stare at him with a knowing look. "i couldn't sleep tonight knowing something could've happened to you. something like that fucking kid…" harry gets worked up just thinking about it again before stopping himself and calming down. "i'm sorry. it was wrong of me, and completely inappropriate."

your smirk drops into a soft smile. you can't help but feel your stomach erupt into butterflies hearing him admit he was watching you tonight specifically to make sure you were safe.

you softly put your hand to his cheek, causing him to look at you. he looks apologetic, concerned, and sad, his eyes searching yours as he slightly leans into your touch.

"thank you, harry." you say just above a whisper, your voice genuine and loving.

he sighs again, a bit relieved, a bit sad. his hand goes for yours, holding it for just a moment before he gives it back to you, letting go as he looks towards your door.

"well," he starts off, his voice cracking. "i'll leave you here for the night,"

smiling, you nod and take a step towards your door. you slip his jacket off of you and hand it back to him with a grateful, warm smile. he returns the smile as you're opening your door and waving goodbye at him.

as you're getting ready for bed, you replay the events of tonight over and over. you imagine harry watching you leave your room without you having any clue, meeting up with your friends, leaving the party in a daze, attempting to escape that guy before harry decided he had to step in and protect you.

you felt a bit silly for ever thinking harry's crush on you had stopped. even his subtle clues weren't very subtle thinking back now. maybe back in year 5 you assumed you were crazy for thinking he was looking at you funny, but now, nearing 3 years later, and learning he's liked you the whole time, you couldn't deny his longing gaze.

laying in bed, you decided you had to properly thank harry in some way for tonight, and you knew exactly how.

the next day, you paid a special visit to diagon alley with a friend to buy something special for harry. when she asked why you would ever possibly buy something like that for yourself, you make up some story about needing it for a class. she doesn't believe you, but goes along with it anyway and continues to have fun with you on your sunday out shopping.

you head towards his office in the afternoon when he usually spends his time grading assignments and working on the following week's lesson plan. you practically had his schedule memorized after coming to study with him so often.

softly knocking on the door, harry lets out a, "come in,"

you enter the office and he smiles at you immediately before it falters, his eyes then landing on the wrapped box in your hands. "surprise," you say with a shy voice.

he lets out a huff, looking back at you with a disbelieving expression. "[y/n]..." he carries off.

"it's just a little something," you say as you walk towards his desk, setting it down carefully in front of him. "a thank you, for last night," you tell him.

his eyes move back and forth from the box to your eyes, not knowing what to say. a few moments pass before he stands. "[y/n], i can't accept this…" he sighs. "what i did last night, i mean…it shouldn't have happened that way," he says curtly.

you tilt your head to catch his gaze, giving him a warm smile. "you did nothing wrong," you reassure him. you gesture to the gift. "please," you insist.

harry's shoulders relax, giving you an embarrassed smile as he slides the box closer to him, admiring the wrapping. "this is gorgeous, did you do this?" he asks, pointing at the sparkly ribbon and personalized name card. you proudly smile and nod your head.

harry admires it for another moment before carefully untying the ribbon and lifting the lid off the box. he gasps at what he sees.

a signed, hardcover, gold leaf detailed first edition defense against the dark arts textbook from his favorite auror. he had talked to you about seeing it at the bookshop but not wanting to spend the money or not having the place to display it or whatever his excuse was. you had taken note of this comment and when you saw it wasn't as expensive as harry had made it seem you knew it was perfect.

"[y/n]...you didn't…" he utters, practically falling back in his chair as he continues to stare at the cover. you giggle fondly at his reaction. "go ahead, open it up," you tell him excitedly. he can hardly move, but he eventually takes the book out of the box and admires it in his hands. he flips the cover open, sees the signature, and smiles. then, he looks at the inside of the cover and his expression drops.

"i had it personalized, if that's okay with you," you ask anxiously. on the inside of the leather bound cover you had a pressing engraved that said 'harry james potter'.

harry's in shock, his fingers running across the pressing softly. "[y/n], this is…" he trails off, continuing to admire the book as he flips through it, landing back on the inside cover, admiring his name once more.

"thank you." harry says, looking at you with so much love in his eyes it makes your heart burst. it was worth every penny seeing him in awe in front of you like this.

"well, thank you," you respond, smiling, holding your arms behind your back.

harry abruptly stands up, stepping around his desk and pulling you in for a desperate hug. you're a bit surprised, your arms wrapping around his waist as he continues to pull you closer and closer.

after a minute or so of the most comforting hug you've experienced outside of last night in that hallway, harry separates from you only slightly to look down at you. your faces are close enough to feel the breath of the other person.

you just want to tell him, 'fuck it, who cares, nobody's here, just kiss me, please, release this tension', but before you can even consider it, harry breaks the silence.

"i still love you," he says so softly, his face wincing as the words fall from his lips. your breath hitches. love?

"fuck," harry mutters, almost stepping away from you until you pull him closer to you, putting your lips close enough to his they're nearly touching. "please. kiss me. just kiss me. please." you practically beg, your hand finding its way to harry's neck.

"[y/n], we can't, i can't–" "just once, please, maybe it'll stop if we just, please…" you interrupt him, hoping he understands what you're implying, your noses rubbing together.

harry takes a few moments before practically whimpering as he connects your lips to his, wrapping you in his arms tightly. you immediately melt into him, letting the kiss consume you as your hands pull harry closer to you.

it only takes a few seconds before harry has you up on his desk, his hands gripping your ass under your skirt. the cold of the wood on your exposed skin makes you gasp, and harry's tongue quickly slips past your lips.

it's everything you imagined, and the fact that this is happening in his office is just making you even more turned on. you had played this scenario in your head so many times, and it hardly felt real once it was actually happening. and on the desk you spent so many hours at, pining over him and fantasizing him taking you like he is right now.

after a few minutes of making out and needy groping through your clothes, harry pulls away breathlessly. opening your eyes you see he's completely flushed, his hair slightly messy as he nervously takes his hands off you.

you awkwardly clear your throat, your hands falling to your sides and resting back on the desk. harry takes a step away, straightening his tie and fixing his hair. you hop off his desk and adjust your skirt.

the silence between you is awkward, but there's just nothing to say. the kiss only left you wanting more, of course, it was pointless to ever hope it would quell your feelings in some way.

"well," harry begins, his voice shaky and quiet. "that didn't work."

you let out a nervous laugh, coughing to cover it up. "yeah…sorry." you mumble.

harry sighs. "no, i'm sorry. i'm technically your superior, i shouldn't be doing this to you. leading you on, flirting with you, for fuck's sake, following you around after hours…"

you shake your head. "look, i'm not kissing professor potter, okay? i like you, harry. i've liked you since i was 13. i don't want to ruin your position here either, and i'll stop if that's what you truly want…" you choke up just a bit before swallowing it back. "but, just, please, stop blaming yourself. i want this, too."

the silence returns, harry clearly thinking over what you said as his eyes stare off beside you. you're anxiously shifting your weight, watching his face get lost in his own thoughts.

"i can't risk this job," harry says finally. "i don't give a shit about the money, pay me everything in the world i would still want you…" he mumbles. you feel your stomach drop at this sentiment. you want him so, so badly. but…

"but…" harry says.

you smile at him sadly, knowing what's coming. "i can't let down bill, or mcgonagall, or any professors or students here who may actually still like me," he says with a dry laugh. "if we ever got caught, and i just know we would, and what would happen to you…i just–" "i know, harry," you interrupt him, taking a small step towards him.

he smiles at you sadly as well. "and i agree. it's not worth it. well, you're worth it, of course…" you say shyly, diverting your gaze before continuing. "but, it's too risky. you deserve to finish out this semester without that hanging over your head, y'know?"

harry stares at you lovingly, no attempt to hide his adoration for you in this moment. "you're truly incredible. you know that?" harry comments softly.

you respond by blushing and crossing your arms. he hums softly, his smile taking over his cheeks. "thank you, really, for everything, if things were any different, i wish…" harry stumbles. you smile at him again. "i know."

harry returns to his gift, admiring the book in his hands over and over before putting it on the bookshelf next to his desk. he admires it there for a while as well before thanking you again.

as you're getting ready to leave, harry stops you for a moment. "if you don't mind, i'd still love to help you in your other classes. and, just, remain friendly in general still, if possible…"

you melt again at his soft demeanor. harry's such a sweetheart it's heartbreaking. all you want is to kiss him again. it's all you've wanted since he stopped.

"of course."

it's the end of the semester, and you have mixed feelings about it. on one hand you're dying for a break from classes. you've done the best you have in years this semester, and it's exhausted you. but you're incredibly grateful, for a lot of things. your new friends, your rediscovered love for hogwarts and magic in general, your overall improved attitude and mentality.

with special thanks to a certain substitute professor…

harry. this semester was definitely a rollercoaster for you when it came to harry. though, towards the end, things fell into place a bit more as you both accepted and embraced your odd, yet effective routine. professional student-professor relationship in public; smitten, teasingly love-sick old classmates in the comfort of his office walls. nothing further than lingering hands, loving stares, and the occasional compliment towing the line of what's inappropriate and what isn't.

though the dynamic wasn't ideal, you grew to love it for what it was. a simple, longing love that wasn't exactly unspoken anymore, but sure felt like it each passing day as you both pretended that kiss never happened.

that kiss. you swear you think about it every day. you long for harry to grab you like that again, to slip his tongue past your lips again…sometimes, late at night, it's all you can think about. sometimes just the thought of it makes you need to touch yourself, remembering how desperate he was for you, the feeling of his lips on yours, sitting on his desk in his office, just the image of it from outside of your own perspective could bring you to your orgasm alone in your room.

to say you were anxiously counting down the days until classes were over and harry technically wasn't employed with hogwarts anymore was an understatement. though you hadn't spoken about it with him, you felt it was okay to maybe consider that he would want to continue things further with you once his substitution was over. you kept your guard up as you knew he could still be uncomfortable with it while you were a student in general. but a large portion of you was practically praying that wasn't the case. you physically couldn't resist him much longer.

you were staying on campus for christmas this year, mostly just to savor your last holiday here, but also to continue seeing harry if possible.

it was the last day of classes, and you learned you passed all your exams with flying colors. you showed up to dark arts class early to inform harry excitedly, and he congratulated you with the same level of excitement.

"i knew you could do it! i told you you were smart." he beams. "i am so, so proud of you, [y/n]."

you want to hug him so badly, he's helped you so much this semester, you wouldn't have cared enough to try and get these kinds of grades without his guidance. but it's too public, and the risk is too high, so you just settle on an awkward high five and laugh emptily.

as other students walk in, you both pretend the moment never happened, and you sit in your seat without looking up from the floor.

the class is simple and rather uneventful as it's mostly everyone's last class of the semester. harry actually hands out christmas cookies hagrid made for everyone, and they're mediocre in taste, but the designs are so adorable you can't resist finishing it.

harry gives you all a speech thanking the class for trusting him to teach this semester, and for being respectful of him and professor weasley's lessons. he talks about how he's always thought about being a professor, but actually ended up despising the paperwork, and just missed his old job, which caused the class to chuckle with him.

he dismissed everyone with a happy christmas, specifically towards you, of course.

your heart aches a little as you leave the classroom and head to your room. you're going to miss harry as a professor, even if it caused complications in other aspects, it was inspiring to see him be so intelligent, helpful, and supportive in class. of course you were biased, you always found him to be amazing, but something about watching him teach a young wizard how to do a spell correctly for the first time just made you admire him so deeply.

you decided to rest for the night, knowing harry would be here for at least another day to collect all his items and clean the classroom up for professor weasley. you could talk to him then, what exactly about you weren't sure just yet, but you knew you had to tie up these loose ends before they drove you mad.

the next afternoon, you're practically one of the only students roaming the halls. most everyone leaves the first day of break to go home, and by christmas there's only a handful of students left.

arriving at harry's office door, you admire it one last time. your little sanctuary away from the world.

you knock, but to your dismay, there's no answer.

you knock again, a bit louder, but still, nothing. you decide to peak in, and notice how barren the desk looks from afar.

fuck. there's no way harry's left without speaking to you first.

you quickly walk to the dark arts classroom just down the hall, hoping he's cleaning and organizing it, but find it empty and dark. your heart sinks. he's gone.

you slowly walk back to your room, deciding you'll grab your coat and visit hagrid to see if harry's with him there. you try not to let your disappointment overcome you, there's still a chance you could talk to him…

entering your room, you immediately head for your coat rack by the window. you start to slip it on when you hear your door close, knowing you left it open on purpose to quickly leave.

you turn around, and it's harry.

you gasp, immediately dropping the coat and running to him, jumping into a hug. he laughs at your reaction, but embraces you nonetheless.

"hi, love," he says softly, resting his head on top of yours. you could hardly contain yourself at the pet name. it communicated so much to you with so little effort.

you look up at him, barely able to believe what's happening. harry looks at you knowingly. this unspoken tension. it was going to be the death of you.

as harry begins leaning in, you crash your lips together with his, immediately engulfing him into a heated, wanting, needing kiss.

harry's more than happy to give in to you. it's clear he's thought about this just as much as you have. he finished all his professor duties as soon as he could so he could officially, finally, be yours.

you guide harry to your bed, pushing him onto it as he gives you an impressed look, clearly intrigued by your repressed desperation.

you crawl onto his lap, immediately pulling him back into the kiss. harry's hands are all over you, finally, after fantasizing about it every night in this very same bed for months.

the kiss is desperate, full of moaning and getting sloppier by the minute. harry's squeezing and slapping your ass so hard you whimper in his arms, your hands gripping his button up tightly.

"fuck, [y/n], need you so bad, please," harry moans into your kiss, his hands sliding up your back. you reach to take your shirt off, left in just a bra and tiny skirt, as you start untying his tie and unbuttoning his shirt.

harry's staring at you with hunger in his eyes. "do you even understand how badly i've wanted you? you and these fucking skirts, you must think i'm stupid." he growls, pulling at the hem of your skirt. you blush and stifle a giggle, overwhelmed with how insanely hot you found this to be.

"think that's funny? you think it was funny when i had to stand in class all day and not stare at your perfect legs through your robe? anytime i gave a lecture and just looking at you turned you into a needy slut," harry grabs your hair, turning your attention to him as he unbuttons the rest of his shirt with his other hand. "was that fun for you, hm? did you enjoy teasing me all semester?"

you can't say anything. all you can do is nod. you were so turned on you could hardly think straight.

"i bet it was," he says, examining your desperate expression, his words dripping with desire.

he pulls you in for another kiss, and you help him take off his shirt. his skin was warm, soft, and his shoulders were broad. you moved your lips to his neck, leaving an obvious bite just below his collar to finally mark what was yours.

harry groans, his hands reaching behind your back to swiftly undo your bra. he helps pull it off of you, marveling at your chest. "beautiful," he tells you before attaching his lips to your skin. you hold his head against you, savoring the feeling and sight of harry leaving hickeys along the soft skin of your boobs.

his hand cups one softly as his tongue circles your nipple, watching you through his glasses as you melt into his hands. "harry…" you moan, your hand running through his soft hair.

he continues, starting to suck on your nipple softly with closed eyes, his other hand pulling up your skirt to feel your wetness through your panties.

you immediately whimper and lean into harry's touch, desperate for this for so long. "f-fuck," you stutter breathlessly.

harry smiles, taking his lips off of you to look up at your blushing face. "so wet already," he smirks.

you cover his face with your hands, embarrassed, giggling, continuing to further lean into his hand for pleasure.

he laughs and removes your hands, his eyes full of lust just looking at you in his lap.

"i need you, now," he insists, pushing you further onto his growing erection through his slacks. you let out a breathy moan feeling just how hard he is already. he's just as desperate as you've been for him.

"is that okay?" he asks carefully, watching for your reaction. you laugh a bit. "please. i've waited long enough." you joke.

you help harry take his pants and boxers off, as well as your skirt and panties, leaving you both naked in your room.

he sat back down on the bed, and invited you into his lap again. "just like this is perfect," he says, guiding your hips and admiring your body as you sit with his cock between you two, your eyes barely able to look away from it.

harry pulls you in for a kiss, his hands traveling over your body and stopping at your pussy again, his hand feeling just how wet you are. he moans into your kiss along with you and begins to slip his fingers inside of you, slowly, letting you react to him.

harry pushes further and further into you until you're practically riding his hand, your kiss barely kept together with you bouncing, desperate for more. "please," you insist, your hand gently grasping for his precum soaked cock.

harry smiles, gently pulling his fingers away before letting you guide yourself onto him. slowly at first, you enjoy the feeling of harry's cock stretching you open, whimpering as he watches you intently, his hands supporting your hips. eventually you feel yourself take him completely, your hips flush with his as you start to slowly grind your hips up and down.

harry's a mess, barely able to hold himself together just watching you adjust to his cock. your face twisting in pleasure, your soft whimpers, the tight feeling of your pussy squeezing around him, it was almost too much already.

"fuck, baby," harry's moaning, his hands gripping your hips for sanity. you can't help but giggle, you just love seeing him like this for you after dreaming about it for so long. he's so lost in pleasure already, his jaw slack and eyes dropping.

"i-i'm already, fuck [y/n], you're just so," harry can barely get the words out. hearing him moan your name so filthily motivated you to move your hips quicker, letting your tits bounce in his face as you continued to pick up speed.

"fuck, fuck, fuck," harry's panicking, you can tell he's already trying to hold back his orgasm. you find it extremely hot just how quickly you can bring him to this point. so hot it brings you closer to your orgasm with him, putting your hands on his face to look up at you.

"you feel so fucking good, harry," you tell him, your head rolling back in pleasure. he's in awe of you, his eyes memorizing every single inch of you as you continue to ride him.

"please, please, can you, um…" he takes a second between his words to moan. "please, can you call me professor potter…" he asks, clearly embarrassed by the request.

you rub his blushing cheeks between your hands, his question only making you more turned on. you loved knowing he was just as into the teacher/student dynamic as you had been.

"your cock feels so…so fucking good inside of me, professor potter," you moan, resting your forehead against harry's as you slow your pace, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of him.

harry's eyes roll back, sinful moans escaping his lips as his head falls forward, watching you ride him slowly as he begins slightly thrusting up into you. he looks back up at your eyes, exasperated. "i'm gonna cum if you don't stop," he quietly warns you, clearly feeling a bit guilty at his eagerness.

you smile. "please, please cum for me professor. i've been such a good girl for you this semester, haven't i?" you tease him.

harry groans pathetically. "so, so good," his eyes are closed, his face twisting with each thrust. "then cum for me, please, give it to me," you beg him, your hands gripping his shoulders as you feel your stomach tensing from your own orgasm.

harry's eyes pop open, his gaze on you softening as his hands find your waist, gripping onto you desperately. "[y/n]..." he moans your name again, and you can feel yourself tipping over the edge. your pace becomes a bit slower as your legs start shaking.

harry moans as he starts to spill inside of you, the warm sensation fueling your orgasm as you both hold onto each other tightly, riding out your highs together.

after a few moments of slow grinding and weak kissing, you carefully stand up from your position on harry's lap. you guide him to your bathroom, where you help each other clean up, with a few more inevitable kisses and longing hugs along the way.

you get dressed into different clothes, and offer harry some as well. he declines, instead putting his clothes back on as he tells you he has to bring all his supplies back to his house.

you help him button his shirt back up and tie his tie before pushing yourself to ask the dreaded question you didn't want to know the answer to.

"so," you say softly. "what now?"

harry looks down at you lovingly, but he isn't quite smiling. "well, i'm no longer employed here," he states. you nod your head slowly, allowing him to continue.

"so, while it's not technically wrong, i'd still like to try and take this off campus, if possible," harry chuckles.

you give him a surprised look. "you want to see me again?" you ask quietly. harry can't help but laugh at you, kissing your forehead as he holds your cheek.

"you have no idea," is all he says before he leans in for another kiss, holding you close, knowing you're finally his.

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sunnie-angel · 5 months ago

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Part 2: The Decision

part 1 | part 3 | series masterlist | ao3 link

jason todd x f!reader

summary: jason todd easily sees the potential for something more in his friendship with you but resolves to keep his distance.

tags: fluff, self-loathing, off-screen killing

rated explicit (mdni) | wc: 2.8k

a/n: sooo i had planned to get the second chapter out much sooner, wrote it, realized that what i had planned for chapter 3 worked better, had to rewrite chapter 3 as chapter 2, and ended up here (cue the internal screaming). on the upside, that means you’ll all get an update on chapter 3 (formerly chapter 2) much sooner.

Jason Todd has somehow gotten back on track to graduate university, fallen in with a group of friends, and may have found the first person to truly understand him this side of the Pit. He’d been uncertain about finishing university, already dealing with the hassle of running a criminal empire and the tattered threads of his family relationships. But Talia had suggested, “Better not to be consumed by revenge so that one may properly enjoy its results,” and that had been all it took to convince him. Barbara, for all their problems still unresolved, had helped him hide the decision from the bats and hadn’t that been a lovely conversation to have?

Sitting in class that first day had been strange, a sense of deja vu hitting him of all the times he’d sat in classrooms before. A different person answers now when he’s called on to introduce Jason Todd. As part of his time with the League, Talia had arranged for him to take courses by correspondence but none of that had prepared him for it would be like to be in a classroom with a handful of 20-somethings. It makes him feel old to hear them discuss their plans for the future with the surety of a world that will shape itself to their expectations. If he’s honest with himself, it also makes him envious.

He hadn’t expected to be invited to lunch that first day, though he’d at least seen the blonde’s approach. It had been… nice to be noticed, like he was any other 22 year old new to campus and looking for friends. What had really caught Jason’s eye though was Danika’s (that’s what her name was, right?) friend, standing a few rows back. She’d looked downright mortified by her friend’s antics but had smiled tentatively at him anyway. He’d rushed through his meeting with Dr. Okafor, really just confirming a time to discuss his credit transfers. Clearly he’s interrupted yet another embarrassing moment for you, but you handle it with a grace that rivals only Alfred’s ability to deal with inconvenient situations.

That intrigues him though, your kindness even when uncomfortable. Finding out you’re from home, another Crime Alley kid that defied the odds but never forgot your roots endears you to him even more. You bite back, take the attention away from him when you see how flustered he is by Lina calling him pretty and he’s determined now to make you a friend.

You’re smaller than he thought once you’re finally sitting next to him. He’s acutely aware of how the booth forces the two of you together, the long length of him pressed up against your side. The way your knee knocks into his thigh and the soft cushion of where your hip meets his. You’re one of his already, one of those that the Red Hood has claimed as under his protection, but the reality of you drives home who his work is really helping. Your mention of food pulls him out of his thoughts and scrambling to rectify the situation by offering to share his own. He’s positively delighted by your reaction, the way your compliments freely given still have a bite to them that’s honest. A warmth in his stomach that doesn’t originate from the spices in his meal only makes him want to figure out more ways to draw you out of your shell.

You share another class with him in the afternoon and he’s thanking whichever lucky star is smiling down at him that he’ll get you to himself at least once a week for the next few months. Walking into class with an acquaintance, though maybe it's too soon to call you that, is everything he wanted in the time from Before. Lost day dreams of sharing a desk with a friend in high school, hanging out together after, longings for in-jokes and shared histories are rearing their heads. Class passes quickly, a flurry of information and a hyper awareness of how close his body is to yours. It’s only an introductory class, but already he can tell that you’re clever from the few times you speak up. Makes him look forward to the next class when he’d never planned for academics to be his priority.

Class lets out into the evening air just starting to turn crisp with a hint of dampness. He’ll have to go soon, get started with patrol now that darkness was coating the city. He turns to you and distracts himself from the strip of skin where your shirt rides up as you stretch by asking you about your plans for the evening. Walking you to the bus stop is nice, in a quiet kind of way. He stays until he’s sure you’re safely on the bus, doors closing with a pneumatic hiss. Walks off the path and out of the halo of the street lamp until the shadows have swallowed him whole. Takes care to check that no one’s looking and scales the side of the building, gothic stonework rough under his bare palms. Scans the horizon until he’s found your bus again and goes to follow. Thinks that maybe the paranoia that had persuaded him to pack most of his Hood gear in a school bag isn’t the worst thing to suffer from. It’s overboard yeah, but you’re a pretty girl planning to walk alone at night. He just wants to make sure that you get home all right. You weren’t exaggerating when you said the bus stop was only a block from your apartment, but he still breathes easier when he sees the warm glow of lamp light click on through your apartment window. You should have better locks on your window if it’s looking out onto a fire escape, he thinks idly. But its a problem for later and when he’s got a more solid reason to bring it up.

Patrol is quiet most of the night. Buoyed by the unexpected success of the day, his usual route feels brand new. He takes pleasure in the way the wind picks up his jacket and whips it around him, almost laughs out loud at the way his stomach swoops before the grappling line pulls taut. Jason’s managed a full day of normalcy, something that no one thought he could do. Not after everything. He’d talked to people his age that for once weren’t the victim of some terrible crime and came away with the potential for friendships. It’s been a long time since he’s had more than a work related conversation with his men or a cryptic conversation with Talia he doesn’t count all the arguments with his fath— with Bruce. For the first time in a long time being the Hood isn’t the burden it had become. The peace doesn’t last for long though.

A whisper of black fabric on a rooftop just outside of the territory he’s established brings him crashing back down, a reminder of just how badly his attempts at anything other than solitude have fractured. It’s a bracing kind hurt, like when the air’s too cold after a snowfall and you can practically taste the ice crystals as they tear into the soft heat of your lungs. He needs it though, that reminder that no one who knows him is capable of seeing him without the siren call of suspicion following him. That thought follows him through the rest of patrol and the mechanical motions of getting to bed. It solidifies as he drifts off to sleep just as the first rays of light start to clear the skyline. He’ll grasp at this chance to be someone else for a bit, Jason Todd the fresh faced student, but that’s all it’ll be. A façade to keep everyone else from getting too close. Danika, Will, “call me Lina”, Rei, even you. Friends, but at a distance.

Jason doesn’t have any classes on Tuesday, but he runs into you as he exits his meeting with Dr. Okafor. It’s a new building to him, despite the time he’s spent pouring over all of the campus’ blueprints. He turns a corner on a staircase looking for an exit and almost knocks you back down where you’d just emerged from.

“Hey! Are you blind or— oh. Jason.” Your tone goes from indignant to wondering in a second, eyes wide with recognition.

“Not blind, but definitely not paying enough attention. You good though?” And he should probably be a little more sorry about it, but the glee of not having to wait until the next week to see you again outweighs it.

“Oh after the class I just had, it’d take a lot more than that to ruin my day.” A group tries to pass you two on the stairs, buffets the two of you into the railing.

“You wanna take this somewhere else? Give me another chance to ruin your day?” He grins, lopsided but hopeful.

You nod, and he leads the way, hulking figure cutting through the stream of people. He finds a nook on the first floor, big overstuffed chairs surprisingly empty for this time of day. You throw yourself into a chair dramatically, a sigh on your lips as your head tilts back.

“Class really that bad?” He prompts you.

“God I hate assholes that manage to make the most interesting subject painful. Like, at least wait until the second class before you start telling every single student their interpretation is wrong.” You swipe a hand across your face before visibly trying to pull yourself back together. “But as much as I hate Duvall’s teaching it’s mandatory for my program so I’m just gonna have to put up with his shit until next semester. Get my revenge during prof evaluations.”

“Look we don’t know each other that well, but by my reckonin’ you know what you’re on about. Don’t let him shake you, yeah?”

“Oh I know all about not listening to people that think my opinion isn’t worth the paper it’s written on. It just pisses me off that I still gotta deal with it every week for the foreseeable future.”

“Hey I’m all ears.” He offers, and it’s not entirely altruistic. Jason wants to support you, but it’s also a chance to learn more about you. It’s all a chance to be regular civilian he tells himself, and a civilian would do this for a friend.

“I’d love to but I think it’s right about—“ and the alarm on your phone sounds out, “yep, its about time for me to head to my internship.” You start to gather your things together. “But usually our group gets together on Wednesday afternoons to grab lunch and study together. We usually grab the same table in the student union around noon if you want to join us.”

Jason does join the study session, not that he needs to. But it's nice to spend time with people who like who they think he is. He arrives just as you slide into the booth, secures himself the seat next you (and the rest of the bench for himself). Your hair falls as you spread out your books and Jason’s close enough to smell whatever product you used last. It dazes him for a minute, and its only the arrival of Lina and Rei that shakes him out of his stupor. He starts up a conversation with Rei on the Gotham U swim team and gets roped in to come practice with him sometime next week. Not to be out done, Lina gently starts asking him how he’s settling in. He answers noncommittally, more focused on the way you’ve started to twirl your pen between your fingers as you come across a particularly dense passage. Seeming to understand that she won’t get much more out of Jason, Lina nudges Rei and they turn to their own books, though not without a tight-lipped and knowing smile on her face. The four of you work in silence broken only by the scribbling of pens and clacking of keyboards. Danika and Will turn up just as your stomach starts rumbling, causing you to meet Jason’s eyes in embarrassment.

He winks at you, before pulling out two Tupperware containers with chopsticks. Sliding one over to you he pretends not to notice as at first you protest, then guiltily start digging in as soon as you smell it.

Brandishing your chopsticks at him, you say “Don’t think I’m not keeping score mister. This has got to count as psychological warfare, there’s no way a sane person could turn you down after tasting your food once.”

He tucks a smile away and simply keeps eating. Will drags over some chairs for him and Danika, the one extra person throwing off your previously established seating arrangements. Conversation buzzes at the other end of the table but he can’t tear his attention away from you enjoying the labours of his hands. Eventually the table turns back to studying and you slide the container back to him with murmured words of thanks. Even you can only study for so long, so it's no great surprise when your books softly thump closed. You rest your forehead on the table and groan.

“Why is there so much reading? It’s only the first week back.”

“Ooooh, you know what that means though?” Danika exclaims. “We have to celebrate the first week back and that means going out! We’ll get dressed up, I’ll do your makeup, we can pregame at mine. You know you want to.” She wheedles.

You mock groan at her pronouncement, turn to rest your temple on the table to make eye contact with her. “Lina does my makeup and we’re done by 1 AM.”

“Awe, killjoy,” the blonde pouts.

“Lina does my makeup, Jason’s in charge of picking the post-club takeout, and we’re done by 2 AM. Final offer.”

Lina grins at Jason before shrugging. “Fine by me.”

Jason’s not sure what to expect when he shows up to the address Danika had sent through the group text. It’s a nicer part of town, a part of Gotham Heights he’s had no reason to visit as either of his identities. The doorman lets him in without too much fuss once Danika calls down to confirm he’s expected. She lets him in excitedly, limbs uncoordinated with the help of a few drinks. Rei leans forward to pour Jason a drink and at the same time you turn to look for who had arrived. The first thing Jason notices is the shiny red lip gloss you’re wearing as your lips spread into a smile at the sight of them. Something about the colour, bolder than you usually wear, sends heat straight to his groin. He hadn’t even realized that his hearing had gone muffled until Rei asks him for a second time how many shots Jason wants in his drink. Oh, he thinks distractedly. This could be a problem.

It definitely is a problem when he’s washing blood off his hands in the early hours of the morning and the only thing he can think of is that same cherry red lip gloss wrapped around the straw of your drink under the club’s strobing lights. How you’d looked up at him with pupils dilated from the drink and the heat, lips parted and gloss catching the light. The self-loathing hits then, crippling in its intensity. You’re smart and funny and so pretty it makes his breath catch. The last thing you need is him fantasizing after you less than an hour after he’d taken a life. The colour of a man’s life blood shouldn’t be causing him desperate to see if you’d taste as sweet as you look. It’s selfish and cowardly but he doesn’t want to give you up just yet. Doesn’t want to see the little smiles and commiserating looks turn to fear and hatred just yet. No, he can do this. He can smile and play nice, play at the Jason Todd you deserve. The one that won’t make you worry or hurt you with the truth of himself. Rules, he decides, rules are what he needs because it’s oh so easy to get caught up in you.

He can get close, but he can’t touch. It doesn’t matter how soft your skin looks or how tempting it would be to play with your hair. If he lets himself touch he is lost.

He will never let himself enter your home. He’s already followed you there, it’s a lost cause to pretend that he won’t check up on your safety. Better to decide now to never cross that final threshold.

He won’t let you in. He’ll be the best friend he is capable of being but he won’t let you see the truth of him. After all, it’s what’s sent those that know him running.

He will never tell you that he’s ever thought about anything more than friendship.

Part 3

#jason todd x reader #jason todd x you #jason todd x y/n #jason todd fanfiction #red hood x reader #red hood x you #red hood fic #jason todd fic #jason todd headcanon #sunnie writes 🌻#ydcmb (uibyt) series

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syndromestatic · 22 days ago

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Something I’ve been thinking about… because of recent moominous events & also the classes I’m taking:

Queer artistry is so so special. & when a queer artist creates something, it resonates with other queer people. The art becomes inherently queer. I think it could probably be debated if all art made by a queer person is, necessarily, queer- separation of art and artist and all that- but at least I think that’s the case.

The question is: does this remain the case after the artist is gone and their art is altered? You probably see where I’m going with this. We think of these characters as inherently queer because of their long and storied history, but at the same time, we know that Moominvalley has changed these characters, too. I’m not going to definitively state that they’re made… not queer, because I don’t believe that to be fully true, but if fundamental aspects of their character and how we perceive it can be changed, can their queerness be so as well? And if the queerness is not erased, then what is it? tamped down? undermined? mishandled?

& Maybe this is the point where you go “okay static it’s not that deep” but I really do think it is! Moominvalley 2019 mishandles a lot of things, i daresay even skirts around the queerness of itself without fully leaving it out. Here is my main case: If they were going to be more explicit with Moomin and Snufkin’s queercoding, that very much should have been followed through with. & let’s speak on how much Moominvalley played around with and constantly changed the nature of Snorkmaiden and Moomin’s romantic relationship with little to no actual explanation or context? Guys I don’t know. It’s odd, it’s weird, and it certainly doesn’t sit right with me.

To me, Season 3 left off in a place where Snufkin and Moomin’s relationship was at it’s tipping point between romantic and platonic- the season literally ends with them arm and arm- And that’s why season 4 falls flat in the demonstration of their relationship. I never expected season 4 to deliver on that front in the first place- by season 2 I felt that the Moomin/Snufkin moments were heavy handed and a bit too forced to be completely natural, and I knew it wasn’t about to become explicitly canon in the first place because Moomin and Snufkin never have been- but to me it’s about follow through and writing, and the fact they were dropping such obnoxious hints only for that tension to be dropped last season feels like both a cop-out, and perhaps even intentional.

The contemporary Moomin boom occurred in 2019, in the wake of the series. Shippers went wild. absolutely nuts. If Moomin has no fans, the world is dead, but this definitely contributed to a spike in viewership. and listen. Season 1 had its flaws but if every season onwards was of the same quality, and each season included the snufmin subtext only as much as season 1, I would not be upset right now. I do, in fact, believe, that the queer fanbase of this show was teased and strung along with the Moomin/Snufkin relationship. And I think the way it was handled in season 4 was due to the fact that they wouldn’t need that part of the show to, excuse my terminology, bait viewers along because it was the last season. Obviously this is all speculation, but I really don’t think it’s all that unlikely. And I’m not even saying that it’s strictly the writers’ fault, but I think there was someone in power who let the queer shit- the shit was was just obvious enough to give young queer viewers fuel- pass by for as long as it was useful, but by no means could the show surpass a certain limit.

Ahem anyways I love Moomins and I dislike Moominvalley 2019… for many reasons but also for this… sorry for incoherencies, typos, the like.

#moomin #snufmin #moominvalley spoilers #moominvalley season 4

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blu3-j · 2 years ago

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Welcome...Home..?

Overworked! GN! Reader x Welcome Home Crew

Chapter 3

Tw: Break down (Reader experiences a small break down), overall a bit of crying

Hoo, boy! This one's a long one! Strap in everybody!

So, as we left off, reader gets introduced to their...interesting situation, but doesn't have much time to process it before having to head in to work. What happens when the reader actually has a moment to process it? But the reader's not the only one in the story! The entire crew is here! So, how are they dealing with this stressful new situation?

Chapter 1 l Chapter 2 l Chapter 3 l Chapter 4

The day had gone by busy as usual. The restaurant was so busy that you were barely able to squeeze in a break. Just a small part of your shift, 2 buses had stopped by within the first few hours of you clocking in. Why, in all the world's name, did people decide to take a bus to a restaurant this early in the morning??? While one of your managers was kind enough, the other never bothered to care about anything more than their basic job, deciding to stay in the back office and never leaving unless a customer requested to see them. Any coworkers that had any sort of complaint or wanted to take a break were directed to the other manager. Thank god the nice manager was on today. It was torture when it was just the lousy one.

As for your classes, you only had one today. When you first scheduled your classes, you made note to keep them simple as they could easily pile up. What you didn't take into account was how busy work would be, and the class itself was labor intensive and required you to talk to so many people. You scheduled this class to be on its own for a reason, but it still dragged you down six feet under for energy.

The day felt as though it was never going to end. Little did you know, a little surprise waited for you when you finally found time to eat your packed lunch. A little note sat on the top of the simple meal, folded neatly with a caterpillar doodle drawn on the top fold.

"Y/N, it's wonderful to get to meet you! I knew you were a hard worker when I saw how peaceful you were sleeping this morning. According to your calendar, you're even busier than me! I noticed how dirty the house was, so I cleaned up a little. I hope you don't mind! You seemed so exhausted, and it's the least I can do to help make your already busy life easier. I hope you have a great day, shrimp! Make your day worth it to you! We're so proud of you, already! Signed, Howdy P."

It was small, but his written words made your day a little bit brighter. You almost found yourself smiling. The paper crinkled as you folded it up gently and put it in your pocket.

By the end of the day, you were once again exhausted---more than that, actually. It wasn't uncommon for you to be barely walking from exhaustion at the end of the day, and as much as you so dearly wanted to go home, the moment you sat down in the driver seat of your car you hesitated to turn the ignition key. The puppets were still there. Waiting for you. While you didn't think they would hurt you, your stomach twisted and churned at the idea of having to face that entire problem that you've been running from all day.

So you didn't.

Rather, you drove to the nearby library. By now the sun was already setting, and a little voice in the back of your mind urged you to go home. "Maybe you'll have some free time to do what you want," it whispered. "Maybe you'll have time to play some video games or go on a walk down that old path you used to love so much." But you didn't listen.

The bell above the door rang as you walked in. Unlike most libraries, it had a small cafe cove in the corner for those like you: completely exhausted and in college. It wasn't too far from the college you attended---just a block or two away---it was maybe a 5--10 minute walk at most from the college's main entrance to there. But you were tired enough as is, and walking was something you could barely do at the moment, so your car rested in its small parking lot. As you trudged through the entrance, the cove caught your attention. "Maybe a little bit of caffeine will do me some good."

Due to the lax nature of the building, there weren't many people that crowded the cove, so it didn't take nearly as long to get your coffee/tea as some places in town did. Not that you would know. This cove was the only coffee place you really ever went to for any sort of coffee or tea. Or at least for fresh and ready-to-drink on the go.

The cup warmed your hands as you held it gently to yourself and slowly trudged to a nearby table in the library. "Maybe I could take this chance to finally read that book I've been hearing so many things about." It was decided, then. You dropped your bag on the floor---a bit harder than you meant to---and set your caffeine salvation down to look for the book. When you finally found it, it had been buried in between the various other books; dusty and barely opened. A librarian friend of yours had once recommended it to you months ago, and now you finally set aside the time to read it.

"The Fall of it All" By Robin Feather

You found yourself quickly enthralled by the book. The story was of a servant named Eline serving princess and future queen Cassandra. The young eccentric princess quickly became close to Eline, and very soon began to allude to more secrets within the castle and its royal government. Upon the discovery of each hidden secret, Eline finds themselves further and further trapped in the middle of it all. Eline never once says a thing in the book; rather allowing the other characters and setting to tell the story around them. It brought a surprisingly well twist to the normal story-telling format. By the time you had ripped your attention from the book it was completely dark outside. That little voice in the back of your mind taunted you. "You can't keep running forever."

You sighed, and put a hastily made bookmark in between the pages. Maybe this would be nice to read at home. "And maybe reading it won't bring its characters to real life so they can live in my house." You chuckled at the thought. How ironic the situation you found yourself in was.

Thud.

You threw your empty cup in the trash bin. You had to rummage through your bag, but at the very bottom hid your library card. You wish you had more free time to come here more often like you originally planned, but you didn't have time for much of anything, anymore. The librarian quickly rang it up for you to borrow, and handed the pristine book back to you. With a final heave, you hoisted your bag on your shoulders.

"I can't keep running forever," you mumbled to yourself. It was completely dark out, with the only light being the occasional street lamp and the light from inside the library peeking out its windows. The cover on the book looked appealing, illuminated by the light's warm glow. If only you could just run away and forget it all.

But even Eline had to face their problems.

"I guess I can face mine, too."

The car ride home was quiet, with the radio softly playing whatever was deemed popular enough to bring in listeners. It was peaceful. Too peaceful. Like the calm before the storm. Your heart sank at the thought of facing those puppets again. They act so real...so..alive. Car headlights blinded you again and again as they passed you by, until eventually they were rarely seen on the road at all. Not many ever came up this far. Buildings turned to empty plains and then to forest as the world blurred by. You turned onto an all too familiar dirt road. Every gravel piece that your tires rolled over felt like another nail in the coffin. Another second closer to a dreadful climax.

The house was dark when you finally rolled in your car and parked. Were they asleep? Do they even sleep? Your heavy shoulders relaxed a little upon the thought. Maybe you won't have to face them, afterall. A gentle tired smile graced your face, and with a final sigh, you pulled out your keys and they jingled as you inserted one in the keyhole.

Click!

It was dark and quiet inside. It almost made you want to believe that what had happened this morning hadn't happened at all. Almost. You couldn't see far into the house, but from what you did see, your bookshelf in the hallway had been organized alphabetically, and the dust and webs had been wiped from the tables and nooks. Why is it so quiet? Finally, you closed the door behind you, engulfing you entirely in an inky black.

"SURPRISE!!!" A chorus of voices overwhelmed you, and the lights were turned on. After you recovered from the scare, you noticed how much more...lively the house was. Home-made banners and streamers adorned the ceiling, and colorful balloons and confetti were spread across the floor. One banner in particular read "WELCOME HOME, Y/N!!!" It was so colorful. The lights were so warm. And in the middle of it all stood the ones responsible for it. The cast of colorful puppets you had gotten to somewhat know this morning.

"I...uh..." You stammered, wide-eyed at the scene. How do you react to this? Most of them stayed silent and stared at you with expectant eyes. All for one, however. Julie.

"Y/N, you're finally back! Oh my gosh, we were waiting sooooo long! But you're back now! Wally, Howdy, and Barnaby said how scary this all must be for you like how we're all kinda scared right now, so I thought we could throw a surprise party for you! Oh, we have so much planned!" She dashed to your side and tugged on your shirt, beckoning for you to come forward. She pointed to each puppet as she rambled. "Sally has a short play, Barnaby has a comedy act, Howdy, Poppy, Frank, and me made cookies and cake, and Eddie and Wally made the decorations and some of the games!" A single utterance was made from Frank as she talked, correcting her grammar.

"Howdy, Poppy, Frank, and I. Not me, Julie." Julie paid Frank no mind, too enveloped in her excitement to notice him talk.

It all felt like too much. Too much all at once. Your body took a mind of its own as you excused yourself to the bathroom. When you had dipped out of sight into the hallway, you instead found yourself locking yourself in your bedroom. Before you had even curled yourself up on the floor in front of the door, you heard a voice.

"Y/N?" Wally. He always seemed to know when you were distressed. How? He softly knocked on the door. You didn't have the energy right now. You didn't have the bravery right now. "Please talk to me, Y/N." The room went silent as he paused. You refused to move. "Y/N," He continued. "I know this is scary. I'm scared, too. Please, let me in so we can talk. Or maybe just a hug?" Your face felt hot again. And your chest ached. You buried your face in your knees, feeling them slowly begin to grow warm and wet. Wally's voice turned gentle as he leaned into the door. "It's okay, Y/N. I'm right here." A quiet moment rolled by, then the doorknob turned. But it stopped halfway. You had locked it. Staring at the doorknob, you finally meekly unlocked it before shying away from the doorway and hid your face.

Light poured into the dark room as Wally opened the door. "Wally, is Y/N okay?" Julie called out. Hushed voices filled the hallway and into the bedroom from the living room. Wally stared at you for a moment longer before turning back to the hallway.

"I'm going to talk to Y/N for a bit, okay? Everything's going to be okay." He smiled as Julie mumbled an "okay" and he quietly closed the door. The room was engulfed in darkness once more. "Y/N," the small yellow puppet walked forward and crouched down in an attempt to see your down-turned face. "Oh, Y/N. Dearest Y/N." His felt hand reached up to brush the hair out of your face. "Can you talk to me?" You remained silent, barely glancing at his face before looking away. That's when you felt him push your legs away from your torso and crawl into your lap. You gasped and looked at him, but by the time you saw his face, it was buried in your chest, his arms lay limp at his sides. What was he doing? His monotone robotic laughter echoed through the room. "I don't know how to hug." His eyes looked up into yours as his smile widened and his would-be eyebrows furrowed. "Could you show me?" The ache in your chest was too painful. Too much.

And you broke. You don't know how long it was when you finally stopped crying and loosened your hold on him. You don't know how long it was when he finally spoke up after your quiet restrained sobs stopped. "It's okay. I'm right here." He brushed the tears from your cheeks. He didn't like that his hands were getting wet and your tears would soak deep into his felt and stuffing inside, but he could make a small exception for you. You needed the comfort, and as somebody that you're going to be forced to live with until they can go back to Home, it's the least he could do. You were just as scared as he was. So, for now, he could be the braver one.

You looked into his eyes. Despite them being fake, they felt so comforting to look at. The dark black pools that sucked away the light that shined on them felt familiar. You had seen those same dark eyes in many of your stuffed plushies growing up. You had seen those same dark eyes in the teddy bear your great grandmother gave you when you were little. You hugged Wally close one last time, being more careful to not accidentally hurt the little puppet. "Do they even get hurt?" You brushed the thought to the side. Things are going to be okay. So you took in one last long breath, and wiped your eyes. A smile fell on your face as you looked back down to him. His eyes feel so alive. He is alive. He's just like you. You gently pulled him off your lap and stood up and reached for the door. The doorknob felt so cold. The hushed voices continued on the other side of the door. Your stomach churned again.

"It's okay." Wally watched you carefully. His small hand grasped yours and he squeezed. His favorite thing to do, it seemed. "I'm right here with you. You don't have to be scared."

So you took that final leap, and opened the door. Eyes were instantly on the two of you the moment light seeped into the room. Julie was on the couch with Eddie, the short puppet with a star/sun shaped head, and the large blue dog you hadn’t met yet attempting to comfort her. Frank was busy reading another book, but occasionally glancing at Julie, his furrowed brows raising and his frown twitching down a smidge every time he did. Poppy and Howdy were talking to one another closely a bit away from everyone else. Everyone looked to you. Things were quiet. The air was heavy.

Then Julie hopped up from her spot on the couch and ran over. "Y/N!!" She hugged your legs and buried her face. "I'm so so sorry!! I thought if we did a party, everything would be okay and everyone would be happy but you weren't and you ran away and we were all so worried for you and I'M SO SORRY!" She wailed into the side of your pants as she gripped you tighter, apologizing over and over and over. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came. So you bent down to her level instead and hugged her close. She really was worried. You found yourself glancing at the others. All of them were.

When Julie's rambling seemed to continue (how in all goodness was she not out of breath yet?) you took it as a sign to interrupt her.

"It's okay, Julie. You're right. I'm scared, too. I was so overwhelmed when I came back that I wanted to run away again. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help. I don't even know how you all can even exist here!" You chuckled as you pulled away to look her in the face. Your voice was shaky and quiet, but she could hear you. And she did. Her eyes sparkled. Just as always. Your vision began to go blurry again, and your face felt hot. "I've been trying to avoid you guys all day! When I got done with work and school, I went to the library instead. I was too scared. But I had to come home. I had to face everything. I had to face you guys, and I was too scared to go through with it." You wiped your eyes. Everything was crushing in on you again. Julie touched your arm. You're not alone. She's here. Wally's here. Everyone's here. "But I'm going to be brave now."

Her smile grew, and her eyes sparkled more. How is that even possible? Her arms quickly wrapped around you. Everything felt lighter now. The tension was still there, but things weren't caving in on you anymore. "This is going to take a long while to get used to."

Julie spoke up, her voice barely a whisper. "Then I'll be brave with you."

The rest of the night blurred by. You finally were able to be formally introduced to the final three you hadn’t met this morning. The blue dog is Barnaby, a jokester who loves to make people laugh and have a good time himself. The tall green one with multiple limbs is Howdy, a bodega shop owner that’s named his place the “Bugdega.” And lastly, the little yellow star being indeed a star puppet named Sally. All she wanted to do was be a metaphorical star.

The baked goods that Howdy, Poppy, Frank, and Julie made were...sweeter than anything you had really ever had, and each was decorated in colorful frosting (even the things that didn't need frosting). Barnaby did his best act with the props he could find in your house, and while he got everyone else to laugh, you didn't. So, he made it his mission to get you to laugh. The rest of the night, he made various jokes and acts, and eventually he heard it. A giggle. A laugh. Finally, you were doubled over in laughter, wiping tears from your eyes as he laughed with you. A few games were played while the others tried to keep Julie from making any of them too complicated, complaining that they didn't understand any of it. Mistakes were made, rules were broken, laughter was shared, and people (specifically Eddie) tripped and stumbled throughout the entirety of it.

Finally, the lights were turned way down low as you all grouped on the couch. Eddie had taken the job of directing the lights with a special hand-made spotlight, and Julie and Wally worked to keep the special effects going. As Sally acted her play, confetti acting as flower petals were thrown, backgrounds were occasionally changed during Sally's monologues, and they occasionally acted as extras in the background. You never got to see how it ended. Sally was in another one of her monologues when you found your eyelids getting heavy and the person next to you being extremely comfy.

A soft blanket wrapped around you as with two arms. Sally's voice faded further and further away as you leaned into the person. And with one last quiet sigh, you let the sweet appeal of sleep consume you.

226 notes · View notes

kthyg · 2 years ago

Text

ghoul. — (intoxication)

[FOURTH (4) INSTALMENT OF GHOUL SERIES : INTOXICATION]

“Familiarity. That was what Taehyung felt.”

Rosé couldn't celebrate your successful solo mission with you, so she invited Taehyung to celebrate with you.

pairing : taehyung x reader

rating : M

genre : tokyo ghoul au, soulmate au

disclaimer : this story is a work of fiction. descriptions of the BTS members in this story does not reflect nor portray them in real life. everything in this story only fits in imagination and does not apply outside of imagination.

warning : nothing.

word count : 6.3k+

lexicon & profiles | masterpost | masterlist | navigation

note from winter 💌 :

i have no notes for this... except for i love oc and tae's interaction during the dinner so much. and I have an obsession for someone taking candid photos of me, its a kink atp HAHA also, smut on the next part just telling y'all ;))))

💌 what is winter listening to? : bambi by baekhyun

📝 if you want to know more about this au, you can refer to lexicon & profiles. any other questions you can refer to me !!

dedication : to my sleep demon pt.2

The sun marked the beginning and end of the day.

When it rose, sunrise, marked the beginning of a new day. And when it set, sunset, it signified the end of the day. The silky, smooth collusions of sky burst red and yellow washed and painted itself over the colourless, milky white building of KCCG.

It was the end of the working hour for most office workers in Korea including KCCG. The road was packed with cars and motorbikes. The sidewalk was not any less crowded than the road; People were walking back to their homes.

“Rosie,” you whined. Locking your arms with your friend’s one. The two of you had passed the entrance gate, now on your way to the main door to exit the building.

“(Y/N),” Rosé mimicked. A light chuckle followed shortly after.

Clinging hard on her arm, you let your cheek be squashed against her arm. Not quite reaching her shoulder due to her model-like height. “You promised a celebration dinner with me…”

“I’m sorry,” Rosé sighed regretfully. “Something came up in 10th ward… I really wanted to celebrate with you but if I don’t check on the 10th ward ASAP, Jay will kill me.”

Rosé worked under the control of Jay or Jung Hoseok, the Chief Director of Division 2. She was a Special Class investigator and also the leader of R Squad. Every Special Class investigator was required to form their own Squad with adequate members in range 3 to 4 excluding themselves. A group of 5 or 6, only then the team could be registered as a squad.

Why didn’t Director Kim station you in her squad instead…

You understood or at least you tried to be professional, but you couldn’t help to pout. It was your first solo successful mission in Q Squad. In every squad, the members including the leader were obligated to carry out solo missions that were designated for them. These missions were often put on the hardest difficulty, not everyone could pass on the first try.

Unlocking her arm from you, she turned her body to face you. “Don’t pout or I’ll kiss you,” her hands cupped your cheeks.

You pouted even harder to tease her. She chuckled before her thumb reached out to play with your lips.

Her eyes flickered to look up and behind you. Recognising someone, she called out. “Oh, V!”

You craned your neck to look at the said person.

Kim Taehyung. God’s favourite.

You had almost forgotten the name he used in KCCG as you always go for his government name. Taehyung was a charming yet mysterious man. He was the epitome of perfection. From his perfect and symmetrical facial proportions to his well-built body. Like Jimin, Taehyung has enough muscle at the right place, and like Rosé, they shared almost the same height, the model-like height.

“Going home?” Your friend asked in a friendly manner. You reached for her hands that had been cupping your face to put them down.

“Yes,” his baritone voice was honey to your ears. You wouldn’t admit it, but you have a big fat crush on him or maybe you were just attracted to him. Could you blame yourself? Almost everyone in KCCG was attracted to or even openly admitted to having a crush on him. “What about you? I heard there’s a commotion at ward 10.”

Rosé nodded unenthusiastically. “I swear it was clear yesterday. The ghouls can’t give us a break for God’s sake.” Her hand unconsciously found yours as she held onto your hand. You let her.

At least it made you feel included.

“What can you expect? 10th ward’s ghouls are vigorous, I can’t lie.” He said, followed by a deep chuckle.

God, the chuckle. You’re so damned.

“Very true,” she agreed eagerly. “You’re in charge of ward 8, right?”

V nodded.

Smirking, she asked, “Want to switch up by the end of this week?” Her eyebrows wiggled.

“No, thank you.” He was quick to turn her down. “I can assure you ward 8 is not any better than 10.”

Rosé playfully rolled her eyes. You couldn’t help but smile at her behaviour. She was the epitome of the real social butterfly; she could get along with anyone and knew almost everyone in KCCG. As if finally remembering something, she looked at you before she directed her attention back to the male investigator. “Oh, V, what are you having for dinner?”

“Good question,” he hummed, cupping his chin. “I have yet to decide.”

Rosé eyes shone. “How about a dinner with (Y/N)?”

“Huh–” You stared at her in shock.

“Huh?” V didn’t expect that question, too, it seemed.

Clapping her hands together keenly, she began to explain. “We were supposed to celebrate (Y/N)’s successful solo mission, but, well, something came up, like I said.”

After a long pause, she blurted out. “Can you go in my place?”

Shocked, you quickly intervened. “T–There’s no need!”

Although you liked the idea of getting to stare and listen to Taehyung for a longer time, you would not want to be in the awkward situation of two people, that barely knew each other, having dinner. “We were just planning to drink– Not a proper dinner at all!”

You were literally begging her to reconsider by giving excuses. “Plus, I can still celebrate it with you tomorrow…”

Rosé frowned. “Eh, that restaurant near this building, what its name? The First? They offer proper dinner though.”

That was the only thing that got through her head.

“Yeah, I guess, but–” You tried to come up with another reason because you knew damn well that the restaurant does serve proper dinner in the menu option. You were a regular there.

Completely dismissing you, she went ahead to ask the male investigator. “So, V? Are you down for some drinking?” She playfully winked at him with a drinking gesture.

“Wait–” You gripped her sleeves, trying to hold her back desperately. “I’m pretty sure Investigator V has something better to do than drinking–”

You would rather have 5 hours training session with The Min Yoongi or maybe Jimin than have dinner with Taehyung. Not because he was a horrible man or anything akin, – the two were definitely not the lesser evil though – it was just that… If it was a dinner with V and Rosé, then yes, you would be fine with it.

“Sure,” he cut you off. With a shrug, he added. “I don’t mind actually.”

“You don’t need to!” You quickly told him with a shake of head. “Uhm, I can ask Minghao or Sunoo…?”

“I mean V agreed to go,” Rosé frowned but didn’t relent to try convincing you. Why do you even need to be convinced? “Plus, don’t you have like a cr–”

Your eyes widened. You knew she would babble her mouth about your folders. Cutting her off with a high-pitched ‘okay’, you quickly pushed your hand to cup over her mouth. Instantly agreeing with her idea. “I think 10th ward is calling for you!”

“Gosh, okay. Okay,” she pulled away your hand from her mouth. Her eyes scrutinised your figure before she asked, “Did you bring your camera?”

“Of course,” a frown found its place on your temple. “Why did you ask…?”

Rosé mimicked the pose of a photographer – except that she was exaggerating – and subtly pointing at V. Your eyes immediately widened at her signal and quickly pushed her away. You waited until she was out of your vision before you turned to V.

You would hate to admit that you liked to take pictures of him.

Both secretly and openly.

Secretly, when you would see him around KCCG, and like a beautiful flower in the garden, you couldn’t fight the urge to capture its beauty, it was the same for Taehyung. Openly, when you were assigned to do a meeting report or any reports in general that required you to include pictures of the related event, or when the magazine companies would like to feature KCCG as the front page, KCCG would – most of the time – send Taehyung and Jimin for it.

“Let’s go…?” This was going down to your history book of the most awkward situation.

The charming smile of his sent your heart to drum fast in your chest and butterfly wilding in your stomach.

“After you.” Gentleman.

“Table for two, please.” You told the waitress with a polite smile.

She led you and Taehyung to a table. You noted how redness covered her cheeks and ears. Assuming it must’ve been because of Taehyung, you could only laugh to yourself. She probably has a crush on the male investigator with the way she was openly gawking at him with a dreamy look while taking the order. Taehyung was popular in Korea due to his career and his look. He received attention everywhere he went.

An order of Samgyeopsal and Jokbal was placed, and the girl took her leave to the kitchen. You took off your long white coat and draped it over the chair next to you. Taehyung had chosen to sit on the opposite side, facing you.

As if that didn’t add up to your nervousness that has already reached its peak.

You were left in KCCG formal innerwear: a turtleneck shirt, cargo pants, and platform boots, all in jet black. KCCG was very monotonous. You noticed Taehyung seemed to have taken off his coat as well. His innerwear was nothing different from yours except that he was wearing a pair of patent leather boots.

This was the first time you had seen him without his coat.

You have always seen him in that white coat. Given that he was under Director Jung’s division, you didn’t bump into him frequently – or else you would’ve had the chance to witness him in mission state. Rosé, however, was under the same division as him which explained her friendliness towards him.

Come to think of it, this was the first time you were having a meal with Taehyung. Just the two of you. Of course, you have had dinners with him, but they were joined by your colleagues as well. Most of the time, it was just company dinners or some other celebrations. That, too, you never really try to talk to him during those occasions because you would either be with Jimin or your squad members.

Squad was a very essential thing in KCCG, and it was divided into two categories, operation squad and mentoring squad. Operation squads usually consisted of powerful and strongest investigators derived from Special Cases, Associate Special Cases, and First Classes. This kind of squad was liable for disbandment as it was not a permanent group. Operation squads could exist due to any calling for it from the higher-ups and cease when the operation was finished, not subject to success or failure.

Mentoring squad was a permanent squad. Once a person earned the title of ghoul investigator after graduating from the training academy, he or she would be sorted into a squad. Squad sorting would be determined by the division directors’ evaluations. Once sorted into a squad, one was bound to stick in it forever unless changes were made. In any KCCG function, the seating plan was according to squads. It was a rare case for a squad to have changing members because if there were to be any problem, it was to be solved within the squad itself, according to the leader’s orders and commands.

It was also a rare case for the higher-ups to be involved in the matter of squad and you happened to be one of the rare cases.

“I heard Namjoon removed you from Jimin’s squad.”

You looked at him with wide eyes, unsure as to how to reply to him.

If that’s what you heard, then you aren’t wrong, was what you wanted to reply with but decided against it.

Avoiding eye contact, you forced out a nod. Way too many people have come to you and asked that. You were getting sick of it. Most of them would continue to pin you as the problem. You didn’t have the heart to tell the truth… Just because. Taehyung only hummed as he leaned back into his seat with arms crossed on his chest. You squirmed in your seat uncomfortably under his gaze.

“Jimin is my soulmate.” He announced suddenly. The charming, gentlemanly aura was long gone as it was now replaced with a cold, aloof character.

His sudden disclosure about Jimin was met with a puzzled look on your face. “I… See?”

It was his turn to look astounded. A hint of annoyance was evident in his voice as he continued. “I’m glad you are not in his squad anymore. You’re way too close to him for a childhood friend.”

Blinking, you were very much confused but slowly, you asked, “Are you jealous…?”

“What– Of course not!” He quickly retorted. “As if someone like you could make me jealous.”

You badly wanted to roll your eyes but decided against it as you sighed. “I hope you’re not getting the wrong idea, but I have no desire for Investigator Park. I don’t have any feelings for him if that’s what you’re mad for…”

“And I didn’t know you and Investigator Park are soulmates,” you awkwardly added as your hands fidgeted under the table. Never in your life would want to make someone feel insecure or be a threat to someone’s sacred bond and you most definitely didn’t want to be a homewrecker.

You liked Taehyung, and you have a crush on him, but would you even call it a crush? You liked pretty things and he happened to be one of the world’s wonders.

“I like pretty things.”

“And? Why are you telling me that?”

Because I feel the need to assure you in whatever way possible.

You sighed. “Investigator Park is majestically pretty and so are you. It’s just a silly attraction, but I promise you I don’t have any romantic feelings for the two of you.”

“Do you have a soulmate?” He suddenly asked.

Taken aback, you blinked at him, “No.”

The subtle look of shock didn’t go unnoticed by you, but he was quick to be apathetic. “Therefore, I don’t trust you.”

“Up to you…” You looked away defeatedly with yet another sigh.

You didn’t blame him for not trusting, honestly. You completely understood where he was coming from, but you would very much want to justify yourself with the fact that you’ve been with Jimin since kids and that if you have feelings for him, you would’ve been rejected before you could even confess.

Maybe that was why you didn’t justify yourself. Your reasons were not helpful to the situation at all.

The Samgyeopsal and Jokbal you had ordered finally arrived along with a few bottles of Soju. The worker set up the grill and you immediately began to prepare to cook the meats. When the grill finally reached the desirable heat, you carefully placed each piece on top of the hot grill pan. Taehyung quietly helped you along as he got himself a pair of tongs.

“You like photography?” He broke the silence with the sudden question.

He seemed like the type of person that couldn’t handle quietness. You cast a side eye at him. He gave you a bored face as he jutted out his chin at the camera bag next to you. You slowly nodded but then you continued to cook up the meats when Taehyung fell silent again.

“Show me your skill.” He finally spoke again after moments of silence.

“What…” You gave him a dirty look. If it was someone else, you would’ve complied immediately, not questions. If it was anyone else, you wouldn’t have dared to do so, but Taehyung stopped wearing his gentleman mask. If he found no reason to be a gentleman around you, you surely should not have any reason to keep up with your good-girl image around him.

Or at least that was what you told yourself.

You got that unfamiliar sense of comfort around him. Although he was very much hostile towards you when he told you about Jimin, other than that, he treated you normally. You found yourself to be more expressive and open to him. It wasn’t Investigator V that was present here with you.

It was Kim Taehyung.

“My camera is full of your soulmate.”

“You take pictures of me too.”

“Is that a statement?”

“Yes.”

Surrendering, you put down your tongs. Your camera bag on your right was dark, hueless; black with your signature, and a small Lotus next to it, embedded in the fabric. It was given by Minghao as a birthday present for you. Taking the camera out of its shelter, you turned it on and searched for some pictures of him.

Truthfully, there were quite a number of his pictures in the camera. You thought you had transferred it to your computer. They were pictures of the latest photoshoot for KCCG weekly magazine. This week, Taehyung and his squad were featured in the magazine so, as you have been doing religiously, you attended the photoshoot.

You showed him the pictures. He casually took the camera away from your grasp. Well, he looked like he was experienced in holding a camera, so you didn’t panic. You picked up your tongs again as you continued cooking the meat and putting the cooked ones in your bowl and Taehyung’s as he mindlessly went through your camera’s gallery.

“Not bad,” Taehyung mumbled with a playful smirk tugging on his lips.

Heat crept up to your face as you felt your face getting warm. Although that didn’t sound like a genuine compliment, it was the first feedback you ever received from someone that viewed your pictures. You let Jimin look through your gallery occasionally, but he never said anything about the pictures.

Taehyung was intrigued. He was amazed by the pictures you have taken of him. Glancing at you through his lashes, he saw you smiling. An endearing smile as your eyes shone with a gleam of adoration. He caught himself smiling together with you but quickly wiped it away as he continued going through your camera until the end. There were pictures of Jimin's solo shoot for the 2nd Ward monthly magazine.

He always thought his soulmate would make a good model but after seeing your photos, maybe it was better Jimin wasn’t a model. The modelling industry would be under his feet instantly. Your pictures of him proved how majestically beautiful Jimin was.

Click!

He heard a shot was taken. “What are you doing?”

“Taking pictures of the food…?” You replied.

He frowned as if you did something very offensive towards him. “Shouldn’t you include the person you’re eating with too?”

Are you serious? “Whose rule is that?”

“Mine.”

Rolling your eyes, you continued to snap more pictures. “Shut up and eat before they get cold.”

Taehyung brought the camera to his eye level. You were still busy trying to get the perfect angle and lighting for the pictures, and he silently clicked a photo.

You looked perfectly flawless – or maybe it was just his skill or the camera.

He slowly angled the camera to his eye level again as he intended to take another picture but as he was looking through the camera lens, you were already staring at him with a boring look. “Taking my pictures now?”

“Jokes on you, I was taking pictures of the food.”

“Jokes on you, do you think I’m stupid?” You retorted but couldn’t help the small laugh that followed shortly after. “Give that here.”

He gave you puppy eyes, but you quickly turned him down as you narrowed your eyes at him. Surprisingly, he surrendered with a pout. He looked like a sad puppy as he picked up his chopsticks to himself some meats.

Bringing the camera to your eye, you prompted him. “Look here.”

Click!

A picture of him munching on the meat, luscious lips pouting. The flavour of the meat burst in his mouth as he savoured the food, eyes widened in pleasure.

You couldn’t contain your laugh as you reviewed the picture you just took. “You look cute.”

If you weren’t so busy with the camera, you would’ve seen the way his eyes widened as blood rushed to his face, cheeks flushed from your compliment. He didn’t know why he reacted in such a way but something about you complimenting him so nonchalantly must’ve caught him off guard.

The two of you continued bickering from him urging you to delete the pictures to you nagging about the foods getting cold because of the never-ending bickering and Taehyung that doesn’t seem to want to stop. You shoved pieces of meat together with lettuce into his mouth to shut him up. But as if that stopped him. He continued to babble to the point he drifted into some random topic. You only listened to him while you cook up more meats for him.

It was as if the two of you were close friends.

Taehyung fed you meats in between his random speech and having food offered right in front of you, who wouldn’t open their mouth automatically? Surely not you, hence your lips parted every time food was offered to you by Taehyung. Sometimes, you would pick up the meat off the grill and immediately offer it to him after blowing away some steam.

It felt so natural.

For him to feed you. For you to feed him. For you to listen to him as he went through from KCCG matter to some personal stories and random thoughts.

It naturally happened.

It naturally happened to the point you found yourself downing bottles of Soju mindlessly, definitely going over your drinking limit. You were a light drinker, but you didn’t care as you let the alcoholic drink continue to enter your system.

Taehyung looked at you. He was far from being drunk, for whatever reason. But he has the decency to remind you as he took away the bottle of Soju from your hand. “I think that’s enough of Soju for you, (Y/N).”

You could only whine in response, grumpily picking up your chopsticks again and shoving a few leftover slices of meat into your mouth.

“Aigo, (Y/N),” a soft voice cooed.

Taehyung and you simultaneously turned towards the voice – even though you were not exactly functioning well, your sense was surprisingly still functioning and able to pick up your surroundings.

You seemed to recognise the lady as you whined in response. “Ajumma…”

It was probably the restaurant’s owner.

“Let’s stop here, okay?” The old lady came next to you as she caressed your shoulders gently. You mumbled something inaudible for her old hearing as you put down your utensils.

The lady looked at Taehyung as she asked. “Are you her boyfriend?”

“No, I’m her colleag–”

“He’s my friend!” You exclaimed; your head whipped so fast as you looked at the lady next to you, index finger shushing over your lips. “Ajumma, he’ll get maaad if you call him my boyfriend. He already has a soulmate!” You whispered – more like trying to – the last sentence in her ears.

“Pull yourself together, (Y/N).” Taehyung shook his head as he heaved a heavy sigh.

“It’s not often I get to see her like this.” She told him after chuckling softly. “You must be a special friend to her.”

“Special?” He repeated with pure confusion.

This was the first time you and he were having dinner together.

“When she comes here with her friends, she never gets drunk.” She remembered the times when you would not drink even a sip of those alcoholic beverages as you stuck with your usual Cola. Even when one of your friends offered you to drink, the invitation was politely refused by you and for sure you must’ve felt really bad for rejecting it. “So, for her to get drunk in front of you, she must’ve really trusted you a lot.”

Your arms found their way as you circled the old lady’s figure. “Ajumma, I want a soulmate, too…” The sound of melancholy was apparent in your voice and certainly didn’t go unnoticed by the lady and even Taehyung.

Sighing pitifully, she caressed your head, “You’ll meet the one soon, honey.”

You must’ve been so lonely, she thought.

Finding a soulmate in today’s world is very crucial, but not everyone would find one. They would make one. In a world where the ghouls roamed around and blended in with the humans, one out of ten ghouls would have human as their soulmates and ghoul soulmates as the humans’, but not everyone was willing and ready to commit to someone who was not of their kind or more like they could not risk it.

There was a reason for the establishment of both CCG and KCCG, after all.

They were an anti-ghoul organisation.

Humans were not to get along with ghouls as they were considered monsters and existed for nothing but to cause chaos. CCG and KCCG made it their main purpose to exterminate the whole existence of ghouls as per their motto, to create a better world for humans, free from any danger.

That was why some people make their own soulmates. Modern technology and medicine paved the way for people who wanted to choose their own soulmates or run away from the ill-fated soulbond. Although some people still preferred the traditional way and pain-free because the alternative way was said to be painful and time-consuming as one must go through many procedures in order for a new desired soul bond to be established.

Expensive too.

Your eyes closed as you mumbled with sorrow. “What if I already meet them? But I don’t feel any connection with Mingyu and Minghao, but I love them, and they love me.”

The old lady tried to recall the guys you mentioned, and it clicked rather quickly given the number of times she had seen you with them. Indeed, you were very close to them. They treated you earnestly, lovingly, and caringly to the point she had thought they were your destined lovers, but you had explained before that they weren’t.

It was hard for even the lady to fathom the fact that they weren’t your soulmates too because she knew for a fact that your relationship with them was definitely not a normal one.

How could three souls be very loving and inseparable but not soulmates?

The three of you were one piece that was separated into three.

“They have to be my soulmates…”

Taehyung’s eyebrow twitched at your last sentence. The unexplainable urge to shut your mouth was clouding his mind, but at least you passed out now. He was not really a fan of the whole soulmate system although he already has his own soulmates. He liked to be free. Free from commitments. His soulmates gave him the freedom he wanted, of course, but at the end of the day, he was still in a relationship that required his commitment.

Or at least that was what he thought.

What was it that had you desiring soulmates so badly?

Couldn’t you just wait for them to naturally come to you?

You looked so desperate and pathetic.

“Poor kid,” the lady kindly supported your head that was resting on her. The soft and gentle caresses on the side of your head never ceased and it irked Kim Taehyung. He has the urge to push away that hand and replace it with his but for his own good sake, he held himself back. “Young man, you can go home if you want to, I can handle her.”

Her free hand went beneath her apron as she rummaged through her pocket for something. “Let me try to call Mingyu or Minghao…”

God, if Taehyung wasn’t so close to pushing that old woman off you.

Does she think he wouldn’t have the least amount of decency to bring her back home after having dinner with you?

Does she not trust him even though she mentioned him being a special someone for you?

Of course not.

He just had dinner with you.

For the first time.

And it was the first time the owner had seen you with someone other than Mingyu and Minghao. Even if there were someone else, she would’ve recognised.

She doesn’t trust him.

But then again, he doesn’t trust the old lady as well.

“No, it’s fine,” Taehyung said with his box smile, fighting back a snarl. “I can get her home.” He doesn’t need to justify himself as his aura spoke for him. He rounded the table to get to your side and practically snatched you from the lady’s hold.

His voice held finality as well as his action.

Taehyung gently manoeuvred you into wearing your coat. Outside was cold and windy, he wouldn’t want you to freeze to death before you could even reach your home. When he was done keeping you warm securely, he carefully carried you on his back. Luckily neither you nor Taehyung brought own Quinque because it would’ve been a pain in the neck to carry it along at this moment.

There was one thing that was still a problem.

He didn’t know where you live.

The night was cold as Taehyung carried you on his back. Wind marched into the chilly picture blowing like a sneezing monster, peeling off the brown cadaverous leaves from the strangled tree branches. The night would chill anyone down to the bone, but Taehyung remained unfazed as he strode in the cold weather.

The cold night breeze blew on your face, making you nuzzle into Taehyung’s neck in search of some warmth. Your body had picked up the spine-chilling temperature despite your mind being hazy from the alcohol. After some more snuggling, failure in search of perfect warmth, your eyes fluttered open.

Taehyung has very acute senses, you have come to notice that. Perhaps it was due to his years of being a ghoul investigator, but it still didn’t fail to amaze you as he spoke the second your eyes blinked open.

“You’re so heavy.”

Processing his word, you narrowed your eyes at him – although he couldn’t see you or if his peripheral vision was wide enough to see you, “Literally no one asked you to carry me!” You chided.

“I’ll let you fall,” he voiced with a minatory voice and that shut you up immediately.

“Put me down properly, dude,” you finally spoke again after minutes of silence. You’d rather walk than be carried by him knowing the fact that he could drop you off anytime. The thought of falling was very much not entertaining at this moment. Taehyung didn’t hesitate to let you down. “That gentleman image was just for show, was it?”

“I’m glad you’ve realised,” he brushed you off as he continued walking, leaving you behind.

One time he was bearable, another time he was nothing but an arsehole.

You rolled your eyes, “Ever since you told me Investigator Park is your soulmate,” and caught up with him. You didn’t notice how Taehyung had already slowed down his pace as now he was sauntering. He was waiting for you to at least walk next to him instead of getting out of breath with just a few quick steps. A smug grin paint itself on his face as he heard you whining and maffling.

It was only today and just now that Taehyung finally has a moment with you. Alone. He would occasionally see you with Rosé after the working hour or maybe he actually noticed you during the photoshoots but didn’t bring himself to give extra care about you.

Telling you that Jimin was his soulmate was just an excuse. Heck, even the whole dinner was just an excuse. He never wanted to have dinner with you, he would not want to. He had agreed to Rosé because he saw it as an opportunity: a chance to push you away from Jimin. You were the problem in Jimin’s squad. A hindrance. He was nothing but glad and elated when Namjoon had done him a favour of removing you from Jimin’s squad – not quite directly but the complaints were very helpful, and he was very thankful to whoever filed those complaints against you.

But a dinner with you was fun.

He hated to admit that.

You felt like a friend to him.

“Look, if you don’t want to carry me, let me at least cling on your arm for some support.” You huffed; arms crossed.

A scoff escaped his lips as he gave you a side glance, “You sure are something when you’re drunk, (Y/N),” but he still offered you his arm.

He shouldn’t have done that, right? He should yank his arm away from you.

But that moment never came. He didn’t feel the supposed emotion of anger or hatred bubbling when he was with you. Not even during the dinner just now. He told himself he was supposed to piss you off, embarrass you, and watch as you run out of the restaurant crying your heart out, be it tears of anger, humiliation, or even grief for the broken heart.

He wanted you away from his soulmate and him.

You should just be with your alleged soulmate.

Maybe your bond was broken.

Maybe you were soulless.

But why did all those thoughts stir uneasiness in him?

“How come you’re not drunk in the slightest?” You asked. The question had come out as slurring.

“Because who will take care of you when you’re drunk.” That came out as a natural response, he didn’t even think of constructing some believable lies.

You loured. “Lies. You don’t care whether or not I get drunk, and you certainly don’t care about the aftermath. You simply don’t get drunk.”

For one you were definitely sharp, he thought.

Shrugging, he said in a boring tone. “Whatever makes you sleep at night.”

You heard his tone, of course. So, you took it as a cue to shut your drunk self. Your tired eyes travelled down to the ground, watching as your steps matched with Taehyung’s. He definitely slowed down his pace. A small smile involuntarily tugged on your lips. Taehyung was soft despite the cold persona he had presented to you when he told you about Jimin. He was a guy overflowing with emotions but didn’t have a way to express them or at least had trouble doing so, hence he opted to suppress those emotions.

Heaviness started to gather on your eyelids as you struggle to keep your eyes open. Your pace was becoming slower, and Taehyung noticed the drag. He slightly turned to look at you only to see you sleeping. Eyes closed, your eyelashes lay like veils upon your cheeks, lips slightly parted, and regulated and calm pattern on breathing.

You look divine.

And if people were to pass by, they would think Taehyung was in love.

“(Y/N)?” A voice thick with an accent called, drawing only Taehyung’s attention as you passed out again. A blondie.

Another voice jumped in, sounding very excited. “It’s really you!” A brunette.

Japanese?

“Ah, she’s drunk,” The brunette said.

The first voice that had called you turned to Taehyung, giving a slight bow, “Oh, sorry,” she apologised. “Are you (Y/N)’s boyfriend…?”

You mumbled something gibberish and clung even harder to Taehyung’s arm, going as far as burying and hiding your face. Probably protecting your face from the harsh and cold wind.

“…n – not my boyfriend… I have boyfriends – Mhmph…” You were mumbling in Japanese as if your brain picked up the surroundings but not really functioning accordingly. He heard you clearly albeit it might sound gibberish to the others.

“Ming…yuuu,” you slurred.

And Taehyung decided he had enough of your shit.

His hands immediately found the back of your knees as he scooped you into his arms causing a yelp to escape your throat but despite the sudden force, you still didn’t come to your sense, mind was still heavy and clouded by the bottles of Soju you just had.

He made a mental note to not let you drink anymore.

Anymore?

Would there be a next time? Was he hoping for another dinner with just you?

“I apologise but she’s really out of it today,” pardoning on your behalf, the foreign language was fluent on Taehyung’s tongue as he put on his gentleman mask. “Are you perhaps her friends?”

“Yes,” she answered enthusiastically. “I’ve never seen (Y/N) this drunk!”

For a fact, this brunette looked really fascinated by you.

The elegant-looking blondie pulled back her thrilled friend by her shoulder, whispering something that made the brunette’s eyes widen like plates. She backed a few steps from you and Taehyung but still, a sweet smile plastered on her face.

The blonde cleared her throat, “We do not wish to hold you back any longer,” she said with the greatest formality and politeness she could muster. It sounded extremely formal in the language they were conversing in: Japanese.

“We’ll meet again, Investigator V,” she bowed slightly, her smile wore the softest smile, but Taehyung could never overlook the mischievousness that shone in her eyes that was quick to disappear as fast as it had appeared. The girls then walked past Taehyung and you, heading towards the opposite way of where he was planning to head.

Once your friends were completely out of the radar, Taehyung looked down at your sleeping face and then up ahead. He stood there for a solid two minutes before his lips slowly tugged into a smirk. “So, I wasn’t wrong…”

“They are the transferred investigators.” He mused to himself.

Namjoon had mentioned that CCG will station a few of their investigators at KCCG. He didn’t expect to have met them informally like that, but he most definitely didn’t expect them to blow their cover like that. He was grateful for his sharp sense.

“What a shocking information, (Y/N),” he muttered under his breath. “You’re friends with ghouls.”

CCG has no reason to station ghouls in KCCG.

#kthyg : ghoul #taehyung x reader #yandere bts #taehyung smut #bts smut #taehyung angst #bts angst #taehyung fluff #bts fluff #yandere taehyung #taehyung x oc #taehyung x you #yandere taehyung x reader #taehyung imagine #bts imagine #taehyung scenario #bts scenarios

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epithetical · 11 months ago

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2024 UPDATE (OFFICIAL)

Hey, everyone. Longtime no talk. Despite being weirdly active on this account, I haven't really made any textposts since high school. So I've decided to fix this by giving a gigantic update post about my very busy 2023. If you're new and don't know anything about me, or knew me as a teen and are wondering what I'm up to now: buckle up.

TL;DR:

Dropped out of art school. Released an award-nominated(???) dating sim, ValiDate. Killed the Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX. Conquered Jaw Explosion Disease. Hung out with some friends. (Also, a lot of NDA shit that I can’t talk about.)

ART-SCHOOL DROPOUT

From 2021 to 2022, I was attending a prestigious and overly-expensive art school for their (brand new!) game design program. When I first graduated from high school, this college was my dream choice, and coming off the success of my early game dev career, it seemed like a perfect opportunity to polish my skills while I kept working on the side. My first commercial game was still in development, but we were feeling comfortable, and I felt like getting greedy.

Pride before the fall. Full Icarus mode. You know how it goes.

The school itself was…alright. Satellite campus, mid-pandemic, hybrid learning. Close enough to commute comfortably, classes just long enough for masks to not give me a headache, and the handful of remote courses helped keep my medical problems at bay. Problems that the school was a little unequipped to help with, though the disability office did their best. I had to drop a class because my body, at the time, couldn’t handle eight hours of classes without some Crazy Side Effects.

(Keep in mind that every class was, minimum, four hours. And I had to take at least five a semester. Each class also saw me make an entire game from scratch. My body was already at its limit.)

If you knew me in high school, you’re probably waiting for the shoe to drop: I was, famously, the worst at academics. Never did homework, rarely finished projects, slept through first period at least once a week. Surprise, though: I was fucking great at this. My GPA doubled. Turns out that going to school for a discipline you already have a career in, and are kinda obsessed with, kinda does wonders for you. Unfortunately, I picked the worst time to care about school, since my commercial game’s release was the same exact night that my five school games were due.

TL;DR, I didn’t sleep for a week, almost fucked both up, and got burnout so bad that I couldn’t do anything for a calendar year. So I dropped out! Now, about a year of job hunting later (the game’s industry is imploding right now, and the only studios that considered me were… questionable, to say the least), the expensive art school wants me back. So badly. Turns out the whole school is so broke and understaffed right now that they’re basically chomping at the bit for that tuition money. Got a week to decide. Jury’s still out.

VALIDATE POST-MORTEM

So, if you couldn’t tell from the above section, we released a game in 2022! I was supposed to write a post-mortem for it, but… burnout from the above, combined with general “post-release depression,” and I didn’t feel like touching it.

Part of me still doesn’t!

Yet I kinda think the feeling of me not wanting to talk about ValiDate is still worth discussing, so here we go:

For those of you that aren’t aware, I was a head dev on ValiDate, a dating sim that released in 2022. Volume 1 (of 3) did, anyway.

Did a lot of music, did a lot of writing, created some characters people really care about, created some characters people really want to fuck, made a couple Tweets that my boss hated, got accused of being reverse racist a few times. It was truly one of the most exciting and rewarding experiences of my life. And, yes, we’re still working on Vol. 2 behind the scenes.

That’s actually the reason why it’s kinda hard to talk about Vol. 1!

It was my first commercial game, my first publicly released game, and I think there’s always gonna be a… natural embarrassment toward your first “real” project. Combine that with my natural “if you stare at me for too long, I will kill myself” tendencies, and the game’s release was a special type of torture. It’s one thing to watch people play through a game that you poured your blood, sweat, and tears into, knowing full well that they might hate it (or just misunderstand it), but shit gets so much worse when you know that you could have done better.

It’s a very special kind of psychological torture to have creative decisions you feel were mistakes, things you half-assed because of burnout or deadlines, or things you did wrong because you just didn’t know any better! The embarrassment was overwhelming, so I just… dipped for a while. Didn’t watch gameplay or read reviews, didn’t do much of anything.

Took me a while to realize that me being embarrassed about the project isn’t because ValiDate was bad or anything. I was embarrassed because it was an incredible learning opportunity for me. The amount that I picked up on game design, community management, leadership, marketing, pitching, porting, etc. in two years is more than any school could teach you in four. Volume 1 was a game made by amateurs, still wet behind the ears, trying to build something from grassroots.

But Volume 2 is a game-ass game.

And having done all the work we have on Vol. 2 (which, while I can’t talk about it publicly, is a lot!), looking back at our first release feels like… revisiting your awkward middle school photos. Sometimes it’s hard to not feel contempt for who you were when your biggest struggle was becoming, but learning to choke down that shame? It taught me to feel grateful for the you of yesterday, who clawed their way through uncertainty so that you, today, can stand on sturdier ground. Growing up is embarrassing, and it turns out you keep doing it well into your twenties! Sucks.

For the past few days, Dani and I have been watching a Twitch streamer play through Volume 1. We’ve been so deep in planning for the future that we figured, hey, may as well revisit the past. Detached from all that embarrassment of becoming, I gotta admit: we made a fun little dating sim. People like it. Hell, I like it. Sure, I know all of its flaws and shortcuts, and I have my fair share of critiques… but fact of the matter is, if I have a problem with something, I can just fix it.

Admittedly, In the past, that attitude of mine has actually been more of a problem than a solution. “I can fix this myself!” is all fine and good when you’re a solo dev trying to throw something together, but it turns out taking on excess responsibility in a collaborative setting is a way to make shit suck for you and your team. During the Kickstarter demo era, I was literally on every team besides art. Writing, programming, music, I got my fingers in all those pies. It was fun to me, and more importantly, it was sustainable.

Until it wasn’t.

Volume 1 coinciding with my tenure at [art school], using a (finicky and, frankly, shitty) new game engine, being much larger in scope, introducing minigames (which, surprise, I was team lead on)... I pretty much killed myself trying to get it all done. Honestly, I blame half of our day-one bugfixes on me specifically. Every single one of them was an oversight made because I was pulling the classic “I’m unmedicated so crunching is the only way I can feel alive” type shit.

Except for the OST. That one sucked because art school sucks all the joy out of creating.

Happy to say that our workflow for Volume 2 has been much more sustainable for me, even if I’ve officially broken my “no art” rule for it. Yeah, turns out I’m finally making use of that animation major. Sucks.

Self reflection over. Except for one last note:

If you’ve followed ValiDate, played our demo, donated to the Kickstarter, replied to our Tweets, played our second demo, bought our game, or just talked about us to a friend… I am so, so grateful. Beyond what words could possibly describe. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember become a game developer, and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you guys. Vd8 wasn’t what I expected the cornerstone of my career to be, but honestly? I couldn’t have asked for a better one. We have Vriska in our game. How many people can possibly say that?

And to those of you still waiting for Volume 2:

You haven’t seen anything yet.

GAYMING AWARDS

Speaking of ValiDate… Did you hear we were nominated for some Gayming Awards last year? We were!

Three other head Vd8 devs (Dani: Production, Alexis: Art, Cam: Code) flew out to beautiful New York City for the award show last March, which was actually our first time actually meeting up IRL. Really funny how I’ve known Dani since I was fifteen, but here we were, a decade later, finally meeting face to face. She’s so much taller in person. I’m still taller, but barely.

Meeting up with internet friends is one thing (and more on that later!), but meeting up with internet coworkers? It’s interesting. This was the first moment that ValiDate felt “real,” seeing as it was suddenly important enough to give us comp’d flights and a hotel room, but more than that: the people I’ve been working with for years exist? We’re all hanging out together? We’re wandering through Manhattan all day? We’re eating the most disgusting food at Junior’s in Times Square? We’re trying to figure out what this mystery liquid is? How much did this food cost again? (Seriously, my onion rings were 90% dough and 10% onion.)

While I won’t bore you with the minutiae—I think my friends would prefer the privacy anyway—the entire trip to NYC was fun, exhausting, and a dream-come-true.

Except for that goddamn award show. Jesus CHRIST, what a trainwreck.

No, I’m not saying that just because we lost. We did lose, though. (Personally, I was fine with it, but I also had to travel the least distance to get there. So…) I’m saying that because the entire Gayming Awards industrial complex was, uh, kinda busted this year?

So imagine, you’re us: bunch of twenty-somethings on your Sex and the City shit. Big award show tonight, formal attire. We’re talking high heels, long dresses, full suits, the whole nine yards. Now what do you do in Manhattan? Walk. Sure, we weren’t walking in formal attire the entire time, but it was still a good five blocks to the award center where—wait, what do you mean they relocated the ceremony? The hall they rented is closed for mysterious reasons? Where the hell are we doing the award show?

If you answered “the drag bar where the afterparty was supposed to take place,” congrats, here’s $20. Way further away from our hotel, which meant more walking, and also a way smaller venue with a lot less… formality, let’s say. But we’re young gay people, we don’t care about formalities, who gives a shit! As long as it can seat all of us, then—oh there’s no seating. Ohhhh. Oh! Okay.

I’ll admit, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. There were a handful of couches, VIPs only. Realizing quickly that, oh shit, we’re VIPs, we managed to snag some front-seat couches before any of the pesky old people could. (We’re young! We deserve to sit! You’ve had your entire lives to sit, established games industry people! Let the new generation have a turn!) Unfortunately, when I got up to cash in my free-drink voucher, my seat was stolen by some white lady.

So I sat on the floor.

March 2023. You, sitting at home, have decided to tune into the Gayming Awards “live” on Twitch, curious to see what Britain’s premiere gayming magazine had to say about, uh, esports.

This is important to you.

Fortunately, this year you’re watching a decently shot and scripted award show filmed in a (noticeably claustrophobic) little bar, complete with charming presenters (many of whom are local drag queens) and a myriad of corporate sponsors. You can hardly tell that the entire show was uprooted and moved hours prior!

Yet, for some reason, whenever the cameras cut to the audience… There’s some large man, right in front of the crowd, slumped down on the floor as if he’s bleeding out. With every award given, his clapping grows weaker. The more the camera cuts to him, the more life drains from his body, as if his existence itself is anathema to “gayming.”

Imagine, for a moment, that this man is nominated for an award.

Imagine that he, after a lifetime of potassium deficiency, has been teetering on the edge of a Charlie Horse Reckoning for hours.

Imagine that the microsecond that his game’s name is called as a nominee, the Reckoning begins.

Now imagine a world where he wins that award.

A world where he is forced to stand—from his corpse’s rightful place on the ground!—in front of his peers and superiors, pretending as if he’s not afflicted with a life-ending muscle cramp.

So, yeah. I was pretty fine with losing.

Later, we ditched the “afterparty” to drink at Applebees. (Turns out “green tea shots” don’t have any green tea in ‘em?)

EULOGY FOR THE GOLDEN GIRLS TAKE MANHATTAN DX

Big announcement! I was a team lead on The Golden Girls Take Manhattan DX, a certified Tumblr Gold™ fan-project (by the immortal Grawly) about the eponymous Gold Girls in a Persona-esque parody game!

Slightly bigger announcement! The game got cancelled. Sorry.

Feels a little weird talking about this, since the year-ish I spent working on the game passed in the blink of an eye, and I’m not going to lie and say that I was an instrumental piece of the team or whatever. I was lucky enough to lead a very talented team, and to play with some very fun devtools, but the game was definitely more important to me than I was to it. (Grawly, if by some off-chance you’re reading this, please click off now. You can peek back in at the Jaw Explosion Disease subheader. I promise I’m very nice and respectful.)

I was in high school when I was first made aware of TGGTMDX. My friend group was very into Persona (in the pre-P5 days), and one of our favorite video subgenres was “videogame UI on top of sitcom scenes.” It didn’t take us long to stumble onto early-build footage of TGGTMDX on Tumblr, and what spawned was a years-long fascination. I’d even consider it one of my many… game dev awakenings? The idea that the only thing stopping me from making “American Persona”—one of my many white whales—was commitment to the bit. Just one of the many things that fueled my teenaged suicidal overconfidence.

Speaking of suicidal overconfidence, about a decade later, I was invited to work on the game! Coming fresh off ValiDate, I was desperate for a chance to make a real portfolio piece (visual novels, while popular, will never get you a job), and this sort of opportunity only presents itself once in a lifetime. Fulfilling a teenage dream while furthering your career? What could possibly go wrong!

That makes it seem like there was some explosive drama behind the scenes that ruined everything. Sorry to say that most game cancellations aren’t that exciting, and that this game’s death was by a thousand microscopic cuts. Most of which are not my place to talk about: this game wasn’t my baby, and cancelling it wasn’t my choice to make! Many people worked on this for much, much longer than I even knew how to code, and they deserve to have their feelings prioritized. Whenever that post mortem gets published, I’ll be the first to reblog it, trust me.

Instead, I’d prefer to talk a little about this as being my first real “loss” as a game dev. Certainly not my first project to go under, and I’ve had my fair share of shelved prototypes, but something about this cancellation was… different. Working on your dream project is all fun and games until you feel partially responsible for it dying, y’know? It felt Sisyphean at a point, like trying to dig a hole in the sand with a pitchfork. I would work at the game, and work at the game, but nothing I did felt like it made a dent.

Part of me knew I wasn’t giving it my all, between the school-based burnout (above), jaw explosion disease (below), and ValiDate (omnipresent), it’s not like I could’ve afforded to put more of myself into it. Besides, I was literally a team lead, half my job was telling other people what to do. But the spectre of “you’re not doing enough” was hard to shake. Even when all these other responsibilities ebbed and I could afford to give this game my all, the difference felt minimal.

We spend a lot of time pitying Sisyphus for having to push that boulder uphill over and over, but none of us ask ourselves “could we even move that big fucking rock in the first place?” Apparently, I couldn’t.

I wasn’t the only one that felt that way, it turned out. In fact, pretty much all the friends I made on the project felt the same. If there’s any “real” reason why the project got cancelled, it’s that. No big falling out, Disney didn’t give us a cease and desist, no secret rebrand going on in the background. Just a bunch of lads getting sick of pushing a boulder. Hell, Grawly’s been doing it for a decade. Let him rest.

Not too much rest, though: we’re already working on a different game together (Date Knight: check it out if you haven’t!), and some of us ex-Golden Girls devs have some ideas for what else we can cook up.

For money, this time.

JAW EXPLOSION DISEASE

Probably the biggest “development” of 2023 was my sudden horrible nerve pain in July, which started as a sinus infection on the left side of my face, and soon became a horrific jaw pain. Long after my sinus infection healed, the jaw pain remained, which is a pretty bad hand to draw when a considerable portion of your day is spent “talking,” or “eating.” So, for the back half of 2023, I didn’t do much of either.

Instead, I had to take a considerable amount of ibuprofen, visit one doctor, three dentists, two hospitals, and four oral surgeons to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The dentists discovered an exposed nerve, caused by wisdom tooth removal complications (sick!), the oral surgeons went “okay, we can fix that,” got me all numbed up. But it turns out that my left jaw is immune to local anesthesia! Thinking this was an infection, they kept putting me on antibiotics over and over in the hopes that it’d suddenly work. Took a note from my childhood dentist explaining that, “no, he’s always been like this” to find a surgeon willing to put me all the way under. (And then, the first time they tried, I woke up in the middle anyway! I got a full refund on the copay, at least.)

Ultimately, I found a very nice surgeon in December that treated me same-day, and did it perfectly, but the damage to my liver from all that ibuprofen was… bad. But it turns out that livers just… regenerate naturally? So, give it a few months, I’ll be at 100%. Hopefully.

OOMFCON

Hilariously, six months after we met up for the Gayming Awards, Dani and Alexis found their way back to NYC for a little combination meet-up/vacation we affectionately titled “Oomfcon 2023.” This time, with bonus friends! Our entire friend server, whose name I’ve been advised not to post publicly, had rented an AirBnB for anyone willing to drop everything and go to Brooklyn.

It took about a year of planning (mostly by Alexis) to get us all out there, but Jesus Christ, it actually worked.

Admittedly I’m a bit hesitant to talk at length about “taking a vacation”—even though I’m already… from here?—but it really was the highlight of my year. First for actually happening, when most friend groups I’ve had would have written the idea off as a pipedream, but mostly for being a really good time. A lot of walking, a lot of talking, a lot of drinking, a lot of dining. (This was during Jaw Explosion Disease, so you can imagine how my body took most of that.)

To Dani, Alexis, Miles, Haven, Grim, Xtine, and Ty: thanks for coming up here! The city is a lot more boring without you guys in it. I promise to have less health issues when we do this again!

And to everyone else outside the groupchat that I met and bored with my job hunt stories: Nice meeting you guys! Sorry that fate decided every single one of you is forced to keep in touch with me. (And I didn’t even get the shitty corporate job!)

#save.#this is a lot longer than i wanted it to be; but i had a lot to say.#turns out i actually have a lot of tumblr followers. so. time to actually engage with them.

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19thperson · 6 months ago

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19th's Next Fest Impressions - Day 7

Day 0/Day 1/ Day 2/Day 3/Day 4/Day 5/Day 6

Last day, and only day where I had zero other obligations. Lets go out with a bang.

Keylocker

youtube

In a grim cyberpunk future where music is banned, you're music. Therefore, you're banned

I wanted to like this game, but aside from the writing not landing with me, there was a key mechanical problem constantly getting in the way.

The game has a timed hits and timed defense system that's punishingly strict, and enemy damage is tuned under the assumption that you'll be getting at least partial dodges consistently. Which I wasn't. It was worse on the first try when I unknowingly chose a class that could only damage on counter.

This isn't usually a problem for me... until I realized a 2nd problem. One that's probably just restricted to the prologue since it's about escaping the anti-music jail

There's no music. Nothing to mentally time beats and inputs to.

I got frustrated and ended it early.

Tenebris Somnia

youtube

Horror game whose main claim of interest is that it's mixing retro pixel art with high definition live action footage. In demo this was presented by solving a series of puzzles, then it cut to live action to show the monster that appeared, then you run away from the monster. There is something interesting going on beneath this. It seems to be setting up a story specifically about film. You are playing as a girl who is checking up on her shitty ex, because she's had nonstop nightmares of him being killed by The Creatures and she needs to reality check herself.

Both you and the ex are severe film buffs, both worked together on a short film. When you arrive to his apartment, it is beaten to shit, broken film trophies, his film reels in the oven burning, the poster for his short film "Devourer" shattered. While it's not stated, I'm guessing that the monster that attacks us is from said film.

Shitty ex seems to have turned to the occult both due to dissatisfaction with how his film career is going and out of being torn up about you leaving.

There's roads for this to go some really interesting places. There's also roads for this to go pretentious places. But I still wanna see.

Simulacro

youtube

Greek art student goes out to a mysterious island recently uncovered by a massive lake's water level going down due to climate change. She's here to paint the nature. While there she discovers artifacts talking about "The true nature of reality," and at one point is overtaken by inspiration to draw the ruins she imagines would have been there in its heyday. The ruins then appear in real life.

There's a core problem with this game that feels really unfair to say considering it's a small Brazilian team's first game. It's a painting/photography game, and the main character is constantly talking about how beautiful her surroundings are. But they're writing a check that their rendering ability and art direction can't cash. I would accept the island looks kinda off if the game wasn't constantly trying to convince me otherwise. The two types of puzzles the game has in the demo are painting puzzles, find an angle where you get certain targets all in one frame, and artifact puzzles, arrange these broken pieces so that they're one again. The former is more interesting than the latter, but the system to recognize if something is "in the shot" is kinda finicky. The trailer shows more types so hopefully there's more variation in the final release. Most interesting thing about this game thematically is that it takes place in the 2080, and climate change has gotten bad bad bad. The game is selling itself as being a philosophical exploration, and ideally it seems like it's trying the difficult maneuver of "What's the point to these abstract questions when everything is dying?"

Boyscout - Patrick's Town

youtube

Your name is Patricio and not Patrick and you are a kid who likes helping people in your town. In the demo your day is spent getting ingredients and then delivering an apple pie to your grandma for her birthday. Then in the middle of the night a UFO crashes near the town. The pixel art ranges from competent to fantastic depending on the mode (although I do not like the artist's propensity for Usopp lips.) Music is really good. Aside from the combination of aliens and idyllic towns, this is where the homier mother influence feels really noticeable. Although that specific style is not really reflected in the trailer... Writing is… they need a 2nd pass on the translation. Sentences missing a lot of punctuation, an apple pie also being referred to as an apple cake interchangeably, awkward wording throughout. It's thankfully a text lite game, not as detrimental as a visual novel or RPG with the same problems, but still a very visible roadblock.

SoulQuest

youtube

2D DMC. 2DMC.

I will say this: they've gotten the combo game down. Chaining shit together feels good. If that was the only metric this was being judged by, the game would be exceeding all expectations.

but there are a few problems:

1) It is not just combat. There is platforming. Platforming where the hitbox of the platform seem slightly thinner than the sprite. And there's no coyote time. The game also likes to place spikes underneath you in these sections.

Did I mention checkpointing is frugal?

I'm not mad.

2) Unless I'm crazy/misreading things, your dodge roll doesn't have I-frames on startup, just during the middle of the roll. IT feels like I'm getting hit by things I shouldn't be hit by.

I'm not mad.

3) Say you got overconfident and chose hard mode, and want to change the difficulty:

turns out each difficulty is on a separate progression track so if you got to stage 3 and then decided "I've trapped myself in a bad situation" well guess what you gotta redo stages 1 and 2 again on normal to try stage 3 on normal.

I'm not mad.

Sky Oceans: Wings for Hire

youtube

I've heard people describe this as a successor to Skies of Arcadia. I've never played that so I can't really comment on how accurate that is Plot and tone wise its a typical JRPG. You start at an Idyllic home town that might as well be a stack of firewood prepped and ready to burn. You and your friends complete your coming of age ceremony to become Pilots. Oh no here comes The Empire Alliance burning everything to the ground because your dead dad and live mom know about the void century lost history. Try to escape but mom sacrifices self to save you. There doesn't seem to be any on foot combat, all air. While there's an interesting "advantage" system I was expecting more about positioning to be there, who is on whose tail. still, early JRPG battle systems are always kinda thin, so it'll probably get more complex later. Presentation wise, I kinda wish the models emoted a bit more instead of relying solely on the character portraits. The eyes and mouths are flat textures on the face so they could theoretically be swapped out contextually. Overall if you are JRPGpilled, this'll be to your taste, and if you aren't then this won't change your mind.

Boyhood's End

youtube

A very very very loose adaptation of Night on the Galactic Railroad, from the devs behind Needy Streamer Overdose.

In a scifi future where humanity is overseen by a massive AI program spanning the galaxy, ranking all humans and directing all activity, Giovanni Stylus is the lowest ranked, namely due to his father, who once attempted a hack said galaxy spanning AI system. He attempts to support his comatose mother by doing petty hacking jobs, such as hacking into security cameras to confirm infidelity. All while being bullied the shit out of.

When his health insurance is pulled, he takes a desperate job to infiltrate said AI system and shit goes wrong. But he is saved by Campanella, who may or may not have been the one who set the job in the first place. Now they are on the run.

Pixel art is very impressive, at least when it's on close up portraits. Also has a really nice fake PC interface for menus, alongside reading fake websites and chatlogs.

The hacking system was very simple "find password" that's basically just following story prompts, but I can see it having fun uses later.

It's now on my wishlist.

Heart of the Machine

youtube

Going from fighting the overlord AI to being the overlord AI. I am very bad at being the overlord AI.

I half remembered the trailer and thought this was going to be mostly branching story events and stat balancing. When I got to managing and customizing units I knew I was in unfamiliar territory.

There is something interesting in this basically being a stealth 4x, with a major factor being "how aware is the world of your machinations" and individual units having different security clearances and the like. But I couldn't figure out how to effectively utilize any of that before I felt like my time was spent going other demos. I've heard good things so I assume that 4x heads will like this.

The Operator

youtube

You play as an Operator in the not-FBI, who gives assistance to on-site agents from your computer. It's another fake-computer-terminal database mystery game, involving going through files and finding relevant information. Also aliens may or may not be involved.

Two major things of note so far:

1) Every one of these games handles their database a different way, trying to do some means of keeping the sprawl of info digestable. This one does so by just having a handful of files related to the case immediately sent to you, with the only outside help being a persons database and a car database to cross-check details, at least so far. Torn on this. On one hand it keeps things incredibly intuitive, on the other hand "pruning through fluff" feels like it should be part of the challenge.

2) Game is very intuitive on how to put in "answers" though. You're given a question and then once you figure something out you turn on answer mode and click the relevant text or image on the screen. No messing with a prompter or choosing a whole file or whatever.

Dungeons of Hinterberg

youtube

Modern fantasy setting where monster slaying and dungeoneering has become touristy sport, like mountaineering or skiing. You play as someone who is aiming to clear all 25 of the tourist town Hinterberg's dungeons.

Gameplay is split between previously mentioned dungeoneering, exploring areas and fighting monsters, and persona-ish town stuff, buying gear and making social links.

They are genuinely skilled at beautiful dungeon design. The one in the demo was a tribute to mario galaxy with a lot of circular land masses you run around. The actual hitting things… needs more impact. It does have bayonetta timeslow on perfect dodge though.

Only got one day of town stuff so I can't really pass too much judgement there.

I am worried about "how do you squeeze pathos out of this concept if all risk has been essentially gentrified in-setting" but there is a stinger at the end of "something is rotten in hinterberg"

Has promise but not top of the list.

#19th's steam next fest impressions #Youtube #Like every next fest this has been exhausting and I will keep doing this to myself

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crescentmoonrider · 7 hours ago

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another rewrite, except longer

Well, Arcane season 2 was certainly. Something

You can really see that the team was under pressure to put out a lot of things, and fast. Like, without mentioning how crammed this season was or the themes that were dropped, there was a shocking amount of continuity and characterization errors that should and would have been caught during script editing if the team was allowed more time. For one single example : the timeline of Vander and Silco’s falling out was completely butchered to the point it makes zero sense if we take the information from season 1 and 2 together. This should have been fixed during editing, and the fact it wasn’t reveals some deep issues with production

(My guess is that Riot pushed a release date for commercial tie-in reasons, and the one place the team could really cut corners was during writing, since animation is a slow process and Fortiche would depend on the scripts (or a rough outline at first) to get to work, and the music collaborations also require time + supplementary animation that all depends on the script to just. Exist. And Riot can more easily pressure its in-house teams than music producers and artists independent from the company. But that’s just a personal guess, I don’t actually know anything about the behind the scenes here)

Honestly I’ve been kind of simmering in the disappointment and wasted potential this whole week, and it’s been somewhat of an issue to focus on other stuff, so here’s what I’m going to do : I’m going to explain how I would rewrite this season to try and make it, if not good, then at least coherent with itself and with the themes developed in season 1. And then I’m never going to write anything else about this show again

Deal ?

Alright, let’s do this. Some ground rules first :

we’re working with just the one three-act season 2. Riot wants to move on to greener pastures to introduce more champions and skins, and we’re not winning against the corporate overlords. No added episodes, no season 3 to help pace things better. Welcome to hell

most of the issues I have with season 2 come from the second and third acts, so that’s what I’m going to focus on for the most part

I’m not introducing new characters or locations. Helps that I don’t know anything about League lmao, but more broadly what I mean is like. I’m in the writers room moving post-its on the wall, not writing a 200k fanfiction over like 10 years (real thing I’m currently doing for an A:tlA canon divergence if anyone’s wondering), I don’t have the time, nor the energy honestly, to make sweeping changes and consider their ramifications. We’re keeping things simple, basically

related to the above point, we’re keeping major plot beats. That means Magic Robot Jesus Viktor still happens, as does the Ekko-Heimerdingdong-Jayce dimensional displacement, or the battle against Ambessa’s troops. What I’m going to do is try to make them happen in a more natural, thematically resonant manner. Because I’m convinced it’s possible

Now, having said that, the first order of business for this rewrite (and honestly just, to make this season like. Coherent) is to make space for the plot and the themes. Class warfare and the question of Zaun’s independence were introduced in season 1 and still echo through act 1 and (in one episode) 2 of the second season, and the ending scene makes an attempt to bring them back with Sevika’s seat at the Council, so clearly the goal wasn’t to give that up entirely. Meaning we need to expand on those themes specifically, since familial bonds (the other main Arcane ingredient) are still very much there in the plot with little need to add onto them

Anyway the Black Rose plotline has to go. “But Yumi, didn’t you say you were keeping major plot beats ?” yeah this is the one exception. Look, it just doesn’t cohere. It has no thematic resonance, takes place in a completely different space than the rest of the plot, and basically only involves one single character. It was also the least established plot thread from the first season. Kino died and Ambessa made enemies, and so she wants Hextech. There’s no real need to elaborate on any of this in Arcane specifically. We’re cutting it. Mel can say that she’s going to look into her mother’s enemies/the people who killed her brother in her epilogue or something, and Riot can make a whole spinoff about her quest to find out she’s a mage and still get a shiny new champion out of it, or whatever it is they’re doing with her

Like I said. Idk anything about League. Please don’t tell me anything about League

Cutting out the Black Rose plotline does two things for this rewrite :

it frees up important time that can be spent on elaborating on pre-established themes and plotlines, thus making up for what is in my opinion the weakest and most disappointing aspect of season 2, which is that they completely dropped the ball on class warfare

it frees up Mel’s character

We do need to quickly address the reason Mel survives Jinx’s missile at the start of the season, since she was right in the crosshairs, but that can be done very easily honestly – I may not know shit about League, but I remember the post-season 1 theories, and there were mentions of an in-game item that acts like a magic shield or something ? We’re gonna say she was wearing something of the like, just in case something ever happened. Because she’s been raised in Noxus, by Ambessa, and doesn’t trust that she won’t ever be attacked, even in Piltover. If Ambessa and her guard can have anti-magic runes, Mel can have a force-field

It’s single-use and she only took one of these shields when she was cast off, so no more easy out for her

There’s no need to explain why Jayce barely got a scratch in my opinion, sometimes people are just lucky. It’s not uncommon for survivors of like, car crashes or terror attacks, to just have a light concussion while the guy next to them died. Things happen. Survivor’s guilt is real, and random chance plays a role no matter how much we’d like to think it doesn’t

Anyway back to Mel

Since she isn’t a mage in this rewrite, we’re having her “be the fox” so to speak. She knows Ambessa, knows not to trust her, and does her best to oppose Noxian influence over Piltover as part of the council – however, as we’ve seen happen in episode 1, right now her influence has dwindled, and all she can do is try to limit the damage. This does not get any better when Ambessa gets Caitlyn propelled to the role of puppet dictator and Jayce vanishes

If Mel wants to counter Ambessa’s plans and preserve Piltover from becoming some sort of fucked up military experiment, she cannot do it alone. She needs allies. People she can trust would never agree with Ambessa’s ambitions, and who could both weaken Noxus’ influence and help Mel regain some of her counterbalancing weight – but also, and this is always key to negotiation and alliances, people who could benefit from what Mel has to offer

Her options are limited, but since Ambessa is using the conflict with Zaun as fuel for her campaign, well. If you can’t fight a fire directly, you need to starve it. Mel, through her Zaunite catgirl informant, gets in touch with what undercity “leaders” she can find. Namely Sevika and the Firelights’ lieutenant

We can find an echo of this decision in the discussion between Jayce and Silco in season 1, specifically this line : “I was reminded recently of what brought us together in the first place. The threats beyond our walls.”

Now, obviously her offer for parlay gets rejected at first. Neither Piltover nor Mel (as both a Council member and Noxian) have earned Zaun’s trust at this point

But the situation isn’t getting any better, Ambessa gathers troops to pick up Vanderwick at Viktor’s commune, and Jinx isn’t showing up anywhere to keep morale high and unite Zaun’s people under a strong symbol. Sevika thinks back to Silco leaving to go on a meeting with Jayce and negotiate their independence, and while she’s always preferred to serve the cause by following someone who actually has plans on how to get things done, right now there’s no one like that left. Ekko’s second looks at the tree’s leaves falling and realizes that they’ll have to make a new place if this one falls apart, and right now there’s nowhere in Zaun that is safe enough for that, no place that is safe for the children here

They already agreed to unite old enemies once before, leaderless goons and Firelights and Jinxers, all under the banner of Zaun. It didn’t work, sure, but they tried. They showed up at the meeting. Sevika called the meeting. The two agree to meet with Mel once, to see what she wants

Ideally we’d have a scene where we contrast the Firelights coming to a communal decision on what to do and their list of demands, with Sevika writing her list on her own while some knuckleheads roughhouse it in the background (maybe Sevika even pulls out the manifesto Silco was writing in the flashback for reference, again as contrast – and continuity – with the Firelights, with the past and present/future of Zaun’s independence movement all tying together here). We’re on a tight schedule though, so maybe part of that scene’s hitting the cutting room floor, idk

Anyway Mel makes a request for peace, to cut the grass under Ambessa’s foot so she has no standing anymore to justify her takeover of Piltover, and Sevika and the Firelight guy make their demands. Independence, amnesty for all Zaunite freedom-fighters rotting in Stillwater, access to trade routes, control over the ventilation system (it’s not independence if someone else controls the air you breathe. Or your water, or your electricity. Free Palestine) etc. We can add more clauses, but those would be the main ones

The meeting would be tense at first, since none of these people really trust each other, but they soon realize they’re all desperate to make things better in some way, so they do shake hands at the end even though no deal has been reached yet. They’re not going to become friends, but they can work together and honestly ? That’s already a lot

The sticking point would be Jinx, of course, but thankfully she’s letting herself get arrested by act 3 so we can leave that aside for now. Sevika and Firelights insist that they don’t give up their own, though. Loyalty is the only thing Zaunites can count on, after all

Now, before moving on to act 3, there’s still a little housekeeping to do

First, we need to fix the fuckiness of the Vander flashbacks and his letter to Silco. Like, the falling out between the two could not have happened after the tragedy at the bridge, for multiple reasons. For one, the Vander drowning Silco in season 1 was shaved clean, while the Vander at the bridge has his full beard on. For two, you’re telling me Vander dropped his gloves and picked up the girls and supposedly brought them home, shaved his beard, then went back up to the Pilt to drown his best friend, in what’s supposed to be horrible grief and anger and not premeditation ? It just doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t compel me either

Anyway, I’m not opposed to Vander writing the letter to Silco after the girls’ mom died, in a “I’ve just lost my other best friend and I’m now realizing I went about everything the wrong fucking way and I’m so sorry” kind of way. So that’s what the letter is now, an apology that’s much too late to fix anything, and an attempt at bridging a gap of many years between two people who used to be comrades

And obviously we’re getting rid of the bit of flashback where it’s implied Silco accidentally killed the girls’ mom with a Molotov because that’s just stupid. We don’t need to know what he and Vander broke up over, but it can’t be something that weakens the themes of police brutality and oppression. And don’t “cycle of violence is also a theme” me, they’re revolutionary leaders, they’ve made mistakes and got their people killed or arrested before. You don’t get called the Hound of the Underground without brutally killing a couple few dudes, and that shit has repercussions

Another point before we move on to act 3 is the question of what the hell Sky is supposed to be. In a show that has always been really good at making clear what is a hallucination and what isn’t, Sky’s existence in Viktor’s mind… perplexes me. I interpreted her presence as a manifestation of his guilt over her death and the wasted potential of her too-short life, and how he now wishes he had like, acknowledged her while she was still by his side and not dust. But other people think she’s been idk, absorbed into the arcane ? And that it was therefore the real Sky hanging out with Viktor

In short, it needs to be clearer what’s going on here, and given the fact that they don’t develop Sky’s character and that her whole tragedy is that her life was cut short so suddenly, I think leaning into the idea of her as a manifestation of guilt and Viktor’s isolation (he knows all of his followers, but is still separate from them both physically and in the fact that they do not know what he’s about, and also he’s just lost all two of his friends) would be interesting

Makes the later “I will miss our conversations” “No, you won’t” line more impactful too, as it would be Viktor’s conscience calling him out on the fact that, like, he never really talked to Sky while she was alive. He is missing the idea of her, and trying to make himself feel better about accidentally murdering her when he is now also actively trying to make himself incapable of feeling regret anymore, and thus incapable of learning from his mistakes the way he did when Sky died

With that said, on to act 3 !

Episode 7 is like, very good already, and the fact that it gets time travel right ? Beautiful. Love to see it. The main thing I would change is that there is no way Ekko would think Vi’s death is the only catalyst for change in this world. Like, the divergence is much older than that – and I’m not just talking about Silco finding the letter, I mean that Zaun is just, actively participating in Piltovian culture and events ? They’re part of the Inventors Contest ?? How the hell did that happen ???

I’m not saying we need a detailed timeline, but simply that someone (Ekko) should really remark on that

Also Silco’s eye should be fucked, maybe even gone, if he didn’t have access to Singed’s help to maintain it. Him becoming “good” should not mean that his disability is prettier to look at, and honestly I hate that ugly disabilities tend to be shorthand for evil characters in media. It’s not unique to Arcane, but it was especially disappointing to see it done to Silco of all characters, when his disability was dealt with so gracefully in season 1

We’ll come back to Jayce’s little dimensional trip later, for now it’s fine

Now, the preparations for the battle against Ambessa’s troops… I mean, first of all no one from Zaun is getting put in an enforcer uniform, like what the fuck ?! But also the plan and the way it’s explained changes – no we need your help to save Piltover, it’s “we need your help to save the world,” with an insistence that it doesn’t change the justified resentment Zaun holds for Piltover, but that this fight is also for the sake of their own survival, as Jayce very clearly saw that everything will be ruined if Viktor reaches his goal. Mel’s talks with Sevika and the Firelights also come into play here, as they can now more easily put conditions on their help, and Mel is more likely to agree to push for Zaun’s interests

Most of the city is still evacuated, no one wants a massacre of civilians, but focusing the fighting solely on the Hexgates is just. Look, Ambessa is an experienced military leader, she knows how to lay a siege and fight against conventional military techniques. So the defence now has two layers, proposed by Mel as she knows to use every advantage she can grab. She is the fox in this rewrite, remember

At the Hexgates, enforcers and Piltovan volunteers will man the cannons and more or less do what they did in canon. The other layer is built on the Mel/Zaun collaboration and guerrilla tactics. The goal is to disrupt Ambessa’s troops and their advance and prevent a frontal clash at the Hexgates as much as possible as Mel anticipate it would be what Ambessa is expecting and would thus be prepared for. With the help of Mel and her knowledge of Piltover’s streets (and possibly Caitlyn’s map of the ventilation system, and whatever other cool tricks might be built into the city. Inventors made this place, there’s bound to be interesting things going on), Sevika, as well as gang members and Jinxers and the Firelights who agreed to/can fight (children were evacuated) lay traps and plan for ambushes and ways to make as much damage as possible without engaging frontally

Academy members help pitch the Firelights’ hoverboards so they can move about efficiently in Piltover’s lighter air. Weapons are greased and sharpened, explosives raided from Jinx’s place and passed around for the teams that need them. Ekko’s lieutenant passes a screwdriver to Sevika, who makes sure her arm is all ready for combat. Mel enters the room to ask how the preparations are going, and the two Zaunite leaders exchange a nod before Sevika hands Mel a dagger, just in case she finds herself in the line of fire. “Wouldn’t want to lose our one ally topside,” one of them says, and it’s pretty obvious that they agreed to this beforehand. When they all leave the room, Mel stands alone, looking down at the blade in her hands

Now, is a fight on multiple fronts hard to plan for and choreograph? Yes. Good thing I’m not animating any of this !

Notable moments would include Caitlyn leaving her post because she can’t see Maddie where she’s supposed to be, and that’s when she finds Maddie trying to do acts of sabotage. She hesitates, clearly still holding affection for her, but her presence has alerted the Firelights’s current leader, and he flies to take out Maddie right as Maddie notices Caitlyn and prepares to shoot her in turn. Caitlyn thanks him and apologizes for hesitating, he grunts and leaves to take care of more things a little farther away

Caitlyn now being down in the streets, where the guerrilla is going on, leads to her losing an eye while saving a Zaunite, not hesitating this time. Tempted to say she saves Sevika, as they have a conflict-filled history together and it would demonstrate Caitlyn’s growth and her ability to put grudges behind for the greater good (and not just for Vi’s sake as she’s already shown when letting her free Jinx) and mark the start of her efforts to make up for the suffering she’s inflicted on the people of Zaun. We’re not going to see much of these efforts because the series is ending soon, but it’s important to show that the seeds are there for reparations

In any case, Ambessa doesn’t get her cool one-on-two duel with Caitlyn and mage!Mel, since we’re not stopping the fighting this time, and also Mel isn’t a mage. Sevika and the Firelights’ lieutenant two-time her at some point, Sevika gets knocked to the ground while his ride is destroyed and he is sent flying into a fountain or something. Ambessa prepares to deal the final blow on Sevika, who struggles with the handle of her arm’s wheel of fortune, when someone stabs her from behind. She turns around, striking her assailant with one fist, revealing Mel, who looks up at her mother in grief and pain and horror. Focus on Mel’s eyes (“[…] you weakened me ! I couldn’t stand the look in your eyes when I made the decisions, the necessary decisions to keep us safe !” is the idea) as Ambessa pauses for just a second, distracted. That’s a mistake she can’t take back, even as she raises her weapon again, and the maw of Sevika’s arm bites down on her neck like a wolf taking down a prey, the jackpot smile flashing on her shoulder

She helps Mel (still upset about having stabbed her mom, been hit by her in turn, then watched her die brutally, but trying to hide it) get back up and gives her a pat on the shoulder and a “thanks” while turning away

And that’s when the robots come in and everyone’s mind is slowly taken over

(The fight against Ambessa would have been intercut with Hexgate fighting as Viktor’s cocoon slowly approaches, with the empty cocoon reveal coming only after her defeat)

So now we reach the Jayce and Viktor face-off. And honestly ? I only have like, two changes to make here. I’m fine with it. I think I’ve said it before, but I’m fine with most of this season, just not the way it was executed

Anyway change the first ! Viktor actually corrects Jayce on his motivations as I already went over real quick in this post – it’s not about fixing what Viktor sees as imperfections, it’s about putting an end to all conflict, oppression, class warfare, and the environmental results of all that that made him slowly and painfully die. I also need him to go “My disease ? My disease was not beautiful, Jayce, it destroyed my body from the inside ! I was fine being a cripple* but this pain ? Dying before I could truly help anyone ? That’s not beautiful, that’s just, just… unfair, and cruel, and for what ? So Piltover never has to see its own sewage, or breathe the same air as we do ?” and then from there go on about how the Great Evolution is about changing humanity for the good of everyone, so no one has to suffer unnecessarily from the greed and selfish desires of other people, and to put an end to all inequalities

*Viktor self-identifies as a “poor cripple from the Undercity” in season 1 episode 2 I’m not calling him slurs I just genuinely think that’s how he sees himself

And then, once everything has come clean, Jayce can go like “well obviously society has to change to accommodate people in all their differences, look at all the people fighting to make that happen, look at us and our dreams to better everyone’s lives – making everyone the same will just make you alone and miserable” and show him what alternate!Viktor shared in the dimensional field trip

Which brings us to change the second : make it clear that Viktor is not mister magic man who gave Jayce the runes. Designs don’t match, hands don’t match (mister magic man has hand tattoos, alternate!Victor does not, for instance) – which makes Jayce being able to stop Viktor in his world the product of just dumb luck rather than an experiment from alternate!Viktor or something. The same dumb luck that saved his life in the first episode of the season, the same dumb luck that made it so he was born in Piltover rather than Zaun, the same dumb luck that got Sevika the jackpot in her fight with Ambessa. Jayce asks alternate!Viktor why he gave him the rune and a!Viktor says “it wasn’t me. But I did bring you here, because I saw a possibility for change I haven’t seen in any other world. I don’t know the cause – maybe there isn’t one. Maybe this is a wild rune, a ripple born from inconsequential actions long ago. Maybe it’s simply luck. [flash to the acceleration rune and Ekko and Sevika’s jackpot and Jayce surviving the explosion unscathed at the start and maybe a whole other slew of tiny lucky moments] But you’re the only one who can do it, Jayce. Only you.” And then have them be absorbed into the rune to become an arcane queer singularity together

I’m not necessarily opposed to Zaun having a place in the Council as a first step to independence in the epilogue, but it needs to be half of the Council. One single seat means nothing, we’ve seen loads of decisions be taken with a majority vote rather than unanimity, Zaun having only one seat is a spit in the face of everything they’ve been fighting for, and I can’t imagine any Zaunite actually agreeing to that. Anyway I’d like a big celebration of independence with everyone, but a first step is also okay, it’s not like all plot points all need to be resolved neatly so long as we keep the door open

Maybe have Caitlyn say “you’re not dirt” in the same light tone Vi said she’s the dirt under Caitlyn’s fingers, also. Just a small, loving reassurance during that scene

Also Ekko can not end the series on his own what the hell ? It’s fine if he grieves Jinx and Heimerdinger in quiet solitude, but the rest of the Firelights should come in at the end of the scene to comfort him, because he is the one character in this series who is entirely focused on community, and leaving him on a solitary note feels like a betrayal in my opinion

… and with that, I think we’ve reached the end of this rewrite !

I hope you enjoyed this small vision of what could have been, I’m completely winded now and I think my anger has run its course. I’m done writing about this show now. Might rewatch season 1 again soon though, I miss Silco

#arcane #arcane season 2 #arcane s2 #arcane spoilers #yumi writes #okay hopefully now i can sleep well again #was thinking too much about lost potential #and it just. cooked my brain #anyway im done now so im gonna work lmao #stay silly yall :3 even if youre annoyed :3 #and dont let yourself stew in anger #its just gonna hurt you #take a deep breath and write it out #and then do something fun :]

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thessalian · 2 months ago

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Thess vs Valid Critique

For all I am still hugely excited about having Silent Hill 2 (and frustrated beyond all reason at some of the bullshit going on around it, which I will go into momentarily), I'm a little less mopey and a little more accepting, if grudgingly, of my various limits. I pushed too hard the last few weeks and I need an actual rest, so today was largely about putting together some homemade instant hot chocolate mix (because 'tis the season for the warm drinks to come out) and playing Wildermyth.

Part of those limits is the bloody flu vaccine. My left arm still hurts, mostly around the injection site, and while I'm feeling a bit better after way more sleep than I suppose most people tend to need, I'm still a little wrecked. I mean, don't get me wrong - if the vaccine hits me this hard, it's just as well to get it because a bad case of flu would probably be a nightmare. Just ... you know. Same old "everything bad is intensified and I hate it" complaint. So after measuring and sifting and cleaning various powders off my countertops, a game with relatively simple gameplay and still a reasonable amount of story was pretty much just the thing.

As to Silent Hill 2, obviously I still want to keep playing it, and I will, once I feel a little better. I don't know how long that'll take, but it will still be there. I think part of my grumpiness about it is wanting to in some way stick it to some of the aforementioned bullshit surrounding it. The neckbeards are one thing - even if "vandalising the entire Wikipedia page with false review scores and incel rants" just makes me roll my eyes so hard they're in danger of falling out of my head. Like, they're pretty clearly taking a leaf out of the current Republican Party handbook - if the facts don't match up with their beliefs? Lie your ass off. They're just getting louder and angrier lately because of how obvious it is becoming that they are no longer the majority, and honestly never were. While corporations are never going to be anybody's friends, they do at least acknowledge that half of the people doing the bitching about how "woke" gaming has become either had no intention of buying the game in the first place or will buy it regardless of how "woke" it is, and thus actually being inclusive will get them more money in the long run. The neckbeards tried a certain amount of lying with statistics in the form of, "Look at this huge percentage of people who don't really care about that DEI shit!" but the wording they're using makes it pretty clear that that huge percentage of people may not be desperate for it, but certainly aren't against it either - not the way the neckbeard assholes are. Most of us can put up with a game that doesn't go out of its way to be inclusive because we've been doing so for decades - we're used to the eye candy and the carbon-copy YAGWD protagonist, anyway. The thing is, most of us also understand that it's not "shoehorning in minorities where they don't belong" because ... y'know, people who aren't Yet Another Grizzled White Dude do actually exist, and seeing them shouldn't be the end of the fucking world.

Then there's the Guardian review. Now, I mostly trust the Guardian on reviews ... but I admit that a lot of those are for lesser-known indie titles. Whoever wrote the review for the Silent Hill 2 remake seemed to have been going out of his way to look at nothing more but the surface level of the game. Honestly, it's not that the reviewer didn't like the game that bothered me; it's that the review itself was apparently just an excuse to shit on a game from a great height and get paid for it. My old Theatre Studies teacher would have looked over his review and not only given it a failing grade, but read it out to the entire class as an example of what not to do. It was fairly clear that as someone who had heard all the hype but was "too young to play it at the time", that he had very different expectations of what "an excellent video game" looks like. If he'd talked at all about his expectations instead of "I don't care about Angela; I've got enough to do looking for my two-dimensional maybe-dead wife and for some reason doing busywork like gluing together records", or if he'd explained why he felt those elements didn't work, I'd respect it, even if I didn't agree. But for fuck's sake, if you're going to critique something, critique it; don't just lob a few insults at it and call it a day. Especially not when you're getting paid for it. You want to just insult a game you didn't like? That's your right, but go do it on Steam or Metacritic like everyone else.

I mean, is it wrong that the main reason I get upset about this type of behaviour isn't out of protectiveness of a game / book / franchise / even person I admire and more out of wanting a better debate partner than this? Like, I will hear you out all day if you give me some kind of explanation; I will be grateful for the new perspective, even if I don't agree, and then we can at least have a discussion about how our respective viewpoints affect our enjoyment of the ... whatever it is we're discussing. But just insulting it leaves no room for discussion--

Whiiiiiiiich is why they do it. It's harder to challenge a definitive but subjective-as-fuck statement. They don't want a debate; they want to be right. Well, fine. I like being right too. But things you like aren't things to be 'right' or 'wrong' about, and if I'm going to feel obliged to justify my enjoyment of something, I want a decent debate with a rational human being, not a kid on the playground using offensive language as an everything-proof shield against an opinion that wouldn't even really hurt them if they were as firm in their opinion as they make themselves out to be but which they can't even listen to for some reason.

Gods, some people's egos are weird.

#Thess plays video games #Thess gets aerated

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betterbemeta · 1 year ago

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"despairpilled whatevercore" is how I would describe Cyberpunk 2077 itself so far. Maybe it will surprise me. But I doubt it. let me explain but backwards:

Whatevercore,,,

The first thing that stands out to me about this setting is that there is no concept of 'counterculture.' In a game that has 'punk' in the title! That may be part of the 'point', that because the dominant culture's capitalist nightmare has consumed every possible human choice, motivation, emotional experience or expression it's all for sale and therefore it's extremely difficult to meaningfully oppose it. The police is normative culture. fuck the police is normative culture. conformity is normative, non-conformity is normative, rage against the machine is normative as a part of the machine... But what this means is that every possible aesthetic is blasting in your face at any given time at maximum volume surrounded by the trashiest possible conditions even in the supposedly high-class areas, so there are very few coherent emotional statements, reactions to the conditions (come back to this later) that could constitute 'punk art.'

And no, faking some kind of future-street-slanguage stand-in for AAVE does not constitute 'urban' punky flavor.

(Caption: ugh)

It's just aesthetic 'whatever' made with voyeurism to a racialized, class-linked idea of 'subculture' in mind, with no authentic foundation.

Now, I can understand the type of satire that exaggerates current conditions to express dissatisfaction with them, a desire to blow them all to bits. Warhammer 40k is a bit like this. But Cyberpunk 2077 makes the same mistake as Warhammer 40k: earnestly marketing the dystopian conditions as 'cool.' In reality everyone in this entire Cyberpunk 2077 world is deeply deeply uncool because none of them are fighting the currents that deposit them like sand in the suffering river, or at least not in any way that doesn't just replicate its conditions. you're never 'cool' if you follow the dominant hierarchical authoritarian thought in the world you live in, yes even if you mean to oppose it and YES! THAT MEANS YOU, KEANU REEVES! HOW DID PLAYING PRESIDENT TRUMAN SIMULATOR WORK OUT FOR YOU?

Rolling around being a super cool cyber assassin as a power fantasy is not counterculture in the world of Cyberpunk 2077 itself. at all. I have no choice but to be V who is one, and my experience is smooth and requires no thinking or friction besides two shit plot options that will both end bad for me sometimes, or how to blow up a buncha guys with my mind bullets and regular bullets. I swooce between cyber gang bandit lairs cleaning them out for the police. My wardrobe is mostly clothes i take from my dead enemies. I look horrible and I cant do anything about it right now.

I tried to design my V as a cute goth trans girl because if the game is going to force me to have a gender, that's the only correct answer. Sure, they have a bunch of lipstick shapes but they all kind of suck and ONLY ONE SHADE OF BLACK?! perish by my hand!!! There are a lot of 'options' for the character creator but all and all you can't actually execute them well as part of a 'look' anywhere near the start of the game so right away spiritually, physically, aesthetically, you're doomed to basically be 'whatevercore.' I could understand 'you gain the right to express yourself as you become more badass and accumulate more stuff' except for 1) the game LEADS with that this is a world of 'style over substance' in the character creator (an anti-punk statement if I ever heard one!!! the right to be so substantial you make people SICK is a punk fundamental RIGHT!) and 2) if a 14 year old could be a goth in middle school how come nobody running around is really 'anything' including me????

Despairpilled,,,

An important question and what I suspect is the theme of this game comes pretty early, from Dexter DeShawn: "Would you rather live in peace as Mr. Nobody, die ripe, old and smelling slightly of urine? Or go down for all times in a blaze of glory, smelling near like posies, without seeing your thirtieth?"

He's asking if I'm suicidal.

Everywhere I turn in Night City there's graffiti like, NO FUTURE or, THE END IS HERE. I think I saw an ACAB once but it was under a bunch of other stuff.

Even at the top of society, suicide seems like a prevalent theme given its relevance to Saburo Arasaka and his various children. Hell, Saburo wants you (an American) to be suicidal. It seems to be his goal, in how the Arasaka corporation targets the USA in specific. He is fighting a war against 'America' personally, like it's WWII. In a literal sense. The Japanese dominance in this story is primarily a dated one formed of American guilt, a fear of repercussions for atrocities of the atomic bomb from an enemy that committed (and denies) its own atrocities.

I don't want to say suicide isn't a powerful theme for a story. But the execution of this (no pun intended?) has very little relevance in a video game where your future does not move forward unless you do it yourself and moving forward often means like... roaming around barging into people's homes and getting into a zillion gunfights to no permanent consequences for you.

When I think of 'punk' attitudes, I don't really think about suicide by cop or drug overdose or a detachment from reality. I think like, 'we're not going to take this.' I think about Pride. I think about black activism. I think about die-ins on the steps at Capitol Hill. I think about a desire to live, demanding others not look away from those who are living and feeling. I think about anger at human sacrifice. Riots typically are about the right to not die, they aren't about a death wish.

#cyberpunk 2077 #long post #despairpilled whatevercore #suicide cw

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my-lunaberg · 3 months ago

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Hello! I saw your post on asking ab ppl's opinions on the DSMP and had so many thoughts to share I actually went to my pc to write this, lol. Long ask incoming, sorry.

I started watching the DSMP in august of 2020, specifically right after the Techno vs. Dream duel. At this point in time, the Dream SMP tag had only like ten posts--not exaggerating, you would scroll and see the same few posts over and over again cause there was almost no fandom. I followed the series pretty much religiously all the way up to the prison break, where I then basically had to stop watching cause my life was falling apart (paying attention to streamers all day every day causes you to fail classes, who knew?)

So I guess I don't have a lot to say on the ending, other than it certainly was an ending. I think the crew did a good job with what they had, I liked the realization c!Tommy had towards c!Dream and what was once an innocent intention of server unity twisting into something else. I think using the nuke to blow everything up to start anew was a cop-out, but I also know (or at least feel like) the server itself was falling apart IRL and they had to bring it to a conclusion somehow. (Because of that, I knew the server wouldn't get a "season 2")

You mentioned how you liked it on a thematic level rather than emotional, and it really made me think about how my own interest manifested. I was certainly invested in these characters and their stories, but I only carried an emotional attachment to c!Tommy and c!Dream (and DreamXD, but only because I love deities in fiction).

I think, story-wise, the DSMP had many elements that hit hard, c!Tommy's abuse being one of them. During the prison arc, when c!Dream is being tortured constantly by c!Quackity, a large part of the fandom rooted for c!Q because c!Dream was an abuser and deserved the dehumanizing treatment. And boy do I have some opinions on that, lol. Because of the nature of the DSMP, I never thought of it as a teaching element, and your comment on that only being prevalent to children's media struck a chord--because, yeah, that makes sense. The target audience for the DSMP is a bit skewed, because it does take place in an all-ages video game, but the storyline and characters themselves would never get a G rating. I always considered the DSMP to be a bunch of people having fun exploring the different ways they can write a story/character, without any real end-game in mind. They did marvelous, too, in my opinion. I don't believe the DSMP was ever meant to be a literary marvel, or whatever the video-game equivalent is, so for a bunch of then-friends just throwing ideas at a wall and seeing what sticks with the fans, it did it's job.

People now, coming into the fandom for the first time, or looking in from the outside trying to analyze it, don't understand it, imo. It's not that the narrative can only be experienced at the time it was written, because no, you can watch and re-watch it thanks to VODS and recap channels. But so many people hear stories of it being a great time and a great story with great characters and then analyze it to put it on a pedestal only to see that its a piece of fiction with many flaws. Not understanding that the SMP wasn't created to be role-playing server, that never even crossed their minds. It was meant to be a place to have fun and explore a snapshot. That's not saying the cc's shouldn't have made the story in the first place, it's just highlighting how out of control the SMP got due to influencers' fame and fun writing. It was a product of its time because everyone was together, quarantined, exploring how far they could go in a virtual setting. Sorry, rambling a bit. I just think that a sensation like the DSMP can never be repeated on such a scale, and that feeling is why so many outsiders expect so much.

Hope this makes sense, haha. Sorry it's not juicy discourse, but thanks for listening anyway.

No its fine, thank you very much for telling me this!

I initially started watching I think right before the exile arc started but by the time I figured out how to best watch it and caught up with it, it had already been going for a few days, then I followed along with it for a while until I lost interest sometime after the big clingyduo v. Dream fight. Then in late 2022 I was at a local comic con and saw someone in a ghostbur cosplay and some people carrying around a big lmanberg flag and it just made me feel so nostalgic that I wanted to rewatch/finish it, and because I thought it would be fun I also made this sideblog to liveblog it. Im pretty sure dsmp was already over or at the very least getting close to the end by the time I did that, so it gave me a kind of distance that definitely affected my experience with the show.

Like, I think if I had kept up with it throughout (what i would consider to be) its decline and then had to witness that ending after all that, I would definitely feel more negatively about it, so I understand why it was upsetting for a lot of fans, but as it stands, I can mostly just remember it as an overall good piece of media that started stumbling towards the last quarter or so and then ended in a way thats fine, although not particularly satisfying on an emotional level. Like, Dream and Tommy's whole storyline was essentially about the cyclical nature of violence and I think ending the cycle is the best way to resolve that kind of story and in theory, having them make amends before they both die together sounds good to me, but idk, in practice I just didnt like it lol. I think its mainly because their attempts to make Dream seem more sympathetic were kinda too little-too late; Dream didnt have his own pov when most people did which automatically dehumanized him in the eyes of the audience, which was brilliant for the manipulative and unpredictable villian character that he was, but I feel like the CCs didnt really realize that that was the case and didnt feel the need to show stuff from his pov, when it was actually vital imo

You said that people coming into the fandom now come into it with these expectations and I think thats true, but I feel like people who have been following it since the rp properly started also tended to put it on a pedastal because of how genuinely impressively good it was in the beginning, and then when the finale was Like That, a lot of them were insanely disappointed. I also think thats where a lot of the discourse revolving around the ending sending a bad message comes from — a lot of people think of it as something very polished like an actual tv-show when thats simply not what it is or ever was. Its just people fucking around and having fun, and when people just fuck around, theyre not really thinking about "being responsible to their audience" or whatever. Take it from me as a writer lol, I have plans for ya-novels that touch on serious topics and with those I do try to be mindful of the fact that my audience is younger (although teenagers are obviously not children and already dont need to be taught via their media anymore imo), but when Im just writing a little short story I'll usually make it as fucked up as possible just because thats fun to me, yknow

#i feel like thats not really the best way to end this post but I dont really have much more to say #once again thank you for sending the ask ^^#asks

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limeleviathan · 6 months ago

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introducing traumatised lesbians: part 2!

meet Cerulean

yes im using the same second image as i did with AVIAN, sue me

anyway, this is Cerulean! she goes by she/her and is AVIAN's beloved girlfriend

her speech indicator will be C, for example (C: do you need a hug?)

she is one of the few members of the group who is not a Subject of Operation Vanguard, however she bore witness to what caused AVIAN to become part of it, and was most supportive of getting her the help she needed. she is incredibly compassionate, but fiercely defends her friends, drawing her blade if she believes any of them to be in danger

she is the quietest member of the group by far when around people she doesnt know, but around her closest friends, or especially her girlfriend, AVIAN, she is able to talk for hours

while she has no special abilities herself, the sword she wields does grant access to Blinking, a low-distance, electrified teleport, and the sword itself is capable of chaining lightning in exchange for a large amount of energy

BACKSTORY (Sunset Beginnings)

its an even longer one than the other two, 3000 words this time :3

I’ve never been the extroverted type. The fact that some people are able to talk to new people easily just doesn’t make sense to me. Whenever I see someone cool, someone who I want to get to know better, I’ve tried talking, but for some reason, when I began the conversation, it quickly ground to a halt.

Naturally, this made school difficult. Where others were in bustling circles, each group intertwined through a person or two, I sat alone. Whenever I tried to change that, people just moved on. I felt like no one wanted me. I felt like no one cared. A few other kids tried to stick with me out of pity, but I just couldn’t handle the group environment of most friend groups.

It wouldn’t come as a surprise that group projects always filled me with dread. Usually, when I see everyone else’s results, I see them all standing together, sharing together, enjoying each other’s company. My groups, however, are never that cohesive. While the rest of the group is always just talking and being happy, they leave me all the work because I don’t talk much, and then when my nervousness prevents me from sharing, they just take all the credit! I was considering just leaving school altogether, and I was only 10!

This all changed one day, though. As I walked into class, hoping I wouldn’t get too screwed over in the group project I knew we had today, the teacher gestured for me to sit at the table at the back of the room. Not a great start, considering the kind of kids that usually sit there. At least for now, though, the table sat empty, and I waited anxiously to find out who I would be with.

And then she walked in. I saw, coming through the door, the vibrant orange of Tangelo, known for assisting anyone with any troubles whatsoever. Whether just a confusing homework question or even losing a family member, she always put others first, and always made sure that the problem was managed before she left. I had always been hoping that someday I may be able to talk to her about my inability to make friends, but just being in her vicinity made the words get caught in my throat.

She followed the teacher’s gesture to my table, her face glowing with excitement. She was my opposite in almost every way imaginable: while I was reserved and kept to myself, she had an expansive circle of friends and talking to others was second nature to her. While I was always shy and scared of others’ perception of me, she was proud and uncaring of any criticisms anyone else has. Not that they have any. She had never made an enemy, as far as I knew.

Ever since our first day in this class, she had caught my attention and I wished I could be closer to her. The way she always smiles when anyone compliments her, the way she fervently defends anyone being bullied or even just insulted, the way she lights up the room just by entering it. Unfortunately, she made me more nervous than anyone else at first, so I was simply hoping that she would someday approach me.

Now, as I sat right next to her, I hoped that it would finally happen. And it did. About a minute after sitting down, she started talking. I still love how she is able to talk for hours on end, even when she has a sore throat and it physically hurts. She just loves the company of others, and being able to listen to her ramble on about her interests still warms my heart.

Wait, I’m getting sidetracked now. Where was I? Oh wait, she just sat down. Yeah, as she started talking, I immediately felt nervous, but unlike with anyone else, I was still able to talk relatively comfortably.

“Hi!” she exclaimed, her permanent smile still as bright as ever. “Hey,” I responded quietly, not sure how to approach a conversation like this. “Sorry in advance that you have to work with me… you probably know that I can’t present too well, so I think I’m going to have to leave that to you…” “Hey, don’t apologise. I didn’t just get put into this with you, I wanted to work with you. You’ve always been alone, and when you haven’t, you’ve always been thrown with the… less mature kids. Anyway, I asked Mr. Saffron if I could work with you, and he let us!” “You… you actually wanted to work with me? I… I’ve never actually had anyone want to spend time with me, let alone work with me.” “Well, that’s their loss! From what I’ve seen throughout the year, you’re a really cool person, and I probably would have approached you a little sooner if it weren’t for how you often seem kinda uncomfortable when talking with people.” “Wait, you noticed that? I’d always thought I’d kept that a lot more hidden…” “It is actually hidden fairly well, it’s just that I’ve always been able to tell when people don’t feel comfortable. Hey, if you want, you could hang out with me and my friends at lunch! We’re usually in the games room, you could meet us there!” “We have a games room?! Why did no one tell me about this sooner?!” “I take it you’re interested, then!” “Absolutely! Video games are my favourite!” “Well, I’ll see you there! Also it’s good to see you being excited, I haven’t seen that too much this year and I’m glad I’ve been able to help!”

She was right. I couldn’t remember the last time I was excited to do something social at the time. Usually I’d thought of it as a chore, but that time? Between spending more time with Tangelo and getting to maybe meet more people who love gaming, I was genuinely excited to meet someone for the first time in years.

We kept chatting as we worked on our poster, and when class finished, Tangelo led me out and towards the games room. As we stepped into the room, I was amazed. The whiteboard that stretched across the room was glowing with the light of a screen I knew well, coming from a projector at the back of the room. I looked around and saw a long table with bags and lunch boxes scattered across. In the centre of the room lay patches of beanbags, with 2 couches at the back. There was a group of sticks gathered around the front, where they each connected their controllers before they all turned to us.

“Hi guys!” Tangelo said, cheerfully. “We’ve got a new player here! Cerulean, say hi!” “Hey…” I murmured, not expecting to encounter so many people here. Tangelo noticed my hesitation, and turned to me, face warm with compassion. “It’s alright to be nervous. I know you struggle with talking to new people, especially so many.” How did she know? “Maybe it’d be better if we introduce you through the game. You know how to play Smash?” “Do I?! Of course I do!” “Well then! Grab a controller and let's play!”

I ran excitedly to the front of the room, and a tall purple stick handed me a pro controller. That stick came to be known as ARACHNID, Tangelo’s adopted sibling and fellow Subject later on. They have expressed wishes for their former name to not be disclosed, so I’ll just refer to them as ARACHNID from here on out. Anyway, I grabbed the controller, thanked them, and flopped onto a beanbag. Tangelo sat down with me shortly after. Then, we began.

These sticks were a lot better than I was expecting, but I think I held my own fairly well, especially considering that this was my first ever 8 player game. They were all so welcoming, and when I won game 3, they had an idea.

“Let’s all go random!” a green stick called out. Another stick I got to know better later on. Her, although at the time it was his, name was Forest, now known as LEVIATHAN or Lime. The reasoning behind that last nickname was an interesting one. One day, a while later, she would just pull a lime out of her backpack, mid-game, and just… take a bite out of it. Skin and everything. It was… certainly an interesting thing to witness, and distracted us just long enough for her to just get two free kills in that game. We never got distracted like that again, but we called her Lime from then on out.

Anyway, we all went random, and chaos ensued as almost everyone groaned after seeing their fighters, and then proceeded to target Tangelo who allegedly got one of her best ones. She still won. Her skill was admirable, and although the gap has closed slightly, it’s always impressive when she manages the impossible.

We kept playing until Lime checked her watch and declared that this was the last game. Upon its completion, we packed the switch into the drawer at the front of the room, which contained many more games and controllers left unused. I thanked everyone for letting me play and being so kind, and they let me know that I could return every day if I wanted to. Now, fast forward 4 years, me and Tangelo still go daily, with her whole friend group, although Lime and ARACHNID have both moved on to high school. Allegedly they also have a gaming group there, and also play Smash, so I expect that when we arrive next year, Lime will be ready to take us on in a school environment once more.

Anyway, that's enough about Year 5, time to talk about the next big moment. In Year 7, Tangelo invited me to her house for a sleepover, and her being my bestie, I accepted immediately. Here’s the difficult part, though. I had realised I was actually a lesbian a few months prior, when I began to develop a crush on her. I knew that I would probably get rejected, since she was probably straight and wouldn’t feel the same way, but after all that time, I thought I might as well tell her.

I thought of an amazing idea as to how: Truth or Dare. Never have I heard of a sleepover where Truth or Dare was never played, and you are bound to speak the truth there. So I decided I would try and slightly manipulate the game to the point where someone, hopefully Tangelo, would ask me about my crush.

As I arrived, I greeted Tangelo with the standard hug and bonk on the head that we often did to each other. She welcomed me inside, and showed me around. I saw ARACHNID just sitting in the living room on their phone, and they waved when they saw me. I waved back. When we got to Tangelo’s room, we heard the doorbell, and both sprinted back to the door to welcome Lime in. We all went back to Tangelo’s room, and I actually got a chance to look at it this time.

It was a fairly cosy yet chaotic place that reflected Tangelo very well. The bed was vibrant blues and oranges in a sunset, completely unmade. The corner of the room housed a large bookshelf, filled to the brim with many different series. Her bedside table held a stack of books seven high, all from one series. A desk in the corner held her laptop, and there was an external keyboard and mouse connected to it, all glowing a pale blue. I felt at ease in her room. I felt calm.

Another knock at the door, and Tangelo ran back over to let Scarlet in. As they both returned, we all sat on Tangelo’s bed and continued chatting. Eventually, Tangelo suggested we play Truth or Dare to spice things up. Considering that I was hoping for it, I accepted immediately, and Scarlet began.

“Tangelo, truth or dare?” she asked. “Let's start with a truth.” Tangelo replied. “Have you ever wished you could kill anyone?” “Nope! I try not to make enemies if I can avoid it, and besides, messing with them in every way imaginable is a lot more fun.” “...How would you know that it’s more fun?” Lime asked curiously. “Doesn’t take much thought to know that messing with someone is more fun than murder,” Tangelo responded. “Fair enough.”

I went next.

“Scarlet, truth or dare?” I asked. “Truth,” she responded. “Lotta truth already, huh,” I responded. “Anyway, have you ever had a crush on anyone?” “Yeah. There’s this one guy in my math class, you wouldn’t know him though. His name’s Turquoise.”

Next up was Tangelo.

“Forest, truth or dare?” “Truth,” he responded, sounding… nervous? Also I’m using he because that’s what he was at the time. That wouldn’t last much longer. “Hmmmm… What is your biggest secret?”

He took a deep breath, clearly mentally preparing to let out something big. We all waited anxiously, wondering what could be making him so nervous, especially considering that he very rarely got nervous at all, let alone THAT nervous.

At last, with a deep inhale, he finally began. “I… I’m…” He sighed, and, with a sudden burst of energy, announced “Ya boy’s a girl!” We all sat in silence for a moment, shocked by the sudden announcement, before Scarlet began chanting “One of us! One of us! One of us!”

Me and Tangelo immediately burst out laughing, before both flopping forwards to hug Lime. Scarlet joined us a moment later.

“I’m so glad you were able to tell us,” Tangelo told Lime, slightly muffled by being mid-hug with 3 other sticks. “And managing to keep your usual energy? That would have been tough with how stressful that must have been. We are all so proud of you” “Damn right we are!” Scarlet added, her voice filled with her usual fervour. “We’ll always love you, girl!” I exclaimed. In a much softer tone, I added, “we’ll always be here for you, you can come to us if you need it.” “Thanks guys,” Lime responded, “I’m so glad you all are so supportive. It means a lot to me.”

We all sat there for a few minutes, hugging each other like there was no tomorrow, before Lime sat up once more.

“Well, the game’s still going,” Lime announced, “and it’s my turn! Cerulean, truth or dare!” We all returned to where we were sitting, eager to return to the game. “Let’s mix things up a little. Dare!” “Slap ARACHNID with a fish.” “What?” “You heard me.” “Why?” “Why not?” “Hey, sorry to burst your bubble, but there aren’t any fish in this house right now,” Tangelo stated, sounding… regretful? Why was everyone so intent on me slapping Tangelo’s sibling with a fish? “I’ll deal with that,” Scarlet said, eyes filled with determination, “nearest supermarket is only a couple minute walk if I’m fast enough. I’ll have your fish soon!”

With that, she left the room. I was still confused on why everyone wanted me to slap Tangelo’s sibling with a fish, but hey, a dare’s a dare. In the meantime, we opted to continue our game without Scarlet until she returned. It was my turn once again. I decided to continue my plan.

“Forest, truth or dare.” “Truth.” Perfect. “Who is your crush?” “Don’t have one right now.”

I hoped that Tangelo would continue the cycle. This question frequently began one.

“Cerulean,” she asked, seeming surprisingly hesitant, “truth or dare?” I hoped this would lead where I thought it would. “Truth.” “Who… who is your crush?” This was exactly what I was hoping for. And it was incredibly nerve-wracking. But I wasn’t going to back down now. Nervousness be damned, I was going to confess! “My crush…” I began, nervousness near overwhelming. “My crush is… it’s you, Tangelo. But I know you’re probably straight, so I haven’t told you… until now.”

Lime went silent, turning to Tangelo. Tangelo seemed even redder than usual.

“That…” she stuttered, clearly nervous about something. “That was… This is… I can’t believe…” She stopped, as though words were failing her, and then simply jumped forward and hugged me. As I sat there, about to hug back, feeling my face burning up, she whispered “I had a crush on you too.”

Lime sat there for a moment in awe, then finally let her excitement show, letting out an incoherent string of words, clearly excited that her friends had found love, and that she was there to witness it.

Now, to this day, that was still the greatest day of my life. Me and Tangelo are still together, two years later, and have really been through thick and thin. I mean, yeah, we did both explode in a car crash that one time, and it was easily the most terrifying moment of my life, since while me and her mum had recovered quickly enough, she was still completely unconscious, and had to have cybernetic replacements to save her life.

She made it through completely fine, especially due to Lime, now also known as Subject: LEVIATHAN, and her newfound mechanical abilities. ARACHNID went into the Operation that saved her life as well, which is where they got the name of Subject: ARACHNID. Now, me and Tangelo, who is now also known as Subject: AVIAN, like to make use of her new abilities of flight to fly around the sunset, me in her arms, away from the rest of the world.

I am so glad I was able to meet her, and I love her with all my heart. She was my only friend when I had no others, and then as I got to meet her friends, I finally had a group I felt at home with.

Oh yeah, Scarlet did get back, she did get a fish, and I did slap ARACHNID with it. They were confused for a moment, but found it very funny as well. Good times!

#lime's idiocy #lime's ocs

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