#at least i've been brushing my teeth consistently?

[thesleepiestselkie]

oooouughhhh i am doing so bad at this whole bedtime thing

[running-with-kn1ves]

Desperation

A/N: I wrote something very similar to this with the Belsire previously but I couldn't help myself 🙏

Belsire: male equivalent to the Beldam (Coraline)

CW: kidnapping, manipulation, sewing needles

A beautiful lullaby hummed against your ear, fog-like breath both chilly and thick caressed against its shell.

You never imagined that he could sew; sure, he was keen to cook you extravagant dinners, you never saw him clean despite the crooked house always spotless, and the clothes that were put in your drawers were consistently washed-- but such delicate needlework? You didn't think the creature had it in him. His fingers seemed made for it though, long and spindly and black at the tips, they held the needle at a fine point, without having to lick the end of the thread before putting it through the eye.

"Stab the needle through the eye....wrap two knots around the tongue, and pull it out the mouth."

His low, rasped voice was unlike anything you've heard from the men in the "real" world. Its croaky demure made sound as if his vocal chords were on the brink of snapping. It was very few and far between that his voice resounded throughout the house in a thunder-like boom.

Tonight, was not one of those nights. Not unless you made an effort to wrangle out of between his stick-like forearms in the wooden chair and began yelling ungrateful spiels whilst staying in HIS house. He said it was yours-- your "other home," but since the gateway tunnel back to your original 1-bedroom apartment became nothing but sturdy drywall with a key hole, its been his. It was always his, you were just too blind to see past the beautiful illusions built for you.

"Just like that... mending is simple work."

You feel his left hand, the one once holding your torn cardigan steady, reach up to lay a cold finger beneath your chin. It rubs back and forth, relishing in the warmth of your throat, the soft flesh between your jaw and jugular.

The Belsire seemed to enjoy running his smooth, icy digits along your naked skin, brushing from side to side, up and down to dip against your collar bone. He relished your warm-bloodedness from how often he took advantage of it. It was a wild contrast to his ever-frozen, rigid body draped in fine blacks and bruised shadows.

"C-can you show me again?" You plead, hoping the end of this activity wouldn't be the finale before your demise. Each time you have one of these "bonding" sessions the Belsire encourages you to entertain him with, you anticipate it being your last.

Each day you wait and wait... wondering if he's hungry again, if it'll hurt, if you'll make one more frustrated comment away that'll make him snap and pick your bones clean.

"Again..?" He tapped thrice on your neck, a twitching habit that sent cold shocks through you. "Why don't you try it yourself this time, dear?"

The sweet, affectionate name oozing from his lips was unnatural-- and yet, perfectly normal for the creature of love seduction. How many had fallen for that same adoring title, only to find themselves now locked in his stomach?

You couldn't tell anymore what was genuine adoration, or a disturbing method at getting you to put your guard down. When he was angry with you, for hiding or attempting another escapade to get back home,  'dear' transformed to spits of "insolent one" and "maddening human", at the very least. On his worst days you were a bewitching, dimwitted little creature too stupid to be let free- better off in his hands if not crunched between his teeth.

"I'm not too sure, I might..accidentally stab myself with the needle, you know?"

You shrug in feigned helplessness, hoping your lack of enthusiasm wouldn't tick him closer to the dark side.

"If you do, then I'll lick your wound and we can start again. Give it a try, won't you? I've seen your work on my coats," he mumbles lowly at the rest of his comments, "and that damned quilt you seem keen to keep."

He muses at the mention of your skilled handiwork you sneak to do when he's gone away at "none of your concern" events. However he knew of your activities in this prison cell while he was out didn't surprise you; the house had eyes, in places you'd rather not think of.

You took the needle from within his delicate grasp, mahogany red thread swinging loose and ready to be tightly wound in your wine colored cardigan.

You copy the movements he had done a million times, though you really weren't watching when he had. It was hard to concentrate with your body shivering, waiting for a sharp dagger or set of teeth to find it's way buried in your back.

The Belsire seems to ease up as you begin to complete the torn cardigan hole, placing two abnormally long hands upon the sides of your shoulders.

"Don't move," he grumbles, almost annoyed at the idea. "Smooth and quite warm... I never understood the pleasure of keeping food around longer than it's due date. But you, little button... why, you're almost opening a soft spot inside of me.."

You didn't like the sound of that. A soft spot within him would certainly be something he sought to squash.

"Are you sure you want a soft spot? I'm not even sure where that would be."

You almost laugh at your own joke, imagining his crisp limbs deflated. If you were making a soft spot, you best keep at making it grow.

"It seems you force it in me, whether I like it or not. I enjoy having you to myself, to come home to... even if the idea that you're taking part of me, is... infuriating."

The Belsire leans deeper into you, pressing the inside of his thighs against yours, craning his neck downward.

"The unfortunate part is, I think I may fall apart if you disappear."

You see the looks he gives from the corner of your eye; dark, empty buttons staring into you, awaiting your reaction. Was this another attempt to swoon you?

"Then I guess that means you can't eat me."

You sigh, hoping he'd agree. And oddly enough, he cracks a grin.

"I guess not. Though, don't hold your breath. I can't make any promises as to what my temper will lead to." The bridge of his nose is uncharacteristically pressed against your cheek, black dots boring holes into you. "On the topic, I'd be less inclined to eat you if you accepted my present..."

You round off the last bit of stitching, only to see an all too familiar velvet box on your left. It was open, music box playing a soft melody as a range of colors and sizes in buttons were available to view.

"I... I still can't, give you an answer." You go back to tying an end to the thread, praying for the Belsire's eerily calm mood to stay uninterrupted.

He goes quiet, habitually running a thumb down the shell of your ear. The chill was almost welcoming, soft flesh touching your heated one. It felt... genuine, a form of physical affection that was done for his pleasure more than your own. It would be comforting, if you weren't waiting for him to explode.

"I expected as much," he calmly huffs, shutting the box with a single finger. Its harsh snap made you drop the thread. "But you can't expect me to wait forever; you aren't going home. You will remain here, either as my slave, or my spouse. The difference is whether I have to force these buttons on you, or you take them willingly."

"I.. I just need a little more time. I haven't-- I'm not-- done adjusting. I'm not used to this world, like you."

You've given up pleading; for all you knew, there was no way back home that either of you could conjure. This was your fate.

Like a doll he dressed and cleaned and made a perfect dollhouse for, you were to sit here and provide him the comfort he could not create on his own. Like a god, creating his creatures of free will, he relished in the uniqueness you offered without him having to fabricate it first, the obedience you gave from fear in your own desire rather than a direct command.

A long silence left the air hanging stagnant, your patchwork sitting in front of you, finished and yet not quite the same as it once was. Why couldn't you go to the store and buy a new one, spend frivolous money and speak to the miserable cashier that reminded you humanity was still alive?

"...Fine. But not much longer, my sweet button...this-- mortal flesh still tying you to your world, has kept me at a distance I do not wish to stand at." A soft kiss, from creased, inexperienced lips touched the top of your cheekbone. "I want you for myself... I don't like not getting the things I want. And, I want you far more desperately than I imagined."

His voice was stoic, gentle and logical despite the romantic lines that were fed to you. Spindly fingers pulled back pieces of your hair, caressing the skin on your face with soft strokes. Like a human would do to an animal, running his knuckles against your cheek and his fingertips along your jaw.

Just a simple touch and turn of your chin was all it took to make you look at him.

"Don't make me wait. I will have you, and I want it to be because you will it. Please, don't make me do what neither of us want."

His tongue was warmer than his touch, somehow. Maybe it led to his even warmer heart, but you doubted it. Even with the way both his large, balmy palms were gripping beside your ears, pulling your face to touch his in a dance of lips and stolen breath, you wondered if this was just another web of lies spun to create your damnation.

But the desperation in how he swallowed you whole, pulling your hands away from the touchy needlework he was once keen on making you finish-- there was something human about it all, something touchy and irritable and obsessive. If he wanted you desperately then, you could only imagine how horribly ridden he was now, feeling your warmth as he made you colder with his hands and wrists, him never changing.

You peeked an eye open, wondering if those buttons stayed all-seeing, all watching, even when you kissed.

[librarycards]

pls ignore this is its too weird or too much labor, but i was wondering if you maybe had any tips or resources for ppl who have creative desires like writing but brain fog and fatigue tends to get in the way?

i do! it may not work for you bc people have very random/unexpected ways of dealing with this, but it's *very* common and there is hope :) [i think a lot of this is applicable across form, but i'm using "writing" here because it's what i'm familiar with]

one way is to be strategic about timing: this includes thinking about when you're least foggy/have the most energy, and/or the most "downtime" where there isn't anything in particular you need to do. many people wake up early so that they have alone time before their responsibilities. some people stay up late to write. i tend to do my daily writing (which I elucidate on below) in the evenings, around 7-10pm. whatever works, works!

relatedly: scheduling/routine is, for me, critical. i think it is for a lot of creative ppl. I write every day, in multiple ways: i keep a journal - i've done this since i was like 12, so it's as ingrained as brushing my teeth and i don't really think about it - and also work on some aspect of my current longest project [so, for the last 4 years, it's been the aforementioned second novel; for the 4ish years before that, it was Failure to Comply. i write other stuff during the daytime, of course, because writing is also my job(s). but if you're looking to establish a consistent creative practice, you don't need to be aiming for a certain hour or word count.

Instead: Aim for consistency and progress. Not perfection, not a "muse," not magic. There is no shame in making something that doesn't seem good, or that you end up deleting. in this particular instance, "perfect is the enemy of good" is 10000% true, and i think especially applicable to people who already experience external + internalized ableist ideologies on a daily basis. your art, regardless of what it is, should be a space where you get to make mistakes, change your mind, and learn new things. it should be something you can come to when you're tired, unsure, confused, scared, etc, even if it means just keysmashing and then closing your notes app for the day.

for me, having a daily practice, regardless of anything, means embracing the days where i write only one word and then despair, as well as the days i write pages. when i feel most depressed, in a very clinicized sense, i try to move from "everything i make now is going to be shitty :(" to "everything i make now is going to be shitty :)", not because i'm happy about it, but because....that's simply part of creating. everything is a bodily function. if you're not feeling good, maybe your poop will look weird. so too with writing. but you still do it. it can be mechanical. but it'll happen, and by doing it consistently, you give yourself the *opportunity* to locate insight hitherto buried, to have an idea creep up on your tiredself.

i guess in sum I'd say that the healthiest thing i ever did for my writing is something tantamount to body neutrality, which has also been an immensely positive addition to my set of frameworks for physical embodimindment. creative neutrality, i guess. this doesn't mean i don't tie my ego and personhood to work/productivity/quality. i mean, i totally do, and it sucks, but there we are. but it also means that i place that in a corner that does not touch my desire to chip away at something big, regularly. i make time every day to summon the urgency of whatever i'm working on, not because i'm proud of it at that moment, but because i want to give it another opportunity to give me something cool.

tl:dr: give yourself the gift of consistency and time, and don't be scared of making stuff that isn't good, or gets deleted, or doesn't make sense. write from wherever you want, physically, mentally, spiritually. give it the opportunity & even the expectation to happen and then work from there.

[ros3ybabe]

20-Day Challenge 🎀

I have been in the BIGGEST slump lately. My anxiety had been the highest I've seen it in a while. My eyes are starting to twitch from high cortisol levels again, and I've found it so hard to regulate my stress, anxiety, emotions and just being able to do things is so hard right now. So, here's a challenge for myself that won't be too difficult but will hopefully push me to do things. It is only 20 days because I am traveling to Colorado after that point and will have to adjust my routines and dailies for the 8 weeks I'm in Colorado.

☀️ Morning Routine Non Negotiables

low impact youtube workout (pilates/yoga/stretching)

morning journaling

morning hygiene (skincare/deoderant/brush teeth/brush hair)

⛅️ Daily Non Negotiables

study Spanish for at minimum 10 minutes

read some form of a self-help or productivity book for a minimum of 10 pages

take a walk (either outside or walk around the house,3k to 5k steps minimum daily)

⭐️ Night Routine Non Negotiables

night time guided journal + daily journal (minimum one sentence about my day)

night time hygiene (shower/brush teeth/skincare)

set myself up for the next day

🌈 "Rules"

need to post an update for every day for accountability. if I do not do something I've listed, I need to have a genuine reason why (sick, migraine, unknown change of plans, weather, bodily pain or injury, etc) and must explain the reason or admit to my excuses.

consistent wake up and sleep time. wake up between 5/530am, and be asleep no later then 10/1030pm.

no more than 2 cups of a coffee a day

no coffee after 1pm

minimum 80oz of water

try to minimize screen time on social media

be honest!!! lying about this helps no one, and only keeps me unproductive and unmotivated. if I'm going to do this, I'm going to do it.

Here's to giving myself an extra kick in the rear yo stay productive and keep myself motivated and disciplined as best as possible. It's the least I can do for myself. starts today/tomorrow (may 27th or 28th)!

please keep me accountable lovelies 🩷

[dominicdelagol2]

Planning to try out Auctober again this October! Feel free to join in and draw for each prompt! List of prompts and their context below:

1: Red Instead - Instead of the blue puzzle piece as displayed by Autism $peaks, we light it up red instead!

2: Special Interests - Anything you love the most in your life!

3: Music - Music is always nice to listen to, especially video game music!

4: Comfort Food - Food is yummy. Fast food is even yummier because why wouldn't it be?

5: Stim / Verbal Stims - Stims include making mouth noises and waving your arms back and forth for comfort!

6: Stim Toys - Fidget cubes, spinners, squeezable toys, etc. -- they can be fun to use!

7: Sensory Euphoria - Some things can make you most happy, whether it's eating chicken with queso dip, seeing a light-filed city during night time, store candles with a good food-like smell, you name it!

8: Hyperfixation - One particular thing you're focused on so much! It can be the periodic table, a video game series, painting, anything you can think of!

9: Info Dumping - Wanna know what one thing is? Then you'll wanna be ready for a detailed explanation going at least 200-pages long!

10: Neurotypical Expectations - Neurotypicals expect an awful lot from autistic people. For all we know, some random guy might expect you to know how to build an aircraft carrier! Of course, that's just me haha

11: Jobs...? Where? - Obviously, there are TONS of open jobs available, but whatever jobs ARE open, workers and its managers expect you to work, and work, and work, and work, and work, and work...without considering your overall health at all, nor giving you a long-enough break to help you catch your breath physically and mentally.

12: The Outside World - Outside is scary. No matter how safe you are, there's a tiny chance something bad or worse will happen. Society can even expect you to be "normal".

13: Social Anxiety - It's hard enough making friends, let alone be an extrovert. Chances are, one could have sociophobia!

14: Self-Advocacy - Nothing about us without us! Seriously, neurotypical adults have talked about autism and didn't include autistics in the conversation. (got that from one of my Auctober 2023 drawings)

15: Self-Care - Self-care is important! Make sure to brush your teeth, eat and drink healthy, exercise and whatnot!

16: LGBTQIA+ - Autistic people are more likely to be LGBTQIA+!

17: Rainbow Infinity - Rainbows are a whole spectrum of colors! Same with the autistic spectrum--all sorts of different experiences!

18: Au-DHD - ADHD, but "A" is replaced with "Au" as in aurum, which is Gold in Latin. ADHD can mean one is hyperactive!

19: Too Much Energy - The energy builds up too fast and you just have to exercise to tone it down! Of course, the energy could vary, sometimes being suddenly energetic when you just need to sleep.

20: Out-of-Nowhere Info/Fact - Say you're doing a simple job like vacuuming. All you have to do is move the vacuum on the floor as you hold the handle, thus cleaning the floor. Simple, yes? Well, surprise -- some guy sucker punches you with random information such as "Hey buddy! Vacuums use more electricity when you turn the vacuum on and off rather than letting it stay on!" (I've actually been told that one time, and the info sounding unconfirmed to me, it just left me in a long mental stasis of confusion) Like, when did anyone ask for a detailed fact about something that's SUPPOSED TO BE SIMPLE? I don't have time to comprehend an entire page of info, I just like to keep things SIMPLE as you neurotypicals tell me to my face.

21: School Experience - Experience can include elementary school, middle school, high school, college -- You can explain a particular event or two during any of these time periods!

22: Routine - A little something every day or now and then to stay consistent! Daily tasks can included 3 meals a day, staying productive or such!

23: Unmasking - Unmasking is not easy. Defending yourself from the unpredictable world, trying to blend in with society -- it's exhausting! Let the autistic community just be what they wish to be already.

24: Autistic Viewpoint - How do you view the world as an autistic?

25: America (Derogatory) - This one might not need an introduction -- America, the "Land of the Free" and the "Land of Opportunities", sure likes to screw us all over! Police are too paranoid, justice is a load of baloney, daily gun violence anywhere and everywhere, dangerous bigots normalizing the R-slur, then you have big and popular figures here smearing the autistic community into a negative light...and the list of bad things never stops growing! A very cruel country, like not even cartoon villains are this mean-spirited! How is the autistic community supposed to exist in peace when the USA is basically nothing but trouble? Happy 4th of July, I guess...

26: Comfort Media/Games - A TV show or video game is always nice to play and keep calm when times get tough out there!

27: Fancy Wording - A series of five-dollar words can arrive rather than a simple "yes" or "not" to suffice. Sometimes, fancy words such as Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis can be fun to learn about!

28: Gold - Gold is part of the periodic table, atomic number 79! Light it up gold instead of blue for Autism Acceptance! 'Au' as in Aurum, and autism!

29: Neurodivergent Community - There's all sorts of Neurodivergent people worth seeing! They all have different experiences!

30: Autistic Pride - Autistic and proud!

31: FREE SPACE -- Explain any topic you wish!

[sevlawless]

dead apple's discography: 1/?

review taken from their local newspaper:

Dead Apple's debut EP 'Running Out of Time' has hit all streaming platforms, and despite the title, they are doing anything but. Their punk rock influences shine throughout, as well as co-lead singer Arabella Aveiro's love for Fiona Apple, partially to credit for their band name. The band consists of its other lead singer, Seven Duckstein, guitarist Rowan Hart, bassist Devyn Powell, drummer Jazzy Dawson, and Iris De Luca on the keys. Each track has a emotional tie in to at least one person in the group, making the five tracks feel as though you're experiencing their lives yourselves.

When the current 11th graders of our own Green Meadow High were asked about this, Aveiro simply said:

"We want to make music that people can relate to. I think it’s more rewarding when you create something that you love, and that other people can love as well. Making these songs with my friends has been so fun, and we can't wait to make more music together."

For everyone's sakes, let's hope this band never runs out of time.

cover and songs breakdown under the cut <3

the cover was taken by seven when the whole gang went to the city. devyn had just got her license and her parents let them take the minivan to fit everyone LMFAO and arabella stuck her head out the window on the drive home. earlier versions of the ep had seven on the back cover doing the same pose (arabella had taken that photo in return <3), but after the breakup any physical copies printed had the same picture on the front but blurred.

where the heart is

written by: jazzy and seven

the drums on this song YOU KNOW jazzy had a hand in this! she wanted to write a song for the ep and was kinda struggling but seven helped her out :) so this is one of their many co-written songs together <3 this being the opener is so fitting for me because of lines like "6:30 alarm, brush my teeth, and start the car" and "it's time to go home again, that's so boring"

starting off at 6:30 am, early in the morning, starting off this ep with this song just feels fitting to me! and the whole "i hate my town" rite of passage most punk rock bands go through!

favorite lyrics:

"all in all, i've always had the same thoughts riling up my heart // and all in all, i haven't changed a single thing to feel differently"

"my mind's been in a million places, but my body hasn't moved an inch"

"if i could just take a chance, i wouldn't feel so bad // to see past myself, i wouldn't feel so bad"

baby tonight

written by: devyn, arabella

this is just an iris and devyn love song im afraid! i have this VIVID headcanon of devyn coming up to arabella and being like "i wrote some lyrics for a song about iris can you help me out" and arabella IMMEDIATELY being on board! i imagine devyn inviting iris over to her house and the whole band already being there in the garage ready to play this song for her :) it's such a cute lil moment and i like to think whenever they have a gig on or around iris' birthday or their anniversary they play this song! they put this on their first ep because they love devyn and iris and SO DO I!

favorite lyrics:

"she's a diamond in my fucked up world // prettier than the pearls that lay around on her neck // she makes me so fucking SICK!"

"so baby won't you take my life? or maybe you could crush my soul?"

red with love

written by: seven

unrequited love is really something else huh LMFAO i like to think that seven wrote this after him and arabella went to a party and played spin the bottle which resulting in them kissing for the first time (which later on when they're dating arabella doesn't count it as their first kiss because her eyes were open and the kiss was horrendously bad because that's her BEST FRIEND and she CANNOT have feelings for her BEST FRIEND-)

anyways ! i think seven started developing some sort of feelings for arabella after that and this song is the product of a late night writing session on his roof. when he shows it to the band they're like "who the HELL is this about" and arabella just looks at him like she knows and is immediately just like "let's practice it right now!" much to seven's relief.

when they're dating though and they perform this song together i like to think that after the line "you kiss me so sweetly, it gets me high" arabella ALWAYS without fail would kiss seven on the cheek :)

they stop performing this song when seven leaves the band.

favorite lyrics:

"the sunlight through my windowpane illuminates your face // i need you closer and you're not even an inch away"

"when you come home, you call my name // believe me when i say // tomorrow i will love you more than i did yesterday"

"i can't seem to get enough // it makes me sweat, you’re in my head // it turns me red with love"

sleep to dream

written by: arabella, iris

this bitch loves fiona apple idk what to tell you. i imagine that during high school arabella dated the WORST people but that just fueled her writing so she wrote this after one particularly bad boyfriend. iris also helped with the piano composition! i fear these breakup songs will become a pattern for arabella in later works LMFAO

favorite lyrics:

"i tell you how you feel, but you don't care // i say tell me the truth, but you don't dare // you say love is a hell you cannot bare // and i say gimme mine back and then go there, for all i care"

"this mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways // so don't forget what i told you // don't come around, i got my own hell to raise"

where the lines overlap

written by: arabella, rowan

just the first of MANY certified rowanbella classics! rowan came up with the basic chords and arabella wrote the lyrics. this song is just them basically saying we're so happy to be in this band with our friends and we hope that never ever changes and it WON'T… right?

anywayyyy.. this song is an absolute crowd favorite and whenever they play a gig they always play this one last :)

favorite lyrics:

"no one is as lucky as us, we're not at the end but oh, we already won"

"now i've got a feeling if i sang this loud enough, you would sing it back to me"

[aihoshiino]

The way i fking SCREAMED MY HEAD OFF when we got these reveals, we saw it coming but still, it feels SO GOOD to know how many of our theories were already correct…but i still wonder about so many things like were the twins born already when they were seeing each other??? This means in a way they likely got in bed several times since the twins were already a year old or so when Uehara & Airi died… If so, what did he ever think of his children, shock? sad? betrayed?…Why never meet them? What about the hospital visit?

And Ryosuke?? Surely Hikaru can't just convince a university kid to join him in meeting his idol of dreams…and even if, why bring HIM along? And Yura? Would Ai really have met him when she had the twins? I feel like the latter is unlikely…is it timelines issue again here? But that can't it be if this movie is from Ai's pov…arrghh MY HEAD

One thing feels certain tho, he couldn't have killed Ai out of revenge…or rather, not only revenge at least. It's also good to see the theory Ai coerced Hikaru to get in bed with her is finally wrong. MAN IM SO READY FOR THE DVD REVEAL NEXT CHAPTER AFTER SO FKING LONG. I NEED AI'S POV LIKE OXYGEN P.S. The way she was smiling when saying "let's not see each other anymore" and while BRUSHING HER TEETH OF ALL THINGS…GIRL

so this is easily the stupidest connection my brain could have made but. when i saw that panel of ai with her toothbrush, i immediately thought of that one fucking channel awesome anniversary movie - or rather, the quinton reviews video about it and in it, there's a moment where doug walker (playing himself, in this masturbatory metatextual sense) has this fictionalized version of himself enter the movie by walking into the living room in the middle of the day while brushing his teeth. and for some reason. ai choosing to break up with her boyfriend while brushing hers had the exact same energy to me.

honestly i was barkin like a dog this whole chapter. i have been wildly oscillating between 'it's so over' and 'we're so back' re: OnK since the Movie Arc started in earnest but seeing how consistently I have been able to nail things about Ai and Hikaru just based on what I could glean from the material in the manga does make me a lot more hopeful for what's to come. Deadass this is the most energized and legit excited I've been coming out of a cliffhanger for a good while.

There's definitely still a lot of really wtf stuff floating in the air and a ton of unanswered questions but I'm pretty confident we'll be getting at least a reasonably solid confirmation of the timeline next chapter depending on how their chat about the breakup goes and from there we can start guessing at other parts of the story, if we don't just end up getting the reveals next week.

Honestly at this point I'm most antsy to see someone mention Yura........ is she still on that mountain or what.........

[omniseurs-blog]

I've been hearing recently from my brother and his GF that they're tired of being my parents.

It's hard to admit that you're not doing enough or that you don't take initiative or that you are, from an outside perspective, lazy. It's even harder to make permanent change and become better.

Yesterday I was proud to just shower and gargle some mouthwash, today the same reasons I haven't been showering or brushing my teeth bubble up. The bathroom door doesn't close all the way and I don't feel like it's private enough, I haven't done anything physical to "warrant a shower" (it's summer, it's hot, it's sweaty, I need to shower whether I see a reason or not), and "well I'm almost done with this task, I'll do it when I'm done", and then the task leads to another.

It's the same with any other thing, I don't clean the dishes because I'm not in the kitchen, because other people are in the kitchen, because it's not "mentally stimulating", because I just need to finish doing what I'm doing at the moment, because I'm tired, because...

The issue is me, the issue is I don't want to, the issue is I forgot, the issue is I'm busy, the issue is there's a rat in my brain that refuses to turn the wheel unless there's a giant chunk of cheese barely out of reach that it's convinced it can reach if it tries a little harder, and the cheese is missing for tasks that aren't seen as fun.

So how do I make this time different? How do I make this time fun? How do I make myself do it, never stop doing it, and want to do it more frequently?

Here's my current issue, if I stack habits like recommended, the only habits I have are waking up (around 11am-2pm), taking my meds (mostly around 12-4am), going to sleep (at inconsistent times, 1-6am), eating (at inconsistent times, sometimes skipping meals), and learning/doing hobbies (throughout the day). Anything else is on a day to day basis, sometimes missed for days or weeks on end, sometimes abandoned all together, no consistent time, no consistent schedule, no habitual reoccurrence.

I've tried stacking habits when I wake up, I managed to brush my teeth every morning for 2 weeks before the excuses piled up, the avoidance replaced the habit, and the guilt turned to "well, that's just how it is now". I've tried attaching a reward to it, but the reward became boring the same day it was added, I've tried switching rewards to playing video games, but the game became boring and I'm not interested in it as much as whatever I was actually interested in, I've tried switching it to "just doing anything else", but it felt like a punishment and I avoided it, I've tried switching it from a reward to trying to see it as a mandatory part of living, but my brain went "you're disabled, your style of living is different from normal", and lastly, I tried some of the advice in "atomic habits", repeating to myself "I am a clean person, I am healthy, I am not a smoker" and this is where I would say I am lost "because I tried everything"

But that's the thing, I am not lost. I am mentally ill, I do struggle with depression and disorganized behaviors. This is an ongoing problem. On top of that, I gave up over and over. I tried some of those only once, and after that first time, like many people do, made the mistake of "if it doesn't work once, it will NEVER work!", in the spirit of repeatedly blowing into a cartridge until it does work, that's almost never the case. Imagine having that mindset while learning to do a backflip or learning a martial art, or learning a sport, or learning to draw. It's either the way you did it, how quick you gave up, or the environment you were doing it in.

Here's my goals going forward

-try ANY of the methods again, ANY of them

-Stick with that specific method for at LEAST 30 days, not even necessarily 30 days in a row, but a total of 30 days

-if it doesn't work after 30 days, try ANOTHER method for at least 30 days

-slowly stack up habits, if it begins to crumble, remove a habit

-start a routine, go to sleep and wake up consistently, take medications consistently, and eat consistently for the bare minimum

-adapt as symptoms get better or worse

[eolewyn1010]

Ok, I'm trying to resume this as I remember it being a way to hold myself a little accountable. Let's go over this day for a bit.

Things that went good:

I brushed my teeth twice, not just in the morning. Time to make that a habit instead of an occasional thing.

I did not give in to the munchies again. It's the antidepressant's fault that I'm hungrier than I used to be, but I don't need to go hog every time.

I did not stay in bed. I kept sitting in one spot for most of the day, but it was not the bed. Hurray for sleeping hygienics.

Getting used to drinking a lot of tea and water again, and whaddayaknow, I'm less snippy when I'm not dehydrated.

Things that went not so good:

I didn't get up when my phone alarm rang. I'm trying to get up earlier again, in tandem with going to bed earlier, but I have yet to condition myself to also feel obliged to get up and not sleep in.

I stayed in my nightshirt all day. When I'm not going anywhere and also have the excuse of warm weather, I don't really get dressed at home. I should, tho. Get used to the adulting, and habits are built day by day.

My mom and sis pissed me off just before dinner. Sulking! Is Not! The Way To Go! Next time, talk about it immediately; maybe salvage the situation and eat with them.

I still have two separate pending messages on Discord that I should have replied to. Very kind ones, too. I don't want to be rude to my writing friends; I just didn't know what to say. I need to rectify that once my brain doesn't get so panicked at the thought of social interactions.

Things I could do tomorrow:

Get dressed. I really need to get used to a sort of working day routine.

The dishes. Aside from vacuuming, it's the one chore I consistently shirk, but with the warm weather, that shit gets smelly after a day or two. It'll only take 5-10 minutes, I know that.

Calisthenics. I've been through my routine twice last week; there's no reason why I couldn't at least go for it once this week.

Reply to the two messages on Discord. If I can't think of a novel, I don't need to write a novel. Just reply.

Things that I could do these days:

I asked my mom to repair the toilet hinge on Saturday morning before she goes out. It's one of the things on our collective list that has been lying around for months, and it's been bothering me that we never get anything done from that list, so it's nice to have a tiny lil appointment for that. Baby steps.

My antidepressant is running out, so I need to go to my doctor next week for a new prescription. The lady who picks up the phone was very nice the last time, so I won't be terribly afraid.

I wanna get my friend in on a movie night, watch and judge the rest of Charité with them.

When I've rewatched it, I'll probably be in the mood to rant a bit; that would be a nice chance to get the last two drafts about the new season finished and blogged.

Have a look at one [1] of the waiting prompts in my inbox. No, not both of them at the same time, brain, just one.

[gabby-i-guess]

ADHD PSA #3: Bath time 🛀

So I just moved into a new house, and for whatever reason, the gremlins living in my brain have decided that the new shower has ‼️BAD VIBES‼️ and therefore will only agree to let me have a shower when ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. I've been trying to figure out ways to bribe them into liking the shower, so here are a few ways I've tried to make my shower ADHD accessible.

1) DIY waterproof phone holder

Yes I know I sound like an iPad kid, but if having an audiobook/music/YouTube video playing while I shower lets me shower, I'm ok with that.

All you do is take a sturdy ziplock bag, pop your phone and a large bull clip inside, and zip it up tight (give it a lil squeeze to make sure there are no gaps). Now you can clip the bag onto your shower caddy from the inside, or another ledge or something (get creative), and voila - your phone stays totally dry and you stay entertained. You can even somewhat use your phone through the plastic, so you can change songs etc. When you're done, unclip the unopened bag, take it to a dry place, and you can open it and take your phone out there.

Here's a photo for demo:

2) Sort your shit out

Personally, I get super overwhelmed by all the steps in self-care tasks, including but not limited to showers. Routines like that involve like 10 steps that call on skills ADHDers really struggle with, like decisions, organisation, memory, executive functioning, and planning. So I've made things as simple as they can possibly be for me.

I have 4 little baskets in my cupboard for each of my regular routines:

morning (with makeup, sunscreen, moisturiser, and deoderant)

evening (with vitamin C serum, makeup wipes, pimple patches, and floss)

regular shower (with antibacterial soap, shampoo, conditioner, leave in conditioner, and a hair brush)

and ✨fancy shower✨ (with a razor, shaving cream, nice smelling soap, body moisturiser, curl cream, and a candle)

Now I can just yank out whatever basket I want and use whatever is in it on autopilot. Then, when I'm done, I can dump it all back into the basket and shove it all back into the cupboard. This method reduces how overwhelmed I get by so goddamn much that my fucking dentist commented on the noticeable improvement in my teeth, because I had actually consistently had the energy to floss. And when you're consistently flossing - well, it's only up from here baby 😎

3) DIY bath

The sensory experience of showering can be truly horrendous. And while I can't fix a lot of it, I can at least make it a little less... much. Yk?

So here's my solution:

Yup.

I got myself a blow up pool.

For my shower.

I am officially the coolest person alive.

This baby was $10 at Kmart, and is 80cm wide and 18cm deep - basically, cross your legs and it will not quite cover your thighs. To provide a little more insulation and some padding, I also popped an old towel under the pool. It's really not much, but it means I can sit down in comfortably warm water and splish-splosh myself clean. As opposed to showering, which (especially in a large bathroom/shower like I have now) is alternately way too cold and way too hot, way too loud, way too (I literally don't know how else to say it) "fast", way too out of control (so much splashing and water going everywhere, UGH), and just kinda generally way too much.

A bonus perk: I can finally use some nice pink bubble bath bombs from last Christmas 🥰🥰

I really hope one of these tips helps one of you out there. Keeping yourself clean is one of those "basics" that neurotypical/mentally well people don't realise is actually really hard.

You are doing a truly awesome job, and I'm truly, truly proud of you. Sending you love and warm, clean, sudsy thoughts ❤️

[astral-athame]

((Life for me has pretty much been: Wake up at 8am. Desperately try to get more sleep until 9 (usually I doze off for, like, 2 or 3 minutes at a time and that's it). Get ready for work. Leave between 9:30 and 9:45. Work from 10-1:30-ish (it's supposed to be until 1:15 but I'm never out of there on time). Get home around 1:45. Leave for work part 2 around 2:30. That goes from at least 3-7, usually closer to 7:20 when I finally leave (sometimes stay until 8 or 9). Get home between 7:30 and 7:45. Make a quick dinner, shower, etc. Around 8:30, watch Ba.tt.le.st.ar Gal.act.ica with a couple of friends (if things work out, this couple may eventually be more than just my friends, but we'll see how that goes ^^;) until about 10:30, then chat with them for a bit after that, usually until almost 11. Bedtime routine (wash face, brush teeth, etc etc). Then stare at drafts until midnight when I realize I need to get to bed because I know I'll be up earlier than I need to be. Then the weekends have consisted a lot of babysitting, running errands, and trying to finish unpacking here and there because it's been 4 months and finding time to unpack has been a pain in the ass with everything that's constantly going on. Also, I spent 3 hours on Saturday putting together a kitchen cabinet- thankfully we have extra screwdrivers because the phillip's-head screwdriver they included was such bad quality that it was messed up and unusable less than half an hour in because the metal of it was so soft -_-

ANYWAY- Work both shifts the rest of the week (except Friday, but only because I don't have to do the second shift, still have the first). Saturday we're going out for my dad's birthday (which was actually last week, but we couldn't make things work for going out last weekend like we'd wanted to). Saturday night is also game night, as usual. Then Sunday I *should* have some free time, but I also desperately need to get some cleaning done that's being semi-neglected throughout the week. So what I'm saying is Sundays are chore days.

If things go well, I should, soon, only be working the first shift in another week or two (with the second shift just being Fridays and when absolutely needed)? Right now both my sister and I are stuck doing the second shift every night (and have been since before mid-winter break last month) because the custodial staff is down two people (one girl broke her leg and has been out since October, I think? And the other has been on temporary (paid) probation since early February while they consider whether or not to fire him and go through all the legal jargon of all of that). But they should be coming to a decision about that soon, I would hope, which would mean that if he gets to come back, then we won't be working nights unless someone calls out. And if he doesn't come back, then they should be hiring someone to fill his place so we'll just have to wait until someone snags the job (hopefully, in that case, they'll offer it to my sister first because usually they try to offer it to substitutes and she really wants it, but we'll see). They're also slowly running out of budget for substitutes, so, that's something to consider, too.

ANYWAY- TL;DR: I've basically had no writing time / personal time and that's why I've not been around. Hopefully work stuff will calm down soon because leaving the house around 9:30am and not really getting to be home until usually after 7:30pm (sometimes 8:30pm or 9:30pm) has been exhausting ^^;

I'll try to be around on Sunday (probably focus on Rogue's blog because I've been writing the fic in my head at work most nights so I have a lot of muse for her AND her blog has been sorely neglected for at least a few months now WHICH MAKES ME SO MAD AT MYSELF). If I can even get one or two asks done, then I'll consider that an accomplishment at this point!

I'm so sorry about the long absence. I'm sorry to everyone for neglecting replies. I'm sorry to everyone I was writing with and haven't had the time / social and physical energy / emotional capacity to reach back out to in a while. That's on me. I dropped the ball on that. I've never been good at ooc communication anyway, tbh. I was really hoping things would be a little bit calmer after I moved, but instead they went in exactly the opposite direction and haven't really slowed down any since November. In fact, they've just gotten more hectic over the last few months ^^;

I adore you all so much and I really do hope that I can get back to writing soon. I've been missing it (and all of you) terribly.

Take care and I'll try to be around soon <3))

[princeyadon]

well'p, my teeth have finally gotten to the point where some are very painful.

i woke up w pain as if i had been clenching my teeth at night but it's now like 9pm and it hasn't gone away in the slightest. i went to brush my teeth and it hurt pretty fucking bad, it kind of came from nowhere (it's not even a tooth that has a really bad cavity either).

i brush my teeth every day in the morning and at night and usually during the day, too, so like. idk. i know a lot of them are from when i used to not when i was young and growing up depressed, but i feel like i just keep getting new ones anyways.

idk what to do at this point. it's like constant sharp pain as if i ate something cold. it kinda affects all the nearby teeth, too. im trying not to be upset abt it cuz like, i can't do anything. i can't file my taxes still cuz the moving company fucked me over when they charged me almost 1000$ more than they quoted me and im still recovering. im still in negatives w my bank. i have a part time job but it's just not enough, it pays my rent but i now have less time on art which means im still basically where i was before (just more consistent at least). so i can't prove my income for any kind of wait lists and financial aid.

idk. idk anymore. i don't think i'll ever get out of this hole and i don't think i'll ever get anywhere in life. all i've done this past year is suffer. i sit on my floor to work still cuz i can't afford a desk and idk if i even have space for one. my hips hurt a lot cuz of it. idk what i did to deserve this

[presidentkamala]

Ok 2022 wrap up. First the good:

* killed it at work and on schedule for a huge jump in salary in january 2023

* finally let go of the worst years of my life by *gasp* leaning in2 and committing to my present self???

*moved to a banging new apartment WITH kitchen island

*volunteered for midterm campaigns

*went to chicago, cincinnati, honolulu and st. louis

*READ like 80% more this year than last year (the bar was the like 2 books i picked at and didnt finish last year but still improvement)

*more consistent with skincare routine

*hit 50k in my one savings acct in accordance w financial goals

THE BAD:

*didnt learn a new language, instrument, to code, pottery, or anything. Was grinding at work and not much else

*health took a backseat: too much doordash no fitness plan or even much activity

*didnt make any new friends

*stagnated in other areas. No volunteering for causes i care abt or even at community garden. mUST CHANGE THIS IN 2023

*struggled to stay consistent with much of anything. Scatterbrained for most of the year

THE UGLY:

*lost all muscle tone due to nothing other than lack of care

*no motivation. No real direction. No real sense or vision of the future i want and am working towards. No effort in the places where it counted

*phone and screen addiction. BIG TIME. losing hrs to this that i should be using to get out there and meet ppl and actually improve my quality of life LOL.

*deep-seated suspicion that im not well-liked at work bore out late this year. Not super pleased since that's been my main focus. Probably connected to this other stuff.

*loss of basic intellectual curiosity. In complete survival mode for the first 8 months of the year. Self is almost unrecognizable in many ways.

THE RESOLUTIONS:

I've spent the month of december devoting myself to prepping for the big three resolutions that i feel will have the biggest impact on my immediate health and wellbeing. I did a recipe plan for every day of december and gave myself a zero doordash/restaurant rule but no other real restrictions on what recipes i make and that's gone super well in terms of re-integrating cooking regularly back into my life and even enjoying it! I think in february im going to start paying more attention to making sure im incorporating the plate method to ensure im getting the right proportion of protein veg and carbs into my diet but for now its all about finding recipes that taste good and that i can sustainably replicate etc. I've been doing a lot to make sure im brushing my teeth and doing my skincare routine at least every morning so im going to start bumping up my evening care in January as well. I also downloaded the none2run app to get me up to a 5k which at least lays out the calendar of what i need to do and im on week 2?? I think of the beginner exercises before starting the runs in earnest. I've deep cleaned my apartment and kitchen and have been regularly washing my clothes and doing the dishes instead of letting it all pile up. All of these changes in routine have been gradual over the last 5 weeks or so but its already paying dividends and i love the idea of prepping for resolutions and planning them out so i don't lose track as the year progresses:

*Journal at least once a week (minimum 52 entries by this time next year)

*Develop nourishing recipes you actually enjoy and can replicate. Limit restaurants to once a week (non-holiday) or 3 times a week (with holidays)

*complete none2run 5k.

*sign back up for barre classes at least once a week (non-travel)

*on work travel, complete youtube pilates vid at least twice a week

*this is the year to tackle skin texture and pores. Set up derm appt in January

*complete liftoff program for beginner weightlifting beginning in June.

*volunteer for minimum 2 hrs each week. For anything.

*volunteer for dems at least once this year.

*SEE A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST

*take one extra-curricular class

*check in quarterly on goals

*take one international trip

2023: We are being specific and intentional!!!!!

[kckenobi]

violet, snowdrop, lilac, primrose, orchid, daisy, lotus, bluebell, tulip, marigold, poppy, tigerlily, sunflower, lavender, freesia<33

Hi anon! Oooh boy okay, I'll try to hit them all briefly:

violet— do you like to cook or bake? if so, what is it that you like to make?

I WISH I did, in my mind I totally romanticize cooking and baking but I actually just don't enjoy doing it. I want to so bad, I love the idea of myself doing it, but I just don't lol

snowdrop— would you say that you have been in love before?

I have!

lilac— is there anyone you currently miss right now? if so, who?

So many people, like actually most of the people I care about currently live 2+ hours away, which!! Sucks!! And at the top of that list is someone particularly special 💕

primrose— how long does it take for you to get ready for the day what does your routine usually consist of?

AhAAAA recently I have been snoozing my alarm so much that I can get ready and out the door in 10-15 minutes? But IDEALLY I get up at 5:45 and out the door around 6:30. Recently? .......up at 6:25, leaving at 6:40 lmao.

But my morning routine on a work day is to do my skincare and brush my teeth, put on my makeup and decide whether my curls are able to be tamed or if I need to put them in a scrunchie, feed my cats (who have been meowing and weaving in and out of my legs for every step of the process so far), take my meds and eat my yogurt and possibly something else, and then hopefully: leave for work on time lol.

orchid— when you're being extremely quiet, what are you typically thinking of?

Honestly it's usually work lol. I am very often thinking about work. I've been thinking a lot recently about how like,,,my job doesn't need to be my life, but it's something so integral to who I am right now that it's hard to separate what I do from anything else. I can't decide whether it's good or bad-—to feel like my identity is so tied to that. It's something I love and something I'm good at. But i also have to have a life outside of it, and I have to feel okay about myself on the days I don't do my job particularly well. Anyway—that's a long way of answering the question. But yeah, when I'm thinking, it's often work lol

daisy— what is your idea of the perfect date?

Laughter and long talks and my favorite person

lotus— what is your favorite color and in what shade? e.g. sage green, navy blue, ect.

Honestly I don't think I have a favorite color? Because I like them all in different moments! But the other day a coworker told me she noticed I wear a lot of dark green, and that somehow made me like it more?

bluebell— do you have any pets? if so, what are their names?

I do! Two kitties named Melody and Harmony

tulip— do you wear makeup? if so, how do you like to wear/style it?

My makeup is fairly simple, mostly because I never learned how to do anything more than that. But I just do some foundation, mascara and lipgloss most days!

marigold— do you wear any kind of jewelry on a regular basis? if so, what kind?

For work I do—I usually wear the same heart necklace most days, and I switch out my earrings all the time cause I have a couple I like.

poppy— out of the four seasons, which season of the year is your favorite and why?

I normally answer autumn, because I love the leaves and the weather, but also it's a time of getting colder and darker which—right now, just doesn't sound good to me so this time I'll say spring! For warmer days and longer days and things coming back to life.

tigerlily— do you have any favorite quotes from any movies, tv shows, books, or poetry? (or from people in real life)

SO many, but I'll give you whichever one pops up first when I scroll through my faves:

An excerpt from Good Bones by Maggie Smith:

Life is short and the world
is at least half terrible, and for every kind
stranger, there is one who would break you,
though I keep this from my children. I am trying
to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,
walking you through a real shithole, chirps on
about good bones: This place could be beautiful,
right? You could make this place beautiful.

sunflower— in your opinion, what is the best photo on your phone of? (serious or non-serious answers)

Oh man I have no idea,,,,maybe the one where my cats look like they're kissing lol

lavender— what is currently on your mind (aside from this ask game)?

I have to solidify my thesis topic and do some work but I have had the headache to end all headaches today and I don't want to do itttttt

Also—saw my grandfather today and he's not doing great, so just distantly worrying about him.

freesia— what do you want people to remember you for? (serious or non-serious answers)

I can't think of anything specific other than kindness and laughter <3

(from an ask game I can't find the link to now!)

[tangentmusings]

Happy New Year!

So in the past I haven't always been super great/consistent with certain hygienic practices, which I realize some people might think is gross but I had trouble fixing my habits. So two years ago, New Years came around and I made all my goals and all, but I decided that I would make one specific goal non-negotiable for the year. It was a non-time-consuming goal, and I knew if I just focused on this one, I had a good chance of building a real habit.

Well I'm pleased to say that I have flossed my teeth (in addition to brushing,but that was already handled pretty well) every night for two years! And my 2022 goal was showering every night, which I successfully completed for the year. Both of these things are finally fully ingrained habits that I don't even have to think about anymore.

So this year I'm doing the big one everyone talks about: I'm going to exercise and hopefully lose this extra weight I've been carrying around. The non-negotiable is at least 10 minutes a day, 6 days a week. I would like to do longer than that, but I figure the 10 minute minimum will likely make me keep my goal easier by being less of a time commitment. If the whole day passes by and I haven't gotten to it, I can just hop on the stationary bike for 10 minutes before my shower, and it won't interfere with my sleep too much.

So here's hoping I can build this next habit this year! I'll check in again in 365 days!

[wishbowl]

𝕾𝖑𝖊𝖊𝖕

My sleep has gotten significantly better since I ‘quit’ pot, well I didn't but I do smoke a whole lot less…and by significantly better I mean I’ve gotten sleep.

Also, I've actually started dreaming again, mind you they are mostly nightmares but they are SO fucked up to the point where I realize I'm in a dream so I just do something so out of pocket that I just wake up. Also, nightmares or maybe reality itself has become so numbing that I no longer wake up from them scared and shaky, i usually just roll over and reach for my vape and scroll through reels until the ick wears off. And then if it was interesting enough I'd open up the notes app and write about it.

Again, HUGE emphasis on better sleep because to a regular person, it's probably not close to a normal amount of hours but I've been trying.

And when I do get to sleep I don't seem to do it consistently as in I wake up multiple times a night. 

I don't know when exactly my sleep got so bad or better yet, when exactly it was that I had ‘good’ sleep because I honestly don't know the answer to either of those questions.

I've been trying to cut back on caffeine at least after a certain point in the day. Mind you it's not exactly 2 pm like the doctors advised you to but still an improvement from 3 am sips off of old monster cans because you can't be bothered to get up to get water from the kitchen. 

I know sometimes it's the case of the book being too good to put down but that whole reading a book before bed thing is actually usually a good idea (or at least a better one than being on your fucking glowing rectangle).

Also just listening to an audiobook or a headspace thing or even just blank noise while you read will probably also help do the trick and maybe I should get back into all of that.

I want to have good sleep, and to get to sleep and to wake up from it energized would it be pushing it if I say be excited to start my day?

Every single family member seems to shove the word meditation in your face whenever the topic of sleep, or more so the lack thereof is brought up. The idea of meditation scares me.

I'm so terrified of facing my thoughts that is why I like reading as it's the perfect form of escapism. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've written on this and taken a few days to marinate with this information even had a semi-normal parent-to-child conversation about it and they softened somewhat helpful suggestions… of course, some of them will not be tried and tested like the MILK because I fucking hate milk, but I will take up mothers offer to ask for an appointment about the nightmares.

THAT and having a schedule, well more so a nightly routine as the girlies call it. I think 10 pm is a decent time to start my night routine and doesn't sound as insane as brushing my teeth at 9 pm. 

I think it doesnt have to be complicated necessarily but brushing my teeth braiding my hair and putting on comfy socks sounds like a good enough start for me. That and reading and we shall see how it goes.