#at court it’s ? you don’t really get to show a lot of vulnerability if you want to be in an important position | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

witchthewriter · 2 years ago

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𝐃𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐁𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!

Warnings: book & show spoilers

a/n: I’m trying to write the characters as a mixture of the book and show. Some of the characters act quite differently in the books and it’s a bit difficult to pin point their personality, but I hope I do them justice. Thank you for reading xx

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ

𝑺𝑭𝑾🌿

𝐁𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲: Everyone is settling down into their own homes. I don’t care what is canon and what’s not.

𝐊𝐚𝐳

・Likes things to be in their place. If they aren’t where they left them than he goes into a bit of a tizzy

“Y/n! Y/n I specifically left them right here and they aren’t right. Here. Where have they gone??”

“No, you moved them because you thought they were too vulnerable sitting there. Look in the third shelf down to your left.”

*Does what you tell him to do* *is embarrassed* *thanks you but not above a whisper*

・You have a lot of nice things in your home, but the most expensive things are usually the jewels and the jewelry that Kaz has gifted you

・He has a lot of the same clothing, so when you open his side of the closet there’s just ... black ... oh and grey

・His cane is never too far from where he is

・Despises the idea of getting a pet

・And you have to beg and beg

・But none of it worked

・So you had to come up with a plan. It was quite manipulative but hey, how else would you have caught Kaz’s attention?

・The dog you have now was once a puppy who had “accidentally” followed you home

“How did it follow you home? We live in Ketterdam, there are a million homes here.”

“I guess it liked...me...”

・He ordered it out

・But you didn’t listen and somehow, the pup had wiggled its way into Kaz’s heart

・He swore he wasn’t going to pick up any poops, but that too was a lie

𝐀𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐚

・Once settled in, she comes to realise that she really enjoys the finer things in life

・Big bed, silks, many many pillows

・A big bath with hot water straight from the tap

・She adores a long hot bath, lots of bubbles, with lavender and chamomile, candles, and a good book to read - or just to lay there and soak

・She hates waking up early, but is the first one to crawl into bed (she just really likes being in bed)

・Has her own drawing nook - a desk near a big window where she can get natural light. Many types of pencils, quills, inks, etc. She draws people, memories, landscapes, dreams

・Her drawings are framed and are all over the house

・There’s also a library; a room with a cosy corner that has all kinds of books; fiction and non fiction - historical, religious, fantasy etc

・Oh and she adores having the fire going. She wants it on even if it’s barely even cold

・But she hates chopping wood, so when you tell her that it isn’t cold enough for a fire, she’ll go outside and use The Cut to get the wood.

・Loves when you braid her hair; loves it even more when you give her head a lil massage too

・She fusses over you whenever you’re sick. Making you soup, remembering remedies from her upbringing in the orphanage.

・If you burn yourself, cut or have any other injuries, she is constantly checking on it to make sure it doesn’t get infected

・She doesn’t mind doing the laundry - if it means you’ll fold afterwards

・There are a lot of different oils, perfumes, bath products, hair products all over the bathroom

𝐍𝐢𝐤𝐨𝐥𝐚𝐢

・Yes, he is used to being treated like royalty

・But he’s also experienced life on a ship - and that isn’t pretty (at all...it’s quite awful)

・Yet he has seen his destiny as being a ruler, so the biggest change in both of your lifestyles is ... you

・You would have to learn how to live during court

・You couldn’t just leave your chambers in your pajamas (I mean ... you could but drama would start at court most definitely)

・Both you and Nikolai obviously share the same chambers, and actually you both have your own wing in the castle (So I guess you could just stay in your pajamas if you wanted)

・It’s basically having your own home - or huge apartment

・The majority of the decor is white with gold trimmings and accents. Nikolai said you could change whatever you want

・The castle is never quiet, and there are always people coming and going, but your chambers are very very quiet.

・Nikolai doesn’t snore but does talk in his sleep

・It’s nonsensical, but it’s usually about the dreams he’s having

・You have servants that come and clean up after both you and Nikolai

・When Nikolai is finished for the day, he trots up to your shared wing and slumps against the door once it’s closed

・He sighs undoing his buttons, but you like to be the one to do that

𝐈𝐧𝐞𝐣

・Still very quiet around the home, so you get used to seeing her in different parts of the house in a small amount of time

“I swear, sometimes there’s two of you!” You once grumbled, while cleaning up a broken tea cup because she popped up out of nowhere

・Doesn’t like loud sudden noises, so you live a bit from civilisation. Not too far though.

・She gets on really well with cats

・You’d end up adopting two kittens that were the only survivors of a litter

・They were tiny, covered in fleas and skinny as can be. But you both fed them, bathed them and made sure they survived

・One is called Umbra, and the other Sol

・You both take on the styling of the home. Inej quite likes the cottage-esque look. However she does want to honor her heritage and there are a lot of colourful cloth that drapes across the ceiling

・Inej had Jesper insert a rod that holds a long silk cloth so that she can practice her acrobatic skills

・Jesper visits as often as he can, and is usually found hung over in the spare bedroom

・As does Nina, who likes to ask what’s for dinner hours before dinnertime (usually an hour after eating lunch)

・You own the land, with Inej’s name not involved - you didn’t want her to feel tied down. And that she could leave whenever she desired

・Although it’s Suli culture to be travellers, Inej said she did want to be apart of the deed and you were more than happy to change it

・Inej doesn’t sleep very often; she knows when her body needs it but other than that, she really cannot get to sleep

𝐌𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐚𝐬

・Loves the feeling of a cosy home

・Has actually gone off to cry because living with you in such a lovely, warm, safe environment made him overwhelmed with happiness

・I have this feeling that you would be the type of person to rescue animals and Matthias has to put on this ‘No we barely have enough to feed ourselves, we can’t look after these animals,’ but his stance changes so quickly

・So you have about five dogs so far

・But you still go into town and feed as many as you can

・Matthias thinks he’s in charge, but after a few months together he comes to realise that you will always be in charge

・He actually really enjoys gardening

・Has those well-planned and established herb gardens. The ones that are held in perfect square timber raised beds

・Matthias absolutely threw himself into gardening. Bought books about it, spoke to the elders in town about how to perfectly grow herbs. He was both fascinated and in need on something to focus on after the tragedy he had endured

・You encouraged him, but said he had to promise not to make a mess inside.

・Is a very loud snorer, and hogs the bed, as well as the sheets. It’s just easier to sleep underneath him - not that he would notice. Once his head hits the pillow almost nothing can wake him until morning

𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐲𝐚

・Safety; that’s what she wants, that’s what she desires most

・A place that she can let her guard down and not have to worry about being used

・She doesn’t like uninvited visitors, and has special locks on all the doors so no one can break in

・When you introduced the idea of a guard dog, she was apprehensive.

“What if it can sense ... the darkness in me?”

“There is no darkness within you, Genya.”

・So you got a Cane Corso, a beast of a dog. That scared even Genya the first time she saw her.

・Is a very light sleeper, but once getting your pup, Genya let it sleep on the end of the bed

・Even now, after your dog, Neith, has grown to full size, she still sleeps at the end of your bed (you know exactly when she jumps up and when she leaves because the bed moves...significantly)

・When days seem especially difficult for Genya, you like to leave little notes around the house, reminder her of all the things you love about her

・She likes to wake up before you and move the hair from your face and just watch you sleep

・Isn’t the best at cooking, so you usually take up that job. But she does bake pretty well. Very good at making tea cake

・Knows a lot about healing so you have a lot of herbs, spices, flowers, vegetables that aren’t for eating per say, but for when someone is sick or wounded

・Genya hated mirrors for a while, until you helped her get over the change in her appearance. You helped her on the road to confidence and self love.

・You’re both still involved in helping the Grisha so you see Zoya, Nikolai, Tolya, Tamar etc

・Genya doesn’t really like having people at the house though. It’s her sanctuary where there are no reminders of The Darkling or the nichevoya

𝐌𝐚𝐥

・Wants a simple life

・Doesn’t care for anything fancy, so you’d be the one to arrange everything

・I can see him as a farmer

・Out in the country, living off the land, but never taking too much and giving back

・We know from the books that he ends up running the orphanage with Alina, living a simple life. Looking after kids who need a home - and I think he would do that whether he was with Alina or not (and in this case...obviously not)

・He would be content with a slow life with you

・But he also wants to be of use to the community; to give back

・So you spend your days finding jobs for people who need them - with the help of Nikolai. You do the paper work while Mal meets the people and waits with them until a horse and carriage arrive

・You also have a huge vegetable garden that you allow the community to use as they please

・In thanks they give you something; knitted blanket, baked bread etc

・You have cows, goats, sheep and horses

・There are stable hands that tend to the horses. Usually the young people from the village (both boys and girls alike)

・The milk isn’t just for you and Mal but you go into town and give it to the people who need it most

・You don’t live far from the village. In fact you can see your neighbours just by looking out the window. They may look far, but really it’s only a ten minute walk

・You also teach people how to read and write

・Mal is absolutely head over heels in love with you

・Always makes sure you feel protected and safe

・Is actually very sensitive and feels things deeply. That’s why sometimes he has to take time to process his emotions alone

𝐙𝐨𝐲𝐚

・We know that Zoya is destined for greatness, hence she would end up living in a castle

・But if not a castle than a quaint chateu will do

・Is a stickler for mess

“There is no reason for there to be so much untidyness!”

・Has a lot of pictures/drawings/paintings of her family up around your home

・She always needs the bed to be made every day; if you’re the last to get out of bed than you have to make it

・You see a different side to Zoya; yes a softer side but also the undone, sloppy version of her. She actually didn’t let you see her like that until a month into living together

・If you snore she makes you sleep on the couch

・No. pets. She’s the one who wears the pants in this relationship and her decision is final

・Until you start feeding an old cranky cat who doesn’t stray far from your home. You name him, but keep him a secret and sneak him inside when Zoya is away

・She pretends not to notice and lets you have your hidden pet

・Although you’d think there would be servant or maids, that’s not the case. You and Zoya split the chores equally; she doesn’t want another person touching her things

・She actually colour co-ordinates her clothes; they’re in colour order and when she’s especially stressed she’ll do the same for yours

・When clothes are folded, they have to be folded neatly-

・Is a very, very good cook. She makes these pastries with goats cheese inside that are to die for

・Has a vanity with ridiculous amounts of make up. When she has a bit to drink she always wants to give you a makeover

・Takes her coffee and tea very strong

“What’s the point of polluting it with milk and sugar?”

・Is the last to fall asleep and the first to wake, but she stays in bed for 20 minutes because she likes being so close to you

・Whenever guests come over she is the perfect hostess. But if they overstay their welcome she won’t hesitate to tell them it’s time to leave

𝐉𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐫

・IS SO DRAMATIC WHEN GETTING READY

“This outfit worked better in my head”

・Wanted to have multiple mirrors in the bedroom so he could “see himself at all angles” but you told him “the fuck we are”

・He relented ... not without whining

・But Jesper’s clothes do end up EVERYWHERE

・He’s awful at picking up after himself in the clothing department

・But he does keep the bathroom really clean ???

・Even if it’s shaving or after a bathe, he’ll make sure it’s exactly how he found it

・Hates weird smells so he sprays perfume everywhere

・Liked the thought of living in the city to be close to the rest of the crows, so you accepted

・But you made him promise not to do anymore gambling -

・Your home is like an escape for Jesper

・Likes to go shopping with you. He likes picking out things so that you can match (you’re against it at first but ... also submit to it)\

・He always knows how to make you laugh, so whenever he forgets to do a chore he can wiggle his way out of it

・Will do all the grocery shopping and any errands you don’t want to do

・Also loves candles, especially scented ones but has been banned from having them burning unless you’re home too ...

・Moves around a lot in his sleep and has whacked you a few times

・Misses you whenever either of you are away. Keeps a piece of your clothing to smell

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠

・Although he spends a lot of time at the Little Palace, he wanted a place where it was just you and him. Where he wouldn’t be disturbed by questions or problems.

・A lot of his focus is on his plans, but he keeps maps and the like all in one room

・He wants to keep the bedroom for ... bedroom activities. As well as all the other rooms for their proper uses

・Aleksander doesn’t want his ambitions to hinder your domestic life

・He hates overhead lighting

・Prefers candles or lamps

・Always buys you new clothes, new shoes, new accessories etc. Wants you to have the best of the best

・And he gets headaches very easily so you have tinctures and remedies on hand as well as around the house

・He prefers the quiet, and too much noise overwhelms him

・Pets aren’t really his thing ... maybe a bird though, but it wouldn’t have to make much noise

・He does love horses though. And would spend hours on them if he could. Just galloping away, far from his troubles.

・Has a maid that comes and cleans the house

・The only time you’ve seen him truly peaceful is in sleep, but that’s only when the nightmares haven’t started

・He wakes up a lot during the night and doesn’t want to wake you. But you’ve told him whenever that happens he’s more than allowed to wake you up. Being in your arms help him go back to sleep

・100% lets you steal the blankets, without ever complaining

・He’s more likely to remember things than you are, so he makes/buys you a calender and writes down everything you’d need to remember

𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐚

・Isn’t very tidy. There are a LOT of food crumbs (especially in the bed)

・Her hair is actually very long, she just keeps it up and out of the way, so you get to see Nina with her long hair down

・But you also find a lot of Nina’s hair ... everywhere

・She does like when you give her head scratches - a lot of golden retriever energy

・You’ve actually been collecting it to prove to her how much she sheds

・Is always hungry and asks if you want to get food nearly every hour and a half

・She’s not that bad of a cook, but you aren’t much better. So a lot of your food is bought rather than made

・Always makes sure you’ve had something to eat though, especially after a long day or after a big gig with the crows

・You, Nina, and Inej have a close friendship; so Inej likes to ... appear ... in your house

・Most of the time it’s because of an injury. So you keep your storages stocked up just in case.

・But other times it’s for a sleep over! Eating, all sleeping in the loungeroom, telling each other stories and secrets

・You invite Jesper and Wylan aswell... and have asked Kaz but he always declines. Well actually he doesn’t even decline he just doesn’t say anything or show up

・Is a heavy sleeper when you’re in the house. But when she’s alone she can barely sleep

・Always kisses you when you walk through the door and before you leave. It’s become a ritual and if it isn’t done then it’s bad luck

・Learns your little quirks. Like if you like your sandwiches cut diagonally or straight

・Nina is very romantic

・She loves going on little dates with you. And always makes sure you have time for a date. At least once a month. Even if it’s just going out to eat and then taking a walk underneath the night sky

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rendawngrimes · 9 months ago

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Yandere Harry Potter Alphabet! <33

Dark (ish) themes below the cut!

I’m so so sorry if there’s any grammar or timeline mistakes :(( (He’s a cutie pie :3)

A-affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

- Harry loves holding you, he’s almost always touching you and he tends to keep close.

B-Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

- He could possibly have to get rid of a few people, but he wouldn’t really try to go out of his way. Perhaps using the unforgivable curse, but I doubt it.

C-Cruelty: How would they treat their darling?/ are they cruel to them

- he’s never cruel! :(( he loves you!! Harry would never be cruel, he’d probably tease, but nothing that bad!

D-Darling: Aside from (possible) abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

- I honestly don’t think he would make you do a bunch against your will, maybe a few small, simple things like making you eat your food, He wants what’s best for you!

E-Exposed: How much of their heart do they bear to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

- He bears his whole heart (and more) to you! He is a little vulnerable, so you can use it to your advantage….but why would you want to!??

F-Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

- He’d be a little annoyed, sad even..he’d tease you about it a little though!…he’d most likely end up casting some sort of charm to make you shush up

G-Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

- NO!! absolutely not! This isn’t some kind of sick, twisted game to him! And he hates seeing you attempting to leave!! :(

H-Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

- I honestly think your worst experience with him would be when he first kidnapped I mean.. saved you!

I-Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

- He’d probably just want to be happy with you….forever and ever and ever and ever….

J-Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

- Harry is honestly a jealous behind! before he “saved” you he would see you talk to other boys and he’d complain to both Ron and Hermione..!

K-Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

- He’s really clingy and overprotective, you’d be sitting on the couch, relaxing a little and he would come along and just plop down with you! Too many hugs!

L-Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

- Ever since you both first met, you became friends, he obviously liked you…so he would do small, tiny things to get your attention..

M-Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

- Not really, he’s just a lot more touchy.! sorry this one’s short :(

N-Naughty: How would they punish their darling

- Nothing mean, he’d probably just scold you a little, if you still don’t listen..he’d smack you around a little bit (GENTLY…ish)

O-Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

- I think the main one is….the right to being alone!! Its gone! You can kiss it Bye bye!!

P-Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

-Harry tries to be patient, but sometimes you make it hard..! Why would you do that to him?? he just wants to make you happy!! :((

Q-Quit: If their darling leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

- i don’t think he could ever move on..he loves you!..but that’s ok because he has a trusty map that’ll always tell him where you are! (It’s his elite employee!! Hehe)

R-Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

- Whenever he sees you cry over it, his heart cracks a little and he tries to comfort you, but letting you go is a big no no :((

S-Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc.)?

-When he first met you, he was in the library, with Ron and Hermione, you asked if one of them could help you find a section of books, and you all became friends, over time Harry noticed how Professor Snape would yell at you, how people would laugh at you, he needed to get you away from those meanies!! >:(

T-Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

- as I said a little earlier, it would make him upset, he’d do his best to comfort you!!

U-Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

- Nothin much besides the fact he’s a wizard! 🤠 (yehaw!!) but in all seriousness, Not really, he’s on the gentle side though!

V-Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

- Honestly, I don’t think there is anything you can do, with all the magic, and the map :( although there’s a tiny chance Ron or Hermione would save you!

W-Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

- gently! He’d gently hurt you, he’d feel bad!..you made him do it anyways! :(

X- Xoanon How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

- Harry probably wouldn’t worship you, just love you!..a whoooleee lot :)

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

- maybe a few years of being one of your best friends

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

WHAT!? NO NEVER!!

Whooo yay that’s my first time ever writing on an app!! I’m so proud >:3 thank you sm for reading🫶 if you have any requests or tips on how to get better please tell me<33

#yandere harry potter #yandere headcannons #harry potter #yandere #writing #first writing

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iluvzaddies · 2 years ago

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yandere!childe alphabet

warnings: unhealthy relationship/behavior, violence, some nsfw

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

childe shows his affection through giving you mora or buying you gifts. he doesn’t care if you drain his wallet dry, as long as you return his feelings. that matters more than mora.

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

the man is a psycho, who loves the thrill of battle, so expect a lot of blood shed. though, he finds it quite a hassle to clean up.

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

oh, he will certainly mock you whenever you cry for help or attempt to escape. if you are being good, he will provide you with whatever you desire, but freedom isn’t an option.

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

he is touchy and intimate. if you show signs of discomfort, he will be understanding, but his patience runs out quick. if you still don’t give in to his advances, he will force himself onto you.

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

you are his weakness. you are his light in the dark, gloomy world. he can’t live without you, so he vows to protect you at all costs and tones it down with his punishments.

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

he is amused with how much fight you have in you. he loves seeing your vulnerable side, but he also loves seeing that feisty side of you too.

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

he enjoys watching you attempt to escape because it’s completely, utterly pointless. not in a million years will he allow that to happen.

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

disobeying him will lead you to being on his bed, underneath him, screaming his name all night and day. sex isn’t just a form of punishment, it’s a daily routine. he loves sex as much as he loves battle.

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

he is a family man and dreams of a domestic life with you. settling down, getting married, having a house of your own, having multiple children. he will do anything to make that dream a reality.

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

he has an overinflated ego, so he doesn’t get jealous very easily. he knows other people cannot compete with him. he is the whole package. if he does get jealous, best believe the one who dares to pursue you and thinks they have a chance with you will be six feet under.

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

he is albeit softer with you than with other people. with other people, he is cold and ruthless.

Love Letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

first, he builds your trust, so your guard is down. second, you become friends. third, he confesses his love for you. fourth, he reveals his identity. fifth, he uses his title against you, so you have no choice but to accept his confession.

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

not really, he still acts like an a-hole, but it depends on your behavior.

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

“what a naughty girl you are.”

the man is a freak. what do you think will happen to you? 👀

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

you are forever trapped with him, like a fly caught in a spider’s web. your friends and family will never see you again. ever.

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

he is pretty patient, but like i said before, his patience runs out quick. that is something to look out for.

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

if you die, then what is the point of living anymore? the world will go back to being dark and gloomy again, and he will go back to being lonely again. he might as well just join you.

if you somehow managed to escape, he will track you down the ends of the earth until you are back in his arms again.

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

if he was past ajax, yes. but childe, no. being in the fatui for so many years has fucked him up, so he barely feels an ounce of guilt.

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

he comes from a rich family. whatever he wants, he gets. that’s his motto.

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

“aw, why are you crying?”

degradation, manipulation, reverse psychology.

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

sometimes he is soft, sometimes he is sadistic.

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

he doesn’t get fooled easily, just like how you can’t escape easily. he can see right through you, hun. he isn’t stupid.

Wit’s End: Would they ever hurt their darling?

just be good is all i can say.

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

he will do anything for you. he will spoil you. you will never go wanting again. he will even kill for you. just say the word and he’ll do it.

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

not long at all. he can’t wait for so long. he wants you– no, he needs you so badly.

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

if you are stubborn, he will break you mentally and emotionally until you finally comply. maybe physically if you continue to be stubborn.

#childe #childe x reader #genshin headcannons #genshin impact #genshin impact x reader #yandere genshin impact #yandere #yandere x reader #yandere childe #yandere genshin headcanons #yandere genshin x reader #genshin x you #childe x you

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azrielsdove · 10 months ago

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you probably have many requests… and I’m sorry if I’m burdening you and just want to say you are under absolutely no obligation to do this. Ignore it! Delete it! Answer it! all would be fine!

could you do any male acotar character x reader based off the song by Bruno Mars. Talking To The Moon?

All your writings are fabulous and have made me feel a lot better when I’m down so thank you!

The Moon Above Us: Lucien X Reader

Warnings: Angst

***

Lucien sat in his room for what felt like the hundredth night in a row, staring up at the bright moon above. The silver light shone gently on his face, illuminating the golden eye that resides there. He sucked in a deep breath as memories ran around his mind.

“Hello,” he said softly, the routine he had become used to. “Where are you at tonight?” He pondered his own question, thinking of all her favorite places. A night out at Rita’s perhaps, surrounded by their friends.

Not that Lucien really classified them as his friends anymore. “What are you up to?” He asked the shining moon, remembering the way it reflected upon her eyes. She would laugh and twirl under the brilliant night sky, hair flowing out wide behind her. A night just like that had been when Lucien began to fall in love.

How could everything change so quickly?

“I wish I could take it back,” he whispered up to the sky. “Everything I said that day. It wasn’t truly about you, not really. I let too many things get to me at once and you were the unfortunate victim to my stress and anger.” A tear slid down his cheek, the pain of losing her at his own foolish hand too much to bear.

He would never forget the hurt on her face as he shouted, the fiery rage in her eyes when she yelled back. He had never felt more ashamed of himself than in those moments after she left their shared home, telling him that she never wanted to see his face again.

Lucien had left that very night. Slipped out of Velaris under the cover of the stars, making his way back to Spring.

Tamlin had caught him talking to the moon several times now. At first his friend was concerned that Lucien had lost it, that the break-up had been more than he could handle. Perhaps it was. Lucien didn’t care to explain that the moon was the last connection he had to her, the only way to speak to her. They may be many Courts apart, but the same glimmering moon hung above both of their heads.

“I will always love you, you know. Do you still love me?” He looked down at his hands. “I would understand if you don’t.”

He could never return to her, not without her wish. He wouldn’t risk showing up in Velaris unannounced, the possible wrath of Rhysand too dangerous. A cowardly part of him didn’t think he would survive her anger, if it remained. So he stayed in Spring, talking to the moon as if it was his old lover.

“My heart belongs to you, my soul belongs to yours. I do not know how much longer I can do this without you.” His voice broke on the last sentence, a vulnerability only she and the moon had ever seen.

Lucien looked up one last time, ready to retire to his bed for the night. He hadn’t been the same since she had gone. As often as he spoke up to the moon, he could only hope she knew just how sorry he was.

***

READER POV

You leaned against the small balcony outside the bedroom that used to house two of you. You were focused on the moon above you, as bright and beautiful as ever. “I hope you’re doing well,” you said, looking up into the night.

After the fight you and Lucien got into, you had told him to never come back. You regretted those rash words all too often, wishing you could go back in time. Try to understand his anger, why he had lashed out at you. You knew, even then, that he wasn’t truly upset with you.

“What are you doing tonight?” You asked the moon, pausing as if waiting for an answer. You knew he had gone back to Spring, clearly wanting to be as far away from you as possible. You had half a mind those first few weeks to go after him, but you didn’t think he’d want to see you. Not after what you said.

You felt like half a soul without him, missing him like you would miss a body part. You and Lucien were made for each other, you were certain of it. Now he was gone, leaving you in the home you used to share on the edge of the Sidra. Rhys had asked if you would like to move, offering up other homes in the area. You declined them all, a piece of you unable to leave this one. You felt like if you left this home, you would be losing all you had left of Lucien.

“I’ve been trying to be okay,” you began, eyes focused on the moon. “It’s hard. I miss you, Lu. I miss you so much. I’m not the same without you.” Tears filled your eyes, threatening to fall at any second.

At first you had felt foolish, talking to the moon. The sleepless nights alone had led you out here, gazing up into the night. That was when it had started. It somehow felt like you were talking to him, as if he was on the other side. You told yourself that even Courts apart, the same moon shone above the both of you.

“I’ll never love anyone else, Lu. It’s only ever been you for me, you know that. I tried to tell you that on that awful night.” The silvery light grew blurry under your vision, emotion taking over.

A tear slid down your cheek as you stared at the night. The moon and the stars dancing across the dark sky, making these hard nights feel a little less long. You knew you would always feel broken, as long as Lucien wasn’t by your side.

***

He was yelling, fire raging behind his russet eye. “Do you think you are better than me? Is that it?” You were taken aback, hardly having closed the door behind you.

“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, Lu,” you said, trying to keep your voice calm.

He scoffed. “You spend all your days with them, the ‘High Lord’ and his brothers. Do you take me for a fool?” His anger was radiating throughout the room, infecting you as well.

“Excuse me?” You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. “Where is this coming from? I work with them, Lucien. What has crawled up your ass and died?”

“Do not act innocent now! You were just using me, using me to rise up in Spring. Now you can move on to the next male who can give you a higher station. You think the General is going to fuck you? The Shadowsinger? The High Lord himself?” His words were full of hatred, a tone he had never taken with you.

“Have you lost your mind? They are my friends. It has only ever been you, and this is how you have decided to treat me? I would choose your next words very carefully.” You were seething, fists clenched tight at your sides. You knew Lucien had been under a severe amount of stress recently, and something must have pushed him to his limit. However you did not deserve to be attacked like this.

He rolled his eyes. “You are nothing but a user.” His words cut you deep, a knife in your stomach.

You felt hot tears prick at the back of your eyes, anger clouding your vision. “You do not mean that. Tell me you aren’t going to through years of love away due to some, some.. delusion!” You shouted, unable to believe what you were hearing.

“I do mean it. Eris pointed it out to me.” Ah. Eris. That would explain his mood. You calmed ever so slightly, knowing how he got when his brother came around.

“You know as well as anyone that Eris is a fool, Lucien. Do not fall for his games.” You took a step closer to your love, reaching out for him.

He stepped backwards, away from your grasp. “Don’t touch me. I don’t know who to trust anymore.”

You dropped your hand and turned on your heel, heading for the door. You ripped it open, ignoring how hard it slammed against the wall. You would deal with that later. “Get out, Lucien. Get. Out,” you hissed between your teeth, not even fully looking back at him. “I want you gone before I get back, and I never want to see you again. Stay away from me.”

That was the last time you saw him.

***

I’m sorry this took so long to get out!! I haven’t had much time to write recently! I hope this is what you wanted, Talking to the Moon is a FAVORITE song of mine! I made it very sad and angsty, a longing for each other that they don’t realize can be fulfilled. I chose Lucien because I love writing for him! Let me know what you think and thank you for requesting <3

#acotar #acotar x reader #acotar x you #acotar x y/n #lucien x reader #lucien x y/n #lucien x you #lucien vanserra #requests

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myangxlics · 9 months ago

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Rusty Smith (oc) Yandere Alphabet

Warnings: yandere themes, murder, manipulation, small mention of drugging

Affection: How do they show their love and affection? How intense would it get?

Rusty can be very changing with his moods. He can be very loving but also has a very short temper. He tends to do the whole tough love thing at first but soon he begins to be clingy. He tends to give his darling many gifts which can range from stuffies to body parts

Blood: How messy are they willing to get when it comes to their darling?

EXTREMELY messy. Killing is basically his hobby

Cruelty: How would they treat their darling once abducted? Would they mock them?

He would mock his darling but in a loving way

Darling: Aside from abduction, would they do anything against their darling’s will?

Spending time together. He doesn’t care if they don’t like physical touch or spending time with their literal kidnapper, if he wants to hold you, he will hold you

Exposed: How much of their heart do they bare to their darling? How vulnerable are they when it comes to their darling?

Rusty hates being vulnerable and his darling will most likely never see him in a vulnerable state. He tries to open up with his darling, but he isn’t used to it

Fight: How would they feel if their darling fought back?

Annoyed and Amused, it depends on how he’s feeling

Game: Is this a game to them? How much would they enjoy watching their darling try to escape?

Rusty loves watching his darling try to come up with escape plans or trying to run away. It’s cute, really. He likes to give them hope that they’ll get away before crushing those hopes and taking them back to his home <3

Hell: What would be their darling’s worst experience with them?

If his darling pissed him off enough, he would make them kill someone as a punishment or if they tried to escape he might shoot them in the leg

Ideals: What kind of future do they have in mind for/with their darling?

He hopes to have a cute little thing to spoil and love on. Marriage isn’t really on his mind, but if darling wanted to, he would

Jealousy: Do they get jealous? Do they lash out or find a way to cope?

He gets jealous fast. If someone makes small talk with his darling, thats fine, but when someone looks at his darling with that look that is practically undressing them, he gets pissed. He usually lashes out but always makes sure to comfort you afterwards

Kisses: How do they act around or with their darling?

Rusty is very teasing but physical. He likes to be a bit calmer with his darling after they’ve adapted to their new life. He enjoys walking his dog, Bo, with you in the forest and likes showing off how strong he is.

Love letters: How would they go about courting or approaching their darling?

He puts on a charming face to woo his darling

Mask: Are their true colors drastically different from the way they act around everyone else?

Not really 🤷‍♂️

Naughty: How would they punish their darling?

Though he may physically hurt others, physically hurting you is a huge no. He rather hurts you mentally or emotionally, making you see him as the only thing that can give you comfort and protection. He’ll do things to give you a fear of other people, to really drill in the fact that he is the only person who is not out to get you

Oppression: How many rights would they take away from their darling?

A lot but he would gradually give them back as rewards for good behavior! Didn’t try to kick him when he walked by? You can sit on the couch with him instead of staying in the bedroom alone. Didn’t try to run away? You can have free roam of some of the house. Didn’t try to bite him when he feeds you? You can feed yourself. Stuff like that

Patience: How patient are they with their darling?

He can be patience, but if you do things that will endanger you or he’s had a bad day, he has no patience

Quit: If their darling dies, leaves, or successfully escapes, would they ever be able to move on?

If his darling died he’d go batshit crazy. If his darling left or escaped, he would hunt them down until they were back in his arms

Regret: Would they ever feel guilty about abducting their darling? Would they ever let their darling go?

No lol

Stigma: What brought about this side of them (childhood, curiosity, etc)?

His father was like this with his mother. Both of his parents were equally fucked up. His father would take him hunting, hunting both humans and animals. His mother would constantly lecture him that if he ever got a lover, he needed to protect them no matter what. To put it in short form, his dad got him addicted to killing and his mother taught him to be obsessive and possessive over his lovers

Tears: How do they feel about seeing their darling scream, cry, and/or isolate themselves?

Screaming and crying can easily be taken care of. Nothing a gag or sleeping pills can’t do. But isolating, he knows how damaging it can be and refuses to let his darling isolate themselves from him

Unique: Would they do anything different from the classic yandere?

He enjoys taking his darling into town and on walks

Vice: What weakness can their darling exploit in order to escape?

His trust is his only weakness

Wit’s end: Would they ever hurt their darling?

Physically, no. Mentally or emotionally, yes

Xoanon: How much would they revere or worship their darling? To what length would they go to win their darling over?

As much as Rusty does tough love with his darling, he genuinely sees them as a gift from god and would do almost anything for them

Yearn: How long do they pine after their darling before they snap?

Probably a month tops

Zenith: Would they ever break their darling?

Yes and no. It’s not that he wants to completely change his darling, he loves their personality, hell, it’s the main reason he took them! He just wants to make so they are completely dependent on him

#male yandere #yandere male #yandere #yandere x reader #male oc #male oc x gn reader #rusty smith my oc

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she-posts-nerdy-stuff · 1 year ago

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hey! i love your posts! i was wondering if you could possibly do an analysis on the infamous bathroom scene? why does kaz choose this time to get close to inej and help her with her bandages? do you think he went in with the intention to try and give her physical affection or did it just happen? why does he choose to kiss her neck and is there significance to that? no rush, but i’d love to hear your thoughts!

Thanks so much for your question! I know you said I rush but it really has been a long time so I’m so sorry this took forever, but let’s go!

So the bathroom scene begins very specifically parallel with one of the earliest scenes of Six of Crows, when Kaz is washing in his room at the Slat and Inej walks in to deliver him news, and I think this is supposed to give us a sense of finality. It increases the tension, because at this point the reader is very aware that not everyone is necessarily going to survive Kaz's plan and having this echo could therefore look something frighteningly like closure to prepare us for losing one or both of the pair. Now this can be interpreted as a red herring, Leigh Bardugo is the queen of hitting where the mark’s not looking and she feeds us a lot of red herrings to hide her actual foreshadowing (I made a post about it a while ago now but in summary she’s a genius), and this could definitely be an extension of that to draw attention away from Matthias, similarly to how she focuses on the possibility of Matthias losing Nina a lot more than she does Nina losing Matthias, or it could be a hark back to Inej looking at the murals of animals running in circles in Six of Crows, describing them as “destined to chase each other for as long as the Ice Court stood” (or along those lines sorry I don’t have my books with me at the minute) as a metaphor for her and Kaz’s relationship. I think that the cyclical nature of this scene is meant to reference that in order to suggest that actually they have found a way to break the cycle, because they succeeded at the Ice Court, they metaphorically brought it down and so the cycle is broken, and the fact that there are several distinct differences between these parallel scenes enhances that for me.

This scene is only given to us in detail from Kaz's POV, whereas the early scene is from Inej's, and in each case the opposite character is arguably in the more vulnerable appearing position. In the first scene Kaz is shirtless, washing blood off himself, and Inej is actively discomforted by the immodesty of the interaction between them. In the bathroom scene, Inej has removed her tunic and I believe is wearing a tank top, which for her is a massively vulnerable way to be seen because she covers most of her skin all the time - particularly her arms because of her scars from the removal of the Menagerie tattoo. By this point the scars has been removed by Nina when she was high on parem, but that doesn't make Inej's psychological connection to them end and it definitely doesn't decrease her feeling of vulnerability when her skin is on show. There's also the added tension of Inej being injured in this scene. Although both scenes are in the aftermath of danger, the bathroom scene has a far stronger sense of the further danger to come than the earlier one did, since at the time we knew so little of the heist and the plan. Inej's injury solidifies this and makes the danger feel constant and real, as well as intensely increasing her vulnerability in a way that she is very aware of.

The fact that Kaz chooses now to get close to her intensifies this sense of danger and makes the reader very aware that Kaz Brekker, the Bastard of the Barrel, the man we have witnessed successfully breaking in and out of the Ice Court, cutting out a man's eye, scaring a small child so badly she'll probably need therapy as an adult, murdering, thieving, and being so committed to his plans that he swallowed and regurgitated a set of lockpicks without a second thought, is actually, genuinely terrified that he won't come back from the next stage of his plan. In fact he's so terrified that he has decided to face the only other thing that frightens him, so that if he dies today at least he tried. I'm not sure if he went in with the intention of moving from helping her with the bandages to physical intimacy, because even the bandages alone would be a huge step for him. It's possible that once he'd committed to helping her with the bandages anyway, that he decided to push himself as far as possible in case he never got another chance. Possibly if he'd taken things in smaller steps he would have been able to cope with helping her today, and then know that he could help her again, and maybe one day after that he'll be able to kiss her. But one of the things that makes this moment so beautiful is that this is a snippet of time where Kaz and Inej are the only thing that exist, there is no future and if they try hard enough maybe there can be no past, maybe there can just be the present, there can just be this. Kaz takes these steps now becasue he doesn't see a chance to do it again, and although this does wonders to enhance the importance and the beauty of the scene it is also terrifying as a reader to face the very real possibility of Kaz not coming back.

I’m really glad you mentioned him kissing her neck because I do think it’s possibly symbolic and quite meaningful. Whilst both of them struggle with physical contact to different capacities, it’s important to note that whilst Kaz’s fear of contact has made intimacy a seeming impossibility for him, for Inej it’s intimacy itself that’s the biggest influence on her pain. She struggles with any contact she isn’t prepared for beforehand, but only ever finds it worth explaining when it’s a form of intimacy - “the first time Nina hugged me, I flinched”. Even though Inej consents in the scene and doesn’t, at least not vocally or physically and therefore not to the reader’s knowledge, change her mind, she never initiates anything. I think this is important because it forces Kaz to be the one who handles the initial contact; if she touched him skin-on-skin without him forcing himself to do so first then he probably would have shut down and panicked a lot sooner because he wasn’t in control. But he also shows such an important understanding that Inej also needs some level of control. And that control comes in her decision to return the kiss. If he kissed her lips she would be forced to face the prospect of her worst fear “would she kiss him back? Could she be herself in such a moment or […] a doll in his arms, a girl who would never quite be whole”. (Again, sorry, operating on memory alone for the quotes). By kissing her neck, Kaz is able to create this moment of sensuality without taking control of it any more than he needs to for his own sake, making sure that the choice always remains hers. It also makes me think of when Nina kisses Matthias on the neck whilst searching his pockets for parem, when she says that she didn’t kiss his lips because she would not let the drug take that from her. Leigh Bardugo establishes this kiss on the lips as something powerful early on in the book and it comes into play once again here, with Kaz and Inej acknowledging that kind of connection to be a far more symbolic one for them than an initial contact is. In much the same way that Kaz refused to be the one to mark Inej again, he will not be the one to kiss her lips and create a situation she is unprepared to deal with. Ultimately, he has to be able to touch her skin first, and she has to be able to kiss his lips first.

Ok I wasn't one hundred percent sure how I was going to go about this and then suddenly all of that was on the page, but I think what I'm going to do now is pick some specific quotes or moments from the scene to talk about.

"I don't have the words to thank you" "I'm sure the Suli have a thousand proverbs for such an occasion" "words have not been invented for such an occasion" "if I end up on the gallows you can say something nice over the corpse" - honestly not sure if I have anything to say about this I just love this conversation so damn much

"if that were true my shadow would have put Ketterdam in permananent night" "maybe. or maybe your someone else's shadow" "You mean Pekka" - I feel like I talk about Kaz being Pekka's shadow an awful lot but I am just so obsessed with the idea, they are literary foils but there are also such important distinct differences between them it’s just incredible

“I don’t sell girl into brothels, I don’t con helpless kids out if their money” “look at the floor of the crow club, Kaz,” - okay so of the same vein and again I feel like I talk about it a lot, in fact it’s literally what inspired the entire fic im writing (if you wanna read it all the chapters are tagged under “Maya Olsen oc”) but these lines are so goddamn heartbreaking I will never get over them

“How could she still look at the world that way?” - it’s just really interesting to me to have this direct address of comparison of the way their view has been shaped by their experiences, particularly as I’ve talked a lot about Inej having to come to terms with the idea that what happened to her isn’t just a cruel part of the world but an individual piece of a cruel world especially with seeing the “Rare Spices” billboard using hyper-sexualised Suli women to sell the products (I made a whole post on that too) and yet still she sees hope in the world. A lot of this I think is to do with her faith, because instead of believing that there can be no god or saints or other form of deity because of the cruelty in the world, as Kaz does (it’s confirmed that he prayed as a child but is obviously now very atheistic, though we don’t get a lot of detail about what religion he may or may not have practiced), a big part of Inej’s path to hell by is believing that fate planned this for her so that it would lead her to stopping it from happening to others. I struggle with this idea because it seems to imply that it makes her pain worthy of going through when obviously no-one should ever have to experience such trauma, but there are many different ways of interpreting this and personally I don’t think that Inej believes her Saints did this to her for a reason but that she believes they have found a reason for her to continue after after the fact and given her a cause in order to help her through her experiences. I hope this makes sense it’s starting to feel a bit ramble-y

Oh my god I just wrote loads after that and it didn’t save. Oh my god no I can’t believe it I’ve been writing for so long 😭 ok erm… oh god I’m so annoyed right now I can’t remember everything I wrote and it was so much like I’d nearly got to the end of the chapter doing a quote by quote analysis. Ok I’m going to try and reconstruct what I did but please bare with if this isn’t my best work because usually I write very freely when I do these and just throw whatever comes into my head into the page so cautiously trying to think back to what I said originally might make it come across a bit stilted.

I can’t believe I’ve done this 😭

“The distance between them felt like nothing. It felt like miles” - his internal conflict is so brilliantly written and it’s so heartbreaking; the way this is far too close but it’s much too far away

“Graceful as always. A girl underwater” - again this internal conflict, the way she’s underwater because her movements are fluid but she’s also underwater because to touch her it to drown

“His gloves lay discarded […] they looked like dead animals”

“Maybe he would never get to the Slat. Maybe this would kill him.”

“Inej’s eyes were wide and dark. Lost planets. Black moons” - I will never shut up about the fact that soc starts with Joost wishing Anya had blue eyes instead of brown so they were easier to compliment, and then the two books are absolutely overflowing with Kaz and Inej describing each other’s beautiful brown eyes

“It’s shame that eats men whole. He was drowning it. Drowning in the Ketterdam harbour”

“Even now a boy will smile at me on the street, or Jesper will put his arm around my waist, and I feel I’m going to vanish,” - this is such and important moment, this scene is the most vulnerable and open Inej ever is out loud and I think it’s such a massive concession to her trust in Kaz. I think that, especially because the scene is written from Kaz’s perspective, we get a lot more emphasis on his struggle than on Inej’s and although it’s really important to discuss Kaz I do think that sometimes we tread a thin line of focusing on him at the expense of losing focus on Inej and it’s so massively important to acknowledge both of them. This is also one of the things that I think was the biggest downfall of the way the writing in shadow and bone season 2 treated Inej, although I absolutely adore the show and I think that everything Amita Suman does shows that she understands the character in a deep and beautiful level, I also think it’s so so important to realise that not once in either season does that script actually state that the Menagerie is a brothel. One of my friends who hasn’t read the books didn’t get the full picture of Inej’s backstory until I filled in some small gaps for her because the writing just didn’t do her full justice, and I think that’s really unfortunate not least because it means that to some who hasn’t read the books a lot of Inej’s actions in season 2 would come across as her trying rush Kaz into something he isn’t ready for when that isn’t the situation in the slightest

“The room tilted. He clung to the tether of her voice” - I’ve seen a lot of stuff online about the focus points of contact between grishaverse couples and the way their represented, for example with Malina it’s their hands (the way they hold hands as Alina is grabbed by Volcra and it amplifies her power, the way they reach to intertwine their fingers in the meadow, etc). And most of these label the eyes as Kanej’s focal point of contact, and whilst I agree with that I also think that the voice is a massively underrepresented one, especially from Kaz’s perspective. It’s Inej’s voice that helps him work through his panic attack in soc and it’s Inej’s voice that keeps him afloat now, arguably because it’s a form of connection between them that requires no closeness or input, it just exists and can be relied upon.

“I live in fear that I’ll see one of her… one of my clients on the street. For a long time I thought I recognised them everywhere. But sometimes I think what they did to me wasn’t the worst of it” - okay I want to warn you guys now I wrote a long and in depth analysis on this quote and I was incredibly passionate and very proud of it so I’n really really annoyed it didn’t save, and I’m sorry because my analysis now is probably not going to live up to what I wrote earlier but here we go:

For me, this is a massively important quote and there are two ways to read it. Firstly, that when she refers to “her” Inej means Heleen but edits her words as a continuation of this vulnerability she is forcing herself to share. The second is going to link to something I said a while ago about how we could compare a separation of “Inej” and “The Wraith” to the separation of “Kaz” and “Dirtyhands”, but this is a bit more like the separation of “Rietveld” and “Brekker”. Inej talks a lot about how she would leave her body behind to exist only in her mind, in passages I find particularly reminiscent of passages in The Handmaid’s Tale (although please note soc is not very explicit whereas tht is incredibly explicit). But to take that idea further, I think there are certain hints, and I think this is possibly the biggest one, to imply that one of Inej’s ptsd responses it to actually view herself today as a separate entity from who she was during her indenture, effectively saying ‘yes these things happened to this body but they didn’t happen to this mind so that should make it easier’ to herself, which is massively self-destructive in nature because it almost creates this idea that she needs to get over who she once was and move on, very similar to the way Kaz Brekker represses Kaz Rietveld. Arguably, what she’s saying is the worst of it is this fracturing of the self that has been created by what they put her through and that she cannot seem to escape from. Now obviously I don’t know the intent behind Leigh Bardugo’s words and I want to be very clear that there are different possible interpretations of this, this one in particular does happen to more darkly resonate with her ptsd that does not make it correct or incorrect but I think it’s worth considering, especially when it adds another layer to the parallels between her and Kaz.

Ok I’m not going to write out the full quote because it’s quite long but starting from the line “Tante Heleen wasn’t always cruel” - now I talked about this a bit in my post about a comparison between Inej and Wylan as subsequent to a comparison between Heleen and Van Eck, but very specifically in this passage Inej describes this horrifying, heart-shattering image of the way Heleen attempted to instil something akin to Stockholm Syndrome within the girls at the Menagerie, by forcing them to believe that she was their only hope for survival, that she was kinder to them than anyone else would be, that they had to prove they deserved to stay with her, that any abuse she brought down on them came from a place of some kind of twisted love or care because she had to do this to make them understand, that if they would just be good and if they would just understand then she wouldn’t have to hurt them but they won’t do they are forcing her to do this. It’s so painful and it tells us so much detail about Inej’s experience without actually going into tiny explicit details.

“Feeling regret and release as he broke contact with her skin” - again so brilliantly highlighting his internal conflict

“He could feel the warmth of her on his fingers like fever” - if I had a list of my favourite similes in literature… well it would be very long, but this would be on it!!! The subtlety and yet emphasis on Kaz’s internal conflict is so beautifully written here, with the warmth of her flesh against his creating this sensual atmosphere but the comparison of it to fever, to the illness that killed Jordie and took Kaz to the Reaper’s Barge, adds to the way the reminder of his pain is threaded through every moment even when he isn’t physically suffering a flashback, it’s just constantly present and inescapable

“That rapid pulse fluttering in her throat. Alive. Alive. Alive” - agaiiiiiiiiiiiin with the so brilliantly written internal conflict I will never get over. The entire scene is at war with itself, every sentence at odds with its own content. The sexual tension created in the image of the fast heart rate and the way this makes you feel alive versus the desperate need to keep reminding himself that she is alive and breathing she is not a body on the Reaper’s Barge.

Ohhhhh just the whole description of Kaz saying “after all she’d endured, he was the weak one” and explaining the pain of watching the others able to hold each other, how difficult it is to see Nina hug her and Jesper out his arm around her genuinely makes me want to cry, it resonates so sadly with the scene when they arrive at the Geldrenner and all the others are hugging and so happy to see each other alive, and Nina says that even if Kaz isn’t happy to see them they’re happy to see him, meanwhile Kaz is in a war of self loathing because he so intensely fears that they hate him because they think he hates them but he has no way of expressing himself and it’s just ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you know?

“He watched that pulse, the evidence of her heart”

The whole passage that follows this moment I can’t explain it any other way than I feel like I’m melting every time I read it. I saw a Tumblr post someone had put on Pinterest recently and if I find it again I’ll put the op username in the comments but it basically said that when a writer can write something that isn’t a sex scene as if it’s a sex scene that it’s kind of magical and I think in a lot of ways this resonates massively with this scene

Ugh and then I want to cry again when he can’t cope and the I ability to express himself becomes anger and becomes descriptions of violence. This is the only time we get a full feel for the absolute unending mess of Kaz’s theist for revenge; it’s never enough, not the banks, not the attorneys, not the man from the cafe, not the boy who lured them in, not Margit, not Saskia, and Pekka Rollins won’t be. I always wonder if it’s important that we’re never told what he did to Saskia. We know that the roper was tortured and left dead with “the key to a wind up dog shoved down his throat” so we know Kaz exercises some kind of poetic justice in his violence, and we see that in his revenge against Rollins too. Maybe he strangled her with a red hair ribbon. Maybe he never actually hurt her. Maybe he couldn’t bring himself to.

“You don’t ask for forgiveness Kaz. You earn it,” “and is that what you intend to do? By hunting slavers?” “By hunting slavers” - maybe it’s just because of the intonation choice on my audiobook (which btw is awesome shout out to the narrators of the audiobook love you guys) but this to me comes across as Kaz attempting to mock Inej in his harried, terrified, clearly losing control state and her so calmly standing her ground and standing by what she believes in

“His eyes scanned her face […] snatching at the pieces of her like the thief he was”

“But if he was going to die today maybe the one thing he’d earned was the memory of her, brighter than anything he would ever have a right to, to take with him to the other side.”

The way the last moments of the scene include him putting back in the gloves, reconstructing the armour

“He might as well go to meet his death in style” - this is gonna be out of tune with everything else I’ve said but damn what an icon love this line

“Whatever happens to me, survive this city. Get your ship, have your vengeance, carve your name into their bones, but survive this mess I’ve gotten us into.” - I may simply ✨cease to exist✨. But genuinely I’ve mentioned several times before about how the city of Ketterdam almost becomes it’s own character as the antagonist because ultimately it’s the system, not any individual, that has to be defeated and I think this quote highlights it so well. There are individual people that have to be dealt with and deserve everything that will be brought done upon them, but it’s the city itself that you have to watch out for or it will swallow you whole

I’m not going to go into detail about their tells because I’ve made a post devoted to them before and good lord this post is getting long, but I just want to emphasise that it’s a brilliant passage

“If you’ve ever cared about me at all, don’t follow” - I just absolutely adore that the next chapter starts with Inej following him mimicking these exact words I love her so damn much it makes giggle every time

“Inej was wrong about one thing. He knew exactly what he intended to leave behind when was gone: Damage” - *collapses* God I adore this there are no words

Ok wow if you made it this far thank you so much for reading this honestly I’m very impressed that you did because this is long. There are definitely details that I’ve lost because I had to require so much of it, which is a real shame but there’s still a lot to talk about here and I’ve written so much is possibly best for the sake of all our sanity’s that there isn’t more. Sorry I took so long to respond to your question but thank you so so much for asking it, I hope you all like this and that it at least made some sense because as I’ve said before these things often make more sense in my own head than they do on paper. Thanks for reading 💖

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builtbybrokenbells · 1 year ago

Text

Gold Dust Woman | vii

Facing a daunting battle between vulnerability and security, y/n is lead to believe that in a decision of love, the answer must lie within simplicity. She quickly finds that true love is never simple, and the love that she has felt thus far has been nothing but difficult.

Read part six here

Pairing: sam kiszka x f!reader, jake kiszka x f!reader

Word Count: 14.3k

Warnings: SMUT 18+, unprotected sex, car sex, toxic parents, mentions of financial abuse, mentions of being poor/poverty, emotional talks, self-deprecation, insecurities, sad jake, sad sam, brief mentions of drinking, fluff, angst, swearing, sorry if i miss any!

sorry for the wait 🫶🏻 but here’s some more for you, and finally some good fucking character complexity. there is smut in this chapter but it’s not really hot and heavy, mostly used for the plot. needed some story advancement so i used this chapter for a lot of it. sorry for the wait, and if it’s not the best! have not been myself lately, but getting slowly there again. VERY lightly edited, too. as always, be kind, enjoy, and don’t mind any grammar mistakes 😁

“Stop it,” you giggled, swiping the hand away that was so eager to plaster your nose with whipped cream. It was a fruitless attempt, as the boy was much more agile with his hands than you could keep up with. It seemed like as soon as you captured his wrist in your hand, he had wiggled free and reached forward to finish his torment. With a dollop of cream settled on the tip of your nose, you couldn’t even find it within yourself to be upset with the perpetrator. “Happy now?”

“Very,” Sam nodded, leaning back in his seat to bask in his victory. You used a napkin to wipe away the small mess he created with no ill feelings residing within you at all. His small teasing, all of the little things that he did to annoy you only ever seemed to make you fall for him harder. Which was why you were both leaned over one dessert plate with hearts dancing in your eyes, sat dressed to the nines and directly in the middle of a high class restaurant. “You look beautiful, you know. Whipped cream and all.” He gave you a soft smile, eyes lingering over your face with a type of longing that could have made you fall in love with him forever.

“Was the whipped cream the selling point?”

“Yeah. Didn’t think you could get any sweeter, but I guess I was wrong.” He chuckled, reaching his hand out for you to take. You let your hand rest in his, fingers dancing together in attempt to say all of the small things you couldn’t will yourself to tell him. Your other hand reached for your wine glass which had lipstick decorating the rim of the thin glass, showcasing the beautiful night you had shared with him. “Thanks for coming out, tonight.” He said it as if it were blasphemous that you had accepting his offer of a date. In truth, he was just thankful you still seemed to have so much interest in him.

“Thank you for inviting me.” You said, taking a long sip of your beverage. You were only on glass two, trying to keep the consumption light. You wanted to be in a good state of mind for the rest of the night.

It had been a few weeks since the beginning of your entanglement with the brothers. Weeks filled with memories, words of adoration, and dinners much like the one you were sharing then. Sam had seemed to fall in love with the idea of courting you, in love with shared meals at restaurants and walks through the city at night when the lights twinkled in the most perfect ways, and any other opportunity that arose in between. He wanted to win you over in the most intimate way of all; a show of true affection, not just sex in the heat of the moment. It seemed like every other day he was knocking at your door with a new plan, a new idea to spark your interest in him. At first, he seemed to pull away from you after the messy hookup in your kitchen. In truth, he was nervous and had no idea how to communicate it. Now, he’d jumped through the hoop and was back in the game with more motivation than before, if that were even possible. He loved having fun with you, and fun was all you had together. It was strange, knowing that he spent so much time planning things for you while he had the knowledge that you were still tangled in his brother.

Sam had taken the romantic approach, with dates and dressing up, and it was working in his favour. You were always excited at the idea of a night spent with him, wooed with fancy bouquets of flowers and holding hands as you sat for hours immersed in nothing but each other. His brother, on the other hand, had fallen victim to his own evil spirit, and seemed to spend every free moment he could getting you naked. Although you spent most time with Jake under the covers and in the dark, that did not mean his show of love was any less intoxicating than his brother’s. Jake showed it differently, always letting you know he was thinking of you even when he was not around. Jake was never a texting type of person, or a vulnerable man, but when the lights came on and you shuffled back into your clothes, there was never a doubt that he wanted you far beyond the routine you were so comfortable in. Good morning messages, coffee delivered at work exactly how you liked it, and the loving look in his eye when he saw you made it impossible to believe he only wanted something sexual. He loved you so much it hurt, and he loved you in the only way he knew how. That was no secret, and everyone knew it, even if it was always left unspoken.

Jake was not a stranger to dates, but it was never a grand show of affection or money. It was intimate, usually in a quiet place where he could focus all of his energy on you. They were few and far between compared to Sam’s itinerary, but they were just as meaningful. Jake seemed as though he wanted to know everything about you, and he wanted to learn as often as he could, in every way possible. He was enchanting and alluring, and you were still just as captivated in him as you were since the beginning. Although he was around less, it made the time spent with him all the more precious.

When it came to a decision, or who was in the lead in their foolish little game, an answer was near impossible. Things did seem to go back to a sense of normalcy after Jake visited you at work, and blatant jealousy was no longer prominent. You could still see it in their eyes, the flash of fire when the other left a hand on you for a little too long, but they did a great job of keeping it satiated. In turn, they both seemed to step up their efforts in pursuit by an overwhelming margin. To keep it fair and respectful, you had implemented a few boundaries that you were firm on. You were never with both brothers on the same day, and unless necessary, you did not speak to either of them about each other. You were big on communication, especially now that you had seen the disastrous effects of your own carelessness. Now, in some strange way, your predicament almost seemed normal. Without the knowledge that the three of you were all engaged in a twisted contest of sorts, it appeared as if it were just two boys stuck in a battle of courtship. When it came to the painful end, you all tried not to imagine the disaster of the inevitable.

You had made a vow to enjoy your life, even if they seemed to want to make it harder, and that is exactly what you did. Now that you had cemented a routine and some rules, the guilt and frustration seemed to fizzle away. Now you were happily able to engage in your daily activities without worrying about the consequences. In truth, you likely could have put an end to the game long ago, but deep down, you knew it would never really be over. The boys would continue on their warpath, forging any concern, and eventually, they would ruin the relationship they had as brothers. If you were going to put an end to it, you wanted to end it for good. You were desperate to teach a lesson that never should have been yours to teach.

“You ready to head out?” He asked, finishing his glass of water. You nodded, gathering the napkins and cutlery onto a single plate.

“Ready is subject,” you gave him a soft smile, finishing the last of your wine. “I’d stay with you all night if I could.”

“Good thing my bed has your name written all over it, then.” He said, a gentle squeeze on your hand letting you know he was more sincere than you could imagine. “We’ll get the work over with, and then we can do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” You teased, raising an eyebrow.

“I’m nothing if not generous.” He assured you. You knew that to be true; the look in his eye was not one to be ignored, and if you had to guess, sleeping came last on the of the list of priorities for the night. “Now come on, the faster we get this over with the faster we can get home.” Just as he spoke, a waiter dropped off the bill as if it were a universal sign that it was time to go. Sam grabbed the bill so quickly that you couldn’t even engage in a debate, immediately standing and slipping on his jacket. He held his hand out to you, which you grabbed without hesitation. As you walked towards the exit, he snaked his arm around your waist, a silent show of affection. He paid and you were on your way without another word.

When you emerged into the parking lot, he took a moment to admire you in the low light of the street lamps. He turned you towards him, smiling down at you as a hint of love twinkled in your eye. You both knew, but neither spoke of it. One of his hands cupped your cheek, his thumb gently drifting over the soft skin. Your eyes fluttered closed, savouring the moment of sweetness while you anticipated the best one of all. He leaned down, capturing you in a kiss that made your heart melt and your head spin. There were few things in the world that compared to the feeling of kissing Sam. It was like years of existing finally amounted to a moment of truly living. “Would it be too forward for me to say that I can’t wait to get you alone?” He asked as he pulled away.

“I’m glad you said it, because that means I don’t have to.” You giggled, allowing him to lead you towards his car. He opened the passenger door for you, shutting it gently as you settled inside. As he got in the drivers side, you looked to him with an air of awe in your eyes. His hair was flowing down, framing his face in a beautiful display, his lips soft and inviting, and his eyes full of the comforting feeling of home. You couldn’t help but reach over and brush your thumb across his cheek. The gentle touch caught his attention, pulling a smile from his lips. He glanced towards you, looking down at you with nothing but love in his features.

When his eyes connected with your own, you felt a warmth wash over you despite the lingering chill of the evening air. That was just the way it felt to be with him, and you were understanding that more with each day that passed. It was like wrapping your hands around a steaming mug on a crisp winters day, or the flooding relief of a confession of truth after years of suffocating it. Loving Sam was a fierce endeavour, but not one in which the loving part was difficult. It was, however, difficult to comprehend just how right it felt when his hands were touching you, or when he spoke to you with nothing but flattery in his tone. It was a struggle to understand how the world did not particularly seem more beautiful when he was around; the stars did not shine brighter, nor did the flowers bloom abundantly in the fields. However, beauty did not reflect perfection when it came to Sam, and although the display of the universe appeared the same, it did not mean he had no effect on it.

Sam did not have to make the world appear more bright, because he made it more welcoming. Everything he touched seemed to blossom with warm invitation, like he had blessed it with a new sense of belonging. Every part of you that his hands graced seemed more right than it appeared before. There was no room for insecurities or doubts about the parts of you that you previously hated, because with the love Sam casted upon them, they ceased to exist in the first place. The world was not doused in artificial artistry with the addition of his heart, but the ground was a little softer to walk on and the air a little more crisp. The flowers did not overwhelm the earth, but instead appeared to be placed in just the right spots. Sam did not make the world more beautiful, but he did make it more inviting than it had ever been before. There was a new appreciation for every detail, love for even the things that had always been overlooked. A new sense of purpose, like all of the years spent wondering if you were on the right path had finally lead to a fulfilling destination.

He did not change your view of the universe by stepping in and obscuring every aspect that you had spent years believing true. Instead, he showed you a new perspective on how to appreciate it, how to love things that were bleak and how to crush any idea of being misplaced or unwanted. He did not make things better, but rather made them make sense, even if they were bad. In your time spent with Sam, you had found a new way to love yourself because of how he loved you. You knew this not just from the way he touched you, or how he loved to compliment you. You felt it in his kiss, and even when the moments that should have been awkward were silently filled with joy. You saw it in his eyes, and more importantly, your own eyes when you caught them in a reflection of the mirror. You had fallen for him faster and harder than you could comprehend, and it was a dangerous gamble to give your heart to someone so willingly. You thought it safe in his hands, but you still believed that he could drop it whenever he pleased, and even if it were by mistake, the aftermath would be disastrous.

“What are you thinking about?” He asked, gaze still prudent. Every word was calculated, same with his gestures and touches. The fear of your heart slipping from his hand was heavy on his mind, too.

“You,” you were honest, lost in the twinkle behind his eye. He let out a chuckle, slipping his own hand to the back of your neck in a gentle embrace. He pulled you towards him, lips settling on your own like it was always meant to be that way. In a sense, it was. You and Sam were always meant to love each other, but unfortunately, you were meant to love Jake, too. The stars aligned so perfectly to guide you to where you sat in that moment, but they also made Jake appear in the back of your mind. As abhorrent as the infatuation with both of them was, your love was true, even if it was painful.

“Still thinking about me?” His face was still so close to yours that you could feel his smile.

“Always am.” You admitted, leaning forward for another kiss.

“Good,” he hummed, placing a third kiss on your lips. “I hope you never stop.”

Oh, how easy it would be to love Sam for the rest of eternity. So easy, that it was almost impossible to do, because something so simple seemed impossible to be true.

“We better get to Josh’s house,” you mumbled, pulling your phone from your purse to check the time. “Shit.” You felt a sense of panic rise as you noticed the missed messages on your phone. “My people are already on their way.”

“That’s okay, his house isn’t far from here.” He assured you, settling back into his seat. Without another word, he pulled out of the parking space and began the journey to his brothers house. You turned your head towards the window, watching the night flutter by as you drove. Houses with warm kitchen lights flooding the windows, stores and apartment complexes that screamed capitalism, and the occasional group of pedestrians littering the sidewalks. You had lived in the city for years, yet always seemed to find something new as you studied it. It was an endless world, one that you often felt overwhelmed with, but you were learning to love it the longer you lived there. “Nervous?” His question broke you from your thoughts.

“No, I don’t think so.”

“You don’t think so?” He chuckled, reaching over and slipping his hand into yours. You looked down at your intertwined fingers, feeling a sense of wonder at the sight. You and Sam were so in step with the routine of relationship that it was almost ridiculous that you couldn’t see it. All of the cheap talk about the future, the wasted money on endless bottles of wine seemed to be a stepping stone to more, but neither of you seemed to be able to close the gap. You wanted to love each other, and that was certain, but it was not as easy as it appeared to be. With Sam’s fingers dancing in your own, both so full of love from the evening shared, you could picture a life spent with him and not feel any hesitation about it. When he left, and was out of sight indefinitely, the daydream seemed to slip away. When Jake was in front of you, you felt the same relentless need for a life with him. It was so easy to fall for them both, but it was impossible to stop.

“Excited, more than anything. Maybe a little scared, but that’s normal, right?” You asked, eyes fluttering towards his face again. It was so beautiful that it was impossible not to admire him.

“Of course it is,” he gave your hand a squeeze. “Think it would be weird if you weren’t.”

“Yeah,” you agreed, giving a slight nod. Just as you did so, Sam pulled into a side street. There was no room for further conversation, because the drive had come to an end. Sam parked on the side of the street, immediately noticing that the driveway was already littered with cars. You were thankful that Josh had opened his home for the occasion; it made it all the more comfortable for you, and almost took the seriousness out of the equation. Sam took it upon himself to get out first, rushing over to your door to open it for you. You gave him a soft smile, a silent thank you for his service.

You made your way towards the front door, passing a car that was still inhabited by a few people. You stopped at the window, noticing who it was almost immediately. You knocked in the glass, causing the passenger to jump at the disturbance. When they turned to look at you, their expression lit up. You took a step back, allowing them to get out of the vehicle. “I thought you ditched us.” She scolded, letting her eyes drift over your attire. “You look nice.”

“Thanks,” you chuckled, dismissing her worry. “Lost track of time. Sorry for making you wait.”

“That’s okay, we’ve only been here for a few minutes.” She assured you.

“You remember Sam, right? I’m sure you’ve met him before.”

“Yeah, I do.” She nodded.

“Dylan, right?” He asked, studying her face to try and recollect the details.

“The one and only.” She laughed, reaching a hand out for him to shake. He returned the gesture, barely noticing her give you a questioning stare out of the corner of her eye. “This is probably the first time I’ve met you sober, though.”

“Sober isn’t really the move at my house.” You smirked, looking to the car as the driver stepped out. “Glad to see you could make the occasion.” You joked, catching his attention as he walked towards the group.

“For you, I’d always show up.” He smiled, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “Shall we?” He asked, nodding towards the house.

“We shall.” You agreed, making the first move to the entrance. When you stepped inside, you were immersed in chatter almost immediately. Although you couldn’t see the people, you could pinpoint the voices from anywhere. You followed the sound, entering the kitchen in which you spent so much of your free time in. Josh’s house was also a hotspot for hangouts, mostly when you weren’t hosting anything at your place. Although this occasion was much different, and for the first time in history, you felt nervous joining the party.

Around the table sat four bodies. In the middle of the table sat a stack of paperwork. You tried not to focus on your own erratic heartbeat, immediately finding yourself looking for Jake to calm yourself down. As if it were an unspoken promise, his gaze was already settled on you. He didn’t smile, nor speak a word, but his eyes softened enough to tell you how happy he was that you were there. “Right on the dot,” Danny said, glancing at the clock on the wall. “You’re lucky.”

“Not a good first impression.” Josh let out a disapproving tsk followed by a grin.

“Oh, shut up.” You snipped, unwilling to be ridiculed for your timing when you knew they were hardly ever adherent to any schedule other than their own. “The only reason you’re here on time is because you live here.” At your words, everyone at the table let out a hearty laugh. Josh raised his hands in defence, but had no words to argue your statement. You looked behind you, ushering your bandmates into the room. Sam had already taken a seat in the empty chair next to Danny, cautious not to linger by your side for too long. It was not a secret, the dance you were doing with the two boys, but you tried not to showcase it too much. “So this is Dylan,” you pointed to the blonde haired girl beside you. “Our drummer.” You clarified. The boys gave a round of greetings. “And Riley, our bassist.” You pointed at the boy behind you both.

“Three man band?” Danny asked, raising an eyebrow.

“That’s all we need.” You shrugged, taking a seat in an empty chair. The other two followed suit, likely just as anxious as you were feeling.

“So, this is our manager.” Josh motioned to the nameless man sitting across from him. “His name is Aaron, and he is going to explain all the boring legal stuff.” He gave a smile as he finished his statement.

“Okay, cool.” You nodded, turning your attention to the man in question. “Nice to meet you.”

“You, too.” He gave a warm smile as he reached for the paperwork. “There isn’t a lot to go over, so I won’t keep you for too long.” You gave another nod, suddenly nervous at the thought of signing any legal papers. This was something that had been in the air for weeks, discussed on the daily, but suddenly it was more real than it had ever been. The four sets of eyes watching you made it even harder to comprehend the extent of your agreement. “First off, this basically states that you have agreed to be employed under our management, which also means that you have accepted us to speak and organize events on your behalf. It’s all the terms of the tour agreement, including the terms of commissionable revenue, discounts on airfare, and employment requirements.”

“So basically what we have to do and how much we get paid for it?” Dylan asked, eyeing the stack of documents.

“Exactly.” He chuckled, looking to you and Riley to ensure you were under the same understanding. “You will get a copy of all of this, in case you feel the need to read the fine print or have any questions. I promise you that I will tell you all the important things tonight.”

“Would probably save us a years worth of reading,” Riley let out a nervous laugh.

“Exactly.” Aaron agreed, repeating his earlier answer with a smile still on his lips. He seemed like someone who was easy to get along with; you had no fear of him being in charge, mostly because the boys had eased any worry you might have had about him. They enjoyed working with him, and their opinion was important to you. “We’ll start with flights. Air discounts are included; any airfare that is not included in the outlined cost will be subject to special discount, assuming it is related to work.” You all nodded, allowing him to continue without interruption. “All administrative services are provided, including but not limited to booking flights, venues, hotels, etcetera.”

“Our business days are atypical, meaning that scheduled work time lies outside of Monday to Friday, and does not exist solely within the hours of 9-5. By signing you are consenting to the possibilities of weekends and nights, or even very early mornings. Your days off will be determined week to week, with the understanding that they may change within that time, too.”

“Looks like you’ll have to work on being a morning person.” You noted, looking to Dylan. She laughed, as well as the rest of the company. Aside from the four boys, Dylan and Riley were your closest friends and had been for years. You couldn’t have asked for better bandmates, and you had no worry about butting heads with them. They were easy-going and always willing to see reason.

“Don’t count on it.” You shared a chuckle.

“As for duties… showing up on time is the biggest one.” He let out a chortle as he glanced over to the boys out of the corner of his eyes. “They’re still working on that, but I hope that you can help them out.” You bit back a smirk, knowing just how fashionably late the boys could be. “With one opener for the first leg, aim for a 45 minute set. Sound checks, rehearsals, the occasional meetings and interviews are all a part of the job. You guys will be in the public eye now, which may take some getting used to. Just be mindful in public, mostly for safety purposes, but also presentation. Bodyguards have been hired on your behalf as well, just to make sure you’re safe.”

“Cool,” Riley said. “Makes me feel like I’m important.”

“Well, you are, now. Life will be much different, and we understand that this is your first time touring, so we’re here to guide you through it. Thankfully, these guys are pretty easy to work with, and so is everyone else. Marketing is covered, so you can choose if you want to do your own as well. We perform invoicing for any personal expenses, and if we see fit, reimbursement will be paid directly to you.” He explained, looking to the paper to see if he missed anything. “Travel insurance is provided. Unfortunately, there is a start-up fee for all individuals who will be travelling with us, but you can pay that on your own time. It’s just a down payment for services provided.”

“That’s fine.” You said, feeling a bit better about the situation. The more you spoke, the more the anxiety seemed to melt away. You would be going on a long trip with your best friends, doing the thing you loved most. It was a dream come true, and you were beyond excited to see the world. Still, there was a little voice in the back of your head that was filling you with doubt; some in regards to a lack of talent, but mostly in regards to the two brothers who you found yourself infinitely intertwined with. You wanted to believe that signing a contract that entailed spending every day with them would be okay, but the truth of the matter was that you were signing the final deal with the devil. All the events leading up to this was nothing but child’s play; now, they were inescapable, and you were willingly making the choice to remain blind to the dangers.

“In this section, it outlines your earnings. I’ll hand it to you to discuss amongst yourselves. We’re open to negotiation if you feel like doing so, but if not, we can move forward.” He passed the documents a little further down the table, allowing all of you to see the fine print. You read in silence, processing the numbers before looking towards your bandmates. When they finished, you all shared a collective nod of agreement.

“That sounds good to us.” You told him, handing the stack of papers back towards him.

“Okay, that’s good.” He said, flipping through the last few pages. “This is all the legal papers for our company, if you feel the need to read through them you can. Like I said, I’ll send each of you a copy of these once they’re signed. Any questions?” Just as you were about to answer, your phone rang in your purse. You reached for it, eyes dusting over the screen with a shred of distaste at the sight. You flicked off the ringer, silencing the noise, and put it away again. “We can pause this if you need to take that?” Aaron said, watching you with a raised eyebrow. You shook your head, dismissing his offer.

“No, all good. Where do we sign?” You forced a smile onto your lips. Before jumping back to action, he gave you a chance to change your mind. After a moment of silence, he continued on.

“So there’s spots for you to sign on pages ten and fifteen, then one last one on 30.” He said, making sure he didn’t miss anything. Once he flipped though everything, he placed a pen on the paper and left it to you. You signed in all of the required spots, handing it down the line as you finished. Your phone was still vibrating in your purse, eating away at your patience with every re-dial of your number. As Riley finished up, he passed the documents back to Aaron with a smile. He checked over everything to make sure you didn’t miss anything, and ended his inspection with a smile. “That’s it for now, then. Congratulations and welcome aboard.” He extended his hand towards you all, taking turns shaking each of yours. “We have your contact information, so we’ll be in touch about flight times within the next few days. Now, it’s just a matter of getting to know each other.”

“Awesome,” Dylan grinned.

“Which is why I have supplied some beverages for the occasion!” Josh stood, turning to his fridge to retrieve the alcohol he had bought for everyone. “Get comfortable, get drunk, and celebrate.” He said, placing an array of items on the table.

“Thanks, Josh.” You chuckled, feeling your phone ringing once more. “I’ll be right back.” You announced, quickly placing your purse on the table and grabbing your phone. You stood, turning towards the front door. The rest of the crowd was already lost in chatter, barely noticing your quick disappearance.

You broke out into the night, accepting the incoming call as soon as the door was shut behind you. “Hello?”

“Hi, sweetheart.” The soft tone was infuriating despite your regret at feeling such an awful emotion at the greeting. “How are you?”

“Busy,” you kept your responses short, hoping to keep the conversation short, too. “You don’t have to call a millions times. I do know how to call back, you know.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” There was little sympathy in her voice.

“Whatever, it’s fine.” You sighed. “What’s going on? Haven’t heard from you in a while.”

“Yeah, that’s my fault. I’m sorry I haven’t been calling.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I could have called, too.” Your anger was subsiding the longer you spoke, which was never good. You wanted to tell them everything, all about why you couldn’t answer the phone. You wanted to hear words of praise, a shower of love for your accomplishments, but you knew it would only be momentary gain, and it would do nothing but cause more problems. The less your parents knew about your life, the easier it was to cope with them. “How’s dad?”

“Oh, the same. He got a promotion at work, so hopefully that will help us out.”

“Yeah, that’s good.” You mumbled, looking down at the dress decorating your body. You flattened out the fabric, unsure of what to say next.

“I was actually wondering if you could do us a favour,” her hopeful tone told you that her request would be nothing but upsetting to you.

“Mhm,” You mumbled, debating on hanging up before she’d could say anything else. You hated being so cold with her, but it had been twenty some agonizing years of constant disappointment. You had learned the feeling of being let down long before you ever felt what it was like to be loved. You loved your parents, and they had never laid a hand on you are anything of the sorts, but they were hardly parents. Present, yes. Caring, not really. They were always around, but had never been actively involved. Things had gotten infinitely better when you had moved out, but it was mostly because you didn’t have to see them every day.

“We were just wondering if you could help us out with the bills, just until your dad gets his next pay check. We’ll pay you back, honey. I promise.” You rolled your eyes at the offer of repayment, because you knew it was empty. You had yet to see a dime back that you had lent to them in the past.

“Is that the only reason you called?” You couldn’t help but snap, the sourness of your hurt impossible to hide.

“Of course not!” She defended, hurt that you even thought that. You nodded, unable to believe her defence.

“You said that last time. I haven’t heard from you since.” Your voice was quiet, barely breaking through the night. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.” You chuckled, feeling tears prickle your eyes and a lump rise in your throat. “Just text me how much you need.”

“Honey, are you upset? I don’t want you to think that we don’t want to talk to you. You know that’s not true. I wouldn’t ask if it weren’t important,” she explained, but you were already done with the conversation. “You know how much we love you.”

“Yeah, of course I do. It’s just always important, right? And you’re always so busy… you know, I’m just… a little tied up right now. Just text me how much, I’ll send it.”

“Okay,” she said, hesitant to hang up. “I love you.”

“Yeah, I love you, too.” You said, ending the call without another word. You didn’t have time to mourn the loss of respect, because as you were attempting to blink away the tears, the door was creaking closed behind you. You looked back over your shoulder, immediately caught off guard by the overwhelming scent of sandalwood and sin. Sin, although not outwardly apparent, was always laced within that dreaded familiarity of sandalwood, and usually whiskey, too. It was sickening, but delicious all the same. Your eyes fluttered closed; his presence already wrapping around you in desperate anticipation for an invitation.

You had no words, nothing that you wanted to share or hear from him, either. Comfort was an alluring feeling, but you did not have enough strength to ask him for it. Perhaps it was fear that he overheard the conversation, or fear that he wouldn’t understand. There was plenty of uncertainties about the situation, and you had no idea how to navigate through them. Jake was lovely, fantastic in bed and enchanting with his wits, but you had yet to jump over the hurdle of vulnerability to any extent, and this was vulnerability like no other. Family was an off topic issue for everyone, let alone someone you knew so intimately. Any normal person would feel more comfortable telling someone so close, but it terrified you. In your mind, it just gave him more leverage to hurt you.

“I’d love to ask what’s wrong, but I’m scared you would think I’m overstepping.” His soft tone settled in your chest like a breath of fresh air. It was grounding, anchoring you securely to the wooden floor below you.

“You know I hate that question.” You whispered, finally catching his eye. As soon as you noticed the worry, you looked away. His concern was apparent, and it made you want to run and hide.

“I know, sweetheart.” He took a step towards you, hand settling on your lower back. “But you know I can’t walk away without asking.”

“Damn you.” You laughed, biting back tears. “You catch any of the conversation?”

“No, not really.” His hand slipped around to your hip, guiding you back towards him with a gentle pull. He knew you didn’t want to face him, and that was okay. He was content with just talking. “You didn’t look too happy when you came out here, so I thought I’d check on you.”

“Is that the truth?” You asked, blinking away the tears that were still pooling in your eyes.

“And I wanted to tell you how good you look in that dress.”

“There it is.” You laughed, but your predicament was everything except funny. You were so intertwined with both brothers that you sometimes failed to know which direction you were moving in. At the same time, you had never felt more alone. It was a horrible feeling, knowing that your body was never without love, but your heart was isolated. The issue was your own fault, though, and you knew that all too well. The two boys had never withheld any emotional love. Maybe they had forgone their own confessions in fear of hurt, but they never limited you to physical intimacy. You could tell both of them anything your heart desired, and they would listen as if you were telling them the hidden secrets of the universe. For some reason, you just couldn’t choke down the thought of showing weakness.

“You look too pretty to be so sad, Gold Dust Woman.” He hummed, placing a kiss on the top of your head.

“Can’t be pretty and sad at the same time?”

“I’d prefer you to be pretty and happy.” He refused to drop the subject, unable to leave you feeling such a way without offering some type of support. “Talk to me.” You looked out into the night, your gaze drifting over empty cars and over-manicured lawns. Rows of flowers decorated dooryards, showcasing superficialities. Perfect displays always eluded to secrets behind closed doors. You thought of your own front door, pondering how many people theorized the secrets that lie behind yours.

Whatever they could conjure in their minds certainly wouldn’t be as bad as the truth; lies of a broken little girl who could never learn let go, one who allowed herself to hurt over the same mistakes she’d been making her whole life and couldn’t work to change, nor one who fell helplessly in love with two brothers at the same time whilst having no idea how to truly love someone. Perhaps their idea of a broken home and hidden truths was much more subtle than the life you were living. Maybe you would rather be in the shoes of some other person behind the corporatized front lawns if it were all to be discovered. Maybe yours was far nicer than anyone else’s, and you were destined to spend your whole life wishing for better while holding the world in your hands.

Either way, the thought held little weight; it was human nature to be envious of a life you couldn’t live, especially when someone else’s grass appeared abundant and greener, even if it did run rotten underneath.

“Sometimes I wonder if the woman I used to be disappeared.” You mumbled. “Or what she would think of me now.”

“What do you mean?” He questioned, begging you to keep talking.

“I came out here with so much hope.” You explained, your head tilting towards the sky to search for the stars lost under light pollution. “Hope to change, to grow into something bigger than I always pictured for myself.” Even though it was nothing short of normal, his hand dancing in your own felt wrong. After such a sweet evening with Sam, you thought that his comfort was the only thing you should be seeking. But, he didn’t come to the door, and his brother had ultimately stolen the crown from him. “Hope that I would never be that person again. When I got to this city, change was the only option.”

“Did you change?”

“Yeah,” you scoffed, the response automatic. After a moment, you looked back to the ground. “No,” you corrected, a sad smile crossing your lips. “Not in any way that matters, and not really in any way that’s good.” He opted not to respond, hoping that you would continue with your point. “I don’t know who I am, Jake. I don’t know what I’m doing, where I’m going. Nothing.”

“I know, though.” He whispered, his grip tightening only slightly as he spoke. “I don’t think we ever have a real perception of ourselves. It changes, and we don’t see what everybody else does. But I see a person who would rather die than hurt someone, a person who loves to love, but doesn’t necessarily know how to be loved. Someone who helps any chance she gets, but hates to be helped.” He listed, his words soft and his eyes staring off into the night. He was scared if he looked down at you, he might make the dreaded profession of love. Instead of saying it directly, he opted to tell you that he loved you in a million ways softer than such a harsh truth. “I see you, Gold Dust Woman, and she is fantastic. I think every version of your past self would be proud of you. I know for sure that I am.”

Your jaw clenched and your vision blurred with more tears. You felt like you were suffocating from the wave of emotion that washed over you. How easy it would be to tell him you loved him, too. How easy it would be to end the war and go home to rest. It was wrong, all of it. His hands on you, the cold night enveloping you both into a bubble of serenity, the incessant need to tell him just how much you cared for him. It was never supposed to be this way, and it never should have been. You had no idea how to tell him that you were losing yourself because you loved him so much. Sam, too. The person you had become, stringing them along and playing into their twisted game, was someone you didn’t recognize. Someone who was worse than a stranger when you looked in the mirror; you had become so lost that you weren’t even in the same reality.

It hurt so violently because even though you loved him so dearly, you knew you were going to fall into bed with Sam that same night, even after such a raw moment of connection. Not only would you fall into bed with him, but you would love him just the same. If it were possible to hate yourself even more, you did just that.

You broke from his hold, gripping the wooden rail on the porch for support. The touch and sweetness of his words was suddenly too much. You couldn’t comprehend deserving any part of Jake, and the thought of accepting his heart with that knowledge was repulsive. You took a long breath, shaky from your choked back cries. “Jacob, you are so wonderful that it is devastating.” You heaved a sigh as the words left your lips. You finally turned to look at him, your pain painted across your face like a portrait from hell. He could see it in your eyes, everything you were holding back. You could see it in him, too. You wanted to hold him, to reach out and let him feel the adoration radiating from your skin, but you didn’t. Like a fool, you did the only thing you knew how to do; walk away. “But I think your view of me is far grander than it ever should have been.” You wiped the tears that had fallen and took a step forward. Instinctively, he reached his hand out to you, shaking with misplaced hope for you to give in to him. “I don’t need your help, Jake. I appreciate the thought, but it’s not necessary.” You caught his eyes, a silent apology before brushing past him and back into the house.

Your parents had done what they do best; morphed your sense of self so badly that it destroyed your self-worth. You loved Jake so much that it hurt you, but thanks to a mothers love, you felt completely unworthy of the everything he wanted to give back to you. You couldn’t communicate it with him enough to lessen the blow, and the thought of opening up to him about it was sickening. Running was the only thing you had ever been taught how to do, and you weren’t strong enough to learn how to stay.

He turned, watching you disappear into the doorway with his heart in his hands, beating for someone who didn’t know how to accept it. He waited for a moment, hoping you would change your mind. When you didn’t return, he began his journey home to stitch up his wounds with intent to try again tomorrow.

Self-punishment was a skill the three of you had quickly learned how to master, and you practiced it almost every day.

Inside, drinks were freely flowing and the air was abundant with happiness and excitement. Your bandmates had found themselves in comfortable chatter with the now familiar faces of the boys. Danny was desperate to relate to another drummer, quickly buring himself in the blonde. Riley had taken an interest in Josh and Aaron’s conversation, the three sharing words and a beer at the table. Upon entry, you searched for the only thing that you thought would make you feel better. Fortunately for you, he was already looking at you. He stood from his chair, immediately making a move towards you. He could see the sadness enveloping you, like a cloud of darkness looming over your head. He’d never seen such an emotion from you, and he was just as desperate as Jake to make it go away.

Of course, he was the first to notice Jake’s interest in your disappearance, and he was a second too late for the race to the door. He pulled you to the side, away from the crowd again. Seclusion with you was a temptation neither of the boys could resist, and they fell victim to the need every time they saw you. Before he had a chance to speak, you had already reached for his neck, pulling him down to meet you in a heated kiss. In response, his hands fell on your hips and drew you closer to him. The feeling brought another wave of tears to your eyes, but you held them back in hopes that you could salvage some semblance of peace. The guilt you felt for rejecting Jake was killing you, and the guilt of turning to Sam was already shovelling dirt in the grave while you continued to breathe it in.

You didn’t know what the problem was, why you were so volatile at the thought of vulnerability with Jake, when sometimes it seemed so easy to be that way with Sam. Jake had done exactly what he intended; he stalemated you into lust. He knew you were already in love with Sam, long before the idea of him even crossed your mind, so he needed a head start. In doing so, he had made the barrier of emotion so much harder to overcome. You loved Jake, but you had no idea how to express it. You loved Sam, but you already spent the last few months expressing it in any way you knew how. Jake was so desperate to keep you that he jumped to the fastest solution he could think of, and it had done nothing but hurt him in the long run. Sex with him was so normalized that it came so much easier than communicating. Sam barely had to exist for you to want to profess your feelings for him, because he had gotten you to fall in love with him with no intimacy at all.

The strife was impossible to overcome. You saw no way out, and understood that you would likely die trying. You were lost, not only in your sense of self, but in the whole grand scheme of things. You were tired, and you wanted to rest. Your idea of rest was home, and home was not a place anymore. It was a person. Well, two people to be exact. The thought of spending the night with Jake was comforting, yes, but you knew you could not do so without facing the uncomfortable reality of being intimate in a way much harder than sexual intimacy. The idea of being with Sam was more alluring than a bed of roses, and you needed it more desperately than water. It was easy with him, and it always had been. No complications of guilt nor regret. Sometimes, if you didn’t think too hard about it, you felt it in your soul that the right path lead straight into his arms.

“Take me home.” You whispered, your noses brushing together in a familiar dance. Your lungs were burning with a lingering feeling of regret for how you left Jake, burning with an anger towards yourself that you could barely comprehend. Sam felt so good on your skin that it was a pleasure to burn in exchange for a moment with him.

“I was hoping you would ask.” He hummed, placing another kiss to your lips. It was sweet, a show of appreciation for returning to him even after the temptation of his brother. You both slipped your shoes on and shut the door behind you as quiet as possible, hoping not to alert the rest of the crowd of your exit. Hand in hand, you both sprinted to his car, the feeling of sadness floating away after only a few moments with Sam. He opened the car door for you, gently shutting it as soon as you were nestled in the seat. He joined you in the vehicle, but did not put the keys in the ignition right away. “Did you want to talk about it?”

You looked over at him through the corner of your eye, biting the inside of your lip as you pondered his words. “I don’t know where to start.” You said, completely honest with your answer. You had no idea where to begin, or even if you wanted to. There was so much buried within you that talking was almost impossible, now. Although scared, you had less apprehension about sharing your thoughts with Sam than you did with Jake, and that in itself made you feel horrible.

“I’ll drive, you’ll talk.” He said, turning the car on. “I won’t even say a word if you don’t want me to.” The comfort of airing out your troubles with no judgment or unsolicited advice was irrefutable. You quickly realized that the offsetting factor was not your closeness with either boy, it was simply the fact that Sam just wanted to listen, and Jake felt like he needed to fix it for you. It had always been that way, even long ago when you were only friends. You could go to Sam with a problem and he would listen for hours, and talk only when you needed him to. If you approached Jake with any concerns, he would bend over backwards to help in any way he could. Both were good options, but each had a specific purpose, and right now, you just needed to be heard. Suddenly, the decision to speak was the easiest one you had ever made.

“It’s just my parents.” You stated, looking towards your hands in your lap. Sam couldn’t help but look over to you in shock at the sudden proclamation. Parents were an off topic conversation, and they were all aware of that. It was years of avoided discussion about any sort of parental figures, no mentions of visits home or family gatherings. Nothing even as small as a childhood memory.

“Parents?” He asked, cautiously approaching the conversation. He refrained from any more comments, waiting for you to respond.

“Yep.” You sighed, glancing out of the window at the flickering street lights. “They still suck. Always have, don’t know why I thought they would change.” Instead of saying anything, he reached over and slipped his hand into yours. The silent show of support was louder than any words of comfort. “When I moved here, I swore that I would never go back to that life, that I’d leave them behind, too. Guess I was just trying to start over, but it wasn’t enough. Sometimes I feel like I could keep running for my whole life and I would never get away.”

“What were you trying to get away from?”

“Someone I don’t want to be anymore. Someone I never wanted to be.” You shrugged. “I saw what my parents went through when I was a kid. I never wanted it for myself, so I had to leave. If I stayed, I know I would have followed right in their footsteps. We were poor, like the kind where you would go to bed before dinner just so you wouldn’t be hungry. We wore clothes until they were barely wearable, falling apart and disintegrating on the rare occasion we could afford to wash them. I remember getting the power cut off in the wintertime almost every year. I never had friends over, I never participated in school events because we couldn’t afford the extra gas to drive me home afterwards. It got better when I was older, mostly because Dad got a new job when I started high school, but it was never great and when I was old enough, I got the hell out of there.”

“Struggling would have been tolerable, I think, if they were good parents. Unfortunately, they couldn’t even do that. I’ve been paying their bills since I was old enough to get a job, and they were never very loving or appreciative. I never hear that they’re proud of me, and they usually only say I love you if they want something from me. I didn’t have anyone to love me through the most painful parts of life, so after a while I kind of figured that I would never need to rely on anyone for anything. For the most part, I don’t. I don’t like talking about feelings, or saying I love you, or even connecting with anyone on more than the surface level stuff, but I hate being alone. It sucks, always feeling like I can’t depend on anyone, but needing company to function.” You took a long breath, exhaling with more relief than you had ever felt. It only took a moment to realize how profound it was to finally get that off your chest. “When I left, I swore I’d leave them behind and never let them get under my skin again. For the first while, I did okay. I paid off all the debt they racked up in my name and cleared my credit. I worked my ass off to get what I have now, and I did fantastic. Then one night I got drunk, and I answered the phone. I haven’t been able to cut them off again, and it takes a toll after a while, you know?”

“No, I don’t know, but I can understand why.” You looked up to him, eyes wide and full of wonder. He had forgone sympathy, and that was one thing you hated most. He had no idea what it was like to live your life, and he wasn’t shy to admit it.

“Yeah,” you whispered, admiring him as he focused his attention on the road. “I mean, I’ll be fine in the morning. Always am. It just sucks that I don’t even feel like I can tell them about my achievements. I didn’t even want to tell them about tonight, because they would just find a way to use it for their own sake. It sucks that I can’t trust my own parents.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, glancing over at you. “They’re supposed to be the ones who protect you, not hurt you.” He opted to keep his response light, because the feeling in his chest was not as pleasant, and he didn’t feel like it was his place to voice his distaste for your parents actions. Knowing that anyone hurt you was painful to him, because you were his whole world. Knowing that you grew up feeling unloved was hard to understand, because he had no idea how not to love you. Knowing that you still felt that way sometimes, even if you wouldn’t admit it, was excruciating, because he loved you more than he could ever possibly comprehend.

“Yeah,” you reiterated the same response you had both already said, not having anything better to say. “Because of them, I feel like I don’t know how to love, or be loved. I hate letting people in, and I don’t even really know how to. I have this crippling fear of being dependent on anyone, and I’m also terrified of being alone. So independent that people don’t even want to try and get close to me, but so scared that I’ll end up sad and lonely. Pretty ironic, right?” You laughed to yourself. “I’m all kinds of fucked up, and I’d like to blame it on them, but I haven’t really tried to change, either.” You chuckled. “I was always hungry for love, and I’ve craved attention for as long as I can remember. After years of waiting for it, I refuse to humiliate myself any longer, especially for their attention. I think one day you just wake up and realize that if your parents haven’t loved you yet, they never will.” He looked over at you, his eyes sad and showing you everything he wished he could say. You gave him a soft smile, but spoke before he could respond. “Anyway, it really doesn’t matter. It’s just the way things are. Thank you for listening. I don’t really… talk about that stuff. Nice to say it out loud, I guess.”

“Always, princess.” He gave your hand a squeeze to show he was being genuine. Your heart fluttered at the sound of the pet name, distracting you from the topic at hand. “And for the record, I don’t think you’re fucked up. Hurt, maybe, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, beautiful. You don’t have to apologize, and you don’t have to hope to be loved, anymore.” His words were quiet, and although he wanted to elaborate, he knew he shouldn’t. He pulled into his driveway, looking to you as he parked the car. When his eyes connected with yours, you felt the weight of the world crushing you. You had no idea how it was possible to love two people so deeply in such similar ways.

Jake was the moon, and Sam was the sun. You weren’t supposed to love the moon, rather sleep soundly through the night while the torment of white light passed through the sky. You were supposed to bid the moon a goodnight and wake when it was gone, forgetting that it existed amidst the business of your day. You were meant to love the sun, let the warm rays wrap around you and guide you through from the early hours of the morning until you were tucked safely into blankets and pillows. The golden glow was natural, something you were supposed to yearn for, and you did. For a very long time you were someone who loved the day, and you still did, but the more time passed, the more you found solace within the darkness under the rays of the pale moonlight. It was natural to love Sam, expected almost, and that was why you weren’t struggling with the idea. Your love for Jake came from somewhere within you that you never knew existed. Each day that passed, you fell more in love with the peace that came with the night, even if you were exhausted in the morning when you awoke.

The thought of choice was excruciating; how could you ever face the decision of never seeing the solace of the moon again, or never feeling the warm invitation of the sun?

Then again, how could you choose the moon when it was so natural to love the sun? Love was supposed to be easy, a simplicity beyond what you would expect. Never room for doubt, or guilt, and fulfilling beyond understanding. You felt all of that with Sam, and you felt it so strongly that it was unbearable by times. It was painful to love Jake, sometimes, like a desire that you should keep locked up in a closet. The twisted nature of the beginning of your relationship was not only complex, but sinful. You learned to love Jake’s body before his soul, and a part of you felt wrong for doing so. It wasn’t a purity thing, but a personal moral obligation that you had thrown out the window. Guilt was the first emotion you felt with Jake after lust, and you had doubts that a relationship could work with a foundation so rotten.

At the same time, Jake loved you so differently than anyone ever had. So profound and beautiful, without any worry for anyone else. He chose to love you while knowing he was at the greatest risk for loss, and was happy just to have the chance. He was quiet, thoughtful and impactful with every move he made. You felt horrible for feeling doubt about him.

You were at a loss, and it seemed as though your tirade for justice was long overdue for its demise. The longer you continued on the path, the harder the choice became.

“What are we doing, Sam?” You asked, your grip on his hand going lax. The pain in your voice was so heavy that it was weighing him down, too.

“What do you mean?” He asked, but he didn’t have to.

“This isn’t how it should be.” You felt your lip quiver. “I don’t know how to stop whatever we’re doing.”

“Do you know what you want?” He asked, fearful that your answer would be far too hard for him to hear.

“No,” your voice cracked, the small sound deafening in the otherwise silent air. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to know.”

“We can stop,” he offered “back off for a little while, give you some space.” As the words left his mouth, you both knew that was the most gut-wrenching idea of all.

“No,” you shook your head.

“You’ll know when you know, baby.” He said, reaching up to bring your chin between his fingers. He raised your head so you would meet his eyes. “I just know that I’m going to enjoy you for as long as I possibly can.” He smiled. You reached over, cupping his cheek in your hand, and pulled him into a kiss. It was heated, the emotion from the night intense and the feeling of each other was overwhelming. You hand fell to his shoulder, grabbing the fabric of his jacket to pull him closer to you.

Although it may not have been right, you opted to enjoy him for the time being, too. Of all the lessons you had learned in your time spent with the two boys, the biggest was how to live in the moment, rather than your fear. You used your other hand to search for the buckle of the seatbelt, popping it off so you could move closer to him. “Come here,” he mumbled against your lips, unbuckling his belt, too. He parted from you for a moment to reach down and adjust his seat as far back as it could go. He lowered the top half just a little bit, and reached over to you. With his hands on your hips, he aided you in climbing over the middle console and into his lap. You settled your legs on either side of him, looking down at him in all of his beauty. He was rested against the seat, hands decorating your hips. “Kiss me.” He grinned, the demand light. “Please.”

You leaned down, capturing him in an obscene display of desperation. One hand was holding his face while the other was anchored on his shoulder, keeping you upright. You couldn’t stop yourself from grinding against him, the heat of the moment getting the best of you. Something about the raw emotion of the night had turned you primal in an instant. You were uncaring of any consequence, and no longer felt sad about your past life, because the one you were living now allowed you to exist in the same place as Sam, your lives intertwined in the most beautiful way, even if it was painful by times.

He let out a groan produced from somewhere deep in his chest. His fingers burned into you, pulling you into the void of temptation even further. When you drew back, his eyes were half-lidded with lust and his face was hiding no emotion. “Here?” He asked, but his tone was not condescending; he was curious at the thought, excited even.

“Yeah,” you nodded. “I just want you, Sammy. I need you.” You breathed, desperation evident in your eyes. The statement was heavy, one that he couldn’t resist. To hear you say such sweet words was almost too much for him to handle. He knew he could live off the sound of your voice forever, especially when you professed such a desire for him. It satisfied every need and quickly became one of its own, and from the first time he heard you sing his name, he knew it would always be the most dire of them all.

“Fuck,” he hissed, his eyes fluttering closed as his head fell back on the seat. “I can never say no to you, Princess.” He muttered, snaking his hands to your thigh and slipping them under the skirt of your dress. You lifted your hips, allowing him to bunch the fabric around your waist. “Especially when you say it like that.”

You continued foolishly, as if you still believed you had full control of your heart and mind, like loving Sam was a conscious choice, rather than a crucial part of survival. The fact that you had let him in, given him access to the history you solely held for so long, given him a power so great and bridged the gap of trust so easily was not something you took lightly. In fact, it was something you had ever done with another. He could see through you, straight into your soul and down to the very things that made you, you. You had done it with no fear, and without the hesitancy you felt with his brother. It was a major stepping stone in the process of love and healing, and you had given him a key that allowed access straight to the source. Even though you despised the thought of someone knowing such things about you, you wanted Sam to know it. You wanted him to know everything, and that was the hardest pill to swallow. You loved him enough to let him see all of you, all of parts infinitely more intimate than anything that could happen in the bedroom, and you solidified the bond further by sealing it with the connection of sex. In a single night, he had experienced more of you than anyone in the entire world had in your whole life.

You were still fearful of commitment, but the storm of love was getting closer, and you feared that you would get stuck, that you would drift away and die within it. Love had never been so easy until Sam and Jake appeared, and it you were certain that it would never be that easy to fall for anyone else, ever again. You were estranged from your former self, in many more ways than one. As Sam pulled the top of your dress down, you barely recognized the woman you had become. When he unbuckled his belt and freed himself from the constricting denim, you didn’t really care who you were anymore; being touched by Sam was so euphoric that it completely filled the void of your lost sense of self.

His thumb brushed over your hardened nipple, sending a jolt of electricity through you. The windows were already fogged with the telltale signs of sin, the desperation so loud that it was barely contained within the vehicle. He pulled your underwear to the side, both of you too eager to wait any longer, then used one hand to guide you down on him. You both let out a sigh of relief at the feeling. He brought his other hand to the back of your neck, bringing you down to meet his mouth. The kiss motivated you to move, rolling your hips as best you could in the limited space. He used his hand to heighten the force in which you were moving, causing you to let out a gasp against his lips. The position was awkward, everything but private, and very adolescent for two grown adults, but it was perfect; heavenly, even. Any interaction with Sam was phenomenal, no matter how minuscule. You wanted to live in the feeling of him forever.

A flash of headlights on the street behind you caused you to break from the kiss, looking out the back window with a fear that it was someone else driving into the driveway. As soon as the disturbance appeared, the car passed and the headlights fizzled away into the night again in an instant. Even so, you became hyper aware of the vulgar display the two of you had found yourselves in, how easy it would be to be seen, even in the darkness of the evening. “What if we get caught?” Even in your apprehension, you couldn’t stop yourself. Your hips continued on, your skin prickled with goosebumps at the pleasure coursing through your body. Getting caught was a risk you were willing to take for feeling so good.

“Then you put on a good show for them, baby.” He muttered, too lost within you to care. You let out a groan, his words serving no comfort but settling in the pit of your stomach like lead. You sat up a little further, allowing him the full view of your body. He drank up every detail with no drop to spare. Every time he was lucky enough to see you in such a state, he had to bargain with himself to believe it was true; he thought you were so fantastic that sometimes he struggled with the idea that such a perfect person could exist outside of a dream. You let your head fall back, vulgar noises falling from your lips and filling the heavy air within the vehicle. “That’s it, just like that baby.” He cursed under his breath as he finished his praise, near an orgasm just from the sound of you alone.

“Fuck, Sam.” You hissed, placing a palm to his shoulder to keep yourself steady. “You feel so fucking good.”

“Yeah?” He crooned, reaching his hand between your legs. You leaned back a bit further, allowing him easier access to you. His fingers found your clit, circling slowly in attempt to continue driving you to insanity. He was devilishly good at the craft; you felt like you hadn’t had one sane thought since the minute you laid eyes on him. “Tell me how good it feels, Princess. I want to hear all of those filthy fucking noises.” He growled, the words lingering in the air like an obscene decoration. You weren’t shy in giving him what he wanted; it wasn’t like he had to do much to make you oblige, anyway. The thought of denying Sam of any wish was painful in itself.

You let out a slur of curses, eyes squeezed shut in anticipation for an orgasm. Your muscles were tense, the pressure in your belly was almost unbearable before he added his fingers to you, and now you were manic for a release. “You fill me up s’good, baby. Never want to stop.” You whined, fingers gripping him tighter as your heart pounded against your chest.

“Never?” He teased, pupils clouded with lust. He was greatly affected by your words, even more so by your state, but he wasn’t keen on letting you know that. In fact, he was embarrassed by times about how much of an impact you had on him. If only he knew how similarly you felt, his shame would be obsolete.

“Never,” you reiterated, your tone raw and filled with longing.

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful.” He whispered, the glimmer in his eye telling you all you needed to know about what he really wanted to say. “I wish I could keep you like this forever.” His words were uttered more to himself than you, but you heard them, and they settled deep in your bones with a fervent aggression. It was stronger than an admission of love, and it was his way of saying it without scaring you away. He thought if he could lessen the blow by coating it with sexual implication, he could get away with saying all of the sweet words he so badly wanted to share with you.

You caught his gaze, both of you caught in limbo with your own hearts, unsure of where to go from there. Your hips were moving, both of your chests heaving for breath, but in that moment, you were locked in a comatose state with your minds. The knowledge that stopping was the safest option, but realizing that without each other, you would fade into nothing. From day one, Sam gave you a spark of life you had been chasing since you learned how to stand on two feet. In him, you saw a life full of laughter, one where you could fall hard but know there was a soft cushion below to protect. He was home, and every aspect of him had been more welcoming than anything you had felt before. Your fears were next to nothing when you imagined him beside you for the rest of your life, because you would be so full of love that there would be no room for pain.

It was there, dancing on the tip of your tongue. The word was knotted around his throat, searing into the skin in black charred letters. It was thick in the air, present in every exhale and filling your lungs when you inhaled. It was written in the fog on the windows, and all but stamped across your chests in bold red. The world was screaming at you to say it, to break through the walls and grow up, admit to what you both feared the most. You were both irrevocably in love with each other, just like you had been before your skin ever had the chance to touch. You worshipped the ground Sam walked on, just the same as you did for the entire time you had known him.

Even with your distorted and misguided views of love, you knew that you felt it for him, in any and every way you knew how to do it. You were playing with fire, your skin long burnt into ash before the earth shattering reality hit you. There was no lesson to teach that would be greater than the hurt of your own once the flames burnt out. You were your own martyr, sacrificing yourself for a purpose that had always been far beyond your control. Instead of teaching, you were killing not only yourself, but whoever dared to follow in the path you were taking.

You could blame your parents for the hurt, or anyone who ever spoke an ill word about you, or even the ones who looked at you with any contempt at all. You could point fingers, scream until your throat was raw and there was no more words to utter, blame until your foot was in the grave; in your years leading up to that moment, that’s exactly what you had done. Now, the finger could only be pointed at the mirror, and you would be choking while you were cursing your own name. You were about to face the biggest hurt you had ever experienced, and it was nobody’s fault but your own.

But your hips moved, and your eyes locked on him as if he were prey below you. You did not stop, not even while knowing that you were sucking the life from him as you did so. Not even after realizing that you could never recover from the love of a single Kiszka, let alone two of them. This was a match that not even the Devil could take credit for, because it was for more sinister than anything that his hands touched. Sadism accusations and hellish rhetoric had come to an end, because the devil horns did not belong on Jakes head, nor his brothers. It was you who took the crown, and the pillar of innocence was destroyed. If you were half the person you wished to be, you would walk away and never look back.

But your hips continued, and Sam’s fingers danced over your clit, steady in their movement and cemented by reality. He could not stop even if he wanted to, and neither could you. You were too far gone for salvation, and it did not matter who the villain was; evil resided within all three of you, and victim, too.

“Sam, I’m gonna cum.” You moaned, eyes still locked with his.

“Please, baby.” He pleaded, needing it as if it were an antidote to the poison you had been injecting directly in his veins. He opened his mouth as if he wanted to speak again, but lost himself in the wave of euphoria that was crashing over him. The orgasm was creeping on you both, but it was nowhere near as powerful as the raw connection between the two of you. He felt like you were staring into his soul as you looked down at him, like you could read the thoughts that would explain exactly how much he felt for you. In a way, you could, but so could he. You were both caught in the twisted game of loving selflessly, but selfishly all at once. “That’s it, sweet girl.” He hummed, watching your face contort into a show of pleasure.

He felt you tense around him, and he pulled you down into a kiss. The climax struck you stronger than you could withstand. You were rigid, but exhausted just from the energy it took to keep yourself upright. Every curse and moan slipped into his mouth, his face only millimetres away from yours. As much as he loved to see you in such a mess for him, it was a million times better to feel it, and that’s exactly what he did. As you descended from the depths of your orgasm, he reached his own. His fingers branded your skin with the intensity of his grip as he spilled his release into you, and he let out his own jumble of curses. When the storm passed, you both let out a sigh of relief, but the moment still weighed heavily on you both.

The windows were clouded with fog, both of you sweaty and in disarray. Every surface of the vehicle was covered in smoke from the fire that was still burning within you both, seeping into the cracks to bury the memory within the material forever. Your noses were touching, foreheads rested together as neither of you had the energy to pull away. It wasn’t like you had the power to part, anyway. Whatever earthly forces that drew you to him were stronger than they had ever been, and you wanted to exist within his hold for eternity. There was not a coherent thought that existed within either of your brains, and you were trying not to succumb to the sleepiness that was calling your name. You were exhausted from the emotions of the night and the intensity of the connection you were feeling with him.

Wordlessly, he helped you off of him and moved your underwear back into place. You were both ready for the comfort of a mattress, and the serenity of each others arms. As you walked to the front door together, hand in hand, you wondered if the game of cat and mouse would ever come to an end. You looked up at him, his face illuminated by the dim porch light, and you wished you could tell him exactly how you felt. You prayed for a moment of clarity so you could push past the cloud of terror and accept vulnerability, just for long enough to say that you cared so much for him. It would be a waste of a lifetime if you walked away from him without him ever knowing how important he was.

It seemed like it was written in the stars for you to follow blindly after Sam, believing he had the power, while he followed after you for the same reason. You were destined to run in circles until you collapsed under your own weight, never discovering the truth because you were both too afraid to ask. Falling in love with Sam was easy, but loving him was nowhere near as simple as you previously thought it to be. Every time you thought a decision was creeping into fruition, you realized you were just stuck on a stone with a mountain yet to come.

Follow those who pale in your shadow

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