#as for me. well. i'm here aren't i
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oh fuck the hyperfixation is starting to become politics
#no please i don't want to go down this rabbit hole#desperately clinging to my other recurring hyperfixations to stop myself from learning about stuff that's just gonna seriously piss me off#i'm too busy to do this rn#my schedule is full there is no time for learning about the nightmare of us government#it does not help that i'm taking my required federal gov class rn#also just wanted to say i made a typo and said feral gov hehe#my family does not like talking about politics 😭#my dad is ultra conservative and my mom is liberal leaning but does not engage with any political talk#my older brother grew up in olympia washington so. he's far left#my little brother i truly have no idea#i know my mom and i raised him to respect women at least lol#but he's a good boy i think he's probably somewhat moderate#i mean growing up in a texas metroplex introduces you to all types of people#as for me. well. i'm here aren't i#if you're still reading this you're nosyyyy lol#idk why i gave the rundown of my family's political views but now you know i guess#anyways i'm kind of going crazy because i need to know more about this shitshow of an election#and every time i learn something new i'm so mad 😭#idk why but politics is all just so silly to me. like why are we doing all this it fucking sucks#and i know why they do it and it just pisses me offffff#endless cycle of anger here for no reason bro#my fantasy is to live so far away from any other people that politics don't even fucking matter#ok i'm done now lol
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the easy grip on the knife. the leg over the seat. the hand over the other seat. the sassy "come get it" move. you know the bitch is smiling behind that mask even as he said the line.
#i can't believe i'm saying this#DEADPOOL CAN GET IT#Logan I'm sobbing I understand why you lunged at him#I would too bestie#it's the sass for me folks#paint that car white as much as they painted it red my god#a deadpool thirst post? from me? more likely than you'd think#this is a branch in realities i know it#i've never had Feelings for this motherfucker until this movie#all i'm left with is anger now because WHAT DOES HE WANT FROM ME#camera crew could have just made it landscape but noooooo they had to do a medium shot of this son of a bitch#i'm sending an especially affectionate fuck you in ryan reynolds' direction#i love how you love deadpool#deadpool#wolverine#deadpool and wolverine#wade wilson#logan howlett#poolverine#deadclaws#don't get me wrong i've always adored deadpool's personality. nobody's that hilarious and not have humongous balls i mean trauma.#but i've never went 'why he kinda' until this specific shot right here#@ camera crew why the fuck did you zoom in? WHY?#for me? well it's infuriating#do it again#gif is credit to the owner#30 tags aren't enough for me to dismantle how this shot made me feel. tumblr you gotta update#damn tumblr i'm tryna feed a village here#guys just find my other post
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wanna preface this by saying that i am. So normal. anyway i just spent the last week redrawing scenes from mystery skulls animated but as that hermitcraft au i posted about a couple times. you guys should watch msa it is. so so good.
#my art#hermitcraft#mystery skulls animated#geminitay#geminitay fanart#ethoslab#ethoslab fanart#falsesymmetry#falsesymmetry fanart#ignore the fact that etho's hair changes literally every drawing#poses + expressions are traced a bit; and backgrounds aren't mine(well; except for the second one; which you can prolly tell;; sksnsks)#and also (with the help of sap bc i'm bad at color theory) edited the truck bg colors a bit#but even so;; i am!! very very happy with how these turned out#mystery skulls animated spoilers#<- honestly that's mainly for the murder mystery one#granted anyone who hasn't seen the future at this point prolly won't have that tag filtered#etho's murder mystery form(no i don't have a name for it)'s collar tag is a mix between a mable leaf and a vex!#cuz reverb is cub in this au#hence all the blue and stuff;; skdhkdnkd#you'd think that last pic would have been the hardest for me to draw; with how complicated etho's design is#but surprisingly; it doesn't even place top three in terms of how long it took to draw#no; instead it was that Fucking. Truck.#WHY did that take me eight and a half hours#the second longest was only five!!!#the others barely even top 4!#also#WHY are the deadbeats(which are mini tillies here) so deceptively hard to draw#every time i struggle with them orz#anyway. images 3; 6; 7; and 8 are my favs <3#if false and/or pearl see this. o/ hoi
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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc
#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#batman#batfamily#for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them#btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done#has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something#like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more#three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale#so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get#hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas#where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing#for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good#it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character#I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay#tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT#of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave#and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim#is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR
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A Blorbo You Treat Nicely, Right?
#non mdzs#ask#I've seen what people do to tumblr blorbos. I cant go back in the horse plinko again...please my bones aren't strong enough#I'm made of a gelatin like substance. Very Flammable. Terrible for plinko. Ill just bounce around and wail miserably.#You cannot fool my by putting 'horse' on the box. Yeah It made me curious and wander over here. Yeah I wanna see the horses.#Oh they're in the plinko? Oh well then-#jokes aside I am very touched to have reached silly blorbo status. I hope to keep bringing you joy!#I am simply just having fun and I'm glad people enjoy my little jester dances!#Yeah one of these asks is from June...I'm slowly eating away at the backlog....I promise....#theres so many sweet and funny asks I want to properly draw for...I promise I read them all and go -> B*)
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Bro I hate fundamentalists and culturally-fundie parents they'll say shit like "spare the rod spoil the child am I right haha yea my parents used to have to beat my ass with a switch almost everyday but I sure did learn my lesson" but like??? no you didn't??? you were hit multiple times for something you very obviously did not, in fact, learn
Like studies about how harmful even lightly spanking children is aside, you're literally contradicting yourself?? Some even admitted they got worse as they got older cause they wanted to see how far they could push their parents before they got punished
And studies not aside, you're gonna get child raising advice from the same book that tells you to stone your wife if her hymen doesn't break on your wedding night instead of the decades of research we have now?? Just say you're a bad parent and move on my guy. Skill issue
#bro I had a coworker go 'unpopular opinion I think some kids really do need beatings' and I'm like????#unprompted???? what's going on there????#well anyways I ended up going 'yea so I plan on specializing in play therapy with autistic children so I've been learning about talking#to children and the ways their parents and environment affects them'#and they're like hmmm but beating this kid with a stick after they broke something or I upset them to the point of yelling is good actually#had a boss say it taught him and his kids respect cause they were hard-headed#and I'm like?? that's fear not respect! they fear punishment! they do not act out of respect for you!#he's a conservative christian black man tho so he's like 'But Authority!' like bro I don't even respect you what are you on about#'You don't respect police and their authority?' Nope! I fear them! I do not respect cops and every cop/cop-adjacent person I personally know#has reinforced that for me#'We'll agree to disagree' Cool! Doesn't mean you're not wrong! I could believe trees aren't real but that is in fact incorrect#then he pulled out the bible verse and I was like ah okay I forgot you like 'here's how to treat slaves' book you're so right bestie#I'm totally wrong now and so sorry for doubting you and your 2000+ year old book I don't believe in <3#They'd go 'well I turned out fine!' then say something that directly contradicts that#anyways I need christians to get their grubby little hands off the current state of Child Protection and Rights in the U.S.#So we can actually start working on helping kids without the force of christian hands suffocating them#cause homeschooling and child raising by evangelicals are so fucked up bro I'm tired of this shit#I'd only stay in my current state to help children get out of that cycle since I'm in the bible belt#ex christian#religious trauma#child abuse tw
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pick a song for each letter of your URL, and then tag that many people
thanks for the tags forever ago @part-time-deranged and @elviehun i do notice <3
s - sugar by brockhampton
u - unfucktheworld by angel olsen
g - going to pasalacqua by green day
a - amity gardens by fountains of wayne
r - rose parade by elliott smith
h - hold the light by lp
i - i wanna be adored by the stone roses
l - love my way by the psychedelic furs
l - lua by bright eyes
p - plasticine by placebo
a - awful by hole
r - rhymes of an hour by mazzy star
k - kids in '99 by death cab for cutie
bold assumption that i'd know 13 of my followers who haven't already done it and actually wanna interact with me to tag and i won't do it but tagging @libraryspectre @beanie-twink @dearings from my recents and @gnome-cleric @pyrchance and @100percent-unimpressed my beloveds in case you wanna(/again).
#tag games#lmao at this#i just scrolled through the giant playlist i use for writing bandom fanfic until i got all the letters and look at this:#2 songs that aren't pre-pandemic#3 songs including those 2 from the last 10 YEARS#might as well have just held up a megaphone announcing i'm old#ray toro-ass 'i don't listen to new music' behaviour#even funnier because the 2 recent songs are not by young or new artists#i swear i am fun and hip kids#like mikey way trying to make bread over here lmao#also this is not my fave lp song but i'm glad she's on the list you won't catch me putting out a songlist without lp#that's my pet forty something lesbian#along with frank iero#god didn't give frank iero lp's singing voice or pussy because he would've been too powerful#frank doing a good job with his own pussy or whatever tho
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"Colton and Akiyama have a long and rich history, having worked together for Arasaka since their early twenties— Colton as director of the SERPENT projects and Head of Special Programs, and Akiyama as recruiter and quality control manager across all of the corporation's Night City facilities. The two disliked each other from the start and from an outsider's perspective only rarely saw eye to eye; but if anything their rivalry was a challenge, a way to keep each other sharp, and one of the only ways they could have some fun in the megacorporation's grasp. Years later, the two reunite at Club Bodytalk following the incident in spaceship Elysium and the fall of Cobra Cybernetics. Surrounded by the victims of the projects they once ran, their heads are forcibly turned into the direction of their past mistakes— their guilt connects them and it forges a bond of understanding they can't get with anyone else, and while they cannot erase their past they can ensure that no one else ever has to go through any of that again." ↳ andy belongs to @mojaves, template here [x]
taglist (opt in/out)
@shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @roseeway, @stars-of-the-heart;
@lestatlioncunt, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman;
@celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister;
@killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree;
@kanos, @swordcoasts, @ordinarymaine, @claudiawolf
#cp2077#edit:kaida#nuclearocs#nuclearedits#sorry i'm bouncing around between five billion projects and interests right now so i go where the waves take me LMAO#the pictures aren't entirely accurate. kaida is also very good at pressing andy into a wall and making him moan like a girl#it's also funny that they're both part of the rest of the club bodytalk polycule but in VASTLY different directions#well. i'm saying that right now but that's not true. i'm lying sorry#because kaida also loves diving in bed with seb and hanan who are both also from xyr time at special programs#and andy has another boyfriend. beckett. who was a test subject at special programs many years ago#AND andy also kisses vitali from time to time. who used to bother him with a thousand and one emails back at arasaka on weekly basis#so basically if you've been an arasaka employee in any way in your life you're messy. is what i'm implying here#either way the dynamics between kaida and andy specifically make me so fucking insane they're so good. so so good#when they officially reunited at the club kaida punched andy on the nose threatened to kill him and then fucked him#while carving a heart on his chest with a knife no less. and then they both pretended nothing had happened for a good few months#while also hatefucking at any and every given opportunity. because. you guessed it. THEY'RE MESSY#i could go deeper [haha] into the themes and their arasaka crimes but i think it's funnier to explain all of this to you. it's funny#they used to get into car crashes with each other to get some time off from work
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My brother, a Warframe veteran, told me about how the veteran players tend to help out the new players, proving this himself by trading me some mods I had no way of getting myself yet. I thought "fair enough, more experienced players tend to be like that, especially if they get bored" and continued on.
Later I had managed to slowly but surely gather up platinum (mostly by selling fish) and was so excited to go to the Market and buy the Feyarch skin for Oberon - I'd seen fanart of it before I learned Oberon does not by default look like it, and I had absolutely fallen in love with the skin. And I realised I was missing one platinum. One. I was so miffed, and ended up complaining to my Alliance's chat, but was resigned to wait till someone would again message me about those rare fish.
And then this one person sends a message to the Alliance chat: "yeah I could give you that." Huh? "I need [super common mod I have like 60 copies of, and I have no doubts that they had at least twice that amount]. Let's trade."
In short, I now have the Feyarch skin, and incredible amounts of gratefulness in my heart. Thank you, friend
#warframe#bun experiences warframe#i was befuddled in the moment and i think i said the words 'well i won't say no?' to their offer#thank you so much awawawa#hehe my first skin!#and it's so pretty!#but just mannn the fact that plat is something you can buy eith real actual money and them just being willing to give it to me like that#i am very touched#idk i hope this post won't come off the wrong way I'm just really happy and grateful#i am at exactly zero plat again haha but I'll work my way up! those warframe slots aren't gonna buy themselves#maybe if i level up my rank in cetus to be able to buy bait for even rarer fish...#it'll be fun to see eventually which fish are the most popular from a wider pool than my current selection#anyways enough about my fish-based economy#I'd attach a pic of the oberon here if i knew how to work the captura. eventually I'll get around to figuring it out!
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part 1
It's a bright May morning, and the commentators are discussing who the Indiana Pacers are going to select. It's a bit of a buzz, there's a rumour of a dark horse candidate. The Commissioner steps up and shakes out the paper, saying clearly into the mic "the Indiana Pacers select Steve Harrington, from Roane County Community College." His face makes it clear he has no goddamn clue who or what college this is. It's fine.
Steve stands, smiling. Robin kisses his cheek and Dustin throws his arms around him before he's shuttled off to get a Pacers ballcap and take a picture with the NBA commissioner, and then to the press room to answer questions.
The reporters have dozens for him, a buzz with the shock of a community college getting a player drafted. It's the first time they'll really be able to talk to him, and he's a bit nervous. He handles it all with as much grace as he can, until someone from the Chicago Sun-Times asks
"you're from Hawkins, a town that's seen its fair share of tragedy over the last number of years. Did that have any sway over your decision?"
Steve's smile turns softer as he answers "Oh, yes. I went to R-tripC because it was close. I've got friends and family in Hawkins still, and I wasn't planning on moving any farther than Chicago. It's...a hard place to leave, after everything." he can tell which reporters have no idea what Happened in Hawkins, the confused brows, scribbles in the margins of notebooks. The Chicago Sun-Times report simply nods. "My being here is just...the result of a few lucky circumstances. The Ospreys, we're a div-four team. Not even supposed to be in any competition for March Madness. But the NCAA decided to try letting non-div one teams on the bracket...not sure if they ever will again considering our loss." there are a few chuckles around the room. The RCCC Ospreys had lost pretty spectacularly in the first round. "But, that's the only reason a scout saw me play. And the fact that the scout was for the Pacers..." Here, he doesn't mention being approached by a representative of the Sacramento Kings as well. "That was something that worked. I've always loved playing ball, but if it hadn't been with the Pacers, I'd be content playing with small local leagues in Indy."
"Has this not been a dream of yours? Playing in the NBA?"
Steve chuckles. "I've played sports my whole life. Obviously when I daydreamed about winning the Championships, or swimming at the Olympics, who didn't? But. Ah, it really came out of left field, if you pardon the baseball analogy." he swallows some of the water in front of him. "I wasn't expecting to be approached by anyone about the NBA. I played on a college team that most people don't know exists, that barley qualified for march madness and got eliminated by the end of the third quarter. I was getting my teaching degree, with guys who were getting horticulture certificates or degrees in Art history or business to help their family Ma 'n Pop store or bio degrees to use to go to masters programs in Indy. We weren't playing for dreams or glory. We played because we love the game, and like each other enough to be a cohesive team." he shrugs. "I was going to move to Indianapolis or Chicago with my wife anyways. This is just...sprinkles. Y'know? I have what I need, my loved ones are happy and healthy and safe, this is just sprinkles on the sundae."
Steve leans back and sighs. He's being signalled to wrap it up. "I'm not taking this opportunity for granted, and I am looking forward to working with and getting to know my teammates. I'll be working hard to make my hometown proud. Thank you."
#steve harrington#stranger things#stranger things au#stobin#steddie#dream team steve au#both steddie and stobin aren't really talked about here but yall know its there.#stobin got lavender married obvs.#and steve and eddie...well...that's for a later part.....hehe.#also steve is OBVIOUSLY a point guard in this and specifically a...facilitator(?) type. look at him. yeah.#this is just short and sweet and steve being like WELL i GUESS i'm HERE. as a PROFESSIONAL basketball player.#when i could so EASILY be FINGER PAINTING with SIX YEAR OLDS. yall BETTER appreciate me.#idk i think it'd be funny if Lucas also got drafter a few years later to the lakers and they get so excited to play against each other#and have some of the most baffling Mic'd moments ever. haha#finda writes stuff#finda's rambles
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#yesterday i had this moment where i cried so much and so hard in a way i haven't cried in so long#it was a moment of pure soul crushing grief. it was like i had lost my dog already. i felt like i was never gonna see her again#(she's still here. tired and sick and currently sleeping. being very loved. still here.)#i was talking to my mom and sister a couple of hours ago and they said they had a moment like that too yesterday#and i think for me that was an extremely difficult but necessary moment of acceptance#in that crying i let go of my fear and denial and fully accepted that there is no getting better this time. she will be gone soon.#and god animals are so very sensitive aren't they? because it's like my other two dogs know too.#it's like thay had that moment of acceptance as well. they were so quiet yesterday. they didn't eat all day.#it's unbearably painful. i'm extremely sad and my heart is shattered. but i'm glad that i'm at peace#no dog has ever been as happy and as loved as she has been her entire life. i'm sure of it. and me and my family are going to be okay.
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you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.
you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.
so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.
you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.
you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.
you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.
you know you broke the rule by interacting.
but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.
#before i maybe get yelled at:#1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even#though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism#2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them#3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have#encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in#nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally#about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person.#4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces#and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too.#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided#tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla#6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things.#7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl#i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know?#8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this#nyarla dni#<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks#adding this wayy later but a crucial part of the experience i Almost talked about it this but never explicitly did was that like#the measures ppl take to 'defend against men' are often deeply transmisogynistic as well. obviously#and when i see that it hurts me too. not that it hits me the same way when strangers assume im a trans woman and hate me for it#but it doesn't feel good to see transphobia at all. i focused on how that relates to other kinds of transphobia#namely transandrophobia here but like. it's all connected. lesbain separatism + exclusionism relies on both and they aren't always#distinct experiences. ime. anyway trans ppl i love all of you forever#i just thought me writing “*turns to the camera* and trans women exp this too.' wouldve been too much even for this post#i figured the audience would like. know that. and so far it hasn't been an issue. i have not been yelled at thanks guys 🫶
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Long Post about Savage Opress because I am Normal
Savage Opress, you are everything.
You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love. You had to participate in a battle royale and subjected yourself to a fate worse than death in order to protect your brother. You were forced to kill the brother you fought so hard to protect, your last words to him as he begged for his life were 'You make (me) weak'.
You are Frankenstein's monster, a kinslayer. You just have to live with that. Your mistress isn't giving you a choice in the matter.
You were placed under the control of a cruel master/mistress twice in the span of like a week. You were forced to betray your master and (under your mistress's orders) you killed two jedi, making you an enemy of the two most powerful entities in the galaxy. You made these enemies against your own will. You were lightning spammed and abused to the point that you were able to break free of your mistress's control.
You are then attacked by these two random jedi you have never met. They seem intent on bringing you in. They stand besides each other and fight to protect each other. You are reminded of how you did the same for your own brother. You killed that brother.
You run to the only home you've ever known, the same home that treated you as lesser-than and transformed you into what you are now. Your home is destroyed, all of your sisters are dead. You are upset by this. They were the cause of your suffering, but they were still kin.
You are told that you have a remaining brother, one who can make you strong enough to protect yourself. You decide to travel across the galaxy to find him. You killed your last brother, you will do anything for this one.
You seem to create trouble everywhere you are now. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you become. You become hatred. You had love once, but everything that you loved is dead. Except for your remaining brother. You do whatever you must to find him.
You find your brother. Your brother is delirious and half-dead, but he is your brother and you found him. You can fix this. Your brother sees you too, or at least he sometimes does. You are a reflection of him, of what he was meant to be. You are strong and powerful. Your brother is not anymore, but he will be soon.
Your mother, the same woman who took you and warped you into a monster (that is what everybody calls you now), fixes your brother. Your brother grabs your face and twists it, painfully examining your every pore. You don't begrudge him this. You have done the same to it. Your face isn't yours, but it is the only face you have.
Your brother screams for vengeance against Kenobi, he must have revenge. You must stand by your brother, he is all that is left. You embark on a quest of vengeance against a man you only briefly met.
You become everything your brother needs you to be. You are his protector, his sword, his second-in-command. You have love again and you will do anything to keep it this time.
Your brother is a terrible person. Your brother will massacre a village for the sake of getting Kenobi's attention. Your living brother is nothing like the one you killed. You aren't sure this is a good thing.
Your brother lures Kenobi to the village and you both capture him. Your mistress shows up and immediately sets about belittling you. You are the monster she and your mother created. You are not her thrall anymore, you can fight her now. You do exactly that.
Your mistress and Kenobi retreat, your brother chooses to bide his time. You will wait with him.
Your brother and you infiltrate a ship, finding a fortune of credits. You are happy with this, you have never seen this much money in your life. Your brother's only fortune is the downfall of Kenobi.
Your brother calls you apprentice, decides that is what your relationship is now. You don't see the need for dominance, you are brothers after all. Your brother disagrees and you will subject yourself to this for your brother's sake. You are a reflection of him, of all his past flaws. You are devoted to those you love and able to feel things other than vindictive glee or hatred. Your brother is not anymore, he might never be again.
You think your brother is incapable of love. You love him all the same.
You and your brother next run into Kenobi with another Jedi Master. You do not know her name nor anything about her. You kill her, goring her with your (far larger than they should be) horns and running her through with your lightsaber. Your master is not forcing your hand this time, you can finally choose to make an enemy of the Jedi. You would have been their enemy either way, but the false choice is comforting regardless.
You and your brother corner Kenobi. You think for a moment that you have gotten the upper-hand, then Kenobi cuts your arm off. Your body leaks green magic. Your mother's magic still holds power over you even after everything. You wish it didn't.
Your brother shoves Kenobi away from you and decides to retreat. You aren't sure if this is a sign of affection towards you or if this is a strategic move. Your brother speaks as if it's the latter. You see no reason to believe otherwise.
You manage to escape, but are left adrift in space. You are freezing and slowly running out of oxygen. Your home was warm and full of breatheable air. You are alone with only a brother who calls you 'apprentice' for company. Your home was filled with brothers who called you by your name or by 'brother'. You are alive. Your home and brothers are dead.
You next wake up in an unfamiliar place. You smash all the equipment around you. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you have become. Your brother informs you that his plans have changed, and now you two will be working with Deathwatch. You have no idea what Deathwatch is or who your brother just made a deal with. You will follow him regardless.
You stand up and hit your head on the lamp above you. You were supposed to be shorter than you are now. Your body is wrong. You look in the mirror and you are not yourself. Your body isn't yours, but it is the only body you have.
Your brother takes over Mandalore. You watch as your brother marches Kenobi into the throne room and prepares to execute the Duchess of this planet.
Kenobi offers sympathy. Kenobi recognizes that your brother never had a choice in joining the dark side. Kenobi had gone to your village and seen what it is like for the nightbrothers. Kenobi, despite everything, is trying to be kind.
You hear your story in Kenobi's words. You never had a choice in any of this. You never stood a chance. Your body isn't yours, your mind has been warped and twisted into serving the goals of another. You only wanted to protect your brother.
Your brother kills the love of Kenobi's life. Your brother has stripped himself and you of any possible chance to take the olive branch Kenobi was extending. You ask if you should kill Kenobi now. You know that stewing in grief and guilt can be a terrible fate. Your brother decides to keep him imprisoned. Your brother is counting on the Kenobi stewing in his grief and guilt. Your brother wants to drag out his suffering for as long as possible.
Your brother is in charge for less than a rotation. Your brother panics and bows before a withered old man, calling him 'master'. Your brother lies and fawns to his master. Your brother's master does not care.
You have never met this man before. You have no reason to fight him. Your brother is terrified of him. Your brother grovels before nobody, but he bows before this man. You don't have to do this.
Your brother needs you. You draw your weapon.
You manage to get a hit in on your brother's master. You are one of very few in the galaxy who can say that. You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love.
You are stabbed in both your hearts. Your efforts to protect your brother, your pain and suffering, your love and affection, you, Savage Opress, you don't matter. You didn't know it, but you were fighting the most powerful being in the galaxy.
You never had a choice. You never stood a chance.
You die thinking you were unworthy of your brother. Your brother never said or did anything to make you think otherwise. You die calling yourself apprentice, that is the relationship your brother wanted. Your brother holds your hand as you die, it is trembling. You aren't sure if it is from grief or hatred. You decide it must be the latter. Your brother is only capable of hatred.
You knew your brother was incapable of love. You loved him all the same.
You don't know that you might have been the only thing your brother cared about besides his vengeance. You don't know that when you are unconcious he calls you by your name, he calls you brother. You don't know that he nearly killed the Death Watch soldiers, but stopped when they threatened you. You couldn't know. Your brother never told you.
You don't know that he uses his grief as fuel for his duel with Sidious. You don't know that he switches his ire away from Kenobi and decides that his former master is a more pressing target of his hatred You don't know that he spends the rest of his days trying to find a new apprentice to fill the hole you left and that it never works. You will never know. You are dead.
You died realizing you were nothing like your brother. You never were. Your body shrinks down, you finally look like yourself again. You can't be happy about this. You can't take relief in the fact that all the magic which ruined your life has been dispelled. You can't feel anything. You are dead.
You are right. You are nothing like Darth Maul. Your brother is motivated by hatred, you are motivated by love. Your brother will die having found peace, you died having found nothing but pain and grief and yet more pain.
You are my favorite magical girl and you have suffered so much more than Jesus.
#star wars the clone wars#Savage Opress#darth maul#obi wan kenobi#star wars#the clone wars#hey guys I think I have a new special interest#this is very bad. I have enough.#Savage isn't even my favorite Star Wars character. and I have THIS MUCH TO TALK ABOUT IN ONE POST#He IS my favorite character who doesn't make it out of Clone Wars. He is a CW only character and I am sad about that#When I heard that Maul was supposed to hallucinate him in Twins Suns but it was cut for time...AGONY#I get it but AGONY#But fr Savage is actually the most tragic character to me specifically.#this is obviously a lot of extrapolation from the stuff we're given in canon/my interpretation of it#but Savage is never allowed to emotionally react to things or even think about what's happened to him sooo#and Ventress never really explains how nightsister shit works either soooo idk I'm doing my best here#I haven't even touched on the fact that the transformation seems to have fucked with his intellect as well#his body isn't his and neither is his fucking mind. oh my god this man#he is a disability metaphor to me <3#you'd think I'm in love with this man the way I talk about him but I'm literally not into him at all I'm a fucking lesbian#I just think he's neat and also really sad and also jfc WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS MAN????#I will also never be over Obi-Wan trying to empathize with Maul as Maul is about to kill Satine. He is so fucking cool actually#And I will never not yell at the screen about how Savage would have been a good Jedi but he never got the FUCKING CHANCE#I'll stop now
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lets think of everyone who had persona blogs and obliterated them off the face of the earth instead of just archiving and keep them in our thoughts tonight. everyone else who directly caused them into doing that go and fucking behave
#kommento#// talking about people I admire or just knew and realized the majority of the persona ones completely blew up what related them to prsona#// some started from scratch or picking up off of anything salvageable and are now living a better online life only to be haunted by#// those who knew them before and would rather not be reminded and just lightly brush away those asking because they genuinely don't know#// the games aren't all that bad and their flaws are of different circumstances that can only be explained differently from one another#// but that one scrap of the community can just tear away at your soul taking something you love and made with love to become fuel for fire#// it's clear when you've been scarred and everyone handles those scars differently. if they show them valiantly or still hide them#// in any other case. stepping out of your bubble you made around you reminds you just how horrid everything you blocked out really is#// it's worse when it seeps into the cracks you couldn't patch and it comes back to make you rot until you deal with it#// I know how others would just get up and abandon their blogs or accounts and let them be archived#// but with this community I fear they do their best to wipe that entire footprint off of the face of the web as much as they can#// and these people were the smartest and sweetest ever and handled the characters they love with care and consideration and love#// to be caught in the middle of a war they didn't want to fight for their characters or opinions that the best option was just leave#// my complete and utter fear to never get to viral heights and if I did I'd try to keep my anonymity as much as possible because#// the tales have been told scare me so much I don't want to experience it#// its been too long I really shouldn't be a hater about this at this point but something got me to pinch my nose bridge really hard#// well whatever. I'm glad I've made this space for me and for all of you. whatever you see this place as. a gas station or what#// everyone of you here warms my heart even if you come and go. I'm just glad I know I touched people's hearts and circulated#// my love for something so silly around other people
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For those who are unsure of whether or not they really have the "sensitivity to cold" symptom of fibromyalgia, because you think that it's just you not being able to handle colder temperatures like other people, that's one way of putting it. The other way is, when it's winter and the temperatures start dropping, do you feel your pain more intensely? Do you feel like you have more problems with your joints? Is your partner always commenting how cold your fingers and toes are, but it somehow gets more frequent in winter? Those are other ways to consider being sensitive to the cold.
#just a little food for thought#I'm thinking bc I'm high af#I had to take an entire 50 mg gummy tonight because I had some serious fucking pain#I didn't realize it was going to be a consistent pattern of winter making me feel like shit#but here we are in year two of No Longer Ignoring My Symptoms#and I'm still questioning whether or not it's actually fibromyalgia#like I 100% definitively know what it is#I just still don't have the doctors sign off bc I hate phone calls and I'm getting new insurance next month#so I figure might as well wait to see if the new insurance covers any differently#things to look forward to with the new job#anyways I'm forever grateful I didn't have to jump through every stupid ass hoop my husband did when he went full time with my company#it's explicitly designed against people who aren't neurotypical and it's honestly the most bullshit program ever#no they don't give full time by merit in my company#I really only got the job because my file boss wanted me explicitly for her job when she retires#and I will be eternally grateful that she saw something in me that no other manager saw#anyways ignore all these tags anyone who reads this that found this in the fibromyalgia tag instead of my blog#fibromyalgia#>.>#kudos to those who read this far#your journey shall reward you with a small token of my gratitude#🐦⬛ a friend for you
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I think online mutual culture is killing some of you
#it has been for a long time#you don't owe anyone a follow#and people don't owe you that either... and regardless if you're friendly with them ie interacting constantly or not#these are real people you don't know very well and that is FINE!#if someone doesn't follow back that doesn't mean they hate you... and you shouldn't be self conscious about it#it's ok! you don't have to be scared of embarrassing yourself by reblogging something you like#you shouldn't be terrified of getting unfollowed or vagued or anything at all. and most people aren't mean about it#and you can interact with someone positively without following them or vice versa#like at the end of the day none of this is real#again it's different when you are actually friends and even if you aren't it's nice to just follow and interact i know! i agree#but there's this obsession with mutual followings that used to be even more prevalent on here#it's moved to twitter for the most part i feel but it'll still be here forever.#unfortunately for some people being online is just playing a game of Not Getting Unfollowed#and in case anyone gets scared this isn't a vague post this is just something i notice a little more every day#kinblr was obsessed with this especially and now that it's dying out i see this substantially less but its presence is still overwhelming#and i'm not saying DON'T care about people. it's fun to have mutuals you're just chill with but you know#don't get in over your head about it! you shouldn't be obsessed with cultivating the ultimate online persona just to appease everybody#but also go dm that mutual. make friends. talk to people. shyness and paranoia will steal your life away#and if you don't click it's no big deal. there's always someone out there for you. i promise this is true. +you can still follow each other#nobody makes follow forevers anymore. free yourself#and if we're mutuals i care about you! but that goes for everyone else too#once again this isn't me trying to diss anyone i just think some people take the follow button too seriously
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