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Oh, and I have this paranoid idea that some staff member keeps tabs on me. I can't give you a factual reason why besides a bunch and an ask I got forever ago, but it makes me feel... Flummoxed. Maybe a little frustrated, but mostly frightened about my mental health. Definitely like I can't fuck up.

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First day 100% without any candybus. Jan 18 2025.

Feels kind of important. Like I should mark it. Was hard for me for many reasons. One is that my stomach hurts and cbd masked it. It has been incredible for the pain, but made me push my body when I shouldn't have. Gastritis is terrible and horrible and I hope my body is able to bounce back from this. I hope no one ever experiences this in their lifetime ever again. Jf.

I imploded a few years back and am only now able to pick myself up like a "big girl" (hate that). But what has motivated me is spiritual transformation. Something I never thought I would return to as a decades long atheist.

It feels a lot like... Something inside me could not withstand the expected function of adulthood. Maybe it was that the memories from my abuse were obfuscated alongside many normal, happy childhood memories. My day to day function since I've been a kid has been a precariously held together Jenga tower and thankfully I have therapy and a pretty comprehensive undergrad to find the right pieces to at least have a fair game.

I spent 7 years in therapy and never broached the csa topic. Now that I have and am not under any influence other than my prescriptions, I can observe my mind+body as it operates. Pretty easy to tell I have OCD. I'm obsessed with saying the right thing the right way (scrupulosity) and sorting things is sometimes the only thing that soothes me now. When things are bad, I'm learning to sit with my beads or art supplies and arrange them, figure out what to keep, where it goes. Cleaning has turned into a source of soothing and control.

The ADHD could be mistreated/misdiagnosed trauma as different menial (non-snorting) tasks overwhelm me with a strong sense of doom. As does the transition to these tasks and chores. Inability to focus on things I WANT to focus on as well.

I won't go into anymore details other than to say, that this feeling of depression is extremely reminiscent of when I was a teenager. Just a constant oppressive malaise. Made it hard to think, hard to enjoy life, etc.

I am doing my best. I am sad and in pain but I will be okay.

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Kind of ridiculous to be like "I am addicted to dopamine." but like... Adhd is practically the get addicted to stuff disease. Can't get off my phone can't get off tumblr or pinterest or Blusky etc. Sugar, weed, junk food, video games, sexy naps, the things I struggle to say no to are endless. I feel disgusting. A little rancid. The feeling itself, of self-shame, is wrong I know. I know this for sure.

I was never meant to wander around the daytime regretting all the things I'm not doing while simultaneously feeling frozen to do any of them. Yet I have also made some great accomplishments this year. Some stranger than others, some still panning out.

I know, because of my transition away from thc, that I am doing better. I've experienced some spiritual events that really push me into a different frame of kind and it's like the culmination of my academic brain, life experience and atheism turn pantheism is fueling my ability to tap into that necessary change and radical growth/decolonial mindset.

But also I'm so super tired.

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first 7 faceless emojis as a portent for the new year babes let’s go

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David Alan Harvey CUBA. Trinidad. 1998. The Trinidad Folkoric Ballet rehearses in an empty courtyard.

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The Door to Freedom, 1936

- René Magritte (Belgian, 1898-1967)

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René Magritte

La Folie Des Grandeurs (Delusions of Grandeur) - bronze - 1967.

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“I bought the book you were talking about” is a love language

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The cat just writes and writes.

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This enchanting glass captures the magic of a snowy street scene, brought to life with a warm, cozy glow. It transforms any space into a winter wonderland, adding a touch of charm and tranquility to any room! This will make the Perfect Gift this Christmas for your Friends, Family or Special Someone! LIMITED!

==> AVAILABLE HERE <==

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My father always told me: "If you want to go for a run, go for a run, don't look for company. Sooner or later, on your fifth run or your twentieth, like-minded people will find you themselves." And only recently have I realized that this principle works everywhere.

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You mirror the thing you become the thing. This is what meditation is. Thinking in fractals; history repeats itself but with the learned knowledge. A fractal growing and expanding out. But like a game of telephone the deviation from the original causes shifts in...will? intent? "truth"? This is also why a renewal of the self is necessary for things like recovery. Must create a new original to deviate from. The less errors in deviation the closest to a "pure" shape like a circle vs a dodecahedron. Think that's it. Thanks god.

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In 1970, my mother's family adopted an intellectually disabled man named Horace. Horace was 56, and had been in an institution since 1921.

My uncle, who was 19, was working as an orderly at the institution where Horace lived. He only stayed a few months as the abuse he witnessed was too much for him. He had become friends with Horace and told him "I'll come back for you."

Horace replied "They all say that."

By that Christmas, Horace lived with my uncle and his family. My grandparents did the official adoption. Horace had never seen a Christmas tree, and that was his first real Christmas.

Horace died in 2010, at the age of 96. He laid down for a nap and just slipped away.

At least two generations of children grew up with him. He felt immortal to us. He loved Hot Wheels, pizza, cartoons and to talk to the portrait of my grandparents as he sat in his rocking chair.

He knew everyone's birthday. He loved unconditionally.

He had scars on his back from the institutions. If you asked him about that place, his face would screw up and he'd say "oh, it was a bad place. Bad place."

And for 40 years, he was safe, loved, and happy. He loved us in return.

No point to sharing this. But I still miss his laugh as he held a conversation with a portrait, whispering about his day to the people who had helped rescue him.

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journal entry - june 5 2024