#aro adulthood

[arotechno]

Carnival of Aros December 2022: Aro adulthood and growing older with the aro community

When I heard that this month's theme for the Carnival of Aros was about getting older, I knew I had to write something from the perspective of someone who has been here a comparatively long time, but it still quite young. I realized I was aro in the spring of 2014, when I was 15 years old, a freshman in high school. I’m 24, now, and while I’m far from being able to call myself an older aro, it does certainly feel that way sometimes.

When I was a little kid, I assumed that I would one day marry, with the two and a half kids and the white picket fence and the whole nuclear family song and dance that I was, of course, expected to strive for. I never held any judgment for people who didn’t have that life, but I didn’t have the knowledge or the self-awareness to ever visualize anything else for myself. As I grew a bit older, into my early teen years, it was something that I just stopped considering entirely. I knew a traditional marriage wasn’t something I wanted anymore, and I didn’t know or really care if that was something that would one day change. By the time I learned what aromanticism was, I had long since concluded that I had never had a real crush before, didn’t want to, and maybe, just maybe, never would—I just hadn’t realized this wasn’t how I was “supposed” to think.

My journey with aromanticism today as an adult looks vastly different compared to eight and a half years ago, partly due to the ways the aro community has grown and evolved since then and partly due to the natural progression of age, wisdom, and circumstance. Being aromantic was really isolating when I was younger, and I was closeted for most of the last decade, aside from a few close friends who knew. As a teenager, my biggest problems were equal parts trying to cope with my peers getting into their first relationships and leaving me behind, and trying to hide the truth from them about their being anything abnormal or mockable about me.

That’s changed as I’ve gotten older, of course. I’ve written about aro adulthood somewhat extensively lately, and the thing about coming to terms with being aromantic—and later, nonpartnering—that blows your whole future wide open. When the path that has been laid out for you in life turns out to be an illusion, you have not only the freedom but the obligation to create a new one, something that will actually make you happy. Unfortunately, you often have to do a lot of clawing and scraping to get there. Much of my adult life thus far has been about trying to prove to other people, whether out of necessity or out of perceived inadequacy, that I am a Real Adult, that I am a complete person with a place in this world, even if I never cross many of those traditionally expected milestones to get there.

As I’ve said, I often feel older than I am when it comes to being aro, simply because I was here at such an early time in the community, watching, lonely. There are folks twice my age who have known they were aro half as long, and at the same time there are kids now younger than I was who are aro themselves and have more than one aro friend at school. In a way, I sometimes felt a little stunted—there were kids now as young as 12 or 13 who were out and proud as aro to everyone they knew, and here I was, a grown adult still too afraid to tell my parents after the better part of a decade, even after moving out and building a new support system on my own.

I know now that of course it didn’t matter, that everyone is on their own trajectory in life and there’s nothing wrong with being in the closet forever, if you need or want to. The truth was, when I was a teenager we didn’t live in a world where I could have been out as aro. My aromantic journey has been inextricable from the shame, guilt, and fear of mockery that came with it, made particularly potent by the environment that came to be on tumblr and the rest of the internet just a year or so after I came to terms with being aro. And I am happy that we have created a world, now, where that doesn’t have to be the case anymore, and I’m proud to have had any small part in creating that world. And I know that this is still only just the beginning.

[flora-tea]

It's so weird and messed up to me how society puts marriage on this pedestal as something we must aspire for as part of growing up, and how it's literally treated as something folks in committed long term relationships have to do in order to be "truly committed" or "truly serious" or "truly longterm".

Like why does a relationship have to have a legal contract involved that is sanctioned by and dissolvable only by the law to be considered valid and true?? Why do folks have to enter a legal commitment contract to be considered "actually truly for-reals serious" long term partners? Goverment's really gotta be in our business in order for us to be seen as fully adults or for partnerships to be seen as fully valid? Hell no!! You kidding me?? Society so weird for that fr 😭

No hate to anyone ofc, but the way marriage is largely considered an expectation for people and for partnered relationships is so weird and damaging.

[arrow-gt-ace]

person: "will you be my boyfriend" time traveler!Jack's aro mind: "me??? boy who is their friend ????" Jack: "Sure I'd love to be friends :)"

[knifearo]

I've been enjoying all your posts lately, especially all the community engagement. It makes me think about posting more personal aroace content instead of just reblogging.

I'm full of feelings but not sure what I really have to contribute to the conversation. Aro-identified people skew young and I feel like nobody's going to care what a middle aged aroace has to say but now I'm like hang on, maybe all aro content is good content, I don't know, I'm thinking about it.

i am absolutely of the opinion that all aro content is good content! especially because a lot of us skew young, i think it's so important to have (first of all just aro content in General. there's always a lack of that. but especially) aro content from people who don't usually have their perspectives talked about. if you've got nothing to contribute to the conversation that's fine :) more than half the time i do not either, i just make a silly happy little lah di dah i love aromanticism post and chit chat with all the little aromantic people who live on my laptop. if you're aromantic and you're engaging with the community then everybody should be more than happy to have you there :) just like you said. all aro content is good content. your opinion is valuable and your presence is treasured <2

[blurryface-bitch]

social anxiety is so dumb. I come home from a great night out and when I wake up I immediately think of all the things I did wrong and become CONVINCED that everyone hates me now despite all evidence pointing to quite the opposite

[aniseandspearmint]

LISTEN

as an aro/ace person i can tell you, that i was MOST CERTAINLY ace before puberty. Looking back i DEARLY wish I'd had the vocabulary to describe my feelings back then.

a character can be aro/ace at any age. I'd hesitate to say like, a toddler is ace, but if a child is of an age people typically start going 'awww they've got a CRUSH' then they can be aro/ace.

I saw some discourse about this and I’m curious what everyone thinks

[yannig]

Another thing I really like about Koisenu Futari, is how it exemplifies the ways amatonormativity also impacts allo people.

When Sakuko’s sister Minori gets proof that her husband is cheating on her (after actively investigating to make sure).

She’s still hesitant to divorce him.

Not because she still loves him (that doesn’t come up even once).

Not because he is a great husband beyond the cheating (the screaming match about how she was the only one taking care of their daughter shows pretty clearly that he wasn’t pulling his weight).

Not even because it’s a lot harder to raise two kids on her own (tough it is mention in passing - did I mention she’s 9 months pregnant at that point? and then promptly goes into labor?).

Not even really what society is going to say about her (even tough it would be completely justified, especially in Japan).

But because she’s terrified of being alone.

And then again while she's in labor

In that way, she mirrors Sakuko’s own fear of loneliness.

And of course, she associates being single with being lonely. Because amatonormativity.

She verbalizes the relationship elevator: getting married, having a child, buying a house, another child. She calls it "a game of adulthood".

But while she comes to the conclusion that she failed at this "game of adulthood", she doesn't really get to the conclusion that it's bullshit.

Even with her sister's example right in front of her, she has trouble imagining happiness outside of marriage.

Most likely because she still sees Sakuko and Takahashi's relationship as abnormal, and therefore reserved to abnormal people. So she can't apply their example of being happy outside of marriage to herself yet. Not when she's tried to hard to be the perfect normal woman.

But no matter if Minori believes it or not, single doesn't have to mean lonely, which Sakuko proves immediately by promising to always stand by her sister's side.

And then Sakuko meets Takahashi’s ex Haruka, who explains that she moved to the countryside after their break-up, and then started up her (now very successful) farm.

Sakuko’s reaction is to say it was then a blessing in disguise

To which Haruka thanks her, saying that most people are just sad for her because she’s “old” (around 40) and still single, even tough she’s perfectly happy as is.

She’s a really good illustration that:

amatonormativity impacts everyone who strays out of it, it doesn't matter if you're aro or allo

you don’t need to be aro to be happy outside of amatonormativity’s expectation

And in that way, I feel like that makes her an optimistic answer to Minori’s concerns about loneliness.

(And then of course there is Kazu-kun, but there is so much to say about him, he'll get his own post.)

I really liked that the shows takes the time to talk about those experiences, because it makes amatonormativity much more real. It is a systemic issue, so of course it impacts everyone.

And I think we've all had discussions like this, where other people's own internalized amatonormativity also completely invalidated our experiences.

So it was great to see it explored so clearly here.

(also this has nothing and everything to do with it, but the fact that in the credit, Minori is called by her husband's name. I don't think it's used in the show itself but. You know. All of a woman identity depending on her husband. All that.)

[louisferrignojr]

yk as someone who is aroace, can i also add that the whole "buck needs to explore his sexuality" thing being equated to "having sex" is not only biphobic but also reads as aphobic? aspec, aro, and sex-repulsed people are so often questioned in "how sure" they are about what they lack of desire for sexual and/or romantic intimacy. so often we have to hear "you will want to have sex when you find The One" and other bs. aspecs are constantly belittled and treated as immature and alien because to so many people, sex seems to equal maturity, as if adulthood is inherently tied to the fact that you must have lost your virginity. self-discovery does not only come from sex. maturity does not come from sex.

yes, many people love to explore sexual activities! and that is good for them if they choose to do that! but telling people that their queer card is basically revoked when they do not have sex with the appropriate amount of genders is so harmful. telling bi/pan people that their opinions do not matter before they "test all available genders" is harmful. telling aspec people that they should "prove" to themselves that are are "truly ace" by forcing themselves to have sex is harmful. nobody is questioning straight people for never fully exploring other available options (which there are endless options! you do not "date a gender", you date a Person ffs!!). we just accept that straight people know what they like. no discussion, no questioning, no "but are you straight enough?" quizzes needed.

no notes.

[megs-mostly-past-random-fandoms]

Don't Over-Do It

Based on this request: Could you write a fluffy imagine for the Volturi with the reader being Marcus descendant, Aros mate and Janes best friend? The reader tends to overwork both in her job and by working out. The Volturis are far to protective to let her continue like that.

Here you are, lovely! *Familiar Characters are NEVER mine.*

Fandom: Twilight

Warnings: mentions of passing out and forgetting to eat. Some light fluff.

Pairings/Characters: Marcus Volturi x fem!descendant reader (familial), Aro Volturi x fem!reader (romantic), Jane Volturi x fem!reader x Caius Volturi (platonic, soul-siblings)

Marcus had never thought he'd have any  descendants. He never knew if any of his human family had continued on the family line. But then he met you and immediately saw the bond between you and him. And not just him. You had several other bonds within the Volturi including the silver bond of soul-siblings with Jane and even Caius, and the golden bond of true mates with Aro. To say Marcus was happy to have a connection to his former life would be an understatement. There was just one problem.

       You were a perfectionist and somewhat of a workaholic. You would work and work until everything was just right. It didn't matter what it was, work, hobbies, or even exercise. You were determined to do it right and you weren't going to stop until it was perfect. Aro, Marcus, and Jane hated that. It wasn't that they didn't want you to succeed, but they hated seeing you overwork yourself. 

They all tried to get you to slow down, especially Aro. He hated seeing his mate exhausted all the time. Though, his approach to this was to turn you sooner rather than later. You fought him on that. Aro wasn’t afraid of much, but he was terrified of losing you and even more afraid of your temper. It made Caius laugh to see Aro nearly cower under your intense glare every time he mentioned turning before you were ready. But all amusement faded from the four vampires when you finally over-did it.

You were taking out your frustrations on a punching bag one evening after working on a work task for hours. The ever-watchful Jane and Demetri stood in the corner keeping an eye on you when it happened. Mid-jab, you suddenly stopped and collapsed in a heap on the floor. Jane was at your side in an instant while Demetri raced to get kings. 

You were vaguely aware of arguing voices when you woke a few hours later. “Aro, you risk irreparably damaging your bond if you turn her without her permission. You know this,” came Marcus’ low voice. “I agree with Master Aro,” Jane grumbled, almost too softly for you to hear. You could feel the tension in the room, so you decided to try and speak up.

“And if either of you does that, I will personally rip your arms off and put them back on backwards when I wake as a newborn.” Aro was sitting next to you a split second later. “Cara Mia, you worried us,” he crooned as if you would forget you just threatened him and Jane. “I realized that. I’m sorry.”

“As loath as I am to agree with Aro about, well, anything outside of trials,” Caius stated, “I believe he and Jane may be correct in this case, Y/N. You cannot continue on like this.” You glanced between their faces. They all looked more worried than you’d ever seen them. A soft sigh escaped you. It wasn’t the first time this had happened to you, but the first they had experienced it. The whole situation was frightening since you were so fragile compared to them.

“I’m sorry I worried you all,” you relented, “I-It was always drilled into me that I had to be perfect. Nothing was ever good enough and I guess that’s carried over into adulthood. I’m not ready to turn yet, but I will try to take it easier. I’ll set break alarms or let Jane drag me away from my work more. I-Is that okay?”

“I don’t like it, but if I never have to experience this fear again, I suppose I can accept this for now,” Aro relented after a few moments of silence. Marcus stayed silent since he was simply there to ensure your bonds stayed intact. He was concerned, of course, but your bonds with the others were far more fragile for now. 

“I still agree with Master Aro,” Jane stated, concern still painting her angelic, childlike features. Caius rolled his eyes at the two of them, but you could see he was feeling the same way they were. “Very well, but if this happens again, I don’t think even Marcus would disagree with turning you.” Marcus merely nodded in agreement when your eyes met his.

“Sleep now,” he suggested only for your stomach to let out the loudest growl he’d ever heard. You felt your face heat up at the noise that betrayed the fact that you hadn't eaten very much that day. Marcus laughed, “Perhaps food is in order first.” You nodded slightly, prompting Jane to rush out. Caius and Marcus followed, but when Aro tried to get up, you gripped tightly to him. 

“Stay?” you asked in a soft voice. “Of course, Tesoro.” He settled back and let you cuddle into him. “I really am sorry,” you whispered. You felt Aro place a kiss to the top of your head. “I worry for you, Y/N. I cannot lose you.” You nodded against his chest, feeling your eyes start to drift closed against your will. Aro chuckled. The last thing you heard before you let sleep pull you under was,  “Sleep, my love. I will be here when you wake.”

(I hope you like it!)

Forever Tags: @fizzyxcustard @supernatural4life2022 @asgards-princess-of-mischief

Twilight Tags: @awesomebooklover17

[ungodlysaltyinfrastructure]

Hey… so uh… Alux witnessing his mother die in front of him, anyone?

Aha. So um. I inexplicably went missing on tumblr...

Why? I tried deleting an experimental side blog I didn't need/want, and because I don't know how tumblr works, I had actually deleted my main account (Note to self, never venture off into the account settings, WITHOUT CHECKING WHICH BLOG IM ON) I was devastated about it, but, it may have been a good thing for me, question mark? I had been embroiled in toxic queer discourse (aphobia sucks), and it took a toll on my mental well-being. So I took this unfortunate deletion of my work as a sign to relax a bit, despite the pit of panic that formed when this happened. Luckily, I'm better! (again >_>) and I still love Alux Rising, so here I am, making my grand return! back at it again with more way too long character analysis!

I would've posted about my abrupt leaving of tumblr sooner as I was eager to explain everything, but then AR 14 dropped soooooooooooo

Okay. Ar 14. Just made me incredibly happy. A major thing that had been missing for me was actual depictions of Alux as a child. He goes on about how his childhood was rough, but we never actually got to see such. Only the aftermath of such childhood with his relationship to Elric.

Now that we've seen it,

Oh God. It explains, a lot. I always thought Alux acted weird, so much so that I started to theorize that he was *actually* autistic/ASD (More Asperger's Syndrome but that term is no longer used)

But now…

I still hold firm in my Autistic Aro Alux Headcanon, but now his “lack of character” makes more sense to me.

It's made out that Alux's lack of character was prominent in his childhood, as his mother says that one day, he'll learn to like whatever he likes, and he'll be his own person, inferring that he doesn't understand that yet as a child. That's really intriguing to me. Apparently, his blandness was apparent in his childhood, and now in his adulthood. And it seems that the only thing he fully knows how to do, is to help people. If this lack of uniqueness to his character was in his childhood, then maybe the fact that Alux is bland is a defining character trait for him. One that will be overridden by this developing story of Alux rising. (Aha! Character development!)

Now, in relation to Alux and his parents.

It seems like he followed his mom more than his dad. That's why he brings her up in his and Elric's argument, and why he says “I like what you like!” and “I want to be just like you” To her in the memory.

And upon further rewatching, my heart just broke.

In the memory, Alux's mom says “But remember to be the best version of yourself, and to treat others how you want to be treated.”

How does Alux treat others currently? *He constantly helps them. protecting them, making sure they're OK.*

*sigh*...

Ok.

I'm really glad that we got this flash back. It actually helps put some character into Alux (even if it being trauma) and his lack of reaction to a lot of things makes much more sense. Even after the whole flashback, his lack of talking about the memory for why he had such a strong reaction feels very realistic considering the circumstances.

Another thing I realized, when Alux snaps out of it, the surrounding magic of green crystals is the orchids. I'm crying.

It most definitely seems like witnessing his mother's death stunted Alux's mental development to a degree, mostly in the sense that he doesn't fully know who he is, what he wants, or what he likes with what seemed to be his only supporting figure in his life now gone. If he still had his mother, maybe he would've turned out differently. (Wow shocker, I know.)

And honestly, we all knew Alux was traumatized, but I did not expect it to be to THIS extent. I just thought his mom died of an illness, and he wasn't there to see it but she was gone.

I was. SO WRONG.

Dead wrong. One could say.

Like Alux's mom- *cough*

anyways- yea Alux's nickname should definitely be Horny, Professor Red- oops, sorry *GEARS* comes up with the best nicknames, in fact he should become president and deliver every presidential speech in his rhyming scheme.

Oh and James is not dead,

Apparently.

[xxx-ang3l-w1th-a-sh0tgun-xxx]

Dykepunk

- an identity i created which combines gender and sexuality relating to femininity, womanhood, lesbianism and the punk subculture.

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2 flag designs i made (inspired by the voidpunk flag design):

symbol design which combines the double venus symbol (⚢) and the non-binary symbol (🜬) to indicate the combination of both gender identity and sexuality:

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Example: "they're a dykepunk" "we're dykepunks"

Gender identities: non-binary, transmasc, transfem, unlabelled, genderfluid, agender, queer, etc

Pronouns: any, she, they, he, neopronouns, nounself pronouns

Attracted to: non-men, women, non-binary

Attraction type: romantic, sexual, platonic, any (can also be aro and/or ace spec) (can be polyamorous or monogamous)

Related themes and identities: lesbian, sapphic, lunarian, voidpunk, punk subculture, rejecting society, inclusivity

Date of origin: Sept 2024

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Details & Info:

Dykepunk is a label which combines sexuality and gender related to a connection to femininity, girl/womanhood, an attraction to women/non-men and a connection to the punk subculture, especially feminist punk like "riot grrrl".

There is a rejection of femininity during childhood or adolescence due to sexism or trauma and a reconnection to femininity and acceptance of feminine gender presentation during early adulthood.

The slur "dyke" is reclaimed due to connection to lesbianism and often a rejection from society due to some form of trauma or discrimination (e.g. bullying, hate crime, rejection from community/family).

Gender identity is seen as a social construct and used as a fun and interesting way of expressing individuality rather than "fitting in" with society's expectation of gender presentation. This identity comes under the transgender (and non-binary) umbrella but gender dysphoria is not required.

Dykepunks are often rejected from the lesbian community especially if they use masculine pronouns (he/him/they/them) or present their gender in more masculine ways, e.g. taking testosterone, having top surgery etc. This identity does not specifically exclude these masculine identities/expressions. The connection to "femininity" is a feeling rather than a look; an individual can "look masculine" and still have these connections to femininity and lesbianism. This label is inclusive and can be used by any individual who feels a connection to this identity in any way.

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Inspirations: punk, riot grrrl, activism, feminism, Bikini Kill, Barbara Hammer, lesbian history, the effects of discrimination and trauma on one's identity / attraction to others.

I created this identity as i felt that my gender identity and sexuality are one thing together, combined - i feel that they come hand in hand and other labels separated the two, making it hard for me to find a label that represented me, or even a community that felt accepting.

anyone who relates to this can use this label, the flag(s) and the symbol i created except i do NOT want TERFs to claim this label.

if you repost my flags/icons i would appreciate being credited but this isn't necessary! <3

[silvermoon424]

Me in middle school and high school: Plotlines with such a heavy emphasis on romantic love are so boring, I can't relate to them at all. Why do we make such a big deal out of it when we could also be focusing on platonic love? That's what I really relate to.

Me in middle school: *only had a couple of crushes that burned out very fast and even into adulthood have not felt anything resembling a crush*

Me always: *hyperfocuses on platonic relationships in media and only ships a handful of things*

Me until a few years ago: I'm totally straight, I just probably haven't found the right person yet. Not that I've ever dated anyone or wanted to date. I also just so happen to think girls are more attractive than guys, but not in a sexual way. Wait, have I ever been sexually attracted to anyone???

Like looking back on it my asexuality and aromanticism were GLARING neon signs but it still took me until my mid 20s to realize that I was aro/ace. I was huffing the comphet copium so hard and the ace discourse era I was exposed to didn't help AT ALL, I really think I would have come out earlier if asexuals weren't stigmatized so much in the places I hung out in

[alterousuggestion]

a question to all my 25+ aros - how do you find community in adulthood? I want to make more aro friends who are likeminded in the sense that we’re looking for lasting and long term friendships but idk how to find that lol

[bloggingboutburgers]

cw: discussions of bullying and aphobia

Hearing aroace peoples' existential crises over their friends discussing crushes, as someone who was socially isolated and severly bullied for their whole childhood and most of their adolescence so had NO friendgroup until adulthood and NO community or inclusion in literally anything (and when it came to sex and romance the other kids explicitly considered my potential involvement in either to be impossible / laughible because of how "weird" they found me (my autistic traits before I even realised I'm autistic)), felt like starving while listening to someone else complain about the food they're actively eating.

Food intolerances and dislike of different foods (as metaphor for being aro/ace) ARE important and difficult to grapple with when you're expected to eat specific foods in specific proportions at different times - but man did it sting until I realised why I felt that way and gave myself a talking to since my trauma doesn't justify belittling the very real struggles of aroace people.

I guess since the choice between 'stay alone or conform' was never really a choice because I was rejected no matter how cis straight or allo I was it taught me to go "fuck it" and accept myself regardless of what other people do or say (which ironically has lead to me becoming dramatically popular all of a sudden at uni, which has been weird to get used to since I have literally no experience with any of this - platonic or otherwise - which did lead to some advantage being taken of me but f*ck it we ball ^^'). And I guess it's just been difficult understanding why anyone would care so much about whether they're "normal" or not? You really have nothing to gain from that, safety is not guaranteed in conformity so best to live aroace and damn all aphobes to hell if they have a problem with that.

It's a mindset I'll never understand and that's only ok now insofar as that lack of understanding no longer results in misplaced anger at people who, for a time, I had once considered spoilt, ungrateful and out of touch. Basically, I'm full of sh*t and to every aroace person reading this you deserve good friends that actually respect you for who you are and do not even TRY to get you to change your mind about sex or romance. Have a lovely day x

Sincerely,

An aggressive emotional support anon

I'm genuinely sorry for all the hardships you went through. I don't mean to equate at all, truthfully from reading you and considering I WAS asked some of those questions as a kid regardless (the "who's your crush" bullshit and whatnot), it definitely sounds like I had it less hard than you did, but... I was bullied in elementary school and middle school, also not necessarily because I was aroace (I don't know why it happened really, I don't know if anyone ever knows, I boil it down to... me being me and there being something fundamentally wrong with me ig), and I definitely also get some of those feelings of "oh boo hoo you call that struggle" boiling in me when people discuss their own past struggles sometimes, so... Yeah, every one person's experience is unique, but I can at the very least very much sympathize.

I think a way it manifests in me is that I now have that compulsive, debilitating fear of being "othered" in any way, shape, or form, so I guess being aroace doesn't help my case. But at the same time... Well, like you brilliantly put it, when you're in a situation like that, no matter what you do, you won't be accepted anyway, and having that knowledge back then is probably also what lead me to figure myself out as aroace so early in life. Because I was treated as this much of an outsider, I ironically had that much room in my own head to form my own identity, far apart from others and the need to conform. Yeah, that identity may include a "piece of shit that doesn't deserve to be supported of part of a group" side that's been forced in, buried deep down and can't be erased, but... It also includes asexual and aromantic, and it's been cemented so hard from so early with such self-affirmation that later down the line, it saved me from a lot of stuff. I never had to force myself into a romantic or sexual relationship because I was undoubtably aroace – and people saw me as an outsider and an eyesore anyway. I spent years of being scared to go to school or out in the street every day, but later down the line, somehow, I feel it saved me from doing so many things I wouldn't have wanted to do.

...Bleh, sorry, didn't mean to turn this into me-me-me crap when you had the courage and sincerity of not only showing your experience, but finding the strength to show more love, understanding and support than a lot of people probably cared to give you for so long, despite all the pain you felt for so long. I guess I just wanna say... This take is definitely inspiring, so thank you on behalf of myself and others I'm sure, but also... I hope that, for yourself, you're also managing to own what you lived through in a way that allowed you to affirm yourself more strongly (it sounds like you are, I hope it IS the case), and most importantly, I hope you're in a much better place in your life now and you'll never have to return to that level of loneliness again.

[reimeichan]

As I start nearing 30 years old, and also as I become more integrated, I've started exploring who "I" am, as a person, and as a single identity. I know that not too long ago I made a post talking about these aspects of who I am, as a person, post-fusion. But I've also been finding more and more bits and pieces of myself and working through my trauma since then, and as new information crops up, I'm starting to once again re-examine who I am.

Mainly, I've been exploring my gender and sexuality. My sexuality especially has always been very clear to me since I was 14. I'm asexual. Nothing had really changed that for well over a decade. And not for lack of trying, too; I explored my feelings on sexuality and sex for a long time and it was something I would regularly rotate around in my head. Am I truly ace? I enjoy reading hentai and watching porn and reading smut, does that mean I'm sexually attracted to people? I'm hypersexual, how does that factor in to my ace-ness? Am I maybe aro as well? Am I demi-ace? Is my asexuality a result of my trauma? Does that make my asexuality more or less valid in that way? I explored every aspect of my asexual identity as thoroughly as I could, and each time I emerged on the other side even more certain that "asexual" was the best and closest label to describe my sexuality.

But, now... as I work through these different parts of me and understand the bits of me I had dissociated away, I'm starting to become more connected to... having sexual attraction to others. It's not that I was wrong about being ace for all these years; I think it's important to honor and acknowledge that part of my history. But I also think that to continue to call myself "asexual" is doing a disservice to myself. I do find people "hot". I do think about and fantasize about people's bodies. It's no longer about just the act of sex or kink itself turning me on (as it had been when I was ace), I'm very much attracted to people's bodies. And in that way I think it's more accurate to tell others that I am bisexual. And... that's quite a change, for me. To start acknowledging that I have sexual feelings towards others, and am sexually attracted to them, is so new to me, when in the past this wasn't something I ever felt like I had experienced.

And similarly, my gender. The thing that I could never figure out, but with each passing day I find further clarity. I think I know how to explain my gender now. I was a girl. For much of my childhood, I was absolutely a girl. But as I hit my preteen years and my teenage years, that started to shift. I saw myself less as a girl, and more as something.... in-between and outside of that. Nonbinary. Agender. Androgynous. I don't know what term works best, but I know what it was for me. And again, in early adulthood, that shifted yet again. I was genderfluid, a girly guy, a femboy. But I'm not going to be a young adult for much longer, and I find myself looking into the future. In my middle age, who I am? Who do I see myself becoming? And, beyond that, who will I be when I'm even older, at retirement age or even as an elderly 80, 90 year old?

And as I think about this future version of me, I realize that I am no longer a genderfluid girly femboy. I'm... a guy. I'm a middle aged Asian man. I don't know if "transmasc" or "trans man" really is the best way to describe that, but it's the closest word I have for what I see and what I feel. But really, just calling myself a guy is enough I think. I'm going to be a middle aged guy sooner than later, and I want to take some steps for this future version of me so that he can feel more comfortable in his skin.

I'm still a femboy right now. I like this version of me and I plan to stick with it as long as it feels right. But I also know this isn't who I'm going to be forever, and that's okay.

It's so weird, exploring all of these feelings at my age, especially when I thought I had it all figured out. But life isn't so clear cut, and you're never too old to figure out who you are. And it's okay for things to change as you get older, too. Either way, I'm excited for whoever I end up becoming, and I'm proud of who I am right now.

[warpweighted]

happy pride I have been noticeably aro since I was six and romance-repulsed at a birthday party, and I have been noticeably Different From The Others since I was eight and had to ask what a crush felt like, and I have been noticeably ace since I was eleven and my peers started talking about sex all of a damn sudden. aromanticism and asexuality are not a negative space that only become themselves in adulthood, they develop at the same rate and with the same legitimacy as allo orientations and if I'd known the words back when I was a kid I coulda saved myself a lot of discomfort