#are you afraid of accepting that people know themselves better than you think you know them?

[wanderingmausoleum]

most annoying thing i’ve been seeing online lately is ppl in the adhd/autistic communities posting benign relatable posts and being inundated with comments from neurotypicals being like ummm everyone does that and you’re literally promoting harmful self diagnosis :// stop acting like everything is a symptom and it takes all my power not to tell them to shut the fuck up because not everything is about you, is the audhd community not allowed to make funny relatable posts without you insufferable cuntbags assuming the worst and reading shit into it that was never meant to be there

[taexoxosgf]

DO IT AGAIN

PAIRING brother’s best friend!park jisung x fem!reader

WORDS 3.7k

SYNOPSIS your brother’s best friend can never get you alone. that’s why he won’t miss an opportunity— even if your brother’s on the other side of the walls.

WARNINGS reader is tyong’s sister, jealousy, vaginal fingering, unprotected sex, creampie

NOTES this smut is actually from a super long fic i posted on my old account! i’m not sure if i’m gonna post the whole thing because i’m cringing rereading it lol

“So, how’s your big bro’s parties? It’s better than frat parties huh?” Taeyong dangles the red cup charged with alcohol in front of your face just for you to swat away in annoyance. “No musty bathrooms and paint peeling off the walls! Woooooooo!”

You’re going to have to have a jolly time cleaning his vomit in the morning. “Stop drinking you little shit. I’m not gonna take care of you tomorrow, just so you know.”

He does a little dance that has you suppressing a laugh, “The night is still young! Loosen up a little! Won’t stop until you’re having as much fun as me!” Your brother is so out of it, that he bumps into a million corners of the home and an attendee urges him to the couch.

“Actually… I’m not feeling so good,” he shushes the person helping before running out of the main room.

“Oh my god,” you pinch the sides of your nose bridge, unable to understand how Taeyong’s motto is always all or nothing.

You're nothing near Taeyong's level of intoxication, and whether it's the devil on your shoulder or the drink, you want Jisung. Excruciatingly so. Whoever claimed that drinking made you act like a bitch in heat wasn't kidding. It's more than true now that you know he's nearby– wanting to look for Jisung because if he wasn't going to make a move tonight, you would.

“Y/n?” a familiar voice calls you, prompting you to turn around.

“Hyuck? Oh my god! How are you?” you’re already bringing your arms out for a hug and he’s quick to immediately accept.

You both went to high school together before he left for university thousands of miles away. He still texts you now and then, but due to the time difference, you never had the opportunity to properly catch up.

“Not doing too bad. It’s so good to finally talk face-to-face babe, holy shit,” he chuckles.

“How’s the East Coast? Did you find a girlfriend at Columbia yet?”

“Nah, you know me. Girls there are way too preppy for me. Plus, I can’t stand another minute of freshmen thinking they’re living through Gossip Girl,” he pretends to gag, swaying his body from side to side.

“Hey! Don’t hate. That show was ahead of its time,” you comment, brows raised.

“It IS! But I’m talking about the people acting as if they were a part of the show themselves. Like come on, you were probably five when it came out!” he exclaims.

​​"Fair enough," you nod. "You know who you should go for?" an idea flashes across your mind as you speak.

“Who?” he shifts closer, genuinely curious.

You wave towards you as another way of telling him to step even closer and cup your hand behind his ear before whispering, “Yuna.”

“What?! There’s no way!” he steps away, not expecting you would say your best friend’s name.

“Come on! You guys would look so hot together! What’s so ‘no way’ about that idea?”

Your old friend momentarily pauses, like he didn’t know what kind of question you asked. “She’d never go for me.”

“What? She used to have a crush on you! You were always around different girls so she never made a move,” you affirm. “You know how she was in high school,” you remind him of the girl who was once afraid to step out of her comfort zone.

“Are you serious? There’s no way that’s true! You’re straight up lying to my face right now,” he groans, looking as if he was going through a mental crisis due to the news.

“I swear on my Loubitons that it’s true! Just talk to her,” you point to the back door. “She’s in the backyard. I’m sure she would love to catch up.”

He brings a hand to his chin, soothingly rubbing with his index, “You do love those shoes…”

“More than myself, so come on! The times ticking!” you press him further, and his eyes light up when he realizes the words you’re feeding him might actually be true.

“You know what, fuck it.”

“That’s what I like to hear! Acting like a true alpha male!” you jump up and down, probably with more excitement than he has.

He chuckles at your words, “Okay. Okay. Let’s hang out and catch up this week. Let me know when you’re free.”

“Okay now go!” you try not to hold him back longer than he needs to be.

“I”m go-”

Before you can properly bid goodbye, you feel a hand wrap around your wrist, pulling you away towards the narrow hallway of the home.

You see it’s Jisung after checking, and he’s definitely on a mission by the way he doesn’t utter a word. Instead, he drags you through the hallway and finally halts his steps at the sign of your bedroom door.

“Jisung, what are you doing?”

He doesn’t answer, he doesn’t let up on your wrist, and definitely doesn’t spare you a glance until you’re both in the room with the door shut behind your back. It’s almost pitch black in the room, and the only light source is the hallway lights illuminating underneath the crack of the door. Jisung finally lets go of your wrist when it’s just you two in your own space, and he brings that same arm above your head to anchor himself.

“Jisung.”

“Y/n,” his voice comes out hoarse, more playful. This was just what you wanted. He’s right here on a silver platter and you hadn’t even come close to building up the courage to approach him first.

Too bad you love to act dumb for the hell of it.

“What are you doing?” your eyes were slowly adjusting to the darkness, noticing how close his face was to yours. It was the perfect opportunity. Taeyong was probably passed out along with the loud music all throughout the house. There’s no way anyone could hear a thing from inside the room.

“Just wanted you to myself,” he comments. You can smell the alcohol on his lips, assuming it was the reason behind his impatience– but don’t think he’s drunk due to his coherent speech and careful movements.

“You have me to yourself now. So what is it?” you gloat, acting as if you don’t notice him struggling to control himself.

“Sorry, I took you away from your little boyfriend. Look’s like you guys were having fun,” you can hear the slight anger in his voice, jaw clenching following the statement.

You roll your eyes in order to suppress a grin, the alcohol influencing you to play games, “Hyuck isn’t my boyfriend, just an old friend. Remember him?”

He notices the hint of playfulness in your eyes, wanting to just fuck it out of you. But he’s waited too long to do this, and there have been too many interrupted moments, so he leans into patience for resolve. “Oh, I must have missed something babe.”

You shift your face closer to him to prove your point once again, “He calls everyone that! Go up to him, he’ll literally call you babe.”

“Hmm,” Jisung hums. “Should I call him Hyuck too?”

Your eyes shoot to his plushy lips, his jealousy turning you on, but you don’t back down just yet, “If you heard that, then you must’ve heard the part where I told him to go for Yuna.”

“I checked out the moment you were calling each other pet names, baby,” he leans his hips against you, eyes evident with desire even in the darkness.

“Well, it’s definitely different coming from you,” you give him what he wants to hear, but it’s ultimately the truth.

Jisung pulls back just to lean down against your ear, “Different, how?”

It’s like he knows the power he has over you when he’s using that tone, including the fact that you feel him between your legs only slightly hard. It’s definitely bigger than you previously thought, the excitement shooting to your core, “I’m not spelling it out for you, baby.”

The name has him bringing his face back to where it was before, cocking a brow. “Don’t do that.”

“Don’t do what?”

“Play games. Don’t fuck with me because if you are, I’m gonna lose it,” he seethes, all control he previously displayed being lost in an instant.

You began narrowing the gap between the two of you even more, your noses brushing against each other. Jisung falters slightly as you do so, his hand landing on your hip. He's noticeably less in control than when he initially encircled you in the room, taking in every inch of you as you jut your hips forward.

He groans, struggling to keep up with what you've been doing.

"I'm not fucking with you," you say, holding his chin with your thumb and index finger, tilting his head and maintaining eye contact. "Just giving you what you want."

Jisung doesn’t know how you tempt while looking so innocent. If he’s being honest with himself, he never holds a sliver of command when you’re present. “You’re hot as fuck,” he mutters, trying to maintain a normal breathing pattern.

"You're hotter," your lips nearly touch at the movement. You're grinning ear-to-ear, but it's short-lived as Jisung grabs your nape and presses his lips to yours. This kiss is nothing like the previous one, and you want to drown in him. You press your mouth even harder on his, and he responds by positioning his entire weight against your body. You’re actually somewhat sober this time around and take notice of the piercing at the corner of his lips. The silver metal grazing over your lips provides a cold sensation to the hot atmosphere, and you push down a moan at the feeling.

He’s such a good kisser, it surprises you but doesn’t at the same time. The boy you used to know was so different than the one in front of you now.

When you set your arms around his neck to play with his locks, he grabs a hold of your waist. You're drowning, arching your back to relieve the tension in your body as the kiss deepens. Jisung licks your lips, and you easily accept his tongue, lips fighting against his. His tongue dances with yours, getting sloppier by the minute, ready to rip each other's clothes off.

He taps the back of your leg with his hand, signaling for you to jump. You do so without breaking contact with his lips, and he smiles against yours. The taste of alcohol in his mouth ignites something within you, along with the scent of his washed hair intertwined with the cologne he’s wearing.

Jisung slowly sets you down against the mattress, slotting himself between your legs before he pulls back for air. “You look submissive as fuck right now. Is that what you’re into? Being dominated?” he purrs, fingers playing with the waistline of your pants.

“Only if you like to dominate.”

The switch in his head flips, and he uses one hand to unzip your jeans to slowly run his fingers over your clothed clit. Your toes curl at the sudden pressure to your sensitive core that's been begging to be touched. The thin material of your panties doesn’t do much to shield his touch, but one thing’s for sure, if it feels this good, you can’t imagine how it’d feel when it’s not just a tease.

“Fuck,” you pant, moving your hands underneath Jisung’s shirt.

“What?” he asks, moving down to your neck. The sensation of his warm tongue against your neck has your skin igniting goosebumps all over. “I can’t hear you. Already falling apart?”

“N-no,” you stutter, knowing damn well that anything done to you will be the actual end. It seems like he wants to win the moment he brings his red and swollen lips back onto yours, sparing any niceties. He’s smothering you, ruthlessly kissing you to no end. But when you become lost in his lips once again, Jisung slips his hand underneath the band of your underwear to touch your pussy head-on.

“Jisungg,” you say against his mouth.

Of course, he doesn’t let up, circling your bud, knowing exactly where to touch you even though this is the first time you’ve done this with him. It’s nothing, but feels like so much, your thighs attempting to close around his hand.

He’s still attacking your mouth with his, fingers trailing in an up-and-down motion between your folds. It surprises you, and you moan against his mouth, unable to maintain the same pattern with your lips. “Fuck, you’re already so wet,” he lets go of your mouth with a pop, groaning at the arousal coating his fingers.

“Please, Jisung. I need you,” you whimper, unable to take any more of the mere seconds of pleasure he’s giving you. You don’t even look down as he slides your pants off along with your panties in one motion. He tsks, lowly enunciating a small, “So impatient.”

Without anything in the way, he doesn’t waste time plunging his fingers into your pussy, groaning at the way the muscle tightly clamps around his fingers– and it shoots straight down to your core, never getting enough of how deep his voice is.

The pleasure you’ve been trying to grasp is finally reached, a gasp spilling from your lips once he curls his fingers inside you. Your hands have found their way to his back, fingers digging deep into his skin and he hisses at the slight pain.

“Tell me you want this,” he murmurs against your ear while his fingers begin to speed up in pace. You’re bucking your hips up, wanting to meet him halfway in order to reach euphoria. “I w-want it,” you cry.

“Want what?” he asks, voice too soft for the motions he’s enacting.

“Want you. Want you so bad,” you moan, throwing your head back when he hits a certain spot. It feels too good to stop, and every part of your body tingles at the pleasure.

You want to sob at the feeling it brings you, his fingers, mercilessly driving in and out of your cunt, while his thumb circles your clit. Your stomach feels tight from all the stimulation, and his body pressed against yours makes you feel hot all over. What you don’t notice is Jisung’s watching every movement on your facial features, loving the way your brows scrunch and how your pretty lips open up every time he hits a certain spot.

The band in your lower abdomen is on the verge of snapping, and the fact that he's above you doesn't help. Jisung's hair still falls perfectly, occasionally brushing the tip of his nose. He’s so fucking hot, you can’t hold back. You can't stop the orgasm from reaching your body simply by the way he feels on your body and looks above you.

“P-please,” you beg.

At the feeling of your pussy tightening around your fingers, he digs into your cheek, bringing your face back towards his. “Come on, you can do it. Cum,” he demands.

“F-fuck! I-I’m gonna–” you scream, body convulsing as your orgasm washes over you. He doesn’t stop his movements until you’re whining for him to stop. Pulling his coated fingers out, just to bring it to his lips.

As the climactic high wears off, your body becomes limp, but the image of Jisung bringing his plump lips to wrap around his fingers leaves you wanting more. You nearly squeak when he groans at the taste, letting go of his fingers with a pop. "Mmm," Jisung moans. "You taste so good."

“Here, have a taste baby,” he smirks, bringing those same digits to swipe motions at your core. You whimper at the sensitivity, the buzzing feeling still present. “Open,” he commands.

You listen, sticking out your tongue for him to insert them into your mouth. The wet muscle swirls around his fingers, finally closing around them, and you gag when he presses further into your mouth, teasing your throat. “Good girl.”

It’s so arousing that you intend to get up from your original position beneath him, but he catches your wrists and pins them over your head to keep you in place. Maybe it's the unfulfilled horniness from all the other times he’s tried to get you under him, but it's got you whining and squirming beneath him for his tolerance. “Fuck, it’s like you knew this was gonna happen,” he murmurs, not taking his eyes off your body.

His hot breath fans against your face, “Did you?” He begins to trace the contours of your body, slipping underneath your shirt on his way up. “No,” it’s a weak response, body twitching when he starts massaging your breasts. You had just experienced an unearthly orgasm, but everything Jisung does just causes your cunt to clench around nothing, and it’s only once out of a million times since he walked through the door.

“Just fuck me,” you plead, feeling his thick cock prodding at the side of your thigh.

“You sure?” he asks once more for confirmation.

“Yes, now hurry,” your whine turns into a pout, and he chuckles at your impatience.

“Do you have a condom in your room?”

“Fuck no, I’m on birth control.” He groans at the information, already quick to tug his cock out of its confines.

And just like that, Jisung slowly inches his cock into you. “Oh,” you cry at the fullness. He’s stretching you out so well, and the slight burn just adds fuel to the fire.

“Holy shit,” he sighs. “You’re so tight,” to ease the tightness, his fingers are already making their way back to your bud, circling in slow motions, “Relax for me pretty.”

You nod, eyes rolling back into your head when he slowly begins to move. “Fffuck,” he curses, his grip moving to your waist the moment your legs instinctively wrap around his. He feels so fucking good inside you and you regret with every ounce of your being you both didn’t do this sooner. You should’ve jumped him when you had the chance because fuck. How are you going to stop now? “You feel so fucking good,” he groans at the sensation.

“Ji–sung,” you moan, “Faster.” Your walls clench around his hard cock dragging against your walls, speeding up in pace and you fully lose it. The lewd sounds of skin slapping echo through the bedroom, and Jisung just swallows your pour of moans. He eventually listens to your request, practically nailing you into the mattress. It feels so good, the sounds coming from him, the feel of his cock pulling out, leaving the tip, just to roughly thrust back inside. You don’t know how much more you can take.

The thin silver chain he always wears around his neck dangles right before your eyes, and even in your fucked out state, you can’t stop looking at Jisung. The sweat on his forehead causes the front pieces to stick, the glow of sex already peeking through. “This is what you get,” he spits, but you can tell he’s slightly holding back. “This is what you get for all the times you fucking ran away. When I could’ve fucked you dumb like you want.”

Jisung’s name was the only thing coherent as he drills into you, squealing at a particular thrust of his hips. He’s so deep inside you, tip faintly against your cervix. “You’re cock’s s-so big,” you gasp, tears blurring your vision. The higher the tension builds in your stomach, the more Jisung continues to destroy you. “Jisung, fuck!”

“You like it hard huh? Want me to make your pussy mine?” His dirty words only have you holding onto him tighter, digging the heel of your feet into his spine. It’s too bad you can’t respond, your brain a puddle of mush at this point, cock going too fast for you to think about anything else. The bed frame knocks against the walls as the bed shakes but there’s no room to worry about that. Especially when he’s hitting every spot inside you perfectly.

“Answer me,” he grunts as your moans grow higher in pitch, unable to take it much longer.

“Y-yes, it’s a-all yours,” your body jolts after every movement, carving pleasure all over his skin. The thread that holds on for dear life is on the verge of snapping, and you wail before your second orgasm can send you crashing down.

It was so easy for Jisung to slide in and out of your pussy, your dripping arousal coating his cock perfectly. “Ji–” you attempt to warn him, but he already made his way back to your clit, pressing rough circles. You begin to babble random sounds, unable to form coherent words when he’s impaling you.

“Yes!” A shriek tears itself from your throat at your orgasm, and your toes curl at the high that takes over you yet again tonight. Your body spasms, and your mind stuck in a haze when he continues stuffing your achy cunt with him.

“Holy shit,” it’s almost impossible for Jisung to keep going when you’re clamping down on him like a vice, keeping him from completely being able to leave.

“Inside, cum inside, Jisung,” you plead when his hips begin to stutter. After a few more thrusts, he fully moans, painting your insides. “Fuck,” It feels even more full than before, if that was even possible and you whimper from the overstimulation from the last few movements. After his orgasm is at its resolution, he slumps into your form, not bothering to pull out.

You’re both just lying there trying to catch your breath, and it’s somewhat serene. The music combined with the vague sound of murmurs could be heard from outside and that’s when you remember that there were indeed a bunch of individuals present too. Maybe they heard you guys fucking, and Jisung seems to have similar thoughts when he raises his head to murmur something. “I forgot to lock the door.”

Your eyes shoot wide open in response, “What? Are you serious? Someone could walk in to you butt-ass naked!”

You’re actually alarmed, but he just stares back at you, his mouth turning into a wide grin. “Nah, I’m just playin',” he laughs.

You chuckle along with him, playfully slapping his shoulder because of his unseriousness. “You’re so annoying.”

“Get used to it baby, I’m not going anywhere.”

[just-antithings]

Anti-ism is psuedoscience and a moral panic rolled into one

One of the most dangerous things about therapyspeak leaving the intended audience is that now antis feel fully qualified to tell survivors how they should and should not be coping, even to the point of attempting to override/contradict the advice of certified therapists.

I've had antis tell me the fiction I enjoy writing is retraumatizing myself, that I am doing harm by writing it; when I responded that actually, my therapist signed off on the stories I wrote (even when I mentioned the specific phrase "consensual nonconsent"), they said that my therapist doesn't know what she's talking about since she sanctioned my coping mechanism and explicitly labels her practice as kink-positive. Antis are attempting to make me, a survivor with mental illness that could ultimately be fatal if I leave a psychologist's care, disregard the advice of the medical professional supervising me when they have no certification at all. This could, if I were a more vulnerable person, be dangerous for not only my trust in my therapist, but it could sabotage my treatment as well.

They are using what amounts to little more than memes, based on misinformation, that use a few intelligent-sounding phrases that very rarely apply the way they think they do, as a wedge to attempt to assert themselves as authorities who can, with certainty, dictate the appropriate course of treatment for a total stranger, including telling them to disregard the therapies administered by a trained professional.

In other words? Antis are frighteningly similar to anti-vaxxers, who took medical terminology they didn't understand, applied it to shaky cause-effect logic models, started a moral panic, used statements generated by that moral panic as a citogenesis-fueled proof their initial starting of the moral panic was justified, damaged the doctor-patient relationship of millions of total strangers, jeopardized the healthcare of those strangers who now believed their doctor to be incompetent for following accepted medical best practice, and fomented dangerous fringe political ideologies that coupled themselves to other conspiracies based on rejecting commonly-acknowledged practices.

"Vaccines cause autism! Narrative therapy that implements any form of controversial kink causes retraumatization of the writer, reader, or both, and starts the writer on an inescapable slippery slope to becoming an abuser themself! It's better to be dead than autistic! It's better to suffer feelings of shame and/or isolation in silence than it is to use fiction to put a voice to your feelings! Your child is vaccine-damaged from thimerosal and is getting sick from virus-shedding! Your fiction caused me to groom myself and you're a porn-addicted monster for not facing your trauma the proper way! Your doctor doesn't know what's good for you, I do! Only I understand how your body/mind work and what treatment is appropriate for you! Your doctor has been manipulated by Big Pharma/kink supporters! The empirical-study-informed best practices for pediatrics/psychology are what's wrong, not me, whose research is carefully informed by TikTok videos and Twitter posts carefully formulated to cause amygdalar growth to keep me afraid so I will continue to engage with fear-mongering content that causes my politics to shift towards the alt-right, who coincidentally also push narratives based in fear, not in medicine! I am being perfectly logical here!"

Antis fundamentally reject empirical medicine just the way anti-vaxxers do. They just seem to get a free pass on it since it's "only" mental healthcare they are sabotaging, and few people acknowledge it as something as legitimate and lifesaving as other medical care.

[just-a-ghost00]

Why do you rock their world?

Group 1

Wheel of fortune, Judgement, 3 of swords, Queen of cups, 4 of swords, Queen of wands

To this person, you are like a breath of fresh air. Not only do you speak your mind without hesitation but you are also not afraid to cross them and confront them when you need to. You can be very cunning, cutting, unapologetic and unwavering. But you can also be incredibly kind, caring and uplifting. You just know how and when to talk to them. Let's not lie here, you are one hell of a person and if they ever try to slyther their way around, you will know and call them out right away. This person feels like you could electrocute them any time and as much as it scares them it also thrills them. They are not used to being "manhandled", to having someone seeing as clearly through them as you do. Your energy is addictive, no matter how intense it may be. Being in your presence can be a shock to many people, especially to this person because you do not joke around. Life has made you bitter possibly and you do not have time for BS, that is certain. This person admires that. Also I feel like they have a sense of being linked to you through karma. Like, the reason why you are into their life is because they have things to heal and learn about. This person is very conscious of the impact you have on their life, I feel. They know that they will learn by your side and that may be something that attracts them. They seem to be the kind of person that likes to be challenged, pushed beyond their limits, forced to question their beliefs and evolve, a bit like a snake that needs to shed its skin regularly in order to grow. You rock their world because you allow them to heal and put into perspective things that used to scare or hurt them. They feel like they can purge their karma and redeem themselves with you. You rock their world because they feel like they have been given a second chance and somehow, you are connected to that. Or so they believe. Also, in this person's eyes, you are attractive. Sensual. Creative. You are fierce and independent, you make your own luck and create your own opportunities. When a challenge arises, instead of complaining or being paralyzed in fear, you take the lead and face obstacles straight ahead. You are a source of inspiration to this person.

Group 2

6 of wands, 5 of swords, 3 of cups, 9 of wands, ace of swords, 9 of pentacles

You rock their world because you are a succesful person, a role model and an inspiration to many. You are smart, mature, humble. You do not shy away from a fight but you know better than to start any. You keep your calm in all circumstances, even when challenged or triggered. You are always trying to be the bigger person. You rock their world because you take it easy. You do not feel pressured by time or space and you do things on your own accord. No one gets to tell you what to do. You walk to the beat of your own drum. You are an ambitious person, with a clear mindset and a clear idea of where you want to go, who you want to be, what energy you wish to embody in life. You aim for your goals confidently and you do a very good job at achieving them. You have a competitive and combative spirit. You know when to rest and when to take action. You know how to have fun and live life to the fullest. You don't depend on others and don't let them determine your worth. Because of that, this person admires you and envies you in a sense. You rock their world because you show them that they cannot control everything. You prove them that being yourself and doing things as you wish doesn't make you a bad person. This person is used to doing things depending on others' opinion of them, to please others and be accepted, recognized. They're not used to thinking for themselves, following their own desires and needs. Seeing you do what you do best intrigues them and also challenges them. Because it makes them wonder why they fail to do the same. This person would like to be in your shoes. They want to follow in your footsteps and be a version of themselves that they can appreaciate more instead of being a replica of others' expectations of them. You rock their world because of your generosity and kindness, your patience and understanding.

Group 3

High Priestess, Queen of pentacles, Wheel of Fortune, Chariot, 7 of swords, Hierophant

My, my, group 3. You are a genius. Or so do they believe. You rock their world because you seem to know everything and everyone. You are mysterious and powerful. I wouldn't be surprised if most of my fellow psychics and tarot readers picked this group. You rock their world because you see right through them. When they think that they have the upper hand, you are actually ten steps ahead. You move quickly, swiftly, without a sound nor a fight, like a stealthy wolf waiting for the right time to pounce on a deer. They feel caught like a deer in daylight with you because they have no way of pressuring you or misleading you. You are quick to react, quick to figure out their intentions and thoughts. Quick to understand the dynamics going on in any situation. Your brains, my dear, impress them more than you could know. They love how smart and strategic you are, how you plan everything meticulously, how everything you say or do is never pointless, always has a hidden meaning. They are both afraid and amazed by the connections you make both before and behind the scene. They admire your ability to read the room and pick up on cues to act accordingly. How like a snake you adapt to any situation and slither your way through the crowd, how you morph so easily to get what you want and deserve. You're a force to be reckoned with. Not only that but you are also extremely giving and patient, you stand your ground firmly and you do not waver in the face of fear. You are not afraid of the dark, of uncertainty, of times of confusion. Because you know deep down that you will prevail no matter what. Your confidence sets this person off guard. Because in their eyes it's like you have no weakness. You are like a fortress. Hell, you're even the dragon protecting the whole thing. You could roast them any moment if you wished, yet you prefer to focus on yourself and move on. Your rock their world because of your faith and your strong moral code, your inner compass that seems to guide you through shallow waters and help you safely reach the shore. There ain't no tide that could drown you, for you are the tsunami that will wreck it all.

[luna-azzurra]

Do you have any tips for writing a character who hates their appearance? Like say this character has the ability to look like a normal human but their non-human form is quote on quote "ugly/hideous" (The creature's related to the character have the same issue/The self-hatred is taught by the elders and/or parents from the society the creature belongs to.)

"Conceal it, don't feel it, don't let it show" kind of thing. And the parents/elders aren't mean about it, they just know their real appearance isn't appealing.

Human appearance = Confidence, more self-acceptance, more self-love, etc.

Your character could feel stuck between these two identities, on one side, they’ve got their non-human form that’s been labeled as “ugly” or “hideous,” and on the other side, they have their human form, which is praised and makes them feel confident, even if it’s not their real self. It’s like a mask they wear to feel better about themselves, but deep down, there’s still this lingering feeling of “I’m not good enough as I am.”

You can show how this affects their self-esteem and mental state. Every time they look human, they feel a little bit stronger, a little more accepted, but it’s not really them. Maybe they start to rely on the human form so much that they feel lost without it, like they don’t know how to be themselves anymore. That confidence they get when they look human? It’s a bit fake, like wearing an outfit that makes you feel good for a while, but you know once you take it off, all the insecurities come rushing back.

They want to accept their real form, but every time they look at themselves, all they can hear are the voices from their parents and society telling them they’re not good enough, that they need to hide this part of themselves. You can show moments where they’re afraid to let anyone see their true form, even people they care about. They fear rejection, judgment, or that people will think they’re as hideous as they’ve been told their whole life. But, over time, maybe they start to question these ideas. Maybe someone in their life (a friend, a love interest, or even themselves) shows them that their real form isn’t as bad as they’ve been taught to believe. You could even explore little moments where they realize they don’t hate certain parts of their non-human self as much as they thought they did. It’s a slow, difficult process of learning to accept themselves, and it won’t be a quick fix. They might still struggle with the urge to hide behind their human form, but eventually, they start to see that their real self isn’t something they need to conceal or be ashamed of.

Example / The Mirror Scene

The bathroom mirror was fogged up from the hot water, but they could still see the outline of their face. Human face. The one that made them feel like they belonged. A quick wipe of the glass revealed familiar features: smooth skin, symmetrical eyes, a nose that didn’t make anyone flinch. A face they didn’t have to hide.

For a second, they almost smiled. Almost. This face was easier, so much easier, than the real one. The one they kept buried beneath layers of “normal.” With a shaky breath, they glanced at the door, locked, thankfully. No one could see them here. It was safe. It was just them and the mirror. But safety wasn’t comfort, not when the thing they feared most was their own reflection.

The familiar sensation of their skin shifting began, like a wave of pins and needles. Slowly, painfully, the human features faded, replaced by the reality underneath. Their jawline thickened, rough, uneven skin stretching across sharp ridges. The soft eyes they’d once admired in the mirror were now wide and strange, glowing faintly in the dim light.

They hated it. They hated that every time they looked like this, all they could hear was their mom’s voice, calm but full of pity. “You’ll feel better if you just stay in human form. It’s easier.”

Easier. Sure. Except it wasn’t them.

They leaned closer to the mirror, inspecting their real face. “Hideous,” they whispered, like they could get ahead of the insult before someone else could throw it at them. The word hung in the air, suffocating, familiar. They’d heard it a thousand times, from elders, parents, even their friends when they didn’t think anyone was listening.

[doctorho]

i'm writing more viktor x chronically ill reader and -

it started as the reader feels insecure and viktor is so used to fighting against a world that wants to break him that he knows how to help.

and the reader sees viktor as this smart, confident, capable-and-disabled-guy, and it really is and and not but, he's had to fight tooth and nail to be where he is and he holds no illusions about what some people think about him, but now he's at the top, he's the best at what he does, he has one of those brilliant once-in-a-lifetime type of minds and the heart to go with it, the passion that comes from wanting to make things better-

and he's confident! he knows he's good! he knows he's smart! he had to fight twice as hard as the others in the academy just to get in but now he's running the whole show and he's deserved it, gods, he has a right to be there and he's not going to apologize to the people who don't like it, because they're not worth the time of day!

he knows he's good at what he does.

and he wants the reader to value themselves too. even just out of spite if it comes to that, because the world is hard enough for people like them already, other people are mean enough already, and it should be their given right to rise above that and say no, actually, i'm good and i deserve to be here. i deserve good things.

they've both seen enough cruelty already. they don't need more of it from inside their heads.

and he truly does believe that! he does. it feels like a truth running all through his bone marrow.

he knows he's good at what he does.

he knows he's smart.

and it's easy to tell the same things to someone else. because he believes them. he really, truly does.

but there's still that little kid somewhere at the back of his head, that too-little version of him that got left behind, and there's still that innate feeling of being not-quite-right, being weird and not fitting in and - yes, he's accepted it, that was just a thing about him, he was always going to be a little weird, but-

at the core of it is the feeling that he never really felt like people wanted him around. even after he climbed to the top of the business, the top of the stupid social circles, out of the undercity, and stood his ground there, he never really felt like he belonged there. like any of them really wanted him around. jayce was one of the few exceptions, but in the grand scheme of things, one exception didn't shake his beliefs much. jayce was an anomaly in the trend, and not a breakthrough.

so when the reader really does seem to want viktor around?

he doesn’t know what to do with that.

it's easy to tell other people they're worth it, but viktor still can't shake the feeling that it doesn’t apply to him.

except when you want him around for more than just his work? more than just as a solution to a problem? when you seem to want him, with his quiet humor and broken body and all, and then his heart is falling through his ribs as he tries to hold it together, because he didn't think that was possible. not for him. not this. nothing like this, and certainly not with someone that understands.

and suddenly he is a raw nerve, looking for lightning. he has no idea what to do with these feelings, because he's still not sure he trusts them, but he's not about to let the opportunity slide. so he has to push his trembling doubts aside and reach out, for the first time in his life let someone see his heart the way it truly is, soft and shivering and left-behind, because as afraid as he is he's also craving for the connection. even if he doesn’t really believe he deserves it, even if he doesn’t really believe in it, he still has to try. even with shaking hands, he has to try.

it's an off-beat dance on both parts, when neither of you really knows how to trust it. it's careful and tentative and sometimes just holding on to something feels like a lifeline, because neither of you really thought you'd have this. that anyone could want you like this.

and over the years, viktor's pushed his feelings so far aside, that when they snap right back into his chest it leaves him gasping for air. when you touch him he crumbles, all composure gone, and he grips your hand like it's keeping him anchored into his own body, like he might float away into the ether without it. and it's with shuddering breaths and gentle touches that he learns how to trust, slowly, finally, and it is delicate and messy and raw but it's honest, the truth of it warm and solid somewhere close to his chest, and he wants to keep it there. wants it to take root there and grow into his whole being until it surrounds him.

it's easy to tell other people that they're worth it. harder to believe it about yourself, especially when it feels like you're shouting alone into the dark while the whole world seems to quietly disagree.

it gets a lot easier if someone shows you that they think you're worth it, bruised heart and chipped corners and all, and fuck what the rest of the world thinks, you are good.

[vamp1reheart]

Cacophony

Synopsis: Your life has never been easy. Your everyday problems and constant anxiety have always made you someone people don't want to be around. But everything changes when you save a cute boy from a bully, And now he and his brothers are devoted to you. And now he and his brothers swear extreme loyalty to you, And only to you.

Notices: Violent and sexual content! Reverse harem! Bullying, depression and anxiety! Ot7 x reader! Supernatural au. I do not own BTS! This fanfic is my own! English is not my first language, so sorry for the mistakes! Yandere Themes! :)

Chapter: 02

CHAPTER: 01(One)

Studies can seem 100x worse for those who don't have friends.That's a fact.and I can say it with absolute certainty.

For me, school was never a pleasant environment. You trust people, you create bonds with them, and then they throw you away like spoiled milk.not to mention the cruel people. They always outnumber you. If you are even slightly different, they will do everything they can to make your life hell.

Even so, teachers insist on saying that this is the best time of their lives, that school is an incredible place, all these lies that we already know.

But I've given up. I gave up on my school reputation a long time ago. I've tried so hard to please everyone and fit in, but they still insist on being cruel to me.

My thoughts are cut off by a loud crash of a book onto the table.

is my teacher.

"___ are you there again, traveling in your head?! I've been calling you for hours..."

He mumbles a few more things that I don't even care to hear.

"____ you're traveling again!"

"sorry" I say in a whisper.

Sometimes it's better to accept the scolding without fighting, than to have to argue with it for the rest of the day.

Apparently he thinks I have some kind of concentration problem, but it's better this way, at least that way he goes easy on the scolding.

At the end of classes, I'm collecting my materials, most of my classmates have already left, but I don't care.

"___ can I talk to you?"

My teacher says, I pick up my backpack and put it on my shoulder, heading towards his desk.He was nervous, again. I already know what he wants.

"___ você sabe que eu me importo muito com você. Você é um aluno com grande potencial, você era o mais inteligente da sua turma. Eu não vou te perguntar o que aconteceu, você não precisa me responder, mas eu separei algumas atividades diferentes para você. Você pode achar ruim, mas quem sabe, com métodos diferentes você consegue fazer."

He mumbles his words, afraid of offending me.

"It's okay..." I say so as not to hurt him, I know he's trying, and I know that unlike me, he won't give up.

I'm going back home now. The extra activities are in my hands.I don't see any need for them, I don't even do the mandatory ones.

I stop in my tracks when I hear a loud bang.

The noise comes from the alley right in front of me.

Obviously I'm not going to look. I'm not a stupid movie protagonist. I just go on with my life.

"Where are your brothers to protect you now?! You freak!"

The voice came from the alley. And more and more loud noises and insults.

It's obvious that this is nothing more than idiots bullying each other.

I get close to the alley wall and stop to observe.

As I suspected.

There are four boys in total, but one of them is on the ground, being kicked by the other three who are surrounding him.

I should leave, I can't get into a fight where I'm sure I'll get beaten up.

That's none of my business.

They're all men, and I barely have the strength to hold a few bags.

But he seems to be suffering.

Humans take desperate measures to try to protect themselves.

And that's my justification for what I'm going to do.

I grab a pen from my backpack and grip it tightly in my hands. Before I can even think about why I'm doing this, I'm already in the middle of the alley.

"Hey! Stop this shit!"

The three men stop and stare into my eyes without blinking.I'm starting to think I shouldn't have intruded.

"Who do you think you are? You slut?"Oh no, they're coming my way.

They are talking to me, but my fear doesn't allow me to hear. But when one of them pushes my shoulder, I can't feel anything anymore.

Grabbing the pen I shove it into one of the boys' neck with all my strength.

He screams in pain and agony. It's as if everything has frozen, the two boys next to him are in complete shock as they see their friend holding his bleeding neck.I can't move, I'm paralyzed with fear, I don't even have the strength to tremble in this situation.

I know they thought about killing me, but how could they? Their friend's throat was open, so they had other priorities.

They leave the alley, carrying their bloodied friend who cries for help.

When my eyes go towards the boy my heart weighs in my chest.

It's not because he's so handsome, but because he's already staring back at me.

His eyes stare at me in a way I can't identify. It's deep, as if he's looking into my soul.

Then he smiles, his bunny smile snaps me out of my trance. I quickly turn around and walk out of the alley.

I'm not crazy enough to go check on him. Not when he was looking at me like that.

Without even realizing it, I'm already in front of my house.I go in and lock the door tightly. Yes I am scared, not just of that kid with the bunny smile, but I stuck a pen in a bully's neck.

If they decide to take revenge I'm pretty much dead.

I don't know why I did that, nothing went through my head at that moment. All I felt was anger and disgust.

------------

The next day I get up early. Completely exhausted.

Last night I couldn't sleep thinking about the moment in the alley.

As I look at my desk, I notice the extra activities the teacher gave me.Shit, I didn't do them. He's going to yell at me so much.

I get ready quickly, putting on my uniform and leaving it to tidy up later.I don't consider myself a sloppy girl, but I have a certain difficulty waking up on time.

With no time to eat, I grab my keys and activities, lock the front door and stuff the sheets into my backpack.

I run quickly through the city streets. It's small so I don't have much of a problem with speeding cars.

When suddenly the law of inertia sets in. Who am I kidding, it's just a non-embarrassing way of saying I slammed my face into someone's back.

I look up to see who I hit and apologize, but the words die in my mouth.

I don't know if it's great luck or great bad luck. They were beautiful, their eyes stared deep into my soul, as if they wanted to kill me. But one of them is extremely familiar, It's the boy with the bunny smile!"

He looks at me with great surprise, quickly coming closer to me and asking if I'm okay.Did he seem distressed, nervous, worried? I can't tell.

He notices me looking at the other two boys behind him, he smiles shyly and says.

"Of course." He walks away and goes next to the other two boys.

"hyngs this is the girl I told you about. She's the one who saved me yesterday."

He says pointing at me, then comes to my side. "___ these are my brothers, Jimin and Taehyung and I'm Jungkook"

He says, pointing to each one. Wait, how does he know my name?Apparently I asked that question out loud, because he answers me."It's written on your uniform."

There is, of course. I tell them it was nice to meet them but I was late for school. Their eyes light up.

"Look, we're going to the same campus as you. We can go together!"The boy, whose name is Taehyung if I'm not mistaken, says with a beautiful square smile.

I don't bother answering them and keep walking. But suddenly they seem to remember something.

They exchange distressed glances, walk in front of me and bow slightly. What are they doing?

"Thank you so much for saving Jungkook!"

They say it a little louder than they should, you can tell they feel bad for not thanking me sooner. God, how embarrassing.

"We are eternally grateful!" They said, raising their heads and coming closer, they looked desperate. What is happening?

"Yes! I owe you my life!" He says in a strange way.

"Hey hey! Oh my God, it was nothing, no need to exaggerate. Let's go to school soon, I'm already really late."

I walk ahead of them, not noticing the looks they give me, and their satisfied smiles."Hyngs, we found her."

Continued...

Not reviewed! Sorry for any mistakes!

[hwnglx]

hm i tried my best to explain, he has a lot of different facets to him, so reading for him can get a little overwhelming.. hope it's still a nice read 🤍

jake's ideal type

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

shuffled songs: bored by billie eilish young and beautiful by lana del rey “will you still love me, when i got nothing but my aching soul?”

physical traits

natural and classic beauty. harmonious features. deep and intense eyes. color more on the darker side. (like dark eyes you can lose yourself in) fierce gaze. something strong about their features that makes them stand out, it just catches your eye. face that lights up once they smile. (looks colder in a resting position but transform once they break into a smile) keep hearing “부담스러워” meaning burdenful. in this context, used more in an “intimidating” manner. in korean this can be used for people who have intensity to their look, people you can't hold eye contact with for long. he doesn't have an extremely specific type, just needs to feel intrigued.

personality traits

so, jake likes his partners to have a powerful effect on him. what seems to intrigue him in a person, is “reverse charm” where they might look sweet and innocent, but are much more fierce and savage inside. or look intense and cold, but end up being very soft and sweet inside. someone with a captivating aura, who carries themselves with a sense of mystery. a person he looks at and makes him wonder, awakens his interest like.. “oh this person must have such a different side to them deep down.”

jake also likes it when his lovers can boldly challenge him and his beliefs. he wants someone witty who isn't afraid to talk back at him, change his perspectives. someone whose words and actions linger in his mind, make him re-think his own and in hindsight change and transform him for the better. he wants his relationships to turn him into the better version of himself and to provoke him to discover his best self.

another quality he seems to cherish in his romantic partners, is when they're patient, gentle and persevering. he wants someone with emotional intelligence and empathy for people, who looks after the ones they treasure with great care. he needs someone loyal who won't be discouraged quickly, and remains committed to him through every trial. he seems to be quite self aware, so he knows that he isn't exactly the easiest lover to deal with.. whether that's because of his busy schedule, or his more complicated nature. he wants a person with motives and interests selfless enough to be accepting towards his faults, forgiving towards his mistakes. he wants a resilient person who can encourage him to work on himself. honestly, he seems to like his s/o to have motherly energy. he wants someone who will nurture him, coddle him on some levels, but also give him the tough love he needs to grow.

jake wants a person who puts importance into keeping the relationship harmonious. he'd appreciate a person who can balance him out, in a way where they can complete him in the areas he lacks. for instance, someone much more stable and grounded than him. someone who can be more logical or objective and less impulsive when the situation asks for it. i keep hearing “정신 차려”, which means “come to your senses” or “pull yourself together”.

(note; this insight was interesting because i think he's this case of opposites attracting and benefitting from each other. he could grow a lot from being with someone like jay, who has a stellium in taurus, which is opposite jake's scorpio stellium. idk if they're close but despite unavoidable clashes due to being so so different, they have potential to balance each other out pretty well)

jake puts a lot of value into understanding each other on a level deeper than everyone else. he wants there to be effortless communication between the two, almost telepathic, where they know what the other means even without necessarily being vocal about it. the person who seems to know you so well; they complete your sentences, or know what you're thinking or feeling just by one glance at your expression.

he also seems to like his lovers having this duality in personality, where they can be both; cute, playful and kittenish (someone who flirts in this giggly and coy way), but capable of having meaningful and long conversations about deep and serious matters in life. he does seem to love duality a lot, whether that's appearance-wise or character-wise.

him as a boyfriend

+ jake is a boyfriend who loooves making you feel like it's only you and him in this world. he really values alone-time and deep intimacy, whether that's physical intimacy in the form of quality time, or emotional intimacy in the form of deep conversations. he enjoys zoning in on his partners and focusing the entirety of his attention on them.

sweet aspect; he himself can be very moody, but if you need him to be your source of comfort and shoulder to cry on, he can become that for you. he'll put effort into making sure he wins over your trust and you feel comfortable around him. he wants you to feel safe enough to not be afraid of showcasing your emotions, whether that's sadness, frustration, anger.. he likes to see it all. he does enjoy seeing his lover riled up about him lmao, since to him it shows they're passionate about the relationship. but there is this comforting and warm energy to him, where he's good at making you feel seen, and listened to.

he is the type of boyfriend who will want to stick by your side through all storms. he really values what his lovers have to say. let's say you got into an argument with him; once you've both calmed down, he might sit you down, softly take your hand and deeply gaze into your eyes while quietly listening to your side of the story. he'll want to understand your perspective and your heart.

he can be responsible as a lover. it almost feels like a task to him to fulfill his role as a boyfriend, to make you feel like you can rely on him. he wants to lead the relationship, and make you feel secure. it's very much an equal give and take, since he does seem to enjoy leaning on his partner for security at times as well. evidently, he seems to actually like a balanced relationship with no crazy power dynamics.

- hm, some heavy energy here i don't feel comfortable diving into deeply. but i can sense him realizing he has a habit of so strongly clinging to his lovers, due to abandonment issues. which can be quite common for scorpio placements.. he's scared of being left behind and replaced with someone “better”, due to him potentially not being good enough to stay with. there's some lingering fatigue and emotional baggage from the past he seems to struggle letting go of.

jake can put so much pressure on himself to satisfy his partner. he wants them to feel fulfilled and confident in the relationship and makes it his responsibility. it can weigh on him if he feels like his partner is starting to lose the spark, fall out of love with him, and especially lose their trust in him. he wants his lover to recognize how much he cares about the connection, but is self-aware enough to understand it's his own bad habits and impulsiveness that can stand in the way.

i can see him having bad habits like, having wandering eyes or being too charming and.. complementary towards women, where it can border on flirting. blurring the lines (like in his eyes it wasn't flirting but his partner sees it differently). though i can't see him straight up cheating, “superficial” things like that can still understandably rub partners the wrong way. it can easily cause discomfort, conflicts, miscommunication. this can lead to trust issues on both sides. he can just be a boyfriend who requires a lot of patience.

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[thecherrytarot]

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐫𝐞𝐟𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

what do you need to let go of?

pile 1 → pile 2 → pile 3

Pick the photo you feel the most drawn to and please remember that this is a general reading so take what resonates!!

listen to: chamber of reflection by Mac DeMarco.

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟏:

"No use looking out, it's within that brings that lonely feeling. understand that when you leave here, you'll be clear among the better men"

You need to let go of your fear of failure and accept the fact that mistakes are meant to teach you lessons the hard way. You need to let go of your limiting beliefs that were actually set by others for you. I'm getting the message that some of you want to move out of your house because you want to explore and learn more about this world but feel like your potential is being wasted by being stuck in your known surroundings. For some of you, this could be an overly protective parent figure who refuses to let you grow up (I hope this makes sense and doesn't sound too weird) and because of this you are stuck in a dilemma where you feel suffocated by the lack of freedom but at the same time, you doubt if you could achieve your dreams. Going back to the "being stuck in your surroundings" part, some of you might have even pretended to someone else to fit in just so you don't feel lonely and left out but I feel like the majority of you stopped this cause you realized that you were losing your true self to fit in with people who don't really care that much about you, just the person you pretended to be.

You need to let go of your habit of procrastination because you are afraid of the result. You are not only afraid of failing but also afraid of succeding and dealing with new, unknown experiences. You may feel like you are trapped in a situation which is beyond your control but deep down within you, you do know that you have the freedom to do what you want to do you just don't want to take the effort for it. You are holding yourself back from being the best version of yourself. Set boundaries and stand up for yourself assertively instead of stalling confrontations against the 'higher authority" who tells you that you can't do it.

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟐:

"Spend some time away, getting ready for the day you're born again. spend some time alone, understand that soon you'll run with better men"

You need to let go of your habit of neglecting yourself for the sake of helping others, to please them so that they do not feel disappointed in you. You need to protect yourself and take care of yourself first and then think about others. Many of you might be the eldest (or have to act like the eldest) children who have a lot of responsibilities and do not have enough time to focus on yourself. I heard someone defending themselves by saying "But I do skin care" this is more than that. many of you could also put all your focus on how you look but neglect other areas such as your diet, mental and physical health etc. Regardless of what it is, the message is to prioritise yourself and give others the space and the freedom to grow on their own.

You need to let go of your habit of building up walls that separate you from the actual reality. You may have felt like you were born and raised in hell and now your feelings and emotions have altered your viewpoint of the world that you see. You may feel like numbing your emotions and desires you are keeping yourself safe. Many of you could use this as a defence mechanism because you were hurt in your past and are now afraid of the present uncertainties. You may feel like "if I don't bring in any change, I'll be safe" but the universe is telling you to bring in the change that a tiny part of you wants. It is asking you to stop denying and avoid changes because you are afraid that it might break the facade of your strength. Let go of the things that no longer benefit you.

𝐩𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝟑:

"alone again"

(it was so difficult for me to get the messages cause the energy felt all over the place but the first message came out strong even though I feel like it is only for a certain number. i know the song is something else but I kept hearing Swing Lynn by Harmless so take however that resonates.)

You need to let go of your obsession with love/ future spouse readings. Sometimes you do not need to know every single detail about your future to feel a sense of control over the situation, confirmation of the future that you obsessively desire or whatever the reason is. There is no harm in reading them but there should be a limit, there are times when we are not meant to know something until it has happened and the best way to manifest something is the law of detachment.

You need to let go of your habit of struggling to say "no" even in situations you do not feel comfortable (like there are two cards indicating this) You need to assert your boundaries, needs and wants with confidence. You need to be honest with yourself and focus on prioritising your actual needs. Bringing discipline and action into your life will help you achieve your manifestation a lot faster than just simply waiting for it to arrive at your doorstep. This will help you bring the balance that you have always wanted. The other side of this is, that you need to let go of your fear of consequences, you may (sometimes unintentionally) give the 'decision-making' responsibilities to someone else so that if and when things go wrong you can blame someone else instead of yourself. It is important for you to take responsibility for your own actions and use them as opportunities to grow instead of feeling stuck in your self doubt.

You need to let go of numbing yourself from the discomfort and confront it. The wisdom, freedom and power that you search in others is already in you, just have to trust yourself and listen to it and give yourself an opportunity to grow. Reflect on your shadow self and learn to face your fears.

Please give feedback <3

[damnfandomproblems]

6785 Honestly, this one has me torn. On the one hand, I'm a fic writer myself, and I know all too well the frustration of dealing with a generation that clearly hasn't gotten the memo that fandom is supposed to be a community that's kept running by the participation of everyone. I understand the frustration of constantly having to beg for engagement from a generation that's been trained by the algorithm to just keep endlessly scrolling looking for the next hit and clearly think of fic writers as little more than content dispensers who don't have anything better to do than endlessly crank out free entertainment for the gratification of a silent invisible audience and never once stop to consider that giving encouragement to writers is exactly the thing that keeps them writing.

On the other hand, the general fandom atmosphere nowadays makes me wonder whether at least part of the issue is that people aren't reviewing anymore because they're actually afraid to do so, because so many writers have become absolute divas about what sort of feedback is and isn't acceptable. If you say you can't wait for the next update, you get yelled at for "pressuring the author to update", because they can't just be happy that someone is invested in their story and wants it to continue. If you say "This isn't my ship, but I really loved this story anyway!", you get yelled at for "making it all about your ship" by an author who can't just be happy that they're a good enough writer to get someone invested in a ship they're not normally into. If you politely point out a typo or an inconsistency, you get yelled at for "giving unsolicited critique on a free fanfic". Then, if you just give up and just say "Great!" or "Loved it!" because that's about the only thing that feels safe, you get yelled at for not writing a more detailed review because the author can't just be happy that someone loved their story and took the time to say so. By this point I've written at least a couple of long, detailed reviews that I never actually ended up posting for fear that the author would bite my head off just for the blasphemy of saying I understood where the antagonist was coming from.

And that's not even getting into the general amount of policing and bullying that's been going on. When you know you could easily get ostracized just for liking something "problematic" or for having an opinion that the majority has deemed "bad", well, that doesn't exactly make anyone eager to draw attention to themselves, whether by posting fics or reviewing them. I don't think the OP is wrong to be frustrated and angry, just that if fandom wants more engagement, then it needs to do some serious cleaning up that goes beyond just pushing people to engage more.

Posting as a response to a previous problem.

[planefood]

Autism and Isolation, discussing my experience and my characters

I think i've said here before that my robot characters represent my experience growing up disabled where I live. My characters being robots specifically were made to represent feelings of being made to feel less human in some way due to it. While all my characters in that story are on the spectrum and represent different parts of my experience, I used Mikey as the cover of this post because he represents a certain part of myself that makes me incredibly attached to him (there's a reason I say I like writing him so much, despite him not being the main protagonist). He's the part of me that understands I need help with things but is too afraid to ask leaving me in horrible positions, he's the part of me who screams in public when I feel trapped, he's the part of me that could probably never live by myself, he's the part of me who's scared and vulnerable. Among other things. But also he's the part of me who, like many of my peers, feels isolated in everyday spaces and autistic spaces alike due to peoples perceptions of what autism "should" be, these same people welcome fidget toys and stimming with open arms turn around and think its okay to call me the r slur or infantalise me or make fun of until I cry. But I only cry because I thought i'd be welcomed in those spaces with my autistic peers and I cry because I told my younger self it would get better and people would be nicer to us once we were an adult with like minded people. These same people who, despite being open and proud about supporting neurodiversity still think its okay to use the word autistic as an insult against me. I feel like while people appear so much more accepting of disabled people with these small gestures than I was when I was growing up, I still feel like an outsider in these spaces but this time it feels like I've hit a wall. Like a, "who will support me if the people who are meant to don't?" it leads to a lot of insecurity and self loathing, it makes me feel like I'm not autistic in the "right way" and there's just something wrong with me as a person. I wrote these into Mikey, which makes him seem like he has a 'thin skin' to people like Tandy. Mikey, in my story, is often left behind or teased by other characters in my story even the ones who are also on the spectrum. They also struggle with their own battles with facing ableism and self hatred due to it but don't realise the first step to tackling that is unpacking how they treat others around them. You'll never be able to love your true authentic autistic self if you throw ableist rhetoric at people around you. That includes saying shit like "I'm autistic and I don't act like that guy does whats their excuse" or "I'm not making fun of them because they're autistic they just act weird" I'm low support needs autistic, I've seen how people treat high support needs autistic people and its even more sickening, other low support needs autistic people like to pretend they don't exist or throw them under the bus to make themselves more appealing to ableists: "See autistic people don't actually act like that, support me because I can mask" or even trying to say autism isn't a disability. My characters and writing while being a representation of myself being disabled is also a scathing criticism of the cruelty I see in the world at large, the cruelty I see in other people in ND and disabled communities and the cruelty I see within myself. I get scared about my future with how people treat me, but when I have characters I can write these struggles into it makes it a little easier. I know there's people who love me for who I am and there's people out there who love you guys for who you are too.

[animentality]

Listen, I know I said I wasn't pro redeemed Gortash before, but.

But.

I could bend on that idea, if Gortash died and went to the House of Hope.

If he was humiliated by Raphael, asking him if he truly thought that he was more than that scared little boy he bought all those years ago, the boy his servants used to beat black and blue, who used to cry at night for his parents. A boy who was terrified of him, and hated being powerless, who spent his life trying to obtain power, so he wouldn't be afraid again.

Gortash dying and being forced back there...and having to face the fact that this is what he's done to other people...and for what reason?

In the end, he was still that helpless child.

Because here's the thing right. The dark urge is only redeemable because they lost their memories and their old self truly died when they got their head split open.

They only became redeemable when they had a second chance, and took it. When they chose to make themselves better and to fix the damage they caused.

Just imagine Gortash having to be back in the House of Hope, and imagining himself spending a fucking eternity in there...

That's divine, karmic punishment enough for a villain.

Not to mention that Raphael would laugh at him and torture him and force him to wear those hideous prison robes, completely stripping him of the pomp that he used to defend himself for his entire life.

Forcing him to dress like a slave again.

But imagine the dark urge waltzed in and slaughtered Raphael for him.

And saved hope.

The parallels!!!

Gortash couldn't break the cycle of abuse, but the dark urge could do it for him, and give him a second chance!!!

Gortash was abandoned as a child, and he used and abandoned everyone he ever met, so that none of them could hurt him first!!! But the dark urge didn't abandon him.

They came back for him.

He hated them in his final moments, because they had become a hero, something they both used to despise. The ultimate betrayal...but then.

This is also what heroes do. They kill villains...and they save people.

Gortash would ask, why did you help me, what's in it for you?

And they'd just say, it was the right thing to do, fool.

Raphael was a bastard.

So I killed him.

Same as I killed you. For being a bastard.

But then they'd throw his contract at him and be like here. You're free now.

Be a piece of shit again, and I'll kill you again.

But maybe his first act of contrition is making the steel watch help you in the final battle.

I think there's a data mined line where Jaheira says you were made to save the city, right? to the steel watch, when you summon them?

That's really good.

Like Gortash...ruining the city with his stupid absolute plan and his tyrannical steel watch bullshit...

And the arc words, of actually doing what he said he was doing, and saving the city he was was ruining...from the mess he made.

Ahh.

Also dark urge specifically...

I still think about the dev notes, about Gortash seeing the dark urge as something more than a monster.

Or even, seeing them as a person, and not a monster at all.

He gave them a chance before they were even good. He saw them as something more than a bhaalspawn. He doesn't care if they reject Bhaal or accept him, he doesn't care if they have their memories or not. He wanted them on his side.

It would've upset him, no doubt, when they refused him.

But saving him by killing Raphael...yeah.

Maybe he'd wonder if there isn't still some of the old dark urge in there.

The only person in the world who might've really cared about him, even if they don't remember it...but it'd be a glimmer.

It'd be a little spark, a tiny connection, that would make him think they were paying him back for his faith in them.

And then maybe he'd realize what a real hero looks like, and how they act, and if someone as cruel as the dark urge could be reformed...maybe he could be too.

Anyway.

Still fucking better than the current endings, where he either dies or dies.

I'm talking out my ass, as per usual.

He still can't quite make up for his sins.

But...but I....I don't know. Dont talk to me.

[frogizzhc]

Dr. Stone Headcanons: As Parents Edition!

Senku: He would most likely adopt, mostly because he doesn't see himself having relations with anyone he would procreate with. He wouldn't be able to handle more than two kids, and he better hope they're into science because he would annoy and bore his kids to death if they aren't. He'd try his best to parent just like his dad; supportive and loving. Senku would take them everywhere, he'd possibly even understand why his dad wouldn't stop talking about him because he wouldn't stop talking about his kids. He'd even talk to his kids about how amazing his dad was. He'd have a smile on his face and teary eyes just mentioning him, but he'd spend hours telling stories to his kids.

Gen: He'd be a very nervous parent at first. Biologically his or adopted, he'd never feel ready when he first held his baby in his hands. He wouldn't feel ready until he learned everything there is to being a father. Gen would be a little overbearing but it's all with love. He'd constantly be afraid that he is coddling his kid too much but he'd try his best. His kid would be so impressed by his little magic tricks and impressions, they'd probably want to grow up to be an entertainer. He'd be hesitant because he knows how stressful the industry can be, but he'd support them. Oh, and you know he is going to tell a lot of cringy dad jokes.

Chrome: Man, he'd be such a dorky dad. The second he would get a hint that his kid(s) would need something, he'd "invent" something only to be told that it was already a thing by the pre-petrification people. He'd also be a little clumsy too. Chrome would even be the kind of dad that would sneak sweets to the kid(s) when the other parent told them they couldn't have any. He'd spoil his kid(s) so much that he wouldn't ever have anything nice to himself because all of his worldly possessions would practically go to them. He'd also want to take them hiking or exploring to learn the lay of the land or find minerals and learn about them.

Tsukasa: Just like how he was for his sister, he would be a provider. He'd make sure that his kids have everything they need. He wouldn't be home a lot, but when he would be, he'd spend every second of their waking hours with them. He'd deeply care for his children. He'd also want to teach them how to care for themselves early on just in case he's not always around. Though he wouldn't be the best at emotionally connecting with his children.

Ukyo: He'd never want to be a parent in the first place, but he'd accept being a dad if it came to it. At first he would be anxious, but his great hearing actually helps him parent better, at least in the infant stages. It'd be like his sixth sense to immediately know what his kid needs and he'd smoothly handle any situation flawlessly. He'd be an excellent problem solver, making sure his kid has everything they need.

Ryusui: Because he'd want to keep the Nanami Corp. legacy going, he'd have multiple children, maybe four. He'd want to have them close in age and make sure they bond. While he wouldn't be so attentive to their basic needs (He has Francois for that), he'd be there for their financial and emotional needs. He'd make sure all of them know how to manage money, upkeep a business, and stay rich. Oh, and of course he would take his kids sailing all the time, as well as indulging in every single of their whims. If they want something, he just has to get it for them because how could he deny any of their desires? His greed would almost definitely extend to his children.

Kohaku: She'd be a little overbearing but only because she had to go through years of trying to heal her sister. She'd also be a provider, but also a pretty scary mama bear. She'd be a strong protector and no one would want to mess with her kids. They'd be strong just like her, with incredible sight too. She'd train them just how she was taught how to fight and make sure that they learn science from the best, Senku. She'd think about the future of her kids and how much the Kingdom of Science has changed her life. She would want everyone in her life to also be a little involved in her kids' lives.

Francois: They could have a kid canonically and we don't know it. We don't even know how old they are. Ryusui barely knows anything about this person. They are a lovely mystery and I'd like to think that they do have a kid or did pre-petrification and somehow the Nanami family just didn't know about it. Francois would somehow find the time and energy out of their exhausting day for their child. Otherwise, I think it'd be near impossible for them to have a kid with their busy schedule.

Ruri: She'd love every second of being a mom. She'd tell them stories every night (tell the 100 tales as tradition eventually), dress them up in matching outfits, and plan to travel the world with them. She would want to make sure that her kids see a lot of their aunt and learn a thing or two from her about how to be tough like her. She'd also want to take raise them around the Five Wise Commanders so that they could learn from them as well.

Yuzuriha: She'd be determined that her children are some sort of artists. She'd make every article of clothing they wear, every blanket they've every slept under, and every pillow they'd lay their heads on. Some her kids first stick figure drawing or finger painting, she'd proudly hang any piece of art up for display. A proud mother she would be if her kids turn out to be artists. She'd want to teach them everything she knows, which is mainly crafty stuff, but crucial to rebuilding society.

Taiju: He would be one of the most proudest fathers in the world. He'd be way too excited to be a dad, hyping up every moment he has with his kids. Their firsts would be like his firsts, no matter how many kids he would have. He'd be very fun to use as a jungle gym by his kids because he would practically be able to carry them anywhere and be climbed on easily. He would never wan to deny giving his kids a piggy back ride if they needed one because he wouldn't want their little legs to ache on a long walk.

Xeno & Stanley: Strict and Laid Back. Not saying which one though, that would be up for interpretation by literally anybody that interacts with these two and their children. (Yes I ship these two, I'll be tagging that)

Sai: He'd want to pass on his hobbies and passions to his children, but he'd never want to make it seem like they had to be a successor of anything. He'd want them to share what he loves, but also feel free enough to follow their own dreams and use their gifts for something that they're comfortable with. He'd feel bad for not hanging out with his brother when they were younger, so he'd make sure his kids have good quality bonding time with each other to maintain a close relationship that he sort of wishes he had always had with Ryusui.

[rita-repulsa-ke]

a tentative peace

"You can't run from Death forever, Agatha."

"You know, when other people say that, they're generally just revealing themselves to be weak cowards, willing to accept being the toy of higher powers. And then there's you, my obsessed stalker."

"It's still true. When they say it, when I say it. Death comes for everyone in the end."

"The end?! Try every other day! I'd love to see Death the way other mortals do, exactly one time. Instead, I have to deal with you popping up every time I turn my head."

"You love seeing me. You love me. You adore me."

"Ha! I want to never, ever see your face again. But you know what, Rio? I'd settle for this. When I die, you can come and get me. Until then, I'd like to stop running from Death. I'd like to be able to do other things, without my psychopathic ex-girlfriend showing up every few days to try and ruin my life."

"Hey, you admitted I'm your girlfriend."

"Ex!"

"That's still something, for you. You know I'm not going anywhere, Agatha. I'll be with you forever."

"Then I can and I will run forever, if I have to."

"You were going to anyway. You were always afraid of what I am. That was part of the thrill, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Rio, I was always going to run from Death. The difference now is that I want to run from you."

"…Ags…"

"What? We can still fix this? I still love you? Or is this one of those days when you get fed up and try to kill me? We both know you can't! It isn't my time, it would be a defiance of the natural order, that concept you love more than you ever loved me—"

"I gave you more than I have ever given—"

"You gave me nothing!"

"…Maybe today is one of those days when I try to kill you."

"Good. Suits me."

"…"

"Well? Come on then. You can at least get a few good hits in and maybe so can I. I've been working on a new spell—"

"Tell me about it?"

"About the spell I'm going to use to try and cause you paroxysms of anguish?"

"Yes. Did you invent it?"

"Yes—well, technically no, it's modified from a tome by one of the older Sorcerer Supremes, but the way she wrote was so incomprehensible that it's like the way people used to write recipes, no measurements, more of a guide than anything, so I had to adapt quite heavily and then it's meant to work on spirits, not whatever you are, but I think I've got a version that should be generally applicable to all supernatural—hey. Aren't we supposed to be fighting to the near-death?"

"I like listening to you talk about it, though."

"…Ugh. Gross."

"I mean, do we have to?"

"Have to what?"

"Fight today. Can't you just finish telling me about your spell of unbelievable agony and then get distracted by realizing there's a way to do it better or differently, like you always do?"

"…I do not always do that."

"No. Only most of the time."

"…Fine. Just this once, though. I don't want this to become a habit. And only because it is a really interesting spell."

"…You're going to try it on me when you think I'm not paying attention, aren't you?"

"Probably. I mean, what's the point of having invented it if I don't get to try it out?"

"All right. I'll even let you. But you have to sit down and finish telling me about it first."

"It's not really fun if you let me."

"I'll pretend to act shocked by your sudden, completely unexpected betrayal?"

"Are you any good at acting?"

"I'm great at it. I act human all the time."

"Yes, but you're terrible at that."

"What?!"

"When was the last time you took a breath?"

"…Oh. I forgot again. I can't believe you all have to do that constantly."

"You see what I mean?"

"Well, if you time it right, I really will be surprised to suddenly go from pleasant conversation to—not yet!"

"No? But you were just getting lulled into a false sense of security."

"Too early. Your timings all wrong."

"It isn't and you know it. You just don't want this to end."

"…I don't. A little more? Please?"

"Sure. Where was I? The Sorcerer Supreme's instructions. So I took the general guidelines of what she'd written, which was a really interesting treatise on torturing spirits, she was not one of the nicer people to hold that position and—spiritus coruscent!"

"Oh look, betrayal."

"…That isn't hurting you, huh?"

"Doesn't seem to be. Very pretty effect, though. All these little sparkles."

"Where did I go wrong…"

"Hey, Agatha."

"Mm?"

"You know what does hurt?"

"What? Oh, yes, I see, you have a knife. Very original."

"It gets the point across. …Get it?"

"…I'm sorry every day that I ever taught you what a pun was."

"You're about to be sorry for more than that."

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"Why?"

"…Help me diagnose what went wrong with the spell first?"

"The agony-inducing spell?"

"That's the one."

"So you can make sure it induces agony on me next time?"

"Yes—hey, there's no need for that! I have organs there!"

"You'll heal. I promise. It isn't your time, remember?"

"But consider—if you help me fix the spell, you get to sit around and watch me tinker with magic instead of us trying to kill each other. Wouldn't that be better?"

"…Okay."

"Good. Great. That's settled then. And no one even had to get stabbed."

"You know you're such a coward when you're losing?"

"What makes you think I'm losing?"

"…what?"

"Nothing. Now, going back to first principles—"

Go read the Ritual of the Rose, now up to Chapter 3, for more Agatha/Rio ex-girlfriend shenanigans or The Present for something angstier

[gin-juice-tonic]

I've been thinking a lot about gender identity and stuff lately, but to my shame I’m not the most educated person when it comes to lgbt related stuff. Every time I try to search it to learn more I end up freaking out and clearing my browsing history because of the feeling of being watched. I know I’m being unreasonable, but it’s stronger than me. I don’t have anyone to ask about this kind of stuff. Everyone around me is negative about lgbt, I grew up among this negativity. I’m afraid to ask my online friends because I don’t want to seem ignorant or stupid. What have I decided to do? Send an anonymous ask to a stranger about my concerns (sorry about that), whose blog helped me to accept the fact that I might not be who I though I was at the first place. It feels more safe. Back to the point.

As a teen I used she/they pronouns and a different gender-neutral name online for years. I still do it as an adult and now I realise that “she” was more like a compromise for me because it was what I used to be referred as for my whole life, but didn’t feel quite comfortable with. So it’s they/them for me, I guess. Okay. I’ve always preferred to not be related to any gender, but now I see that there’s more to it. I might be a nonbinary, but what if I’m actually an agender? I also consider the possibility of being a genderfluid because one moment I wear a dress and think that it looks good, and the other moment I cry in front of a mirror because of the idea of wearing it. So yeah, it depends on my mood. I don’t know how it works. I’m just so confused. The only thing I know that I’m not comfortable with being referred to as a female anymore. I’ve never really been.

Admittedly, as someone who is binary trans, I do not have a lot of knowledge in this area. I do know what it’s like to not know what you’re “supposed to be” though. And I know it can be frustrating and scary to be lost in trying to figure out your own identity. 

I asked some of my friends, who are nonbinary and genderfluid themselves, and the first thing we all have to say is you should allow yourself more kindness. I am sorry that you grew up around so much negativity. But I want you to know that it’s both okay to feel afraid but also okay to not know everything. If a friend is going to treat you badly for asking questions, they’re not a very good friend. 

One of my friends says the part you said about “making compromises” resonated a lot with them a lot, so you aren’t alone there. As for how you feel in a dress, clothes do not equal gender. You can like how you look in a dress without any of it having to do with girl-ishness. I suggest you try to think about why you like it when you do, and why you don’t when you don’t. My friends also suggested trying other clothes you can express yourself with. Think about why you like them, or why you don’t like them. (Of course, sometimes the answer has nothing to do with gender. I like athletic clothing because they make me look sporty, which is a neutral thing. But it’s good to know what parts aren’t related to gender at all too.) That extends beyond clothes too, any part of your presentation that you think you can play with without getting yourself into danger, you should. 

It’s tempting to feel like you have to scramble to figure out a label. Especially when advice and other people you can talk to can feel sort of “grouped” under them. And there’s a lot of knowledge to be gained that way for sure. But there’s a lot of knowledge to be gained just in figuring out what you do and don’t like. What makes you feel bad, what makes you feel at ease, what makes you super excited. You‘ve got it nailed down that you don’t like being called a female, that’s not a bad start! 

If your friends are people you think are good and kind, I would suggest reaching out to them so that you can explore things a little more with them, considering they know you better than I would. I know it's scary, but there's nothing wrong with not knowing things, and I hope they'd be aware of that too. And even if you call yourself something now and explore more into it, there's no harm if in the future it doesn't fit so good. There's no wrong way to be a gender, and more importantly there's no wrong way to be you.