#are as horrifying as they are impractical

[giddlygoat]

last night while getting ready for bed i was paranoid af because i had stumbled upon a disturbing youtube short [i hate its algorithm and have been thoroughly reminded of this!] and not only did my shampoo bottle have the AUDACITY to randomly make a loud popping sound while i was brushing my teeth, but my lotion bottle also fell off the shelf and scared me again. i had to sleep with the lights on. it was rough

[godzexperiment]

silly little thoughts-

something about the angels in d.ominion really like 'i value my vibe over being practical' with their clothes sometimes *shhh i know costuming etc but i like to think it's an Choice* (there is no way having long cloaks,etc while flying isn't kinda hazardous/annoying as fuck) is *chefs kiss*

[angels-in-overcoats]

I think the most horrible part of batch 89 is how impractical they are. What possible purpose could you wish to achieve from surgically grafting wheels to a walrus or implanting a steel muzzle into a rabbits face? It's just pure sadism. Cruelty for the sake of cruelty. And it's horrifying.

[cassolotl]

UK government planning to scrap a major disability benefit

I'm only just scraping by and the government are proposing to take away PIP (a disability benefit), which would be HALF of my income wiped out.

"Reforms to personal independence payments (PIP) could include stopping regular cash payments, and instead offering claimants one-off grants for things like home adaptations." -- "Disabled people face end to monthly benefits cash", BBC News, 29 April 2024

And:

"The plans, which will be consulted on over the coming months, also include proposals to “move away from a fixed cash benefit system”, meaning people with some conditions will no longer receive regular payments, but instead access to treatment if their condition does not involve extra costs." -- "People with depression or anxiety could lose sickness benefits, says UK minister", Guardian, 29 April 2024

That's what the NHS is supposed to be doing...

Genuinely absolutely terrifying.

Can anyone living in the UK join in with an (hopefully!) overwhelming cascade of unique emails to their MP opposing this? WriteToThem.com makes it very quick and easy.

They're proposing to replace it with one-off grants that the individual can apply for, which is absurd and horrifying, so feel free to point out how that won't work as well!

Here's what I'm writing, and do not just copy-paste my letter/email, because that makes it less legit. Do your own thing, even just one sentence telling your MP that you're opposed is enough if that's all you can manage. Whatever you want to say is what your MP needs to hear.

Dear [MP's name], Today I learned that the government plan to scrap PIP, and maybe replace it with something like a one-off grant application process, before the next election. ("Disabled people face end to monthly benefits cash", BBC News, 29 April 2024: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cn0ry09d50wo) PIP is about half of my income (about 44%). I don't spend it on occasional large purchases, I spend it on countless things that are more expensive for me than they are for other people. PIP is in place to acknowledge, as it says in the above article, that disabled people's lives are more expensive than non-disabled people's lives by hundreds of pounds per week. ("Previous research from Scope suggests households with at least one disabled adult or child face an estimated average extra cost of £975 a month to have the same standard of living as non-disabled households." That's £225 per week, and the maximum amount of PIP you can get is £184.) So firstly, it could be argued that PIP doesn't even cover the additional expenses of the average disabled household. And next, the cost of implementing an alternative system would be worse for disabled people, totally unsuited to its purpose, and more expensive to run. Worse for disabled people: Currently PIP acknowledges that being disabled takes a lot more work to maintain a comparable standard of living, and as it's an amount of work that the claimant cannot sustainably do, they are given money so that they can pay someone else to do it. These costs are distributed across all living expenses, in addition to occasional one-off purchases of e.g. mobility aids. Having to apply for one-off payments for expenses would be more work on top of that, so if the disabled person isn't able to do it (which is very likely) they will either have to work less in their day jobs in order to spend more time applying for one-off grants, or they will have to also apply for one-off payments to pay someone to apply for more one-off payments. This is self-evidently a waste of energy and time, and totally impractical, as well as being counter to the entire point of disability benefits. It would also be extremely undignified for the disabled people, and arguably against human rights (right to private life and dignity), to have to justify each purchase to the government. Totally unsuited to its purpose: One off-grants are not suited to ongoing higher expenses such as having to buy more prepared food (e.g. carrot batons are more expensive than raw carrots and go off much more quickly). Does this policy assume that disabled people's PIP is only for things like wheelchairs and walking sticks? More expensive to run: The system for PIP applications is already fairly backlogged, in that my last application took over 6 months to complete. I was awarded PIP for 10 years. If every application for a one-off grant had to be accompanied by an application of a similar scale that wouldn't be workable, so presumably an initial PIP application like the current system's would still be required to qualify for the system in the first place, and then following that, numerous smaller applications for money (e.g. for taxis, pre-chopped veg, painkillers, specialist clothing, etc.) would be carried out per person per month. The disability benefits system would have to be scaled up significantly, and it would be much more expensive. It is far cheaper to give people a set amount of money based on their needs; it's the same money that you would be giving them in grants anyway, but without having to process each purchase/one-off application. I implore you to oppose this proposal. It is blatantly unworkable to the level of absurdity, but more importantly it is inhumane. I look forward to your reply detailing your stance. Many thanks in advance. Yours sincerely, [My name]

But, again, if you can't manage anything long or complicated like that, your best is good enough. Even if they're not all perfectly written and detailed, we want to bowl them over with sheer quantity of emails.

[raynewolferune]

Battle of the Not It

Just me pushing my personal agenda that the Battle for the Cowl makes no freaking sense once again.

I want to see the Battle of the Not It, Nose Goes, Worst out of 126+ Rounds of Rock Paper Siscors Takes It, etc. Basically, the Batfam throwing down in Bruce's absence to Not Be The One Who Inherits (TM). No one wants dear dad's emo fursona but they all agree someone has to take it. The resulting Loser Gets Batmanned sibling war throws Gotham into chaos, Oracle's keeping score of everything, the one with the lowest score at the end of every week is stuck with Batman Duty the following week.

Damian hates loosing his swords everytime he gets stuck doing Batman. Tim can't stand losing his tech. Jason misses his guns. Cass hates having to talk on can't use words days. Staphanie hates doing the voice. Dick can't tolerate being unable to smile. Duke needs his freaking sleep. The list goes on because they've all agreed they hate to embody Bruce's Batman, no one can put their own flare on it (Gun!Batman will not happen on their watch and they won't risk any other equally horrible variation either.) The resulting sibling war takes place 24/7 in the masks and the criminals and citizens of Gotham are as awed as they are horrified by it.

The strangest alliances form and disolve week to week. Dick cheats whenever he gets close to loosing and dips out because "Bludhaven needs him." Cass flits off to China on a last minute mission when too many of her siblings start forming up an alliance against her. Steph breaks her leg (she says it's an accident but Tim has very vocal doubts about that). Tim, Duke, and Damien start teaming up against Jason frequently and Red Hood gets stuck doing Batman practically every other week. Other weeks, Jason picks one of them as Robin for his Batman week (rotating between them as revenge) and forces a temporary alliance to make another of them Batman for the next week. Alfred encourages the four's little rivalry and manages to finagle them into all staying in the manor full time with him.

Just Batfam bonding shenanigans over how much they all Do Not want to be Batman.

And when Bruce comes back Babs naturally has a highlight reel waiting for him. Some of the gems include: Steph in a cast with crutches say "oh no, I broke my leg, however will I be Batman now" in the most deadpan voice. Dick 'answering' an obviously turned off cell phone pretending it's an emergency calling him back to Bludhaven. Cass saluting the security camera as she leaves with a full duffle bag in the dead of night. Jason in the Batsuit, minus cowl, storming into the kitchen shouting "you little shits are conspiring against me!" As Tim, Duke, and Damien are crowded around the island with a bunch of documents clearing planning something. A heated game of Rock Paper Scissors between Dick, Jason, and Tim with the rest of the batkids watching (having already won their freedom from the cowl for the following week). Duke wearing the cowl and asking Oracle repeatedly over coms if it's time for bed yet. Damien throwing a full on tantrum trying to get out of wearing the physical cowl "it's unnecessary and impractical!"

Oracle sends him the reel a day after his return during the standard Justice League team meeting, helpfully projecting it so everyone can see. The reels starts with an argument in the Bat Cave between all of Batman's (previously unknown to the Justice League) children:

"Well, Dickhead, I guess this means you're it now." The clip starts with a red helmeted man speaking.

"The fuck?" Nightwing asks on screen.

"You're Batman now." The teenager with yellow bandoliers replies from where he sits in front of an enormous computer. A girl in purple and another in black both nod. (At this point, it begins to dawn on members of the Justice League that this is footage from the fabled Bat Cave they're seeing.)

"Oh, fuck that!" Nightwing answers. "Not it!" He shouts. The boy with the bandoliers jolts and then says seemingly reflexively.

"Nose goes!" Bandolier boy calls out hand shooting up and touching his nose as he speaks. Both girls and Nightwing react immediately following suit. A smaller boy with a sword copies them a half second later. The red helmeted man sputters.

"Wha-that-NO! NO NO NO NO NO! I am not the one! Fuck no!"

"You snooze you loose, Bro." Nightwings tells him.

There's a pause, red helmet starts laughing, pulls the helmet off slowly to reveal a red domino underneath, and lazily touches his nose with a sharp grin.

"You're right, Bro." He says teasingly. "And Signal's still sleeping." A short pause and then all the people on screen are laughing.

"Oh," bandoliers gasps out between giggles. "He is gonna be so pissed in the morning."

[ambrosiagourmet]

Has anyone requested Marcille for the ask meme? If not then pls

Marcille!!!!!!!!!

First impression

Gay? Interesting elf girl with a really good design for a female character oh my god thank you. She gets to wear pants!!! It's a miracle!

Impression now

BELOVED HALF-ELF OF MY HEART... most determined member of the party, maybe second only to Laios. Not that it's a competition.

Girl who carries the weight of her existence in her heart everywhere she goes. Girl who doesn't know how to just exist because that would mean surrendering to the things time will take away from her. Girl with bloody knuckles who clings too tightly to the things she loves because she remembers a time when she didn't realize what they meant to her.

Girl who must shape a life too big to hold all at once. Who stares into that impossible task so unflinchingly that you kind of want to tell her to run away from it for a bit. Be a bit more of a coward, Marcille! But she doesn't have time to be a coward!! She's hurtling towards her goals at terminal velocity. But the same love that keeps her tumbling forward also pulls her back from the brink. Because she's still figuring out the balance.

Favorite moment

Rabbit chapter... my god rabbit chapter.........

Genuinely maybe my favorite chapter in the whole manga. It hits such an incredible peak of humor and raw emotion and impossibly ridiculous situations and grounded believable character writing. And no part of it is separate from the others.

What a fucking chapter. And what a fucking thesis for why Marcille is such a good character. Her being ridiculous and her being incredibly determined and her being powerful and her being scared are ALL part of her. Man. Marcille. She will do anything to pull through for her friends.

And then on top of it the way the Lion takes advantage of this moment to pull her strings. Which is just. So horrifying to watch because you want someone to give her a hug but all the people who would give her a hug are currently DEAD and she's left in a room along and exhausted with a manipulative, abusive, hungry opportunist. God. God. I love Rabbit Part II So Very Much.

Idea for a story

Umm hi sorry I am still busy thinking about Rabbit Part II. Please enjoy some shameless self promotion while I go lie down for a bit.

Unpopular opinion

She's bisexual!!!!! Normally I don't hold so fast to like "well canonically this character was into A Man so she can't be a lesbian blah blah blah" but it does bum me out that people ignore her succubus because I really do think that bi Marcille deserves more love. It doesn't make her any less into women sheesh.

Favorite relationship

Sorry I was thinking about Rabbit Part II again what was the question? Favorite relationship?

Yeah I dunno maybe Marcille and Laios? I kinda like the part where they rely on each other because there is no other way through and share an unnamed intimacy born in blood and bone and the way that they place impossible burdens on each other and owe each other their lives many times over and neither holds it against the other or asks for the repayment of debts that can never be repaid, choosing instead to keep walking into the future by each others sides because what else can you do. What else can you do.

They are pretty cool I guess. I'm normal about them though. Haha.

Favorite headcanon

I imagine that castle staff help Marcille with her hair on a day-to-day basis because leaving it just to personal friends and family would probably be impractical. But also I think Chilchuck, Laios, Falin, and also especially KABRU all learn enough to help her with it. I think that the first three learn some basic nice stuff but I think Kabru would get really into it.

That man could absolutely intensely hyperfixate on something like "nice hairstyles from another culture" for three to six months and come out the other side an expert.

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

Fic prompt: character A falls asleep on character B, who needs to get up to get something but doesn’t want to disturb character A and therefore comes up with a maybe impractical solution to get the thing they need without waking up character A

There was kind of a lot going on when Ed was startled awake.

He registered the horrifying crash that had woken him up, the tail end of Stede's aww dammit, and, in pretty much the same moment, an awful gurgling noise caused by Ed reflexively jabbing his arm into Stede's throat in an attempt to curtail some imagined attacker.

"Stede!" Ed yelped, scrambling up from his formerly-comfortable spot curled in Stede's lap to straddle his hips, checking for damage. "Are you okay?"

"I was okay," Stede hissed, prodding at the tender red spot on his throat with his forefinger, "before you slammed your entire body weight into my throat, you nut!"

"Sorry." Ed grimaced, bending to press a kiss over the spot. Thankfully, the angle hadn't been very good, and his flailing had hit him mostly by accident. "What was that noise?"

Stede went quiet, starting to get a tinge of pink around the tips of his ears. "I needed to blow out the light," he said mildly.

"Blow out the...?" Ed shifted himself back into Stede's lap, flinging his legs over his thighs so he could see - oh, what the fuck.

Ed blinked at the pile of debris scattered around the side table next to their couch. Crumpled up paper balls, pillows, and a couple heavy books (what must have woken Ed up, he guessed) lay in a haphazard pile around the table, the oil lamp still burning merrily amidst the wreckage.

Ed immediately started laughing his head off, and, to his relief, Stede started laughing, too, his head falling to Ed's shoulder, pressing a kiss to the bare skin there between his laughs. "You're lucky you didn't start a fire, babe! Why did you think that would work?"

"I mean, it really doesn't need you to blow that hard," Stede shrugged, a hand landing easily, possessively, over Ed's hip in a way that just made him purr. "So I thought, you know, maybe the gust from something flying overhead..."

"Did you try -"

"Yes," Stede said, "I tried blowing from here."

He tried again, just blowing ineffectually into space, and Ed joined in to no avail. Stupid oil lamp just kept burning.

"Damn," Ed wheezed, breathless from his heroic attempt to blow out the light from across the room. "Why didn't you just get up?"

Stede brushed a strand of hair behind Ed's ear, his eyes crinkling with the softest smile in the world, the one he reserved just for Ed. "You were sleeping so well."

Fuck, but if it was possible for love to kill, Ed would've died ages ago.

"Alright," he said, straddling Stede's lap again and wrapping his arms around his neck. "I'll show you how it's done, watch. Just take me with you."

Stede laughed, pressing a kiss to his cheek before hoisting him up. Ed buried his giggles into the side of Stede's neck, wrapping his legs tight around his waist as Stede hobbled them over to the lamp. He held it up for Ed to blow out, and Ed loved him so much that the room stayed golden even when it was out.

"See?" Ed wrapped his arms tighter around Stede's neck, cuddling into his chest. "Wasn't so hard, was it?"

[three--rings]

I finished reading Dungeon Meshi (aka Delicious in Dungeon, but it seems people kinda hate that translation).

Highly recommended. Like, I didn't know what to expect going in. I'd gotten the impression that the manga was kinda dark and disturbed, actually, from things I'd heard.

So I wasn't prepared for the wholesome, light-hearted tone of most of it. Found family dnd party gets into trouble and eats weird ass meals.

It seems like a lot of people focus on "oh it's not all fun and games, it's like HEAVY and shit" but it's very much both. It's very funny and very wholesome and also lots of (light) body horror and About Horrifying Things.

It never gets bogged down in it. I was kinda waiting for when Shit Got Real and the tone took a turn, but that never actually happens. It remains funny and absurd and warm even in the midst of horrors. At least half the characters don't realize they're actually experiencing anything horrible. And the others are mostly annoyed by the horrors more than horrified. For them it's just an annoying work day.

I do absolutely LOVE the world-building here and have started thinking very impractical thoughts about trying to set a dnd campaign in this world. (Even though I Don't DM!) But imagine doing a campaign set in this world where the players don't know Dungeon Meshi and therefore get to be blindsided by How Dungeons Work and Why. (My favorite part of the whole thing.)

I'm really looking forward to watching the anime now I've finished the manga. The bits I've seen look so perfect!

I may come back and do a full rec post for it after that. If I remember.

[autumnmobile12]

About the Infant Skull in the Belmont Hold

Trigger Warning: Sensitive topics below.

In a post I made last year, I pointed out the small skull in this display is case belongs to a baby.

The 'crack' down the center of the forehead is a frontal suture which closes between the ages of three to nine months, and to showcase the fact it's not just a cracked bone, the animators included a fontanelle between the bony plates of the skull, which closes before the age of two.

There is the skull of an infant in the Belmont Hold.

So what's the story here?

Theory 1: The Skull is a Vampire

This could have been a human baby that was turned by a vampire for whatever reason. Maybe this was some vampire's twisted idea of a pet. Maybe it was a horrifying, psychological trauma where a human woman lost her baby and after becoming a vampire, turned an infant into a vampire so as to never experience that pain again whilst tragically blind to the fact an immortal infant would never grow up.

If either of these were the case, whichever Belmont found this child could have viewed his or her death as a mercy. Since the baby would be immortal, it would be impractical to keep it alive forever, not to mention almost cruel because what kind of life is that? And it would be equally inhumane to leave the vampire to starve to death, so the options are limited.

The skull was brought home not as a trophy but as a specimen to study and serve as a grim reminder of a harsh reality.

...

Theory 2: The Skull is a Dhampir

Carmilla's above comment gives me the vague impression that it's not unheard of for a vampire to have a child with a human and then turn the human into a vampire, creating a family unit. (Just the way she says it. Like the unspoken line was, "You married a human, you succeeded in getting a child off her, so she was free to become a vampire after, no?" Turning Lisa after Adrian was born was the next natural step in her mind, so it baffles Carmilla why Dracula's wife remained human.) So maybe dhampirs are uncommon, but Alucard is far from the first one to ever exist.

So if the skull belonged to a dhampir like Alucard, this opens up another set of possibilities, but before I go into those, I want to address the Belmont Clan's potential view towards vampires and human-vampire hybrids. It's not clear if Alucard needs human blood to survive. He eats human food, but so do the vampires. Lenore comments they get their essential nutrients from blood, but whether or not this also pertains to dhampirs is up for debate. In the Gresit Underground Keep scene, it does look like he had some form of blood transfusion system possibly sustaining him, but this could arguably be a life and death situation. As in, he doesn't need blood to survive, but it can also save his life if need be.

There's also the possibility the blood-drinking is not the same across the board. (Say Alucard doesn't need blood to survive, but another dhampir was saddled with the shitty genetics that make blood a requirement.)

For the Belmonts, I can see dhampirs being a controversial subject. From Leon to Trevor's time, there are four centuries and countless individuals with their own set of similar but unique values and opinions, so it would be understandable for various Belmonts to have points of contention as well as shifts in viewpoint down the generations as new information about the enemy comes to light. Some members might have the stance of, "Dhampirs do not need blood to survive, are not a threat to humanity, and therefore it is unnecessary to hunt and kill them," while others may have taken the more extreme stance of, "Dhampirs are unnatural creatures that do not belong in this world any more than vampires do." Without the precedent of Alucard and Trevor having a common enemy, there would be nothing to sway the entire family one way or the other.

So if this is the case, the skull could have come from a vampire family similar to Dracula, Lisa, and Alucard's, and that family could have been discovered by a Belmont who made the decision to eradicate the them, including the dhampir for whichever reason:

The existence of dhampirs hadn't been discovered/confirmed yet, so the infant was assumed to be a vampire and it was viewed as a mercy killing out of ignorance. (Remember, Trevor thought Alucard was a vampire when they first met, so there is no visual difference between the two species.)

Dhampirs are assumed by the Belmonts to need blood to survive and are therefore a predator to humans that needs to be put down, again out of ignorance or just plain malice.

This particular Belmont was a heartless psychopath who had no qualms killing an innocent baby just for existing.

...

Theory 3: It's a Dhampir and the Belmonts Have a Really Fucked Up History With Dhampirs

There is also the possibility the mother of the dhampir child was a human woman that was raped and impregnated by a vampire. (Surviving somehow...?) In this scenario, there is a woman terrified by the idea she is about to birth a monster and goes to the local vampire experts for help. The Belmonts take her in until she delivers this unwanted child and the fate of the baby dhampir is entirely in their hands, which brings us back to the mentioned controversy among the family members.

If the mother abandons her 'monster' child, the Belmonts are left which the choice, "Do we kill it before it grows up to kill someone or do we give it a chance and let it live?"

Another possibility is the dhampir was brought up within the household for the purposes of 'studying' or 'rehabilitating' its nature. Say the family discovers dhampirs don't need to subsist on human blood and are relieved. "Wonderful. Dhampirs can live as humans and there is no need to kill them." The dhampir grows up happily among his or her adopted human family.

But then there is a tragic accident where he or she doesn't know their own strength and fatally harms a family member. The Belmonts then make the decision: Lock them up or execute them as a monster.

Based on this precedent, the family then closes off the idea that dhampirs can live as normal humans forever and they subsequently commit infanticide against any future dhampir children that cross their path, a blanket decision based entirely on a one-time misfortune.

Theory 4: The Belmonts Were Not the Cause

This again calls into question how dhampir physiology works, but maybe the infant died of an illness of failure to thrive. Alucard is strong and healthy, but that may not be same for other dhampirs, especially ones that may have been rejected as a 'freak' by both humans and vampires. He had the advantage of having a loving family and a safe environment in which to grow up. Other dhampirs might not have had the same good fortune and their health suffered for it. (Or they got dealt a bad hand in the gene pool.)

As for how the skull wound up in the Hold, it could have been one of the 'weird stuff' the Belmonts found and brought back home with them.

This could also apply to a situation where a vampire killed a rival family and kept their skulls as trophies, and the collection simply wound up in the Belmonts' treasury after destroying said vampire.

"It's like a museum dedicated to the extermination of my people, so no. Not thrilled."

Whatever the truth of the skull, I'm inclined to believe Theories 2 or 3 because this scene struck me as a very subtle nod to how no side in a war is completely innocent. On the one hand, vampires like Carmilla, Cho, Godbrand, etc. hunt and toy with humans for sport and view them as lesser beings, and so the Belmonts seeking to eliminate them would be an understandable measure to protect humanity.

On the other hand, the presence of the infant skull indicates a tragic and bloody history of poor choices, old prejudices, potential atrocities committed by the 'heroes,’ and generational trauma. A past history even Trevor isn't particularly proud of for all the pride he has in his lineage. It really showcases the line between man and monster and aligns with the recurrent theme of 'we can be better than this' that occurs throughout the series.

But let me know if you've got any theories/headcanons different from what I have listed above. I'd love to hear it. Crediting Theory 4 to @thetvpenigma. Thanks for your help!

[pavooko]

Void diver Baro suit // my hcs on Baro’s even more depressing childhood

1. Also I think he doesn’t usually ask someone to escort him to the void and relic-hunting that often cus he should be quite a professional in that area & stuff. And so I thought his default outfit was, in fact, impractical for solo work and thus came up with some “void-diving” suit design. It’s sort of a lighter and resistant attire, which suits perfectly for fast and silent motion, since Baro probably doesn’t rely on sheer force and simply prefers sneaking around and quietly taking everything he needs without drawing any attention.

2. I’ve been thinking about how did Baro Ki’Teer actually go from being a tiny horrified orphan to the Void Trader himself.

Aaaand I think it all might’ve began with some "good" actually bad very bad without redemption guys saving him from the Grineer on Mars….. only to take him to the rest of the orphans they had picked up from across the origin system just to have them as crew members who’d dive into the void and collect relics for them so these smugglers could sell the treasures.

The thing is that the smugglers knew some Tenno-kids rumors and thought like “why risking our lives when we can drop there some kids maybe the void will be as merciful to them as it was to those kids from the ship??”

From one side it actually worked and the kids usually returned to the ship with their sacks full of relics and treasures. However, when those very kids were too careless or attempted to take too much of the void-given treasures… well… there was a huge chunk of childhood trauma for the rest of the divers when things like this happened

[spaceorphan18]

Polin Fic : Twenty-Four Moments

A/N (Summary): Unsurprising to no one, I'm sure, I finally wrote my first Polin fic. A lot happens to Penelope in the infamous 24 hours within Episodes 4 and 5, and I wanted to explore everything she went through. I also wanted to challenge myself by writing some shorter/drabble like moments. (unbeta'd cause I just wanted to get it out into the world) So, here ya go! I hope you guys enjoy it!! :)

Rated: M for some light smut and a whole lot of feelings <3

****

I. 

The warm light of evening stemmed through her window.  Her bedroom remained still and quiet.  For a moment, time felt frozen, as if the entire world was on pause, holding its breath in anticipation for that evening.  

Penelope glanced up from her desk, taking a long moment to observe herself in the mirror.  

Did she even recognize herself anymore?  

The new clothes, the style of hair, the make-up on her face, couldn’t cover the fact that in her heart, she remained that Featherington girl.  That poor Featherington girl whose dreams, whose ambitions, whose life was always deemed too impractical.  

It did not matter anymore.  In twenty-four hours, she would be engaged.  She would be the next Lady Debling.  She would have all that she could realistically ever ask for.  She would retain her privacy.  She could keep writing at her leisure.  She would have house and home and possibly even children.  

And yet….

Penelope’s heart sank as she tore her eyes away from the mirror. 

Lady Penelope Debling.  An esteemed name.  An honorable name.  She hated the sound of it.  

II. 

Her sisters once again squawked about babies.  The subject was always on the tip of the tongue in the Featherington household, and the entire carriage ride to the ball, it was the only topic of conversation.  It was as insufferable as it was horrifying contemplating them as mothers.  

Penelope stared out the window, her anxiousness overcoming any desire to bite back at their stupidity.  

Her mother placed an unusually soft hand over her arm and leaned in towards her ear.  “You’re so lucky that Lord Debling is so dashing, Penelope.  I fear what your children might look like had he been any lesser.”  She let out a satisfied laugh as she patted Penelope’s arm. 

The knot in Penelope’s stomach tightened.  

III. 

She could not escape her mother’s clutches.  Could not hope for a moment for herself.  There was no safety along the wall she so often felt comfortable against.  

Still, the haunting performance allowed her a moment to glance over the room. 

Violet Bridgerton stood on the balcony; radiating out the warm, motherly quality her own mother lacked.  

Benedict Bridgerton was in the far corner, snickering and giggling as he downed a drink with a lady hung on his arm. 

Francesca Bridgerton stood composed and calm, leaning slightly on her side towards Lord Kilmartin. 

Eloise… Well, she wouldn’t dare think of Eloise; even if she knew Eloise was an arms length behind her, too busy confounding her with her friendship with Cressida Cowper.  

She scanned the crowd as she always did -- yet no familiar eyes lit up in her direction… 

Of course he wasn’t there. She did not know what kept Colin away that night.  But of course he would be absent when she met her inevitable fate.  

IV. 

The thing about Lord Debling was that he was secure in his dance.  He held her properly, confidently, and comfortably.  He was noble in stature, yet gentle in approach.  His smile was pleasing and his eyes kind.  A perfect gentleman.  A good match.  

He guided her around the dance floor with ease; even after she began to stumble.  Even after her resolve began to break.  Even after she could no longer truly meet in him the eye. 

Her life was about to be full.  And yet her chest felt hollow.

V. 

There were a lot of emotions she had felt for Colin Bridgerton over the years. 

Anger was new.  

How was it that he continued to find new ways to break her heart? 

VI. 

“I did not ask if it was a possibility, I asked if you’d like it to be.” 

Words, sentences, thoughts, ideas, things she was so good expressing once again stalled in her chest.  If only she could get out the correct answer.  Yet, her body betrayed her. Her ever aching heart betrayed her.  The feeling deep in her soul that knew the shackles of that unrequited love would forever weigh her down reflected on her face.  She deflated in resignation.  

If there was any silver lining to the humiliation - it was the fact that at least she no longer needed to keep up the facade.  The only way Lord Debling could have been a reality was if she hardened her heart.  

Maybe this was the push her heart needed.

VII. 

She didn’t make it to the carriage before breaking down.  

The ironic thing, she thought as the door closed, fully allowing her to sob privately, was that even though she would be forced to write about her foolishness yet again, at least she still had Lady Whistledown.  

At least she still had an escape.  At least she could still create her own refuge and retreat back into the shadows where she belonged.

VIII.

She had, perhaps, looked into Colin’s eyes a thousand times before.  She had seen his kindness, his humility, his empathy.  She had seen laughter, she had seen sympathy, she had even dared to see fondness.  She had seen sadness and boredom and distraction and irritation.  She had seen his protectiveness and, on occasion, even his passion.  And on one particular afternoon long ago an amusing sort of humiliation.  

Colin’s eyes were comforting and familiar, in the way one grows fond of looking into the depths of the ocean after a storm has passed and feels safe and calm.  

But in his eyes tonight? There were things she had never seen before. 

Hunger, desire, longing, lust… love? 

It was as if she saw herself reflected in his eyes, and it shook her to her core.  

Her own eyes fluttered shut.  She was done looking.  She wanted more.  

IX. 

Her body felt aflame.  

She felt him everywhere; his breath hot on her skin, his mouth hungry at her breast, his hand stroking fervently in places she never dreamed would feel so good.  They were connected in the most intimate of ways and yet even that didn’t feel enough.  She wanted to melt into him, like snow on spring grass.  

It was all overwhelming, all too much, and yet her body ached for more. 

She pulled him closer, nudging his cheek so that their lips could meet once again.  A groan escaped into his mouth as their tongues met.    

She wanted nothing more than to stay in that moment forever. 

X. 

The carriage may have stopped, but her world continued to spin.  

There was a burst of laughter between the two of them and even with the tangle of emotions, she felt grounded again.  He was still her Colin.  She would always be his Pen.  He was still her dearest friend.  

And yet now, as he tenderly put her back together again, something more.  

With a soft, mischievous look, he was out of the carriage, his hand held high - waiting for her.  She didn’t�� know what it meant, but she would follow him to the ends of the Earth if he asked.  But what came out of his mouth next was something in a thousand years she would have never expected. 

“For god’s sake Penelope Featherington, are you going to marry me or not?” 

XI. 

Walking into Bridgerton house felt like a hazy dream.  She felt as though she were floating, as if at any moment, she would wake up, and be in her own bed.  

Colin’s hand felt solid and firm in her own, the only tether to reality.  

She walked into the drawing room, terrified.  This house was once the home she wished had been her own.  And now she would officially be a part of it.  It did not feel real.  

She didn’t fully hear Colin’s announcement, nor Francesca’s kind words.  She could barely register Hyacinth’s embrace.  But it was Lady Violet that did her in.  Her acceptance meant more than the world.  She was finally home. 

XII.

It was Eloise who brought her world shattering back to reality.  Her words were like cold water thrown into her face, the iciness of which stung her very soul. 

She was not fully herself without Lady Whistledown.  She was also not fully herself without Eloise.  

She didn’t know how to reconcile being torn into so many pieces.  

XIII. 

He offered to walk her home.  She didn’t need an escort, not when she lived just across the way.  She had been alone in much more frightening places, but his insistence was endearing.  And, truth be told, she didn’t want to leave his side.  

She held his arm as they slowly made their way.  No words passed between them, only giddy looks and shared giggles.  

A long moment passed between them as they stood at her door.  He gently brushed the hair off her forehead, traced one delicate finger down her cheek.  

“I will see you in the morning?” How odd of a question, as if he was unsure of her answer.  

She nodded.  “Yes, of course.”  

He grinned proudly, taking a moment to look around to secure that they were alone before drawing in for a sweet kiss.  

It took her breath away.  He always took her breath away. 

XIV. 

Even home and settled, her mind remained abuzz.  She couldn’t sleep but she could write, and write she did, scribbling away as the evening slipped into early morning.  

Her quill scratched across the parchment, writing such delectable words.  

She only paused once, staring in somewhat disbelief at the words she had written on the page.  

…it may come to a surprise to all that Mr. Bridgerton’s rumored assistance in helping Miss Featherington find a husband has, instead, led to the two of them finding each other… 

She bit her lip, not helping the wide grin as she replayed Colin’s proposal in her mind.  

She wished she could see the looks on the ton’s faces when they read her column in the morning.  

XV. 

It was the birds that awoke her, their happy songs in the golden sunlight bringing her from sleep.  In truth, she could have stayed in bed much longer, but for the first time in forever, she truly wished to be in reality more than the fantasies that often occupied her dreams. 

She cuddled into her pillow, thinking about how on this bright new morning, she was indeed about to become a wife.  But not just anyone’s wife.  Colin’s wife.  Colin Bridgerton would be her husband.  

An electric shiver ran throughout her body at the thought. 

She closed her eyes and once again traveled back to the previous night.  She once again could hear all of Colin’s honeyed words, feel his desperate lips on her skin, the sureness of his hand between her legs…

She let out a tiny moan.  How ever would she be able to function that day?

XVI. 

Her sisters were easy enough to avoid -- they were loud as they left, their doting husbands dutifully trailing behind them.  Her mother, on the other hand, would be a force she had to meet head on.  

Would it be too much to ask for her to be happy with the news? Could she not, for a moment, give out the same warmth, the same kindness, the same joy that Lady Bridgerton bestowed upon her just hours earlier?  Could she just for once accept Penelope for who she was?  Why was it - even when she was feeling on top of the world - there was always the fear that her own mother would be the one who toppled her over? 

She braced herself, taking a deep breath in and holding her head high as she entered the drawing room. 

XVII. 

She once again remained dazed as Colin escorted her into the small home.  Was there a limit to how much he could surprise her? Would there be an end to the utter shock she felt? Would she ever stop falling more and more in love? 

He defended her against her mother, a moment that would remain seared in her brain forever.  And now, he casually brought her into his home.  Into their home.  Into the house they would live in.  Together.  

She could have easily dismissed everything she had felt last night as a one-time fantasy.  Some dream she conjured up by her imagination only to be dashed away when she retained her sensible mind.  But that would not be the case.  

Because today, because now in the brightness of the early afternoon, it all felt real.  Too real.  Too raw.  So unbelievable that she could barely process it.  

What else more could he possibly give her? 

XVIII. 

“Pen…”

“...yes?...” 

“I would like…I…”

“Anything, Colin.” 

“I am ready for you to touch me… Here, let me guide your hand.” 

“What…why are you laughing?” 

“It’s just that, you are so delicate in your touch.  You can be rougher if you like.” 

“Won’t I hurt you?” 

“You could never hurt me.” 

“Like this…is this good? I don’t quite know what I’m doing.” 

“It’s wonderful, Pen, just keep…yeah….” 

XIX. 

They continued to trade slow kisses, no longer hurried or heated, but calm and anchoring.  She relaxed into his embrace, feeling safer and more connected in his arms.  She had thought she had known what love was.  Thought she had known all its depths and all its intricacies.  But this new kind of love was surreal, as if it existed outside her plane of existence.  

His hand trailed over her skin sending a spark to her heart with each touch.  His fingers danced over her breast, stopping for a moment to be playful with a nipple.  She arched into him with a groan, raking one hand through his hair as she hiked one leg over his, lamenting the fact that he no longer was buried deep inside her.  His kiss deepened, and it was remarkable that she did not combust with ecstasy yet again…

XX.

“Penelope Featherington, you should not look at me like that.” 

She couldn’t help but stare as he rushed to clothe himself.  He had never seemed so handsome to her in that odd state of half undress.  If only she could be that fabric that clung so needily against his skin.  

“Isn’t a wife allowed to look at her husband?” 

A charming grin spread across his face.  “You are not yet my wife,” he gently teased.  

“No, but I long to look at you all the same.” 

His smile faltered as he looked at her with bewilderment.  

She was his.  She had always been his.  But it began to dawn on her that maybe he had always been hers as well.  They did not need to exchange marriage vows to belong to each other.  

XXI.

The Queen’s notice was heavy in her hand.  Even as Colin snuck a tiny nibble to her neck, she could not stave off the sense of dread growing in her stomach.  

XXII.

“It has been quite the day, has it not?” 

Colin helped her out of the carriage, ever the gentleman as he took her hand. It felt almost too simple a gesture for all that had happened between them, yet she took it willingly.  He kissed her hand and yet she couldn’t help but look up at him, wishing they weren’t bound by the rules of society.  How much she longed to kiss his lips once again.  

“Quite the day, indeed,” she managed to say.  

Colin moved in, whispering close into her ear.  “I love you, Pen.” 

She felt too dumbstruck to say it back.  But she felt it.  She radiated it.  He had to know, right? She was a writer of words, and yet she would never fully be able to express the depth of her love to him.  

“We’ll be together again soon.”  He dared sneak a gentle kiss to the top of her head.  

Somehow, the air around her grew colder as he left.  

XXIII.

The house she left was not the same house she came back to.  Something had shifted in the air.  Something had changed.  She had changed.  But she wasn’t the only one.  

Her sisters were one thing, with their pregnancies and their husbands and their uncomfortable commentary about Lady Whistledown.  They remained ignorant and occupied and could not sense that she was not the same person she had been just hours earlier.  

But her mother was different, too.  Her attempt at kindness felt troubling.  She did not trust it.  What scheme could she possibly be up to? It was doubtful that Portia Featherington could have actually found her heart.  But other improbabilities becoming realities had surprised her.  

XXIV.

The darkness of the evening light dimmed the room.  Penelope hardly noticed as she was too lost in thought to consider it.  She wrote away in her journal, wanting to document everything that had happened in the past twenty-four hours.  What a whirlwind it had been, and she wasn’t quite sure all of it had happened.  

She happened to glance up and catch herself in the mirror.  She didn’t look any different.  She was still her.  Still Penelope.  Still Lady Whistledown, though she tried her best to ignore the unsettling feeling brought about by that title.  Still the girl who had hopes and dreams even if she now better understood how love can reverberate through your world and change it so fundamentally.  

She was still Penelope Featherington. And even if she was still, maybe, unsure of who that was, even if she was learning that a sense of self was no longer a stable thing, she no longer scorned that name.  

Besides, soon she would become Penelope Bridgerton.  And with that, a sense of hope stayed firm within her, even if she sensed a growing shadow in her world.  Yes, she would be Mrs. Penelope Bridgerton. A comforting warmth spread in her heart at the thought.  

[that-irrelevant-ricecakeaddict]

SIC PARVIS MAGNA {Charac. Profiles Pt.1}

an au by @that-irrelevant-ricecakeaddict & @seventhcallisto

SERIES MASTERLIST, Charac. Profiles Pt.2

Reader: Kang Y/N

[21 years old]

>Forensic science student at Okja Central College

>Lives in Seoultham with her elder brother, Kang Taehyun, who travels often for work but helps to pay for expenses

>One of the 2 registered residents staying at Felony Alley, Halazia Apartments

-Level 3, unit 03-01

>Works as a convenience store cashier and a lab assistant at the college when she's not in lectures or class

>Parents were killed during a break-in at their childhood home and town that her and Taehyun chose to move out of when Taehyun had enough money to take them somewhere else (Seoultham was the cheapest option)

>Rides a bike everywhere, despite how often it gets damaged or has its parts stolen by the many thieves roaming the alleys

Kim Hongjoong {Lucky Quinn}

[25 years old]

(based on Harleen Quinzel, Harley Quinn)

Backstory: Grew up in Seoultham and started studying psychology in college at a young age. At 17, he was kidnapped by and experimented on by notorious Seoultham villain The Joker. He was eventually forced to take a serum derived from the same chemicals that drove Joker insane and bleached his skin. Naturally, Hongjoong suffered from the same effects and even developed a sick admiration for the villain. He did everything and anything he could in an attempt to earn Joker's trust and approval. However, Joker and his other followers would often ostracise and abuse him, eventually kicking him out to the streets to die after a few years. Luckily for him, his childhood friend Mingi found him and took him in. With Mingi's help, Hongjoong was able to gain back some sanity and somewhat integrate back into society. Well...the society that he had known for the past few years, at least. He founded Birds of Prey with Mingi.

>Unemployed to avoid being detected by the government

>"Kim Hongjoong" was classified as dead after getting kidnapped by the Joker, so he's known by local law enforcement as mad vigilante Lucky Quinn

>Adopted his alias from his psychology professor, Prof. Quinzel, who had been with him when Joker came to kidnap him. Professor Quinzel was killed in the process, and Hongjoong wanted to honor her

>Still a little messed up in the head, but tame in comparison to how he was when he was still under Joker

>Spends his time either at New World Underground Crime Ring or back and forth between the other members' homes

>Known in the crime scene as a dangerous and violent vigilante who crashes illegal dealings and ongoing crimes, but is highly unpopular with the police for his impulsive behaviour often causing a lot of collateral damage in the city

>Learned how to fight from living with Joker for years

>Captain of the team

>Despite his impulsive and unpredictable nature, hes very caring and understanding of his members (even though their clumsiness causes him trouble occasionally)

Song Mingi {Flying Fox}

[23 years old]

(based on Barbara Gordon, Batgirl)

Backstory: Child tech genius who grew up in Seoultham. From young, he was always very socially awkward and introverted due to how much time he spent inventing and programming. He built seemingly impractical but highly advanced machinery and programmes, which he would later on make use of as a vigilante. When Hongjoong, his only friend growing up, suddenly went off the grid, Mingi dropped everything to try to track him down. After a few years, he succeeded in finding Hongjoong and took him in. Horrified after hearing of Hongjoong's experience, he soon started the Birds of Prey with him in hopes of finding other like-minded outcasts who wanted to help keep Seoultham safe.

>Computer-science student at Okja Central College

>The only other registered resident at Felony Alley, Halazia Apartments

- Level 2, unit 02-01 (reader's downstairs neighbour)

>Learned martial arts as a kid and has photographic memory

>Due to his side gig of being a vigilante, he's quite busy, so he usually only attends online classes and lectures

>One of, if not the ONLY, Birds of Prey member thats on neutral terms with the police since he occasionally helps them with detective cases

>Tech support and happy pill of the team

>A little clueless on things that aren't related to fighting or tech, meaning that, more often than not, the members have to look after him because he himself won't

Park Seonghwa {Ivy}

[26 years old]

(based on Pamela Isley, Poison ivy)

Backstory: Moved to Seoultham at 17-18 to study biotechnology and plants there. He fell in love with his biotechnology professor and let her conduct experiments on him. After undergoing the experiment that permanently altered his DNA to that of a plant's, the professor lied about having an antidote and instead abandoned him and ran away. A 19 year old Seonghwa developed hatred of women and extreme trust issues, and started isolating himself and his plants from the world. For years, he hid away from society to learn about his new abilities, and would only leave his hiding places to go to bars to seduce people that he could bring home as food for his carnivorous plants. This was how he met Hongjoong, who had been bored and wandering the streets by himself. When trying to feed Hongjoong to his plants, he was taken aback by how the light-skinned man was more fascinated than afraid. Hongjoong talked about the Birds of Prey, and Seonghwa decided to join them. The two men bonded quickly due to shared experience and trauma of being betrayed and ruined by someone they admired.

>Certified plant biologist, works as a lab assistant at Okja Central College

>Knows and is friends with the old lady who owns Halazia Apartments, hence he stays in the basement from time-to-time

-the landlady and her daughter, Chungha, are the only women he's comfortable with (before meeting reader)

>When he's not fighting crime as Ivy, he's in his "human" form

-meaning most of the time, hes just a tall, thin and pale nerd with faded red hair, and very weak presence that is often ignored by people (in comparison to his true beauty as Ivy being too distracting and dangerous)

>Spends his free time experimenting with different plants and flowers, occasionally accidentally creates drugs that he gives to Hongjoong to sell for money

>Finds comfort in being able to look after the other members

(Park) Yeosang {Orphan}

[23 years old]

(based on Cassandra Cain, Orphan)

Backstory: His parents were contract killers from a secret society, and he was trained from a young age to be a highly-efficient killing machine. He was deprived of a normal childhood and did not fully learn to write or speak, hence his lisp when talking. Mingi had ran into a 19 year old Yeosang on accident while investigating the organisation's activities. He brought him back to the Birds of Prey because he felt sad seeing how isolated and hopeless Yeosang was with the organisation.

>Unregistered in Seoultham, or anywhere for that matter (hence the censored barcode in his profile card!)

>Spends his time either as a bodyguard for Hongjoong at New World, or following around Seonghwa and Mingi at Okja Central College

>Was only referred to as "Yeosang" while training with the secret society, so he doesn't have an official surname

>Was very quiet but clingy to Seonghwa when he first joined the team, leading to his cover story of being Seonghwa's younger brother (hence why he's sometimes referred to with the same surname 'Park')

>When fighting crime, nearly his entire face is covered

>Despite his unique and advanced set of skills, he dislikes using violence and often only uses it as a last resort

>Best fighter on the team

>Doted on and babied by the rest of the team

[ilovejohnwinchester]

I know it’s a popular headcanon, but I don’t think it makes sense for John to have used Sam as shtriga bait in 1x18 given the shtriga’s MO. The shtriga randomly chooses a family, then methodically feeds off the kids one by one. Dean and Sam are able to capitalize on this and use Homophobic Motel Kid as bait because his brother has already been attacked. But John has absolutely no reason to expect Sam in particular to be targeted out of a whole town full of kids, and it wouldn’t be very practical to sit around waiting for the shtriga to pick him at random. Not to mention, John’s next move is to get both kids out of dodge—also impractical if the goal is to have bait, since Sam being targeted would mean Dean is definitely next. It makes way more sense that John gambled on them NOT being targeted at random, was horrified when they were, and then chose to leave rather than set a trap like Dean and Sam would later do with Motel Kid.

[loving-n0t-heyting]

What would be funny about this insane floating pier the US wants to build for aid to gaza if the whole situation were not so horrifying: its some seasteading shit!! "What if we bypassed tricky problems of national sovereignty with an impractical floating construction project? Wouldnt that be cool,?" This is just ripped from the mainstays of technolibertarian microstate utopianising, as applied instead to aid during genocide. Defies belief there is nobody involved in the project who harbours some seasteading daydreaming themselves. Its so stupid it makes the mind reel

[haroldhighballjordan]

The Batfamily and Water Apparatuses

It’s time for another random, nonsensical DC post. Here are my indisputable headcanons regarding the batfamily’s preferred method of hydration while on patrol.

Bruce: Does not drink water. Much to Alfred’s absolute horror, this man goes out on patrol with no water whatsoever. And then he gets back to the Batcave and drinks, like, a single glass of it before passing out.

Barbara: Definitely has something sleek and practical that can attach easily to her utility belt. Like those disposable travel water pouches that hikers use, so she can lighten her load every time she finishes one. Also makes it easy for her to be that Mom Friend TM and share, since she can just rip one off and hand it to someone when they need it. Looking at you, Brucie boy.

Dick: Goes on patrol with the most impractical sports bottle. You know, the ones with the straws? And I’m not talking about the flippy straws that don’t spill when you tip them over, I’m talking about those long plastic straws with the caps on them. This one, to be specific:

It’s extremely obnoxious and everyone gets super annoyed with him because he constantly forgets it on random rooftops while on patrol and insists they have to go back and find it.

Jason: He has been using the same plastic Ice Mountain water bottle for the past several years. Like, he is literally refilling a crumpled plastic water bottle with the hoses on the back of peoples houses and it horrifies absolutely everyone. One night Babs was like, “Jason, please just let me buy you a water bottle,” and he was like 🤨 “I have a water bottle?”

Cass: Shares from Jason’s plastic water bottle. Shares from everyone’s water bottles, in fact. I promise I’m not trying to be lazy with this one; I genuinely think she does this. And if whoever is on patrol with her for some reason forgets their water bottle, she takes it as a personal offense, because they forget their water bottle. Now she’s going to dehydrate, and it’s all your fault.

Tim: The only one smart enough to have something along the lines of a CamelBak hydration bladder built into his suit. However, it’s almost never filled with water and contains something completely counterproductive. Like, it’s probably filled with Hawaiian punch, or something equally as stupid.

Duke: Similar to Barbara in terms of practicality, he has, like, small sports bottles that attach to his belt. The ones that marathon runners use. However, he also forgets to fill them up and clip them to his belt half the time he goes out on patrol. It’s okay though, because he works the day shift. And the small businesses in Gotham are very used to preparing water for The Signal in case he stops by to rehydrate. He’s made good friends with his most popular stops.

Steph: Similar to Dick in obnoxious absurdity, but even less practical. She literally goes on patrol with a purple glitter Starbucks collectible cup. This one, to be specific:

Also leaves it everywhere, but gets it returned to her by random civilians because it has “SPOILER” bedazzled on the front.

Damian: Like Father, like Son - does not bring water on patrol. Years of training under the League of Assassins, Heir to the Demon’s Head, Damian Wayne al Ghul is more than capable of surviving extended periods of time with minimal hydration. His body is in peak survivalist condition and he will not be weighed down by unnecessary items such as water-bottles… (he shares with Dick when no one’s looking).

[animentality]

I for one think they should be all of the above.

But what are you thinking?

Full description of my own personal assassin's shenanigans below.

Transcribed:

Twenty-three-year-old CEO Don Francisco wants one of the richest women in the world dead. Which one? Daphne Oakland: actress, model, heir to the Oakland financial empire, and unbeknownst to the general public, talented demon summoner. But since Francisco isn’t nearly as rich as the established Oakland family, he hires the only assassin he can afford: Sebastián Monterey, a down-on-his-luck, struggling demon summoner, the cheapest and lowest ranking one there is.

But Monterey is nothing like Cisco expected. He’s high-spirited, reckless, relentlessly cheerful …and worse, he’s a bit of a slut. The CEO is horrified to find out that Monterey has not just one, but seven angry exes in the killing business, who will stop at nothing to get in the way of an already impossible hit. Not only do they have personal reasons for wanting to see their former lover dead, they also have professional reasons: they are all currently employed by the Oakland family members!

To make matters worse, Monterey finds out the Oaklands are each protecting a demon ritual artifact for Daphne. When brought together, all 7 can be used to summon a demon more powerful than any currently contracted on earth. If he is to carry out this hit at all, he’ll have to interfere with the summon by stealing every artifact, and maybe even summon the demon before Daphne can.

But that's only if none of his exes kill him first!