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xoxo-ren-xoxo · 4 years ago

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Tommy’s (and Tubbo’s) Character /rp /dSMP

This is a bit of a rant so like be warned. I have nothing against any CCs mentioned in this, this is all roleplay, lighthearted, and just a bit of fun analysis. Mostly this is a ramble about how I see certain people analysing Tommy’s character on tumblr and twt, and why I think they’re wrong. This isn’t directed at anyone specific, just a trend I’ve been seeing that kinda irks me. I don’t dislike the fandom, just a few ‘takes’ have been really weird for me.

TW for everything below: analysing the effects of trauma, abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of therapy.

I’m not really liking how victim-blamey everyone is getting currently in the dSMP, both in fandom and canon. In canon with certain characters but especially in fan analysis posts and especially about Tommy and Tubbo. People legitimately celebrating that Tommy might start ‘apologising’ for his actions more and 'growing as a person' somehow don’t realise that hes been made this way through a tonne of negative reinforcement. abuse, and gaslighting. And people blaming Tubbo for actions he had no choice in, rather than the actions he did choose.

Currently, as I see it, Tommy is so scared that anyone would find a reason to be pissed off at him that his fighting spirit has been completely crushed. He was exiled and abused when he should have been helped and given an understanding figure to guide him and teach him how to deal with things non-violently. In everyone’s eyes, the problem was that Tommy was creating violence with no real reason, acting recklessly and commiting crimes. Tubbo, having made him a part of his cabinet, knew that this would only harm the country. So instead of talking to him reasonably, he got angry, put him on trial, and punished him with the logbook (humiliating him by making him report back to Fundy, which he obviously hated). Tommy’s actions were, of course, bad, but did he deserve everyone ganging up on him? No. Especially when Tubbo was supposed to be in his corner, helping him out like he always said he would (”It’s me and you vs Dream” etc). This is the first betrayal of trust from Tommy’s POV. He doesn’t understand what he did wrong to its full extent, and no one can explain it to him.

However, Tubbo was under a lot of pressure from Dream and George, and he’s a literal child President, so his ‘safety over friendship’ actions are understandable. I don’t believe Tubbo is solely to blame for anything he’s done in season 2, but it can’t all be excused. If you are to blame Tommy for his recklessness, you have to blame Tubbo, at least partially, for his disregard for Tommy’s feelings and mental state. There were other ways to go about the entire thing, including the trial, which was just horrible to watch, and agreeing to give Dream the disc, something Tommy gave him in pure confidence that it would be safe with Tubbo. Yikes moment.

At that time, Tubbo knew a lot of things about Tommy. In fact, he probably knew the most about Tommy out of anyone on the server. He knew the discs were incredibly important and a comfort item for Tommy. He knew Tommy had trauma from being exiled in the past. He knew Tommy was abused, or at least manipulated by Wilbur, in addition to growing up in war. Wilbur once told Tommy to stop being reckless, and Tommy listened, changing his attitude because he looked up to Wilbur so much. Then Wilbur said ‘let’s be the bad guys’ and stopped trying to mentor Tommy. There’s a conflict here, because Tommy was told by Wilbur that he wasn’t good enough to be President (links to the idea of ‘not being strong enough’) but he knows that Wilbur was a bad person. But Tommy is never given the chance to reconsile his feelings surrounding Wilbur, both because of Ghostbur and because of the conflict he starts with George. So he is harbouring a mixture of emotions about his mentor and brother, not understanding how to untangle the ‘real Tommy’ from the manipulated boy he became.

What was going through his head when he stole from George and griefed him? Perhaps the thought that he needed to show he was still the same old Tommy. Maybe the need to ‘prove himself’ as a strong person? It could have just been an outlet for his trauma. He’s grown up in a world where everyone is either a friend or an enemy. George isn’t a friend. How was he supposed to know that hurting him was bad?

Tubbo was pressured into the actions he took against Tommy, but he was pressured far too easily. There is no moment where Tubbo turns to Tommy and makes sure he’s okay, he views him as ‘selfish’ and overdramatic, and sees his actions that way. This makes sense from Tubbo’s POV, he’s struggling to be President in ways that Wilbur *knew* he would, but in Tommy’s eyes this is the worst betrayal he’s ever known. The moment Tubbo (rightfully, but poorly executed) defies Tommy’s plan to hire Technoblade (ahem, seeing Techno as a weapon again) and exiles Tommy is the moment their friendship shatters. They’re two people who don’t understand each other anymore. Two people who are technically in the right, but only hurt each other.

What Tommy needed was a therapist, instead he had Dream, who put out the fire of rebellion that made him so strong, and Techno, who was trying to help but doing it in the wrong way.

People see tommy's change post-exile as a good thing because he's not as rebellious anymore and he’s thinking things through a lot before he does them, but they will soon realise that his rebellion was one of his best traits and the fact that no one saw it as anything but a problem really shows. He now second-guesses himself so much and is so scared of being wrong that everything seems too difficult and too dangerous. Every trait can have a positive and negative side. Tommy's defiant nature would have made him the perfect negotiator with a little practise. In fact, he had plenty of good ideas before he was exiled (using spirit against Dream, though it didnt work in the end, for example). The negative side of this was recklessness and the desire to cause problems on purpose, but what he needed was a friend (looking at you Tubbo) who understood that hes been through several wars, was manipulated by Wilbur, and hasnt known a time of peace where everyone who wasnt on his side was out to kill him. Now that ‘fight’ is gone he's just become easier to manipulate.

He may be getting better (see: telling Dream to go fuck himself) but there hasn't been any long-term growth because he was never told what kind of rebellion was good and what was bad. He was just told it was all bad. By Dream (and by Tubbo). Who he doesn't trust. So he's just going to revert back to his old ways because no one told him what was bad in a way that didn't make him feel like everyone was against him. Dream is the enemy (though Tommy’s feelings towards him are complicated, they make his brain go all ‘flippy floppy’) and Dream told him that rebellion was bad, so rebellion must be good always, right?

And then there's Techno. Techno did nothing wrong except for when he did. Techno is 100% right except for when he isn’t. He doesn't understand Tommy because Tommy was never fully open about what Dream had done and how it affected him. That's not Tommys fault though, because who the fuck openly talks about their trauma? So neither of them are to blame for pretty much anything up until the confrontation at the community house.

However, Techno's methods and ideology were not what Tommy needed. He was thrown from one extreme to another over and over again, from complete subservience to total rebellion. Neither of these inforce good attitudes in Tommy. One, as stated before, makes it so that he will regain his negative traits again. The other reinforces those violent traits as good, just like Wilbur did. The only difference is that Techno had good intentions, he wasnt trying to use Tommy, which is why he feels so used when Tommy 'betrays' him (Techno doesnt realise that he himself betrayed Tommy by teaming with Dream, he sees it more as a transaction than a personal thing). Techno feels so hurt by Tommy ‘viewing him as a weapon’ that he goes on with his no-mercy attack, completely dropping Tommy at his lowest point.

Tommy says he doesn't want to be like everyone he's hated. In fact, he say's he is 'worse' than all the villains. This is very obviously untrue, though he was clearly going down a dangerous path with Techno's influence (see: bullying Fundy, spawning wither, kidnapping Connor, and saying that the discs are more important than Tubbo, more on that later). He's not a villain but who exactly has said he's not a villain. Dream? Techno? Neither of them can be trusted in his eyes. They say he's a good guy, Wilbur wanted to be the bad guy, who's right? He doesn't know. He has a crisis of morality.

And? Some people want to point at that and say 'aha! Character development! He's finally realising his actions have a negative affect on others!' OH GOD NO??? He's a *child* who thinks that he is worse than his abuser. Does that sound like positive character growth to you?

Lastly, the discs. We know theyre a comfort item blahblahblah. He hates himself for valuing them more than he values Tubbo. He's literally innocent in this. He’s been horribly manipulated by Dream to believe that the discs are worth anything. Theyre really not worth anything if they are being used as tools rather than, yknow, discs. My poor boy. He doesnt trust people, so what can he trust? The discs. But then he says it out loud and realises he misses Tubbo and he wants to be with his best friend again and and and WAHHHH. This also isnt really character growth its just fucking sad leave me alone.

Anyways what the fuck guys. @ Niki and Jack what the fuck. Yeah we get it it’s miscommunication but wtf. Kinda worried that the actual lore will make Niki and Jack’s hatred of Tommy justified in some way and take on a big victim-blamey vibe, but I’m hoping that everyone is smart enough to not do that. I cannot praise Tommy enough for how he’s portrayed his character. I’m currently hoping that he himself understands the true complexity of it all. I’m sure he does.

Mostly though im actually pissed off at all the people praising tommy's character for 'maturing' when hes literally just got trauma. Nice one, tumblr and twt users. Thanks. Great job. He hasnt 'learnt his lesson', he’s traumatised. What the fuck.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk, leave your responses in the reblogs and comments.

#dreamsmp #dream smp #character analysis #dreamsmp analysis #analysis #critical #tommyinnit #tubbo #dream #technoblade #wilbur soot #tw trauma #tw abuse #tw gaslighting #tw manipulation

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swisssadge · 4 years ago

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Illogicalities in Saint Seiya

Prepare for a longish post. n.n

But I guess I just need to get this out. Because some of these are just so god-awful frustrating.As much as I love Saint Seiya - some blaring logic mistakes just HURT. And it hurts because the original series could have been so much more if so incredibly much potential hadn’t been wasted. Not every bad writing or mistake is because it is a child of its time (80s anime and their damsels in distres *glances at Saori*).

So, as you’ll unsurprisingly notice, most points are from the original series. Because the spin-offs don’t suffer from the same amount of logic mistakes and do quite a lot things waaay better. And should I find even more things during a rewatch - prepare for part 2. n.n I hope to hear your opinion on what I wrote, and whether you agree or not.

- What is wrong with the people in Sanctuary? There are two instances I can remember right now: How totally racist they are in the classic saga, and how mean they were the Sisyphus in the gaiden, blaming him to only have received the Sagittarius Cloth because of his brother Ilias’s state as a hero. In the classic saga, I can kinda understand because Saga is at the helm. But in Lost Canvas, Sage is Pope. Why did any of the higher-ups allow such mean people enter the service and Sanctuary of Athena – goddess of wisdom and justice? WHY?! I mean, yeah, the soldiers and Saints are just humans, and humans make mistakes, but come on. They should be at least better than that. Else, I don’t think they deserve to even be in Sanctuary.

- So, the ages… Saint Seiya really got a problem with those. Firstly, 10-year old Shura doesn’t look like 10-year old Shura in that flashback of his fight against Aiolos. Next, I have checked Marin’s age; she’s supposed to be 16 at the beginnig of the series. And she trained Seiya for 6 years…? Dammit, she does look even close to 10 in that flashback when Seiya was brought to her! Besides, she never has the air of a 16-year old in the entire series. And who in their right mind would make a 10-year old teacher to anybody? Then, even though I don’t like it, I have to mention the Crystal Saint. So, Camus is 20 in the anime. Firstly, the Crystal Saint looks so old, that he probably had been older than Camus when he had been his student. Shame we don’t have confirmation of his age. Anyways, I guess Camus must have been thirteen to fifteen at least when teaching him. Geez… what the hell is it with young kids teaching even younger kids? No wonder Sanctuary was crumbling.

- Remember that episode in which the new gruesome training is shown, where people even die? It really questions the Gold Saints‘ intelligence, if they by then don’t wonder if something might be wrong in Sanctuary. And they don’t. It needs the real Athena and five Bronze Saints to open their eyes. -.- Who's high and mighty now, Shaka?

- I really can’t believe none of the Bronze Saints knew of the existence of the Gold Saints. After all, Hyoga (yes, I ignore anime-only Crystal Saint, who may be a chill guy but who only complicates matters and throws logic out the window) and Shiryu were trained by two of them. I can’t imagine their teachers not telling them. Plus, Seiya trained in Sanctuary itself. He’s bound to know, especially considering his friendship with Aiolia. And even worse, do you remember that one or two instances in the anime in which is hinted not even the Gold Saints themselves knew of each other’s existence? How fake Pope Saga acts all surprised and stating in an asking tone that Aiolia is a Gold Saint. And all while freaking Milo is kneeling in front of him in his Gold Cloth. And even Milo acts surprised after the rest of the Gold Cloths are revealed. HOW??? Yeah, thanks for nothing, anime. At least the manga and the new Episode Zero confirm that the twelve Gold Saints grew up together and that they all earned their Cloths prior to Aiolos‘ death.

- Seika and Marin. Seiya’s sister and mentor. There are some issues I have with how several people seemed to suspect Marin being really Seika. Firstly. When would Seika have had the time to become a fully-fledged Silver Saint? She wasn’t even training back in the Kido mansion. Plus, she was still at the Kido mansion the day Seiya was taken to Greece. Remember that scene where she runs after the car taking him away. Oh, not to forget that Seika apparently vanished ONE WHOLE YEAR after Seiya left for Greece. And Marin is already a Silver Saint by the time he arrives there. Seika would have needed to have been in two places at the same time. Also, if Seika was in Rodorio village the entire time: Shouldn’t Seiya have encountered her by chance in the course of several years? I can’t imagine she stayed inside all the time.

- Uhm, in the Asgard arc, Shiryu got buried by the same avalanche as Fenrir. So why did Fenrir die and Shiryu not? Shiryu even was beaten up by his fight with Fenrir, while Fenrir didn’t even have a scratch!

- Um… in Omega… why are there already children of five to seven years training WITH CLOTHS??? I don’t get it. I seriously don’t get it. Where did they get those Cloths from? I mean, I can understand Ryuho, having inherited it from his father Shiryu. But the others? That Lynx Saint friend of Ryuho’s? And weren’t there a little Yuna and a little Soma too – in their Cloths? WHERE THE HELL DID THEY GET THEM FROM??? I seriously cannot imagine any child already earning a Cloth! Seiya had to defeat ten opponents to get his (and was about thirteen at the time). Sisyphus had to land at least one blow against Lugonis wearing the Pisces Cloth, as was probably fifteen-ish to seventeen-ish at that time. So why are suddenly children running around in Cloths?! Isn’t it enough that it is already claimed that the Classic Gold Saints became Saints around the age of 7? Sheesh. I like the idea Teshirogi brought in Lost Canvas far more. Sisyphus was about fourteen or fifteen, maybe sixteen by the time he fought Lugonis for his Gold Cloth. And he was the first, meaning that Aspros and Hasgard were even a little older when they got their Cloths. I don’t get it… I simply don’t get it. Well, at least, in the flashback of his training with Aiolos, Aiolia didn’t seem to have earned the Leo Cloth, and he seems to be six to eight years old back then. Though, duh, it contradicts official statements.

- While writing a fanfic, a strange notion occured to me… Seiya and Cassios were both living with their masters, Marin and Shaina, right? And female Saints are required to never show their faces to any male, right? So… how the hell did they eat? I mean, didn’t they eat together? Because to eat, Marin and Shaina would have to put away their masks. Did they eat first or did they wait until their students had finished? But even so, the cabin’s are small… Seiya and Cassios would have had to look away the entire time their masters were having their meal. Gee… I don’t get it at all. What a shitty image that they shouldn’t eat together. I mean, they do have a bond as masters and students. And eating is part of the package, especially if said master and student live in the same cabin.

- So, in the manga all of the bronze boys are siblings, sons of Mitsumasa Kido. That would mean, Seika is his daughter too. And we know that Kido fathered all those children so that Athena would have Saints at her side. My question: Why did Seika never train? Her being a girl is no excuse to me, because, well, Shaina and Marin. Unless Mitsumasa couldn't bring himself to send girls too. Still… with one hundred children, there are bound to be girls too. And if only the boys were sent, then they used that number rather loosely. Because then there wouldn't have been 100 children attempting to earn Cloths, but perhaps like what, 90, 80, maybe even only 70 or 60? Unless he fathered waaaay more than 100 children and kept going until he had 100 boys. Which would be, frankly, disturbing.

- So, why did Aiolos have to fight any of the normal guards of Sanctuary in the first place? Gold Saints are said to move at the speed of light. And that speed should not be hindered by the barrier over Sanctuary, which only prevents teleportation. So, technically, shouldn't Aiolos have been even well out of Sanctuary before the other Gold Saints had even been alerted?

- So, how did Aphrodite and Shura in Episode Zero already know Aiolos was a traitor? None of the guards could have been able to reach Pisces or Capricorn before Aiolos. Deathmask I do understand – after all, Aiolos had to go through Aphrodite, Shura, and had to patch himself up in Sagittarius. But Aphrodite and Shura? It would make sense if Saga had sent a telepathic message, but: 1., wouldn't that have given his identity away? And 2.: We never see him doing it, only dispatch some guards. So to me, he never did it in the first place.

- We learn from several sources, the latest one being Episode Zero, that Saga was sent on a mission to keep an eye on Poseidon and his activities. That he kinda vanished while doing that. But then he turns up on Star Hill to kill Shion. I ask – how? How was he able to get into Sanctuary without anyone seeing or noticing him? ESPECIALLY if he needed to cross the Twelve Houses. Yes, according to Episode Zero, most of the Gold Saints were absent on their special training. But come on. At least Shura would have been suspicious. Plus, how the hell did nobody notice the explosion of Cosmos when he killed Shion? Unless it is canon that he killed Shion with a punch through the chest. If not, then I don't believe nobody noticed.

- How is it that after the Silver Saint arc, we see nobody train for any Cloth anymore? You should think that with so many Silvers gone, Athena would seek successors. I mean, the war against Hades was drawing close! How on earth did NOBODY think of stocking up their ranks? Not Athena, not the Gold Saints, not even freaking Dohko, who after Shion's passing should be the most experienced one of the bunch. Yes, yes, focus could have remained on the protagonists. But at least a little something? Like one of the Gold Saints traveling around, finding possible new recruits? Some of the Bronzes perhaps helping with training possible future Bronze Saints? Marin and Shaina spar with some Silver Saint trainees? Also, some unused constellations would have made for quite some interesting Cloths and abilities.

- That said – even after all the arcs, at least a couple of other Saints should be alive to fight against Hades and its forces. Right? So why are the only ones we see the ten Bronzes, the Gold Saints, Marin and Shaina? The only answer would implicate Shion has done a real bad job at maintaining Sanctuary, if after all the deaths in the Silver Saint arc, major part of its fighting force is gone.

- And… h-how the hell is Hyoga DRIVING A FREAKING CAR?! At his age?!

P.S.: I think the two most painful points for me are the one with Seika, how she absolutely cannot be Marin, but people still think she might be, and the one where the existence of the rest of the Gold Saints is revealed as this big secret, when it should be known by everyone. Those two blunders... they just hurt. They really do.

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johannas-motivational-insults · 4 years ago

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Jo’s Top 10 of 2020

I see lots of artists doing that thing where they post a piece from each month of the year... unfortunately my content creation isn’t necessarily consistent and it’s hard to track what month individual fic chapters were posted in, but I figured I’d do something similar and post my Top 10 pieces of content I created in 2020, what they’re about and why I love them. I actually did get a fair amount done this year thanks to the lockdown, but I’ve narrowed it down to these ten that I’d like to reflect on. (To be fair, I’m probably forgetting something huge. Feel free to leave comments if you think I passed over something important lol.)

10. Friendship in the Horde (meta): This is something I’d wanted to write for a while but finally got around to finishing in February. It’s basically a sociology paper lmao, an analysis of the social hierarchies and systems of the Horde. It was also a convenient excuse for me to gush about Catralonnie, an underrated (friend)ship. But honestly this was an important piece for me because I have always identified with the Horde characters way more than any of the rebels (other than Adora, who grew up in the Horde) and part of why is how they are in an unsafe environment and end up forming relationships that are helpful for survival but hinder them psychologically. And I think to understand the Horde characters and really evaluate their motives and choices you need to understand this first.

9. The Sting in My Eyes: On the surface this is just a run of the mill hurt/comfort oneshot, but it was a really important post-canon processing fic for me. I had a lot of feelings about Catra’s relationships with Shadow Weaver and Melog in season 5, particularly about how Catra must have felt really conflicted after Shadow Weaver told her what she wanted to hear all those years but in a way that felt unearned and out of the blue. It was really cathartic for me to write a scene where she struggles with those mixed feelings but has Adora and Melog to help her process them. And I had long associated the song the title is from with Catra and Shadow Weaver’s relationship, and the way she died trying to redeem herself really solidified that connection.

8. Hail Mary, chapter 6: This was supposed to be a short chapter mostly about the backstory between Catra and Scorpia in this au, with some Catradora yearning thrown in. It evolved into a massive, sprawling thing that is very atmospheric in terms of how the setting and vibes are described and how in the moment it feels. Hail Mary is like that sometimes but that type of narration is usually about football games rather than parties, so this chapter was a fun change of pace in many ways. It was really nostaglic for me to write too, the nerves of being a teenager at a party with your crush and how intense everything feels. And the Scorptra stuff really is delicious, it was nice seeing them have that conversation they never got to have in canon and truly make up, and the tiny sliver I added of Catra’s earlier history was heartbreaking in the best way. So this was not what I intended to write, but it turned out way better for it.

7. A Better Son or Daughter (AMV): I’ve done other Adora AMVs, but this one is really my iconic piece. The song is perfect for Adora, so perfect it’s on Noelle’s Adora playlist. The vid itself is a character study about Adora’s mental health struggles and the way she represses them, as well as a tribute to her resiliency and her eventual triumph of getting to a better place in her life. This is a song that gives me a lot of feelings and once I was making it about Adora it gave me even more, so this was a very satisfying piece to complete. I wish Noelle had gotten a chance to see it but oh well, maybe down the line.

6. Hail Mary, chapter 12: This is the chapter that much of the fic had been building to, Catra and Adora in conflict because Catra finally got the chance to be Adora’s hero and Adora shot her down. It’s painfully analogous to canon, both in terms of how (I suspect) Catra felt in Thaymor and Adora’s tendency to victim blame because she’s so pragmatic. There’s definitely some tones of Taking Control in there but Lonnie does a much better job of examining Catra’s psychology and needs than Glimmer did in canon (a writing error imo, Glimmer should have had more insight). Adora just wants to help but sometimes in her quest to do so she disenfranchises others, and this was a much needed look at that aspect of her character. It’s also an excellent illustration of what it’s like to play a peacekeeping role in an abusive household and how stressful it is trying to protect others while also protecting yourself.

5. Unstoppable (AMV): This is not my favorite Catra AMV I’ve ever done, but it might be the cleverest. The soundtrack is a song about mental illness masquerading as a song about being a bad bitch, which is basically Catra in a nutshell. The lyrics are incredibly fitting for her and her arc as it develops over seasons 1-4. The vid itself takes a hard turn in the interpretation of the lyrics, going from talking about how no one can stop Catra to how she can’t stop herself because she’s in such a terrible sunk cost fallacy spiral, and I think I got several death threats over that twist lmao. As someone who primarily deals in angst, there’s hardly a better compliment to be paid.

4. Demons, chapter 31: This one got real dark on me. The concept of this chapter was originally an examination of how comparing abuse can get really dicey but you also have to respect that other people have had different experiences from you and you have to be careful not to equate things or make it sound like you’re talking over someone else. I guess it’s also a bit of a look at how autistic people (like myself) will often explain why they can empathize so others know they understand rather than saying empty platitudes, but that can come off as insensitive or like they’re making things about them. I mean, in this case Adora kinda was making things about her, but she was provoked into it by a parade of comments insinuating she didn’t suffer at all, which was also unfair. Anyway it’s one of the more important Catradora fights in Demons and something I’d written bits of over a year prior, it was that important to the plot, but it also took a turn I was not originally planning. I finished the chapter when I was in a really bad depressive and self-loathing spiral and that bled onto the page, but it worked perfectly for Catra in this scenario... that push and pull of feeling like the world has hurt and victimized you mixed with knowing you’ve done some bad things yourself and feeling like you don’t have a leg to stand on when mourning the ways you’ve been hurt. It’s intense as all fuck but it’s excellent.

3. Hail Mary, chapter 11: Speaking of dark Catra content, this chapter... whew. It was really something else, to read and to write. I have written flashbacks in Demons that are more detailed and even include explicit violence but because those scenes are always in flashback form I never really got the chance to sit in the head of an abuse victim waiting for the other shoe to drop for an entire chapter like I did here. It’s quite different from the rest of Hail Mary stylistically and is both highly sensory and extremely internalized. It took me back to some terrifying moments in my own life so it was difficult but also extremely cathartic to write. It’s important too because it really sets up where Catra was at mentally heading into her big fight with Adora, and that chapter is in Adora POV. This chapter is ranked so high simply because it’s... polished, as @malachi-walker put it. It almost is its own story within the story and really noteworthy as a piece all its own.

2. Demons, chapter 26: This chapter is very similar thematically to Hail Mary 12, just based in the canonverse. It deals with one of the core (but highly neglected by fandom) conflicts between Catra and Adora, where they both need to feel like they can take care of and protect the other but also detest feeling weak or vulnerable themselves. It leads to Adora’s ego making Catra feel disrespected and Catra’s behavior confusing Adora and making her think she’s an ungrateful brat rather than someone who needs so badly to be needed, just like her. There’s definitely some power struggles in this chapter but finally they’re able to get to the heart of it and seeing them talk it out is so satisfying. Getting this chapter published was also important to me on a personal level because, like I said, this aspect of their conflict and relationship is rarely acknowleged for how important it is when really it’s one of the deepest conflicts between them in the series. It’s a scene I started writing pretty much as soon I knew I was extending the fic into something longer because I just needed them to have this conversation, so finishing it was so satisfying.

1. Satisfaction, chapter 3: This chapter took me a really long time to write, both in terms of time to get it published and time I actually spent working on it. It’s the crown jewel of a fic that’s really important to me and I had to get it just right, so I spent more time agonizing over every detail and rewriting things to get them absolutely perfect than I usually do (I’m a perfectionist anyway, but this took it to a whole other level). But in the end it was worth it, because this chapter is damn fine. It’s really hot, as you’d expect from a smut fic, but it’s also an excellent character study of how both Catra and Adora were affected by their abuse and trauma and the issues it raises for them in terms of sex and intimacy. Also, come on, we need more BDSM fics out there that focus on the actual point of it all (the trust involved) and promote communication and do the character work to explain why they might be into it in the first place.

BONUS (from December 31, 2019): One of my favorite pieces of 2020 technically came out in 2019, but I posted it on New Years Eve so most people first saw it in 2020. It’s an absolute banger of an AMV called I’m Not Jesus that’s all about Catra and Adora’s anger towards Shadow Weaver and their refusal to forgive their abuser. Funny enough this came out before Adora’s iconic “I will never forgive you” line, and Shadow Weaver definitely made things more complicated with how she went out, but I think the sentiment still applies.

#2020 recap #happy new year #writing #vidding #fanfic #spop #catradora #demons #hail mary #satisfaction #the sting in my eyes #a better son/daughter #unstoppable #i’m not jesus

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fishfingersandjellybabies · 4 years ago

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Worthy of Everything - fic

Characters: Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson Summary: Grayson, who had left them. Grayson, who didn’t remember a single thing. Grayson, who Damian had finally let himself accept was out of his life. Forever. Dead to him. Gone. And now his ringtone was going off. A/N: One day I’ll stop writing post-Ric/post-Robin reunions happening over the phone for these two, but not today. Wrote/edited this in an hour, and literally all based around the three paragraphs of Dick professing his love. I got that dialogue stuck in my head all week and needed a reason to write it. Sorry it sucks/is disjointed. I just want Dick to hold his son in canon again dammit. Also reminder that I tend to write Damian as a reflection of myself for cathartic/coping reasons so take that for what you will about my mental health/self image ha haAA~

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

It surprised him, when his phone rang.

Not because it rang. Oh no, it was practically ringing off the hook these days. Once, his phone went dead without him ever touching it because it rang so often in just the few hours of that morning.

People trying to find him. People pretending to care. Pretending to be his family. His friends.

Whatever.

But no, his phone ringing this time…it was surprising. Shocking, actually.

Because it was Grayson’s ringtone.

Grayson, who had left them. Grayson, who didn’t remember a single thing. Grayson, who Damian had finally let himself accept was out of his life. Forever. Dead to him. Gone.

And now his ringtone was going off.

Dick was the only one he ever took the time to change a ringtone for. Everyone else was the default, even his parents. Because he didn’t care enough. And they didn’t care enough for him either.

Because it’s not like anyone else called him.

(Jon did. But Jon was now thousands of years in the future, and reception there is spotty at best.)

The short song was going through its third repetition now, phone twisting as it vibrated on the table. The screen was clearer now. The name Richard Grayson shone brightly.

He’d been avoiding calls. Avoiding this phone. Now it was like an out-of-body experience, watching his hand reach out and grab it.

He hit the button to answer, and slowly brought it up to his ear, but didn’t say anything. Still wasn’t completely sure it wasn’t a trick. Wasn’t completely sure he wasn’t dreaming.

He heard breathing on the line. He breathed back.

Finally, softly: “I know you’re there, kiddo.”

Damian’s breath hitched, and he swallowed the sudden lump in his throat.

This wasn’t real, he decided. Because Grayson was gone. Grayson wasn’t coming back. He accepted that. He’d finally, finally accepted that.

So instead of a greeting, he demanded, albeit dumbly, “How did you get this number?”

There was a moment of quiet, then Dick laughed.

“It’s the same number you’ve always had.” Damian could hear the smile in Dick’s voice. “So it’s still saved in my phone.”

“…If you’re looking for Batman, I’m not with him.” Damian deflected. Because, still, this couldn’t be real. This wasn’t. It was not. “Call Superman for his contact.”

The sense of joy vanished immediately. “I know.” Dick murmured blankly. “I know you’re not with Bruce.” A pause. “Tell me where you are.”

And Damian’s muscle memory was, of course, to tell him everything. Spill your life and your heart and your soul to this man like you have so many times before. Tell him how much it hurts, breathing. How much it hurts to exist anymore. How lonely you are, how lost. Tell him your fears, listen for the hope he always so freely gave.

But then his brain caught up.

Don’t do that. Because Grayson is gone.

This…this isn’t Grayson.

This is a trick.

He inhaled sharply. “You’ve always been bad at imitations, Father.” He spat. “And this is your most pathetic attempt yet.”

“No – no wait, Damian.” A near gasp. “Please don’t hang up!”

Damian found his hand tensing around the phone. Found himself, inexplicably, obeying.

“It’s not your dad. I’m not your dad. I.” Dick seemed to stumble over his words a little. “I came home, Damian.”

Damian narrowed his eyes. “Liar.”

“Why would I lie to you?” Dick demanded. “When have I ever lied to you?” He huffed in annoyance, and maybe…maybe a little something else. Pain? Desperateness? “Look, it’s not something to explain over the phone, okay? But I…I remembered. I remembered and I came home, and Bruce…” Dick’s voice changed now to anger. “Bruce told me what happened, what he did to clearly fuck it all up again, and that he hasn’t found you yet.”

Damian didn’t respond to that.

“I want to find you.” Dick whispered. “I…I need to find you, Damian. I need to see you.” A sigh. “I just need to make sure you’re okay.”

Damian glanced out the nearby window, stared across the Gotham skyline. He saw no silhouettes of vigilantes. No shadows that he could convince himself were moving. It was still too early. The sun wasn’t completely set yet. Not time for anyone to start patrol.

He didn’t realize he’d spoken until after he did.

“…Why?”

“Why…?” Dick breathed in a mimicry. “Why do I need to…” More sounds that weren’t words. Just confusion. Just disbelief. “Because I love you, Damian.”

Damian immediately scoffed. Opened his mouth to respond. “You-”

“And you know what’s great about that?” Dick cut off with a frustrated drawl. “You don’t get to tell me I can’t.”

Damian’s mouth snapped shut.

“You don’t get to tell me if I’m allowed to love you or not. You don’t get to control my emotions, or give me reasons you think I shouldn’t. Because I’m going to anyway. Because I do anyway.” There was a manic-ness in his voice now. A panic. A near-fury. “And because I love you, because I miss you, I’m going to find you. Whether you want to be found or not.”

There was no other sound on Dick’s end of the line, but Damian found his eyes darting across Gotham anyway, looking for a weightless man. Looking for Nightwing.

“I only called as a courtesy. I thought…I thought maybe you’d want to see me too. So you’d tell me.” Dick was calm again. Quiet. Thoughtful. Hiding the sadness. “But that’s fine. I was just hoping for a hint. But I’ll find you without one. That’s fine too. You know me, I love a challenge.”

Damian felt his lips tremble. Tears well into his eyes.

With Father, it was easy. Because Father didn’t use words. Father barely looked at him. So there was never that awkward moment of love being professed to him. He knew, deep down, maybe, that his father, his family, loved him. And most days, that was good enough.

But assuming, hoping, dreaming you were loved was never good enough for Dick Grayson. He had to let you know, be 100% sure you knew. He had to tell you.

And he’d told Damian that before. Many times. But it’d never hit as hard as it did right now, as he stood in an empty apartment, on the phone with the person he cared for most. With the person who…with the only person who found him worthy. Who he thought was gone, out of his life for the rest of eternity.

And even after all these years, it was so much. Too much.

And he just didn’t deserve it.

Knew he didn’t deserve it. Just as Grayson knew how much he loved him despite that anyway.

“…Grayson?”

Because this wasn’t a trick. This wasn’t a dream. This was real.

He sounded so childish. So weak. He closed his eyes and scolded himself, even as the tears leaked through and down his cheeks anyway. Let disappointment wash through him even as his breaths became ragged and snot filled his nose.

Grayson had come back to him. Despite everything he was and everything he’d done, Grayson came back to him. Grayson still loved him.

“I’m here, kiddo. It’s me. I’m coming to get you.” Dick murmured gently. A second to think, then try again. “Just tell me where you are.”

Damian silently shook his head, slowly crumbling to the floor. He pulled his knees to his chest, hid his face in the crook of his arm.

“I’m not taking you back to Bruce, or the manor, or anything. We’ll go back to my place. You’re coming with me. You’re staying with me. No matter what. I promise.” Dick continued. Then repeated, softer, “Just please tell me where you are, Damian.”

So, sitting on the floor, sobbing, feeling relieved and hopeful and loved and knowing he didn’t deserve a second of any of those emotions – Damian did.

#dick grayson #Damian Wayne

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melodyalanaroster · 3 years ago

Text

To answer some Fanfic Questions...

So, this is my response to @broxklynn‘s post... I decided to make this its own post... So that It can be properly answered.

1. How and why did you start to write? Is there some kind of story behind it?

I started writing in general when I was in elementary school... Back when I just had a Platform 9 3/4 journal, not many friends, recess, and a desire to immerse myself in the world of Harry Potter. I enjoyed writing, and even joined the Writer’s Club in High School (but I eventually left to join Anime Club and Divergent Thinking Society). As for writing MCL fanfiction, I began writing Sam’s and Alana’s stories as early as when I first got into the fandom, back in 2013. Alana’s story started out as “A Fresh Start”, had a one shot called “When I Wake”, then turned into “Let The Dawn Be Broken”, and is now “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. The final product barely has any hints of the first 3... In fact, Sam’s story, “Fighting Darkness”, has been completely debunked due to what I’ve decided to canonize in “The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster”. Writing MCL fanfiction has been a major help in distracting me from the depression that was caused by family issues, severe abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, my mom’s disease and her death, as well as working at several shitty jobs. Writing has helped me escape reality and keep myself sane enough to not be a black hole of hate, anger, and sadness to my friends and boyfriend.

2. What do you struggle the most with your writing?

There are 2 major things I struggle with... 1 is Timing. I often set deadlines for myself that I never meet and it makes me so frustrated that I miss them... There are currently things in my drafts that were meant to be “Holiday Specials” for Valentine’s Day and Halloween 2020 that are still unfinished... It makes me feel like I’m letting my readers down, when its more of me letting myself down... The other thing is Inspiration. Because I hate my job, I often think about Alana’s story in an effort to not be completely consumed by the fact that I do hate my work... Due to that, I often come up with ideas for my story that I think are FANTASTIC for my story... But, by the time I get home, I’m either in too much pain or too tired to write, or I’ve forgotten the ideas...

3. What is your favorite genre to write?

I love writing Romance with a bit of Slice of Life and a hint of Action/Adventure...

4. Slowburn or “Flame”/PWP?

Slow burn any day.

5. How do you overcome writer’s block?

If I absolutely can’t write... I work on other stuff I need to do... Typically, something around the house, or something online I need to do... I also look for cool stuff to add to wish lists... I’ll occasionally play videogames or read comic books... In an effort to subvert writer’s block, I like having multiple chapters in my drafts at once. If I’m not in the mood to work on one chapter, I can work on a different one.

6. What kind of thing you dislike the most, when reading a fanfiction? (for example: particular plot, grammar mistakes)

One thing that makes me upset (and it makes me madder when I do this) is misspelling... Especially when it looks like its almost blatant... You have autocorrect, USE IT! Or when a fanfic is so awful, yet the author acts like their work is a gift from god... I don’t mind a “bad” fanfiction... Hell, the concept of “My Immortal” is so bad that its hilarious... But Fifty Shades did a lot of damage and E.L. James acts like she’s bigger than Jesus... Seriously, she wrote Twilight fanfiction, changed some minor details and names, people who have no knowledge of BDSM ate it up, and she acts like she’s a “Sex and Relationship Guru”...

7. What’s the biggest issue for you, when writing a Beemoov fanfiction?

The biggest issue for me is finding out when to allow for Beemoov’s writing and placement to take place in my story. I don’t like a lot of the events of UL and LL, so I’m often finding myself in a position where I have to watch video playthroughs and go “Okay, how can I omit this character, but keep this scene?”. I’ve had to do that A LOT with Alexy and Rosalaya.... Although, to a certain extent, I’ll often cut their scenes out altogether. I really hate what Beemoov did to them. They were great characters in HSL, but became utter shit in UL and stayed shit in LL. To make up for Beemoov’s writing style, I’ve created my own characters, added in old characters (like Kentin and Armin), added in bits from the manga (like Viktor, Severina and their fathers), and gone off on my own storyline. The Melancholy Of Melody Alana Roster is close to MCL at times, but often veers off onto its own road.

8. Have you ever created a character based on person in real life? (celebrity, someone that you know, etc)

YES!!! A LOT of characters in my story are based on real people! Alana’s step-father, Nate Films, is closely based on Nathan Fillion. A lot of her family members are based on members of my own family, just changed a bit to fit the story. Lynne Roster, Alana’s mom, is what I had always dreamed my own mom would be... Hell, Alana’s cat, Sylvester, is based on my own childhood cat, Luna.

9. How do you feel about your own characters? Do you think of them as your babies or have rather love-hate relationship with them? (And, do you have favorite one?)

I love most of my characters. I do hate 3 in particular... But, you’re supposed to hate, or at least not respect, them... That’s why I poured my hatred into them... Those 3 are Carol, Kai and Azrael. Carol has aspects of my abuser in her. You’ll see more of her when I finally post the HSL related chapters... And understand what I mean... Kai is based on one of my real life cousins that I’ve not been happy with for years (the one who my bf has deemed “the family failure”). You mainly see him in the Cousin Mels chapters, and in the Christmas Special... Azrael is the one who is seen the most in the UL chapters, and she is a main adversary for Alana. She is the one who broke her the most, the one who ended Alana’s relationship with Nathaniel, the one who truly traumatized her. As for ones I love... The one I love the most is Alana... I know, she’s a reflection of me, so that’s kind of vain... But, she’s a part of me. When I do finish her story and am at the point where I need to say “Goodbye”, it will hurt....

10. Enemies-to-lovers or friends/bestfriends-to lovers?

Definitely friends/best friends to lovers. I also like toying with what happens when best friends turn to lovers, but circumstance parts them and one moves on...

11. Is it easy for you to get inside your character’s head? Can you empathize with them? Is there’s some similarities between you and your main character?

It is VERY easy for me to get into Alana’s head... Like I said in #9, she is a reflection of me. She looks and acts like how I’d like to in a lot of situations... Her life is more interesting, traumatized, and more well off than mine... But, she is still me in major ways...

12. Who has been the biggest supporter of your writing?

Definitely my boyfriend. He doesn’t really understand the game itself... But, he likes how happy it makes me and he respects how much of my heart, soul, blood, sweat and tears that I’ve poured into writing my story. He loves listening to me read passages from it to him while I’m working. He gives me advice and his opinion is highly valued... My family knows I’m writing a large story, and have seen some of the images that I’ve gotten commissioned, but they don’t really know or care about the game. They do respect the fact that I am writing. They love the fact that I’m slightly following in my mom’s footsteps in that regard (she wrote 3 books and several poems). My online friends have been very supportive as well! I’m constantly updating them on what I’ve worked on each day in my Discord Server and the words of encouragement always help.

13. How do you handle criticism?

Not well. Due to the abuse and family issues mentioned in #1, for a good amount of my life, I’ve gotten nothing but harsh criticism... So, now that I’m away from all that, at 26 years old, I’m just now getting to a point where I’m starting to take it better... But, I’ve got a long way to go.

14. Do you like giving your characters trauma? Why/why not?

I hate sounding like a sadist... But, I’m going to anyway, so fuck it... Yes. I have done awful things to Alana over the years. In A Fresh Start, she got sexually assaulted and ostracized. In When I Wake, she gets into a car crash, put into a coma, and in her dream state murdered by Francis in front of Nathaniel. In Let The Dawn Be Broken, the plan was for her to end a war. In “The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster”, her childhood cat dies, her mom gets sick, she gets abused by Carol, her best friends get ripped away from her for a bit, she gets sent to a country halfway around the world alone, she gets assaulted and ultimately turned into a weapon of mass destruction.... I’ve even thought of killing her mom off at one point... But decided against it...

Now, granted, A Fresh Start and Let The Dawn Be Broken never saw completion, but happy endings were planned for them...

I do this, all while giving Alana happy endings in each story because “If Alana can go through utter hell and make it through, then so can I.”... I know, I’m “god” in that regard and I can control how Alana’s life is.... But, the fact that in my writing, she ends up standing tall, happy, with everything she wants, after everything she goes through does make me feel better....

15. Are you proud of yourself? When you look at first piece you wrote and compare it to the latest one?

Yes. If you look at A Fresh Start, you can tell it was written by someone fresh out of High School. There’s no real depth to it. Let The Dawn Be Broken isn’t much better... But, The Melancholy of Melody Alana Roster has become my magnum opus. It is the largest piece I have EVER written, and will probably remain the largest piece I write. I am very proud of what I have created... And when its last word is written, and I am ready to get it made for it’s place on my shelf, I will feel very bittersweet about it... That being said, my original plan for a sequel involving Nathaniel’s and Alana’s daughter, Aurora, has been discarded. I don’t believe Aurora could ever have as much of my heart that her parents do...

And there you have it! Some insight into my world, writing, and history!

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thequibblah · 3 years ago

Note

directors cut for WTRF? 🥺👉👈 not biased at all obviously just objective third party asking for a directors cut hmmm hmmmmm

literally how could u do this every other word in that fic is an easter egg i can't shut up about..... bestie u are about to have regrets

one thing u should know is that 90% of things in this fic have real-world equivalents and its not even like....... hidden equivalents. serie primo = serie a, for instance. this trend is going to continue and i won't apologise <3

fun fact i named the bar the Bar and the drinks after shapes because i was too lazy to come up with something actually clever

this bit

I’m grinning to myself by the time she approaches my table.

was a very intentional fakeout and if you read this and thought "she" would be lily, feel free to sue me for emotional damages

the biggest conundrum of this AU was, how are jily not going to have met in school when magic exists? the solution was, of course, having multiple magic schools. but i couldn't let one of them have hogwarts, that didn't seem fair. i know i did sort of let lily have it..... but i felt more comfortable making hogwarts a university so there was a legit reason why james wasn't there and in gryffindor (if he'd gone he absolutely would have been)

once solved, i did the fun thing of naming them! ottaline gambol's was easy, i just scrolled through the list of ministers for magic and picked a progressive one. peverell hall was a whim, made all the funnier when lily's reaction is:

Much was made at Otty’s — one of the more progressive magical schools, named for one of the more progressive Ministers of Magic — of schools like Peverell Hall and St. George’s. The latter, I know, is chock-full of pureblooded elite. Peverell Hall is supposed to be slightly better, but still.

dang, it's gonna be funny if she ever finds out james is a descendant of the guy it's named after

fun fact, i included this because peter's question was a real thought i had when reading bond and free, your inspiring writing knows no limits:

The first thing you conjure in Walking Wombat is a yellow quill... “Why yellow?” Peter asked. Eddie gave him a strange look. “Why not?”

i realised i'd put jily in the same conundrum they had in tis the fucking season here:

It’s only then that I remember she’s just bought us drinks. I turn back to my triangle. “Oh, shit.” I suppose I can pawn it off on one of the others.

...but of course the resolution is rather different, and i do so enjoy a james with no filter (aka default james)

I briefly lose control of my brain and my tongue. “Is it too soon to say I’m in love with you?”

by the way, no-filter james will be a theme. wild things sure do run fast but not as fast as this boy runs his mouth!

also, another interesting challenge here was making sure james has a reason to be the way he is in AU. i love playing around with james's childhood/background and seeing how that affects his character while (hopefully!) staying true to who he is. i did that in ttfs by having him move around a lot and not meet the marauders until after the flashback timeline, which is why he's less of a git — he doesn't have the level of comfort in a social setting that canon james has with hogwarts, which is basically his playground from day 2 of first year lol

here, james was probably a fkn nightmare all through school, but of course he gets a big ego check when his quidditch career is derailed. i imagine his years in italy as a continuation of that humility lesson.

I will fully admit I used to be a cocky prick. This is what comes of being a kid who grew up with everything. But one useful thing that the whole fiasco four years ago taught me is humility. I’ve learned how to ask nicely for another chance.

and so much of writing him in wtrf is juggling that typical confidence with the insecurity/fear of losing something he's invested so much in (and has seen slip away before). it's really new to me, because typically i give lily uncertain life circumstances, but i suppose it's both of them in this AU.

the car thing was... i swear didn't start out as smutty, it was purely because i wanted a way to establish lily as muggleborn in a world where the connotations of not having magical parents is very different. more to come on that!

also, come to think of it, by this metric...

I’m now in dangerous territory, since that adds another impressive action to her running tally.

...i think james is already in love with her LOL

this bit:

The street is considered indecent and the downstairs hallway would have our landlady come running at once, so if it pleases Your Honour, we would recommend the sitting room sofa.

...was actually because in draft one lily was a lawyer, but then it was funny enough that i didn't want to take it out, but NOW i realise it makes it sound a little like she's addressing james as your honour, which.... hm. but anyway, we move on

Marc Bolan begs us to get it on through the stereo, vocalising my thoughts exactly.

the song here was initially "you shook me" (h/t @keepingupwithpotters) but i chickened out because zeppelin is SO horny dfjkhgkjs

also, it gave me so much joy to read everyone reacting to lily thinking about her ex (the general vibe was "who the fuck is this guy!!! ew!!!!") — rest assured (or, unassured??) that he has a part to play in all this. anyway, this is one of my fave lines:

He’s just a person, and there’s such a relief in sleeping with James and not the myth of a guy.

because as any come together reader knows....

Just James. Just James. It was never just James.

wtrf lily will learn!

literally the whole world knows i'm obsessed with needle drops that have no subtlety at all, but this one...

We just laugh, tangled together in a sweaty heap, as “Heaven Is in the Back Seat of My Cadillac” plays through the car’s speakers. “On the nose, isn’t it?” James says, sitting up.

...was pure luck, because i was looking up the top hits on the uk singles chart for the week(ish) this scene takes place in so that i could find a song that would realistically play on the radio, saw this, and was like omg the stars really do align

i feel like the thing i enjoy most about writing romance is the importance i get to place in noticing/looking/observing (and sometimes, not noticing!). it's just such a powerful but simple writerly tool, and god knows i am obsessed with pithy descriptions anyway, so this bit i am especially happy with:

James is already waiting, leaning against the car with his hands in his pockets. I feel as though I’m seeing him for the first time, the faint light of the flickering streetlamp catching him in profile: the strong slope of his nose, the hard line of his jaw, the curve of his smile. He studies the facade of our building with open curiosity, and I wonder what he’s looking for.

(one can only imagine james's train of thought in this moment. perhaps "ah. here lives the future love of my life"?)

“Thanks,” she tacks on at the end. I tip my head to one side in confusion. “For what?” “For, I don’t know. Being nice.” She laughs awkwardly. “I don’t do this very much.”

it wouldn't be a quibblah original tee em without some discourse to come about the nature of romantic/sexual relationships, would it? one thing i enjoy about this AU ("one thing" i say as if this isn't the billionth thing in a list) is that i get to write a romantic lily who's squaring that romanticism with what she perceives as the culture of the times. (this is a bit of a staple in all my characterisations of lily, but it is not often paired with casual sex, the complication of all complications!)

oh this bit literally wrote itself like i didn't even pause to think just vomited it out:

In the morning — and it must be early still — the sun streams through Lily’s sorry excuses for curtains with aggression that cannot be ignored. I crack open an eye to find myself sprawled out across her bed, quite literally spread-eagled. She’s attached to my side like a barnacle. Or a very pretty barnacle, anyway.

i'm especially proud of james's voice in this story. i don't often write first-person fic and i was worried how it'd turn out, but i think james as a character/narrator typically colours his own 3rd-person narration so strongly that it ended up a smoother transition than i'd feared!

also i just. i can't resist throwing in comic relief and i hope that this whole segment was a gentle enough preparation for the awkwardness that followed LOL

All of a sudden, the balcony door bursts open. I nearly drop the mug. “What the—” Mary pokes her head around the corner, sporting a righteous smile. “Morning, handsome.” Over her shoulder she shouts, “He’s on the balcony!” I blink. There’s a sound from inside the flat, as if something very large has just been dropped. Then a swear. “Oh, shit,” I say, realisation dawning, “you weren’t looking for me, were you? It’s so loud out here—” Mary cups a hand around her mouth and stage-whispers, “Lily was frantic.” She’s quite violently yanked back, and Lily herself appears in the doorway, slightly out of breath. “Should’ve checked the balcony first,” she says, and closes the door before Mary can insert herself into the space again. “Hi,” I say, which is agreed-upon best practice for greeting a woman you’ve just had fantastic sex with and ideally would like to have sex with again.

to this day i don't know what lily dropped. let's hope it wasn't expensive!

Captained the under-17 English squad at the World Cup some years back, Serie Primo’s lead goal-scorer of last year… Only an injury in what should’ve been his first season at Puddlemere mars his record. I wince reading about it and comparing it to a heap of press clippings. James Potter was hurt, and Puddlemere didn’t fancy paying for him not to play, so they shipped him off to Milan.

(you cannot imagine how much pointed interrogation of my brother it took to gather this intel.) i constantly worry that i've got dates or timelines wrong somehow — you might notice i tweaked under-17, which used to be under-19 until i realised that made no sense (even though in terms of its career importance i would much preferred it to have been u-19.... anyway). i also found out that u-17 football squads don't actually have captains but i said fuck it on that count.

but obviously i started writing this AU for the sports possibilities, only to discover i'm going to have to interfere a great deal with the Timeline (you shall see in future instalments).

god i really went through the whole fic. like i reread the whole thing to do this. here u go clare jfbghjfd

#this has no right to be this long #wtrf #clareee75 #ask me #director's cuts

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crossdressingdeath · 4 years ago

Note

On the Lan Sect negativity:

1) The Lan Sect’s involvement was only at Discussion Conferences and the like - events they had to attend. No real choice, they had to go. But WWX mentions only the Jin Sect at Qiongqi path, and only the Jin and Jiang Sects at the siege.

WWX only mentions that WN might have hurt Lan Sect members when he went wild at his execution with WQ - and it should be noted that the Lan Sect let LWJ argue on behalf on the Wens. They had the power to stop him, but they didn’t. At the Nightless City, WWX seemed to attack everyone with no mercy or distinction between friend or foe. Of course they’re worried when LWJ disappears with him. But LXC specifically points out that he wanted to do it secretly, so it wasn’t a Lan Sect siding with the Jin Sect thing.

Yeah, there was the Second Siege... but the Jin Sect had “proof” that WWX had killed innocent people and had kidnapped Sect heirs and junior disciples. Not great proof, but ya know. And the Lan Sect was one of the first ones willing to listen to WWX.

2) We don’t know what went on with LWJ’s mother. We don’t know much about who she killed, why she killed them or anything. The fandom likes to paint her as this helpless victim but we don’t know if she was. We don’t even know if she was in love with her husband or not. You can speculate. You can headcanon. But you can’t know. It sucks, but it is what it is.

3) We see in the extras that it’s perfectly normal for Sect members to interact with someone of the opposite biological sex. WWX sees and talks to a female disciple, who was heading to feed the rabbits. And, actually, it seems that the separation only happened recently, as WWX’s parents met at CR. CSSR met JFM at CR. And it seems like a lot of the parents were there as well. It’s probably a tradition for Sect heirs to go. I wonder what could have happened with the past generation that could have caused the Lan Sect to decide “You know what, let’s seperate them”? That sounds like a great idea for a crack fic, honestly...

Anyway, the gossiping rule is only there to discourage the spread of misinformation. Considering that one of the main themes in the novel is the dangers of taking gossip at face value without looking into it, I don’t think that’s a rule we’re meant to find oppressive.

4) Where does it say that the “no talking to WWX” rule is written on the wall? I’ve only seen it in fics. And rereading the extra it was introduced in... hmm, not there... maybe translation differences? Or maybe it’s an exaggeration? Either way, this rule is clearly not taken seriously as WWX is allowed to teach the junior disciples. Without LWJ present even. This is shown in two seperate extras. So, unless we assume that the Lan Sect is too dumb to realize that WWX and the juniors all disappearing at the same time has a connection, we can assume that he’s probably allowed to teach them. And it’s very hard for a teacher to teach without communication with students.

5) Yeah, the Lan Sect has plenty of rules, but the rules are clearly dealt with differently depending on what they are, and the circumstances they are broken in. Like the rule against fighting - that is clearly fine to break if you’re fighting to defend someone or something. The rules against noise and running? Perfectly fine to break if there is an emergency and you need help instantly (or if you want to scold someone for doing something wrong). Someone being unconscious doesn’t violate the sleeping rules either.

It should also be mentioned that they’re even willing to let things slide not only based on serious (we never see WWX punished for running, or sleeping in, for example) but also on knowledge. They don’t punish him for those first four rules he breaks, they just make sure he can’t use not knowing them as an excuse to break more.

6) Yes, “Do not grieve is excess” sounds messed up on its own. But one, I don’t even remember if that’s a canon rule or a fanon rule (this is not as easy to double check as the rules in the extras), but I don’t remember it in any version I’ve seen. Two, there are certain parts of the grieving process that can actually be detrimental to one’s health if preformed for too long. The rule doesn’t put a time limit on grieving, it just says “excess”.

1) I believe it’s mentioned that they were present at the first siege, but it was the Jin and Jiang sects that were leading it and as I’ve mentioned before the fact that they felt the need to hide the bodies suggests to me that the Lans (and Nies) were far enough away from the actual Wen village that they never saw any of the remnants; it’s not like there wouldn’t be a large number of fierce corpses to keep them busy in the Burial Mounds. I think there may have been some Lan cultivators at the ambush? But that may be CQL-only (if it was a thing at all; I may be misremembering), and either way we never get any evidence to suggest their presence was sanctioned by the sect as a whole. And yeah, the Lans at the very least hid LWJ’s involvement from the rest of the sects; it may have just been an attempt to protect their own, but they were prepared to let a connection to WWX slide, at least. (Not to mention I don’t doubt that at least some of them suspected that A-Yuan was connected to WWX in some way, and no one said anything about that; I’ll be the first to admit that I can’t prove that, but it seems like a reasonable assumption.) And as you say, in the second siege they’re quick to stand down when given reason to believe that WWX isn’t an actual threat, not to mention how their sect leader actively sheltered him from the wrath of the sects not long before that point.

2) Yeah, that’s always the thing with the “the Lans locked up the Twin Jades’ mother and forced her to marry against her will” thing. It’s certainly a possibility, but it’s not a guarantee. The only source we get is getting the story second hand from people with a vested interest in making the whole affair look as bad as possible (to lower the risk of their current sect leader and heir doing something similar, which... fails). And if it did happen it doesn’t guarantee they’ll do it again in a very different situation; in fact we know they don’t, since WWX and LWJ’s marriage is accepted, if only grudgingly, and there’s no sign of them locking WWX up.

3) I imagine male and female disciples were always separated during classes, but it doesn’t follow that they’re separated all the time; clearly there are at least co-ed areas, if a female Lan disciple is going to visit the rabbits. Personally I’m thinking maybe the separation is at least stricter during the lessons to avoid distraction (hence why WWX never saw a female disciple as a kid but ran into one by accident while living in the Cloud Recesses) and it was probably a thing while the previous generation was there (CSSR is the exact sort of person to sneak into areas she’s not supposed to be in; I mean, she breaks into LQR’s room). But yeah, if nothing else there’s no reason to believe the male and female disciples don’t share information and a rule against sharing information that isn’t proven true (in a sect with rules against lying) which is generally rather negative towards the target doesn’t exactly seem unreasonable.

4) I think it’s in the ExR translation; is it not a thing in the original Chinese? But yeah, at worst the entire sect turns a blind eye to this rule being broken constantly, and more likely it was just quietly removed (if it was an official, policed rule to begin with, which is debatable). People seem to take that rule way more seriously than it’s ever taken in canon, honestly.

5) Yeah, the Lans are clearly prepared to make allowances in the rules for various reasons; there’s no reason to believe that mental health stuff wouldn’t be considered worthy of a similar allowance. Note that whenever we see a Lan faced with a clear mental health issue their response is to try to help; somewhat clumsily in LWJ’s case, but they do want to help, not shove the person back into some semblance of normalcy. That suggests to me that someone having genuine issues with following the rules would be treated more gently; note that LJY’s rule-breaking is treated mostly with mild exasperation and the usual punishment (which also grants Lan disciples a pretty useful skill, in this case; incredible arm strength is the Lan Thing, after all) and no one really seems to get fed up with him in any serious way.

6) Honestly, of all the sects I think that the Lans quite possibly have the healthiest grief-management stuff? I mean, we don’t see much of the Jins, but the Nies seem to go for “Channel everything into Rage and Fighting” and (while odds are it’s not indicative of the Jiangs as a whole, at least under JFM) every time we see grief in the Jiang sect it involves JC trying to murder WWX, which... is a whole thing. I’ve always taken “Do not grieve excessively” as “Do not let your grief consume you”, which is in fact a healthy way of looking at it; I don’t know if the Lans have grief counselling, but there is a point where grief just becomes incredibly unhealthy and saying “Hey, don’t do that” is at least... something. I do hope they offer some sort of assistance though, because just banning all-consuming grief and offering no help would be a whole mess. Still, if any sect is going to offer some form of counselling it’s going to be the one with the magic music for calming the mind!

#mdzs #cql #y'know i like getting asks in numbered lists #makes it easier to respond to #anon #asks

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goose-books · 4 years ago

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stars: an excerpt from act 2 of darkling [image credit] word count: 1.3k aka: the most holiday-appropriate excerpt darkling has. by which i mean it takes place sort of near christmas & doesn’t make me feel like a crying cat image

context: this takes place about three years before canon (in the text it’s a flashback!); jasper goes to boarding school & only really comes home for the summers and for winter break. cw for misgendering a few times

Vee’s - fifteen when he gets his license; no, sixteen, seventeen maybe - no. It has to be sixteen; fifteen’s too young and Jasper isn’t Jasper yet; seventeen is when it starts to hurt, really hurt, every day. Sixteen is chess and the cane as a friend, not an enemy. And the car keys. Sixteen is the car keys.

He plans it out two weeks ahead of time, in December when his school break overlaps with Jasper coming home - pulls out his little school assignment book, notes down when Dad’s driving to work, when Dad’s working from home, when they’ll be expected to show up at some public Christmas event, what the weather forecast says. “You really think she wants to go sit in the cold and look at stars with you?” Dad says. Not like it’s an attack; more like it’s never occurred to him. Vee should correct him on the pronouns (Vee’s been practicing, even if Dad hasn’t), but he doesn’t, just tilts his head and says, “But I can have the car, right?,” gets a nod and a skeptical eye-roll in response.

He picks three days before Christmas. They leave around eight, when it’s already dark. It’s also cold. Really cold. “This is your plan?” Jasper grumbles as he flips the seat-warmer on. “To go outside? Right now?”

Vee is - Vee is feeling some regret already. He is having some second thoughts. He is shaking like a battery-powered children’s toy, even inside the car. But goddamnit, he made a plan. “Trust me,” he says, trying to tug his gloves on with his teeth so he can keep one hand on the wheel. “It’s gonna be good. Just trust me.”

Jasper arches his eyebrows, but he doesn’t say anything. Just pulls his slush-glazed shoes up onto Dad’s nice leather upholstery.

It’s a fifteen-minute drive - out of Dovermorry proper, up the winding mountain roads at the very edges of the city. Vee spends most of it trying not to think about, and thus thinking about, how weird it is that he only sees his sibling every few months. It’s not like Jasper goes off to school and comes back a different person. No dye jobs; no piercings. He looks the same as he did when he left at the end of the summer, right down to the loose unruly curls he brushes out of his eyes. That’s what makes it so weird. Behind those bright eyes are four months spent somewhere Vee will never be, with people Vee will never meet, and sure, Vee still texts him, still reads his emails, but he barely gets any information out of that. It’s like there’s another layer of Jasper’s world, one Vee doesn’t have. Jasper told them about his new name over the summer, but Vee’s seen the comments on his Instagram posts. No one from his school has called him Circe since April.

“You have your license,” Jasper says, looking straight ahead.

“Yeah,” Vee says, swerving sharply around a branch that looms out of the road’s darkness.

Jasper looks at him sideways. “I don’t know if you should.”

“Dad says I’ll get better.” Vee ducks his head to hide his sheepish smile, but he doesn’t miss Jasper’s snicker.

The wheels whir over the road. Driving in the snow makes him nervous; up here the roads aren’t paved half as well. Still. They’re almost there.

“He’s gonna put Circe on my Christmas presents,” Jasper says, very flatly.

It’s too dark in the car to make out his face, even if Vee felt comfortable taking his eyes off the road, which he doesn’t. He feathers the brake, edges around a snowdrift encroaching on the sheer black pavement. He knows what he’s supposed to say. I’ll talk to him. (He won’t. He’s tried; he gets tongue-tied.) He just needs some time to get used to it. (He knows very well how stupid Jasper will find that.) It’s not like he’s going to lie, either. Dad is going to put Circe on Jasper’s Christmas presents.

“Well,” Vee says, biting his lip, “I won’t.”

They drive the last half mile in silence.

When they stop, they can just barely see the lights of Dovermorry glittering over the ridge. Up here, up higher in the mountains, it’s dark-dark. Real dark, not city dark. Vee unlocks the car, takes his cane with him when he steps out, comes around to the passenger side and opens Jasper’s door. Not out of gentlemanliness so much as a fear that Jasper won’t move.

He does move - albeit with a hiss of, “God, it’s cold as shit out here.” Still, when Vee’s cane slips on a patch of ice under the snow, Jasper catches his arm with ease, unpanicked, unrushed, and Vee steadies himself and smiles at him and gets a quick-flashed smile in return.

They leave the car and walk up the road, footsteps crunching crisply in the fresh snow, until they round the bend and the hills block out the last bit of city-light. Jasper’s a step behind, blowing on his hands, and Vee catches the moment when his face changes - when he looks up and sees the sky bursting with stars above them.

If there’s one advantage to living in the mountains, to standing above the rest of the world, a city closed off with its nose turned up - it’s this. The clear sky, dark and rich as paint, pinpricked with white light. The thousands on thousands on thousands of stars, like sugar spilled across dark cloth.

Up here above the city it’s like there’s nothing else. It’s like the heavens could swallow the world.

Vee stays silent as long as he can. Then, finally: “It’s crazy, right?”

“Yeah,” Jasper breathes, head tilted back, lips parted. “Oh my God.”

Vee could say more - about how he was just driving around, just trying to practice with the car, just trying to get out of the house for a little because when Dad isn’t there it’s far too large. How he found the place by accident. How he sat on the hood of the car until he lost track of time, sat back and stared at the swirling stars until his teeth chattered. How he doesn’t want to show anyone else except the two of them. How places get less lovely when everyone knows about them.

But he doesn’t need to. He thinks Jasper knows that already. Anyway, it’s enough standing here, surrounded by stars, glowing with them, reflecting them, watching Jasper stare up at the sky.

“Perseus, there,” he says after a few moments, pointing. Jasper side-steps closer, interlocks their arms. “And Aries. That line there.”

“Where?”

“Those ones.” Vee traces a line in the sky with one fingertip.

“How the hell is it a deer?”

Vee isn’t very good at judging when Jasper is joking. He ventures a sideways look. He doesn't think it’s a joke. “Come on.”

Mimicked back: “Come on.”

“It’s a ram.”

“Whatever,” Jasper says, rolling his eyes heavenward. “Sure as shit doesn’t look like a ram, either, Vee.”

“But people saw one,” Vee says, and he draws out the path with his finger, imagines connections sparking between each star. “To the point where - where we’re still seeing it. However many years after. You know?”

Jasper doesn’t say anything. But he sets his head, very lightly, on Vee’s shoulder.

They both have thick coats on; the touch doesn’t itch like it usually does. Besides, Vee’s so cold he doubts he’d feel it anyway, layers or not. So he steps a little closer, so Jasper can lean on him, and they tip their heads back and gaze up at the sky and Vee feels like he could drink the whole night, like they’re both glittering with constellations.

They stand there for five, ten, fifteen minutes - Vee doesn’t know. Just until he can’t take it anymore, until he says through chattering teeth, “You wanna go back and turn the car heater on?” and Jasper says, “Oh, my God, yes.”

He doesn’t run ahead, though. He keeps their arms linked - Jasper on one side, Vee’s cane on the other - and they scramble back as fast as Vee can, and then they turn the car on and sit in it parked and hold their hands over the heater and shiver and laugh.

#max.txt #darkling tag #vee greenwood #jasper greenwood #griffin greenwood #now this excerpt does not make me feel like the crying cat image. but you know what does.#editing this & then going directly to writing the next chapter of act six :(#max actually writes

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konaizumi · 4 years ago

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Gen Y ep 11 thoughts/reaction

- yeees, make thanuwayu canon!

- i literally just want wayu to be happy

- one of my favorite things about this show is how mature the characters feel, like a majority of the conflicts are caused by the characters being confused or unsure of their feelings and trying to take time to work through them and this unintentionally hurts other characters, but this feels more genuine than a bunch of drama created by stupid misunderstandings and characters being petty, and yes, communication would help a lot of these problems, but it never feels like the writers are just adding things in for no other reason than ‘drama’

- anyways, back to thanuwayu and that beautiful hug and wayu’s precious smile

- that brief flash of thanu’s smile, looking so genuinely happy to have wayu in his arms

- poor phai tho, I don’t want any of my babies getting hurt

- anybody else freak out for a second when he took off his shirt in the mirror and worry that he had gotten the tattoo then were immediately relieved when his back was still bare? just me?

- i tend to prefer college shows rather than high school ones, but my favorite thing about high school thai bls is how accurately they portray high school boys, just boys goofing off, showing their sexy hips

- pls poktong just kiss and make up already, i liked you a lot better when your genre was fluff

- watching pok being all flirty and douchy just seems out of character

- 15 min in and still no markkit

- i’m glad the whole blackmailing plot has now been fully explained, but seeing sandee suddenly smirking and being an asshole is giving me the same feelings as when poktong got weirdly aggressive last ep (by feelings i mean confusion and dislike)

- i wanted phai to end up with sandee bc sandee was so cute and sweet but i don’t know if i want that anymore

- also i forgive tong a little bit for what he did (getting pok beat up not switching the test scores) knowing that he had good(ish) intentions, he still fucked up tho and did a bad thing

- i’m calling it now, either next ep or next season, right when poktong is finally making progress, pok will find out about the switched scores and bam, drama

- pls poktong just kiss and make up already

- i know this scene is supposed to be romantic and all but i can’t stop cringing at the placement of the kisses, like next to the mouth but not quite the cheek? the chin??

- back to my preferred high school babies

- i can’t stop laughing at how they all got the coming of age parted bangs hairstyle to symbolize that they’re in college now

- all the high school babies look good except for pok who now has too much forehead, not that his style before was great but it was better

- thanu is such boyfriend material

- that phaiwayu hug hurts my soul, wayu looks so happy, i just want them both to be happy and not get hurt

- Finally!! 25 min in and finally we get markkit

- i want more of this thanu, thanu with a smile and joking around with his friends

- I really want jiw’s butterfly shirt

- jack and jew kidknapping mark like that was prob my favorite moment of the whole episode, that gif is now my header

- alright, padbok is back, still waiting for their story, but i kinda hope their resolution waits till season 2 bc i want character development for padbok and there’s already so much that needs to happen next ep that i think his story would only be rushed and somewhat glossed over

- i know some people hate padbok, and i also find him annoying, but ever since they dropped the idea of padbok x sab in an earlier ep, all i want is padbok redemption ark

- i guess thanu is somehow going to feature in the poktong story

- i absolutely love sab and klui, they are my favorites of the high school babies

- i guess i can’t call them high school babies anymore

- jackkoh, just admit your feelings for each other already

- aww, markkitwayu choosing custody over the babies, mark wants to be a good senior so badly

- soon as kit said they hadn’t picked a medicine beau, i was like, it’s going to be tong, and i was right, it’s ittpai all over again, but whether it’s better or worse remains to be seen

- kit really does attract the beau’s doesn’t he

- don’t worry mark, you’re much prettier than pok

- pls give me more kitwayu bonding and helping each other heal from pha

- damn kit, you were so close to getting phai to spill

- yes phai, make kit move in with mark

- i absolutely need to know what kit’s test is for phai’s suitors

- i would just like to admire dun’s ability to look so completely lovestruck, like his gaze is just so full of love and it’s so sweet

- that kiss was so cute, i’m sorry i ever doubted you thanuwayu

- that’s pha’s car isn’t it? he’s watching them? I thought he would come back this ep and cause some drama, but he didn’t so he has to come back next ep right?

- i like that they’ve softened poktong bc i like them much better as friends to lovers rather than enemies to lovers

- honestly, their story has a lot of potential but something about it is just really not working well for me and i think its the weird aggression bc they don’t annoy me when their being sweet and smiling. I think if pok had more of a bad boy vibe originally it would’ve been better bc the aggression wouldn’t seem so ooc and the conflict would feel a bit more natural

- their story also has a ton of parallels to ittpai (my gear your gown), so im interested how it’s going to go bc i did like ittpai despite the narrative issues of that show

- poktong: *doing whatever tf they’re doing*

mark: tf did i just step in

- i really appreciate thanu just saying straight out that he has feelings for wayu, i know he struggled with it, but i like him coming to this point that’s like yes, he feels an attraction to phai, he feels drawn to him and he’s seen their poential future, but right now he has actual, solid feelings for wayu built up from their interactions over months

- what he has with phai isn’t real--it could be real, if he went down that path and choose to get closer to phai, but right now his feelings for wayu are real, so that’s what he’s choosing

- him saying they should never meet again was a little tho, spare my poor baby phai at least a little bit

- i get a dose of serotonin every time i see kit wearing mark’s gear

- the markkit is lacking this ep but they are trying to make up for it with all this good good thanuwayu content

- i’m torn between wanting and not wanting thanu to tell wayu about phai bc it will hurt wayu if he does but it’s gonna hurt more later on when wayu finds out on his own

- I can’t tell if wayu has a suspicion about phai, like he def senses there’s another person but I can’t tell if he knows it’s phai

- okay but thanuwayu are so cute and sweet together

- pls let my babies kiss, i couldn’t appreciate their first kiss bc i didn’t ship them then and wayu thought it was pha so pls let them have a do over

- you know what, i like thanuwayu having visions like thanuphai. I can’t quite tell if that was the writers’ intention, but i hope it is bc that would imply that thanuphai aren’t actually soulmates and that what they see is just a potential future, like they could be happy together, but there are also other people who they can be happy with

- i’m not super crazy about this whole ‘let’s rewrite my memories of pha with memories of you’ bc that doesn’t seem like the healthiest way to move on from pha or to start a new relationship but whatever makes wayu happy i guess

- however i do like how it ties into the whole ‘no predetermined fate’ thing and shows how life is shaped by choices and chance

- pls let my babies kiss tho

- hey so i am not liking this preview of the next ep

- anyways, so i’m liking how their handling the thanuwayuphai thing so far, but it is going to be bad next ep as im assuming the envelope that has phai’s picture is probably phai returning the picture to cut ties but obvi wayu is going to find out about their relationship

- still not sure how i feel about poktong, its better than last ep which i did not like and def shows more potential, but i think we’re gonna have to wait and see, don’t like the direction they’re taking with sandee tho

- also whoops, this got really long but i have a lot of feelings about this show

- fingers crossed for actual markkit content next ep

#gen y #gen y the series #gen y ep 11 #gen y spoliers #gen y ep 11 spoilers #konaizumi reactions

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grumpyhedgehogs · 4 years ago

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what comes next

Summary: CC-2224, an old robe, and a blaster. Cody, a love he never admitted, and dead memories. Obi-Wan used to tell him hope was the most powerful tool a person had. AO3. Part 1 of the Scraps series. Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5.

Warnings: suicidal ideation, canonical major character death. Post-Order 66.

Tagging @juitoverride and @star-temeraire, who seemed interested in my fic! (If you would like me to remove tags please let me know.)

“I think I love you,” Cody whispers. The words don’t hurt the way he expects them to, don’t burn or scrape against his vocal cords. They simply leave an age-old ache, as familiar as the embrace of a friend. The robe twists in his hands, scrunched into a ball in his fists. He can’t let go; the comforting, rough weave digs into his palms, imprinting its crosshatched pattern there. Cody savors it. It’s all he has left now.

Vader has the lightsaber. Cody’s not sure what the Sith will do with it. He doesn’t want to know--if it’s destroyed, if the one thing that for years stood between death and the one man Cody has ever loved is destroyed by that man’s student, brother, child--

Well. It’s not like Cody hasn’t already thought about what he’ll do. It’s not like Cody doesn’t already have a plan. There’s a blaster, non-regulation issue, barcode scraped off, hidden under his bunk. The other troopers leave clones be most of the time, too unsettled by whatever haunts his and his brothers’ eyes. It’s easy to sneak contraband. He’s thought of turning it on Vader before finishing the job, but he knows it wouldn’t work. If Vader was too much for--for him , there’s no way Cody is enough to stop the Sith. He’s thought about it anyway, if only because he knows the end result will be the same, enacted by his hand or Vader's. But this Force osik has screwed up Cody’s life since before it began; he doesn’t want to give the Sith any more satisfaction. It’s time Cody actually takes charge of his life.

It’s just that he can’t seem to rise from his bunk. The robe dropped to the floor in that corridor before Vader’s downswing struck. Cody knows. Cody saw . Cody waited until the rebels fled, until Vader swept away with the ‘saber, until someone in a grey uniform told him to clean up the mess Vader left behind. Then he took the robe and--left. He just left. He’s been sitting here, hands draped in fabric long thought lost, for some indeterminable length of time. He’s tired. Cody hadn’t realized how tired he is until now. It’s the type of fatigue sleep won’t fix. He can’t move, he's so damn tired; his bones are too heavy. His head is full to bursting, with regret and fear and hope and tears and a damn chip rusting away in his brain. He wishes it had never worked. He wishes it never stopped working. It was like that bright flash of blue lightsaber, that clashing sound, that old, worn smile, was so familiar that a switch flipped inside and he wasn’t CC-2224 any longer. He hates him for it. He loves him for it. Cody can’t think straight.

There’s only a few things Cody knows now, that he can keep right side up in his head. They are these: He used to be Cody, and he became CC-2224, and then he was Cody again circa a few hours ago. The man he loves is dead and Cody helped kill him and his entire family. Vader has the lightsaber. Cody has the robe and a blaster and Cody is still in love.

Cody has never said the words aloud until now. The robe isn’t comforting as much as it is damning. He clutches it close anyway. “I love you.”

“Oh no,” says a voice he won’t ever hear again. Cody clenches his eyes shut against a sob. He can see him now as if he is in the room with Cody. He’s sitting across from Cody, leaning forward in a perfect mirror of his former commander with his elbow on his knees. He reaches forward and clasps Cody’s hands in his; Cody thinks he wouldn’t hold as tight as Cody would like him to. He was always so careful with the clones, with everyone he met. He never wanted to hurt anyone. He was the best warrior Cody's ever known. His fingers would be dry and soft and calm and heavy on Cody’s fists. He can almost feel it as if it is real. “No, Cody, no.” Obi-Wan repeats quietly. “Don’t do that. Anything but that.”

“But I do. ” He’s crying like a youngling. If he gets too much salt water on the robe it won’t smell like Obi-Wan anymore. “I love you.”

“Don't love me if you can help it. It won’t do either of us any good now,” Obi-Wan answers, insufferably reasonable. “You have to stop Cody. Oh, darling, you simply must stop hurting yourself like this. You know my heart couldn’t bear it.”

“I killed you.”

“You tried . You'll find you didn’t quite succeed. I’m quite infuriating that way, I’m afraid.”

“I loved you and I helped kill you. I shot at you.”

“I do have that effect on people,” Obi-Wan says airily. “I tend to be a very divisive person. Inspire strong feelings and all that. Can’t be helped.”

“You’re dead.”

“Well, yes,” Obi-Wan agrees, still sounding arch and amused. Cody wishes he could open his eyes to see the familiar, infuriating expression, but he can’t. He knows he’ll be alone when he looks up. He can’t swallow it yet. “But that doesn’t mean we both have to be dead, dear heart.”

“I can’t go on without you. I don’t think I have the strength for it.”

“You’re not alone Cody. I might be gone, but I didn’t take everyone you love with me.”

Rex disappeared right after Cody turned into CC-2224. Ahsoka Tano is still at large. There have been rumblings of a growing rebellion. The blaster under his bunk calls to him again but Cody’s too busy listening to the one voice he wishes he could have back and never will.

“You’ve been on leave long enough, Cody,” Obi-Wan tells him, the sound of his voice fading as he does. Cody knows he is smiling without looking. “It’s time to get back to work.”

Cody opens his eyes. He is alone. It hurts so much he can’t breathe. He does it anyway, if only because Obi-Wan would want him to. Ahsoka. Rex. The rebellion. The trio that ran--Obi-Wan had died to protect them. A boy, barely a man, with blond hair, screaming for Ben as he was dragged away. The princess of a dead planet shooting like she had been born with a blaster in her hands. A man and a Wookie, piloting a ship like Cody hasn’t seen a person do in decades. This is the rebellion? This is what is left of everything they had fought for? This is what Obi-Wan would have him live for?

So be it.

Cody takes the blaster and the robe with him when he goes.

#commander cody #cody sw #codywan #darth vader #obi-wan #obi wan #obi-wan kenobi #obi-wan fanfiction #star wars #sw #star wars fanfiction #star wars the clone wars #star wars the original trilogy #star wars fic #my writing

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whoknowsbud · 4 years ago

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Stand Mutation AU DiU

Again, this is FILLED with body horror and somewhat loose connections to the recent epidemic but they are there. There’s also a massive amount of angst around the Nijimuras.

See the first post & explanation here

Morioh is under a sort of quarantine. Due to not being contagious, it may be more of a research center, to keep research subjects in one place. When people start getting infected again (from the arrow, of course) there’s a pretty massive panic, from people assuming the virus must be evolving. So, aside from finding Josuke, the Speedwagon Foundation has Jotaro there to find who’s using the arrow.

Josuke is pretty much Crazy Diamond; his pompadour is basically a massive diamond helmet, with a heart-shaped front, a few thorny details from dad. Skin might be a little shiny, or sparkly.

Okuyasu begins as extremely feral and rather monstrous, but over time becomes more human. His form becomes smoother, until the infection becomes localized on his right arm. He has the common headlight eyes and his normal hair, but with the black mark covering above his eyes & reaching the tip of his nose, in addition to his scar.

Keicho is also fried, and is basically something of a human-transformer mix. Green camouflage body, bandages around his head, gun arm, helicopter blades in his back… Looks a little like something you’d expect to see if the Terminator had real flesh, with additional machine parts..

Koichi gains the common headlight eyes and starts turning green first. Following, not overnight but still fast, comes the beak, tail, and his lower legs become wheels. He does not lose any of his ability or evolve in the same way, but does change. As ‘act 2’, he regrows his legs (the wheels now his feet), his beak becomes more of a reptile snout, and he’s more armored. As ‘act 3’, he’s back to looking more human. The wheels are now just his heels (yes, heelys), and his tail is shorter.

Yukako… maybe fully made of hair? Or just the same as canon...

Tonio can just imbue his food with the sort of healing power. That or he grows the Pearl Jams on his body, which is very disturbing, so we'll probably go with the first. His power is extremely limited with this infection, which upsets him quite a bit. He can strengthen your body and all, but what can it do with stand shit? This isn't the flu.

Rohan’s arms are like heaven's door's hat; just the yellow lines outlining them. Depending on mood, desperation, & writers block, his sketchy-ness spreads more through his body.

Shigekiyo is a bunch of Harvests in a trench coat! Original Shigechi is essentially the ‘queen bee’ so to speak.

Mikitaka is an actual alien (cause fuck you, we do what we want). Planet was probably overrun by the virus, and he left to… either help other planets with it or prevent it or something… That or just. To find somewhere he can live a better life.

Tamami… probably just about the same, but creates locks on himself as well, for each victim currently affected - not because of guilt or anything, just to make sure they’re still in his control should they separate.

Hazamada is pretty much just Surface.

Akira is, basically, a toxtricity (amped, of course.) But yea, basically take RHCP, give it rocking hair and music ability, and there ya go.

Yuya basically sends his own feet, which gains a vague body to go with them.

Kanedaichi is SuperFly. A few bug decals on the tower maybe… He uses radio waves to communicate, and an unsettling doll to make himself known… Tickle me Elmo.

Terunosuke appears to be origami, with his face drawn on. Despite this, he can’t actually change his overall form.

Yoshihiro is probably the same as canon...

Kira’s mutation is much more subtle than most. His skin is pink, he has Killer Queen’s eyes, and very sharp and stiff ears. He hides most of this with makeup, contacts, and clips his own ears, to live under the illusion that he's 'just a normal guy'. When he feels stress, his face starts turning translucent, so you can see his skull - which reveals that his ears are more part of his skeleton. His hands frequently explode, and his sweat is explosive.

Stray Cat is just the same as in canon.

As mentioned earlier, the Nijimura’s story here is (I believe) even more upsetting than it is in canon. Though Angelo doesn’t happen, Josuke’s grandfather is dead.

Keicho finds the arrow, as he did in canon, but nicks himself in the process. He (somehow) hears the Speedwagon Foundation is looking for it and, realizing the arrow played a big part in the infection, panics. This makes his infection, which was already starting to mutate him, go wild. He turns feral in a different way than most; he guards the arrow, obsessing over it - like their dad over that ripped picture. Okuyasu, of course, tries to get through to his brother.

His body isn’t completely developed; the helicopter blades are half-stuck in his body and his gun doesn’t work. So, when Okuyasu tried to reach him, Bad Company only understands that someone is approaching the arrow, and attacks him… With the arrow. Fully aware of what the arrow did to his brother, Okuyasu is at peace with what’s going to happen to him. His only family is like this, and they don’t even remember him… How much worse could losing his own mind be?

The house is said to be haunted, so when Josuke and Koichi pass it, they stop to look. Koichi mentions, now that he understands a little of the infection, that he wonders if the ‘ghosts’ ‘haunting’ it are just more victims. Josuke realizes it's likely, and tells him to call Jotaro and wait outside.

Koichi calls Jotaro and does not wait outside; he goes in after Josuke, gets lost, and ends up finding the room Bad Company is in.

Meanwhile, Josuke’s struggling against Okuyasu, who may or may not be crying. Josuke realizes this guy really is a victim, and thinks he must be able to help. So, when he does take him down, he tries to fix this, only to feel terrible because this is another thing he can’t fix. But he can’t stay, because Koichi screams, so he has to run.

He finds the room, but it’s obvious that whatever attacked Koichi hasn’t left, and he’s worried this’ll go horribly wrong if he runs in, but if he doesn’t, Koichi’s probably going to die. This is when he hears the bass boost ‘bbbvvvrrrrrrrrr’ and he spins, ready to fight, but Okuyasu’s already erasing the space between them and Koichi, and now he’s in range for Josuke to heal him. Josuke’s not sure what’s happening, but it’s obvious Okuyasu isn’t going to attack. So, Josuke’s healing Koichi, and trying to figure this all out, “so do you… have a sibling here?”

He nods, looking at him with pleading eyes, begging for something. Josuke starts thinking aloud, “they must be infected, too… uh, you... want me to fix them?”

He's nodding so vigorously it looks almost painful, and this is when Koichi wakes up, and he shrieks because what the fuck is that. Josuke makes sure he's okay (Koichi's irises are turning bright yellow, but he can't worry about that right now), and has Okuyasu watch Koichi.

Okuyasu is surprised that he's being trusted like this; but Josuke's already ripping the door off the frame, holding it in front of him like both a shield and battering ram, and he's charging in.

Koichi is far, far too tired to move himself, so Okuyasu carries him away from the fight. But Okuyasu starts fidgeting, worried. He's hearing shots, explosions, and yelling, and there's a lot of smoke. Obviously Koichi's worried too, so they kinda sneak back over to get a look, and what koichi sees is... alarming, to say the least.

Uninfected, you don't see the full quality of his skin, and his helmet just looks like a weirdly solid block of hair. But now koichi's getting the whole picture, and… He's gorgeous.

His body is suddenly shining and sparkling from the armor, his skin almost glittery, and the massive diamond form encasing his head reflects light like a goddamn disco ball - it's all almost blinding

Sexuality crisis ahem so anyways

Josuke eventually gets Bad Company down, and he's trying to heal him, but the light suddenly comes on. They all know someone else is here, so Okuyasu - not wanting anything to keep his bro from getting fixed like he was - runs in to intercept the form coming fast, but Keicho's a little faster

But instead of going for the arrow, it's Okuyasu he targets.

Okuyasu and Josuke are alarmed at this; he'd shown that he only cared about the arrow, why do this? Why go after Okuyasu, before he even got the arrow back?

But Keicho's looking at him - even as this electric being's arm goes through his stomach, his eyes are focused on his brother.

"I act on my orders," he says, whereas before the only thing he ever said was "the arrow", "follow orders"... things like that.

Because Bad Company had been ordered to protect the arrow at all costs

But Keicho Nijimura did that to protect his brother

Which clearly worked against him but moving on

Okuyasu makes this cry, this wail, and Koichi can feel the hurt echoing in him and wishes he could've done something as the being takes the arrow into the light

But Josuke realizes there's a fuse box in here, and its being overloaded, and they need to get out right now, so he grabs the two survivors and jumps out the window.

He ends up being hurt pretty bad splinters of wood dig in his calves and his back, but he's gotta make sure these two are ok.

Josukes not sure if that actually helped, because he's crying so so hard now, and the three just sit there for a while

Okuyasu looks at josuke, crying, pleading... Josuke knows what he wants

"I saw it," he chokes out, "you should know.. Ididn't bring him back, I barely reached him… You did."

Jotaro spots the building when the room explodes and comes running, of course relieved to see these kids are sitting outside, safely... Well. Not dead. Josuke asks about Okuyasu.

"Yea that happened to me, he'll be fine. It's pretty common."

Then he sees Koichi's eyes are a little different and just fuckn grabs the kid and stares super close for a few minutes

Irises are yellow, but more important, the whole ball is getting kinda... segmented? Like... there are creases forming. W/e - they're slowly becoming headlights.

It's an uncomfortable minute for these children, until Jotaro lets him go and says (usual deadpan), "you've been infected."

Then jotaro sets him down and says, usual deadpan, "you've been infected." And Josuke freaks out, assuming he was the cause.

So, Jotaro has to explain that - no, the only way to become infected is if you or a (close enough) relative is injured by the stand arrow. Okuyasu jumps on the phrase, practically barking with desperation. Jotaro, having gone through a rather similar stage, figures it out pretty quickly, "you know about it… where is it?"

“Is that what that weird arrow was back there," Josuke wonders around, jumping when Jotaro focused on him, "well, uh… some electric thing took it… after killing this guy's brother."

Jotaro can't really do much with that, so he moves on, "alright, you three get to the Speedwagon building, I'm gonna do a walkthrough."

They agree, but Okuyasu's looking at the house & not moving Josuke & Koichi try to reassure him about keicho, while Jotaro just walks right in to investigate.

After a minute he comes out carrying Weird Frog Dad who's holding the ripped picture, "what is this." Okuyasu makes this "aa!" sound while the other 2 are Shook.

Okuyasu's looking at Josuke, though he's already moving, but Jotaro stops him, "this can't be fixed." Josuke's like "but i gotta try" and does, and newsflash it doesn't work, but he sees the picture and fixes that and at least that's sweet

So, nearly on the opposite side of the emotional spectrum, the next day we see Koichi skating to school. At first he's very weirded out, tries to hide it, but then he realizes "wait. The town's full of infected people, this isn't that bad." His mother and sister, of course, freak out, but Koichi knows enough to explain it all and put them a little at ease.

Also he does not end up with Yukako, they both deserve better. Like, yea she probably still has her obsession, but it gets handled after the first time. It takes a little while for her to adjust to... not.. doing any of that. But they're both way healthier for it. Not cool or healthy to date your fixation or stalker

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ghost-in-the-stalls · 4 years ago

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Neil Josten's Playlist Part 6 - For Himself

Masterpost and link to the playlist in its entirety here

A lot of the songs Neil keeps are just for him. Sometimes you need to be in your feelings a bit and music is the only place you're comfortable doing that.

2. Shrike - Hozier

After he initially found Hozier, this boy didn’t listen to anything else for weeks straight if he could help it. Shrike I think is just a song that he loves the sound of. Pretty much the only thing we know in canon about Neil’s music taste is that he doesn’t like loud music. Which is incredibly vague and generalizing. To me, that tells me that Neil maybe is actually someone who tends to pay most attention to and by most effected by the sound of a song than the theme or lyrics or genre or anything. If he doesn’t like the sound, he doesn’t like the song. But a sound that appeals to him? Oh boy, he won’t be able to let it go. Shrike is like that for him. It’s gentle and smooth and I imagine he doesn’t pay too much attention to the lyrics or meaning. He just lets himself get lost in the sound.

11. Best Part - Daniel Caesar & H.E.R.

Not too much to say about this. It’s soft and beautiful and smooth, and I think Neil would greatly appreciate the sound. It’s a bit too soft for him to associate with Andrew, but he doesn’t need the association to enjoy it. Neil listens to it on his morning runs when the sun is only just rising and the world is still moving slowly. But he also listens to it on slower mornings when Andrew convinces him to forgo the morning run in favor of breakfast and coffee on the couch with the cats.

17. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

Like some others on this list, this is a song that catches Neil wholly for its sound. Like the title, listening to this song feels a little like getting lost in a dream. There's just something very soft about it, and those are the kinds of songs that catches Neil's attention. He likes that he's found something he can get lost in for a time without losing himself.

27. Hallelujah - Rufus Wainwright

As incredible of a song this is, the origin of Neil's connection to it isn't anything super emotional. The foxes made him watch Shrek. He became very attached to this song and would listen to it on repeat for weeks afterwards. They all got so sick of it. His aux cord privileges were revoked. Matt doesn't need to start CRYING while he's DRIVING Neil, THANK YOU.

As for his connection to it, a big trend I'm seeing in the stuff that I think Neil listens to is that a lot of it is very emotional. Sad songs, moving melodies, beautiful ballads. I think Neil listens to music to help him feel his emotions - like really feel them. He's so good at compartmentalizing and shoving everything down and away (as per the trauma of running for the better half of his life), I think listening to emotional music - like really listening to it all - as a means of getting in touch with the emotions he's always shoving aside would be a great coping mechanism for him. To that degree songs like this just strike a cord with Neil, even if there isn't any parallel to draw between the lyrics and his own life. A song is a package of emotion that Neil can hear and unpack and process at his own pace while retaining a safe degree of separation.

30. Obstacles - Syd Matters

Not a whole lot to say about this one. Neil finds it somehow - either through one of his foxes or just on his own - and he finds it incredibly calming. He keeps it close. It makes him hopeful even on days when he can't bring himself to look in the mirror. The steady melody and repeating words help him get lost in something other than his own thoughts.

35. Ashes On Your Eyes - Deb Talan

This is one Neil found on his own. It doesn't remind him of any of his foxes, though, or his mother. It's one of the few songs he has just for himself. It serves as a reminder that he's going to be okay. He has a great support system, but sometimes he likes to find comfort in himself just to prove that he can still do it. Songs like this keep him going on those days where he doesn't want to bring his problems to others.

37. Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart

This is one Neil gets his hands on in his final year at Palmetto, but it isn't just about Andrew for him (like most of the others from this year). This one is about all his foxes - his family. It's about how lonely he feels even when he has a whole group of people he lives and plays and interacts with on a daily basis. They aren't his people; his people are scattered everywhere. He only learned how to be a real person after he met them. Now he needs to learn to do it on his own. There's a special kind of pain that comes when he thinks of how much he misses each of them.

39. Unsteady - Ambassador X

This song is one Neil thinks of often when he's having bad days. He'll still always end up having some days where he doesn't feel like a real person, and on those days it can be hard to ground himself - to keep from floating away and giving up on everything he's built to run back to being nothing. What helps him most on those days is not being alone. It takes him a long time, though, to learn how to communicate what his needs are on those days. It's pretty lucky that Andrew can read him so well, but during the years when they aren't living together it becomes very hard for Neil to find the words to ask for help. This song helps him with that. The chorus is so short and to-the-point but is still such a bare-bones lay of emotion and need that it centers Neil enough to realize that he doesn't need to explain himself or mince his words when he's asking for help. He just needs to ask.

42. Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day

The downside to having the music taste that Neil does is that sometimes he latches onto something that is apparently a bit cheesy or overplayed, and the foxes gladly tease him for liking it unironically. This is definitely one of those songs. It doesn't matter to him that it was basically everyone's 8th grade graduation song (he didn't get one of those anyway, Matt.) He listens to this and thinks of the passage of time and how hard it's going to be when his foxes are scattered all over the country while he's stuck alone in Palmetto. But they'll be happy, and he'll be happy soon enough after that. They'll all move forward but it doesn't mean they'll lose each other (he has to repeat that to himself on bad nights).

The completely serious way he listens to this song is funny to the foxes at first, but Nicky is the first to break down crying when it stops being funny. He's also the only one to break down crying, but that doesn't mean the others don't get emotional too. ("Jesus, Neil, you got a whole team of collegiate athletes getting emotional over the time-of-your-life song. How much more of a fucking weirdo enigma can you be??" -Andrew at some point probably)

47. Everybody Hurts - R.E.M.

Neil has some pretty intense, pretty specific trauma. Plenty of people in the world have experienced terrible things and it isn't a competition. Neil knows this. However, he's also painfully aware that he's someone who pulled the right numbers in the shit lottery. Sometimes it helps to hear this song.

He knows that maybe his own life experiences were not anything close to what the songwriter had in mind, but it still helps. It helps to remember that he isn't the only person in the world who has terrible days. It even helps to know that people outside of the foxes have bad days. It helps to find a way to feel connected to the larger population of the world. It's a definite new thing for him - feeling like he's allowed to belong in the world - but it's very comforting at times.

54. Lights Up - Harry Styles

((I wish I could remember who made a post once saying this was a very Neil song because that was how I first heard it and I wish I could credit that person. Alas, it was over a year ago when I first read the books and didn't recognize any usernames yet :/ if anyone knows who that is lmk!!))

There are a lot of things Neil doesn't know about himself. There are a lot of things from freshman year and before that he still feels some level of guilt for. But ultimately he doesn't regret a single choice he's made. There are a whole lot of things he's still figuring out about his life. He heard this song and really vibed with the sound and what it was saying. Not much more to say than that. He's found himself in a light that he's happy to stay and figure himself out in.

66. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles

Mary was a bit of a Beatles fan. There were several of their songs she'd play on their long drives when they weren't being immediately tailed.

This wasn't one of them. She skipped this one, every single time. Neil fully understands why. For all the indulgence she gave herself in the music she listened to, this one seemed to cross a line she couldn't handle.

Now Neil listens to it on morning runs and good days. And he lets himself feel okay.

71. Fall on Me - R.E.M.

Neil's had plenty of people trying to hurt him throughout his life. He's never really gotten help from people he was supposed to get it from. And now he has a whole family of people who have experienced similar abandonment.

Sometimes that pisses him off.

Sometimes he just really wishes the world was a softer place. Andrew would say it's dumb to wish, especially for something like that. And he'd be right. But it doesn't stop Neil from thinking it sometimes.

73. Hat and Feet - Fountains of Wayne

Sometimes you're just beaten down and worn out. Just once in a while, Neil wants to let himself feel this without feeling terrible and lost for it. This song helps with that.

Sometimes you're just a hat and feet, and that's okay.

#aftg #my writing #neil josten #andreil #andrew minyard

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drowningbydegrees · 4 years ago

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TITLE: Even in the Dark I Know You (Part 3 of 3) SHIP: Geraskier PROMPT DAY: Six - Monster MEDIUM (Netflix, Books, Games, Hexer): Netflix WARNINGS: No archive warnings apply, but canon typical violence SUMMARY:

The thing is, he’s seen Geralt in a bad way. Even the witcher can’t always avoid injury in his line of work, and so Jaskier has plenty of practice patching him up. But this is new, and it makes something awful and anxious twist in Jaskier’s stomach.

A contract goes wrong leaving Geralt captive and stripped of most of his senses by the time Jaskier gets to him.

WORD COUNT: 2,834 (8,195 total) AUTHOR’S NOTES: Written for @geraltwhumpweek Finally, the comfort part of the hurt/comfort

AO3 Link Tumblr Part 1 | 2

It’s the crash of thunder that finally drags Jaskier from sleep. Maybe just this once, Geralt’s lack of hearing is a gift. At least he can sleep through all the racket.

Except… Except the space on the bed usually taken up by the witcher is empty, and while that isn’t new in the grand scheme of things, Jaskier has still taken to immediately making sure he knows where Geralt is at. His friend would be furious at him probably, but what he doesn’t realize won’t hurt him and it certainly stresses Jaskier out a little less.

“Geralt?” Jaskier asks, stupidly, because of course there’s not going to be an answer. There’s no noise either though. Not of any of the idle tasks Geralt sets himself to to pass the time. And that’s maybe a bit alarming. It’s worrisome enough for Jaskier to sit up at least, eyes widening when he finds himself in an empty room.

“Bollocks,” he mutters, rolling out of bed and yanking his clothes on in a haphazard mess. It’s nothing short of miraculous that Geralt had stayed put as long as he did, but Jaskier was really hoping the spell would run its course before the witcher got tired of waiting. Maybe it did. Maybe Geralt is basking in the relief of being able to engage with the world again, which is not a combination of words Jaskier believes will ever apply to Geralt in any situation, but… Well, he chooses optimism, because the alternatives leave him queasy.

The innkeeper, much to Jaskier’s chagrin, hasn’t seen Geralt and okay, that’s fine. Geralt is up before sunrise half the time anyway, so that doesn’t mean anything. It does mean one thing, Jaskier guesses, that one thing being that Geralt isn’t here. Crinkling his nose and heaving a very put upon sigh that he’s sort of sorry Geralt isn’t around to hear and feel bad about, the bard stalks out into the rain.

There’s one likely conclusion Jaskier comes to when considering where Geralt might go. If he can see again, well he hasn’t seen Roach in at least a week on top of however long he was stuck with that bloody mage, and if there is anything in the whole wide world that Geralt of Rivia truly loves, it’s his horse. So, off Jaskier trudges through the mud to the stables.

Roach whickers at him, and Pegasus, his own mount, pokes her head over the stable door waiting for the apples he always brings. She stares until he’s forced to apologize and show her his empty hands. They’re both safe and warm and that’s good, but there’s no sign that Geralt has been here at all.

Jaskier wanders in search of places Geralt might have gone. The streets of the market are empty except for the occasional overflowing puddle where dirt road has worn away. The smithy is shut up for the day. The grand total of two people who are also out in the rain are no help at all.

Maybe Geralt went to go grouch at the awful mage, which would be very much an improvement over Geralt grouching at him. Also, entirely understandable because the woman is insufferable and Jaskier wants to do a great deal more than grouch at her about it. Either way, it’s the only place Jaskier hasn’t checked, so he sets off in that direction with only minimal grumbling about the weather.

The trek isn’t a long one, but it’s outside of the town proper. The landscape is probably quite beautiful under normal circumstances, but with the rain coming down, and worry crawling up Jaskier’s spine, it’s all horribly bleak. Grass and leaves that might normally be vibrant are dull in the lack of sunlight, leaving the rolling hills feeling like some melancholy memory. The mud squelches uncomfortably under Jaskier’s boots with every step. The poor man who’s caught himself out in this mess looks completely miserable in the hopelessly inadequate shelter of a solitary tree.

Said man lifts his head enough to slough some of the rainwater off of his face, and Jaskier’s heart lurches. It’s not any of the number of progressively more horrifying scenarios Jaskier’s mind cooked up to explain Geralt’s disappearance, but that’s a small comfort in the face of what he’s found instead. Wishing he’d thought to bring a blanket (or anything else, really), Jaskier ignores the rain and the mud, cutting across the meadow to make his way to Geralt.

---

He does not know how much time has passed. Long enough to slide from despair to fury and back again. Anger is the simpler one to cope with, so by the time he feels a hand on his shoulder, he’s bristling against the urge to snarl at his would be salvation. His chest shudders with it, even if he can’t hear himself protest. “I don’t need your help. I’m-”

What is he? Mutant? Monster? He’s the kind of creature villagers assume feels nothing. He’s the sort of thing a mage assumes no one will miss. He’s an entity defined by what he destroys, and in that he’s not so terribly different from the creatures he engineers the demise of. Hardly a person at all sometimes.

And yet, in the face of all his ire, there is still a hand on his shoulder. Fingers curl around it. A hand then, and he sullenly expects he’s going to be bullied into standing up, but it isn’t what happens at all. Against his thigh, he feels someone sink down to their knees. The hand leaves, but only in favor of being a pair of arms that draw him in. The bard, then. Stupid man. He’ll be whining about mud stains on his clothes later, not that Geralt is likely to hear a word of it.

Left to his own devices, Jaskier basks in his creature comforts. Warm spaces and comfortable beds and not the mud and the cold, cold rain. He must be lonely too, Geralt notes, because he hasn’t left Geralt in all this time, and the witcher can’t even hear him to carry on a conversation, and yet Jaskier stays.

What a pair they make. Geralt really shouldn’t need mercy in any shape, being what he is, but he wearily leans into it anyway. He’ll dredge up the energy to pull himself together, but right now he’s just tired. Bit by bit, he caves in the face of unsolicited affection, until he’s cautiously feeling his way up Jaskier’s arms, along his shoulders, cradling the bard’s face. He should let go. He means to. Jaskier leans into his hands and Geralt finds they just won’t budge.

It’s a stupid thing, an emotional thing, a want he’s set aside to gather dust because he knows better. But his mind has been shrieking its loneliness and isolation for what might have been hours, and the face cradled in his palms is sopping wet from the rain, but it’s Jaskier’s and he doesn’t want to be alone anymore. So, when he pulls Jaskier into a clumsy sort of kiss, it’s not so much about desire as it is about contact. He cannot see, cannot hear, cannot smell, but he can feel the hammering of Jaskier’s pulse where one of his fingers settles under the bard’s jaw. He cannot witness the way Jaskier’s arms wind around his shoulders or the way his lips part in surrender, but it’s warm and real, a beacon in this lost and empty place.

Geralt does not imagine the way Jaskier’s fingers clutch at his soaked through shirt. He does not imagine the pressure of Jaskier’s lips fitting against his or the tremor of what is probably a moan when the bard licks boldly into his mouth. For a second, just a second, the awful litany of alone, alone, alone goes silent.

But all at once Jaskier retreats, panting roughly against Geralt’s jaw. There’s a featherlight kiss pressed to Geralt’s cheekbone, a hand smoothing over his rain soaked hair, affection unmistakable even though he can’t see Jaskier’s expression. And he knows Jaskier probably wants to put a pin in this until they can talk about it, but Geralt isn’t sure that’s a conversation they’ll ever even manage, and in the meantime, that awful, lonely ache bubbles to the surface.

“What are we still doing in this town?” he demands, and though he cannot hear himself, he can feel the frustration bleeding into his words like a physical thing.

There’s no answer. Of course there’s no answer. How could there be when neither of them can bridge the gap between them? Geralt heaves out a sigh and tries to jerk his hand away when Jaskier grabs for it.

Only, one of Jaskier’s hands cradle Geralt’s clenched fist, and the other gently coaxes his fingers to relax. It’s just perplexing enough that Geralt lets Jaskier smooth his hand into a flat surface, and trace a shape in the palm of it with one finger.

There are more letters after that. An entire word. Not that it’s any less confusing.

Waiting

---

“For what?” A scowl takes up residence on Geralt’s face, much to Jaskier’s dismay. He’d been so pleased with himself for finally thinking of a way to communicate, thinking it would ease the way for Geralt, but maybe not so much. “If I’m going to adapt to this, it’s not going to be by sitting in that room.”

Oh. Oh no. The mage had said it would wear off, but Geralt couldn’t possibly have heard. Guilt twists miserably in Jaskier’s stomach as he realized the witcher must have thought this was a permanent affliction the entire time and that Jaskier wasn’t even trying to help him fix it. “Oh Geralt. I’m so sorry. I-”

Jaskier stops mid-sentence. The witcher can’t hear him now either. So, he takes Geralt’s hand instead, and traces another word.

Temporary

“The spell?” Geralt’s eyes aren’t even pointed in Jaskier’s direction, but his very genuine surprise makes the bard’s heart ache.

Sentences are slower going, but Jaskier isn’t about let it stand that Geralt thinks he matters so little that his closest friend would just leave him with this. So he tries, watching Geralt mouth the words as he spells them out.

If not, we would be fixing it!!!!!!!!

Maybe that was too many exclamation points. Geralt’s face scrunches up, and it’s either annoyance, confusion, or the fact that the rain keeps dripping from his hair into his eyes. None of those possibilities explain, “It’s not your responsibility.”

Well, that is something they’re going to be unpacking later, at length, when Jaskier doesn’t have to confine himself to sentences his frayed patience can handle spelling out.

I would never abandon you, Geralt. Never. I

“You what?” Geralt prompts when Jaskier stops writing, so quietly Jaskier misses it in the din of the rain. The thing is, there are things he wants to say, but he rather thinks Geralt deserves to hear it. They both do.

Care. I care. About you. Ridiculous man.

“Hmm,” Geralt says, and there in the moment, their back and forth is almost familiar. Jaskier allows himself a relieved sort of smile.

Now can we PLEASE go inside?

---

It’s longer than Geralt is sure he’s got the tolerance for before the spell finally fades. It does fade though, and Geralt doesn’t at all appreciate the mage’s parting gift. As it turns out, not even relief can just be gentle.

There’s no quiet easing of the world back into its rightful place, and while the wave it rides in on would be uncomfortably jarring to human senses, it’s agonizing for Geralt. Geralt wakes to find he’s already caught in the midst of an avalanche, an onslaught that is truly inescapable. The morning light is gray at best, but even with his eyes closed, Geralt feels like he’s staring into the sun. Ducking away only presses his nose more firmly to the blankets that smell of old soap and even older sweat, so overwhelming he can barely breathe. It’s raining again, and where the sound might be soothing any other day, right now it’s like a constant banging right in his ear. Geralt hasn’t even sat up yet, and he’s already feeling something like vertigo, and he hasn’t been sick in ages, but he’ll be damned if he isn’t right on the edge of it now.

He sucks in a shaky breath and hides his face against the pillows, waiting for it to pass. It’s a terrible decision, all told. Absently, he fists his hands in his hair and pulls, straining to focus, but it’s only pain rolling out in one more direction. The scent of all the other people who have slept in this bed is far too much and with his eyes squeezed shut, Geralt scrabbles for the edge of the bed, stomach lurching threateningly.

It doesn’t matter in the end. Nothing comes up but an awful, sour taste that collects at the back of his throat, and that might be worse because the nausea refuses to pass. There’s nothing comfortable about his head hanging over the side of the bed. The room itself isn’t offensive, but even the subtle sweetness of the wine left in the bottom of a carafe across the room is too much, inescapably so.

Geralt doesn’t realize he’s even made a sound, but a warm hand splays between his bare shoulder blades, more familiar now than it’s ever been. Jaskier, bless him, has probably been practically vibrating with the need to have a conversation, but he doesn’t try to. He doesn’t speak, barely even breathes as he presses closer and coaxes Geralt from the side of the bed.

Rosemary. Jaskier shuffles and Geralt catches a hint of it, and it’s the first thing since he’s woken up that hasn’t threatened to upend his stomach. So really, it’s just instinct that makes him roll over and take reluctant refuge in the space under Jaskier’s chin. Conveniently, Jaskier folds his arms around Geralt like the witcher belongs there, and the bard’s shoulder blocks the light far better than anything else so far.

Jaskier must feel when Geralt’s pride catches up with the rest of him, because there’s a hand cradling his head, a thumb sweeping indulgently across his temple. Still, Jaskier doesn’t speak, but Geralt can feel the bard’s lips move against his hairline. Stay.

“I don’t need this,” Geralt mutters, his own voice like screaming right in his ear. He hates the way he shudders in the wake of it. “I’m not-”

“Geralt. You don’t have to be unbreakable.” Jaskier whispers, but it’s a careful thing, quiet it enough that it almost doesn’t hurt. “I’m certainly not.”

“It’s different.” Against Geralt’s forehead, he can feel the steady beat of Jaskier’s heart. “You’re human.”

“And you’re what?” Jaskier asks like the answer doesn’t matter. He scritches at the nape of Geralt’s neck, a welcome relief, no matter how much the witcher doesn’t want it to be. By inches, he melts into it, chasing after the soothing scent of rosemary and Jaskier’s skin as he hides away from the light.

“...not,” Geralt settles on, quietly as he can manage, though the rumble of the word rattles his teeth in his skull. “I can’t be this.”

“I’m going to assume by ‘this’ you mean your self-loathing… self. So no.” Jaskier smiles against Geralt’s forehead, and he wants to be frustrated, angry, something, but the feeling won’t come. Later, he might fume about the vulnerability he was forced to suffer through the last few weeks. Later, he might be inexplicably angry that Jaskier stayed and treated him like he was worth the trouble of sticking around for, even though they both know that’s ludicrous. For now though, he just doesn’t have the energy.

Instead, he thinks about the way Jaskier yielded, when all the world was dark and silent and terrible. Alone, alone, alone. Without thinking, he tips his head up, and maybe it’s to tell Jaskier to please stop talking, or maybe it’s to learn what Jaskier’s mouth feels like molded to his in the light of day. The world has still gone dreadfully sideways, and even as the aching in his head begins to recede a little, Geralt still feels one drink away from puking his guts out. He allows himself a single kiss, a quiet, tender thing before reality overwhelms anything he might happen to want.

“Right. Good. Okay, I guess that clears some things up. Anyway, don’t be that.” Jaskier’s voice is painful in the way every sound is painful, but it’s more the tolerable, pressing on a fading bruise kind of hurt, and Geralt bears it willingly. When Geralt shuffles to press his forehead against the bard’s collarbone, Jaskier doesn’t resist or give chase. He snuggles into the blankets, his body a buffer of sorts. Geralt hears a quiet hitch in Jaskier’s breathing, an anxious hesitation before he pulls the witcher more snugly into his arms. “Just be mine.”

#geraskier #geralt of rivia #geraltwhumpweek #geralt x jaskier #Jaskier #my fic #the witcher

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chuchiotaku · 4 years ago

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Ok, first of all

HOW DARE YOU MAKING ME THINK I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL JANUARY FOR THE NEW CHAPTER!? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF THE HEART ATTACK I HAD THIS MORNING WHEN I SAW THE UPDATE!?!?

Ok, now that, ehm... I'm calmed down, let me gush on your art piece once again.

I loved everything. I said last time that I wanted some shocking dose of angst, but I didn't knew how heart clenching would have been seeing Ron saying goodbye to... his friends, again, and for the last time. How many things not said, how many plans that will never see the light, how many... apologies, never to be make...

I'm happy that the mirror made him see (and hear) what his loved one truly thought of him, but I'm still bitter for the fact that he had to DIE before he actually got some vocal recognition.

But moving on from depressing topics, I loved seeing the sibling so tight with each other and Harry! I felt almost as if you anticipated Harry's second year summer, and now they get to see Sirius too? Original Harry would be terribly proud of his Ron and terribly jealous of that little Harry...

I really liked Pettigrew's breakdown at the end of the process. And I loved (and hated too, of course) his threats: making 'regret to be born' the same guy that fought and gained the upper hand on Bellatrix? Twice!? Ok buddy, whatever makes you feel better... But if in order to hurt Ron you target one of his brothers or Ginny... well, it has never been a pleasure meet you.

And it's also good seeing Pandora alive! Another Truespartan's Fateverse character added in the rooster, I can't wait to see her in action!

And at least this time Albus is actually ackwnoledging Ron, wonder if he's already planning a role for him in his chessplay againts Tom. I hope he will grow to love him as he'll love Harry.

And I know tastes are subjective but... I think the anon was just short sighted, Ron is totally the person that for his loved ones is ready to move mountains and seas (Buckbeak's trial proved it. How he started searching for past trials in his free time is proof how much is ready to invest himself if it means to help his friend) and I don't expect that everything is going to be all fine and dandy the whole time. Peter's threats scream 'FORESHADOWING' for an ipotetical plot in the third year (way less traumatazing regarding what happened with him in Fate... brrr). Ron is just... trying to sow the best he can, and only at the reaping time we'll see what he did right or wrong.

Keep it going! You are an increadible writer! See you next time, and happy new year!

(And give me some Daphne showtime damn it!!)

First off, anon, happy New Year! 🎉🎉🎉

Ahaha, sorry about the mini-heart attack. I was aiming to post chapters 14 and 15 relatively close together because they’re initially planned to be one chapter but I hit some snags so yeah, chapter 15 got delayed. But at least it’s up now, right? :)

[Warning: Long response ahead. ]

I said last time that I wanted some shocking dose of angst, but I didn't knew how heart clenching would have been seeing Ron saying goodbye to... his friends, again, and for the last time.

That part at the mirror was very relatable, I think. There are things we will always want, but deep down, we know they can never be. In order for Ron to move forward, he had to acknowledge that and let go, something he learned he had to do after that Owlery scene with Harry.

Not that he entirely has, mind you. But it’s a good step forward.

I'm happy that the mirror made him see (and hear) what his loved one truly thought of him

It’s a comforting interpretation, but I feel the need to remind my readers that the Mirror of Erised shows only the deepest desires of its viewer. The scene where the new life versions of Ron’s loved ones take over the older ones, telling Ron that they accept and love him, is Ron’s true deepest desire now that he time travelled. Not that it is what’s real. That’s why Ron broke down, because he knows deep down it’s just a fantasy. Weell, we know that’s not entirely true, but to him it is.

(The Deluminator souvenir from Death and its visions, on the other hand...)

but I'm still bitter for the fact that he had to DIE before he actually got some vocal recognition.

You know what they say: you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. :shrugs: Honestly, Ron is such a taken-for-granted character both in the books and in the fandom, it’s so frustrating...

Anyway, getting off the angst train!

I loved seeing the sibling so tight with each other and Harry! I felt almost as if you anticipated Harry's second year summer, and now they get to see Sirius too?

I wanted to show the tight knit Weasley dynamic JK claims they have but never really showed because we are limited to Harry’s narrative (which is understandable). And as what I have planned for second year summer: safe to say, it will start off like what happened in the books before it veers off canon course. Because Sirius and Remus are there, and Ron knows it. :)

Original Harry would be terribly proud of his Ron and terribly jealous of that little Harry...

But of course! I’d like to think that Ron is one of the, if not THE, characters in his age group that Harry holds such high regard for.

And who’s to say jealous Harry won’t make an appearance? When Ron’s making more friends outside the Gryffindor house, and a certain someone may get close enough to threaten the best friend position? 😉😉😉

Pettigrew doesn’t know who he’s messing with, but Ron too is underestimating the rat a little too much. Good thing that won’t cause him any problems in the future. 😒

But if in order to hurt Ron you target one of his brothers or Ginny... well, it has never been a pleasure meet you.

Now that would make Pettigrew wish he was never born. Haha!

And it's also good seeing Pandora alive! Another Truespartan's Fateverse character added in the rooster, I can't wait to see her in action!

Pandora is Luna’s mother’s canon name, but yes I did get the inspiration from Fate, as well as The Red Knight. But she won’t be around until Book 2. Don’t worry, it will come. I hope. :sweatdrop:

And at least this time Albus is actually ackwnoledging Ron, wonder if he's already planning a role for him in his chessplay againts Tom.

Of course Albus will notice a smart and wise beyond his years eleven year old who became best friends with Harry Potter, managed to take on a troll then get involved in the reveal and arrest of a mass murderer who may have something more in common with him than he originally thought (coughmirroroferisedcough). How Ron will benefit from this attention (if he ever will) or how he’ll deal with this new complication will be part of the story’s fun. And we’re just getting started.

I hope he will grow to love him as he'll love Harry.

I think many can already tell where I’m planning to go with Albus and Ron’s relationship. The specifics, however, are the ones I can leave you guys guessing. It will be good! Hopefully! 🤞

I saw it as Guest being too fixated at what happened in the books that they didn’t take into account that the second I changed something in the fic, the butterfly effect is bound to occur. In fact, Ron’s very presence in a world that isn’t what he left behind is already creating many ripples. I honestly also saw it as them underestimating Ron a bit. He’s a typical boy during most of the books: lazy with his studies because he is unmotivated. Give him purpose and you’ll get to see him really shine, exactly like what you said about the Buckbeak thing.

It’s canon that Ron is smarter than he appears. I mean, can a normal eleven year old remember the exact names of the laws on dragons, even if their brother is a dragon tamer?

(It’s also another good basis on how much Ron admires Charlie that he can remember that much! Sorry, Solstice Muse turned me into a Charlie/Ron bro fluff fangirl after Ickle Ronniekins)

I don't expect that everything is going to be all fine and dandy the whole time. Peter's threats scream 'FORESHADOWING' for an ipotetical plot in the third year (way less traumatazing regarding what happened with him in Fate... brrr).

Fate is a very heavy read, combining some of my favorite Ron-centric tropes while taking their fic to a newer, darker spin. Truespartan has done a wonderful with it so far (I haven’t finished it yet,). But as most of you can already tell, my story will be fart different from theirs.

That doesn’t mean there won’t be some dark moments in TBA. And I’m so thrilled that you got the idea behind Pettigrew’s threats. They ARE foreshadowing what is to come starting Year 3. But what exactly? Care to take a guess?

Ron is just... trying to sow the best he can, and only at the reaping time we'll see what he did right or wrong.

Very true. Although to me, it’s not a matter of whether it’s just “right or wrong”, and more of “can Ron deal with the consequences of the changes he made, and whether those consequences are worth the changes?”

Example: from a strictly moral standpoint, revealing Pettigrew and clearing Sirius’ name is the best good and what Ron should do from that thematic perspective. However, these actions will cause some events to change from what he knew, and even cause entirely new ones (i.e. the plot of Year 3). Is it worth the possibility of rendering Ron’s future knowledge almost useless? Who knows?

Keep it going! You are an increadible writer! See you next time, and happy new year!

Thank you so much for your kind words! You guys are the reason TBA is still running even after all these years and me taking long breaks. I hope to finish TBA Year 1 within 2021 so please be patient with me. I’ll do my best!

(And give me some Daphne showtime damn it!!)

Oh, trust me, I have big plans for Daphne and Astoria. Might get flak for it in the future, but for this, I’ll have to stick with my guns. Oh dear...

💖 Happy New Year to you too, anon! And thanks for the ask. 💖

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elyvorg · 4 years ago

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Still a Hero - author’s commentary (part ADHD)

Yep, it’s that fic of mine again, the one I still haven’t stopped thinking about even though I published it like half a year ago now. I’m finally getting around to doing a little bit more author’s commentary on it that I didn’t do back then, because these bits involve the idea that Kaito has ADHD, and at the time I hadn’t yet made my post explaining all the reasons why I’m sure of that and all the symptoms of ADHD that Kaito is definitely affected by. For the purposes of this post here, I’m going to assume you’ve read that. Heck, even if you’re not interested in my fic, if you enjoy my analyses of Kaito, please go read that post if you haven’t already! It’d mean a lot to me.

My headcanon of ADHD-Kaito in DRV3 itself may or may not have been something the writers actually meant to drop a million hints towards and therefore may or may not be the official canon “truth” about him. But, since I’m the writer of Kaito in this particular fic, and I did have it consciously in mind that he’s ADHD while writing it, Kaito being (unknowingly) ADHD is officially canon in the Still a Hero universe, because I say so.

(And yeah, I doubt anyone even noticed this. Imagining that he’s ADHD doesn’t change anything about who Kaito is; it only adds an extra interesting layer to why he is this way. All I did was use that to help inform the ways I wrote him reacting to some of the things he went through in the fic.)

Chapter 2 – emotional dysregulation

The second and significantly worse half of Kaito’s self-torturing session, once he snaps and gets uncontrollably, painfully angry, was something I deliberately wrote as being some very nasty emotional dysregulation.

For the first half of this ordeal, when he’s thinking about breaking out on behalf of the kids to prove it’s possible after all, Kaito’s still basically in control of himself. He’s being stubborn and short-sighted and self-destructive and definitely making the wrong choice, but it’s still him making a choice and consciously deciding of his own volition that this is a good idea, that this pain will be worth the end result that he can totally reach.

This stops being the case after long enough, though – and it’s no coincidence that it happens right when it begins to sink in for Kaito on a deep, visceral level just how horribly helpless he is.

At that point, Kaito pretty much just snaps and loses control entirely, getting overwhelmed by a disproportionately-amplified rage that’s really just a defence mechanism for those other feelings that he simply can’t cope with. He drops any sense of the vaguely-rational mindset he had at the beginning that this is going to take a while and only gradually chip away at the frame’s integrity each time, and devolves into a completely irrational THIS NEXT SINGLE HIT WILL DEFINITELY BREAK IT. Which, of course, is incredibly counterproductive in that it only serves to make him feel even more weak and helpless furious when it repeatedly doesn’t.

Thankfully I don’t get the fly-into-a-rage kind of ADHD emotional dysregulation that often – but this also means that I can look at the very specific edge cases that do happen to trigger it for me and figure out that the root cause is almost certainly a completely immovable sense of helplessness. I’m not saying this is necessarily the case for every ADHDer who suffers from anger issues, but man does that make for some delightfully convenient personal experience for me to have drawn on when writing this particular scene.

I can also confirm from this experience that what sucks way more than the actual initial problem that the anger is triggered by (which doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal! ADHD loves to amplify stupid tiny things!) is the anger itself once it takes hold, how completely all-encompassing and uncontrollable it is. Nobody should ever want to feel that way. It’s different when you have a cause to be righteously angry about, like Kaito did at the beginning of this scene, but what I’m talking about doesn’t feel anything like that – it just feels ugly and painful and wrong.

Mind you, when this anger first takes control of him, Kaito does also choose to indulge in it rather than fight it, because he’s still stubbornly insisting to himself that any kind of pain is better than giving up. (Meanwhile, in other situations where Kaito’s gripped by this kind of too-strong anger, such as when he might end up hurting someone he cares about (oh hi trial 4), he’d probably be trying to fight it to some extent… but even when he does that, it doesn’t seem like it’s very successful.)

But even then, there’s some small, smothered, barely-acknowledged part of Kaito that really doesn’t want this at all. That part of him begins to feel more trapped by his own anger than by the contraption itself, hating the way he refuses to let up on hurting himself both physically and emotionally and really wishing he could control himself and just stop.

The problem is that the only real way to try and quell this kind of anger is to confront the true (and equally-amplified) painful emotions that the anger is just a cover for. Which in this case would, in theory, result in Kaito breaking down in a huge crying fit over how utterly trapped and helpless he feels. Yeah, no way he's doing that at this point in his arc, so furious self-destruction it is!

Chapter 4 – uncontrollable thoughts

Multiple times throughout the fic, but especially in chapter 4 when he’s attempting to sleep, Kaito tries to just think about nothing at all. He never truly manages it, because ADHD minds cannot ever think about nothing.

(…You know, even as I say that, there’s still a part of my brain going “but isn’t it actually because it’s not possible for anyone to think about nothing?”, despite that I’ve heard that actually that’s a perfectly reasonable thing for neurotypical people to be able to do. Sounds fake, but okay. My brain has never shut up even once in my life.)

The other problem here is the ADHD inability to properly control what we’re focusing on and thinking about. I’ve found that this gets even worse when I’m tired, dulling what little control I ever had in the first place. Instead of thinking about nothing, I just end up thinking about whatever random crap happens to be in the path of least resistance for my train of thought. This can be… not great when it comes to avoiding bad thoughts that it’s easy to spiral into focusing on when left unchecked.

I had this idea in mind a lot for this chapter as Kaito attempts to sleep. Usually, he’d be firmly trying to think about anything but what’s happening to him right now and how he’s feeling about it. When he’s this horribly exhausted, though, he has so much less control over that. So he keeps getting unwillingly bombarded by thoughts about the most immediate physical sensations he’s feeling – hungry, thirsty, hurting – and how much he wishes they’d just go away, even though that’s the last thing he wants to think about.

The whole “someone who thinks he’s strong” thing was meant to be this kind of idea, too. When Takehira says that to him at the beginning, it lodges somewhere deep in Kaito’s mind, because he subconsciously already feels like it’s the truth about him and is terrified of what it’d mean if it was. So naturally, on the surface, he stubbornly files it away as Not Worth Wasting Time Thinking About. But then it keeps popping into his head anyway, usually in moments where his mental defences are weakened, because an ADHD brain does not care what its owner doesn’t want to be thinking about and will nudge their train of thought down those paths whether they like it or not.

(Okay, so maybe all of this isn’t quite so specifically being caused by Kaito having ADHD. Probably anyone who’d been through what Kaito had would have lost a lot of their ability to control what they’re focusing on and thinking about by this point. …Unless the neurotypical equivalent here really would be to just naturally stop thinking about anything out of exhaustion, despite not being able to actually sleep? I wouldn’t know. But my point is that I had ADHD-related ideas in my mind to help me write this, either way.)

Chapter 6 – rejection sensitivity dysphoria

Kaito’s huge sobbing fit over believing he’s failing Shuichi and Maki was something I had very consciously in mind as the absolute worst kind of RSD-fuelled breakdown imaginable.

It might have seemed a bit excessive of me to have Kaito’s emotional pain completely eclipse the actual physical torture for so long – and he was sobbing uncontrollably for something like half an hour, maybe more, before it wore itself out – but, no, can confirm, RSD really is just that fucking awful. Imagine the already-very-legitimate pain of being convinced that his best friends are going to die because of him, but disproportionately multiplied by like a thousand. Next to that, the excruciating torture-poison is nothing.

(Well, maybe this would have made sense anyway, because the fact that the thought of getting his friends killed hurts even more than the torture is precisely why Kaito was obviously never going to break! But that wasn’t actually the main thing on my mind when I wrote it that way; I just realised that it fit that after the fact.)

I also drew off my own experiences of some of my worst RSD episodes (which were still not nearly as bad as what Kaito went through here, and which thankfully I haven’t had that many of) to help me write Kaito’s physical reactions to this kind of emotional agony. I hope I did a good job of getting across what it physically feels like to be crying that horrendously, uncontrollably hard – not just quiet sobbing, but straight-up loud, ugly, inconsolable bawling. In a way, writing it felt almost like yet another kind of torture I was putting him through.

#danganronpa v3 #kaito momota #kaito whump #torture #adhd headcanons #personal?#ramble #writing #as vaguely promised ages ago #for the tiny intersection of people who might be interested

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