#anyway this has been eating me alive
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hey. btw. one of the worst parts of having autism and bpd is the genuine, real grief you feel when characters in your hyperfixation/special interest die. especially with the bpd making the grief feel.. more, bigger, louder, to an extent that impacts your day to day life. i am grieving for these characters even though i never got to personally know them. my heart hurts and my throat closes up, i cant breathe and now im crying. the thought of this person, this fake person, this image, dying has me in literal shambles. and now i am grieving.
#i genuinely hate this because it has impacted me so much#ive gotten hyperfixated onto jujutsu kaisen#and the autibpd combo has me genuinely crying#feeling bouts of depression#over these damn CHARACTERS#all because i love them#because i (stupidly) see them as more than just characters on a screen#anyway this has been eating me alive#and it will continue to do so#back into the void i go#byebyee#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#<- i feel like the masses will agree with me to some extent#nanami kento#geto suguru#riko amanai#choso kamo#gojo satoru
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fck it *comes back from the death to repost all their 2015 Inside Out art*
#inside out joy#inside out sadness#joyness#inside out anger#inside out disgust#inside out fear#inside out riley#polymotions#i think that was their ship name#inside out 2#nevermoreart#those are all so old#almost ten year has passed#i didnt knew how to draw a background to save my life#anyways hi#my job hs been eating me alive since april#love u guys if u still remember me
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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So I remember reading a headcannon (awesome art btw!!!!!!) by @naninnai about Sampo's pupils turning to slits when he's upset and, not gonna lie, that shit has altered my brain chemistry, it has not left my mind since the day I read it. I have incorporated this headcannon into my belief system and stellar projections.
My gushing aside though, I think we can dig a little deeper with this. Considering Sampo's (cannon!!!!!!!!) snake symbolism, I think it'd be pretty cool if his pupils are naturally slits but because of his association with elation ( + the Emanator Sampo Theory) they just permanently turned bigger. Like how people's pupils turn when they are high or see something they really like. A permanent Elation cursing through him at all times. So now they go back to normal when he is genuinely upset?
#maybe it happened when he turned into an Emanator#idk#this headcannon has been eating me alive since I saw it#anyway#Sampo Koski my beloved#hsr sampo#hsr sampo koski#hsr#honkai star rail#sampo koski
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his ass is NOT listening
#ripley doesn't know how to draw#gravity falls#the book of bill#billford#human bill cipher#i had a vision#listen people are drawing this line all menacing n shit#and thats awesome i eat it up every time#but the way it says he laughs humorlessly.#in my brain hes saying it like. idk how to describe it#like when youre saying something sad/negative and youre smiling but in that tired way#like. sigh. sixer. it would eat you alive.#in that quiet way#does this make any sense#or am i prattling on about absolutely nothin#you tell me bro#anyways this was a fun thing to make#gravity falls has been taking over my mind a bit recently#so yeah!#i love toxic old man yaoi#well at this point ford isnt too old hes not old man yet#so ig just. toxic man yaoi#amazing
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it’s so hard for me to imagine alucard in a modern au . . . like what in the world is he doing in the city?!
#that distinguished man has no business in the 21st century#the lack of manners would eat him alive#like yeah he has a mouth on him and can dish shit back but#adri can only do that for so long before wondering if the world’s truly gone to shit#technically a modern version of alucard exists . . .#genya arikado is right in front of me but im not feeling him lol . he seems like a completely different person#who STILL looks far too old fashioned to be living in 2040 whatever time#idk i just . . . i’ve been thinking of writing him in a modern setting but i just can’t wrap my head around that#you mean this man would be going to shake shack? driving cars? using a credit card instead of ducat coins?!?!!!#no way . that man belongs in the 1400s for sure lol#wow i really ended up running my mouth 😭 anyway i love that man just as he is!#꒰ঌ rambles.ᐟ ໒꒱#ৎ୭ ⨾ alucard.ᐟ#꒰ঌ castlevania.ᐟ ໒꒱#alucard#adrian tepes#adrian fahrenheit tepes#alucard castlevania#castlevania netflix#castlevania#alucard tepes
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A few Exo!Duo sketches I am currently working on^^
#art#wip#destiny 2#destiny 2 art#digital art#rasputin#clovis bray#exo#these are so messy I apologize#also artblock has been eating me alive#i need drawing ideas#plus finals are coming#but anyway#exo!duo#look at the itty bitty red#and the asshole genius himself#I wanna finish this soon but don't know when ;-;
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#i am officially one week into my trip to brasil and i am so fucking happy#like its hot as fuck rn bc theres been a heat wave the past few days and it feels like DEATH outside#but the beach has been gorgeous the city is amazing the food is beyond words (obv lol)#and im just. im so happy to be here guys im so fucking happy#mygrandparents didnt flip over my tattoo like i expected them to and my grandmother even said she likes my lil crop tops#which is WILD bc this is a very seventh day adventist couple who usually dont like showing skin or things like that#but theyve been very chill with me and even though its been tough seeing how alzheimer's has been affecting my grandmother#its also really nice having this time with them and having them show me the church they got married in 60 years ago & the city they met in#its just been really nice all around and even though we still have a month left i already dont want to leave#although ngl i do miss writing oh my GOD the brain worms have been eating me alive i have so many lil blurbs written down that i want to#expand upon and im ITCHING to get back into writing again#anyway i hope you all are doing well i miss u i still dont have access to discord so im SORRYYYYYYY to anyone waiting on me#but mwah im gonna go eat dinner i love you allllll!!!!!!#personal
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the silt verses: chapter 34
chapter 38
#p#tsv#the silt verses#im being so brave n tagging this + making it rb-able. i think#posting this for my own benefit cuz it made me go nuts (positive) when i listened to ch 38 n got to this part#i was like WAIT THIS REMINDS ME OF SMTH#n then i found the right ep to check the transcript for the first one n i was like YESSSS >:)#this podcast dude.....im eating it its eating me we're (cant spell the O word) snake eating self thing#this is like. what if we were both prophets of our faith (in different ways i think)#n bargaining w our god for the safety of our loved ones#basically threatening it w the power we have over it#And we were both trans??? :O#Also! how theyre both v like jaded abt their god when they started w good intentions (paige)#or like such zealous belief n feel the bad actions u do are justified by ur faith n its for ur god etc (faulkner but i worded it badly)#now that im rambling here: anyway i do miss that faulkner era sldjk like hes still doing fucked up stuff ofc#but at this point he admitted he doesnt feel the same abt the trawler man n is maybe more like carpenter at the beginning of the series#ok 38 made me cry it was wild actually. the stuff w his dad got me dude!!!#him telling raine that hes wanted to like confront his dad for not being around for him+his brothers n basically abandoning him eventually#but now that theyre together again he cant cuz his dad isnt even like. himself sometimes n needs to be looked after etc#this podcast is great w complicated parental/family relationships i think. faulkner n his alive brother+dad#paige w her dad + carpenter w nana glass#anyway back to 38 lol n when faulkner had to comfort his dad who thought he was his abusive uncle not his son n kept repeating#''i love u. im not him'' jeeeeez#then when his dad is more coherent n they have a long talk abt how faulkner (richard lol) has been n that he thinks hes rly fucked things u#<- CORRECT#OHH n the trans stuff omg like 'ur voice is deeper than last time i saw u' n feelin bad he couldnt afford#testosterone when faulkner was younger n stuff n saying how he looks n sounds suits him n skdjdk wah#ok posting this before i can regret it byeee
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True enjoyment of interests™ means subtly wearing something in a way that someone might kinda go "🤨? - that's kinda familiar" but not be confident enough to actually call you out on it for each one
(Source: ME, who owns zip-at-the-front boots like Cloud Strife/buster sword earrings & keychain/Kirby earrings/Legend of Zelda earrings/white gloves that give off the strongest Sonic vibes ever/anklets for Cove/green & gold nail polish for Lloyd etc)
#im actually a walking advertisement for most of my interests#you just have to look close enough#'I don't talk about the things I enjoy/hide any enjoyment of them' - ??#no??#you're just not cool and in-the-know and can see all my cool references actually#get with the programme smh /j#although when someone DOES recognise one of them I kinda wish they didn't because im terrified that they'll start quizzing me or something#OR im now nervous bc now I have to talk about my interests and not seem INSANE to the other person who's probably a casual enjoyer#something something that one post about someone explaining the difference between the 2 using doughnuts as the object of interest#the casual fan just enjoys/eats them while the 'insane one' built their house out of doughnuts#i have built so many houses#ANYWAY - also hello im alive :3#sorry for falling off the face of the earth for like a good week or 2 i think - id say id been busy but thats not true LMAO#just rotting away👍#(FFVII remake sucked me in - im so sorry... it got me😔 it got me GOOD - i am NOT the strongest soldier it has taken me over)#hmiae rambles#hmiae personal#ninjago#lloyd garmadon#ffvii#ffvii remake#cloud strife#kirby#the legend of zelda#our life beginning and always#our life cove#cove holden#sonic
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ngl ive been having A Time of it, though, as of late, and it’s not even just the new job. My body has decided to malfunction in several different confusing ways and I have to force my brain to stay awake sometimes
#this week has been bizarre#my heart rate is way too low#it’s like. am i even alive. then i stand up and it surpasses 100#I keep falling asleep in the middle of the day#and I cannot seem to eat enough calories because my blood sugar keeps dropping like it’s hot#and my migraines returned full force because i changed medication#which are back under control thankfully#and i just found out i have hormone imbalances on top of several deficiencies#which might be why i am now intolerant to Every Food#anyways#my doctor and I are playing#let’s throw every supplement and medication at my body until something works#currently#hopefully vitamin D supplements will fix me#ramblings
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Okay, so not fanfic/writing stuff but do you ever think of how close Calla and Kody used to be? How sweet and bright and encouraging she was towards him when they were younger? How friendly and warm she was? How they smiled at each other? It makes me want to eat rocks.
#Lumine#Lumine webcomic#Lumine (webcomic)#Lumine (webtoon)#Lumine webtoon#And then ableism starts dragging Kody down.#Dozens of things that are either pinpricks or full-on bricks getting slammed into him (figuratively. I do not mean. Kody got beaten with#bricks.)#''It's not like he could have played anyway--he can't use magic''#Kody's disappointment and heartbreak at not being able to use magic like the other witch kids#Him finding other ways of being a witch (potion making) to accommodate to his limitations#But still not being seen as a proper witch according to some (i.e. Calla's family; ''they could forbid me from seeing you/us being friends#if they found out'')#Anyways I don't really know where I was going with this but it just makes my heart Ache#I can't remember how canon it is (I'll find out soon) but I always imagined that Camille had a heavy focus on potions;#I feel like she really appreciates potionmaking and the uses/applications of it; how versatile it is and while it isn't as convenient as#general magic--having a potion prepped in-advance would be pretty useful and convenient. Especially if you got too tired to actually do#general magic or something was blocking it off.#It's why I think she would be a good parental figure or aunt figure or mentor or SOMETHING to Kody#Kody finding a way to accommodate to his illness and disabilities by trying potion making has always been something that's stuck out to me#That doesn't take away the grief or pain of Not being able to do it ''the normal way'' but it gives you SOMETHING. Any connection to what#you love dearly and want to do.#This was Not meant to be a rant on disability stuff whoopsie. And yet here I am. I'm gonna cut it off there.#If this didn't make sense sorry the migraine-hangover brainfog is eating my words alive#My heart just hurts over their old friendship and how sweet they were#Also forgot that Kody wanted to open a bakery when he's older... Aughhhh. Implodes into 500 tiny shrapnel forever.
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My music taste is so jumbled that whenever somebody asks me what I listen to i’m like wow nothing
#rock#jazz#whatever genre fairuz is#i used to be a lana girlie but she’s dead to me now as a z word#Arabic jazz has a chokehold on me#Lik is such a banger#Al-Sham by Elyanna is a good one#ive been loving Maghrebi music#the maghreb has such a cool culture#the maghrebi and Levantine fusion also has a chokehold on me#mashrou’ leila has sooo many good songs#anyway Faraj Suleiman#في اسئلة براسي عنك عن الحارة#عن كيف مرق الوقت عن شو اعملتي ع السمت#اذا جد نشف الوادي اذا بقيت حجارة#be still my diasporic palestinian heart but this song encompasses being from a garden that turned into a concrete ghetto#the chokehold palestine has on me#a huge part of me will always be bitter that I never lived in my homeland#that i only go for visits#i feel im somehow less palestinian than my family who live there#and im full palestinian#it’s guilt and jealousy eating me alive#id love to die and be buried in its soil#any Levantine soil is fine to be honest as long as the motherland hugs me it’s fine#anyway back to music#fairuz#ive been getting into abdelhalim hafez a lot recently#and george wassouf#i still havent gotten to the umm kalthoum stage but im getting there#7elef el amar is a banger
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i'm going on a trip to europe tmrw until the 31st so get ready for a bunch of airport/europe/tour/beach/whatever international bullshit i experience during the trip because i MUST relate everything i do to the murder time trio or can i even call myself a fan. the tricule hc tag is going to be FLOODED over these next few days (and i also have unironically like 45 drafts ready for the posting if i run out of ideas (UNLIKELY) so yeah. this blog is GETTING SPAMMED!!!!!!)
anyways i'm packing now :3 i took a day off today because i just seriously spent all of monday and tuesday horror analyzing th moment i wake up at 9 and go to sleep at 1. and then i spent the entirety of wednesday yesterday dust translating (and i have more of calvateyla's ao3 fics to translate too) so i'll probably be working on both of those (AND HOPEFULLY MY SUMMER HOMEWORK BECAUSE I DIDN'T DO IT YET) until i return. in which idk ill explode or something maybe i'll make a new project or pick up a wip or something (stares with my big pink orange green sparkly luminous iridescent eyes at swapinverse. or my other mtt ideas that DEFINITELY should be made into art or writing or something instead of text form but i'm really lazy so)
#tricule rant#UGGHHH today has been an MTT DAY for me#theyve been on my mind all day. this is the most i've posted in a while#i usually try to hold myself back from posting because like. what if its annoying someone to have random un-mtt related posts on their page#but like also i need to save my ideas for future days incase i cant come up with an idea for the next day#scarcity mentality but with fucking murder time trio headcanons and rants#AND ALSO if i don't post the next day then how will i satisfy myself and my fans??? the world is at a loss if i keep my mtt ideas to myself#because then that means therell be less mtt content in the world and then that means a sad world and then the utmv explodes#and then ink is sad because i didn't create and shared my creations and told everyone my ideas and#i love ink sans being a little creator motivator type of guy. he genuinely pushes me to create#because wdym someone made a character to motivate you to create THATS SUCH A COOL CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!#anyways mtt at the airport being drafted once i'm at the airport at probably 3 in the fucking morning or something#mtt on a road trip coming soon. mtt at the beach PART 2 coming soon. mtt at tourist attractions coming soon. mtt eating food coming soon to#EVERYTHING MTT RELATED IS COMING SOON. im cursed with mtt brainrot help#if i were another person and i found my blog i would be like OMG this person's awesome because they post all the content i like and are coo#and then id b like this person is amazing and they dont know it but theyre now my favorite online figure#thank you alternate me i do really appreciate it#youre welcome blog poster me keep posting mtt content it keeps me alive like the sun and a tree
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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