#anyway none of this matters rn
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nano day 13
total word count: 1197
almost done with scene 8! It went a lot better than I expected so I’m content with the progress even if I didn’t get to write as much as I would’ve liked. Though that limited writing is more due to not having time than struggling with words lol if it’s not one it’s the other unfortunately .—.
but hopefully I carry this energy into tomorrow’s writing session :D
#also drew my characters again today#which was partically the reason why i had less writing time#*partially#but it was much needed. sketchbook time keeps me sane#i need that balance#it was nice I’m quite fond of them#still figuring out how to draw them but maybe one of these days I’ll share some sketches who knows#anyway I’m really tired#cant believe we’re already nearly halfway through the month that’s criminal#ALMOST HALFWAY AND IM 10k OFF FROM THE GOAL#big yikes#i said I wasn’t gonna worry about it but my hopes have gotten too high and now I’m worrying about it#dahl does nano 23#ok technically that’s a lie. I’m like 6k off the mark which is better than 10k but still not great#can I make that up during my time off??? idk#i think it’s funny that 50k will probably only get me like 2/3 of the way through the story tho…#BUT after November the hustle will slow down so I can take my time with writing and finish some time in January#anyway none of this matters rn
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hough save me gay yaoi
#coming out to my shadowvaniller lovers rn..............i actually also like purecacao it was the first ship i liked when i started playing#and i AM biased towards it no matter how much pv sobs over lily in the game this is MY pretend land#actually i have drawn stuff in my interpretation of pv and wls friendship#its definitely an energy of... doomed lovers never meant to be SNRRKS idk i just feel theyre both very aware of the missed chance they had#so much time has passed yet none at all and theyre ... the same but also so fundamentally different#maybe in another time another life#anyways i shouldnt talk abt this in the tags lmao#cookie run kingdom#crk fanart#fanart#shadow milk cookie#pure vanilla cookie#white lily cookie#dark cacao cookie#shadowvanilla#pureshadow#my drawbs
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You can interpret these however you like, and I’d love to read your ideas for other origins or extending these ones in the tags (etc)!
#dragon age#dragon age 2#dragon age ii#da#da2#dragon age poll#i had a few other ideas but none that i thought were concrete enough to add here#but then i remembered i can only add 12 options on desktop and i’m on my phone rn so it doesn’t matter anyway lmao#idk whether to do one of these polls for dai because the origins are barely integrated#oh and i feel like this goes without saying but ‘human refugee’ doesn’t count#even if it’s what you’d choose given all these options#i don’t even know what i’m gonna vote here yet. they’d all be pretty interesting#i feel like all of these could be reasonably integrated into the story in a similar way to hawke#except circle mage; that’d be tricky to work into the act 1 plot hmmmmmm
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having the time of my life rn
#im just gonna dump this here bc i srsly cant go with this anywhere else cause my veins are about to pop#going on bsky really making me realize that my art simply got carried by the algorithm and not bc ppl actually like it i feel lol#i crawl back to twt bc im so addicted to the notification pop up there at least there i can feel like i actually matter#everyone has been getting serotonin from bsky but for me it was the exact opposite most friends also dont care for bsky so im just alone#maybe its also just the realization that perhaps there is nothing left for me on this earth#i put so much of my selfworth into the stupid numbers online and now im paying the price for it#my mental health is so bad rn i cant go a single day without feeling like i wanna end it today or i wont live past my 30s nor that i even#WANT TO live past my 30s my passions are gone dont have goals in life anymore like whats even the point maybe this really is the final#nail in the coffin for me lol i dont even think anyone cares for me beyond a personal surface level not even my family im so done with lif#im so eaten up by jealousy in every aspect of my life and i have had to bottle it up for so long bc nobody actually gives a shit even if i#openly talked about it to whoever how its making me miserable but its always the “just think about the good in life :)” there is none#i honestly wished for several years i shouldve been dead or at least not exist physically anymore and it was only the clout online that kep#me alive for better or worse but now im starting to believe this was all jsut lies too lol ngl i just wanna crawl into a hole and never ge#back out of it anymore i dont think anyone would even miss me anyways lol
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i fear i used up all my powers to influence the outcome of sonic channel polls in the sonicsweep incident of 2023 . which was worth it because the art that came out of that was really cute . but also . im so sorry maria i have failed you . you deserve to win this poll so much more than sonic . well actually maria isnt really my first choice here either because the other choices have even less art than her but she still would have been a better outcome than sonic
#the 2023 art in question is the sonic and knuckles art where sonic is in a jester outfit btw#for people wondering why i voted sonic there but didnt want him to win here . the context matters#sonic has already been in the calendar twice this year but in the 2023 poll im talking about right now#it was the second to last one of the year and was the first time sonic had appeared in the polls at all#and also both of his opponents were characters who had already gotten calendar art that year#and also . part of the theme for 2023 was the characters in cute outfits. and i wanted to see sonic in an outfit#all of that led me to campaign for sonic to win as if my life depended on it#and there were noticeable spikes in sonic votes around the times my post about it were being spread around lmao#anyway. none of my reasoning for wanting sonic to win that time applies to the current poll. sonic should be losing rn Idc
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idk what ramadan is gonna look like for me this year lol
#z.gen#i try to be more on my deen and i will do it this year#like hitting all of my prayers when i normally hit like 3/5 etc#no substances which fluctuates yearly since being calisober is what got me off other drugs but should be fine this yr#a lot of people wont listen to music either but i honestly dont listen to it much during the day regardless#having a very night time schedule is helpful during ramadan#i think im gonna try and focus on establishing all of my prayers#i dont really care to talk about my faith much cause its so genuinely no ones business#but i am muslim i just dont follow the practices of any of the four major sunni schools strongly for other reasons#im not shia either tho... looking#none of it matters rn cause i cant fast anyway LOL but its okay#its just like. kind of hard to celebrate islam with whats going on in palestine#like a lot of my fellow muslims get really obsessed w the aesthetics#but the month is about refraining from worldly desires and practing restraint and is generally anti consumerism#so its like. idk if i care for fun silly ramadan recipes. im gonna try to organize stuff with my mosque again inshallah
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Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
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so i have 9 hours so far on ZZZ
i downloaded it JUST TODAY. AT 1PM. thats not normal
#this is exactly like how when i first played ngs i immediately got 8 hours on it on the first day#the fixation hits hard#thought 'oh ive been wanting to play this and i also need something to cope rn'#oh boy did i cope#saw my husband for ONE FRAME and went INSANE#I LOVE YOU ANTON. MY HUSBAND. MY GIRLFRIEND. OH HOW I LOVE YOU#I NEED HIM SO BAD (literally i need to pull him in game) GIVE ME HIM NEEEOOOWWWW BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!?? GRRRR!!!!did not#mean to put those question marks#marks of inquiry#bruh this game has sexy ass gameplay. I SAW IT BEFORE BUT IT FEELS SO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY PLAYING IT#IT'S SO HEAVY AND UGHHDH IT REMINDS ME OF DMC A LITTLE#specifically dmc5#example: the Epic shots when you kill all the ethereals in an area#another example: anby's skill. that is literally a vergil combo#another thing that reminds me of ngs is how stuffy the game mechanics are#idk what i'm doing 90% of the time. i get an item. oh cool! where the hell did i get this from.#reading the descriptions of each item doesn't help because none of it sinks in 😭 it's like trying to read from 15 feet away#it's kinda like base game?? in the way that it feels like Everything has already happened and it's shoved in your face and you just kinda#have to figure out what to do#only this time i can't emote and pole dance with other people#oh to see anton pole dancing. /j#/hj :^3#....../srs :'^3 (i cry a tear)#i've been cooking up an s/i since the game was announced but i still have close to nothing. NO IDEA WHAT THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE.#huge ass weapon obviously. low hollow aptitude but they're such a good fighter that it didn't matter#i know my 'haha i've known this game since' shit is annoying but LET ME HAVE THIS!! I WILL FOREVER FLEX BEING A FAN FROM THE START HEHEHEH#anyway. anton. my pookiebear. my shnookums. Fucck yoyAAAAAAA I LOVE
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fall guy brain rot time !!!!!!! i was wondering why i enjoyed this more than free guy despite me thinking objectively free guy's plot has less holes in it so i do consider the plot objectively better, but then i realized like fall guy just feels so much more sincere to me. every aspect of it is coated in this love for film and tv making and the medium as a whole
#crunchyposts#movies#i love them both dont get me wrong im just having a fall guy moment rn !!!!!#i left the theater and realized damn none of the jokes i could really remember punched down on anyone#meanwhile cough cough gamer sock joke in free guy. i hate that joke lol#i think free guy's a pretty sincere movie too just like. you know what im getting at right#the emotional beats of fall guy just feel so much more intense than free guy thats a bit of a trade off for reynolds' sarcasm and stuff#like i do not buy his more dramatic moments but guy's one of his more sincere characters !!!!!! its all just kinda coated in#this vibe that like. corporational???? the love is for original and creative art and general#but not really video games specifically the way fall guy is to movies#i love free guy btw i just cant really express my thoughts well rn#also bc free guy fumbled the romance bag at the end a bit lol its a good ending just not as well executed as it couldve been imo#meanwhile it is the Heart and Soul of fall guy no matter what its the most important part of the movie#the free guy soul is like clearly the outside world scenes w keys and millie but reynolds is the main guy so like. they have to#take a bit of a backseat#am i making sense sorry lol im turning of rbs of this my thoughts are not in order#ill rewatch both at some point and get it together !!!!!! ive planned on rewatching both anyways#maybe im a bit biased rn bc im in the midst of a minor fall guy hyperfixation but to be fair i was also in a free guy hyperfixation#briefly#post over this will go forever if i dont stop rn lol#tfg
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like not to be crazy but life yesterday for me was just wake up 9am class sit edit (see film friends briefly so yippee yay) oh my god thank god the little bit of time i sat outside in the sun but then class till 5pm walk to store w sam for their shit to be way too pricey to be worth it lmao um not even get on bus till 5:45 call parents around 6:45 dont get off phone with dad till after 8:30. um. watch tv with lydia for a little bit smoke make a shitty little dinner bed. idk typing it out it's like oh thats not So bad i had at least a few chill moments. kind of. it still feels bleak though anyone else
#and well yes i had to sit for a while and wait for lydia for the bus#bc i happened to see sam's roommate and two others of that friend group sitting right out front of yk#the building i work at and near the bus stop. and i was just like. oh jesus Christ. i cant do seeing people today esp not 3v1#and sunday i had the most painfully entangled physically awkward run in with this girl who is also friends w them. whom i met that one#rlly weird night but we didnt even really meet we were just in each others vicinity enough to make eye contact and be like um hi ig yk#anyway tiny br and my bookbag is like a foot and a half deep rn so i went to hang it up and wash my hands and the straps get all messed#up w hers and i walk over to be like omg im so sorry but she has headphones on as do i but i thought she at least saw me grab my bag#and put it on and then i opened the door for her bc i literally did not have room i would have run into her and she still managed to#like squished cause its cramped and almost smack the door/me again and i was just so fucking tired and gross after work like girl i am not#a person rn... yk.... anyways. none of that really mattered but it's stuff that happened in the periphery of like life idk#abby talks#i need enrichment so bad. but preceded and followed by so much rest
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#ngl i am feeling veeeeery depressed rn#idk what to do.. i dont get *any* help at all w my mental health nd it just keeps getting worse#rn i feel like there is absolutely no hope at all. no hope for a better life. no hope for me to ever get better#no hope that i'll be ok. that the surgery will go ok. no hope that i'll ever get to move away from here#i feel so fkn stuck and i just dont have any energy or motivation to do anything at all#im so fkn anxious abt my health issue nd the surgery nd recovery#on top of that im so fkn stressed bc when smth like this happens i go completely non functional#so i dont know how to do my schoolwork now. i cant go to class bc i cant focus bc of the pain nd stuff#but if i dont do school what will happen w my wellfare??#idk idk idk what to do there are just too many things#and there is absolutely NO FKN HELP AT ALL in this wretched society#no help. my mom does as much as she can but she's also sick nd deals w years long burnout#im at a point where i dont feel like i know how to keep going. i just wanna lie down nd give up#but then i might become homeless nd that'll be so fkn much worse so i have to do smth#i need to try to talk to school nd my wellfare worker but i dont expect help#they'll just tell me to suck up the pain nd do everything anyway so idk i dont even feel like trying#im feeling more depressed than ever and it doesnt matter if i ask for help bc there is none for me#i want to get out of this nd make a life for myself but idk how#and i see NO light at the end of the tunnel at all. no light whatsoever. everything feels fkn pitch black#everythings just bad nd it is contaminating my mind completely nd idk how to stop it#i cant even cry i just feel so empty yet overwhelmed i want it all to just stop i cant keep up cant do it anymore idk how#but ending it all takes too much effort. there rlly should be just a pill u get prescribed. it is inhumane to force ppl to go thru more suff#also i wont do that to my mom so like im stuck here either way. i dont want to feel like this i want to feel ok i want to feel hopeful#and bright nd like maybe there is a chance nd way for me i dont wanna feel.. utter despair
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if there exists like a type of dyslexia where you can read words fine but your reading comprehension/being able to make sense of what’s actually being said and not having it just look like Words to you i definitely have that
#like am i stupid#i might just be stupid#i’ve never been able to read like. old timey texts in english class like shakespeare or frankenstein and whatnot#like it just doesn’t make sense to me at all and no matter how many times i read the words over they just aren’t coherent#anyway that’s how i feel trying to make sense of a law homework rn like none of these words will go together in my head😭😭😭
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truly but does anyone notice but does anyone care
#AND WOULD ANYTHING MATTER IF YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD???????#i mean i dont wanna be like this i know people might have different priorities and i mean SAME#i dont wanna fucking do this that much anyway!!!! lol#but it just frustrates me when people are like yesss let's do it and then just keep on dragging#and then just dont even participate on anything or state any opinion even lmao#like i hate to be like thisssss bc i like this person GENUINELY and i know she must be tired etc#so it makes me feel really bad especially in my position vs hers rn but also like#like. :( i really dont wanna do this alone and i feel so stupid for it like it's not that hard lmao#why are u bitchinghgggg about this#if u started earlier none of it would be a problem!!!#but then if im doing all the work and starting on my own time why is this a group thing lmao!!! anyway#i made myself so upset for no reason i dont even wanna play anymore lmao#anyway. but does anyone notice but does anyone care#i hate how this song comes on in the best/worst times lol#🗒#i feel like im 100% on the wrong side to be upset over this btw but i still feel annoyed and frustrated lol
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i hate to be this girl the girl who cries on her drive home but this might just be as good as it gets and i can’t keep doing this and by this i mean falling behind and being so fucking alone i can’t be the only one trying here i just need someone to give me a fucking break but none of this even matters because i am just a girl who forgets grief is sitting next to her in the passenger seat until i miss my turn.
#had one stupid little thing tip me over the edge today and it’s like!!!!!#i just want to scream and cry and none of this fucking matters bc there’s worse shit going on in the world rn!!!!!!!!!#can’t even let myself feel things!! oh i am a mess can’t wait to show my therapist this#anyways here’s an attempt at getting back into poetry :)#shut up allie#sorry to be so mentally ill on your dashes tonight
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#vent.txt#I kinda feel really weird about like not writing fic#yk I obviously know there’s more to my life than writing fic and I can do it whenever#but I’m just amazed ppl follow me without me doing that yk?#idk weird feelings but it’s just like it felt like that was the main reason ppl followed me and yet they’re still#here#and I’m amazed and thankful and shocked all at once#idk it’s not like I’m tying my fics to my worth as a person or anything. nothing like that#it’s just like when ppl kept asking me about my fics I figured that’s all they wanted for a bit#like I myself didn’t really matter they just wanted to know why my fics aren’t available rn#and if ppl unfollow that’s none of my business obviously but it made those tiny thoughts pop out to me#so when you guys are kind to me and stuff and or send an ask in my inbox I’m genuinely shocked and happy that you came to talk to me yk?#this is how I end up seeing asks in my inbox a lot#so if you ever think ‘she’s awfully happy about an ask’ that’s why#anyways I just realized that I do miss writing fic but idk it feels like I’m just here yk? and I’m okay with being here and talking to fren#for right now that’s more than enough for my blog#if you made it to the end of this ty for reading? hahaha I’m just venting a bunch
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im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever
#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently#everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason#timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like#the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun#yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time#like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!!#but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it#i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass#i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out#like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that#and theres no point doing that afterwards#and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just#mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about#and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes#sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it#and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone#i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just...#im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me#im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay#im gonna go now. im sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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