#anyway none of this matters rn
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nano day 13
total word count: 1197
almost done with scene 8! It went a lot better than I expected so I’m content with the progress even if I didn’t get to write as much as I would’ve liked. Though that limited writing is more due to not having time than struggling with words lol if it’s not one it’s the other unfortunately .—.
but hopefully I carry this energy into tomorrow’s writing session :D
#also drew my characters again today#which was partically the reason why i had less writing time#*partially#but it was much needed. sketchbook time keeps me sane#i need that balance#it was nice I’m quite fond of them#still figuring out how to draw them but maybe one of these days I’ll share some sketches who knows#anyway I’m really tired#cant believe we’re already nearly halfway through the month that’s criminal#ALMOST HALFWAY AND IM 10k OFF FROM THE GOAL#big yikes#i said I wasn’t gonna worry about it but my hopes have gotten too high and now I’m worrying about it#dahl does nano 23#ok technically that’s a lie. I’m like 6k off the mark which is better than 10k but still not great#can I make that up during my time off??? idk#i think it’s funny that 50k will probably only get me like 2/3 of the way through the story tho…#BUT after November the hustle will slow down so I can take my time with writing and finish some time in January#anyway none of this matters rn
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hough save me gay yaoi
#coming out to my shadowvaniller lovers rn..............i actually also like purecacao it was the first ship i liked when i started playing#and i AM biased towards it no matter how much pv sobs over lily in the game this is MY pretend land#actually i have drawn stuff in my interpretation of pv and wls friendship#its definitely an energy of... doomed lovers never meant to be SNRRKS idk i just feel theyre both very aware of the missed chance they had#so much time has passed yet none at all and theyre ... the same but also so fundamentally different#maybe in another time another life#anyways i shouldnt talk abt this in the tags lmao#cookie run kingdom#crk fanart#fanart#shadow milk cookie#pure vanilla cookie#white lily cookie#dark cacao cookie#shadowvanilla#pureshadow#my drawbs
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You can interpret these however you like, and I’d love to read your ideas for other origins or extending these ones in the tags (etc)!
#dragon age#dragon age 2#dragon age ii#da#da2#dragon age poll#i had a few other ideas but none that i thought were concrete enough to add here#but then i remembered i can only add 12 options on desktop and i’m on my phone rn so it doesn’t matter anyway lmao#idk whether to do one of these polls for dai because the origins are barely integrated#oh and i feel like this goes without saying but ‘human refugee’ doesn’t count#even if it’s what you’d choose given all these options#i don’t even know what i’m gonna vote here yet. they’d all be pretty interesting#i feel like all of these could be reasonably integrated into the story in a similar way to hawke#except circle mage; that’d be tricky to work into the act 1 plot hmmmmmm
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i fear i used up all my powers to influence the outcome of sonic channel polls in the sonicsweep incident of 2023 . which was worth it because the art that came out of that was really cute . but also . im so sorry maria i have failed you . you deserve to win this poll so much more than sonic . well actually maria isnt really my first choice here either because the other choices have even less art than her but she still would have been a better outcome than sonic
#the 2023 art in question is the sonic and knuckles art where sonic is in a jester outfit btw#for people wondering why i voted sonic there but didnt want him to win here . the context matters#sonic has already been in the calendar twice this year but in the 2023 poll im talking about right now#it was the second to last one of the year and was the first time sonic had appeared in the polls at all#and also both of his opponents were characters who had already gotten calendar art that year#and also . part of the theme for 2023 was the characters in cute outfits. and i wanted to see sonic in an outfit#all of that led me to campaign for sonic to win as if my life depended on it#and there were noticeable spikes in sonic votes around the times my post about it were being spread around lmao#anyway. none of my reasoning for wanting sonic to win that time applies to the current poll. sonic should be losing rn Idc
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sitting in the parking lot waiting for my psych appointment, listening to atwwd, trying to stay awake despite having to take two (2) benadryl bc i ate food with pecans in it and it was Not Okay (nothing immediately life threatening, but not great if i just let it be without allergy meds)
it's cold and rainy out and i love it
started working on one of my silly little stucky (and alpine) arts last night and i'm looking forward to working on that. also continuing to clean up the fucking carpet in some outfit pics bc god forbid the carpet on our porch ever be clean
josh has d&d tonight and i will be doing ??? Idk man we'll see
good afternoon, fuckers
#none of this matters to anyone but i'm posting it anyway bc this is my house and i can speak into the void if i want to#i've been debating posting my outfits on here - going back to when i started taking pics - bc rn i only post them on insta#that's basically - for the most part - what that stupid app is for (at least for me)#but a. anxiety and b. uhh anxiety + who cares tbh#so#hm#i was going to say more but i lost my train of thought like.. mid thought#whatever#my appointment is in 25 minutes so i should probably focus on that anyway lmao#maison speaks
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im exploding into a million pieces i found a reddit thread about butches in video games (specifically looking for them) in hopes that there was some kind of lesser known dream daddy-esque butch dating sim or SOMETHING cute like that and guys the fucking crumbs we have to live on you're actually killing me. im withering away why are there no kissable butches in video games im going to throw up and kill everyone. nobody wants a butch dating sim apparently. im gonna go weep in the fetal position
#everybody ignore this it's so stupid but#it's like heres a stard.ew valley mod where you can make leah butch and um idk starf.ield bg characters#and a baldgate3 character. IM CRYING WHERE ARE THE BUTCHES#'why is this making me emotional' (<- very understandable why it would make me emotional)#howling into the night sky ripping ny shirt in twain transforming into a big hairy beast bc i love butches sm#GUHHHHHHHHHH CMONNNNN#i just wanna see people's cute drawings of dykes ok. where is our version of bara#where is it please#im begginbg the universe generally#i need a hero (the song) is emanating from my pores rn. where are they we deserve so much better than this#gahhhh it's all overly palatable softgirl yuri fuckk. where are my big sweaty hairy braless deep voiced dykes im going to kill someone#when is it my turn to be happy wuagghhh#not to say i dislike softgirl yuri but i do not want to kiss them!! sorry but that is a big motivator for this#is wanting a 2d boyfriend (/dyke) because everyone else gets to have one :((#and also like. wanting to see dykes reflective of irl dykes rather than yuri for representation purposes that matter to me personally#and the gender euphoria that can often come from that but also FUCKK#nguhhhhhh oughhhhhh ahhhhhhhhgh. im such a fucking faggot im sick of this#a large chunk of the sapphic population is just completely not represented it's like they only exist in my mind#i never seen them around me either this shit sucks fuck my stupid baka life. wehehhh#exploding into a million pieces#im never expressing any kind of gay yearning again after this im done#is it too much to ask that i see people like me out there?? in many ways but tonight specifically in a butch way#ppl when they even think for a moment of making lesbian media where the dykes aren't sifted through straight attractiveness filters: 😱#again a lesbian dating dim w femmes would rule as well but it's all high schoolers and vaguely anime-hot women#and thats not good enough. it's like if they give a girl a big nose they'll fucking die immediately#maybe the real reason i consume so much homoerotic buff guy media is because SOMETIMES ppl draw them as butches#(<- not the reason but maybe loosely vaguely part of the reason)#anyway this was inspired by me watching ppl react to like. a popular pretty boy dating sim#and trying to figure out some equivalent experience for me but i can't bc none of it is made for me#killing everyone and then killing them again. hatred
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idk what ramadan is gonna look like for me this year lol
#z.gen#i try to be more on my deen and i will do it this year#like hitting all of my prayers when i normally hit like 3/5 etc#no substances which fluctuates yearly since being calisober is what got me off other drugs but should be fine this yr#a lot of people wont listen to music either but i honestly dont listen to it much during the day regardless#having a very night time schedule is helpful during ramadan#i think im gonna try and focus on establishing all of my prayers#i dont really care to talk about my faith much cause its so genuinely no ones business#but i am muslim i just dont follow the practices of any of the four major sunni schools strongly for other reasons#im not shia either tho... looking#none of it matters rn cause i cant fast anyway LOL but its okay#its just like. kind of hard to celebrate islam with whats going on in palestine#like a lot of my fellow muslims get really obsessed w the aesthetics#but the month is about refraining from worldly desires and practing restraint and is generally anti consumerism#so its like. idk if i care for fun silly ramadan recipes. im gonna try to organize stuff with my mosque again inshallah
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Me, attending the latest in a ridiculous number of funerals this year in the place of a childhood friend who couldn't be there, watching the lifeless body of an old lady who used to make me snacks in the kitchen when I was a kid be carted away forever while my friend's mother cries and tells me she's grateful I could be there because it felt like having the support of her own daughter, hugging her and talking reassuringly and not processing a single one of these emotions: ... I am going to write soooo much fanfiction about this
#''this'' being collective grief. because tbvh it's the main reason I haven't written very much this year (but will slowly start to)#I write to remind myself I am lucky. I keep telling myself this but even now when I feel awful I am so lucky#I am lucky that none of these funerals have involved very close family members or friends of mine#and I am lucky to be living in conditions with the space to write and space to grieve#and space to come together to mourn with dignity while people not that far away from me are not receiving the same privilege rn#I am lucky my dad was with me today and I spent the evening chatting with him on the terrace I am lucky he is alive I am lucky I am lucky#(apologies if this sounds like a robot malfunctioning lmao writing is just how I process things)#(and apparently I just don't seem to feel like I have the right to feel bad about any of this anywhere except my st@r trek blog hehe)#anyway. To stay on theme I shall say something about Trills :D#I imagine loss and grief must register very differently to them. very Non Linearly in the literal sense but also a highly abstract one#even I feel this massive sense of time warp between all these funerals; and this chest-crushing distance between me and my friends#how do Trills even exist#how do they wake up every day remembering all those friends and children and parents who loved them and they loved and are gone now#and still function#how does Ezri feel walking around with memories of parents that aren't hers (but were soooo much better than hers) taking care of her#does she feel comforted by them? does it feel like the people in those memories were always comforting HER specifically?#does it even matter who it belonged to originally if a memory is HERS now?#does Ezri mourn for any parents of past hosts more than she knows she will mourn for her own mother one day?#does having all this lived experience bring her reassuring amounts of perspective for a 20-something or just overwhelm her all the more?#idk; but I hope she learns to take comfort in her past hosts' memories of family eventually...#(...again. I am going to write sooooo much fan fiction about this lmao)#cw death
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so i have 9 hours so far on ZZZ
i downloaded it JUST TODAY. AT 1PM. thats not normal
#this is exactly like how when i first played ngs i immediately got 8 hours on it on the first day#the fixation hits hard#thought 'oh ive been wanting to play this and i also need something to cope rn'#oh boy did i cope#saw my husband for ONE FRAME and went INSANE#I LOVE YOU ANTON. MY HUSBAND. MY GIRLFRIEND. OH HOW I LOVE YOU#I NEED HIM SO BAD (literally i need to pull him in game) GIVE ME HIM NEEEOOOWWWW BEFORE I GET ANGRY!!?? GRRRR!!!!did not#mean to put those question marks#marks of inquiry#bruh this game has sexy ass gameplay. I SAW IT BEFORE BUT IT FEELS SO DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE ACTUALLY PLAYING IT#IT'S SO HEAVY AND UGHHDH IT REMINDS ME OF DMC A LITTLE#specifically dmc5#example: the Epic shots when you kill all the ethereals in an area#another example: anby's skill. that is literally a vergil combo#another thing that reminds me of ngs is how stuffy the game mechanics are#idk what i'm doing 90% of the time. i get an item. oh cool! where the hell did i get this from.#reading the descriptions of each item doesn't help because none of it sinks in 😭 it's like trying to read from 15 feet away#it's kinda like base game?? in the way that it feels like Everything has already happened and it's shoved in your face and you just kinda#have to figure out what to do#only this time i can't emote and pole dance with other people#oh to see anton pole dancing. /j#/hj :^3#....../srs :'^3 (i cry a tear)#i've been cooking up an s/i since the game was announced but i still have close to nothing. NO IDEA WHAT THEY WOULD LOOK LIKE.#huge ass weapon obviously. low hollow aptitude but they're such a good fighter that it didn't matter#i know my 'haha i've known this game since' shit is annoying but LET ME HAVE THIS!! I WILL FOREVER FLEX BEING A FAN FROM THE START HEHEHEH#anyway. anton. my pookiebear. my shnookums. Fucck yoyAAAAAAA I LOVE
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like not to be crazy but life yesterday for me was just wake up 9am class sit edit (see film friends briefly so yippee yay) oh my god thank god the little bit of time i sat outside in the sun but then class till 5pm walk to store w sam for their shit to be way too pricey to be worth it lmao um not even get on bus till 5:45 call parents around 6:45 dont get off phone with dad till after 8:30. um. watch tv with lydia for a little bit smoke make a shitty little dinner bed. idk typing it out it's like oh thats not So bad i had at least a few chill moments. kind of. it still feels bleak though anyone else
#and well yes i had to sit for a while and wait for lydia for the bus#bc i happened to see sam's roommate and two others of that friend group sitting right out front of yk#the building i work at and near the bus stop. and i was just like. oh jesus Christ. i cant do seeing people today esp not 3v1#and sunday i had the most painfully entangled physically awkward run in with this girl who is also friends w them. whom i met that one#rlly weird night but we didnt even really meet we were just in each others vicinity enough to make eye contact and be like um hi ig yk#anyway tiny br and my bookbag is like a foot and a half deep rn so i went to hang it up and wash my hands and the straps get all messed#up w hers and i walk over to be like omg im so sorry but she has headphones on as do i but i thought she at least saw me grab my bag#and put it on and then i opened the door for her bc i literally did not have room i would have run into her and she still managed to#like squished cause its cramped and almost smack the door/me again and i was just so fucking tired and gross after work like girl i am not#a person rn... yk.... anyways. none of that really mattered but it's stuff that happened in the periphery of like life idk#abby talks#i need enrichment so bad. but preceded and followed by so much rest
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if there exists like a type of dyslexia where you can read words fine but your reading comprehension/being able to make sense of what’s actually being said and not having it just look like Words to you i definitely have that
#like am i stupid#i might just be stupid#i’ve never been able to read like. old timey texts in english class like shakespeare or frankenstein and whatnot#like it just doesn’t make sense to me at all and no matter how many times i read the words over they just aren’t coherent#anyway that’s how i feel trying to make sense of a law homework rn like none of these words will go together in my head😭😭😭
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truly but does anyone notice but does anyone care
#AND WOULD ANYTHING MATTER IF YOU'RE ALREADY DEAD???????#i mean i dont wanna be like this i know people might have different priorities and i mean SAME#i dont wanna fucking do this that much anyway!!!! lol#but it just frustrates me when people are like yesss let's do it and then just keep on dragging#and then just dont even participate on anything or state any opinion even lmao#like i hate to be like thisssss bc i like this person GENUINELY and i know she must be tired etc#so it makes me feel really bad especially in my position vs hers rn but also like#like. :( i really dont wanna do this alone and i feel so stupid for it like it's not that hard lmao#why are u bitchinghgggg about this#if u started earlier none of it would be a problem!!!#but then if im doing all the work and starting on my own time why is this a group thing lmao!!! anyway#i made myself so upset for no reason i dont even wanna play anymore lmao#anyway. but does anyone notice but does anyone care#i hate how this song comes on in the best/worst times lol#🗒#i feel like im 100% on the wrong side to be upset over this btw but i still feel annoyed and frustrated lol
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#vent.txt#I kinda feel really weird about like not writing fic#yk I obviously know there’s more to my life than writing fic and I can do it whenever#but I’m just amazed ppl follow me without me doing that yk?#idk weird feelings but it’s just like it felt like that was the main reason ppl followed me and yet they’re still#here#and I’m amazed and thankful and shocked all at once#idk it’s not like I’m tying my fics to my worth as a person or anything. nothing like that#it’s just like when ppl kept asking me about my fics I figured that’s all they wanted for a bit#like I myself didn’t really matter they just wanted to know why my fics aren’t available rn#and if ppl unfollow that’s none of my business obviously but it made those tiny thoughts pop out to me#so when you guys are kind to me and stuff and or send an ask in my inbox I’m genuinely shocked and happy that you came to talk to me yk?#this is how I end up seeing asks in my inbox a lot#so if you ever think ‘she’s awfully happy about an ask’ that’s why#anyways I just realized that I do miss writing fic but idk it feels like I’m just here yk? and I’m okay with being here and talking to fren#for right now that’s more than enough for my blog#if you made it to the end of this ty for reading? hahaha I’m just venting a bunch
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im gonna complain sorry i need to get this out of my brain since ive been thinking about it recently. leaving it in the tags so you can ignore it or whatever
#i just. feel like im missing out on everything recently#everyone else is having fun with each other and their friends and im just. here for no reason#timezones fuck me over so intensely on like a daily basis and its so fucking sad like#the society is demanding me to be a responsible human being which means sleeping - and while i do that everyone else has fun#yall get to watch things together. yall get to chat about things together. yall get to do shit in real time#like im not blaming anyone for having fun good for you im glad youre enjoying yourselves and everything!!#but also i just. feel left out. and its very stupid but im stupid and so is having to sleep and i never get to do anything fun cause of it#i never get to watch stuff live. i never get to participate in anything. and when i maybe do its an anxiety situation so i have to pass#i think thats why wrestling is rn a very sore spot for me. i havent really watched anything in a while cause i feel so left out#like im always behind. and i know it shouldnt matter but when i see everyone interacting with live blogs and such and i know i cant do that#and theres no point doing that afterwards#and the only things i can reasonably live blog are things that nobody else watches or cares about and im just#mostly anyways i only put my time and effort into something that only i care about#and im not gonna lie it kinda hurts. like ofc i cant ask anyone else to care but i just feel so fucking lonely sometimes#sorry im just. not in a good spot. honestly i probably never will be cause none of this is going to change cause i cant change it#and i cant and wont ask anyone to change it cause thats not good or fair or anything to anyone#i shouldnt even post this this is so stupid and im such a stupid little baby but im just...#im so fucking lonely sometimes and i see everyone else being able to do things and have fun and enjoy themselves. without me#im so lonely and im so jealous and it just fucking sucks okay#im gonna go now. im sorry#night is an absolute mess on main
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When you can't play the main story because you're too weak and you can't catch up on hard mode 3 chapters behind because you're still too weak and you can't play the event because you're too weak and farming levels is a horrible part time job and it's like well wtf man. wtf I'm supposed to do?
#obey me#and then they ask me to rate their game. its a 1 for you my boy#sorry but i dont gaf about r8ings online bc theyre all fake anyway except for games with like 10reviews max#my 1 star rating wont change shit so it doesnt matter how i truly feel abt the game#still obsessed with tbe game but yeah its clear from day 1 fhat the battle system is not really well thought out#its not completely unpolished or anything its just WAY too grindy#theres kinda no excuse for only getting 200-320xp per battle when lvl ups are in the 10k of xp#and the quick clear not giving card xp is absurdly stupid + greedy#i genuinely do not know what to do rn besides just open tbe game every hour to send out jobs#since using money is the only real way to level cards that isnt a second job#really unfortunate basically#and then some absolutely unhinged person on reddit said you should have 3 cards per color??????#lady... i dont even have ONE CARD PER COLOR and leveling the 3 from my main party is taking SEVERAL YEARS#time to go back to my ikemen games for a while methinks#im caught up in ikepri but none of the others
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#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and#i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like..............#makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday#even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too!#it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure#i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising...#also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk.#also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh#im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now#and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER#also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then)#anyways.#i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them#and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like.#also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk#anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk?#should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so???#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever#but i can!! maybe i should#for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends#+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face#FINE maybe therapists have a point
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