#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever
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#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and#i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like..............#makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday#even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too!#it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure#i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising...#also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk.#also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh#im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now#and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER#also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then)#anyways.#i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them#and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like.#also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk#anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk?#should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so???#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever#but i can!! maybe i should#for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends#+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face#FINE maybe therapists have a point
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some design comcepts for older lily + lewis!!! my latest and greatest headcanon for them is that in the future they get gems and can do magic of their own :33 i just think it’d be neat,,, something to do with their love of magic!!!! 🥺
#im normal about stdwolom. number one fan have been since i was 15#i need them EXPLODED AND GONE THEY MEAN SO MUCH TO ME BYE#anyways these designs are still. rather up in the air#definitely need some more refining and all that#but yknow!!! for now theyre pretty good kickoff points 🥺#lewis’s fit is loosely based off a wizard fit i gave him in a halloween piece from 2022 hehehe!!#I THINK THEY SHOULD GET MAGIC. I THINK THEY SHOULD AS A TREAT#billie helps them learn ofc!!! AND SO DOES STOTLE. THEM AND THEIR THREE WEIRD KIDS OR WHATEVER#i love them so bad. stdwolom….☹️☹️☹️#dont overthink the gem colours or anything btw. i think theyre just… general ones? question mark?#IDK MAYBE ILL PUT MORE THOUGHT INTO THE SPECIFICS LATER#BUT FOR NOW THEYRE JUST. GENERAL ONES WITH NO SPECIFIC POWERS IN PARTICULAR LMAO#robin’s art#billie bust up#2024 art#bbu billie#bbu lewis#bbu lily#stdwolom#this all started bc i looked at stdwolom and went ‘i think they should be she/her they/them cool hat coded. lewis should get a cool hat’#then i brain blasted.#whats more cool hat than a wizard and whats more wizard than ACTUAL MAGIC#i like to think im smart sometimes#okay hi update these guys are part of my… oc lore? now so uhhh guess theyre getting the story tag#The Panderity Chapter
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The notion of Orpheus shunning women after Eurydice's death but not men (as if viewing his relationship with Eurydice as purely gender-based) doesn't sit right with me as a bisexual person.
This is why I prefer the version of Orpheus dying for not honoring Dionysus after scorning every god except for his father out of grief.
#i can say this right? bc i tend to ignore this storyline as it just devalues orpheus' love for eurydice as a whole- surprise ovid wrote this#Eurydice wasn't the 'woman' of his life. eurydice was the LOVE of his life#ofc im not saying orpheus cannot try to find happiness after eurydice's death. Calais/Orpheus you are loved#but to have that 'girl attraction' turned off like its a button is like. NO? THATS NOT HOW BISEXUALITY WORKS?#commit to one or the other!!#maybe im overthinking it but whatever#orpheus#eurydice#orpheus x eurydice#calais
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not diagnosed with anything. but maybe I should be
#or maybe I'm overthinking things#but every time I learn that someone I connect well with has adhd or autism#I look at myself and wonder if all the quirks I have in common with them are signs of anything#some posts are a little too relatable#but others don't quite match up with my experiences#does this mean anything#but I'm doing fine#I'm managing school and work and my life is going well#whatever I've got going on I'm managing well#the only reason I'd want to get evaluated for anything#would be so I can stop wondering#I don't know how to explain this to people#bc I Seem So Normal#am I masking?#am I just reading too far into little things?#I really don't know
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im at this point in life where i cannot simply shrink my CV to one page. i have to leave out crucial information
#at what point do you delete your bachelors degree from your cv asking for MYSELF#like. i have masters. surely they would extrapolate that i had a previous education before#but! it could have been in a random field. so i think it is important they know ive been in biology for a long time#also i could just not mention the conferences. but they make me look nice and it kind of cancels out the fact i have no publications#also ive worked in 6 positions since 2020#if i keep the bachelors i have to keep the work experience from 2020 bc i didnt study anything in 2020-2021#and that would be a gap year if i deleted my first lab assistant job#i could definitely delete the drivers licence part#and the project part bc thats eh#just one project#but i want to keep the digital skills. i fought real hard to finish that paraview course like jesus christ i learned python and linux comma#commands for hpc use and like. electromagnetism or whatever that it was about. the physics#all in one course that only gave me 3ects#i already have no hobbies and personal qualities listed there#idk what else to lose#or maybe im overthinking#im once again applying for a week in finland and idk if they would even care#aaahhhhh#i think i have to lose the conferences
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Ok I'm sorry but why do native english speakers always refer to € as euro? it's euros omg like 5€ = 5 euros not 5 euro. Euro is the currency, euros is the monetary units. That's like someone saying 30 dollar instead of 30 dollars, for example.
I am a native English speaker technically, but I've lived in the Netherlands for most of my life so there's a caveat. I grew up speaking British English, but now my English has become very Americanized since American English is used internationally more (I almost never use British slang any more for example since nobody understands that shit outside the UK lmao) and obviously there's a big Dutch influence in the way I speak English too (I often speak dunglish more than anything when I'm talking to Dutch speakers)
I think from what I've seen English and American people tend to say "euros" plural, since you'd also say "pounds" and "dollars". I think Irish people often say "euro" singular, but correct me if I'm wrong. So it varies. I think the reason I say "euro" is because of the Dutch influence: in Dutch you'd always say "euro" singular when referring to the price of something. So a Dutch person would absolutely say "5 euro" instead of "5 euros" (I actually just checked my tags on the post where I was talking about currency and I switched back and forth in those tags lmao that's just how it is)
I don't think there's an objectively correct way to say it, and honestly I don't really care if "euro" singular is incorrect lol you understand what I'm saying so I think it's fine
#ask#my accent has changed so much as well. americans often assume I'm south african which is really interesting#i definitely made a conscious effort to lose my regional English accent and turn my accent more American#bc it's harder for non native English speakers to understand things like glottal stops and non rhotic r's#which are common in a lot of British English accents#dutch people are really really good at speaking English but since i was a kid when i moved here and most of my peers were children#with limited English. yeah#although my English accent kinda comes back when I'm talking to other native English speakers.#idk language is so complex and life becomes so much more enjoyable when you understand that linguistics#is meant to be descriptive not prescriptive#also id love to know why you assumed I'm a native English speaker since I'm pretty sure I've never mentioned that here#but i have mentioned living in the Netherlands#actually maybe i have mentioned it lol idk#or maybe you meant to say non native#i mean you weren't technically wrong lmao but I'd love to know where the assumption came from#also i do think it's important to be consistent in more serious contexts. if you're writinga paper or a grant proposal or whatever#then pick one#but idc that i switch back and forth in daily life i can't be overthinking the fucked up way i speak English at this point
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kinda got the #random urge to sabotage this before it’s even begun
#i need to like nap or something#i’m just so weird about good things happening#i can’t comprehend that maybe i do deserve them#and yeah maybe someone actually does like me and isn’t hardcore pranking me#and i don’t need to ruin things for no reason#but it wouldn’t the the first time someone showed interest and i completely fucked things when i didn’t even need to#just bc i got scared#idk i’m definitely thinking too far ahead and also massively overthinking literally everything#i don’t know why i can’t just enjoy things#anyways whatever i needed to vent#might delete later
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re:self perception, I feel like that one drawing where the person is Very lesbian from head to toe but like she lost her pin or her bracelet broke or something and she’s like “oh no how will people be able to tell now ):” except me with being trans.
except my analog for the pin is I’m just not in makeup or making slightly more of an effort to dress fem. like idk, shaved face alone I already feel really pretty and own so few masculine looking outfits so idk? (´-﹏-`;) I would hope I don’t come across as cis esp interacting with other trans ppl lol.
anyways, at least on here I feel like we’re afraid to talk to other trans ppl on the street bc we don’t want to out/clock them but we also desperately want to be Seen and interacted with by other trans folk when we’re out. idk... is getting clocked by another trans person rly even that bad? would we not be rly happy to have another trans person pick us out from the crowd and be excited to talk to us? Personally I don’t rly care about “passing” and all the implicit standards around it and just kinda see clocking as a neutral “i can tell”.
street etiquette is confusing. idk what the answer is or even what my question is exactly, I just know there’s a lot of trans ppl out there who wish they knew More trans ppl and that we’re also kind of afraid to interact with each other when we’re out. what’s up with that?
these r just some silly passing thoughts so don’t read too much into it, but ykwim though?
#like..#i know we'd be more comfies interacting in an implicitly/explicitly social setting like a party or a picnic or whatever#but what about the ppl who don't rly do anything except shop and hang at home ? where/how do u meet ppl#lately i've tried just being more social and friendly in general wherever i am and it seems to be going fine? at like stores n stuff#but out on the actual street i think is still an area where i'm like aaaa idk what to do i'll just mind my business#and ideally it'd be nice if we could just Look at each other and maybe give some kind of signal that we'd like to say hi 👉👈#but also I VERY much relate to just keeping my eyes forward and having tunnel vision when i'm out walking bc i'm trying to both#be confident and also don't want to be perceived but don't want to Seem like i'm trying to not be perceived.#BUT THAT'S FOR CISHET PPL YKWIM?? like 😭#my people... pls say hi#idk#it me. the overthinker.
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exceptionally talented girls are on tumblr oversharing about their mistakes in the tags
#it's like this#so i completely screwed up my experiment#(for the second time!)#and i was supposed to complete this set of experiments like a month ago#my supervisor has already gone on about how i'm behind on my project yada yada#so that sucks ok.#but what's worse!!!#is that the sweetest guy ever#(who took out time for me and taught me how to do these set of experiments initially)#(now i'm doing them on my own for the first time and they're not going. well. to say the least)#is who i screwed up in front of.#like what's bothering me is not that i screwed up or i'm behind on my project#i'm bothered by the fact that not only did i embarrass myself in front of the nice guy#but i probably hurt his feelings too#like. what if he thinks he's a bad teacher. bc of ME#i annoyed him throughout the process too like at some point i am 100% sure he was done with my shit#but being the sweetest guy ever he didn't say anything about it and helped me anyway#and like. its AGGRAVATING why i'm like this. why am i so annoying#but also like. what's up with my priorities#why am i not bothered about the right things#why do i care So Much about how other people feel bc of me#also like. maybe it wasn't even me. like logically the poor guy was sick he wasn't feeling well#so the annoyed look on his face was probably bc he's busy or he didn't sleep well or whatever#like. not everything is about me. maybe his annoyance want about me#but i cant help but think that it was and i hate myself for it#when will i learn the simple act of Forgiveness and Moving On#like. i Know I'm overthinking this i Know it's irrational but. i'm just so hurt by the fact that i hurt him#moon talks
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why doesn't anybody talk about schrodinger's mental illness? seriously i think i'm onto something here
#nightmare.personal#i'm starting to think i'm over it like#i've been so happy lately and i'm having these weird nightmares about my family for no reason but like#i have FRIENDS and i'm taking CARE OF MYSELF and like i thought i looked super pretty today#but i am freaking out a bit about how nice this one friend of mine is being to me#which is so weird bc he'/s like the safest guy to be around ever but suddenly i feel insanely unsafe#hm. maybe i'll be fixed if i go to bed#ugh i have classes tmrw which are FINE classes but like. work. and then also therapy#and therapy's good just like. ugh. Ugh. maybe i'll talk to her about me hating my gf's mom's profession and my moral crisis#bc guys it's kind of awkward i really don't fuck with landlords but my gf's mom is um . Kind of one of those#anyway i think i'm better honestly like the klavier and dahlia stuff is starting to just feel like an inside joke#something earlier happened and i was like klav would like this. andi pictured him a bit in my brain as how he looked#and like. we laughed. but i don't think he was there at all#and the BPD stuff isn't happening like i've not mood swung at all lately i don't think#so maybe it was all in my head andi'm fine now? that could be it honestly like. i'm fine. which!#is weird and abrupt but hey i'm into it. y'know. whatever#it would kind of suck if it turns out i was perfectly fine i was just overthinking it but. hey#honestly whatever. people are fine i'm fine i'm safe and the nightmares are stupid#i need to see this guy anyway tmrw because i invited him along to grab breakfast with me and our mutual friend#we're like a trio so i figure it's fine. hopefully the dining hall isn't still on fire i need to fuck up that pomegranate acai drink so bad#it's SO good you guys. but like. idk. i feel happy like perfectly happy. like i don't think much is wrong#these weird feelings of dread and hovering on the edges of panic attacks sometimes but that's really it#ugh. i hope the lecture hall has good chairs#sorry i cannot focus on this i'm restless rn. i need. like. something#i think me and my GF might break up soon bc of the parents work and the sex thing but like.#someone lobotomize me i'm literally fine what's going ONNNN
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the good thing about asperger's no longer being a diagnosis is that it's just called level 1 autism spectrum disorder now. i know i probably shouldn't be poking around in the mental health of strangers online, but as an autistic person myself, your struggles resonated with me. ever since i've been able to accept, understand, and begin to provide myself accommodations for my autism, my mental health has improved tremendously. autism is also co-morbid with oodles of other conditions, so it is definitely possible to have autism and other conditions that may have overlapping symptoms
It's funny, I was diagnosed, accepted it, over analyzed and rejected it, subsequently forgot about it entirely, then when the only helpful counselor I ever had brought up the idea I was like: Oh yeah! That makes sense. And went through the same process over again. I will say, having someone point out that something might be inhibiting my ability to interact with people was extremely helpful. Because I just thought I was really bad at it and processed it as a point of failure (which was intolerable). At one point she said "You don't have to do things you don't want to just because you feel like you should" and I think about that a lot. That should have been obvious but it was like she slapped me with a fish
#i used to pretend to be a person a lot more. now im just like im too fucking tired to not be anything but myself#ill wear whatever weird patterns i want. ill avoid all eye contact and say whatevers in my head. bc usually its nothing#harmful. perhaps a bit blunt but usually in a way thst makes ppl laugh. with me or at me idk but whatever#ill be as weird as i want. i wear fucking white moon boots around everywhere lol. ay now im just being defensive bc#these r the things my sister would make fun of me for lol. point is im probably autistic and overthinking it#but in the past few yeas when the obsessive compulsive behavior started to become a more and more obvious problem i was like hm maybe its#something else and my brain restricts even the words i use in the context i use them so i became no longer allowed to say oh yea im#autistic. which is annoying. thr malignant force that is my obsessive compulsive tendencies. which again im not allowed to name bc its not#allowed without an official diagnosis bc thats how my brain work 👍#level 1 autism sounds Hilarious tho. the teired heavens of autism. ive only ascended to level 1. allegedly.#god. my brain. y do i have to plausible deniability myself. its like im waiting for someone to collect evidance and make an arrest bc of#messy liguistics. ay ay ay. there r 2 wolfs inside me. one is trying to drown the other lol#unrelated#me when i have to b around ppl: actually im an insect person. an alien studying humans. watch them go#but no no im not one of them. im simply an observer
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#if i dont see or talk to him this week i actually will go insane oh my god#like id message him right but heres the problem..... i really only talk when i have something to say#and hes the same way#so you can imagine THE DILEMMA#and we're not at like a stage of friendship where i can just say whatever the fuck to him in a message. like there still has to be an Inten#or whatever youd call it IDK.#i cant just send him a bird n be like .... thought youd like this JDJDJDJDJDJDJJDDNN#but one day.... one day.....#personal#plus... our last convo was kinda...... HHHHH. bc ... i wanted to clear up a misunderstanding. but there kinda wasnt one ?????#idk i overthought it. n now i havent seen or talked to him since so...... ya. theres a Fear there that i ruined everything#but.... idk i think the convo was fine like. its been almost a week and i keep reading it over (insane behaviour ik) n idk when it happened#i thought it was funny but then i overthought AGAIN. n AGAIN#All until yesterday in fact#but now i think im at peace????? idk it was kinda funny#id just hate to think that my overthinking/anxiety got in the way of the Something Maybe Thing between us.... ya
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gonna word vomit in these tags oops
#rambling to myself whatever#ik i just need to settle into this flat and get used to living by myself but im kinda like#hmm have i cursed myself w being lonely#i think also this flat is pretty dark bc the other buildings block out the sunlight so my seasonal depression is going crazy in advance#like its dumb but im not very approachable irl so i dont have many uni friends on my course and im just kinda#idk how i feel about it all#if my timetable stays the same i have tues and wed off and im getting in my head wo the distraction#like ik ill be fine in theory but im overthinking rn and its not even 3am lonely hours#and ik i can go out and do things by myself bc i often do but sometimes its nice to have the company#i made most of my friends at dorms but it was intercollegiate so they all go to diff unis to me so timetables clash double#and my closest uni friend is studying aboard in ny rn :(#idk i just feel like sometimes im not on the same path as everyone at uni rn#or maybe ur 20s are really just isolating idk#esp after the pandemic and many many lockdowns like i took a year out and all my old friends went straight to uni#and the diff in experience just meant they got closer and i got further#i only talk to one of them now and shes my ride or die but also she was kinda in a diff group of friends#and its funny (?) to think my main friendship group all still talk to each other#i just dont think im an easy person to be friends with#and idk why#its not for lack of trying or anything i just dont think im the type of person who has longlasting relationships#idk im not going into that rn#i also chose to go to a uni close to home so theres a lot that ive already done#its ok i can always do them again#but also im kinda like what if i just go home !! lmao#and itd be nice but i think itd make me feel worse when im back in the flat#hh whatever let me just get on with it and move on#its only 5 weeks until reading week and i only have this year left of uni#endure endure endure
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hi it’s midnight on june 8. one year ago today i found out i got the job im currently in. and today i will be interviewing for it again 🤪
#im scared shitless but trying rly hard not to think about it at all. idk if that’s a good strategy but this time it’s like i stay in the job#no matter what it’s just do i get permanent status and a raise or not. so it’s not low stakes ofc but the stakes aren’t as high and maybe#overthinking and prepping responses and shit will be unhelpful. but idk. i kinda want to explode about it lol. i just want this hell process#to be over and for all the secrets and politics and whatever to just… stabilize bc my nerves are so shot at this point lol#purrs#also ngl i am like 85% confident that no one else who applied (IF anyone else applied) made it through to interviews so the odds are… pretty#strong that this is gonna work out i think. but it’s still just so stressful and i want and need to not be stressed. lawl
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I've been wondering more and more lately if I should stop drawing for this fandom. In a way it doesn't feel like I add anything of value to it. I don't really think my ideas or thoughts are what the people are looking for and in a way I guess I'm wondering why I still bother
#i think a lot of it is how people talk to and about other artists#how excited people get when someone posts#i feel like maybe what i do still lacks the soul and passion people are searching for#which might be worse in a way bc I'm not sure there's anything else I'm as passionate about#i probably shouldn't overthink and just draw whatever#i just keep being confronted with it and I keep taking things too personal lmfao
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can you get burnout from doing nothing
#or am i going through a mental breakdown. based on the symptoms matching whatever the past week has had going on#unless it was caused by trying to socialise online#which i am so bad at and i guess seeing other people easily be all friends with each other kind of made my brain go 😨😱😖🤯#<- along with various other surrounding emojis#i'm stuck at uni rn bc my band has 2 gigs coming up + rehearsals so i have to be here. but there is nothing to do except Think#but yeah there was the alienated fandom feeling bc idk it always feels like everyone speaks to each other in dms and has all this like#lore with each other and i have no idea what's going on#and trying to actually interact is soooooooo exhausting and i always feel like i'm too slow or behind everyone else and yeah#and then camp weehawken began and i couldn't even deal with seeing everyone doing that and all knowing each other really well and idk#so i just left tumblr briefly. bc of everything. bc i'm irrational#basically the worst feeling is when you have friends in a fandom but then your hyperfixation starts to wear off and turns out they weren't#close friends they were fandom mutuals. btw this isn't about anyone in particular this has happened for most fandoms i've been in#it was more of a sudden realisation that's been creeping up on me for years. so to deal with the fading hyperfixation i just had to Go#and now i'm obsessed with threads. which has like no fandom. so at least the hyperfixation fadeout will be easier to deal with lol#but yeah it's that sort of feeling when you finish at some place and you make some friends but once you leave you never talk to them again#and knowing you didn't really leave a strong enough impact on them that they still wanna keep in contact with you#pretty much like that#at the same time though there's nothing to do atm so maybe i am just bored and overthinking#but still it's annoying to go through especially when it's happened for almost every experience in my life#also like I'd occasionally log back into tumblr to see what's going on but i'd see people liking posts on the swag archive and it's like#cool at least people like the archives :') but anyone could've done those#idk it's like i have to do something like that for people to actually care and as soon as i'm not contributing anything then i'm just#forgettable or something#i wanna come back to tumblr but idk if my brain is ready for that dsjkljf. i told myself i'd only come back when things feel stable#but also i'm impatient lol#again this isn't about anyone specific my brain just LOVES to malfunction it's actually its favourite pasttime <3#but either way if i seem really negative lately or just. weird. it's just my brain being its classic overdramatic self#i mean the thoughts are very real and based on vaguely true evidence but also my brain loves to exaggerate things to sabotage my life#i'm hitting tag limit so anyway. at least threads isn't happening rn so that's pretty good#ramble
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