#any day of the week any time or place
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#carlos sainz#what my diet consists of#any day of the week any time or place#he gets on my nerves#hes the type of guy that is so annoying but if we were in a romcom i would fall in love with him
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the barista lady in the treviso café fucking giggles every time you buy the fancy coffee lucanis likes from her btw. can't believe the game is calling out rook and me like this
#I've tried it several times to check it wasn't a fluke and nope it does happen consistently I'm pretty sure it's intentional#bioware Know. they knowwww. they know exactly what I'm like and god bless them for it#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#rook x lucanis#rookanis#café pietra barista gazing kindly at rye like 'I know what you are.' (a simp) while the tips of his ears go very very warm#clearly some sort of underlying drift compatability here since rook in one night can somehow manage to hit on all two (2)#of the elements of lucanis' instinctive understanding of courtship behaviour (knives and coffee/food) hfksjdfhas#in lucanis' defense when a guy buys you knives AND good coffee (despite not even drinking the stuff much himself) on a first date...#when your love language is that unhinged and they straight up compose a shakespeare level sonnet in it on the spot#seemingly without even realizing it. I mean what else can you be expected to do but fall so cataclysmically in love#that you'd kill god over it any day of the week easy. wild stuff#even wilder since in my playthrough he isn't entirely sure rye meant anything by it/as more than a friendly gesture#for like. MONTHS.#lucanis is a regular at that place and they all for sure know exactly who he is so can you IMAGINE the gossip that must start#after that conversation starts to take on a flirty edge. hotboi crown prince of the crows returns from the dead and is making eyes#at ~*mysterious stranger*~ who just showed up in town. some I hear netherfield park is let at last stuff going on for these guys#as they watch all of this go down
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OH YEAH NO THATS GONNA HAUNT ME FOR AGES. MIKKSY SAYING PLAYBOYS AS HE PHONES INTO A FINNISH RADIO STATION COMPLETELY FUCKING PISSED
the whole exchange is so good (x)
#niko mikkola#florida panthers#if youll excuse me that audio is going to haunt me till the end of time#“has lunka been calling in?” he says like a big brother checking to see if his little brother is doing well in school#finns: unhinged edition#calling in while drunk...2 days in a row#“hey so sasha people are saying youre diligent and that youll start training for the fall early”#sasha with absolute no hesitation “one can get their steps in walking around tampere with the cup right?”#hes always been delightfully witty but with the air of “i just won a cup” it becomes so much hotter#so dumb the way my brain stuttered over mikksy saying miami#unfortunately i am just a boy with an embarrassing crush please dont look at me#niko “we have a week to reflect and enjoy what we did [win the cup] and enjoy this” mikkola#aleksander “*turning to lundy* will you have time to think about it” barkov#anton “no i wont” lundell#sasha loves putting lundy in his place any chance he gets#theyre all like cats poking their heads out the door and fighting over who gets to peak first MY TURN NO MY TURNNNN MY TURN ON SPEAKERPHONE#amazing no notes truly
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40 YEARS.
#dayshift at freddy's#dsaf#dsaf art#dsaf fanart#dsaf henry#it bums me that henry's experience with the void hasn't been talked about for years#thus i wanted to write a fic w/ several chapters focusing on different time periods#the day BJ dragged him there -> the next day -> second day -> week -> month -> year -> day ???#but writing is intimidating so instead i drew it to at least share the vision#still. it would've been awesome to actually *write* about this 100% mentally stable fellow in solitary confinement......#and not just any kind. the white torture room kind (which the void pretty much is)#with the exception of not having blaring lights (not sure if 24/7 pitch black is a much better alternative)#and the complete lack of ANY vertical/elevated surfaces -- hoo boy. that back must hurt REAL bad.#CARDIOVASCULAR HYPERTENSION 🔥🔥👏#me doing a disgusting amount of research/pondering only to end up writing nothing 😈#i jest of course. i LOVE doing that i don't even need a reason to#⠀#saddam hussein's hiding place.
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There are a lot of Worst Things about depression. Everybody's got a different Worst Thing. Hell, I can't always decide on what my personal Worst Thing is. Sometimes it's the numb despair. Sometimes, it's the dumb animal panic. Most of the time, though, it's that there isn't enough room inside of me.
What I mean is: I care about too many things. I think that's pretty standard these days for a lot of people. Empathy stretched fine as gossamer. We see so much suffering each day. We see so much more than any one person was meant to. So you wind up caring, because caring is what a person is wired to do, what makes life worth living. You care about people you know. You care about people you've never met. You care about situations in countries you haven't set foot in. You care about the political climate of your own hometown. You care about your own dreams. You care about your best friend's bad luck. You care about your pets' health. You care about when the next book in your favorite series will come out. You care, and you care, and you care, because you're wired to care about it all. It's exhausting sometimes, but it's life. Sometimes the best part of life.
With depression, the caring space gets to feeling too full. Has packed tight, all those elements butting into one another until they lose meaning, the darkness threading into the gaps. There just isn't enough room inside of me for all the fear and the despair and the weird empty anger, much less the stuff that actually matters. So I start shorting out. Because, see, depression makes it so I can't care; don't see a point in even trying. And the real me, the part of me that isn't being cannibalized by the demons, doesn't know how to do anything else. So the middle ground becomes: shrink the caring space. Shrink it down bit by bit. All systems are running at once, and we're getting low on juice, so the natural thing is to start shutting off lights. Start jettisoning the extraneous to make room.
Except it's depression at the wheel, not common sense, so it's not just the extra flair getting turned off. Not the despair and the mind-numbing terror and the reckless urge to pick fights. The stuff that winds up getting tossed is stuff I need. Stuff that keeps me going. It's all being shut down at once, no rhyme or reason, until I suddenly can't care about the things that are me. Intrinsic, fabric-level stuff. I can't care about creating. About making art. About telling stories. I can't care about other people telling stories. I can't care about my friends the way I'm supposed to. I can't care about their travel or their kids or their wins. I can't care about making food for myself. I can't care about brushing my teeth. I'm shutting down to component parts, but I didn't get to pick which components are still running full-power, so I wind up with just a handful of randomly blinking lights. Suddenly, I care very much about my fear of the future, my financial insecurity, how fast I can run a 5K, a single television show--and just about nothing else.
It isn't healthy. It's sure as fuck not sustainable. And I know from experience that the rest of the system will come back online eventually. I'll find myself telling another story in a week or a month. I'll find myself sketching something out of nowhere. I'll find myself able to grieve a lost loved one and treasure my new nephew. It'll all come back, in time. But it's the in-between bit that grates. The bit where I'm in the shuttle with my knees tucked against my chest, sucking oxygen through a straw, trying to conserve whatever is still running. The bit where I resent the people in my life who aren't running on fumes like I am. Where I'm furious that they can care, that they can move freely, that they aren't pacing a minuscule cage like I am. It's a loss, all the months and years I've spent on life support. It's a fucking waste.
That's where I am right now. Life support. Little things get in, from time to time. I can suddenly inhale a book series start to finish. I can suddenly coax myself into eating the same thing for lunch for three weeks straight. Those are extra lights on the dash, and I have to treasure them. Because there isn't really room, so any little thing that I find space for is a gift. And everything else--talking. planning. trusting. creating. intake.--has to stay dark for a little while longer.
It'll come back on. I have to believe it'll come back on.
In the meantime, I hunker in my shuttle, and I wait.
#depression#personal#i dunno if this makes any sense at all#and i know plenty of people here didn't follow me for navel-gazing mental illness essays#so like. feel free to blacklist those terms to your heart's content#but this place has always been an artist's gallery and a sticker book and a journal#and sometimes that last bit looks like this#anyway. yeah. can't care. or i've cared so much i've shorted myself out. i dunno.#i'm hyperaware that i want to be doing things with my time. or that i need to be. and still very little is getting in#so if you wonder why i perodically post some nonsense and then vanish for three days#or why i'm inhaling thousands of pages of space opera in a week#it's because...it's a single blinking light on my dashboard. and it could go away at a moment's notice. so i'm clinging to whatever gets in#and hoping the rest of the lights will come back on soon
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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Blehhh
#so like#physical therapy and medical stuff has been cutting into my sleep for three weeks now#and yesterday we were up to like noon thirty cuz we had to talk to a lawyer#and a few days ago we asked her what the turkey day plans are#and she said dinner at 1pm. fucking one in the afternoon.#we've identified 1-3pm to her as the hardest times for us make cuz it's basically the middle of when we are sleeping#normally we try for ~9:30 am to be in bed or getting in#and up around 5 or 6#and it's just#i know she's not doing it to single me out she's just an insane woman when it comes to her schedule#but it would have been nice if she ever made any effort to try make sure we could be included -_-#cuz this was an issue last few thanksgivings too#so she KNOWS about it#she can't not know about it#and idk#one of my sister's always got judgy about it cuz ~she works 60+ hours a week~#and i didn't show up on time to help cook cuz i needed a nap after work#and i KNOW she's gonna be a bitch about is not being at the gathering#though i don't think she'll contact me about it#and like#i would love to go honestly!#that's the kicker!#if it was at 4pm it something I'd absolutely go!#my sister's just moved so i won't get to see them often and i would like to visit with them#not to mention we could use a good free meal >.>#but like#fuck dude#we're already exhausted and we're kinda sick of having to meet my mom at a place that's unreasonable for us#so i guess it's Thanksgiving alone at my place of a bowl of chili with cheese and some potato salad#means we get stream at least
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Swear i am in love with this man at the gym
#tf is this guy so tall for#hi alexis#hi amelia#i am in love#had to let the people know#legit 190 cm and puts his waterbottle on top of the lateral pullfown chest row pull up machine rig thing#hes at least 34#lovr#any day of the week any time or place
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Ok fuck it you know something I've never really quite understood about part of the Leftist vs Liberals debate on voting.
So so so many people act like its either-or. Like you're either dedicating your entire life to voting and promoting politicians and phone banking or whatever, or you're a True Rebel waiting for The Uprising to Come and Solve Everything.
But like. In my experience. Me voting is just me kinda go 'which person seems kinda good? Which one at least sucks the least? ok lemme go vote.' and then its anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour tops of my life. And I still have plenty of time to do Stuff and participate in Conversations about Other Important Things. And also you can admit and acknowledge and understand that the system As Is kinda sorta really sucks ass, but also still admit and acknowledge and understand that at this current point in time we are still living in the suckass system and do something to alleviate the suckass At Least A Little while also working to bolster/create/advocate for Other Systems.
I guess just like. it's not a black or white thing. Between 'top 500 volunteers for a specific politician/voting office/etc' and 'absolutely positively not voting at all' there is a gray area called 'vote and then just do other stuff'.
#out of queue#ani rambles#ani rant#now hang on its time to acknowledge my Privilege(TM)#the first few times I ever voted for anything I was in college and the student center was a voting center#so asides from waiting in a long (~30 minute tops bc early vote) line to get in I didn't have to do a big drive or anything#and at my house there's a voting center thats a like 5 minute drive from my place or a 10 minute drive depending on what election it is#and im ablebodied and have a open (read: jobless) schedule so I can Just Go for the most part#i live in a City so there's probs lots of voting centers at churches and libraries and all across town too#but like. some people act like people saying Hey Go Vote Plz are screaming like#'if you don't donate 200 dollars and 4+ weeks of your time to canvassing and calling and volunteering you are RUINING AMERICA'#when at least from what I've seen its just like. 'can you maybe go fill in a bubble on a Scantron so people like me don't Die Faster.'#also there's early voting and mail-in voting and all that jazz like yeah the current system makes it harder to vote but theres still W AYS#you don't gotta pull up at 6am on Election Day Tuesday yknow?#if i get blasted for this remember as I was: happy and rambling at 3am about greenhouses and solarpunk stuff#plz be nice i beg k bye
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.
#okay random story time i don't know why im narrating this or how i even stumbled upon this memory rn#but i generally do sad vents in the tags and for a change this is a funny one#so back in highschool (i say highschool but i mean junior college) i used to visit this park near my house a lot#i was an sg kid back then and the thing about parks there is that they're kinda beach-parks and they have the best cycling/running tracks#they're also really massive parks so i used to go often. sometimes bicycling. other times walking. yeah. the park was like my sanctuary#anyway. there are quite a few bike rental areas in the park and there was a cute lil shop next to this one particular rental place#and they sold like biscuits and water and icecreams and stuff and i went there a lot#and on one particular day i went there and there was this guy around my age part timing at that shop#now again this might be culture specific bc i dont see it in india but part timing in uni/pre-uni is pretty common is sg#a lot of shops and restaurants employ teenagers to twenty something ppl for part time jobs... anyway im just adding context#point is that i had walked to the park with my mum that day and she told me to go buy a couple icecreams so i went to the shop#and i saw this guy around my age and like. not to be a simp but this dude was so pretty?#like he saw someone had come to the counter so he looked up and shot a smile and i thought i got slapped by sunlight#i could spend the next several lines going on about his pretty tan skin and his glowing raven eyes but this is pathetic enough so ill stop#anyway he saw me and smiled really wide (customer service smile- i thought to myself) and i smiled back and asked for icecreams or whatever#and then this guy started getting chatty right. so he was all 'you come here (to the park) often right? ive seen you with your bike a lot'#see now. the problem with me is that i always think im bothering people. this poor dude was attempting to make conversation#and i was replying with one word answers#and i wasn't even realizing that he didnt want that. bc he kept asking more questions and i. kept. shutting them down.#then when he gave me the icecream he was all 'are you here alone? icecream alone is no fun... i could keep you company if you want..?'#which. he was being really cute about right. but because im so fucking dense i was all 'oh no i came with my mom actually'#and he went 'aw man' in this really cute but faux sad way which i didnt understand at the time and i left and then#after three full fucking days. i realized this man was tryna hit on me?#and then i went to the park like a week later and he was gone. poof. i even thought of asking the uncle in charge of that place#then i got too embarrassed and chickened out#yeah so turns out my neurodivergence neutralizes any sort of rizz that comes my way#i could've been chilling with a cute boyf rn but no😩 this is my destiny#megumi in the tags
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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v theee [boring car selling in nc details] theee to junk ur car the company wanted me to go ahead and sign the title and leave the buyer info blank which is having an open title (bc if u drop it on the way to sell ur car anyone can pick it up and fill in their info and own ur car) and is like. STUPID illegal in nc. like people still do it esp in just third party-to-third party sales. and junker services do it so if they can sell the car again they dont have to deal with two transactions of paperwork and fees [<- which is why its illegal so nc can capture those fees]. but like. they shouldnt be able to tell me on their publically available site that they want me to break nc law
and also nc law wants me to get that title notarized which because of open titles being illegal. most notaries wont notarize u if the buyer isnt also there filling in their info.
most notaries are also. either like banks or other m-f 9-5 type businesses. or just some random person in their house. and random person in their house is more likely to break the law for me but i dont want to ask some random person to break the law for me
(the dmv will also notarize and anecdotally from reddit some of them totally will just shrug and let u do it with only you the seller/you the buyer there instead of needing both but thats arbitrary depends on getting someone who doesnt care lol)
AND also. even if im selling to a person not trying to get me to break the law just buying my car regular. and i work m-f 9-5 or we both work hours where theres no way to get us both in the same place and certainly not a bank or a dmv except like, sunday evening, when no banks or dmvs are open.
do we just go fuck ourselves????????? like what do they want. they want me to die?????? i think my government wants me to die and sterilize myself
#i think my government wants me to go fuck myself and die in a fire kjhskjfgj#^ also theres a whole thing ive been separately running into w me and my roomie and my coworker all having Encounters w the dmv#and learning how theyve gutted that department bad styles since the last time any of us had to interact with that for license/title shit#like christ theres just no way to get INTO those places anymore. cuz they understaff and staff with only temp workers and then run#those temp workers badly. theres just no way to get in to get your license/renew it anymore without camping out on the site#every day to snipe an open appointment in a town an hour away three months from now (as far out as theyll book you)#or camping out in your actual building at 6 am and hoping they can maybe get to you as a walk-in at some point that day and probably not#bc 50 other ppl had the same idea. so have fun doing that for a week#and its like WOW I WONDER IF ANY OF THESE CHANGES HAPPENED AFTER THEY STARTED REQUIRING PHOTO ID TO VOTE#THAT IT SUDDENLY BECAME IMPOSSIBLE TO GET PHOTO ID. bc dmv also handles the non-drivers license version too im p sure
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Omg i haven't been updating lately but guys I'm moving out of my abusive household :D it's so surreal and anxiety inducing and change is scary but i will persist!!!!!!!
#basically for a while I've been paying all my mom's bills while she refuses to get a job and psychologically abuses me#the bills thing isn't inherently abusive! sometimes ppl need help! but the way she treats me is#any time i stand up for myself or ask her to please stop manipulating me‚ she calls me a narcissistic abuser and selfish and awful stuff#she steals rent money from me to the point that i have to hide it‚ and tells me I'm being selfish and immature if i spend money on myself#like stuff that isn't really necessary but makes me happy#not even like expensive shit‚ she gaslights the hell out of me if i spend more than $20 on a frivolous item#and it's not that she can't work‚ she just doesn't want to. she's into mormon tradwife shit and is like ''i need a man to provide''#she's worked as a line cook/at call centers/delis/hotels etc etc. she just doesn't /want/ to work#this is also bc she thinks she's the bride of Christ and is like ''the day of reckoning is coming so i don't need a job''#also she regularly goes through my room and takes stuff and like‚ goes through under my bed to see what I'm hiding#which is super invasive and weird#and she got super verbally abusive 2 years ago when i was physically disabled (literally using a cane) and couldn't work#Anyway. our rent has been $1475 and i also pay electricity and wifi and every other bill under the fucking sun#and she tried to get me to sign the lease and i said no! cuz me and my cousin are actively looking for a place to rent together#so i might be out in 10 days or by the end of the month depending on what the apartment office says#I've been packing up my stuff and I'm gonna be staying with my cousin and her fam for a couple weeks#it's way closer to my work and I'm gonna take my cat and stuff so it's chill. big changes are really scary cuz autism but I'll persist#a.txt
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@reserved-fruit thank you for the link to this video with Kris' heart ring (goes perfectly with Keep Me Grounded, Keep Me Calm, just saying 👀 do you like friends (Bojan and Kris) comforting each other and jokingly proposing while still being deeply serious about how important their friendship is? Go read this!).
Here's some screenshots to look at with me, why? Because I'm a touchstarved bitch and scream and cry at any sighting of physical affection. Thank you Bojan for providing enrichment in my enclosure.
Also this one. Because I see a mention of friends spending time together because they love each other and love spending time together, I scream and screech in missing my friends noises.
#i'm half convinced alistair has saved me on discord as touchstarved fuck or something#anyway. do these fuckers know how LUCKY they are to have their friends this close at any given time?#I spent 2 1/2 weeks at my parents' during christmas and I saw friends I think... three maybe four times#plus a visit at a friend's place across the border for two days#which i was very happy about! i was really happy about the times i did see friends!#but it also sucks that everyone's so busy with their own lives and responsibilites and whatnot that it's this hard to see friends now#plus that one friend who just doesn't answer anyone anymore. just TELL US if you don't want to see us anymore#that's okay. it would still hurt but sometimes a friendship has come to its end and that's okay even if it hurts. but don't just#ghost your entire friend group while still sending snaps and then not answering if we answer there#okay that turned into a rant#because like bojan in the shower with kris i am incapable of shutting the fuck up in the tags#go read that fic!#mine#joker out
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lol. i think ive reached my limit.
#i just cannot take this torture anymore#ive been at the mercy of this horrible disease for over half my life now#imagine living knowing that roughly every 3.5 weeks youre going to experience the most excruciating pain of your life#along with crushing. usually suicidal depression. and such extreme fatigue and exhaustion that you easily sleep for 14+ hours a DAY#AND ITS ALL FOR FUCKING *NOTHING*#there is literally ZERO benefit or reason for me to be experiencing this#it is 100% extraneous#and even if you go to a dr and try to get treatment their only recommendation is 1) pain killers and/or 2) birth control#which both come with their own fucking share of unpleasant side effects#not to mention theyre not even 100% effective at stopping the problem in the first FUCKING place#and imagine even tho you have this DEBILITATING DISORDER society at large has decided it straight up DOESNT EXIST#to the point where REAL ACTUAL MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS will dismiss your symptoms#not to mention people in your life who dont understand or just straight up dont believe your disorder is real#good luck keeping a job or any other major commitments#considering you'll either be out of commission for like. 1 out of ever 4 weeks#or youll have to work/whatever WHILE experiencing said excruciating pain/crushing depression/debilitating exhaustion#not to mention the GI issues and the migraines and the brain fog and the fucking. full body aches#wanna go to a concert? or plan a vacation? or just. fucking. RELAX? you better hope its not during Hell Week or youre outta luck#and youve got roughly 30-40 YEARS of this to look forward to#maybe less IF YOURE LUCKY#im fucking over it#i cant take it anymore#im making an appt to see a dr and i WILL NOT LEAVE THEIR OFFICE until they have referred me to whoever i have to talk to to make this stop#my fucking fury at having to live like this has officially outweighed my fear of invasive procedures/recovery time/side effects#let along the torture that is navigating the medical care system as an AFAB#i just. i cant do this anymore.#i want to fucking LIVE#fuck
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I'm getting to the end of my line over here.
#LIKE I KNOW. BUT ALSO. LIKE. IT HAPPENED WITH EVERYONE SO MAYBE.#like being left on read is okay im fine with that#im also fine with not being messaged for a few days bc I well know life can get busy and overwhelming so ita totally fine#but being left on read consistently. being not messaged for weeks. BY EVERYONE.#please if im doing or saying something wrong i need to know bc ill stop or change bc please i want my firends to want to talk to me#i want my firends to see something and think of me and tell me about it#i want them to listen to a song and send me a link or watch a show i reccomend and give me a script of their reactions#i feel like im giving and not getting a lot back and i want to know what im doing wrong#and if im giving too much i also want to know it bc then ill back off or stop#bc i get so excited when i see ive got messages or asks from my friends and id like to think they feel the same about me#but from my end it doesnt feel like that#i went mia for four days. i touched nothing. reblogged nothing. gave no sign i even existed anymore. and i got one dm the whole time#i love tumblr but its feeling less and less like i have any place here at all let alone on any other socials
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