#and you discover you liked each other
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Someone take my phone off me because I have typed the words I'm in love with you to my crush and then deleted them immediately after but I get closer and closer to actually sending it everyday I'm gonna explode
#sumarmz waffles#lesbianism is not for the weak#especially when you dont even know if its actually love or just unhealthy obsession 😭#ive experienced limerance once i am not doing that crap again#this is the consequences of codependent homoerotic friendships#words of advice from a 15 year old: if ur also queer friend says you should get married if x happens#run.#Its the start of the end#the beginning of the borderline dating stage where you both THINK you have a crush on each other and its painfully obvious#yet neither of you confess#yet you still act gay#then you both get over the crush#and you discover you liked each other#and you lie awake in agony every night thinking of what couldve been#then the crush resurfaces#but only for you#if i had a nickel for everytime i was in a codependent homoerotic friendship where i at some point believed i was obsessively in love#id have two nickels.#which isnt a lot but its weird that it happened twice#phineas and ferv reference go crazy#im about to pass out as i write this#tell my story#my eyelids are dropping#ive drooped my phone multiplrer times#yet i must oerservere
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The tac net crash chapter is one of my favorites so far~
Ah and. Guess what. I just discovered that including this post, I made 50 pieces of fanart for Mistakes on mistakes until.. I’m so sane and normal about this story can you tell👍
#maccadam#transformers#fic fanart#momu fanart#jazz#prowl#jazzprowl#considering the speed and the amount of fanart#….yeah I can see why tumblr thought I was a bot lmao#also#I mostly read during night and then drawing from memory during day so uhhhhh the accuracy is questionable haha#mainly I feel like half of the time I don’t know how tf Jazz looks. The guy switching between his looks so often jdjfjfj#IM. SO GLAD THEY RESOLVED THEIR DRAMA EHEHBJGJ#The scene in medbay was so damn cute#oh my goddddd#the scene of the tac net crash#muah#loved it~#you know the thing is - I'm a biiiig fan of mutual feelings and actions#the scene of the kiss was absolutely great but it was a bit one sided#Jazz cared about Prowl but Prowl was far more concerned about information safety and strategy and stuff#but this?? mmmm~ Them caring for each other#Prowl using his last moments of consciousness to ask Jazz if he is mad at him#Prowl actually deeply caring of what Jazz thinks about him now when he knows Prowl killed his friends#i don't know how to explain#kisses are great but this (points) this is my favorite five star meal right here#also there is something so funny about Prowl slowly discovering fow fucked up Jazz is and just accepting it#but being so scared when Jazz discover how fucked up he is. Only for Jazz to be like “boo I knew about your fuckedupness from the start”
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SONIC I LOVE YOU! HI SONIC I'M HUNGRY
snapcube's sonic unleashed playthrough is the best characterization of chip i've ever seen
#dusty art#sth#sonic the hedgehog#sonic unleashed#chip#chip the light gaia#snapcube#markatoto#im not kidding when i say this is something me and my partner do to each other like it just starts with HI SONIC I LOVE YOU#SONIC I JUST DISCOVERED WHAT GASLIGHTING IS! SONIC IM TAKING YOUR ABILITY TO FEEL AWAY! YIPPEE!!!
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Just the idea of clone Danny and clone Talia working out much bette then him and Talia would confuse poor Bruce. And best part all 4 of them don'T believe he is batman Danny: "We know he is your Sugarbaby, Mom and dad talked about it." Clone Talia:" So no fear, my OG liked a Himbo. And well Danny is a one too."
FR THO AND THEN THERE’S BABY DAMES IN THE CORNER SWEATING BECAUSE HE KNOWS. HE KNOWS. THE LoA TOLD HIM. He’s not saying SHIT though because this is hilarious. He’s silently laughing in the corner. And yessss Clone Danny and Clone Talia working out much better is exactly why I thought of it -- because one its funny and two the potential angst. the could have been.
It doesn't ever occur to Bruce to tell them he's batman but that conversation still comes up during mealtime one day while Danny's recovering (he has to be tied to his chair because he found the gym and nearly dislocated his shoulder trying to train. Dammit Danny your bones are made of glass right now from destabilizing, let your cells repair before doing anything!) because the four of them were talking about Batman and his clan of kids.
Danny, frowning: im not a himbo?
Nasra: reportedly when you first met Damian, your first response to his attacking you was to... grab the blade with your hands, multiple times. This resulted in you slicing a nerve in both hands and permanently weakening your fine motor control.
Danny: well--
Nasra: even now you're rubbing your palms, you only do that when your hands are bothering you.
Damian, snapping his head up: what!?
Danny: you noticed that?? also i learned. I didn't repeat myself when you attacked me when we met, did I?
Nasra: i. suppose not. you're still a himbo, however.
also Danny does his usual 'run on negative sleep' bullshit while in the manor except now he has not only damian but also Nasra tag-teaming his bullshit. Like no, Danny. you need sleep to recover your strength. your ghostly investigation can wait until you're not about to pass out and break your nose on your laptop. They have whole ass arguments in arabic - all three of them - as damian AND nasra drag danny to the closest soft horizontal surface. Danny returns the favor to the both of them when those two are also doing their 'negative sleep' stuff.
Dick at bby Dames: so do you....
Damian: know that you guys are Batman and his family? Yeah. Grandfather and Mother told me before I was living with Danny.
Tim: how come Danny and Nasra don't know then?
Damian: I didn't think it was important to tell Danny that his original was Batman. He does know of the League, however. He calls Grandfather my "super evil, ecofascist grampa and his cult of killers" and doesn't want to know more out of worry of needing to get involved.
Dick: I - really?
Damian: yes, he figured that since grandfather had yet to successfully wipe out my original, then that whatever Damian Wayne was doing was working. And that if he knew more, then he might have to get involved, and he has own problems to worry about than the League of Assassins.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dp crossover#dpdc#dp dc#dp dc crossover#dpdc au#dpdc crossover#danny fenton is not the ghost king#danny fenton is a clone#clone^2#dick at nasra and damian: you dont like each other??#Damian: she attacked danny Nasra: he's an annoying little ingrate Danny: oh good they're getting along finally#nasra and damian solidarity is them sparring each other in the gym repeatedly. its how they start bonding. :) and also making sure danny#is taking care of himself. Danny makes sure Damian isn't staying awake too late from art or his own hobbies#and same with Nasra. he finds her beating the shit out of a training dummy and coaxes her to go get hot chocolate with him from the kitchen#he tells her about stars she tells him about the ocean - she's discovered a love for it. they're infodumping to each other#i love the asks send me more (affectionate)#anyone: hey [idea for your au]?#me foaming at the mouth: HEY U SHOULD TALK TO ME MORE. LETS TALK. PLS
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phantom of the opera really has me writing m/f ... i don't like the person i've become
#straight couples can be interesting if they're mentally ill enough#and erik is literally the entire dsm crammed into one skeleton man#he has mental illnesses they haven't even discovered yet#don't be fooled! christine is also Unwell#it doesn't really come out in the piece i just wrote but i want to do more exploration of her character at some point#there is also good yaoi to be had in the fandom ofc#one time i was like 'erik and raoul should kiss' and somebody was like 'yeah they should have left christine'#i don't know how to break this to you buddy but they are poly#all three of them fuck each other on the regular#the middle aged moms who make up most of this fandom have just about wrapped their brains around gay guys#but poly relationships are too much for them i fear#if im rambling its bc its 4am#phantom#phantom of the opera#poto#erik the phantom#christine daae
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(Count)down to Dawntrail. 6/24
In the midst of a requiem for heroes, a voice rings out across time and space… In fields of tranquil light, sow you seeds of darkness. Though blazing skies give way to gentle night, What hand can end the war of Dark and Light?
#gpose#ffxiv screenshots#(count)down to dawntrail#'xoxo can you go A SINGLE PHOTOSET without adding th*ncred into it'#shut up don't look at me... shb is when they start getting googoo eyes for each other in a. more healthy way. ahem.#I had a wide shot of the crystal tower instead but it looked off so you get this instead#anyway haha I'm obsessed with Bad End shb how bout you#also inspired by people discovering that French Emet calls wol 'mon chere monstere' instead of 'eater' and I'm still uh vibrating about it#'There you may complete your descent into madness with some dignity far from prying eyes' tsuna's like 'yeah that sounds good actually :)'
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The worst thing is, Viconia would've fit perfectly in Shadowheart's storyline. From Viconia's (non-romanced) epilogue, we know this:
Viconia does found a cult of Shar in Waterdeep and she is betrayed by one of her followers. She is, not Shar. Shar, in fact, admonishes Viconia for this, showing she clearly never ordered that. And Viconia does not give a damn. This is the woman who left the cult of Lolth and went to the 'lighter' option that was Shar (compared to Lolth). She already deals with agents sent by Lolth, she's not going to let Shar tell her what to do.
The nature of the betrayal Viconia was the subject of is left entirely up to the player. With Viconia and Shadowheart's backstory being what they are, Shar's plot for a Selûnite child could've been perfectly inserted as the reason for Viconia's falling out with Shar.
Viconia left Lolth because of how children were treated, how she was treated herself. She did not turn to Shar to do the same thing. She would reject Shar's plot the moment the order came, and that would be the perfect trigger for one of her follower to turn of her. Shar's cult being what it is, I don't think taking down the whole lot is overkill to avoid further backstabbing. There aren't many who will pick their priestress over their goddess, especially not with how Sharran's faith emphasizes self-effacing. Can't make a decision for yourself when you don't think for yourself.
Shar's reprimends following what Viconia did further proves this wasn't what the goddess wanted. Complete that by adding she's incensed Viconia rejected her order and slaughtered her willing clerics, and you've got the perfect connection between Viconia and Shadowheart.
In BG 3, we could've met Viconia in Baldur's Gate, rather annoyed because she's been getting an influx of Sharran agents after her, and she's tracking the source to put an end to it. A Shar-aligned Shadowheart could've the mission to purge the cloister that failed to kill her, while a Selûne-aligned Shadowheart would work with her to put and end to the cloister, to give them both some peace and quiet.
Epilogue could've them both sharing tips on 'How to best kill an agent of faith sent after you'. They both have sharp tongues and a similar past, they could've had fantastic banter.
Instead we have this mess.
#baldur's gate 2#bg 2#baldur's gate 3#bg3#baldur's gate3 critical#viconia devir#shadowheart#i like shadowheart#why did they make me hate her quest#with a shar aligned shadowheart you meet a drow informant#who's really helpful supplying information about the sharran cult of the area#supposedly she's sent by shar to assit shadowheart in her quest#and it fits because this strange drow's doing everything a sharran cleric should#so why would anyone be suspicious#at the end of the house of grief amongst the other revelations#we discover the ever so helpful informant was actually viconia devir the traitor this cloister failed to eliminate#who used shadowheart's mission as an opportunity to get rid of the sharran after her#and now she's long gone#shar shadowheart is of course angry and makes it her mission to track her down once the netherbrain situation is handled#when you meet her in the epilogue she's still on the hunt though she had close encounters with her quarry and is eager to get back to it#with selune shadowheart viconia reveal herself for who she truly is and you get more dialogue and time with her#she joins you for shadowheart's quest as a temporary companion#with her and jaheira bitching the whole way there#you get the opportunity to convince her to stay to fight the netherbrain#she's there during the epilogue mostly keeping to herself but chatting with shadowheart a bit#mainly about their respective evasion of agents of the faith be it shar or lolth#more bitching with jaheira obviously#possibly with minthara too#they would probably dislike each other#the one person a drow is least likely to trust is another drow
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“You know, Damian’s half convinced you let it happen.” Tim scoffs. “Sounds like him.” “Not like that. He’s different now, he wouldn’t say that.” “What the hell else am I supposed to think?” “You confronted Azrael alone, in civvies, after he’d already beaten you up once just for getting in his way. Is it that much of a stretch for Damian to think you might have had a death wish?” “I didn’t have a death wish.” Steph gives him a long look. "Sure."
missed posting my annual november reverse robins timsteph angst so to make up for it here's an even angstier than usual painting from this AU <3 more coming soon hopefully!!
#tim drake#reverse robins#ev sketches#tw implied suicide#(in the knowingly putting yourself in a very very dangerous situation but not consciously or personally killing yourself kind of way)#if i had the skill and the motivation this was gonna be two panels bc this is what damian discovers when he books it to the cave#he and tim bond for the first time when tim is like all of my friends and family are dead you are literally my last choice.#but can you help me with this azrael thing. do NOT tell bruce he wants to retire and i can't take that from him.#trying to shield him from this has nothing to do with my dad very recently dying because of me being a vigilante btw.#and damian's like this is a bad idea and he's very obviously unwell and injured and we do hate each other but like. yeah. fuck bruce rn.#he literally hired this insane person to be interrim batman over me so yeah sure let's team up.#and then they hang out for a while and having a common enemy is awesome and bitching about bruce to someone who gets it is kind of. great?#and damian's like wow maybe it's not too late to have a relationship with this kid (my future brother????)#so they make plans to stop azrael and fix everything without even calling bruce once and they're like wow we make a good team!#like a day before they put that plan in action azbats kills someone very publicly#and damian is like oh god tim (very mentally ill) is about to do something so stupid.#and he is! but damian is in bludhaven when he hears the news so. too late. :(#when tim gets resurrected he's blind in one eye (azrael's sword) and can't always breathe right (died from blood in lungs)#he does not get the jason lazarus pit dunk 😔#at least not right away 😈#rr tag
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been fixated on this game biiig time recently. figuring out how to draw. animal.
#cult of the lamb#cotl#the lamb#narinder#the goat#could be narilamb. if you so wish.#not implicitly romantic but i do think they are devoted to each other in very fucked up ways. my opinion.#i like to imagine after a looong number of years narinder chills the fuck out#and also discovers he loves gardening and observing the seasons#something something taking comfort in death and rebirth in nature's cycles#i'm exciteeeed for the update#potionbarrel
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and also. having read the first book armand turning daniel on a whim Kind of makes sense to me in hindsight. I guess? I don’t know exactly how it fits into his conceptions about vampirism being a curse - which is what ticks me off the most - but what we do know is that in the books he finds daniel in lestat’s house chasing vampires soon after he leaves louis, where he’s possibly once again perceived as louis’s ‘leftovers’, maybe an object who had access to louis and his sympathy in a way he envies. in both iterations of the story there isn’t any significant period he goes through alone, and we see him attach himself to louis even with the threat of not receiving any love in return hanging over his head, hoping that the love will manifest eventually. now that he’s irreparably bound himself to daniel (fathered him, even) it’s not a stretch to anticipate him developing a very unhealthy attachment to daniel.
#I refuse to accept that spite was his only motivator… you can’t cheapen his betrayal of louis for turning madeleine by calling it spite…#there’s probably some recontextualisation coming but the need to have that recontextualisation NOW is driving me crazy#can you believe he was willing to let louis leave him in paris with the coven. but the moment he decided to turn madeleine he decided to#kill him.#text#iwtv#armand#loumand#dubai trio#and specifically the flavour of daniel being one of the very few people who manages to see through his lies/personas/obfuscations#like louis manages to discover his vulnerability despite his projected confidence is kind of delicious. I love you dubai trio…#they balance out each other’s personalities so well. I’m going to really miss them next season.
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“og 4 aliens very particular vibe in being ‘three distinct flavours of socially awkward loner and also valentino rossi’” LMAO I WAS JUST THINKING THIS!!!!!! That he has the funniest possible 3 foils in that era bc like…those three guys could not be less his vibe ~personality wise if they tried. And actually tbf I do think they WERE trying a lot of the time. Feeling very curious if you think there’s anything to the idea of how Marc was the first alien-era rival he had who was more on his level all around? Like early days Marc was kind of just 😀😀😀 all the time but I do think he can be v charming and is clearly extroverted as hell (tho like…notably also a loner but like…not by choice??). Like idk where im going w this but the contrast is interesting to me. IDK
to some extent! I'm not sure I'd necessarily call marc an extrovert, you can be charismatic and cheerful without being an extrovert - but also this is splitting hairs. the og four aliens are one guy who's on the 'roughly as extroverted as you can possibly get as a professional athlete' end of the spectrum and three guys who are on the 'roughly as introverted as you can possibly get as a professional athlete' end. now, tbh, I don't think valentino massively minded this. he's extroverted but crucially he's also got enough charm going for him that he could get his rivals to chat with him if he was so inclined. he had an increasingly friendly relationship with dani, there's real genuine warmth in how both of them talk about each other - ultimately dani might have been quite sullen and withdrawn in general, especially in his early years, but he got on well with valentino. casey and valentino had perfectly decent interpersonal chemistry, they got on well, and tbh they were still warm with each in-person long past the point where that relationship had rhetorically soured. with jorge... I mean, okay, no chemistry there, but that was also very much valentino's choice. I do not fundamentally doubt valentino's ability to charm twenty year old jorge lorenzo. I think just because they were DIFFERENT characters, that doesn't necessarily mean they weren't valentino's *type* personality-wise, like he does seem to be happy enough to be the chatty one who draws them out of their shells in that scenario. unless competitive necessity requires otherwise!! but as marc discovered, somewhat higher levels of extroversion does not protect you if that's the case
I will say I know you do put alien-era as a caveat, but it is still important to point out that marc is very much not the first valentino rival who doesn't fall in the introverted loner camp. valentino had a rival who matched his vibe!! who he had a real proper off-track friendship with, who he went on holidays with, who he had a warm relationship with for substantially longer than the marc/valentino honeymoon lasted. I think you can see the early marc era as a bit of a return to the friendlier vibes of the early noughties, but crucially it is a return. the early noughties was the last gasp before the sport came to be completely dominated by a bunch of young prodigies who had been moulded into perfect athletes and had less chance to grow into people outside of the sport - valentino is already part of that camp in everything but temperament, cf the contrast with biaggi. in the early noughties, he was surrounded by a bunch of older riders who varied dramatically in disposition... biaggi was the guy everyone had issues with, capirossi was always fond of valentino, kr jr he got on well with, he played a mentoring role for in hayden's rookie season... and of course, most importantly, the friendship with sete - now there's an obscenely friendly rivalry right until the very moment when it isn't. 2013-14 is a bit of a return to that more congenial climate, but at the end of the day that lot were still less likely to socialise than riders were back in the day. they just didn't have the time lol
so yeah, I mean. valentino clearly did take to marc on a personal level, and marc is definitely closer to valentino on the introversion/extroversion spectrum than the three other aliens are. though that is also... not difficult. there is something quite funny about how 2006-07 went from valentino's pov. the engine regs changed, valentino literally blinked and suddenly all his opps were toddlers. went from goofing off with capirossi on the sepang 2006 podium to running a daycare centre overnight. and marc is part of that! it's also a massive change in that suddenly, valentino was surrounded by rivals who had been influenced by watching him ride as they grew up and were all really, really, really weird about him. marc with his little bike collection, jorge with his dabbling in pseudoscientific schools of psychology, casey and his championship-winning shirt, dani... well, tbf, I do actually think dani was pretty normal about valentino - probably because he'd known him the longest. had gotten drunk with valentino in the days when the bloke was just an idol and not a god. which is an underrated reason why the dani/valentino relationship never got so weird imo, one that goes beyond competitive calculus - dani was the most capable of interacting with valentino as just another guy. with all three of marc/jorge/casey, that idolisation dynamic does contribute significantly to the interpersonal turmoil
but that's a topic for another day! in conclusion, marc defo the dispositionally cheeriest foil of the alien lot, albeit somewhat by default, and WAS part of the reason why motogp got a bit of a mood lift in that 2013-14 period after what had just been a dire few years vibes-wise. mediocre racing, devastation caused by the financial crisis, tragedy... motogp was feeling quite lifeless in 2011-12 in particular, and those years do have a bit of a drab energy to them. in that sense, what followed was a bit of a reversion to the mean until the vibes completely went off the cliff. have they ever recovered? who can say
#20 yr old jorge lorenzo prob could've been charmed with two compliments and a hug like fundamentally it's not that hard. send me in chief#I think I'm slightly off the extrovert marc train because me and bikefuckersoftheworldunite (well mainly not me)#have recently stumbled across a bunch of old pressers primarily from 2004#and. brother. the vibes were very different back then#i do fairly regularly watch thursday pressers during the year and let's just say it's a contrast from watching pecco marc and jorge -#- discover new exciting ways of examining dust particles three metres to the left of each others' heads#and marc's not just like that with his actual rivals!! he supposedly 'likes' 'bastianini' and that's not exactly flowing chitchat is it#this wasn't just a valentino thing either. guys back then just talked more idk what to tell u#casey would repeatedly stab me for this and i am SORRY king i am a gutter-born philistine with poor morals and wretched taste#but this is also why you desperately needed valentino in the alien era. like you need somebody to get these guys talking#but crucially i think it's a great contrast!! i think it's sweet when dani and casey discover speech and beam at valentino!!#i also don't think valentino massively minded friendly!casey like again the basic chemistry really wasn't ever the issue#//#brr brr#alien tag#batsplat responds#vale said in mid 2008 that his relationship with his rivals (read: dani/casey) was more 'normal' than in the past which is incredible stuff#given the generational acts of psychological and also literal terrorism he was about to commit#but yeah i mean aside from some barbs in the media that three-way dynamic was pretty all right. they did have fun together#honestly even those pressers probably had substantially better vibes than the stuff today. where ARE the messy extroverts#farewell aleix </3 last of a bygone era
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as promised, here is my cover of vse kar vem! 😇
(hopefully this works, I've never uploaded audio onto tumblr before so I'm praying I did it right 🤞😭)
#I have discovered that my guinea pigs think it is hilarious to start chasing each other round their cage specifically when I'm singing#they're quiet most of the time except when I'm trying to sleep and when I'm trying to record something 😭#this was the take they were quietest though so hopefully you can't hear them in the background too much akshajshsjh#anywaysssss this is slightly nerve-wracking so I hope you like it aaaaaa#joker out#vse kar vem#my cover
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i think it would've been soo much funnier if human first contact had been with the krogan. genuinely don't think it would've come to war with them. i just picture some alliance frigate crashlanding on tuchanka after going through a relay for the first time, turning its primitive guns to dust, and being found by like... one of the more level headed clans whose scouts just go look at wtf happened and they get very defensive at first because what if those weird mutant pyjaks are spies from the stg? what if they were sent to tuchanka to spread disease or something even worse than the genophage? but as soon as its clear that they can't understand a word of what they are saying they would get one of their own to call like. an asari ex gf to tell her about the stupid weird aliens that just landed on their planet. to see if she can maybe get them to go away?
#the asari doesnt believe them and thinks its just a ploy of her ex to get back with her. it takes photographic evidence for her to agree.#and like it still takes a while. poor humans run out of food but fear not! they discover pyjak meat doesnt kill you.#and when the krogan (with whom at this point they have some sort of communication figured out. hand gestures or something) learn of this#they just start throwing the poor space monkeys at well. the other newer space monkeys. they can eat each other it works well for them#ania speaks#txt#mass effect#the drawback of Not Having a first contact war is that there would be no like. pity-welcome for the new guys so things would be politically#harder for them. especially since they had to go and make first contact with the *krogan* of all people#this all came to me bc it looks like the krogan dmz and the local cluster seem to be really close to each other btw.
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i think an incredibly funny part of the aiichi dynamic is that at least one of them has to be traumatized and/or possess incredible worldly exhaustion in order to even consider the other as a romantic love interest
like they need to go through decades and time loops of war and hopelessness and death and destruction in order to be like huh maybe this guy isn't so bad
of course this doesnt go for every fic (academy blues my beloved) but. a lot of them do and it's SO funny
#aiichi#and the award for the worst ship ever is.......#aiichi and monipai are like the two ships you would not catch me DEAD admitting i like in real life#i cant imagine how it is for the shippers on twitter dawg#the p*do accusations must be absolutely insane on there#like no!! im not into the super seme rich sugar daddy aizen and innocent baby uke ichigo dynamic!! that's weird!!#but them being besties after fighting for their lives together and learning to depend on each other#and aizen being fond of ichigo but trying to pretend he's not because mwahaha he's so evil and above it all#and ichigo not trusting aizen but finding himself rooting for aizen and discovering he's not bad company#like. cmon#and if it's in canon then ichigo being a true punk and siding with aizen because fuck soul society's cringe ass hierarchy#(academy blues my beloved)#i should read it again tbh#and forever with you never sounded so stupid#ahhh but it should be reserved for like a once every 5 years thing so that i totally forget everything#and can relive the absolute joy that is that fic series#bleach
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Grian: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Sam: Break one of their bones instead! They've got 206!
#yandere high school#yhs#incorrect yandere high school#yhs sam#yhs grian#help I forgot how the tagging goes#anyways um!! hello tag readers#no i will not comment on how it's been half a year#aand no unfortunately this doesn't mean rapid posting again#just making quotes whenever I can now I guess#it's still so surprising to find people who discover and follow this blog like.. ty. it's grown so much from just being a fun pass time!!#the yhs brainrot is still within me#just not as strong as when i started this blog#see you again when I post!!#be safe dont kill each other and drink your water#love from the only mod of this blog [help]#!!
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I don’t really talk about it much on here because I’m extremely lucky to be able to understand exactly what’s going on in my body, but it’s scary to live for years as someone who Gets Things Done in a way your peers don’t really understand, be putting effort into so many things you care about, and then suddenly lose the ability to do not only that but also basic tasks overnight after a deadline, and bit by bit after many. it’s scary getting really irritable sometimes to the point of violence, just when you were meant to be celebrating the rewards from your hard work, the only impact of the work you did that you can see is that you overdrafted your ability to do anything. including have a basic conversation without getting grumpy or crying. and your body is going to make you pay it back with interest, you already know that, but you don’t know how to start filling yourself back up. you’ve only ever enjoyed being on the grind, hard at work on exciting things.
I don’t know how many of you have been through the kind of burnout that’s years of needing 12hrs of sleep a night but with terrible insomnia, waking up to what feels like a hangover for weeks on end with little relief then rinse and repeat without having a single drink, feeling too sick to eat and needing to exercise to emotionally regulate but being unable to, anxiety that doesn’t come from worry but you’ll pick that up too at some point, dissociating every time you try to do mentally taxing tasks that you’re PAID for so it takes an hour of grounding yourself just to get five minutes worth of productive concentration, falling asleep the minute you feel a little safe by being in the presence of loved ones. but I suspect I’m not the only one.
I’ve had songs for the energetic and angsty times leading up to this. for the exasperated times and the brain fog and the times where all my limited energy is tied up in feeling things. that I need to, need to acknowledge, but it’s overwhelming and I live in a haze for weeks as a result of. songs telling of the kind of youth I wish I had, even when I was sold something else. songs for the months spent as a teenager trying to be there for my friends, worrying for them, distracting me from worrying for myself, trying to cling on to positivity and hope amongst it when I had to choose to make a discipline of always seeing that. I’ve had songs for healing and when healing is harder than expected and songs that have the right level of musical complexity to capture the layers of everything that’s happening in my head, making it sound good, telling me it’s gonna be okay.
I don’t know how I could ever say thank you for this. but I do know that I see parts of myself in the people behind these songs, of course I do, and I worry for them as a result and ache for them because it’s hard enough to feel this way when no one knows me or feels the need to control me or mould me into what they think I should be. I’d do anything to keep them all healthy and happy and all of their loved ones too and I don’t think it’s strange as a fan to take that seriously. I hope we can understand the need to treat them gently, and to while not questioning their privacy and the fact that they’re never going to tell us everything they go through, listen to our intuition when we catch something we relate to and treat what they’ve shared with us or hinted at with the dignity we would if someone we love told us something vulnerable. be kind in our expectations and be intentional in the fan culture we create because it does make its way back to them.
and the same goes with all of you. we’re bonding over the same things. I know a lot of this fandom is in the stage where interpersonal relationships are hard. we don’t mean to be grumpy of frustrated but we are. and I’m sending love to all of you. we can get through this together. it’s what they’ve always longed for isn’t it?
#thoughts after how worried I’ve been recently. since june I think#I’d love to start a conversation in this fandom about the connection im newly discovering between burnout and mental illness and fatigue#in a way we can be positive about these things and be there for each other without calling anyone to confirm if we interpret some songs#to represent experiences that may or may not be theirs because it doesn’t matter in the end. we have these songs and if you get it you get#we’ve all been clocked as ‘not feeling very well’ recently anyway so. it doesn’t need to be specific. but we do need to be kind#like hey. artist. I don’t know exactly what you’re going through to have written these songs that mean this to me. but I’m here for you#fill in the blanks. all we’ve got are our stories to share. I hope mine helps us understand and be a little kinder to those who need it#without thinking we can judge who we think needs it. but rather default to kindness and in the case of musicians etc that means patience#it means we learn together. what it means to connect and have boundaries and the boundaries they might like to have#anyway I’ve not said who these songs are by so if you reblog and wanna tag another artist that’s g I’ve got a few by several others as well#but I know this fandom. I know this band and I know exactly why I worry for each band member though I’m not gonna say here. just. take care#5 seconds of summer#5sos#luke hemmings#ashton irwin#calum hood#michael clifford#exact experience of burnout I have talked about is that of someone with adhd and a pda profile and some form of bipolar#which may be a product of pda profile things or not. these aren’t the only diagnoses I’d likely fit but they are the ones that explain the#story and have guided me to understand how to recover and I’m doing that bit by bit. and if you want me to tell you how please ask#but I’m not advertising it cause that’s weird I’d sound like a scammer if I did. even if when I’m hypomanic I think I can heal everyone
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