#and with the cost of living going up too
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#since im aromantic and very unlikely to have a partner#and also all my friends ive far away#my mum assumes ill be living with her my entire life#and idk man.....feels bad#each time she says something to that effect#i find it harder to bring up how i very much do not want that#for further context#a lot of my family members#only moved out when they were#either engaged or married or close to that#my aunt lived with my grandma well into her mid30s bcs she married late#so its not unprecedented#and with the cost of living going up too#idk how i could ever live independently#this shit has been contributing to my life crisis
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people are acting like we’re saying creators shouldn’t be paid for their work; they absolutely should. and watcher already is. they have a patreon, they get sponsors, their videos regularly get millions of views which gives them ad revenue, they sell merch; they are getting paid. feeling indignant and disappointed that they’re asking us to pay for content we were already getting for free isn’t entitlement, it’s expected. they wanted to make bigger produced shows and now their budget can’t sustain it, that’s not on the viewer to make up for
#im not going to feel as sorry for the company as iam for an artist working out of their bedroom#they went too big and now expect us to make up for it#its normal to feel slighted by that#im not paying over a hundred dollars a year for a guy to eat food another to walk around a house and a puppet to tell a story#im just not#their shows are entertaining theres no doubt about that but can you really say its worth that fee when we are in a cost of living crisis#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#watcher#watcher tv#shane madej#ryan bergara#steven lim#hey there demons it’s me ya boy#ghoul boys
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If there's one thing I've seen over and over again in the Dracula Daily + Re: Dracula fandom, it's the desire for an animated adaptation. Not of media-inspired-by, but of Dracula itself. And so, I've made:
youtube
...something that is decidedly not animated.
Yet.
I'm hoping to get Dracula Reanimated (tentative name) in exactly 1 year from now, by the end of DracDaily's 2025 run, perhaps even the beginning of it if I'm really good. But in all honesty, it could take till 2026 given the teeny complication that 1) I've no animation skills whatsoever 2) fulltime job.
So, I hope you'll stay around for the next 2 years at least to see this completed.
In the meanwhile, if you'd like to support a project by actual professionals, try @theholmwoodfoundation . It's a found footage horror fiction podcast by @georgiacooked and @fiotrethewey set in a time long after the events of Dracula, and yet the characters find themselves haunted (literally) by vestiges of the past.
Goodnight, stay safe, and rest well.
#my art#dracula#re: dracula#dracula daily#note to self: dd2024#cant do much else for american followers & mutuals so i can only offer a distraction and—not to flatter myself—a reason to live at least#upcoming movies and game release dates sustained me when i went through a dark period for myself. its passed for me now#and i hope it passes for yall too. the cost of living is probably going to rise for my country too cause of his trading policies.#sorry for uploading so late i wanted to upload this way ealrier but forgot how long videditing takes....#tjis also is not the full 'trailer' but i could only draw so much in 5 days 💀 ill post the full animatic eventually#if youve any name suggestions i genuinely welcome them cause i came up with this in like. 10 seconds. not a lot of thought
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You know I'm realizing one reason you keep seeing mdzs modern AUs where the Jiang parents are alive mainly so they can dramatically fail and betray Wei Wuxian by cutting him off financially--defaulting on his college tuition or formally disowning him etc--isn't just that people want to translate the Burial Mounds II arc into modern terms while keeping Jiang Cheng clean of it.
(Despite the fact that the internal logic of Jiang Cheng's character is largely built around him being a person who would abandon someone he intensely cared about under these specific circumstances.)
It's because it's hard to set up a modern analogue for the way that Jiang Cheng is responsible for Wei Wuxian, as his Sect Leader.
We live in a highly individualistic society. People are trying to write Wei Wuxian Tragically Wronged, and because there's a normative expectation that people in the position of parents will provide you with resources, and certainly won't withdraw them without warning, but no such assumption that people in the position of siblings necessarily owe each other support, making this work in modern setting with Jiang Cheng in his canon role would require a lot of extra work, just to get a less readily resonant result.
But I keep thinking about it. Because something that's getting lost here is, not just the nuances of character and relationship, but like...it's sort of key to the story that cutting Wei Wuxian off was, in fact, Completely Socially Appropriate.
The level on which it was a betrayal is subtle, and deeply cutting. And intensely tied up in the very different opinions each of Jiang Cheng's parents had about what obligations existed in their family wrt Wei Wuxian, and what these meant.
The level on which it was the obvious, normal course of action is blatant. That is to a huge extent why it happens: because Jiang Cheng's instinct to conform is a survival instinct, reinforced by trauma, and Wei Wuxian's choices meant he had no coherently compelling reason not to obey it, and enormous peer pressure to do so.
The fact is that Jiang Cheng was making a reasonable choice, the actual thing 'anyone would do in that situation,' unlike Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao's respective wildly warped ideas about what that is.
Wei Wuxian wasn't betrayed by Jiang Sect like your foster parents cutting you off because you're disobedient. Wei Wuxian was betrayed by Jiang Sect like your brother refusing to drop fifty grand to bail you out of jail.
Of course Wei Wuxian tells him not to. And of course the fact that Jiang Cheng already chose in the moment not to pay a cent because Fuck You Wei Ying still stands there glaring, a precedent that can never be taken back.
And then later he's betrayed by Jiang Cheng like your brother cooperating with a police investigation into a manslaughter you really did commit, that's being handled like domestic terrorism. And then like your brother calling the cops on you. And then like your brother helping the cops find where you're hiding.
I'm personally fascinated by the way Jiang Cheng's lifelong resentment for the way Jiang Fengmian reliably bailed Wei Wuxian out of everything informed those decisions to do the normal thing, the way he's reacting against his dead father as well as against Wei Wuxian and the actual situation.
But even without that daddy issues angle, the fact that the person who made that choice was Jiang Cheng, and that it was simultaneously the reasonable appropriate normal upstanding citizen rational thing to do and so shitty Wei Wuxian would be entitled never to forgive it is sort of. The Point.
Of the scenario, and also to a considerable degree of the entire finely tuned narrative construct that is Jiang Cheng.
#hoc est meum#mdzs#jiang cheng#wei wuxian#meta#like sometimes people commit transgressions#and you have to actually decide what that means to you#what you're willing to let them cost you#whether you agree that that transgression deserves punishment#and even if it does what role you're willing to take in that process#jiang cheng is someone whose sense of right and wrong operates along emotional and pragmatic axes before consulting the moral#which means that without being a *bad* person he's someone who's highly susceptible to pressure#as long as it comes from either a superior or Society At Large#especially if his insecurities get tripped#but like sometimes just for example it's illegal to be gay#or people have less rights because of who their parents were#and those instincts can lead you into bad choices#it's good to be able to set boundaries but jiang cheng is not good at setting them where he personally actually wants them#and when he does they're the boundaries Angry Jiang Cheng wants#and calmed-down jiang cheng just has to live with them#which ofc is something that applies to wwx too in very different ways#the fact that BOTH jiang cheng and lan xichen when the chips are down choose society over their respective halves of wangxian#at one crucial point#and that lan xichen does so in a way that he can live with and not withdraw from the relationship because of#while jiang cheng is almost insane with the need for wei wuxian to deserve everything that happened to him#and how much of that is who they are as people?#and how much is that lan wangji is not dead#and how much is it that lan xichen understands exactly what happened and why#while jiang cheng doesn't and can't so he has to make up his own story to make sense of it#so much going on here
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i've had a vision of aiden and black magic by little mix and now i'm knee deep in a modern magic au where aiden sells cheesy love potions by being hot (it's a scam)
#nart#aiden kane#fence comic#digital art#i banged this out in like two hours bc THE VISION WAS THAT STRONG#anyways so i imagine this au to take place in a world were magic exists but its very chill#i just want aiden to be a hot merchant idk#he lives with harvard ofc who instead works for like a law firm or something actually important to the world#and then they kiss#aiden has a sort of aura magic where he can see what people are feeling mayhaps?#and harvard has close foresight so he can always see if someone is about to get injured or similarly (so hes always worrying/reassuring)#somewhat inspired by sacrificial by pavlovee but too shy to tag them and also its basically not even related#but go read that fic its so good!!#also i think seiji would fit in and he would do very cool storm related magic????#and to ME nicholas has like flickering magic that hes trying to work out what it is#and maybe its connected to his belief in his abilities? stupid comparison but like the rise of the guardians movie#and robert coste is like one of the most important and powerful mages thats now retired or something to that effect#eugene also can make things levitate in my mind#which means he can just lift his siblings in the air if theyre getting into trouble#ok im gonna shut up im going insane#also glass is HARD to draw so forgive me for that thing#fence fanart
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the thing is that I literally love the idea of 3 star fam never wanting to go back to the pizzaplex and not feeling any sense of duty for what goes on there once they're free and just. only doing the mimic trapping and that's it and letting Cassies dad (if they even knew about him) do all the dirty work mimic duty of setting up mxes and they just finished it once he died but like. are they going to TREAT it like that.
would they treat it like 3 star being desperate to live normally and wanting nothing to get away from everything freddys but until they end things for good, as the only people left who can, and a reason that they HAVE to go back with cassie being manipulated by mimic, theyll never be truly free and they have to face their fears/abuser to achieve that, but their absence was purposeful this whole time because of them wanting nothing more than to be involved, or are they just not going to touch on it and their absence will feel random and meaningless and Cassies dad important for no reason without that 3 star characterization and itll be mid
#they could make it genuinely good and if they went this route and actually made it clear that was their intention#id forgive it all. well maybe not the vanessa exclusion in content outside the games and the framing gregory like a villain#but like. itd be so good and satisfying if they did that especially since theyre 100% gonna be the ones to kill mimic#especially with the cassie stuff. its setting it up for FORCE them to go back. and they all have a motivation#cassie is gregorys best friend and would be becoming vanny 2 which vanessa would want to stop at all costs#knowing that its subjecting her to abuse and isolation and just hell#and freddy goes wherever his family goes. i think hed have more of a righteousness than gregory and vanessa and be more willing#to go there to kill mimic for good#because he loves them and hates seeing them living in fear and not truly relaxed#like this wiuld genuinely be peak with how things are currently lined up#itd be so easy. itd be satisfying itd give context to cassies dad existing itd give 3 star the development they deserve#without it being too intricate or intense or fandomey#itd just be a simple but very effective characterization#PLEASE STERL WOOL.#pandas.txt#thoughts#pre hw2#pre security breach 2#temporary tag#3 star fam#theory#analysis
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you people have no fucking idea how good you have it. first of all you have stores that are open 24/7. second of all you have stores that sell slushies like there's just a slushie machine. at the store. and you can fill your own cup with it which btw costs the same as in hungary but is 3 times bigger. third of all those two are the same store
#this is @ anyone who has 7eleven or kmart lr whatever like oh my GODDDD#slushies are my favourite thing on earth I basically live on them all summer but ours are very different to the ones here#like i cant describe it but it's not this#I've had one every day since i got here and by god I'm gonna keep doing that#IT'S SO FUCKING GOOD. N LIKE. THE TEXTURE???#like ours is a super different consistency like it's tiny pieces of crushed ice that are so small it's liquid but it's still ice#but like you can pour it. the slurpees or icees or whatever elsees here are solid and hold shape but somehow still come up the straw#im fr gonna lose my mind without these. the european market cannot comprehend the allure of a giant cold drink#I'll give the americas this one they rly went off with slushies and stuff like that being 1.5 litres#like lowkey my plane took off from budapest and landed in heaven. AND it's only 50-60 pesos that's literally what ot#it* costs back home for 500ml😭😭😭😭#going on way too long about slushies i apologise. i havent been to the usa in 2 yrs and probably wont be back soon but the#food is on like a different level i miss it every day#sooo many additives that are definitely illegal in the eu. well they're not illegal in my heart. cmere princess#barking#cdmxlb
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gnome culture emphasizes playfulness and a good sense of humor partly because gnomes are physically small and vulnerable and tend to settle in wild places with a lot of hazards and if they had to take every completely real threat to their safety seriously while also Taking Them Seriously they'd just be paralyzed by fear
#take it easy but take it#good and healthy to be afraid sometimes but you gotta learn to laugh about it too or you're gonna implode#turning this over in my mind with the half-cooked concept I was thinking about the other day#about a gnomish (philosophy? saying? entire parable?) about how the More you live the closer you are to death#not as a cautionary tale against doing stuff but as a cautionary tale against avoiding danger at any cost#the world is too full of risk for a gnome to live like that! if you're not taking any risks you're not really living!!#you learn riddles and practical jokes and illusions and trickery because you'll need those skills to survive#and you're going to remember them and get good at them and not become obsessed about catastrophizing over them because they're FUN#the world isn't full of Terrible Dangers to Fear the world is full of THRILLING CHALLENGES that YOU can be clever enough to overcome!!#you're going to cheat death again and again so that when she finally catches you you giggle like a child and say 'good game!'#gnome stuff#worldbuilding#felix insp#idri insp#melliwyk insp#<- this applies to mel the least because the Culture is still there for her but she grew up in a very arcane modernized city#like in a gnomish neighborhood of a bigger integrated/ human city#so the survival value of this was less a factor for her#than for my blorbos who had to grow up with the extremely real possibility of getting eaten by wild animals
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Spoilers for xmen 97 ep 5, if you somehow havent seen it dont keep scrolling
Don't cry if you didn't listen to me
I am NOT OKAY
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHY DO ALL MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS DIE FUCK THIS SHIT MAN IM TOO CURSED FOR ANY FANDOM
#gambit xmen#gambit x rogue#x men 97#xmen#xmen gambit#gambit#x men 97 episode 5#get rekt#why do all my favorite characters die#rip gambit#he died with no bitches#atleast magneto did too#sorry rogue#to live but at the cost of no bitches#dont worry they probably won't stay dead for long theyre too popular and make marvel too much money#they gave him a croptop for a reason#the reason was to rip it away from us from gambits cold dead body#my boy did not deserve that#they stabbed him right in the jesus fucking christ#atleast he went down like a badass#almost makes up for the x men movies#........#nah i wouldn't go that far#lol
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Oh, wait, wait, ok, I can tell tumblr my news now.
I was accepted into the JET Program and will be moving to Japan for one year starting in late summer to teach English. : )
I don't know how many other applicants have ever had either of my specific application 'angles'. I think they were both pretty weird, but also very, very me, and I'm pleasantly surprised that they seemed to have worked, going off both by the acceptance and the very positive and warm reactions I got during the interview I had. These were:
Science/scicomm/museum background + implying mutual interest in and love of like insects and sea life could be an avenue of intercultural connection and exchange
India and Japan have always struck me as weirdly similar in ways nobody seems to discuss, especially in both being simultaneously hurtling into modernity and deeply traditional/conservative in many ways and places
So. Is this a silly idea considering most people in this program are fresh college grads, and people my age are expected to maybe be getting more settled rather than hopping continents? Is this a scary idea, considering I'll have to uproot all my shit and go exist in a foreign country whose language I really don't know beyond miniscule smatterings? I mean, hmm, yes on both counts, but I'm very excited. On count one, I'd only get older in the future and demonstrably *don't* already have a settled life and career here to disrupt (lol), and on count two...guys, I'm so so tired of letting fear and inertia make my life decisions.
Time to pack up and store most of my shit and end my lease and. Yeah. Also I haven't actually been to India in five years and will probably try to visit my relatives there in the coming months since idk if i'd had an opportunity for a prolonged visit in the future during the one year (at least) in jp. I'll also be probably selling, trading, or giving away a lot more of my hobby shit (that was sort of an ongoing project already but since I'll be unable to use most of it for a year plus it's another reason to do so), so uh, if you've ever wished I would sell any of my dolls now might be time to commit BJD Hobby Taboo and ask me lol. And, obviously, I'll be studying more Japanese, because mine is incredibly へたく�� at the moment. So much to do. But I'm really excited. And thank you to all of y'all that have been encouraging to me about anything related to this matter <3
#i don't know where they'll put me but i asked for ibaraki prefecture#during my research i became really endeared by the idea of The Prefecture Everyone Thinks is Ugly and Boring lol#seems like a good combo of 'not too far from urban things + cost of living + genuinely there ARE nice natural and cultural things there'#they could put me anywhere though lol#already one of my fandom friends from there wants to meet up ;; im so flattered#im obviously not going there to do doll and fandom bullshit but that stuff will be a nice bonus in off time#i have very little idea on what to expect specifically re japanese attitudes to south asian people and am interested to find out#and maybe be a bunch of kids' first exposure to both americans and south asians and like immigrants as a concept : 3#keeping my expectations tempered though. It Could Suck#but it'll suck in a novel way and truly i thrive on novelty even though often i take the easy and familiar path to try to protect myself#just. aaAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa scary but exciting im so excited
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I am pretty responsible when it comes to money... someone could also use the word "stingy"
However:
Snacks
Little stupid but actually useful gadgets that ALSO look cool/nice
Museums/art related stuff
Make me act... unwisely
#and this is the reason i can NEVER go to Japan kids...#steel rambles#by the way this is the difference between living and surviving#if you want to survive you can spend as little as possible#but you still will find yourself paying a bit too much on things that costed less (once)#if you want to LIVE you will find yourself having to pay even more for things that 100% costed less once and shouldn't be so overpriced now#if you want to add something fun or more of a guilty pleasure well buckle up buckaroo your wallet is going to bleed...#some prices are fucking nuts btw#I'm talking about water bottles#like#dude#no.#hey udk what happened in these tags and what I'm yapping about#but yesterday and tonight my friends and i talked about politics and made some cool hypoteticals and had passionate (but respectful) debates#we finally reached a conclusion whennit was... 1 am i think?#and today i was going to start a rant about swimsuits and feminism after finally going to sea after 3 years...#so uh#this is the feeling I guess
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saw a post about projecting your ethnicity onto a character and started missing vespa ilkay. so so bad
#pov u grow up in a 3rd world country(/planet) where healthcare workers are exported by the thousands like cheap produce to richer countries#it's your ticket out of poverty as long as you can deal with the loneliness the separation from everyone you know the discrimination etc#ive never talked about my hc that vespas mother was one of them sending money every month visiting every couple of years until it just stop#like why return to the swamps when youre doing fine working on a richer planet w much better living conditions#cost of living rises every year. sending home a % of your salary used to be enough to support your husband and daughter and then it isnt#you know how it goes#vespa is also dead set on this path until ranga realizes that hemorrhaging healthcare workers leaves them with little to none of their own#students on scholarships or in community/state universities are bound by return service agreements and are forbidden to leave the country#until theyve rendered a few years of work on ranga to pay back their tuition + as a really shitty solution to the brain drain problem#this is real in my country btw but my professors say a lot of ppl do break their rsa's and fucked off to work in other countries LOL#our state unis can barely afford decent facilities they do nottt have the budget to chase down their own alumni in other countries!#but the mental image is a bit funny#vespa ilkays first crime: tinakasan ang rsa#i do also think it lines up with her having a network of med friends everywhere in the galaxy (heart of it all) you kind of go into pre/med#expecting most of your classmates to leave to work in other countries eventually. mine are aiming for the usa / uae / europe / japan etc#anyway whether vespa breaks her rsa or not she leaves ranga asap decides to switch careers and the rest is history#i also deeply love the fact that she's superstitious i'm very sad it wasn't highlighted more (i've only heard s1-3)#as someone who did grow up in a rural area and went to more albularyos/folk healers than doctors in my childhood. (they never failed me)#lots of folk illnesses (ex. balis; pasma) local medical superstitions (dont eat noodles in hospital; youll have a really toxic shift) etcc#theres also a lot of potential in tying her past as a rangian + med student + assassin to me idk how to word this properly#being raised on cautionary tales of not to touch/disturb anything in the swamps then being given free reign to poke & prod at things in her#lab classes (now with the proper ppe)....she was having so much fun with the curemother prime too lmao#years of walking hanging bridges docks boathouses in ranga etc gave her great balance & stealth#cracking open alien shellfish in the swamps to cutting open bodies for studying then for assassination....#I MISS HER SO MUCH BALIK KN SAKEN 😭😭😭😭😭😭#i get why most people + the canon focuses on her being an assassin bc people find that cooler i guess#but vespa being a swamp girl > 3rd world med student > assassin is so personal To Me. the whole pipeline. eugh.#skl.txt
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i have a star wars fic idea floating around my brain that is just a time travel fic centering around bodhi rook where part of the explanation for a suddenly-force-sensitive-bodhi is "the monster tore parts of me out and maybe that made more space for the force to fill in the gaps"
#fic ideas#star wars#rogue one#bodhi rook#mark this down for fics i'll likely never write#mostly bc the star wars fandom a) intimidates the fuck out of me#and b) i'm not even that big of a star wars fan??#i'm a casual fan at best#i do love a good time travel fic though#vague premise is bodhi waking up in the past and being like ??????? i think i have to warn the jedi and maybe save the galaxy idk#and just being an anxious mess about it the entire time#and maybe running into clone wars era obi-wan or anakin idk#wanting to melt into the ground and give up the entire time but keeping going on sheer momentum at this point#why am i thinking about rogue one again#something about bodhi's character just lives rent free in my brain u know#like doing the right thing and helping and being punished for it by torture AND losing your entire people/city#and gritting your teeth and continuing to do the right thing#what higher cost can you even pay?#you've already lost yourself. you've already lost your home. what are you fighting for?#your people? you already lose them. but here's some new ones and you follow them knowing you're going to lose them too#nothing is left but to try and help a bunch of strangers you have no tie to#to try give their story a happier ending than your own#idk just like. he's a wet cat of a character but there's a steel core to it as well y'know??#just tickles me
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saw a starfish on the beach today & was absolutely ENAMOURED - literally 3 of us were just squatting over this tide pool watching him move
#stream#omg i just remembered i was the last 1 to change / shower & i had just walked back from the cold ass shower thing to rinse off the salt &#punya came over & he was like ‘brother …’ & i was like what ? & he went 😏🫴#& i asked what do u want me to give u ?? ‘a cigarette u motherfucker’ ‘u know what i would love 1 TOO bitch but GUESS who smoked them ALL b#it WASNT ME !!!’ 😭😭😭😭 AKSJAKSKAKSKKSKSKAKSLSKSL#& NOW I DONT EVEN HAVE A VAPE BC OF THE FREAK BRIT THAT JUST WALKED OFF W IT#i’m still not upset abt it i’m more so just bewildered ? just shocked ? like i didn’t even care to try to get it back i was just like ok ?#i’m still shocked by it bc it’s just so#COMICAL ? LIKE ??? 😭😭😭😭 did neither of us speak english like 2 entirely different messages weren’t sent#LIKE ITS NOT A DISPOSABLE THIS IS A RECHARGABLE REFILLABLE VAPE#it was just 20£ & getting 2 disposables are also 20£ from the off license & i used literally like 80 ? 100ml ? in it ? so saved money#regardless but i did buy a pack of pods but 1 of the 3 that i used didn’t end up working & that was the third on it excluding the original#battery & those are 10£/pack so 30£ overall for what would equivalently be like idk probably around 10 of those 5k off license vapes which#would yea be 120quid so including the price of the vials themselves it’s 3-for-10£ used 5#so that’s 50£ bs 120£ even w the cost of a new device say + 30 that’s still only 3/4 of the price of what it would be using dispos which ar#cheaper than cigarettes REGARLESS#even the 30/120 that’s still u know literally a quarter of the cost it’s just a bigger upfront cost but it’s significantly cheaper long ter#STILL SAVING MONEY …. i say as if addiction isn’t inherently a waste of money but u see to that argument i budget it like food bc that’s ho#addiction works it’s just going to continue & ur going to include it in the budget as if it’s a PHYSICAL NECESSITY TO LIVE#to be fair sometimes it is lol like bro i couldn’t stop drinking w/o being in a hospital bc alcohol withdrawls can literally kill u#like my blood pressure was over 180 at 1 point when i was detoxing in hospital 😭😭😭😭😭#SCREAM#anyway#forget that#happy new year 2024.5 😍😍😍#my new year starts now fuck u the first half was just warm up#could i stop smoking if i wanted to ? yes ! will i ? absolutely fucking not !#IM ALLOWED THIS AS A TREAT#THAT I INHALE LIKE OXYGEN: CONSTANTLY
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I keep getting rejected from conventions that I've been doing for multiple years this year and I heard on Friday that I didn't get Scotland Comic Con, which I've relied on for the last two years to be able to pay my fucking rent over the winter when there's no events, and it makes me want to scream because what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?? I'm making new stuff reasonably regularly, I make really good sales when I get into cons, I go out of my way to be reliable and show up on time and do everything they want exhibitors to do, and it's just flat rejection after flat rejection, sometimes without even the courtesy of a spot on a waiting list or a cursory 'sorry, we got a lot of applicants and we've got limited space'.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't think I even am doing anything wrong, I'm just getting repeatedly fucked over by event organisers who just see me as a way of increasing their own ticket sales rather than a human being trying to make a living.
And, like, part of me gets that I've been doing this for a while and folks who are new to it deserve a chance to get a foot in the door, but my ability to be charitable runs out when the biggest convention in the country decides no, we don't have enough room in our fuck-off huge venue for everyone so bye, fuck you, that ~15% of your yearly income that you rely on making at this con is just going up in smoke.
I like doing conventions, I'm good at it and it's fun, but it's getting Really Fucking Stressful to have my ability to eat and pay bills decided increasingly arbitrarily by the same five events companies who don't seem to give the slightest shit about anyone.
And I don't know what to do about it because the reason I'm doing this is because I'm too fucking autistic to get a real job, and I got kicked to the kerb by the benefits lot a few years ago because that system's fucking broken too, and the more effort I put in the less work I seem to actually get and frankly I want to fucking break something
#not having a very good time right now folks#not getting into cons is just a fact of doing this job#but this one has really fucked me over#i don't know why i didn't get it because they don't tell you these things#there's no waiting list no nothing#two years i've done this con. three if you count 2019 as well#it's the biggest one in scotland it's 15 minutes from my flat#i can't afford to get to england so i Need this one to make a living#but fuck me apparently#i am Enormously screwed and i'm still too freaked out to work out what i'm going to do about it#and to cap it all off i had car and computer repairs to deal with this past week#and i don't have another con until the end of august#so i'm going to have to wipe out my pitiful savings just to make rent and bills until then#i could just about have survived if i knew i had that reliable income in october#but now i don't and i have no idea how i'm going to make it through the winter quiet season#AND i'm helping my flatmate out with food costs until her student loans start back up again#which i'm going to have to stop doing because i can't afford it anymore#so this fucks over both of us in the short term#i'm going to find a way to manage but i just. i need to scream for about a week first#personal stuff
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i have a feeling my mom (who has acted extremely upset + sympathetic about me sweating profusely in my shitty 80+ degree room) is going to tell me that they can’t help me replace my 20+ year old ac unit for $250, even tho they are about to pay Thousands of dollars to replace their central ac bc clearly her needs are more important than mine (when one of my worst and most impactful symptoms is heat intolerance, which makes me dehydrated and even more dizzy and fatigued and i’ve been getting dehydration headaches even tho i’m drinking almost a gallon a day)
#like idk if it’s just the ptsd and i’m psyching myself out for nothing but i don’t feel good abt it#to the point of being extremely anxious abt asking her abt it and not knowing how to approach the convo not angrily#it’s just extremely frustrating bc i 100% Know my stepdad has the money to help me. if he says no it’s literally just bc he doesn’t like me#and cares more abt having retirement money than me not being even more ill and suicidal than i already am#Anyway i’ve been feeling like i’m being hunted for sport all day#and regardless i’m ordering it tomorrow bc i Cannot keep living like this and it’s a basic need#it would just be like half of the money i’ve worked to save up down the drain#and even longer until i can move out which i Desperately need to do at this point#idk man it’s just like. if they don’t offer to even help w Half of the cost i will have lost All trust in Her especially#bc 99% of the time she doesn’t give a single shit what that man thinks. she spends his money Constantly#literally in the past month she spent like $300 on a Bush Trimmer and a Chainsaw#she pays $200 monthly for an art studio that she barely uses#but ah yes my immediate safety and health is too much to ask for. totally understandable#just Extremely maddening when she constantly tells me that she’ll do Anything to help me and was like Why didn’t you tell me sooner????#abt my ac not working#like my brother in christ letting me bring a tower fan up to my room is not going to fix the situation 👍#ventnote
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