#and then tumblr finally let me post it <3< /div>
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i love you. it's ruining my life. (MV33)
✰ max verstappen x popstar!ex!reader ✰
summary: you and max have been broken up for four years now, going no contact for the entirety of those years. never bothering to contact eachother but he invites you to one of his races one day after the last show of your tour, who were you to say no?
genre: angst (im sorry)
wc: 3k
a/n: AHHH, THIS WAS WAS A DOOZY!!!!! i loved writing this (i mostly just like hurting myself more than anything). kind of dark themes tho, ooc max bc he vvv loving and would never cheat on his lover. thank you so much for 100 followers btw!!!!!! i wrote this as a 100 follower special :3 thank you so much for my supporting my short journey as a tumblr writer, you guys inspire me to write even more for you guys. can you imagine that's it's been a week of writing and i've already gained 100 followers?? i love you guys so much.
warnings: mentions of existing relationship with kelly, cheating
"thought of calling ya, but you won't pick up. another fortnight lost in america." - taylor swift, 'fortnight'
isn't it ironic that careers can really separate you from what truly made you, you? being a popstar, touring for months on end, surrounding yourself with new people, new opportunities, made it hard for you to reconnect with the people that helped you from day one.
it wasn't like you cut them off, or stopped talking to them. you tried. you really tried, but sometimes life goes on and people forgive and forget. your old life before you started your career was slowly being etched away and replaced with new pieces.
and maybe that was a bad thing.
"on stage in 2 minutes," a voice snapped you out of your trance, you looked up. you looked amazing in your sparkly dress, it was the last leg of your tour and you were touring in europe.
you had been offered to attend a formula one race this weekend after all of your shows had been concluded, you've been thinking about it, but you're not sure you want to go. one of the people from said past was in attendance and you're not sure if you wanted to immerse yourself in that again.
you didn't think about it for long though, you were due for a show and a show was what you're going to give.
it wasn't long until the weekend, friday to be exact and you had accepted the offer of being on the formula one paddock, you knew that a certain ex-boyfriend was going to be there, racing on the track and you were invited personally by him, which was why you were so skeptical to go.
POPSTAR Y/N BREAKS UP WITH F1 DRIVER MAX VERSTAPPEN.
you remembered the headlines, you remembered what you let go of but seeing someone you still loved after your break up almost four years ago stung a little bit.
you couldn't blame him though, you were the one to break things off all those years ago. it wasn't because you had a terrible relationship with him, but it was more because you both didn't have time for eachother and you could see it in his face everytime you came home to monaco after a long show.
"i miss you, when can you finally stay and actually stay awhile?" max's face looked pitiful and you could only look down at your feet, you felt guilty. you wanted this career, he pushed you for this career but sometimes you wished that you could split yourself in two to cater to both his needs and yours.
you look back up at him, locking eyes with his stormy blue eyes, "i don't know maxie, maybe next month? i don't really have a schedule for next month, i can stay in monaco with you for awhile—"
"you said that last month, when are you actually going to be free schatje?"
"max, i can't give you a definite timeline—"
"what's the point of me being in a relationship with you when i can barely see you?"
it hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.
maybe that's when you finally realized that he deserved someone normal, someone who wasn't a famous singer and could actually spend time and be there for him.
but here you were, amidst the paddock with a singular security guard because you didn't think you needed more than one, considering security around the paddock was tight in of itself.
the red bull's garage had been nice to you, offering you anything you possibly could need while being on a grand prix, you had politely declined any type of special treatment though, wanting to feel like a person for once in your life.
you wouldn't say your job is the hardest in the world, never. doing what you loved while meeting all of your fans was going to be the highlight of your day, but sometimes the job came with crazy fans that would invade your privacy for selfish reasons, and it made you a tiny bit stressed.
you remember starting out from the netherlands, starring in small gigs before getting signed to a mega corporation in america, which was when you moved. you slowly lost contact with your friends, but you were sure they were proud of you although you weren't proud that you lost contact with them.
you knew that if you contacted them that it would be awkward, there was just no way they would even remember you, right?
you were walking about aimlessly around the paddock, it was free practice day which meant that after the allotted time of the free practice, drivers were free to roam around the paddock however they wanted. you were scared on what you had to face today.
you told yourself to just keep calm, take whatever you got this weekend and just react like a sane person.
saturday came and went, you attended the paddock to watch the qualifying session, of course, max came out on top. was it even a surprise to you? you knew he was the best of the best, you never expected less of him, even after all these years.
sunday was here and maybe it was the anxiety, but you felt like throwing up when you saw max approach you.
"y/n, it's good to see you."
god, those eye-smiles. you could never get tired of them.
"hi max, congrats on starting out pole for this weekend," you told him as you shook hands with him, he was all smiles.
it felt good to see him happy.
"how has the paddock been treating you?" max asked, gesturing all around him, "have you tried the food? it's really good."
you nod as you let go of his hand, clasping it with your other hand, a nervous habit, "yeah, the food's good. how have you been? i haven't talked to you in awhile," a nervous laugh bubbled up from your throat, you were nervous to see him, maybe it was those damn butterflies in your stomach that you couldn't get rid of when he looked at you with those blue eyes of his.
"i know, you've been quite busy right?" max laughed at you, he felt silly conversing with his ex-girlfriend like this, like they didn't have a past.
you could only nod and smile back at him, shoulders tense, "yeah, touring's been eventful. it's the last leg of the tour so i decided to come, thank you for the invite by the way, i really appreciate—"
"max, who's this?" a voice came from behind you, quite condescending if you did say so yourself, cutting you off, you turned your head around to see his girlfriend and his girlfriend's child coming into view, walking towards max and wrapping max with her arm as a possessive embrace.
max kissed her cheek, and that hurt. you didn't want to know why, but you knew. he spoke up afterwards, "this is y/n, she's a singer. i wanted her to come because she had a show here, thought the timing was quite convenient for her. y/n, this is my girlfriend, kelly piquet. she's a model."
you extended your hand as a form of hello before introducing yourself, "hello, i'm y/n—"
"yeah, i know who you are," kelly cut you off again, you were quite taken aback by the hostility, your hand left hanging but then again, max was talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. you thought you would react the same way, so you didn't take it too much to heart. her face was something you'd describe as an angry, possessive tiger, brows furrowed, frown on full display.
"i didn't mean to take time away from your boyfriend. i was just having a little chat pre-race," you tried to give her a smile while returning your hand back to your side, but kelly was adamant about standing her ground.
little penelope was looking at you like she had stars in her eyes, you smiled at her. as if it was a sign of whether she should speak up, she starting speaking to you directly, "hi, i really love your songs. do you think you can stay in the red bull garage and we can take pictures together?"
you giggle and bend down to her level and pat her head, "hi little p, of course we can take pictures together— that's if your mother lets me," you acknowledged that this little girl was no ordinary little girl and was your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend's child.
"can we all talk in private please?" kelly excused the three of them away before you could even give her a response but you understood her. standing back up before walking off deeper into the paddock.
MAX'S POV
"i don't understand why you would invite her!" kelly was pacing around the motorhome, here we were fifteen minutes before race start and here my girlfriend was still yelling over something that happened two hours ago.
"kelly, i just thought it was a good idea. i wanted to invite her because i know p was such a big fan of hers—"
"she's your ex for god's sake, max!" kelly yelled out yet again, "why would i ever approve of her coming to one of your races? let alone be near to p??" her pacing was more feverish now, like she was scared.
i could only sigh, honestly i wasn't too worried about this problem at the moment. the only thing on my mind was the race and only the race.
"look, can we talk about this when i've finished with my race? i really need to focus and you keeping me locked up in here isn't going to help with it," i stood up from my seat, i didn't want to hear anything else come out of her mouth other than a 'okay' and letting me walk out of here.
"don't you think our relationship is at stake here—?"
"if you don't let me go out into the garage, then we're nothing kelly," i say with finality, i wasn't going to let her ruin a race, "i told you, we will solve and talk about this issue later, but you chose to lock me up in here. there will be nothing to salvage if you don't let me do my job."
kelly wordlessly stepped out of the way of the door and let me go, thankfully just with enough time where i could run down and get into the garage, getting me in racing gear.
thankfully the red bull mechanics and officials were understanding enough to let me rush and get inside of my car, getting into the chasis just at the right moment where we would need to drive out.
it was going to be a fine race for me. i knew it. i had enough confidence in myself to know whether i could win a race, and this was one of them.
"and that's p1 max, great race," gp was in my ear, i was proud of myself for winning, but kelly was gnawing the back of my mind. although, the first face i saw when i got out of the car was y/n's.
it felt like my heart stopped beating, i thought i got rid of those stupid butterflies ages ago, but nothing ever beat seeing her smile after i finished a race. she looked so beautiful, so ethereal but i washed those thoughts out of my head.
i had a girlfriend.
i can't run up and hug her because she's my ex. i have a loving relationship in front of me. what was i thinking?
kelly was nowhere to be found in the celebratory pit, i thought that maybe she was still too angry to face me at the moment. it stung a little bit, but she'll get over it. i'm sure.
the night moves on fast, and somehow i found myself still in the garage fixing a few things with the sim, most of the mechanics and staff were long gone. with kelly nowhere to be found. sometimes i felt bad, for still harboring feelings for an ex that left me four years ago.
my relationship with her felt so different with kelly's...
she was like fresh air you would breathe after exiting a club in the middle of the night, the smoke that clouded the air dissipating almost instantly after that fresh air hit your lungs. somehow, even four years later i still find her in little things i do everyday.
against my better judgement, i picked up my phone and i gave her a call.
"hello?"
i breathed out a sigh of relief when i realized she hadn't changed her phone number yet.
"it's me," were the words that left my lips, "you wanna come celebrate with me tonight?" i was picking on my jeans, i didn't want her to say no. i just wanted to spend a little time with her.
"what about your girlfriend? isn't she going to be even more upset with you—"
"can we not talk about her right now?" i closed my eyes and leaned back against the chair i was sitting on, hearing her voice again after a long time just... it felt right.
"max..."
"don't... just don't. i know what you're gonna say and i know it's wrong but i just... i can't do this today. i just won today and the first face i saw was yours, she didn't bother to show up. you can't tell me how to feel, y/n," i rubbed my temples, "meet me in the lobby of my hotel tonight. i just wanna see you."
"if i say okay, will this be a one-time thing?" y/n asked, i could hear the soft rustles of her moving things around, she was probably already in her hotel, resting from her tour when i had called.
"better yet, just drop the address of where you're staying. i'll come to you."
the first thing max did when he saw you was crash his lips into yours, you wanted to push him away, be the better person and tell him that he has a girlfriend but your arms couldn't do it.
your lips disconnected after awhile, he was breathing heavy, face flushed, hands all over you, "i've missed you."
you hum a response, you could barely get out a response when you feel his lips on yours again, this was wrong. all the alarms in your body were telling you to push him off, to yell at him, to reprimand him for basically cheating on his girlfriend.
but you didn't.
and maybe that made you a bad person, but at the moment you didn't care. you just wanted to feel him once more.
you woke up the next morning, cuddled up against max, both of you bare and indecent. he hadn't left yet, maybe he didn't want to leave.
the reality of last night crashed down onto you as you realized what you've done.
"max?"
"yes, schatje?"
the little nickname he gave you never went away. he used to call you that all the time but the feelings that came with it was no longer endearment but horror.
"you need to get back to your girlfriend, i don't think i can do this," you unwrap yourself from his grasps and sit up, back facing him, tears filling your eyes.
"woah, woah. schatje—"
"please, max. i feel like shit. you have a girlfriend and i just slept with you. last night was a mistake," you breathed out and hugged your knees close to your chest. you felt his hand on your back.
"y/n, what are you saying—" you cut him off before he could say anything else.
"i can't give you what you want max. we can't be together anymore. our story ended four years ago, please don't make this mistake. you're going to regret it," you quickly got up and away from his close proximity and got dressed.
you didn't know how to face him anymore.
"can we please talk about it at least? you can't lie and say that you don't feel the same way i do," max's voice came from behind you, you were pacing around the room, you were stressed. he was sitting there, shirtless with his pants on now.
"i do max! and that's the worst part because i knew you're in a relationship but i still let this happen. i am a horrible person. i love you and it's slowly ruining my life. i should've known better!" you turn around to face him, your face red, tears streaming down your face.
max could only sigh and raked a hand through his hair, "schatje..."
"we can't be together max, you know it. i can never give you what she gives you. she can be with you almost all the time max, you threw that all away for me? for someone who can't give you time of day?!" you sob into your hands.
you felt arms wrapping around you as you sob into his embrace.
MAX VERSTAPPEN BREAKS UP WITH GIRLFRIEND KELLY PIQUET ONLY AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF BEING TOGETHER.
you scroll past that headline as you got ready for your appearance to promote your new album, it came out two days ago and you were to debut the new songs on jimmy kimmel.
the tortured poets department.
you hadn't talked to max ever since that night, ever since he tenderly kissed your forehead and told you it was going to be okay and that he would figure it out. he had been blowing up your phone, asking to meet but you didn't have it in your heart to meet him after destroying his relationship like that.
that was two months ago.
you were due on stage in around an hour and that's where you would sing your heart out, leaving whatever pieces of your old self behind when you slept with max for the final time.
"i love you, it's ruining my life. i touched you for only a fortnight."
hello! thank u for reading this fic hehe, hope u guys enjoyed it. thank you again for 100 followers!!!!
#Spotify#max verstappen x you#max verstappen x yn#max verstappen x reader#max verstappen#max verstappen fic#max verstappen fic recs#max verstappen oneshot#max verstappen imagine#max verstappen fanfic#formula one#formula 1#f1 fic#f1 fanfic#f1 x reader#f1 x you#f1 x y/n#f1 x female reader
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November 2024 Escher Girls Updates & Patreon Thank You!
Hi everybody! It's November, so it's time for a monthly update and to thank all our wonderful Patreon subscribers!
For a quick update about Tumblr, if you've been following the blog you probably noticed that in late September/early October, the Escher Girls Tumblr ran into the infamous "shadowban" bug, which is not actually a shadowban but just a bug that happens to random blogs on Tumblr (more info here). After bugging Tumblr about it a few times, they finally fixed it, which means everything is back to normal and I can send and receive DMs and messages as normal on Tumblr (just in time for the Caption Contest which was handy for giving out prizes to the winners!)
I appreciate everybody who helped me figure it out and especially @haveievermentioned who messaged me to let me know that they weren't getting updates from the EG Tumblr! In the future if you run into any issues with Tumblr or the main site, please don't hesitate to let me know!
Also, if you missed it last month, I've been fixing up the main site and I updated the submission guidelines and also the submission form which now lets you choose a name to submit with and also let me know if it's okay for me to reply to your email address if I need more info about your submission. The new and improved form can be found here: https://eschergirls.com/form/submit-content
And, all new posts on EscherGirls.com now link to the corresponding Tumblr post so site users can easily navigate to the Tumblr cross-post and see what Tumblr users are saying. And when I fix up old posts, I'm now fixing up the Tumblr version as well and adding a cross-post link. It's twice the work but given that many people still view the site on Tumblr, I figure it's worth it to everybody. :3 There are some posts without a Tumblr cross-post link because the Tumblr post has been deleted/hidden because of Tumblr's mercurial algorithmic flagging which can't tell the difference between stuff like a coloured body suit and nudity.
As usual I've spent a lot of time this month working on fixing up old posts, restoring broken images or finding higher res versions of old images, and fixing broken links, etc, also fixing all the formatting of older posts and finding sources.
Here are some of the posts I fixed up this month (for any that want to check them out, the links to the Tumblr versions are included in every post):
This "How To Draw" book depicting women's waists as a ball joint (which explains a lot about why artists think women can just swivel around like rotor blades), and an associated post with that infamous Jennifer Blood cover
The infamous "muscleboobs" how to draw page depicting women's breasts as muscles
Two different Soul Calibur posts: one with Talim in a boobs and butt pose (and a redraw fix of it), and another with Xianghua, Talim and Ivy in various states of rubberization
Black Canary described by my friend as a miracle of modern plumbing
War Goddess giving up War Goddess-ing and instead going into the butt-selling business
The infamous Glory/Avengelyne cover (the first time I posted Liefeld on this blog after the first 800 posts without him to prove a point that it wasn't just him putting out the insectoid women art) and an associated post
And a caption contest with Avengelyne and Ravyn in pretty hilarious poses and also the winners of that contest
And now I want to give a big thank you to Escher Girls' Patreon subscribers for October!
Thank you so so much to:
Anne Adler Cat Mara Chris McKenzie Em Bardon First Time Trek Greg Sepelak Ken Trosaurus Kevin Carson Kim Wincen Kristoffer Illern Holmén Leak Manuel Dalton Mary Kuhner Max Schwarz Michael Mazur Miriam Pody Morgan McEvoy randomisedmongoose Rebecca Breu Ringoko Ryan Gerber Sam Mikes Sean Sea SpecialRandomCast Thomas
And a very very special thank you to JohnnyBob8 for buying me a coffee on Ko-Fi!!!
Thank you so much for helping to keep the site running! The Tumblr technical issues and algorithmic flagging are reasons why Escher Girls has a dedicated self-hosted site, and why I appreciate the support on Patreon and Ko-Fi so much as it helps me pay for hosting, domain costs, and site upgrades and keep the site running.
And thank you to just everybody, all of you interacting with the blog on both Tumblr and on the main site, and who participate in caption contests, and submit things to me, or just generally send me kind words. Thank you all! You make running the site so worth it. :)
Ami
PS: As a reminder, we added a button that links to the Escher Girls Tumblr and to our RSS feed for those who want to follow that way. (For newbies, RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication and is basically a feed you can read using an RSS reader. Simply copy and paste https://eschergirls.com/rss.xml into an RSS reader and it will keep you up to date on Escher Girls!)
Make sure it is eschergirls.com and not eschergirls.tumblr.com, as that is Tumblr, and not the self-hosted site.
If you have any issues with the site or suggestions to improve it, please do not hesitate to contact me and let me know!
If you wish to support Escher Girls, you can subscribe to our Patreon at: https://www.patreon.com/ami_angelwings or donate through Ko-Fi at: https://ko-fi.com/amiangelwings.
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Me the last few months
#sorry i tried to make it a gif but that did not work at all#my art#digital#dndads#normal oak#i downloaded the original gif.#then to put it into ibis paint to add teeny i had to go to some random website that spliced the gif into all its frames#then i downloaded every frame and put them into an animation file. manually#then i had to draw teeny over 30 times#then i downloaded the video but tumblr wouldn't let me post it on mobile or desktop no matter the file type#so i screen recorded the video and the app i used (xrecorder) let me crop it so it wasn't the length of my phone screen#and then tumblr finally let me post it <3#i hope idk this is my first try and if it doesn't work im going to kill a human person#jk but i will be sad and annoyed
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THE WELL AND THE LIGHTHOUSE PMV/ANIMATIC
youtube
very very jean valjean centric because i love him and he deserves the world <3 im not sure if pmv or animatic would apply better to this, but either way, i hope you enjoy it!
#about the events i didnt include in this: i know their significance they were just cut out because i couldnt find a way to apply it#to the lyrics or there were other moments i wanted to include more#ok with that out of the way every tag past this one will be me talking about the process of making this etc etc#basically a yap fest and fandom tags#45+ hours of work wow#never made anything like this before!#im very happy with how it turned out though :3#blood sweat and tears went into this#at points i didnt think id be able to finish this but! its here! i finished it! aah!!!!!#file size was too big to post straight to tumblr had to upload it to youtube first </3#UGH IM SO PROUD OF THIS#i did a lot of vaguely talking about it but ITS HEEREEEE!!!!!! ITS DONE! FINALLY!!!!#not sure what else to say other than wow this took me a long time and it drove me half insane#les miserables#les mis#jean valjean#valjean#inspector javert#javert#fanart#les amis de l'abc#< tagging them as a group because theyre there for one frame so it counts </3 and for some reason half the fandom is on that tag. why.#sorry les amis fans youve been deceived#art#marius pontmercy#cosette fauchelevent#pmv#animatic#dont you dare let this flop. please.#i spent 2 months on this please please please please dont let it flop.
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Now kiss (haha Jk... Unless??? (Toby PLEASE make it "Unless"))
Ello Deltarune fandom. Guess what ship has gotten my brainrot now 2 1/2 years later. :P Because ofc I go from one f/f ship to another and cling onto it. But fr tho I love these sapphics sm. I love them so muuuuuch I'm so glad they are semi-canon just 2 chapters in.
Been wanting to draw something with them since February, but because of art block back then I decided to just let my pen go on its own since I had art block and ended up with a rough of this and hallelujah lol ^^
Seriously Toby please. Take your time ofc no rush. But please I NEED to see them together again.
Also I love Noelle's glow-y nose hc so that's mine now too thanks fandom.
Art: Mine
Do not steal/crop/edit/etc. Do not tag as kin/me ty! Suselle haters DNI :U
#Deltarune#Deltarune Fanart#Noelle deltarune#Susie deltarune#utdr#Suselle#This is my first time drawing them ever#I'm very happy with how I draw Susie but Noelle is a different story. My perfectionism is getting me#Been wanting to draw something with them since February#decided to just let my pen go on its own since I had art block and ended up with a rough of this ^^#It's all about the yearning <3#her tail's wagging :3#Em Doodles#I don't think(?) I'll be posting anything outside of art in the fandom tags#because I've had enough extremely bad experiences with fandoms so just art stuff now. Not taking anymore chances!#ya know. unless Tumblr's weird tag system screws me over :U#Btw The kin/me thing is more of a ''if it's not made for you don't tag it like it is plz ty'' to reiterate#More for personal art than anything. If I make stuff for people that do it? Then yeah go nuts xP#Me: Makes a freckle brush just for coloring Susie and can finally really use it.#Textures and lighting: Imma make it impossible to see#couldn't use my paper layer textures thanks to that rip I might do them manually next time#there's a reason I put the ''Suselle haters DNI'' thing from what I saw someone try to do a super wrong rant in the fcking tag but#IMMA KEEP THAT RAMBLING OUT OF THE TAGS TOO because like I said I'm not throwing that sort of aggression anywhere outside my own blog now
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New self insert for me but it’s cooler
#my art#artists on tumblr#illustration#me#sandpiper#fursona#yes I finally posted something here#sorry about that</3 most of the stuff I’ve been making Isnt. tumblr safe let’s say#tw death threat
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stop having ship wars start having gay sex i'm bored of this
#go outside!!! touch some grass!!! if u cant do that might i suggest the doctor who audio drama 'scherzo' by robert shearman#that'll at least give you something to cry about that isnt batshit annoying#also i love finally checking tumblr properly from the hostel and finding out this bullshit is STILL happening#recycling points from 2012!!!! so fun!!!! let's keep having the same fights forever this is a time loop now#abbey.txt#(if annoyone annoys me on this post i will block them with extreme prejudice <3)#anyone* i'm fine i can spell i am just drunk
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"I promised, remember? I promised I'd protect you." - Jang Yeo-hee
Tale of the Nine Tailed 1938 | Tale of the Nine Tailed Season 2, Episodes 7 & 8 | Favorite scenes | Peak Lee Rang x Jang Yeo-hee moments 🦊🧡🧜��️
This song is probably my favorite from the season 🧡*my heart*
I'm honestly living on the breadcrumbs from these two in every single episode. The scene where Yeo-hee barges in and uses her powers gives me chills each time without fail, no matter how many times I've seen it so far, same for her singing. I adore her as a character and their dynamic with Rang. And can I just say...she looks stunning in every outfit, but that gold dress was on another level.
#my favorite mermaid <3#listen... i know this is probably going to end up in heartbreak#but nothing shall stop me from shipping these two <3#i love them your honor#let them be happy; writers; let us have this one thing after s1...#tale of the nine tailed 1938#this post took ages from editing the gifs themselves to tumblr finally allowing all of them to upload... but here we are finally!!#tale of the nine tailed#lee rang#jang yeo hee#kim bum#kdramagif#woo hyun jin#kdramas#kdrama moments#currently watching#kdramadaily#favorite kdramas#tv show gifs#tv shows#favorite scenes#favorite actors#favorite shows#korean dramas#korean drama#kdrama#kdramaedit#tvn drama#show recommendations#tv show recommendations
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I’m not dead in promise
FREE HIM NOW!!!!!!
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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a cool girl who's gonna laugh at u or an evil ai girl who's gonna laugh at u. choose wisely Reese
#borderlands#tftbl#sasha the kid sister#sasha tftbl#fem!handsome jack#handsome jackie#jackie has a final stage of dreamworks face disease and i love her for that#quality still suck!!!! bc tumblr won't let me post vids in at least 720p!!!!!!!!! sorry!!!!!!!!!#my art :3
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Happy 911 day to all!
(And if your day isn't happy, it is now *Tucks you into bed and gives you a loving kiss on the cheek/other form of affection/whatever you are comfortable with*)
#nine eleven#idk anymore#don't take this too seriously#random#text post#wholesome#have a good day#have a good night#ive been bingeing gooseworx's tumblr#can you tell#all because of a song my sibling sent me 3 days ago that i am finally listening to#its a dang earworm let me tell ya#you know who you are#you know who you is#filler post#feel better#affection
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I wanted to redraw one of Miles' sketches in my style
#FINALLY#i wanted to post this 3 days ago but somehow tumblr didn't let me#spiderman#spiderverse#spiderman across the spiderverse#atsv#gwen stacy#atsv gwen#sketch
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he is beauty, he is grace
#gerrit heinemann#gared dirge#lord of the lost#lotl#video credits go out to 'the cutest backliner' maik (chris‘s words not mine)#thank you maik. what would we have ever done without this view.#(have posted and deleted this like four times now because tumblr just won't let it show up anywhere)#(not in the tags but not even on my own feed)#(don't care anymore i'll leave it now. if anyone ever finds this by accident: hope you have fun with it :D)#(oh nice so now it finally DOES show up and now i am responsible for 3 borat!gerrit posts in a row)#(will this be the hill i‘ll die on? has borrit finally defeated me?)
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RULES: Put your music on shuffle and list the first 10 songs that come up, then tag ten other people!
Tagged by @birdbrainrot :)
hey there!! i finally had access to my puter, so here we are >u≤)
Love Songs Drugs Songs — X Ambassadors
Geografía — La Oreja de Van Gogh
If You Ever Wanna Be In Love — James Bay
May I Have This Dance — Francis and the Lights
Over — Johnnyswim
Can't Feel My Face — The Weeknd
Last Night On Earth — Delta Goodrem
Lonely Eyes — The Front Bottoms
AIR — Taylr Renee, Hellberg, Teqq
Goosebumps — Bastille, Kenny Beats
tagging @hlyphfun @xi-off n @farceargon if y'all wanna play! and uuuh ik it says ten but i am drawing a blank, anyway, if u see this and want a go at it feel free I'm tagging u
#tag game#i haven't had the chance to listen to the ones u put on the post u tagged me in tumblr user birdbrainrot but#i am very interested!! knowing new music is always#very fun!! ty for the tag<3#also hi Wish i finally was able to tag ur sideblog it wouldn't let me the last time adsasdas#also i didn't know if i should make a new post or not but i did n u can just add to this one if u wanna play
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entering my mostly sober era fr this shit kindve rocks ngl
#🍒#i like to drink its fun but i drink too much and w out purpose. same goes for weed#i think if i didnt indulge in one or the other or both every night and only like once or twice a week. id be a lot happier :3#alcoholism OVER pot head era OVER#cant do the things i love to do most when im drunk or high all the time and it finally seems like right place right time for me to realize#i can stay up and read tonight…. ive been pretty much only reading at work bc its the one time i cant be drunk or high all thru out#ok. like my world just got a little bit bigger#i need you guys to realize how big this is for me ive drank like every night for the past year#also not Indulging every night will make the times i do more enjoyable#this is like. basic common sense but its like a revelation ive been working up to like i was a teenage alcoholic and an adult achie haulic#alchie hydraulic… that was gona be my joke. dammit…#anyways it feels really good to not be high or drunk rn usually i loathe it and hate it but rn. it feels like sunshine :3#uhm. this might be cringe but idc ! been obsessed w drugs and booze my whole damn life ! am finally realizing! having a moment here !#okay no more tumblr diary posts im gona. get some ice cream even tho its not my day off (when. i usually let myself have some) and im gona#read and have fun and eventually fall asleep very peacefully :3 good night tumblr
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