#and sometimes I'm all they are soulmates and its very complicated

[lover-of-mine]

Know what icks me out Grey's anatomy wise?

There's a line in private practice for Addison says that she's known Amelia said she was 12 and we know Addison and Derek didn't meet until med school and we also know that there's 12 years between merder. That means there's about a 10-year age gap which puts only 2 years older than Meredith. The part that icks me out is the fact that Derek was chasing after Meredith so hard in the early seasons because she's essentially the same age as his kid sister.

The age thing with grey's anatomy is complicated because Meredith is supposed to be older than the rest of her intern class, so she's closer to the 30 than 25 in season one so, like, a 30 yo woman with 40 yo man is not that problematic. Also I'm pretty sure Amelia is supposed to be 5 years older than Meredith in canon (there's the way Amelia is a full-blown neurosurgeon before Meredith is even a general surgeon so she has a head start), so this will make it worse for you but he went after a woman 5 years younger than his baby sister. My thing with merder, even though they have their moments for me, is the way that he's her direct supervisor and he still just gets away with emotionally yoyoing her for a good part of what? 4 seasons? I think if we're gonna go age we need to talk Mark and Lexi and the way Lexi is 24 and Mark is in his 40s since he's the same age as Derek. Honestly, the age thing is not the problem with merder in my opinion, it's the way Derek never stopped thinking he was above Meredith, the way he was too arrogant to let her be all she could be. I think the power imbalance in the relationship makes the age gap worse when you stop to think about it, even Meredith calls him out on it at some point before he dies. But since the actors are really close in age and the way that in 2005 media didn't give a shit, the show ends up putting them as an epic love in a way that if you don't stop to think about it you will actually believe it.

[ave-on-main]

Hello, how are you doing? I hope that things have been well for you. I'm also very excited for the Brudick week coming out eventually, looking forward to it and thank you so much for modderating this event and having it every year! Very thankful and grateful for the work that everyone does for this!

I also had a bit of a wondering after reading some meta posts about Brudick and their relationship alongside their historical legacy. Particularly on what someone, who was quite neutral about the ship and was just talking simply about their canon history, said how earlier like around their conception to like the 1950s one could consider their relationship to be less definied. That their relationship after that, however, is much more evidently defined as parental and only parental. That they are a father and son duo at this point, but even without the shipping goggles on, I find that a bit hard to agree with. Yes, we can look more into the text and especially the subtext of their interactions, but defining them solely as only a parental one is one that I don't think is accurate. Like I do not deny that DC is pushing their relationship much more as strictly defined as father and son, and I'm not here to deny that it is a part of their dynamics with one another. I do think that there are many labels that they have for one another and all of them are true at once such as being mentor/protégé, father/son, partners, guardian/ward, older brother/younger brother, lovers, soulmates, etc.

What I don't think is that canon is only strictly father and son even later on after the 1980s. They are much more complicated and yes, they do have comic panels where one or the other thinks in regards to one another that of a father or son, but even then, there was this particular detail that makes me certain that they are not only supposed to be considered that way. Like there was a certain story back then that did talk about the reason for why Bruce never chose to adopt Dick and they did discuss it, but its interesting how it took until 2001 for a writer, who does ship them and is queer, to even have Bruce give an adoption paper to Dick to sign as a formality, but one that could be taken in another context to finally have Dick be officially adopted within canon. For a relationship that is supposed to always be only parental, why did it take them this long to have Dick be officially adopted.

Of course, this could just be for story reasons, maybe building tension or they just didn't thought about it though that's hard to believe since they didn't hesitate to take note of that with both Bruce and Dick discussing it within canon. Maybe it's even the matter of simply following their characteristics and thinking that Bruce would not actually go for it until years down the line, but even then, the writers could have just made it happen sooner if they wanted to. So, why only then? Why did it take this long for this to happen if they are only to be looked at as only father and son? How much longer would it have taken for them to try to canonize it if Devin Grayson didn't do it when she did?

A lot of these thoughts and questions pop into my head since reading those posts made by someone. I just couldn't agree with the thought that they are only meant to be a father and son duo only, and that was the only depiction that canon supported. This is not even a matter of the potential to see them in a romantic light, I just find it hard to believe that their relationship was purely just father and son despite their sometimes inner monologues about one another for the most part, it was also seemingly more complicated than just what they said or thought from what I can tell. It just feels like a disservice to their relationship to only define them as that alone even for the comics of back then when they started to define them more. To me, it seemed like they attached the father and son label as a way of defining their relationship in an easy way rather than it being the only way that their relationship actually is.

And can I just say with or without shipping goggles, it is really fascinating how their relationship is depicted in canon. I will also admit that this look into some moments that are shown could just be more so my own biases as a Brudick shipper, but there truly have been a lot of undeniable subtext for a romantic reading of them like there are characters who comment or make an observation about how the best partner for Dick is someone like Batman or his partners get compared to Batman. There's even that one famous comic panel with Bruce going through the memories of his love life with the roses around each panel and with Dick being in one of them with roses too. Specifically red roses which usually are intended for romantic partners though that isn't to say they can't be platonic either, they can, but its an interesting choice is all. Or how a lot of the people in Dick's considered harem of morally-ambiguous men, they often are like an expy of Batman such as Slade, Owlman, and Midnighter. This is just barely touching the surface of a lot of implications that are put out there in regards to their relationship and what it could possibly mean.

All that is to say is that to read them only as father and son just does not seem right, but I do admit that I haven't read a lot of comics quite yet. I absolutely do plan to, so my knowledge is quite limited as of now. But what's your take on it? As someone who has I'm sure read a lot of comics and know way more about canon than I do, would you say that their relationship is far complicated than just being parental? I also would like to apologize for this very long ask and this very long explanation of my thoughts. I hope that they're not too confusing, and that I'm not bothering you with all of this. And that I look forward to more of your writing! You're really amazing!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, anon! I'm glad you're enjoying my writing! And I'm looking forward to your participation in BruDick Week 😊

That Dick and Bruce can be identified through different relationships is definitely nothing new nor something that only took place in the 40s. If they had strictly been father and son since the 50s, Dick wouldn't have wanted to adopt Jason in pre-crisis 80s. Bruce would have done it and labeled them brothers.

What might be happening here is conflating that the 50s, more specifically 1954, brought us Wertham's Seduction of the Innocent and the Comics Code Authority, but that didn't actually change too much. Batman 66, while not a comic, still happened, and Bruce and Dick did not suddenly start refering to each other as father and son or interact on that basis alone. I'd say Wertham actually pushed them more into the role of contemporaries because Dick already had adventures without Batman in the late 40s, which then got expanded upon in the 60s with the Teen Titans.

It would be interesting to do research on this but just based on feeling, their most common relationships descriptors by narration and themselves are probably:

Partners

Best Friends

Brothers

We do have J.L. Bell who says in her article "Success in Stasis: Dick Grayson's thirty years as a Boy Wonder" for Dick Grayson, Boy Wonder: Scholars and Creators on 75 Years of Robin, Nightwing and Batman that during Dick's Robin days Bruce and Dick interact like "devoted pals" while the father-son dynamic that sometimes appears "disrupts their normal relationship".

Their famous moniker Dynamic Duo is also quite ambigious. Batman and Robin popularized the usage of it to describe great synergy between athlets or simply between two people who work well together. People saw them as excellent partners more than ascribing a family dynamic to them. (Fun fact: The first known mention of Dynamic Duo were Teddy Roosevelt (yes, that TR) and Chase Osborn in 1910.)

What is also interesting to note here is that early comic book writers often didn't really know their character's backstories (which is how we get such stories as Superman thinking humanoid aliens on Earth are impossible), so any definitive father-son take on their relationship would have at the earliest occured during the Bronze Age when comics grew more serious. What's interesting here is that Dick didn't belong to Batman editorial during that entire era. The NTT editorial got him around the 80s and Dick wouldn't return to Batman editorial until around 1994, which is coincidentally the first time I remember them being specifically described as father and son.

Examples

Tim Seeley describes Dick in Nightwing vs Hush (2918) as "Bruce’s ward. His true confidant" and "his best friend."

Word of God-y but Grant Morrisson characterizes Bruce as thinking Dick's "my best friend and my brother and everything I wish I could be" in an interview with Fat Man, and this is reflected in Batman and Robin (2009) #7 when Dick refers to Bruce as such:

Batman: Prodigal in 1994/1995, with Dick freshly back in the Batman corner, sets the stage for father and son. Which probably explains why Devin Grayson was the one who made Bruce adopt Dick. She was interested in a deeper relationship between Bruce and Dick, while Chuck Dixon saw them more as rivals.

The Brave and the Bold #182 was released in the 80s, and here we learn that Earth-2 Robin and Earth-1 Batman regard each other as friends and partners while Earth-1 Robin is the Junior Partner. If the narrative would already see them as father-son, the conversation would have been different.

We have Bruce refering to Dick as son in the 70s but more in terms of slang. Older men would call younger men "son" more frequently and some still do today. Bruce is Dick's guardian but in a cover role.

As Dick leaves for Hudson University in the 70s Dick and Bruce are friends and brothers even as Bruce is a clear guardian figure (Batman #217):

Dick is introduced to new readers in Batman #1 as Bruce's young aid.

I hope this is a good assortment of examples and explanations, anon! I went a bit more into the narrative and editorial side, but it's always interesting to look at that too with comices.

What Anon Mentioned

Batman #600's Roses

Gotham Knights #17, the adoption! The topic actually came up before in Tales of the New Teen Titans #50 and I could imagine Devin Grayson knew that given her interest in the Titans. Another aspect that sets her apart from Chuck Dixon.

And for Midnighter, we know he was included in Grayson because he is edgy-(er) Batman.

I think at times there are attempts to make the strict father-son dynamic happen. Either to make them less "problematic" or, by now, to adhere to the fanon idea of a good family, but then writers who enjoy the complex relationship Dick and Bruce have go all in!

No matter how one defines their relationship, the core of Bruce and Dick is that they have unwavering trust in each other and have been saving each other since they met.

[lxmelle]

The subconscious, the soul, and the body...

It’s an understatement to say that the links and concepts between these are complicated / complex within the jjk world.

I’m just going to write about what I understand so far, and if anyone else has theories or a deeper understanding of it, please drop me a comment or reblog with your own thoughts. I’m open to discourse!

The rest is just largely focused on Gojo and Geto - exploring how their subconscious, soul and body may have been affected by their relationship.

What was meant to be short has gone into theorising territory as I attempt to make sense of things. I am Satosugu / SuguSato indulgent.

(Ps: I don’t discriminate over who tops/bottoms or if they even do it at all. Soulmates don’t necessarily need to copulate as far as I'm concerned).

Be warned and afraid.

It’s a real whopper of an essay by the way. If that’s not your thing, please just skim or pass - or stay for the parts you want to read and do it in multiple sittings if it gets too much.

Can you imagine what it’s like living in my brain? Ha! It’s too much for me too, hence, the info dump.

Sharing here, as I think some people enjoy reading about them too.

NOT spoiler-free. More under the cut (o^^o)

In my brainrot, the cogs start turning and sometimes 2 becomes what looks like 4 and I just have to get it out - you know the drill. Word vomit. If you’ve clicked, welcome and I hope you enjoy your stay with my obsessive brainrot, tangents, love for Gojo and Geto.

A bit on the Soul, the Body, Sub/Consciousness, and Cursed Techniques - skip this part if it’s boring:

So, based on what we have been told, Mahito believes he can see the soul, and that the body & soul are separate. For humans, souls can linger after death but upon rebirth, curses and humans alike will not know one another nor will they retain memories.

“Lingering after death” might be relevant to “north and south” too, but we don’t know with certainty what the afterlife in jjk looks like. North seems to mean rebirth - to become “someone new” - that is assuming Mei Mei is right.

Being sealed in an object (like Sukuna) is different to being in another body (Kenjaku and Tengen), and being in a binding vow/curse also changes depending on the nature of the contract, and being reborn is largely different to the rest because it seems to denote that the soul resets its memories at the very least.

Worth noting that I’m not clear on whether the spirit is different to the soul as well. They could be synonymous to some degree, but I think a spirit has the essence of a soul (indicating consciousness), and I define something with a soul to be at least a creature (with a physical body) or entity (metaphorical form).

In Toji’s resurrection case, his body is so strong from Heavenly Restriction, that it overpowers the soul of the host - Toji thus kills granny. His soul information wasn’t brought back, but some information must’ve been carved into it for it to retain… something. This something included parts where his body recognised Megumi as someone significant enough and attacked itself. (One has to ask if this is a parallel with Geto in no less than fewer than 10 chapters earlier, where his hand moved - more on this later.) Based on this, the body is separate to the soul but information can be written into it. And like the soul, a body can also be brought back through cursed technique.

OR, another interpretation is like as Kenjaku hypothesised - the body and soul are one. And if granny’s cursed technique is just summoning information, and when the soul and body are very linked like in Toji’s case, they both manifest - as in the body is so strong it pulls his soul along with it. I’m speculating. It could equally be soul information carved into the body (I’m leaning more to this interpretation).

Where curse techniques are concerned… For Yaga, he can extract the soul from the body - insinuating they are also not one and the same. And it’s not just information because the soul exists within what becomes a special grade cursed object. Multiple souls in panda’s case.

And cursed techniques themselves seem to be bound to the body for some - as in Geto’s case where Kenjaku can utilise his as well as his own techniques (along with those of his previous vessels)... however, with Sukuna and his vessels? Soul. Yuta with his copy technique - these are existing without the body or soul as this is his curse technique I guess. Reincarnated sorcerers bring their skills along with their souls too. And domains are supposedly tied to the soul. Geto was not shown to have one (but jjk 0 was created at a time where domains never existed) and if he did, Kenjaku did not have access to to it, unless the theory that the Womb Profusion is real.

Yuji could meet with Megumi's soul buried deep in his own body shared with Sukuna, that was now sunken in due to the bath of evil and killing of his sister. He also has the ability to shake a person's soul through his punches. So the soul seems to be something that can reside within a vessel and be touched through powers / ability.

Gojo was shown to be able to “see” something akin to Megumi’s soul, but this wasn’t depicted for when he saw pseudoGeto, despite the light novel saying he was constantly “staring at the shape of his soul” as he flew off on his pelican spirit. His physicality (six eyes) all but confirmed it was Geto. It was his soul that said otherwise - and it was enough to refute his six eyes. And Kenjaku believes the body & soul are one and the same, thus, confirming Gojo’s six eyes.

Or maybe Gojo can’t quite see souls? We haven’t been explicitly told. Did he see souls everywhere in that case? A part of me suspects Gege retconned this “seeing of the soul” for his fight with Sukuna, but I might be wrong. We saw the same blurry image as a representation of the soul with his six eyes, but this theory doesn’t hold up when we consider how he met with Geto at the airport.

The afterlife scene in ch236 shows their souls / consciousness somewhere at an airport (it is not known if they are merely greeting Gojo or have been there awaiting his arrival). This shows us also that they are separate. The soul has gone somewhere: Cursed realm or an Afterlife are the possibilities presented to us... because they haven’t reincarnated. Going nowhere doesn’t seem likely in the jjk world as they talk incessantly about souls and how they can be resurrected in one form or another.

For the sorcerer Geto fought with his Shiba doggy in HI - it was a fantasy of sorts - and is similar to the space between “curse and reality” that Kenjaku talked about with Sasaki. So it could be a cursed realm. And then Gojo smirking when Sukuna was giving his after-battle “send off”… did that indicate the body and soul could be one & the same? Is the afterlife a fantasy? It was a death dream? (Ah, idk how I feel about this, but again, the jjk world believes in souls).

It is so confusing. I know Gege likes the whole “there is no ultimate truth” but making this topic “up to individual interpretation” is really mind-boggling.

But Mahito and Kenjaku end up agreeing that they must be different based on technique. Maybe this is Gege’s retcon lol. Like how he created limitless and then got some people with the knowledge of physics to explain it retroactively?

I guess the manga readers needed a bit more real-world explanation once it got traction, which is understandable. But equally, some things may just need to exist as they are in fiction and unexplainable based on earthly morals or boundaries by the laws of physics and biology as we understand it.

It is possible that it’s just all dependent on curse technique, which makes Yuta’s copy possible without the body, the creation of Sukuna fingers allowing the transcendence of skills and soul without the body, Kenjaku to access soul-information (like memories) without the brain (as well as utilise the cursed technique), and for exceptions to occur, like Megumi and Yuji both accommodating the soul of another entity in their body. How some entities (sorcerer and cursed spirit alike) can touch souls - or even for cursed spirits to take on more human-like existences - implying they, too, can evolve and become a soul. Like humans evolving to become sorcerers (if they can).

And with a technique like cursed spirit manipulation, once a human’s soul is unable to exist in its physical body, the person will die unless they are like tengen with a curse technique that allows its soul to be removed - as as its form weakens… what happens to the soul if a creature / entity / being becomes more spirit than a human, where someone like Geto / pseudoGeto / Kenjaku can absorb it? I suspect they are exorcised, and they live as Pokémon-like shikigami spirits that have no soul?

We know those like Naoya can become cursed spirits, and Rika’s soul can ascend into somewhere leaving a shikigami spirit behind, so this tells us there are various levels of existence and consciousness - like a hierarchy of sorts with the soul being the most pure / transcendent. It makes sense based on my Buddhist understanding too, but who knows what exists in the jjk world. I’m just trying to make sense of it all...

And of course as I write this, ch.257 just dropped and Kenjaku bloody managed to create Yuji in a completely different era after somehow accurately discovering the reincarnated soul of Sukuna’s twin that was absorbed by him in the womb?!? 🤯 Gets pregnant as Kaori and manages to birth Yuji who could have been by luck or by design, inherited his father’s old soul’s Cursed Technique? So since Cursed Technique can manifest despite completely different DNA, it’s possible for one to assume that the Cursed Technique may be bound to the soul rather than the body… or at least for Kenjaku’s technique, he can create it within the body. or the soul?

What. The. Actual. Heck. And what happened to papa Yuji?

My brain starts to go bananas.

So souls can be split into twins if the egg splits into two (Maki & Mai and Sukuna & his twin (reincarnated into papa Yuji), and can reincarnate. But are considered one. But one can reincarnate separately. 🤯

And on reincarnation: Was the previous six eyes & limitless user Gojo before reincarnation, and does that mean that there won’t be another six eyes + limitless user since Gojo chose to go South? Especially since only one can exist in the world at any given time. Did Mai's spirit join up with Maki, or did she reincarnate?

It would make sense if the series is leading us to a conclusion whereby there is a new world where sorcerers don't exist anymore and all these OP beings like Sukuna, Kenjaku, and skills like the six eyes and limitless, cursed spirit manipulation, cursed speech, or copy aren't being reincarnated in the jjk world as it is now - by choice of the users. If Gojo and others all decide to stay in wherever they wish in the afterlife (pockets of reality wherever they may be), then the human world and the sorcerer world and the cursed spirit world will all exist separately.

But I honestly don't know if that's a good ending. It wouldn't make for very good storytelling? And all it would take was for a soul to get bored and wish to be reincarnated. So too many loopholes.

I mean, I could go deeper into speculating, but I really just wanna focus on the impact on Gojo and Geto for now...

More within the Satosugu / Sugusato context. Read here for it, or skip if it’s boring:

It seems romantic for those who have enjoyed the meme... “would we know each other in another life?”

Especially if these two were made to be counterparts. Anyway, moving on to what we see in the jjk world.

Those who like this pairing probably know these scenes:

Take it how you will. It’s rather evocative and indicative of a strong bond. If you’ve read some of my other analyses, you’ll know I feel that in the jjk world: To love is to recognise / know the other, even if they presented themselves differently. To love is to long for them, and to yield - something - whether it is a power or a sacrifice, for another.

Love shapes and forms a reason. Meaning. Purpose. It does something to the subconscious. It affects and alters a person and their soul. And even without the subconscious or the soul, one’s body can react.

Some of this will be my personal interpretation but it remains canon that Gojo’s soul recognised it wasn’t Geto with Kenjaku inhabiting him. Gojo didn’t want to kill Geto but he did in the end partly because Geto wanted him to. Maybe a part of him always wanted Gojo to, which is why it/he was a curse only Gojo could bear - the responsibility to kill him was always Gojo’s.

Gojo always had Geto in the palm of his hand. Neither acted to tip the strange unspoken balance they had where no lines were crossed until Geto declared war. Geto didn’t want to pull Gojo into his broken-down world in an attempt to attack the roots of the problems in the curse-filled world. Gojo attempted to reform the jujutsu world for a long time whilst holding it up within the institution as he knew it, hoping to make room for Geto should he wish to be saved. Yeah we know he really didn’t want saving in that way... he was too busy trying to save the ones he deemed worthy by eradicating the sinners, evolve those with potential and annihilate the weak. If he was weak he deserved to be killed.

Both longed for the other but could never quite be honest with one another. I headcanon that the words, “if I could be you” were thought about more than once by each of them. That’s why Geto said it and tried to be strong, and Gojo wanted to reform the world through eduction. They swapped fortes because they lost the other on the paths they walked on. They needed each other but fate had a different plan.

They didn’t know how to bridge the gap that had formed between them until many years later. Ultimately, despite their differences, they shared the same ideals and were designed to be counterparts. There was always a space for the other in their hearts.

In those two scenes, I wondered for a while: what was Gege’s point of depicting Gojo switching back to “ore” (in reference to himself - a nuance that cannot be translated into English from its original context within the Japanese culture) for two brief moments. What does it imply about their connection? How do we understand the levels of their “counterpart-ness”? Soulmatism. Romanticism. Whatever you want to call it.

And even pseudoGeto’s body reacting to Gojo’s voice calling out to Suguru. Nothing much ever came from it, and the conversation Mahito and Kenjaku had about the soul hasn’t been expanded on since (to my knowledge). So what was Gege getting at? What are we meant to understand? Back then, it maybe served as an unresolved issue - that Geto may need to have been rescued if his soul was trapped. But now that we saw him at the airport... we can all collectively breathe a sigh of relief - unless it was just a death dream. Then we can collectively cry.

So let’s go back to their connection. We know that Gojo and Geto were practically bonded and changed by being each others’ “one and only”. However you interpret their love is up to you, but it is undeniable that there is something unique and irreplaceable shared between them.

It was Mimiko and Nanako who recollected that Gojo was Geto’s One and Only 「たった一人の親友」.

This is undeniably canon. Geto mustn’t have mentioned him only once, or at least they learned through observation, that Gojo was important to him despite having his cult family. It’s possible that Geto might not have seen the other cult leaders much, if they were operating from different places. So this precious space was never filled after they “argued”. Geto was probably lonely / alone too after becoming PapaGeto.

And as a parent: you love your kids but they aren’t replacements for your life partner / soulmate. The same can be said for Gojo and his students. Even after death, there is a placeholder for that person. Even between partners, some people are more significant than others.

I wanted to note that this happened after the Toji incident:

Geto is actually holding an eraser, and Shoko, the pencil. It appears switched in the anime. So maybe it is not as important as it could be: by that, I mean, if Geto chose an eraser because he doesn’t like the idea of harming Gojo. So this is my headcannon.

But I theorise that it’s possible. Geto doesn’t like harm to come to those he loves - like arguing. With his cult family, this was one of the philosophies they continued after his death. Geto interpreting the kfc breakup as an “argument” also speaks volumes, imho.

The eraser goes further than the pencil, probably because it is considered less dangerous than a pencil, which Gojo elaborates in the next panels.

We also know that Gojo knows Geto - the ins and outs. He knows what he smells like (residuals, scent or whatever you want to call it) and can predict what he might do based on how well he knows him. This is reciprocal as Geto, too, knows how Gojo thinks. Kenjaku of course exploits this.

It’s not too much of a stretch to think that Gojo has a tendency to let his guard down around Geto. Hence his switching to “ore” 「俺」 and his mask “of proper decorum and speaking politely” slips when he sees pseudoGeto (whom he thinks is Geto momentarily) and also Geto at the airport. He reverts to “boku” after that. (If you’re not already aware, Gojo used “ore” throughout the Hidden Inventory arc but changed to “boku” after Geto left - likely as a result of maturing and adopting his friend’s advice to be more polite.)

For context:

Gege himself says he sometimes switches to usage of “ore” when he is excited - taken from the hared interview with Tite Kubo in the jjk character book.

So it’s really not imagining things when we see Gojo depicted specifically to be reacting like this to Geto alone. It seems like Gege is showing us something about Gojo’s subconscious / psyche. They are largely authentic with each other. There is a cultural difference in Japan about context of the inner (honne) and outer voice (tatemae). “Ore” and “Boku” represent that for Gojo respectively, I gather.

Their friendship, the rupture (and the intermittent anguish over 10 years), and having to kill his best friend - are all precisely why he gets sealed. His subconscious seems to know that Geto wouldn’t hurt him. He also trusts that Geto’s subconscious wouldn’t hurt him either. He believed Geto wouldn’t kill young sorcerers - and true to form, this cost him his life.

So there is trust for the person’s mind, there is knowing/identifying of the soul, there is familiarity of the body…

Which is interesting because all that is there is the body. Geto’s subconscious isn’t there anymore with his brain not physically present in pseudoGeto/Kenjaku’s body - but then his arm reacts to Gojo.

It even continues reacting for some time. Look at those veins along his arm in the panel below:

This is significant in the reciprocal nature of Gojo and Geto - Gojo’s speech changed for a moment and he is hit with all the memories from 3 of the best years of his life - his “3 years of Aoi Haru”/3年の青い春 like being smacked with his own unlimited void. Geto’s body reacts involuntaril and tries to retaliate, (just like Toji did several chapters later to stop himself from hurting Megumi/ending his massacre).

They reached for each other, y’all 😭

Again my brain just goes places, and it made me wonder about the soul & body thing. I hope that Geto’s soul is really at the airport, but that there is information carved into the body (like his memories) - if they’re important enough to become instinctual.

It is also, by extension, then possible that... Kenjaku experiences something outside of just thoughts /memories when inside his host...

Just as we see here - yes he does need to keep an eye on the cube, but his expression / reaction to knowing that the girls’ presence are there... addressing them only after the curses have left, and what he says to them, as well as admitting he doesn’t remember what regret feels like -

…and cue an tighter shot of the prison realm (with Gojo’s eyes in the anime depiction) (and interestingly the back of the realm has stitches like Kenjaku’s forehead).

Gege likes to foreshadow and follow up with something significant. So similarly to the above where he sees the girls and acts like he doesn’t give a toss, but is depicted to seem contrary to what he says. Could it also be that it Gojo’s eyes staring that incited the involuntary movement, and the reemphasis of Kenjaku saying he was enjoying the view of seeing Gojo captured - a similar pattern? This old man is just a brain who forgot how to feel?

It begs the question for me: If there was something imprinted within the body that Gojo could call out, what was there?

It remains possible that Kenjaku was simply detached / in denial / ignoring any emotion that arose within from Geto’s body.

Arguably, it is possibly quite characteristic of Kenjaku who was a “mother” and had some motherly instincts remaining, or it could also be seen as an emergence of some sympathy or sadness for the girls that may have come from Geto’s body. I mean, he led Yuji’s friend (Sasaki) out of the culling games, acting like a parent / guardian...

Hmm…

We do not see a physical reaction to any children though; and I guess a situation like that (with the Hasaba girls) in comparison to one that may be filled with adrenaline like a trapped Gojo speaking in that low baritone to him, is inherently different. But regret though? Was it actually a knowing smirk Gege showed us of Kenjaku in front of the prison realm - as if to say he had bested Gojo and Geto? He got his way with the girls too, despite knowing Geto’s feelings?

Or did he simply not recognise it, and it was truly a first for Kenjaku because there normally isn’t something there, but with Geto’s body - something actually stirred / retaliated... because it was Gojo?

I mean, from a neutral perspective, it would seem like the author is shipping them, lol. But I’m not going to lie - we don’t get much honest feedback from Geto about Gojo, so nuggets like those are quite affirming that the connection felt between them was very mutual.

Because if we see how it all began, and note that all Geto wanted to do was to protect those who needed it (even if it was at his personal expense). First it was humans, then Gojo, then sorcerers and then his family too.

And this was born out of the fracture from being unable to be relied upon to kill Toji (avenge Gojo & Riko’s death) or to fight Toji with Gojo, since leaving him alone resulted in getting him killed - which he must’ve believed happened until the point he saw him alive again carrying Riko’s lifeless body...

His connection with Gojo was so strong that (as Gege described it) his body reacted like a dragonfly whose head has been cut off. Something imprinted so deeply in their friendship that it became instinctual - carved into the body - and may not be related to the mind (therefore my avoidance of using the term “subconscious” with pseudoGeto, as it would be Kenjaku’s consciousness).

Moreover, if we take Toji’s resurrection as an example, even in the absence of a soul, the body can still remember and react. In a Geto’s case, where there is a different mind controlling it, for the body is react as separate entity is rather remarkable. I guess by saying this, I’m postulating that I believe body & soul are separate - because, if I’m honest, I want to believe Geto’s soul is with Gojo post-chapter 236.

But. We know there are all of Geto’s memories within the body still after Kenjaku inhabit it. In the absence of the host’s brain. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, Gege - but here we are. And maybe. Emotions too. Or memories of them at the very least. Not that it matters to Kenjaku.

This greatly disturbs me. It’s a level of injustice that also feeds into why I have been avoiding doing metas in Gojo - because his suffering and level of unfairness thrust upon him for simply being “blessed” and resilient just … hurts so bad. I can’t face it just yet.

So what exactly made their connection so profound?

I theorise that Geto interpreted Gojo as wanting to fight alone. That he was in his best element doing so. Kenjaku says this about Gojo too, knowing Geto’s memories.

Short sidenote: Whilst it is true that his technique lends itself better to soloing, I wonder how they might’ve fought together had the Toji incident not occurred. How would they overcome Unlimited Void aside from being back/to-back? Could Geto obtain a curse of his own to swallow him up as protection? No doubt, as a team, Geto’s progression could’ve been exponentially increased due to the number and level of curses available to him with assistance from Gojo. And would Gojo be different and enjoy fighting together had it not occurred? I don’t know, but they do seem to have wanted a connection with one another.

He saw Shoko being asked for help with teleportation. Once upon a time, might it have been him? There was no longer any “we” that he could sense. He didn’t feel there was a use when he had “failed” in so many ways after the failure of the mission and also believing that Gojo died that day and he was unable to avenge him.

The conversation with Yuki all but reinforced his feelings of irrelevance and perceived waste of their sacrifice when tengen was allegedly stable again. Subsequent conversations with Haibara and Nanami seals his skewed belief that he wasn’t needed there. Nanami’s choice of words is very interesting in the original text, implying that “it’s enough for him (Gojo) alone, isn’t it?”. Ref post by @nanami-says who has a nice selection of pieces about translations.

Gojo alone could do it. He could train and ascend all without him; untainted and untethered. His downfall was that he didn’t speak to Gojo. Gojo alone was left out. I mean, just because it suited him doesn’t mean he should be left to do it all...

This is so sad.

He left his heart (Gojo) alone. He also left his own heart alone (never happy from the bottom of his heart). In his descent, he was busy rationalising everything else except getting sad that he felt he’d lost his best friend. Arguably, the most important thing, because it is the scariest things and the things that hurt the most often have the most power / potential to heal.

It is possible he was actively avoiding it. Because, if it was purely about chasing an ideal he could have been drawn to look obsessed with it. Instead he has a sorrowful “I love you so much imma break up with you” face.

Gojo could have been the strength he was seeking if he did indeed want to just eliminate all humans, but he didn’t seek that out because (I theorise) he didn’t want to be outwardly rejected by Gojo.

And thus, he left instead (ugh! you foolish brave coward!) after snapping, and Gojo was left alone to pick up the pieces all by himself in a place haunted with memories of them together.

Just bloody tragic.

And that’s why it was carved into their souls.

In the depths of despair that he was in, could it be that he believed Gojo was better off without him , and in wanting to cradle whatever pride he had left, he sought to build his own temple where he could live in the void of his own making without facing that he had lost everyday?

Gojo could be free to grow and grow and be the strongest and embrace whatever belief system he now held - whether it was borrowed from him or not.

He even goads Gojo into killing him off since there would be meaning to it.

Sigh. Heartbreaking. It wasn’t the best decision. But we know suffering builds character. At least Gege really likes this theme❤️‍🩹.

Why do I believe he yielded though?

Because caring for others comes second nature to Geto. How many times have we seen him make that forlorn face?

Even with the souvenir he requested from Haibara, in the original he phrases it in such a way he implies he isn’t even sure if he’ll see him. “Satoru too; I don’t know if he’ll have some, but I guess, something sweet?” But. He yields to his preference.

There is limited space in his heart, and all he can do is exclude some in order to vehemently love those he can (or deems worthy enough based on his moral system). He didn’t know any other way to exist. Monstrous love. I’m pretty sure someone wrote about it. If I can find it I’ll link it! I call it maternal rage, but it’s a similar concept.

If he had wished to leave without staining Gojo, the absence of a confession of his love at any point also makes sense - like Nanami, he chose his final words carefully - that he hated monkeys (why preface with “no matter what anyone says”) and in a roundabout way, that he djdnt have hate for anyone at the school (can’t he just say he was happiest in those few years?). He wasn’t happy in the world (you can just kill me).

When he saw and felt Gojo’s love - unwavered and unchanged, seeing him having blossomed into someone still so pure - effortlessly righteous, strong, and proud with his army of students who loved each other... did he dare feel absolved? Did he feel like it was worth his defection? Yielded to others? Unable to be selfish? As sad as he was for himself and that his family would be without him and his dream unrealised; Gojo turned out ok.

Suddenly it gave meaning to his perceived sacrifice. It parallels with Toji and seeing Megumi who wasn’t a zenin.

Ah, this makes me mad somehow, but if it helped him pass and have a good death, what can I say? We all need something different at the end of our lives. And it’s important in the Shinto perspective to have a death free of regret in order to live in the space between nowhere/rebirth and earth. I posted about this in another piece too.

And I think that’s also why it was all carved into his body - enough to react to Gojo calling out to him, “Suguru”, despite being inhabited by Kenjaku. And carved into his soul that’s why he waited in the afterlife for Gojo. To be the first to greet him. I want to believe the body and soul are separate. The subconscious may have acted as a bridge between the two, transferring information from the mind / soul into the body.

But of course as a reader we wished it could’ve been a kinder fate for them. But I guess sometimes people have to pay for their sins as well as the sins of others? Life isn’t fair after all…

And arguably, Gojo needed a way to truly sympathise with the weak and how else through loving and losing someone to shape a person’s soul? It was just rather Geto-shaped, as I elaborated on in my other post.

I highly suspect Gojo may have wanted something different - as being born the strongest, he was always going to be the strongest anyway. This came with a burden. Noblesse Oblige. Being the strongest was written into his entire being - mind, body, soul.

And I think this was something they had both respected. I doubt Geto ever thought of himself as a power equal to Gojo, but they had both valued their friendship. Geto was someone who saw Gojo for a person, before the strongest. That’s why when Mimiko and Nanako asked, he was considered thus “my best friend”, and not the latter. Gojo recognised that for what it was, and felt the tender words that showed Care. Consideration. Love.

Gojo may have wanted Geto to lean on him a little. To let himself take the fall. They both didn’t like burdening the other, and after Toji it might just magnified. He wasn’t the type to overthink his role, but wanting to be the strongest (seeing how far he can go) and taking on all the blame was one of the ways Gojo was extremely loving. It was just something he accepted.

I feel like Gojo wanted to be relied upon to do his part; be his best friend, someone he could still love and do the mental and emotional load for him, spoil him a little in return so he could just do his thing as the strongest and train. He needed his other half to help him to do the things he doesn’t like or isn’t good at doing.

I think that as they experienced their bafflingly complementary and reciprocal friendship … before he knew it, all these experiences and emotions shaped him so much that his soul made room for Geto - as the one person who represented fulfilment outside of being the strongest.

Never once did he think he’d lose Geto like he did. He never wanted to be at it alone. Like a lonely army tank whose comrades had left him on the battefield to fight it out on his own.

Ugh, it hurts so bad. He didn’t think Geto was slipping down. Maybe because it wasn’t something he could understand- even more so after the enlightenment incident where a chasm emerged between him and others. Maybe nobody was ever important enough for him to worry or miss if they left.

He nevertheless never deserved to be met with such loneliness and misfortune. He carried the weight of it all, all by himself. I know they both did in their own way, but there is some tragedy to Gojo where he probably wanted or could have had more to fill his life and soul but there was always a chasm or a void that could not be filled because he could not feel understood by anyone since Geto.

How awful it must feel to have to kill someone you treasure.

We have no idea without much insight into his life growing up. Nevertheless, Gojo consistently shielded those he cares about from self-blame even from the beginning where he must’ve known Geto had such inclinations to be stuck in his own head and he tried his best to absolve it and take it upon himself. The priorities of those he cared about became his, provided if he could do it. He protected the students and made light of situations so they could experience their youth. Something he can remember treasuring well into his adult life. His blue spring / best years of his life were deeply etched into his subconscious and soul. It was what he wanted to give his students and reason for reforming the jujutsu world.

But being shielded at that time wasn’t enough for Geto who was experiencing the worst spiral in his life yet. He needed to feel the weight of his responsibility had meaning and a role. In his trauma, grief and denial, he shatters and reaches a point from which he cannot return. He also knows how Gojo defines the weak - tiresome, “lower”, etc. and that could have been another factor that led to his avoidance of him.

I want to really emphasise how I don’t blame any of them. They are not inherently responsible for the other. Arguably, Gojo needed to learn about that pain in order to know what love is. And Geto needed to realise how flawed and unloving his path actually was.

If only they could’ve both had a compassionate mentor who guided them onto the Teacher AU path 😭

In the absence of such a connection etched into his soul, what might Gojo have become? Another Sukuna? I theorised that Geto helped Gojo connect with those “beneath” him in a recent post. I’m not going to repeat that here, but it makes a lot of sense to me that Gojo learned a lot about love through Geto and his own hard work following the numerous hardships he faced as the loneliest strongest of the modern era.

He faced so much in his short life. Being blessed with the six eyes and limitless was a curse in itself. He spent years paying the price for losing his friend, and even had to kill him. How profoundly tragic. He faced loneliness and criticism for finding joy in the only thing that he practically had: jujutsu (yes that kept him one-dimensional, but similar to MeiMei chasing money and several others pursuing strength alone) it was a hefty price to pay. But he was a sorcerer. After all, the only thing he really wanted was to treasure his blue spring and the person associated with it - Geto.

It is poetic that when Gojo died, his soul found its counterpart. He opened his eyes to the person whose presence had etched itself so deeply that he knew Geto in body, mind, soul. Geto was there to greet him with a heartfelt smile (and pout!).

One meeting him at the point of death, and the other, upon death.

Their exchange is really reciprocal here too, with Geto admitting he was envious and Gojo responding in a way where he implies reassurance akin to “I needed you there”. Link to a post on this:

Geto’s little tear in his eye in not one, but two panels as well.

Anyway… then appearing at the airport reminds me of their exchange many years ago “you’re late Suguru - no you’re early.” And “you’re late, Satoru.”

Well, they’re on time now... better not be late for your flight, kids.

And as Kenjaku said to Gojo before sealing him - 「新しい世界でまた会おう」

“let’s meet again in the new world.”

—————————

Sorry, it’s a whopper from me again.

Just some words in an attempt to close this off:

For someone whose emotions guided and drove his rationale, it was ironic how Geto’s body became a puppet for someone like Kenjaku, who was so cerebral (devoid of empathy) befitting of his curse technique to brain-hop. It fits with the jjk theme of being strong in the absence of love, I guess?

Seems fitting that Kenjaku was bested after slipping up when having that good of a time with Takaba. Ironic isn’t it? All those years scheming, only to lose himself for a moment as he indulged in something novel, and he lost to a scheme himself.

And to be killed by Gojo v3.0 (Yuta) who already defeated him once, also as foreshadowed by Gojo before being sealed, on the date he scheduled 24th November.

The parallels don’t end there either, where somehow mahito who stood beside Kenjaku was created to parallel Gojo in some way too (I haven’t quite pondered on this much yet, but I reckon there is something about the thrill in growing exponentially / fighting sense that they share - it might just be that alone or possibly also the juxtaposition of one being human and one a curse? Their reasons for seeking strength?

I dunno - i gather Yuji who also developed exponentially fast and as an anomaly himself may have similarities. And again, as ch 257 leaked, it makes sense and I look forward to finding out what’ll happen to them (seeing as Yuji is kind of sukuna’s son 🤯 if the jjk world considers twin souls to be one soul - papa Yuji is Sukuna’s twin after all) and also Megumi of course.

Just going to wrap up here now, and please feel free to link me up to a post that can enlighten me or drop a comment with any thoughts?

Sorry for a rambling post. I hope it made sense.

For real, real. Thanks for reading my brainrot ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

[violetsiren90]

All I Haven't Said | Namjoon/Reader

💜 Chapter 3: Part 1 💜

Table of Contents: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3 (part 1), Chapter 3 (part 2)

Pairing: idol!Namjoon/f!Reader

Genre: Soulmate AU; idol AU; chapter fic; strangers to lovers; a bit of idiots to lovers, tbh; slow burn; eventual romance; eventual smut; angst (life is messy & hearts are complex); OT7 featured

Summary: You found your soulmate - or rather, he found you. Turns out he's an idol of much acclaim who needs you for very real and unglamorous reasons. What could become of two hearts so used to giving of themselves when they are confronted with needing each other?

Chapter Word Count: ~6k

Chapter Warnings: This fic is 18+, as is all my work and my page as a whole; Talk and depictions of cancer, its treatment, and the symptoms of both; implication of some disregard for personal agency by entertainment industry; character experience and description of disassociation; flashbacks of a distressing situation; soulmate skinship; cursing; conversations surrounding soulmates and sex; character experiences an emotional breakdown; light embarrassment; CONFLICT (you knew it was coming, right?), there is plenty of fluffy stuff too I PROMISE 😂😅

Author's Note: Wow. It's been a minute. If you're still reading this story, thank you for sticking with me, and I apologize for the stretch of time between updates. For the longest time, I just couldn't get this part right...and then it was far too long, so I split it up, and I'm still editing the second, and (potentially) third parts. I got several messages from readers who were worried I might have abandoned this fic, and let me assure you, far from it! I am not a speedy writer, and struggle with doubting if what I'm putting on the page is good enough, so sometimes it takes me a minute to update, but let me assure you, these characters are so special to me and so alive in me, and I ask thank you for your patience as I work to tell their story! Thank you for your lovely words of encouragement and feedback on the story - I appreciate each and every one of them!!

P.S. If you want to join the tag list, drop me a comment or ask!

P.P.S. If no one has told you yet today, you're loved and worthy of love! 🧜‍♀️💜

"I needed the light of your energy, I looked around, devouring hope."

~Pablo Neruda

Chapter 3: My Windows Ache

  "FUCKING FINALLY."

    "Hey, Di."

    "How dare you ghost me for the forty-eight most interesting hours of your life?!"

    "Well, I was low-key occupied..."

    "TELL ME EVERYTHING." 

     You sighed, settling down on a shaded bench in the garden grounds of the hospital to which you had escaped for a little privacy and an important phone call or two.

    "Uh oh. That was your 'things are complicated' sigh," Diana prodded.

    Your eyes tracked a swallowtail as it flitted from azalea to azalea.

    "Well, things certainly aren't conventional or straight-forward, that's for sure. But where's the fun in understanding the basic parameters of what you're getting yourself into on a life-altering scale, right?"

    "Ummmm...what does that mean? You met him, right?"

You could barely hear your sister's question over the crinkle of plastic in the background.

    "Yeah, I did. We bonded too."

    "Oh mah gah!!" Diana choked out amidst sounds of crunchy chewing. "So what's he like?"

    You thought for a moment.

    "He's kind and intelligent. Obviously extremely resilient. His presence is impressive, but he has something about him that's very disarming. He's kind of clumsy and at moments almost...shy? Like, I don't know what I expected, but there's this sweetness to him that you wouldn't anticipate from someone in his position."

    "As a cancer patient?"

    "As an idol."

    You sighed again.

    "I don't know...he's..."

    Diana let out a strangled sound and uttered an enthusiastic string of words you couldn't make out.

    "I have no idea what you just said. Could you please decide whether you want to talk to me or consume an entire bag of Doritos?" 

    "Hey, it's dinner time here!" she whined, "And I said," her voice quickly changed to take on a smug sing-song tone, "That last sigh was your smitten-kitten one..."

    "It was not!" you cut her off sharply. "And get every single idea of Namjoon and I as a couple out of that scheming head of yours because he's very much taken. I'm meeting his fiancée for lunch today."

    "What? He's engaged?"

Diana let out an exasperated huff.

"Why didn't they tell you about this right off the bat? You're going to be the soulmate of a married man? What does that even mean? This is bullshit."

    You had a hard time disagreeing with her there. It was, in fact, bullshit that Namjoon's team had kept his relationship status a secret. Would it have changed your decision? Probably not. This had been about saving Namjoon's life, not some bizarre attempt at matchmaking. But having a third person to consider, and so intimately, as part of the equation for the rest of your earthly life felt like something you should have been made more immediately aware of. Navigating your boundaries with your soulmate had already been complex enough without introducing the prospect of being a fixture in his married life. When Namjoon had breached the prospect of meeting her, he had been taken aback at your surprise - he, like you, had assumed that Hybe's representation had disclosed everything of significance.

    "So it's a good thing I came here as a lifeline, not a mail-order bride," you reminded your sister, "And that seems to be working, by the way. His vitals are already stable. They stabilized overnight, in fact. And his white blood cell count was way up this morning, which is good because I guess he was experiencing immunosuppression from the chemo."

    "Oh, nice," Diana murmured.

You had to remind yourself that she was young and excitable, and not to be annoyed at the disappointment that he crept into her tone. However, never one to be down for long, her voice brought its usual bright mischief through the speaker as she posed her following question.

    "By the way...how was bonding?"

    She had said it with an inescapably salacious undertone, which is why, you told yourself, heat had begun to creep up the base of your neck. You stammered, switching the phone from one ear to the other as you bought yourself time to reassemble your decorum. 

    "Ah...I mean...it was...intense?"

    "Ooooohhhh," Diana trilled, only making you more uncomfortable as the heat spread from your neck to your cheeks, "Intense, huh? Like in a good way?"

     You squirmed uncomfortably where you sat, thoughts of Namjoon's pleasure-stricken face and the strength of his hand and how his skin felt against your own hitting your hippocampus like a flash flood.

    "Y/n?"

    "It was fine, okay? And it worked - so that's what's important."

    "....Okaaay..." Diana drawled skeptically.

You scrambled for another talking point.

    "That kid visited. The one who came to the States - Jungkook. And another one of the members too - Jim...Jimin? I'm still trying to get their names straight. Some of them don't go by their actual names on stage - Namjoon is RM...but you knew that. Anyway, I digress. Both the boys were really sweet. Seems like they're all very close. I'm supposed to meet the rest of the members at some point next week at dinner. They wanted to have a sort of 'last supper' for us since we're probably going to start rejecting food soon."

    "That's cool, you get to meet the whole team! Oh my gosh, you're just going to casually have dinner with BTS...this is still so unreal!"

    "Yep," you affirmed, a smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.

Namjoon had hit you with a couple of whoppers last night, but this was one you were actually looking forward to. You told Diana all about your first two days in Seoul - about the impressive hospital and its kind staff. About meeting Namjoon, and his condition. About how everything was still so fresh and new. About how so many things were still unsettled, so many questions unanswered.

    "So are you nervous?"

    "About what?"

    "Meeting his girlfriend."

    You had been so wrapped up in filling Diana in on it all that you had actually forgotten about the impending lunch date. As you pulled the phone away from your ear to check the time, your stomach lurched. 

    "Shit, I better get going. It's almost eleven-thirty." You sprang up and started quickly back toward the building.

    "That wasn't an answer," Diana scoffed, "But, hey, sis?"

    "Yeah?" You pressed the "up" button on the elevator.

    "Don't be."

    You smiled.

    "Love you, Di."

    "Love you too. And so does anyone worth a damn."

    After deciding that you smelled like outside, you showered quickly then slipped into caramel-colored corduroys and an off-white tee. You rummaged around the small suitcase Matt had brought from the hotel for you in search of a sweater. After several exasperating minutes of unsuccessful digging, you heaved the bag of laundered clothes that had been returned to you by the hospital staff this morning, having gone through much of the what the Hybe staff had initially pilfered from your luggage in the last two days.

You grumbled in relief as you pulled out your dark green cardigan and slipped it over your shoulders, wondering what the hell the hospital laundry services had done to stretch it out so badly. But, you didn't have time to fuss - so you bunched up the sleeves and headed to the opposite end of the hospital's outdoor grounds where you suspected Namjoon and his guest were already waiting. 

    The hospital grounds were extensive and beautiful, sporting a garden that extended from the western wing, and a lawn punctuated by traditional pavilions to the east. He had pointed out the one he had reserved to you last night - tucked away in the shade of the large gingko trees flanking the little man-made stream that delineated the border of the grounds.

As you made your way toward the shady spot you chided yourself for being so uneasy - everyone surrounding your soulmate had been as lovely and warm and welcoming as he had been, and the woman he loved would likely be no exception. After Namjoon had disclosed that she was a musician like he was, you had done a bit of online recon before going to bed that night.

Her given name was Kim Hyung-seo, but her stage name, by which she was well-known, was Bibi. She was four years Namjoon's junior, but seemed nearly as ambitious. From what you could tell, she seemed to share a similar drive for artistry and honesty in her musical process as her future husband, and though her tendency for loose-canon candidness had landed her in hot water more than once, her earnest sincerity had engendered her to the hearts of her peers and fans alike. In an industry that seemed to often censor and restrict women, Hyung-seo didn't seem to give much credence to the rules. You liked that. You were actually kind of excited to get to know her a bit and ask her about her art - you had always been a woman's woman, and being in the company of strong feminine energy was something you found deeply empowering and grounding. You anticipated that your soulmate's girlfriend was someone you could respect, and you allowed yourself to venture to hope that feeling would be mutual.

    You trotted up the steps of the pavilion and took in its contents. The center had been fitted with a low, round table bearing a colorful and mouthwatering spread of gogi, bibim guksu, gimbap, and banchan. Cushions had been placed on the floor for seating, but none bore the lunch companions you had been anxious not to keep waiting. You were about to take your place at the table when a figure moving near the creek caught your eye.

You moved to the far side of the structure, to see your soulmate deeply engaged in conversation...with a duck.

He was standing near the edge of the water, his tall figure clad in silky modern navy blue hanbok. The top was untied and hung loosely over a white tee - the only contrast to the deep muted tone apart from his cognac loafers. He wore a dark beanie pulled low on his head, which was bowed in affectionate greeting to a juvenile Gadwall who had paddled away from his family to sample the little bits of starchy fluff that the stranger had sprinkled onto the water.

You pressed your palms against the painted wood, taking him in with a smile as he crouched down, extending a bit of bread between his fingers slowly toward the curious little water foul.

This man, you were learning - this erstwhile underground rapper, this leader of men, this brilliant intellectual and genius artist - this great, powerful, impressive man could be called out of his poise in an instant by the sweet and tiny things of the world.

You watched as he waited patiently, the little duck swimming in to-and-fro circuits and drawing closer and closer to Namjoon with each pass, until finally it was close enough to snatch its prize from him and scuttle off quickly to rejoin its mother and siblings. Namjoon chuckled, smiling fondly as he watched the duck make his way back down the creek.

This man, you thought to yourself, could not possibly be real.

    "So you're a Kpop idol and a Disney princess, huh?" you called, causing Namjoon to startle and rock back on his heels, landing on his posterior in the damp grass.

    You slapped a hand over your mouth to repress the laughter that threatened to bubble up at the site of his large well-dressed figure tipped back haphazardly on the creekside. He huffed a sheepish laugh as he stood, swiping at the back of his pants.

    "Give a person a little warning?" he chided lightly, approaching you where you leaned on the railing.

    "Sorry," you chuckled, "I didn't want to scare your little friend."

    "So you settled for scaring your soulmate? I see how it is." 

    You smiled and ducked your head.

    "Sorry," you murmured, flicking your gaze back to his.

He looked up at you, fixing you with his warm brown eyes and bringing his hands to grip the railing on either side of yours. Suddenly, you felt shy. You shook yourself.

    "Hey, hang out with the ducks and you'll end up with a wet tail," you teased.

Namjoon's eyebrows drew together in mock disgust.

    "Yikes, you're almost as bad as Seokjin hyung," he remarked disparagingly.

    You shrugged, smirking.

    "I have no idea what that means, but whoever Seokjin is, he must have a superior sense of humor."

Namjoon was opening his mouth to respond, but was cut short, as the tiny motion of your shoulders had slid one of your hands just a centimeter down the railing and barely flush with his own. The slight contact was enough to send sudden little tingles of comfort shooting up your arm and across your chest. In a millisecond you felt yourself relax where you hadn't realized you were tense. You could have imagined it, but you thought you felt Namjoon press his hand just a fraction more into yours as he swallowed and heaved a deep sigh.

You reminded yourself for the hundredth time since you arrived that this was biological. Clinical. The means to an end. Damn, he felt good though.

You found yourself snatching your hands away to push up your cardigan sleeves and then stuff them into your pants pockets where they would stop confusing you. You distracted yourself from Namjoon's subtle look of disappointment with an apology.

    "Sorry about your pants," you rocked back on your heels as you looked out over the little ribbon of water rippling over its stony bed behind him.

He glanced over his shoulder and brushed himself off again before waving a hand in dismissal. Your eyes focused back on the blue silk.

"I didn't realize this was a fancy lunch. I feel under-dressed."

    "You look nice," Namjoon rebutted, as he glanced over your attire. Then his brow pinched as his eyes halted on your torso, flitting over your arms and shoulders. "But isn't that -"

    "Joon?"

A voice behind you caused you to turn.

Standing at the top of the steps was the woman it belonged to. She was tall and beautifully slender - her svelte figure draped in a slinky chrome dress with a triangular cutout that displayed the smooth skin of her upper abdomen. Her glossy raven tresses were styled away from her face in a high ponytail, drawing sharp attention to her sultry features. Her smoky eyes glanced over your form with a lazy intensity, lids half-raised over dark irises, and her pouted lips pursed in appraisal. You wondered just exactly how many ridiculously beautiful people traveled in Namjoon's circle.

She stepped toward you, her chunky pink heels marking her confident strides on the floorboards, before bowing and extending a small hand with sharp white acrylics and icy sliver rings.

    "I'm the girlfriend!" she hummed, her deep, velvety voice matching her features.

    You bowed in return before shaking her hand politely.

    "So nice to meet you," you smiled, "I'm -

    "The soulmate," she cut you off, glancing over your shoulder at Namjoon, who still stood outside the pavilion, "of that weirdo." '

Namjoon circled around to the entrance of the pavilion before joining you with a wry smile. He introduced the two of you formally, before being the first to take a seat at the table. Hyung-seo joined him, shimmying her cushion closer to Namjoon's as she used a pair of chopsticks to load her plate with selections from the spread. 

    "Oh my god, I'm STARVING," she gushed, staring at Namjoon impatiently as he took a bit of kimchi fried rice and a few slices of samgyeobsal.

    "My stomach feels like it could take some real food for the first time in a while," he said with eager enthusiasm, glancing up at you with a smile of gratitude. 

    Hyung-seo tapped her chopsticks against her plate as she watched you survey the dishes before you. You took some kimchi fried rice and carefully ladled out a small bowl of doenjang-jjigae. You pulled your hands into your lap and watched the steam rise from the fragrant broth.

    "Ah, unnie..." Hyung-seo began before Namjoon shushed her and lightly tapped her knee.

You glanced between them in confusion. Namjoon merely smiled at you, and you smiled back, glancing down from his warm gaze to your plate.

    "Oh for the love of god, would you take a bite?"

    You looked up rather startled at Hyung-seo, who was leaned forward, her desperate eyes tracking your movements, and the chopsticks clutched in her right hand hovering over a plump, sweating mandu.

You blinked, fumbling for your chopsticks as your soulmate admonished the woman next to him. You took a heap of fried rice onto your chopsticks and brought it to your lips, looking questioningly between the two across from you. Hyung-seo groaned in impatience, her head lolling back.   

    "In Korea, the eldest eats first," Namjoon offered in soft explanation, his features trained in apology.

    As realization washed over you, you all but shoved the rice into your mouth, hoping to swallow your embarrassment with it, followed quickly by Hyung-seo, who popped two mandu into her mouth consecutively. Her eyes rolled back as she let out a groan of appreciation. You watched Namjoon carefully savor a piece of samgyeobsal. He smiled a dimpled smile. You smiled to yourself as you tucked into your fried rice. Namjoon's fiancée watched you both. Her cheeks were full, but she wasn't smiling.

Your little trio ate in contented silence until your visitor, having satisfied her belly, fixed her eyes on you with a different sort of eagerness. The time for questions had come, you realized. You set down your chopsticks, taking a drink of water.

    "I'm sure there is so much we'd like to know about each other," you offered with a smile.

    She pulled her lips into a brief grin, sipping from her own glass as her eyes trailed over you. You cleared your throat.

    "So, I read that y-"

    "How does it feel?" she interrupted, starring at you raptly. You blinked.

    "I'm sorry?"

    "When he touches you." She licked her lips. "I heard it's like cumming. I heard it's better."

Namjoon slid a large hand over her thigh. You saw it squeeze.

    "Jagiya..." he murmured.

    You glanced at him and gave him a reassuring grin which he returned, though not as readily as before. Not the start to the conversation you had hoped for, but she was living up to her brusque reputation. You let yourself laugh a little at the question, and saw Hyung-seo's mouth curl up a bit at the corners, though it didn't reach her eyes.

    "It's nothing like sex, actually," you mused, trying to be as forthcoming as possible without abandoning politeness. "Strange, I guess, because it is all about physical exchange and contact. But...it's more like...nourishment? I don't know...I haven't had long enough to think about it."

You had had quite long enough to know that it was ineffable, but in the most intoxicating, magnificent way - and a hell of a lot better than most of the sex you'd had. This, however, wasn't the time and place for descriptions of the bond that could be ripped from the pages of drugstore romance novels.

    You found yourself turning to Namjoon with a questioning gaze, as if to ask if he had anything to add. He nodded in response, not meeting your eyes.

    "Yeah, it's different," he murmured succinctly.  

    Hyung-seo hummed in assent, chewing on her lip, her gaze still roving over you. You decided to try again.

    "So how did you m-"

    "How do you do it?"

    You stifled a small sigh that threatened to escape your lips.

    "Do what?"

    "Use the bond. Like, do you hold hands, or...or what?"

    You looked to Namjoon who murmured something in Korean that sounded like a warning. This wasn't going as you'd hoped. Her questions were natural ones, but not the first you thought you'd be asked, and not so pointedly. In fact, they were ones she should probably have put to her partner. Had they not spoken since you arrived?

    "The bond works with any physical contact. When I first got here, I had so many questions myself. The hospital personnel were very informative while helping us navigate our questions. I still know very little, but as someone whose partner is bonded, I'm sure they would have someone who could better answer these types of questions than I can," you offered.

It was the opposite of forthcoming, but you were absolutely not prepared to launch into a conversation about you and her fiancé spooning in your undergarments. The trajectory of the exchange had to go elsewhere, so you resolved to take the wheel.

    "Is there anything you'd like to know about me? Maybe I could tell you a little about myself. My job in the states wasn't glamorous, but I loved it. I was -"

    "A social worker, I know," she murmured with a sigh, and Namjoon's head snapped toward her.     

You could feel your confusion pulling into a frown. In your beat of silence, the woman in front of you gave into another impulse as she placidly launched into an answer of your unasked question.

    "You're a social worker from the West coast, oldest of three kids. Your father died when you were ten. You graduated summa cum laude, and chose a career in women's services. You support your mother's living - you have been, long-term. Your brother is an engineer and your sister is in nursing school. You've never committed any crimes, but you were arrested once in college at some political protest about immigrant rights. Your blood type is O positive. You don't seem very good with your money, but you've never asked for financial assistance. You've never been married." 

    Silence.

    Your ears were ringing.

    You blinked as you tried to focus, grappling for something on which to stabilize your composure. This isn't how this was supposed to go. You felt your control slipping as the words pierced you in echoes that knocked you back down each time you reached out to steady your mind. 

    "Your father died when you were young..."

    "...You support your mother's living..."

    "...You don't seem very good with your money"

    Your mind whirred as the silence closed in, and for a moment you were suspended.

        Diana and Henry weren't pillars, you thought - they were tiny little babies as your mother clutched them on either side of her prone, shaking form as shovels of dirt were shifted back into the gaping hole that held a pine box covered in flowers. You looked down at the flag in your hands, and then up at the white flowers, still fresh and blooming, being caked and sodden with damp soil. You felt something rising up in your chest - something that never reached the surface. You turned from the wound in the earth as Dianna reached out and tugged at your arm. The babies looked afraid. You couldn't see your mother's face from where it was buried in her skirts. You tucked the flag reverently under your arm and took the little hands.

    Somewhere outside the amniotic sack of your mind, you saw Namjoon's figure stand. You heard his garbled voice speak to the woman beside him. He was angry, his voice pitched low. Hers in response was sharp and high.

    You took a deep breath and exhaled. Your chest was beginning to labor and your inhaler was on the fifth floor of a building on the other side of the property.

You willed yourself back into this world you had chosen. This place which, like the others you had inhabited, would discover its new tenant didn't take long to adapt. She was built to withstand.

    "Namjoon," you called softly, as you looked up at your soulmate. His eyes snapped to yours, his face showing subtle but unmistakable signs of distress - eyes reflecting remorsefully and jaw flexing.

You smiled at him gently, reassuringly.

    "It's alright," you insisted, your eyes not leaving his.

You saw his shoulders sag, and his head bow. His hand came up to scrub over his face. You realized then that she was looking at you. Hyung-seo's expression was apprehensive, her eyes scouring your face.

    "This must be an extremely difficult thing for you, whatever the reason," you offered earnestly.

    She regarded you in silence, her eyes flickering like the flame of a candle.

    "I would say, 'I understand', but I don't. I have no idea how hard it must be to fall in love with someone only to watch them suffer at the hands of disease, and to suffer so greatly and to come so close to losing them that you turn to finding a person who can save them, and who - if they are saved by - they will need and desire for the rest of their natural life. A person who isn't you." 

    Her eyes quivered as they held you in their gaze.

    "I know I'm supposed to be a saving grace," you continued, having gained your ground, "But I know I could also look a lot like a threat. Trust me when I say that you can be open and honest with me about how you feel. This is a difficult situation where we're going to feel burdened by things we shouldn't. Namjoon and I discussed this."

    You smiled again at your soulmate, who was watching you with relief and something else in his features. You wanted to call it admiration, but you had only known him for two whole days.

    "Whatever fears you're carrying that make you feel like a burden in this moment, could I ask you to set them aside? For a chance to get to know me in the real way that you deserve? This isn't a trap. Or a cage. We've all chosen to be here."

    You regarded Hyung-seo in the silence that followed. Her eyes had fallen from your face - they glanced over toward where Namjoon stood, barely raising toward his figure, when she suddenly dropped her face into her hands and began shaking with sobs.

    You let out a sigh of relief too soft to be heard by the others.

    "Fuck...." Hyung-seo choked out against her palms, "I'm such a piece of shit..."

    Namjoon moved to place a hand over her back and assure her she wasn't. You wondered what she felt when he touched her. Your heart ached with pity for her. Namjoon drew her into his chest and held her as she cried her makeup off. He stroked her hair as her regarded her with weary, worried eyes. You couldn't help but feel that you were encroaching on a private moment...expect that you were a part of this as much as they were. Was there a lifetime of this feeling to be endured? You sighed again.

    "I'm gonna give you guys a minute," you whispered as you clambered to your feet.

    Namjoon nodded silently over the woman in his arms. 

    You watched scattered leaves from the boughs overhanging the far side of the stream spin as the were swept away. Your eyes tracked one in particular, twirling as it sailed around a protruding rock and under an arching root, only to be stopped as it was doubled at the middle by a thin, swaying reed. You found your feet moving to where the water rushed around it as it billowed helplessly on both sides of its obstruction like a flag of surrender. You slipped off your shoes and rolled up your pants. You waded into the cool, clear water and, reaching out, tugged the little leaf free. You watched as it sailed on, disappearing around a bend in the waterway. You glanced back up at the pavilion. If you could have been sure it was the right move, you would have left altogether, but you wouldn't want your sudden departure to be taken the wrong way.

    You sighed. You pulled your phone out of your back pocket as you waded back out of the stream. Dead. You were bad about keeping it charged, and your conversation with Diana had drained its aged battery. You wished you had a book. Glancing about, your eyes caught a fairly large patch of clover flowers a few yards down the bank, and crossing the soft grass, you sank down in its center.

You smiled weakly to yourself as you plucked one of the little white buds near the base of its stem. You and your siblings would spend hours at the park under the shade turning sprawling patches of the puffy blooms into garlands, crowns, bracelets, and rings. You picked another flower and tied its supple stem into a knot just under the other flower's head. 

    By the time Namjoon came to join you, sinking down across from you in little clover patch you had fashioned yourself a crown and a necklace, and were working on a garland to send to Diana. You set down your handiwork to look up at him. He was regarding you with soft, somber eyes and a little smile that looked like one he didn't have the energy for but couldn't help besides. He picked a flower and twirled it between his fingers.

    "I'm so sorry," he murmured, "If I would have thought that things would go that way, I wouldn't have insisted on her meeting you before she left. She's going on tour and I thought...well, I thought if she just met you her anxieties would be eased."

    You nodded thoughtfully.

    "Thank you for your patience and kindness. She was out of line saying those things to you like that...you were...that was everything she needed to hear, I think."

    You cast your eyes down as you tied off another knot in the garland.

    "Is she okay?" you asked quietly.

    Namjoon sighed.

    "She's...embarrassed. Ashamed of herself. She wasn't in any condition to finish that conversation, so I suggested she go home."

    "Understandable," you assented, nodding again.

    Silence hung between you for a moment before you raised your eyes to his again.

    "Namjoon...there are some things I think we should discuss."

    He nodded earnestly, his eyes falling, brow creasing and tongue pressing into his cheek.

    "I know we haven't had much time," you continued, "And we have literally the rest of our lives...but, I think we should be on the same page about what we've been told about each other. I think it will make this whole process easier? I don't know. There are some things you assume you'll have to tell someone at a certain point in knowing them - some things that are...deeply personal..."

    "Aren't things between us already that way? Deeply personal?"

    You looked up and those half-lidded brown eyes were looking right at you in a way you weren't prepared for, in a way that flooded your veins. Soulmate. You wanted to touch him. You wanted to feel him and what he brought to you. You wanted him to feel it too. But you didn't know him, and he didn't know you, and he needed healing, which is why you were here. He loved someone who loved him whose lives you were disrupting. This feeling was basal, you knew - came with the territory...but you were going to need some strong boundaries if this was going to function. You were going to need honesty, for a start.

   "They are," you relented slowly, "But I have questions that I need answers to. Your trust in me is clear, and I appreciate that...but...I need time to get my footing here."

    Namjoon nodded in assent.

    "I get that. So, what do you want to know, specifically? I'll answer any question you have."

    You nodded gratefully.

    "Thank you. Do you think I could take a little time to think about what I want to ask? I'm kind of still processing everything that just happened."

    "Of course," he was quick to answer, "Whenever you want to talk, just let me know. Did I say how sorry I am?" he asked smiling weakly as he looked up from where he struggled to knot the stem of one flower around another, suddenly looking down again when its stem snapped between his fingers.

    You huffed out a little laugh.

    "Yes, you did," you did, you answered, offering him a rueful grin.

    He picked another flower only to realize he had cut its stem too short for his purposes. He tossed the little blossoms back into the grass.

    "Can you make me one?" he asked pathetically, pouting at the garland in your hands.

    You chuckled as you tied off the one in your lap and leaned forward to slip it over his head. He adjusted it around his neck, looking down at it with a pleased expression.

    "You know...if you can believe it, we actually got lucky in there," he smirked, his forehead creasing as he raised his brow.

    You gave him a look of confusion. His eyes trailed over your torso again before flitting back up to yours.

    "She didn't notice that you're wearing my sweater."

    You froze. Then you blinked down at the giant green cardigan that had, in fact, slipped down off of one shoulder. Then you gaped at him.

    He snickered.

    You scrambled to yank the sweater over your head, even as he laughed and protested, you blustered apology after expletive after apology.

    "Shit, it was in my laundry bag!" You whined in explanation as you shook it out and began to fold it in your lap.

    "Stop, just keep it on," Namjoon insisted, still clearly amused at your state of panic.

    "I have one just like this. Like, identical but obviously smaller. I just assumed it had stretched out in the wash..." You extended the sweater toward him.

    He shook his head.

    "Just give it back later, you'll be cold." He looked up at your exasperated expression and started laughing again.

    "Stooop..." you whined in embarrassment, and when he only laughed harder, you tossed the sweater in his face. As he balled it up with a smile where it fell down into his lap, his smart watch trilled. He glanced down at it.

    "I've got labs scheduled now," he sighed.

    "Hopefully they'll bring more good news," you offered, at which he nodded. "I seem to be getting the job done, if I do say so myself," you teased, leaning back on your hands and offering him a smug look.

He nodded, tongue in his cheek, then pushed to stand - with effort, you noticed - and extended a hand down to you. You didn't realize what the little smile on his mouth was for until you accepted his hand with your own, by habit, and were nearly knocked back off your feet as the bond surged through you like a wave of mind-numbing euphoria that left you unable to process information outside of what was sent coursing through your every cell from where he touched you.

    You blinked up at him as you got your wits about you, and he was looking down at you through little slits in his barely-open eyes, head tilted back and mouth hanging open - little smirk still tugging at its corner. You pursed your lips, trying not to grin back.

    "You did that on purpose," you chided, trying and failing to train your features in a scowl.

    His smirk deepened.

    "What? I was just being courteous..."

    You rolled your eyes.

    "I'm feeling a little weak, I think it would be best if you helped me back to the room," he muttered slyly, turning to head back toward the building.

The smile that was dimpling his cheek and creasing the corners of his eyes did something to your stomach that had you yanking your hand out of his grasp.

    "Yeah, right," you huffed, forging a few steps ahead of him, "You're putting a lot by your poorly reputed coordination to think you could walk while I was touching you." 

    He let out a laugh behind you. It was loud and bright and had you biting back a smile to match it.

    "What happened to getting the job done, sweater thief?" he called after you teasingly.

    Shit. Yeah. Boundaries. You were going to need them.

_________________________________________________

Well, they met! Next part to follow soon.

Thank you for sticking with me here!

Tag list: @butterymin @little-dark-empress @aretha170 @kamilamb @jlee97 @thephotoend @callmenoona25 @felicityroth @softforyoongles @berlianv @honneypies @deadrose287 @n0pesir

[sniperct]

with xena being from the 90s is there anything specificically dubious or of the time that people should know of ahead of time before going in? ie the similar vein to warning people of tng test of honor and other drek in 90s trek?

hope you dont mind the ask, youre just one of the few people I see around still chatting about xena

some of it is YMMV. the entire show plays fast and loose with all kinds of mythology and magic from not just Greece/Rome but as far away as brittania, norway, china and egypt. (all the gods of each culture seem to exist simultaneously and occasionally interact/chat with each other.) But generally plotlines are one of the following:

Xena's evil past has consequences

Warlord/God acting up and needs to be defeated

A god is being mischievous and needs to be outwitted (aphrodite, cupid, some others are common here)

something silly/over the top/campy

Gabrielle is trying to figure out her life's direction

Xena's Personal Beef with Rome and Caesar in Particular

sometimes multiple or all of the above (see Fish Femmes and Gems)

Up to season 5 on my current rewatch, I'd say The Way is still probably the most culturally insensitive (they actually had to record a PSA on hinduism over it). The two leading up to that didn't seem to get any backlash that I could tell when reading about it. (its a three part story that's super important to the plotline and character development of the show and hammers home the soulmate angle, especially the second one). But I'm no gonna speak for that culture or anything, just what I read on the wiki. But the third part I know enough to feel uncomfortable with it). Ripped from the wiki:

The episode was pulled from syndication after protests from Hindu groups. It was finally allowed to be reshown with the addition of a public service announcement at the very end by Lucy, Renée, as well as a spokesman for the Hindu community explaining that the producers took liberties with the Hindu religion.

In general, jokes and silliness overall tend to land well, especially if you enjoy camp.

While it can be clumsy in some respects overall it handles gender and race pretty well, there's a variety of women of various roles. They had someone in drag at a fashion show episode who (who late IRL came out as trans) that was handled really well. The Amazons are very much sexy but also deep and spiritual.

Casting generally appears to be race blind with regard to heroic roles, evil roles and the more complicated grey area 'seeking redemption' roles and mostly seems to try to cast appropriately on a cultural basis. Like warlord casting seemed to be like 'are you a big guy? you're hired!'

Nothing ever seemed to approach test of honor's level of bad IMO, except maybe The Way.

(I'd argue there's even some meta commentary with regard to centaurs and centaur culture and how its treated)

Its got some of your standard 'guy likes girl, does stupid shit for girl' type stuff but he gets character growth and ultimately he's family. He's the little brother, 'only we can bully him but god help you if you bully him' type of dynamic. Someone hurts our proto-himbo joxer and xena and gabrielle go for the throat. Then ten minutes later are roasting him.

The only episode I really skip is the gross one involving lice and a skin rash(but at least they let the lady heroes be gross, quite frequently in fact). Maybe also skipping the married ...with children parody episode too. The Way could maybe get by with a summary but I wanted to watch it again specifically to see where it fell on the character part. Pretty important to jumpstarting Gabrielle's peace arc.

[the-jesus-pill]

Is there a word for missing being in a shitty religion because it made you feel like you had a purpose? I dunno, it's just. I know it's a cult now, I never want to go back, but fuck if I don't miss actually Knowing who I am and what I'm supposed to do and feeling like I belong somewhere. Is that a thing that usually happens? Do you have any resources for dealing with it? I hope this isn't an inappropriate question.

This is normal! I haven't been a part of the church for probably more than a decade and sometimes I still wonder if I'd be happier being part of something where if you say the right things and make the right decisions you will be accepted, praised and loved.

It's both the positive and partially the negative of leaving - now you can decide who you want to be, what you want to do, who your friends are.

I think everyone who leaves a community, whether that community was religious or otherwise, whether it was healthy or not, experience this feeling of 'well, what do I do now?'

But the good news is that there will always be another group for you, whether you find them right away or not. Humans are social animals, and there are people who want you in their lives as much as you want to be in theirs. Finding them is the difficult part but it's so rewarding when you do.

My advice is find out what you like or what you want to learn and see if there is a community for it nearby!

This can be paid lessons like dancing, yoga, hiking groups, learning music or other languages, or it can be hobbies like cosplay, table top roleplaying, crafting, theater, etc. Learning a sport or doing local activism can also be a good way to get to know others (although be careful with activism, while it's a very good cause, it should not be a hobby and it can have its own complications)

If there's nothing in your immediate local area, try online communities! Online book clubs, writing groups, fandoms and roleplaying, music appreciation are good examples to start, lots of people there and many of them looking for newcomers to share their passions with.

Check out your local library or fandom stores (like comic book or cosplay shops) for smaller events - and Reddit has a lot of communities for basically anything you can come up with.

Feeling like you don't have a place is a very common feeling, even amongst those who aren't apostates. Everyone feels self conscious about not having enough friends - or not having ANY friends. We're told we need to belong somewhere to matter.

But in truth you have all the time in the world to find your people. You might find a group of friends and then it doesn't work out - friends leave or there are falling outs and it can feel like you're not cut out to have relationships. It's normal to not immediately find your soulmates, your BFFs, your found family on the first try. Keep trying! They are out there.

Edit: I recommend reading this article! Ask Polly: How Am I Supposed To Make Friends In My Late 20s?

[loosesodamarble]

Senpai its 🖤  anon can you answer 3, 4, 9, 21, 32, 43, 47, 49 and 50 for the ask game. I hope it’s not too much

🖤 anon! Waaaaaah! Sorry for answering so late! I feel bad for opening myself up for an ask game and then suddenly taking a break from social media. BUT! I'm back on tumblr and ready to answer.

Don't worry about the number of questions! I will gladly answer each and every one of them! LET'S GOOOOOO!

.....

3) Have you ever written a soulmate AU? If you haven't, why would/wouldn't you write one?

I haven't written an explicit soulmate au as of yet. But I would like to write some kind of soulmate au at some point. Because I have an idea for an idea that is very specific to Black Clover in particular and I would like it written down in a fic. Someday.

4) What's the fastest you've reached a romantic couple's first kiss (in words/scenes/chapters)? First "I love you"? Other landmarks?

I was pretty quick in giving Josele and Morgen their first kiss. Back three years ago I wrote this fic Love Like Fairy Tales which shows lots of little moments between Morgsele and one of those moments is their (accidental) first kiss. And it was actually the second fic I wrote for Josele, Nacht, and Morgen (a birthday fic for the twins) where I actually showed Morgen and Josele's engagement.

I just... jump around the timeline so i end up reaching romantic milestones in a weird order. Whoops!

9) When you write, do you plan out the stages of a relationship, or just let it flow? Do you have any works where the characters seem to "write themselves"?

I'm a "let it flow" kind of relationship writer, for the most part. I did have a rough timeline of relationship stages for Nacht x Josele, although that's more... the stages leading up to them dating rather than stages within a relationship. As in, when they reunite and a period of them circling each other, then someone takes them aside to talk through their feelings. That stuff.

And Morgen x Josele is the couple that always writes itself. Whether they're being annoyingly sweet lovers or things are uneasy between them, the two of them just come together so well and I sometimes don't have to think so hard.

21) Not all relationships are romantic. What's your favorite non-romantic relationship that you've written about?

Nacht and Morgen's sibling relationship! THE BROS! I need to sit down and write more for just these two after the recent chapters because AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! It's so good! I always had a feeling that Nacht and Morgen's first loyalties are to each other and I got that basically confirmed to me. And yet neither ever ever saw how much they meant to the other because their communication and their feelings made things so complicated. It's beautiful; it's tragic; it's the kind of messy family dynamic that I like Black Clover for!

I've written some things where they actually do reconcile and become a team (Morgen as Captain of the Aqua Deer au stuff), but I really should do more with them now that an ever clearer picture of their dynamic has been confirmed.

32) Do you find it more fun to write soft, domestic romances, or dramatic thrillers?

Answered here.

But to reiterate, I do like some drama but I love romantic fluff so much more~!

43) How do you feel about unhappy endings? Unrequited love? Major character death?

Answered here.

But again, I have mixed feelings towards all three of those topics. Sometimes I'm for it, sometimes I'm not.

47) What's the most self-indulgent relationship you've written? Are there any particular moments/scenes that you wrote just for you?

The whole Nacht x Josele x Morgen relationship is me full self-indulging. Josele loves both and gets both (in a way). Josele gets her time with Morgen and her love for him persists (and in aus, they really get to have the whole happy endings). And later on, she and Nacht establish a relationship and find an ending for themselves.

Basically everything I write for that dynamic is self-indulgent and for me. I just like the deep love and deep pain that comes from the complex dynamic that I created. Josele loves both at first only acts on her love for Morgen. She still yearns for Nacht and feels guilty for it, without knowing that Nacht yearns for her back. It's messy but it's still lovely in my eyes and I just happened to luck out on people finding the drama interesting/compelling.

49) What's your favorite relationship dynamic that you've seen in another work of fiction? Has this influenced your writing at all?

I love the dynamic between Kate and Emilico from the series Shadows House. Kate is supposed to be the "master" and Emilico the "servant" in the set up of the noble house they find themselves in. But their relationship goes far beyond that, and it's something that is important to them breaking away from the restrictive establishment they're in. They're partners, friends, and sisters. They are distinct individuals (a very important theme in Shadows House) but they become stronger by learning and relying on each other. They're brave and adorable young girls (and they are young, like 12-13 age range) and I can't wait to see how they grow.

I don't think their dynamic has influenced my writing. Yet? Maybe it has a little, in regards to Nacht and Morgen's dynamic. Like Kate and Emilico, they are narratively a unit but are still very much their own characters. I'd like to be able to write Morgen and Nacht more (likely within au scenarios) where they have different strengths and weaknesses, and it's coming together that makes them a force to reckon with.

50) Free space! Brag on yourself! Advertise your writing! What are you most proud of recently?

I have an ao3 in case anyone missed that! It's mostly Black Clover (and Faustsele) writing there but I have other projects too.

My "Welcome to the Black Bird" series is pretty popular and I'm more than halfway through it! It really is a lot of fun writing this series, especially when it comes to the food descriptions and how they're tied to each of the characters involved with the Black Bird. Also, I commissioned a lot of art for that particular series and the artists I commissioned should get their work seen too!

There's also my series "As Time Moves On" where I've written some fics touching on topics like Damnatio's disappearance and the state of Spade Kingdom after the Zogratis family was removed from power. Like, time skips are common in manga series like Black Clover, I just wanted to explore what could've (and maybe even should've) gone down in more than a year of time. It involves canon characters and ocs. The most popular fic from this series is the Silva-centric one (because everyone wants to see that family talk things out, you know). I have neglected to write one of the fics in the middle (a Lolo x Gadjah centered one) but I have a draft started, I just need to get my inspiration for it resparked. But really, I would love it if all the fics in that series got attention because they all contribute to the idea of the characters not just standing by, waiting for the next story arc to hit them. They're doing stuff, learning things, growing closer together, and more! Some fics are more thorough than others but I'm jsut happy with myself for taking to time to give any attention at all to these story ideas that I wanted to see written out.

[polyamorouspunk]

sleepover friday thing and im sorry if i've already sent you an ask about this, i have the worst memory in the world at the best of times. with that out of the way... how do i cope with my orientation doing a 180? my whole life, starting from when i was about 10, ive identified as a lesbian. i exclusively dated girls (or people who identified as girls at the time anyway) and non-binary people. i was only attracted to girls and non-binary people. when i thought about being married in the future, it was always to a woman or non-binary person.

then i met my soulmate and he was a man. i dont use the term lightly either -- im talking about love at first meeting, spending time together as often as possible, sharing secrets, the whole thing. i plan on getting a tattoo dedicated to him. i still called myself a lesbian, just with one exception, because he was the only man i ever loved. and then he went dormant and hasnt come back (hence the tattoo).

then i started noticing i sometimes got crushes on men but not very often. now it's a couple years later and it struck me the other day that i don't think i'm sexually attracted to women anymore. just men and non-binary people. and it really threw me for a loop. ive been a lesbian my whole life but now im not? i'm almost exclusively (sexually) xlm now. which is certainly hard to deal with since i'm dating someone who is woman-aligned.

this is really long im so sorry i didnt mean to ramble so much akskfkf but do you have any words of advice for someone whose identity flipped on its head and feels lost now

I doubt that I’m going to say anything revolutionary here, so I’m just going to talk.

Things change for everyone. Different things change for different people. I don’t want to discount the experiences of certain people like men who are attracted to cis women exclusively, women who are attracted to cis men specifically, men who are only attracted to men, women who only attracted to women, etc. When I say stuff like “sexuality is fluid” it’s in the same way you say “gender is fluid” knowing that for some people it 100% isn’t, but it CAN be.

Some people have a very hard time accepting that sexuality can be fluid. It’s been pointed out before that some people are all for playing around with your gender and calling yourself a woman as a cis man in drag or calling yourself a liquid because your gender is so fluid or going “none of the above” in those gender questions or any amount of things like that. But as soon as someone implies that sometimes you can be a lesbian and sometimes you can be a gay man and those things can coincide or change certain people get really up in arms.

Complicated sexualities and gender have been around longer than any of us, and certainly around longer than tumblr and the internet. Perhaps my own favorite example is talking about how bisexuals and lesbians used to fall under the same or at least a more similar label in Stone Butch Blues. Before the phenomenon of lesbian separatists.

Bisexual lesbians and pansexual gays and all those kinds of things, while perhaps POPULARIZED by social media, existed long before that. Why is the idea that trans people existed before tumblr not a novel idea but the fact that perhaps wlw were all lumped under the phrase “lesbian” because there were women with more complicated sexualities like might fit under the label “bi lesbian” today wild and unacceptable to some people?

The idea that you can call yourself a lesbian exclusively but have some exceptions or call yourself gay exclusively but have an exception or hell even call yourself straight but have an exception is not a new thing. I, personally, love straight cisgender male content creators who say shit like “I’m not gay but I would make out with that man”. Cracks me the fuck up. I want more of that shit. But suddenly if a lesbian says “I’m not straight but I would make out with that man” it’s like woah woah woah are you sure you’re REALLY a lesbian?

Plenty of people who are straight/gay/lesbian fully accept that you can ID as one of those things and still use that label if you have on exception or even a few. Some do not, and will say if your thoughts even stray from your assigned sex of attraction then you are not allowed to use that label.

There will people who will say you can’t call yourself a lesbian if you’ve had sex with a man before even if you didn’t enjoy it. Gold star lesbian mentality.

The idea of sexuality being fluid is sadly a controversial one, as is every facet of being “in the community”. But for many people it is.

I see it a lot like coming to terms that you are not in fact cisgender. You go your whole life believing, truly believing, that you are a cis girl perhaps, until suddenly one day you realize you are NOT. Maybe there weren’t “signs” that you were trans along the way. Maybe one day it just hit you like a ton of bricks. What do you do? How do you cope?

Well. How do you cope with any other thing that hits you like a ton of bricks? How do you cope with someone you thought loved you deciding to dump you and never speak to you again in a day? How do you cope with being fired from a job you felt so secure in and planned on being in for at least another decade? How do you cope with the unexpected death of a loved one?

Over time. You try not to stress it. You try and move through your days by keeping it in the back of your mind until time has dulled that immediate pain enough for you to reconsider. The pain isn’t going to go away. But it can become manageable. You cannot deal with things if you are screaming and crying and hyperventilating and throwing things. You need to wait until you’re not doing any of those things in order to deal with the issue at hand, for a vivid and extreme example.

What does it mean to you to be xlm? I call myself a bi lesbian. On this blog I call myself trans masc and mlm. On my main I’m a [girl] and a bi lesbian. To me that means I, Savanna, personally will have sex with people who have a vagina, as someone who also has a vagina. Be they trans men, trans women, cis women, nonbinary/other. I do not like the idea of having sex with an actual flesh and blood and cummy dick, HOWEVER I’m open enough to say “I haven’t really been in a position in my life right now where someone has wanted to jam their dick inside of me, so I haven’t really had to worry about that. If it comes to that point, I can’t say for sure that I’m going to be like ‘ew no a dick’ even though I do not like dicks. Depending on the person and the situation I might be willing to make an exception.” And hey. There are people I might be with who have a vagina that I might just be like hey you know what? I don’t want to have sex. For whatever reason.

Your partner is woman-aligned, so I’m sure in your mind that’s not something you’re aesthetically attracted to right now. But sexually might you be? Do you think you’re having another exception to your sexuality like you did before?

Try your best not to worry about it and try to come to any conclusions until you’ve given it some time. I’m not sure how long it’s been since you came to this realization, maybe it’s been a few days, maybe it’s been a few weeks. But take the time you need to not make an emotional response to it in regards to your current relationship. Do what you’re doing and talk to other people about it. When you’re ready, you should talk to your partner about it. Perhaps there’s accommodations and arrangements that can be made. I’ve said before even though I’m transmasc here like if a cishet guy wanted to date me only as his gf I would be willing to compromise on my gender expression for that most likely. My gender isn’t a huge deal to me. Things like that.

Take it slow and take your time. Don’t make any rash decisions. Talk it out. Don’t worry about feeling like you “made a mistake” or are “living a lie”. We wouldn’t tell someone who came out as trans things like that, so much as gender changes and/or is fluid so is sexuality.

[danpuff-ao3]

Rarepair Tag Game

Thanks for the tag @cindle-writes!

Tagging: @writcraft, @perverse-idyll, @lizzy0305, @tackytigerfic, @sitp-recs, @consistentsquash, @mxlfoydraco, @wolfpants, @crazybutgood, @siriusly-sapphic, @stonedregulus, @broomsticks, @phoebe-delia, @nv-md, @ashesandhackles, @teacup-tai, @billsfangearring, @snapesnailtape, @fangqueen, @charlotterhea, and uhhh...anyone else who wants to play? And no pressure to the zillion people I tagged. It's just for funsies and I'm curious about what folks like! 😄

Rules: List the top rarepairs that you like outside of your OTP, and why you ship it! (Criteria for what makes a rarepair is up to your own discretion.)

My OTP is Snarry and I'm pretty sure most ships I like outside of Snarry are rarepairs haha! Let's seeeee...🤔

Harry/Scorpius

As I like to say: Snarry is my husband, and Scarry is the hot poolboy. I am a devoted wife, I swear, but sometimes...Well, sometimes a gal fantasizes about the poolboy, what can I say? 🤷‍♀️ I often struggle shipping Harry or Severus with other people, but Scarry feels less like a struggle and more like temptation. And while I find Young Severus ships easier to read (as I can imagine all roads lead to Snarry), I suppose Scarry can be enjoyed in the terrible universe in which Harry's actual soulmate was gone. (Not me vehemently defending myself for my guilty pleasure ship, noooo 😂)

Anyway, all that to say, I often wondered why I shipped Scarry myself. Why it's so much easier for me to enjoy than other Harry ships. Sure, it has the age gap thing going for it. And "son's best friend" going for it. And "son of my childhood rival" thing. Okay so yeah maybe it does make sense. 😂 What it lacks (in my imaginings) is all the fire I generally am drawn to, but ah well. It has enough else going in its favor. And really, what I'm only just now recognizing is that this sort of came together for me the same way Snarry did: my great love of the characters separately. I read the Cursed Child and fell in love with sweet cinnamon roll Scorpius. Which turned into...me being into Scarry!

Of course in my brain it happens one of two very specific ways 😂 Either Severus is...not there. For reasons. And Harry moves on with Scorpius one day. OR it's a one sided crush on Scorpius' end, which I am also hecka into. Who doesn't like a bit of unrequited love?? (At least, when their OTP isn't suffering for it.)

Draco/Sirius

I'M OBSESSED. WHY IS THERE NOT MORE OF THIS SHIP OUT THERE???? I CRY. Ahem. Anyway.

It's the age gap. It's the cousin incest. It's the "hooking up with my rival's godfather." It's the Gryffindor vs Slytherin of it. It's the Order and Death Eater of it. Also...they're both really pretty. 🤷‍♀️ Those good good Black genes, you know?

Also I just feel like...it can work. One of those things that might start off as sex and becomes really serious even though they both refuse to admit it for the longest time?

Sirius likes a challenge, I think, and Draco can provide one. And there's much more depth to Draco than I think Sirius might initially give him credit for. I see him as being a bit vain and a bit proud, but also insecure and vulnerable. He's sassy and bratty, and spoiled, but also with a lot of hurt and a lot of problems he himself might not be fully aware of. It's the complications and contradictions the Black family knows so well, and Sirius can understand Draco at that level better than most people, but also isn't so tied to family tradition that he can help pull Draco away from it. Sirius can shake up Draco's world a bit. Show him fun, silly things like bars and motorcycles and crappy Muggle flats. But also introduce him to freedom, and letting loose, and finding himself outside of that "Malfoy heir" identity, the way Sirius ran away from his "Black heir" identity.

I don't think Draco will pull away as much as Sirius did, and Sirius will understand enough to meet Draco where he is. And he knows the world Draco comes from enough to integrate into it when he needs to. And I think they'll find a lot of understanding and acceptance together, and learn a lot together, and explore a lot together, and be really chaotic and intense and messy together, and find so much joy and contentment together.

I have many Drarius feelings and I really need to write more of them one day.

Snape/Filch

Delphi sure SOLD me on this one, geez Louise. This is one of those I don't think is forever, but is meaningful and impactful to both parties. (It's gotta end Snarry, y'know? 👀) Love the age gap. And I love it best when it's student/caretaker. Maybe New Professor/caretaker, even. I love the idea of these two outcasts coming together and finding comfort together, and being able to appreciate each other in ways other people don't.

They both have their bitterness, and their sense of cruelty. They're both overlooked and unappreciated. Filch as the Squib looking after a magical castle full of magical people. The butt of many jokes. And Severus, the half-blood, the poor kid, the ugly kid. From a rough background, and surrounded by peers of much better circumstance. Targeted by the Marauders (who cause Filch enough trouble, too.)

It's fascinating to me, to see Filch, who doesn't seem to like much of anyone, being drawn to Snape. Sort of feeling a kindred spirit in some ways. A sense of camaraderie in the way Snape is seen, and treated, by others. Severus' broodiness and bitterness. But mostly sparked by some stunt pulled by the Marauders.

And Filch being the one to see how amazing Severus is. How intelligent and skilled, but looked over in favor of more handsome and charming and well-connected students. And I can see him being a bit torn between smug pride over how similar they are, and sharing that feeling of "yeah people don't see what I'm capable of, either" and then part of him growing to really care for Severus and wanting better for him and wanting others to actually see Severus the way Filch does. And Severus appreciating that, and feeling seen and safe with someone, at least to the extent that he can feel those things. (Wary as he is.) And really enjoying the affection he gets, and pleasure from their physical relationship. And maybe learning at least some small sense of self-worth and confidence in his own physicality.

One day I'm going to write the Snilch-turned-Snarry of my dreams and it's gonna be great, and in the meantime, a gal can dream.

Ginny/Gwenog

LISTEN. 2 lady athletes being hot together? Why not?? Of course with Gwenog being barely more than a mention, a lot of this is built on headcanon for her, but like...

Quidditch hero Gwenog. I like to headcanon her as a Slytherin (primarily due to a Snegurochka fic.) She's a Slug Club alum. She's a famous athlete. So I like to imagine her as a bit arrogant, and sure of herself. And maybe there initially being a "don't meet your heroes" moment between Gwenog and Ginny wherein Ginny very quickly loses her admiration of Gwenog because they meet at the wrong time (imagine they meet at some Slughorn event, haha.) But as Ginny loses interest in Gwenog, Gwenog's interest in Ginny is sparked.

Then one day they meet on the pitch, either as teammates or rivals. Either could be fun! And sort of coming together over their love of the sport and Ginny realizing there's more to Gwenog than first impression led her to believe. Also: there's at least some sorta age gap there, which you KNOW I love!

Also I love the idea of tabloids painting Ginny some type of way when she moves from a high profile relationship with Harry Potter: hero to a high profile relationship with Gwenog Jones: celebrity athlete. And maybe unfairly getting a reputation as a fame whore. And Ginny being super bitter about it because they don't understand!!!!

Anyway basically there's a lot of fun to be had.

Also I have weirdly specific feelings about tall Ginny. Just this tall pretty redhead athlete with short!Harry, and then moving onto her shorter butch girlfriend Gwen. Idk but really tall and more femme Ginny just does it for me. Like...she's like "I have long hair and I can pull off pretty dresses, but also I have the Bat Bogey Hex mastered, and I'll kick your ass on the pitch" and I respect that.

Hermione/Lavender

My newest obsession weirdly??? Even though I've read hardly any fics for it and there's no age gap to be seen. 🤨 Love me some Hermione/Fleur you know (my favorite Hermione ship still), and Hermione/Minerva and Hermione/Narcissa, but lately Hermione/Lavender is doing it for me on an almost opposites attract level?

This gives me a big impression of two people with the wrong idea of each other and having to face their own biases once they start to connect on some level. And then both being Ron's exes is hilarious. Bonus points for that. And imagine them as a longterm couple and they laugh years later over it. "Remember how we both dated the same guy? And we were jealous of each other? And now we're madly in love? Haha, life is funny."

Like, yeah, Hermione can be a bit bossy and fussy, and opinionated and judgmental in her own way. A bit self-righteous. Lavender isn't a very academic sort of person, but she's not dumb, and she's very brave. I like the idea of Lavender finding respect and admiration for Hermione only once she moves past Hermione being "very smart." And even Hermione sees so much of her value tied to her intelligence, and Lavender finding value literally everywhere else. How loyal Hermione is, how passionate she is, her love of travel and culture, etc.

And Hermione having to look past Lavender's "silliness" and face just how judgmental she is, and having to come to grips with yeah Lavender likes to gossip, and dress up, and she's very romantic, and she's interested in Divination, but there's also more to her than that. And that there is still value in things Lavender enjoys even if Hermione doesn't care for them herself, or even "believe" in them. And Hermione finding value in Lavender beyond how pretty she is, or how playful (especially postwar when Lavender maybe deals with heavy scarring and trauma and maybe heavy blows to her self-esteem.) And maybe being seen and recognized for better qualities even she maybe didn't think of herself as having, such as being quite brave and quite strong.

I dunno I just really want to explore them and all of the potential gives me many feelings.

[nana-and-ren707]

Sorry i see you are a nana fan so i want to ask you a thing , Does nana actually love ren? Or yasu more? In 50 chapter i was so confused for shins speech

shin said that nana actually in love with yasu

When nobu and shin see shion go in yasus room , they were all anxious about because nana s reaction .

but nobu has replied “dont say that! She is marrying ren!” Mmmmso i think now that her true love is yasu.. poor ren😢

…And so many clues in the story , example in the chapter 69 whe yasu said thanks nana and that “thanku” was so beautiful for her she cried for the happy .. so may chapters after shion say to misato that a “thank you“ sometime is more rewarding than “i love u” if it comes from the person we love more

I know , ren has made SO MANY mistakes and in know yasu Is perfect but I believed that nana and ren were soulmates no matter what …happened . I so sad fo ren… i know.. its crazy, yasu and nana are so special but i still believed that nana x ren was more , no matter what.. till now 😮‍💨

Ren is my favorite character in nana. that’s why he is to dear to me .. my only hope is that his love is reciprocated by nana.. for real

aahhh I don’t understand what ai yazawa wants to say to us sometimes that i get angry really much. Love is not perfect sometimes… that shion theory’s so deep that i wanna scream 😂 nana was so happy for a thanku .. omg .. Ai Yazawa please.. ren is so lonely in the end.

What do you think about it? So sorry for my bad English !

Helloo and thank you for asking, I love discussing NANA always ♥

I've been confused, and I think we have all been confused just like you with these occurences to Nana being in love with Yasu, I'm pretty sure Yazawa Ai made all these on purpose just to upset us T..T and as Ren and Nana are my favorite character and favorite couple in the serie, I can tell you I was really upset!

But I'm gonna answer your question, as a Nana&Ren fan : I think she really does love Ren, more than anybody. :-)

I can't help but have a lot in common with Nana, I wasn't abandoned by my mother but I felt quite lonely my whole life, not being able to connect to anyone... until I met that one man. It's another kind of love, I swear, to meet someone that heal you from your sadness, from your loneliness, that becomes a shelter, a light in the dark, the ONLY light. The person became a GOD for you, so you can imagine the devastation when you're left by that one person. And there come Yasu! He's sweet, he's nice, he's always available, always a good hear when you need him... I think Nana really wanted to fall in love with him, she knew it would be a healthiest relationship for her... but she did not. She loved him, but she was not in love with him (at the risk of being scolded by their shipers, I think it goes the same with Hachi x Nobu :p). She cannot love anyone else than Ren, and that's one of the reason why she's quite upset

Do you remember this? That one scene in which she realizes that Yasu will not be able to "save" her - from Ren!

Concerning the scene with Nobu and Shin, "think about the way Nana feels about him", we understand in the serie that Nana is a very possessive person, she wants the person she loves to belong to her, completely. I am a very possessive person too, and it's very complicated to see someone who's interested in you being interested in someone else, because you really feel abandoned. Even if you cannot give love to the person, you need the person to love you, only you. Another interesting cap :

I think That's exactly what she'd like! That yasu keeps on looking after her, without loving anyone else, even if she is unable to give him love (because she loves Ren more :p)

The last two things that I wanted to underline, are the fact that Nana is not that upset about Myu and Yasu relationship. She's a bit angry, but she was in love with Yasu it would be the end of the world for her.

+ I have also noticed, and I don't know if you will agree with me, that as long as the things go well with Ren, Nana doesn't really need Yasu, she runs to him when the things go wrong, doesn't she?

+If she was in love with Yasu, she would have dated him during the two years of breakup with Ren, right? :-)

But this is just my opinion you know, maybe I'm wrong , maybe she's in love with Yasu and the clues you listed are quite relevant too! But I hope my answer managed to make you believe in Nana and Ren for ever ♥

Your English is not bad at all, I wish you a very nice weekend honey ♥

[grapecaseschoices]

I know Lloyd and Hayden are quite new ocs, but I was if we could get some facts about them as well pls. 👀👀

Ty anon for indulging me. I would LOVE to speak about Lloyd and Hayden.

Lloyd

- i think I've mentioned but Lloyd has been into Uma all his life. But he never saw it as such. He just was like oh yeah this is my platonic SOULMATE but one of the few things that could get him Upset was Uma spending a lot of attention with anyone not him and Travis [and to an extant Wanda. Suddenly getting the feeling he would glare holes into Js head. Djhdhdhd J probably made him feel inadequate]

- Other than his possessiveness re: Uma [which he tried to curve] and the way Travis could wind him up easily into an argument, Lloyd was rather chill. In part because I think it is a default of being easily overwhelmed, so it is easier to stay quiet. But it is also just an observant person. It is easy to see when you're not talking.

- He loves music. But he also enjoys playing video games. I think he is a pretty dedicated gamer [don't ask me what he's into but I bet it's singleplayer games unless it is rpg stuff ]. It is not to his passion of music but he loves it. It is definitely a calming thing and something he does for fun. He can be shy sharing about his music but you can get him Talking about games.

- He also loves to read. But I don't think he likes getting into reading discussions because people can get pretentious. Also he likes romance novels and really doesn't want to deal with peoples judgments on that/ I imagine that is probably another thing that gets him huffy.

- I don't think he is going to be close to any of his family [don't quote me on it]. Except maybe his uncle. He admires Deon a lot, tho. And I think he knows Maude loves him but it isn't hard not to connect her to people he had to please -- but at least he isn't afraid of her.

- I know I mentioned he likes going shirtless. But he also loves sweater vests [wearing just that] and leaving his buttons unbuttoned. If you don't see his chest its because he is wearing a sweater sweater, he loves those too. The softer the better. Maybe he will learn how to knit.

- He has real good dexterity and spatial awareness.

- He genuinely loves NYC. It is home to him. It doesn't matter how loud, rude, or whatever it can get. He loves it.

- He used to take pictures of Bodega cats to share with travis.

- his biggest vices are smoking and self flagellation. I don't think he is a big drinker and he doesn't curse. Much. In fact I feel when he does curse you know he is PISSED.

- Other than smoking, one of his biggest acts of Rebellion was his hair. Once he got older he very rarely cuts it. It is often shaggy and sometimes two toned. Usually black and blonde. Or dark brown and white. Other than that, before dropping out, he was a Good and Obedient boy.

- He really is so disgustingly in love with Uma [and Travis]. How doesn't realize is beyond me. Maybe its from a life time of self suppression.

Hayden

- I said I wasn't sure if Hayden dated Jean or Jade. But more and more I think it is Jean. I think it would be interesting to explore Jean needing to keep the relationship private vs Hayden was always so... Hayden. Even before she found the language she was looking for [realizing she is trans when she was younger, realizing she is bi until recently], she was always SO ... as confidentially herself as she could be. So it will be interesting to sus out those past complicated feelings and work on current healing so they can be together now.

- Hayden's style is very much masc. Picture a stud queer lady and you will see Hayden. Sweatpants with hoodies, curly hair pulled up with an undercut. Headbamd and rolled up t-shirt. The SNEAKERS. [/sorry I'm just swooning over my own character] But she also loves like vintage bowling shirts and overside shirts with ~chill and cute prints [like fruits and dark flowers etc]

- She has tattoos. I don't know what they are yet but she does.

- Hayden wears glasses. She prefers round ones, usually metal frame and large. Shes been wearing glasses most her life.

- I think Hayden is gonna be short. I think under 5'3. She has a muscular frame.

- Hayden did a lot of sports when she was younger. She was a bit stocky too as a bb. She was on the wrestling and [gridiron] football teams in HS. And football when she was in middle school too. Mma recreationally at the local Y. That said she can be a little bit if a butter fingers.

- Hayden is very big hearted and I don't see her as a big grudge holder. But she isn't naive about it. She is also a gremlin. I picture her as a human with the zoomies. She is positive and happy go lucky, but she is also highly sarcastic with a big mouth. So you will probably get your feelings hurt with a bright smile. [I'm still figuring out her vibe. Like I can SEE it but I can't spell it out. But a quote I have for her is 'She is water. Powerful enough to drown you, soft enough to cleanse you...'

- She recently realized she is bi but Kai is gonna one of the first she puts her moves on. So it will be fun.

[castlebyersafterdark]

ok funny story... so im always reluctant to discuss star wars because i absolutely do not consider myself a fan. but i did have a winter where i was so into the sequel (?) movies and probably watched them a freakish amount? but i never engaged in any fandom, just discussed them with my family, who loved the originals when they came out. i mean, star wars is that odd thing where so many people have seen and loved it that its almost like... who didnt enjoy that crazy romp you know? doesnt make you A Fan.

i'd seen the originals when i was a kid and enjoyed them, but not watched them since. and so when the sequels came to cinemas, i was surprised by how emotional i got hearing that familiar music in the trailer. i enjoyed them with friends who were secretly massive star wars nerds (NEVER would have guessed, these people were otherwise super mainstream and 'cool' lol).

it wasnt until i saw the third one... rise of skywalker? see, even the names confuse me haha. it was winter of 2019, and i had just watched... wait for it... stranger things 3! haha!

so basically i had a showing booked and dragged myself there with friends, because i was actually super into st3 at the time and wanted to keep watching that lol. i'd delayed watching ST3 in summer, because i'd turned off the first episode as soon as they butchered mike and eleven lmao. PISSED. so gave up. returned half a year later, stubborn as hell, and loved the scoops storyline. had given up on mileven. will was obviously gay, i was sad, cos i knew it meant heartbreak and pain was coming. little did i know. ANYWAY.

so we get to the movies and i get SO INTO STAR WARS.

i just loved the epicness, the vibe, i was emotional and loved the camp of it all, but mostly the worldbuilding, like - that kintsugi helmet? kylo ren with the glowing red cracked helmet? i eat up that stylistic shit. he was iconic. i rewatched the previous two again and just got so into it and the whole thing.

honestly it was such a fever dream and i havent watched or thought about them since, except to be like 'oh yeah, that was when i was watching st3 for the first time'. so my question to you vinny, is.... do you think that there actually was any romance between kylo ren and rey? were fans reading into it? was their kiss romantic or was it a complex, deep thank you and soulful connection, a goodbye?

i saw so many people angry that he just died after they kissed, and sometimes it reminds me of stranger things and byler. like, how pissed people would be if will or mike just died after they kissed. but i err on the side of understanding that... well, yeah, relationships are complex. and if i met someone who was a soulmate and saved the world with them, and wanted to thank them intimately, i could see how a kiss does not always mean sex or romance. sometimes it means love, desperate emotion, intensity, idk. its odd being outside of it now, looking back at how upset i was at the time. i wonder if i'll feel that way in future about ST, if s5 doesnt go the way i want. how odd it'll be to look back and be like 'oh yeah, remember when i was SO into that. ah well.' I mean, that's what i did when s3 dropped.

This was a really fun anecdote, thank you for sharing!! I love hearing how other people got into things and it's interesting how much of a cultural pillar Star Wars is and yet, there's so many different times and ways that people get into it, or not get into it, people's relationships with the franchise.

Now - you gotta take my opinions as someone who grew up really into them, when I was younger I loved the originals but as a kid thought the prequels were super cool (not so much as I got older but I'm at least fond for nostalgia sake). I... have complicated feelings about the sequels. But, that's ok to have different experiences!! I think it meant something very different to us. I, being someone who had a lifetime of liking Star Wars stuff, having opinions, considering myself a Fan. But, a fan who has an issue with the typical Star Ward fanboy (I think we can recognize the type). I wasn't the fondest of the sequel movies just because I had hiiiiiiiigh expectations and the story wasn't what I thought it was gonna be.

Gotta hand it to them for world building and evocative emotions based on design and set. Defining element that makes Star Wars is what it is. With you there!! Oh, the camp is there, for sure. Which is partially why I much rank Originals -> Prequels -> Sequels (though most Fans and non-fans rank this way). But, we take away different things from the same media.

Rey and Kylo. Oh boy. What a can of worms. May just be Theeee controversial relationship of our era. I... can't say I'm the most fond but I can't say I'm the most fond of many decisions in those movies. But - not as vitriol inducing as many online feel. I'm very eh, but I'm eh on the whole of it. The thing is - I'm not against the idea of this enemies to lovers thing that people seem to put those two into, but it's just kinda weirdly portrayed. I don't know. I really don't know if that was really romance. I only saw Rise of Skywalker once and that was enough for me. I think Kylo always was gonna die with the way they formatted the series. It was weird. It was just a weird relationship. I'm still not sure I bought the romance? I just think t could have been good but to me it wasn't and then he just dies like that? But I was much more concerned with other characters outcomes so he was almost an after thought to me by that point.

I have so many complicated emotions about that sequel series I don't even know how to talk about it so condensed right now because everyone's very focused on that relationship but it's genuinely the least of my problems with the series and I don't know that I want to dig into all of it. MESSY.

But... gosh, thinking of that kind of storyline and fate for Byler really makes me boil. No!! I find no catharsis in the series long build up and One Big Moment and then - tragic, it's over. Ugh. Blah. Gag. I hate it, actually. There's a difference where something truly is a tragedy instead of just having a tragic end for cheap emotion. I'd find it cheap emotion! Like so soooo many decisions in SW. So much in the new movies felt unearned. And for Byler, we've earned a happy ending. To give us the horribly sad ending? That's so cruel. Sometimes tragedy feels good, in that we feel something moving. I have to be honest and I don't think Mike or Will dying right after confession love or sharing a kiss would feel moving (and spoiler spoiler I don't believe we have to worry about this at all, just riffing).

Sorry this was kind of a disaster of an ask. SW is very very very messy and complicated in my brain and cracking open that can of worms is why I let this ask sit for a few weeks before answering and I still don't have much to say. And also an ending point - if anyone really loved the sequel series - I feel no love lost! It's all good!! Like I said, the same media can mean very different things to different people.

[r0ttingsystem]

Felt cute, might delete later :3 -G

a little (very long) vent from grian (co written by Lio because grian is dumb)

Technically collective vent too? Idk

Tw description of abuse (emotional, sexual), grooming?

I don't understand what's wrong with my brain

I miss her

And I miss how she made me feel

She made me feel so special

Which yea makes sense I guess because she borderline groomed me

But like

I miss the bad shit

I miss when she would make me go into crisis almost daily because she just felt like it (I'm being so fr rn, she would laugh afterwards) because when she did that it would 1) mean that we would be talking in call and 2) she would baby me and coddle me afterwards

I miss when I would have to beg and cry for her to not make me do sexual shit (which rarely worked btw) and I miss when I would cry and scream and fake orgasms so she would let me stop because I would have her full attention and she would care for me after

I miss her stressing me out so much that I would regress constantly (this was before I became permanently a little due to her, fun fact but I'm normally meant to be 14/15 and not 4)

I miss being put to bed

I miss being on call 24/7

I miss being cared for

I was happy, I would be constantly in fight or flight mode because she would get cold and sometimes threaten to harm herself if I didn't do what she wanted, but I was happy

I was cared for, only if I did what she said and didn't talk to anyone else, but I was cared for

She calmed me down after panic attacks, she would stay on call at all times and would do stuff with me, she would be there

Then she got cold

And left

I remember that night

I remember waiting her for to reply, looking at the chat like a dog waiting for its owner for literal hours

I remember my heart dropping when I realized she wasn't going to reply

I keep looking for her in all the people we talk to

I keep looking for someone who'll show the same amount of care she did

Even if they hurt me, they'll at least make me feel special

Nobody is like her, which is guess is good? I don't know

But that means that everyone is "cold"

And I keep feeling like they're about to leave

If they don't talk to me 24/7 they might as well leave right?

I know that's not the case but It feels like it

And it hurts so bad

So. Fucking. Bad.

I can feel my heart being ripped out of my chest every time I catch myself blankly looking at our chats, waiting for them to reply

It feels like that whole year is replaying in my head in one second

That that happens every day, multiple times

It hurts

And it's so hard to come to terms that nobody is going to love me

And I understand, I'm too much work, genuinely too much work

I'm too much

But I'm looking for love everywhere I can, but I won't find it

I know I won't find it

Nobody deserves to have to deal with the mess that is me

I'm GLAD nobody has to deal with me, but it hurts

I just want love

I just want to be cared for

But that's too much to ask for

I believe in soulmates, but I don't think mine exists

I'm beginning to understand that other people aren't "right person wrong time" or "wrong person right time" for me, I'm the wrong person, and it'll always be the wrong time

I wish I wasn't like this

I wish I didn't make all of us like this, so difficult, so complicated

I'm so sorry, to everyone

I'm sorry to my headmates

I'm sorry to my family

I'm sorry to my mom

I'm sorry to my brothers

I'm sorry to everyone

I'm sorry to our friends

I'm sorry to lilly

I'm sorry to eirhnh

I'm sorry to Connor

I'm sorry to jack

I'm sorry to angelos

I'm sorry to basilis

I'm sorry to valentina

I'm sorry to eudokia and despina and everyone else

I'm more then sorry to Comet-Collective, who's seen a lot of the uglier sides of me

I'm sorry

I'm sorry to everyone who's had the displeasure of talking to me

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry

I wish I wasn't like this too

I wish I didn't exist too

I try to numb myself into not existing but it never works

I promise I'll find a way to make it up to all of you

I'll find a way to make knowing me worth it

Until then, I'm sorry

[chemicalcarousel]

questions taken from this post

just answering all of these for myself because i can and i don't wanna wait for potential asks

Hi! Who are you right now?

I'm Levi ✌

How do know its you thats out? What are your usual cues?

Uhh good fucking question. i feel like a guy ig (dysphoria). and i have very strong feelings of justice and i get very pissed when ppl aren't treated right (im super vengeful). i also dissociate a lot when im confronted with my source and i think my voice is lower and im less "all over the place" than some of the other alters? i'm more "relaxed" ig, even if my emotions can get very strong and bordering black/white

Do you like it when people know its You and not the collective whole? Is it situational, or depends on the person?

It's complicated. i feel very exposed and i'm nervous what other people will think of me since i'm a fictional introject of a very popular anime character. i'm also worrying about which impression we as a collective have on the people around us, and if they know we are a DID system and which alters we got, then they might treat us in some weird fucking way (and let's be honest - that's the reality of it) but on the other hand, i feel so lonely and invisible when i'm talking to my friends and they don't know that i even exist, ya kno? i'd wish i could be myself around my friends and i'm still trying to find out if that is possible

What sort of aesthetics do you draw to?

i guess darker ones? like black and red. i like grunge and punk too. i also fuck with traumacore, again especially black/white and red shit. angry shit. im an edgy little man

What do you look like?

pretty much like my source, i just wear different clothes ig here's some pics xoxo

What sort of emotions do you feel mostly when you’re out?

anger, grief, vengefulness, idk man i'm ready to punch a bitch lol

What sort of situations are you out in most of the time?

I'm a host, but other than that i'm always the one going to sleep and i am the one that doesn't hate ourselves ig. i'm not gonna blame us for what other people did or do to us, ya kno. i'm a protector

Are there other parts like you in the same system?

we have another introject of the same character, but he's nothing like me or our source. so no, i think i'm the only alter like me in this body?

Are you part of a subsystem?

no, i don't think we have subsystems

What’s your relationship like to the parts nearest to you right now?

idk, kinda like roommates or "found family"? i'm not sure who's close rn tho, but i'm chill with all the alters i know

Do you have vague memories of before you came out, or do they feel blocked out?

i have no idea what this means. i think it means before i fronted and yeah we kinda have a "shared consciousness", but sometimes i realise i don't have all the pieces of what happened, but it's mostly greyouts and emotional amnesia

What’s your favorite way to ground?

nature, fidget toys, drinking something tasty

Do you have a favorite snack or drink?

idk i love coffee ig. i like food in general lol

Do you have a favorite item in the present world?

hmm... can't think of one item, but i have some clothing and other stuff that i like. i love flannel shirts and i love pretty teacups

Do you have an inner world? Do you have a place you like in there?

nah, not really. it's just a black void. we haven't been able to construct one and nothing has seemed to pop up yet

Whats a simple way other parts might describe you to like a therapist or something?(they’re the fierce one, the sad one, ect)

the angry/vengeful one/the fight response one

What’s the safest thing you can imagine right now?

so pathetic, but ig that's a part of why i was created. but the safest thing i can imagine is the guy i see as my soulmate (erwin), but he's a fucking anime character from my source and has never and will never be real. but he's such a comfort for me and thereby the entire system. i just wish he was actually real lol i definitely haven't cried myself to sleep because he's a drawing ahahaha :')

What’s something you wish the system would do more of?

stand up for ourselves. but i do understand why other parts don't do this and i don't blame them. i'd just wish they didn't feel this fear and shame

What’s your handwriting like?

idk ugly? i think all of us have an ugly handwriting lmfao

Free space! Tell me a random fact about you or something you’re thinking about

uhh rn im dissociating bc we are opening up to a friend about our DID and it's making all of us nervous, so that's what's in my thoughts. a random fact could be that i fucking love making fun of my source and i love making fans mad lmfao

[smutteedreams]

ABYSMAL HEART (part 1)

Itachi x Reader

WARNINGS: sfw, angst, anxiety

a/n: i havent been very consistent with uploading fics, ik ik, and im sorry. im going through a terrible writer's block, among other shitty stuff and haven't been in the best frame of mind lately so whatever i am putting out isn't quite upto the mark but please bear with me

ALSO, requests are open but for a short time only since my finals are coming up soon

"It's getting quite late. Shouldn't you be heading home?"

Ino asks you as you flip through pages and pages of reports and proofread the drafts on your computer.

"Yeah I will, I just have a few proposals to write and then I'll be done."

"You have been working overtime a lot these past couple of months. Are you taking care of yourself?"

Working overtime is better than having to go back to an empty home.

"Yeah yeah, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. I think your cab's here."

Ino gives you a light hug before heading off, her long blonde mane swishing at her waist. You keep on typing robotically for a few more hours, chug two or so more cups of mediocre coffee before you feel your neck and back begging for a break and realize that the inevitable is upon you as you pack up your stuff and make your way to the parking lot.

Lately, you've noticed that sometimes the drive back home triggers your anxiety- your furious tapping and scratching has left marks on the steering wheel.

"I wonder if he's asleep-no, I hope he's asleep", you muse. The traffic signals changed and only the raging horns and incoherent curses of fellow drivers break you out of your daze and you drive off.

Your home isn't empty per se. Its more so...lonely. As soon as you step inside, you can tell he's awake and groan internally. You kick off your shoes and walk to the fridge to grab a drink.

"Hey..", you try to get some sort of conversation going but only receive a nod acknowledging your presence in return.

You open the fridge and stand there, initially trying to decide what you want to quench your thirst but slowly getting lost in your thoughts.

"You shouldn't keep the fridge open for so long, the electricity bill is no joke."

"Yeah, I know..."

but this marriage is.

You plop down on the couch, Itachi's back facing you while you sip on the beer. He's typing away, forehead crinkling and stress lines getting deeper, working on god knows what.

"Boy all those graphs and numbers, it all looks so complicated."

"Yes but with patience and some research, its easy enough."

You look at the few feet distance between you and him that feel like a dimensionless void, one you cannot cross. Your body tingles and chills as the dim light bounces off of the shining metal band on your ring finger and you reminisce how your life is in dire contrast to all the emotions and notions it symbolizes. You want to reach him, stretch your hand and caress his hair, maybe pull it out of the loose ponytail. Maybe that's what you need to do. Maybe if you just show him a little more affection, he will stop being so distant, maybe-

"I'm leaving for a business trip tomorrow. Its important."

His cold voice stops your hand short of touching him.

"O-ok. How long will you be gone?"

"A month." The finality in his voice unnerves you more than you can comprehend.

"Did this just come up?" You ask, hoping he'll say yes.

"No. I've known about it for a few weeks."

That one last sentence is all it took to break your facade as you feel your heart shatter into a million pieces. You get up and walk away, sobbing and praying he doesn't see your tears. You turn the hallway leading to your room as you hear him call from the couch-

"Don't bother packing anything for me, I have already packed my-"

You slam the door shut before he can finish and bolt the lock. Your eyes land on a picture frame atop your desk- its a photograph of you and Itachi on your wedding day. You were smiling and blushing as he kissed your cheek. You remember the photographer calling you both soulmates.

You pick up the frame and the last crumbs of resilience in you dust away and your knees buck as your body falls limp on the floor. You wail your woes to the abysmal cracks in your heart, begging, pleading that he'll come for you.

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(likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated)

REQUESTS AND ASKS ARE OPEN

tag- @shestillbelievess

[i-left-my-room-tidy]

I'm also confused now mhmm

I mean... i'm still very indecisive about how I personally want to view the human mind, its consciousness, and realities... especially in regards to manifestation and reality shifting.

I must say i don't know that much about the writings of those people you mentioned. i'm currently reading neville goddard's books. English isn't my mother tongue. So, the archaic english parts REALLY confuse me sometimes but his way of interpreting the bible is really interesting.

Before getting into law of assumption and reality shifting, I was generally into spirituality and witchcraft. I even had a huge tumblr blog for tarot readings lol... yk through channeling my spirit guides and 'predicting' things so to say. Though, my way of viewing myself and the world I'm in changed a lot over the past view years.

But it's kinda like wanting to set puzzle pieces together but there are puzzles pieces from different pictures and some fit together (physically) that are not really meant to be together (image-wise) iykwim? And later on, you find out that some parts were wrongly put together so you have to revise it (your beliefs) and start again from zero... it's a difficult and really confusing journey imo.

And as i'm not really able to grasp the concept of this reality yet and what role my consciousness in all this plays, it's also really difficult to decide what role other people's souls and 'soulmates' play in this.

Oftentimes, I just want to simplify everything for me just because it all seems so overwhelmingly complicated. (Thats also why i wrote a very vague explanation in that soulmates ask - i tried to keep it simple.) Which reminds of what neville goddard keeps mentioning that humans always try to analyse everything even the simplest things and therefore always end up with complicated 'conclusions' which in turn makes them stray afar from the (very simple) quintessence. (idk if that made sense now lol)

I know this whole rant was probably completely useless to you, it just shows my confusion... sorry once again my mind is very scatterbrained and i don't know where im going with all those thoughts most of the time :')

Anyways, I still have plans to shift to a (what I like to call) 'spirit cafe dr' which is just a dr in a 'otherworldly' caféshop setting where I can talk with my spirit guides and other entities. And I plan to ask them about all this (and more)/to learn from them. I don't know when I will do it, probably not anytime soon because i'm busy with university but I definitely need answers lol

Btw have you already shifted to your jesus dr?

[thanks for this ask!]

and don't apologise for the rant! while i won't claim to understand everything that you've said, i do think you make a point with goddard's belief of analyses. i myself fall subject to that 😭😭

sometimes, we want to understand the world so much—and it's as if each change needs to be predicted, just so we fulfill our desire for knowing. i think that's where your experience with your worldview shifting and my habit of theorising fall under. as you've mentioned, the journey is a puzzle, and in some cases, the pieces never always fit together as expected. we both want to know what would be of us, and why; we want to know when, where, and how it would happen.

my best guess is that it's merely human nature at play. certainty isn't always guaranteed, as can be depicted by the presence of change itself. so, we try to make solutions for a problem that should have been left alone. I'm not saying it's inherently wrong, but the processes we take make it our lives harder than we need to. call it a lapse in judgement, if you will.

I'm not as versed with the concept of spirit guides nor do i always try to seek them out, but i do know they're very significant to everyone's journeys. that's mostly a matter of opinion, but don't let it stop you. i hope you get the answers that you seek!

and don't be shy about the rant! it's refreshing to see someone else's thoughts on the matter, actually. it usually takes me some time to respond, but i love long-winded discussions.

as for my jesus DR, not yet, because it's not that urgent for me as of the moment. I'm currently focused on my fame DR. but i do hope to shift (or mini-shift) to my jesus DR at least once this year, on or before christmas [just to celebrate it in time lmao].