#and she does this all the fucking time!!!! she does this just about every week night and i can't take her throwing a bitch fit every night!!
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Sticky and Disgusting
In honor of my favorite crash out, my favorite tweaker, here's how I feel like nasty sex with JJ would be. I know I was supposed to upload last night but I was bawling my heart out, so I hope this makes up for it <3
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𑁍 JJ fucks, and he does it good too. He's driven women insane, married women, and single women alike text his phone about how much they miss him, how they just can't forget him.
𑁍 But since meeting you, he's elevated his skills quite a bit and knows how to get you in the mood and usually he gets horny first
𑁍 Walking down the street and sees a swimsuit he wants to see you in? Hard. Laying down and randomly thinking about you? Hard. A hug? I don't even have to say it at this point
𑁍 JJ likes listening to something that puts him in the mood
𑁍 Anything with a slow pace he can roll his body perfectly in time too
𑁍 He's willing to get down anywhere anytime, but he's the type that when he gets the chance to make things nice he will
𑁍 His favorite place is your room. You're his kook princess, and you have this fancy ass bedroom with your parents who hate him downstairs and your brother who also hates trying to tone out the noise of you whimpering JJ’s name like a prayer
𑁍 Blue LED lights, a ring light that he fingered out how to set different colors too, and now you two were fucking under a sea of velvet-colored lights
𑁍 He would take it slow depending on his mood. He's slowly rolling his hips into you, his necklace dancing in your face, and your legs are trembling while he's leaving wet kisses down your sweaty neck and whispering perversions in your ears
"Say my name, I know you can do it." "You like that? Yeah, I know you do."
𑁍 And he's so cocky because he knows no one fucks you as good as he does.
𑁍 He knows every part of you, which fleshy part of your body to press down on to have you arching your back off the mattress and wondering what you did to receive a blessing like this
𑁍 Speaking of pressing, JJ likes fingering you. He'll pull you into his lap, shirt pulled up to reveal those tits he loves so much and make out with you slowly but aggressively while he finger fucks you just right
𑁍 Your eyes are closed while he picks up the pace and he's watching you lean back with your legs shaking around his waist as his palm rubs against your clit. The room is hot and JJ's fingers are covered in cream as you let out pleas for release.
𑁍 JJ can never deny you (yes he can, he's done it before when he wanted to see how long he could edge you too and you got pissed and didn't blow him for two weeks) so he keeps going until you boil over to a finish that JJ has only seen in porn. He wished he set up his camera, so he could get that sound on video
𑁍 There was always next time. And you'd let JJ do anything to you and he loved that so much
𑁍 The first night he realized was when his hands automatically went to around your neck and gave you a tender squeeze and when he withdrew his hands an apologized, and you shyly told him to do it again. He came so hard that night his eyes hurt from how they rolled back in his head
𑁍 And it never ends with that, from there, JJ holds up his fingers for you to lick clean and because you're his girl you eagerly do it that makes JJ's heart swell
𑁍 He likes missionary. It's simple, but he gets to look you in the face while he does things to you that would kill your grandmother if she knew.
𑁍 Having you on your back while he sinks slowly into you at first just to see your reaction when he first slides in
𑁍 That warm, creamy feeling, like putting his nuts in warm pudding. He likes to go in, all the way to the base first, just to see you look in his eyes while wearing the necklace with a little 'J' around your neck that you got for your six-month anniversary that made him cry when he first saw it
𑁍 He starts rough though. He just needs too. Sometimes he eases into it, but on certain nights he just can't
𑁍 He loves when you moan his name with a gasp that says that's the stuff that you love, when you let out choked little moans of 'right there' and 'just like that baby'
𑁍 Oh and high sex? Don't even get him started. Its a little ridiculous, the way he twitches a little more and presses soft kisses all over you because JJ is a little love bug when he's high and doesn't have it in him to bruise your ass cheeks
𑁍 Angry sex. JJ gets angry, so very easily. And he loves when you're willing to let him get it out of his system on you instead of someone's property.
𑁍 He's grabbing your face and making you look him in the eyes, he's holding a firm grip on your waist while he plows into you like he was trying to fuck you to sleep (which he has done time and time again), he has you with your ass raised in the air and slapping it like a punching bag
𑁍 He's trembling from rage, and from how good you are for him, how he's shaking and his brows are furrowed while you bounce back against him. Your manicured nails are gripping the sheets, and his hand is fisting your hair while holding you into the pillows
𑁍 Don't be afraid to take control over him though. JJ likes it when you push him on the bed and sit down on his dick like it's where your meant to be.
𑁍 He wants you to ride him like you hardly care about him. He wants you to bounce up and down, nails scraping down his chest ignoring how red he's turning and how he's whimpering out warnings that he was about to cum
𑁍 When you start bouncing up and down harder, while he's twitching and trying to hold onto your hips, and you do that little grinding thing when you circle your hips around and rub up against his abs so he cums inside of you while letting out moans that were so out of character that he would refuse to admit that was him if anyone ever saw that on tape
𑁍 Drunk sex, when you two stumble in from a party tipsy and you're suddenly desperate to blow him and who was he to tell you no.
𑁍 Take him down your throat and he'll cum right there. He's done it a few times. He watching you bob your head up and down, eyes staring up at him with an evil glint in your eyes
𑁍 Leaving kisses all over his chest and down his stomach, your lip gloss and lipstick smearing down his stomach and he feels a warm fluttering feeling in his stomach
𑁍 When you both cum, it makes a mess. He likes it messy, he truly does. When he pulls out and cums on your stomach or his personal favorite is cumming on your pussy so he can't tell when your mess ends and his begins.
𑁍 When you leave a creamy ring around his base, or when he cums on your ass cheeks. When he face fucks you like you're a human flesh light and you have tears and spit streaming down your face before giving him a sloppy kiss that has him weak in the knees, when he cums so hard he drools a bit and you kiss him anyways because you love anything from him, when you ride his face like a mechanical bull and when you get up he looks like he just went down a water park ride.
𑁍 You two always, and I mean ALWAYS leaving a giant stain on your sheets, his sheets, his bike, your clothing (mostly ending up being your swimsuit or panties from him pulling you aside at a kegger and rubbing you through the cloth of your swim suit until you came and quickly had to duck before a group passing by saw you two), and it's always a terrible mess to clean up.
𑁍 Sweat, spit, cum, tears, it's a disgusting mess and by God JJ lives to make it any chance he gets
#black reader#x black reader#x reader#fem reader#multifandom account#requests open#jj maybank#jj maybank smut#jj maybank x reader#jj why#literally why#this will make me feel better#and also will probably be deleted
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soul ties. part I (e.w.)
SYNOPSIS: a product of brokenness. WORD COUNT: 13.4K WARNINGS: ellie’s a painter/art dealer, heavy angst[oc is suicidal and has dissociative episodes + abusive parents/SEXUAL ABUSE(nothing explicitly written but aluded to) + patriarchy/men being predatory/traditionalist households + mentions of cheating + alcoholism + disordered eating/self-harm(cuticle picking) + thoughts of murder + mommy issues/daddy issues + parental grief + homophobia + more patriarchy but with dykes + unhealthy relationships with sex(coping) + brief mention of masturbation + sexual tension + making out + fondling + slapping + DUBCON + just matching freaks to avoid trauma], miscommunication, just 2 socially inept crash outs lol A/N: hellloo lol. fixed plot bc im venting… s been a very rough few months. i was convinced i lost my very acute skill so uhhh consider this a test. uhh what else… idk when i’ll be back bc im now a piano player #NEWFOUNDESCAPISM LOL. suggestion: this technically could b read alone but if u care ab context read this first. then this. that is all LOL byeee :p hi taggies we back: @dyk3ang3l @acidblum @mellifluousgirll @elliesatchel @callmewhenyoukan @natgf123 @elliesstella @spaceforescape @floridaopal @lonelyfooryouonly @ellies-converse @amiorca @darkerstarsstuff
fuck the bitch that made this game. dont buy his shit.
aid links from my inbox: one, two, three, four
What to do, what to do…
Ellie is a wreck. An agitated, craving, mess.
What to do… Love your wife, fuck the daylights out of your wife, kill your wife before she kills you… What to do…
It can’t be that hard to hide a body. Is it still murder if it’s self-defense? Ellie’s sure the next bath you run for her will either be filled with bleach or result in her being forced underwater until she’s lifeless. There are lots of people willing to get their hands dirty for her if that’s the case. Not a trace of you or her would be left and she’d finally be able to escape with only the clothes on her back. The weightlessness in her pockets wouldn’t move her in any way. Nothing compares to freedom. What a suffocating life she lives.
The guest room mattress becomes less and less plush every time she lays in it. The sheets are itchier and cold and she’s stuck pondering with each swirl of the ceiling fan, wet hair wrapped in a bath towel; restless, fidgety, and honey-like ache in the pit of her stomach, mind warped with lecherous thoughts of her wife that she despises but not as much, her supposed life partner and fuck, how did you two get here…
Stuck with a tension so thick it permeates your home; if you’d even call it that. You’re both successfully trapped between your own walls; Elegant windows take the place of rusted, metal bars that confine you from the life you both dreamed of before all this; one soft and doting and colorful, one where your light isn’t dulled.
Why does she feel so guilty, suddenly? You’re not lovers, and neither in love, so why does her chest ache with every glance she steals when you’re unassuming? The pain that’s always etched on your face, and if not, in your eyes — fills her with regret. She would abandon you for days — weeks at a time, not at all concerned about what you might be experiencing to rid herself of shame. And to think that you were merely a younger version of your mother; villainous and cruel and greedy when… when you’ve barely spoken. She finds herself, unfortunately, reminiscing on how bushy-tailed you were after marriage. So eager to please and prick her mind and annoyingly mechanical. You cooked at the same time everyday. Cleaned, did both your laundry, sunbathed, swam in your pool. She hated how rehearsed your lifestyle was; it reminds her of the worst parts of her childhood. When her mother was alive. So, Ellie chose to step out on you the second you took her last name; ravaged other women, released her anger and desires on strangers when she should’ve had you beneath, above, on your knees for her. Where has that craving to harm you gone? For months, she’s ached for your suffering to mirror hers, but now… What’s happening to her? What’s happened to you?
Ellie believes you’ve lost it, and somehow she’s found herself chasing that unforeseen part of you; unfiltered and angry and wild. This manufactured doll your mother molded you into is shattering at the core and Ellie craves to see more of you. Guilty. As hurt as you were, that night was the most alive she’s seen you be. You shouted and cried and tore at the seams, desperate for someone to hear you, and Ellie did. Loud and clear. She saw you for what you are. Mangled from the inside out, entirely hopeless. Just like she is. An unspeakable link that binds the two of you.
Soul ties.
She shook and pleaded for you to enter the bathroom and see her battered against the shower wall with a hand between her legs and your name dripping from her lips, but the knob never twisted. Her orgasms were unsatisfactory, and she accepted with irritation that it was because you weren’t there. She ignored the throbbing between her legs and vacated the bathroom. Ellie, with legs that trembled, found you wrapped in satin and snoring. They sounded like whistles.
She stood for a while, just watching you twitch and wiggle in your rest, eyes glazing to the space beside you that could easily fit another body. The sheets are already warm from where you lay. The two of you have never slept in the same room, let alone bed.
Her feet carried her out. Silently left the room with an unfamiliar ache in her chest.
Her mind made an enemy out of you because that’s what you are. When she thought her life couldn’t get any worse, you appeared and destroyed everything in her path. Left her world in ruins. Disrupted her pattern. You’re an enemy and deserve to hurt.
Aren’t you? Don’t you?
Everything is unclear. Ellie hasn’t been this conflicted since she was 15. She wishes she could sleep forever so she wouldn’t be forced to think.
If she had any sense left, she would paint her agony away. In the past, her mind would shut down with every splash of color on a canvas to compensate for the darkness that conjured in her mind. She refrains from that now, though. She’s horny; scared she’ll start imagining what your pussy looks like and sketch it all over the bedroom walls. That’d be too much; a boundary that will remain untouched.
But her brain knows she’s not a good person; she can’t help but imagine how gorgeous your pussy is because you are and she’s known that since the beginning, the second she saw you drenched in white. Drenched in sorrow.
She clutches your wedding band in her palm.
What to do… what to do…
Birds are artists.
They never fail to sing every morning; sonnets aimed to awaken life as sun rays spill from behind mountains. You've always appreciated their tunes whenever you were pulled from a hollow rest, no longer surrounded by darkness.
Maybe it was the routine your mother set for you from young. You were 9 when she first coddled your drowsiness as she shook you awake at five in the morning; the early bird catches the worm, a saying you naively assumed as preparation for the day, for your homeschooling. An energy booster, possibly. Motivation. Something to get you through.
How stupid could a child be?
You were 12 when your cycle started. You were 12 when you realized that your mother never envisioned actual birds and worms like you had. Your mother has games she plays and she cheats. She’s had you on a leash for the past decade; the scars around your neck are forever a reminder of the hell you’ve endured under her hand. It took no effort on her part to be uncaring of your suffering, and somehow that aches more than anything else.
Even more than the existence of him. A demon walking.
Animals aren’t like your family. Birds aren’t. The minute specks of sunlight begin, their job starts, and they complete it happily without compensation or praise or the slightest acknowledgment. Everyone wakes, and they fly to anywhere to wake the next.
But wealth is dirty. Wealth makes people dirty. They swindler and lie and experience life with a vacancy that’ll never be filled with anything but greed. Your mother trained you for years to accept whatever was given as long as you were taken care of. Play your part, she’d say. It took you years to learn her strategy — and unlearn yourself — but you’re here. Married. Successful by association. Rich. Unhappy. Unloved.
Birds guided you. They never shy from their duty, and you hadn’t either…
But you’re human. You crack and cry and scream and you hate. You despise so strongly that you lash out and everything in your path becomes victimized. Sometimes it gets to a point where you crave blood. You want to drown in it, drink it until you’re sick. Your soul is dead. Everyones’ should die with yours.
You don’t know who should go first. Your mother, your stepfather, or your wife.
You want to swallow Ellie whole—
“Good morning.”
You’ve never seen Ellie not dolled up. She clearly just awakened with her wrinkled MILFS ONLY shirt and sporadic hair. Timidity doesn’t suit Ellie. You're so used to seeing her exasperated. Her weary eyes don’t meet yours. You should tell her your plans to adopt a hummingbird. Or maybe you shouldn’t. She might laugh at you.
“Hello.”
“… Hi.” She seems like she wants to say something. You sip your coffee.
“My dad called.”
You hum around the rim of your mug. “Woke you up?”
She merely shrugs. “I uh… did anyone tell you about tomorrow?”
“Of course not.”
You don’t expect Ellie to flinch at your tone. You weren’t that sharp, were you?
You might’ve been because she slows her speech. Like she’s approaching a wounded animal, “Dad’s hosting a dinner. Corporate bullshit but we have to go.”
“Why.”
She squints at you. “Why what.”
“Why do we have to go.” Your mug lands on the table harder than expected.
“To make mommy and daddy look good.” She sneers while approaching her seat, “Did you forget?”
“I just thought they wouldn’t want two dykes contaminating their spaces anymore.”
Ellie snorts. “They don’t. Companies do. Gets their cocks hard. Two gay daughters, how progressive!” She mocks and plops on the chair directly across from you, wiping at her eyes. Your throat dries when you notice her wedding band. She hardly ever wears it. You don’t know where you left yours. Since when does she care to wear it? “They’ll do anything they can to get on their good side. They’re… merging organizations or whatever the fuck he said.”
She swallows. Shrugs uncaringly, “We going?” Her eyes watch your hands squeeze your mug.
“Are we.”
She regards your cup with caution. Does she think you’ll throw it? The thought nearly makes you laugh.
“Yes.” She answers.
“Okay.”
Your wife finally looks up and stands, nose upturned, “Okay? That’s all you got?”
“Yes. Okay.” You sip silently. Your foot taps on hardwood.
“Excited to see your family? You like ‘em now?”
Excited is laughable.
“No, I don’t.”
The sudden calamity from your wife confuses you. She tugs at the strands that flop on her head in agitation. They look soft as they bounce with her pacing. You’ll never feel them. Or you might later. Who knows with her. Who knows with you.
Ellie’s still talking. Her arms flail like she’s annoyed by you. You’re not sure why. You’re following. You’re allowing her to guide. To control. That’s the entire point of this. That’s why you’re going to dinner with her. She told you to go and that’s it.
Play your part play your part play yo—
You don’t remember much of anything; the past, the present, but you recall what Ellie sounds like when she’s angry, whether it’s at you, her father, the woman her father is fucking or married to or whatever. If you’d listen, you’ll discover what ticked her off, but your ears ring too loud. Much louder than her screaming.
You sip your coffee silently. Ellie leaves you at the dining table with a slam of a door.
You think it’s the first floor’s guest room.
The sun sets. Ellie can’t remember the last time she’s been home this long.
She hates the weekends. The gallery is never open and she can’t drown herself in deals. She hates being home when you are. Why the fuck are you always here? You don’t have friends, a job, a life outside of this goddamn house? There’s a sinking in her stomach at the thought of your isolation, but she ignores it. Tries to ignore it.
… Can’t really ignore it. How pestering. You’re a pest.
She knows nothing about you, only bits of your past expressed through photographs at your mother’s or outbursts in your bedroom. Your stepfather is fucking creepy and your mother’s glare is killer, but that’s about it. Still, she doesn’t think she can hate your parents more than you.
You’re so fucking weird. Just like them. Unforgiving and unchaste one day then apathetic the next. How the fuck can one communicate with a person like that?
That feeling in her chest again. Sharp and annoying. Try try try, it says. Begs from her.
Try and do what? Do fucking what—
It took Ellie 3 seconds to unlock the guest room door and fly down the stairs when a crash rings from the first floor. Glass clatters and you sound in pain and oh fuck did someone break in
There’s red all over the kitchen floor but it’s not blood it’s red wine. Red wine red wine it’s not blood—
You’re on the kitchen floor surrounded by green shards and dressed so pretty. Hair coiled and free and your face is done up and you’re wearing flowers. There’s flowers all over and your skin shines and why do you have heels on like a play doll?
Ellie palms at the scattered racing of her heart. Everything’s fine, her brain blares, She tripped, that’s it. Clears her throat. Rustles her hair to appear normal.
She’s not dead.
“… You good?”
An unsteady hand rises to throw her a thumbs up. Your body wobbles when you attempt to stand. Ellie ushers to the counter to slide on her slippers, tells you to stop when your palm nearly plants on a shard.
“Move back before you hurt yourself.” Ellie takes a quick lap around the kitchen for the broom and dustpan. Finds you just as quickly so you don’t accidentally slice an artery.
Your lashes flutter and her heart follows suit, taking in the mess. “I think I fucked up.” You croak.
Hearing you curse is always odd. She huffs, “It’s fine. Can you stand?”
Your head shakes and your bottom lip juts. “My… my shoes…”
You slowly plop onto your bottom and rest your back against the dishwasher. You struggle to grip your buckles to pull and slide the strap and Ellie remembers why she hates heels. She sweeps the glass away from you and realizes she should’ve mopped first because the bristles are soaked and streaking the clean parts of the crystal porcelain. When was the last time she cleaned? The maids always do. Sometimes you help.
You look stunned when Ellie moves to squat in front of you. Jumps back when she adjusts your ankle.
Her palms hang in surrender, “I’m gonna help you. Relax. Do your knees hurt?”
You landed right on them. They should. You don’t disarm, eyes guarded and body locked tight, but you shrug. It’s good enough for Ellie.
She unravels the buckles around both your ankles and tosses them next to you and you just watch. Ellie’s glances are quick and flitting, but she follows the traces of her hands; the sharp inhales whenever her fingers brush against the skin of your leg. You’re not as close as you were last night but she can smell you. Her chest is throbbing. You look like you’re about to cry but you’re drunk. It’s meaningless. Drunk people cry.
Try try try try
“Can you stand now?” She croaks.
It takes a second for you to register her inquiry, but you shrug, and she sighs. When Ellie stands, both her hands extend out to you, but you don’t accept them; She gets jittery under your scrutinizing gaze after nearly a minute passes. Her throat dries and her face burns when you brush her hands away; standing on your own is an unstable journey, but you do, back against the counter to stabilize yourself. You look ill. Your brain must be jumbled.
“Can you get upstairs on your own?”
“You talk a fucking lot. Shut up.”
The corner of Ellie’s mouth rises, but she says nothing. Gives you space to move.
You take one step, then two more, then your eyes shut and your throat jumps. Uh oh.
“Oh shit, come—“
Ellie guides you to the garbage can near the front of the counter, away from the glass, and you dry heave. Liquid splatters inside the can and Ellie hates this so fucking much. The sounds are enough to make her own stomach lurch. It’s been a while since she’s been around someone this drunk.
But she holds your waist so you don’t faceplant into your own vomit.
“Get it out,” She hums with a grimace, “You’re fine.” An I gotcha almost rolls off her tongue but she catches it. She glides a comforting hand over your curved spine because you’re drunk and you won’t remember such gestures in the morning. She prefers it that way.
You’re not gagging anymore so Ellie removes herself from you. Until she hears a whimper. And a sob so quiet she assumes you’re trying to mask it. Drunk people cry; she’s seen it countless times. Why does that seering feeling spark in her chest for what felt like the billionth time today? Fucking try, for fucks sake!
“Let’s… let’s get you—“
“I wish I was dead.”
Your prayer is hollow. Not even sad despite your tears. So, so empty. Ellie’s seen this before, experienced that nothingness countless times, but despite it all, she never learned how to console. Hell, she barely knows how to self-soothe without falling victim to her dark temptations. Even her paint brushes can’t eliminate the constant ache she feels. She just watches the tremble of your shoulders from behind.
“I really don’t wanna go tomorrow.” You whisper.
Ellie sighs. There’s no other choice. You know the stakes; follow your families’ commands or lose everything at the drop of a hat. They’ll leave you both on the streets to rot with no remorse if they please, replace the two of you with two normal children. Het children that won’t deviate. You’re both on thin ice as it is. Mainly because of Ellie. She can’t seem to keep herself out of trouble.
“I…”
I’ll be with you the entire time. I don’t like being around those cunts either.
“It’ll go by quickly.” She settles.
“I hate when p-people look at me.”
“Me too.”
“I wish my family loved me.”
Ellie’s softer now. Only slightly.
“Yeah…”
A tug in her ribcage. Try. Please, try.
“Me too.”
The pounding beneath your skull wakes you quicker than the birds. You shove your face in the pillow you rest on.
The devil tells you to check the time so you do. The bedside clock says noon, meaning a new day, meaning it’s Saturday meaning you’ll die. Maybe not physically but mentally. You’re so drained and you’ve barely opened your eyes; the idea of leaving bed alone is enough to exhaust you. Your wrists and legs ache like fucking hell on top of that.
You make fists with both hands. Repeatedly clench and unclench. The weight is different on your wedding finger. Heavier. You haven’t seen your ring since yesterday… or a few days ago — you’re not really sure. You must’ve found it in your drunken stupor. Just when you hoped to never see it again.
The universe will always remind you who you are.
If you stand you’ll vomit but your phone is ringing from the drawer you stuck it in weeks ago. How is it not dead? You know your mom’s calling. You hate that she is…
The ringing stops and you thank the heavens.
You curse them when it starts up again.
The drawer slides open with reluctance. The ringing sounds 20 times louder. You retrieve your device blindly and your throat snaps shut when you speak.
“You rang.”
“Did your… partner tell you about tonight.”
Hard and distant. That’s how she speaks to you. Your heart cracks.
Your mom already knows Ellie did. She loves to bother you with nonsense. You don’t think she’s ever called Ellie your wife.
“Yes.”
“You’re attending.”
“Yes.”
“Good.”
“Is that all.”
“Your gown was delivered here. Come by well before 8 to get ready.”
And she hangs up. Just like that. Always. She’s never told you to have a nice day, or to rest well, or that she loves you, at the minimum. And if she had, you don’t remember any of it. There’s a lot you force yourself to forget.
The selfish part of you disregards the burning of your eyes to stare at your phone — low battery and… no messages. No texts, no phone calls from anyone except your mother, no likes on Instagram because your mom scared you into not making one when you were a teenager. No one cares about you. People care about your wife, though. Maybe because she’s talented; she’s certainly not nice.
Your darkest memories are always the most prominent.
Your phone drops to the floor and you don’t reach for it. You just pray to sleep again.
Tonight will be interesting.
The ride to your mother’s is silent.
At least she chauffeured the two of you. Ellie can be scary when she drives. You’ve never been in a car with her, but she did ram into a lamppost on the sidewalk a few nights after your wedding.
Your wife is already dressed despite the party being hours away. She sits right next to you in all black; in a trenchie and turtleneck and slacks and loafers with fur and gold jewelry. When she descended the staircase, you gawked when she wasn’t looking. So simple, but she had your heart fluttering when she’d asked, ready? You’re still in your sleep shorts, teeth unbrushed and starving. When was the last time you ate?
What an embarrassment — you’re an embarrassment, but you can’t bring yourself to care anymore. If only newly wed you could see herself now.
You swallow a lump when you feel eyes on the side of your face, but yours remain glued out the window. The closer you get to your mom’s, the faster your mind starts to shut down. Everything passes you by in a blur.
By the time the gates with your father’s initials come into view, your thoughts go silent, only filled with the calming images of nature and the song of birds. Your only escapism.
The only way you’ll make it out of here in one piece.
Ellie! Darling! We’ve missed you! Give us a smile!
Ellie! Ellie, look this way!
Ellie, where’s your wife?
She wishes she knew. You’d barely made it into your mother’s home before getting swept down the hall by 4 other people who poked at your appearance. Ellie didn’t even get to give your mom the passive, spine-chilling hi, mom like old times before another SUV came to whisk her away from that hell hole. Her dad always knows somehow.
She hates being at your mom’s; it’s stifling and quiet and the aura is dark. Like mother, like house or whatever the fuck.
She scowls when the bombarding questions redirect to you. Some concerning, some sarcastic, some raunchy — those get under her skin in particular — and she can’t stop fiddling with her ring. Her chest tugs tugs tugs.
Trouble in paradise?
You were caught leaving the bar with another woman on your arm a few weeks ago! How’d your wife react to that?
She doesn’t know. She’s never home to see you break.
Guilt ate at her when the door of your mother’s mansion shut behind her, but she disregards it now. You shouldn’t be forced to listen to their guised jabs; You get enough of that from everyone in your life. She hopes you’ll go through the back entrance when you arrive.
When will you get here?
Ellie’s never made an event appearance without you. You’d pose and fidget and display awkward affection so that they’d buy your love a little bit, then enter the gathering as two separate hearts, riddled and torn, never to cross paths until the bustle is over and it’s time to go home.
Finally, security moves and barricades her until she gets past the 20 foot gate and treads the steps. The flashing cameras are still blinding from behind.
The tended garden is the first thing she notices. Wide and green. The daisy and rose bushes are no longer tangled with weeds and surrounded by dead grass and gnats. How could Joelene not see that and be vengeful? Ellie and her dad may not be close anymore, but she knows him; maybe even more than he knows himself. He still misses her mom after everything, and chooses to express it through her favorite hiding spot. Keeps the flowers that bloom and trims the ones that don’t so she lives through them. Ellie hardly remembers a time when her mother wasn’t covered in dirty overalls and sunburnt.
She manages to hold it together when the large double doors open. The violins suddenly sound like nails on wood.
Voices fade into nothing. People are outside your car. Light hurts so terribly.
One second you’re here, the next you’re not. Your mom and her husband sit across with twined arms and the lace from your dress is itchy and you wanna disappear. When you blink, you’re gone. You only exist on this plain if your eyes are open.
Something hard and leather brushes against your ankle, scratches against your stockings, slow and snake-like. You know what it is, who it is, and you freeze, eyes locked onto your mother. No matter your hopelessness, there’s still a young girl in you that wishes your mother would defend, act on anger, be disgusted at minimum. At least when his crimes are done in secret you can’t blame her for not knowing.
But you’re here and she’s here and he’s here. A shared secret between the three of you.
His shoe doesn’t halt on your leg. Your mother never looks at you.
Birds and songs and sonnets. You’re a bird and you can fly against the strongest winds. Music is your guide and you follow the clouds.
Your fingers twist together in your lap and the black interior of the car glows red. If only… he’s not the only one with sick intentions. If only.
You’re flying you’re flying you can fly and there’s someone who’ll love you gently. They’re out there somewhere and you’ll find them and they’ll find you like every trial was worth it.
Patience. That’s all you need. Just be patient.
The rest of the car ride is unbeknownst to you. Next thing you know, your door is being opened and two men await your entry at the glass door.
Champagne is good. Tequila is better. The two mixed is hell.
Ellie’s throat burns and her mind swirls but she plays it off well enough. Mingles with pensive, old bastards while their daughters’ gawk at her with bright-eyed curiosity and you haven’t arrived yet.
She lost her dad somewhere in the night. He greeted her briefly upon her arrival, pointed out the important men of the night, called your mother a selfish bitch, then walked off with his mistress by his side. Ellie’s eyes keep meeting the back door from the living room.
Where are you?
“Ellie!”
She downs the rest of her chute and guards her agitation with a grin. Shakes the hand of…
What the fuck was this dude’s name?
“It’s an honor! Your art is incredible! I’ve truly—“
—Fucking Ronald? Reginald? … Ronald might be it—
“—Your father, ya know, he’s an interesting man, incredibly smart! I’ve never—“
Her dad gave her a run-down of the … merging or whatever the fuck but what the fuck did he say and holy shit, is she sweating? The man’s handshake threw her off, frankly; almost snapped her wrist in two. Fucking old piece of shit. More business jargon that she pretends to understand and care so much about because it’s a show after all. All cheers and stiff laughter.
“And your wife! By God, what a looker!”
Her jaw clenches. Where are you where are you where are you
“What we’d give, I mean, c’mon!” Men that pass laugh with him and it’s taking everything in Ellie not to smash this glass over his head. One quick swing and it’s over. For him and her. How promising.
“Where is she anyway? You two didn’t come together?”
“She um, she’s with her parents right now. They’ll be here.” She jerks her chin toward the entrance.
“How lucky are you. Treat her like the star she is!” It looks like the shithead’s leaving, but not before taunting, “Holler when she arrives, will ya?”
And just like that, he leaves Ellie to simmer. Three deep breaths. A man in a suit and tray filled with champagne waltzes passed her and she snags two glasses. Downs the first in one thick swallow before another clinks with hers.
Why does everyone keep fucking with her?
“Cheers.”
Ellie doesn’t need to look to know who it is. She scoffs. “Sounds like you’re having fun.”
Jolene stands next to her, shoulders slouched and dress glowing under the chandelier. She arches a dark brow, “Who wouldn’t? Men are the most entertaining when they’re on ego trips.”
“Same goes for my dad?” She snips, and Jolene shocks her with a smile.
“Meh.”
“Why are you here.”
“I just told you—“
“No, where are you here.” Ellie gestures between them, “Why’re you talking to me right now?”
Jolene downs her drink and shrugs, “My attempts at bonding. On a scale of 1 to 10, how shit were they?”
“900. Leave me the fuck alone.” Before Ellie can run, a hand clamps down on her wrist.
“I know—“ The woman rushes, “I know we don’t have the best relationship, but I’m not—“
Ellie almost corrects her out of pettiness; They don’t have a relationship, period. There’s no best or worst. But her sudden desperation halts her.
“—the enemy. There’s not a lot for us in these spaces. I just wanted to try and establish something. Anything. Between us. It can be so lonely without a real support system.”
Ellie hates the direction her heart turns her mind. Suddenly you’re there and you’re crying and clawing at your chest and Ellie just watches like she did that night. So powerless. So empty.
But Jolene isn’t you. She chooses to be selfish. Yours comes from self preservation and nothing else.
Ellie snatches her hand back and throws her the deadliest stare. “You don’t know shit about being lonely. You’re the one who gave up everything you had to fuck my dad when my mom wasn’t looking. How much did you care about her loneliness then? Hm?”
The timing was perfect, really. 15 year old Ellie watched her parents get into one of their most abhorrent arguments; her dad leaves first, then her mom, then only one of them returns, and it was not her mother. Imagine her shock when a news reporter confirmed that her mother’s body had been thrown in a garbage bag and left in a dumpster to rot. It only took two weeks to mourn before he was marrying another woman.
Nobody cared that her mother had been shot or stabbed or gutted. She was just a woman married to a successor who raised a deviant child.
Ellie forces herself to not point fingers, though. Anyone could’ve killed her, she always reminds herself; to keep her from going fucking crazy. But timing…
How telling is time.
Jolene’s eyes widen and her grip weakens. Ellie takes that as an escape before she has a breakdown in front of the caviar platter.
She barely takes a step before she collides with a body.
Funny.
She bumped right into a star that shines a royal blue. The woman of the hour, for sure. In her mind, at least.
“Sorry.” You whisper.
“You’re fine. All me.” Ellie says lowly as she takes you in, and you do the same to her. Shy, but yearnful glances. Glossed lips tightly sealed and brows tense. Your dress shimmers and holds you snug and she feels guilty for staring at your curvature. She’s suddenly hyper aware of the vultures that disguise themselves as men and she has an instinct to hide you. And your ring is on. The thumping in her chest picks up. Only slightly.
“It’s great to see you again.” Jolene says shakily from beside Ellie and she almost loses it before a grating voice interrupts.
“You, as well. And your husband is…?”
Your mother. And her lap dog wagging his tail beside her. What a bitch. Both of them.
Your stepdad says something and you inhale sharply and no one notices but Ellie. She studies you carefully. You look like a frightened cat with a frilled tail as he speaks. Claws out, not because you’re ferocious, but so, so scared. She glances at your stepdad; greasy smile while he ogles at Jolene; what a nasty son of a bitch.
Ellie whispers to you, “Is everything o—“
“Joel! Man of the hour! How are—“
“Where’s the bathroom again?” You whisper back.
Ellie takes your hand in hers and flees while the family’s distracted, leading you down a hallway that’s way too long with lights too bright.
She gestures towards the door. “It’s… This is it. One of ‘em at least.”
“… Thank—“
“What’s the matt—“
“I’m fine.”
“You look like you’ve seen a fucking ghost. Did that piece of shit say something to you?” Ellie glances to make sure no listeners are hiding in the shadows.
The widest smile grows on your face as you laugh, hearty and loud with your head thrown back. Ellie stares in confusion.
“Oh, Ellie! You’re so silly,” She jumps when your hands hold her cheeks. You’re fucking freezing and they tremble. Your eyes are a dark void.
You lean in closer, lips right against her mouth and they part slightly on instinct. She’s concerned and should ask more questions, but your skin is so soft. Are you gonna kiss her, she wonders? You haven’t kissed since your wedding; your breath hits her mouth and her tongue swipes her lips. Her eyes flutter shut and she aches to touch you—
“Save a seat for me, love? Please?”
It happens so fast; the frost of you is gone and the bathroom door slams shut while an elderly woman fondly whispers, “young love,” as she walks by. Ellie only nods with a rigid curl of her lips, throat cinched too tightly to swallow.
You puzzle her. She’s tempted to wait for you, to ensure you make it back safely without bombardment, but then
“Ellie! Why didn’t you call me! Your wife made it safely, I see!”
A hand claps on her shoulder while men laugh from the side, boisterous and predatory and so wide their fangs show. Ellie’s sick and a war rages within her.
“Your father sent me to find you! It’s time to eat!”
She sends them a weak smile. She rushes away from the door and they follow close behind.
Anything to lure them away from you.
Attendees have dwindled, only Ellie and her family and you and yours and some CEOs that are really getting on her fucking nerves. But you’ve eaten, thank God. She can breathe a little.
Only a bit, though. You’re putting on a fucking show and it’s scaring her; Even her dad seems impressed. Charmed by you. Clinking glasses and telling jokes and smiling. Did your mom hold you at gunpoint before you got here? How much did you drink? Not much from what she’s seen.
That one fucker from earlier — Raymon or Robert or whatever the fuck — keeps leaning over the table whenever you do. Peeping at your chest, probably. She wishes these steak knives were sharper.
“So! Our young couple,” says Old Bitch with a Combover and wiggly brows, “When are we getting those heirs?”
You cough uncomfortably and Ellie squirms in her seat. Your mother scoffs, “Two women can’t have children—“
Said Old Bitch shrugs, “Well, not biologically—“
“My point exactl—“
Ellie’s father cuts in with a tense grin, “When they get to that point, we’ll discuss their options. There’s… many nowadays, evidently.”
Neither you or Ellie interrupt, but she notices you’ve moved closer to her. Inched your seat a bit. You squeeze your hands so hard in your lap she’s scared they’ll shatter where they lay. You’re not smiling anymore.
Her dad and your mom are subtle with their blows at one another; snarky with brutal stares, unremarkable to strangers, but you and Ellie know. When dinner ends, you’ll both be caught in their crossfire.
“There’s no shame in me wanting my grandchildren to be by blood. I shouldn’t have to go shopping for an heir.” Your mother hisses.
“Sh—“ Joel huffs with disgust, “Shopping for an heir? That’s what you think adoption entails?”
“Does it not?” Your mother’s tone rises.
Reggie, Rory, or Russell interjects with a dismissive wave, “C’mon, you too! No need to argue. I’m sure girls like them will be fine with obtaining children! It might be more… complicated, I will say!”
“May I be excused?” You croak, and Ellie straightens.
“Why? So you can wallow about dying childless?”
The table silences. No laughter, no wittiness. Completely still. That wasn’t from your mother. Ellie doesn’t remember the last time she’s heard your stepdad speak so clearly. Her blood thrashes beneath her skin so harshly that her tongue unties. There’s a darkness in her that whispers, “grab that steak knife”. Brutalize him. Just for a second. Do it for you.
Do it for her.
“Go fuck yourself.” She spits.
Your neck almost cracks with the speed you turn to her, eyes wide as the moon. Her father condemns, “Watch your mouth, Ellie.”
“Or what, you old fuck?”
Her heart rattles noisily in her chest; her hands shake where they rest on her lap, her cells trembling with the instinct to harm. The gaze of her father is distant and filled with inadequacy for his only line. Nothing unbeknownst to her, but there's a flash of something so deep, so forbidden for them, but she sees it every time they hold contact. Beneath all the loathing and lesions left to drain, there’s longing. An inkling of gratitude that she knows he’ll suppress until he’s buried underground. He’ll never look the same to her, and she imagines the same for him. Too many bridges burned.
“How’d I do?” Ellie rasps to him, “Hm? The night went how you hoped?”
Look at what you’ve done, she hopes her eyes say. Tears welt against her will. When was the last time she cried in front of him? She hadn’t even given him that honor at her mother’s funeral years ago.
Ellie’s stiff stature nearly cracks at the light brush atop her knee. A wind catches in her throat when a pinky turns into three fingers, then five, then a palm that squeezes comfortingly, desperately. Maybe partly to keep her glued to this chair. She gulps the dryness down and a flame lights in the pit of her stomach.
Her glance to you is brief, barely out of the corner of her eye, but you’re watching her. Intensely, and it scorches her cheeks, all the way down to her neck. Scared cat. Scared cat. Shrilled and cold and frightened to hell and she despises it.
What changed? She’ll always wonder. That look hardly shook her a week ago and now it makes her teeth ache.
Suddenly, it’s too warm here.
“Get up,” Ellie rushes you. Grabs your arm and yanks you from your seat, “Not dealing with this fuckin’ bullshit tonight. We’re leaving.”
There’s suddenly shouting from all directions of the dinner table with each step Ellie takes for you, but you never drop her hand. She clenches it tighter when you finally reach the back door.
The door slams shut on the wreckage behind you.
Consider plan MERGE a bust.
Ellie’s a thief. You think. Maybe.
Is it stealing if the car belongs to a family member? Where she snagged the keys from? You don’t remember. One second you’re at dinner, then watching the city pass you by the next. It’s silent in here.
“Stop.”
You slam back into your body. Still in the car. You wish you were asleep.
“Huh?”
Her eyes watch the road, but a hand rests on both of yours to pry them apart.
“Stop. I hate that sound.”
“… Wha—“
“You’re gonna rip your skin off if you don’t stop.”
… Oh. Yeah. Bloody cuticles. It was all accidental, you swear.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” Her eyes shut briefly and she sighs, sounding so worn. Exhaustion is her white flag. “Just stop.”
“Alright.”
“Thanks.”
It’s quiet again. The red from the stop light reflects in the car and you’re instantly reminded of your stepfather.
“Ellie.”
“Hm.”
“We should get a bird.”
“… And do what with it.”
You shrug, “Pet it. Feed it, too.” Sing with it, you wanted to add. Ellie would’ve probably laughed at you.
She snickers dryly, “That’s usually what you do with a pet.”
“I never had one.”
The light turns green and the car revs. Your wife hums, “I had a fish once or twice.”
“Lucky.”
A small — very, very minuscule grin quirks Ellie’s lips and your heart hollers. For joy? In warning?
“Not really. They kept dying so I gave up.” She snickers to herself, and you can’t help but stare. She starts talking then. Eyes gone, tension gone. She’s suddenly relaxed.
“My mom… she, uh… loved water. Was always in it or… watching it on TV or something. She always bought fish from fucking… PetCo—“
“PetCo?” You laugh, then Ellie does.
“Right? She’d take me and be like, “get one”. And I went home with a new fish every time.”
“I thought you only went once or twice?”
“… Times 100,” She giggles, “My mom lived there. She would always talk to the cats through the glass.”
You don’t hesitate, “I wanna go.”
“To PetCo?”
“Yeah.” Why not?
Everything is almost over. So, why not?
“… K.”
“So we’ll go?”
“Mhm.”
And the conversation ends. The car is silent. Suddenly tense again when you ask,
“Do you think we’re cut off?”
Ellie’s jaw clenches and the car is suddenly tense. Back to square one. “Possibly. Tonight was a shit show. It went by fast, at least.”
“What’s gonna happen to me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m…”
Alone. You’re fucking alone and know nothing about life outside of what was built around you. Without it, you’ll spiral and fail and face a dreadful reality. No more rose colored glasses even if they’re browned and wilted as is. You’ll be eaten alive by the creatures in the night without a protective border.
But the curse will end. You won’t inherit or be forced to lie or play a game that ends in fire. Decades of legacy down the drain just like that, and by your own hand. It fascinates you, that power. A force you’ve been withheld from.
“I don’t know.”
“Still thinking about divorce?” A void in Ellie’s tone.
“I don’t know.”
“They’ll never allow it, you know that, right?”
“What if I just leave?”
“And do what?” Her voice raises.
“Who knows. Who cares.”
“Please,” Ellie exasperates, “Your mom will get fucking SWAT to bring you back.”
“What good will a corpse do for her?”
You’ll be dead but you’ll have a bird. A colorful one. That’ll be your legacy. That’s all you need, really. Ellie doesn’t say anything. Neither do you.
More buildings flash by and suddenly you’re home. Parked in the garage with Ellie beside you, gazing off into opaque walls. You wonder what she’s thinking. If she sees everything in black and white like you do. Maybe she’s the opposite, vision bright and full of suppressed color. She is a painter after all.
“What’re your plans?” Ellie suddenly whispers.
“For?”
“Life. The future. Anything,” She pries and digs for something, “There has to be something that interests you! That gets you excited! There’s so much shit to do.”
You shrug. Not much. Not anything.
“I used to be excited for my wedding,” You mumble, “Like… as a kid. White dress and flowers and everyone’s just excited to be there. For love, and whatever, you know? That’s how it was in movies, at least.” It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s off your chest. The unhealthy romanticization of the happiest day of your life ended up being just another day to honor the greed of your families. Everyone was so lifeless when they watched you and Ellie kiss. It hadn’t even lasted 3 seconds before she shoved the band on your finger with teary cheeks. Such beautiful scenery was wasted on misery.
You look over and Ellie’s eyes are roaring, palms squeezing together in her lap while her wedding ring twists around her finger. You watch it cycle.
“Now I…” You chuckle sadly, “I just want a bird, to be honest.”
With your heels and purse in hand, the car door opens and you exit, forcing yourself not to peek through the windshield at Ellie again.
The second floor, your bedroom, your bathroom, are all quiet. Did Ellie not follow you inside? For a while, you envision what it would be like if you weren’t married. If you weren’t born as you, would your world be this still?
It haunts you in the shower. Wolffish eyes and dry hands grasping at your shoulders and waist but everything’s quiet.
You wash your face, brush your teeth, wrap your hair alone. You wonder if anyone is actually in the house. Was Ellie a figment of your imagination? Is this one of the nights that proves she doesn’t exist and that your brain is your greatest enemy? You shove your face into the mattress before your thoughts venture. Silence rocks you to sleep, but not forgetting the taunting desire to know
Is death this quiet?
Your mom’s calling.
Vibrations rattle in your bedside dresser. The sun isn’t up yet. The birds are still resting. She never calls this early… or late. Something bad must’ve happened. It takes 17 seconds for your drawer to stop shaking before it starts again.
You can’t move to answer, though. Your body isn’t yours at the moment. Your soul will reclaim its shell soon enough. Or maybe it won’t.
Your drawer shakes shakes shakes. Your heartbeat eventually matches the pace of its vibrations. You think it’s been 20 minutes. Maybe longer. When will the birds wake?
Finally, the calls stop. Your eyes shut again. Instantly taken by darkness.
You never wear normal clothes.
Ellie’s only ever seen you in thousand dollar dresses and high heel shoes that scrape your achilles and cloth that squeezes you so tight she thinks she might explode by just looking at you. No matter how fucking good you look in them.
So what the fuck is that? Moreso, why does she like it so much? Her cheeks are on fucking fire and her heart is trying to flee its enclosing.
You have a t-shirt on. A simple, non-Gucci white tee that says LAS VEGAS and black shorts and a scarf on your head and socks with squirrels on them. Is this the fucking matrix?
You never wake up this late, either. It’s 20 till 10.
“Did my mom call you at all?”
No… no she didn’t… Why can’t Ellie speak? She’s sitting there gaping like a fish and taking guilty glances at your nipples through your shirt. She shakes her head. You nod yours.
“I uh…” She mumbles with a cotton mouth when you step into the kitchen, “I made coffee.”
“I smelled it.” You serve yourself at the counter. 2 Splenda packs, no cream.
“Did your mom call you?”
“Yes.”
“What’d she say?”
“I didn’t answer.”
… Interesting. Odd. Her calls are never missed by you.
“I hope it’s something bad.”
Ellie swallows her sip thickly. “… Damn. Why?”
“She deserves it.” You say calmly while stirring. “He does, too.”
“Your dad?”
“My stepfather,” You hiss and slam your mug on the table. Ellie flinches, “Yes.”
Her palms raise in surrender, “Sorry.”
“Where do you go at night?” The chair across from her scrapes on hardwood when you sit.
Nowhere, recently. Ellie shrugs as nonchalantly as she can, “Anywhere. Wherever I want.”
“Take me next time.”
She pauses her sip to ogle. “Hm?”
“Take me. I wanna see what’s fun for you.”
Ellie huffs a shocked laugh, “No, you don’t.”
You squint, “Yes, I do. That’s why I’m asking to see.”
“It’s not your scene, dude, trust m—“
She jolts where she sits when a hand — your hand, soft and agile and cold, slams down on the table, rattling both your mugs and the vase that holds dead flowers, nearly shattering the glass with an accusatory finger.
“You dunno know shit about me! I’m fucking going whether you like it or not! Whether she likes it or not, and if I have to do it myself, I fucking will, you fucking psychotic fucking bitch!”
You rise and stomp to where she sits with a pounding heart and a lecherous swirl in her gut. You look about ready to slice her open with a blunt butter knife.
“You treat me like fucking trash just like everyone else,” You whisper venomously, and Ellie shakes, “The least you could do is listen for once. Scared to take me to the place you cheat on me at? Don’t want me to see it? That’d be too real, huh?”
Ellie exhales a shaky breath of your name, but your nails, cut and manicured to perfection, sink into her cheeks so tightly that she winces and blushes and her tummy twists with heat. You don’t flinch when her fingers delicately entangle around your wrist; doesn’t want you to think she’s holding you there even though she is.
“You’re gonna show me a good time tonight. If it’s as fun as you say, that shouldn’t be an issue, right?”
Her eyes must read yes, yes, it’s not a problem; Your grin is wild like a hyena; pretty lips swelled around pretty teeth and you always smell good. Caramelized sugar and nectar.
“Who knows,” You purr and Ellie feels goosebumps forming, “Maybe I can meet one of your little friends.”
She chokes around a gasp before her lips curl into a conniving grin, cheeks plush around your fingers, “Aren’t you a little hussy.”
“Fuck you.” You shove her so hard her back collides with the seat but her eyes glow pink. She watches you leave the kitchen and stomp up the steps with a burning chest until a door slams from upstairs. She releases a breath she didn't realize she was holding, wracked and desperate.
-
-
-
Ellie will never admit — or maybe she will, but she purposefully uses your shared bathroom to catch glimpses at you. She always expects to find you out cold and wrapped in warm blankets, chest fluttering with each twitch of your socked feet that peek from below the blankets.
What she doesn’t expect to see, though, is your phone shattered to pieces and left to drown in the clogged sink. Right next to a weighted rubber mallet; Where’d you find that? All your pent up emotions were taken out on your device… and the counter, apparently. The marble is chipped.
She can only laugh in astonishment. Amazement. Fear when she realizes…
Your mom.
Did you ever answer the phone?
Another day you’ve slept away. Either you were dreaming or someone was holding you suffocatingly tight; you enjoyed it, strangely. The sun is completely gone and there’s rustling and music echoing from the bathroom. Ellie’s in there.
All the blood rushes to your head with how quickly you sit up, but your feet carry you past your closets until the light from the room sizzles your vision.
Your wife stands by the mirror, drying her hair with a towel with a cigarette between her fingers. The guitar synths coming from her phone are grinding in your ears.
Is she really keeping her promise?
Did she promise to take you? You don’t remember.
“Hi.” Her eyes meet yours in the mirror and your spine twitches. You say nothing, so she chuffs with a teasing lift of her lips, “Chickenin’ out?”
“No.”
“K.”
“What do I wear?”
She shrugs, “Whatever you want to.” She speaks around smoke and her timbre’s dry.
“What are you wearing?”
“Whatever I want to.”
She must sense your skepticism because she’s suddenly reassuring, voice crackly, “You’re not under any expectations tonight. You wanted me to show you what I do for fun, and I’m gonna. You just have to do your part and enjoy it.”
Your nails dig into your thighs while you watch her. She has her ring on and her body wash coats the room in cinnamon. With a pounding heart, your hands slowly drag up your sides, fingers dragging at the hem of your shirt. She’s not looking.
Enjoy it…
“Did you eat today?”
“No.”
She gives you a look. Stern. What is she mad about? Your tummy flutters, “There’s leftovers downstairs, you can have ‘em,” She shakes her wet hair and puts on her glasses, checks her watch, checks her phone, hits her cigarette. “We’re kinda behind so you should get read—“
Enjoy it.
Her eyes meet where your shirt drops to the floor, breasts on display while your hands inch up your legs to drag your shorts down, all while you watch her. And she watches you. It’s overwhelming, your wife as an audience while you undress. But she told you to enjoy it. Enjoy the night. Enjoy the stares. Enjoy the attention. Enjoy her, for once. It all seeps into your pores. You step out of your bottoms and peel your socks off.
Ellie drinks you in slowly. Says nothing. Simply takes her time memorizing every line, curve, dip, scar of you. You like how ravenous she looks. The sin in her pupils only darkens when your thumbs hook in your underwear to shed them. They dangle from your index finger when you walk; You smile when her throat jumps.
She watches your filled hand travel to her pant pocket to shove the flimsy cloth in. The muscles in her back twitch when your finger traces her spine. Ellie’s pretty, littered in cute, red and brown spots.
“I’m gonna shower.” Your lips brush her ear, and goosebumps rise all over her arms. Her eyes flutter in a pleasant blink, nodding in understanding.
Your wife takes her lighter and reignites your favorite candle while your water warms. How sweet of her to set the mood for you.
Ellie finishes her cigarette while you lather, watching her through the fogged glass of the shower walls, massaging soapy hands into your breasts and your legs and everywhere. She lights another at some point, bent over the counter while she smokes, ogling you through the mirror shamelessly. You smile when it settles in your chest.
You’re gonna fuck your wife tonight.
What a fucking oddball you are. It’s cute. A little sexy, too. Only a little, she swears.
… Fuck.
She waits for you on the bed, dressed and jewelried, fiddling with her watch out of nerves because what the fuck are you playing at? Whiplash; that’s what she’s had all fucking day because of you. She works in the morning, for fucks sake.
Still…
Does she deserve this sudden… What the fuck even is this? Certainly not affection; you nearly strangled her at the dining table. Attention, possibly? Seduction? She’s wired to hell, she wants you so bad. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
She could act on her attraction, sure. She’s positive you’d allow her to take whatever she wanted because that’s what you’re trained to do; to satisfy your partner — husband, she imagines your mother grating — in any way he desires. But Ellie’s not a man, and she doesn’t want that. She needs you to love it, to crave it as much as she does. To take from her like she dreams of taking from you. Ellie needs you to batter her, and if you’d like, she’ll do the same to you.
If only you’d give her something tangible. Teasing isn’t enough. She’s desperate to get a grasp on your headspace; she wishes she could prick and prod at your brain for a second. What an experience that would be.
You enter the bedroom like a ghost; hair still wet and coily, dressed in all black like she is, only decorated with gloss and earrings. No heels either. Just very shimmery looking flip-flops. Ellie bites down a smile.
“Where are we going?”
She shrugs at your inquiry, “Somewhere really, really loud.”
“Will people find us?” Paps, you mean. Ellie denies.
“Not where I’m taking you.”
“Must be secretive.”
She tuts, “Not… well, maybe. It’s fun though. I think you’ll like it.”
“Okay.”
Ellie stands with her wallet and keys and kiddingly offers you an arm to hold onto. “M’lady.”
But you don’t accept it; back turned, halfway out of the room towards the stairs.
Pleasant. She doesn’t mean to smile.
She makes sure to grab the to-go box from earlier before locking the front door behind her.
It is very loud here. And hot. And raunchy.
… You like that. Your mom would have a heart attack if she were to ever walk in here.
The trip to this whatever, wherever place was pretty far. You counted every second of the nearly hour ride, mainly because Ellie’s jittery knee made you nervous. It’s smaller than you assumed, but not quaint. Not at all. There's a ruckus from the entrance to the back exit, people your age and older, screaming and shouting words that you don’t know while people pound on drums and shred on guitar. They sweat through their clothes while their makeup streaks down their faces as they make love to microphone stands.
… Better than tea time, you suppose. How exhilarating. Your heart’s pounding like crazy.
Not much can be said between you and Ellie. You can’t hear over the bass and rumbles from the floor but she holds your hand and small purse. Guides you to a small section in the back with a bar. She hands the tender her card and… that’s it. Four clear, questionably large shots are poured and slid to her like nothing. You want all of them.
Ellie seems so at home as she guides you, already a burning shot down, into the crowd. You’re shoved instantly by party goers, but she catches you, holds you strongly. You look at her, puzzled with shock, but she uncaringly lifts her shoulders, downs a shot, and starts thrashing.
Your jaw slacks and lights beam and flicker at a rapid pace but you’re smiling. Your wife meshes with the scene so nicely. You wanna be like that. So you follow. You drink and jump and flail and scream your head off.
You and your wife are synched for once. Terrible dancers. No rhythm whatsoever. Who cares who cares who cares.
You wish your mom was here to see you like this. You hope your mom’s dead so she never has to see you like this. A thought so dark shouldn’t bring you this much joy. You laugh and holler at the imagery. Blood all over the marble. Blood all over the doors of your childhood home. Blood blood blood everywhere because they deserve it. Look at what they’ve done to you. Sick evil people.
You wanna kill your stepfather. This music makes you wanna kill your stepfather. It’s gorey in itself, almost. Abborherent verbiage. You think Ellie wants to kill your stepfather, too. You should ask her later. Maybe when you're both sober. Maybe you should make your mom watch you skin him alive. Him dying would damage her more than you ever could.
When your eyes open, Ellie’s gawking at you, seemingly surprised. Impressed? She holds your cheeks to get your attention, gesturing, asking if you want another drink. You nod and shout in her face and she laughs. Ellie holds you by the waist and guides you to the bar. The bartender must like Ellie. You leave with a full bottle this time.
You and Ellie pass it between yourselves, the night becoming more and more broken. Touchy. Feely. Ellie rubs all over you while you pour liquor into her mouth. A bit dribbles down the sides but she doesn’t care. You don’t either. So you lick the drops from her neck like a cat with milk. Ellie stops and you stop and everything stops. It’s just the two of you, suddenly; all other patrons evaporate to nothingness. Her eyes are blown and heavy as she searches your face, and they halt their wandering at your lips. She’s thinking about it; You want her to see how bad you crave it. Even if it’s just for a second. She smiles, pleased. You shudder.
But she doesn’t do it. She spins you so your back is against her chest, lips at your neck while she pushes her hips into your ass. She’s messy, drenching your already sweaty neck in spit. Her nails dig into the fabric of your dress, guiding your hips, swaying you on her. You follow. You follow so blindly because you like her hands on you a little too much. You drink and drink and drink. Everything feels light. Good.
You think Ellie’s speaking to you. Or singing words in your ear. Or maybe she isn't speaking at all. You’re not sure, but your face is burning hot. She tongues at your ear and you make a noise that you can’t hear but hope she can. You need this.
Her hands are suddenly slow where they crawl up your sides until they rest on your breasts. Your empty hand lands on one of hers to squeeze so that she can squeeze you. You feel her smiling on your skin when your jaw slacks.
Your head turns to chase her mouth, but she does you one better. Whisks you once more so your chests smash together. She snatches the bottle from your hand, takes one last swig before passing it to eager, drunk hands that wave from behind. You gasp when her thumb catches your bottom lip, pulls it down to get your mouth open enough for her to dribble liquor into. You moan loud enough for Ellie to hear over those booming drums, swallowing down everything she gives, nails sank into her waist while her hips push into yours. When you swallow the last drops, she kisses you. Messy and hot, tongue and teeth; it gets your heart singing. Her pink muscle swirls inside of your mouth and your arms wrap around her neck, yanking her into you so no space is left. Her hands are everywhere; tangled in your hair, grabbing at your hips, your ass, your thighs. Everywhere everywhere everywhere like she can’t get enough of you. You’re overwhelmed and high out of your mind but you follow her guide. Anywhere she wants you, you are.
Maybe you’re just as bad as she is. After everything she’s done, you should hate her. You think you do. You hate her for leaving you. You hate her for embarrassing you. Abandonment. Her only gift to you. Maybe that’s why you kiss her with such conviction.
Her touch is passionate; strong but not forceful. She breathes you in like a rarity, something she treasures, all while she licks and tugs at you like a slut. There’s a pulse deep within you when her lips enclose around your tongue to suck it. Your thighs squeeze and she grins madly, giving you one last innocent peck before she grabs your hand to spin you. You laugh and twirl with her.
You understand why people fall in love so fast. You hate that you’re one of them.
Or are you simply as delusional as they come?
You’re even more enthralling when free of restraint.
Ellie’s drunk and sweaty and exhausted but she uses every last bit of strength to stare at you. She sits at the bar as the crowd dwindles, artist after artist, established or aspiring, all go on to perform, and you haven’t taken a break once. You simply twirl and spin and mouth incorrect lyrics with the widest smile on your face, all while Ellie brings you her drinks to finish.
You’ve been here for hours it seems, but Ellie can’t drive. But the night is young. You certainly don’t look ready to go home.
What more can she show you?
“Thank you all for comin’ out! Tonight was a dream—“
You’re a dream, Her chest screams. You you you you fuck—
You clap like the happiest seal on the planet before spinning around to face Ellie. It happens in flashes: you come closer and closer until you’re in front of her, warm hands on her cheeks, ears tingling when you whisper,
“I didn’t get to meet your sluts.”
You sound upset about it. Ellie stumbles about how they didn’t come, how they’re not here. How she doesn’t wanna see them right now and she means it all, but you don’t believe her, and her chest hurts. Guilty guilty guilty.
“Get up.” You step away and Ellie pains to pull you back, savor the night a second longer. But she signs the receipt before following you towards the exit. The cold air feels so good. She needs water now.
She gives you a little yank when you start wandering the opposing direction, “Come… come here. This way.”
You grin and slur, “Where to?”
Ellie’s brows wiggle playfully, “Gas station. You hungry?”
“…Yes.”
Ellie extends her hand for you to hold, and surprisingly, you accept. Her heart jolts to life.
The walk is quiet. Your eyes are glued to the sky, wide and innocent; the large moon entrances you, surrounded by glittery stars. You both wobble down the sidewalk, trying to avoid bumping into pedestrians and other drunkards. She thought the rowdiness of nightlife would frighten you, but you seem drawn to the chaos.
Soon enough, you’re both surrounded by aisles filled with chips and sodas and a fuck ton of candy. Ellie cringes at the fond stares she gives you holding 4 packs of watermelon sour patches. You’re cute as hell right now. Have you never been to a convenience store? What the fuck.
“El! El, what the fuck! Where ya been!”
Her sluggish brain is trying — really trying to figure out who the hell just left the staff room and is walking towards the two of you. It’s someone that knows her name or whatever shortened version they’ve created and the closer this person gets the more you shield yourself behind her fuck fuck fuck
Arms latch around her neck in a strong hug. Muscular, nice voice, smells like cherries.
Abigail Anderson. Shoulda known. Great.
“Jesus fuck, you smell like my dad’s liquor cabinet! We fucking missed you! We haven’t seen you in…”
When Abby pulls back, her eyes immediately find you. Ellie steals a glance; eyes wide, soft with curiosity. They darken slightly when they lock onto Abby’s shoulders, all the way down to her arms and Ellie… why the fuck does that annoy her?
“Who’s that,” Abby whispers suggestively and Ellie sighs. Scratches at her eye in irritation.
“I’m her wife.” You say causally, and it shocks both of them. Abby moreso. Did Ellie never tell her? She’s sure she did. Everyone knows she’s married… right?
“Wh— wife?” Her eyes shift onto Ellie, “Bitch, you got married? What the fuc— when—“
“3 months ago.” You answer.
“Fucking — holy shit. Congrats? Uhh… sorry! Nice to meet you! You’re gorgeous, by the way,” She stutters to shake your hand, but you accept it, “I’m Abby!”
“Hi.” You smile in delight and your shoulders relax. Abby smiles just as gently and Ellie thinks it’s time to go because you’re both getting on her nerves.
“Alright, well, we're gonna pay, so… yeah. I’ll text you tomorrow or something. We’re tired.”
“Mhmm,” Abby hums cockily, eyes glued to the mess Ellie made of your neck, “Looks like y’all had a great time.”
“We did,” She confirms with pointed eyes, “See ya.”
“Byeee.” Abby sing-songs with a chuckle before Ellie leads you towards the service counter to dump your snacks. Ellie gives the cashier a familiar nod.
“Is she who you fuck?”
Ellie chokes on her water and the cashier gawks at you from behind their reading glasses. You couldn’t have been any fucking louder in that moment, what the fuck.
“What—“
“Do you fuck Abby? I hope not in that bathroom,” You clumsily point to the gender neutral sign near the entrance. “I heard they’re filthy—“
Ellie whispers even though there’s no point, “Dude, are you fucking crazy—“
“… It's just a question—“
“Have a nice night.”
The cashier rigidly hands Ellie her a stuffed baggie and receipt. She snatches them before snatching you to leave. She drops your hand the second briskness surrounds you, “The fuck was that about?” Her chips are calling her. She needs a stress reliever.
“What—“
She squeezes the bag and the pop rings like a gunshot, “Why the fuck are you asking if I fucked Abby? What the fuck—“
“She’s hot and you kinda are… to a certain degree, I guess. I just assumed.”
Ellie’s appalled, but doesn’t have the energy to look offended. “Stop assuming, it’s… that’s fucking weird—“
You simply shove tiny watermelon slices in your mouth and steal her water to chug it. She watches you impatiently before you hand the crumpled, half-empty plastic back to her. She downs the rest and discards it some-fucking-where.
Her thoughts are clouded. Did she fuck Abby? Are you forreal—
“I don’t care, you know.”
“About what?”
You shrug, “If you fuck her.”
“Please be quiet.”
“Okay.”
You both do for a while, dead grass and Dorritos crunching around you.
Until Ellie speaks again.
“You’re quiet.”
“Mhm.”
“Sleepy?”
“Nmhm.”
Wide awake, actually. The world passes you by with each step the two of you take, swirling with bright lights and laughter. You follow Ellie closely, handfuls of candy shoved in your mouth while she munches on her chips. You never had those orange triangles before. Neither of you are in a rush to make it back to the car. Can Ellie drive in this state?
“Do you, uh, like places like that? Concerts?”
“Yes.” You break out in a grin.
“What else do you like?”
“I dunno. I haven’t… experienced much.” You shrug, accidentally brushing against your wife’s shoulder. Electricity sparks near the end of your spine where a steadying hand rests. “Your friend… does she go with you? To concerts?”
“Who?”
“Aaabby.” You tease, mocking the blonde girl from earlier, and Ellie’s expressions flattens. She's unsure why.
“Oh, uh… yeah,” Her chip bag is suddenly very interesting. “Sometimes. I met her at one a few years back after a showcase I hosted.”
“I like her.” She’s nice and smells nicer. You regret not shaking her seemingly strong hand a few seconds longer. Strong all over, actually.
“… Uh huh.”
Your brow arches at that, “Does that bother you?”
“Why the fuck would it bother me? You can like whoever.”
“Exactly how you like whoever, huh?” You sneer lazily, and Ellie goes stoic. And just like that, the conversation dies once more. You’re glad for it; selfishly, you’d rather refrain from telling your wife about how attractive you found her friend. She’s left you guessing under too many circumstances. Consider this a sliver of revenge.
You both make it back to the parking lot in silence, minus Ellie’s agitated crunching. You lean against the passenger door while you watch her dig around for the keys.
“Where to?”
“It's almost 4 in the morning.” She hisses.
“So?” You came home later than that for weeks. You wanna say it. You should say it. Grind your thumb deeper into that open wound, but you save it. Another day, maybe. Maybe not.
“So we’re going home. I’m tired.”
“Well, I’m not.”
“Okay? Whatever, I’ll drop you off somewhere.”
“You wouldn’t leave your poor, defenseless wife unattended, would you?” You whisper slowly, and Ellie tenses when you plant a soft hand on her shoulder. She doesn’t acknowledge you, just stares through the window behind you. You scoff and drop it by your side. Cross your arms stubbornly.
“You’re mad because I like Abby.”
“There’s nothing for you to like! You just met her.” Her voice raises, and annoyance flares in you.
“Exactly! I just met her, and I like her! The fuck did you think I was gonna do? Flash her right in front of the gummy worms?”
“I don’t know! Fucking maybe!”
“So you can fuck other people but I can’t?”
Ellie’s very close to you suddenly. Your heart jumps, “Oh, now you wanna fuck Abby? She’s the first person you’ve interacted with besides me since we got fucking married!”
“SO?” You holler.
“SO YOU’RE NOT FUCKING MY FRIEND! ARE YOU INSANE!” Speckles of spit land on your face and it sizzles into your pores. You might be. You fucking are. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Ellie’s forcing herself into your space, so why do you fight? Why are you hungry?
Your palms crash into her chest and she nearly loses her balance, “I DON’T NEED PERMISSION FROM YOU! WE’LL FINALLY BE EVEN, YOU FUCKING WHORE!”
“Yeah? Think Imma fucking whore?” Her grin is sinister, and excitement coils in your belly. Gets your fingers twitching from how hard they’re clenched.
“Maybe I do.” Vehemence scathed your tongue.
“You know what I think?”
“I don’t care—“
“I think you do.” She mumbles against your cheek, “I think you’re jealous.”
You still. Ellie’s eyes pierce through yours, burning and hot, nostrils flared: she looks like she could snap you in half. Your spine tingles with delirium.
“You’re mad because I get to be. I can exist and fuck and party and come and go as I please and you hate it. You wish you could do what I do.” She stares like you killed her mother yourself. Strangled her with your bare hands. “I don’t have mommy and daddy breathing down my neck every 2 seconds. You want that so bad it makes you sick.”
“So why stay?”
It shocks her. You don’t waver; passive as usual.
“You’re free and can do whatever you want, right? Why are you here? Go and be that. Be whoever you wanna be because you can.”
Everything will be over soon. Might as well. Ellie simply glares through you.
Curiosity is your worst enemy. Might as well ask.
“Why’d you defend me at dinner?”
What does she know what does she know what does she know what
She rubs her eyes stubbornly, “Oh my fucking god, who gives a fuck!”
“Me! I give a fuck! Why’d you do it! Why! You’ve never done it before!”
She knows she knows she knows she knows she knows she knows
“BECAUSE FUCK HIM! FUCK EVERYBODY THAT DID THIS TO US! FUCK YOU, TOO!”
You might cry, you might not. You’re unsure of everything and you’re angry and hurting. Ellie’s a reflection of you, and vise-versa. You hate her hate her hate her.
Hatred. It might be the reason why kissing her feels so good. Because it shouldn’t be happening. Ellie shouldn’t have you trapped between her and her car, grinding so harshly into you that your spine bends. You shouldn’t tug at her hair to expose her neck to lick and suck and bite her neck red while she curses in your ear.
This is the distraction you’ve been desperately searching for. To think you’d find it in your wife after all this time.
“I’d be a whore for you,” She shamelessly seers against your throat, hands wandering to unbutton her own pants, “You know that, right?”
… That’s cute. Makes you blush.
“Yeah?” Her laugh is thick like syrup, “Gets you hot? Knowing how easily I’d give it up for you?”
That sideways grin makes you tick. Your hand closes tight around her throat and she nearly bloodies her bottom lip with her fangs. Your wife looks pathetic; thumbs hooked into her pants, so ready to drop them for you in the middle of the parking lot. People are wandering about; she’s willing to fuck in front of them?
How pretty would she look trying to be quiet for you? Nervous eyes searching for privacy, praying no one walks by and sees her on the edge with your hand down her underwear. Hopefully no one recognizes her, pulls out their phone, records the two of you. Blasts you both on social media while Ellie moans in your mouth. What would people think? Your families? How ashamed would they be? Their two girls making a mess of themselves in public.
The thought makes you smile. Scares you. Makes you choke her harder. Her pained whine vibrates in your palm.
“Get the fuck in the car.”
The windows fog with the heat of your bodies; her body trapped beneath yours in the back seat that’s roomier than you anticipated. She rolls your hips on top of her, desperate and eager to rip your fucking clothes off and feel you for real. Your dress rests around your hips, your panties on display and she wishes she could see them. She only has her hands for reference, tracing over each thin seam littered with lace and patterns she tries to memorize. Your tongue belongs in her mouth. You feel so fucking good; you’re not close enough. She needs you closer.
Her mouth chases yours when you finally separate, only connected by a thin string of saliva, but a stern hand collides with her chest to keep her flat. Her hands tickle your waist. Rests your dress even higher until she can see your belly button.
“Wanna know a secret?” You whisper down at her, and she smirks.
“I know you’re a virgin, baby.” She whispers giddily, and your teeth grit. A flame coils in your chest. You ignore her.
“You could’ve had me after our wedding, you know? With my face buried in the pillows and my ass in your face. I would’ve let you do whatever you wanted that night.”
Your sudden vulgarity stuns her silent. Your wife looks like she’s imagining it; lip bruised from both your and her teeth, mind racing with filth of you in every position she can think of. She wouldn’t have been able to separate from you if that was the case. It’s one of the reasons she kept her distance; those pretty brown eyes rolled back would’ve put her underground. She’d never tell you that.
“But no,” You say like it aches, “You wanted to go and bend over all those girls that follow you around like fucking dogs. You wanted a bitch, not a wife. Right or wrong?”
She can barely breathe and your hand pressing on her chest isn’t helping; reduces her to sharp gasps that make her lightheaded. The more ragged they become, the harder you press. Your brow arches when she innocently bares her teeth.
Her palms squeeze at your ass, “I thought about you the entire time—“
Your hand cracks and her head flies to the side. Right on her left cheek is the already reddening imprint of your hand. The crackles in your palm are numbed by the alcohol and your core burns at the shock on her face. She gawks off to the side, that meddling smile dropped completely, chest ragged with her breaths.
“Ellie, put your hands down.” You spit, and they drop from you completely, palms flat on the seat beneath her.
“You had every chance to do right by me and you wasted every single one.” You sound like you’re about to cry; Ellie’s too scared to look at you. Not the good scared that she’s felt around you this entire time, but a hollow scared. The one that freezes you. Her fight or flight is triggered.
“I think you owe me an apology.” You whisper against her burning face before you kiss it gently. A pained groan escapes her, and you laugh. Loud, in her face. Even louder when she tries to grind her hips up into you.
“Take us home, wife.”
#ellie williams#ellie williams smut#lesbian#works 𖧧࣪#arrangedmarriage!au#ellie the last of us#ellie x reader#ellie williams au#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams tlou#black!oc#black!reader#ellie tlou#ellie x fem reader#ellie williams angst
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want more, rafe cameron
When reader and Rafe have been sneaking around with each other for the last two months, y/n can't help but want more. Bringing this up with him, she's under the impression he's embarrassed to be seen with a pogue.
warnings: swearing, insecurities, arguing, mentions of sex, angst, always a sucker for a happy ending though, it's a looong one <33
pairing: rafe cameron x fwbpogue!reader
Y/n was sat on the little bench outside her small home, right by the water as the wind blew through her hair. Her knees were tucked up to her chin as the kook boy who usually plagued her thoughts did just that, sink into her mind.
It was never meant to be more than a good time, something to pass the summer. He made her feel good - in more ways than one - he would take her out on dates, whisper sweet words to her, and the way he looked at her. She could swear he was in love, that he was just as infatuated with her as she was him. But the way he only took her to private and secluded places, the way his words were the most affectionate when he was deep inside her, the way he would put space between them whenever he saw someone he recognised. These small things, things he may not even realise he does, they all reminded her that she wasn't anything to him. He would never let himself fully be hers, he could never let his reputation fall like that.
He gave her just enough that she felt completely and utterly consumed by him. Craved his attention, his touch, even a small message would complete her day. However, as time went on she knew she needed more, she knew that she couldn't bear much more before she completely lost herself to please him.
"Come over" The message catches her attention, the illuminated screen laying on the bench beside her pulling her from her wandering thoughts.
She knew the message was from Rafe before her eyes even flicked to the screen, she never really had anyone else calling on her. It wasn't that she didn't have any friends, but she wasn't one to go out and the friends she kept knew that.
A couple weeks ago, she would've been on her way to his before she could even start replying, no thought needed except the thought of being in his proximity. Now, however, she was tired. Tired and sad, feeling pathetic really after spending so long thinking about him.
"feeling tired tonight. sorry, rafe" She replies slowly, her heart pounding as she sends it. She turns her phone back off, yet before she can place her phone back down her screen lights up with another message from him.
"Please, baby. I need you" He responds, her heart sinks. She doesn't know how much more she can stand up for herself, fighting that craving feeling she has for him.
"not in the mood rn tbh" She tries to stay strong, holding onto that tiny bit of dignity she has left in her.
"Don't even need to fuck"
"Just wanna be close to you"
Her heart pounds faster and her breathing is shaky. Fingers hovering over her illuminated screen. Every possible message she could write spinning though her head.
"you can come over then" She types out, deletes and types out again. She had never been so unsure in herself before, never doubted her own thoughts like this. But she sends it, stopping herself from contemplating and worrying further.
Rafe had been to her place a couple of times before, only ever to pick her up. Each visit shorter than the last, hurrying to leave as if humiliated to be caught in such a place. It made her feel ashamed of who she was, how she grew up and she felt even more embarrassed that she let a guy make her feel so insecure about something that could never change, something that literally made her who she was.
"Coming" The phone lights up for a last time in her hands and when her eyes run over the message she is filled with surprise and even more shame as her heart warms for him. She knows that him visiting her is the bare minimum. That being able to step foot in the place she calls home should not be seen as a difficult task. But she feels happy that he's coming to see her because he wants to.
She sits with her pathetic thoughts as she waits for him. Curling up on the bench as she watches the way the pearly moonlight glimmers across the waves perfectly. The soft wind sending chills down her spine and strands of her hair across her face.
"Y/n?" She hears his voice call out and for a moment she feels like she's lost hers. "Baby?"
"Yeah, around here" She replies softly as she sees him bend round the corner of her home. She has a tiny smile on her face, never fully reaching her eyes.
"Something wrong, pretty girl?" He mutters softly as he moves to sit next to her on the bench. He's dressed in sweats and she can only assume he's been relaxing at home prior to coming over. He gently takes her bare legs and slides them onto his lap. He can't help but let his eyes rake over her perfect body. The way she looks so small in his shirt he must've let her borrow once and some pyjama shorts. Yet for the first time, he puts aside his vulgar thoughts because he can tell she's unhappy.
Her eyes look into his, the way he's cracked open her feelings so easily, reading her like a book despite keeping a wall up of his own. Her breath shaky again as she gives a small shrug, her eyes dropping down to his hands. The way his thumb gently runs back and forth over her knee.
"Talk to me" He says softly, the crease between his brows deepening as he loses her gaze.
"Do you even care?" She voices gently. Not looking at him, to maintain the little power she has left over herself.
"What?" He mumbles with confusion, his body straightening up as he didn't expect such blunt thoughts from her.
"Do you even care that I'm upset? Or what I'm upset about?" She mumbles a bit louder as her gaze moves back over to the glistening waves ahead of them.
"O-of course I do, I don't understand?" He mutters as his thumb stops the stroking and instead slides to her chin, moving her face to look at him.
"I mean we aren't dating, and it feels like you've never really cared about how I feel outside the sex." She tells him for the first time. The tension feels suffocating, yet at the same time the weight off her shoulders is so liberating.
"That's what you think?" He asks her, a strong tone of annoyance or maybe disappointment.
The eye contact between them so intense that she feels as though she needs to take a deep breath before replying or she might pass out. "That's exactly how it feels." She admits gently with a shrug.
"That's not what this is." He says firmly, shaking his head as his hand slips off her chin and runs down his face with a huff.
"You're embarrassed to be seen with me. Face it, Rafe. It's not like we're dating. You only keep me around for a good fuck." She says shakily, running off adrenaline and the fact that there's no use stopping now that she's started.
"You don't embarrass me, I'm just not ready to make things official." He tells her unwaveringly, yet his eyes darting towards the water, the ground, her. Everything about his body and words make him seem so secure in himself. Yet his eyes express all his true emotions, how hesitant and insecure he really feels.
"God, Rafe. You can barely be seen with me, and I can't bear to be just some girl you fuck and take out secretly." She tells him, her throat feeling scratchy and sore as her eyes water lightly. She curses herself for getting so emotional, it wasn't even that serious yet she couldn't keep herself together.
His heart breaks, pained as she expresses her feelings to him, pained as he watches her fall apart in front of him. "I'm sorry for making you feel that way." He mutters gently.
"Don't be. You never promised me anything more than what you've given me." She shakes her head gently, as her eyes look at the side of his face.
"I want to give you more, I want to promise you the world." He whispers with his head in his hands.
"I can't continue feeling like this, Rafe." She tells him softly, "I can't handle craving you privately."
"I didn't know you felt like this..." He replies shamefully, his hands sliding down his face as he turns to look at her with torment. His eyes are glossy and his jaw is clenched, he doesn't know what there is to say to make this better.
"Don't bullshit." She mumble with a soft frown, not believing for a second that he didn't know she was completely infatuated with him.
"No, y/n. I mean it. I've... I feel for you. And I don't know how to handle it, express it. Fuck. I'm a mess, baby." He spills to her helplessly. "If I knew how I was hurting you, I would've done something, said something. I just- it's so difficult for me." His voice rasps and cracks unsteadily.
She doesn't know what to say, heart pounding as she watches his sincerity. She fiddles with her fingers anxiously as she tries to think of anything to reply with.
"Please believe me, pretty girl" He practically whimpers, his hands itching to feel her near him.
"What are we gonna do?" She whispers as she looks down at her hands. "Something needs to change... I can't go on like this" She tells him.
"I wanna make you mine." He tells her, giving in to his desperation to be close to her as his hand moves to rest on her anxiously fidgeting fingers.
"What's holding you back?" She mumbles as her eyes remain glued to their hands, fluttering closed for a moment as she soaks in the warmth of his hand.
"I-I don't know. I just, I feel so stupid because I want to give you the world but I'm the one stopping myself from giving it to you." He opens up quietly, his eyes boring into the side of her face. "But I know I need you, for more than just your body. I need you in every way I can have you." He whispers to her, gently pulling her closer so that his lips brush the shell of her ear. His closeness, warmth and the way his breath tickles her ear shoots a shiver down her spine.
"Please let me have you."
(a/n: i had to end it there or i would keep writing all night, i hope you all enjoyed!!)
#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#obx fic#obx#obx season 4#rafe obx#rafe x reader#pogue reader#rafe x fwb!reader
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I have been CHILLING this week post-Vengeance saga release! I managed to avoid debilitating stress and anxiety from the onslaught of fan stuff by simply avoiding all social media for the first two days, so it's been good!
However, I am now BACK, dumping my immediate reaction of the saga from a week ago. I thought I was ready. I was not ready. 600 Strike blew my mind. I was left staring blankly at my ceiling. Jorge please rest sometime, I'm begging you. The amount of talent beaming through my screen is exhausting even me.
Also, to every cast member and collaborator and behind the scenes person: y'all are amazing. Like seriously. I hope you all get a yummy drink and a cozy blanket and just. Bask in the satisfaction of a job well done. Hats off to y'all fr.
Anyways! I keysmashed the following at around midnight, 14 hours before the livestream ('cause australia is the superior timezone /j). Be warned there's LOTS of swearing 'cause sleep deprivation + incoherent excitement lol
AHHH IT'S GO TIME
Ok it's starting the same as the Goodspeed festival showed. Tho, the first lead in sound thing reminds me of Lucids.
Gorgeous vocals. Hate Calypso, love Wangui fr
"Let me speak!" She really doesn't care about his feelings huh. I noticed in LIP as well, she always makes it about her, which is absolutely in character.
Those ensemble harmonies tho!!
"... You do?" Girl you literally told him to lie smh
"Why in the world won't you love me too?" 'Cause he has a WIFE
IT'S HERMES TIME
FSA melody? YO??
"Cause I had one goal in mind..." the silence where the crew's chorus would come in is PAINFUL
BAG?? HERMES!!
"Hello old friend!" Grinning so hard rn
"Well it's a little bit ✨dangerous✨" AHHH IT'S HAPPENING
Fingertapping and headbopping to this chorus
"Put your whole braiin in it!" I love how he says that sm
"And lastly the wind bag" NEW STUFF
WINIONS
Wow ok I did not expect the wind bag to show up again. Tho it makes sense; this is probs the storm that Ody told Sirenelope kept blocking the way home
ODY SINGING THE CHORUS!!!!
RUTHLESSNESS MENTION
"Hermes! Thank you" AHHH THE CALLBACK! He sounds so tired and like down to his bones grateful this time 🥺
"I'm not the one who fought for you!" MY EYES WIDENED SO FAR. WE ALMOST GOT AN ATHENA NAMEDROP. I'll settle for the reference to her
Okeee. Charybdis!!
Oooh it's just like in the reference vid. No lyrics for this start part!
The 5/4 is amazing. And the electric guitar!!
God this song is SO BADASS
LETS GOOOO ODY!!!
ahhh I KNEW there'd be some sort of soft KYFC esque "I can't wait to make some new memories" type verse AND I WAS RIGHT
he sees ithaca!! Oh god poseidon's gonna show up isn't he
my heart's beating so fast i'm scared
PENELOPEEE
the ELECTRONIC DISTORTION OH NO IT'S HIM
RIGHT INTO GET IN THE WATER AHHH
"Coward" AHHHH I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE FINALY HEARING THIS FOR REAL
"That's when our paths collide!" THE RASP
"Now get in the water" Oh shiiiit here we go
the choir is so eerie
"GET IN THE WATER" THE GROWL
"aren't you tired poseidon" ooh it's this part!!
ha he changed it to ten years instead of eight like the demo had XD
"maybe you can learn to forgive" the line from that one snippet!
"No" oop
"DIE" DAMN that deep echo!!
*underwater sounds* oh shit ody's fucking dying
NO! FUCKING POLITES
EURY
ANTICLEA
FUCK YOU JORGE
THE CREW
WAITING??? EXCUSE ME WTF
AHHHHHH WHY TF DOES JAY LOVE HURTING US SO
HUH? HUH??? WHAT WAS THAT! AND THERE'S A FUCKING AD. Probs good, I need the break but WAHT. I KNEW he'd do another fucking polites reference gods damnit jorge WHEN I CATCH YOU
Ok time to hear 600 strike. Holy shit we're here
ELECTRIC GUITAR LETS GOOO
Aeolus theme. IS HE GONNA OPEN THE WIND BAG AGAIN??
600 MEN MOTIF HOLY SHIT
ANIME SCREAM
HOly shit there's magic sounds happening. I'm really curious about whatever Jorge's cooking up for the animatic in the livestream, 'cause I have no clue what's happening rn 👀
"For every comrade!" FSA melody!
"all those _ who were slaughtered by your hand" hmm I can't quite hear what he's saying there?
wait wait wait he's ACTUALLY using the power of his 600 men!!
"You idiot" damn lol
DIFFERENT BEAST ODY HOLY SHIT
is that a blade sound effect?
WAIT DID HE JUST STAB HIM WITH HIS OWN TRIDENT
HOLY SHIT ODY
HOLY FUCK
POP OFF ODY
OMG "MONSTER" AND THEN "RUTHLESSNESS"
BRO HE'S BEGGING??
*trident drops* hot damn ody
"Next to my wife." OHHHHHHH MIC DROP
Holy FUCK that was crazy
I'm gonna listen to it again.
Ok but holy shit Odysseus literally just tortured a god until he gave in?? Daym ody
Tho I like how he tries using open arms first, and then ruthlessness. He's kinda found a balance? I say kinda, 'cause he went hard on the ruthlessness, but since he sincerely tried to ask Poseidon to just drop the whole thing already, his later actions in 600 Strike feel more warranted.
I honestly don't know how Jorge keeps doing it. He just keeps topping himself! Like! Thunder Bringer? And then God Games?? And now Six Hundred Strike??? They just keep getting better! Banger after banger, like!! How.
Wait I just wanna. Sit with it. Imma lie down and stare at the ceiling for a bit, aight?
... I am shooketh.
But BRO THAT WAS INSANE! ODY FUCKED HIM UPPP
AMAZING BRAVO EXTRODINARY INCREDIBLE SHOWSTOPPING GORGEOUS WONDERFUL HOW DARE YOU
#long post#my posts#epic the musical#epic the vengeance saga#immediate reaction#jorge rivera herrans#pay for my therapy
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Jayce telling vi she won't make it on her own.... okay mr. projector...
#viktor just turned his body into the arcane and you dont even know!!! his leg is purple!!!!#im not going to excuse vi for saying the kid knew what he was getting into bc he didn't bc he is a kid (here we have ms. projector)#but telling jayce he has always been complicit of this he just didnt have to see it... yeah exactly.#and like she obviousky regrets the kid dying but it was jayces fault lmao why does he blow up on her??? the name calling got to him#jayce thinking omg he is going to off himself and viktor just trying to hide the evidence of his murder akdhsksj well yes he does want to...#i was wondering why the council was so Flabbergasted about the nation of zaun?? like they dont care and basically dont intervene#in the undercity bc they don't have any interest or profit in there. they don't gain anything at all from there.#so of course when silco asks jayce says sure fuck it. the only thing the council needs from zaun is the gemstone and its not even theirs#it's probably just fear of agression towards piltover as another nation and not something they can control or repress#silcos reaction to cait being wheeled in akdhaksj it sounds like he said 'what' he probably didnt know the girlfriend part... understandable#i forgor about her bringing the platter out... like ofc i didnt forget it but i didnt see it coming there. with bad memory you can be#surprised every time you watch the same show 👍🏻#i haven't cried because well the foruth time is a stretch now to cry but i still got chills at the end with the missile impacting....#and like whay would have happened if cait didn't free herself.... like ofc she would have bc everyone in that room could have killed her#not vi etc etc but she did just leave her so who knows really#anyways the monsters appearing in jinxs vision when vi mentions her past family is so poignant to her change.... they dont have the intended#reaction vi meant.... and silco is trying to shut her up for jinx's sake and look what happened to him. like vi really couldn't understand#her sister now and maybe back then either.... like not to be a silco apologist but it seems like he was the only one who could handle her#maybe im exaggerating but it would have gone wrong either way i think like no matger how much love there is in between them#idk man its so bad. like maybe this could have been avoided but it would have gone wrong in a different way for sure#and this couldn't have been avoided#talking tag#watching arcane#three weeks away still.... what now....
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I always get detained at da border because PROFUNC never ended but basically I'm like if a targeted individual didn't even care
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Can't wait to see what the consistently uncooperative nurse who answers my GP's messages has to say, if she messages me back. I bet you twenty bucks right now her reply makes it obvious that she didn't even glance at the rest of the thread.
Lady, you have way more going on than me. I know you're busy. I also know I am annoying. I'll stop bothering you if you tell me what you need from me so I can move on to the next step because until you do, I can't. Stop wasting your own time.
#if she flubs the next response i will have to call and insist to talk to someone backstage#which sucks because they're never available and there is for some reason no voicemail so if nobody answers the phone I just get disconnecte#and have to call again and again because even though it's the only way to reach anyone#leaving a message with the front desk only works about every fifth time#so calling and waiting all day for a response x 5 = 1 week#calling the front desk repeatedly eventually gets me connected with someone actually helpful but it takes days usually#the portal summons this woman who does usually answer but is often utterly unhelpful#i would jump clinics but this doctor is good and the nurse i usually see is good#and I CANNOT handle the hassle of getting set up in their system with the right name and pronouns#setting up a new portal#and disclosing that I have PTSD to even more people#I know I don't have to give details and I do not (I did have to call out a woman once for pressing for them inappropriately)#but I do need to let them know so they aren't surprised when I show up having a bad day#or tell them not to do a thing or that I won't do a thing#so they don't brush it off which is rude or try to pressure me which will eventually get them snapped at for what seems like no reason#they DESERVE to be warned so they don't perceive my behavior as targeted at them because that feels shitty to both of us#so yeah#i don't want to have that conversation again when I just had it in a very triggering way and will have to do that again very shortly#also where the fuck do i go when nobody at a good clinic is seeing new patients?
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getting mental healthcare is really cool, its like asking someone to take a sledgehammer to your self-interest and then saying thank you after because it makes your life moderately easier even though you have to deal with this shit now
#red rambles#my psychiatrist wants to put me on anxiety medication to help me sleep because she thinks the issue with me sleeping and stuff is ptsd rela#related and I CANT REALLY ARGUE??? i dont think it is and as far as im concerned i dont feel anxiety at all but like I CANT REALLY ARGUE. i#keep thinking about it because to be completely honest this pisses me off more than i can express in words and ive been gnashing my teeth#about it all afternoon and like i dont think 'i have to play loud and abrasive music at night or else i jerk awake at every sound and can't#convince myself it was nothing and also have auditory hallucina#oh fuck. lmfao i forgot to mention that.#she was even talking about how auditory hallucinations are a lot more significant and i do just kind of have low grade auditory hallucinati#all the fucking time i just dont pay attention to them because i play music and ignore it. hashtag mentally healthy and sound#like im fine the last time i heard a coherent Voice telling me to coherent Do Things i was like 17 lmfao#but i sure do hear footsteps that aren't and breaking glass that isnt and indistinct human voice murmuring sounds that arent all the time#........ fucking i dont feel like emailing her to be like hi i forgot to mention this because i am so good at tuning it all out.#if its that big a deal it'll start mattering for realsies and if its not ill just let it lie until next appointment#ANYWAY THAT DOES KIND OF SOUND LIKE THE BEHAVIORS OF AN ANXIOUS PERSON. A LITTLE.#the jerking awake if there are noises and making up noises to jerk awake to bit. specifically#but also like it doesnt scare me it just makes me wake up and then i am awake and going 'what??? bhuh???' and then im mad im awake but#im not scared very often. it takes a lot. ignore that the last time i got significantly capital s scared was like two weeks ago i thought m#friend's house was on fire and they were about to go to sleep and die. thats a reasonable situation to be freaked out in#ANYWAY THIS PISSES ME OFF REALLY BAD. I DONT LIEK IT.
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there is no possible way to communicate to my fucking roommates that they're not doing their share of the chores in this house without them ignoring or hating me and i feel like i'm going Insane
#i wanna talk about me#i texted this morning saying Hey guys its dirty in here. i'm doing my part now please do yours at some point today too#and just the other minute i checked with the person who's supposed to do the counters if she did them yet#cause they're still fucking dirty.#and she said i cleaned them last night and always does them at night#Well then why is there a fucking oil slick next to the stove that's been there for three days then.#But just me trying as politely as possible to check in and ask 'did you get to the counters yet?' and she got cross with me#i can tell.#and of course she hasn't done the bathroom yet either.#even though it's her week. and was last week too.#but it's still gross.#and she hasn't fucking touched it.#and like#she got way on MY ass months ago for the exact same fucking chores. and not being up to her cleanliness standards#but no matter how many times i try to improve things or speak up nothing changes#if i ask nothing changes. if i keep asking i'm an annoying nag and they hate me!!!#what the fuck am i supposed to do!!#i can't clean an entire house of four people all by myself every week!!#AND WE AGREED TO SHARE THE CLEANING!!!!!!!!!!#WE'VE HAD MULTIPLE HOUSEHOLD MEETINGS ABOUT THIS
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everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn
#self#for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school#and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt#trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house#for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO#and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time#i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it#is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication#which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it#but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can#and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar#but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely#on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment#her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way#i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ???#if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to#hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very#honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer#regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend#i am not the person who put that shit in your folder#though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is#and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building#that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months#yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you#AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!!#BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!!#god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not#im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that#shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything#so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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love waking up to my mom giving me an ultimatum and ordering that i have to give up my (admittedly expensive) apartment 1n 2 weeks and move back home for good. i had stuff to do today but i guess being gripped by dread and anxiety works too
#i had been thinking about moving to a smaller one too. but now she's ordering me to do that#and expects me to move back home#when my university and all of my two friends are in the city.#and i have TWO WEEKS to live here if she wants me to move before summer because i have to go back home anyway in early may#for my summer job.#like sure i wouldve understood like a hey. my child. your financial situation is oretty tough so i have some suggestions that could help#but she was like okay here's whay you do: option a) [something i couldnt do before fall] b) find a cheaper apartment and live in two weeks#c) move home for good and commute over an hour any day you have university stuff to do and also essentially lose access to your#friends and all and any independence you have managed to cobble together so i can treat you like a child and yeall at you#the last part wasnt included but it's what she does anyways so i assume it's part of the deal#then i would have to commute or drive an hour any time i wanted to see either of my friends. after every summer im already#tired and desperate to come back to my apartment to get to be on my own. and now she's saying i have to never do that again#and here's the fuckin thing. her husband is planning on fixing my car. my mom pays my phone bill. i know what a loser i am whatever.#she actually owns my dogs and my childhood home. i cannot. piss her ofd too much. because then i'll lose all of those#phone. whatever i can get a new one. car. slightly more heartbrwakin but like i still own it. but the house?#my dogs?? i think i would rather die atm if im being honest#so what the fuck am i supposed to do. huh.#maybe i should just walk into the sea foe good i feel like that would just so neatly solve all of my problems
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Song of the Day: March 17
"I Like It" by Cardi B, Bad Bunny, J Balvin
#song of the day#a real train-of-thought adventure today#I was talking with Duncan about poor narrative structure in some of the less fortunate parts of our respective fandoms#and I said 'what in the fuck were they trying' and then Cardi B's new song 'Enough (Miami)' started playing in my head#('I'm like What in the Fuck / if you scared then just say that ho Enough is Enough')#I'm a big Cardi B fan she's got great lines and great delivery very very fun#right before 'Enough (Miami)' she put out 'Like What' which is similarly angry and proud and still having fun with it#('I'm rich I ain't gettin in no pool that's not heated')#but more than any other Cardi B song I love 'I Like It'. my absolute favorite#her whole first verse is wonderful but of course nothing compares to the single greatest line#'I like those Balenciagas / the ones that look like socks'#the first time I heard the song actually I was eating a gumball and I swallowed it whole laughing and nearly choked#(her whole verse there does have an incredible rhythm and I do enjoy it all and it does live in my head#and I did for a good couple weeks run the constant risk of being in the office looking for something and saying 'where's my'#and having the lyrics start up in my head. 'where's my pen? bitch I'm signin'#I did say it often enough with that cadence that my boss one day realized what I was doing#she called me Cardi for about a week straight and then intermittently for years after#any time I put my foot down and /made/ something be the way it needed to work she'd call me Cardi again it was wonderful#'yeah they call me Cardi B / I run this shit like cardio'#there's a whole second layer to it if you know my full name and it made her very happy#honestly it did make both of us happy. very very flattering every time she said it she was so proud of me)
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my best friend has been very distant w me lately and i asked today if she wanted to hang out and she said she probably couldn't bc it's her brothers birthday but she would let me know if she could and i have her location and i just looked and she's at her boyfriends house rn....
#we have it bc we're roomates so we started sharing locations when we first moved in like in case someone doesn't come home at night or smth#she recently told me that she wants to move out bc she has always wanted to live alone and she can finally afford it. and i asked her#directly like is there an issue because she is so non confrontational so she has never ever mentioned me doing anything that bothers her#and i said please tell me if there's something wrong because it would really suck if there was and i never got a chance to fix it because#you never told me. and she said no it has nothing to do with that i really just feel like it's time for me to live on my own. and a couple#days ago she was like okay i'm next in line for my apartment i'll probably move out in april. and i try to get her to hang out still and#she always has something else going on and i swear every night this week she's been at her boyfriends.#and if i see her around our apartment and try to make conversation at all she's so like short about it and barely responds like will only#give one word answers. i feel like it kind of started when i started dating e but i realized that i was spending less time with her and i#didn't want to be the girl that loses all my friends bc of a boyfriend so i started specifically reaching out to hang out with her and she#says no most of the time and never asks me. like i don't know what else i can do.#i'm like maybe it's bc of her boyfriend? bc they've been on again off again for a long time and previously when they were together it was#really distant with her like i barely saw her EVER. and they were mostly broken up for the past couple years and have been together i think#for a while again... but she knows i don't approve of that relationship and so she would like not say when they were talking again. so maybe#since lately they've been hanging out or dating or WHATEVER she doesn't fucking tell me what's going on with him. maybe that's why.#i literally like try to think of ways it could be my fault and maybe i'm being crazy but i cannot even think to blame myself for more than a#fleeting second bc i'm like. i have ASKED HER directly if there is an issue or something i do that bothers her and she says no. so even if#i'm somehow pissing her off would i ever know to change anything?? i just feel so frustrated bc it's like she's an entirely different person#to me. like this is not the person i know. and i don't know what else i could possibly do like i feel like we need to sit down and have a#conversation about it but what good does that do if she just acts like nothing is wrong. but i don't want to lose my friend i have such a#hard time making friends. i've known her since i was 14 like i can't imagine my life without her. we were the only two in our whole friend#group in high school to get out of the church i still love those other girls but we have so little in common now.
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I JUST FINISHED REREADING LEGENDBORN AND STARTED BLOODMARKED LAST NIGHT AND COME ON HERE AND YOU'RE ALSO READING IT 😨😨 WE SYNCED
CLOWN TO CLOWN COMMUNICATION. OUR UNBREAKABLE BOND
#come talk to me when you finish bloodmarked I reread legendborn last night and got to the gala bit#that I'd completely forgotten about where bree says something about how her nick and sel are all bonded to each other#and like. combined that with bloodmarked as a whole but especially chapters 51 and 58#I am absolutely fucking certain I'll die on the polyamory hill like THEY ARE ALL FUCKING BONDED ALL 3 OF THEM IT'S CONSTANTLY REITIRATED#NO WAY SHE PICKS JUST ONE IT WOULDN'T BE RIGHT#WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THE POLY CODING. WHAT THE HELL.#every time I'm in the bathroom I start looking into the nearest mirror and start talking to myself crazily#about how actually fucking insane it is like I'm losing my mind tracy deonn what are you on can I take a hit#so yeah keep me posted on your reading progress lol#speaking of rereading legendborn though I'd forgotten just how mean nick and sel are to each other in the first book#and it was like. actually crazy to see that continue pretty much right up until the end bc they don't really get a chance for reconciliatio#and then to compare that with having also just recently finished bloodmarked#which is literally like. a complete fucking 180#idk if nick's month being kidnapped by his dad just gave him a lot of time to reflect or something#but he never has a genuinely bad thing to say about sel. like right from the start and his first appearances in bloodmarked#similarly for sel lmao#contrasted with the. everything in legendborn. like it's actually fucking crazy#what spending a month away from your magically bonded bro does to a mf#anyway. in regards to us always reading the same shit have you been keeping up with chloe gong's books?#bc I read foul lady fortune and last violent call earlier this week as well#ask#lyoshaland#hi lyosha!
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get me out this house man
#my sister is practicing her stupid fucking trombone#and apparently she can't do that without fucking losing her complete fucking shit and throwing a tantrum#bc she can't play notes or whatever#like. she is fucking screaming sobbing swearing at the dogs swearing at herself because she can't quite hit a note first or second try#and she does this all the fucking time!!!! she does this just about every week night and i can't take her throwing a bitch fit every night!!#and i refuse to feel bad for her in any way bc she is doing all this shit to herself ive seen her have a breakdown because she#VOLUNTARILY CHOSE to be in different bands and orchestras and chamber groups and then loses her shit bc she can't#be good at all the music she has to practice at once. and then every time after she finishes crying she chooses to keep doing this#and then i suffer for it!!! i have to share a house with them!!!!#every other night the upstairs living room is just off limits bc they'll scream at you#like. god. shut the fuck up!!!!!! please!!!!! shut the fucking fucking fuck up!!!!!!!!!!!
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