#and my mom and i keep going out to eat
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you guys i love college so much
#i hate assignments.#BUT LIKE HOLY SHIT I THANK GOD EVERY DAY THAT IM NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL#im an adult who is alive and has a life and does things as an adult and gets treated as an adult and i get to pick my own classes and#i can buy myself things if i want to.... and im active in my club and we're going to travel to another school to compete#I GET TO TRAVEL TO ANOTHER SCHOOL TO COMPETE AND HAVE A TEAM BONDING THING AND DO LONG ROAD TRIPS ABOUT IT#AND MY SPORT OF CHOICE IS LITERALLY LYING#IM IN MOCK TRIAL CLUB AS A WITNESS. I SIT AROUND COMFORTABLY AND WATCH THE LAWYERS DO THEIR THING AND THEN I SOUND SYMPATHETIC ON STAND#ITS SO#it's really fun.#and also i get along with my siblings so much better now that i dont live with them#im not getting mad at my sister all the time just because she Makes Sounds. im not getting annoyed with my brother for being argumentative#we just. hang out.#(frequently lmao)#and my mom and i keep going out to eat#and i visit my dad for lunch most weeks#and we all HANG OUT#and . fuck. i love life#and being an adult who gets to live it#and COLLEGE#next semester im going to take a couese on Detective Fiction#and probably get a job or internship to fuel my spending addiction 🤑💰#💸!!!#* AND MY SLEEP SCHEDULE. WOW. FUCK. ITS ALL UP TO ME#AND I DONT HAVE TO GET UP EARLY EVERY MORNING#AAAAAA#my grades aren't fantastic. right. i know they're not. but im not failing any classes. and i get along w my professors.#i like econ a lot more than i expected to
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i hate going out . kms kms kms kms
#hate my mom for forcing me to go out and meet people#who constantly keep asking me if ive stopped eating leave me alone leavemealoneleavemealone#and she js loves bitching and telling everyone i dont eat like qhy why . would u broadcast it for everyone
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I like the fact Tremaine's designated color is pink while Germaine's is maroon because if I draw them together it looks so bright and happy but they're in a dying world and both commit crimes many times a week just to survive. But hey, whatever.
If love is how they die, it beats starvation or injury! So letting them be codependent is like a treat almost.
#my characters#germaine and tremaine at least have each other (and kind of adopt motka as familial)#as mentioned prev with germaine who is the material wealth based layer guy#tremaine is the layer of lust and motka (who i keep mentioning) is the layer for gluttons#but while germaine is pretty much the embodiment OF being overly greedy and materialistic is incredibly rational#and while he hates it he knows when to cut a loss (item wise)#tremaine while the layer of lust and who does like the idea of having a fling has minimal desire for an actual romance#and based on the world they live in he knows its not really reasonable to expect a lot of intimacy and is mostly fine with it#but to cope with that lack of intimacy he is very touchy feely with the team including draping over his brothers back#or hugging motka whenever he wants despite germaine and motka being very much not fond of contact#to them its like ok fine tremaine is the exception but no one else can touch me#motka as the layer for gluttons is a bit different in that he is more uh.... the layer rather than the glutton#so he likes to cook and he likes to make others eat and he doesnt really eat much himself#hed rather make that someone elses joy especially since resources are hard to come by#so he acts like the group mom and germaine (as one of the oldest) is group dad and they're most of the reason why the group stays alive#also oddly enough to point out but germaine and tremaine are the only sibling layers while other layers DO have siblings#like the other oldest one has a younger sister and the team doctor guy has two younger siblings (twins)#and then the youngest member (limbo) has an older brother#so yeah i dont really know why the wellington brothers get to both be layers but theyre making it everyones problem#i really liked the cast for this plot but i dont really have much in terms of how i wanted the plot to go ?#so i dont draw them a whooooole lot but been thinking about these codependent brothers lately#and final note but motka used to have a younger sister but she died from illness which is why he is so lenient with tremaine#hes like i wish i still had a younger sibling so now you will be like my family if youd let me#and tremaine blissfully unaware for the longest time that THATS why motka is so lenient with the touching from him#its because hes more pleased by the Still Having a Sibling Aspect rather than pleased with tremaine
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*le sigh* i'm not made for fancy "adult" food restaurants
#have to go to one tonight for dinner because my mom is meeting a friend and we're all just going with her so we can meet her friend too#and its always difficult to figure out what i want to eat and what's the easiest thing is to order (so then i can#be braver and ask for whatever ingredients i don't want on it)#it'll be fine tho#i'll be brave#also whenever places ask about how much i want my steak or burger cooked i keep forgetting to say “well done”#like idky my brain just will not remember “well done” is the answer so then i have no pink in my meat#cyanbug thoughts#for the void
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resignation letter is the most potent painkiller. i love you resignation letter i love you one month notice <3
#tmi but im regular again and literally the only change is because i've been eating enough to shit daily#i was in such a bad headspace these past few months that i could barely bring myself to eat#i'd go to sleep with my work uniform still on and wake up willing myself to get up for 30 mins and then brushing my teeth and going to work#with the same clothes i slept in#i stopped hanging out with my friends. i had nightmares abt my job.#i can only take care of myself on my days' off and i cant grok anything other than shallow entertainment like wrestling#everything else is too much for my brain to handle. i'd simply forget everything i read or play or even listen to#those three months are miserable lmao#its not just my job... its also the family issues i've been dealing with#yknow remember when i said i could have died? yeah that shit was real. fuckin love it when my mom admit my dad have the capacity to be a#family annihilator. but... since my dad have a job to keep him busy and we moved to a house where me and my sister and#my mom and dad get to have our own rooms... and my dad get to live near his old friends and family...#things have been getting better. usually we had a physical fight every two months but it hasnt happened yet and i seem to get on with him#better now. so... i guess im gonna be okay. i've been so tired and trapped#stuck between two places that are both physically and emotionally draining with no reprieve#things are changing. and i find that to be comforting despite how up in the air the future might be. i might be screwed but also? what if#i'll be fine? im at a point where im accepting any drastic changes even if its for the worse#funny how i used to like my job a lot. i guess im not to be comfortable with anything long term#posts about my life
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you know what I’ve realized lately? that’s really helped? the axiom: it just doesn’t really make that much of a difference. Or at least it doesn’t when you’re talking about good things and not, like, doing good vs. doing evil. Big choices, little choices, decisions, decisions —it’s not just that they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things—because they do! —but just. It won’t make that big of a difference. Life will continue to be wonderful AND difficult, fascinating AND hopelessly mundane, full of roses AND thorns and all the other cliches whether you walk down one road or another. And you’ll get used to the joys and sick of the sorrows whatever they are, and you’ll be ungrateful and bored and dissatisfied in some measure some of the time and you’ll have to work on all the things you have to work on anyways and just. Yeah! It doesn’t make that big of a difference! Even the biggest things!
#as Maria once said to me iconically: marry the guy don’t marry the guy#life is hard and it sucks and it’s also great and little treats exist#and we have to practice patience and virtue and penance regardless of any other circumstances#and God loves us no matter the path we take#like I just. I am reflecting#you know what also made this click for me recently? the limits that can be reached with doing little things to improve your life#like YES. I need to get some exercise and eat some food that is not totally terrible for me and clean my space#but you know the fuck WHAT#(I’m so sorry for swearing)#it doesn’t !!! actually !!!!! dramatically alter my life if I do one thing or another or in a certain order#I could become a fanatical hiker (for some reason I have been seized by the vision of this lately)#and it’s just like. well. yes you could. and you know what it would keep raining sometimes and my anxiety would still exist#and people would still be irritating and laughter would still be real!#anyway I don’t mean to be dismissive over the ways choices can deeply affect our lives#but when the choices are good and the options are good it just doesn’t matter that much#I also realized this with makeup lol. like I reached the point where I was like I could spend more time and effort and money#to achieve a higher level quality of appearance and literally for WHAT#people would still not pay attention to me in the grocery store (lol)#and they don’t need to!!!!! and it’s fine they don’t!!!!!!!#but I just. that voice in my head that’s like if you do X you will experience happiness you have never known#and things will all work out and everyone will be in love you#to that voice I say: well no.#wow this is long but you know what I mean????? it all just sort of matters less in the sense that nothing WE do is going to really#change our lives? I know that’s insane#because people are so insistent that the opposite is true. but like. actually no the most life changing opportunities usually happen#without our control or our scheming or our planning#so of the stuff within our control it’s not that big of a deal!! do good avoid evil enjoy your lunch call your mom!!! but that’s all gonna#keep being the same on the other side of so many many different choices we can make#so yeah
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i was scrolling back through my posts recently (looking for an indication of when i had eaten a specific ice cream, don't think too much about it) and it was really something to see how much agony i used to hold, how little grace for my own humanity. I didn't think of myself as being self-hating, and I still don't think that's the best way to describe it, but i was very much living my life with the sense that i was in essence a contemptible person (not a belief I held about those around me) and any flaw I displayed would be the final straw that would make everyone I loved discard me. if you are a teenager and you think you need to be beyond reproach in order to be tolerable, please believe me when I say that's not the case. if you are any age please believe me when I say that's not the case. you are not irredeemable; you don't need to be redeemed. you're fine. everyone around you is also flawed. what you see as errors, no one else is even noticing. it's scary to lower your standards, i know it is, but you need to make your standards for yourself something normal. you're already normal; release yourself from the imposed requirement to be superhuman. sleep in late. forget to brush your teeth. procrastinate that thing you don't want to do. forgive yourself. all of those things are normal and fine. please please extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself that you extend to the other people you love.
#and for real distance yourself from people who are reinforcing those belief systems#(get out of black-and-white moralistic fandom spaces)#or if the relationship is important to you talk about it with them#if you love your mom and she loves you and also she keeps putting pressure on you in ways that hurt you? please talk about it#in retrospect my parents tried hard not to pressure us for specific results but they did pressure us for specific behaviors#and the undiagnosed adhd effects of executive dysfuction combined w my mom telling me i needed to do things was destroying me#i knew i needed to study. i was eating myself alive inside trying to get myself to study. i think i should have talked to her about it#not that i would have gotten treatment but we could have come up with ways for me to not feel like i was disappointing her --#--and proving the poor sense of self right-- when i was trying to do something and it looked like i was doing nothing#anyways. i wanna give my teenage self a hug so bad#'i will give that person the benefit of the doubt i don't know what they're going through' ok do u know what u are going through? also no!#u think u are introspective but ur introspection is so distorted. please give urself a break
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i would’ve accepted a book 9.5 if it had been from marella’s pov and started where stellarlune ended (like unlocked did with legacy).
#kotlc#NO BUT THINK ABOUT IT#we’d see marella’s realization that she found what fintan wanted and now has the information necessary to find out what happened to her mom#and then she’s like. wait. i gotta get out of this elysian situation first whoopsie daisy. but we could find out WHAT HAPPENED TO HER MOM#more fintan content and more four horsegirls content and WE’D SEE MARELLA’S FAMILY DYNAMICS (ESPECIALLY HER MOM) THROUGH HER EYES#and also marella’s stuffed animal :) bonus i guess#could be like unlocked where it switches between sophie and marella to keep some amount of connection to the main series#shannon messenger i am outside your house don’t ask how i got here but#the pov choice being marella was so obvious literally who cares about what keefe was doing in the forbidden cities#i should be past this but i’m still cyclicing through the stages of grief and haven’t quite reached acceptance yet lads#hhhhhhhhhh grieving over the marella pov book we never had and were never going to have#am i going to read unraveled? absolutely. i will eat up any canon kotlc content i can get my grubby little hands on#will i like it? right now i’m thinking no but hey maybe shannon will surprise me
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sits here. my mood has been swinging back and forth like a pendulum lately
#i still can't bring myself to make anything art-wise. and it is ripping me to shreds internally#i have no motovation whatsoever and i'm feeling disgusted by my creations. like that's the best you could do huh mixer?#i dunno. trying to keep calm. i'm going to my uncle's tomorrow to puppysit for 3 days#i'm happy that i'll see puppy but being out of my house will be stressful.#plus i've still got work to go to...#and i need to do the laundry and take out the trash and stop buying uber eats and forward my snap benefits email and.#and later today after high school lets out i'm going to talk with an old teacher i had#i need to change my bedding too..#i at least took a shower yesterday#i think my ptsd has been acting up in the background or something#my other uncle tries to tell me to let go of the past. but i don't want to. my past has forever impacted the way i'll be for the rest of-#-my life yk? and my 'past' wasn't even that long ago. it was 2/3 years ago. and my brother's still with that awful man#i can't pull him away from him.#i just wanna sleep. might take a sleep med early just to take a nap#i've been hating everything i make so like. why even try yk.#i drew one thing while i was hospitalized- a tiny sane jack head#i dunno. i dunno. i feel so empty. my depression's been super bad. i don't enjoy things that once made me happy#i feel so aimless. i'm thinking about going to college but i have to see what scholarships would be available because i can't work this job#WHILE in school. it'd wear me to the bone#i don't want to quit my job though. i like my job. i like my boss and my coworkers..#i dunno. idfk what's wrong with me anymore. i just want the pain to stop man.#i dunno what i want to do with myself but i feel like a. fuck it ik it's from firework but i feel like a plastic bag in the wind#i'm so tired. i miss my mom. i miss my sister. i miss my brother.#vent#delete later
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Just got called entitled bc sometime I put my name on my groceries before I put them in my fridge… ah
#thank u for that father of mine#he said this to my mother not to me#but also#no one is stopping you from putting your name on groceries that you buy for yourself#sorry that when I buy a $15 block of artisan cheese I don’t want to share it with 6 other people#and I make that known to them#his specific comment was about how#everyone is so entitled putting their names on their groceries but they can all help themselves to mine whenever#which#okay#I’m the only person with their name on anything in the fridge#and again this is because I buy specialty juices or cheese that isn’t in our normal grocery roster#and his groceries are for making dinner with usually#not to mention I make dinner on Thursday for my whole family and half of my groceries are for that#anything I need that we don’t typically get when my mom goes to the store is something I go purchase#any produce or leftover food from what I make for dinner is up for grabs#but my cheeses and juice r mine#so to prevent them from being taken my name is there#if u don’t want things you buy to get taken this seems like fair practice#no one is stopping u from doing the same thing I do so your stuff doesn’t get eaten#bc again there’s 7 people who live here and it’s hard to keep track of who buys what#so obviously my name is on things for me#sorry for ranting on a Tumblr post that’s just stupid#sorry you decided to have a family and now have to provide for them as a result#I am 23 and I pay rent and I (none of ur other kids) go out of my way to cook for everyone every Thursday#and I do dishes and clean the kitchen before and after and whenever I have time during the week#but no I’m super entitled bc sometimes I want to be the only one who eats the artisan olives I bought for myself
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I just spent like 20 minutes thinking about soup
#i need to move out!!!!#i love my parents to be clear they're great#i just want to be in charge of my own meals again#it's not that they're bad at feeding me stuff i want to eat it's just we like different things#when it's just me i can make my soup however i want and no one's gonna say anything#Because It's My Soup#i can eat japanese chicken curry for a week straight! no one cares!#i just need to get better at eating vegetables#i want my own kitchen soooo baaad.....#my mom's sensitive to garlic. do you know how much recipes fuck if you add garlic? severely. and i can't if she's gonna eat it#i need my own kitchen so bad so so bad pleeaase#really hoping that i get my degree within like two months#and then i have to. urgh. find a job. but then i find a job and i go there#and i get Paid! money!#and once i have some money in the bank and a long term job i can try and get a flat#and once i have a flat i have my own kitchen i can order stuff online if i want and i can adopt a cat#i can have friends over i can decorate#and if i can swing it i'll be a civil servant#and if i'm lucky enough i can perhaps. give up the next 30 years of my life to a bank so i can own my own flat#god i hope. i fucking hope. i really really want to own#like not for landlord bullshit. just so i don't have to worry about where to go in a year two years five years#i want a civil servant job because that's for life and i would love to do the same thing forever#and i want to own a flat because i could make the space fit my needs and wants perfectly#and i wouldn't have to worry about where to live or old age or whatever#good luck to me finding a well situated 2 bedroom flat in one of the if not the worst city of france in terms of housing :)#but hey i've been lucky in life. maybe it'll keep going#i know what i want early! that's good#i shouldn't have a realisation that i want kids at 30yo or whatever. I Shall Not Become My Mom#ANYWAY i need my own kitchen!!!!!#wow i have a ramble tag now
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Whatever the fuck kinda fuck ass hormones are happening in my body right now I'm mad at them. pmsing pre-period-ing whatever you wanna call it and I'm so mad. So grumpy. And I can't help it! But I'm aware that I shouldn't dump that on people so that means that I'm mostly just silent or making noises to myself. Also mad for other reasons but last week I was able to handle it somehow. Premenstrual me struggles to handle it much more tho
#also my knee hurts. that's a classic tho. my back hurts and my neck to the point that i cant read a book. or i can but its very painful#also im annoyed because if it my mom does get diagnosed with celiac then maybe i will too and i love gluten. maybe she won't tho but if she#will.....been thinking about diet and the fact that i really am fucked up when it comes to that because i 1 have food issues that are like#ocd sensory related 2 have disordered type thoughts will not get into that 3 don't eat meat hate it with every fiber of my being 4 if we ad#gluten to that...oof. im also a person who will bring a snack to the function i try to have something in my bag always because sometimes#there's just nothing for me and i do try to eat to be polite sometimes but sometimes when i do i literally gag. anyway i hate eating but i#also love eating#and also i have pimples i very rarely have pimples so thats a big deal for me and i actually don't care how they look its the fact that im#going to have to put on a band aid or something cause i keep picking at them#and i have another itchy thing under my eyes that comes out when i go too long without using these eye patches things but i bought a 60 pcs#pack and it turns out that the big pack is fake as shir because they're completely different different texture and so thin that they just#slide from under my eyes to my goddamn chin#also my grandmoms fridge got fucked up and i have to go over tomorrow to clean all that up how the FUCK will i transport a new one idk girl#my tiny car is too tiny to transport a regular fridge#so yes i am annoyed AND annoying. whateverrrr
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the food scarcity is in fact going to my brain
#genuinely fucking nothing#the stuff we do have makes me sick on account of chronic illness#ive been living off fucking coffee and frozen pizza and rice#im so constantly fucking brain fogged and my dad keeps taking money from us or cancelling the orders we do make#and like my mom and i still have no way of receiving money so i cant ask anyone for help if i wanted to !!!! lol#theres like this knot of dread in my chest that i dont think will go away until we get the court hearing over with#i am doing. the best that i can . on fucking fumes#sometimes the man of the house is a lesbian eldest daughter etc etc#my younger brothers barely have jackshit to eat let alone Me i cant fucking keep up with this shit#we're running out of toiletries and i cant get my father to buy more this week#gwext#whiskey is feeling better since he sprained her leg. shes off her meds so thats good#head in hands Anyway. back to it
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I hate making decisions
#Have to pick where to go out to eat tonight bc it’s for my birthday#n my mom keeps asking what I wanna eat n it’s like actually I don’t want to thanks#but I have to make a decision now n I’m panicking n googling menus n comparing cals on things I’d eat 💀#might just pick the same place my family always eats at n just get the same chicken strips o always do bc I can’t make decisions#screaming
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i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.
#situations keep happening and i am TIRED#had to restrain a kid at work today which was AWFUL but he was trying to run into the road so i literally had to#almost cried bc of it but got the situation under control#but then when on my way to meet w coworkers to carpool to a meeting#my tire popped#super fun times super awesome super great#i mean my mom helped and we got it all fixed and handled#but basically from noon to like 6pm my mom and i were dealing w it bc everything had to be COMPLICATED#so i only just got home like 45 mins ago ish and i am SO tired holy fuck#but im eating left over orange chicken and then gonna shower and then just gonna be lazy and read and maybe write#if i have the brain power i will work on hb chp17#but i also have a 4 hour training for work tomorrow so yeehaw#its 12:30-4:30 which isnt that bad but still#im also going to my dads afterwards to stay the night and visit him and my siblings#which is a good thing dont get me wrong i love visiting them#it just means i wont have a lot of freetime this weekend to work on writing and cleaning and stuff#not the end of the world and definitely worth it to see my dad and my baby siblings#but i wish it was a 3 day weekend so i could also have a day to just stay home and do things that i havent had the time to do yk#oh well. tis life. adulthood. having to handle situations and finding the best out of shitty circumstances. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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My parents like to do this thing where they invite me over, don't specify a specific time, don't text until the time they expect me to be there, and then ask why I got there late.
I'm not gonna let it get to me today but it still sucks.
#personal#me: don't get mad at me if you don't specify a time and then i don't show up when you want me to#dad: don't put this on me#of course he'd been drinking#they don't wait for me#he's the one who suggested dinner and then they ate before i got there#i got there at 6:30 btw.#it's not like they said come for dinner and i showed up at 8#i want my mom but she's the reason i want my mom#like it was decent this time and we're qll getting better#but she doesn't come in to see me or eat anything with me and then when i leave she says she barely saw me#I've been here!#i was eating in the kitchen!#where i usually eat!#okay so it's getting to me a little.#took some of it home#dad: invites me for dinner#also dad: did you come over to raid the fridge?#family really is a sour sweet commercial#like how was i ever expected to have normal relationships when this is what I'm used to#I'm trying to be better with my dog because my patience can run out real quick and I'm like COME ON#I try to take a deep breath and remember that she waits on me for like half her life#the puppy is getting bigger and more energetic and I'm like “if he keeps doing that she's going to get worse” (dog reactive)#mom: she's fine#she is getting better but her tail was tucked and she told him off because he got in her face#he does NOT understand the concept of another dog not wanting to play#it's going okay. we're mostly keeping them separated.#my parents just don't take my concerns seriously for some fucking reason
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