#situations keep happening and i am TIRED
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
i know i’ve said that being able to do the stereotypical insane ao3 authors notes is fun and amusing to me but can the universe NOT take that as a challenge to add more shit to my list of things to add next time i post ???? like. fucking. Calm Down Please.
#situations keep happening and i am TIRED#had to restrain a kid at work today which was AWFUL but he was trying to run into the road so i literally had to#almost cried bc of it but got the situation under control#but then when on my way to meet w coworkers to carpool to a meeting#my tire popped#super fun times super awesome super great#i mean my mom helped and we got it all fixed and handled#but basically from noon to like 6pm my mom and i were dealing w it bc everything had to be COMPLICATED#so i only just got home like 45 mins ago ish and i am SO tired holy fuck#but im eating left over orange chicken and then gonna shower and then just gonna be lazy and read and maybe write#if i have the brain power i will work on hb chp17#but i also have a 4 hour training for work tomorrow so yeehaw#its 12:30-4:30 which isnt that bad but still#im also going to my dads afterwards to stay the night and visit him and my siblings#which is a good thing dont get me wrong i love visiting them#it just means i wont have a lot of freetime this weekend to work on writing and cleaning and stuff#not the end of the world and definitely worth it to see my dad and my baby siblings#but i wish it was a 3 day weekend so i could also have a day to just stay home and do things that i havent had the time to do yk#oh well. tis life. adulthood. having to handle situations and finding the best out of shitty circumstances. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hope you don’t mind me not participating in sunday six for so long and not updating my fic... i’m having a bit rough time handling my life irl right now
#meaning i’m having the worst start of the year ever#i’m EXHAUSTED fucking exhausted from my living situation and it doesn’t seem to get better any time soon#naturally i don’t have it in me to write because i don’t have enough time to relax. it’s been three fucking weeks.#i just don’t know even my body gives up from this stress and not like something terrible is happening#it’s extremely upsetting also considering that i love writing and it’s the only activity that makes sense to me#and always has been like that it’s in my core#and i. can’t do it. i can’t. i have no willpower or strength and it’s not writer’s block i’m just SO TIRED ALL THE TIME#therapy and years of medication mean nothing at this fucking point. props to me for not killing myself tho. well done 👍#sorry for ranting i am so frustrated that i can scream. i have actually. didn’t help.#well ahem i hope you understand 🙏 i feel bad that i’ve promised the chapter a long time ago and NOT TO BE THAT AO3 AUTHOR but#i really wanted to keep my promise. fuck me i guess#putting letters together one word at a time
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
This whole americory situation is giving miscommunication trope
#HAHAHAHHAHA THEY ARE SO PETTY PLEASE ITS SO FUNNY#THEY KEEP GLANCING AT EACH OTHER AND BOTH OF THEM ARE SO ANNOYED AND DONT WANT TO SLEEP AT THE SAME TIME#Me when I lie when they said they were tired and pulling an easy night in like be so serious right nowwww#this is straight out taken from my delusions I swear I have a same situation with my OCs you couldn’t make this up if you wanted HAJAJAHA#and the way she imitated him as he was practicing HAJAJAJA be so frrr she is so me I have no choice but to stan#I need to be asleep rn but like a dumb of ass am watching this like an idiot#delusion I swear it’s delusion#bb25#big brother#and the feeds randomly cutting to Jag playing alone like AJSJSJWNS I love this show bro literally the best thing to happen to me frfr
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
To Do for tomorrow (in theory at least, if the spoons are there to let me manage all of it)
-One last load of laundry (that idk where im gonna put bc im outta room but. I'll figure it out)
-clean bathroom sink
-swiffer all the floors (that are safely swifferable)
-double check my room and hide any sex toys still sitting out (in my defence, my toys my room my choice where they go, but also, i think a dildo can be a nice centerpiece on a desk or shelving unit top. Ties my whole room together!)
-pause the Oh God Mum's Visiting cleaning/prepping to try and gif Tyler's part in last night's concert (I fucking*screamed* when i heard the intro to his first song and saw him run out, poor Housemate was v chill abt me losing my shit in excitement lol)
-dishes, bc that's just a thing i like doing daily now. put on music, zone out for an hour and half, come back to conscious thought to a bunch of clean dishes. what more could a man ask for (I have ideas but I'll take dishes for now)
I'm writing this out, here, so when my forgetful ass is scrolling thru things tomorrow, I'll see this and won't forget to do anything
hopefully (Tomorrow Me pls don't fuck this up)
#text post#i have no right to be tired rn but i am a bit#Housemate and i are gonna chill tonight tho so that'll help#just relaxing and dinner and maybe a bunch of Tumblr scrolling#im just. already worn out at the idea of mum and her bf being here and i KNOW i need to get out of this funk#my brain is like hmmm but what if they cancel last minute. maybe you should just not do anything and act like they won't be here#my brain does that with anything that hardcore triggers my anxiety like work and Mum lmao#immediately is like 'what if they cancel everything forever and you never have to worry abt work or money again'#and I'll be like 'thats not fkn happening let's just prep for the situation and get thru it'#and yet. the brain persists in this#Housemate is being an absolute angel too and taking us on another dispo run before mum gets here bc#between work and mum im gonna just. need to have every minute be 420 at least mildly#to make sure i don't get overwhelmed and have a meltdown that puts me in my room for a week straight#and fucks up all of this#getting wizard high is for the nights during this next week tho bc Housemate has helped me convince mum#that I dont need to see them to the hotel each night and maybe hang out thru the night with them (sweet but pls no)#so the nights I'll have to try and keep my shit together#stoned and worry rambling too much rn but god just. let me not piss her or the bf off. they're gonna lecture me on like#at least three things im p sure of. I don't want to add to that number 🙃
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#cops tw#bro I cannot handle one more thing happening istg#got pulled over on my way home after a 13 hour day#was already scared to drive at night and that just confirmed that I’m right to be scared#it was for running a red light n it was one of those situations of just not having time to stop on yellow#I was fully aware as it was happening that I was either going to slam on my brakes in the intersection or run a red and I could see the cop#so I knew I was getting pulled over either way I just hoped the yellow would be longer than .5 seconds. not so lucky#except I also Am so lucky bc he let me off with a warning#ig bc I don’t have any sort of serious history + with it being 420 once he saw I was sober he prob went easier#it’s the second time I’ve been pulled over in my life tho and it’s scary bc this is the first time since the accident#which maybe that was also ok bc it wasn’t my fault#I just know every warning or unlucky moment costs u more in the future if u happen to get unlucky again#like I know I got out of that bc I’m white. it was still a scary moment bc there were multiple cop cars#so it’s like is this guy abt to ruin my life am I gonna lose my license for being at the wrong place wrong time#when I’m already salty to be driving this late involuntarily#so it’s like I got unlucky And very very lucky#I just hate the confirmation that u can get pulled over at any given moment#I constantly rehearse every possible convo w cops in my head bc if u come off disabled u can die#or get arrested or whatever#and then they like don’t follow the script and u didn’t expect this to happen to u today anyway and I get flustered#anyway my point is. I’m fucking exhausted and too many things keep happening#it’s long day after long day w no end in sight rn and I’m like half asleep every day#I just want to sleep. without feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow#it’s too much. just all of it#and on top of it all. it’s 420 so the whole dorm building is basically a cloud of weed#happy u guys are having fun but u are physically harming me in my home#mine#txt#vent post#personal
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have been working with kids for four years and i had to write my first ever note just now about a seventh grade boy being inappropriate towards me. i don't know what the hell this could possibly lead to or what. he was trying to feel my legs repeatedly to the point where i had to stop sitting next to him (and i was subbing for his one-to-one para!!!). he's got high support needs. in that kind of job, you're supposed to sit next to them all day and look over their work.
the teacher whose classroom this was happening in could also tell something was wrong. the whole class was acting kinda crazy because it was the day before school vacation week and there was another class coming in to share projects. so like, he was swamped with keeping order already. but we were sitting two feet away from his podium at the front of the room. the kid was giving him and me a hard time when he wouldn't take out his chromebook as he was instructed. and then when he did take out his chromebook, he immediately, for some reason, places it on my lap. he had been ogling my legs the whole time. he puts his computer ON MY LAP. and i'm just like, stunned, because what the hell? can you not keep it on your own lap, for some reason? i don't even know what to say, i just hold it a little above my lap while i'm thinking why on earth would this be happening? he would NOT do this to his regular para if she were here, would he? this can't be normal.
and the teacher sees this and within a minute places a stool in front of the kid for him to put his laptop on. and i'm like. oh ok. yeah. he notices exactly what's happening and that that's not appropriate. and then when the other class comes in to share projects he tells me "miss b——, you don't actually have to sit next to c—— this whole period if you don't want to." and he grabs me a chair for me to go sit with the other paras in the back opposite corner of the room. like he KNEW. and thank you mr. d—— for recognizing that because i was just kind of shocked and didn't know if i was overreacting in my head to all of this.
when there's a point in the class where the kids are discussing stuff, i privately mention what's happened to the para who's sitting closest to me. and she says that the thing about him calling me pretty is something he's been known to do, but the fact that he kept trying to touch my legs is new behavior. and that's a completely different class of behavior. i was telling him NO, don't do that, and he kept doing it. and the fact that he was calling me pretty repeatedly, even when i was giving him instructions that he wasn't taking. and this is the second to last class before the end of the day, so she says she'll take a walk with him before learning center and talk to him about it, and i'm grateful for that. she does. the kid apologizes to me as soon as i come into learning center. but like. WHAT the hell.
i'm STILL like what the hell. this is unfathomable to me. the other adults who i told about this or who witnessed it were supportive of me. but. what to do??? i wrote a long note to his regular para about this, because i knew she was going to hear about it at least from the first para i told. the second para i told about it after school had a kind of... i'm not gonna say enabling reaction, but i suppose since it had already been "taken care of" (or at least, he had been spoken to and apologized) she didn't really have much to add in the way of discipline. i told her what happened after school and she was just like... a little bit, laughing? like oh, yup, that dog. she at the very least confirmed he KNEW what he was doing, that that was not an accident. she said to me "i had a feeling he was going to develop a crush on you" (me and these other paras were together for most of the beginning of the day too). but it's like. it's not about that.
i have worked with children for FOUR years. children have had crushes on me before; i'm quite unfazed by it. boys from the ages of 5-to-15 have told me i'm so pretty before and asked me to marry them. i've never had them feeling up my legs before. i've never had them making me physically uncomfortable. it's NOT about this seventh grader having a crush on the pretty substitute. he is NOT unusual for that, at all. but i've never had a boy of any age or education level repeatedly touching my knees and thighs. THAT is problem behavior!!!
because what if i wasn't assertive enough with him to tell him to stop? what if i was a girl his age? worse, what if i was an adult who encouraged this behavior? i don't come to the middle school to be a seductress. i had no intention in putting on a pair of tights and a skirt this morning of being viewed as an attractive object, especially not by a pubescent boy. what if i did though? what if his interpretation of me wasn't so incorrect and offensive? what if i let him keep touching me inappropriately and saying flirtatious things to me? me, an adult in my mid-twenties, towards a middle school boy?
in no world would that be ok. if i had been feeling up and overly-complimenting a CHILD at my place of work, holy shit would there be reports about me. so a child acting that way could never be ok either. if it'd be firable for me to be reciprocating that action, then that action should not be happening to me. ever. and that child should never repeat that action again to any other adult again.
like i am simply not there to be treated as an attractive young woman. i put on a skirt that shows too much knee and get paired with a boy, though, and that's apparently just a natural consequence. hooo-ly shit. like i don't know what to do. first of all, the more time passes since this has happened, the more i am just unable to stop thinking about it. i wasn't "hurt" or too emotional in the moment but i'm just still processing it and it gets worse. i'm just more and more disgusted.
i don't know what i expect to come out of this, or the email i sent to his regular para. like, am i gonna have to attend a fucking meeting? what is the precedent that this sets for him? WHY do i feel BAD for him about this? well, because he's a child, of course. a child who has done wrong he may not be able to understand. but he knows WHAT he did. he just doesn't know WHY it was wrong.
and i couldn't even say something to him that was like, "well, how would you like it if i was touching you like this?" because young boys do not understand how inappropriate it'd be. i'm sure this kid thought he was gonna get away with what he was doing at the very least. but probably not unlikely he (being a child with no concept of how wrong it'd be) thought he could get some sort of "positive" attention for treating me like this. either way he was simply doing what he wanted to do, with no perspective of how it would make me feel or that it could be classified as harassment. teenage boys think it'd be awesome if the older attractive woman would reciprocate their affections. they're wrong. i, as the older attractive woman of his affection, cannot be the one to convince him of that, though.
i don't know. i don't know. like it's just so not ok. but if i didn't tell another adult about this, he would've gotten away with it. he would probably do it again. and him being in trouble for it is not the same as him understanding that it was wrong. unless someone has a REAL talk with him about inappropriate attention and consent, it's not unlikely that he'll just repeat the behavior in a setting where he thinks he won't be caught or told on. THAT'S the problem. me, i could just never have to be this boy's para again. in my email, i didn't say that i would never be ok working with or around him ever again. he already knows i didn't like it and i'm not afraid to tell on him; as far as that lesson applies to me, individually, i think he's become too ashamed to repeat that.
i don't know. i don't know. i very much expressed that i, i guess, "forgave" him in the email that i wrote. i clarified that i was writing it for the sake of having it on the record. i think that could potentially be very important for the purposes of preventing further similar or escalating behavior from him in the future. i don't want him to be in trouble. i don't think i will be blamed for this, especially not with how promptly i acted, although i don't know to what extent this will be framed as me thinking i'm a "victim." i'm not... i don't feel victimized. i feel disgusted. i feel afraid for the sake of what could happen to or with him in the future, if he thinks behavior like his towards me today is ok.
i feel like if i end up having to further respond to this, this will be made about me. in a way it kind of was. is? in the moment it was happening, it was certainly about me. because i was the one this boy was giving all this unwanted attention to. but to make the consequences of this about me and to involve me any further, i also don't want. because i said what i said already, i don't care if a student has a crush on me. this isn't about me being the pretty substitute. i'm the pretty substitute all the time, to tons of people. that's not really something i've been concerned about up until now.
but do i have to reexplain my personal embarrassment? that i was wearing a skirt? that he was ogling my legs? really? what more do i have to gain from sharing that, other than having the adults at my place of work confirm or deny me in their heads as the pretty substitute? i don't know. perhaps that's REALLY overthinking it. but i don't want to be the substitute that caused a problem for this special ed kid. i don't wanna be the reason that he can't be around me anymore, the person people think of when they're monitoring how he's acting around girls and young women. i DON'T want to be the one people think of when they think of his past misbehavior. i'm NOT here for that.
that's just fucking humiliating. and in this being a thing that could follow him, i have to be ogled and touched over and over again in people's minds for this to be taken seriously. but for this to be swept under the rug would be even worse, no? i don't know. i hate this. the principal is a nice guy; i wouldn't be surprised if he and/or people from the special ed department reached out to me sympathetically about this. but i don't wanna be reached out to. i don't wanna have ppl i work with tell me "sorry that kid was just so attracted to you he couldn't help himself" like come on. if the kid himself doesn't change then i don't really care to remember this incident. and no one reaching out to me and saying they've talked to this kid will actually prove to me he understands. this is the kind of inappropriate behavior it takes years for people to understand why it was wrong, especially a child who has no idea. i mean come on.
#tales from diana#long post#sorry i should probably put this under a read more but it was just a long stream of consciousness#and idk. im tired. im so tired#do you wanna be known as the substitute teacher a kid kept touching inappropriately? probably not#thank god for the first para i told bc she took it really seriously seemingly. i mean idk what she told him in their conversation#not EXACTLY what she told him. she obviously said this was wrong and she reiterated in learning center again#that if that were her daughter she'd be through the roof and that she'd be telling his regular para#i mean of course i had to tell the regular para directly. i would rather it come from my mouth#i'm the one who has the most information of how and why it happened. i think other ppl telling it would just reduce it to#'he thought she was so pretty and he kept staring at and touching her legs cuz she wore a skirt' like come on#the indignity of that!#i already feel undignified enough.#and also thank god for the social studies teacher. the more im processing this the more im like thank god#i dont know him well. he had already been a nice dude to me before in my interactions w him#like as a sub you notice the people who are really affirming of the strange and irregular work you do#earlier this week i was subbing for the math teacher across the hall for instance and he came in before class started and said#that if anyone's giving me a hard time to just send them to him. bc that group can be a little rowdy/wild#my classroom discipline skills are not that bad where i felt the need to have someone more experienced defend me so to speak#like i know i look young and am assumed to be new. but with most classes. i can handle most misbehavior#i can put my foot down in a way kids normally respect. i know how to keep em on task#and for MOST of the day with this kid that's what i was doing. but if that social studies teacher hadn't done what he did#i might not feel so bold in just straight up walking away from that kid. after saying stop stop stop repeatedly#like he had his own job to do independent of me but i remember the gestures and like. i could cry. he KNEWWWW#that's just a very trustworthy person i feel. he didn't want me to suffer through that any longer#a lot of teachers (unfortunately) largely ignore the kids with paras and/or expect the paras to communicate to the kid exclusively#that teacher is not like that. he was willing to mind that boy while i escaped that situation. so so grateful to him
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like nobody actually wants blaseball to come back at this point
#shouldve ended in the black hole i think.#kbitycus talks#its about time to jump ship if there ever was a time. becoming one of those blaseball retirees in the crabitat#idk im just pretty tired of like... whatever's happening here. i dont want to say tgb is leading people on#because that implies a level of... intent? that i dont think tgb has? but its for sure one of those situations where its like.#im run dry on caring about this. people are going to keep running dry on caring about this. and they've fumbled the bag on getting newbies#i am returning to: making my blaseball guys into ocs. and leaving!
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
when I was small my cousins would take me to the beach and some days the waves would be really big and we’d all float over them and it was so fun getting swept upward like that. And then every so often an even bigger wave would come along and our tactic was to dive into it and come out the other side and we were okay and it was fun! And then, here and there, a wave would come along that we wouldn’t be prepared for or it would be badly timed with the current dragging us into it and we’d be tumbling around inside the wave, no idea which way is up or how to get out and sometimes it would throw us onto the sea bed with more waves hitting and hitting and the current pulling us back into them and this is also life this has always been life too
#id like to just have the first two but the occasional feeling of oh shit I’m drowning am I gonna die now loves to come back#I have scars on my legs from this like actually happening but yeh.#I remember not having been at school long . and I was forced to stay w my mother more#and things were bad and I was not in a good place and I was 6 maybe?#god it was so so bad#and it kinda never stopped#and it got so much worse over the next 10 years#and then it eased and I had some great times#but I keep getting hit again and again#and mostly. when things are bad. it’s Situational#like I’m actually unsafe and stuck in that#like this time last year#and sometimes. like currently#I just get hit with it for no reason.#like stop I’m tired 😭😭😭😭😭 I wanna be on dry land for a while
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
Hey, fluff? Why.. exactly could you not just drop your yarn whip?
((gonna just answer this one ooc because honestly yeah why couldn't he and the very simple answer is 'i already planned it' reasons, i knew i wanted to do the 'fluff gets his arm slashed off after being held in the air by the yarn whip for a while' thing and. for a more logical story-canon reason it's something more like 'ester would notice because said yarn whip is connected to fluff's arm therefore fluff would just fall to the ground and just make ester mad and it'd come back to the losing the arm thing somehow anyway'))
#not story#ask#anonymous#also i am. a little too tired to draw rn#sorry oof#if i have things preplanned it's gonna happen in one way or another#the details of when and the exact situation might change a bit but yeah if it's preplanned then it's happening#there was the idea of him getting to keep his arm but i went 'fuck it we ball it's edgy time' and there you go
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
love being insufferable 👍 truly and honestly think we should all be a lot to endure sometimes
#held all versions of myself tonight called upon like 40 year old me to look after me now. it’s been a night#trusting myself to um keep going and be more self reliant again but not in the toxic way just in the i can be my own person and be ok#if things are uncomfortable or if people are uncomfortable or. situations. and etc#i am so sorry though my eyes r tired. i think i need to cry more often talk about a reset#how do i make this happen do i skip my meds orrrr#abby talks#i just looked at my tags before posting girl what are you sorry for. what.
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#I keep trying to cry it out but I'm so fucking numb#permanently disassociated and I can't control when it stops so sometimes I'm just at work and suddenly I'm back in my body and remember how#awful everything is and is going to be and I have to hold it in so tightly so no one knows I'm unraveling#until I go numb again and then I can't feel anything#I know my brain is just trying to protect me from the trauma but I'm so out of control#I can't control whats happening to me and I'm not in control of myself#everything hurts all the time#my skin hurts#my jaw hurts#my spine hurts#I'm so fucking tired I can't even sleep more than 45 mins at a time without waking up in a blind panic#my nights are just a bunch of micro naps and I'm losing my grip on reality#things I think have happened and I mention them and everyone looks at me weird and I have to laugh it off like “oh lol must have been a#dream“ while I'm sitting there panicking cause I don't remember what's real and what isn't and what hasn't happened#did I mention I'm having to navigate the healthcare market during all this as well as manage and remember all my upcoming appointments?#I know I'm going to have a psychotic break I just don't know when exactly so I can't plan for it#maybe if I'm institutionalized it will be better because I won't have to do everything by myself#someone else can make my appointments and apply for insurance and subsidies and all I have to do is cry about getting this surgery#no more jobs or anything all I gotta do is focus on not dying#at this point I'm hoping it happens soon because having to hold it together for everyone elses sake sucks#I'm surrounded by support but I've never felt so alone#why do I have to be strong for everyone? why can't I let myself cry? why am I not allowed to lament my situation but everyone else is?#all I hear is how hard it is for everyone else to go through seeing me like this#and I'm over here like.. bro uh imagine how I feel maybe?#like you're not the fucking people who will be crippled and on a liquid diet for months with a breathing tube and feeding tube#you're not the one who has to survive 8 hours of surgery and then an 11 day hospital stay#I have nothing. I am so fucking alone.
0 notes
Text
So this turned into a vent somehow!
#vent#.........................................................#i say characterization for one thing...#i feel like people would MASSIVELY misinterpret what i'm like purely because they don't understand what i'm like#yeah i'm fucked up and kinda evil. yeah i'd hurt someone if it meant i get something from it. like a little satisfaction#yeah i'd hurt someone if it meant something good happened in my life#but here's the thing- i don't want this to be me#i never wanted this to be me. ever. at all#i have these thoughts i have these ideas i would LOVE to act on them#but i do know there's a reason to keep myself together for as long as i can#i'm aggressive but i don't want to be. but sadly i've grown to need to be aggressive#i've grown to want control and authority because i lack it and it would do me WONDERS you can't imagine#i've grown to want to hurt because i feel like that would help me so much in getting what i want as i am tired of everything bad in my life#there's pros and cons right? ups and downs? SO WHERE'S THE FUCKING UPS. DIPSHIT.#i had these ups when i was little but then i grew up and suddenly oops! there go the ups! now everything sucks ass! lol! lmao even!#and that kinda fucked me up as you can see#and now here i am. there's people i've hurt before. bad things i've done before. little to no regret and even then all of it is deep down#i liked doing that stuff and yet deep down i hated it because i just hurt people i care about#i'm doing my fucking best in trying to keep myself together. in trying to remain alive and sane#and in turn i'm obligated to sabotage others to fulfill that goal#i don't want this to be me.#so here i am now. i know i'm not alone but i also know just fine that i'm few and far inbetween#those who remain that are host to this are probably dead. fallen from grace. or will never see the sun ever again#or suffer the same journey as me#those who remain that hold this curse just know i see you. i hear you. and i wish this shithole known as life was better too#those who simply don't understand my situation feel free to run off i'm not dealing with you lot#cherish your life instead of wasting it on someone like ME of all people#you're better than me. cherish the FUCK out of that shit#appreciate that stuff since you got it for free#wow this turned into a vent real damn quick... anyway! funny shit amirite fellas?
4K notes
·
View notes
Text
woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
0 notes
Text
⛈️ //
#tag vent bullshit would highly recommend just scrolling past this if vent bs aint your thing#so run along now for those who would rather avoid. im just tossing in tags bc its easier on me.#anyway… just… …#this stress is really eating me alive & im so tired#ive been crying on & off since yesterday esp w my health taking a swan dive to hell amidst this#but i have to just. deal with.#crying when alone specifically like fuck am i gonna show a damn thing to anyone. fuck no ❤️#esp when it feels like my emotions im feeling are me somehow being manipulative.#because i dont have a right to any of this right. its just a pity party im throwinf for myself.#& yet all these feelings emotions everything i havent processed continue to fester & bubble up to the surface in pure vitriol.#pure hatred & anger bc of it coming from a place of hurt but what does that matter. right? …im just.#i feel manipulative expressing anything. i feel manipulative having feelings. i need to remove them at once. i need them gone at once.#i feel manipulative even so much as talking about situations that hurt me. bc i ‘shoulsnt feel this way’#all this shit to me feels like it just reads as ‘woe is me’ bullshit i hate it so much.#im tired. i dont know. im in distress & emotionally really falling apart but just.#it almost feels more comforting to just let myself bleed out on myself metaphorically speaking than to dare task anyone via asking them#to help me w my own metaphorical wounds. bc then im shoving a burden onto them. & I’m not supposed to do that.#so much for being a pillar of stability for others LMFAOOO. whatever. whatever.#faulty ass pillar that’s just falling apart from being built on an unstable foundation#im tired im tired of hurting both emotionally & physically due to flare ups from the sheer stress as well#& crying feels fucking humiliating & like im just begging for pity.#i shouldnt be fucking crying. i shouldn’t. im supposed to be fine. i say. & at first i was fucking able to fucking.#dissociate & let quinn join me too so i could be fully coldly detached. from it. but thats not happening bc i cant control when she joins#joins front w me. & i almost wish she could take front fully. take front from me fully for as long as this situation keeps going.#even if that means i end up in solitude & w barely much recollection of what may transpire. at least when she’s upfront? i dont have to be.#solitude bc she doesnt like talking to anyone even my own trusted friends.#unless its somehow fucjing necessary but at least w her upfront i just. i dont. have to feel. i can disconnect & forget everything.#i just want to stop fucking falling apart & i have so many unprocessed emotions over this all that feel unacceptable to talk abt STILL.#im that fucking convinced any neg emotion i show is wrong somehow & while ive gotten better w this im still. not. idk. just. w/e. ifg.
0 notes
Text
i don't know how else to keep living in this country
#idk i just keep spiraling about worstcase scenarios and how i genuinely would probably just react to them by just. harm#idk im a deeply angry person and i know that nothing about any of these situations have no fault i just am like.at the point of hopelessness#like i dont. see this country getting any better so i may as well just. leave permanently and just die#which is horrible because i just#i thought i was getting better but now i would rather just get worse because it is easier to entirely stop being a burden by dying#like thats. all i know to do at this point because im so fucking tired of living#and i just. have been constantly aware of my own monetary intake since i was a child that like. yeah it feels like every breath is a cent to#the fucking parentals. i am paying them to continue to breathe and live and just take up space in their home that i may as well just#die so i stop taking up that space and they dont need to worry about my fucking money#idk unfortunately i cannot see them as family because nothing has happened to make me feel. like i know them in any capacity. sure i call#dad by dad but its not like hes ever been a father to me because we dont ever speak to each other. hes just been. the landlord and i dont.#know how to not see him as just a house cop ngl#whatever. i miss my first dog with my bf. Ranger was my best friend bc i stayed home with him a lot and i miss his comfort when i would cry#vent
1 note
·
View note
Text
~ ~ ~
#you didn’t speak to me at all yesterday and so far things are trending the same way this morning#and I really just don’t know what to do because I’m so anxious and stressed from this whole situation#I’m sick with double the worry because on one side what if you’re actually hurt and on the other what if you’re just being an asshole#it’s these kinds of long silences I just don’t know how to handle they tear me up inside#and I’m starting to wonder if maybe you really did just ghost me#I have this fear that you just decided to delete your app so you wouldn’t even know I was trying to talk to you#or something else stupid like that anyway#didn’t help that I had a dream about that happening just yesterday either#but I’m so tired and worn out and I just want to know you’re still alive#we can fight out everything else later so long as you’re actually talking to me#and maybe I should have stood my ground and not broken down and conceded to you again like the fool I am#but I’m at the end of my rope just trying to keep it all together waiting around here for you#maybe this is the real reason you won’t talk to me anywhere else is because you like this control you have over me here#if there’s only route of communication it’s very easily dismantled and you can make me suffer so quickly#but that’s just one more problem I dont have the capacity to deal with right now#I don’t know how much harder I can beg anymore#I don’t know how to stop you from being this cruel towards me#I just need this to be over with so I can rest and take a breath and move on with my life#personal
0 notes