#and purposeless

[transbutchblues]

i’m in this strange phase where i’m trying to explore my spirituality and to understand what divinity means to me and it’s just. hard. complex.

i was raised in an atheist family but now i know, deep down, that i am not an atheist. but atheism is still inscribed in my brain, the shame of worshipping, the shame of honoring the divine, as if it should be hidden, as if i was being irrational.

i have been practicing, or trying to practice, hellenic polytheism for a little while now. i keep going through phases of faith then of doubt. something isn’t quite right yet.

i love religions— all of them interest me. i just decided i wanted to read the Old Testament, so i’m reading the Genesis now. and i’ve been doing research on Judaism, out of curiosity. it fascinates me— but especially the rules. the constant connection to the divine, even in mundanity. the concept of every action having a purpose, of doing things a specific way and knowing why, of finding God everywhere and honoring God all the time. i see a lot of people being scared of religious obligations, of organized religion, and i understand how it can be dangerous at times, but i yearn for the order, for the meaning.

i want organized worship and i want to find God every day. i want to do everything with the intention of connecting to the divine. and yet i don’t know what the divine is, what God(s) is (are), and i still believe monotheism isn’t for me, something about it bothers me— but maybe it’s just christianity ? i don’t know anything anymore. i know polytheism interests me too and i know my autistic special interest is ancient greek religion and ancient cultures, but it’s hard to draw the line between what interests me due to my autism/simply because i find it amazing to learn about, and what interests me because it feels right and aligns with the way i perceive things.

so i keep doubting, i doubt and wonder and question and find myself irrational whenever i think of a God, or of multiple gods/Theoi. i know i believe in something. but there is this atheistic guilt, atheistic shame ?

i’m so lost.

and everyone i know is either an atheist or a usually-not-very-observant catholic. so exactly what i already know not to be for me.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am your mould, but the shape of you is true absence, leaving me purposeless.’

[text id: and is this not treason? / my soul belongs far more to you than it does to me.]

[tea-cat-arts]

Shen Yuan getting transported into pidw isn't "the system punishing him for being a lazy internet hater," but instead representative of "step 1 of the creative process: getting so mad at something you decide to go write your own fucking book" in this essay I will

[divorceblogger]

I also didn’t mention this but to me, Chani As The Voice Of The Oppressed Fremen Resistance That Deserved To Liberate Itself & Chani As The Planet’s Suffering Ecology Under Imperial Rule Personified is far more compelling than the sweet, suffering, non-opinionated fremen bride that we get in the books.

[sentientstump]

free at last, hey guys

[umbreoncomplex]

klapollo gets me so bad. to be made into tools for others. to be used and manipulated by everyone around you. you are not a person to them. not really. you are a means to an end. what happens to you doesn't matter. even when your strings are cut, you were still a puppet. you never learned to move on your own. can you even do so? were you ever really alive, or was it a facsimile by the one holding the crossbar? does it even matter? maybe tomorrow we will be gone. maybe tomorrow we will find that, without purpose, we fade from this earth. but can you hold me close tonight? can you hug me as we revel in meaningless. tonight can we pretend that this is freedom?

[rosarysgarden]

fatima aamer bilal, from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am your mould, but the shape of you is true absence, leaving me purposeless.’

[text id: your clavicle is touching mine and / i am holy because of it.]

[toxicroyjamie]

I always feel like people over look the physical abuse Jamie probably faced. We’ve seen just a glimpse of what James would do in public, imagine what it was like when Jamie was young and behind closed doors.

Plus like literally almost killing Beard?? Like he and his friends are seriously scary and probably did a lot of damage to Jamie. 😕😕

I know :(( people don't understand how serious and terrifying domestic violence is

And YES thank you. Beard After Hours was such a horrific and enlightening glimpse into how violent and scary James can really be. The way he said "goodnight, son" before trying to bash Beard's skull in with a tire iron actually gave me chills. It's terrifying that he's capable of murder regardless, but the implication that he was thinking about killing Jamie is just. Sick

We too easily gloss over how SCARED Jamie is of James, also. It's not like he just thinks he's a dick or a bully, he's ACTIVELY terrified of him. In Mom City, he describes James as "fucking terrifying" and says it "really freaks him out" that he can't see him in the stands. James isn't just an asshole, he's a very real and present threat to Jamie's safety, and Jamie fully knows that.

Georgie has also never been at a single one of Jamie's matches, including the match in Mom City (at which point they had an actress cast for Jamie's mother and could've easily shown her in the stands) and the World Cup (at which the audience was offscreen and could've easily included Jamie's mom) despite clearly being a very devoted and loving mother. There's obviously something keeping her away from Jamie's matches, and I think it's more than likely a fear of James. Most men who abuse their children abuse their children's mothers. :(

All this to say, yes, James is actually terrifying and physically dangerous and I think everyone (including the show runners) just kind of forgets that

[emberglowfox]

all fun and games having an oc hyperfixation and having to make all the content yourself until you lose the ability to make anything lol

[lorlocks]

Obligatory redesign bc I was complaining and had to put my money where my mouth is.

Idk why you wouldn’t push the aesthetic of him further when his voice is already so 100% committed to the bit, make him vaguely static-y and grainy! Down with technicolor!

Also, deer regularly shed and regrow their antlers, I think it would be really cool if his grew when he goes all radio slenderman and then melt away in a bloody, viscous goo when he chills out.

[ultrapoppet]

Do you guys ever wonder if Armand just wanted a boyfriend and when Louis was telling Lestat how they're going to spend eternity together he was standing there like shit I've made another involuntary commitment and I'm going to let it go on for way too long (again) because his entire life has been him taking on someone else's porpuse as his own.

[ivynightshade]

fatima aamer bilal, excerpt from moony moonless sky’s ‘i am your mould, but the shape of you is true absence, leaving me purposeless.’

[uncanny-tranny]

I think it's all about care, in the end. My cat is curled up on the bed I made for her, and the yarn used was made by people I never met, and the machines that they operated were invented by people who are perhaps long-dead. The electricity that courses through the veins of those machines were maintained in ways I never have witnessed, and it's about care, and pain, and care again. It's always going to be about care and community. Nothing that is built without that in the forefront of its mind will ever hope to live forever - only we will, and our care will. The only thing that will remain immortal - even with the pain even immense - is our care.

It's about care. It's about curling up on a warm blanket made by somebody who loved you enough to want you to be warm, and there won't be a shortage of that kind of care and love - it isn't a finite resource.

[she-is-ovarit]

Despite my physical and financial limits, I've made the decision to endure grad school for a second time.

My current graduate degree is in biology, and (if accepted) I'll be focusing my studies this time around in sociology, social work, or psychology.

[whumpster-dumpster]

"Whumper is gone. So...I guess that means you won't need a caretaker anymore, huh?"

"You really think that's all you are to me?"

[soullessjack]

haven’t had chuck-won-theory on the brain for a few months now but my quick pre-work thesis for it is this

• chuck offhandedly mentions that an ending where he’s defeated by the Winchesters “feels right”

• jack spends roughly 14 episodes combined in the worst mental state possible (on a scale of psychotic to suicidal) and all of that literally magically goes away after absorbing chuck’s powers

• AU Michael describing what Jack will turn out to be is almost a perfect match for how he acts after becoming god (particularly on the ‘loyalty’ part)

• jack has literally never once expressed any interest or desire for power; he blatantly tells the guys that he’s “done being special, and just wants to live his life before it’s over” in 14x08; he abandons God’s Throne in heaven for the bunker without a second thought in 14x19. from mid-season13 and onward he’s only ever cared about his family and staying with them

* even if it turns out that he did willingly become god to save the world, it was still to serve a purpose and not something he truly wanted for himself, which defeats the whole point of his arc being about being loved for who he is and not for his place in a grand scheme (Cas’ final words to him mind you) , and defeats the point of the show

theres definitely more but like I said I’m spitting this all out before work and I just like to reorganize my thoughts every so often (ˊωˋ)👍