#and i know i’m lucky because being in an atheist family protected me from religious trauma

[transbutchblues]

i’m in this strange phase where i’m trying to explore my spirituality and to understand what divinity means to me and it’s just. hard. complex.

i was raised in an atheist family but now i know, deep down, that i am not an atheist. but atheism is still inscribed in my brain, the shame of worshipping, the shame of honoring the divine, as if it should be hidden, as if i was being irrational.

i have been practicing, or trying to practice, hellenic polytheism for a little while now. i keep going through phases of faith then of doubt. something isn’t quite right yet.

i love religions— all of them interest me. i just decided i wanted to read the Old Testament, so i’m reading the Genesis now. and i’ve been doing research on Judaism, out of curiosity. it fascinates me— but especially the rules. the constant connection to the divine, even in mundanity. the concept of every action having a purpose, of doing things a specific way and knowing why, of finding God everywhere and honoring God all the time. i see a lot of people being scared of religious obligations, of organized religion, and i understand how it can be dangerous at times, but i yearn for the order, for the meaning.

i want organized worship and i want to find God every day. i want to do everything with the intention of connecting to the divine. and yet i don’t know what the divine is, what God(s) is (are), and i still believe monotheism isn’t for me, something about it bothers me— but maybe it’s just christianity ? i don’t know anything anymore. i know polytheism interests me too and i know my autistic special interest is ancient greek religion and ancient cultures, but it’s hard to draw the line between what interests me due to my autism/simply because i find it amazing to learn about, and what interests me because it feels right and aligns with the way i perceive things.

so i keep doubting, i doubt and wonder and question and find myself irrational whenever i think of a God, or of multiple gods/Theoi. i know i believe in something. but there is this atheistic guilt, atheistic shame ?

i’m so lost.

and everyone i know is either an atheist or a usually-not-very-observant catholic. so exactly what i already know not to be for me.

[betsynagler]

The Four (Thousand, New) Questions

When I was growing up, I didn't really have to think too much about what it meant to be a Jewish American. A large part of that was living in New Jersey, where being a member of the tribe isn’t exactly an anomaly. In Newark, pretty much all of my friends were Jewish or Black, until I spent 2nd grade in Catholic School. You’d think that might make it weird, but even then, it wasn’t. All my new friends just had Irish and Italian names, and I got to sit in the back during mass and read, which is the dream of every second grader. And when we moved to the suburbs, things became, if anything, more Jewy. We joined Temple Israel and actually tried going to services every once in a while, and I went to Hebrew school on Saturdays. At my suburban public grade school, I learned the term “Jappy” something my friends and I called other girls that we considered spoiled, regardless of whether or not they were Jewish, and in junior high, the school bus that came from the most wealthy, Jewish neighborhood in town was sometimes referred to as “The Jew Canoe.” Who did we learn these terms from? Other Jews. We were the ones trading in the laughable stereotypes, because that’s American Jewish culture all over: we joke because we can. It’s never been in doubt in my lifetime that we belong here, to the degree that we are comfortable poking fun at ourselves, enough that while we are very aware that we aren’t and will never be the majority — and if you forget that, you always have the 30 to 60 days of Christmas to remind you — we are perfectly okay with that; and enough to feel safe in the knowledge that the past is the past, because in the Tri-State Area in the 1970s and 80s, anti-Semitism was about as real to me as Star Wars: something that existed long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. The same thing with Nazis. Nazis were the movie villains nobody got upset about. Nobody ever said, “Why do the Nazis always have to be the bad guys?” Why? Because they were the bad guys. 

That doesn’t mean that my Jewish identity was 100% uncomplicated, mostly because I was raised to figure stuff out for myself. Mine were the kind of parents who took us to fancy restaurants and said, “Want to order the escargot? Have at it!”, perhaps not realizing that they’d end up with a seven-year-old who liked to try every appetizer on the menu but had a stomach the size of a golfball – which led to my parents gaining weight in the 70s, which led to their joining the exercise craze in the 80s...See how history happens? Being able to make my own decisions meant I could quit Hebrew school after one year (I was already a well-practiced quitter of stuff I didn't like, such as wearing dresses and learning the violin). I felt a little guilty about it, so I was definitely Jewish in that way, but one of the reasons I couldn’t get behind religious school was the fact that Judaism was supposedly my religion, but – go figure – our family was not religious. My parents don’t agree on which type of not-religious they are, since my mother describes herself as an atheist and my father calls himself an agnostic, but that’s only if you push them, since neither of them cares enough about it either way. They still identify as Jewish, and therein lay the confusion for me: Judaism is kind of an ethnic identity as well as a religion, but in a weird way, because you can convert to it, which you can’t do with, say, Slavic, and because it’s not one where we all come from one specific place, since Jews were basically driven out of everywhere. Sure, my family were all driven out of one country, Poland, but that didn’t exactly make them feel Polish. No, we were definitely Jews, just the secular kind, which is actually a thing — although I didn’t know anyone else like that in high school, the result being that in my group of friends, a mix of Jews and non-Jews, I was in my own category of Jewish, But Doesn’t Know When Any of the Holidays Are.

When I went to college on the West Coast, where I was meeting new people all the time, it was common for people tell me I didn’t “look Jewish,” which seemed to just fit right in with every other confusing part of my Jewish identity. You might think that, as a stealth Jew, I’d finally be privy to negativity about us, but that never happened. That was around the time of the rise of the religious right, and there were a lot of born-again Christians at Stanford, my freshman dorm was full of them. But while they may have believed I was going to hell, most of them still seemed happy to hang with me while we were alive – one of them even took me out for fro yo once (that’s short for “frozen yogurt,” and eating it together at Stanford in 1987 was called “dating”). If anything, being Jewish around them was an advantage, because they never tried to rebirth me the way they did other Christians, like my poor freshman roommate – I would come back to our room to find her surrounded by a group of them, looking uncomfortable, like she was getting hit on by Jesus. Mind you, I know now that my school was a liberal bubble inside the liberal bubble that was Northern California, and that protected me from a lot of things. But while we were definitely dealing with racism and sexism on campus at the time, anti-Semitism? That just wasn’t a thing.

Neither was being a Jewish person who didn’t support Israel. I didn’t know all that much about Israel growing up. I knew that it was the Jewish state, where I had once had some relatives, and that my cousins and eventually my brother — who finished Hebrew school — went to visit because they felt like it was an important way to learn about who they were. I didn’t. But when, in college, I had my first conversation with someone who’d lived in Israel about the way that Israelis felt this constant existential threat to their existence that justified their defensive posture when it came to negotiating peace with the Palestinians, even though they clearly had vast military superiority, I didn’t necessarily agree, but I got it. I understood why Israelis felt that, in a visceral, six-million-dead-just-because-they-were-like-you way that I think most non-Jews can’t. 

That was probably as much of a surprise to me as it was to anyone: that, on some level, in spite of not looking Jewish, or being able to speak Hebrew, or knowing what Sukkot was (if it wasn’t about eating or presents, it didn’t make it into the Nagler Canon of Holidays), I actually still somehow just was Jewish. And that part of my identity might never have really sunk in if I hadn’t become a New Yorker. Moving here didn’t just mean that I discovered Zabars, or that I was a bagel snob, or that I would be able to have lox at catering pretty much every day (and occasionally take some home if it was really good), although those things did indeed happen. New York was able to absorb and assimilate Jewish culture in a way that allowed it to flourish as one distinct flavor of the whole that is this city of many flavors. New York is a Jewish city – in same way that it’s also Italian, Irish, African-American, Puerto Rican, Chinese, Russian, Indian, Dominican, Pakistani, Caribbean, Mexican, and the list goes on depending on who’s arrived recently and who’s coming next. And so, from the way I relate to food, to my sense of humor, to my analytical and intellectual side, to how forthright/tactless I can be, to my overall worldview: living here enabled me to recognize that I just wouldn’t be this way if I weren’t Jewish.

Everything feels different in 2019 in so many, surreal ways, but what exactly it means to be Jewish in America is definitely a big one. I’ve felt some vulnerability and uncertainty as a woman for most of my life, as you do, but I’ve never felt that way about being a Jew until now. To the point that I can’t call myself “a Jew” any more, because suddenly, that’s an epithet. How the hell did that happen? When did we allow them to take that word away? Then there’s the realization of, Wait, we can’t make those jokes any more because there are people who actually still think that shit about us? And they’re telling other people? Fucking internet. Add to that the fault lines within the American Jewish community over Israel and the ground really starts to feel like it’s swaying under your feet. How much we should continue to support this country that seems increasingly unrecognizable to me, that is so racked by fear and sectarianism that it appears to have given up on peace and democracy, that votes for a leader who has demonstrated time and again that he is both racist and corrupt? Well, now that I’ve put it like that, okay, maybe this is something that Israel and the United States have in common right now, but that doesn’t make it any better for those of use who are trying to stay on the sane side of it all. I’m lucky that most of my family is in agreement with me on these issues, but my mother has some cousins with whom she is close that she had to ask to stop sending her political emails, because their conservative views about Israel seemed to have somehow spread to abortion and immigration, despite that fact that they live in San Francisco. Jewish Trump supporters? From the Bay Area? What the hell is the going on?! Come on, this can’t be us. When an audience at the Republican Jewish Coalition cheers when Trump says “Our country’s full. You can’t come in,” don’t they hear the eerie echos of what the American government said to the boats full of Jews they sent back to be slaughtered in the holocaust? Don’t they know that we are supposed to be sharp, and educated, and fucking liberals? Oh, wait, is “liberal” now a bad word not just among conservatives but for some on the left too, as in the “liberal elite who control everything” that they’re always talking about? But, double wait, wasn’t that just another way anti-Semites used to say “the Jews” without saying “the Jews”? But triple wait, aren’t Bernie Sanders and Glenn Greenwald Jewish? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Of course, this about when all of your older Jewish relatives shake their heads at all of this and say, “See? This is exactly the shit always happens to us. Somehow, when things go bad in the world, and people start believing crazy conspiracy shit, that always turns back on the Jews.” I never believed that before, so to see it sort of happening right before my eyes is really something. But at the same time, I’m sure as hell not going to let that make me just silo up. Yeah, there are the swastikas, and the Tree of Life synagogue shooting, and “Jews will not replace us,” but can we honestly say we have it worse than everyone else who’s under attack in this country right now? What’s the point of joining a grievance competition that just gives the people who are trying to divide the left exactly what they want? It’s how, when the new questions that confuse and divide us just keep coming — What do we say or not say about Ilhan Omar? What about the schism in the Women’s March? What about the Senate bill that would allow state and local governments to withhold contracts from those who boycott Israel that Chuck Schumer supported? — they just get us to go after each other.

Let’s not do that. Sure, maybe this is just another case of me getting older and less able to accept how the world is changing — sort of a, “Damn Nazis, get off my lawn!” type of thing – and maybe I should just go along with this new normal. But that's one thing I know is definitely not me. MoTs like to talk shit out, sometimes too much, but eh. Let’s bring that tradition of analysis and argument — and I mean the kind where you’re forthright and emotional, but you still know how to listen — to bear on the questions we’re having both on the left and in the Jewish community about how we move forward, instead of fleeing back into our fears from the past.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

I Decided To Look Up About The Tumblr-Username Myself.

even though I did ask for advice about it September 13th, 2021.

I decided to look it up on September 14th and found a Youtube video that tells

about what happens when you do change your Tumblr Username.

and it appears that it really does change the URL too, so when I do change my

username it will also change the URL too.

well I really don't want any misunderstandings,

so it is for the best for me to come up with a new username.

I knew that there was going to possibility that no one would see that post asking for help right a way, regarding the effects of changing a Tumblr Username.

and I really wanted to know if it would cause the URL to change

or stay the same. 

because of the change, I will have to put down

“formerly: mythicalmarvelgirlnerd”

just so there will be no misunderstandings and those who have seen my drawings on both here and over at dev, don’t get the wrong idea or any form of bad assumptions.

a part of me wants to go with either a username that has to do with deltarune/undertale or like something that could have to do with my being Neo-Spiritual.....then again if I go with something that has to do with “Archangel of the Goddess.” there is a possibility people will just end up getting the wrong idea.....

I really do prefer to have her get custody of me, even if I still believe in God and Jesus.....but I think that when I end up talking about it too much without meaning to, people might get the wrong idea and I want to try to only talk about that kind of stuff every once in a while.

plus even if some info says that Seth’s line didn’t intermarry with daughters of Cain....that sure didn’t last very long...

I mean if it is true that Noah is a descendant of Seth,

and I did mention before that my Ancestor is Noah too (well that makes some humans of this world his descendants too.)

that would mean that Seth is my Ancestor too, well him and Cain...

maybe it could be seen as a Yin-Yang type thing, I don’t know...

I still can’t agree with Noah punishing his own grandson instead of his son for a certain act.

at least most dads now in days are much better when have balance with their feminine side and will be the ones to protect their daughters from the dangers of being hurt by those like King David’s son who hurt Tamar.

even if King David loved his son, he was not being a good parent by not punishing him for taking away Tamar’s Maidenhood against her will.

a “Maidenhood” is well just as it sounds,

even if it might mean something else for different reasons...

but it would make sense it would have to do with being a Virgin.

and if someone is called a Maiden, it means they are still a Virgin.

wait does that mean those Holy Maidens from the Fantasy Video games

would be Holy Virgins....?

I don’t think I ever thought about that until just now,

learning that “Maiden” also means “Virgin”

I think maybe later tonight, I should place my pendulum at the window.

even if it isn’t very bright right now because it is raining, I rather wait until later.

even though I did find out that I and my family, are mixed descendants of Seth and Cain, I am still me and I still have feelings.

and some times whatever I say can get misinterpreted and hurt my feelings.

though when my feelings get hurt enough I do cry....

like with happen with that toxic jerk a few years ago around 2019.

my family is Christian but I don’t think they will accept that I rather go by Neo-Spiritual...I think that a lot of people both religious and atheist,

might feel they can’t open up to their family about their new view and how they might start to question some stuff in their community.

and because they know that their family and neighbors

might not accept it, they have to hide it in the closet.

which once again, being in the closet isn’t just for your sexuality preference.

it can also have to do with your different religious belief, gender identity,

or maybe even species identity...

so being in the closet can be seen as expanded from just being about sexuality, to the other types too.

I know I can’t talk to my Mom about me being on a Gray-Ace Spectrum.

I think it would be correct to call it Gray-Ace Spectrum for me and others who are a bit different.

a Aceflux would be in the Gray Asexual Spectrum.

I also want to say that it is possible for a person to be both Aroflux

and still love watching or reading or playing video games with romance in it.

but might not feel like pursuing romance themself.

and when the Omnisexual or Omniromantic comes into play,

it could have different meanings.

like preferring guys who are more in touch with their feminine side,

nonbinary and excreta.

I hope the new season of Harley Quinn starts soon,

and I know some might disagree with what I am about to say...

but even if Doctor Psycho was 100% in the wrong for calling his ex-wife the “c” word....

he might of been a little right about Wonderwoman....being one....

I mean her and her mom, and warrior sisters could end up being the toxic feminist side....but I hope there is some improvement in the future.

 and the toxic side does show in that one movie that had to do with Flash accidentally changing history when he was running.

Wonderwoman became a a dirty shisno.

even if how she became a shisno was under different reasons...

when fighting for equality, one must not let it get into the dark side

such as the Toxic-Feminist, I love the Moxie Movie and I’m glad everything worked out in the end.

but the Main Character almost lost her way into the dark side, a toxic side that made her attack (with her words) to the wrong guys who aren’t like the monster that would be revealed in the movie who did something very bad

that can be done by not just men/boys but also women/girls too.

but she does get back on the right path and ends up helping one of the girls from her school, who was hurt by a boy who did something really bad.

plus there can be some girls who were born Intersex, but could end up being the ambiguous type so it isn’t noticed.

I’m not sure if there would be a Feminist Group who would treat girls and women who find out they are intersex, in contempt.

but that might only be the toxic groups who feel that way, and those who are more open to those who were born Intersex might be still welcomed and loved for who they are on the inside, and Not just because of them being female/intersex.

there are different types of intersex, and some might not know they are right away until much later in their life.

 with some Intersex, they could appear male on the outside but have the female reproductive organs on the inside, the same can be for those who appear female on the outside but have the male reproductive organs on the inside.

and no this would not mean they are Transmen or Transwomen.

it is just how they were born, and with some humans in the world

they can still appear female or male or even androgynous but they could still end up being one of the types of Intersex, as there isn’t just one or two types.

those who are the unnoticed intersex types, are one of the lucky ones.

because it is thanks to this, it protects them from having their choice taken away by both their parents and doctors when they get surgery without their consent or full understanding of whats going on.

that choice is theirs to make, not the parents or the rest of their family or even the doctors.

a family or the doctors should never take that choice away,

it isn’t right and it could end up harming the baby if they do the surgery too early in their life.

well I can think of another harm that can be for a baby, if they died in a past life because of some dirty shisno...

I’m gonna try to hope my pendulum is just on one of it’s pranks

when it came to asking about one of my past lives....

cause if it turns out to be true, I have a right to dislike dirty shisnos like that.

also I think the name Twilightner for the Players who play Deltarune, fits perfectly.

and the Darkners being Tulpa would make sense,

being creations of both Monsters and Humans who are known as Lightners.

and a Twilightner would between being a Darkner and Lightner, so it would make sense if the Players of Deltarune, would be called Twilightners.

I hope I can come up with the new username today, I will have to make sure to  put down my former username on my new drawing posts too, so there will be no misunderstandings.

I still have to try to hope that the double check of what my blood type

will be more successful when we try again.

I also hope that Deltarune when all the chapters are fully complete,

that it will get it’s own game card for the Nintendo Switch like Undertale did.

it be nice if Temmie’s new games ended up on the Nintendo Switch too,

like in their own Nintendo Switch Game Case with the game card for the games on the inside.

I don’t suspect Cuphead Game getting a game card for the Nintendo Switch any time soon, even if the game is downloadable.

some will make the game case (like for the Xbox.)

but a game disc wont be inside, just some info and a art of the characters from the game. 

but if the Cuphead Game already has a game card and disc for both Nintendo Switch and Xbox One, it wouldn’t hurt looking it up and keeping a eye out for them.

like waiting for a video game of Doki Doki Literature Club for the Nintendo Switch or Xbox One.

yeah the Doki Doki Literature Club Plus is on the Nintendo Switch, which I can’t wait to play it.

I’m listening to Good For You From Dear Evan Hansen.

I can think of some Ancestor Grandpas that that song would fit perfectly.

with their descendants singing it to them.

also I did do a fan art that had a intersex Imp, which I want to be like a Crossover type OC, like a Hazbin Hotel x Helluva Boss.

I did check to see if there were other Imps in the show

that had the same type of horns as them, but so far none.

so the idea of Intersex Imps having horns that can appear a bit different than the female and male horns, could hint they were born Intersex.

Millie’s sister is one of the transwomen characters in Helluva Boss.

I’m not sure how many they will be, but it be nice if Nonbinary was added.

some who are Nonbinary will go by them/they,

while some will still go by he/him or she/her,

and if a Nonbinary person ends up becoming Trans too,

they could have a bigender identity.

I guess I’m still in the Chrysalis stage,

like I could still go by Gyno-Agender

but what if I’m more of a Feminine-Nonbinary..?

I have seen the Gyno-Agender as type of bigender Identity...

and I wonder if I do figure out that I am more Feminine-Nonbinary,

would that still make me bigender....?

I think I will go watch Steven Universe Movie after I post this...

I will still stay signed in, as I do plan to check out some stuff on here.

plus maybe while watching the movie I can decide on a new username.

 anyway like I said, knowing it was possible that some might not of seen that post right away and well I had decided to look up the info about the whole changing my tumblr username myself.

which did help, so if I decide on a new username today

will change it later maybe after I watch Steven Universe Movie

and check out some stuff on here too.

is it weird I can’t help but think if there was Goddess parody of

“Let Us Adore You”

that Athena would be the Yellow Diamond,

Selena would be Blue Diamond,

and Hera would be White Diamond...?

and given how White acted before, Hera would be perfect for the role. 

as to who would be the Pink Diamond,

I would say one of the Earth Goddesses.

I can’t help but think that Steven’s parents

were kind of Toxic, yeah they were good but they were also bad at the same time.

and Steven did point this out when talking about his Mom after finding out her secret, as well as pointed out that his dad is just like her.

even if Greg is a good dad in some points, he was still bad at the points that he did neglect Steven....

I mean not neglect in the other sense, but more like in all the times he made money in his car wash and even got all that money from Sourcream’s Bio-Dad.

he never once took Steven to see a doctor or get him into school

or get him a home school tutor.

yeah Pearl, Garnet and Amethyst can help him with gem stuff...

but Steven is still half-human, and I can’t help but be disappointed in Greg

when he just says “your a gem” and not thinking that Steven might need both his halves cared for equally.

it was good that Doctor Maheswaran saw Steven when she did,

and it was good that she could see that Greg has been neglectful to Steven’s needs, like needing to see a doctor for one.

some family who aren’t able to go to a doctor or to a school,

have a good excuse and at times will end up getting help with that.

Greg might of had a bad relationship with his parents,

but it doesn’t mean he was 100% in the right.

maybe like only partly....I understand he would need to hide his music from them.

but it is possible in theory, that the reason why he wasn’t allowed to have music.

might have to do with one of his parents having sensitive hearing

and couldn’t take very loud music if Greg had a habit of playing his music really loud and not given the consideration that it might be hurting one of his parents.

if there was a AU where after Steven left Beach City to go live with his Father’s parents in secret but still travel at times....

then if Steven told his grandparents about his life and how his dad raised him but at same time didn’t....

I guess his Grandparents could end up becoming accepting that at least he had his Mother’s friends to raise him but be a bit disappointed they didn’t tend to the other needs he needed in his life, but could point out they still had good hearts.

but could still express disappointment in Greg,

who knows most of how Earth is like and could of helped their Grandson’s adoptive mother figures more.

there can be two sides to every story, and if there is a canon comic

where Greg goes to make up and reconnect with his parents after he fully realizes what they did to him, is just what he was doing to Steven but still being slightly different.

even Blue started to realize her mistake with handling Pink.

but even if Pink didn’t deserve most of her punishments,

but with how Pink acted most of the time, like with her destructive powers...

some of the punishments might of been what she deserved.

she was the first gem to become a Mother,

showing that it is possible for sexless/feminine identity polymorphic gem humanoids, to create a new life without taking life from organic life.

anyway I’m gonna go watch Steven Universe Movie now.

see ya later and stay safe everyone.           

[armoured-iron-geek]

Tony’s Final Choice: Part 2

Follow up to Tony’s Final Choice

As requested by @pinksaphira11

It was Rocket and Quill who found Tony in the dust on that lonely cluster of leftover planet, broken and bloody and bruised...his heart beating no longer. The Iron Man suitcase armour dropped hopelessly from Quill’s hand, far too late to save and protect it’s creator.

As Quill stepped forward to further assess the body, Rocket raised a shaking paw to the communicative device in his ear that he and Tony had built their quick friendship over creating together. He passed along the grave message to Strange, who then spoke onto his own ear piece.

For the fighters in Wakanda, the planet seemed to stop spinning for a brief moment, a thick tension quickly building then bursting in a wave of shock as Strange’s voice reverberated through their very souls.

 “Iron Man is down. Repeat: Iron Man...is down.”

*******************

Thanos had backed down for the time being, biding his time despite having nearly all of the Infinity Stones in his possession. No one was quite sure why he had decided that this break was necessary, but they weren’t going to waste an opportunity to lick their wounds, re-group and, most importantly, lay their loved ones to rest.

In some morbid way, the Avengers could be considered lucky to have only lost a single member of their team while entire families had been ripped apart and entire planets had lost their populations. And in another morbid way, Tony was lucky to remain an individual, to keep his name and not just become a figure in some statistic logged in a government file. He remained Anthony Edward Stark:

Genius. Billionaire. Husband. Philanthropist.Hero. Martyr.

Two weeks after his death, he and his beloved Pepper, who had perished in the act of evacuating Stark Industries during the initial invasion, lay peacefully side-by-side in a closed double-casket made from gold titanium alloy. The funeral itself was worthy of Mr and Mrs. Stark’s status, but there was a simplicity to it’s elegance.

The service was held in Green-Wood Cemetery, among the oak trees and upon freshly mowed green grass. The attendees gathered close to each other, a fairly large group, but restricted to distant family, friends, colleagues and members of the Stark Industries board. Memorials and makeshift candle-light vigils were held in the US and all around the world for the fans and admirers who wanted to say good-bye in their own way. People sang, danced and prayed, some clad in black, others in red and gold.

As both Tony and Pepper were openly atheist, there were no psalms or passages from any religious texts to be read, just stories and memories to be told and cherished. Eventually, it was time to lower the Starks into their final resting place, a melancholy song called River crooning them downwards.

**************

Several miles away, a solemn teen rested against a mountain of pillows in a hospital, limbs in casts, IV’s in place and the steady beeping of a heart monitor for company. His aunt had disappeared to run a few errands, promising to return as soon as possible, but in all honesty, he was glad for the loneliness. No one can pity you if they don’t see you crying.

His sobs weren’t caused by any physical pain. His healing factor had kicked in perfectly and if it weren’t for the fact that his legs had been shattered so badly, he’d already be up and out of there. No, this pain was far worse than any broken bone, stab wound, bullet wound or burn could ever muster. It could only be brought about again by losing the one thing he seemed incapable of holding onto.

Family.

There were many wonderful things Tony Stark had taught Peter Parker. Their  original conversations about science, engineering and superhero antics had gradually extended into general life, Tony passing on the wisdom and logic that could only come from a mind like his.

Peter would always remember his favourite conversation the mentor and protege engrossed themselves in one night, digging into greasy pizza in the Compound’s workshop.Tony had been taking Peter through the framework of each of his AI’s and robots, demonstrating how they were entirely different, but still connected through various characteristics. It had sent Peter on a vaguely related train of thought.

“It’s kinda like me and Ned,” Peter had pondered aloud.

Tony had sent him an inquiring look at that statement, giving him a ‘go on’ gesture since his mouth was currently shut together by an excess of cheese.

“It’s just- I mean-Ned and I are so different. We have different ethnic backgrounds, different living situations, we don’t have the same interests in different areas of science, but none of that matters in the end,” Peter clarified.

Tony smiled softly, seemingly happy to divert the original conversation by prodding further. He hastily swallowed his current mouthful, “It’s the few things that you do have in common that counts.”

That was neither a statement nor a question.

Peter nodded, “Yeah, I guess. I’ve known Ned since I was little-”

“You mean more little than you are now?”

“Shut-up, you’re barely taller than me,” Peter lightly huffed, grinning at Tony’s laughter and giving him a playful shove, “Ned’s been my friend since forever and it’s gotten to the point where we do stuff for each other without questioning it. We help each other with homework, build Lego sets, I help him talk his parents into letting us go and do stuff, he helps me with Spider-Man stuff-”

“Right, he’s your guy in the chair. How could I forget? He’s only reminded me three billion times.”

“Hey, he just wants you to recognise him, “ Peter chuckled, “Having Tony Stark’s number in his phone is kinda a big deal for him.”

“I’m sure it is. Doesn’t mean I’m not second guessing whether I should have given it to him in the first place,” Tony teased, readjusting himself in his spot on the couch. He was silent for a few moments before shooting Peter a meaningful look, “Ned’s like a brother to you, isn’t he?”

Taken aback by the sudden mood-shift, Peter shrugged it off before replying, “Yeah...I suppose he is.”

Tony gave another soft smile, a rare occurrence. Quietly, he admitted, “Kinda like me and Rhodey. Couldn’t possibly tell you how many times that poor bastard’s had to haul my sorry ass back to safety. I’m telling you now, Kiddo, the people who are willing to save you from yourself no matter how bad things get- they’re the ones you hold onto. I’ve had to learn that the hard way.”

For a few moments, Tony went silent, a sobered look passing across his features as his eyes suddenly set on the storage cupboard Peter knew held Captain America’s shield. Peter was keen to move the conversation forward, but Tony bet him to it. 

“The important thing to remember though,” Tony pressed on, “is to remember to give back. It took me longer than I care to admit to realise that and I nearly lost everyone. Never half-ass family, Peter. I’m sure I don’t actually need to tell you this, but at the end of the day, blood and genetics mean nothing. Especially for people like you and me. Our families consist of those who are just as weird and broken as we are because we need each other.”

Peter couldn’t help but grin at the genius’ honesty. The teen could have sworn, Tony was blushing, clearly not used to being this open in a single conversation. Peter decided to give something back. Like Tony said, you don’t half-ass it.

“You know you’re apart of mine, right?” Peter stated, causing Tony to swivel his entire body towards him in shock, “You came out of nowhere and gave me a chance to pursue something I was starting to think was far bigger than I could handle. Not only that, but you never left. Too many people have....”

Out of all the reactions Peter was expecting to get, a few moments of silence before abruptly being pulled into a tight hug was the best and most welcome of them. Tony never verbally responded, but Peter got the general idea.

“You’re apart of mine too.”

But now that precious part of Peter’s family was gone and just as irretrievable as those who had gone before him. Peter twitched in his bed, groaning and using his one good hand to wipe away the tears. He was bitter that the funeral was happening without him, but simultaneously relieved that he wouldn’t have to bear the memories of it.

A sharp glint of light was caught in his eye as the sun shone through the window. Grunting, he shifted his head to gaze at the ever-present sentry in the corner of the room. The Prime Iron Man armour hadn’t left his side, F.R.I.D.A.Y opting to stick to the final direction given to her by her creator. K.A.R.E.N had engaged her in a heated conversation, even attempting to take over the armour, declaring she was quite capable of caring for her directive, but Tony’s A.I was having none of it. Peter now had two bickering intelligence's at his disposal, much to his chagrin.

Their continuing arguments and constant doting frustrated him, but at least they were a distraction, preventing him from having to deal with his loss for a few moments at a time. He didn’t want to remember the moment of shock and the numbness that followed in the wake of being told his father-figure was dead. He wanted to escape the guilt that left him drowning and kept him awake at night as he tried to stop himself from screaming. He knew that wasn’t want Tony wanted of him, but how could he prevent himself from feeling what was true to his core?

A few weeks later.

Still stiff, but thankfully mobile, Peter sat by Aunt May on a leather couch across from one of the Stark lawyers in Stark Manor. The place was freshly cleaned and returned to it’s former glory, a bit stuffy and cold for Peter’s liking, but that could easily be changed if he wanted it to be so.

After all, the Manor was now his. As was several more properties across the globe, half of Tony’s intellectual properties and a third of Tony’s wealth and controlling shares of Stark Industries. Another third was split between Rhodey and Happy.

The final third of Tony’s wealth and the other half of his intellectual property was being bequeathed to another kid his age, someone Tony had told him about but never had the chance to meet before now. Harley Keener was seated with his mother and sister on the only other leather couch in the room, looking just as melancholy and nervous as Peter felt. That alone was enough to prompt him to approach the other teen once the formalities and paper work had been dealt with. 

The two Stark heirs accompanied each other to the Manor’s pool area, settling down on old deck chairs, content to be next to each other in the silence for a while, just enjoying the cool breeze grazing their faces. Peter was happy to lay there for longer, but eventually Harley got curious and turned towards him, tilting his head.

“So you’re Spider-Man, huh?”

Harley gave a weak chuckle at Peter’s jerk reaction, giving himself away before he could even try to deny it.

“Don’t worry, Tony never blabbed. He would never do that to you. I kinda hacked into F.R.I.D.A.Y and found your file. Tony was both pissed and impressed by that...”

Despite himself, Peter laughed, hardly caring after several weeks of emotional turmoil,”Just don’t go spreading it around, yeah? Once we both turn 18, we’ll be sharing ownership of the same company. Best to not go pissing each other off.”

Harley chuckled again, “True. Shit. That shouldn’t be hard, should it?”

“What?”

“Owning the biggest tech company in the world. One of us is gonna have to run it eventually.”

“Ugh, I really don’t want to think about that right now. I don’t care,” Peter sighed, “I can’t even think about putting my suit on at the moment. Tony made that, y’know? He put so much effort into it...Parachute....Heater....A.I...Over 500 ways to shoot a web, how did he even...?”

“He cared about you, that’s how,” Harley stated as if it were the most obvious fact in the world. It probably was, “Just like how he tutored me in engineering despite not being able to visit me that much.....I’m gonna miss it...”

“Yeah,” sighed Peter. 

The two heirs fell back into their shared silence again for several minutes before Harley once again broke it.

“Tony was closer to you than me.”

“What makes you say that? You knew him longer than I did.”

“Yeah, but you got to see him every week....I was just...”

“Family. You were his family. Tony said so.”

Harley looked apprehensive, but hopeful, “Did he really say that?”

Peter gave a grim smile, “Well...not directly, but it was implied. He said that his family consists of people who are just as weird as he was....”

“....You’re calling me weird?”

Peter chuckled, “Is that a bad thing?”

Harley considered it for a moment, “Nope, it’s not a bad thing at all.”

“Good. I guess....I guess we’ll just have to keep being weird together without him, right?”

“Right.”

[goodyeartheshippycat]

Meme time again!

I was tagged by the always lovely @sparkly-things, and have dragged my feet on doing it for over a week… better late than never, right? XD  

1. Name? – You can call me Goodyear on here ;)

2. Age? – 29 now, though I was still 28 when I was tagged. Does that mean I’m some indeterminate quantum fluctuating age?

3. Height? – Just shy of 6’ (I’m 182 cm for you metric folks).

4. Sign? – I’m a staunch disbeliever in this sort of thing, but Aries, if that means anything to you. And Snake for the Chinese zodiac, just to be complete, I suppose.

5. Religious? – Big ol’ Atheist here. Swear me in on The Origin of Species, please.  

6. Tea or Coffee? – Oh, definitely tea. All kinds of tea. Black, green, white, oolong, puerh, rooibos, herbal. Every once in a while I’ll have a coffee, usually in some dessert-like form, but it’s not really my thing.

7. Music? – Gonna be cliché with Liz and say everything, but I’ll even include country, rap, and death metal. I’ll listen to just about anything, though my favourites that I return to again and again are jazz (the kind you can dance to, please), post-rock/shoegaze, other atmospheric genres without much in the way of lyrics, and whatever pop/indie songs I’m currently digging, which is always changing.  

8. Favourite Movie? – I’m also the kind of person who forgets this the minute I get asked, or can’t decide. I’m not much of a movie person, anyway. Anything Studio Ghibli is good in my books. If I have to choose individual films, let’s go with two wildly different ones.  Amélie and Kung Pow! Enter the Fist. My childhood favourite, hands down, was The Lion King.

9. Employed? – Yup, but looking for work in my field, because I don’t want to be selling dresses forever.

10. Dream job?  – I really feel you on this one, Liz. I’m pretty lost right now in terms of what I want to do, and feel like I’ve fucked up royally and am not really sure where to go from here. If I could be really unrealistic, I’d love to be an independently wealthy gentlewoman scientist/Victorian-era adventurer. But if we’re talking real-world, actual possible jobs in this day, age, and that I might be able to have one day, I’d say working as a curator at a botanic garden. Sadly, positions like that are hard to come by.

11. Favourite game? – Like with movies, I find it hard to remember/choose. Recently, Ghost Trick was a fucking phenomenal game that I really loved. I like the Final Fantasy games. Really, most old school RPGs are fun times for me. I can’t play anything first-person, or with really shaky cameras because I get motion sick easily. I have so much nostalgic love for game series on the PlayStation and Playstation II, as well, like Crash Bandicoot, Spyro, and Sly Cooper, that I played during my formative years. Ditto for Gameboy Colour games like Pokemon Blue, and the various Legend of Zelda games from that time period. 

12. Favourite drink? – Alcoholic? A good single malt scotch whisky, or a gin and tonic. Non-alcoholic is probably covered by the tea or coffee answer!

13. Tattoos? – One. It’s a small one, behind my ear. I’ll give you three guesses ;)

14. Defining Moment? – Apparently @sparkly-things and I are on the same page about a lot of these answers! Probably the biggest defining moment of my adult life—for better or worse—was when, after two medical leaves and a lot of tough decisions, I finally chose to leave my PhD program. I feel very lucky to have had the support of my supervisor, lab mates, family, and partner, which allowed me to publish and turn my research work into a MSc thesis instead, so at least I didn’t leave empty-handed. I know it was the right decision, and I wouldn’t change it even if I could go back, but it’s definitely been (and still continues to be) a struggle to not see myself as a failure. It’s still having reverberations in my life to this day. I feel happier and healthier now, but less fulfilled in some ways; unmoored and not sure of what I should be doing without the purpose that academia gave me. Ugh, I’m just going to stop there before I get any more whiny.

15. Name one dessert you can’t do without – All of them? I have such a sweet tooth—any day that I can have double dessert is a good day, and I love to bake! I think, though, that if I had to choose one, it would have to be really good homemade chocolate chip cookies. There’s just something so comforting about them that simply can’t be beat. 

16. Name one thing you can’t do without – Something to read. Doesn’t matter if it’s an article, a good book, a short story, poetry, an essay, fanfic, or a text-based RP, I’ve always loved reading. If I’m in a place personally where I can’t read, I’m in a very bad place indeed.

17. Name one person you can’t be without – I’m going to be that disgusting half of a codependent couple who says my partner. He’s my biggest support, my cheerleader, my friend, and I can’t really imagine life without him at this point. I mean, I can, but I can’t imagine being nearly as happy. I’m not even going to mince words about it: I probably wouldn’t be here to write this if it weren’t for him.

18. Name one fictional character you love – Ugh, don’t make me choose! Right at this moment, probably due to the latest page update, and the fic I’m currently writing, and the fic I’m currently reading, I’m going to say Ethos from Starfighter. He’s so precious. #Protect Ethos 2k18

19. Name one thing you want to do – Find something that drives me again, in my professional life. It’s been too long since I felt passion about what I spend my time doing while (barely) earning a living. I don’t need a lot of money, but I would love to love what I do again. I miss that something terrible.

20. Tagging – My usual routine. I’d love to hear what any of you lovely folks have to say about these questions, but I’m not going to tag anyone specifically. Do it if you want to! I’m totally a sucker for learning these sorts of things about people; it just satisfies a weird curiosity for me. I promise I’m not a stalker…

[neetu-uplifts]

Oneness

Man, I love this word. It runs deep for me. When I hear or think “oneness”, something inside my mind releases and my heart warms. I feel connected to everyone around me, even if just for a few seconds. My ego and the dualism that it creates (me-them, me-her, me-him, us-them) weakens just by saying “oneness”. It’s such a powerful word. It speaks to the ultimate truth about life and all living beings. We are all connected at the core. We all emanate from the same source - the life force that runs through our bodies and keeps us breathing, walking and talking. Our false egoic identities create divisions among us. We’ve slapped labels on ourselves and on each other, creating conflict, separation and hate, when truthfully, underneath all that, we are one.

Ego: Public Enemy #1

Eckhart Tolle drops the mic when he reminds us that “You are consciousness appearing as a person for a little while”. Read it again, slowly. You are consciousness appearing as a person for a little while. And so is every other living being around you. We are all consciousness in different bodies (costumes) for a short while. We are souls having a human experience. Ultimately, there is no difference between you and me. But we think we’re different from each other because of our ego (false identity). It’s interesting to think about this in the context of someone who we intentionally want to distinguish as very different from us. For example, when I think about a Republican Trump supporter who makes racist and/or sexist comments, I need to separate myself from that. The stories around what that person is and how they think create an image that I could never associate myself with. But I need to remind myself that we are all suffering from the same mental phenomenon of being stuck in our false identities (Liberal, Conservative, Jewish, Sikh, Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Black, White, Brown, etc) and we operate from those respective vantage points. Underneath all that, the essence of our truest selves is the same. At the core, (soul level) there is no difference between me and that Trump supporter. We are both pieces of the same infinite light. When I think about it that way, I don’t hate on or judge the Trump supporter as a living being. I lose interest in thinking about them as a Trump supporter. The labels fade away. I can and will absolutely call out garbage behaviour, condemn social ills and stand against unjust ideologies. But I don’t have to attack the individual; it’s about attacking the twisted ideologies, which stem from the pathology of their ego. We’re all suffering from our ego - just in different ways or to different extents.

Sadly, maintaining a oneness mindset 24/7 is incredibly difficult as the ego is incredibly powerful. We have spent decades being conditioned by the ego, building and believing our false identities and the labels and stories that come with them, as well as the labels and stories about others (I’m Neetu and this is my story and these are the things that define me and my life….blah blah blah….those Republicans over there are so whack….). The more we watch our minds and practice awareness the more conscious we will become and the weaker our egoic selves will become. The ego is false (it’s not you) but it basically controls you because you’re so identified with and attached to it and the thoughts and emotions it creates. It’s like we’re asleep and consciousness is the cold bucket of ice water that will wake us up. Once we stop identifying with our stories and our thoughts and feelings, which are created by your ego, we become way less judgmental. We see no value in defining ourselves or others. We define others in reference to ourselves (i.e. that person is younger, smarter, fitter, more accomplished, calmer than me, etc). Remember, ego is anything we’re identified with. As we navigate this human journey we’re on, it’s helpful to have a name, some material possessions like clothes, a home or a cell phone, and loved ones who we recognize as our family members, etc. Let’s enjoy these aspects of this human experience. It’s when we get lost in these things and derive our sense of self from all of the labels, possessions, achievements, suffering, attachments and addictions that we’re stuck. The goal is to be like the lotus flower, in the water but not consumed by it. You’re in this world (human form) but not of this world (you realize who you really are is the deeper soul). Once we give up attachment to defining ourselves, we won’t have a reference point against which to define, compare, assess or stack others. We will just see consciousness everywhere - within and around us. There is no false identity to protect, validate or defend. Thoughts and emotions emanate from the ego; they are not the truth of who you are. Who you are is a permanent state of being or “is-ness”. Neutral, non-reactive, at peace, connected to everything. Getting there however requires us breaking out of our deep egoic slumber. And that, my friends, is not easy to do. But it’s ultimately the point of this human life and the best thing we can do for ourselves and for each other.

Mantra: Give-up Defining Yourself

Sometimes throughout the day I’ll repeat a mantra to myself. When I’m lucky and get brief glimpses of awareness, I’ll catch or notice my ego operating e.g. “that was such a great idea, people probably think I’m pretty cool” or “damn, just killed that last set of squats, so strong, look at that guy, he’s looking at me shocked that I’m lifting this much, yeaah boyyyy” or “why doesn’t she or he make an effort to keep in touch with me?” Ego is present both when we think we’re the shit (high on our story) AND when we feel like shit (low on our story). Any attachment to story = ego. In these moments, I’ll literally say to myself: “give up defining yourself, Neetu”. It’s like slamming the breaks on the ego. I experience an immediate and intense state of presence. I hard stop on the egoic story of Neetu and step outside of the chatter and content of my mind, even if just for a few minutes. I don’t feel bad about the egoic thoughts because I know those thoughts aren’t me. I laugh at my ego and how pathetic it is. This (at least for me) is one of the most powerful and effective little tricks to spotlighting my ego and disidentifying from it (and doing that weakens it), even if just for 30 seconds or two minutes. Try it out! Even just mindfully watching your thoughts the way you would watch a toddler who’s roaming around the house can be very effective. The more we practice awareness the more we weaken our ego. The ego is a tricky bastard though - it will show-up in the subtlest of ways. Ego can develop if we think we’re suddenly “conscious” and “enlightened”, ridding ourselves of our ego, unlike all the other ‘peasants’ out there. Watch for that too. It’s another form of self-definition and story-making and dualism in the mind. The ego is so slithery dude.

Replace Labels with Love

I grew up in a Sikh family. I respect Sikhism but I am not a religious person. I am definitely a spiritual person. What’s the difference? I see religion as man-made. To me, religion is the outcome of centuries of “interpretations” slapped onto the ONE truth, which was shared by several different enlightened prophets - Jesus, Guru Nanak, Ibrahim, Buddha, to name a few. This truth in its purest form was meant to unite people through their oneness, not divide them. But the layers of interpretation and “tweaking” over hundreds of years have resulted in religion being a source of grave divide and hate among humanity. Spirituality on the other hand, honours that single source of truth; the truth of God, who exists in every living being. This was the core message that all of the prophets of every religion were trying to communicate. If you read the Bhagavad Gita, Old Testament or the Sri Guru Granth Sahib, and you break down what they’re all saying, at the deepest level, they are pointing to the one same truth. Their message just got distorted along the way through the dogma of organized religion. Spirituality helps us discover the truth of ourselves. It connects and unites us. It is all about oneness. A beautiful excerpt from Eckhart Tolle reinforces this: “It’s not what you believe (religion) that matters. It’s your state of consciousness that matters.” Don’t ask me what my religion is, look instead at how strong my ego is. Look at how much compassion and kindness I practice. My state of consciousness will tell you where I am on my inward journey home. Home being your soul, a state of oneness and bliss. Also, I recognize that following a particular religion doesn’t automatically mean you are lost or that you “hate” people from other religions. Religion can definitely be a valuable path to community and inner peace. My concern with religion is when it becomes the basis or narrative for hate and separation. Whether that’s the belief that “my religion is the only path to God and liberation” or “people of that religion are all extremists”. If we all just let each be wherever we are, with whatever we see as the helpful path to peace then religion is fine.

Insanity of the Ego

Eckhart Tolle talks about the pathological nature of ego, which causes suffering of various degrees to the self and others. He goes on to talk about the ego having a “fear and distrust of other people, [and a] tendency to emphasize the “otherness” of others by focusing on their perceived faults and [it] makes those faults into their identity”.  I think about this in the context of the senseless and tragic mass shooting at two mosques in New Zealand earlier this week that left 50 innocent people dead. Look at the damage being done through mental labels. Children were among those 50. It’s unimaginably sickening. Tolle explains: “any mental labeling we attach to others desensitizes us to the humanity or the truth of who that person is”. White supremacy, Islamophobia and terrorism - they are all the disgusting outcomes of severely unconscious, insanely pathological egos governed by extreme “otherness”. I love the statement below from Hasan Minhaj in response to the New Zealand shootings - he’s pointing to Oneness.

Earlier this week, I had the opportunity to attend a powerful talk by Pardeep Singh Kaleka and Arno Michaelis. During the 2012 Sikh Temple shootings in Oak Creek, Wisconsin, a white supremacist entered the temple and fatally shot 6 people. The Sikh temple leader, Satwant Singh Kaleka, was among the victims and also Pardeep’s Father. The shooter was a member of one of America’s largest white supremacist groups, which Arno (who had since left that life) had founded. I found the conversation between Arno and Pardeep so riveting because it’s a striking example of how two men, who could hate each other, came together to conquer hate through love. They founded Serve2Unite, an award-winning, international peace building and educational initiative that works with youth to break stereotypes and overcome hate and violence through art and social good projects. They also wrote a book called The Gift of Our Wounds. Their friendship and brotherhood, which was visibly genuine, shows us all what’s possible through kindness and compassion. As Pardeep said on Tuesday night when asked where he found the strength to befriend Arno: “pain will do 1 of 3 things: it’ll transform you for the better, consume you or you’ll transfer it to others”. I’m so moved by both Pardeep and Arno’s intentional decision to transform themselves into better, more loving beings, despite the pain and suffering that initiated the connection between them. 

In a recent Headspace meditation I did, they key takeaway was “The extraordinary-ness (soul) in our ordinary-ness (human form) is what connects us all”. We are no different in our extraordinary-ness, which is the best and truest part of us. We all belong to one another and it’s when we forget this that we suffer. I see the future generations as holding more promise in this regard. Last weekend, my 7-year old nephew was making a birthday card for his friend’s birthday party, which he was attending later that day. My Mom, out of curiosity, asked if his friend was “Indian, White, Asian or Black”. My nephew thought for a few seconds and as I watched his facial expression I could see that he was struggling to answer the question (and this kid is really smart). Finally he responded to his Grandmother: “Ummm, I don’t know”. I realized in that moment that he doesn’t see colour. And my hope is that neither do any of the people in his generation. May love protect them from the social ills of racism, religious divisions and discrimination.

#soulgoals

Look at people who you consider fundamentally different from you and realize that they are you and you are them. You are one. It’s hard to realize or feel that because our short-sighted egoic mind doesn’t allow us to see past the labels we’ve created and attached. When we break free from the labels we’ve attached to ourselves and to others, we see, think and feel from a place of deep love. How different would the world be if we operated from that mindset? Oneness is about love and connectedness - a connection that’s not dependent on selfish outcomes. It’s like I forget who I am (false self/ego) and so I forget who you are (labels created by ego) and I just see ONE (truth/consciousness). Or as Mooji says: “I know who you are because I know who I am”. That’s the dream state. That’s liberation for the soul.

[weliketheiroldstuff]

August Burns Red shows us the light with Silverstein and Silent Planet in Detroit

August Burns Red rolled into Detroit Wednesday June 26th to kick off the summer with friends in Silverstein and Silent Planet. As stoked as I was to be asked by Silent Planet to cover this show and photograph it, when finding out we were approved by all three bands made me just a bit more proud to continue this stuff. Since the last show I shot (Slayer, Lamb of God, Amon Amarth, Cannibal Corpse) my life has drastically changed. It’s safe to say that this being the first show of the rest of my life, it was pretty integral to how I would feel about moving on with this adventure in music journalism. As soon as I got in the venue I felt like I was back at home and right where I needed to be.

Once in the photo pit waiting for Silent Planet, I was greeted by one of my favorite people in the music industry Jessica Golich. It’s great to have people who get your energy and can match it and then some through their own release of creativity. I admire these people and so I was a bit nervous because “what if I fuck up?” and well as soon as the guys in Silent Planet walked out on stage, I felt all that doubt slip away. These types of tension relievers and vacuums for fog and negativity are all anyone needs to know everything is going to be okay. I’m just insanely lucky to be where I’m at, but also because I’ve worked insanely hard to get here. This is mirrored by the guys on stage who have worked even harder at musicianship and songwriting and performing to get to a packed Fillmore show.

Silent Planet is one of the most emotionally driven bands that are putting out some of the hardest hitting post hardcore I've heard in years. Their live set is nothing short of what SP fans expect. Plenty of descriptive talking points as to why this band is writing music in the first place. Releasing negative energy in a positive way. Catharsis can come in many forms and has many faces and with this band it comes in the form of atmospheric guitars and bass echoed by drum beats that would send a dent to the weakest chest in seconds. Garrett uses their downtime between songs to give us the background on a lot of the music they played in their set. Songs about loss and struggle, friends with ptsd, suicide, and faith all rolled into a set that raised the bar for opening sets to come. This year alone I’ve seen 3 different openers come out and make it damn near impossible to follow. Which in the end only elevated the rest of the show to heights not necessarily expected.

Silverstein had a close to home show at the Fillmore being from Ontario. I personally have seen this band countless times and it is always a great time. Their energy on stage is unmatched to the amount of smiling that guitarist Josh Bradford does on stage. How the hell do you even compete with that. If I was graded on how I felt after watching their set I would get 100%. It’s hard to be sad or bummed out when a dude is smiling at you for an hour and playing songs that make nostalgia seem so familiar. Then they ripped through the debut performance of their song “Burn It Down” which features Caleb Shomo from another regionally local to us band, Beartooth. The song has been stuck in my head ever since and they played it fucking flawlessly even without Caleb to do his thing. The amount of crowd surfers amped up during their set causing security guards to work even harder to keep these head crushers from getting hurt. Weird right? Crowd surfers need to be protected more than the people they’re standing or laying on. It’s one concert practice I wish would fade into the past as soon as possible. Maybe I’m a little biased but being slammed up against stages in photo pits by 300lbs men carrying 130 pound women isn’t always my favorite thing in the world. I love the energy that Silverstein omits to their crowds, I just like my family jewels to be in place and not flattened like a ping pong paddle.

August Burns Red is one of the most creative bands in metal and metalcore to this day. They redefined christian music and made it accessible to people like myself who love positivity but ignore organized religion. I’m able to find common ground with people I would otherwise not outside of these types of events. I was completely surprised not a single person said anything about my Bloodlined Calligraphy shirt. With their iconic album Constellations turning 10 on my birthday July 14th, August Burns Red celebrates the foundation of their legacy with one of the coolest shows I’ve been to in my life. Thanks for the early birthday gift fellas! I appreciate it and you! Their lighting alone is one to be rivaled. Absolutely loved their stage setup and design. Just because Matt was impossible to photograph from the photo pit, doesn’t mean it wasn’t still such a great experience to watch him and the dudes rip through “Thirty and Seven”.

It is clear as day, August Burns Red were made to make this record and continue a legacy that has shown the metal world we can be positive. We don’t have to always be so fucking angry or depressed. Instead of taking the religious undertones as preaching, it can easily be viewed as motivating. I’ve always been a conundrum in this aspect as I love tons of christian metal and hardcore bands. I am a part of the Bloodlined Calligraphy family. I am also a staunch lifelong atheist. I value the uplifting message that comes in music though. Considering these guys don’t make it like you’re in church live and on their records, instead they use metaphors and their ability to release their negative energy into positive music to cross barriers and touch people like myself. This is a band I’ve admired for a decade and it was such a trip to walk out of the photo pit as JB started playing “White Washed”. In that moment so much negativity that has surrounded my life lately washed away. I felt a new level of soul cleaning happening as I continue to photograph them from afar. This is a band that should be around for decades and through their recordings, forever. Happy Birthday Constellations and congratulations on cementing your legacy August Burns Red.

If you didn’t know, they remixed and remastered Constellations for today’s audio and it sounds incredible. You can hear it HERE!

August Burns Red

Silverstein

Silent Planet

AUGUST BURNS RED Website: http://augustburnsred.com Facebook: https://found.ee/abrfacebook Instagram: https://found.ee/abrinstagram Twitter: https://found.ee/abrtwitter

SILVERSTEIN https://www.silversteinmusic.com/ https://twitter.com/silverstein https://www.facebook.com/silversteinmusic/

SILENT PLANET https://www.facebook.com/silentplanetmusic/ https://silentplanetmerch.com/ https://twitter.com/SLNTPLNT

[automatismoateo]

I escaped an elaborate kidnapping ruse in Africa. Here's my story. via /r/atheism

Submitted August 15, 2017 at 02:52AM by Universe01 (Via reddit http://ift.tt/2w8wvUr) I escaped an elaborate kidnapping ruse in Africa. Here's my story.

After moving hundreds of miles away from home for college, I was looking forward to taking a vacation with my family the summer after my first year. My freshman year of college had been especially hard, both from being far from my family and all the stress that typically comes with starting college.

My decision to pursue postsecondary education in New York came with the price of leaving my family behind. It was emotional and tumultuous. I, like many first-generation students from an immigrant background, struggled to reconcile two frequently opposing forces: family membership and educational mobility. So when my mother invited me to go on a vacation to Kenya to visit our family I thought this would be a good chance to spend some time together, reunite with family we hadn’t seen for a while and have fun. Little did I know that my mother had other plans in store for me.

I hail from an extremely conservative Muslim background, but over the past years, I had recognized that I didn’t consider myself Muslim anymore. Not only did I have to hide from my family that I was an ex-Muslim, but also that I was gay.

We are Somali by ethnicity, but my family fled to Kenya before I was born. We immigrated to the United States when I was young, but not all of our family was able to come to the United States. This wouldn’t be my first time going back to Kenya, so I was looking forward to seeing family and spending some time there.

We arrived in Kenya in late May 2017. The first night we arrived, my mother told me this would not be a summer vacation. She told me that I would not be returning back to the United States at the end of the summer as planned. She asked me to withdraw from college so that I could be placed under the control of a group of sheikhs whose goal would be to make me Muslim and straight again. Somehow my family had found out my secret and had prepared this elaborate ruse to get me to Kenya.

Similar to the philosophies of gay conversion therapy in the United States, there are those within the Muslim community who will utilize abusive tactics to try and “take the gay out of me.” Even though my mother “asked” me to go, I knew that this wasn’t really a choice. A few sheikhs were also at my hotel that night. They briefly spoke to me about how being gay and atheist is unequivocally against my Islamic upbringing and African heritage. I knew that when they came to take me away the following morning, I would be forced to go.

I was quite aware of the horrors of these gay and religious conversion camps. The leaders operate the conversion camp around grim parts of Somalia and Kenya. They subject the captives to severe beatings, shackling, food deprivation, and other cruel practices. Women and girls are forced into marriages, have FGM performed on them and are barred from accessing education.

I had to get out immediately. I was without access to money or even my passport, so I needed assistance. To buy myself some time, I told my mother that I would be willing to go along with her plans. I told them I was going for a walk, and then I reached out to members of Ex-Muslims of North America.

I was put in touch with Muhammad Syed, who instantly reached out to the United States Embassy in Kenya to see if they could help me escape. I was told that if I could take a cab to the Embassy, they could shelter me and help me figure out how I could get back to the United States.

In the middle of the night, when everyone was asleep, I stole my passport, escaped from the hotel and made it safely to the Embassy. It was literally the scariest moment of my life. One mistake and everything would be over.

Thankfully, the Consul General welcomed me into his home until we could figure out what to do. The next problem was that I had no place to go and no money to get back to the United States. I couldn’t go back home because that's where my family lives. The Consul General reached out to various folks to see if they would be willing to host me until I get things figured out. Luckily, they were able to find a place for me. The Ex-Muslims of North America was generous enough to pay for my airfare back to the United States.

Once back on U.S. soil I felt a measure of relief. Both the FBI and local police are keeping an eye on me and, while I have begun to feel physically safe, emotionally the nightmare still isn’t over. At 19, I now have no family. Even family who had nothing to do with this scheme aren’t talking to me.

Their rejection and treatment of me have left me beyond devastated. It has left me seriously questioning who I am and whether I deserve to be treated this way. The loss of their love and support, both financial and emotional, won’t be easy to get over.

While I’m lucky to have close friends who have offered their love and support, it does absolutely nothing for the hole my family ripped into my heart. I know what they did to me was horrible and wrong, but they are still my family and reconciling with them will take time.

While I’m working through all of this on a personal level, I know that I want to do everything I can to prevent this from happening to others like me. I have been meeting with the State Department and others to discuss what can be done to stop this barbaric practice, which is all too prevalent

Gay conversion therapy in and of itself is exceedingly abhorrent. It is still used in the United States and while it can’t alter someone’s sexual orientation, it certainly scars them for life. Suicide rates are extremely high for people who are forced into these conversion camps. However, these sorts of camps operate in complete secrecy in parts of Africa. The fact that homosexuality is still illegal in most of Africa makes these conversion camps even crueler.

Unlike conversion therapy in the United States, the ones in East Africa (and other Muslims dominated regions) aren’t commonly reported on or talked about. We don’t have exact numbers of how many young people are forced to go to these camps, but we know the numbers are growing. Many of the people held captive have similar stories to myself. Their family immigrated to the United States, and their family brought them back to Somalia or Kenya to force them into these re-education camps.

I am lucky enough to be over eighteen, a U.S. citizen, and have a large support network, so it made it easier for me to get out of this horrible situation. Not everyone's that lucky. That is why I’m sharing my story. I’m sharing it with you all so you could know that this shit still happens. I’m sharing it so that the U.S. and other governments can do what they can to protect the vulnerable youth of Muslim backgrounds whose parents abuse them in the name of religion and culture.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to have a relationship with my family, but I am thankful that I am alive. For now, I am taking it one day at a time.

Thanks for reading.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

You Know What, Forget About Waiting Until A Few Months To Post

first I want to say that, I’m thinking of letting others submit stuff on my tumblr page, but there might be some submits that I might not let through....

we will have to wait and see...

(also feel free to skip all the way down that talks about Steven Universe, MLP and even the theory about Undertale and Deltarune...)  

also I’m not gonna say what made me feel I needed to stop posting on tumblr so much, or like wait until maybe a few months to post.

and so what if I go by Neo-Spiritual now, and have to keep it in my religious closet and have to keep it secret from my family...?

I have to do the same with the whole being a Aceflux and about my gender identity....both being in their respective closets.

like I had talked about before, I wanted to tell my Mom and maybe the rest of my family that I am a Asexual Flux, well it is more like in the Gray-Asexual....

you know like when you feel more Asexual one day and the next you might well feel the sexual feelings on other days....

but yeah did try to tell my Mom,

but I wanted to get her thoughts on Asexuality first.

basically she doesn’t know that some Asexuals can be Bi, Pan, Omni, Lesbian, Vincian and even Hetero....

not all Aces will be the same, and heck some Aces can be the types not to figure out they have become Ace at some point in their lives because they were always picking up the sexual energies of those around them, and it takes getting some gems that block out those outside energies from those in another room, to let you finally figure out that you are Aceflux.

and if you should feel those certain feelings, it should be on your terms

or rather it should be coming from you and not from the energy your picking up from others that are in another room or like standing a few feet away from you,

depending on where the other party is and how they are feeling right now.

I mean yeah even if a sexual empath can pick up the sexual feelings from their romantic partner, by the very intimate actions....

but that is just one way to pick up the sexual energies,

you can still be a Virgin and still pick up on those types of energies,

and you don’t need to have s*x for it to happen,

or even kiss anyone on the lips either.  

 it can be bad to pick up on those types of energies too early,

and the reason being that you don’t know that you are open to the dangers of all energies that either make you feel a certain way

or they end up giving you a seizure, and of course there are no spiritual doctors to tell the doctors they have it wrong and all you needed was to move to a place that didn’t give off those dangerous energies.

and I don’t just mean the sexual energies either,

if your in school, in a cafeteria and you let your guard down

and there are a lot of people in the cafeteria who are giving off all types of energies, it will then become too much for your body to handle

and it will end up going bad for you, when it causes you to have a seizure.

not all seizures will be the types that need medicine,

and if you end up almost being taken off of it

and have a reaction from it, it can be the withdrawal.

it be nice if they just let my withdrawal happen.

if I knew then what I know now, it would of been the best thing for me

to not just go through the withdrawal of that medicine

but also move to where I live now

and get the gems that I have now to protect me.

speaking of gems....

I found something very interesting in a place that is called Bibleinfo.......

let me say this that yes it had the words Ezekial 13:18, 20 & 21 NIV. "this is what the Sovereign Lord says: 'Woe to the women who sew magic charms on all their wrists and make veils of various lengths for their heads in order to ensnare people.will you ensnare the lives of my people but preserve your own? I am against your magic charms with which ensnare people like birds, and I will tear them from your arms; I will set free the people that you ensnare like birds. I will tear off your veils and save my people from your hands, and they will no longer fall prey to your power.'"

so if I understand, I shouldn't keep wearing the gem bracelets I have on, because I shouldn't be protected by the negative energy...?

I shouldn't protect myself by the use of both the gem bracelets,

and the angel shaped gems that I keep under my pillow as I sleep,

to protect from any further Incubus encounters, cause I did say this before....

about the thing that happen when I was still sleeping but was like between sleep and awake. it was dark, I was on my back and then I felt something that I didn't like, and it scared me awake....

plus Ezekial says "women", he does not include the "men" or say some form of gender neutral addressing....like saying the "people" or "humankind",

but no....it was just "women"...that shows demeaning and sexist view towards women, girls, demi-women and demi-girls.  

these gems are part of the earth, part of the Earthly Mother,

and in my view, part of the Mother of All Angels....

I didn't really want to talk about this stuff right now,

but then I found that Bibleinfo place....

I want to try to only talk about this stuff maybe once in a while...

and even if Ezekial says that having such charms are bad,

but to me my bracelets that have different gems on them,

are I guess in a way Magic Charms, but they are magic charms to protect me.

plus there are other reasons why I wear some of them....

to not just protect myself, but others as well....I don’t think even Ezekial would understand my feelings or my reasons to do that.

and I ain’t gonna make him understand those reasons.

I can take my bracelets off once in a while, but I like to keep them on all the rest of the time even when I have to go to bed to sleep.

it's because of that kind of thing that Ezekial says about charms,

that I rather go live with the Earthly Mother/MA....

I had a freaking toxic-religious person make me feel bad to the point of crying a few years ago,

and when I did try to point that out, what did they do...?

they kept misusing those words on me....

plus do they even know what my childhood was like before I started to figure out what I had wasn't the normal type of seizures?!

my first seizure was when I was a baby,

but even if the doctors say the brain waves show the signs of it....

it can perhaps have to do with thoughts racing, maybe....

what ya think babies don’t “think” too, it is possible but the thoughts could still be slightly different to those who have fully matured.

but I believe the places I was living at before gave off too much bad energy.

even at schools I had went to before,

it wasn't until we fully moved to the town we live at now that my seizures had stop happening.

plus I learn that it is best for me to be in solitude at times, like being in my bedroom as a form of sanctuary.

I also want to try meditation,  I believe now if people want to believe they will need to do so willingly and not be force converted.

you shouldn’t do that to someone who is either already is in their own religion

or is a atheist, and it might not happen all the time

where someone who use to be religious would then become atheist

or when someone who is atheist might one day start to become religious.

but I believe that can happen at times.

but no matter if someone is in a different religion or atheist,

they shouldn’t be forced to convert because of some people who come to the door of your house and say you should convert,

and might even cross the lines to say if you don’t,

you will end up going to heck.

news flash, that is one of the biggest lies.

if someone wants to go to church they can, but you can also choose not to go

even if you have been to church a lot during your childhood.

and I’m not gonna fore convert my friends, family or anyone.

at least when it comes to some couple who get married

but have two different religious beliefs or if one of them is not religious at all,

they can still make things work and not force the other to convert.

other couples aren’t so lucky, either the bride or groom converts

into their in-laws religion, or the wedding is off....

but I guess that can be rare to happen,

but it is possible that could happen a lot.  

plus my friends can believe what they want, they don’t have to be Neo-Spiritual like me.

I still believe but in my way, and knowing there is possible there are truths and lies mixed into the history that has to do with Jesus.

not everyone will accept that he was born on New Years,

not Christmas, but no matter if your religious or not,

Christmas is the time of year where you are together with friends and family,

those you love even if they might get you mad at times when they don’t listen to you about something you find to be important.

one of the reasons I’m starting to believe there might be truths and lies mixed in.

is because of some info about Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

it has to do with this --> https://www.templeoftheola.org/holy-grail.html

one of the information that is wrote in that site, that talks about the Holy Grail and some other stuff... 

it talks about pointing out that the stories of Jesus dying on the cross and the many other stories are allegory, and are not talking about Jesus the man.

and are talking about the sun in the wheel of the year and the four seasons,

divided by a cross.

in theory, what really happen could be that there were men that did die on the crosses, but it could be that they were tortured into talking, so to reveal where Jesus went to.

and what if the picture that shows Jesus at a table with those who followed him,

was taken to be of a memory before he left with Mary Magdalene for their children’s safety. 

    and what if the betrayal with Judas, runs deeper than we know.

one of the possibilities is that Judas was perhaps  was approached and tempted by Satan, even if he did betray for money and later regret it.

that could be one half of the story involving Judas.

I can only hope I’m wrong about the whole body double of Jesus thing....

like while Jesus took his family to live in another part of the world,

another man ends up making a deal with Satan,

and was transform into the likeliness of Jesus.

and even if Jesus did return to the place from where he had left,

it could be so to keep his family safe and make sure to keep secret where they are living at when he had to take them to safety.

but the whole cross thing, could be mixed with truth and lies...

that yes there were those who were close to him that died on crosses,

but it could be mixed in with the wheel of the year, that has to do with a cross.

in my view, I believe there is still truth in the Holy Book.

I say Book because the word Bible is another word for Book,

and I like reading comic books and some other interesting books,

and that makes me a Bibliophile, but doesn’t mean that will have to do with the Holy Book, but all times of books.

even books about space and other planets.

but yeah I believe there is lies mixed in and like half-truths.

where something is true but it doesn’t give the whole truth,

which makes it a half-truth.

like with the story of Cain and Abel, I believe while the story is true

it does not give the whole truth and it ends up being a half-truth in.

but it’s okay that not everyone believes this, not many have to do so.

  I  believe there is a possibility that Cain didn't just kill Abel out of jealousy.... let's look at the facts, the info about what those two gave as sacrifice offerings....Cain gave fruit or vegetables, while Abel gave something living that was of flesh and blood.

what is wrote makes us think it was a animal, but what if it turns out it was not....?

what if there was more to that story, which might end up be kept secret.

if you said that it was a virgin sacrifice, some of you might think the animal that was used was the virgin....

but let me tell you this, Abel's sacrifice being accepted wasn't out of favoring Abel's offering over Cain's.

if the lost life of the innocent soul was not accepted, it might ended up in the other place.... a clearing of the woods, a rock slab, a sharp rock in hands....that is possible but wouldn't be believed by everyone.

I'm saying that it is possible, if it turned out that Abel did sacrifice another human being...

and that it was accepted, it was out of love for the soul that lost their life which it was because of what Abel did that Cain became the second to murder....

it is possible, but more evidence would need to look into to either prove Abel's innocence or guilt. and to prove that Cain is either innocent or guilty,

but even if he were innocent he would still be guilty at the same time. the point is, that it is possible that Cain took Abel's life for taking the life of a innocent, who's blood that Abel had spilled.

if this were true, this would mean that both were guilty of murder,

but it would also mean that Cain only did it because Abel killed a innocent first. but there will need to be more evidence to prove it, to see if Abel is truly innocent of such a act.

but no matter the outcome, both would still be guilty of taking a life....I know it might be strange, but I can't help but think Abel might of used a human instead of animal.

animals lives are important too, but some of them are still used for food and clothes.

but we should not take more than what we need, but make sure to take care of them and not kill them out of cold blood.

I'm not gonna make others believe that whole thing about Abel and Cain, plus I rather only talk about this once in a while.

but I will believe that it is possible some things were covered up.

I mean try telling those doctors who make the vaccine,

that they need blood donations from those with O RH Negative Blood

to make the vaccine be more successful.

or is it that positive O RH Blood type that is the universal blood donation type...?

I will need to look it up sometime.

I don't know if I could give a lot of blood, plus we still need to double check to see if my blood comes out O RH D Negative again....

but it might be a while, plus I had another episode the other day ago....

that ended up me feeling a little light headed and warm, it might of been because the air conditioner or the blood from my fingers or both.

I know the doctors wouldn't be much help with figuring out my blood type, because they only do that if someone is going to have surgery.

so it was kind of a blessing to find out there is the home version to that blood type test.

but if it turns out that my blood type is really O RH D Negative, I will just have to accept it.

and I guess it might be possible when my soul was born, it was maybe like happy accident...?

but I know I may not of had the best past lives, and it might be good that I don't remember them or just have a type of memory fragments of it.

at least I am glad that it turns out I wasn't King David's daughter in a past life,

but it could still turn out she is my soul-mother.

when a soul is born from another soul, like a soul giving "birth" to a newborn soul fragment.

it is possible that newborn soul will end up confusing their soul-parent

(or soul parents if two fragments of more than one soul-parent end up merging together to make something new.)

as their own past life memories, but only the ones most close to them will be theirs and not their soul-parents.

it is possible that the soul fragment birth, would have to be given a blessing by the heavenly father and earthly mother.

it might be rare when a newborn baby soul, ends up being born on earth because of their soul-parents.

which would leave it to a Angel to come to get the newborn soul.

we can't choose who our soul parents are, or even soul grandparents....

you might start to remember memories that are not of your own,

but are of one of your soul-parents or soul-grandparents memories.

plus no matter how many times you reincarnate,

those soul/spiritual genes are stuck with you for life and all eternity.

and if it one of the reasons why Bloody Mary wouldn’t be able to reunite

with her lost baby, who might be reincarnated by now....

is because of of the foolish actions that humans have done by trying to summon her and the blood she has on her hands when they foolishly summon her and say lies to her that she might believe.

also from that Lucifer show, if you haven’t watched it just skip this...

Charlie is half-mortal, but he is still half-immortal.

It can mean slow ageing for him in the future,

Rory is proof of this.

And at some point when their hybrid soul reaches full maturity,

they will stay the physical age they look, either it be 20 or older.

Charlie and Rory might go through a very slow ageing and at some point they will stop ageing once their hybrid souls reach full maturity.

to me, those two are technically “Earth Angels”

most Earth Angels can be born in different ways, 

but if there is no love between the human mother and angel parent,

then the offspring will become a monster type Nephilim. 

the reason why Rory and Charlie didn’t end up like the Nephilim back in those ancient times....

is because their creation was out of true love, and not out of lust alone

and both parties consented.

I think it might be a while before we can try again with seeing if my blood comes up as O RH D Negative again.

and if it does, I will have to accept that is my real blood type.

my Mom is RH Negative, so it could be rare for a offspring to become RH Negative like their Mom.

 I had started watching/listening to the show that is called

 Good Morning From Hell, and even if there can be some stuff in it that I might not like but I still love that show so far. 

I still view Clayton’s brother as a butthead....

and the show is obviously not for little kids, and it is for mature audience.

and parents shouldn’t blame the content, but themselves.

if Adult Swim is about to come on, don’t just sit there and just let your kids see the shows about ready to come on.

change the channel and maybe put on a family friendly movie.

and if they think about sneaking out late from their bedroom

to go watch the Adult Swim, put the parental locks on the tv

so they wont be able to get on Adult Swim.

it is nice to know that I’m not the only one who has open their eyes

about how it isn’t the content to blame, but the parents or guardians or aunts or uncles or grandparents who watch the children, or should be....

if you give them a tablet, make sure to put the parental locks on it.

if they are on Youtube, make sure to go to the settings

and go to the thing that says hide inappropriate content.

they do give you a warning that Adult Swim,

even Helluva Boss and Hazbin Hotel ain’t for children.

it would be nice if those two shows did end up being on Adult Swim,

and it wasn’t a lie made up by another Youtuber...

I still have my doubts on A24, but I hope things work out....

also yeah I have a poor view of Satan,

I don’t know maybe it has to do with those toxic satanist,

at least when satanist come up in fictional stories or movies or shows,

it isn’t bad and it isn’t real and for some shows or movies or audio series...

it makes it so there is a comedy added into it and a slice of life type feel.

with documentaries about cults, they end up being real-real....

and if we want to learn more about that real-real stuff, it might be for well only once in a while, but only prefer the fictional version where no real people or animals get sacrificed.

and I guess a part me wants to believe that not all Satanist

would go so far as to take a human life....

even if it were possible that I could of had a bad experience with Satanist in one of my past lives....

and they might of ended up making me a sacrifice in a type of attic

causing me to go to hell, and a Angel had to come and get me....

and by Angel, I mean Archangel Azrael.

and yeah I had used my pendulum to ask about that before....

so yeah it might be possible those who had been used in that type of ritual in one of their past lives....might hold resentment to Satanist that really do human type sacrifices.

which ends up taking a life....

so if it turns out to be true, jokes on the Satanist that used my past self as a sacrifice....I didn’t end up staying in Heck.

and so what if I ended up being a Descendant of Cain,

and he is referred to as part of the Satanic Bloodline....

if someone is born into that bloodline, mixed with the blood type

that is considered the Holy Grail type or whatever....

then they don’t have to be referred to as the Satanic Bloodline....

I still want to go live with the Earthly Mother/Goddess in the Earth type Heaven.

I still believe in the Heavenly Father/God and even Jesus.

there are a few reasons I rather go live with The Earthly Mother.

I feel like I can relate to Amethyst and Steven from Steven Universe/Steven Universe Future.

Amethyst didn’t ask to be made, and it took her time to accept herself

and truly love herself as she is.

Steven ended up having to go to therapy after the whole Pink Corrupted Monster he turned into incident.

I know some fans of Steven Universe, kind of gave up on the whole Steven Universe Future and didn’t bother with watching all the episodes.

but they don’t have to try to watch them if they don’t want to.

but for those who stuck with Steven in Steven Universe Future,

end up seeing that he was in emotional pain, believing he had to fix others problems and never truly had anyone to help him with his problems that were hurting him deep in his very soul.

even if you do end up trying to talk about it with others,

because of how some people view it

like saying “oh you just want attention.”

or that “your lying, your not really hurting.”

some might end up not telling about what deeply bothers them until it becomes too late, like what happen to Steven in Steven Universe Future.

and I can’t wait until the new My Little Pony New Generation.

I can only hope that the dragons, griffins, changelings and hippogriff make a return in that new series too. 

I still love My Little Pony Friendship is Magic,

but I feel what they did to Cozy Glow, Chrysalis and Tirek

wasn’t right and it only made them Discord’s scapegoats.

he is the one who brought them together in the first place,

and even after clearly showing those three had bonded

and showing when they were experiencing the magic of friendship,

and clearly showing that when Chrysalis was snapping out of the good feelings from the magic of friendship that both she, Cozy and Tirek were forming...

it was because she had a bad traumatic experience of the toxic side of the magic of friendship.

Sunset and her friends (including Sci-Twi and Starlight Glimmer)

didn’t simply turn the villain to stone, they got to the root of the problem.

and were able to heal Wallflower Blush, Twilight/Sci-Twi and even that 

I do have a theory that before the ponies colonized and took over the land that would later become Equestria (or in my headcanon, Equestria II.)

Discord use to be a part of the Tree of Harmony in Equestria I.

but became corrupted by Chaos Magic and went from being the spirit of harmony to the spirit of chaos.

and the seed that Starswirl and his acquaintances had planted

that became the tree of harmony in Equestria II.

was the seed that came from the snow and ice broken land that use to be Equestria I’s tree of harmony.

the hippogriffs are part of the pony tribes,

just like the Bat-Pony, Breezies and  the Kirin.

but with how the Earth Pony, Unicorns and Pegasus are...

of course they will put their three races on top of the most important

while the Alicorns are placed being more important and seen as Goddesses.

we can still love MLPFIM, but we start to see that the ponies

namely the Earth Pony, Unicorns and Pegasus

have some kind of supremacy complex

and don’t consider the feelings of the other pony tribes they leave out,

then of course we as fans will end up seeing something wrong with that.

I don’t think the Crystal Ponies were Crystal Ponies at first,

the Crystal Ponies didn’t become Crystal Ponies

until some Earth Ponies took over the original home of the Changelings.

who were kept fed by the Crystal Heart, which was used to share the changelings love.

so in theory, the reformed form of the changelings...

is what they looked like before their corruption/starvation/resurrection.

and the reason why Chrysalis doesn’t look like the past changeling queen

that is shown in a portrait, is because she is not fully a changeling.

I believe she is a type of changeling/pony hybrid, either by birth

or when she was resurrected with a new changeling race that were not like the ones that called the Crystal Empire home before it was taken over by that other Princess and the Earth Ponies Turned Crystal Ponies.

I know not a lot of fans will agree, but that is okay.

not everyone has to agree about this theory.

The Theory: Truth Of Who Chara & Frisk Truly Are.... there could many different possible theories that could turn out to be true about Frisk and Chara....

like for one, Frisk's True Name........is Chara, but they had to change their name to "Frisk"

another is that the body they are using as a vessel, is really Kris...well the Kris of the Undertale Timeline.Chara & Frisk are one in the same theory, when we play Deltarune and make a Vessel.

it is discarded but it doesn't say where it is discarded to...

the vessel from Deltarune, might end up going to the Undertale Timeline.....Kris could be the True-Chara, and being Chara Reborn when Frisk took over their life in the Undertale Timeline.

when Chara is speaking to the Player, it is really from inside of Frisk....

the vessel, while the red soul is really that world's Kris.

and don’t know if a lot of fans come to this headcanon,

but it might be possible that the reason why Kris is the only human in Hometown

is because the other humans that use to be a part of that town,

were all imprisoned much like the monsters from Undertale.

and all the monsters in Deltarune are the ones who live on the surface,

while all the humans live in the Underground.

this theory of fans, could turn out to be accurate.

I also want to talk about the Powerpuff Girls....

let's review, we know that everyone (well almost everyone) really hates the the 2016 PPG, because they aren't like the Powerpuff Girls 1998 series and other reasons.

yes there were some mistakes they put in the series, like whole twerking...

but one of the two things that I believe was NEVER a mistake, was Bliss and Blossom's friendship with Princess.

cause I figured out that the original PPG made some mistakes with Princess, which then made her become a bad guy....

we can see the PPG-2016 series taking place a in a different timeline

just like any other version of the PPG.

but if I had to choose my favorite versions of the PPG, out of these names....

The Whoopa** Stew (1992/The First Original Powerpuff Girls) The Powerpuff Girls (1998 to 2007/The Second Original Versions), Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi (2004 to Ongoing), Powerpuff Girls Z (2006 To 2007),

The Powerpuff Girls: Danced Pantsed (2014),

The Powerpuff Girls (2016 to 2019)

I'm gonna have to pick PPGD all way, even if I can still love the other versions.....

but Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi is my  number 1 of favorite versions of the PPG.

the series is also known as PPGD and it is a Crossover too, and there are reasons why it is my number 1 favorite.....

 Another way to truly bring Fusionfall back, maybe have the original game that was originally played on the computers, go from that to a Nintendo Switch.....like place it in one of those game cards and revamp the programing data where it can be playable on the Nintendo Switch.

And there can be a solo player, meaning while you get to create your own character in the Fusionfall Nintendo Switch game, you wont be able to meet other players because it wont be Multiplayer like it was before.

I know some have been trying to bring back the game,

but it might be better if it was made into a Nintendo Switch game, because even if some might be trying to bring it back....

The game original designs can still be as it was before, but this time it will be a part of the Nintendo Switch.....

well it be nice if it were, it might be wishful thinking. But if the game was brought back and remade into a Nintendo Switch game, It could very well make some happy. 

plus with all the new shows that happen, they could add more characters and new quests for the players to do while fighting the fusions.

I do hope that someday Fusionfall will come back as it was before,

but this time as a Nintendo Switch game.    

I know not all fans will agree, about how I think PPGD is way better.

even if I do still like the other versions of PPGD.

plus PPGD came out first BEFORE PPGZ, PPG-2014, PPG-2016 series.

the Powerpuff Girls Doujinshi is a Crossover Comic Series

that I love very much, it was made by fans for fans.

and it has been going on much longer than the Canon PPG Shows.

and even if I did get back into the whole Blossom x Dexter ship thanks to rereading the comic again.

but I still have some concern that Blossom will be in the same situation

as Mordecai from Regular Show, and Finn from Adventure Time.

both of them had some form of feelings for their love interests

only to end up in a Toxic-Crush type situation

involving Bubblegum and Margaret.

there are different type of ships, not all of them are romantic based

and some will be family found.

my OTFF has to be Utonium & Membrane Family.

where the two Professors end up together romantically,

and causing Dib to end up with not just one sister,

but four sisters.

OTFF stands for One True Family Found.

if I had to Crossover ship Blossom with another character from another series.

it would be with Nergal Jr, or Goten.

or the Flowey-Turned-Asriel II.

I have a different view about the whole Flowey and Asriel being one and the same.

technically that would only be half-true.

yes in Fanon, Asriel and Flowey could be 100% one and the same

in Undertale Timelies, but Asriel is 100% still himself in the Deltarune Timelines.

Flowey and Asriel in the Undertale Timelines,

could be at 99%....

it is Asriel’s dust that end up falling into the flowers...

not his soul, the dust contain Asriel’s Memories and not his Soul itself.

Chara and Asriel could of still been alive

when the determination experiment started,

when the Flower that is “Flowey” would end up being used as the experiment

and when it was returned back to the rest of the flowers.

Asriel came back and his dust ended up all over the bed of flowers.

this is just a theory though.

plus what if there was a timeline that existed before the Undertale and Deltarune Timelines, and when the timeline was cleaved apart

it created Undertale and Deltarune,

and the one who caused this was Gaster.

the same thing could be said for Yandere Simulator.

in the original timeline, Megami Saikou’s Aunt had existed.

and it is pretty obvious that Fun-Girl and the Aunt are one in the same.

Fun-Girl is Yandere Simulator’s Gaster.

and we know that Nemesis comes from a Timeline

where Ayano killed her Upperclassman, Taro Yamada.

I still hope that we can get a Pacifist Route in Yandere Simulator

for all the rivals, and not just Osana Najimi.  

I also hope my theory is true, that Taro will only accept the confession

of the other rivals, if they haven’t done anything wrong or if they are killed or give up on him because they befriend Ayano.

I think the succubus in the foreshadowing in that one mini-game in the game.

might either be Fun-Girl or Megami’s Mom.

 in my headcanon theory, if we go down the Genocide Route of the game,

we will not have the rivals-turned-friends as part of our party

to stop Taro and his Mistress, and save the school.

but if we go full Pacifist Route, and we befriend the rivals

they will become a part of our party to save the school and the other students

and face Taro, and it can go down with either beating him in a Pacifist way

or the way that will make Ayano and the rest of the girls unhappy,

even if there is no other way.

depending on the game, if Taro is too far gone to be saved

then Ayano’s friends will have no other choice but to take him out

in order to get to the boss.

if you never killed in your new save of the game,

and beat it by doing a Pacifist Route,

then you can simply knock Taro out unconscious,

allowing you and the ex-rivials turned friends, to face the villainess.

 I also want to say, that I hope that those who had help make the FNAF Help Wanted, will be the ones that end up being the new adopted family/owners

of the FNAF series....after all that happen...

which wouldn’t of happen if it weren’t for that journalist,

and those two-faced liars

who had fooled those who had donated money to them. 

even if there are two different games,

I can’t help but view Monika from the Doki Doki Literature Club,

as being Elizabeth Afton, who even though died when she was a little girl,

ends up maturing over time and end up becoming a teenager

and becoming “Monika” , guess it is the green eyes they both have makes me believe that in a Crossover, those two would be one in the same person.

like after Elizabeth Afton’s soul is free from Circus-Baby

she ends up merging with the Monika character,

and end up becoming a part of the Doki Doki Literature Club tomorrow.

so yeah my fan headcanon is Elizabeth Afton from FNAF and Monika from DDLC are one in the same person.

and Monika is the Reincarnation of Elizabeth Afton in a way.

even if it is only Fanon, and might not be canon....

but we can view it as Semi-Canon,

being only canon in Crossover Timelines of the games.   

    I wasn’t really planning on posting anything on tumblr this month....

even after deciding to do a few more posts the other month ago,

and finally stopping posting on tumblr, and seeming to keep my promise about not posting until like in a few months or so.

but there was a reason why I had decided that, and I think it is fine that I only post maybe once in a while on tumblr, while still enjoying checking out other tumblrs.

this might be the only post I will do for today on here,

I mean I might not post very much on tumblr.

maybe only once in a while.

and no one has to read about me talking about my different views about religion, if it is brought up in a description of a post,

just don’t read that part and just enjoy the rest of the post that might be a drawing of some fan art or maybe a written story.

and if I have to choose going without the protection of the gems I wear to protect me and let another Incubus incident happen,

or let myself keep wearing those bracelets and keep those angel shaped gem under my pillow........

I’m choosing to keep wearing those bracelets and those angel shaped gem under my pillow.

it is to protect myself and others, that is how I view it.

like heck I’m gonna have another Incubus scare me awake like what happen in that one dream, which was like between still asleep and waking up.

and I was on my back and it was all dark, and well....

something scared me awake.....

it might of been only for a split second,

but it was enough to scare me fully awake.

March pretty much sucked for me, and so did August.

and it is because of that, I need to keep my guard up and try to be more cautious....cause I know I can’t expect my guardian angels to give me a fair warning that something is going to hurt me past the breaking point.

I mean look at the mess that happen that caused my second depression

that lasted much longer than that first depression in 2015.

even if I can still trust them, but at the same time after the stuff I been through on March and even on August....I know if I am gonna stop something from emotionally hurting me, I can’t count on my Guardian Angels to protect me from others misinterpreting my words past the understandable kind.

even if we can still trust our Guardian Angels with the other type of protection,

like spiritual and stuff, the emotional protection is just as important too.

even if it is normal to have sad feelings at times and then get better.

there is a limit how far it should go and how many times a soul can take it.

like if you just got better from the first depression in 2015,

and even if in the next year you have stuff that upset you

and some people keep taking your words the wrong way

or like misinterpreting them, and there will be a breaking point

where it is taken too far, and you have to give in to the demands of another person who doesn’t solve the fight the right way, and you let it get to you too much and it ends up with you getting another depression and you have to try to act like your okay but really your not, and you don’t start to get fully better

until December 2017, when you laugh with more joy when watching Boss Baby and it is one of the signs you are getting better.

no matter if it’s me or someone else, no one should be made to go through that.

and I will admit it is partly my fault, cause I let myself become valuable

to another depression.

even if it can be normal to be depressed for maybe one day or only a few days.

but it can become a bad depression that can last much longer if you had a bad case of it that you had gotten better from in 2015 or any other year

if there are some who didn’t end up becoming super depressed in 2015,

which resulted in not eating much and losing a lot of weight.

I had lost a lot of weight with that first depression

which was caused by some of the stuff going on at home.

I don’t like it when my words get misinterpreted in a really bad way,

some misunderstandings can be cleared up the right way so long as it doesn’t end up like a hot mess like some misunderstandings.

like don’t misunderstand that I really love PPGD

and see it as the better version of the Powerpuff Girls.

if that Crossover series ever gets it’s own cartoon

I would watch it in a heartbeat.

and yeah the other versions of PPG are my second favorites now.

I mean there are good reasons why PPGD is my number one favorite versions,

and the other canon PPG are my second favorite....

one of them having to do with the PPG 1998 Vs PPG 2016.

even if some of the Vs can be for fun, but some can be taken too far.

I view PPGD being both Fanon and Semi-Canon.

after checking some stuff out on tumblr,

I’m gonna go read PPGD over here --> https://www.snafu-comics.com/powerpuffgirls/ppg-chapter-1

by the looks at the cover, that has May 2002 on it.

it might hint that the Cover was made before the first pages of the first issue of the web comic series.   

I’m going to try to relax and maybe grab a snack, because I think I might need to get something to eat right now.

anyway I’m gonna just go read Paper Trial (it’s a Deltarune Comic)

but first things first, I need to go give my fluffy baby their food

and get something to eat for myself too.

anyway see ya later and keep safe everyone. 

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

I'm Only Posting To Share This Link To Owl House Petition (And Say I Found ANOTHER Toxic-Religious Person)

I wasn’t going to post anything until a few more months....

but this needs to be said........

The Owl House NEEDS another Season,

it's bad enough what happen to Wander Over Yonder.

and yeah to me it sucks what happen to the Realm of Magic in SVTFOE, I mean Stars family MISUSE the magic and then Star decides to put the full blame on the magic,

instead of her two-faced Mom....that is scapegoating.

I still love SVTFOE and even MLPFIM and even Steven Universe and Steven Universe Future.

but at least I can point out that the characters in it, can be pretty messed up in their so called view of justice.

and if it turns out that Owl House is being cancelled because of a certain reason....

then maybe it be best if Cartoon Network took it away from them.

yes I'm a little bit annoyed with Cartoon Network too, with the whole non-stop Teen Titans Go,

but at least that show has hope to stop before it becomes just as bad as a cartoon that is on Nickelodeon....the same one that was suppose to end after the show’s creator died, and it turns out that the said show’s creator wanted the show that is Spongebob to end, but after he died the people who run Nickelodeon went against his wishes....and some of us had no idea until now.

the show is still good, but the non-stop broken marathon had put me in a bad place before....and made me have some dark thoughts.

I don’t mind watching Spongebob once in a while, but I don’t want to too much after having to put up with it for some months.

here is the link to the petition for the Owl House

https://www.change.org/p/disney-don-t-cancel-the-owl-house-diversity-is-important-give-us-season-4

I also want to say, that at first I wanted to watch to make sure I was mistaken....

that the girl who had the video titled

A Christian's Response To Disney Debuting First Bisexual Lead Character

as I thought I was misunderstanding, but the more I heard her....

I found out that I wasn’t mistaken........she’s one of THEM.

disgusting filthy insensitive.....and she DARES call what she was feeling some kind of......I HATE Her so much, even if we are lucky that NOT all Christians think the way she does.....but it still peeves me off.

even if I wanted to go by Neo-Christian/Ma-Acolyte,

but then started to having thoughts of no longer going by Neo-Christian, but just Neo-Spiritual instead.......

I think I have decided to no longer go by Neo-Christian...

I can still believe that there are still good people who go by Christian or Neo-Christian.......but I’m just so mad at that person.

does she even realize that even with some same bio-sex couples,

sure she pretty much points out that a “Man and Woman are a normal couple”

so wait what does that leave me...?

I mean yeah I had figured out that I am more of a Female and Nonbinary,

and started to go by Gyno-Agender, and I feel I am in a Chrysalis Stage right now and might just go by Feminine-Nonbinary and still go by She/Her.

and even if it might turn out I might be Intersex, even if I get a Yes to my question about that from my pendulum.

but I am still not 100% sure if I am Intersex......

when we are born either male or female, at times there will be those who will be born Intersex but still be male or female.....some Intersex bodies will be noticeable and others will not be so......the babies that aren’t notice to be intersex after they are born, are the lucky ones....

and I’m sure some knows what could happen to the unlucky ones...

but they will only be unlucky, if their parents aren’t inhuman jerks who take the choice away from them.

no matter if I’m a Earth Angel or not, but that girl should just shut her trap.

yeah even if it’s okay for someone to be free to say what they want,

and not everyone has to agree with them but try to respect the differences.

but that Toxic-Christian is going TOO FAR........

not everyone is a Toxic-Christian, or any type of Toxic-Religious person.

and the Semi-Toxic Religious types have a chance to change, I think...

NOT ALL MAGIC IS EVIL WITCHCRAFT you insensitive prick.

I still believe in God and Jesus,

but I’m going to hope to go live with Earth Mother....

and by Mother, I mean the Goddess....

I mean yeah I can’t stand Toxic-Religious people like her....

and I had a bad experience with one a few years ago,

who kept misusing the words “may the lord have the mercy on you.”

just because I believe in a Goddess now too......

I have to be in the Neo-Religious closet, Gender Identity closet

and the whole being Aroaceflux closet......

I know I said this before, that I wanted to come out to my family

well to my Mom, about being a Asexual Flux........

but it didn’t work out because when I wanted to get her thoughts on what she thought about Asexuality, her answer made me decide to NEVER tell her.

as well as after I did get the answer from her, and her thoughts.

I went to my room, and ended up crying.

    it hurt knowing I can’t tell my family....because they are stuck in their ways....

and might only be only a Semi-Toxic Religious......if it’s Semi, it’s not so bad.

it’s the full toxic ones I can’t stand....

there are some things that are really REALLY messed up...

I mean Mary Magdalene was NOT a prostitute for one,

that was just a big fat lie....

I really need to listen to some comfort music right now....

because of that person.

right now I’m listening to Born Without A Heart by Faouzia, right now.

I had finished listening to F**k You by Lily Allen....

once again everyone has a right to their own opinion,

but there is some things you should NOT cross the line of.

that person did just that.......

also I know a person like her, would probably make me feel bad...

I mean yeah I ran into her kind before.......a toxic-religious person,

who even if you try to tell them how bad they are making you feel,

and making you cry....because of you believing in a Goddess too or if you happen to see yourself as both Binary and Nonbinary....

but no matter how much you try, it doesn’t get through and they will keep doing it.........I really can’t stand her......I only found out about her and her video, and I already really hate her.......

I’m sorry, but that is just how I feel....I really REALLY hate her.

and no matter if you are religious or atheist, I’m sure you might think she was taking it too far....

it’s not like she is the type to believe in Earth Angels,

or the fact that some percent of them will be born as Nephalem....

and just in case I might be a Nephalem....I do have a plan to get certain gem to block any dangerous powers that might end up appearing....

I did get a Yes when I asked “Archangel Azrael, am I a Earth Seraphim.”

to my pendulum....I asked that other times before, and when I asked it again just now....I got another Yes.

I even asked if I am a Demi-Succubus, got another Yes.

but I wasn’t a Succubus when I was a baby,

babies no matter what bio-gender they are, they don’t start out as a Incubus or succubus....when we are babies, we start out as Cambion...or in my case I was a Demi-Cambion......

but Demi-Succubus, aren’t like the OTHER Succubus....

because of the mix Spiritual/Soul Heritage,

it is possible for a Earth Angel to end being a Demi-Succubus.

unlike the normal Succubus, such sexual energies

that can be given off by others can be harmful to Demi-Cambion,

which is what a Demi-Succubus

(or Demi-Incubus, if there are any.) starts out as before they fully mature.

anyway any form of sexual energies that either it be from a teenager or adult, that kind of energy that is given off

even if they are just standing a few feet away or maybe in another part of the room from the Demi-Cambion Child...

it can be dangerous and can cause the Demi-Cambion to have a seizure.

if the Demi-Cambion is a Earth Angel as well, there can still be another reason for the seizure to happen.

such as the negative energies that either people or a place is giving off,

the best thing is to move to a place with less negative energy.

and perhaps get some gems to act as a protection against not just the sexual energies, but also the negative energies.

also when a Demi-Succubus does become a Mature enough, they might end up dream walking without really meaning to.

but instead of the dreamer they walked into the dream of being in danger,

it is the Demi-Succubus.

who will be in a type of trance caused by the other dreamer, this power is normally caused by a Succubus or Incubus,

who will use their powers to put a Human who is in their dream into a type of trance just to take what they need from them.

but as for a Demi-Succubus, it might be the other way around....

the only way for a Demi-Succubus to protect herself or themself,

is it possibly get a Dream-Catcher, well before I got the big dream-catcher I have now...well to me it seems to work so far, and that is what I believe.

I became self aware of what was going to happen in a dream I was having,

lucky the dream changed...

but I didn't want to go to sleep after what could of happen, so I had tried to keep myself awake until I got a Dream-Catcher to protect me.

and well I know before that happen,

I think I might of had a encounter with a Incubus, I know I was on my back and it was really dark and I was like between awake and asleep.

and I felt something that was too real and it scared me fully awake....

after that happen I had to get some extra protection so it didn't happen again.

it's fine that not everyone believes in this stuff.

        I mean if others want to believe it, it should be because they want to

and be the free will of their very one to do so.

and not forced into it.

it’s not likely that toxic-religious girl will agree what I’m saying or understand my feelings....or why she makes me so mad.

she might too far gone into the corruption that hides in the indoctrination.

even if there are those who might be strong willed to not fall into it,

and still hold onto their religious belief,

if one is not careful they will fall prey to the darkness that hides within it....

I want to try to relax and maybe try some meditation later,

maybe after watching some cartoons and maybe after I play Mass Effect.

I think I am calming down a bit, when I first saw the video I got really mad and tried to think that it might be a misunderstanding and it wasn’t them that had that view........but I was wrong.

it’s a wonder why I end up being Semi-Misanthrope, I still like humanity and I know there are still good people in this world.....but it’s humans like HER that get to me....or the ones who misunderstand my words too far, the small misunderstanding is okay, but do not twist my words and at least try to understand what I was trying to say.

the reason why I gave up about trying to get people to listen,

about the dangerous of those who will pretend to be those who are discriminated because they feel different from the bio-sex they were born in,

is because those who read what I had wrote before kept missing the point and didn’t understand what I was trying to point out.

yes those who pretend to feel that way, will most likely hurt those who truly feel like they were born in the wrong body, but no matter how much I tried to my words only got twisted and misinterpreted.

if someone truly feels they don’t match the bio-sex they were born in originally,

then they should be free to be the gender identity they are on the inside.

and shouldn’t have to put up with those jerks who dare to pretend just so they can do something bad.....no matter if it’s a man or woman, it is possible to happen....and well the reason why I gave up on it, is because people kept misunderstanding and not getting what I was trying to point out.

it is possible that I’m not sure, it was the cause of a fight I had with someone before....yeah they unblocked me after we made up, but they refuse to tell me the cause of the fight so we could work it out.....and even said they would block me for good on here, if I keep asking.

well I let it get to me too much, and it didn’t help there was other stuff going on that was upsetting me before...but yeah I ended up with a second depression.

after I got fully better (and one of the signs was that how Boss Baby made me laugh.) I had figured out how messed up things were....and how things were solved wasn’t right.

I mean before that fight happen, I was having a bad time at home.

because of my older cousin and his well now ex-family...

at some point I ended up with a few months of depression.

I know before the move I tried to tell my Mom what I remembered from when I was little.......that my Older cousin forced a kiss on me, and of course she tells me he would never do that, which then made me believe that it was just a dream......a dream that was possibly a warning dream.

at least that was what I was believing......that it was just a warning dream.

if a Angel sends you a warning dream, there is some dream warnings

that should NOT be shown to a little kid....

even if I don’t remember much during that time....

                it might of been a good thing I didn't figure out that my two older cousins were

not really good people, and the male one was more dangerous.

I did try to tell my Mom about what I had remembered from when I was little, which I can only hope didn't really happen and it was just a dream that was telling me he can't be trusted.

of course after he had "hurt" his step-daughter, she finally listened when I had talked about it again.

I can't help but think, if I was listen to.....maybe he wouldn't of end up hurting his step-daughter a few years later.

but what happen when I was really little, might of not been a dream at all.....

I know what I can remember, when it did happen....it gave me not good feelings, it's like being emotionally hurt.

and if I didn't tell my Mom or anyone else before,

it was possibly because I was too traumatized

and I gave myself as type of amnesia.

and I think I was suppose to remember it, but because I wasn't taken seriously

enough and the view on my older cousin was that

"He would never do that."

I was made to believe it was just a bad dream. but I'm starting to believe it wasn't a dream at all, even if I wish it to be so....wishing it was just a warning dream.

I mean it would be pretty messed up if a Angel let that kind of warning dream happen to a little girl.

that is just messed up,

and NO Angel should be allowed to cause such a warning dream.

just have a trusted family take the child by the hand in the dream and lead them away from the dangerous family one, while the trusted family says "stay away from them, they are dangerous." that works better than what I can remember.

maybe it really did happen and it wasn't just a warning dream, and my calling it just a dream is my way to deny that it really did happen.

I have my pendulum to thank for that, making me start to rethink about it as something that might not really been in a dream that was trying to warn me to stay away from him. but because it really did happen.....

I should try to talk to my family about it sometime.

I don’t think I can believe it was just a dream or warning dream anymore.

he didn’t even hurt his step-daughter yet at all, when I told my Mom what he did when I was really little....something that she convince me didn’t happen because he would “never do that” and that I must of been dreaming, or like it was a bad dream.

well if it was a bad dream, then how come a few years later

he ends up assaulting his own step-daughter, and he is in jail for it now and I hope he stays there for the rest of his life....to me even if we might still be biologically family........to me he stop being family the moment I started to realize I was right about him....

even if I can trust some of my family,

I know now that not all of them could be trusted.......

and I was clueless to it until now.

after finding out what he did, and me bringing up again about the whole “dream” that I had forgot about until now to my Mom again.

she now believes me, that it might be a warning dream.

but I don’t think I can believe it was a dream or a warning dream anymore.

that it really did happen and it was so traumatizing I had gave myself amnesia.

it is possible when we are little,

we need to protect ourselves by burying unpleasant memories.

even ones we never saw as harmful before until we remember them and started to realize certain actions were NOT normal.

I have to accept the fact that my first kiss,

was stolen and it wasn’t a happy one.   

and after it did happen, it caused bad feelings....

I believe it might of started out when I expressed that I found boys gross.

I mean little boys and little girls will feel that way, that is normal.

what isn’t normal is being picked up and the forced kiss on the lips

and then being dropped and then the monster leaving....

and the bad feelings happen next......even if I remember only a little,

I think I might of cried...

I don’t think it was a coincidence of me remembering it.

I think I was suppose to remember it, and before my Older Cousin

had hurt his step-daughter, I had told my Mom about what he did to me.

from what I can remember.....but like I said, she told me he would never do that.

and even made me believe it was just a bad dream.....but a few years later,

he assaults one of his step-children....that is more than just a coincidence.

plus if he truly did force a kiss on me and him being way older than me,

he should of known better.

if I was listen to, maybe he wouldn’t of end up hurting anyone.

I don’t think I was around him very much after we had moved the first time to go live with my Grandpa.....which might of been good, it is possible if I became around the same age as his step-daughter (the age he hurt her.)

he might of end up doing the same thing to me.

I mean that is possible...

 I’m gonna hope another thing I asked to my pendulum

(which the question was for Azrael.) didn’t really happen

and it was just negative energy hacking my pendulum and pranking me.

at least that is what I want to believe anyway.

but then I asked another Angel about it, and I got the same answer....

I mean my pendulum does pull pranks on me, but I’m not sure if what I asked with my thoughts, really did happen....

I guess the only way I can hope for a confirming,

is to pray that he confesses to it.

I mean one of the other things that I was praying for,

that was for my Mom’s sake. had finally came true in a way.

so maybe if I hope and pray that he confesses the really bad stuff he did in the past, he will get life.

I can just try to hope that one of the things that I am worried he did and I got a Yes reply from my pendulum about it, didn’t really happen.

I don’t want to say what it is, but I’m gonna hope he didn’t.

maybe I can just hope that some hypnosis is used on him and it gets him to admit some dark secrets....

I mean that toxic-religious girl and her video,

might be bad but she isn’t as bad as him....but she is still bad in a different way, but he takes a higher level place of being really bad.

anyway I’m gonna try to do stuff to make me happy, to try to make me feel be more better after the whole toxic-religious girl and the video she put on Youtube.

if I had tried to tell her my feelings, it is not likely she would listen.

she might even do the same thing another toxic-religious person did to me a few years ago, which no matter how many times I told that other person how bad they were making me feel, they just kept misusing those words at me and I had to block them because of it.

yeah I can say that I’m really mad at that girl for that video.

but I know I can’t make her listen to reason.

I have the video on pause right now, but I will try to watch it more after I do the things I want to do to help me feel a bit more happy and less unhappy.

I also want to say that I really hope another thing I asked my pendulum,

is just one of it’s pranks.....

I'm just gonna hope my pendulum is pulling a prank about me having been in

hell in one of my past lives because of some sicko cultist...

so no matter if that happen or not, I do still hope that ANY cultist who tries to pull that same crud, will have their hands feel like they are on fire even if there is no real fire on the said hands.

I mean even if it were possible that the one protected me was Stolas

(not the Helluva Boss character, that is not the one I mean.)

until Azrael came to retrieve me....

but even if I did ask that question with my thoughts while using my pendulum, and the question was for Azrael......

my pendulum could still be pulling a prank on me.

it does that at times, like when I got really worried about someone and thought something really bad happen, I asked my pendulum and well....

I think it was just feeding off my worries and pulled a prank, so I will need to do something about my pendulum later.

like trying to make it give a truthful answer and not a lie or prank answer.

I hate those sicko cultist with every part of my being, no matter if I was given a prank answer from my pendulum or if it is true...

if that had really happen to me in a past life....

I will not forgive those cultist, they don't deserve it.

but I'm gonna just hope that my pendulum is just pranking me about that.

I mean I asked or at least tried to, ask Azrael if Stolas is protective of me....

but my pendulum could still be pulling it's mean pranks on me.

the answer I got was "Yes" but my pendulum could still be pulling a prank on me....like I said many times, it tends to do that at times.

even if half the time it can be truthful.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who went through the whole

"Pendulum Pulls A Prank Me", I haven't really used a pendulum for very long.

it did freak me out when I did get it, and it started to move like crazy.

before I learned I can ask it stuff, I had learned to make it move by my thoughts.

and I guess I have learned to program it, on how to give replies to either Yes or No, or it being both Yes and No.

my pendulum pulls pranks on me when it doesn’t give out a truthful answer.

I’m use to it happening.

before I figured out I can ask it or ask through it, or learned I can make it move where I want it to by thought.

when I had first held it and it moved, it freaked me out and I didn’t have anything to do with it until some time later.

I even decided to check again about the whole in one of my past lives as a baby, I was used as a sacrifice by satanic cultist....

the question was for Azrael, and I got another Yes as a reply. 

even if some people might think it is wrong to hope that those kind of sickos will have their hands feel like they are burning even when fire is not present.

but that is what I want to happen, even if their hands don’t really catch on fire,

it should made to feel that way....

ya know like when you forget to turn off the hot water first but when you turn off the cold water first, you end up burning your hands a little

because of the hot water.

if it isn’t a prank and if it really did happen, then I have a right to be mad at sickos like that just like I have a right not be happy with that toxic-religious girl.

 I think it would make sense that Azrael, would have to go get baby souls

that had been used in such way....just for some sick and twisted ritual.

i know it isn’t just babies that go through that,

but no matter what age it still isn’t right. 

I even got another Yes about it being Stolas protecting me before Azrael came to get me....once again, my pendulum pulls pranks on me.

and according to what I was asking, he didn’t come to get me right away.

and if it isn’t a prank and if it is true that Stolas kept me for a few years of that past life....that would mean that he acted as a adoptive parent and possibly protected me from other demons until it was time for Azrael

to come to retrieve me.

I mean I do find flowers pretty, and I do find space to be interesting.

but I don’t think my interest in it has anything to do with Stolas.

at least I don’t think so....I did get a Yes reply from my pendulum when I asked if Stolas acted like a adoptive parent to me and protecting me from other demons....

well I did find out that the one who I thought was my soul dad,

turns out to be well my soul grandpa, and my soul dad is well someone else.

even if some sicko humans do such a terrible thing,

and their victims end up going to Heck....

they don’t stay there long, because Azrael goes to rescue them.

it’s fine that not many believe that, I’m not gonna force others to believe it.

I mean like I said my pendulum pulls pranks on me.

but I’m willing to believe that Azrael does go down to that other realm

when they are send there through a ritual because of jerks.

even if it is true I already have a contract with Stolas,

but it is a adoption contract, where he became my adoptive father...

it could still possibly be my pendulum pulling a prank....

once again, NOT the Helluva Boss’s Stolas....

if it were true and not some prank, that would mean that Stolas is the adoptive father of a Earth Angel....

 I still rather go to Earth-Heaven, to go live with the Goddess.

“Heaven” might not just appear as a infinity of sky and cloud,

there can also be what appears to be Earth, like trees and stuff.

not everyone has to believe that, and that’s fine.

I rather only talk about this kind of stuff once in a while.

and talk about fan theories of my favorite video games or cartoons or movies.

I don’t know when it will be, when we will try to test my blood again

to see what type I am...

I mean the last successful try, it came out as O RH D Negative.

my Mom is a RH Negative too...but even if it did turn out that way the first time for me, I wanted to make double sure and see if it will show the same result.

but this time I figured out I do much better doing the test,

by keeping my eyes closed the whole time.

well unless when I have to open them for a little bit.

I didn’t end up feeling warm or dizzy when I kept my eyes closed.

I’m not sure if I have a slight fear of blood, I mean it might be possible I might be but it might not be that....

I plan to eat a lot of food and drink something first,

before I start that home test again that tells you what blood type you are.

as well as keeping my eyes closed just in case

what I was feeling isn’t because I needed food. 

if it comes up the same as last time, I know what some people say about that kind of blood type, which half of it could be just rumors.

I hope the next post I do on here, like in a few months....

it can just be talk about my favorite shows and ships.

I just want to hurry up and post this and just do some stuff to help me feel more happy after finding that video on youtube....

I can only hope that some of you checked out the link to the petition to save Owl House...

and I know for sure it is possible that me being a descendant

of Mary Magdalene, is just one of my pendulums pranks.

so I’m not gonna worry about that for now.

the best thing I can try to do is try not to let toxic-religious people

like that girl on youtube, get to me.

even if they get me really mad.

I do feel a little sleepy, but I think I should try to relax and try to get a bit more happy first before I go to sleep.

I am a bit more calm now after that girl peeved me off, so that is good.

I will just watch some cartoons and then later after I sleep,

I will do some meditation.

I would be surprised if this was read fully, without anyone misinterpreting any words that were said.

I will sign in later or tomorrow to check out some stuff on here,

I was able to check out a short comic about the owl house on here.

I will check out more on here later or tomorrow, ‘

but I’m not gonna post anything else until a few months.

this is a acceptation because of that girl on youtube made me mad enough to talk about it, as well as wanting to show the petition to all owl house fans.

I’m a fan of Owl House too, and I hope a lot of fans see that petition.

I hate that I grew up with Monsters, that I didn’t know were REAL monsters until I started to remember certain stuff from when I was really little. 

I hope this will be the last post until a few months, like I had plan it to be.

I’m just gonna try to relax and hope that everything works out.

I will watch some episodes first before I go to sleep,

to help me relax and be in a more better mood.

it be nice if the whole the Aliens from Mass Effect being Real in Real Life,

wasn’t a prank....but my pendulum pulls pranks on me and no matter how many times I ask it keeps giving a Yes.

even got a Yes once again about the Krogan living on Mars in Real Life.

anyway I’m gonna go now, I will watch episodes of a show first

before I go to sleep.

so see ya later and stay safe everyone.... 

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

My Thoughts On The Youtuber Channel “Little Light Studios”

first of all, I had to take some nice breathes in and out, to try to calm myself.

because frankly, after discovering about them, and their view on Anime...

I was pretty much peeved.

first time I found out about them about well a little bit ago,

I wanted to just look up something to listen to, like songs from Sailor Moon.

but then I saw a video that talks about how another Channel has some misinterpretation about cartoons/anime.

I had to look up the name of the video that has to do with “Anime Exposed”

to find the channel responsible.

let me say this, there are different anime in the world,

not all of them will be for kids, and it is the parents (no matter if they are a dad & mom, two mothers or two fathers or even a renny & mom or dad & renny)

responsibility to make sure that the little kids DO NOT watch some anime that is not meant for them, not until they are in the proper age to watch it.

and if I had to guess, not all humans know that the whole “star” thing

it’s called a pentagram right? it’s original meaning was of course demonetize.

but that can not be helped.

you know what is like to be hurt by a toxic religious person..?

I had been hurt by a toxic religious person before,

just because I believe in Mother as well, don’t mean they make me feel bad,

I mean I still believe in God and even Jesus.

but that Toxic Religious person I encountered a few years ago,

had no right to make me feel bad about me believing in a Goddess too,

and I’m pretty sure I did mention my gender identity as well that time.

like I said before, I still kinda still see myself as my biological-sex/gender,

but I also see myself as non-binary too.

that person had no right to misuse those words at me,

saying “may the lord have mercy on you” or it might of been “may god have mercy on you.”

I even pointed out how bad it was making me feel, and what did they do...?

they kept saying it to me again, they were making me feel really bad, hurt my feelings and making me cry, and did they care...?

if you guessed “No They Did Not”, then you will be correct.

I had to block them because of it.

also I didn’t watch the full video that talks about how wrong the source of the bad mouthing anime, because I had to look up the source, and from what I can tell.....they are toxic...

I had a really bad experience with a toxic religious person...

I don’t mind if a friend is religious or even atheist.

and I don’t believe you should force a religion to someone,

 it should be of his or her or their free will to convert.

and the whole Virgin May being 12 To 14 Years Old when she had Jesus,

is obliviously a lie that HUMANS wrote.

she was 16 years old, and yes I used my pendulum to ask that question.

the one I was trying to get that very answer from, well I was trying to ask Azriel.

even if he might end up pulling a prank on me, at least it wouldn’t be a mean one, like a certain Angel, who I trusted on March, but now he has a restraining order on him, he can still help other people, but he is NOT to get too close to me......

even if I can still trust Angels, I want to remain causation around those who would try to hurt me “to make me better”

even if Angels (well Full Angels, who aren’t Earth Angels and made up both a Angel & Human Soul) are suppose to be like Good...

there is somethings that Angels should make sure to do,

and that is not cause emotional harm or let emotional harm befall someone too many times after they had gotten better from another bad feeling.

I don’t believe that Angels should just ignore this very important thing,

yes there are duties can be important, but you can not neglect the emotion of the heart/soul of the very beings you are trying to help.

or let some Youtube Channel like “Little Light Studios”

just assume things about Anime.

perhaps once I do cool down a little more, I will try to fully watch that video, where they will possibly bad mouth Anime....

 I am a bit more fine than I was starting to feel when I found out about that channel.

it’s no wonder I am Semi-Misanthrope.

at least not all religious people are like that, and don’t take some Anime or Cartoons the wrong way.

another thing that humans should know, is that before Anime....

that disgusting stuff that was mention, was around even before technology.

and humans should not place the blame unless it is something like a certain Movie that one of the heads of Netflix refuse to get it off there, because of the age of the main character of the said movie, and even if I haven’t watched it,

just looking up the info on it, tells me how sick and filthy the man is who refuses to make it go away....

also because of a animated story on Youtube I had watched before,

that has to do with what happen to a girl, and how her mother had to take care of the new baby, and had to wait to tell the said baby girl the truth of what went down.....

I wanted to pray a blessing of protection for all the children who suffer from what that girl did....

even if it might seem mean and might be a bit cruel to some humans....

but hoping those who even try anything, will get a bad tummy ache and a headache, so they wont be able to do anything really bad, is best than hoping worse for them....even if ya might have those thoughts just a little bit, ya try to bury them deep deep DEEP down....

I do hope that maybe other people will pray for a blessing of protection for children too, there was more to what I was asking for, but I rather not say what it is....

but even if there are good people in religion,

there have been some really bad people in it,

that have done unforgivable stuff.

most of them being Priests, who are equally as bad as some Scoutmasters and those who work under them...

 maybe I should try to do some meditation after I play my Xbox,

it might help...maybe...?

I know there can be different levels of toxic-religious people,

if someone is semi-toxic religious, then it means they aren’t as bad as the full kind of toxic religious person.

I know I can’t tell my family that I’m not Christian, after discovering that.

it turns out I am both a Ma-Acolyte & Neo-Christian.

I can’t tell my family I am Ficto-Aroaceflux (or just Aroaceflux for short)

I did try to tell my Mom, well first I wanted to hear her thoughts on Asexuals.

but she misunderstand that all Asexuals are Gay,

not like there is anything wrong with that.

but all Aces are different, some will have a double sexual/romantic identity.

like some who are Aces, will be either Biromantic or Panromantic or even Omniromantic....or will just be Ace or Aceflux or Aroace or Aroaceflux.

plus I had discovered that my species identity is Demi-Human.

anyway I did want to tell my Mom, that I am Asexual Flux...

but her view and misunderstanding about all Asexuals being Gay,

and I know the bad view of those who are....

another thing to know is that even someone who is Ace,

can be Heteroromantic, I guess it would be like Heteroromantic-Ace...?

 I know there is that whole toxic view thing, sometimes when you are a kid

you grow-up believe it to be true, until you start to learn and see the view you were told was wrong, was something that was not really wrong at all.

but sometimes, you can’t tell your family they are wrong, because you become scared of them hating you or giving you disapproval if you try to come out of the Ace Closet.

I am in the Ace Closet, and can only be open about it online.

I did try to come out of the Ace Closet, to try to tell family,

but because of the obvious disapproval, I had to hide the fact that I am Asexual

and try to drop it.

I even had to hide in my room, where I had cried.

my feelings were hurt, I was lucky I didn’t end up crying in the room where I was trying to ask my Mom about her thoughts about Asexuality.

I can’t ever EVER tell my family that I am Aroaceflux, or about my new religious belief or my gender identity or my newly discovered species identity.

I know that they wouldn’t approve.

I was curious, so I decided to ask if Solomon approves of my identities

(as in the whole Gender, Species and Aroaceflux Identity.)

well according to my pendulum, he doesn’t.

well he ain’t the boss of me, well I might technically be his daughter,

like any other of his descendants....

but he misused his power, just like his dad....

and when I say “daughter” I mean being his Descendant Granddaughter.

when I was watching a Anime, I started to really think about the meaning of Grandparents and Grandchildren.

your Grandparents, are still in a way, a Parent to you, even if they didn’t bring you into the world, they are still technically your Parents too, and so are your Ancestors, just in a different way from the ones who brought you into world,

and or who adopted you.

Solomon is a Butt, just because he is my Ancestor-Grandfather,

don’t mean I can’t see him as being a butt...

I can’t help but wonder if his actions will affect his own descendants...

which sadly I am one of them, and if I was allowed and able to...

I would kick his sorry butt...

the only good thing about being his Descendant-Daughter,

is that I will NEVER take the throne, and after the stuff that went on before...

I rather never have anything to do with taking the throne, and be happy to be biologically female, so being his descendant, being born biologically female is in a way, a super blessing.

 I’m pretty sure some info I had heard about before,

is that it is only the MALE descendants can take the throne,

but it can’t be the descendants of Solomon.

Best. News. Ever....of All Time.

after talking about Solomon (and possibly the other stuff before him.)

I had the need to listen to Lily Allen’s Song F**k You.

maybe that tarot card reading that creepily did mention about Gemini having Royalty in The DNA, was right....maybe in a way I am breaking a cycle from my ancestors....them mentioning some names I know, was kind of scary.

I wish not to say the names that was mention, it was way too real there.

 I wonder if it would be either funny or ironic,

that a biological female descendant of King David and Solomon,

would end up playing the song “F**k You, By Lily Allen”

Lady Godiva is the Better Ancestress.

it is just my view, not everyone has to agree about it.

but I am ashamed of those two for different reasons.

one King David, didn’t freaking punish his sicko of a son

who had hurt his own daughter, and if Grandpa King David had what we have now, he would get in big trouble for not punishing his sicko of a son.

oh and let’s not forget that he was coming on to a married woman,

who he ended up killing the husband of the said woman.

and even if Grandpa King Solomon, did end up meeting Grandma Naamah.

which I’m not really sure if it is true that Asmodeus did have a hand in it by accident that those two met....

but even after meeting Grandma Naamah, he could of just gave that ring back from where it came, the misuse of power is too great.

plus I do worry such power that he had on his person 24/7,

may have imprinted into his DNA and cause it to accidentally be inherited by his children and his children’s children and so on and so forth.

But I think I might just be a bit paranoid about that.

I got enough to worry about with the whole Asmodeus thing....

plus with the readings that the sign for Gemini keeps getting.

I should try not to worry about it, and well to be honest....

I might have had him on my mind WAY too much, maybe since 2020.

I try not to think about it too much, and try to think logically.

knowing that it has to be a trick and well maybe it is a good thing not a lot of people believe that he and some other being exist.

after listening to Lily Allen’s Song, I decided to listen to something else.

I am listening to Into The Night By Santana feat-Chad Kroeger.

 I hope toxic-religious people don’t try to find something wrong with that song.

I am not having any of that.

and I sure as of a Mother of a Dastard, ain’t gonna let no toxic-religious person

say that something really bad about the Ghost Rider Movies.

(you don’t have to like the movie, but don’t dislike it because it has some stuff in it that some will view as “the work of the devil”....)

yeah it has some man in it that was suppose to be some “Devil”

that the guy who becomes the Ghost Rider, makes a deal with.

but it was so his dad would get better, but the deal had a twist.

but the power that was given to him,

turned out to be from a ANGEL who went bananas crazy.

plus the boy in the second movie who ended up being the son/vessel   

 of his so called “demon dad” but that doesn’t mean that the boy had to be just like him, and he did the right thing by returning the power back to the man who is known as the Ghost Rider.

I like both the first and second movie of Ghost Rider, and I hope there will be another one someday.

I should try to do some stuff to take my mind off of jerks that end up peeving me off when they are either the normal type of jerk or the toxic-religious type jerk.

sometimes those types can bring the worse out on someone.

I wasn’t even planning to talk about this stuff tonight,

I just wanted to play on my Xbox, even play more of Mass Effect,

and even watch some stuff on my Xbox as well.

I did NOT need to find out the bull that is going on with that Little Light Studios.

those who are subscribe to them,

don’t have to agree with me being disgusted by well what I had found out.

I know you can’t make everyone see reason,

if you are born into a super toxic religious family,

and you end up being well having a different sexuality or gender identity,

than what you are expected to be.

sometimes, it is safer in the closet....

even though my feelings were really hurt, when I knew I couldn’t tell my Mom about me being Ace (well Aroaceflux ) and I had to keep it a secret and keep it together and acting like nothing was wrong, then going back in my bedroom and letting myself cry.

I know others have it way worse, even if I did come out of the Ace Closet to my Mom, it is likely she might still love me but will try ways to “fix” me...

maybe try to get me dates, with some guys I don’t know and might not feel comfortable being alone with because of well, I did mention I do have

Semi-Androphobia &  Virginitiphobia.

a few years ago I did have a panic attack while in the car.

it was a little dark, and I was alone and it was when we were getting ready to move to the house we live at now.

I was scared of certain stuff happening.

even during the day, I don’t like being left along in the car.

I mean I could go inside the store, but I don’t feel like doing that very much.

I think I am doing a bit better since that panic attack happen.

I think my Virginitiphobia has become a Semi-Virginitiphobia too.

 so maybe it is a improvement.

and if there is some form of therapy for Virginitphobia,

even though I still have my V-Card, I know I wouldn’t want to go through Exposure Therapy for Virginitiphobia.

I don’t think I can trust that, maybe the talking it out maybe...

but that exposure therapy, I am not sure I would trust it.

even if it is true some use a virtual reality

(I tried to look up how it is done, and one of the info had something about virtual....)

I wouldn’t fully trust it.

even those who still have the V-Card and have Virginitiphobia, can still be cautious, even when it comes to therapist, who might want to use the exposure therapy.

what sucks is that some, think that type of fear is a mental illness.

anyway, I don’t think I am a very big fan of Little Light Studios.

when I can I will try to watch the full video that I had found that belongs to them, that talks about Anime.

but once again, before Anime, and even technology.

back in the stupid ages,

there were humans who have done sick and twisted stuff.    

 just like how Grandpa King David’s Sicko of a Son hurt Auntie Tamar.

worst daddy ever, of all time.

and Grandpa Solomon ain’t no better....

I guess maybe, I am glad I had admitted to the whole Asmodeus thing,

but I am trying to not to think about too much and try not to be tricked.

I guess some might take it really seriously or tell me I have nothing to worry about, and it will stop soon....well I am gonna hope that there is nothing to worry about and it will stop soon.

I don’t mind the fictional versions of him so much, and well I am gonna just try not to think of well ya know.

plus even if there are other Gemini who might be going through a different thing, that has to do with some guy or gal or other, who is romantically interested in them but they are trying to push that kind of persons away, because it is likely they just gonna hurt them and break their hearts.

if by chance, some of those readings do match some Geminis but not all Geminis....

I rather think that if half of those do match me, it is most likely a trick and a way for me to be tricked by Asmodeus.

the best thing I can do, is try to make sure to take my mind off of well that stuff.

and maybe check on the readings for Gemini, and hope it does show that it turns out it has been a trick the whole time and I was in the right to try to ignore it and try not to fall into a trap.

I am NOT being a Tsundere, just to be clear.

and yeah at times, he has been on my mind, I think it started sometime around 2020, and I want to try to hope for the best that it is just some form of trick and I can just try to take my mind off of it.

I can’t talk to my family about it either, I guess I could pray for some kind of sign about the whole thing...but I think I will wait until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow to ask that kind of thing.

I even started to worry that the reason no bird had moved into the bird house,

is because of Asmodeus, and I started to remember another time when I was a little girl, when we had pet birds and they died too soon.

 I kind of want to hope and pray that either a crow or raven move into the bird house.

maybe I am just being paranoid about whole bird thing, I mean it takes time and I just gotta try to be patient.

I just need to try not to be tricked and I need to try not to let toxic-religious people get to me so much either.

maybe I should wait a few days or maybe a week, before I try to watch any video by Little Light Studios.

I have only known that channel for a short time, because I had only found out about them tonight....but I still don’t like it.

  not all anime/cartoons will be for children,

some will be for everyone, but some will not be.

some really mature stuff, needs to be hidden away from little kids,

and try to explain to them that they are too young to see it.

and making sure to hide it really good, so they can’t find it.

oh and this is what had kind of freaked me out

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jb-7BO-Yjwg

it is still a good reading, but some stuff that was said, did freak me out.

I mean I am a Gemini and I am a descendant of Royalty.

but I am pretty sure there are other Geminis who saw that, who might be descendants of royalty too.

I am just gonna try to hope that reading was about a different Gemini who is a descendant of royalty.

even if they said “You Are Next In Line To The Throne.”

I don’t want it....Nope, No Thank You.

Fudge This Cheese I’m Out.

the reading was still good and interesting

(still was freaky to me because of reasons.)

but at least the person who did the reading, isn’t a bad person.

or a super toxic religious person.

I think I should try to make sure to take off my mind off of those Little Light Studios.....

even if someone does point out about some stuff on Anime,

like there are some Anime and even Cartoons,

that are not for little kids, and parents should know that fact.

and if you were a little kids when you were exposed to some mature stuff in movies, once you get older, you get the knowledge that let’s you figure out

that you were too young to watch some stuff you were not suppose to.

so you try to make sure the same mistake doesn’t happen again.

I try to keep any M Rated Video Games and Movies or Shows,

away from little cousins.

I have my reason to want to keep my guard up when it comes to both demons and angels....and I don’t just mean the fallen angels.

I’m just gonna try to take my mind off of that Youtube Channel

that peeved me off.

I at first wanted to talk about that whole Youtube Channel,

but I started to talk about some other stuff too.

like admitting about the whole Asmodeus thing, but I am doing my best to try to keep my mind on other stuff. 

 anyway I’m gonna just go back to what I was going before finding out about that Little Light Studios, I don’t think they would care about how they might of not only peeved me off, but others as well.

I still think it is best that I wait maybe a few days, maybe until June,

to try to fully watch their video that talks about Anime.

I love Anime, but I will try to fully watch their video, even if it might end up peeving me off.

either later or tomorrow, I will try to do some relaxing meditation while listening to music.

I’m gonna hope the next time I sign in, I can just check out some stuff on here and or work on and post the Undertale AU idea I came up with

that’s called The Journal Of Chara.

I don’t feel like trying to write the next chapter now, for obvious reasons.

another thing I should try to keep my mind off of,

is the whole Pepe Le Pew thing, of course some humans aren’t gonna mention the times he has been a victim at times, or the fact that Amy Rose or Fifi La Fume are just like him in a way.

sure Amy has gotten better, the Sonic Boom version of her and the Sonic from that series, is one of my OTP’s.

I really hope that Pepe and even Fifi, are rebooted to keep them safe.

anyway I best go before I make this any longer....

and try to keep my mind off of what I found out about, which had to do with that whole thing about “Exposing Anime.”

see ya later, stay safe and hope you all understand my feelings about all that.

the next time I sign in, I hope to just check out some stuff on here,

and post up some drawings or just write the next chapter of my AU-Story. 

PS:

I want to play it safe,

so I put mature warning for one of the tags for this. 

and I really will try to watch the full videos of Little Light Studios....

that talk about the Anime.

just not now, I am still peeved towards them, so it’s best that I wait until next month to try to fully watch any of their videos.

I want to try to stay away from their videos, until maybe a week or more.