#and oomf was the final say for this one getting posted

[hatredinmysoul]

i call my mom she said it was for the best

now that we don’t talk by taylor swift

[gingergofastboatsmojito]

Storer has been Storing with Syd all along

Please read the previous meta I included and pay attention to the bonus tracks.

What Storer chose to show us What Syd knows about Carmy

The narrative Storer (and Calo) were pushing onto Syd was:

Carmy Berzatto, the chef I used to fangirl read about in all the magazines, a 30-year-old former boy genius, very easy on the eyes, internationally trained by the best, former NOMA, published author, multi-awarded hot shot, fresh outta the most excellent restaurant in the entire USA, most excellent CDC,

who most likely got laid all over the world, is now back in Chicago opening a restaurant and getting laid with this blue-eyed, hot brunette, a white chick he calls "friend".

Which means he's into the whole "FWB" thing because he clearly prefers to play the field rather than be in a committed relationship, seeing as his longest relationship must be the one he has with his personalized custom-made jacket.

The reality we, the audience, know:

For Carmy, Syd is a mystery, for Syd Carmy is this successful chef who couldn't keep it in his pants when he should have been there CALLING TONY!

But WE know that's not entirely true. WE know better:

Bonus track #1: Richie was NOT saying "Interesting" because Carmy was finally getting it on with the C person, but because he picked up on Syd's JEALOUSY. He thought: #Catfight!

Bonus track #2: She's just an interruption, she was never supposed to be a permanent thing.

I already went over that temporary quality of hers from other angles, but it always BEARS repeating because we are constantly being gaslit.

Bonus track #3: She's a FUCKUP. Fak forced and initiated that situation.

Bonus track #4: C was a QUICK FIX kinda situationship because Carmy JUST COULDN'T WAIT for a better time to pursue the woman he really wanted, seeing as he presumably thought she was either completely out of his league or it was just unprofessional to even give it a try because they were gonna be business partners and you shouldn't mix business with pleasure anyway, plus Syd never showed interest in him in any other way than professionally, so why would he risk it? He decided not to wait for a better chance to go after Syd in the future, since he deemed that chance to be a looooog shot that might never happen at all and instead he just TRANSFERRED his feelings onto a more attainable prospect, as I explained above, this was confirmed by 02X05's soundtrack.

Remember to follow my tag #Gingerpovs 💋

[mecachrome]

your oscar primer was absolutely brilliant, thank you so much for posting it!! well-researched, well-written, and a good balance of educational and hilarious. if you want to share, i’d be very interested in reading any of the parts you mentioned that you cut out, like george-admiring, oscar’s psyche, etc, but no pressure ofc 🫶

omg no thank you so much for your kind words, i appreciate it a lot!!! :D andddd let me see... honestly i was just going to add a few more quotes & anecdotes from other people about his personality but i ended up incorporating most of them into the primer (e.g. mark's), but in general i think it's really charming how Every Single Adult who has ever worked with oscar throughout the years is so deeply and immediately convinced of his maturity. i did work in most of this old ask but it has a few extra quotes in there from mclaren personnel! anyway more below the cut:

i guess really the thing to Me about oscar is like...... idk if this makes any sense but i personally love how he's naturally a really gracious and diplomatic person but is also deeeeeply self-assured and objective, which on one hand means he presents as quite humble when he doesn't make excuses for himself or get caught up in deceptively high results, but on the other also means he refuses to give anyone else credit for his own success; if you remember me briefly mentioning prematax in that post he talks about it in the f1fs pod where he basically goes i didn't win because of PREMA, in fact i've NEVER LOST TO A TEAMMATE, SO. like any racing driver that is def a big source of pride for him, and i think it speaks to the "silent killer" (per lando) side to him, the guy who mark says "falls asleep" when hearing stories of his (championless) career, who said that he supported mark out of national obligation growing up but—let us not forget—vettel was the one winning everything back then anyway, who says he put even more pressure on himself to win his final race in f2 despite having clinched the title 2 races prior because he felt the innate urge to prove that he wouldn't simply ease off the gas pedal and still had it in himself to subjugate the field one last time.

along these lines oomf and i have discussed before how he and alex rank similarly on the kind/nice dichotomy in a way that is slightly diametric to lando, wherein he is always willing to offer tidy bits of sympathy for someone else's struggles but doesn't ever really envision any of them as relevant to his own experiences, because getting caught up in that "external noise" would be a waste of time (even with logan in the f3 finale it was honestly kind of like "aw man that sucks, i'd hate for it to be me... ANYWAY"). like not to maybe exaggerate his interiority but i enjoy that he carries an amount of hidden tension that he obviously consciously decides to not take reactionary measures over—though that doesn't mean it isn't there, it's just very well regulated (unrelated but he does actually work with mental coach emma murray, who also works with scott mclaughlin and whom he says helped him center himself at the end of his eurocup season). but he's still very... unfiltered about when he's been disrespected in an unperturbed, straightforward manner, like saying otmar confronting him on the sim over being promoted to the seat was "bizarre and frankly upsetting," the face he made when he was told they'd overtaken alpine in the standings in 2023, telling the kids in that hp tuners interview that the renault engineers treated his first f1 test too nonchalantly, etc. 😭 like every interview back when he was a reserve driver was soooo "i'm gracious about being stuck in this role but also i've proven myself way too much to Not Hate This Compromise and i'll be pissed as hell if i don't get a seat next year"... i'll stop here but basically he is truly a master of balancing gritted-teeth conviction with his tactical charm and it is one of my fav things ever about him!!!

also another quote i love is this one from david sera about his driving style, because 1) i love the correlation between it and his personality/calmness, 2) i'm obsessed with the dynamic of his early rc days helping nurture a style of "finesse" in his driving throughout his junior career that may not have appeared naturally if he'd only begun racing in karting (and subsequently how he had to learn to not get "muscled around" after moving to europe), and 3) of course as a noted jb22 appreciator i love when people note similarities in his inputs to jb because it is delicious to ME:

Coming from a remote control car background where concentration, finesse and smooth inputs, these were the traits we saw in Oscar in the cadet category. [...] You would often see other drivers have an advantage in the early part of the race, driving more aggressively, but Oscar had a more calm approach.

c__c but back to the first part of the ask and our good friend russell jorge, i'm mostly obsessed with oscar's reactions to his performance at the rollercoaster that was spa 2021 and the fact that he's been so vocally appreciate of george "outperforming" the car he was in. the 2 instances of the word HERO on his twitter:

and then this quote in an interview he did in 2022:

"[Success] is definitely not just defined by just world championships, and if you can outperform the car that you're in—I think George Russell has been a very fine example of that in years previous, you know, constantly getting the most out of that Williams and of course Spa. (laughs) Bit controversial, but he got a podium at the end of the day! And even without that, he qualified second, he outqualified everyone except Max in a Williams, which, you know, is an unbelievable result."

also george being the only f1 driver (i think) to tweet him for his f2 title :saluting_face:

AND ALSO THEM SHARING THE ANECDOTE OF THEIR AWKWARD FIRST MEETING ON THE FAST & CURIOUS POD??? aka oscar was told in his april 2023 ep that they were going to interview george next and he was like oh ok you can ask him about our "slightly left-field introduction," and then they had george on who was like oh yeah i met oscar for the first time washing our hands together in the bathroom on our way to the ausgp in 2020 😭 what a way to meet.

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 12

♡ Chapter Inspo: Lyrics; Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode) - Words like violence, break the silence, come crashing in- into my little world. Painful to me, pierce right through me, can't you understand? All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, Is here in my arms. Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm…

♡ Summary: Winnie x Carmy have deep talks, Carmy ends up running away & having a panic attack, Syd being the pookie pie she is brings Winnie to therapy, they share big news & Syd is anxious (but, what's new there?)

♡ W/C: 9,600

♡ Posted Date: 03/08/2024

♡ A/N: Hey everyone! No smut in this chapter, but lots of angst!! We finally get to see Syd bc I was talkin to a Tumblr OOMF & I just HAD to put in some Syd this week, & she slipped right in there perfectly! We will be back with some super sweet fluff next week, I need to keep you on your toes - this is about Carmen the most anxious person on earth after all hahahha

♡ Warnings for BTC: Smoking, Swearing, Angst, Talk of suicide, Panic attacks, Bad coping skills *not edited :)*

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

After a shower that surprisingly didn’t end in another round, and a heavy make out when he came out of the bathroom to see me clad in nothing but his white shirt and a pair of panties, we had gotten comfortable in bed again, my fairy lights back on. 

We were laid facing eachother, fingers intertwined, sharing sweet pillow talk about what we did earlier in the night. It felt so good to talk to him like this, and truth be told I felt so lucky that he was being so open about how he felt about it all. 

“Y’know when-“ I giggled “when I was like- I couldn’t say anything other then yes?” I asked and he snorted a laugh, squeezing my hand softly. 

“Yes why?” He gently rubs my hip with his free hand, pushing my shirt up so his palm was flat against my skin. 

“Cause- well I couldn’t even wrap my head around it, I just knew that you were doing exactly what I wanted, but more so you were saying what I wanted. Like- Bear. I am so amazed with you and your ability to like- learn so fast. You’re like actually the best lay I’ve ever ever had. For real, honest to god.” I said, gently rubbing my thumb over his now very warm and pink cheek. 

He swallowed thickly, thinking for a moment, eyes fluttering shut under my gentle touch. “Can I tell y’somethin, baby?” he asked quietly. I leaned forward, resting my forehead on his, my hand trailing up his face and fingers getting lost in his damp curls. 

“Anything, Carmy.” I whispered, gently nuzzling our noses sweetly “I want you to tell me everything baby” I whispered and he leaned forward, kissing me gently. When he pulled his lips away, his forehead still on mine. My eyes flutter open to meet his blue ones. He takes a deep, shaky breath. 

“I-I’ve never felt like this..and I’m really fuckin’ scared” he bit his lip, squeezing my hip gently. I cupped his jaw, planting a lingering gentle kiss on his forehead before resting my own against him again. 

“Do you remember, last week, when you told me you wanted me to show you how it feels?” I whisper and I could have sworn he stopped breathing for a moment. 

“N-no- no…how…it’s too soon” he pulls away a bit and I let him do so, squeezing his hand affirmingly. 

“How fast do you hate someone?” I asked after he sat silent for a moment, and the look behind his eyes was clear that he was far off somewhere else, so I had to say something to get him back. 

“What?” He asks, attention back to me. “Why does that matter?” He begins untangling our fingers and I rest my other hand over his to stop him. 

“Because. There is such a thin line between love and hate, Carm. I can tell you hate with a deep, guttural, soul-splitting passion. When you hate something, you hate it…and when you love something” I said and he gently curled his fingers around mine again, rubbing his thumb in strokes along the back of my hand. 

“How are you like that” he whispers, pulling me to his chest and nuzzling his face in my neck, his lips pressed to my skin and warm puffs of breath tickling the fleshy spot between my shoulder and my neck. 

I smiled, my hand absentmindedly coming up and lacing my fingers through his curls, scratching his scalp gently in the places I’d come to know he liked. “Like what, Bear?” I whisper, just as soft. It felt like we were the only people in the world. Sleep wasn’t needed in our little haven, I felt like I couldn’t miss a single moment of him. 

“That.” He breathes into my skin, peppering sweet, warm kisses along my skin. “You always fuckin’…just…calm me down. It’s so fuckin’ terrifying” he mutters, a small smile comes to my lips and I kiss his temple sweetly. 

“You calm me down too, but you also make my heart race so much even when I think about you, I worry for myself sometimes…like I’m havin’ a heart attack. Like my heart literally skips. And I didn’t understand what people meant until I met you” I said with a small giggle and he snorts a laugh into my skin. 

“I can’t think about you when I’m not with you- well…that’s a lie…I can’t think about how I feel about you when I’m not with you” he said softly, his thumb gently rubbing over the scar on my hip. 

“Why?” I asked quietly, gently dragging my fingers through his hair in slow, backwards strokes. 

“Cus’ I’ll give myself a fuckin panic episode or whatever it’s called if I think about it for too long.” He mumbled into my neck and I swallowed thickly. 

“Cause…you like me, right?” I asked and he lets out a chuckle. 

“Sooooo far past like, but sure. I don’t even know what to call it, but I more then like you. But- I…I also hate feeling like this..cus’…cus’ I feel- I feel like I’m gonna fuck everything up. Like…what if I’m so focused on us that I fuck up the restaurant? Or- or what if I lose my touch. Or fuckin’ I dunno. Somethin’ in me just like-“ he sighs. “I need a fuckin’ cigarette.” He sits up, back facing me, leaving me cold on my side and I pout. 

“Alone?” I ask quietly, wanting to reach out for him. 

“No- no baby come w’me cmon. Put on some pants though yeah? It’s freezin’ “ he said, grabbing his sweatpants and putting them on as well as his usual plaid brown jacket. 

I got up, opening my dresser and pulling out some pink fuzzy hello kitty pajama bottoms, tugging them on before putting on my fuzzy pink bear socks along with my Ugg slippers and grabbing my well loved Winnie the Pooh zip up, putting it over his tshirt and putting up the hood. “We can go on the balcony” I said softly, going over and unlocking the door. 

He slipped his sneakers on, following me out and sitting down on one of the chairs. “C’mere” he pats his lap and I come over, gently sitting and wrapping my arms around him once he got his cigarettes out and grabbing his lighter from his pocket. Once he popped it between his lips, I lit it for him, gently playing with the curls at the base of his neck and watching as he took a drag. 

“I just feel…like- and I-i know what you’ll say- cause you’ve told me already like a hundred times- but…I feel like, I’m finally sacrificing a little of myself for myself and…I feel like I don’t deserve to? Like…I-i-im betraying myself? and-“ I cup his cheek, stopping his rambling. 

“Why is it betrayal, baby? What about letting yourself feel for once is a betrayal?” I asked and he took another long drag, mulling the question over. 

“Cause’ that part of me that tells me it’s betrayal T’myself t’be happy is the same part of myself that says people always leave and it’s always right. And it tells me…like- like- everyone is gonna be so mad at me when I fuck up with you and then lose you and I also have been like- not on top of my shit with the restaurant. So like I’m- I’m fuckin over Nat, and Richie, and Marcus, and Tina, and Syd. I’m fuckin’ em, Win. For me to be happy. Leavin’ em with all this bull that I’m used to handling so I can run off and play boyfriend until you fuckin’ realize that-“

“Hey, hey, hey” I said softly, cutting his spiral before it could get too deep. “Let’s unpack this baby, so you…you feel like, if you were to fall in love- not even with me. Let’s take me out of this equation. So you think that if you were to have a lover, like a real, intimate, partnership, like- building your life with someone. And that because as a human you have to have a work-life balance, that if your life cuts in to your work, just like your work is expected to cut in to your life once in a while- you believe that everyone in your life, Your big sister, your closest friends, and Syd? Syd. The girl who every person in her life she just wants them to be happy? Like it actually brings her to tears. She fuckin sat with me and Sadie for eleven hours on a FaceTime call, helping us get our Taylor tickets when she didn’t even want to go. And she cried with us when we finally got them. Syd loves you, Carm. As a friend. And knowing Syd, how she loves her friends? Its pure. So if you can’t believe any of the other people you mentioned would be anything short of happy if you were to have an actual life outside of work, it would be Syd. Also- you” I poke his cheek, thankfully earning a tiny upturn of his lips with the action. 

“You, sir” I continue “are a control freak. Yes, it’s hot a lot of the time. But then the other 10-15% of the time…all it does is fuck everything up Carmy. When you try to fuckin’ control every situation with an iron fist something is bound to go wrong. Syd is so smart. She was smart before you got her, and she’s even smarter because you’re teaching her, Carm. You said it yourself- she’s your right hand. Is Syd not your right hand, lovey?” I asked him softly, gently massaging his tense shoulders. 

Blew a trail of smoke away from me, being sure not to let any get directly in my face, before clearing his throat. “Ye’. She is” he muttered, slightly relaxing under my touch. 

“S’what does that mean, baby? D’you trust yourself? Do you trust that you’ve taught Syd, and Richie, and Fak, and Natalie, and Tina how you want your restaurant to be run? What if somethin’ happened to you tomorrow god forbid- d’you think The Bear would crash and burn?” I asked and he shook his head lightly in response, pushing his cigarette out in the ash tray. 

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his chest. “No- no…that’s actually..” he sighs, looking ahead at the cityscape. “I think about that- like…a lot…well- more before I met you I guess…but- t’day” he swallowed thickly and I kept my gaze locked on his side profile. 

“T’day I thought about it again…and y’re right. If I was removed…everything would probably run smoother. Because like you said. I’m an efficient son of a bitch because of how tightly I control shit, but sometimes I do too much and- a lot I think like…what if I’m holding The Bear back.” He muttered and I gently stroked his cheek with my thumb, both of us going quiet. I gnawed on the inside of my lip nervously, contemplating how he’d react- but knowing how he feels about himself…I had to allow him to see his situation from the outside. 

“D’you wanna know something I’ve been thinkin’ about…but…I didn’t wanna tell you cus’ I’ve been scared it’ll get you worked up for the wrong reasons?” I ask just above a whisper and his gaze finally meets mine again. 

“Tell me” he said, “I promise- I don’t think I could ever stay mad at you, honey” he said leaning in and kissing my cheekbone lightly. 

I took a deep, regulating breath. “When Sugar drove me home…I dunno I just had this- I was…I was just curious. And I asked her, I was like oh- who started to call him Bear, and- she told me that it was Mikey…” I watch his jaw tighten slightly and I swallow thickly, finding the confidence to continue. “And she- she told me…that um..you- you went to New York. Because you and Mikey kinda…grew apart. But that when you were young you both- you…The Bear was gonna be yours together.” I manage to get out and he closes his eyes taking a deep shakey breath. 

“What does this have to do with what I said, Winnie.” He said evenly, but his breath trembling. 

“I…I think-“ I play with my zipper nervously. “I think Mikey felt the same way… I think- he…he felt like you’d be better off because of the way he did things a-“ my voice breaks, tears coming to my eyes. “and he saw you Carmen…he saw you. Sugar told me she- she said…she said he was so proud, but he- he wouldn’t say it. And- and I think…I think he-he was scared. I think-“ he cuts me off. 

“S’what? Y’think he fuckin’ killed himself because he thought I was better than him?! When he wouldn’t even fuckin’ let me work at Mom and Dad’s piece a’ shit - before I fuckin’ went off to prove myself to him.” He said, voice sharper than I’d ever heard him speak towards me before, but still cracking towards the end. 

“Carmy…” I whispered, my throat feeling tight at the sudden energy shift. 

“I think he always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you. Carmy. He fucking loved you so fucking much. The way-“ I took a trembling breath, tears staining my cheeks. “The way he loved you was pure Carmen. You said you- you haven’t felt it but it’s just- it’s been around you this entire time baby. Sugar told me how you two were, she gushed over the trouble you’d get into together and how he’d always walk you to school. Just how fucking kind he was and all the ways you take after him.” I wiped away the tears that were pooling in his eyes. 

“I-“ he choked on a sob. “I have to go on a walk- p-please. Alone.” He took in a shaking breath, shaking his head and squeezing his eyes shut, tears pooling down his cheeks. “I h-have to think” he sniffled. 

I wipe his tear-stained cheeks. “Just be safe ok?” I whispered, kissing his temple gently before getting up off his lap.  

He nodded, grabbing his cigarettes and going back in to put a shirt on. I sat down in the chair, pulling my knees to my chest and resting my cheek on my knee, looking out at the city scape, my mind reeling with thoughts. The main one that kept bouncing from corner to corner or my mind like a god damn dvd video logo. 

You sunk too deep, too soon. He’s not coming back.

𝒞𝒶𝓇𝓂'𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱.🧸

I pulled the door behind me slightly harder than I meant to, the slam echoing throughout the hallway. I dug my cigarettes out of my pocket, the second I got into the stairwell lighting it with shaking hands. 

Really, Bear. If you ever feel it's getting too much - call, okay?

Sugars words bounced around my head as I pounded down the stairs, feeling like I couldn't breathe. Sure. The thick hot smoke I was inhaling didnt help the matter, but- fuck - the only thing that could allow me to speak fuckin normally in this state, was if I had a cigarette to pull on. 

I shove open the door so hard that it slams against the brick, causing an elderly woman and her white fluffy dog to jump. “Ooh!” she exclaims, putting her hand over her heart at the sudden noise. 

“S’rry Ma’am” I muttered, pulling my hood over my head as I walked by, looking at my feet as I fished my phone out while I took a drag of my now lit cigarette. With my free hand, I popped the cigarette out of my mouth and let out a shaky exhale as I unlocked my phone with shaking fingers.

Where the fuck am I going right now? 

I click the phone icon, clicking Sugars number and putting the phone to my ear as I listen to the ring and my heavy footsteps, inhaling another heavy drag. Surprisingly, it was only 2 rings before she answered. 

“God damn it Bear, y’re lucky I shut my ringer off before Livy woke up- Whats goin’ on?” she whisper-shouts into the phone. I stopped, leaning against the chainlink fence cutting off the empty lot a  block down from Winnies apartment. I wanted to crumple and sob at the sound of her voice.

“N-Nat?” I stutter in to the phone, my voice shaky, feeling just like I sounded as a fuckin’ kid, knocking at her door after Mom yelled at me for knocking her drink over. 

“Carmy-” she said, voice much softer then before and I heard her front door click open, car keys jingling. “Bear, where are you - let me help you, Bear, please, tell me- where are you?” she pleads.

I took a deep shuddering breath, crouching down against the fence with my head in my hands, the only thing stopping my hand from shaking being pressing the phone to my ear.

“Y’remember - d’you-” I took the phone away from my ear, slapping my palm against my forehead roughly in frustration. I cant fuckin’ speak right now. Fuck. And it feels like I’m gonna throw up. 

“Bear” I heard her say through the phone as I frustratedly rubbed my hand over my face, pushing tears away angrily to try and ground myself.

How the fuck did Winnie make me feel like this? What the fuck? Why am I not mad at her for making me feel like this?

“Nat- Nat…Nat” I try catching my breath, “Nat, Im fuckin’ im cashin’ in- w-when you told me t’call you if im- if… “ I look up briefly, rubbing my hand over my mouth to soothe back a sob, my eyes meeting the ‘For Rent’ sign of the empty lot I was kneeled infront of pathetically. 

“Uh-I’m-I’m a-at- tw-” I pull the phone away and cough, my lungs burning. The mix of crying uncontrollably, thick mucus, and cigarettes, proving once again to be deadly- if not at least extremely irritating to my throat when I’m like this.

“Twenty-five north Wells, near Winnies” I breathe out, slumping down into a heap on the sidewalk, curling into myself. 

If someone I know walks by, I’m actually going to end it, fucking tonight.

“Stay, stay right there, I’m coming Bear” I heard her car door slam shut, before the engine roared to life.

 “Thanks” I mumble in to the phone and hung up, dropping my phone in my chest pocket and hugging my knees.

I look like a fuckin child, pathetic and rediculous.

But my swirling, self deprecating thoughts didn’t stop me from shaking with silent sobs as I mulled over the words Winnie said minutes earlier, sticking to my brain like velcro. 

‘ He always saw the greatness in you, but like you he didn’t think he deserved to be apart of the success he knew someone he loved was destined for. He saw you, Carmy. ‘

I shook my head at the thought, wiping the never ending stream of tears from my raw cheeks. “Fuckin, get it together quit bein a pussy” I muttered to myself, sniffling and standing up, shaking my hand by my side roughly, hearing the joint crack with each flick as I paced back and forth quickly, uncontrollably gasping breaths taking over my lungs in place of sobs as I swallowed everything back. 

I refused to be sniveling like a little bitch when I got in Nat’s car. I’m not fuckin’ 7 anymore. I clear my throat, looking up at the sky as I pace, trying to find anything to pop in my mind other then the racing thoughts of Mikey, and the overwhelming guilt that I somehow killed him by leaving. 

I was so lost in attempting to chill the fuck out - that I didn’t even hear Natalie’s SUV pull up. What pulled me out of my head was the sound of her car door slamming. 

“Bear- fuckin’ Jesus Carmen, thank god Y’re alright buddy, you scared me fuckin’ shitless” she comes up to me, hugging me tightly and nestling her face in my chest. “I love you, i love you, I love you Carmen. I don’t tell you enough, but I love you, ok? So so fucking much. Y’re still my little bud. Y’know that, right? Y’re gonna be my little buddy forever” She mutters. 

And with that, I cracked once again. “Nat” I whisper, before completely breaking down in her arms, sobbing into her shoulder. She hugs me tighter, rubbing circles into my back soothingly.  

“Oh, Bear…” she whispered sadly into my hair, “tell me, tell me Carm.” She said and I tried to catch my breath.

“I- fuck- holy fuck. I- I needa sit…please. D-do you have water?” I cough hard into my arm. Fuckin cigarettes only fuck me up this bad when I’m like this. 

“Carm, fuckin’ breathe - holy shit. Yes, c’mon” she tugs my sleeve and I got on the passanger side, immediately grabbing her large purple cup that of course was just like Winnie’s-

Since the universe is determined to cackle at my demise at every beck and turn. 

-but I got past it due to my mouth that was so dry it felt glued, and chug down about half of the cup by the short time she’d sat in the driver seat and set the cup back down with a sigh. 

“Glad to see you found the water” she said, turning the engine over so we wouldn’t freeze. “So. Cmon. Let’s go. code hiccup..this must be serious” she said, bringing a small, barely there smile to my lips. 

Code hiccup was what she called her mandatory chats with me as a kid, when I’d get so fuckin’ worked up that I’d be hiccuping as I cried since I could barely breathe. And during these, she told me ‘as an older sister she has authority to make me tell her what’s bothering me.’ - she’d only ever called one of these when I was at the very wits end of my breaking point, so I never fought her on it. 

I look at her “Mikey- Winnie- she -hic- she…what the fuck did you say t’her, Nat?” Ok, so I guess I still get so worked up I fuckin’ hiccup. 

“Carm, what? Thats why you’re all fuckin’ upset?! Cause I told her a few childhood stories, and told her about how much he missed you when you were away? How close you both were? You knew that already. I told you that! I tried calling, Bear. You fuckin iced me out the same way he did t’you” she shook her head. 

“No- n-no she -hic- she…she said” I took a shaking breath, swallowing back the lump in my throat that was threatening to make a reappearance. “Why would she ever say I -hic- take after him? W- -hic- we both know that Mikey-“ I shook my head, looking out the window. “Was better at fuckin everything. He was normal.” I said quietly. 

“Carm, you are so much like him- you take after him in so many ways. The good and the bad.Other then the….the end for him, you were the same. We practically raised you, Carm, if anyone knows you its me, and it was Mike. How you’re so selfless in forgoing your own pleasures for the sake of others, your passion, Carm, your passion for your family, your passion for cooking? He missed you…but- I could tell he wanted you to just…do your own thing” she said, holding her cup in her lap and twirling the straw anxiously. 

“He knew Nat, he knew how much it h-hic-hurt me, when he fuckin…” I shook my head, closing my eyes tightly as tears pricked at the corners. 

“Bear I need you to hear me when I say this and not take it the wrong way…” she whispered and I looked at her, swallowing thickly. 

“A few months after you left…we were talking, and- he…he told me that…” she shakes her head, looking at her lap. “He told me that unless he kicked you out hard enough, you’d be too…soft to make it, like- that… that you wouldn’t be angry enough to get where you needed to go, to pull yourself up. He said that…that in the kitchen industry..you cant be so openly in love with cooking like you were…that to succeed you had to be serious about it, that it wasn’t about love, its about perfection. So he- he did that because he thought that he was helping you- but..but loving and being soft isn’t a bad thing Bear, and I wanted to fuckin wallop him over the back of the head for ever even thinking like that, but he told me…where you were going- where you were destined to go…you’d never had made it if he- if…he held your hand like he always did.” her eyes finally met mine once more.

I was just sitting there, dumbfounded, hiccups escaping my lips every so often a stears silently streamed down my cheeks. “Why does everyone except you and Winnie work like that, Natty?” I whispered after a long moment of silence. 

“Like what, Carm?” she brushes some stray tears away from my cheek. “That in order to offer help, they need to hurt me first”

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

I didn’t sleep at all that night, I didn’t even realize it was 6am until I got an alarm on my phone, alerting that Taylor would be hitting the stage in a few minutes.

She always helps me forget things for a little while. I’m so glad she’s starting her leg in Singapore, today.

 I grabbed it off the charger hitting the stop button, and rubbing my tired eyes. “ ‘Lexa - g’morning” I said ‘Good morning’ it replied, my LED lights flicking on to a warm pinky orange.

I sat up in bed, finding my remote and switching Criminal Minds out for the morning news, before grabbing my phone and opening up the live stream of her concert. Amidst everything, i’d forgotten about Swiftball completely- not even caring much. I had went numb a few hours ago, when it would have been a reasonable walk. No, Carm went home. He had to have, the only thing left here of his was his backpack, that was laying flat on the floor since everything he’d brought to wear for the night was on his person, and his pair of Levi’s, as well as one of his white shirts. 

I got up, stretching my back and listening as the lead up speech to Cruel Summer started. 

“Oh! Nǐ hǎo!” she said adorably before beginning to sing, causing me to giggle. 

“Adorable” I mutter to myself, turning around and picking up Persephone from her spot on Carm’s-

On the other side of my bed. 

And held her like a baby. “G’mornin stinky” I said and kissed her head. She looked up at me and licked my nose, causing me to scrunch it up and smile. “Tank you for kisses smoochy, where were you last night mmm? Hidin’?” I put her back down on the bed gently and stroke her tail before grabbing my phone and heading to the bathroom.

I connected to my speaker, listening to Lover play, and rolling my eyes to myself as I start the shower and began to undress. 

This therapy session is gonna be brutal. I feel it. 

Nonetheless, out of habit I hummed along. I washed my body while listening to The Archer, Deep conditioned my hair, dancing around in the shower a bit to Fearless, it really was one of my favorite songs of hers. Probably because it was one of those songs Chris and I danced to a billion times together in my room with my little hello kitty CD player my mom had gotten me as my christmas present at a garage sale one year. 

I shaved my legs to You Belong With Me, and exfoliated to Love Story, smiling as I replayed all the memories of Chris turning the volume all the way up, and sitting criss-cross on my floor, his hand over the top of the CD player, feeling the hum of the lyrics and the bass while I jumped wildly on my bed and sung my heart out like I was preforming my own personal concert. We’d listened to this album so much, and I’d signed him the lyrics so much, that by the bumping of the bass and vibration of the lyrics- he knew by memory what song was playing after a while.

By the time Look What You Made Me Do was playing, I was cutting the water off from my long luxurious shower. I was convinced I’d scrubbed every touch of him off my body, out of guilt more then anything. I swoop in his life, give him these new experiences, make him feel loved, and then clawed open his deepest wound that had barely clotted yet. 

He doesn’t deserve to heal on my timing because it would make our relationship easier on me. This is about us together, and the conversation we had was out of my own selfishness. 

I’m torn away from my swirling thoughts from the opening lines of Enchanted, rolling my eyes in annoyance, “Oh give me a fuckin’ break.” I mutter to the universe. I finished drying myself off, trying to ignore the lyrics as I slathered my lotion on. 

And now I’m pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door.. 

“No! No its a stupid song and I am not dramatic and this song isn’t even about anything like what happened shut UP brain” I rambled to myself, spraying on my Honey Bee body mist that had golden glitter in it, going out to my bedroom and opening my dresser. 

I focused on getting dressed, putting on a black T-shirt bra and panties and heading over to my closet. I pulled out one of my favorite pairs of overalls with Pooh embroidered on them, as well as a striped tan,blue, and red turtleneck sweater i’d thrifted. I slipped on the sweater, untucking my damp hair and adjusting the collar before putting on the overalls and buckling them up. 

I went back over to my dresser, pulling out some plain black ankle socks and slipping them on before grabbing my phone and heading into the bathroom. I quickly blew out my hair so my bangs wouldn’t curl up wildly, and brushed my teeth before heading out to the kitchen with Persephone on my heels as I hum along with We are Never Ever Getting Back Together  

This is the energy I need to take on for his sake. 

I sighed to myself as I took out one of my iced coffee glasses, stuffing it with ice before putting it under the coffee machine & brewing a strong latte. 

I had nothing to make for breakfast, and did not feel like going to the store- so I just decided to skip it and grab some McDonald’s on my way home from therapy later. I wandered off to my craft room, looking over various projects I’d started and contemplating what I wanted to throw myself into today. 

Something…intricate. 

I knew just the thing. I opened up the closet, pulling out the bodice mannequin that was dressed in my half done replica of Taylor’s Midnight Rain bodysuit. I had scoured google for days finding the perfect colors of beads, finding the best threads that wouldn’t snap, the best sequins. I saved up for 3 months, after my last Taylor concert- because Sadie and I agreed that we’d be watching for more Tickets to her Miami show, because it was so good when we went we had to do it again. 

I hum along to The Last Great American Dynasty as I prepared my sewing needle, getting all my beads and sequins laid out. I counted out my first group of 13 beads, sewing them in a neat row one by one, having to push up my glasses on my nose every so often. 

I only broke my trance when she started singing the first surprise song of the evening sparks fly. I gasped, standing up and watching closely, dancing around and singing along, squealing excitedly when she mixed in Gold Rush as well. 

“Oh my god those are perfect songs together!!!” I jump happily, singing along excitedly when she got to the chorus. 

“I run my fingers through your hair and watch the lights go wild just keep on keepin’ your eyes on me it’s just wrong enough to make it feel right!! And lead me up the staircase won’t you whisper soft and slow!! I’m captivated by you baby like a firework sho-“

“Winnie?” I hear and a shriek escapes my lips in surprise. I whip around to see Carm standing in the doorway. 

“Bastard” I slap my hand over my heart, attempting to catch my breath. “Don’t fuckin’ scare me like that! Jesus I almost had a heart attack!” I said, and there was the faintest trace of a smile on his lips. 

“I did knock, sorry I guess it wasn’t loud enough.” He said. His eyes were bloodshot, nose red and raw from being rubbed. His curls were a mess of broken waves from running his hands through them so much. 

“I thought…” I turn the volume on my phone down. “I- I thought you…went home.” I said, biting the inside of my lip nervously. 

“What? No..no. I’m sorry, I- I had to think…I uh- I saw Sugar, we talked. She just dropped me off cause she has to get her kid ready for school. But I feel…better, kinda.” He releases a shaky breath. 

I nod, swallowing thickly. “I’m sorry, I’m really, sorry, Carmen. I- I shouldn’t have said any of that t’you..it doesn’t matter how I feel about Mikey and- and how I feel about how you feel about him…it was never my place to reopen that wound. And…I-“ my voice cracks, vision going blurry with tears. 

“I think I’ll only hurt you if we keep this up.” I shake my head, looking at my feet and nervously playing with my fingers. 

“No- well, maybe- maybe yeah…-“ he hesitated and swallowed thickly. 

I squeeze my eyes shut, hot tears running down my cheeks. 

Selfish. Manipulative. Horrible. You ruin everything you touch. Why are you crying- he should be the one crying. You hurt him - you selfish greedy bitch! 

I shake my head as the voices roar in my ears. 

“I mean- it was a lot all at once…baby, and it was really late, and- and we had just been so close like that for the first time in bed, and that was my first time being so close to someone in bed in general. And - I…I think I was too emotionally fucked out for that and that’s why I ran. But I want you. I want this” He said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. 

I look up at him, sniffling. “Y-you don’t hate me now?” I whisper, my voice shakey. 

“Honey” he said softly, stepping towards me and opening his arms. I felt pulled like a magnet, dropping my phone on my chair and curling my arms around him, nuzzling my face in his chest and inhaling the scent of cigarettes, sandalwood, cedar, the smallest touch of jasmine, but best of all the light tinge of him. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, Bear” I whisper over and over again into his shirt. He rubs my back in long soothing strokes. 

“ it’s okay baby, I’m just…I feel alot when I with you- let’s go slow with talks like that yeah?” He mumbled in to my hair and I nod slightly against his chest.

“Thank you” I said softly and look up at him, resting my chin on his sternum. 

“F’what baby?” He brushed my bangs from my eyes. 

“Not leaving me.” I whisper and he bent his neck downwards, resting his forehead on mine and looking into my eyes.  

“It’s a me thing - not a you thing- but…I’m really confused why I didn’t. I mean…that’s my MO usually, especially with girls. But…I dunno…I wanna keep trying this time, y’re different.” He squeezes my hips gently. 

I wrap my arms around his neck loosely, “kiss me?” I ask softly and he obliges. I hum satisfied at the feeling of his lips once more, swiping my tongue across his bottom lip and he opened his mouth on contact, his tongue finding mine. I tasted a tinge of iron, and he pulled away lightly when my tongue ran over his bottom lip, feeling the raw flesh. He’s been biting the fuck out of his lips.

Our noses sweetly rub together in the tender kiss, my fingers twirling a soft blonde tuft of hair between them. He pulled away after a moment, and I looked up at him.  “can we sleep baby, please” his eyes fluttered back shut, it sounded like a plea more then anything. 

“Let’s go t’sleep, Bear” I intertwined our fingers, tugging him gently to the bedroom.

I’m woken by my Apple Watch buzzing on my wrist. I groan softly, looking at it ‘therapy 1 hr.!!’ The alarm read. I hit stop, carefully untangling Carmen and I, first slowly deranging our fingers, then carefully untwisting our legs, and finally ever so gently picking up his arm and rolling out of bed slowly so as to not wake him. Poor thing has only been sleeping 6 hours and he was surely up for more than 24. 

I slipped his white tshirt off, dropping it on the bed and I went over to my desk, putting on my outfit that I’d taken off to nap. Then, I sat at my vanity, popping in my AirPods and listening to my metal playlist as I did some light simple makeup, brushing my long hair into a high ponytail, leaving my fringe out. My music goes soft, Siri reading out a notification. 

Text from Syd the Chef kid 👩🏾‍🍳🫶: place is slow cause the rain, espresso date b4 therapy?? 

I smiled to myself, grabbing my phone and quickly texting back. 

Plsss!! 🥹🫶 imu goddess. Need Syd time!!!

I got up, going and brushing my teeth before feeding Persephone her early dinner so she didn’t wake Carm asking for it if he slept through my appointment. I grabbed a piece of my Hello Kitty stationary and a pen, quickly writing. 

Went to therapy. Be back by 4:30, please lock the door if you leave (didn’t wanna wake you, you look so sweet + handsome when you’re sleeping ♡ ) x♡x♡ - Winnie♡ :) 

I quietly entered the bedroom, leaving the note on my pillow and giving him a gentle kiss on the forehead, being sure to tuck his arm into the blanket so he wouldn’t get cold and brushed his hair back before grabbing my tote and shutting the bedroom door behind me. 

I check my phone to see a new text from Syd about 5 minutes ago 

Be there in 10!

I grabbed her heels that id been long meaning to give back to her, quietly shutting the front door behind me and I went downstairs. By the time I was bouncing down the steps her blue optima was pulling up. I practically skipped over, it had been ages it felt since we last got to hang out. Syd brought me to therapy 3 times a week, she refused to take gas money, and told me that she didn’t want me dealing with surge pricing or risking the train. 

I pop open the passenger door “you’re children” I present her heels dramatically. She laughs, taking them from my hand and tossing them in the back. 

“Thank you. You only held them ransom for how many months?” She asks as I shut my door, buckling in. I laughed. 

“Mmm don’t ask you know me and time” I said, putting my tote at my feet. “I fuckin missed you bitch!!! When are those James award nominations coming out?” I ask and she looks nervous. 

“Last night” she said and I gasp 

“SYDNEY!!! Oh my god! No- don’t tell me you haven’t looked!! You’ve been working so hard!” I tap her arm excitedly. 

“I literally couldn’t bring myself to look at them that’s why I wanted to get coffee” she said putting the car in drive and turning down the main road to get on the highway. 

“Dude! With all the attention The Bear has gotten since you opened last year, and like - what is it- four of the five most popular dishes are all yours!!! Bitch- Carmen should be scared! You are coming for his neck!” I laughed and she shakes her head, smiling wide. 

“I know..I know..but still like..” she sighs a bit “what if it’s like it was last year…what if- like…what if they just see our success as his success..he totally deserved all the awards last year, but- that to me is all the more reason for the voting panel to hand it to him. And he’s been on like 2 podcast interviews…and he has like a whole fandom online.” She said and I grab her hand that was moving as she spoke, squeezing gently. 

“Syd..Carmen isn’t a new chef- he’s already won that last year, sure he can take outstanding chef, if he’s nominated. But…” I swallow thickly. “I- I know Carm is amazing but like- cmon…Syd. You’ve been…the star of that restaurant now, the whole time you’ve been open. Carm is the handsome face that’s been media trained, yes we both know he’s a crazy genius chef mastermind- but - so are you! You’re younger then he is, and I have no doubt you’re nominated for something this year. Yeah, Carmy is getting the bear out there on social media by bein all sexy and stuff in interviews- but you are the one that’s being interviewed like weekly by those blogs and magazines” I said and her smile returns. 

“You’re right, you’re totally right. Totally. Carmen can’t be nominated for emerging chef again, he already won it.” She squeezed my hand gently. 

“Speaking of Carmen.” She eyes me through the rear view mirror. “Spill.” She said and I bit my lip, looking out the window as I played with my fingers nervously.  “Okay. What happened.” She demands, turning the radio lower. 

“I’m a idiot is what happened” I said embarrassed and pick at balls of lint on the inside of my sleeve. 

“Okay and this is becauseeee…” she drawls, waiting for me to continue. 

“Because I thought it’d be a good idea to try and help him realize that the reason things went the way they did with Mikey per his sister was because it sounded like Mikey was ashamed of his own skill set because of how talented Carmy was from so young, and he instead of being honest about it- took more of a tough- er- really icey love approach, and just - froze him out. Like threw him in the middle of the ocean to drown without his help for the first time and left him there. Because he thought it would make him tough. But it really just fuckin wounded him emotionally and Mikey had alot of guilt about that and - “ she interrupts my rambling. 

“Dude-“ she chuckles in shock. “Dude….you said that?!” She looks at me for a short second before looking back at the road. 

“Well- n-yeah? Something similar I guess in the moment when he’s looking at me with his sad blue puppy eyes I had a hard fuckin’ time getting anything coherent out. So he flipped his shit and had a panic attack and ran off to go see sugar I guess and then came back at like 7 am and told me he still wants to be with me then knocked out and was sleeping still when I left.” I said and she raised her eyebrows, thinking for a moment. 

“Hmm..well- I’m surprised he came back. He said that? Those words? Tell me exactly what he said when he came back.” She said and I roll my eyes. 

“Why are you the Carmy whisperer or something?” I huff lightly “he said like- ‘It was a lot at once baby it was late and we just fucked like that for the first time and I’ve never been so close to someone while I fucked them and I was too emotionally drained and that’s why I ran but I want you I want this’ “ I paraphrase from memory as best I could. 

“Holy shit what did you do to him?!” She teases with a giggle causing me to start laughing too. 

“What? What the hell do you mean!!” I tap her arm playfully. 

“I’ve never heard Carmen say he wants something emotionally unless it had to do with the restaurant. He doesn’t give a fuck about anything. So…hm…maybe- maybe this is good for him” she said the end to herself more than anything. 

I raised my eyebrows “should I be offended you thought I’d be bad for him?!” I cross my arms and she laughs. 

“You? No. God no. I say that because I knew you were good for him- but I thought he was gonna run himself ragged dodging his own feelings while simultaneously doing everything he can to make you fall for him and keep you interested just like he did to me. But hey- I’m happy genuinely, Pooh that you’re getting out there again. But…fair warning- when he starts acting like an asshole- and he has periods where he’s fully a fucking asshole, I swear it’s like a fuckin’ man period- know that you are gonna be the one we’re calling to get a leash on him cause the only time he acts okay about everything going on is after he sees you.” She said and I felt my cheeks heat. 

Did I really affect his attitude that much?!   “Spray ‘em with a spray bottle, it works on Sephy, he’s very cat-like so I assume it’ll work on him.” I said, and we both laughed.

“Oh my god you never skipped school?!” I asked Syd as we walked up the sidewalk to the coffee shop. 

“My dad would have killed me probably. What did you even do?” She asked and I laugh at all the memories. 

“Oh my god so, in high school- we uh…don’t talk anymore but - my best friend her name was Jane and she had a car first, so we in sophomore year during lunch would go eat out in her car and then…usually I would convince her to skip with me, cause I’m such a devil” 

She snorts a laugh “Fits” she opens the door to the coffee shop for me. 

“Why thank you, but anyway we would like usually drive around and blast music. Or we’d go to my house since my mom was never home and watch movies. And then Chris would get home and we’d fight about him giving me his notes since we were always in the same classes, and he’d tell me I was a fucking cheater - his favorite word.” I laugh a bit, getting in line with her. 

“It sounds like Chris and I would’ve been friends, that’s a cute story though. I always wished I had a sibling.” She said as she looked over the menu. 

“No singletons always say that, but you’d hate a sibling. Think Sadie how she’s all up in your shit, but from the day you were born” I giggle and she shook her head with a smile. 

“Yeah but I dunno. Sugar is super sweet, I wish I had a sister, but I guess Sadie’s close enough” she shrugged, stepping up with me in line. 

“What are you getting?” I asked, looking over the iced options. 

“Vietnamese iced coffee. They do it perfect here. I’ve been telling Carm it would do well on the dessert menu if we had one but, who am I to tell him what to add “ she mutters to herself, annoyance slightly lacing her voice and I nudge her with my hip. 

“Hey,” I nudge her with my hip, causing her to look at me. “He’s a man. He may be a genius chef, but he’s still, a man- make him think it’s his idea, Syd. Do your Sydney chef kid magic “ I did sparkle fingers for added effect, finally earning her dimples back. “Make the best fuckin Vietnamese iced coffee, and have someone else try it. Make him feel left out. And they’ll obviously be like ‘oh my god Syd, this is amazing’ and then, he’s gonna feel stupid if he doesn’t add it.” I said and she rolls her eyes amusedly. 

“I think you’re the Carmen whisperer. Well, you’ll be certified if that works” she said with a smile as we step up to the counter. 

“Hey there, can I have a name for the order?” The barista asked. 

“Winnie!” I replied before Syd could try to weasel her way into paying - again.   

“Ha! Fitting name, love the overalls. What can I get for you?” the barista chirped with a smile. 

“May we please have 2 large Vietnamese iced coffees, oh- and…” my eyes settled on the pastry case in front of us, a brown wicker basket on top filled with cookies in the shape of little bears. 

I grabbed one, handing it to her. “This.” I said and she nodded, putting in the order in her till. 

I double clicked my power button and quickly waved my phone over the till before Syd could think to and she nudged me with her shoulder causing me to smile. “Woops” I teased, taking the bag from the barista containing the little cookie for Carm. 

“You ladies can wait there at the end of the bar there we’ll call out your order, have a good one” she said. 

I nodded “thank you!” I said as we made our way down to the end of the counter to wait. 

“The second I saw those cookies I knew your mushy ass was getting one” she teased, leaning her hip against the counter and crossing her arms over her chest with a smug smirk. 

“Oh like you didn’t know I’m a hopeless romantic” I smiled. 

It wasn’t long until we got our coffees and sat at a comfy corner table. “I’ve never had this before- what is the white is it milk?” I asked and she nods, stirring hers with her straw. 

“It’s sweetened condensed milk. It sounds like it would be sickly sweet but the coffee is so strong it balances perfect. I was thinking…” she leans in so no one would hear. “If we did it, I’ll do like lavender in the milk, of course we’d make our own condensed milk, so I’d steep lavender in it before. Wouldn’t that be fire?!” She asked and I nod with a big smile. 

“You are so fuckin smart, Syd. That sounds amazing you’ll have all the witchy bitches me included coming by just to get that I bet” I stirred mine up and took a sip, nodding. “Totally something you guys would sell” I said and she smiled. I grabbed my phone, opening up the camera. “Smileee!” I said she gave me a silly smile and a thumbs up, coffee foam covering her top lip.

“Perfect” I giggled, sending it to Sadie with the caption ‘Our fave chef kid�� 

I put my phone down and look at her “Okay! You’re not denying me the pleasure of celebrating you any longer- take out your phone and let’s see if you’re nominated!!!” I urge and she bites her lip nervously, grabbing her phone, unlocking it, and setting it on the table. 

“If I got nominated I’ll have an email…you do it- I can’t look. I can’t” she pushes her phone towards me and I eagerly grab it, opening up her email and refreshing it. I smiled wide when I saw the words, clicking open the email and clearing my throat before reading 

‘Dear Chef de Cuisine; Sydney Adamu, 

We hope this email finds you well. 

The James Beard Foundation 2024 Awards Committee would like to extend their congratulations on such a fine year of culinary accomplishments. Your passion to the culinary arts, and dedication to our personal mission at TJBF to celebrate, support, and elevate the standards behind America’s food culture- doesn’t go unrecognized. 

This is why you have been nominated for the for the following awards;

Outstanding Chef ‘

I jump up, wrapping my arms around her with a wide smile, tears pricking behind my eyes. “Syd!!! You did it. You did it. I knew you would” I squeeze her tight. 

“Holy fuck” she grabs the phone, and I watch as she rereads the words over and over “holy fuck.” She whispers, jaw dropped. 

“I told you bitch!! Look at herrr okay!! Syd the chef kid! Everyone better watch out! You skipped right past emerging chef and went straight for the big one! Oh my god I can’t wait for you to tell Sadie!! Oh my god we need to celebrate!!” I pat her arm excitedly. 

“Wait-“ she said, scrolling further I quickly read the rest of the email, my heart sinking slightly when I saw the paragraph she was now stuck on. 

‘You have been nominated among 4 other extraordinary, and talented Chefs in the industry; 

Berzatto, Carmen (Executive Chef) 

Cantina, Jose (Executive Chef) 

Donner, Phillip (Executive Chef) 

Nixon, Jessica (Executive Chef) ‘

“So- they just fuckin’ nominated me against people that are all my senior? Are they joking” she laughs dryly. “And then to pit me against Carmen? What is wrong with them, Winnie?” She locked her phone, putting it back in her jacket pocket. “I just- I’d rather they had given me a fair chance. This just feels like they’re telling me straight up they won’t pick me.”  

“Syd - don’t get down on yourself, what if they put you in there because you’re the only Chef-de-fancypants that deserved it, hmm?” I said with a small smile and she snorts at the silly name. 

“That’d be a long shot…but thanks” she said, squeezing my hand gently. “C'mon- we have to get you to therapy and I need to get back. I should be working on recipes” she said and my frown returns. 

In this way, her and Carm were exactly the same. Whenever she was upset with herself she threw herself into her work instead of feeling. 

“Alright…” I said softly and got up, putting the brown paper bag containing Carm’s cookie in my tote carefully so it wouldn’t be crushed, standing up. 

The walk back to the car was silent, I could tell she was beating herself up and I hated it. 

“Y’know…it’s crazy you even got nominated so young, Syd. Everyone else on that list is at least 3 years older than you are…so like- they see you as deserving already, but it doesn’t even matter what they think, or what Carmen thinks, or what I think. You’re deserving because you know how much you put into your work.” I told her once we were driving again. 

She nodded, “thank you…really it means a lot. I know I’m deserving, I just wish sometimes other people would see it.” She said, and my heart ached. We listened to SZA the whole way, I decided it was better not to push her on the issue. I’d long since realized Syd was the kind of person who had to stew in her anger or hurt for a while, alone- so she was comfortable explaining it to someone else since she knew it like the back of her hand. It was alot how she did her work, she would never show anyone any new recipe she was working on - even Carm - unless she felt it was already deserving of a spot on the menu, because she knew the dish so well, and any possible thing that could make it better- and only approaches someone for final tweaks. 

When we stopped at the Doctors office I lean over and give her a hug. “It’s all gonna be ok, Kid. I love you, i’ll see you friday” I said softly into her shoulder and she rests her head on mine, hugging me close. 

“Thanks…Love y’too. It will be…” she said softly into my shoulder and I pulled away. 

“And I expect you’ll send me that new article to check out when they send it to you yeah? You looked so gorgeous in the pictures they took. Really, I cant wait to see the whole thing” I said and she nodded with a small smile. 

“Course Pooh, C’mon-” she taps the clock that read 1:54 “Gonna be late” she said and I rolled my eyes playfully.

“Yes Mommy” I teased, pushing the door open. “Later kid!” I said as I swung it shut and head in to the building.

Time to rip open some unhealed wounds! Oh what a joy.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫

[demonbarbers]

ok i spent sunday drinking with oomfs and then monday mourning i’m Ready to Share what i can i remember from sunday

the energy was so electric! and not just for josh and annaleigh there was so much love in the room for everyone it was really beautiful

josh and annaleigh were, as always, on point but they were also just giving it their absolute ALL. final sequence was absolutely insane there was such a sorrow and fury to everything… i did cry

it looked like maria was crying during green finch which is a choice i’ve never seen her make so that made me emotional. ruthie also cried in character but in a place she usually doesn’t cry and that destroyed me

delaney westfall did a very funny “NOOOO” instead of her usual gasp during pirelli’s miracle elixir

nik chris was going the fuck off he brought the house down as pirelli as usual but he had such an intensity that night it was making me cry with laughter

after killing pirelli sweeney let out this like little pathetic heartbroken cry and josh usually does that but this one was the saddest noise i’d ever heard

right before pretty women when lovett is bringing toby into her back parlor annaleigh and daniel knocked the bench over and annaleigh had to fix it in character and it was hilarious and the audience ate it up

josh and annaleigh’s last a little priest… so funny so ridiculous annaleigh got on all fours and just moaned at one point and it made josh genuinely actually break which made her break. it was very sweet and the audience picked up on it and loved it

when sweeney and lovett kiss in by the sea people genuinely cheered and hooted and hollered it was so funny and Real

john rapson and annaleigh were going HAM during parlor songs. funniest they’ve ever been

josh’s final “BENJAMIN BARKER” was insane. and so hot

i just need to say it again again the final sequence from the minute anthony and johanna arrive at the shop to when sweeney dies it was just perfect. everyone broke my heart. it was so human.

jo shouts “NO” when she runs in on toby killing sweeney and i’m gonna be thinking about that choice for a very long time. maria was cooking with that.

also just wanna shout out daniel marconi! his physical intensity was insane. this was only my second time seeing him and ugh i really love his toby i’m so sad he’s leaving soon. he plays toby with a little limp and leans into the disabled young man characterization toby usually gets but does it with so much dignity.

ok parasocial corner time

when i tell you the entire ensemble was weeping during josh and annaleigh’s speeches… you can see in the video the sweeney insta posted that 3 of them are crying but it was truly the entire ensemble. i went back and watched my own video and it was just so moving to see the respect and love on display. there’s soooo much love in that company and you can really feel that in the bones of this production.

ruthie was running around taking pictures of josh and annaleigh during their final bows like a mom and it was so cute. love her

overall just so grateful i got to watch this production with this cast and make some wonderful friends through it :’)

[urlocalcookie]

You said in one of your archivists post that you would write a smut fic? If so I would DIE to read it

Hi HI HI!!

I actually wrote one a while ago out of boredom! I'll dig it up out of my notes app just for you 😋

"Oof! Oughff! Ouff! A-Ah!" You panted and whimpered.

"Louder." The archivist growled in your ear.

"Ahhh... ahhah.. ah.. o-oh.." You whimpered.

"LOUDER!" The archivist scolded you.

"Ack! Ack! Ack! A-Ah! Ow.. oh... oh.. f-f-! Oh! Oh my g-gosh! Ohh, k-keep going! Please! Ahh.. Oomf.. you feel s-so- Ack! Good!" You moaned.

The archivist penetrated your womanhood over and over. They were going a decent pace. They were uncomfortably large. When you were explaining that they needed to be bigger than literally just... an inch, they jumped to about a foot long and incredibly thick. You begged them to make it about seven inches and like... three inches thick, they finally complied.

As of right now, they were grasping your hips tightly and shoving their length in and out. They picked up the pace and made themself bigger again. You were quick to notice and begged them to stop stretching you like this.

"You can take it. I know you can." They said.

You arched your back to make it easier for them to continue thrusting into you.

You moaned louder and louder as they sped up and slammed against the back of your hole. You were being fucked by them in a spoon position. You were both lying on your sides, but he was hugging you from behind and intruding.

"Ohh, fuck! Ahh... you feel amazing!" You wailed.

The archivist cackled going harder. They had never felt something like this. They wouldn't admit it, but, they were starting to understand why mortals enjoy banging.

"Oh, y-you- OH! OHH!" They cackled.You took this as a sign they were going to experience their climax.

"I'm- I'ma- I'm- s-something's-! Ohoho!" They laughed, shoving it in harder and harder.

You reached down, touching yourself. "C-Can we... please-?"

"I'm gonna- I'm gonna- I'm gonna-!" They stammered.

"WAIT! IT WON'T FEEL GOOD!" You shouted, trying to reach back and grab them. They didn't listen, they kept pounding you. You needed to say something to grab their attention. "I've- I'VE BEEN LYING TO YOU! I LIED!"

"What?" They suddenly halted, but remained inside you.

You panted, "S-Sorry, I had to get your attention somehow." You tried to take a breather.

They ignored your statement. "Lied about what?"

"Nothing! I just needed you to stop for a second and that's what I could think of!" You said.

They stared into you from behind. You could feel their eyes burning into you.

"I was trying to tell you that it won't feel as good if we don't climax at the same time. I'm trying to help you." You panted.

They stared at you for a bit. "Aren't I fucking you? I'm breeding you hard. I can do it harder if you'd like."

"No, it's not that. I... need stimulation on my clit."

They looked over your shoulder and tilted their head. "Huh.." they then chuckled sadistically. "Okay~" they waved their hand and you saw something bright pink glow down there and-

You shrieked and moaned, twitching everywhere. There was so much stimulation on your clitoris, it felt like you were stuck on the edge of six orgasms. "Ah! Ah! Ah! N-Now fuck me! It-It'll feel good!"

And just like that, the archivist cackled and shoved themself in and out of you.

You flexed your muscles around his length and came. You clamped down on them incredibly hard. They cackled and shoved themself in and out.

"I'm coming~!" They cooed in your ear.

Their hot seed shot into you. You clamped down again, sighing. "Ahh..."

"Ohh.... ahhh.." They sighed, then cackled again. "Oh, that felt... weird. I like it." They said.

"P-Please... t-take the stimulation away... please... I'll be so good for you." You begged.

Surprisingly, you felt their dick twitch inside you. They did get turned on by begging!

The stimulation on your clit ceased. You sighed shakily. You reached down and touch it to feel how sensitive it was. It was incredibly overstimulated and painfully sensitive. You whined.

"Eheh, something wrong~?" They teased.

"It... umph... j-just thrust a bit more... ride out your orgasm.." You said.

They hesitated once more, but started bucking their hips. You sighed, moaning softly. It felt nice. He sighed as well, then stopped."I'm bored of this." They declared. "Are we done?"

"Yeah." You panted. You felt them practically rip it out of you, leaving you empty. You yelped at the suddenness of it.

You rolled over and gripped to them, burying your face in his chest. "I love you." You murmured.

They chuckled sadistically, "I love you too, fairy."

You fell asleep in their arms. For once, they didn't try to get up and leave you a sweaty, trembling mess. They actually stayed.

The last thing you felt before dozing off, was their hand petting the back of your head, their sharp nails lightly grazing you each time.

I hope y'all enjoyed 😈

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

Watched this with the oomf @yurisorcerer, I came across it multiple years ago and cannot remember where (my best guess is it qualifying as a magical girl anime for the mahou shoujo achievement on MAL graph?) and just yesterday as I was clearing my plan to watch for funsies I decided to torrent this so I could have it watched and thus remove another ptw entry.

It was fucking incredible! What the fuck! Like I didn't go into this expecting it to be bad I had no preconceived notions of what it was even about it's just the score was kinda low and I was like "if it's good it'll be like 6 or 7 good" but nah this shit was awesome, awesome to such a degree that I'm almost mad I hadn't already seen it before, and now I'm mad that it released so long ago that the fucking blu-ray is long out of print and sold for way more money than I'm willing to part with. Joy to be found at least in having shared this experience with a friend whom, spoilers for her presumed post (unless she posts before I do anyway) also really enjoyed it.

Elaborating a bit more specifically, I'd really say this movie is split into three acts. The intro gives us an overview of lead pair Dual and Dorothy, how their setting works, and how it's about to be changed with the introduction of Remo. The start's cool if a little slow, but there's magical girl adjacent action in a visually appealing cyber-world with fucky gravity and shit. I was already having fun here. Midsection of the movie sees Dual and Dorothy having become genuine friends with Remo, and there's a ton of genuinely adorable slice of life and character building antics here. The two music montages in a row are both particularly peak. There's a weird bit in the middle of said montages that shows the destruction of humanity and overwhelming dread of war - it works with what the movie is actually about thematically although I get the sense it was meant to be a little longer. We're still very good though. At this point 6 isn't even on the table for score anymore, and I'm genuinely having a lot of fun. And then we get our final act, which I can't even begin to succinctly describe and can really only say that the stakes go crazy, the plot goes crazier, and it was one of the best endings I've seen in what feels like forever. Absolutely incredible. Shot the movie up to an 8. I cannot stress enough that the movie is already pretty solid by this point and then just becomes peak beyond reason. Phenomenal.

Will say more broadly that the literary idea of computers continuing after human extinction is a common idea, but I gotta say this movie executed on said idea in a much more optimistic manner than I usually see, and I think the plot itself and how we get to all this comes together in a really nice way. Like the ending isn't just epic and emotional it's also naratively satisfying and thematically well justified. This movie being such a uniquely particular vibe would be enough for me to find it passively interesting already but being as generally well written as it is does a lot as well. Fuckin, really liked this thing.

Only drawback is count how many times it fades to black though lol.

[stealthrockdamage]

top five unjust depths moments. top five silly oomf tweets and/or poasts. top five kimoments. mwah.

hi dear thank you for so many lists to write. mwah.

okay extremely fucking long post inbound i'm putting this under a read more thank you

TOP 5 UNJUST DEPTHS MOMENTS:

This is such a difficult list to write because there are just SO many good moments, constantly, and in writing it I keep thinking "I have to include something from this part of the story!" and deleting things and replacing them with other things. So I have to just settle on five Really Good Moments but please understand that my favourite moments could be any of a list of, like, 30, probably, depending on the day you catch me. lmao. This list is definitely full of recency bias - I am trying so hard to pick the absolute best stuff. And I will fail. But it's okay.

5. Basically every Marykova moment ever.

Okay okay I'm biased because Maryam is Literally Me but I think it's really sweet the way that, like, Shalikova just starts out so embittered and embroiled in her trauma and Maryam just effortlessly draws out a different side of her. And none of it changes that Shalikova is still dealing with the things that happened to her in the past, but when she goes out in the diver during Goryk's Gorge and really truly almost dies fighting Selene, and just comes back aboard the Brigand and realizes "I need to kiss Maryam right now" it's so incredible. I love them a lot.

4. Arabella casually telling everyone she wants to creampie Zachikova so fucking bad.

Something up with this fish girl.

3. Ulyana/Aaliyah's extremely bad meet-cute.

This was the bit where it really clicked into place in my mind that I was going to adore Unjust Depths. Madiha cooked. Always remember - Ulyana has the Disco Elysium voices in her head. She is at all times just rolling good enough to get by. Bless her heart.

2. Majida being chastised for celebrating her victory in Arc 1 Intermission 6.

I think Majida is an absolutely excellent character, and originally I thought this entry should be the bit where she uses prayer to summon forth the strength she needs to use Spacial Control, but I thought to myself it would be criminal if I didn't have anything from The Moon Under The Mountain. And I think this particular moment was just such a clear and strong tone-setter, during the early bits of Unjust Depths. It's so so good. I have like nothing of consequence to even say just, read it. I love it.

1. HOMA PULLING IMANI INTO A KISS TO DISTRACT HER AND HIT HER WITH THE PUNCH INJECTOR!!!

my godddddd ohhhhh my goddddd it's peakkkkkk it's fucking peakkkkkkk homa finally decides she needs to try to be a hero she decides the volkisch aren't on her side and she wants to "rescue" imani she's deeply misguided and stuck in her feelings and has a moment of incredible unbelievable swag aughughghhhhhh

TOP 5 OOMFIE POSTS:

okay i haven't put a lot of thought into this i just love or hate these posts a lot and want to make everyone look at them.

5. Silent Hill "eatin a burger with no honey mustard"

okay kind of cheating because i'm in this post but who cares. milk kinda went off with this. i'm always saying "eatin a burger with no honey mustard." and it makes me think of the silent hill music every fucking time. all-timer.

4. Izzy impregnation mental gymnastics

I am not explaining this one. nor will i link to it. die forever.

3. Stupid Faggot Shark

thank you rachel for this all-time heater post

2. Tgirl Beak Shapes

my bestie is so wise for this. this post has 20k to me

1. My Therapist, Broly

6 years on still the best. dak the genius of forever.

TOP 5 KIM MOMENTS:

5. when we played phasmophobia duos that one time and you were so so so scared. kept going back to the truck to just watch me. andwe had to stop after 2 rounds because i did the old "die in front of your eyes as a bit" trick and it scared you too much. it was cute

4. like the very first time we ever hung out and hopped on monster hunter rise and found out we had independently made our wyvern riding auto callouts virtually the same ("do a flip"/"do a backflip" and "check out my cool new dog"/"i'm gonna pet this dog so good") it was so goofy. truly our brains have been aligned from the beginning

3. what if there were monsters in the dark forest

2. you showing me cool horror movies. it's just the best. coziest shit ever.

you getting way too excited about tricking people into thinking you and i are dating

[proxythe]

Hello dear mutual

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I ADORE YOUR ART!!! Call me your biggest fan if u dont have one already /hj

Always wanted to interact w you more but!!! Interactions are scary!!! So I'm sticking w liking your art and rb.......

but honestly, you really inspired me, because im a transmasc and well, god gave me two big naturals and honestly, I don't want to chop them off!! so seeing your aki really help me feel way better :')

AGHH I WANTED TO TELL U THAT YEAH HAVE A GOOD DAY

and one last thing.... im really curious abt your hcs on akishinji or akihiko in general... so if you want to spare some..... no pressure though.... okay bye...

hiii ooomf 🙋

thank you sooo much for saying this 😭😭 no one has ever told me theyre my biggest fan before… im really flattered thank you so much!!

i also overthink interactions real bad but if you ever want to message me or anything, you can !! i would seriously love to talk to you !!!

and im also transmasc w a large god given chest and i think ive said probably both these things before but that is also why i like to draw and represent that!!! ill never get tired of showing these bodies thru my art 🫰it makes me really really appreciative and happy when people tell me this .. i am Certain ive said this before… but i never get tired of letting anyone who tells me that i am really grateful to be told that my art helps in any way.. it makes me really happy i could cry

finally…. for my hcs… lemme separate them so the post doesn’t look so cluttered

me hiding an underwhelming amount of hcs under this cut im so sorry oomf im really bad with headcanons for some reason but let me try to think if i have any lmfao

- i think them (literally) sleeping together is a big hc for them in general but that’s probably my favorite akishinji hc of All Time … it can do no wrong… its perfect…

- (more likely fits post canon/shinji living route) shinji being clingy asf is also one of my faves idk i think there’s just something in seeing him happy and shameless for once in his shit life 😭 getting hugs and physical contact he used to not think he deserves … i eat it up …

- aki being a cat person i think is a hc … it mostly came to me from pq when hes being so dramatic about koromaru licking him … he loves koro yes but i believe he is a cat person at heart … shinji is generally an animal lover but he’s also just a dog person

- p4au debunks this with that god awful design but i’ve always believed it: aki’s wardrobe is immaculate. guy is always dressed in some nice ass clothes and perfect style. ignoring p4au i also think aki would dress nice even in timeskip

- this is also popular methinks but them taking in ken and koromaru time skip is another that i basically just treat like its canon lmfaoo this one also is just perfect… does no wrong… amazing …

erm i think that’s all i can think of rn bc for some reason when someone asks me to specifically name hcs i kinda sorta forget every single one that’s ever entered my mind whether ive drawn it or even spoken it aloud … am i stupid ?

[tartppola]

Fine day, if I may leave a message (that I wish shall lift the sides of your lips for today), I would like to say,

YOUR SILVER AND YUULIS COMICS ARE SO!!!! DCRUMPTIOUS I AM SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN IT ESPECIALLY THEM AS KIDS ITS SO ❤️😭 that i wanna go cROOWWOmpCHustomMMRP (I tries making it slubd like the sound im making rn and im not sure if its fallin thru) BUT YEAH I LOVE IT

Especially like,,, lilia and your yuu??? I wanna see more from them honestly the dynamic is so funny like its just the rhing youll take out to get a good laugh on before going on to the rest of your day + your yuu is just so interesting in general that i wanna know more of them and their syory in general and plus,, your art????

Your art is so cute, irs simple, sure but i can see it, the absolute hardwork in it and how it feels so special that when i see it, i know its yours and not anyone else??? Bc its kind of ingrained in a way plus it looks so,, warm? And nice i cant explain it eloquently enough rn mb mb 😭 but i hope the sincerity and genuinity comes through plus how dare you make me so invested in ace + deuce+ yuu so much more like?????? I can't believe youve done this to me and now w how much im invested bc each time i see your artwork of those three (+ grim) its now lowkey ngl my oasis in a scorching desert because i barely see content for them and stuff so now when i see your work i just go !!!!OHHHH!!! Whooooahh!!! Or just :) its them! (Cue me kicking my feet later about it when i think about it)

Oh and if i remember righr??? YOUR KALIM COMIC!! i think its the first one i saw from you the hiwagang ganda(?) Or somrthing where kalim just goes ... wow... while seeing yuu in a crowd and stuff its so cute and everything began falling for me there bc then you began hunting my recommendations feed and im so glad you did thank you, blessed, tskr, and I hope you have a nice day and everytime you finish a drawing you will always smile and feel content

And also i think i recall a post from you making a copypasta(?) Of lyrics and that was so weirdly funny in a way that for the next weeks of it, whenever i think of it i just smile like,,,?? AHHAHA but anyways sleep well and tqke care od youtself and everything and sorry if i gave you a syroke w this 😭 (like the misspells and stuff)

AHSGSHHFKF omg!! sorry this took so ling to respond i get like super overwhelmed when i see big blocks of text but aaaaa tysm!!!!

i’m so honored that you feel that way about my art hhhabdkf ngl i haven’t been able to do more than doodles as of late cus of college + zines but im so glad you still like my silly littol doodles uhuhuhu

i’m also glad that you’ve taken a liking to my guy yuulis uhuhehdhf theyre just my silly little guy! NOT GONNA LIE.....they don’t have that much lore HAHDHAHHDD ( only like super close oomfs know their lore 👁👁 ) but I do have a separate canon divergent version of ch.7 where I hamfist Yuulis lore into it HAGDHAHAHA but I want to see how ch.7 goes first before finalizing it.

and also aaa i’m so glad you like the Young Silver + Lilia comics! they’ve been such a comfort to draw and think about lately hhgrhg

AND IM ESPECIALLY GLAD IVE INFECTED U WITH THE ADEUYUU BRAINWORMS EHHEHEAAAARGHH Ace and Deuce compared to other characters are already so,, so hard to find individually,,,ITS ALSO EVEN HARDR TO FIND STUFF OF THEM AS A COLLECTIVE UUUHUHUHU,,, i’ll definitely draw them more!

[funarisjournal]

Nari's Tsukutabe Superlatives! (Part 3)

Comic Superlatives | Drama Superlatives

So here we are, just a few days shy of Christmas. Volumes 1-2 and the first season of the drama are just the right things to enjoy this time of year, you know! I've even semi-joked that S1 is technically a Christmas movie and folks should add at least one specific re-watch of it for the season~

Anyway, this is the final part to my Tsukutabe Superlatives series. This one's covering things that have overall representation in both versions. You know, generalized stuff. There's also a silly bonus superlative at the end of this post because of an overlap between things I've been enjoying lately. So, let's get down to it, huh??

Heh, using a doodle I made myself this time~

MOST RELATABLE CHARACTER

"Makisu!"

So it's obvious I love the leading ladies. They're the stars. They're both amazing, but I wanted to give an extra shout-out to the woman who I feel a kinship with. Nomoto is such a dork, I love her. She gets really flustered like I can get if something doesn't immediately go the way I want it to (and can be calmed down in similar, simple ways). She's got a passion for cooking as a hobby and doesn't really see herself doing anything more than that (like cookbooks and influencers). That's me with drawing! Ever her romantic backstory is very similar to my own. Sure, her first love didn't happen until her 30s, but I had the same vibes as I was growing up and then found Leigh online back when we were seniors in high school. And even then, I experienced a lot of that "Am I REALLY a lesbian?" vibes Nomoto had until Yako explained stuff. Also, canonically, Nomoto is demisexual....just like me! The things she experiences as she falls in love with, confesses, then lives with Kasuga are so similar to my own things with Leigh lol. Maybe some of my own experiences end up bleeding through the fanworks I make, too~

There are headcanons that I subscribe to that she is possibly autistic (compared to Kasuga's more obvious traits) but masking REALLY hard due to her upbringing and what's expected of her, and honestly. Yeah. That's me, too. I'm not officially diagnosed, and I don't want to self-diagnose either, but I have similar traits she does as someone who is also, probably, undiagnosed.

BEST SUPPORTING CHARACTER

Yakoooo! Beacon of guidance for all the ladies in the story. She's amazing. I'm glad we have "elder queer" representation here. It would be fun to see nothing but romantic bumbling, but that may end up messing things up in the long run. Good thing Nomoto befriended this woman online! Also I love that they're oomfs. Need more of that online buddy rep!

WORST CHARACTER

Yeah. There's a worst...and it's Kasuga's dad. Nah, he doesn't deserve a picture. But my god I wanted to strangle him after the phone call with Kasuga. He was dealing all the low blows so fast. I do love the moment of vulnerability the drama ended up showing, though. It was all Emi Nishino's idea in that regard. She admitted in an interview she really had trouble keeping it together during this moment and was trying to keep herself looking all stoic as Kasuga normally does, but then she thought...well...I'm sure a little bit of emotion would show up, especially if Kasuga talks to someone she trusts. She voiced her thoughts to Manami and the latter just reminded her that, as long as she didn't slip out of character and felt like she was still in Kasuga's shoes, it should be fine. I love the drama version of this moment more because of this, by the way. They really brought out some raw emotions that STILL felt in-character!

BEST ARC

I had to think hard about this one since I'm limited to what the drama has shown (I actually love the current arc in the comic the most but it's not adapted....yet). So for now, I'd like to tread back on the last "award" and say this storyline - Kasuga's Family Arc (unofficial title) - is a close second.

I was really feeling for poor Kasuga during this whole thing. We see that she is frightened, paranoid, and downright emotional about her past. She tries not to show it, but it really was eating at her. Then she takes that plunge, so to speak. She frees herself from her past. But it HURTS. Her father doesn't go without a fight, ugh...And then she finally tells Nomoto, though the two universes split on when she tells her and it does affect things a little...but she tells her and the overall result is the same - she has love and support. She has her chosen family she can rely on. Augh~ Beautiful~

FAVORITE DISH

I would say the harako rice because it does look really tasty, honestly, but there's some special significance with the stollen I can't deny. They even promised to make a more proper one by next Christmas in the story. Will we ever get to see that? Will the promise be kept? It would be a good marker of how far they've come in their relationship, that's for sure!

BEST COMEDIC SCENE IN BOTH VERSIONS

Speaking of stollen...When Kasuga was denied more, at first, because Nomoto didn't even explain the tradition to her and she ended up eating the piece in one (or two, depending on version) bite(s).

BEST ROMANTIC SCENE IN BOTH VERSIONS

Okay...I can't avoid it. GET TEASED MUTHAFRICKS! (especially as the comic and the drama play the same scene a bit different). Not going into more details! Just trust me...Chapter 40 is gonna be gooooood~ (and Episode 30, as mentioned in the Drama Superlatives, is also really gooooood~)

(PERSONAL) FAVORITE RUNNING GAG

The fact that these two befriended one another, then confessed and started dating AND now live together.......................but they still call each other by their surnames. I've even made silly sketches of them getting married and even raising a kid together and they still use their regular surnames lmao. Even most of the fandom still just addresses them as such, me included! If you use their first names, that's fine! You're in the same small group as Nagumo lol

Actually, the moment Nagumo (in the comic only) uttered their first names with the -chan suffix is still such comedy gold. Kasuga dropps her donut! Gasp!

FAVORITE FANFIC OF MINE (either universe)

I felt bad after writing Parts 1 and 2 and not actually giving a shout-out to my fanfics. I was thinking visually, okay? Agh, not an excuse lol

But anyway, Tsukutabe made me write WAY more than I usually have in the past 20 years of general fandom. So many to choose from...but I gotta hand it to "Be Selfish." It's my most popular fic in general (over 60 kudos on AO3!), it still reads fairly well, definitely not a stream-of-conscious fic like most of my other works (which isn't bad, but can make for awkward reading later, I think lol). It has all sorts of fan art attached to it - from me, but hey! If someone gets inspired, I want to see your interpretations, too! *wink wink, nudge nudge* Anyway, I actually re-read this one often. 'Tis a good one if you are okay with the rating! (But really, you should check out all my fics on AO3~)

BONUS: BEST MANAEMI INTERACTION

They sure did meet a lot this year compared to the post-S1 era, huh~? They have both said how the distance just kinda closed in the more they worked together and now they're getting together for food dates and giving us, essentially, freebie Tsukutabe continuations during this drought of new content.

But my fave is still the time Emi had announced her month-long vacation overseas back in September, and Manami's reaction was to offer her a send-off party, and they just have a BLAST both in the photos and in the comments ("If I get lonely, I'll video call you~~ And I will~~~" - Emi). Remember the naan meme from the drama superlatives? Yeah, never mind the one piece of naan, we were all eating the whole dang curry party that night! lmao

I hope you enjoyed these silly posts I made. If you want to make your own version, feel free! I know it's awfully specific, but hey. I had a blast~ Merry Christmas, and if you don't celebrate it, may the rest of the year be easy-going, hopefully...and well, you'll still hear from me before the new year but I will still see you all next year with more food lesbians lol

A pic for another fanfic of mine, but honestly it suits this post for a "The End" shot~

[screampied]

VEGASS

happy one year on tumblr!!, we’re all very proud, and we all appreciate all of the love and time you put into your works, I can’t pinpoint a time as to when I found this account but the second I found it I noticed how incredible all of your worlds had been and how they were everything I was looking for in a fanfiction, we all appreciate you and we hope you keep delivering us these yummy works of art you post 🫂

also HAPPY LATE HALLOWEENNN (if you celebrate of course) my Halloween went well and I recently started the walking dead (I think I said I wouldn’t start it but ..) and it’s so good, I love it a lot and i love my wives Maggie and Michonne

ALSO IM LOVING THE NEW THEME.

i LOOOVEEE tv girl, I think I started listening in 2020 and although there’s still some songs I haven’t heard I still appreciate them for what they are I always find it difficult for me to listen to new songs due to me repeating the same 20 for about three weeks

I’ve been deep into my angst no comfort as well and… well some days it ruins me but I LVOE angst no comfort that’s the way to go .. dare I say I don’t like when comfort is involved in angst ..

-cowboy liker anon

HI COWBOY 🩷🩷 thank u sm :(((( ohhhmigosh ur so sweet stop stop. but of course !!! i do this all for you guys <3 i appreciate you all just as much, and here’s to many more filthy slutty works with the occasional heart wrenching angst pieces (🌚)

HAPPY HALLOWEEEEN. thats good !!!!! oomf, i lowkey wanna start but im scared ill get turned off bc of the length …. but then again i binged watched all 20+ seasons of greys anatomy in quarantine ahaha. did you dress up for halloween? i was raven 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

and THANK YOUUUU 🕺🕺🕺 !!!!!! i loooove tv girl, i remember bein so happy when they started to finally blow up a few years ago w not allowed, cigarettes out the window and lovers rock i think. their older songs tho >>>>>> yum. but that’s valid! i stay repeating the same songs heh.

[bykalopsia]

faiz 31-40 notes

as we may be able to tell from my liveblogs this set of episodes

that's not to say it's all perfect no. very similar to me 2/3rds of the way through agito thoughts i'm very invested in the main plot and the other stuff is kind of lame. like the amount that delta's been nerfed is baffling to me, mihara is a nothing character, trying to give kaido an actually serious side plot is Not Working, the detectives are suddenly vaguely competent etc etc etc. (the worst offender of these is delta getting nerfed. why would you give me a Cursed Amulet that actually fucking sucks and people get knocked out of it all the time. like mihara doesn't even get the electric powers. BOOOOOOOO) also from the 41 preview them finally taking yuka's plot seriously again after at the very least 25 episodes of nothing. you're going to hell inoue.

tbh this show is very lucky that i can forgive all of this because everything about takumi and mari is standing over me and beating me with a baseball bat over and over so i kind of don't have time to whine about the boring/annoying shit (and tbh all of that isn't /really/ taking up that much time so its whatever.)

also the revelation that kitazaki was actually the one attacking the reunion is lame. like i get we can't necessarily have the protagonist be guilty of the murder of multiple teenagers but like. it was so cool. idk man i just prefer when the guilt and self-loathing is Real. oh well. at least we still have existential self-rejection yayyyy.

i will say takumi being an orphnoch was something i vaguely knew about beforehand but i didn't know if he would get turned into one or if he'd been one the entire time so it still hit (as one may be able to tell.) idk man. that's oomf!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't think i'm getting across the profound meaning of what takumi is inspiring in me it is just so rarely the case that i love a protagonist the most out of a cast of characters so now i'm like overloaded with emotion bc i'm used to only being exposed to my favs for like 3 minutes at a time max. inui takumi it seems i've grown quite fond of you there are no sexual urges i just think we should probably see the same therapist.

the final form is fugly but at least the weapons are cool. like the suit needed the grounding of the black base suit it's so bad to look at.

i thought about what i wanted to say about takumi and yuji for like an hour and i still have nothing. idk maybe i'll start recording the guttural noises i start making during these episodes to really capture the Pain and Torture Vortex they're putting me in (i will not do this) but these notes posts simply cannot capture the unfiltered energy that flows unhindered from my vaguely sleep-deprived brain during these episode binges. mostly bc it's a bit embarrassing to repeat the shit i say.

i knew sawada needed to die. bc of All of the Murder he did (no real wriggling out of that....) but i was still like aww :( i wanted it to work out jgdkjfgsjkdfg

also from the 41 preview...... APOSTLE JUMPSCARE.

[nethervox]

tag ppl you want to get to know better

tagged by @heavensw4rd

tagging no one in particular bc im shy o_o but if any oomfs see this n wanna do it u can say i tagged u ok? <3

ITS LONG SORRY here is a read more

LAST SONG: athena - nova twins ✧ pulled from my most recent liked songs bc i dont listen to that much music,,

CURRENTLY WATCHING: dungeon meshi ✧ ITS SO FUN, the anime release finally got me off my ass to start reading the manga. ive gotten through the first 4 volumes so far but now i wanna give the anime a bit to catch up to that point before i read any further

THREE SHIPS:

Linhardt/Mitsue/Fray - "who the fuck are those first two" well they are from my brain <3 linhardt is my wol who was drafted into being gods silliest soldier and he is coping w that very well. smiling. mitsue is my other wol but they dont have the echo, they were born in a wet cardboard box all alone. poorly socialized hydrogen baby. genuinely itd take so many words to describe what the deal w these three is that i do not have the space for here. i am so normal abt them

Marcille/Falin - havent gotten that far ofc but from what i have seen + ooc later panels (bc nobody tags their Fucking spoilers) they are doing crazy things to each others brains. women SHINE 💗✨💖💞

Shulk/(A)lvis - they are so **** coded its not even funny. i need to watch xb1 again actually its been ages

FAVORITE COLOR: (posting from my purple blog with my blue/purple sona and my purple phone) i like pink :3c

CURRENTLY CONSUMING: i had coffee w a beso, it had pineapple jelly in it :) idk what im gonna have later tho, theres not that much here... instant ramen sweep i guess

FIRST SHIP: girl idk. mario/peach??? i drew a comic abt them in my journal when i was six. i probably still have it buried somewhere in my closet. can you tell im not that big into shipping actually

PLACE OF BIRTH: texas 🧍

CURRENT LOCATION: still texas but a diff part of it now, as of last november. dont care for it.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: CELIBACY 💃💃

LAST MOVIE: lotr fellowship of the ring ✧ watched the extended edition over discord while i worked and got very little done that night. movies are cool i think

CURRENTLY WORKING ON:

updating refs for art fight like i said i was gonna do last year (i am still putting it off at this very moment. please yell at me to stop that)

rotating a new oc who is a possessed suit of armor. its like if a colony of mold decided to be a person. my little silly

[squirrelpudding]

January 3rd,2024

I hesitated making a blog post today because all I did was go to work and finish my media edit. But here I am. Making a post. I didn't take a single picture today because, as I said, I was at work all day. Multiple coworkers have told me if I were 18 they would recommend me to become a shift lead (which is a compliment). I like work because I am good at what I do, and I get praised for my hard work. In a lot of my hobbies and things I enjoy, I like doing it but I am either mediocre or very bad at it (like drawing, crocheting, etc). And usually when you are mediocre at something people don't compliment you on it. They don't necessarily say anything bad, they most often just don't really say anything about it at all. A lot of the art I post on twitter only gets likes because it relates to a fandom my moots like, and not the actual effort or technical skill put into it. But I like work because I am good at it and therefore I get complimented by coworkers a lot. I like it. And maybe I seem like a bad person or self centered or whatever because I like compliments, but it feels nice! I can't help liking the feeling of finally liking myself!

I keep calling my media edit a "media edit", because I was inspired by the people who posted media edits/"me core" edits last year, but really it is more of a letteboxd recap. I'm quite proud of it! My computer hates me for making it, because I downloaded a million 2 minute clips just to use like one second from each. I think it turned out pretty good. I am going to make a separate tumblr post for it I think, and I am going to post it on twitter tomorrow. Please ignore the glitches and how low quality a lot of the clips are. Its not my fault that I am not technologically savvy enough to figure out how to get high quality clips or to stop my computer from overheating. Also it gets offbeat for a while, but at that point I had spent so long on it that I decided I wouldn't fix it. The movies are in order of when I watched them (beginning=January, end=December), and I love that you tell when I did marathons. Like all the Shrek movies at the beginning, and the scream movies towards the middle. Fun fact: my friends and I did the Scream marathon right before the newest one came out, with the hopes that we could watch it in theaters together, but two of us were not let in because we were 16. We later watched it at Oomf's house, but only after months of forgetting about it and putting it off. Also something I love about the edit is how you can see that I clearly went through a Jesse Eisenberg phase and a Adam Driver phase (I say that like I am not currently still obsessed with Jesse Eisenberg. He is pookie).

[jellieclogs]

explaining my kpop lore

inspired by a tweet I made, we’re talking about seventeen, bts, got7, nct, and more!

so first of all, i consistently lied about how long I was into kpop because when I had a huge active Twitter account, you were seen as cooler if you were into it in your older days. so let’s just make that clear…oomfs I’m sorry </3 it’s been around 8 years or so (2015) is when I actually got into it. but I always used to say 2013.

anyway, I got into kpop right around when seventeen released their shining diamond EP. I stumbled upon them on YouTube and someone reacting to their shining diamond MV. I watched so many of their old predebut videos and very quickly they were the very first group I absolutely adored, and I only got into kpop social media after I started making edits of them on vine. before that I was exclusively following them through YouTube videos. i have always been a jun/scoups/VERNON lover but as of lately i don’t keep up with them actively.

my favorite songs by seventeen are simple, pretty u, HABIT (untouchable FLAWLESS track), Q&A, and change up!!

so after getting introduced to kpop by seventeen, I was then introduced to bts, got7, exo. I went through a serious and intense bts phase, like it was bad. had those black debut jerseys in my Amazon cart and everything like 😭

now, I was 13 years old here, so of course I was a bit obsessed with these men. i probably have thousands of pictures of jimin and jungkook saved in my google photos. yes it’s embarrassing but honestly, i was so happy i think it’s okay that i was a cringe 13 year old. as for my favorite members, i went through a phase with yoongi, hoseok, jimin, and jungkook 😭 i feel that because i loved this group so much my favorite really changed a lot, i liked them all equally. like during my discovery of bts, i immediately liked jimin, but during the i need u/run (hyyh) era I liked jungkook a lot, then during wings i was very attached to hoseok and yoongi </3 for a while now though, jungkook has been my favorite :)

my list of favorite bts songs is a huge list, but here it is; (using the Spotify titles because I forgot the hangul/romanization for them) tomorrow (top 5 for sure), just one day, butterfly, silver spoon, embarrassed, young forever, lie, reflection (also top 5), spring day, stigma, cypher 4, best of me, truth untold, singularity, black swan, boy with luv, fake love, SEESAW (top 3. argue with the wall.), you never walk alone, my time, and lots more. im not gonna say their discography is flawless, because every group has their stinkers, BUT bts is one of those groups I can just shuffle and most songs I won’t skip because I like them that much.

personally, I could make an entire post about wings and how insanely good that entire era was. I’m sure some kpop group has done the concept of every member having their own track before, but since I wasn’t into kpop before 2015, this is the first time it was presented to me. and it was done SO god damn well. i was obsessed with any and all fan theories, counting down to the next teaser, and lost my mf MARBLES when I finally watched blood sweat and tears for the first time. that era and album, the concept, the visuals, the MUSIC, FLAWLESSLY done. like do you hear that dissonance on lie? are you kidding me??? the strings?? tae’s voice on stigma????!!??!??!? I am so not normal about reflection, it’s very bad for meee!! it’s insane the production tha went into those tracks, they are ALL so good..the only songs I’m skipping on that album is just am i wrong and 2,3! THATS IT. YEAH, WE BUMPING INTERLUDE:WINGS TOO!

im still holding onto the hope that I can see them perform live someday. they are a group really special to me despite whatever infuriating fan wars were happening on Twitter in 2016/17. also just REALLY wanna hear the black swan into fake love transition like i just know that will change my life forever….

moving onto exo! I think I found them before BTS, but it wasn’t that much before. just like slightly, like I discovered EXO right before I discovered BTS. I was really sad because, by the time I discovered EXO, kris had already left the group. he was the one who caught my eye the most, which was in the mama exo-m music video. but i moved on from that and jongin was always my bias, it never changed. i did have a brief stint liking xiumin but I don’t think my bias ever rlly changed. i didn’t listen to as much of their music but i feel that their discography is a little timeless honestly, disregarding some interesting tracks…(looking at you wolf..)

my favorite exo songs are; what is love!! insanely good. moonlight, mama, playboy, el dorado (top 5 for sure😭), black pearl, shes dreaming, artificial love, MONSTER!!!!!!!, lucky one, obsession, the eve, SWEET LIES !!!! sad what their company’s management has done to exo as a whole but I still really enjoy their music. I recently watched their episode of killing voice and while I didn’t know many of the songs they sung, it’s always so nice to hear their voices. it’s always really great vocals from kyungsoo and suho. another group I really liked was monsta x, favorite members were always shownu and wonho <3 I did get to see them live on July 16, 2017! hyungwon was sick so he wasn’t there :( but it was an amazing night. i discovered so many new songs by MX and after that concert they were solidified as one of my favorite boy groups ever. some of my fave MX songs: perfect girl, from zero, fighter!!! (so INSANE live) dramarama, now or never, tropical night, shine forever, miss you, beautiful, STUCK!!!!, and beautiful! the clan was also an era I really really liked, the cinematic videos they had were amazing!!!

nct was a group i was lucky enough to watch debut which I feel their debut was INSANE. i can’t believe how early on mark lee established himself as an actually GOOD rapper. there’s a lot of boys in nct so i had a lot of ‘em that I really liked, but mainly taeyong, jaehyun, and doyoung. i really liked the concept of their sub units, the dreamies were so young when they debuted and it was a treat to watch them grow as artists. i know exactly where I was when I listened to the 7th sense, fire truck, and chewing gum for the first time. i unfortunately do not know too many of their newer stuff besides title tracks but i really like a lot of the stuff that they put out.

my fave nct songs: wake up (SO underrated), the 7th sense, boss, baby don’t stop, black on black, cherry bomb, SUN&MOON (had like a 30 second clip of this song as my pinned tweet for months. it genuinely changed my life hearing this for the first time), 0 mile, baby don’t like it, limitless, kick it, Pandora’s box, nonstop, punch, life is still going on 💛, we go up, chewing gum, ridin, and regular!!

i also really liked day6, my favorite member was jae and my favorite song of all time will always be i smile!! I saw them live and heard shoot me for the first time it was CRAZY. other songs I really liked were; I would, i wait, letting go, blood, sing me, and somehow.

honorable mentions of really good boy group or soloist songs I was obsessed with vixx - shangri-la vixx - fantasy wanna one - energetic shinee - odd eye (PEAK) shinee - 1 of 1 shinee - don’t stop shinee - replay agust d - tony montana agust d - agust d block b - her hotshot - jelly

alright time for my big one!! i actively followed got7 since 2015 when I discovered them. by this time they had JUST released just right, and what an insanely good video to introduce someone new to them 😭 so perfectly cute and catchy, like how could you not fall in love? And with the sea of content i had with all the real got7 episodes it’s like it was destined for them to be my favorite group of all time. And it’s crazy the absolute whiplash I got that same year when they got all dark and released if you do!!!! both such amazing AMAZING songs to be released in one year.

I’m gonna go ahead and skip my Twitter career as an ahgase, including the exposé thread on mark’s friends which blew up my account (looking back it’s weird for me as a 14 year old to police whom he was friends with, and the mf I exposed mark is still friends with him sooo…anyway) it’s long and a little embarrassing but just know I was ride or fucking die for got7 on Twitter. i was on there everyday, counting down the days to their next comeback, live tweeting during vlive streams, sending out thousands of tweets a day to vote for them on award shows, crying and screaming and terrorizing the timeline anytime mark so much as breathed in a cute way.

speaking of which, got7 is another group that my love for them was so big, it migrated around to almost every member. i of course always loved mark and made that very known, but there were times when i was tweeting just a bit more about yugyeom, or jackson, or bambam, or (surprisingly) jaebeom.

my experience definitely changed after I saw them live for the first time in the pit in Miami. it was pretty life changing and i know I say that a lot, but it was first concert EVER and i was so excited and happy. i cried immediately when they came out singing let me. got to do photo op for them (my amazing mommy allowed me to experience this) the picture has me sitting with jaebeom posing cutely above me. i was wearing like a weird thrasher shirt with a navy blue striped shirt under it and had very old and raggedy braids…I was going through a rough time financially. i got to see them again in Newark in 2019!! I didn’t get to do a photo op that time, but I was a lot cuter in my outfit.

for this music section, you can view my favorite got7 song from every album (excluding jpn releases). I’m that in love with their music, YUP!

and there we have it. comprehensive post of my kpop “lore” with lots of stuff left out. I made so many amazing friends through kpop and despite the reputation kpop groups and fans have, I really loved being in an active community of people especially ahgases. lots of love to all my friends, nutdonalds my first gc of friends who made stan Twitter something worth coming back to every single day, cunt7 my best friends that I wouldn’t trade for the fucking world, leo who was my first best friend i met irl and showed me so much kindness always. and all the friends that stayed in contact with me after I kind of fell out of the kpop Twitter life, you all know who you are. 🩷